#'so what if i have had very intense/deep friendships with at least 4 different men during all those years?'

[radioactive-earthshine]

Why Bart/Kon Shouldn't Be A Rare-Pair: The Konbart Manifesto and Friendship Deep-Dive.

This is a long post with a read more cut further down.

Trigger Words: Death, Depression

I feel like during the time Kon and Bart were both out of comic continuity a lot of comic enjoyers 1.) forgot that these two were intensely close and 2.) in the case of newer fans never even realized the depths of their friendship even prior to Young Justice 2019.

This post is going to primarily focus on Bart and Kon's friendship and how they work together both presented in the comics, and what is implied through dialog and circumstantial events.

Even if you are not looking at what is presented below through the shipping lens, what I am going to compile here at the very least showcases that they have an intense friendship and solidifies that Kon is one of Bart's lightening rods and these two are relevant to each other in ways that I rarely see explored in fan works.

Bart in fanworks with Kon is frequently more or less there as a backdrop to another ship, is there for light moments or just is glazed over as "not a best friend" when the comics make it blatant that Bart and Kon are intensely close.

So let me explain their history and why they work so well together as friends first, and how the ship makes sense and should not be considered rare or a "crack-ship" as they are mutually affectionate.

1.) Kon and Bart share a ridiculous amount of things in common.

I talk about this frequently on this blog and others have pointed this out before in separate posts, but their similarities and sense of belonging to their respective worlds are factors that absolutely bind them closer and in special ways that others do not.

Unfortunately, this is (mostly) an indirect example of their dynamic because DC either sees no value in exploring these commonalities, or writers just have not recognized these details to explore them to fulfil deeper connections between Kon and Bart.

The exception to this was when Bart acknowledged their own sense of isolation and 'weirdness' in Young Justice 2019 The Emancipation of Bartholomew.

"I don't know who to talk to about any of this. No one can relate. Not even the other Flashes. I think that's what you and I always kind of had in common, Conner. We are not like everyone else. Even in our Superman and Flash columns... We are the most different." - Bart

Bart is ultimately correct here as both he and Kon share that when it comes to their family columns they stand out and have history and abilities that is isolating to the point where others in their families might not be able to connect to or relate to them in specific ways, but that doesn't stop their respective families from trying and loving them regardless.

Other than their isolation, they also share in common some key things that happened to them in their lives and some traits that a writer could absolutely capitalize on to make a strong story and it binds them closer together.

Here's a non-exhaustive list of past formative events that both Kon and Bart share.

They both were victims of dubiously moral scientists at the orders of cruel men.

They both do not have proper childhoods due to their unique births, younger life situations, and weird aging (see #4).

Both have genius level intellects, but no one really acknowledges it or takes it seriously.

They both had weird aging outside of Sins of Youth.

Both were cloned by cruel people and their clones replace them so successfully they fooled their friends and family that the imposter was them.

Both at varying times had members of their respective families not believe in them and questioned their integrity, morality and ability to be a hero.

Both mutually shared trauma associated with Bart's first "death" on Apokolips that others in their team did not.

Both had their mentors 'die' while they were not present and had to have the news delivered to them after it already happened. For Bart this was Max, and for Kon it was Jim Harper.

Both were raised by elderly people.

Both for a good period of time lived in the same state just hours from each other.

Both essentially 'grew up' and changed their entire identities overnight which can be fairly read as an expression of deep depression.

They both died just within months of each other.

To counterpoint #5 they were both part of Tim's cloning adventures in present time and in a hypothetical future.

They were both erased from existence in the reboot, and both remembered each other and everything about the world before it rebooted.

As I mentioned before, the list above is not really mentioned between Kon and Bart in the comics, and they do not have any real conversations about how they share various trauma as comic narration tends to avoid characters hashing out feelings unless it is to serve growth that a writer wants to develop. However in a realistic scenario there is a strong likelihood that Kon and Bart would realize their commonality and feel kindred and comforted to know that there is someone else out there in the world that understands what they went through on a deep, personal level.

2.) Kon and Bart are FRIENDS outside of Young Justice and Teen Titans.

This is a bullet point that is a 'no duh' for all of them as each member of Young Justice/Teen Titans has been shown to be friends outside of beating the daylights out of bad guys, and many others have been shown to have deep bonds outside of 'work', but this point goes back to the introduction in that I feel a lot of people just have neglected to understand their friendship.

In their Young Justice days especially their friendship is unique and it is implied it started before the formation of team as Kon knew Bart's secret identity prior to the JLA: World Without Grown-Ups special.

Pre Young Justice/Early Friendship

Kon encourages Bart by name during the climax of their battle.

Throughout this special Kon refers to Bart casually by his first name and there is nowhere within this issue that seems to imply that Bart reveals this information during their team up. Kon knew his name beforehand which suggests either Bart told him, or he learned it second-hand from within the hero community.

Tim knows his name because of Batman.

This shows that there was a level of TRUST they had in each other even before the formation of Young Justice. To note, Kon does not learn Bart's name at all in Superboy and the Ravers #7 either when they first meet, so somewhere between then and the JLA: WWGU event Kon discovered or was told Bart's name.

Within this issue we see small crumbs that suggest Kon and Bart got to know a little bit about each other beforehand as there was some friendly teasing, banter and encouragement exchanged between them (even picking on Tim together).

Kon teases Bart and Bart remembers this for years afterwards, flipping it on Wally in his own series later.

Kon and Bart work together to win and are obnoxious about it, as they should be.

Also, when it came to Bedlam devising ways to defeat Tim, Kon and Bart by having each other imagine ways to kill one another, Kon was close enough by then to devise a way that was very specific and effective - by trapping Bart in a contraption that prevented him from moving at all.

Kon apologizes for imagining putting Bart into a restraining bench as his way to defeat him.

This again implies that Kon got to know enough about Bart to know what would cripple him in a fight; you can make an argument that he just thought it up on the spot basing it on first impressions, but if you read the issue entirely the implication still directs that they were friendly beforehand even if in the comics they had not interacted except for in Superboy and the Ravers #7.

The logical assumption is that Bart and Kon knew each other before this and were friendly.

Young Justice

Kon and Bart yet again tease and frustrate Tim together. This is reoccurring.

While they were in Young Justice we get to finally see their friendship really pick up because they finally had a comic series that they shared which meant they could grow and develop. Within this series we get to see them interact with each other in ways that are unique to them.

Young Justice #9.

Kon and Bart will often play games together during down-time in Young Justice (also in Teen Titans), such as Chess where Bart proves to be more calm and collected about it than Kon is as a counterbalance.

Young Justice #31

By the middle part of Young Justice it is well established that Kon is Bart's go-to person for entertainment within their team as depicted in the above issue where Bart desperately tries to convince Kon to break from his television program to be with him. We can assume Bart's suggestions are things that they have done together before. What is also interesting to note is Bart is asking to do things with him as Bart Allen, not as Impulse.

Young Justice #53

To further solidify that they are close friends and interact in ways specific to them, Kon and Bart not only play traditional games, but they took the time to joke with each other to come up with a whole new game that has no winner, it's just interaction and fun. This sort of interaction is unique specifically to them as the others are not part of this behavior.

Teen Titans/2003-2011

By the time the Teen Titan years roll around they both have assumed new identities, one where Kon takes a step back into Conner Kent as an attempt to live more normally (something he's always wanted to do), and one where Bart takes up the Kid Flash mantle. They both experience changes in drastic (and sudden) ways, and even through some offensive writing and general character assassinations, they still are shown having a unique and intense bond specific to each other.

For the sake of pacing I am only going to explore a couple moments that stood out to me (this series is 100 issues long!) that show both of them being close emotionally as by now they are emotionally bound friends.

When Kon discovers that half his DNA came directly from Lex Luthor and was mind controlled to attack his friends, naturally everyone was trying their best to stop him.

Bart was ordered to "take him down" being the person in the best place to do so, and instead of going heavy handed Bart decided to try to reason with Kon instead.

Bart doesn't want to hurt Kon. And he refuses to do so at personal sacrifice to himself.

Teen Titans Volume 3 #25

Unfortunately Bart was not successful here but he tried very hard to reach him and appealed to who he knew Kon was at a deep level.

The important thing to note is during this wretched time in their tenure a lot of things happen; one of the main ones being them both dying within months of each other (one of their shared commonalities). Kon died first, and then Bart followed.

During Bart's funeral during Countdown #43 they play a video Bart recorded of himself basically wishing everyone well and encouraging them to not be sad that he was dead. However there are a couple moments that stand out...

In Bart's speech he is addressing everyone in his team, but he specifically mentions Kon in two key moments; he is addressing and speaking directly to Kon as if everything is well even though at this time Kon is dead.

Kon never got to hear this.

Bart and Kon by this point have solidified a strong bond where perhaps when Bart was thinking about making this recording he knew that Kon deserved a special acknowledgement to help him in his grieving process, which in the past Kon did not handle well in regards to Bart (I will explain below.) After Kon died Bart either didn't have the time to make a new video or just didn't want to revisit it again and left it as it was mentioning Kon regardless that he was not going to hear it.

Bart and Kon did not stay dead for long and eventually came back, once they did they had to deal with the aftermath of being dead together...

One of those aftermaths being Kon's relationship with Cassie had started to shift in ways that neither knew how to deal with, nor did they know why it was changing as both were dealing with personal stuff at the time. They are teenagers, after all.

In an attempt to try to get advice, Kon went specifically to Bart for help; not Tim, Gar, Cyborg or Clark or any other 'guy'. He saw Bart as someone he trusted and someone whose input he valued. There is a great level of trust they both have for each other as talking about relationships is a vulnerable and personal step.

Teen Titans Volume 3 #83

Ignore the bad writing on Cassie's part who in this for whatever reason thinks Bart won't respect her if he knows there are relationship issues, and implies that Kon is not allowed to ask for advice from one of their closest friends. Kon breaks up with Cassie a few issues later citing that he wants to give her space to focus on being a leader, and that he wants to retreat (further) into Conner Kent. This is a decision he made himself and it is unknown if he reached out to Bart again for advice.

While the outrageous events of TTv3 kept Kon and Bart extremely busy, we do still get hints that they still do things together outside of being heroes and Kon still reaches out to Bart for help.

Superboy 2011 #3

During this time in comics canon (2003-2011), Bart and Kon live only 4 hours away in the same state (Kansas). Bart being a speedster obviously can be right there with him nearly instantly no matter where he lives, but the closeness also opens more doors of familiarity between them and more relatability.

Kon reaches out to Bart for yet more help when he suggests to Bart to race him for charity so he can help the farmers in Smallville that lost a substantial amount of revenue. Bart gladly accepts and their race has some great FUN moments as they banter and talk about current events.

Kid Flash Lost #1

In one of the final comics of the pre-boot world Bart still references that he watches movies with Kon casually, specifically showcasing that even in a dystopian future where The Matrix is realized, Bart is thinking about Kon and everything they do together.

Bart and Kon are friends, and their friendship has been unwavering without a lapse in trust as both have been anchors for each other; no matter what happens, if the other is alive then it is a good day and they are likely going to be gravitating towards one another.

3.) Kon's breakdown over Bart's "death" and coma.

I don't really see a lot of people talk about this part of Kon's history (even from hardcore Kon fans) unless it is specifically from a Konbart shipping lens and I am not sure why, because everything about the two issue mental breakdown is heartbreaking just on its own with no shipping element added.

Also in one of the issues it implies that Kon has (while subconsciously) bi-curious feelings towards Bart.

The start of Kon's breakdown begins on Apokolips where they were stranded because he got in a fight with Tim and they crashed there. Because of that fight it led to all of them getting traumatized by Granny Goodness, but Bart suffered the worst when his own scout was killed in front of Cassie, Cissie, Kon and himself.

Impulse #77

As a result, Bart was comatose for weeks and up until he woke up no one knew if he would survive.

Kon took it extremely badly. Not only is he himself traumatized from having witnessed it viscerally, but he also blamed himself for it happening in the first place.

Superboy #91

Kon is writing a letter to Dr. Serling back home while he is still in space and the entire letter is... heartbreaking as he pens out his own grief and trauma in a personal way.

At this point in time, Kon has accepted that Bart is going to die. Kon has essentially lost all hope that Bart will recover and he blames himself entirely for it.

Even when he gets back to Earth in Superboy #92 he still is having PTSD symptoms from everything that happened on Apokolips and Bart is still at the forefront of his thoughts along with everything else that happened there...

(Please remember the title of this issue it is important)

Below is Kon's personal dialog that shows he has intrusive and frequent thoughts about Apokolips, in particular Bart dying and the Lobo clones dying.

"Now Bart's dead. Ba-dump-bump."

"Apokolips. Satan's top choice for vacation spots, after Suicide Slum and Binghampton in winter." "Us. Young Justice. Stranded. Forgotten, unwashed P.O.W.S." "Impulse, a piece of him. All of him. I don't get it, anymore." "He died badly. The smell -- My fault." "The legion of naked Lobos. If there is one grain of comedy in any of this, it's the legion of naked Lobos..." "...'Cept they all died, too. "The aftermath, you don't have to see "A.I." to believe a robot can get very, very, upset." "Just try breaking the news to Red Tornado."

"Ah. Yes, and there's Impulse again. The rest of him. None of him. So whacked out on having watched and felt his own death..." "Cut to: the smell of Impulse frying." "Dead Lobos." "Torture." "Death." "Torture." "..." "Death."

"I am so out of here." - Kon-El

The first two pages alone set the tone for the rest of the issue even if it takes a manic tone with a theme of Alice in Wonderland as a fever dream from hell. Before we get there though we are hit with two panels that are... interesting.

"Hey. Mrs. K., Got any apple pie in the fridge? Oh, one piece is fine. Impulse is in a stupid coma, so he won't -- Hold me? Tell me the war never happened? Pet my head?" - Kon-El

When you look at these two panels the first interpretation is that Kon is implying that Bart won't be around to hold him and pet his head.

The second interpretation is that Kon was going to say that Bart wasn't there to enjoy the pie (thus one piece was fine) and that he had a break in thought and was directing his desire for Martha to hold him and comfort him.

Either way you look at these panels and choose to interpret them it could go either way considering Kon's fragile mental state and how close of friends they were, and where his TWENTY HOUR dream takes him, it could really have been that he was wishing Bart would hold him.

That Kon wants Bart to be alive to comfort and balm the terror that he faced while on Apokolips.

Hm. Hmmm. Okay.

So Bart's dressed as the White Rabbit (remember the title?) but not only that in Kon's own dream he has him make a reference to it being a Playboy Bunny Suit.

I'm just going to leave that there because nothing else can be said about it.

These particular panels have been floating around for ages without context and you don't need much other than to know that the other two are Cherub and Kon's dead girlfriend Tana Moon.

Tana was killed in the Sins of Youth arc by Amanda Spence specifically to hurt Kon.

Cherub was a clone created by Amanda Spence using Bart and Tana Moon's DNA. Amanda shot her in the head while Kon was having a heart-to-heart conversation with her, and as far as he knows she is dead at this point.

And then there is Bart who Kon has resigned multiple times is already dead despite the fact he is in a coma.

Two of the above were direct love interests that were hurt specifically because of Kon, to hurt him, and in his own dream Kon is placing Bart in with them as a person he loves who he is responsible for getting hurt.

The line that Kon might "secretly think of Impulse as a chick" is definitely skirting some lines of bi-coding, or at least getting as close to it as possible for a comic that was released in 2001 which was an incredibly homophobic era. Also it is fun to note that entire dream sequence is colored in bi-flag colors which was adopted in 1998, it was likely unintentional but you can take that as you will.

Kon's fever dream lasted twenty hours and after this issue he was back to "normal" and this breakdown is never mentioned again.

However considering that Bart's own "Death Video" in Countdown #43 had him talking specifically to Kon a couple of times, the two of them might have discussed what happened on Apokolips which led Bart to have the foresight to try to make things easier in a "Death is nothing at all, I'm only in the other room" sort of way. Because by then Bart knew that if he died, people would be upset. Kon extremely so.

4.) Kon helps Bart overcome his fear of using his scouts just by existing.

After the trauma-inducing terror that happened on Apokolips Bart himself was dealing with a bout of PTSD and he took a temporary absence from being Impulse and being a part of Young Justice.

To compliment Kon's own letter from Superboy #91 Bart claims that being Impulse "Isn't fun anymore" in mirrored trauma.

Bart eventually got to a point mentally where he found purpose being Impulse again, but he was extremely weary of using his scouts for obvious reasons.

Then the World Without Young Justice arc came and Bart was face-to-face with Matthew Stuart (Bedlam) who had been in a coma for two years and was out for revenge.

Using his own magical power he had found a way to force Bart into making scouts and he had them flung through time altering the timestream to a point where nothing looked familiar and Young Justice was... gone; the girls converted into villains, the boys were stripped of their powers and training as Kon was just a human teenager and Tim was just Tim Drake.

Bart was the only one who remembered them and it was up to him to stop Matt.

The problem was, he was petrified of absorbing his scouts back into himself because the last time one of his scouts died, he nearly died. Bart wasn't sure what would happen if he re-absorbed a dying scout, because he regains everything that scout experienced and felt while it was operating.

Superboy #99

"That'll keep him... busy while... we make our escape..." - Bart

"'Escape?' You can barely stand and your other selves..." - Kon

"... Are dying. I've made too many... Their only chance... is to take 'em back into me. It's just... dunno what'll happen if I absorb a dying scout..." - Bart

"Look... Don't worry. You'll be okay. Why, you're one of the good guys." - Kon while touching Bart's shoulder.

"Uh... ...Here goes everythnnngghh!!" - Bart

"Wow... You okay?" - Kon

"No... But it's no biggie. We better head for Bedlam's Castle, back to Tim..." - Bart

At first glance this might seem inconsequential but Bart really was absolutely petrified of absorbing those scouts back, and he did so because Kon encouraged him, and because Kon in that moment was vulnerable and could be killed with almost no effort.

Bart overcame his fear and absorbed his scouts which had a consequence that wasn't outright shown but if you're well-read in The Flash you know what is going on.

Bart is pushing his own limits here, he is hurt, badly, and is dying himself but because he is a Speedster they never reveal this when it is happening. A speedster admitting something is wrong, but is 'no big deal' is code speak for "I'm going to die, so let's hurry up and save the day."

Bart's exhausted here and is likely going through some sort of molecular and emotional trauma as a result of absorbing his dying scouts, but Kon and all of Young Justice is worth it.

In the end, Bart recovers, saves the day and everything returns to normal... almost.

5.) The Emancipation of Bart Allen AKA Bart "broke reality" for Kon.

Kon was erased from existence with the N52 reboot and with Rebirth he was still no where to be found and no one seemed concerned about where Kon was despite the fact that the multiverse/reboots were very common knowledge among the heroes by then.

Bart (retroactively) was the only one who was shown to actively remember Kon due to his own imperviousness to time shifts and due to the fact that he was able to avoid being rebooted himself. Cassie mentioned remembering "everything about Young Justice" thus implying that she too likely remembered Kon, but Tim didn't remember him (or Young Justice) and needed Zatanna to help unlock the memories of his dear friend. Bart remembered Kon and actively took it upon himself to find him, and by extension Young Justice.

The entirety of Young Justice 2019 has a lot of great moments between Kon and Bart (Bart was relentless in his effort to find Kon, both times he went missing) but there is one key moment that sticks out.

Bart's explanation for what happened leading up to him "breaking things" to find Kon is a little mushy when it comes to continuity placement (Bendis tends to have mushy writing) but his desire to find Kon over everyone else is blatant.

Please tell us Kon, what do you plan on doing? We'll never know bc Tim interjected.

Everything about this issue is charged with emotional depth between both Kon and Bart; from Bart's deep desire to find Kon and Kon's desire to help take care of Bart while he was vulnerable after passing out.

Extremely popular ships were started over less than this ^

After passing out, Kon takes Bart to the woods and builds a fire for them. Kon also remembers that Bart loves Chocos (DC's version of Oreos) and nicked a whole pack from S.T.A.R. Labs for Bart specifically.

6.) Lightening Rod

As mentioned above Young Justice 2019 offered us a lot of moments between Kon and Bart that were suggestive and showcased that Bart is relentless when it comes to making sure Kon is safe, and that Young Justice is intact.

Each member of Young Justice is clearly a lightening rod for Bart as Speedsters can have more than one however there is evidence to suggest that Kon just may have a pull on him more than the others.

Young Justice 2019 #1

When Bart is zapped to Gemworld at the same time as everyone else he alone appears next to Kon, suggesting he is a lightening rod. Tim, Cassie, Jinny and Kelly were separated to other locations entirely.

The working theory building from what we know of Speedsters and their lighting rods, is that when Bart was finally put in proximity to Kon, Bart was immediately attracted to him like lightning strike to a tall building.

Once Bart was reunited with Kon, well, we get the famous hug scene under the backdrop of the bi-flag.

Young Justice 2019 #2 again, popular ships were started over much less.

Knowing what we know now of the depth Bart went through to find Kon and reunite Young Justice can you really blame him for not wanting to let him go?

The rest of YJ2019 has multiple other instances of them hugging, touching and Bart getting very persistent about making sure Kon is safe, which contributed to him passing out.

In Closing

When it comes to shipping, either as just friends or as romantic partners in some fashion, the evidence provided above gives groundwork for a ship that is based on trust, compassion for the other, emotional vulnerability through shared experiences and protectiveness of the other all with an air of playfulness.

Their affection is mutual and their desire to help each other, mourn each other and support each other is not one-sided as we see both of them do things for the other.

There is a lot of angst there, and there also is a lot playfulness with willingness to listen to each other if in the hands of a writer that understands their past history.

Kon and Bart are friends, first and foremost, and Konbart should not be a rare-pair or considered a ship with no basis as the basis has roots going back to 1995.

8/5/23: edited for more concise phrasing and removed some misleading word choice, sorry about that it WAS unintentional.

#konbart #bartkon #bart allen #kon-el #kon el #conner kent #impulse #superboy #dc comics #this post killed me and i couldn't use all the images i wanted #be grateful i looked at ttv3 which made me want to punch something #can you believe there was more to add but i just ran out of image space #to be continued?? #FFFFF typos fixed

[teenslib]

IT’S FINALLY DONE! Every year, the Rainbow Book List Committee has more books to review, because literature is slowing getting queerer, and children’s and YA lit are at the forefront of that change. This year, our committee of 13 people had to review nearly 500 eligible titles, and 130 (well, 129) were good enough and queer enough to make the list. There were so many terrific books that we got a special dispensation to create TWO Top Ten lists--the first time the committee has done so! The Top Tens are below, and please visit the link above for the full list.

I’m proud of our committee’s focus on diversity--along lines of race, ethnicity, queer identity, and even genre. At least half of the Top Ten Books for Young Readers and seven of the Top Ten for Teen Readers are about characters of color, and most of those were written by authors of color. We also tried to feature as many different letters of the alphabet soup as possible. I’ve noted the racial and LGBTQIA+ rep for the books that I’ve read.

Here are the Top Ten Books for Young Readers:

Ana on the Edge by Sass, A.J. Ages 8 to 12. Sports Fiction/Figure Skating. MC is nonbinary and Jewish-Chinese-American. Ana is a champion figure-skater. She hates her new princess-themed program, but how can she tell her mother that, when it cost so much money? And why does it bother her so much, anyway? When she finds the word ‘nonbinary,’ she realizes why the program doesn’t fit, but she still has a lot of work to do repairing relationships that have suffered in the meantime.

The Deep & Dark Blue by Smith, Niki. Ages 8 to 12. Fantasy. One of 2 MCs is a trans girl, all characters appear to be Southeast Asian. A pair of twins flee after a political coup that puts their lives at risk. They decide to disguise themselves as Hanna and Grayce, two girls living in the Communion of the Blue, an order of weaving women who spin magic like wool. What one twin doesn’t know is that, for the other, being Grayce isn’t a disguise. This is a beautiful story about self-discovery, acceptance, and affirmation.

Drawing on Walls: A Story of Keith Haring by Burgess, Matthew and Josh Cochran (Illustrator). Ages 6 to 14. Biography. MC is a white gay man. This colorful picture-book biography traces the life and art of Keith Haring.

The Every Body Book: LGBTQ+ Inclusive Guide for Kids about Sex, Gender, Bodies, and Families by Simon, Rachel E. and Noah Grigni (Illustrator). Ages 8 to 12. Nonfiction/Health. Various identities and races included. Filled with self-affirming information, The Every Body Book uses inclusive language, illustrations, and facts to cover a number of important topics for young people including consent, relationships, gender, sex, puberty, and hormones.

King and the Dragonflies by Callender, Kacen. Ages 8 to 12. Realistic Fiction. MC is a gay black boy, his best friend is a gay white boy. King’s family–especially his father–have strong opinions about what it means to be a Black man, and they don’t allow for being gay. But King admires his friend Sandy for escaping an abusive home and living his truth no matter what. If King comes out, too, can his father learn to change?

Magic Fish by Nguyen, Trung Le. Ages 12 and up. Realistic Fiction/Fantasy. MC is a gay Vietnamese-American boy. A young Vietnamese-American boy literally can’t find the words to tell his parents that he’s gay, but cross-cultural fairytales help bridge the language barrier in this beautifully-illustrated graphic novel. 

My Maddy by Pitman, Gayle E. and Violet Tobacco (Illustrator). Ages 4-8. Realistic Fiction. MC’s parent is nonbinary, MC and her parent are white. My Maddy is a heartwarming story about a young girl and her parent. Readers learn that not all parents are boys or girls; some parents are just themselves. In this young girl’s case, that parent is her Maddy, a loving, caring parent who lives outside the gender binary.

My Rainbow by Neal, DeShanna, Trinity Neal, and Art Twink (Illustrator). Ages 4-8. Realistic Fiction. MC is an autistic black trans girl. Autistic trans girl Trinity wants to have long hair, but growing it out is too itchy! None of the wigs in the store are quite right, so Mom makes Trinity a special rainbow wig.

Our Subway Baby by Mercurio, Peter and Leo Espinosa (Illustrator). Ages 4 to 8. Adoption Non-fiction. MCs are white gay men, the baby they adopt is Black. Loving illustrations help tell the story of how an infant abandoned in a NYC subway station was adopted by the man who found him and his partner.

Snapdragon by Leyh, Kat. Snapdragon. Ages 10 to 14. Fantasy. Haven’t read this one yet, so I can’t comment on its representation. Snap gets to know the town witch and discovers that she may in fact have real magic and a secret connection to Snap’s family’s past.

And here are the Top Ten Books for Teen Readers:

All Boys Aren’t Blue: A Memoir-Manifesto by Johnson, George M. Ages 14 to 18. Memoir. Author/MC is a gay Black man. “Memoir-manifesto” is a well-chosen label for this book, which relates stories from the author’s childhood and young adulthood and contextualizes them within a queer Black experience. Although the author’s family is loving and supportive, pervasive heteronormativity, queerphobia, and anti-Black racism threaten his mental, emotional, and physical safety.

Camp by Rosen, L.C. Ages 14 and up. Realistic Fiction. MC and his love interest are gay Jewish boys. For Randy, going away to Camp Outland is a breath of fresh air, a time to be exactly who Randy can’t always be at school. But this year will be different. This year, Randy won’t be the flamboyant theater kid, this year Randy will be exactly the type of bro Hudson would want to date. Changing a thing or too will be necessary for Randy to succeed, even if that means leaving some friends behind.

Cemetery Boys by Thomas, Aiden. Ages 13 and up. Paranormal/Romance. MC is a trans Latino, his love interest is a gay Latino. Yadriel accidentally summons the wrong ghost in an attempt to prove himself a real brujo to his family who struggle to accept his gender identity. Though he thinks he is summoning the ghost of his cousin, he actually summons the ghost of Julian Diaz, and finds himself with not one, but two, mysterious deaths to investigate.

Circus Rose by Cornwell, Betsy. Ages 12 and up. Fantasy. One MC is white and one is mixed-race, one is a lesbian and one is questioning. Ivory and Rosie are twins and half-sisters, born to a bearded woman who refused to choose between her lovers, and raised in their mother’s circus. After a long foreign tour, they come home to find themselves under attack by religious zealots. As tragedy follows tragedy, will Ivory be able to save her circus family?

Elatsoe by Little Badger, Darcie  and Rovina Cai (Illustrator). Ages 12 and up. Mystery. MC is an aro/ace Lipan Apache girl. In this OwnVoices novel, Elatsoe is on a mission to discover who killed her beloved cousin, and why. If not for her cousin, then she is doing this for her people, the Indigenous Lipan Apache tribe. Elatsoe has the ability to raise ghosts from the dead, a tradition that has been passed down through generations. On this journey it will take vulnerability, wit, and the legends of her people for Elatsoe to understand all that is hidden in the small town of Willowbee.

I’ll Be the One by Lee, Lyla. Ages 13 and up. Realistic Fiction. MC is a bi Korean-American girl, her love interest is a bi Korean boy. Skye Shin dreams of becoming the world’s first plus-sized K-pop star, and a reality TV competition may just be her chance. To win, she’ll have to deal with fatphobic beauty standards, fierce competition, and intense media scrutiny–as well as unexpected attraction to one of her competitors.

Miss Meteor by Mejia, Tehlor Kay and Anna-Marie McLemore. Ages 14 and up. Magical Realism. (I haven’t read this one, but I think both MCs are WLW Latinas.) Lita is a star – literally. After falling to earth several years ago, she’s now living life as a teenage girl. When the annual Miss Meteor pageant rolls around, Lita decides to enter – but will her ex-best friend Chicky be willing to help her? Will the pageant help her forget about the past and imagine a new future? Lita learns that winning isn’t about being perfect, it’s about showing your true self to the world – even the parts that no one else understands.

You Should See Me in a Crown by Johnson, Leah. Ages 12 and up. Realistic Fiction. MC is a black WLW (woman-loving-woman). In this affectionate rom-com, Liz Lighty finds herself an unlikely candidate for prom queen at her affluent suburban school. Shy, awkward, Black, and low-income, Liz has never felt like she belonged, and she can’t wait to leave for her dream college. But when her scholarship falls through, it seems her last resort is to win prom queen, and the scholarship money that comes with it. Liz’s plan is complicated when new girl Mack decides to run for prom queen also…and ends up running away with Liz’s heart.

War Girls by Onyebuchi, Tochi.  Ages 12 and up. Science Fiction/Afro-Futurism. Both MCs are Nigerian, one is a WLW. In a not-so-distant future, climate change and nuclear disasters have made much of the earth unlivable. In the midst of war in Nigeria, two sisters, Onyii and Ify, are torn apart and face two very different futures. As their lives progress through years of untold violence and political unrest, battles with deadly mechs and cyborg soldiers outfitted with artificial limbs and organs, they are brought together again and again and must come to terms with how the war has impacted their lives.

When We Were Magic by Gailey, Sarah. Ages 14 and up. Contemporary Fantasy. MC is a white bi/questioning girl with gay dads, her friends are racially, ethnically, and queerily diverse. This firecracker of a novel follows a group of friends who attempt to correct the accidental murder of a classmate. When We Were Magic combines magic, friendship, and awkward moments to create a captivating story. Each character brings their own uniqueness to the strong group of friends, but despite their differences, their loyalty remains. Author Sarah Gailey has written another page turning novel, with the quirky strange content to boot.

#Rainbow Book List #LGBT literature #queer books #queer YA #queer children's books #Book Recommendations #we need diverse books

[asherlockstudy]

I got into gmm fandom this year and I love these 2 old men extremely, and I recently read your discussions about Link's psyche and the ear biscuits commentary and I totally relate to you. I couldn't find anything that you wrote about the competition eb#255. I'm very interested in your thoughts on this particular episode since your ideas on their psychology really fascinates me. Will you please share?

First of all, thank you for your kind words!

The truth is I certainly have an opinion on the competition episode but I was hesitant to post anything about it because I wasn’t sure whether that would push any boundaries. Since you asked, I am going to tell you, but I would like to stress to any MB who will read this that this theory / analysis works through a Rhink perspective or at least the perspective of an intense friendship, which I think their friendship is anyway, so you need to be in that mindset from the beginning. This is obviously my personal take on their conversation; the way the puzzle pieces fit inside my mind if you will. It can be as far from the truth as Rhink itself in general. Technically it can be read out of the Rhink lens but IMO it makes more sense this way, so I’m gonna tag this only as #rhink. 

Now let’s actually go to the topic in question. Rhett and Link are both competitive but in different ways and for different reasons and to different targets.

Rhett is naturally competitive. Or maybe not naturally per se, as I think this competitiveness was planted inside him by his father. His father expected him to be good at everything, an expectation that Rhett then internalized and simply never escaped from. His competitiveness might be maximized by feelings of insecurity and self-consciousness. If Rhett cares so much what people think of him, it’s only natural that he wants to ensure that people will think highly of him and that requires him to be good, look good and always perform well. The more Rhett loves and is loved by a person, he’s sooomewhat more relaxed in revealing his weaknesses. Rhett is always competitive but he’s less competitive with his close friends and family than with strangers. Rhett would take 100 defeats from Link than one from any other youtuber. And like he said, Rhett doesn’t mind losing to his sons because he wants them to do well and because, duh, they are McLaughlins and they are proof success still runs in HIS family.

Link is insecure too but handled it for the most part of his life in a completely different way. I have the impression that until 5-6 years ago Link had resigned and lived defeated inside his insecurity. His own insecurity stems from lack of self-worth, which probably stems from feelings of abandonness in his childhood. Let alone that if there’s any truth to the queer!Link theory, he also felt socially and religiously alienated from everyone around him, most importantly Rhett, and all this suffered in silence. This is why his insecurity is associated mostly with the people close to him and not strangers. Link doesn’t care much if random people think poorly of him which is why he’s not self-conscious and can talk to people. But Link is hurt a lot if a person he loves a lot doubts him or mocks him or simply doesn’t  regard him very highly. He has a primal fear of getting taken in, abandoned or betrayed. He’s grown to become a suspicious person, often entertaining the worse case scenario, fearing that a person he loves could actually not love or respect him back as sincerely. As an example, from everything they’ve said I have the impression Link adored Rhett when they were children. He looked up to him and Rhett was some sort of role model for him. Link didn’t have many other friends and certainly not others like Rhett and the rest of his time he spent mostly alone in his home. Meanwhile, Rhett had more variety in his life: he had other friends, including Ben whom he admired so much, hobbies and an obsession with girls. So it’s safe to assume that Link was more “there” for Rhett than Rhett was “there” for him, without that meaning IN ANY WAY that Rhett didn’t love him as much. But Link couldn’t know that - and when Rhett was busying himself with something else, his feelings of abandonness and lack of self-worth intensified.

I think Link never escaped from these feelings.There were some GMM episodes where Link has implied that he often feels Rhett takes him for granted and shouldn’t. In short, Link loathes that he feels uncertain in his friendship with Rhett whereas Rhett feels perfectly sure in it. This, especially at a point 4-5 years ago, when Link started changing stylistically and in the way he carried himself (we can only guess why), it was also the time Link’s efforts to fight that feeling of defeat especially around Rhett reached their peak.

I trust Rhett’s input in this. I don’t doubt Rhett senses competitiveness coming from Link’s side. What Rhett might not understand is that Link is not globally competitive but mostly towards certain people, including him, first and foremost.  Things such as vanity, overt enthusiasm when winning, “OOOOH HA-HA-HA-HA” when Rhett got insulted, “I prefer time with my wife”, “I can’t be always there for you”, “I have other friends beside you Rhett” are some random examples of this overcompensation that is the unconventional competitiveness Link feels against Rhett. “Against” is a strong word though because I believe Link doesn’t do any of this to bring Rhett down but rather to go up and be on the same level as him. NOTE: I don’t believe Link is in any way lower, I believe Link fears this is the case. Link dreams of an entirely equal and balanced relationship between them, not because it isn’t so, but because he has invested so much in Rhett that he constantly fears everything he can lose. He wants Rhett to look up to him, to admire him so that he can keep him, and moreover keep him eternally interested and intrigued. In short, he wants Rhett to feel the way he feels about him and he thinks this cannot be as long as Rhett takes him for granted or doesn’t take his skills, mind, virtues and looks seriously. Furthermore, his tendencies to take most of the control in their job and be a perfectionist could also be connected to all that and increase his anxiety associated with the stability of their job.

The problem is that Rhett perhaps doesn’t understand the motive behind Link’s behaviour and interprets it as plain old competitiveness. He’s however, as I felt in the podcast, troubled by it being targeted to him. A remark like “I have other good friends too” is something that makes Link feel more independent from Rhett but Rhett could occasionally get hurt and think “Okay but why does he have to say this to me?”.

This unavoidably is channeled in their business too. A duo of internet celebrities? That’s like the recipe of guaranteed failure! Even non-competitive people have destroyed their businesses and friendships this way. What Rhett and Link have managed so far is world record. Part of their success is how open they are to each other about how they feel. In fact, it was very healthy of Rhett to confess openly that he has some level of “mild envy” about Link doing well in various aspects of the show. This means that Rhett sat down when he experienced these feelings, had a talk with himself and reached the conclusion that he was very happy Link was doing well. He just felt he had to push himself to be as good - not better -  so that he would not feel bad about himself contributing in this show, in this business. And in short, Rhett feels he need to compete with Link in being as likable to the viewers. I consider this totally understandable.

Link was reluctant to speak openly throughout the whole episode. And that was because his answer was not that easy. From everything he said, I was positively surprised that it seemed Link has it all laid out very clearly in his mind - how he acts and why. He just wasn’t willing to explain, particularly in public. This becomes clear towards the end of the podcast - when Rhett is essentially about to lose his mind because Link denies everything, Link starts to say something only to stop and decide he shouldn’t do it eventually. More importantly, Link adds in the end that Rhett made the big mistake to base his understanding of Link’s competitiveness in minor conventional things such as games and job performance. Link said that Rhett was stripping their relationship off of way too many parameters that he wasn’t taking into consideration to reach a valid conclusion. So indeed Link’s competitiveness is a very personal topic with deep roots and IS connected mostly (if not exclusively) to his relationship with Rhett. Link doesn’t want to be better than Rhett either - he wants to be as good as Rhett and be liked by the viewers. Not for the viewers’ sake but in order to rub it in Rhett’s face later. Again, he doesn’t want to hurt Rhett - this is likely a desire for guaranteed continuous attention from Rhett, whatever it takes.

Furthermore, Link always makes sure to draw attention from the audience as much as Rhett, if not more, (which could be fundamentally what Rhett interprets as competitiveness and doesn’t know how to regulate) which is Link’s way to ensure he’s not taken for Rhett’s sidekick (in his own words) by either the viewers or Rhett himself, because inside Link’s full of concerns mind this hits a little too close to home.

Now, if there’s any truth to Rhink, intensify this by 10x.

#rhink #anon #ask #mail #mythical

[thefiveavengers]

jester and sexuality/romantic inclinations

so, this is my last day of summer break (actually the day before last, but tomorow is monday) and I decided to put into words what my thoughts about this dicey, dicey subject are. First, these are solely my opinons based on 1) watching the second campaign, 2)watching talks machina and the meta knowledge that comes with that and 3) assuming the players are playing in good faith and are open minded to organic changes that might come to their characters along the way.

and second, I do have my biases, and I come from the following inclinations: I ship lavorregard, and I don’t believe Jester is straight.

That said let’s begin. I’ve written a far amount about the lavorregard ship, but mostly focused on Beau’s feelings and her perspective. Right before the ep that Beau reveals the crush to Nott I wrote the following: “ If I were to put a chronology on Beau’s feelings for Jester it would go something like that: 1)“This girl is cute and somehow I like her way more than I usually like, well, anybody” 2) “This girl is cute and we are… friends???” 3) “This girl is cute, we are friends and I love her” 4) “We are friends, I love her AND I think she is hot” 5) “This girl is hot, I love her and maybe I love her as more than friends?”

But last ep I think it shifted to, “I’m definetely into Jester as more than friends and she’s never been hotter AND I think I’m getting to a point where I’m ready to actually process my feelings regarding that and be open about it.”

And lo and behold, the very next ep we saw Beau actually processing her feelings when talking to Nott. But what about Jester?  

         I’ve seen some people express the idea that “wouldn’t it be galaxy brain if all three cr ladies had independently decided when creating their characters that they are lesbians?” and honestly, while a cute thought, I don’t think that’s what’s happening. In my opinion what happened was, Marisha created Beau as a lesbian and she made sure to make that clear as possible from the get go, and one of the reasons I think she did that is because she entered the campaign looking to avoid a pc/pc romance, since the one she was in in cr1 took such a toll on her. She probably figured it would be a safe bet, playing a lesbian she would shield herself from the male characters and most likely the other female characters would not be interested in Beau, right?

      Enter Ashley Johnson. Honestly I don’t think Ashley had such a clear idea that Yasha was (or is) a lesbian. She had a wife, and from what has been said in canon Zualla was her only romantic and sexual relationship. Now, from what we’ve seen Yasha hasn’t expressed any interest in men, but to be fair she hasn’t really expressed interest in much anybody. She called Jester adorable in the very first ep and she seems to be fond of Beau’s flirtations even if not directly responding to them. The conversation where Yasha has said that she has “seen {Beau} a lot” coupled with one of the songs in Yasha’s playlist has me convinced that Yasha has some kind of feelings for Beau, even if is just a small crush. And I say this as someone who doesnt ship Beau/Yasha. I don’t think they would make a good match, but that doesn’t mean I’d deny either of them having interest in the other. But that doesn’t mean Yasha is for sure a lesbian who would never engage with a men ever. She seems pretty adamant on not having any romantic connections, so its hard to gauge really where her interests lie. She is for sure though a wlw. 

      Now, when it comes to Jester and Laura Bailey that’s when things get complicated. I would assume that most of us that have considered the possibility of Jester not being straight have read the excellent essay on comphet by tumblr user fuzzy-face ( https://fuzzy-face.tumblr.com/post/185001577009/you-make-your-own-fairytale-jester-comphet ), so I’m not gonna rehash what she’s said already. While I do agree almost wholeheartedly with this post, I’ll say this, I don’t think Laura Bailey when creating Jester set out to tell a story of a wlw learning how to overcome comphet. But (BUT!,!) I also don’t think her idea was Jester is totally straight and that’s that! I think she created Jester as a sexually and romantically inexperienced young woman that almost immediately got a crush on Fjord because, among other reasons, he reminded her of a hero from her smut books. 

       Recently, with the new upload of talks to the CR youtube channel, I rewatched this talks: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZqJzNj_1tI , which is about the ep a Hole in the Plan, deep into the pirate arc, but before the first big Beau/Jester moment, the conversation they had in the boat on ep 46. First I must express my annoyance  at the fact that Laura and Marisha are the guests and yet at least 80% of the questions are about Fjord. I know it was in his arc, but COME ON! Also I was very surprised by how open they are talking about Fjord/Jester as if it were a done deal alaready. When anyone involved in Talks claim that they don’t do shipping questions, you should show them this ep because it is all about shipping questions. Anyways, Laura clearly states that Jester has a crush on Fjord (at the time at least) and she compares it to a super intense high school crush. So to me there is no refuting the fact that at least at some point Jester had a crush on Fjord. 

    What I do find it interesting is when you compare her answers in that talks to what she said in the most recent talks she’s participated  ( https://youtu.be/_NmZ2b_Q3So ) which seem to at least indicate that Jester has, on a level or another, moved on from said crush. It’s also, the now infamous moment where Laura talks about Jester’s crush...es. We’ll get back to that.

     That’s all good and dandy, but this is meta outside the game. Let’s go analyze actual in-game developments. As far as I can remember (and I’m not an expert in Fjord/Jester, so I might be forgetting something) these are the moments Jester spoke directly or inderectly about her crush on Fjord; when Caleb point blank asked her if she was sweet on him (to which she answered “I don’t know” and let’s keep that in mind); when she talked to nott about first kisses and the best thing she can say about it is that it didnt make her feel dead, and to me the most significant moment; when she asks the traveler  how to make a boy like her. Now, I’ve seen some people band about this as irrefutable proof that Jester IS straight, otherwise she wouldnt be asking the traveler advice about boys, but in this case she wasn’t talking about boys in general, she was talking about ONE boy and that was Fjord. 

      And that’s the crux of the matter isn’t it? Jester has demonstrated sexual/romantic interest in one man and one man alone, and that’s fjord. That does not mean she is straight. It doesn’t even mean that she, if a wlw, is bi. Her crush on Fjord has been wrapped around in all these expectations and I think its hard to parse how much was just projecting, among other things, the romance her parents had. Also, let me comment on how all these developments were long ago, during the pirate arc, over one year ago in real time.

     Jester has commented about Fjord’s appearance and Caleb’s and even pointed out to Reani that hot boi Essek was hot, but its all done very matter-of-factly. And if we are going to talk about Jester commenting on people’s apperances we have to acknowledge how Jester cannot SHUT UP about how she finds women beautiful. From Beau to Nott, from Reani to random shop girl in Uthodurn and her obssession with the Bright Queen in particular its all very in your face. Once someone wanted to argue with me that this is just how straight girls air their insecurities, and even if that’s true and not just misogyny, the only time Jester commented on a woman’s apperance with any kind of insecure note was one time when she compared herself to her mother.  

     Look, the thing is, if we take at face value every comment Jester has made about Fjord’s looks and strenght, we also have to take at face value how distraught she looked and sounded facing the idea that Beau’s new vestiments wouldn’t let her abs show. Is it funny? Yes, but it’s funny for the idea that Jester is very appreciative of Beau’s abs, which, I’m still waiting for the straight explanation if anyone if willing to give me. 

     To end, this goddamned book that I’ve started, the thing that gives me the most certainty that Jester is not straight and that a Beau/Jester romance is not only possible but likely is that I do not believe Laura Bailey is cruel. If she had no interest in exploring the possibility of a not-straight Jester and a B/J romance she wouldn’t been doing what she has been doing for awhile now.

     And what do I mean about that? I mean that even before Beau’s confession there’s been a different dynamic to their relationship. I already mentioned the “but can I see her abs????” incident, but also her encouragement about beau’s qualities and abilities (beau, you’re super strong), using the traveler as a proxy to her feelings (the traveler thinks you’ll do great, the traveler thinks you’re awesome, the traveler loves you), waiting to hold beau when she went up a column and showing disapointment when she didnt fell into her arms, listening to Beau regarding her wanting to confront her dad, being super, and I mean SUPER bummed out when Beau and Reani kissed and took a walk. And after the confession things ramped up.

   Like, that was Laura Bailey listening to the conversation between Nott and Beau, not Jester. She could have had continued to play out their friendship as usual, but that’s not what she did. She used this opportunity to play the romantic possibility as never before. Making sure that Jester shielded Beau’s body in combat, being VERY specific that when her double cured her, she leaned over her body and put her hands to her face and even contradicting Matt, pointing out that when she woke up, it wasn’t the laughing hand that she first saw, but Jester’s face. And then there’s ep 89, the juiciest lavorregard ep since ep 46. It’s romantic comedy set up, one character confesses their love to a third one, and the one character who is the target of that love starts a conversation with “Are you avoiding me? Because I think I know why.” That’s a romantic trope ladies and gents, and Laura Bailey the genius she is played it to perfection. Not being sure why she was so upset about not curing Beau (a sentiment that battle mercy Jester has never expressed before). Wanting to punish Beau’s dad for not treating her right, getting to an agreement after arguing about tarot and molly. Afterwards engaging Fjord in an activity that she usually associates with beau, that goes disastrously and thanks to the dice gods, I could see, in real time the comphet melting away.

And concluding with the fact that she bet 20 extra gold on Beau on the down low.

So coming back to the idea of Jester having crush...es, to me is very clear those crushes are, the one she has/had on Fjord and her new emerging one on Beau. do I think Jester herself is aware of these feelings? Not really, but Laura sure is.

     look this is not about being entitled or acusing anyone of queerbaiting if my ship doesnt pan out. its just, you know, laura’s sister is a lesbian, and I do think that gives people some perspective that they might not have, and I genuinely don’t think she would be playing things as she is, if she didn’t have any interest in playing out to the end.

#critical role #jester #jester lavorre #beaujester #lavorregard #this got super long and took me a few hours #but anyways these are most of my feelings regarding queer jester

[commandermardukas]

My unsugarcoated thoughts on Saezuru 36

**These are my raw and unsugarcoated thoughts on a chapter that breaks my heart. **

He obviously switched tastes and now likes men who are big and quiet and shy and blushy and that is now his definition of cute. In other words “Doumeki”.

And then the narration confirmed that “time flew by since that day”… But well I am still on THAT day. Apologies to the narrative voice but just like our main characters, I, a reader, (an outsider to all of this but very much invested nonetheless) am still very much stuck to that day thank you very much. If me an outsider is like this, what more that’d be for Yashiro and Doumeki. They must be frozen, petrified and stuck soooo deep on that day.  

Nanahara is a nanny, a mommy and a very good aniki to have stayed beside Yashiro through everything. Very loyal. Yashiro could be in an even worse state without him there.

Sugimoto is a Uni graduate. I am very interested and wouldn’t mind to have a Sugimoto spin off / backstory please.  

A former Matsubara guy who was an old fuck buddy. Same era as Ryuuzaki? Is the dude going to play a big role in the next chapters?

And is he being shown as an example of someone who got out of the organization but as described he is still in that kind of line of business. Shady and sketchy still. Not really got out and go on a clean living of a normal dutiful citizen.

Is this a reminder of how Yashiro described being in that world is: “It sucks you in like a famous prostitute”

Misumi is a hot daddy and I’m sure I’d be happy to read a spin off featuring his adventures with his sugar babies(?). Buuuut I am not happy with what happened in his talk with Yashiro. I am unhappy that he doesn’t want to let go of Yashiro and continue to hold him and claim him as his possesion and wants him to go fully back in their organization.  I am not happy (but who cares if I’m happy or not, art is not democracy and my vote doesn’t count). But maybe he got his own reasonable touching loving reasons. Who knows… even Amou probably doesn’t clearly know.

Yashiro staying or leaving is always related to his love. He says he doesn’t know love but he feels it oh sooo deeply and intensely. Chapter 1 shows us the same scene of Misumi wooing Yashiro to his side.

But Yashiro then doesn’t want to move his ass, doesn’t want to leave that place because there is someone he doesn’t want to leave. He wants to hold on and stay with Kageyama.

Jump to chapter 36 and we have the same exact scene. Misumi wooing him back to his side but Yashiro again doesn’t want to move. This time it’s the opposite. He doesn’t want to go back to that place. He doesn’t want to stay in one place. He wants to leave. Why though? Is it because he and Kageyama already had their closure and his long time unrequited love for him ended? There’s no more reason to stay there. And it could also be because Doumeki is there.. his new love or that someone he has conflicted complicated feelings with. And he doesn’t want to have something holding him back again. He is afraid. He wants to leave as he avoids this time the person he loves. And this is the perfect term.. running away.

He doesn’t want to be owned again by Misumi ever since chapter 1. He has been dodging him for 4 years already. The old man is persistent with this courtship. 

And then the time skip is reiterated again this time by Misumi’s voice and this time with an exact number. 4 years. 4 &$@^!*%@&× years. I have not yet moved on. I am still not over the “acceptance with grace” stage. I will maybe in time (give me 4 years too maybe?)

“You’ve worked yourself tirelessly in these past 4 years. Isn’t it high time you returned? Word on the street is that you’ve amassed yourself a ton of really dirty money” and Yashiro answered “Not to worry. I’ve laundered it as capital to a legit business so it can’t be traced.”

Let’s go back to chapter 2 Yashiro said “But to get out you’ll have to work a bit harder”

So is this why Yashiro worked tirelessly? He worked hard. He wants to get out. He wants to try legit. Our dear bird is trying. Let him fly out Misumi. For fuck’s sake he is 40 now.. Life begins at 40 so they say. For once.. Let him live a life he wants.

When Misumi still insisted, that’s when Yashiro smiled and changed into a provoking topic.. 

with Yashiro’s personality.. was he mad at Misumi’s insistence and dismissal of what Yashiro is trying to say that he wants to go being civilian.

His adamant face. His refusal to answer.

His laugh. And his sad smile.

Again I am not happy with Misumi’s slaps and “strip”, declaration of possesion and violent outburst in general (but again who cares about my vote and I’m just really bias and protective of this lost bird Yashiro). But Yashiro likes that violent streak. Or does he genuinely still?

Aaaand Amou. Amou. Amou. Amou. I’d like to pierce through that poker face. But well this little thought bubble is a little crack.

Amou has his own opinions. Amou has his own motives. Amou has his own possessiveness. Amou has his own jealousy perhaps. But Amou is not a bad person. What kind of love he has for Misumi I wish I know. What is his motive with Yashiro I also wish to know. But there is something in me that believes he is not wanting anything bad for Yashiro or Doumeki. I believe he is not a bad person.

I think car interiors are a good place to think about things. Love.. life..  secrets.. regrets.. 

“Even if it’s very unlikely, I won’t forgive him”… who is “him”? - Yashiro who will not return.. or Doumeki who opened Yashiro’s heart and made him think that he wants to strive for a different path.

Yashiro likes to think about love and life inside cars. Go back to chapter 4 and pensive Yashiro is thinking about Kageyama.

Jump to chapter 36 and pensive Yashiro is thinking about Doumeki (at least that’s my interpretation)

That eye can no longer see anything. And the last image burned into those eyes are maybe of Doumeki saving him, Doumeki getting hurt and almost died, and Doumeki at the hospital.

“The things I already gave up on at that time are still left here in this world.” This sounded so sad.. I read this and felt that he was left with his life which he was already throwing away that time and also with “feelings” that he wants to deny. He was left suffering with both.

And we have this… this is the page I almost did not want to see.

Why… Why Inami of all people.

My raw and unorganized thought on this is: So Inami is like Bran Stark and think of Yashiro’s ass as the throne. He became the king of Yashiro’s ass for these f******* 4 years. While Doumeki is the Jon Snow getting exiled outside the wall after all he’s done to protect/claim that ass throne and almost getting killed by helping to put down the undead king Hirata. All he got at the end are more scars and he became a living dead and became the very good boy to Tsunakawa. (This is probably my most unsugarcoated words in this. Sorry not sorry but I get really emotional - emotionally very angry - with the sight of Inami and what he do to Yashiro. Feasting on Yashiro being at his beck and call with his power on information and being the person who can exhaust Yashiro)

Give me Tsunakawa spin off I’d love it. And some background story too of his association/friendship with Amou.

And I’d love to see the years Doumeki spent with him if an honor and privilege will be given to see a flashback and have knowledge of that time that was skipped. So did Doumeki’s additional scars come from saving the kidnapped kid? A heroic… or suicidal deed? How many fingers does he still have? Was an additional finger cut off because the kid got kidnapped on his watch or at least he was one of the bodyguards? And he rushed head on (literally) to save the kid?

Doumeki grew old but doesn’t look like he grew up in life in a positive way. He is not the same baby bird Doumeki. He is not the cute Doumeki anymore. (And that makes me really sad. Maybe someday when it’s just the 2 of them he’ll have moments where he goes to being cute Doumeki again.. someday.. I hope so) But right now, this is a Doumeki whose life was sucked out of him, a man living in guilt perhaps (what with Nanahara’s words to him in the hospital rooftop), a living dead, a despairing man, a lost bird with no light to follow.

Kageyama once told Doumeki about Yashiro’s self destructive nature and that he feels like for Yashiro time stopped in his teens. Kage is right, and until now things are like that. And as for Doumeki he is back to being an empty shell. And them taking that downward plunge really broke my heart.

#saezuru tori wa habatakanai #saezuru thoughts #this is long coz it broke my heart

[imagineclaireandjamie]

What about a teenage modern au where Claire gets hired as a tutor for Jamie because we know from some of Jamie's stories that he didn't really like school when he was young.

This is a little bit of an abstract take on this prompt but since it’s 100 years in Britain since women achieved the right to vote (in some capacity) I thought I’d pen something with some baring on the strong actions of those women involved in the suffragette movement. Here’s to them, may we be ever grateful for their stance and politics  MBD

Deeds Not Words: Part 1 -

Introduction: 1905: The Past:

The coach rattled -the ancient cobbles beneath the Edinburgh streets shaking the wooden carriage as they forged ever onwards. Dim shafts of light penetrated through the curtains and the sides of the car, the beams throwing deep orange shadows across the paneled floor as Claire watched, her hands wound tightly together.

“I just have to pick up some papers, and then we’ll be onwards to Glasgow, my girl.” Lamb said kindly, his hand hovering over her tightly linked ones (her pale skin encased in the rough lace of the gloves her mother had worn at a similar age - in a completely different scenario) as if to offer some comfort. As much as he felt able to give.

Another move.

Another upheaval. But at least Claire felt like some weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

Decisions had been made. Choices that she hadn’t been privy to because she was too young to effectively understand what was being asked of her -or offered *to* her, as she had been righteously told later.

But, as young as she was, she was still intelligent. Smart enough to tutor the lairds youngest surviving son when he was struggling to comprehend his own studies. But it wasn’t him she was promised to. No, he had just been her educational charge. Instead, Claire had been unwittingly betrothed to another.

But hearts don’t necessarily beat the way others require, and Claire had spent much of her young life nurturing the wrong Fraser brother…and subsequently falling for his natural charm - despite their five year age gap.

Neither had done anything. Though it was clear that, as Jamie grew older, their dual infatuation increased.

Their lessons became longer as Claire and Jamie talked long into the night, increasing their bond with one another, and deepening the worries of her uncle (though Brian Fraser exercised his patriarchal role with added humour, using every opportunity to chuckle at Lambs worried glances).

‘He’s just a lad, Claire…’

The words rang in her ears as the distinct bray of the horses in the stables nearby pierced the air, pulling Claire from her memories.

‘…we haven’t done anything wrong.’ She had begged when Lamb had announced their move, knowing from the sad glint in his eyes that he meant to take her away from temptation. ‘Why can’t we just stay…here?’

She should have married William, the elder of the boys. She should have learned faster what had been bequeathed to her and been smarter about concealing her true feelings. But she had a glass face and nothing she could and would say to uncle Lamb would stop him from uprooting their simple lives and moving them to a place where she couldn’t disappoint him with her poor life choices.

‘It simply isn’t done, Claire, I’m sorry,’ he had said softly, ‘it’s my choice, as your guardian, and I cannot allow it.’

“Yes, uncle.” She replied, answering both to their present conversation (and one buried in the past), finally, her voice low and calm though she felt far from it. “I’m sure wherever we’re going it will be ...suitable.”

– — –

1909 - 4 years later: The Present:

Sneaking across the top level of their apartments, Claire slid her fingers beneath the loose floorboard in order to pry the wood from its temporary holding.

Time had been good for her in some respects, she had grown more independent, the scent of the city fueling her ever increasing desire to be wild and free. Lamb had despaired of her, cutting the chord, metaphorically, as Claire proved too hard to pin down - matrimony and a quiet life as a wife and mother seemed beyond her and an ever increasing part of him understood that.

‘You’re a bachelor!’ She had often complained, her protestations growing less timid as she aged. ‘Why do you get to live as you want, yet I have to marry whomever you choose for me?’

Lamb couldn’t accurately answer her question. He simply shrugged his shoulders with a withering glance and repeated the oft spoken words - ‘…it is simply what is done, my dear.’

Only it wasn’t what Claire thought should be done, she mused as she pulled the dusty broadsheet from its hiding place beneath the boards of the attic.

The headline was clear, though small and not the title for the paper for which it had been penned. But it was there nonetheless. Women’s liberation movements had been increasing in popularity. Manchester in 1905, the year which she’d been coaxed from the only home she’d known and away to the city, had produced a society of women who were not in favour of the maniacal rule they’d been placed under by their superiors. The WSPU had spoken and Claire’s heart beat with intense pride as she re-read the words that had emboldened her and continued to do so.

No longer did she wish to languish beneath men. Emmeline Pankhurst had risen as a shining example to her and she would no longer hide away, arguing her point over and over as Lamb continued to placate her.

Using her position as a tutor to some of the more well off local children, Claire had met Geillis Duncan the year previous. Along with Gellie, Glenna Fitzgibbons and Laoghaire Mackenzie and a few other intelligent women in the area, Claire had begun to show her support for the Glasgow branch of the WSPU. Their meetings were mostly conducted quietly, the cloak and dagger operation instilled to protect their powerful and subversive opinions. Glenna and Geillis were married, both powerful men who agreed and helped to assist their wives in their views. Herself and Laoghaire were both still alone, their position in the local community making them eager talking points for the men who still thought it laughable that two pretty young things were still unwed and childless.

None of her companions knew about Jamie Fraser.

Unwrapping the newsprint, Claire pulled the sgian dubh from its tight concealment. Rubbing the fading font, she held it closely to her chest. The Fraser crest was still visible, the engraving carved deep into the ornate metal as the heat of her fingers warmed it up. It was the only thing she had left to remember him by and the joy of having it close to her with the words of Pankhurst keeping it safely hidden from view solidified her opinion that if she couldn’t have Jamie, she wouldn’t have anyone at all.

It was a childish notion, but one she was invested in nonetheless. 

The image of him was fuzzy now, the years tainting their friendship but she could still remember the sea-blue tint of his eyes as he watched her read aloud to him in Latin. They had never crossed the boundaries with one another, him being too young factoring in that decision - but their warmth towards one another was obvious to see. Had she only been a few years younger and there would have been no quibbling over their relationship, but she was too old to be hovering around a teenager; no matter how mature Jamie was for his age.

Sighing, Claire stashed the blade back where she found it and grabbed for a small satchel that she’d hidden a little lower down. It contained as many fliers as she could stuff in there, enough to coat many of the Glaswegian streets in the WSPU’s very vocal propaganda. Steeling herself, she wrapped her shawl around her shoulders and snuck downstairs.

Lamb was still sleeping, she could hear his light snores filtering underneath the door. Claire knew that he had an early coach to catch to the coast for his latest business trip to a small freeholding in Ireland. He wouldn’t be away long, but it was long enough that Claire didn’t need to worry about him checking on her before he left.

“Come on, Claire!” Geillis hissed as Claire slunk from the house and trudged the small distance from her residence to where Gellie was hiding.

Pulling her hat down lower over her ears, Claire tutted, rolling her eyes at her partner in crime. “Just give it a rest would you, Geillis. You know I’d never leave you here loitering in this alleyway like a reprobate. I just had to make sure I didn’t wake the whole house as I left, aye?”

Being English, the basic Scots variants that she had picked up over the years still sounded foreign on her tongue -though she had long since given in to trying to tamper them. Geillie, however, with her broad Glaswegian accent always tisked at Claire’s attempts at fitting in and her eyes shone with mirth at Claire’s use of the word ‘aye’ instead of a simple ‘yes’.

“The others will be waiting for us, lass,” she said instead, choosing to ignore the colloquial term and move on with their plans for the evening, “do ye have the posters?”

“Of course.” She muttered, flashing the pile that were stowed safely away in her large leather satchel. “That was my one job.”

Taking Claire by the hand, Geillie tugged them back out into the streets and they set off, quickly, in search of the rest of the party.

Rain had coated the cobbles and both women struggled not to lose their footing as they scrambled from one end of the city to the other. All candles had been extinguished in the windows and the streets were devoid of life. Most of the city was still asleep, not even the early risers had begun to wake yet. As quietly as they were able, Geillis and Claire slipped further into the heart of Glasgow, their excitement palpable as they got closer and closer to their intended destination.

“Did ye hear?” Laoghaire mumbled, her words shaky and light as she reached out and grabbed for Claire and Geillis as they approached the small group of gathered women that had congregated in Glenna’s living room.

“Heard what?” Geillis asked, looking from Claire to Laoghaire.

“Ye ken they’ve been making arrests now - they say we’re breaching the peace or some such nonsense.” Laoghaire griped obviously frustrated at the state of their current situation.

“Aye, I ken, get on wi’ it lass.” Geillie said, prodding her playfully in the side as Claire scratched her head thoughtfully.

“Weel, a lassie went on hunger strike the other day, the news is all over the place. They set her free! The police dinna want deid lassies on their hands, aye? So they set her free to recover. She was ailing quite badly they say but she refused to give in and eat.”

Claire’s heart beat double time in her chest as she listened, a hum of approval floating through their congregation. The small loophole in the law had allowed the woman, one Marion Wallace Dunlop, to be released on grounds of ill-health - meaning the county holding her wouldn’t be responsible for her death should she perish from her ordeal. As luck would have it, she was on the mend (so Glenna said, with a joyful spring in her step as she passed out the sashes to the gathered women) and had been talking about her successful ‘escape’ from incarceration to as many people as possible.

“Would ye do it, Claire?” Laoghaire asked excitedly as she pulled the painted ribbon over her petite head and allowed it to rest neatly on her shoulders. “If ye were arrested, would ye no’ eat to further the cause?”

“Of course!” Claire answered truthfully. “I haven’t come this far, Laoghaire to let them lock me up. I’d do whatever I had to. Truly.”

“Me too,” she returned, eager to show her own willing, “there’s no going back now.”

“No,” Claire whispered, collecting her small bag from the ground now it had been almost emptied of leaflets, “there definitely is not.”

It was a few more hours before the women picked up their leaflets and placards and went on their way. The sun had still to rise and the streets were only now just starting to fill with early risers on the way to the factories. It was that distinct bustle that rallied the troup, their eager hands tightening around the wooden spears that held their banners in place. The wood bit into Claire’s hands as she followed directly behind Gellie and out onto the busying cobbles.

With her head held high, Claire scowled meaningfully at a group of passing men who looked enraged by their clear message. Unwilling to stop, she narrowed her eyes, her fingers twitching as if she was restraining herself but the heat of the blood in her veins made the reasonable side of her cower and she stamped her feet with more vigor as she turned on her heel and marched through the growing crowd, back to the men who’d given her such a filthy look.

“What’s the matter?!” She spat, her cheeks red with anger as she squared up to the two broad men, her eyes alight with fire as she confronted them. “Do our views upset your civil liberties, gentlemen?” She continued, hissing the word ‘gentlemen’ at them like it was a dirty word.

“Come on…” she goaded when they refused to speak but maintained eye contact with her. “You are bold enough to scorn me with your impolite gaze, but you cannot speak for yourselves?”

“Claire!” Geillis whispered, suddenly appearing behind her friend as she took Claire by the arm and attempted to pull her away. “Come wi’ me now, lass. It isna worth it.”

“I’d listen to your friend…if I were you.” The taller of the two men spoke, finally, his blunt, pretentious English accent piercing the quiet morning air as he cockily quirked his brow at her - his dismissive attitude causing Claire to grit her teeth - her anger only rising by his arrogance.

“You…” she belted out, her voice echoing, the wisps of it hovering in the air long after she had begun her fatal statement.

“Claire no!” Geillis and Laoghaire chorused together - but too late.

“…utter arse.” Claire finishing, dropping her sign and slapping the man before she could even take stock of her actions.

Her palm throbbed as it connected with his cheek, the weight of her actions solidifying like lead in her belly the moment the fog cleared and clarity resumed. Claire’s mouth fell open in shock as she took one shaky step backwards as if she were about to make a run for it.

Geillie saw the decision in her movements and took hold of Laoghaire’s arm whilst still keeping hold of the arm that lay limp by Claire’s side.

But the second man, the one who had remained brash but silent, was upon Claire before she had chance to follow Geillis’s instructions. Gripping her wrist tightly, he pulled her to him - yanking her from Gellie’s grip as the other women loitered with fear in their eyes.

“You are going to regret that, madam,” he said, a strange aura of calm surrounding him as he flexed his fingers as if to perpetuate his worrying message.

“U-unhand me.” Claire balked, her tone belying her concern as she made one feeble attempt to pull herself from his grasp. With Lamb about to leave the country, Claire panicked. Any trouble that these men were likely to get her into would either derail his important business or render her isolated and alone at the mercy of the penal system. Cursing internally, she held her breath as her mind worked overload, trying to comprehend how much bother she might be in.

By the look on his face, a lot, she thought, swallowing around the massive lump that had suddenly appeared in her throat.

She wanted to be sick, but she wouldn’t show any weakness. Even now.

Chuckling under his breath, her captor allowed a careful smile to tug at the corners of his mouth. It was not a pleasant smile, nor was it a humorous laugh and Claire’s nervousness intensified.

“Allow me to introduce myself,” he began with no hint of niceness in his tone. His words were ice cold and it sent shivers along Claire’s spine. “I am Captain Jonathan Randall. And you are under arrest.”

–

The steady sound of dripping water kept Claire lucid enough as she sat on the small cot. It was the only piece of furniture in the draughty cell keeping her from the damp, soiled floor. In only a few moments the local bobbies had appeared, the captain’s friend having signalled them from a few streets beyond. Geillis had tried to reason with the police men but to no avail. Claire had been cuffed and walked across the city to the jail where she had been stripped of her jacket, shoes and socks and placed in her current location.

The likelihood of Lamb still being close enough for them to contact was slim and Claire had to bite her lip to keep the tears at bay.

Without a guardian to sign her release, she would be left here to rot and there was no telling how long her uncle would be out of contact.

Randall hadn’t said another word to her but he had accompanied them all back to the station, encouraging his companion to make a full statement and ensuring Claire was treated appropriately. Her breach of the peace and ‘physical assault’ had already made the rounds in the streets and there was nothing that Glenna (once she had been caught up on the events) could do to override the decision. Captain Randall had too much sway.

“Miss,” the elderly desk clerk mumbled through the door after he’d finished banging to wake her up, “your uncle is no longer in residence in Glasgow. The captain said I should tell you to prepare yourself for a long stay.”

The feeling of hopelessness wrapped around her as she pulled her legs up to her chest. She had spent the whole day locked away. She had been fed, but the story Laoghaire had told them at dawn had struck a chord, though she hadn’t expected to be able to test the theory so soon after being made aware of its significance. With that in mind, Claire had let her small portion of stew go cold and her stomach rumbled audibly at the memory of it.

As the key clinked in the lock, Claire’s head snapped up as the door squealed on its hinges.

“It seems like you have a guardian angel, mistress Beauchamp,” the same elderly clerk muttered as if irked by the fact, “you are free to go.” He said, sweeping his hand in front of him in a sarcastic motion that would have frustrated Claire had she not been overwhelmed by her sudden freedom.

Back at the front of the station she was handed her belongings and given a small amount of time to put her shoes back on before being escorted out and onto the steps of the police station.

“A word of advice,” the police man who’d helped to sign her release papers said behind her, his stoic gaze causing her to bite her tongue as he continued, “dinna get on the wrong side of the Randall brothers, mistress.”

“Was the other man…?”

“The captains brother, oh aye, lass. A powerful man as well. Yer just lucky your gentleman friend,” he said, pointing to a small carriage that was waiting patiently close to the station, “had a smart enough argument to aid yer release.”

“Thank you.” She replied nodding once and walking down the few steps towards her transportation.

Opening the door with some trepidation, Claire’s heart almost lept into her mouth as she half expected uncle Lamb to appear, a disappointed look on his face as he tisked and helped her into the carriage. But instead a flash of auburn caught her eye, the lose curls making her breath catch in her throat as Jamie Fraser turned to meet her eye.

“Ye appear to have gotten yerself into a wee bit of a swivet have ye no’?” He asked sedately offering out his hand to help her into the compartment as his carriageman closed the door and readied himself to pull away from the curb.

“What are you doing here?” She whispered, sitting still as the carriaged moved off, a slight waver in her voice.

“I came for ye,” he said honestly, “if ye’ll have me, mistress Beauchamp?”

#;Mod MBD #Deeds Not Words AU #SuffragetteClaire

[hedaswarrior]

Erin, so apparently the first 4 episodes of T100 went out to screeners. And the Reunion in 503 is already getting overhyped. This all reminds of S4 when screeners hyped up Bellarke sense and nothing literally happened. Thoughts?

5.03 Sleeping Giants (5/8/18): HOME - Bellamy leads the charge investigating a potential way home. Meanwhile, Clarke and Madi deal with the new, uncertain threat to their home. (x)

I don’t follow any of the people that are posting about the screeners. I did see that Jason & Tim posted about how it. Well, I think in general it will be a very action-packed, intense, on the edge of your seat type of episode. Looking at the synopsis of the episode…I’m assuming this episode is going to be the episode where SpaceKru launches their pod into the Eligius Station that is orbiting space (there is a ship then there is the transport ship that Clarke saw at the end of season 4) that we see in the trailer. Then they will board the ship and try to make contact with earth/steal a transport to get back down. This is the episode we might also see bellamy fighting and being saved by Echo. Also, them discovering all the prisoners in their sleeping chambers (”this is an army”). The episode will probably end with the Spacekru (or at least a few of them) successfully getting down to earth and having a reunion with Clarke. It will probably be an emotional reunion for everyone. 

And I think you meant to write season 3? I don’t remember there being hype/screeners for season 4 and their “reunion”. I’m expecting there to be an emotional reunion between bellamy and clarke too. Why wouldn’t there be? He thinks she’s dead and she has no idea if he and the others are alive. Bellamy has probably has been dealing with survivor’s guilt as he thinks she died to save them. He didn’t know if they just waited a few more minutes if she could have made it. It is not knowing what happened to each other that has been the hardest. I see Clarke radioing Bellamy as a way to keep sane and keep her hope alive that they are not dead and are on the Ring. She is probably holding out a little bit of hope that maybe if they are getting her messages. She is probably hoping that she is helping negate the blame and guilt they might feel for leaving her there if they can see that she is alive. 

The thing is….the people that “read” belarke as romantic will overlay romantic undertones to their reuniting or ANY interaction they have lbr. So, any hugging, eye contact, crying, etc. will automatically be seen in that light. However, I would read those scene completely different as I see belarke as a brother/sister/best friend bond. Bellamy and Clarke love each other, no one is denying that. What people often forget is that men and woman can be friends and love each other. TV shows are missing this representation, which leads to the perpetuation of the stereotype that men and women (that are attracted to the opposite sex) can’t JUST be friends and love each other in that capacity. But, I digress.

I have used the example in the past….but I see Clarke and Bellamy as foster siblings that have forged a deep bond by dealing with trauma together. They are the older “head” foster siblings in a household where they try to protect all their younger foster siblings. They are a united front when it comes to protecting their created family. 

Getting back to the season 3 reunion....Bellamy felt guilt for letting Clarke just walk away at the end of season 2 and letting her bearing the responsibility of what happened at Mt. Weather. Then in season 3 he learns that she is being hunted by the Ice Nation due to her taking direct responsibility for killing the Mountain Men. His desperate search for Clarke to Belarkers was seen as romantic. However, I saw his desperation being his guilt of feeling like he abandoned Clarke. That desperation and guilt led him to do some pretty reckless stuff. He was also dealing with the anger of her abandoning him to deal with the aftermath too. 

So, yes, I see there being parallels to the season 5 reunion like there was in the season 3 reunion. I see it being somewhat of a surprise to both of them and disbelief on both of their faces that the other is actually alive and in front of them. I could see Bellamy holding Clarke’s face as the disbelief that she is actually alive wars with him. Now, Belarker’s could read this as a romantic gesture even if it is not meant to be. 

TL;DR: Clarke and Bellamy care for each other, that is not news to anyone. However, belarkers will read any reunion with romantic undertones while there canonically is not meant to be any. I will need to see it with my own two eyes to make a complete assessment of it. There needs to be more stories that have male and female characters that have a deep bond and friendship that never become romantic. Bellamy and Clarke’s relationship is special BECAUSE it is not romantic. It is unique in that way....every other story under the goddamn moon has had the male and female lead become romantically involved. i’m over it. but I digress...this is no longer a tl;dr. lol.  

#Anonymous #answered #bellamy x clarke #lol....i go from not answering any asks to writing an essay

[arrowsshootyouforwards]

ColdAtom Secret Santa 2017: The Charade

In Secret Santa this year I was writing for @craptaincold

I went with a Fake Relationship story for you, hope you enjoy it :) (Story under the cut)

@coldatomsecretsanta

If Leonard Snart could pinpoint the moment in his life where he tipped the scales enough to get himself sent to hell, it would have been about 6 months, 1 week and 4 days ago. He’d been mid shoot on his new movie. His agent and the agent of his co-star had called them both to a meeting. In the movie Len played a widowed man. His wealthy wife had died leaving him with their daughter Eliza. His character is from an entirely different world than his wife but as she stated in her will she wanted their daughter brought up around the world she had known. He hires a nanny, a male nanny, who he falls in love with.

He and his co-star were unsure why they had been called into a meeting but they both turned up. It was at the meeting Leonard knew he was going to hell. They wanted the pair to date. Well, at least to pretend.

“Think of the fans, they’re already what’s the term… ‘Shipping’ the two of you. They’re even creating art.” He held up his iPad to show a rather graphic sketch of the two of them.

Both Leonard and Ray looked uncomfortable. Ray’s agent stepped in. “Ray you both need to think about the possibilities here, think of the parts this could get you in the future. You’re still unknown in this world.” Ray really didn’t like where this was going. Their fans knew that both he and Leonard were gay. It’s what was keeping the media from being too interested in the film already. There was nothing ‘exciting’ about two gay actors playing gay roles apparently. But if their fans started posting about their ‘dreams coming true’ then the media would be interested. Ray remained quiet. He had a lot less to lose than Leonard. Leonard was up for a big role after this movie and the director was homophobic. It sounded like he was looking for any reason to drop Leonard from the project.

“Look, we’re not saying that you should just start fucking, no, just be seen together and let things ‘progress’,” Leonard looked about to kill his agent. “Look, why don’t you both think about it, discuss it and meet again next week?” Neither Len or Ray could reply before the man was on the phone and excusing himself, taking his things with him. Ray’s agent shot them both an apologetic look.

“Just think about it. It isn’t an unlikely story, two stars, grow close during a role, start going out. And it couldn’t hurt your careers. Either of them.” Ray’s agent packed his things and left the pair of them. Leonard regarded his co-star beside him. It wasn’t entirely unbelievable that they could go out. They were good at their jobs and had good chemistry on screen.

Ray was deep in thought in the next seat. Leonard had always been one of his favourite actors before he had the courage to try it himself. And he would be lying if he said he wasn’t attracted to the other. He knew the main complication in Leonard’s mind. His future. Both of their futures for that matter. Neither wanted to speak first so Leonard took the hit. “We should discuss this,” he said startling Ray.

Ray nodded, “I agree,” he said though he didn’t move.

“Let’s go somewhere more private, my place, tonight? I’m meeting my sister downtown in half an hour. Seven good?”

“Seven’s fine.” Ray agreed as they began preparing to leave. Leonard text Ray his address and left to meet his sister.

Ray couldn’t think straight, so he did what he always did in that situation and headed home then to a gym with a pool. He stared longingly at the boxing ring through the windows but his contract in the film said he couldn’t get mark up through sport. So swimming it was. He swam lengths until the lifeguards told him he had to get out so they could do kids swimming lessons. He went back to his apartment to eat and called his friend to see if she wanted to hang out.

“Hey Anna, did you wanna get lunch? My treat? Great see you there,” he hung up and drove to a small Italian place in the city. Anna arrived shortly after he did, she lived further out than he did. They sat in a more secluded corner of the restaurant so he could talk to her. “So, our agents want us to date, or to at least make it look like we are, to promote the film and I don’t know, it seems wrong.” He told her.

“Ray lots of actors have pretended to date to promote their movies. It’s sometimes part of the job,” Anna told him. “40% of actor-actress relationships end with a carefully planned break-up. What does Leonard think?”

“We didn’t really have much chance to talk about it, he left to meet his sister.”

“Well think about it like this, both of you are out as gay, neither of you is seeing anyone, you don’t have any kids, so no one can get hurt. Plus, it might help you. The only think that might throw you is your active life on social media. You’d need to plan his introduction into that carefully. You can’t just suddenly have pics with a guy saying, ‘love of my life’ or something like that.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be the voice of reason in this friendship?” He smirked.

“Ray you know I love you and I think it would be good for you to date someone. Even if it’ not real, for him anyway.” Anna knew he had somewhat of a thing for Leonard and had teased him relentlessly for it when they had been cast together. “Ray just think about it OK?”

“I will. We’re meeting tonight to discuss things,” he told her. “You really think we should do it?”

“It couldn’t hurt,” she smiled reassuringly.

 Ray arrived at Leonard’s house just after 7 and rang the doorbell. “Hey, come on in,” Leonard said, “we have a lot to talk about.” This was different to the Leonard he had been seeing on set. He was more intense, though Ray put that down to nerves. Leonard showed him to the kitchen where he pulled two beers out of the refrigerator. Sliding one over to Ray he twisted the top off of his own. Ray had been over a few times to run lines in pre-production. Len took a long pull from his drink. “It’s not uncommon,” he paused, “for actors to start going out during a movie. However, those are straight actors and they’re dating their female co-stars. We’re gay and there will be a lot of hate coming at us. Especially you, I know the projects you have lined up. You know how some people get when Disney hires a gay actor. It’s not ideal. But I think we can make this work. What are your thoughts?” Leonard looked at Ray for the first time since he arrived.

“I agree that it’s not the least likely outcome of the two of us working together. I spoke with a friend earlier, a trusted friend,” he added, “and she thinks we should go for it. But she did mention my social media presence. We’d have to think carefully about that. You can’t just show up on there. When we were running lines over the summer I Instagramed pics of me outside, arriving and leaving etc. So people know I’ve been here and it’s a good start. Next, our fans. We have two different fanbases and as much as our agents want us to believe the crossover is ‘huge’ it’s not how he described it. The crossover that is there, however, is very… Interested in us… Joining forces, I think is the best way to put it.”

“I won’t say I haven’t looked into it,” Leonard told him. “And I agree with you about the social media aspect. We’d have to keep an eye on their reactions to that. We should start sooner rather than later. As for public interaction, have you given that much thought?”

“A little” he lied, Ray’d thought about it more than he cared to admit even to himself.

“We should start with small things, casual touches, sitting close together, hand holding and I guess at some point, kissing. We’re good actors, but even pros need practise. So, I think we should meet up a few nights and get used to touching one another. Just so we look comfortable together.” Ray remained silent. A man he had crushed on for years was proposing they meet up to practise touching and kissing each other. He nodded, not trusting his voice. They hadn’t gotten to filming those scene in the movie yet, so he had yet to actually touch or kiss Leonard too much.

Ray and Leonard spent the next two hours working out the kinks in their story, putting their plan into action soon. They started with the social media aspect. Ray took a picture of them running lines and posted it on Instagram with the caption ‘rehearsing something a little more intimate.’ The picture had Leonard with his arm around Ray on the couch, holding a script and winking at the camera. It was mainly to test the waters with the fans and the reaction was almost instant and they monitored it while they ran lines followed by half an hour of leaning against each other, and light touching.

Having the weekend off the pair kept in touch on Sunday discussing the fan’s reactions to their post. They also called their agents, letting them know they would go along with it, on their own terms. Not their agents’.

Come Monday, they were back shooting their movie and they were getting close to the time when their characters would fall in love. Those scenes began on Friday. They decided not to tell anyone else that their relationship wouldn’t be real. The fewer people who knew, the better.

Wednesday evening, they were at Ray’s apartment running lines for Friday with the little girl playing Penny who played Eliza saying her lines over the phone from her dad’s. After her dad made her hang up to get ready for bed the two men discussed the reaction from their social media. Ray had started to include Leonard in more of his posts and it was working a treat at getting their fans excited. They decided to dip their toes in a little deeper and posted a picture of Ray in Leonard’s arms preparing to watch a move together, chuckling at the various reactions as the movie played.

Leonard was amazed at how comfortable he felt having Ray in such constant proximity for long periods of time. Normally it took him longer to become comfortable about co-starts he would eventually be intimate with, even on screen. So much so, he didn’t even flinch when Ray threaded the fingers of their hands together. Merely an hour later, Leonard, feeling brave, took Ray’s phone from the side table. “I have an idea that may speed up our timeline slightly. If you’re up for it.”

“What do I need to do?”

“Just tell me your phone passcode and pretend to be asleep.” Ray did as he was told and Leonard snapped a selfie for Instagram. ‘Someone fell asleep with his phone unlocked’ he typed and added snoozing emojis.

“You’re awful,” Ray chuckled as it was posted to his feed and the comments began pouring in.

“I know, but they love it.”

“You could’ve used a filter, that lighting is terrible,” Ray joked as he sat up and stretched.  The movie was long forgotten as they watched the comments and reactions from fans.

Leonard checked his own phone, “it’s getting late, I should go home.”

“Right, um, see you in the morning.” Ray saw him out and watched him to his car.

 The next morning, he arrived on set to find Leonard waiting with two coffees from CC Jitters. Ray raised an eyebrow and snapped a photo for the fans. ‘Thank you for the coffee. FYI: This is how you use a filter ;p’ he typed and then tagged Leonard. Ray wasn’t in many scenes that day though the director did speak to him about the upcoming scenes the next day. The scenes were he and Leonard would share their first kiss.

“Look, Mr. Palmer,” the director, Harry Wells, began, “I’ve seen the little thing the pair of you have on social media, via my daughter. Just understand that when I shoot the first kiss tomorrow, it better be a first kiss. Catch my drift? No rehearsing. I’ve already spoken to Mr Snart.” Ray nodded, he’d almost forgot Harry’s rules about working on this film. He’d kept Leonard and Ray away from each other until their characters had met. Fortunately, they had yet to kiss in their evenings, though he had been sorely tempted to on several occasions. Leonard must have remembered as he always seemed to stop things before they got too much.

“I understand Mr Wells. And I guarantee, we haven’t yet kissed.”

“Good, keep it that way until tomorrow.” Ray nodded.

 “I was thinking,” Leonard said after filming, “that maybe we should hang out in public this weekend, be seen by others.”

“Sounds good, we could do lunch, or dinner or go for a run or something.”

“Lunch and a run sound good. Maybe not in that order but sounds like a plan. We shouldn’t hang tonight though, not sure I could control myself,” he said, his eyes darting to the side. Ray followed his gaze to see fans getting closer.

“A run then lunch, great idea. Good call about tonight,” he took Leonard’s hand and squeezed it before letting it go again, one of the fans let out a giggle and another a triumphant noise as his phone camera snapped a picture of them holding hands. “See you tomorrow?”

“Until then,” Leonard brought Ray’s hand to his lips and they went their separate ways, texting as soon as they were alone.

‘Good call with those fans. Hand kiss, nice touch,’ Ray text him once he was home.

‘What can I say, I’m a good actor.’ Leonard replied and set his phone on the counter in his kitchen and sighed. He was exhausted. Not that his scenes required much effort today but he was emotionally drained. It took a lot for him to work with Ray Palmer and not lose face. How could it not? Ray was exceptionally attractive and exactly his type. More so now they had been spending so much time together and learning more about each other. He’d had no idea how to handle their agents suggesting they fake date because he was unsure he’d be able to keep it pretend when in his head he wanted to real thing.

To top it all off tomorrow they had to kiss, on set, for the first time and on camera. Wells had told him they only had one shot to make it work. He wanted the first kiss and he would get it whether Leonard or Ray liked it or not. Leonard had been pushing his restraint as it was. But he never thought Ray would like him back. Tomorrow would be the true test. He didn’t have much time to think about it as his sister turned up with her daughter Sofia for a visit.

 The next day Leonard arrived on set where Ray immediately found him. Ray snapped a selfie for Instagram captioned ‘big day’ with lip emojis. “Tease,” Leonard accused, wishing he could just kiss Ray there and then, but he caught sight of Harry and thought better of it.

“They love it, hair and make-up need you soon by the way.”

“Heading there now,” Leonard replied putting his hands up in surrender.

 “I haven’t felt this way in a long time, I’m afraid I don’t know what I’m doing anymore,” Leonard said as the pair moved closer. “I just feel lost, I’ve lost so much, my life hasn’t made sense in a long time. And yet when you’re around everything just seems so clear. The expectations of this life say I should ask you to leave, I should walk away.”

“Then why don’t you?” Ray asked softly, his hands resting on Leonards biceps.

“Because to hell with expectations,” Leonard pressed his lips forward against Ray’s. Their eyes slid shut as Ray relaxed into the kiss, allowing Leonard to deepen it.

 “And cut!” Harry yelled from beside the camera, “gentlemen, excellent job. Gentlemen!” He called and Leonard and Ray separated, “good take, get out of my sight, see you both Monday. Ray went over to Anna, his guest onset, who had his phone. “How’d it look?”

“Good and the fans over there saw everything.”

“Perfect.” He said as Leonard joined them.

“We should talk tonight, my place, I’ll cook.” He said and left. Anna shot Ray a look.

“He’ll cook, sounds serious,” she teased.

“What, no, he’s just being nice. He is nice.”

“Mmhmm.”

 Ray arrived at Leonard’s house that night, aware that he was being followed. When Leonard opened the door, Ray kissed his cheek and hurried them inside. “Sorry, I was followed, I think some fans are reaching the level of crossing the line.”

“Don’t worry about it, I won’t complain.”

“So what did you want to talk about?” Ray asked setting a bottle of wine on the counter.

“I think the time has come for us to practice more intimate activities. Kissing and such, for the reveal, you know, so we look comfortable.”

“Right, that, uh, good call. So, Anna said the fans that were watching were going crazy after we left.”

“And that was a scripted kiss for the movie. Wonder how they’ll take to us kissing when it’s not for the movie.”

“Guess we’ll find out, smile,” Ray turned and took a selfie of Len stirring dinner.

“What’re you gonna caption it?”

“#BestCastMateEver” he smirked.

“They’ll love that,” Leonard rolled his eyes.

“I know,” Ray raised his eyebrows and Leonard had to look away. His restraint was being tested again. He finished cooking and they poured some wine. The food was good, Ray had heard rumours that Leonard could cook and damn straight he could.

After dinner, they put on a movie and sat a little too close to be considered platonic on the couch. It was Ray who made the first move, using the wine he’d brought for courage he turned to face Leonard and pressed their lips together. Leonard relaxed against his lips, gently returning the kiss.

“I’ve been thinking,” Ray began a while later, “what’s our timeline, like when are we putting ‘us’” he said using air quotes, “out there?” Leonard considered. It wasn’t something that had come up, though he was surprised he missed it.

“Well I guess there’s no time like the present, you got your phone?”

“Always,” Ray grinned already switching to the front camera. Leonard kissed his cheek and Ray snapped the picture, sending it caption-less to his Instagram.

 Over the next couple of weeks, whenever they weren’t filming Leonard and Ray spent time together in public, convincing the world that they were dating. Leonard’s agent, Eobard, was loving it. Ray’s agent Nate, however, was more cautious. He continued to remind Ray to think about his future and how he didn’t really trust Eobard. He wasn’t even sure why Leonard was working with him considering the continually stereotyped roles he’d played over the last few years.

Ray and Leonard had everything in their ‘relationship’ worked out and so were not overly worried. They would spend time together, had been on dates to places and even had nicknames for each other. Ray called Leonard Len and Leonard insisted on calling him Raymond, no matter how much he protested.

After the movie came the promotional tour, full of meet and greets and talk shows where every host wanted to know how they had gotten together. This came with the territory of the pair of them sharing hotel rooms. And more closely, sharing a bed. They had decided from the beginning that they could be adults about sharing a bed. Though it was not without unfamiliar territory. Numerous occasions they had woken up spooning. Sometimes whoever woke first, which both of them were guilty of, would lay there, enjoying the moment. According to their fans they had been together for almost 4 months at this point.

 About a week towards the end of the tour they were in Hartford, Connecticut, when the panels they were attending were cancelled due to heavy snow. They were in Hartford for 4 days, with all of their events cancelled. Harry left his cast to their own devices, still salty that they could not have a panel. Leonard and Ray spent the first day looking around the city and meeting their fans with Penny and her dad.

Overnight the snow fell heavier, most of the things they had been planning to do were closed due to the snow. They spent the morning at the hotel. Ray worked off some steam swimming while Leonard read in their room. Ray returned to their room, his hair still damp from the shower he took at the pool. Leonard didn’t look up from his page as he wordlessly waved to Ray.

Ray had become to suspect that Leonard, much like himself, felt more for his castmate than friendship and fake romance. He was just waiting for the time to ask him and now seemed as good a time as ever. “I was wondering, if we could maybe talk?” He asked, catching Leonard’s attention. Leonard finished his paragraph and marked his page.

“Sure, what’s up?” He asked setting his book aside.

“I was just wondering, that maybe, um, I mean- Sorry, I was wondering that, um, before all this, before our agents even suggested the idea to us, I just, I was really into you- I mean not in a weird way, but, attracted, I guess would be the best way to describe it, I mean… I’m messing this up, aren’t I? OK, I guess what I’m saying is that before we started to fake date, I would have thought about asking you out, for real and I just wondered if maybe you ever felt the same way about me?” Ray stopped talking, amazed he’d managed to express himself somewhat coherently.

Leonard sat in silence for a short while, processing what Ray had said. “Honestly? I won’t say the thought never crossed my mind. I mean look at you, you’re amazing, as an actor and a person. I won’t say I never thought about asking you out. It’s just everything in my career is complicated. My next movie is hanging by a thread right now because of us pretending to date. But if I’m keeping being honest, I’d rather be happy and date you for real than do that movie. Which I guess is my terrible way of asking you if you wanna have a date, for real.”

“Wait, seriously? I mean you’re into me-” In the time it had taken Ray to finish his sentence, Leonard had crossed the lounge area of their room to kiss him harder than they had kissed at any point in their relationship so far. Ray responded to the kiss, pulling Leonard beside him on the couch, deepening their kiss. Leonard nipped at his lip as they pulled apart.

“I am very, into you Raymond,” Leonard whispered. “And I’d like to be more,” he murmured and Ray’s breath hitched as he cottoned onto Leonard’s meaning as he felt a hand trail up his thigh. “How about you?”

“Oh God yes,” Ray mumbled pulling Leonard back to his lips. His hands pushed under Leonard’s shirt, desperate to feel more of him. They shed their shirts and Leonard pulled Ray by the hand over to their bed and kissed him once more, allowing his hands to roam over the other’s body. Ray placed his hands on the small of Leonard’s back, his hands roamed lower, over Leonard’s ass, squeezing and pulling him closer. Leonard smiled into the kiss. Leonard backed Ray until he hit the bed, Ray wrapped his arms around Leonard and pulled him down onto the bed. Ray could feel Leonard’s hard length inside his jeans, fighting to be free against his own hard on. Leonard rolled his hips into Ray’s, both of them moaning at the friction created. “Leonard,” Ray breathed as his partner kissed his neck and lower. “Can- Are we-”

Leonard paused, “if you want to.”

“I so want to,” Ray replied. They stood and shed the remainder of their clothes, Leonard checked the door was locked and Ray dug around in his bag for the lube and condoms he had stashed there, mainly for show in case someone came snooping but it never hurt to be prepared. Leonard accepted the items when Ray handed them over and encouraged Ray to lay on his front.

Leonard crawled over the bed behind Ray, nudging his legs apart as he warmed the lube between his fingers. Tentatively he pressed a finger inside of Ray, who swore under his breath and moaned. When Leonard began feeling Ray push back against his finger he added a second and then a third until he felt Ray was ready. Ignoring his pleas for more. Leonard pulled his fingers out of Ray and rolled a condom over his hard cock, spreading lube over it he nudged Ray. Telling him to get into a more comfortable position.

Ray rolled onto his back and spread his legs apart. Leonard took Ray’s cock in his hand and stroked it as he lined himself up with Ray’s entrance. Pressing forward he entered Ray, both men moaning in unison. For Ray, it had been a while since he had had another man inside him but damn did it feel good. Good however was putting it lightly to say how Leonard felt in that moment. Ray pulled Leonard down to his lips as his partner stroked his cock in time with his thrusts which became short and fast. Not wanting to push Ray too far he had yet to fully enter the other man. Ray, sensing he was missing out somehow began meeting Leonard’s thrusts in an attempt to take him deeper. Leonard pulled most of the way out of Ray and slowly sank back in, deeper than he previously had. The deeper he went the more Ray moaned beneath him. His thrusts, combined with his hand on Ray’s cock was becoming too much. Ray moaned as he came over Leonard’s hand and his own stomach. Pulling Leonard down to kiss him he rolled his hips, encouraging his partner to finish. Leonard’s thrusts became quicker and shallower, hips stuttering to a stop as he came into the condom.

He slipped out of Ray, disposed of the condom and kissed the other man, running his fingers through his sweat-damp hair. Ray lay there catching his breath. He kissed Leonard back, smiling into their kisses.

Ray and Leonard lay together for a while, got up, showered and prepared to take a nap before Ray asked: “So do we count us ‘getting together’ as now, or when we started the whole charade?”

“Well, answer me this, was it ever really a charade?”

“I guess not,” Ray smiled, “for me at least.”

“Me either,” Leonard assured him, curling behind his boyfriend. Boyfriend, it felt good to think that. “You should rest.” He said.

“So long as you’re here when I wake up.”

“You don’t have to worry about that,” Leonard whispered as Ray drifted off in his arms.

#coldatom secret santa 2017 #coldatom secret santa #coldatom #leonard snart #Ray Palmer #len x ray #bit of smut in there

[violetemerald]

List of queerplatonic level relationships people can choose from for my two birthday collabs this year:

For my birthday I usually host either 1 or 2 fanvideo collabs. This year is the first year that I’m actually happily in a queerplatonic partnership myself while my birthday has come around. The first birthday after I figured out I was asexual I hosted family&friendships, platonic relationships, birthday collabs. Then I hosted multi-characters, then a more typical multi-couples one for romantic & sexual ships. This year, as I turn 27 years old, I’m excited to finally host two collabs where I focus on as many queerplatonic level relationships as possible.

There are many ways to define queerplatonic, but the “queer” in the word refers not to the people in the relationship, but rather to the relationship itself - queering the norms of what non-romantic relationships can be.

Not all queerplatonic relationships are alike. My queerplatonic partner & I feel the same amount of attraction toward one another as family members or close friends might feel, which is absolutely nothing sexual or romantic. We also don’t cuddle or hold hands or touch much at all, nothing like that. We’re queerplatonic because we, by nature of both being aromantic-spectrum and asexual-spectrum, aren’t dating or looking for anyone else to fill a lot of roles in our lives, and end up as each other’s de-facto plus one’s to events. We are adults with a level of “being best friends” that most adults we know don’t have. We also have a level of commitment to one another that we’ve agreed upon, where we intend to one day build a life together that involves probably foster parenting and later adopting children, and for now includes the idea that we are officially “together”, that we might meet each other’s families and be each other’s “most significant person” in life, etc. You basically feel like family, like an old married couple where the passion is gone but the deep love and affection is still there except you never had any of the passion in the first place.

For me, when watching TV shows, it’s much harder for high school based characters to feel queerplatonic to me. To feel queerplatonic to me, really significant behaviors like living together, deciding to open a business together, using words like “Family” or “brother” rather than friend because they feel so bonded, using words like “love” despite being friends, touching each other so much that half of fandom is shipping them, or going through tragedies together can all help make their friendship feel like it is a stronger type of friendship. Queerplatonic relationships ARE friendships, in my opinion, they aren’t something different, just a different TYPE of friendship. An intense one that other people won’t understand, or might be likely to mistake as romantic.

Here is a nice article I found on queerplatonic relationships:

http://www.therivetermagazine.com/queering-the-relationship/

  It explains it pretty well.

Let me know if you think I’ve forgotten a queerplatonic level pairing from a series or even just film that you know I like:

Now for all 33 of the pairings below, I want to explain why I consider them queerplatonic. A few of these I can ship romantically as well but I especially love categorizing them as queerplatonic, because queerplatonic representation FTW!

1. Cory & Shawn (Boy Meets World/Girl Meets World) - I wouldn’t have thought to include these two, but that article cites them, and I couldn’t resist. I fell so hard for Shawn Hunter and his angst filled life and related to too much of it when I watched the entire original series in record time via ABC Family reruns as a young teenager, but I also fell for the deep Cory/Shawn friendship, which was stronger than their romantic relationships ever were, and which never grew weaker as they became adults. I especially like what I’ve heard about Girl Meets World’s portrayal, even though I’ve never seen the series. I feel their friendship is respected for the queerplatonic level bond it is.

2. Sara & Oliver (Arrow & also DC’s Legends of Tomorrow) - for these two, I count them as queerplatonic because that’s the real way I ship them. I don’t actually think they are the best romantic pairing. I think the one-sided romantic attraction from Sara toward Oliver faded with time but instead these two developed a deep platonic bond over sharing experiences of going through hell on Lian-Yu (the island) and over both being vigilante superheroes later on. Sex doesn’t equal romance and this relationship feels best categorized to me as queerplatonic. They aren’t “just” typical friends for an array of reasons, but they also aren’t a simple romantic ship.

3. John & Sherlock (Sherlock, BBC) - for Sherlock/John… quite frankly, they may be THE SINLGE MOST OBVIOUS EXAMPLE of a queerplatonic life partnership to me because Sherlock actually seems completely aromantic asexual to me, at least in the same way I am aro ace - read this to get where those of us who interpret him this way are coming from: http://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/70661417641/sherlock-holmes-as-an-asexual-character and John actually seems straight in my opinion, yet Sherlock is somehow the most important person to John, more so than any of the women he’s attracted to in sexual and/or romantic ways. Even if John can be argued to be bi, please don’t take ace Sherlock from me, he is so ace… XD That being said, although I don’t see it, even if Sherlock was gay, then maybe John is straight and they still have incompatible orientations yet somehow have this amazing bond and that is what… I think of when I think of queerplatonic. I actually just thought of John being homoromantic&heterosexual as a possibility, meaning he can’t fall in love with women even though that’s the only gender he’s sexually attracted to, but he can fall in a non-sexual kind of love with Sherlock… :P https://asexualcensus.wordpress.com/2014/11/17/cross-orientations-among-non-aces/ So many possibile reasons why they are the way they are, but regardless, because their friendship is the most intense possible friendship possible, they count as queerplatonic.

4. House & Wilson (House M.D.) - House is obviously much more heterosexual than BBC’s Sherlock character but House & Wilson were based on the original Holmes and Watson in many ways, and their relationship with each other is one of the ways you can see that inspiration. They love each other so much. Wilson tells House in the final season that he needs him to tell him he loves him, actually using that word. They live together at times, etc etc. But it doesn’t mean they actually have any sexual attraction toward one another. (Nor romantic attraction, necessarily, albeit that is more complicated). This may be biphobic writing/queerbaiting OR it might be a reflection of a real queerplatonic kind of bond that could be possible between straight men… and I personally prefer to think of it as the latter.

5. Shawn & Gus (Psych) - there is so much that’s kinda obvious with this one. They are beyond just best friends. They are the emotional core of each other’s lives, they chose to build their lives together as (business) “partners”, and they are exactly what queerplatonic partners mean to me in many ways, because however much Shawn loved Juliet O’Hara, he always loved Gus at least equally, if not more. Gus was his chosen family for his entire life. For ages Gus was literally the only person in on a secret, other than the father who built him to have this superpower. There are touching emotional moments between them and it wouldn’t be hard to vid them in these collabs. 6. JD & Turk (Scrubs) - it’s just guy love between two (completely heterosexual) guys, right? That’s how THEIR SONG goes in the musical ep? XD There’s nothing gay about it in their eyes, and therefore… they are the epitome of queerplatonic. The beginning of this following thread actually has some people discussing JD/Turk as queerplatonic… http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/118560-list-of-queerplatonic-relationships-in-showsbookscelebrities/

7. Chandler & Joey - in a similar vein, these two were the one friendship on all of Friends that was “Weirdly close” (see the thread above on asexuality.org), that had lots of gay innuendo and stuff… basically they weren’t typical friends, they were hyper close friends who lived together, just the two of them, for pretty much the majority of a decade as adults with no other significant romances in their lives most of that time, and at the end of the series Joey still had no one but his friends and felt closest to Chandler in a very queerplatonic kind of way even if Chandler did have Monica. A deep love that was truly not romantic nor sexual.

8. Morgan & Reid (Criminal Minds) - many people ship these two, because their friendship got so close, because they touch each other a lot, etc. Their final scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ST8CdeMRhEw includes actual I love yous, naming a child after the other, references to being a “brother” because of how close they feel… and tears over just the simple separation of not working together anymore. They have so many amazing moments throughout the series that I can find myself shipping them too, but mainly I prefer to ship them in a queerplatonic way, partially because I see too much of my aromantic ace tendencies in Reid: http://archiveofourown.org/works/7566307/chapters/17212351 and idk. They are not queerplatonic “partners” to me, they just have a queerplatonic level of feelings for one another. I believe Garcia/Morgan should also count as queerplatonic on this show. It’s fine for Morgan to have two queerplatonic bonds. She felt sexual attraction toward him but they both felt only platonic love. I just prefer Morgan/Reid much more than Morgan/Garcia, and the sexual innuendo in Morcia tends to make me uncomfortable as a sex-averse ace perhaps, and idk, I just don’t want Morgan/Garcia in my collab. But Morgan/Reid mean the world to me, ESPECIALLY platonically. I actually have a list with timecodes of many of Morgan & Reid’s moments in the first 7 or so seasons, if you want it.

9. Emily & JJ (Criminal Minds) - another queerplatonic bond on Criminal Minds, and it’s rare for me to find two women who I can think of as queerplatonic. I also definitely can ship them, see both women as queer enough for an actual romantic/sexual relationship between them to have potential, but as the show stands, they could certainly both be straight. That’s the narrative the show pushes. And yet their bond is particularly deep due to especially the circumstances of being each other’s only contact at times while on classified missions/undercover, and they are overly touchy even very early on. I actually have a list with timecodes of many of Emily & JJ’s moments in the first 6 or so seasons they share, if you want it. Possibly some from the new season too.

10. Mozzie & Neal (White Collar) - I actually think these two are more queerplatonic partners than Neal/Peter. Neal/Peter are the obvious heart of the show but Mozzie is not “just” a best friend. Neal is Mozzie’s entire life, so much so that when Peter becomes so important to Neal, Peter  (a suit type of person Mozzie is frightened by) becomes important to Mozzie too. Neal and Mozzie are fugitives TOGETHER, basically build their lives together, and it causes MAJOR PROBLEMS for their friendship when Mozzie wants to leave New York but Neal doesn’t. Mozzie & Neal are the ultimate partners in crime, and basically seem like they could be roommates to a casual viewer of the show, even though they don’t actually live together, because Mozzie is over Neal’s apartment SO OFTEN. When Mozzie is hurt, Neal cries, and vice versa. They are adults, and Mozzie never has a significant romance that comes close to paralleling his feelings for Neal.

11. Neal & Peter (White Collar) - these two have such a deep bond that fuels the show, but I don’t see them as having romantic nor sexual feelings at all for one another. They are very close both outside and at work, to the point of Peter naming his child after Neal. They spend so much time together and their lives revolve around one another, especially Peter’s around Neal, even when they don’t see each other for long stretches of time. They both admire each other and it’s just not a typical friendship, yet it is purely platonic. Neal can have two queerplatonic relationships in his life, and he does.

12. Foss & Kyle (Kyle XY) - this relationship could barely be called a friendship, and that is why it feels queerplatonic to me. It’s kind of like they skipped straight to found family or skipped straight to platonic love. There is an age difference which adds to how atypical it is to be that devoted to one another.  Kyle has close friendships with people like Declan. But with Foss, his relationship is more complicated. Tom Foss would do literally anything for Kyle and… some people do ship these two because of how intense their platonic love is. But it is just platonic, don’t try to tell me it’s anything different.

13. Nikita & Alex (Nikita) - there aren’t enough bonds like this between women on television, which is what makes this pairing so special. Despite each having some really passionate romantic entanglements, these two have such a significant place in each other’s lives, so much so that Nikita/Michael scenes often include lots of talk of Alex and stuff. They are basically self-explanatory in my mind so if you need more justification, let me know.

14. Hiro & Ando (Heroes) - this show mainly has really deep family bonds, but Hiro/Ando break that mold by being a ridiculously deep friendship bond, especially circa seasons 3 & 4. Ando is betrayed in season 3 to learn Hiro didn’t tell him about a significant emotional event in his life, and Hiro says “don’t cry because I’ll cry”, like this is 3x20… there’s so much there to unpack about how much they care for one another. Even in season 2 though, Hiro is far back in the past and hides a secret note for Ando. They are on each other’s minds whenever they are apart, they are really platonic life partners in so many ways, traveling a foreign country together, presumably living together for a long time as adults, etc.

15. Alec & Kiera (Continuum) - they are queerplatonic by nature of being in a sci-fi show’s extremely atypical premise - no other relationship ever is like theirs. The main reasons they tic queerplatonic boxes for me are a) Alec is Kiera’s ONLY confidant who knows the truth of her life other than the people who want to kill her for a while. Alec’s life starts to revolve around her in a similar way and he can’t tell anyone else in his life anything about her. b) age differences make shipping them more than skeevy, because he’s either so much older than her or so much younger than her. But having platonic relationships at any age works… C) Alec is THE PERSON who shaped Kiera’s entire future by sending her to the past and he will always be that significant mark on her life. d) Alec/Kiera have to learn to forgive each other and are at the emotional core of the entire series, share many really significant hugs and moments and basically they are maybe not queerplatonic “partners” in a typical sense, but they are in some kind of queerplatonic relationship. I’d argue that Carlos/Kiera might be queerplatonic too, but I feel more shippy things for them personally so I’m leaving them out of my collab.

16. Dr. Tom & Erica (Being Erica) - call them father/daughter ish if you want, but some people think they’re more husband/wife ish (like the commenter on my video for them: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_F3MwwEqHo ), and isn’t that the epitome of what queerplatonic is, can’t tell if they seem more like family or like a romance? Tom has an unhealthily close relationship with her, since she’s just one of his patients. Erica feels a deep love for Tom. They know each other particularly intimately because of the nature of the magic on this series. They are not what people would ever just call “best friends” despite that literally being what they are to each other, because best friends has a certain connotation and they are barely even “Friends”. They are people who share a deep kind of platonic relationship, and friendship isn’t really the best word to describe it.

17. Meredith & Cristina (Grey’s Anatomy) - because “you’re my person” even after marriages and stuff. Originally “You’re my person” was about being the one person Cristina confided in about her pregnancy and abortion because she needed a significant friend/family member/romantic partner to drive her home (if that had worked out and the appointment had been needed), and that is a very typical kind of practical commitment queerplatonic partners could make in each other’s lives. Feeling not just happy for the person if they move away for a job but also heartbroken like it’s a breakup is typical of queerplatonic level friendships, too…

18. Caitlin & Cisco (The Flash) - I don’t quite know how to explain why they seem so queerplatonic to me but I really love them as an example of queerplatonic bonding. They care so much about each other, they’re like the first thing each other thinks about, they spend every waking moment together, they confide in each other first, they knew each other before the show when no one else did, they are a ying and yang kind of deal when they are Killer Frost and Vibe, they just are such a TEAM in everything in life. They are adults, so they don’t seem like they’re just super close because they’re in the same high school. It seems like a life thing where even if a romantic partner became a part of their lives, this friendship would still probably be a slightly MORE significant relationship in their life.

19. Scott & Stiles (Teen Wolf) - this one I wasn’t so sure about, but the intensity of what they’ve each been through together has made their bond stronger than any other relationship on the show, probably. They have no secrets, and Stiles literally can’t bear the thought at the beginning of season 5 or whenever it was of Scott not being his best friend for life. Stiles uses the word “brother” because friend doesn’t describe it well enough. That kind of thing.

20. Rachel & Kurt (Glee) - I’m also not so sure about this one, but Rachel ultimately being a surrogate who carries Kurt’s child seals the deal for me on this, as well as the way Kurt/Rachel both are the potentially most affected by Finn’s death (however I may be biased a bit by fanfiction and fanon version of their lives…). They are best friends in a way that seems much closer than some of the other roommates and close friends, idk.

21. Maxine & Sean (Judging Amy) - I feel a lot of things about their friendship but don’t ship them in the slightest nor think they are “just” close friends. The age difference is part of it, and the unconventional nature of how close they managed to get despite “only” being coworkers. Watch the first four clips that come up on YouTube for them to get the gist of their relationship. https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=sean+maxine They might fight at times but when times get hard, they share hugs and forehead kisses and platonic physical touch and well, especially Sean toward Maxine seems very queerplatonic. She’s not even “like a mother” to him, she’s just a friend he cares for deeply, partially by nature of the TV show revolving around her life and not his, where we see no other aspect of Sean’s life at all except his feelings for her.

22. Jesse & Walter (Breaking Bad) - by nature of their criminal lives, you may notice a theme here with a few criminal partners, but I think they become each other’s whole worlds, for better or worse. It’s not romantic by any means. But it is a partnership and a deep kind of psuedo-familial love that develops.

23. Angus & Mario (Code Black) - ah I ship them in a pretty slashy way, but I’m too sex-averse and even kissing averse to really be rooting for that to actually happen. I can’t decide what I feel. They just have such an amazing friendship in such a high stakes kind of show that it makes the level of friendship feel like it shoots up to queerplatonic.

24. Emily/Aria/Hanna/Spencer (Pretty Little Liars), just the four of them, no Alison, no boys, that core group seems like queerplatonic level friendship to me because of what they’ve been through. Try to vid voiceovers about how what they’ve been through has bonded them, try to vid moments where no other characters are on screen and at least a few group moments, what I love about this is it’s not a queerplatonic duo/partnership but rather a queerplatonic level group friendship of 4. There is no “just” friends about these girls, especially given the time jump into the future in the most recent two half seasons.

25. Chloe & Clark (Smallville) - They may have been romantic for about 1 to 2 episodes, and Chloe had one-sided romance feelings for seasons 1-5, but this friendship lasted 10 seasons and even when she had romantic feelings, the relationship remained non romantic. In fact, that can be one thing I think that makes a friendship queerplatonic. The fact that one person feels “more than” friendship, romantic feelings, but the friendship is still “just” a friendship. The bond becomes more complicated and intense. Especially for a while, Chloe knowing Clark’s secret became a huge part of why they weren’t “just” friends.

26. Dwight & Michael (The Office) - basically, these two didn’t have other people they were as close to, for much of the show. Dwight might be borderline aromantic because he tends to act like friendships more important to him, desire how much he cares for Angela too. Michael loves everyone his, platonic or not, so hard. So they become, kind of by default, queerplatonic level kind of friends at first and then even after they have romantic partners it doesn’t fade. Dwight prided himself on being given a special status by Michael (in the office, but still), and they have some emotionally touching scenes.

27. Marcel & Davina (The Originals) - These two aren’t family but sort of serve that role in each other’s lives, which is basically the only reason I’m counting them as queerplatonic. They love each other in a way that is nonromantic and nonsexual and also not typical of what you’d normally see in a friendship.

28. Casey & Ashleigh (Greek) - I wasn’t sure if I should do any relationship from Greek, and if so who to do, but I think these two are nice to consider including because there aren’t enough girls who feel queerplatonic on TV but these two are super-best-friends to a degree that could be queerplatonic, mainly because they could not be any closer as friends? Like idk, especially at the end of the series, they have a lot of feelings about one another…

29. Leonard Snart & Mick Rory (The Flash & DC’s Legends of Tomorrow) - ah, Captain Cold & Heatwave, totally queerplatonic partners. Snart’s death hurts the most because that pairing can’t be broken up! What are they doing!! I mean I care about them ruining Sara/Leonard as a ship too but I care more about this friendship between Mick & Leonard. I care about how much they care about each other and how much they are always on the same team. The third “partners in crime” on this list.

30. Michael & Brian (Queer as Folk) - see what I said about Chloe/Clark, basically one-sided feelings and maybe a couple kisses in their lives but never really being anything other than friends makes their friendship atypical, queerplatonic because of all it involves. They weren’t “just” friends, they were in many ways the main rock in each other’s lives.

31. Karma & Amy (Faking It) - I never saw the final season of this show, but hopefully eventually. Basically, I heard they don’t end up together and essentially Karma never returns Amy’s feelings enough, so… while I can ship them romantically, I can also just see them as a queerplatonic relationship for the reasons described directly above in Michael/Brian (and in Clark/Chloe, and Sara/Oliver). Amy learns to suppress her sexual and romantic feelings for her friend in favor of preserving the deep friendship bond. They are atypically close as friends.

32. Arthur & Merlin (Merlin, BBC) - I’ve never seen the show but I plan to watch it eventually and already know they count as queerplatonic in my eyes. The creator said they are a love story as do the actors but the guys never kiss and a lot of people interpret it as gay but thwarted by network television, but from the fanvideo things I’ve seen… I prefer to think of them as Sherlock/John level queerplatonic.

33. Lux & Tasha (Life Unexpected) - they didn’t have anyone else growing up, no parents or family at all, so they became way more than friends and as close as sisters in some ways, and their friendship seems queerplatonic to me, despite their young age. They would risk so much for the other. They need each other in their lives.

#queerplatonic partners #in my favorite tv shows #some aren't partners #queerplatonic relationships #queerplatonic

[mixtapeonwheels]

My Own Mental Health Journey

This one is a tough one to write. But at the same time, I was inspired by Kaylor Betts, creation of the Mental Wealth Project, by his own openness. I can only hope that by my choice to be as open as I can be about my own mental health journey, it will give people the permission to get help when needed, and not feel the shame and guilt I once felt. 

Let’s travel backwards in time to when I was 16 or 17. I’ve grown up in a family of very manly men, or at least manly by the standard profile that all of us males are supposed to fit. They are gruff, they are tough, they love sports, barely speak about their emotions, and never cry. I was one of these men.

Or at least, I thought I was supposed to be. But I wasn’t. I was deeply emotional, I thought about love, friendship, I had moments of elation and moments of deep sorrow. I can distinctly remember marrying my grade 4 girlfriend in the middle of the soccer field on the playground, and crying crocodile tears into the fur of my cat in grade 10 when my first real girlfriend broke up with me. She had her best friend call me to do the deed, and I laid there on the floor blaring “Hide and Seek” by Imogen Heap. It was quite the sight to see, to say the least. 

There was a very specific profile I was supposed to fit, but I continuously failed at filling those shoes - that fucked me up for a long time. And since all the men in my life were like that (and realistically, the internet and social media were in their infancy), I had nowhere else to look. This is what a man was supposed to be. So I tried to deny my emotions. I tried to deny the chatty side of me, the part that wanted to know all and wanted to tell all. It created a ton of internal turmoil. I had naturally developed a lot of close friendships with girls because the girls I knew were emotional and talkative, and so I was dealing with opposing sides. 

The details of how long this lasted, or what finally snapped me out of it is fairly blurry. All I can tell you is that at some point, I decided that this was who I was supposed to be. At that age, it’s still seen as weak to have real emotions, and to express them unapologetically. But I decided that if I was to break the mold, I’d have to shatter it, I guess. I let my emotions fly. Perhaps this was the first step in true self acceptance. I shudder to think who I would’ve become if I had kept denying that within myself. 

Our story takes us next to when I was 24. I was in a relationship with a woman 4 years younger than me. Things had been good for the first year and a half - we were in an amazing honeymoon period filled with love, secret tumblr posts directed at each other, cute selfies, camping trips, and gifts targeted to get that special cry out of one another. 

But something shifted. Maybe life got too real for me, complacency set in, or I stopped pushing myself forward. Exhaustion was ever-present; I wanted to sleep all the time, I had no interest in sex, and I had this doom and gloom mentality that just wouldn’t leave me. Realistically, I had no idea what was going on, all I knew was I felt off. I was so miserable and upset all the time. Projects that I had planned out weren’t getting done, training was a slum at the best of times it seemed. Unfair to her, I put a lot of this on my relationship. if she was happy, then I was allowed to be happy. Now, granted, she did not handle it well, but I think in my older years I’ve understood she was a bit too young to understand what was going on either.

I started seeing a therapist. Thankfully having a diagnosed anxiety disorder allows you access resources if you know where to look. To add to that, I work for a company that would let me take 3 hours of time off every month to drive back to my home town and go to the session, with no questions asked. I’ve been pretty blessed as i muddled through my own waters of figuring out mental health. 

Before I go any further, I should explain the anxiety disorder. And you thought I forgot about you, didn’t I?

My mother had been telling me I had an anxiety disorder since I was very, very young. She remembered it starting around grade 4, and I remember it continuing into junior high and high school. There were nights fighting with my parents about going to bed because I hadn’t memorized everything I needed to know for the test, only to score in the mid-90s anyways. I remember stressing all day about a project I had to finish, procrastinating the shit out of it, and then staying up until 1 to finish it and once again getting an amazing mark. Rinse and repeat. It was hell. The fucked up thing was, I thought this was just normal. This was how it was supposed to be, and everyone else was dealing with the same thing, and I was just awful at handling it. Look at all these other kids, looking relaxed and shit, while I’m burning through my shirts with sweat, thinking about the test we have in 3 days that I haven’t even started studying for. How lucky are they.

Enter my therapist. Enter her telling me in a mid-afternoon on weekday, that this was in fact not what people went through. This was intense anxiety. This was my own, personal hell.

If I appear to jump around a lot, it’s not intentional. But it’s pretty rare that I go through my own mental health journey in one story, so sometimes I remember things in the middle of explaining something else. Maybe I’ll fix it, or maybe i won’t. Who knows. 

I went to that particular therapist for about a year. When I started, I had a girlfriend, but she was distancing herself. The relationship was fading, she was loving me less, and I don’t think she was capable of dealing with what was throwing her way. When i had told her I was dealing with depression, she asked why I hadn’t told her. To this day, my only answer can be that I had no idea what it was. I didn’t know what it looked like, or how to fix it. 

So, she left. I was devastated. I sat in front of my mom on my parent’s couch, and in between sobs said, “I....don’t....know....how....I’ll....do....this.”

I continued to go to therapy. I was open. I was honest. My therapist was old enough to be my grandmother, and she was sweet. She was honest, she asked questions about my thoughts. I also invested heavily in personal growth. There were podcasts I listened to religiously (shout out to Jordan Harbinger), there were books that I read, and I did tons of research on depression. One of the best things i had ever chosen to do was not ignore my enemy, but know him better than he knew himself. 

The path forward from there was messy. There were times I pulled over on the side of the road and cried for a minute. My therapist had advised that when I felt something, don’t bottle it up - give yourself the freedom to feel that emotion for the moment, as that’s likely all it will last. So I did. I cried randomly and at all different times, but eventually I felt better. I created a list of everything that had ever made me anxious, and forced myself to do all of them. I competed in my first powerlifting competition, went to a speed dating night, went to southeast Asia, made new friends, went to shows, tried online dating, and did so many things that would’ve scared the shit out of the old me. My comfort zone expanded, and I never have really let it decrease in size since then.

At some point, I also decided to jump on medication. I had always been concerned that medication would change my personality, because I kind of liked the doom and gloom. I found I had really profound thoughts sitting in my sadness - or at least, what I thought were profound. But at one point, someone described medication as a way to get your lower baseline mood to the same place everyone else’s is naturally at. Depression can be like standing in a basement, below a window. Your friend whose standing on a stool asks why you can see the flowers. Medication is your own stool.

So, I started taking something. But, it really didn’t change things drastically. It took a long time to find the right fit, and something that actually felt like my mood was improving, without being overbearing, overwhelming, fake happiness. It was a balancing act, and some days i feel like it’s not there yet, and some days it does. 

One thing I realized over the years was how much the gym shaped me, and how much it molded me. I was an anxious kid. And when I entered that weight room and had that to focus on, it felt like the one place my brain slowed down and allowed me to just breathe and...be. I still feel that way every time I lift. I’m thankful every day that I had someone to show me that weight room - they probably saved my life. It’s a shitty cliche that “the gym is my therapy” but in a lot of ways, it really was. That was, and always will be my place to go when things feel like they’re spinning out of control.

I won’t pretend this is the end of my mental health journey. I’ve been open with every person I’ve dated, close friends, and family members about the things I go through, when it’s necessary and the time is right. Some people know more than others, and that’s how I feel it needs to be. I will never put this on someone else, I will never ask someone to be my beacon of happiness again. 

To those that are suffering, I feel for you. Let this blog post be an invitation to reach out whenever you feel the need to talk. Having to go through these experiences has brought me closer to good friends, it’s made my relationship with my parents more solid, and it has forced me to look inwards and really peel apart my own layers.

Know that your own journey has immense value. Know that it makes you who you are, but does not define you. Know that others that are suffering need to hear it. You are not alone.

[childrenofathoria-rp-blog]

◆Out Of Character Information◆

Name/Age: Katie, 22 Preferred Pronouns: She/Her Timezone: CST Desired Character: Shiva

◆Character Information◆

(1) What pronouns will your character be using? Would you like to list their sexuality at this time?: 

She/Her – Bisexual For Shiva, she has always felt a draw to the beauty of the human body, no matter what gender they present themselves as. She is one that is entranced by the outward appearance of someone, being drawn into characteristics of beautiful skin, hair, teeth, etc.

(2) Any changes or comments? Completely happy with it all.

(3) Why this character? 

The process of finding the perfect character was definitely a hard one. At first, I found myself diving into a plethora of characters while knowing Shiva was there. Shiva herself resonates with me a lot in many different ways, which put her back a little bit. I recently took a writing hiatus, having lost muse and faith in myself. It wasn’t until writing Shiva’s para sample that I began to see the beauty in her and through a therapeutic sense, I began to love her more deeply with each word I wrote.

Typically, I always write the anti-hero, making a character like Shiva one of the few on my list to write. But as I’ve been changing as a writer and as a person, I see more authenticity and reliability with a character like her. I’m excited to expand with someone much more internal than one who’s filled with a plethora of one-liners, and in the end, I think our transition together will be a quite beautiful one.

There’s a significant beauty that lies in the character of Shiva that helps you respect the way that the mind works while still getting to indulge in the happenings of a fantasy world. I think there’s so much to do with her in the future that not only involves the growth of her connections, but also her own internal and personal maturing. I’m excited to see where Shiva takes me as well as herself in with this new season. And I think together we can work and become a great duo in Athoria.

(4) Interpret this character:

Shiva has never quite felt herself, even as a child. While the truth being her species was kept from her until she was an age that understood the power behind a secret, it never quite helped the dissociation that came with being a Hybrid for her. While Hybrids cannot change like the generations that brought them to be, they mimic some of the same symptoms and skillsets, which for Shiva can come off with her mind dissociating and not feeling as though she is who’s she’s supposed to be.

Because of this, she wonders if a life as a full blood Werewolf would change her disposition. But even with that thought as a fix to one of her most nervous characteristics, she hasn’t acted upon any of this in years since the idea first came to her mind. With this being said, that is another great habit of Shiva. When she is aware of a problem at hand that doesn’t deal with work or the practice of coin making, it’s very rare that she acts upon the logical response. It’s that doubt that she is who she feels like, a wandering mine looking for something to feel right rather than to know it’s right.

While Shiva has a very small demeanor and stature, her personality is much bigger than she is. The great abundance of personality is one of the few things she can attach to, even if it truly isn’t her own. At times, it can seem as though she switches from a timid, shy mouse into a loud, overbearing woman. The change comes from her drastic inability to pin down her own personality, always wavering on the woman she wants to be.

It is this that comes in handy with her work. For the people she wants hustle from, she can bark commands like none other. But when trading or attempting to find a deal, her timid voice can win over anyone with even the bat of her eyes. This also seems to work whenever she’s on a quest to find a suitor, may it be even for one night. Shiva’s shape shifting personality is one of her best and worst characteristics.

Another big part of her character and dissociation is her habit of never being in one place for a long period of time. While she simply adores life in Dragos, she does spend lots of her time traveling to mines and finding newfound types of metals, ores, and everything in between. It’s her lust to find home even though she likes to convince herself that Dragos is just that. This feeds into the wandering soul in hopes of a Pack of which Shiva subdues with human affections rather than the root of the problem. One of the only times she is truly content and stable in herself is around the Anshega Pack. It’s there that she feels as though she is finally surrounded by people who understand her.

This comes from her childhood, especially with her mother. While she never truly had a father figure (something she blames her inability to settle down on), Shiva’s mother was always intensely direct about covering up any of her Hybrid tendencies. A lot of her abilities and skills were pushed under the rug and seen as something bad or immoral about her. For the longest time as a child, Shiva grew up with the fear that she was a monster. It wasn’t until meeting the Pack and spending time with her grandfather that she started to treasure her talents, this leading to her playing games with the men in town, winning her the position with the Mint she now has.

It’s the childish nature in Shiva that adores games, still to this day. While she couldn’t encompass her Hybrid skills at a young age, she focused most of her time on games, whether they were played with other kids or alone. Even herself has become quick and talented with shuffling cups and items beneath, something she taught herself in the spare time she had. This plays as a party trick whenever she finds herself in a tavern or pub of which she is attempting to impress an individual. The cup trick has lead to numerous conversations, rounds of drinks, and even finding herself in a few individual’s beds.

That same childish nature is the one who loves to explore and travel just as she did with moving around beside her mother. While she is searching for home, she can commonly find herself enthralled and surrounded by the customs of the places she goes. This is one of the reasons Shiva has become so connected with fashion. It works as a souvenir and reminder of all the places she’s gone. One of her favorite pieces are a pair of black leather boots she wears to work each day, something she brought home from Hala.

The need to explore is one of the things that put Shiva on a lot of her quests. Even though a lot of her traveling is for work, there are several times that she finds herself working for some extra money on the side through a series of adventures. It is these that help fulfill Shiva a bit more than her typical job. There is a part of her that longs to please others, even if it’s through simple tasks. Many of the quests she puts herself on have very little danger, but lots of travel involved. It is through this she’s met a few of her closer friends as well.

Even though travel and exploration of cultures and unique places is a big part of Shiva’s life, it’s her overall self-search that’s the greatest quest of all for her. For her entire life, she’s been after the purpose of her being that exalts working in the Mint and the person she has become. She is always hunting for that place that feels like home to her. Many of the quests and journeys she go on have an underlining search, asking if she feels as though she belongs in this spot. It’s very rare that any place she has traveled outside of Hala has felt remotely comfortable, always making her miss Dragos more than she truly does.

A big part of this quest is involved with a deep passion for physical contact, or so she believes. In her search for home, it can easily be mistake in a person rather than a place. Many times on her travels, Shiva has found herself in a plethora of mistakes by falling into the wrong bed. It’s those moments of feeling special that feed that desire of setting up a home somewhere, wanting something more permanent. But the lack luster moment usually drops the rose colored curtain at some point, filling a great feeling of disgust towards the individual she took the break from reality with. It is this reason that most of Shiva’s life has been spent with little long-term commitments, in both friendship and romance.

And though this is the main reason, many of her friends would say her lonesomeness comes from her inability of detaching work from her life. Even on her time off and on her travel, it seems Shiva is always thinking about work through peaking at different currencies, metals, and ores wherever she goes. It’s that which people think she is too career focused that no sort of romantic interest will stem, that is unless it’s with her own work passion.

Shiva’s work ethic and passion for perfection can come off as a very cold part of her personality, even though she has a deep sense of caring. With her lack of self-awareness, there are times that what she means does not always get interpreted correctly, leading in a series of wrong signals. This comes from a bit of social awkwardness due to the length of time she has spent on her own or really only with her money. Social cues are not a specialty for Shiva in the least.

PHYSICAL HEADCANONS

-Whenever she is nervous, Shiva has a tick of where she places a piece of hair behind her ear. It’s this time she uses to think about her next response, as though it’s just a normal action or part of the question.

-When she’s traveling, it’s very rare that she isn’t wearing gloves. While her job is known for the tiny scars and scratches, she has still not become accustomed to them yet and can make her a bit weak to the stomach when someone brings them up. Instead, she wears finely made gloves that receive a better-suited bit of attention.

-In conversations with new individuals or people she is trying to impress, her voice goes up in octave in sound. It’s a habit rather than a noise that appeases people. For Shiva, she thinks the lightness and airiness to her voice makes her seem more delicate, which people tend to be easier on. It’s much later in knowing Shiva that her voice goes back to its normal tone.

-Shiva is about 5’2 in height and is roughly 102 pounds. She has always been a fairly thin girl, something her mother blamed on a fast metabolism from her own body heat. It’s the small frame and inability to eat large quantities that play into whenever she begins to crave raw meat. Whenever she eats it, she usually grows weak/sick for a good week or so.

◆ Interview Questions ◆

(1) How did your immediate family end up in Dragos?

“That’s.. Well- Quite the story,” a sheepish grin grows onto my lips as I push a piece of hair behind my left ear. I have this tone that comes on whenever I speak to someone I’m rather unfamiliar with. Anyone who’s worked with me always twists and turns to the voice, as though I’ve become a whole new person. In hopes of sounding sincere or sweet, my voice raises a pitch just as it does in this moment. A rather strange habit, I think before focusing back onto the hair between the tips of my fingers. It’s always been a nervous habit of mine, one that’s grown to be just as annoying as biting my nails or the shrill of my people pleasing tone. The habit itself takes over every time a question like this pops up and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to keep the damned hand against my side. I doubt I’m even in control of myself at this point as I blink back to the question. That sort of topic is better left for later, perhaps when I finally choose to sleep. Instead, I find that annoying voice of mine, telling a vague story with a short crook in my left lip. “Well, mother… bless her soul,” the words I say come out far more sweet than I intended them to be. “She was always moving us up and around as though she was on some sort of mission. The child in me always took it as some sort of epic love story. We were always searching for my father to be the perfect family again. I suppose that wasn’t how the story ended up,” I let my shoulders shrugged. This part of the story smells of childlike disappointment, one I would have rather preferred to push back. Instead, I let some sort of sick grin grow onto my lips, one ready to tell a secret. “Everywhere we went, my mother played a florist. It just so happened that my father was busy pushing the daisies for her.”

I stop for a moment, letting the terrible pun of a joke settle in. Another bad habit I always find myself doing without reason. The truth isn’t the easiest for me to handle, I fear. And because of it, my mind wanders for a way it can. Jokes have just always seemed to be the means, especially in this moment. Truth be told, I ended up in Dragos for a different reason. Instead of the epic love story, it was a chronicle for my mother’s ever present chronicle of keeping me safe. And while I smile, I push back the bitter taste that this memory brings. A mother’s quest for her daughter’s life is great to an extent, besides when it’s for a girl like me. So what’s there not to joke about since in the end it’s the biggest joke of all.

“It ends pretty simply. She just wanted to protect me the best way she could. Mothers never quite know what they’re protecting from, but there’s always something. I think she believed that I was in danger every time a doctor thought I was too warm or when the butcher explained that raw meat wasn’t a healthy meal to me in front of a drawn crowd of shoppers. You know, childish antics was all it was,” I let out a small sigh, bending my head to the side. It was hard to bury the truth to such a truthful question, something I want nothing more than to answer with honesty. But from what I have learned to this day, honesty is dangerous. And if I wanted to lose what I had, it was better to just suppress this story under childish ideals. “We were just a traveling freak show. It ended up Dragos liked the entertainment. Or,” I shrug. “Perhaps it was the flowers.”

(2) If you were found out about being a hybrid and it wasn’t received well for any reason, do you think living with the Pack might be the best course of action? Have you considered speaking to Alastair about it regardless?

“What Hybrid in their right mind hasn’t thought that way?” I ask, letting one brow rise above the other. It seems that the sweet, endearing tone I had has been replaced with my normal tone of voice. This is the sound all the people that work with me are familiar with; a childish voice that demands to be heard and even comes off a little threatening. I chalk it up to the fact I always act as though I have had the most experience in my life when really I’m quite a bore. There’s something people always want to listen to when you add a tinge of excitement to your words, as if you have the secret to life itself dangling in your hand.

“There’s safety in numbers,” I gesture my hands with my words as though they’d do the convincing for me. “Packs are all about safety and numbers. It’d be the place to be if I ever wanted to keep my head or sleep peacefully if that came into play. But,” a finger of mine lifts, the smile returning onto my face. “I have done a fairly proper job of keeping myself safe and hidden back. So I’d like to say my life in Dragos is a piece of cake,” I lie like I’ve figured out that secret again. Truly, I’ve actually been reconsidering the life in Dragos considered to that in a Pack, yet lying seems like the easiest escape. “I can make a life wherever I please. It just so happens that safety in numbers really isn’t my thing.”

For a moment, I let my eyes roll. I’ve heard that name brought up too many times to count, especially regarding my safety. “I’d find it rather odd if my grandfather hadn’t already attempted that route,” I sneer, the lack of satisfaction comes from someone writing my life instead of my own hand. As terrible as I might be at decisions and such, I still prefer to guide the mess of my life steadily with my own two hands. “But who knows. Anything could really happen given the time or place,” I let my hair behind my ear fall back as it seems my nerves have evaporated with this new found charisma that comes whenever I feel my life slipping between my fingers. “Though it seems like time has gotten the best of me here, really. I’ve got work to do,” I suggest, better to hint towards leaving than kicking them out myself. “You must have a very long journey ahead of you, yeah?”

◆Writing Sample:◆

TW: Mention of Self-injury, dissociation, blood, sexual themes, & bones

Her bones read vacant. It was an odd sensation in your body when your bones dissociated from the world around you, wanting to function for the skin of another yet Shiva had become far too familiar with it. Instead of prying a knife deep and handing each individual bone to the rabid dogs that lined the street as both the voice in her head and her heart wanted, there was a different precaution, one that involved getting out of bed before the latter took place. So she took the other route, not that a knife was near or dear to her at this very moment. And with the little strength she had, Shiva found her way to her feet.

The ground was cold, but that had little surprise. It had something she had become far too accustomed to that she ultimately expected whenever her bare feet touched a surface. It’d be such an experience to feel heat against her feet instead of cold, yet it was rare that anything was warmer than the touch of her skin; a consistent fever she could never sweat out. But the truth was etched across the pale skin of her toes against the floor now. She was something greater than her body could process, an overwhelming heat that always filled every stretch of skin she had. It was that untrained fever of sorts and no surface in the world could compare to the heat. So, instead it sent a chill down her spine, something she had grown to live with time and time again.

Over time, she had searched within on some quest of to look at the bright side of the reoccurring chill. If she could blend it with some silver lining, the whole ordeal could be better looked at as a blessing rather than a curse. And with that sort of agenda in mind, Shiva had decided a long way back that the chill woke her up, an ongoing phenomenon that brought the dissociation to a halt and reminded her that she was alive. More importantly, it was a reminder that connected to the self-heated skin was a person, and that person went by the name of Shiva. She was Shiva, her mind constantly reminded. How could she herself ever forget that?

Quietly and with very little effort, her eyes captured the empty dress on the floor as an object of her attention rather than the bubbling questions in her head. The way it sat looked as though all it wanted was to be filled, to hold itself close to a human body in Shiva’s mind. Clothing, especially a dress of that price had no reason to ever talk or feel, but her brain always gave objects that edge. She felt sorry for them; almost as though without her or the partially nude man behind her that their lives would be meaningless. That thought alone was something even in her adult age she couldn’t seem to bear. It was the same as a child who picked up the doll with one eye because they knew the doll needed it. For Shiva, every object, including these coins had some rational feeling behind them. How strange, she thought, a world made out of objecting empathy.

Her feet tiptoed across the wood in fear of waking the body against the bed, the one that wrote the sign of vacancy on her bones to begin with. What an odd disposition it was to crave contact of another and only feel emptier the moment it was achieved. And with that thought rolling around in her mind as the dress first hugged her small hips and then her spineless back before she rolled her eyes back toward the partially naked man covered by sheets. He looked disappointed, no shock there since he hadn’t gotten exactly what he had wanted. But, neither had she. While he wanted nothing more than for warmness to cover every limb of hers, Shiva found very little desire in giving to something that hadn’t gave back. It had turned into an odd tango of lying in one’s arms with anticipation of what would happen next before falling asleep. Lucky for her, he had given up first.

See, his bones read vacant too. It had been one of the numerous reasons she laid her eyes on him in the first place. The vacancy signs meant easy entry almost everywhere, especially when they were rested on a person rather then a place. There was this ever-present openness in their eyes, just waiting for someone to fill the vision in their mind. They had a simple desire, one that a shadow of a person ran alongside them, just asking to be filled. And as it seemed, Shiva felt nicely in a lot of people’s plans. It was the familiar face she had, one that people always claimed they had met before. And even if they had, Shiva wasn’t the type to remember every encounter. While her timid features and small demeanor typically made people believe she was much more caring than she truly was, it was very rare that a conversation outside of her work and practice made any bit of impact on her. No, when she went to bed at night, her mind thought about metal and ore, not the faces she had come across on the streets. It was a burden to not remember a name, even face, making her feel even more dissociated from her mind than the ache in her bones.

But this, no this wasn’t part of the plan as each foot slid into the shoe as she looked back to her dress instead of the man. It was easier to focus on that object empathy than the apathetic wandering of her mind’s desire to get out. If she listened to her mind, she’d be plucking her teeth with a bone from the other hand she had maneuvered out. So instead, it was that precaution again; the mindset to follow what she had arranged as a plan to a T to avoid any sort of wandering thoughts. Shiva had become quite the master of instances like this, a small shell of a woman who always left before their blood fell on the sheets of a man she could care less about. It was that empathy, really. To not ruin the sheets of someone she didn’t even care about would be too much, and even that was an understatement. With that in mind, she fell back to what she knew. The thought of this dress is nice was much better than this was a mistake, or so Shiva had convinced herself over and over again. There was compassion in the wake of one’s own personal consideration, a mastery of excuses that she had come up with to make the blow of each mistake and wrong turn a bit more tolerable. It was logical and fair for her, especially when moments like these arose.

Her hand placed against the door, letting it creak slightly for a last chance to sway her mind and to crawl back into bed. That was the craving for physicality now blooming back in her lungs, making the air sour as it touched wood instead of flesh. She had just spent a night looming about the body of a man made up of nothing other than disappointment, and yet she wanted nothing more than for him to beg to bring her back. It was sick, the need for touch, almost as sick as the dissociating rambling skull between her eyes. And with what little patience she had left in herself, she let the door swing its last break. But, just as it usually went, the man only grunted before rolling over, making the sinking grotesque sensation in her gut wavered longer.

“The end justifies the means,” her voice muttered lowly before she spoke a bit louder, her voice having a fading shake to it. “The end justifies the means.”

#athoria accepted