#'I'm in bed and I'm wondering if I'm callous but hoping—Can I fix what is broken?'

[hopefulromances]

16; Jamie Tartt

16 - Still by Noah Kahan

"The past coming back with the light in the morning Look down on myself like a patient in surgery And I used to watch my mother move Like God was in the room It's a bottomless hole I found out here with a trace of no-one Grab a past box of photos, I rip myself open I'm in bed and I'm wondering If I'm callous but hoping Can I fix what is broken?"

Okay soooo reader isn't in this but she is mentioned and I actually might expand on this if people are interested enough

Read her uses she/her pronounds

.....

Jamie had never been more fucked in his life. Of all the stupid things that stupid people had done, none of them compared to the way that Jamie had completely and totally fucked his life. He couldn't handle it anymore; the constant texts and calls, the yelling in the car, the constant harassment from his father at all times. It was driving him mental.

But he didn't think the reality show would be so bad. Coming out the other end, no one wanted him. Not Spain, not Germany, not even fucking America wanted Jamie Tartt, former shining star of the Premiere League, was completely unwanted.

There were two things Jamie wanted in this moment.

One was his mum. He hadn't spoken to her in quite some time, finding it unspeakably hard to face her after what he'd become. She still texted him every week before a game, reminding him that she'd be watching, and Jamie wanted to answer but every time he tried to type out a message, he couldn't get himself to hit send.

But, god, he would kill for her to cuddle him right now. Like he used to when he'd come home muddy and crying after losing the neighborhood match to some older lads. She'd clean him up and tickle him silly before letting him cuddle into her side and soothe his hair.

If he closed his eyes, it was like she was still there with him.

The other thing, possibly more urgently, was you. You were Jamie's girlfriend for years. You were funny, and sweet, and kind, and everything Jamie needed to stay sane in the whirlwind he called his life. But Jamie was stupid and let you get away. He told her he didn't need her which was a fucking lie.

He could still remember the moment when he broke her heart, sending her leaving with tears in her eyes. What a fucking idiot. He missed her so much, she'd know what to do right now. She'd thump him on the head before telling him to get up off his ass and beg Ted to give him a spot on the team until he listened. Then again, if she were here he would never have left Richmond in the first place.

If he closed his eyes, it was like she was still there with him.

Instead he had to say goodbye to that life. To football, to friends, to his life. He didn't want to say goodbye. He couldn't say goodbye. Jamie steeled himself and pushed up off the bed. He wasn't going to say goodbye to you, to Ted, to anyone. He'd become someone worthy of his mum again. He'd look her in the eye once more.

And he'd get you back. He'd be worthy of you. He'd get down his knees and tell you how wrong he was and how he wanted you to know that he would do anything to make it up to you. You were never going to get away from him again.

#jamie tartt #jamie tartt x reader #jamie tartt imagine #jamie tartt x y/n #jamie tartt fanfiction #hopefulromances 1k celebration #spotify wrapped game

[theunseelieif]

Characters theme songs?

If I had to pick one song from each of their playlists…

This isn’t in reference to their romance routes, rather their lives and headspace right as the game begins and in regards to their past.

Kiran: mirrorball by Taylor Swift

I'm still a believer but I don't know why; I've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try

Cam: Still by Noah Kahan

Grab a past box of photos, I rip myself open; I'm in bed and I'm wondering, if I'm callous but hoping, can I fix what is broken?

Ryn: Sun Bleached Flies by Ethel Cain

If they strike once, then you just hit 'em twice as hard; but I always knew that in the end, no one was coming to save me

Josie: Fourth of July by Sufjan Stevens

The hospital asked should the body be cast before I say goodbye, my star in the sky; such a funny thought to wrap you up in cloth, do you find it all right, my dragonfly?

Connor: Twin Size Mattress by The Front Bottoms

This is for the snakes and the people they bite, for the friends I've made, for the sleepless nights, for the warning signs I've completely ignored

Emery: The Garden by The Crane Wives

The ghosts at the window echo all our quiet prayers; when they come for us, they'll come with hammers and nails; my darling, the devil knows my name

Rei: Mess by Noah Kahan

If I could give this all back, I would be home in the morning; I'd wake up in a cold sweat, take a flight back to the city I was born in

Kendall: Through Me (The Flood) by Hozier

Every time I'd burn through the world, I'd see, that the world, it burns through me

Aub: Broken Crown by Mumford & Sons

I'll never wear your broken crown; I can take the road and I can fuck it all away, but in this twilight, our choices seal our fate

Morgan: White Blood by Oh Wonder

I'm ready to hope, swing me out of the low; Wide awake in the glow, can't do it alone; I'm ready to fly, uncover the light

#answered asks #morgan byrnes #kiran patel #auberon/aubera #connor adwell #emery fitzpatrick #josie ellington #kendall bennett #rei suzuki #camilo/camila ramos #ryn cooper

[divinenanny]

Noah Kahan could have been singing about Niles (& CC) because:

He sang "All alone, late in life/Scared to live, scared to die" and "And I'll dream each night of some version of you/That I might not have, but I did not lose". And "Write me a list of how it is, of how it was, of how it has to be/You burrowed in, under my skin, what I'd give to have you out from me". And when he said "Look at me and don′t you lie/I could be your sacrifice/But don't you hold your head up high/I do not have time". But also "But I′m in the business of losing your interest/And I turn a profit each time that we speak". And he said "It's been a long year and all of our book's pages dog-eared/We write out the ends on our palms, dear/Then forget to read". And he wrote "Darlin′, speak to me but don't you say a word/Light a cigarette, I′ll watch it as it burns/Remember tellin' me that you thought you were cursed?/I’m in love with every song you′ve ever heard" and in that same song "No thing defines a man like love that makes him soft". And also "I'm hearin′ your voice in a strange foreign language/If only I learned how to speak" and "It's not Halloween, but the ghost you dressed up as/Sure knows how to haunt, yeah, you know how to haunt". And when he sang "I'm in bed, and I'm wondering if I′m callous, but hoping/Can I fix what is broken?". But also "You asked me why I wasn't saying a word/I′m naming the stars in the sky after you". And of course "That I'm broke, but I′m real rich in my head/That I broke a bone that never healed in my hand/So, when I hold her close, I might loosen my grip/But I won't ever let her go" and "And, the edges of your soul, I haven′t seen yet/Now I′m glad I get forever to see where you went"

And for them both "Until it ends, that I′m not ready to let go yet"

(Screenshot from Season 4, Episode 26: Fran's Gotta Have It)

#i have been listening to forever all day long #can you tell #otp obsession #cc babcock #niles the butler #cc x niles #the nanny #ccbds #cc babcock defense squad #noah kahan #forever #northern attitude #all my love #she calls me back #come over #everywhere everything #strawberry wine #halloween #still #your needs my needs

[hemlucks]

when noah kahan said, i'm terrified that i might not have ever met me. when noah kahan said if my engine works perfect on empty, (i) guess ill drive. when noah kahan said, you miss something that you can't place, but you can't deny it. when noah kahan said, i'm in bed and i'm wondering if i'm callous, but hoping can i fix what is broken?

#noah kahan #i love u so much

[noahkahanbrainrot]

"I rip myself open. I'm in bed and I'm wondering, if I'm callous but hoping - Can I fix what is broken?"

Noah, please. Ouch.

[kplmbl]

It's a bottomless hole I found out here with a trace of no-one

Grab a past box of photos, I rip myself open

I'm in bed and I'm wondering

If I'm callous but hoping

Can I fix what is broken?

I dare you to look me in the eyes and tell me that this song isn't Jason Peter Todd, I dare you.

#jason todd #red hood #noah kahan #batfam #batfamily #batman #robin!jason #joker #bruce wayne #jason wayne #batsiblings #dc comics #Spotify

[goldenseresinretriever]

38

HOOOOO BOY, #38 is “Still” by Noah Kahan and I feel like the whole song reads like what I’d imagine Bradley’s internal monologue would be like. He’s grappling with his past self and the consequences of his own actions while trying to move forward and be better.

Choosing a favorite line for the fic from here is probably the hardest thing possible because I could honestly analyze the entire song line by line and draw parallels to Bradley’s story (maybe I will in a post one day 👀) But if I HAD to choose,

“It's a bottomless hole I found out here with a trace of no-one. Grab a past box of photos, I rip myself open. I'm in bed and I'm wondering if I'm callous but hoping. Can I fix what is broken?”

#ask games #ycmbwh playlist game

[punkscowardschampions]

Amelia & Jac

Amelia: Don't listen to what drunk Jesse says Amelia: he needs more shots to get through this but I'm fine Jac: I'm not listening to anything either of you has to say, thanks Amelia: rude Jac: You've got to be joking Amelia: why because I'm not sitting in an empty 🏠 waiting for you like 🥺 Jac: You know full well why Jac: you aren't that drunk Amelia: you're right, I should be drunker Jac: Yeah Jac: that suits Amelia: you breaking my heart every time she breaks yours, doesn't Jac: Don't be dramatic Amelia: 🥀🥀🥀 Jac: just shut up, Amelia Jac: go enjoy your little party with your new best friend Amelia: likewise clearly Amelia: but you can't enjoy it, can you? Jac: You wish Amelia: no Amelia: it's 💔 Jac: You're clearly devastated Amelia: you know I am, you aren't that callous Jac: that's why you're being friends with my brother Amelia: I invited him and he offered to play Amelia: most of the school is here Jac: Feeling the ❤ are you? Amelia: now I am Amelia: you're full of 😍🥰😘 Jac: not for you Amelia: that was the joke Amelia: because you want this to be one Jac: you're the joke, this is just pathetic Amelia: yeah, I am Jac: what is this even achieving Amelia: this conversation? nothing Amelia: I don't know what else I expected though Amelia: you're never sorry or missing me the same, you only have one regret Jac: I haven't got any regrets Jac: sorry to break that to you Amelia: 💋 Sav counts Jac: I don't regret it Amelia: she'd probably still be here if you hadn't Amelia: and you do want her here Jac: doesn't mean I take it back Jac: but actually, I take back anything I've ever done with you, there you go Amelia: okay Amelia: because I deserve that for not dramatically shunning your brother anymore Jac: yes, you do Jac: you've made your choice, so I get to make mine Amelia: no, you've made it for me by making yours Jac: you're the one who decided to cosy up to Jesse Amelia: look over at whoever you're cosying up to right now and tell yourself yet again that this is my fault Amelia: for fuck's sake Jac: you're mad because you literally have yourself to blame Jac: I know what I did, you're literally that fucking stupid you don't? Jac: okay Amelia: I'm upset because it's still so fucking easy for you to pretend that I don't exist Jac: Whatever, I'm not going to dignify this conversation with a response Jac: you've made your bed Amelia: you are giving me a response by saying you're not going to Amelia: I've done silence from you, I'm aware what it looks like Jac: if you regret your decision that's 1. your fault and 2. your problem Amelia: yeah Jac: you think you're right because you cry about it Jac: no, just because you know how the sympathy vote works, doesn't mean you deserve it Jac: you fucked me over first Amelia: I don't think I'm right Amelia: I can't remember the last time I thought that Jac: again, what the fuck can I do about that Amelia: I don't know Jac: nothing Jac: your life is a wreck and me saying I love you back or giving you a fucking cuddle is not going to fix that Jac: as if I have the energy or time right now Amelia: of course not, it's only worth your time and energy if you can ruin it Amelia: sorry, tonight I don't need you for that Jac: Good Jac: I don't need you at all Amelia: until you do Jac: so you're a doormat Jac: and a fucking liability to boot now Jac: get a grip, Amelia, for God's sake Amelia: on what? Amelia: I don't have anything to keep hold of Jac: why should I know or care Jac: figure it out Amelia: because you're telling me what to do Amelia: which you wouldn't bother to do if you didn't care, even if it's only about yourself Amelia: I'm not going to tell him, you can stop lashing out Jac: Oh yeah and I'd believe you, why, exactly Jac: when you're not pissed you're an emotional wreck Jac: liability, as I said, so no thanks Amelia: I haven't yet Amelia: but if you won't trust me by now, I have no idea when or why you ever would Jac: Trust, that's a good one Amelia: I know Jac: I can't trust you any more than Savannah could trust me Amelia: that isn't true Jac: that's exactly true Jac: I turned you down, you stopped being my friend Jac: that's your form, that's your record Amelia: no Jac: yes Jac: you'd rather be friends with Jesse Amelia: I'd rather be friends with you Amelia: you won't let me Jac: it's the definition of a bit late now Jac: you punished me for wanting to be friends with Sav Jac: you can't take it back Amelia: I would if I could Jac: platitude helps no one Amelia: I've said sorry Amelia: I keep saying it Jac: It doesn't change anything Amelia: why don't things that have happened since count for anything? Jac: because we're just doing what we have to to survive Amelia: you've told me it matters Jac: anything that could ever happen between us, would always be because nothing can happen between me and her Jac: and that's the truth Amelia: I'm drunk, not stupid Amelia: I know the truth Jac: then you're fucked up Amelia: obviously Jac: how could I ever love you over her Jac: fucking hell Amelia: you can't and you don't Amelia: she's on a fucking pedestal ☁ 👼🏾 Jac: yeah, because she isn't a fucking trainwreck Amelia: because she isn't here and it was never real Amelia: I don't want to be worshipped, I want to be cared about Jac: it was real Amelia: and one sided Jac: no Jac: anyway, that isn't what I'm talking about Jac: I liked her because she had goals, knew what she was going to do with her life, and did things with it in the meantime Jac: even if she didn't reciprocate the rest, that was and remains true Amelia: good for her Amelia: we all have goals Jac: where? Jac: all you wanna do is get trashed and avoid any and all work Jac: you're like my kid fucking sister, there's fuck all attractive about that Amelia: I don't need to have a Phd planned at 15 for it to be considered a future Amelia: and you've never even asked me about it Jac: yeah, okay, in 15 years of friendship it never came up Jac: you try so hard to be 😎 and it just made you fucking boring Jac: in comparison, in general Amelia: in 15 years of friendship you decided I was a screw up Amelia: and boring apparently Jac: blame me for your lack of ambition and passion Jac: it's the role you wanted to play Jac: and yeah, Savannah is better Amelia: you have to have everyone playing a role because you are Amelia: I have ambition and passion, loads of things I want to do Jac: if that makes you feel better about yourself Amelia: it's all ages away, so no, not really Jac: My condolences Jac: the point is, there's nothing you can say to convince me, so just focus on yourself Amelia: the point is, I'll never be her Amelia: I'm not giving you my condolences back Jac: I know that Jac: if you'd deluded yourself any different that's just sad Amelia: I love you, the delusion is that's enough Amelia: and very sad Jac: yeah Jac: it isn't Jac: no one should settle for that Amelia: thanks for stating the painfully obvious Jac: it is you who can't seem to grasp it so Jac: if you need to be told over and over so be it Amelia: scroll back up to where you said that's my problem and my fault Amelia: you're the one who needs to keep telling me, repeating yourself and repeating yourself Jac: because you won't fucking stop Amelia: neither will you Amelia: but okay, maybe you won't come back this time, we'll both pretend to believe that if you like Jac: I don't tell you I love you Jac: or try to be your friend Jac: or anything so fucking gay Amelia: I hope it makes you feel really straight Jac: it's not even that, it's just pathetic Amelia: then I'm pathetic, I don't have a snappy comeback for you Jac: yeah, you are Jac: you fit Amelia: fine Jac: yeah Amelia: bye then Jac: fuck you Amelia: 😂 romantic as that sounds, I'll have to pass Amelia: if only you were here Jac: yeah, you're so amused Amelia: I don't feel anything right now Jac: so happy for you Amelia: 🙂 Jac: is this necessary? Amelia: what? Jac: why are you still here? Amelia: why are you? Jac: I'm home Jac: not having the best party ever Amelia: same Jac: awh Amelia: 👧🏻💔 Jac: you can't even do that right Amelia: oops Jac: I'm not laughing Amelia: I'll do it for you, don't worry Jac: Whatever Jac: this is beyond tedious Amelia: 🥺🥺🥺 Jac: you're pissing me off now Amelia: I pissed you off ages ago Jac: so stop Amelia: stop yourself, you've put yourself in the role of someone who's less of a wreck Amelia: all you have to do is play it for tonight Jac: I'm not dictated to by you Jac: that's the role you've been happy to play Jac: I'll do what I want, as per Amelia: okay Jac: I'm going back over Amelia: do you want me to care where you're going or not? it's a mixed message that I'm either too drunk or not drunk enough to decode Jac: You can tell my brother Jac: more for you two to 😢 and drink over Jac: so welcome Amelia: I don't know where he is, sorry Jac: that tracks for the kind of friend you are Amelia: he's not my Savannah Amelia: we're not joined at the hip Jac: yeah, and that's the only friend you know how to be Jac: what's the point if it's not ❤ yeah Amelia: the point is, I'm not a good friend, you already said it Jac: Ask Is if you want a second opinion Jac: though she lays down as quick as you so you know Amelia: I believe you, that's why I agreed Amelia: I don't want to talk to Is Jac: no wonder Jac: it'd mean more coming from her if she had the balls Amelia: you mean the most, that's why it's coming from you Jac: had another drink, have you? Amelia: 🥂 Jac: yeah, it means so much Amelia: it doesn't mean anything Amelia: I'm just waiting for something to happen Jac: like what Amelia: 💊 to kick in or 🚨 to start Jac: 🙄 Jac: could you stoop any lower Amelia: challenge accepted Jac: and why shouldn't I call 🚨 or your parents Amelia: my parents will be too 😍🥰😘 to answer but if you want to beat the neighbours to the shut down, go for it Jac: I care even less about ruining their good time Amelia: that's why you shouldn't bother calling then Amelia: might seem like you care Jac: I only care about ruining things Jac: so yeah, nice try Amelia: there's fuck all to ruin, it's not fun Jac: your parents 😍🥰😘 Amelia: try if you think you can Jac: you forget I've met them Jac: the phone is never off just in case you need them Amelia: well I phoned them earlier and it was Jac: you never try hard enough Amelia: 😂 right Jac: ta ta 👋 Amelia: 👋 Jac: [obviously whether we call her parents or not is not really relevant 'cos the police would, soz Amelia] Amelia: [you knew it was inevitable gal] Jac: [oh what fun] Amelia: [soz to her parents just trying to have a nice vday] Jac: [you wish hens, kids ruin everything lol] Amelia: [at least you only have one] Jac: [unlucky JJ lmao, and all so close in age, you fucked up] Amelia: [lollll] Jac: [do you want Jesse to be there, get in trouble? 'cos that'd be a reason to carry this convo on tomorrow, like] Amelia: [good idea because he would stay instead of just legging it like jude did] Jac: [you silly soft boy] Amelia: [trying to help everyone but not really helping anyone what a #mood] Jac: [that's so real but rude] Jac: [anyway, I'm gonna roll up on you] Jac: What the fuck? Amelia: You tell me Jac: Okay, I will tell you Jac: stay away from my family Amelia: or you could tell Jesse Amelia: I told him to leave plenty of times Jac: You should have made him Jac: Whatever problem you have with me, you can take it out on me Jac: don't drag him into your bullshit, alright Amelia: I did everything I could Amelia: he's as stubborn as you are Jac: You had to get him involved, didn't you Jac: had to be his mate Amelia: it's not transition year, I have to go to lessons Jac: You didn't have to Jac: don't bullshit Jac: you weren't his friend before Amelia: it's not like we're best friends now Jac: well, if you're going to, be a fucking better one to him Jac: this isn't okay, whatever mess you're in Amelia: I'm well aware Jac: that's not enough Jac: how are you going to make it right? Amelia: what do you want me to say? I don't want him doing any of this Jac: Well, I found a way to make him stop Jac: it's not actually that hard Amelia: he's not taking my no for an answer Jac: You're so selfish Amelia: if you can do better, do it Jac: no, you take some accountability, you useless bitch Amelia: so can he Jac: for what? Jac: being nice to your sorry ass? Amelia: exactly that, yeah Amelia: I didn't ask him to, it was literally the opposite Jac: then you make him stop Jac: because that's the problem with you, you want him to Jac: you want everyone to like you, you're so fucking needy Amelia: I don't give a fuck if nobody likes me Amelia: we're not 15 anymore Jac: that's believable Jac: anyway, then it shouldn't be an issue for you, so do it Amelia: is that everything? Jac: No, bitch, it isn't Amelia: so just say what you came to say Jac: How about you do something Jac: that is what I came here for Jac: you think I trust you to just do it? nah Jac: proof is required Amelia: how about you and your brother leave me alone Jac: How about you have to tell him yourself Jac: because you decided to be his bestie and rub it in my face Jac: so grow the fuck up and sort it out now Amelia: yeah because everything is about you Amelia: he decided to Jac: it is with you Jac: and I don't care how you want to sell it, Amelia Amelia: and I don't care what you decide to buy into Amelia: I don't want friends, I just fuck it all up Amelia: I definitely don't want him as one when he reminds me of you Jac: Good Jac: leave him alone Amelia: I have Amelia: he won't leave me alone because he cares Jac: I've told you, make him not Jac: you don't leave him with a choice Amelia: I don't have the energy to fight him off every time he can't or won't take a hint Jac: I swear to God Amelia: whatever threat it is, I'm not interested in hearing it Amelia: carry it out or don't Jac: it's no threat Jac: I'm done with you Jac: I don't know why we were ever friends Amelia: I knew that last night, there's no need to repeat it again today Amelia: even you don't change your mind that quickly Amelia: and we were never friends, you've repeated that more than enough times as well Jac: I'm serious Jac: why did we last as long as we did Jac: there is nothing even Jac: we have nothing in common Amelia: yeah, me too, I seriously don't care anymore Jac: then do what I've asked and we will have no reason to ever talk again Amelia: we already have no reason to Amelia: the one thing we have in common is neither of us want Jess around, so don't pretend you care Jac: He's my brother Jac: I get that you don't understand what that's like, but certain things override whatever I might be feeling personally Amelia: you're acting like it now to have a go at me Amelia: but my parents get first dibs at that, sorry Jac: yeah because everything is about you Jac: oh boohoo Jac: you're hungover and your soft-touch parents are mad at you Jac: I don't care Amelia: there's no other reason to prolong this conversation if it isn't, we're talked about Jess Amelia: there's nothing else to say about it if he still wants to be friends with me after how I treated him or if he doesn't Jac: because you missed the bit where I asked for proof? Jac: make use of your last remaining brain cell and make it fast Amelia: no, I disregarded it because I don't fucking owe you anything Jac: you owe him Amelia: I told him to leave me alone, the rest is up to him Jac: then show me that Amelia: [the convo receipts from whenever he left and tried to check in] Jac: Thanks Amelia: fuck you Jac: No shit 🙄 Amelia: neither of you listen Amelia: despite barely talking Jac: you can take this up with him when he invariably comes back because you didn't try hard enough Amelia: great Jac: you went there Jac: or do you want me to believe my brother is so gregarious he just threw himself at you Amelia: he does this thing where he goes out of his way to include people, I get that you don't understand what that's like because you shot your only shot with Savannah Jac: No, I get that he felt sorry for you Jac: it was my mistake for not recognising you're seriously not above that Amelia: why would I be above sitting by him in some classes? it's not a marriage proposal Jac: yeah, why would you have any self-respect Jac: why wouldn't you be Is 2.0 Jac: I should never have given you any more credit than her Jac: and I won't make the same mistake again Amelia: you never have, don't worry Amelia: you're still riding high with no regrets or mistakes Jac: you spoilt brat Jac: ask Is if it ever felt the same Jac: you got a taste of it when I met Savannah and you couldn't fucking hack it Amelia: I'm not going to ask Is anything Amelia: and no, I couldn't fucking hack you being in love with her Jac: and you think she could? Amelia: I don't think or care about her Jac: That's nice, isn't it Amelia: so? Jac: so, you expect me to care about you Jac: and you don't care about Is at all Jac: we were all friends Amelia: I literally don't expect anything from you now Amelia: and we were friends when you want to use that to make a point and weren't when you need that to be true Jac: you need to think we were more than that Amelia: I already know we weren't Jac: yeah? Amelia: yeah Jac: then we really are done now Amelia: great Jac: Hardly but it's something Amelia: I'm thrilled you have something to ✔ off your to-do list Jac: You can drop the sarcasm Amelia: I can do whatever I want, yeah Jac: and you know exactly what that is Amelia: maybe, maybe not Jac: it's not my business if you lied about knowing Amelia: it's not your business either way Amelia: maybe I'll change all my plans now Jac: maybe Amelia: the catholic school threat is less of a joke with every passing day Jac: worked for Savannah Amelia: true Jac: how fun for you Amelia: it's my number 1 priority after all, chasing the fun Jac: obviously Amelia: I have to go now Amelia: fire any last shots Jac: I've got nothing Amelia: okay Jac: Alright Jac: bye Amelia: good morning Jac: on what planet Amelia: we've said bye so many times it doesn't feel like a real word Jac: yeah Jac: I know Jac: I mean to mean it every time Amelia: at least you mean it now Jac: yeah Amelia: thanks Jac: least I could do Amelia: the least you could do is stop replying to me, but alright Jac: I don't owe you anything either Jac: that would be a kindness Amelia: would it? Jac: you keep asking for it so Jac: assumedly Amelia: because you keep saying you're done Amelia: it's a kindness for yourself if anything Jac: yeah, that's really my jam Amelia: maybe you're planning to turn over a new 🍃 Amelia: it's none of my business Jac: yeah Jac: I'm thriving, you're so right Amelia: I wouldn't go that far, even as the dramatic one Jac: so let's not bullshit Amelia: oh, it's only okay when you do it, gotcha Jac: I've not Amelia: over 15 years of friendship you have constantly Jac: oh, we're really going to go over every little thing I did or didn't do in 15 years? Amelia: no Amelia: but we're not just pretending you always tell the truth Jac: who does Jac: that would be stupid and irresponsible Amelia: Jude, so that tracks Jac: nah Jac: omission is more of a lie than it is a truth Jac: and she does that all the time Amelia: I wish she'd do it to me Amelia: my headache is 75% her showing up last night Jac: did she tell you she thinks your house looks like a nursing home? Jac: 'cos that is what I was thinking by omission Amelia: I remember her picking up a lot of my mum's shit, but not what she said Jac: I think she needs to be tested Jac: multiple times Amelia: 😂 Jac: seriously, is she slightly deaf Jac: is it behavioural, something wrong with her brain chemistry Jac: the possibilities are endless Amelia: I'll go get tested with her Jac: yeah, befriend another one of them, that's exactly what I set out to achieve Amelia: you achieved what you set out to do Jac: only if you don't turn around and ruin it Amelia: I won't Jac: you're more suited Amelia: what are you talking about? Jac: you and Jude over you and Jesse Amelia: I don't think she likes me, sorry to throw a 🔧 into your virgo-ishness Jac: she thinks you're breaking Jesse's heart Amelia: how? Jac: she thinks he's in love with you Jac: but obviously, you are a massive gay Amelia: oh, him and loads of other lads then Jac: yes, but he is her brother Jac: so maybe she's gonna give you dirty looks from across the hall Amelia: I'll try not to fall in love with her over it Jac: ew Jac: you're vile Amelia: the meaner she is to me, the more likely it is, clearly Jac: that's not funny Amelia: it is a bit Jac: it's not though Jac: she's my little sister Amelia: whatever Jac: don't whatever me Jac: if you go near her, I will actually kill you Jac: it's disgusting, so shut up Amelia: I'm not going to go anywhere near her Jac: don't Amelia: why would I? It's Jude Amelia: she's as close to a little sister as I've got Jac: I don't know why you do anything Jac: to be honest Amelia: yeah you do Jac: it's not the reason I'm doing the degree Amelia: but it's a reason you'll be good at it Jac: you want to take partial credit for my future success now? Amelia: I couldn't if I wanted to Jac: I don't think graduation is like the oscars Amelia: now that I know that I won't need to bother going Jac: 🙄 Jac: you'll be on your 5th gap year or something Amelia: I'm not taking one Jac: right, you've changed your plans Amelia: no, I decided that ages ago Amelia: I'm sticking to it, if anything Jac: it's a massive waste of time Jac: especially when you pretty much have to take that mandatory one as is Amelia: 🥱 Jac: shut up Amelia: 🥱🥱🥱 Jac: 😒 Jac: goodbye then Amelia: okay bye Jac: what did your parents say Amelia: why would I bore you with that when you already think I'm like coma inducing Jac: maybe it'll be funny Amelia: it wasn't Jac: I bet your mum cried Amelia: of course she did Amelia: the state of the 🏠 was enough reason Jac: yeah Jac: well, well done Amelia: thank you Amelia: it's been ages since I've been praised Jac: probably going the wrong way about it from mummy and daddy Amelia: yeah Jac: so fun though, right Jac: worrying everyone to death Amelia: duh Jac: well I did it first Jac: don't think you're special or anything Amelia: you've well and truly killed that possibility, not only do I know I'm not special, I know everyone else agrees Amelia: what other validation could I ever need Jac: you wanted a reaction Jac: you got it Amelia: no, I didn't want to sit in an empty house while you went on a 'date' Amelia: I got that Jac: and the reaction I'm getting to that is still just wonderful Jac: thanks for asking Amelia: you know why I haven't Jac: Darla thinks I should just run with it Amelia: meaning what? Jac: own the whole slut thing Amelia: and what do you think? Jac: I don't know Jac: I don't exactly have a choice Jac: the other viable option is going out with him, like he chose me and not the other girl, but I don't know Amelia: you mean you don't want to Jac: only because he'll probably cheat and I don't want to look that kind of stupid either Amelia: option 3 is going out with her Jac: ha ha Amelia: you're right, she's probably not going to stay faithful either Jac: you're so unfunny Amelia: because I'm not in a 🤡 mood or here to make you laugh Jac: then stop making stupid suggestions Amelia: why? so I can make a real suggestion that you'll like even less Jac: you suggesting something you know I won't do is entirely pointless Amelia: this entire conversation is Jac: maybe you'd be helpful for once Jac: but no Amelia: I'm not going to tell you to date him or to fuck more boys just like him, and that's all you want to hear Jac: you know, not everyone is so sure of themselves like you Jac: and that's alright Amelia: I've never put a label on you and I never will Amelia: that doesn't mean this is alright with me Jac: nothing but me declaring my undying love would be with you Amelia: it's not about what you won't say, it's about what you have Amelia: you're fucking horrible to me Jac: duh Jac: I'm horrible to everyone Amelia: just stop talking to me the way you have to everyone Jac: I'm not talking to you Amelia: you are though Amelia: you literally just said you want my help Jac: so? Jac: I use everyone when I need to Amelia: so go and use someone else Jac: easy Amelia: then go and do it instead of bragging Jac: I'm not beholden to what you want, or your time schedule Jac: you can just go away Amelia: no shit Amelia: if I could go away I would have Jac: Stop whining, honestly Jac: cry to me when they get you sectioned instead of catholic school Amelia: I'll be too thrilled Jac: ��� Amelia: *🙌 Jac: you're such a baby Amelia: if only Jac: ugh no Jac: I can't do this conversation again Amelia: then don't Amelia: fuck off Jac: waiting for my ride, tah Amelia: I didn't ask because I don't want to know or care Jac: yeah Jac: people who don't care throw parties in reaction Jac: get a grip Jac: at least I'm not pretending I don't care about Savannah Amelia: I said I don't want to care, the same way I don't want to know Amelia: and of course you're not because how else would you hurt me whenever you feel like it if you did Jac: I couldn't pretend not to if I wanted to Jac: and oddly enough, that's not about you Amelia: no, the 💔 it causes me is just a bonus for you Amelia: nothing is actually about me Jac: Seeing people happy upsets me, it isn't a strictly you thing Jac: in the most positive sense, of course Amelia: I know, we've had that conversation Amelia: because that's all we do, say the same shit over and over Jac: you think I'm gonna change my tune Jac: that why you're sticking around Amelia: I literally can't get away from you unless they do bother to send me somewhere else Jac: Charming Jac: I can't do much more to fucking disappear, Amelia Amelia: me either Amelia: I've basically begged them now and my bags aren't packed so Jac: fuck you Amelia: yeah Jac: go Jac: now Amelia: you heard me, there's nowhere Amelia: unless I crash my 🚗 into a 🌳 Jac: I don't care Jac: please go Amelia: you go Amelia: I make everything else really easy for you Jac: do you fuck Amelia: when isn't it? it's all on your bullshit terms as and when you decide what they are Jac: 'cos that's all you fucking care about Jac: is that bit Amelia: because it fucking matters Jac: what matters is my life is a fucking wreck Jac: and you don't care about that, at all Amelia: that's such a fucking lie Jac: it just ain't Amelia: I can't fix it, that doesn't mean I don't care Jac: except you literally don't Jac: and you just wait for me to hit you up Amelia: if you need proof of that too, just tell me what Jac: the proof is here Jac: you wanna leave too Jac: do it Amelia: I don't want to, I have to Amelia: you haven't given me any choice Jac: then I can't say you're any different Jac: because you won't be Amelia: you've already said I'm no different Amelia: and you ended it Jac: you don't listen Jac: or understand Amelia: because that isn't the reaction you want Amelia: I can't do either of those things when I'm angry or upset Jac: I don't want that Jac: a reaction based on guesswork of what you think I want Jac: a performance Amelia: it's a reaction based on how you've made me feel, nothing else Jac: then why does it feel so fake Amelia: I don't know Amelia: I can't be any realer Amelia: I give you everything Jac: I get why she left Jac: love makes you different Jac: it's sort of repulsive Jac: you wouldn't, the you I know Jac: knew Jac: wouldn't just do that, put up with all this Jac: but you do and I did for her and it's sickening Amelia: my parents are in love and they don't act like this Amelia: neither do yours Jac: so you don't love me Amelia: of course I do but there's clearly something wrong with me too Jac: there's nothing about this to be embraced Jac: to celebrate or want Jac: it's awful Jac: I feel awful, all the time Amelia: I know Amelia: I take drugs now, as of last night, that's not what planned for my future Jac: it's no worse than being known as that girl Jac: see, you can't say she doesn't have the right idea Jac: she doesn't fucking care about any of them Jac: she's living it up and doesn't have to deal with any of this Amelia: I'd rather die than say she has the right idea about anything, on principle Jac: 🙄 Jac: whatever Jac: she's happy, you're not Jac: and I'm not Amelia: all we see is her feed, I could be happy on there if I thought it mattered Jac: Please Jac: do you really think Savannah is becoming an addict or having threesomes Amelia: no because she has different coping mechanisms Jac: it's not coping if you're thriving Amelia: when I had a girlfriend I still thought about you, maybe she is Amelia: you're the one who gave the 'not everyone is as sure as me' speech Jac: except she is definitely straight and that was beyond apparent when I kissed her Jac: or at the very least, she's not thinking about me Amelia: maybe not, because she's hardly thriving, her parents are fucked and she hates catholic school Amelia: *but Jac: that's just what her dad tells your mum, or people who then tell your mum, whatever Jac: you know how high his expectations are Jac: if she's not tap dancing home every day she's suicidal Amelia: I'm just saying, unless you ever actually talk to her you won't know Amelia: if I'd have kissed you when I first thought about it, you'd have lost it too Jac: that won't be happening because I'm blocked Jac: and she's not gonna suddenly have the urge to reach out Amelia: not now Jac: not ever Jac: as sweet as it is to hold out hope for me Jac: I'm not personally gonna kid myself Jac: I was there, I know what happened Amelia: okay Jac: I'll never do it again Amelia: what? hope or 💋 anyone Amelia: because your new boyfriend won't last very long if it's 💋 Jac: hope, yeah Jac: but I meant ❤ Amelia: I'm not waiting for the declaration, that's in your head Jac: you are Jac: because I've said the opposite enough times for you to have heard that loud and clear Amelia: I gave up ages before any of this happened Jac: then what Amelia: this over nothing Jac: that's Amelia: you can't hurt me by calling me pathetic or whatever else, my mum's said as much in kinder words and I've said it to myself in harsher ones Jac: no Jac: I don't know what it is Jac: your mum hates me Amelia: all she wants is for me to be happy and I can't Amelia: she hates that I keep doing worse instead of better Jac: that's stupid Jac: you're a teenager, not a poodle Amelia: if I was a dog they'd have probably given me away by now, so just as well Jac: if she thought it was gonna be all sunshine and rainbows I dread to think how boring her formative years were Amelia: she just doesn't want 🌧💀🥀 again Amelia: I shouldn't have lied that I was better for a bit Jac: everyone finds everyone else's pain and misery boring Jac: I get told all the time Jac: as if that'll make me reconsider Jac: she'll just have to deal, not like you can do anything about it Amelia: yeah Jac: it's easier not to care Amelia: obviously but I can't switch it on and off Amelia: so I care that I ruined their weekend when they never get to go anywhere Jac: obviously Jac: you just have to pretend Jac: it has the same affect Jac: of them stopping to care in return Amelia: you've met my parents, they're unstoppable Jac: oh and mine are just massive cunts then Amelia: shut up, no Jac: you'll be fine Jac: just need to meet someone who isn't a bitch next time Amelia: in my next life or this one? Jac: you'll do it before school is out guaranteed Amelia: this really is over then Jac: I want that for your sake Amelia: you want it for you because I'm boring Jac: don't be stupid Amelia: you literally compared me to Jude so Jac: I'm just trying to get you to hate me like you should Amelia: I don't want you to want me if that's what you think, it'd be too weird Jac: Don't accuse me of incest, for God's sake Amelia: at least that's actually taboo Amelia: you could put your self-loathing somewhere Jac: why are you always so gross Amelia: because that's how I feel inside Amelia: obviously Jac: anyway, it's been done too many times in my family Jac: no one would even care Amelia: true Jac: again, no one needs to tell me how un-unique my problems are Jac: like that solves 'em Amelia: or to get over it/get a grip/grow up/ however else you want to phrase it Jac: exactly Amelia: stop saying it to me then Amelia: it doesn't change anything Jac: what part of 'getting you to hate me' are you not getting though Jac: it won't change the feeling but distance and time should and that's where we're trying to get you Amelia: unless we're having sex, don't worry about how I feel or getting me to feel any type of way Jac: I'm not worried about that Amelia: good Jac: you don't wanna give me a complex? Jac: I suppose that's nice Amelia: if I wanted to lie, I'd choose something that isn't as easy to prove is Jac: not like I need to be good at it anyway Jac: ⛪ Amelia: if your boyfriend had any complaints he wouldn't be picking you up, I guess Jac: It isn't him Amelia: did you go with option 3? Jac: as I can't remember her name, no Jac: I'm going out with Darla Amelia: you're going with her idea Jac: it's literally the best option I have Jac: I don't have to repeat it but her and her friends will back me Amelia: I don't see why you can't just let people say what they're going to say Jac: what's the point in that? Amelia: because they will anyway and it won't matter when you leave Jac: I'm not leaving yet Jac: and no one talks shit about Darla Jac: she's a good ally to have Amelia: okay Jac: don't you think so Amelia: it doesn't matter what I think Jac: well what do you think? Amelia: you know what I think Amelia: I'm not going to keep going on like a broken record Jac: yeah but, of the things you know I'm going to do Jac: it's not that bad Amelia: right Amelia: that's why I said okay and not fuck you Jac: and she's just uncomplicated and nothing to do with this situation Jac: which is what I need right now Amelia: sure, give me a complex, why not? Jac: also totally straight and I don't fancy her Jac: so you can calm down Amelia: 😏 Amelia: I'll go to sleep, my parents left off shouting at me and you started Jac: maybe you'll get to redecorate Amelia: I won't mention it in case it sounds like I'm suggesting I did them a favour Amelia: but I did say they could sell my 🚗 to calm my dad down Jac: 😬 Jac: they'll probably act like they're gonna for a while, make you sweat it, but then they'll not or get you a new one when you pass so you can have your independence Jac: very them move, just pretend you're learning a lesson in the meantime Amelia: 🥱 Jac: 👸🏻 spoilt bitch Jac: none of us will be getting cars, imagine Jac: look like a garage forecourt Amelia: you can borrow mine if I ever get the 🔑 back Jac: yeah Jac: won't hold my breath, like Amelia: me either, my mum's been googling drug slang since she stopped crying Jac: 😂 Jac: you wanna watch out she'll be going 'round to every dealer she can find and asking 'em to stop, as a concerned mother Amelia: maybe she'll send me to rehab Amelia: very 👸🏻 Jac: throw in some conversion therapy for free Jac: least you don't need a sly abortion too Amelia: no way, you can have Darla, my parents are real allies Amelia: there are so many knitted and embroidered 🌈 in this 🏠 Jac: lovely Jac: that's just her aesthetic Amelia: 😂 Jac: I'd sooner die than have my parents come at me with anything rainbow Amelia: it's unlikely Jac: I'll air on the side of impossible, thanks Amelia: what are you doing with her then? Jac: gym Amelia: 🤨 Jac: you're familiar with the concept Amelia: but not why you would want to Jac: rude Amelia: I mean, 1. go for a run outside, that's way more you  2. you don't need to, clearly  3. 😴 Jac: I'm not as sleepy as you Jac: what the fuck did you take, xanax Amelia: I'm not on commission and also I don't know Jac: wow, so smart Amelia: I wasn't trying to make a wise move Jac: clearly Amelia: I've heard it all from my parents Jac: you had a go at me for drinking too much Jac: you've got some nerve Amelia: okay, god Amelia: I get it Jac: it's so typical Jac: did my brother or sister have any Amelia: I don't know Amelia: not with me Jac: don't lie to me Amelia: I'm not Jac: I'll find out if they have Jac: again, typical Amelia: Jess wasn't even that drunk, he spent all his time playing the new stuff he's been working on Amelia: he was excited about it Jac: whopee for him Amelia: and Jude wasn't there long before the party ended Jac: Fine, I believe you don't know Amelia: I don't have any reason to lie to you Jac: you have plenty Jac: but I guess you are that shit of a mate Jac: not gonna cover for him, like Amelia: we can't all be Darla's, I guess Jac: 🙄 Jac: you're so salty like you didn't just throw a fuck you party Amelia: what do you want me to say? I've already admitted that I'm not a good friend to have and I don't want to be his Jac: I'm just saying, why are you surprised Jac: not like I'm claiming I'm an amazing friend here Amelia: I'm literally the opposite of surprised Jac: she's easy to talk to Amelia: okay Amelia: I'm sure she'll pick you up soon Jac: just gonna have to kick Jude out my way Amelia: I'll leave you to that Jac: you're going to sleep more like Jac: night Amelia: I'll try Amelia: but my mum is back to cleaning up again Jac: unlucky Jac: do something productive Amelia: I've already passed my theory Jac: help your mum, you lazy cow Jac: also you still have one of my best tops somewhere Amelia: she was this close to smacking me with a duster earlier because I can't match her standards Amelia: do I, which one? Jac: [a pic of one of 'em wearing it] Jac: you better have Jac: maybe your mum is using it as a duster Amelia: 😂 Amelia: no, I've got it Jac: 👍 Amelia: I'll sneak out when you need it back Jac: I'll survive Amelia: right now, because you're mad at me Amelia: but you'll want it back eventually Jac: when am I not pissed off at you Amelia: there's an obvious answer but my mum will notice my 😳 Jac: can't have that Jac: not that much of an ally Amelia: not to you Jac: 💔 Amelia: at least I'm not lying on top of sneaking around now, you're welcome Jill Jac: I'm not your bad example, fuck off Amelia: she knows the truth again, is what I meant Jac: hmm Jac: alright Amelia: you're especially pissed off today, I get it, you don't need to be so quick on the draw Jac: you are being a special sort of dickhead Jac: that'll be why Amelia: 😕 Jac: don't give me that Jac: you know what you did Jac: and you're on a comedown, so sit with how shit you feel and don't forget it next time you wanna get high Amelia: I'm sorry, you know Amelia: not just feeling it for myself Jac: yeah, your mum cried Jac: I heard Amelia: yeah but I'm specifically giving you an apology for my 'fuck you' party, or I'm trying to, anyway Jac: just don't invite my brother again and it's whatever Amelia: I'm not hosting again, I assumed that was pretty evident Jac: your parents are never leaving the house again Jac: that's definite Amelia: exactly Jac: oh well Amelia: my grades will soar if nothing else Jac: parties are overrated Amelia: but I'll never see you if neither of us go Jac: you didn't invite me to this one did you Amelia: you already had plans so no Jac: he's well rich Jac: his house was nicer than Savannah's Amelia: I'm especially thrilled I didn't invite him, Jude's slagged off my house enough as is Jac: He might've come Jac: thinking he was well in Amelia: 😣 Jac: 😂 Amelia: it's not funny Jac: it is though Amelia: no, it isn't Jac: it's not like you have to sleep with him, Amelia Amelia: the has to bit is what makes this all really unamusing Amelia: because you think you do Jac: no I don't Jac: it helps, sure, but it's hardly involuntary Amelia: how has it helped? Amelia: your life is harder not easier Jac: that isn't because I fuck lads Jac: it's all the rest Amelia: yeah it is, that lad specifically means that you need to strategise with Darla Jac: only because of that other girl Jac: and I only had to go that hard because of her stupid posts in the first place Amelia: she's blocked you though Amelia: and I doubt she ever followed him Jac: she definitely did Jac: are you that gay you haven't heard the rumours about him? Amelia: apparently so because I have no idea what you're talking about Jac: 🐎 Amelia: oh great Jac: 😂 Jac: don't 😳 your mum will see Amelia: there's the complex you didn't give me over your gym buddy, thanks so much Jac: you're really going to go all Freud over this Amelia: no Jac: 🍆 envy is a whole new coming out Amelia: 🙄 Jac: technically, you'd be straight so Jac: something to consider Amelia: I'm not high any more, we don't need to Jac: if you say so Amelia: yeah, he's a 🎣 because 🤑🏠🐎🍆 Amelia: there's no competition or anything else to consider Jac: probably best not to change gender expression based on that alone Amelia: I don't plan to Jac: pleased to hear it Jac: anyway, my ride is here so Amelia: 👋 Jac: 👋