#*worst to consciously do

[scalproie]

Domesticated Post-Tekken 2 Era Kazuya is my favorite to think about because this would be so good for him and everyone else but he would have an absolutely miserable time during it

#like I dont think he would REALLY miss the rich ceo lifestyle bc i dont see it as smth he ASPIRES to but as a means to give himself power #if you (jun) somehow manage to convince him that he does not actually NEED power then i think hes adaptable enough to ajust to a humble life #and the whole being rich thing fed into his worst traits #but I think being close to jun all the time would be torture for him bc he would CONSTANTLY be confronted to his own faulty morality #he cant help feeling above other common people bc he endured much more pain and hardships at 5yo than them in a lifestyle- #but he cannot act on his superiority complex about them bc Its Not The Right Thing To Do #he looks at his newborn son and feel *nothing* before feeling frustration and irritation toward *himself* #bc hes smart enough to know he SHOULD be feeling smth #and if he relunctantly admit this to jun she would tell him that if the best he can do (for now) is to not wish or do any harm on jin- #then it is good enough and he should not beat himself up about it (which he doesnt. but he does) #and even jun. she is another person he could lose and he knows deep down he would be happier without her #but being near her bring back to life smth that died years ago at the bottom of that cliff #and he wont admit it but hes scared to lose it again. even if right now its brings him nothing but discomfort and pain #hes not even sure if he *loves* her. and when he asks her whats in it for her. why she stays with him #(not out of self-consciousness but genuine confusion) she just smiles at him because he IS considering the feelings of someone else #like she is so understanding and he genuinely does try and its a really slow healing process #hes still gonna stay a little bit of a prick smug at times but at least he will be immensely more chill out #and even maybe fall in love with jun *jun* down the line. characters that fall in love with each other years into the relationship👍 #and his whole exploration of fatherhood with jin. him vaguely recalling smth nice jinpachi (or god forbid. HEIHACHI pre-cliff) did to him #and doing the same to jin out of the blue for the sake of experimentation #and jin's positive reaction making him FINALLY AT LAST feel some tiny tiny thing for his son. #also for all her tree-hugger talk. jun is right meditating in the forest DOES help kaz a lot #anyway. yeah👍 #tagging later #tekken

[dwtdog]

george could have a backbone and acknowledge his actions and apologise and not try to get out of it and then i’d see some redeem-ability for him

i’ll never be able to fully hate them but fandom won’t forgive and i can’t blame them at all. best case scenario they accept the death of “fandom” and continue yt for casual fans

yep my thoughts exactly. i find it very hard to see ANYONE as irredeemable, although i do think people who are abusive don't deserve audiences where they have access to vulnerable fans

#at the moment i find it hard to condemn drm or sap #with everything out in the open it still feels like their worst crimes r being grgs friends #to me. it seems like he made a terrible terrible mistake #and theres nothign he can do to fix it except improve himself and do all he can to help the women he affected #it really does come down to him owning up to it and consciously changing #and before i get called a hypocrite #id say the same thing about ccs like wilbur- they can improve #but that doesnt mean they should have an #audience #idk im still trying to sort out all my thoughts honestly #open to discussion just pls be kind this is a sensitive subject for me #cw abuse #cq.asks

[designernishiki]

okay hot take time with tumblr user designernishiki yet again.

i really don’t get the hype over majimako like. at all. I’ve tried to wrap my head around it but every time I just end up so confused how it’s such a popular pairing and wondering if we played the same game like?? they had no chemistry, barely even knew each other (and what they did know of each other was almost entirely built off desperate traumabonding) and people treat the pairing like it’s the most deep, romantic thing in the world despite there being like. nothing there. at least romantically speaking. it’s honest to god baffling to me.

their most iconic “romantic” image together comes from a scene where makoto wants to fucking run away from him because she wants to find lee, who she fully trusts and who’s in danger (and probably also because majima’s literally just admitted to initially planning to murder her.) and he has to hold her there so she doesn’t get herself killed by running (literally) blindly into the street or something. how on earth is that a romantic scene.

their little sort-of date consists of majima being kind and sympathetic to her, sure, maybe even displaying some surface level feelings, but she’s completely preoccupied because of the massively important issues going on at the time with the lieutenants who wronged tachibana, she’s more or less probably plotting their deaths in her head during that scene, and in the end she purposefully has him run to get takoyaki so she can flat out Leave without him stopping her. because she has other priorities and is Not In The Headspace For A Soft Sentimental Escapade to say the absolute least.

Whatever they were, they were not In Love, they didn’t have time or circumstances for that, or to get to know one another as Actual People rather than as incidental liferafts in the midst of a sea of traumatic, nightmarish events. majima attached himself to her and felt strongly about her safety and eventual return to normalcy because she reminded him of himself and wanted her to have the pleasant civilian life he couldn’t give himself. on her end? honestly I don’t think she felt that connected to him at all up until the end, namely up until when he fixed her watch. and even then “romantic” is not even close to the word id use for what she was feeling– in fact I think that waters it down, if anything. I mean like fuck she was there bringing flowers to her brother’s grave in the spot where he died in front of her i really don’t think this was about romanticism, it was about compassion and selflessness and wishing her good luck in her new, free life, while expecting nothing from her in return. he cared about her and her outcome in life deeply and this would be the case regardless of any romantic feelings for her.

Anyway I didn’t mean for this to turn into an essay and somehow I could go on for longer but I absolutely do not need to. I just. am so secure in my thoughts about this and sometimes seeing how people talk about this relationship and it’s supposed deep romanticism makes me feel like I’m losing my mind or played a completely different game or something ngl. don’t get me wrong, ship whatever you want I’m not saying it’s problematic or something it’s just. bizarre to me how popular and sensationalized it is. and a little frustrating how applying this overdramatic romantic narrative to them can so often water down a dynamic that’s way more nuanced and interesting on an individual character level.

#long post #rambling #it drives me a little insane. can you tell #I don’t know man #sometimes I really feel like a lot of people just like it because it makes majima seem more Normal and Less Fruity #not saying everyone is like that #but #I do think a large portion of the hype comes from this mindset consciously or not #and if I wanna get Real spicy for a second. I think the insinuation that he somehow developed feelings for her after knowing her for like #less than a week and only in the worst possible situations was written in as a way to- at least somewhat intentionally- #provide an excuse for why majima’s relationships with women in future years either crumble horribly (mirei) or he doesn’t take any #genuine interest in pursuing them at All. it helps to be able to point at shiyawase nara iiya and go look! he’s Like That because he’ll #always only have feelings for makoto! there’s definitely not anything fruity going on with him at all and he’s definitely not been #into his close male companion for possibly entire Decades #and what’s annoying is that this strategy. if it was. in fact. a strategy. worked pretty well #people really do think he’s been romantically hung up on her for years and that’s the sole reason he doesn’t pursue any women #(sans mirei but that’s. a whole different discussion. and obviously did not work out very well.) #but anyway #yeah #fun fact this pairing is the only tag I have filtered on tumblr like. period. fhfjfjdjdjdj #I KNOW that’s petty of me and like I said there’s nothing like morally Wrong with it or something it just. annoys me. #and I’m gonna be real since I’m dumping all this here anyway. every time I see an alternate timeline pic of them where they’re like. a #Normal Couple with a Normal Life and majima is a Normal Guy i physically recoil i just. i hate it dude i really do #like agshdhfhdhdh majima’s development into who he is hinges SO MUCH on embracing and accepting the fact that he’s not Normal and will never #be Normal and that’s okay– in fact that’s great in its own way because he doesn’t have to fit into a mold and can explore whatever #eccentricities and hobbies and parts of an identity he wants to create. for better or for worse. y0 majima still clings onto hope that he #has the capability for ‘normalcy’ and he sees that potential in makoto. but eventually has to come to terms with that not being an option #for him. and he mourns it at first but is quick to take advantage of the freedom that comes with that realization. and etc etc etc. it’s so #important to him as a character and such a big queer theme as well and I hateeeeeee when people erase it in favor of ‘but what if he was #Normal and not a Freak.’ bdhxhffjbfb I ran out of tags so I need to shut up fr fr

[wikipediary]

Don’t wanna be ‘friends’ (using this term extremely loosely) with this one girl i’m in the same cohort/course with…her belief system + the way she perceives other people and the world is so…i cannot think of a better word so: SHUDDERING. but she’s friends with my circle of cohort/friends so she’ll always be in my circle…?

#she cheated with her ex when her ex already had a new girlfriend and she didn’t feel any remorse at all #she justified her cheating by saying sex is just sex w/her ex & that she wanted her ex’s gf (which she hasn’t even met or known) to feel the #(same things she did hurt; betrayed; cheated on) and i’m like. you’re a fucking cheater? that’s so horrible for you to do? #you don’t even know this girl? she came to be with ur ex in an appropriate way? wdym she deserves to be cheated on because you did… #BY ANOTHER MAN? not even this specific ex? #literally so insane. and she’s like: im going to therapy blah blah blah but clearly you lack the respect and consciousness #me and my friend who listened to her said that she should confess that they cheated with each other to the poor girl but she’s like… #‘not my business’ uhm the fuck it is? you were a third party. and saying that the boy should be the one confessing…uhm WHY NOT U BOTH? #and their relationship (ex and girl) CONTINUED even after the fact and they broke up only recently (early march) and idk if the girl knew #like. truly. i’ve never met someone so incredibly…vile? i guess? what’s a better word for it 😭 #and what’s also so inappropriate about her is that she has like a bf and she keeps droning on about her ex like rent free in her mind #keeps flirting w other men; looking at them and saying she has crushes and all that and want to make a move. like. YOU HAVE A BF? #i don’t wanna be near someone like that. and what’s unfortunate is my close friend is close with her so i’m a ‘friend’ BY association #and that friend of mine also can’t disentangle herself from her bec she’s her first ever friend in uni lmao. so there’s sentimentality there #& we talked abt this w each other; how disappointing it was for her to be like that. and how my friend feels she’s complacent in being okay #with cheating (but she’s not) and i’m like…ugh. #probably one of the worst people i’ve ever met i’m so sorry to say that genuinely. when i’m with her in a grp (i NEVER hang out w her alone) #i feel like my principles r being hijacked and violated and being engulfed by something i’ve kept myself away from lol

[hella1975]

omg that tams update fucking INCREDIBLE I adore the role reversal of azulas hope in the avatar and zukos skepticism it makes me ache so much in my heart

also this is now me just gushing about how I love your characterization for the fire siblings just in an overall general sense, like I know it's probably not purposeful the autistic traits I get out of them, that really IS just how they are whether I read into it deeper or not lmao, BUT I STILL ADORE IT MORE THAN ANYTHING ESP FROM YOUR WRITING. LIKE YOU JUST GET IT SO MUCH I LOVE IT. Taking everything from social interactions at face value Zuko and responding very honestly abt it paired with very aware of everything Azula who expresses emotional attachments differently than others are my BELOVEDS thank you for them

im gonna be honest azula in particular ive mentioned a couple times in the tams outline that she's definitely got Something going on and it's v much the same canonically imo. like at the very least she's low-empathy but i definitely lean towards neurodivergent hcs with her and i think tams in particular highlights that (you'll understand later but to summarise briefly without spoilers we get a real recurring thing with azula of her treading on toes/hurting feelings without meaning to and getting very confused and not understanding social cues. it's written in her pov as her just not being used to being around so many people/people who aren't zuko when she's a low-empathy person anyway, but it can definitely be interpreted as autism). zuko also leans into this if you want him to but it's definitely azula i've focused it on

#tams azula breaks my heart bc she's actually trying so hard to be good and do the good thing but you worded it perfectly #she doesnt express emotions in the way people are used to and it gets misinterpreted bc people assume the worst out of her #like even last chapter there was a brief moment of it where she tried to ask aang something 'casually' #but she sounded demanding/interrogatory instead and she doesnt MEAN to and she gets so frustrated with herself #like i put a lot of myself into her bc im self-aware of myself to notice every single thing i do and how it's interpreted #but im also pretty low-empathy so a lot of my responses are like. constructed? i have whole identity crises about this actually #like on bad nights i will convince myself that every single part of my personality is consciously manufactured #and nothing i do is authentic lol. and azula has a LOT of that bc none of my characters are free from my problems #like she has to look at a situation and go 'okay now we're gonna be casual' or 'now we're gonna be sad bc they're telling a sad story' #like has to instruct herself bc it doesn't come naturally. and obviously bc it's not 'authentic' it doesnt always come out right #and people notice that it's not legit and it creates problems but she's really just trying very hard #OUGH i love her. anywayyyyy #ask #tams asks

[calamitydaze]

they’re so miserable because they get angry when ccs aren’t perfect and/or don’t do what they want. And so they channel that into creating conspiracies and finding double meanings in everything every cc says or does. They throw a fit and harass ccs when lore doesn’t go their way and then also throw a fit when ccs don’t want to do lore. They say irl situations are serious and then treat them unseriously by inserting themselves into it. They can’t look at the world with nuance so they have to claim one person is the source of all evil and everyone else is actually good but is being manipulated, or is young and confused.

anon you're spitting with this one i don't even have anything to add it's just correct

#obviously not all of these are true for every person etc etc and if the shoe doesn't fit don't get mad at me #but overall...... yeah this has been the vibe i get #and i don’t think people do it consciously they’re not TRYING to make their experience terrible and see the worst in everything #but it’s absolutely what’s been happening #bella answers #anon

[datastate]

do people truly not understand that being tied, by blood, to asunaro is like. one of the worst fates someone can have. it’s intrinsically a tragedy; and writing this out doesn’t immediately intend to inspire sympathy...

#mama mia... #jestersvaguely #yttdposting #i have my own view of hiyori and it's not an especially kind one but you Have to understand the affect asunaro has. it's an expansive #organization and is deeply controlling of its agents... #a lot of the respect you earn is through the devotion/loyalty you display. that's why kai was condemned to be executed #and probably why hinako and hiyori - at least in part - act like That. for their respective fields within the organization #they excel not only for that validation but for their survival and to sustain the curiosity toward morbid subjects #that asunaro intentionally gears itself to... #hiyori is fucked up. he's abusive. he's manipulative. he disregards life for his own curiosity as a researcher. #whereas michiru acts only when she knows the recipient is a lost cause; hiyori admires life as its captured moment by moment #and he intends to test its ability in the worst ways possible. but that's what asunaro WANTS. that's what asunaro IS #kai is NOT part of asunaro. not consciously. not anymore. he is an outlier - but hiyori and gashu arguably embody what asunaro is meant to #be better than ANYONE else; michiru and emiri are recent additions while hiyori and gashu have seniority #emiri is a victim. she was manipulated into joining them bc she had lost her ties to the world she wanted. #michiru's situation wasn't as severe #but she's still retains a much more vulnerable demeanor than is expected of asu-agents; she's more kind than she should be #beyond the order that gashu gave that the participants deserve hospitality... she's doing so much more. #ranger was intentionally unfinished. all that remains are three core agents of asunaro. of course they're fucked up. they're meant to #represent asunaro in all of its aspects. one as the master (meister) the researcher who offered his very life and the one who was raised #within asunaro to EMBODY asunaro. it's so. auuughh #like. to be frank. i hate hiyori. he's not my type of character and he makes me uncomfortable. #but you HAVE to acknowledge asunaro's whole deal before you can write it off as 'they're fucked up' without anything #beyond that to indicate WHY. why has asunaro gone this direction. why is it hereditary (with raising children #for its purposes from a young age; with even sara beginning to realize that ranger was perhaps an heir in kai's stead) #what is gashu and meister's dynamic if meister is indeed mr.c and he purposefully chose to move kai's impending execution to a few years #later and actually give kai a PURPOSE before he died - the simplest mercy that. by all means. kai didn't deserve #IT'S SO. AUGH. there's so much there. and i get the appeal of wanting to just explore fucked up shit but #you can't say 'i want to know why! i want nankidai to elaborate!' without acknowledging that this is inherently going to tie into #manipulation and abuse of the children like kai. did we not see the yts events. good lird

[seafoam-taide]

IM SO NORMAL ABOUT HOUSEWIFE RADIO IM SO NORMAL ABOUT HOUSEWIFE RADIO IM SOOOOOO NORMAL ABOUT HOUEWSWIFE RAIDDIOO

#tide of consciousness #GRHGRRGHRMGMBHABBRHGRHGSDHFHRGHGRHFGSFHHTBHRG #BLACK AND WHITEAND BLAC AND WHIE AND BLACKK AND WHITEAND BLACK AND WHITE AND #!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #the thread comes in tangles i see such pretty things fm comes in different colors i believe in the sewing machine i have lost myself #everyday it feels like seams are more than torn #handsew everything with kind intention............................... #unmistakably. he'll return alive. his colors ought to show again. #blakc and white and black and white and black and whtie and black and white- #no blue and green and yellow and red the radio only plays in #THESE ARENT THE COLORS I SHOULD SEE #memories inside my heart are there to grieve color coded by the love he gave to me #do you understannd me are ayou listening #no you dont understand this probably statistically the people reading this will not understand this #staring at the ones who do though. hi #hhrhhgmsfjksdjfjksdfjhgrmgmmrmmbhahhahahahahhahahahhHAHHAH!H!H!HH!H!H! #this is the worst post ive eer made ever im posting it. woe post be upon ye

[waywardfeathered]

waking up to a friend getting anon hate and thinking about how often i see that even just on the dash and what the fuck is people's problem? but also my god i feel fortunate in that i have gotten like one single (1) proper anon hate in my tumblr rpc time, and i've been on this platform since 2013. i wish the same were true for you all

#; outofgrace #it was when someone randomly called me a 'bitter cunt' on my multi #and to this day i have no idea what prompted it and it amused me #i hadn't posted any negativity anytime recently then #and honestly when i do i consciously try to convey any salty thoughts softer/kinder #than i do on say twitter #i could see why someone would call me that on twitter #but tumblr rpc?! #but yes that was funny and i've just somehow never had any super shitty rpc experiences #the worst is literally been chill agreeing ooc to part ways because clashing kindsa stuff #negativity cw

[padfootastic]

sometimes i read the stuff i’ve written and it’s a wonder anyone even engages with the word vomit lmao

#like. i don’t mean the fic stuff #but the tumblr asks and rambles and vents and such #i used the word different 3 times in one sentence in the last one #and how much i use like and literally and weird words like hitherto or insofar #like do u see that. it’s either this extreme end or that one #and the worst part it. this is how i speak irl too 😭😭 #nothing makes sense. everything is stream of consciousness. brevity? don’t know her #genuinely makes me appreciate people who read that stuff and/or the tags sm #bc someone’s i’m doing it and going ‘wtf am i trying to say?? this is a whole lotta words for nothing’ #sometimes* #pen’s whining

[powdermelonkeg]

Important rules/tips I've learned as an adult that helped with anxiety

If people are mad at you, it's their responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess

If they're mad at you in secret anyways, they're the ones in the wrong, not you

If people don't like what you're doing, it's their responsibility to tell you

If they say it's fine when it's really not, they're the ones in the wrong, not you

People are allowed to be wrong about you

If they are wrong about you, wait for them to bring it up, because if you try to, you will inevitably overcorrect

Some people are committed to misunderstanding you. You will not win arguments against them. Yes, even if you explain your point of view. They do not care. Drop it

The worst thing that will happen from a first-time offense is being told not to do it again. Maybe with a replacement if you broke something

You can improve relationships and gauge willingness to talk to you by giving compliments. It's like a daily log-in bonus and nobody thinks twice about it

Most things are better after you sleep on them

Most things are better after you have a meal

Most things are better after you shower

Your brain makes up consequences that are irrational. If the worst DOES come to pass and someone acts like they do in your head, they are overreacting, and you are entitled to say "what the fuck"

If your chest hurts after you feel like you've made a social error, that's called rejection-sensitive dysphoria. It means your anxiety is so bad that it's causing you physical pain, which is a good indicator that you're overreacting. Tense yourself, hold it for 20 seconds, let it go, then find a distraction

If you're suddenly angry at someone after you feel like you made a social error, that's also rejection-sensitive dysphoria. You are going to feel annoyed about it for awhile, but being genuinely pissed off is your anxiety trying to find something to blame to take the responsibility off your shoulders, and getting scared because it can't justify itself. Deep breaths, ask yourself how much you ACTUALLY want to be angry at that person, then find a distraction

"Sour grapes" is more healthy for you than stewing. Deciding you don't like someone who's perpetually annoyed with you, won't talk to you, etc. makes letting go of anxiety over them easier

If people don't like you, they will find reasons to be annoyed with you when they otherwise wouldn't. If people do like you, they will find reasons NOT to be annoyed with you when they otherwise would. People do not ping-pong between the two

You DO have to make a conscious choice not to think about something. If you're having trouble circling back to it, say out loud that you're done thinking about it and why. Then find a distraction

When you're upset, part of you is going to want to make false bids for attention (suddenly texting differently, heavy sighs, etc. but when someone asks you about it, you tell them it's nothing). Do not listen to it. You gain nothing from it except more misery

People like to help people they care about. It makes them feel good about themselves

If you think you're insufferable for needing help, see above. Yes, really. They get a serotonin kick from it

If you think you're insufferable for mannerisms you have, you either have to consciously choose not to do them, or accept that they're part of the package that comes with you. Being apologetic about existing does nothing except make you more miserable

If you do things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it makes it easier to do them when you hate it

If you avoid things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it reinforces and magnifies how bad it feels when you hate it

Seriously. Read those last two points again. If you can make yourself make a phone call when you've got nothing to lose, you will slowly lose that panic you get when you have to make a phone call you haven't prepared for. You do have to CONSCIOUSLY take that step

Hobbies that make you care for something get rid of that nagging feeling that you're not doing enough. Go grow some rosemary

If you don't engage with your hobbies regularly, you will feel miserable, and anxiety will spike

Hobbies are things that give you a bit of happiness. They do not have to be organized or named to do that. Go be creative in something. Play with coins. Make up lists. Start a new WIP

No one cares what you look like

If people point out things they don't like about how you look unprompted, they are being rude. You are entitled to say "what the fuck"

People who like you will find you pretty to some degree. Minor things about your appearance go completely unnoticed. Literally, scars and dots and blemishes do not register to someone who likes your company

You looking at yourself in the mirror is 10x more closely than anyone is going to look at you

If you're anxious about your body type, and you're creatively inclined, make/write an oc with that same shape. Give them nice things and make other characters love them. Put them on adventures. You'll start to see yourself in the mirror more kindly

You care about wording and perfect lines/colors way more than anyone who views your work ever will

Sometimes when you're upset, you're going to feel like not eating. Do not do that. Not eating makes you more miserable

Same with things you normally enjoy. Denying yourself helps no one. You are punishing yourself for being sad. Stop it

Both of these will take conscious decision to break the habit of. Make yourself do it anyways, and it will slowly get easier

And again, to reiterate: If someone is mad at you, it is THEIR responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess

#anxiety #long post #i have been an adult for the better part of a decade and it has gotten SO much easier as i internalized these #swearing tw

[aquaticaberration]

I always feel weird bringing up new things to my therapist because

a) I feel like it just comes out of nowhere to her so I worry that she might think I'm making something up, and if I push that it'll become something that bites me in the ass in the future

b) those things have become such a regular part of my life that I just don't think of them as problems even though they sometimes cause such problems that I keep internalized very well

and c) my depression has overshadowed so much of what I deal with that everything else just pales in comparison, which is part of the problem and why I worry a bit about recovery because it might unlock a lot of other issues like how digging reveals fossils except it's trauma and various mental health issues I've pushed down to be able to function

#like how am i supposed to convey to her like insistent intrusive thoughts about harming myself and others #and that most days these thoughts are a constant stream beneath my usual anxiety stream of consciousness and suicidal ideation #or like how sometimes my high energy days don't have as much of the depression to temper it so I end up spending money i don't have #without caring about the fact that i'm already living paycheck to paycheck #i don't sleep or eat much (not that i eat much now) and everything in my brain is too fast and the world is so sharp #it's not as bad as when i was younger but it's still a problem #and that i can't control decisions because the calmer and more rational part of my mind has just shut off without warning #i'll follow every impulse without question #fortunately i don't go out or do things so my brain has a very limited scope of 'impulse' but still #it feels like she focuses so much on the depression because i cried during the first 3 sessions because i hate being vulnerable #the depression isn't the worst problem anymore it's settled it lives here now it tells me to kill myself and i tell it to get new material #the problem is everything else

[sortanonymous]

This is a comment I stumbled upon a while ago and I just can't stop thinking about that fact. And honestly, it's the main reason I just don't really believe in an afterlife. (It doesn't plague me with dread or anything, it's just something eerie that fascinates, yet unsettles and unnerves me.) Every bit of our consciousness and very existence is dependent on just electrochemistry. Everything that makes you you is from how those chemicals and electricity work and react to everything. All those electric and chemical reactions like a computer. It is amazing how they come together to make us such complex humans. And yet, when a computer completely dies, nothing's left of the data locally. So it makes perfect sense that once that electrochemistry breaks badly enough, that's it. No more thoughts, no more dreams, no more being. You cease to exist forever, and you don't even realize it. Just like you were never conceived. Again, it doesn't dog me down or anything, it's just so unnerving yet bizarrely fascinating to me in its sheer finality. And of course, given how unlikely it is for us to get that chance at existence, may as well make the most of it instead of dwelling on how it ends. Because why waste such powerful electricity and chemicals like that?

#existential thoughts #existence #consciousness #i don't even know what i'm doing posting this #existential rambles #i just hope when i die it's after i've lived long and either in my sleep or before i can even realize anything's happening #one of if not my worst fear is the idea dying slowly and knowing that my existence is ending (especially young) #basically if it ever came down to it (although i sure hope not) i'd rather go down sniped than knifed #whenever it does all end though i just hope it's whenever i'm feeling happy or satisfied however the circumstances #and also once i've done everything i've REALLY wanted to do that is feasible #anyways sorry to suddenly drop this existential ramble on you #your regularly scheduled sortanonymous silliness should be back on soon #tw death #cw death #cw: death #no afterlife

[buysomecheese]

I feel like. The uterus and related organs. Are designed incredibly poorly.

#like wtf do you mean I have an issue with my hormones so I get surprise attacked by #PAIN OVARIAN CYST ANXIETY ATTACK DEEP TRANSGENDER SADNESS MORE PAIN BARFING CONSTANT NAUSEA PAIN PAIN AND FAINTING W/O LOSS OF CONSCIOUSNESS #followed by months of just normal nausea #not even a period no bleeding no nothing no issues at all #and then boom. #WORST PAIN YOU’VE EVER FELT IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE YOU CAN’T WALK OR THINK IT’S JUST PAIN. NO PAIN MEDS THEY MAKE YOU THROW UP JUST PAIN. #BLOOD CLOTS IN YOUR PEE ALSO YOU NEED TO PEE TWICE AN HOUR BECAUSE A CYST AGAINST YOUR BLADDER!!!!!! #what the fuck is this about #like this is bullshit if I walk for too long I feel like I’m gonna fall over if I sit for too long I feel like I’m gonna collapse in pain #my legs won’t stop twitching they Hurt!!! #anyways I’m like fine probably I just gotta Get On Testosterone and stop having cysts and stop having a uterus #this is really poor design though like wtf why was this decided as the most efficient body design

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

Had a follow up about the elevated platelets in my blood earlier (theyve stayed the same slightly elevated level so he's not concerned)

Thankfully my pulse wasn't so fast this time that it made the nurse stop and go "uhhhhh are you ok? No chest pains or anything?" Like it was last time lol

#she still commented on it tho #i promise im not dying i just dont like hospitals #also last time i had the labs after the main appointment so i also had the anticipation of having to get blood drawn #labs were first this time #so id gotten past the worst of it #but now i wanna know how fast it is normally #cuz i dont feel all that different #it was like 120 this time #i domt remember how high it was last time #i do know its usually pretty high in general when im out of the house #one time i was at dave and busters with my friends and we were playing this zombie shooting game that had a heart rate monitor #and my friend saw how high my pulse was and was like “are you scared????” and i was like ''what??? no???'' #''your pulse is so high????'' ''oh. i dont think its any higher than before we started playing.'' #''?????????????your pulse is that high normally????????????'' #im just out here making everybody Concerned™️ about my fast pulse #lots of ''damn bitch you live like this???'' type reactions #my whole personality is summed up by the ''this is fine'' meme #i blame the alexithymia #i know i must be stressed #but i dont consciously feel the stress #so it doesnt occur to me to do anything to combat the stress #the only reason im aware of it in the hospital cuz ive almost fainted there several times #and ive always had anxiety around drs #unfortunately theyre probably gonna test my blood every time i have check ups now :') #ive found the secret to not feeling lightheaded afterwards tho so that makesnit significantly better #theres a reason i didnt donate blood at the blood drive in highschool #one of my friends that did it thought he got sent home afterwards cuz he passed out #he did not #cuz we walked to the busses after school that day #he remembers nothing from that day after he donated blood lol

[kimmkitsuragi]

not to be like waah waaaah im so upset about my life while i have a nice and good life in general compared to so many people here but. i still feel like the art piece "here's the life i've always longed for". i keep thinking about my father almost crying talking to me on the phone at the election night. he kept saying he doesnt want me to feel like this country's fate is my only choice, and my life will not be ruined by these terrible people. but it feels like that sometimes. a lot of times actually. and i mean im trying to do things to change it really. but also im not trying hard enough. i get mad at myself for that. then i am mad that i live in a reality where i have to try so fucking just to have a chance of living in a decent reality. and what if i cant do it... i have to try harder i really have to apply myself i dont want to be a disappointment and a regret for my future self. i hope she is in a safe and beautiful place, not here. anywhere but here. please.

#yeah i cried while typing this keep scrolling #the thing is sometimes i think im just exaggerating everything in my head like. what's the worst that can happen right #but the truth is #I'm really really scared for this country's future. i dont know how bad it can be but it is already not good and still going worse #so. i dont think we are reaching when we panic about our future everyday #I know this is because I'm likely severely mentally ill but i cant live with this some days #the normal thing is obviously just. continuing to live #but the fact is that all this shit we've been going thru in the last year (before too. but especially 2023) #have pushed me to the point i was having panic attacks everyday lmao so like. yeah i guess it is fair that i want to gtfo of here #so compared to how ive been im really better #but still i dont apply myself the way i should. and it feels so bad because so many ppl worse off than me are pushing for their survival #everyday while im like waaaah wah i cant focus oh how will i get out of this country oh poor me wah :( lmao #girllll just work on it just do the things u must do. okay this whole post got way out of focus im just #writing my messed up steam of consciousness at this point idk #but. i cant help but say it's hard it's so hard to live everyday for me it's so hard to breathe sometimes #and i know that's a *me* problem. if i was not like this i could do so much #I should be doing so much #to get the life i want for myself. but it's so hard. i hope i wont die unhappy and full of regret #neg #🗒 #okay i dont even remember what i wrote here exactly but it's probably the saddest post I've done in a long time #dont know if anyone actually reads it it's so embarrassing when i think abt it 👍 i dont even know where this came from #it's not even a Bad day