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sampsonstorm-critical · 8 months

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Alright, so ive got something to point out about Vivs writing in HB. Almost all of the antagonists are BITCHY "conventonally perfect looking"Women. I just realized this.

Examples

- Verosika Mayday

- Mother Martha

- Stella

- Queen Bee

- The 13 year old girls at the camp...again "13 YEAR OLD GIRLS"

- NOTE - most men are NOT antagonists unless they are related to the characters like Crimson or Pieman. The only antagonist there who is a "conventially attractive" male is Striker.

- NOTE - all the female characters especially, in HB are shallow, one sided, cardboard cutouts. (so are the males, but at least they have "interesting" backstories. The women antagonists are also being made fun of for having adictions. As someone who has a mother who abused me because of alcohol abuse, (i still love her and care about her, and she still loves and cares about me, shes the only one whos ever helped me in my family and will give you the shirt off her back) and has a father who was just diagnosed woth liver failure, this IS NOT A JOKE. Like alright, you wanna have your characters IN CHARACTER insult somone that way. Fine. That is fine, because you are establishing a character. But if you are going to take your story or tour characters serious in any sense of the word, you need to adress said character flaws, and give the insulter consequences.

- NOTE - the show is RIFE with sexism. Like daaamn. The amount of time i hear someone called "Tits" or "Tittyhaver" , or the amount of times i see the show just shitting on women is appalling, and dude. Like im not a "feminist". I have plenty of Male Ocs. In fact i have more men than women for personal reasons. (Said personal reason are below. )

SPONTANIOUS BACKSTORY ON ME AND AN OLD COWRITTER- (im trans/butch and i improv my stories with my fiance. its how we build the foundation and the details of our stories. Once upon a time ago, i had a male cowritter who was ....um.....well, a male vivziepop. He would have his characters molest the female characters as a joke, make them make racist, sexist, ableist jokes and remarks, but then the characters would get no consequences and wouldnt grow. He had a female oc who was a sexual assault victim but of course was also a bad ass fem fatale with her tits out and a "she got her sexxy back" attitude. And all of his male characters were sad uwu boys who always had their gf wifus explaining to the characters why they were just "troubled" Sound familiar? Ive worked with this exact type of cowritter, type of writter Vivzipop is. It wasnt fun. And what sucks, is, the comedy was great. We had alot of great laughs, i wont lie. But the problem at the end of the day was my cowritter just wasnt mature, and lacked the life experience or just didnt care about how to handle the content he wanted to create. He just wanted an imaginary playground to play in and truely live vicariously through his ocs. Now hes playing dnd everyday, after he abandoned his real life and his real friends because real life got too hard. )

NOTE - Vivzie, the amount of incest related jokes and implications are concerning at this point. I mean the show is 18 plus, right? Well the first "sex scene" we get and its an incest joke, IN FRONT OF CHILDREN, DONE BY WHAT THE CHILDREN PERCEIVE TO BE CHILDREN. that IS NOT funny! (i was also sexually groomed by two friends fathers, one who engaged in oncestual abuse to both his kids!) NOT FUNNY MAN. Not at all. Oh not to mention Barbie Wire. Damn talk about a serious disappointment.

NOTE - Also can we adress that Asmodeus seems to be black coded and hes a lustful demon, whos dressed like a pimp... And Vortex, the only pther black characters is a Hell hound, litterally a being who was kept in a cage until "adopted" or thrown out!

CONCLUSION - Theres is SO MUCH more, but Spindlehorse NEEDS to "think before they act!" and watch what theyre putting out there. They need to check their scripts, check their drafts, and check their final product BEFORE putting animated trash tv out in the open. Kids are watching this. Granted theyre not supposed to. But theyr ARE watching. You know how many kids (teens) are gonna get into relationships and think that this is ok? That abuse is ok, it just quirky. Spindlehorse is going to create a whole new generation of traumatized, confused, and toxic young people (im 26!) and i cant believe im saying this; The FCC was created so people like Vivian Madrano cant release grabage media like this, and expose young people who cant actually grasp the sensitive content, to its toxic after effects.

I WAS A FAN. I was so excited for Hazbin when the pilot dropped. It was a little shakey but what indie pilot wasnt back then? I liked the first season of Helluva. Some of the episodes were a miss like Spring Broken (sexual assault and addiction is not a joke) and the Cherub Episode. But the first episode was a good set up, again other than the "ill fuck you and your wife" joke. Loo Loo land came too early. We didnt know Stolas long enough or Octavia. Season 2 is BAD. The writting is bad. Characters are BAD. Direction is BAD. And by that i mean, the dialoge is horrid, the characters are poorly written and their traits are not being kept up with or are being missed or sidetracked for pLoT rEaSoNs, yuck. The direction? there is no direction. The pitch bible was BAD too. The only thing i liked about season 2 was the Moxxy mafia backstory flashback. It was ACTUALLY sinister and the mood hit for once. It was good. A flash of what the show could have been. Aaaaand they ruined it with bouncing dicks....yaaaay...

Also for anyone who wants to call me a homophobe. IM A BUTCH LESBIAN IN A 10 year HAPPY common law relationship. My best friend is NB and i have a LESBIAN SISTER. so fuck off and just accept the fact. The show in its entirety is just bad. It had potential, but because the writters behind the scenes are just immature, insensitive, hollywood wannabe, jackasses the show will never get to where it couldve gone. It went the opposite way. And its sad. Its sad that THIS is the prime example for adult animated show writting. Talk about a bad impression in the community of art, animation, and for young aspiring artist who have actual talent and who truely came from nothing. This isnt a rags to riches story. This is a selfish privlaged girl got money handed to her and she squandered it completely all while making indie artists "look like a fucking joke" (am i right Vagie?) I want Hazbin to be good. I want it to be SO BAD. Im hoping it will be with some studio oversight. ....but im doubtful.

Anyway! Hope you enjoyed my angry rant! GNight 😊

#helluva critical #helluva criticism #helluva critique #anger #rage #trash tv

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subterra-rose · 2 years

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for the character ask game; Raine >:3 (from toh) and all the numbers!! 👀

RAINE MY BELOVED (Took out the questions that didnt pertain to them or were similar LOL)

1- Favourites thing(s) about this character?

Diagnosed with band kid disorder

2- What song(s) remind you of this character?

I got nothing queen, I will look through my playlists one day https://youtu.be/sn1kW_hYe0k

3- Do you like this character?

Raine my beloved pt 2 (yes)

4- Would you write about this character? I do in fact have a Raeda fic but I probably wont publish it bc I dont like it anymore LOL

5- What do you not like about this character? I think Raine is a pretty good character overall, most of my quips are because the series got shortened so I wouldnt really say its stuff I dislike rather than I wouldve liked it expanded upon?

6- Favourite thing this character has said?

"I don't know what youre running from, but a great witch once told me something about... punching fears in the face?" Classic

7- What do you like most about this character?

I like that Raine is protective of Eda BUT is still flawed in how they go about it, it really shows that yeah they do love each other but their communication is lacing and its just? idk very interesting to me

8- Do you think this character is underrated or overrated?

Uhhhh idk? I follow a lot of Raine fans but I feel like underrated bc when I go into other spaces I see people complain about them being forced diversity or smth lol

9- What’s your favourite headcanon(s) for this character? Raine is NOT a morning person but can save face if they have to. They also play some kind of woodwind instrument but you know, kind of hard to cast if you have to maintain proper breathing posture while in combat LOL

10- Who do you like to ship with this character? (If you do of course) Is it another character from the cast or is it an OC? Raeda is really it tbh?

11- Who do you not like to ship with this character?

Eh im whatever, as long as it not weird

12- Have you read any fics about this character? (if it’s not an OC)? Can you recommend anything good? I have but I didnt save any of them RIP

14- What outfit would you really like to see this character wear? Or what’s your favourite outfit of theirs? I love that one outfit Dana drew them in with the BATTs

16- What do you think would improve this character? Like, character-arc wise? I wish Raine was introduced earlier? I guess we had hints in S1 to them but still lol

17- Have you ever had a crush on this character…? Thats between me, God, and my moots who follow my twitter

18- What’s something you associate this character with? E.g. a certain colour, object or scenery?

I love flower symbolism so I associate heliotrope and snapdragons with Raine, as well as intricate gold designs and mahogany wood lol

19- What would the show/book/movie be like if this character wasn’t present? (if it’s not an OC) I mean like.... half the plot with the Day of Unity would be different if Raine was present, plus some of Eda's backstory would retconned jkghjfdsg

21- Wild card! Talk about anything to do with this character! Anything at all! Raine pls answer my calls I have feelings for u

#asks #ask games #catt-crossing #Sorry Catt I have no brain power today so you get bare minimum responses ghfdskg

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blackvail22 · 7 months

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9/25/23

10:25am -

i just had my first appointment with my new psychiatrist? i think thats the word. i got diagnosed with BED (binge eating disorder), and ive been saying for YEARS that i had it, and no one would help me. its been 9 years since i first went to a doctor and told them about my eating habits; they didnt help me. i had an obvious ed, and im glad im finally getting the help i need.

my relationship with food is severely complicated. im obsessed with my weight and the calories im intaking, but i cant stop... binging. and the fact i have fat on my body makes me want to throw up, nd every time i notice it, it makes me feel like my insides are being scratched over and over. my fear of purging is the only reason i dont...

a month ago, i was talking with my counselor, and she asked me if ive ever been screened for adhd. i told her no, but i can tell her yes!! my new doctor did a screening thing for adhd, and i have it. shes referring me to somewhere to get a more in-depth test to see what type of adhd and the severeity of it.

i told my mom all of this, and she seemed upset. i dont understand? shes been so rude to me lately... i mean, she always is.. but it feels like she changed? shes so bitter, and shes being like homophobic 😭😭 out of nowhere LIKE WHAT PROMPTED U TO BE LIKE THIS? i SWEAR on everything, being a chronic facebook user ruined her. she wasnt like this before facebook LMAOO shes so sad. but, all well!

im going to try my best to clean my room again. i NEED to get my shit together!! its so embarrassing how messy it is. i have to focus on doing it. i have to do it today; i have no choice!!

10:17pm

news flash: i didnt clean my room. whos surprised? im going to try and get it together before i go to bed because i have to... i have or else ill feel like im letting my boyfriend down lol

yk idk why but being friends and flirting w somsone is so much different than dating them. its insane!

i didnt mention this before but im being put on a different medication that targets bed and adhd and it also helps depression. i have to do a bunch of testing before i take it, though, because its a controlled substance

im afraid of facing my past. i know that i was a fucked up kid, but seeing HOW fucked up i am is... terrifying. like i read through a few of my old roblox messages and woah!!! i was living a double life, holy shit! obvi... i used a fake name, fake age, and some of the stories i would tell belonged to my sister. ill forever be regretful for the way i was back then... it makes me think, though... did i ever really change?

i had this girlfriend named .... lets call her juju. she lived on the other side of my country, and we met because we both ran fan accts for a youtuber on insta. i became ... obsessive? quickly. i feel sorry for her, but i was 12 and she was nearly 16, so... she easily couldve cut me off once she found out my age lmao. idk, i kept trying to find ways for her and i to meet in person because i was so excited to meet her online. she broke up with me, and i made another instagram and pretended to be someone else for a while.... aka i catfished her. i didnt show her photos of anyone else, just used the name "katrina" like i used to. i got her to talk abt her exes and then she talked abt how she recently broke up w someone and how crazy they were. i knew then that my behavior wasnt normal. i didnt understand the boundaries i was crossing.

am i all that different now? i used his snap maps to see when he's at his dad and when hes at his moms or at school. when i planned on moving down there, i looked for apartments that were nearby his primary home. i attenpted to make an acct to pretend i was someone else and see if he would lie to me abt info abt his life. i didnt finish it.... i got like the ick from myself and was thinking abt how crazy i was.

i try my best to not be ... stalker-like. i wouldnt follow someone throughout their day to see where they are, who theyre with. i wouldnt use it to harm him, and if he didnt want to see me or talk to me, i wouldnt force him to by showing up to his house or texting him off the number i give to weirdos.

im getting tired. its 10:37p now, and i keep like closing my eyes every once and awhile inbetween sections.

i think the last thing i feel i need to rant abt is how i told my dad i have binge eating disorder and for dinner when i told him i didnt care what he got me, HE GOT ME FOOD FOR A FAMILY OF 4. he looked me in the eyes and said, "two cheeseburgers, 16 chicken nuggets, 10 cheese sticks, and a milkshake incase u get hungry later" when he KNOWS i have a habit of eating a lot of food in one sitting.

i feel gross from how much i ate today, and im still wanting to eat more.

being told "u can reverse everything thats wrong w you if u just lost weight!" and then having those same people ENFORCE ur unhealthy eating habits is insane

like, do u rlly want to help me? or do u want to just berate me for the hell of it?

okie song song time

this song is so ... relateable. typical pop song but its so good 2 me

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mentally-ill-and-nd-culture-is · 2 years

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(first of all, im so sorry for using this blog as a place to post this kind of thing. on my main blog, posts like these wouldnt get much attention. this blog, however, has over 2,000 followers and a lot more people who are willing to give input! so, i use this blog for this kind of thing as well. if you dont want to see this content, ill be tagging all posts similar to this as "not culture" in future. i know this is not the kind of blog you'd expect to see content like this, and im sorry, but it's the only place i can think of to ask with a fairly good idea that someone might respond.)

okay so i had this idea to write down a list of what i think might be my "autistic symptoms". im writing this down both to help myself and to ask the people who see this if it seems possible that autism might be worth looking into and talking to a professional about.

obviously im not asking anyone on here to diagnose me, or tell me i do have it. but i am asking autistics to provide input, if theyre willing, to give an indicator on whether it seems like something worth looking into for me, if they relate etc. thank you! the info and symptoms will be under the cut.

its going to be very very long so i'll be impressed if anyone actually reads it haha

first of all, i also do suspect that i have adhd, so keep that in mind as you look through this that some of these might just be adhd symptoms.

1. i have always found it very hard to make friends, and have a skewed idea of what a friend is. for me, introducing myself to people and talking to them feels like a huge task. all my current friends have been introduced to my by first friend that i met at my school, and barely any of them i made myself. when talking to a person, especially the first few times, i feel immense pressure to form the right facial expressions and laugh at the right things. i often have to pay a lot of attention to smiling at the right times and nodding to show im listening.

as for having a skewed idea of what a friend is, i often have a lot of trouble figuring out what friend means. for example, i sit next to this girl in my art class. we talk sometimes, because we are often told to work together on projects. she's nice, and talking to her isnt wildly unpleasant, although i do feel that pressure to smile, laugh, and nod at the right times even though it doesnt come naturally to me. and she does tend to speak in a way that is difficult for my auditory processing issues, but other than that she's pretty nice. however, i wouldnt consider her a friend because well, my standard of a friend involves a lot more than just talking a few times in one class! however, when i talked about how i dont really have any friends in my classes, she seemed offended and asked "what about me?" as if i was supposed to know we were friends. i mean, she never told me, and we've not talked a huge amount. so it kind of confused me why she considered us friends and expected me to know that even without telling me that was how she saw our relationship!

2. i have "samefoods". i heard of this person describing a phenomonon often experienced by autistics, and they called it samefoods. it basically means eating the same food for sensory or routine purposes over and over and over for a prolonged period of time. my most prevalent example of this would be cheese sandwiches. i ate a cheese sandwich every day for the first eight years that i was in school. every single day, the same sandwich. i didnt get sick of it until somewhere during sixth grade, in which i became utterly repulsed by it and ive refused to touch a cheese sandwich ever since. i think it came from the comfort of it being the exact same thing every time. it was part of my routine, and its sameness comforted my sensory issues. i do this with a lot of foods over time, however none have lasted quite that long.

3. related to the last point, "pickiness in eating". i have always, always, always been labelled as a picky eater. i used to think i really just was picky. however ive come to understand that it might not just be that? its possible its due to routine reasons and sensory issues!

4. just??? not understanding social things??? until VERY recently i did not realise that rolling your eyes did not mean literally rolling your eyes in a circle, it is just looking up and then back down??? thats what NTs call eye rolling?? what??? suddenly it makes so much sense why people call me rude when i look at the ceiling so i dont have to make eye contact. anyway, aside from that, i often struggle to grasp why the hell social norms are what they are, and what the point of them existing is. other people seem to understand the norms almost instinctively. however i dont know they exist until someone tells me explicitly, or i learn by trial and error of me making a social mistake multiple times and them getting angry at me for it.

5. my raads-r scoring seemed. well. very indicative of autism. it was, if i recall correctly, 187 points. it was definitely above 180 points but i dont remember exactly.

6. i always wear a sweater??? i dont know if this is to do with Sensory Stuff but i feel like it might be to do with routine. im always wearing one, even if its super hot out. i constantly am asked "its 40 degrees (celsius) why are you still wearing a sweater??", like all the time, and its unexplainable. im just wearing it and i cant take it off because that feels awful. like im sweating to death but idc

7. masking. so, ive always felt like i have to kind of force myself to have appropriate reactions to things and act normal, as mentioned in #1. however... it doesnt feel as exhausting as it seemed to feel to other ND people. like, its so tiring, and a lot of the time at the end of the day i come home and do nothing because i have no energy just from masking all day! but it seems to be more distressing to other people than it is to me so idk

8. so i heard hyperlexia is a commonly associated autism trait and idk how early i learned to read n shit, but from a pretty young age i was very good at reading and writing etc, dunno if it was hyperlexia or not tho

9. stimming!!! i stim so much. its almost constant. often its kind of swaying from side to side while standing, wiggling my toes, bouncing my foot, etc. my favourite one to do while watching youtube is twist around my earphones cord, make one bit into a circle and push another bit through it.

10. bfrbs i think are also common in autistics or nd people in general. i skin pick, rip off my nails, bite the inside of my cheeks until they bleed, etc. its to the point where people notice and make comments sometimes.

11. sensory issues in general. along with my food issues, i have texture issues too!! and auditory issues. my worst auditory one is when people rub their hands together. it literally feels like someone is grating my ears and it makes me want to rip my ears out or scream. i often stim and get very upset when people rub their hands together around me, which sucks especially in winter when all people are doing is rubbing their hands together to warm up. with texture, theres just certain things ill touch and immedietely feel repulsed by, to the point where im trying to wipe the feeling off on my clothes. another issue i have is dry skin- sometimes, touching my skin to other parts of my skin feels unbearable. right now it feels so awful when i touch my fingers together which is making it hard to type this. sometimes this is a full body experience.

12. however i only have small routines. i mean, i love planning and stuff, it makes me brain happy to follow plans and make schedules etc but (i think its the adhd) i dont often have the patience to follow through with them which can be upsetting and frustrating and sometimes it makes me feel a bit gross

13. i get really upset when changes are made to the plans i already have. when i have a plan for the day, and somebody tells me they can't make it/we have to do something else/cant do certain thing etc it makes me so frustrated and upset to the point of crying. to avoid that i make back up plans for every activity i plan, so that if something goes wrong ill have a backup idea i can still do so that i wont get as upset, since that thing was already pre-planned and part of my day.

14. not sure if this is an autistic trait, but i struggle with following instructions. if someone tells me "clean your room, take out the trash and wash the dishes", it gets very confusing because "which one do i do first?" "how throughly do they want me to clean my room?" "do they want me to take out the trash and then put a new bin bag in or not?" "should i dry the dishes too?" "which dishes need cleaning?" etc. theres so many variables. i need clear instruction to do tasks or i wont be able to do them. furthermore, when i ask my parents for food and they say yes, i often have to ask exactly how much im allowed because if they don't tell me how much im allowed, what do i eat? and theyll often just say "well, just take a reasonable amount! you know what a normal amount is!" and i dont know that, so i just dont eat.

15. echolalia! i think i experience it, at least. i'll repeat phrases ive heard before over and over, or make random noises many times, maybe as stimming?

16. i heard that autistic people often have a weird gait and posture! well, this could be a result of my scoliosis, but my posture is very strange. and as with my gait, my podiatrist let me know i have a weird way of walking as well

17. i love and hate rules. rules are great because it means i know what to do and what not to do, and its even better if the rules are super complete so i understand exactly what's required. rules also suck, though, because they often dont make much sense or feel ridiculous.

18. my emotions feel super intense sometimes, and super muted in other times

19. sometimes, especially recently, ive had trouble discerning when im hungry. its felt like hunger is the same kind of hurt as when im too full, or just a regular stomach ache. i cant tell the difference.

20. i rehearse conversations often, which might be scripting. i constantly think about questions people could ask me (even if its very unlikely/weird) and come up with a good response so that if i am ever in that situation i can answer them. even mundane conversations i script.

21. its difficult to interpret peoples facial expressions- what i think is anger could actually be amusement, etc

22. i experience shutdowns, i think. i have no energy to write about what they feel like so do with that what you will

this is not nearly all of them, but this list is already so long and i doubt people will read to the end so! here we are, im ending it early. um, congrats if you read most/all of this and thank you! i would appreciate any input at all <3

#autism #autistic #asd #asdfghj im so sorry for this!!!#im kind of embarassed about posting this ngl?#im not sure why #theres just sm embarassment i feel when i post stuff asking for help with things i should be able to figure out myself #but this blog has a great autistic community in it and i figured this post would get more attention here #not culture #< make sure to block the not culture tag if you wish not to see this kind of post@#love yall!

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taikanyohou · 3 years

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Hey faiza I hope you dont mind sharing, but if you do you can ignore this ask, I wouldnt mind.

I have a younger sister who's recently diagnosed with autistism and I've tried to do research regarding it but I still feel helpless and that somehow I'll mess up. She's still growing and I want her to call home a safe place cause she has trouble with the outside world since there isnt a lot of awareness about autism here. Can you please guide me a bit? How you guys handle stuff at home? Any reading material that helped you. Thank you

hiiii anon!!! that's fine! honestly it was hard. bc my brother is the only boy from us all, and we're 4 siblings. there's me as the eldest, then my sister, then my brother and then my youngest sister. so at first, my parents just thought that bc was my brother was the only boy, that he might be developing a lot slower than me and my sister did as girls, but that eventually at the age of 2 or 3, he'd catch up. he didnt.

and my mum was the first one to sorta catch on that something didnt feel right. so after the health visitor inspected my brother and he got assessed, my brother got diagnosed with autism at the age of 3. my dad was a little reluctant at first to accept it, bc no one in my family history (either from my mum or dad's side) have autism or any type of special educational needs or disabilities, so my parents didnt really Know how to handle this all. but then my dad, after some time, came round.

and its not easy at all. it still isnt even though he's 23 now. but we've had a lot of support from different professionals, who are a whole team that have stuck with my brother at various points in his life, like his speech and language therapist or his educational psychologist or his medical staff or his teachers or his social worker etc. so they've always supported us and given us guidance and sent my parents to various courses - like triple p, something i hiiiiiiighly recommend. as a teacher, i also look into team teach, but i'd recommend even that too tbh, as a way to help and learn about de-escalation, and how you can positively help your sister in her education and broader sense of learning. another thing we also use is PECS - its honestly v v v useful for most children with autism as it helps them visualise their routine/timetable for the day/planned activities, but it also helps in allowing them to express what or how they feel, like hunger or fatigue, and helps them communicate their needs to you, if you help them understand what the visual cards represent.

for my brother, we've always had him have his own bedroom, and thats his private space to cool off and calm down that we rarely go in. my brother's non verbal, so he really has struggled with communication. we know a bit of BSL (sign language) and that helped when he was a kid, but as he grew, his school and his teachers slowly got him to begin speaking. he now only speaks in 3 or 4 word strings, not full sentences, but its a huge development!

my brother's really into disney, so he has a collection of disney books and films in his bedroom. what i'm saying is that get the time to explore what your sister's interests and hobbies are, and make her safe space one that holds her interests to help her feel secure. my brother isnt very into sensory textured things, so food isn't a huge issue with him, but for your sister, explore what textures she likes and what she doesnt. we dont ever force my brother into something he doesnt want to do, and sometimes that can mean cancelling plans last minute as a whole family too, which can be quite upsetting. so sometimes what helps is telling my brother well in advance that we're planning to do xyz on such a day, so that on that day, he isnt overcome with anxiety, bc most children with autism need a set routine, and if that gets disrupted, then they will behave anxiously. so now, when we have to go to a wedding or go out to eat, we tell my brother a week or so in advance, and he's okay with that.

but also, build some independence and decision making in them! let them choose what clothes they want to wear, what food they want to eat, whether they want to do english or maths today etc. sometimes things can become overwhelming and they do hit or bite or pinch or throw things. thats the moment where you just say a firm No and step away. let them cool off, and that will give you a chance to cool off too.

and always make sure YOU are okay too. if it gets too much, speak to your family. make sure different people are with your sister, because it can be physically difficult and mentally emotional. if you want to rest one day and have that day for yourself, tell someone in your family in advance and have some me time, and that will give a different family member a chance to spend time with your sister. that will help your sister build more relationships too! some days, my brother doesnt even wanna see my face, and thats ok! he spends that day with my other sisters or my parents or he'll go out with my cousin or sometimes, just by himself, bc they need that too.

and if you just tell someone, if you are going out somewhere, that you have a family member that has autism, you'll be surprised with how accommodating people are, and that helps so so much as opposed to not telling and then you'll get stressed and anxious too. like, sometimes, crowds and big spaces stress my brother out, even now, for example at a wedding we recently went to. but we told the person who invited us about my brother, and they said its absolutely no problem whatsoever if my brother needs to step out for a bit to get some fresh air or if he needs to be fed first etc. and in the same vein, i'd say to keep your conversations with you and your sister's "team" (her school teachers etc) ongoing, so that everyone is on the same page. for example, if you were to go on holiday or implement a new habit or try something new with your sister, if your sister's whole "team" knows about this, then you are all on the same page, and will help build that new change for your sister.

its honestly a learning experience that will never end, if i were to be honest. and some days its so .... hard. and other days its the most heartwarming thing you'll ever experience. make sure you take care of yourself, including speaking to someone if gets too much, so you can take care of your sister. and soon enough you yourself with just ... develop a sixth sense for who and what your sister wants or doesnt want and who or what she does or doesnt need.

🧡

#faiza answers #sorry this is super long but i hope it helps! 🧡

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philipkindreddickhead · 3 years

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A while back I lived with someone and having years between then and now I've had some time to reflect on the relationship. We started out as roommates. Shortly after we moved in together they confessed they were interested in me and I, rather stupidly, agreed to be with them. It was ill-advised and very short. In that time we had sex. They came inside of me without asking first. I was not on birth control. They explained very quickly that they did not believe they had semen in their fluid. That it was just like vaginal fluid. That they always came inside their last girlfriend and SHE never got pregnant. They were not diagnosed as infertile. They did not know if their last girlfriend was infertile. I shrugged it off because I didnt know what else to do. Getting mad couldnt make them not come inside me. They thanked me for trusting them so implicitly which made me turn sour. I didnt have a choice but to trust them. They robbed me of that choice. I didnt know better enough to say anything like "hey have you actually been diagnosed with having vaginal fluid instead of seminal fluid?" I could only trust that they knew more about their body than I did.

I broke up with them shortly after although not for the sex. Honestly there were so many reasons why but the catalyst was that they were poly with our other roommate who shared with me that they had led her to believe the two of them would be more exclusive when they moved to my city. That it sucked for her to see the two of us together but that she didnt want us to break up because of her. I wasnt sure was else to do with that information. I hardly wanted to potentially cause problems with BOTH of my roommates over a relationship that was mildly unsatisfying. I didnt tell them the truth about why we broke up. I dont remember what reason I gave. I only didnt want to ruin their relationship by saying "hey x told me she didnt really want to be poly" They didnt stop pestering me for a long time about why we broke up and trying to argue with me about why we should be together.

Later they lived with me while someone else paid their rent. They told me they had no where to go because they realized they werent attracted to their non-binary-femme male bodied partner. I was the only one who said it wasnt fair of their partner to pressure them into sex to validate the femme identity. I paid all their food and all other expenses. I even offered to help them get a job which they refused for a long time because they didnt want to work for a corporation. I was dating someone new and they kept asking me if my boyfriend wanted to fuck them. If he wanted a threesome. Eventually I snapped and asked them why they cared. If they were a lesbian (as they described themselves) why did they want to know so badly if my boyfriend wanted to fuck them. When we broke up they started asking me if I wanted to have casual sex. I said Id have to think about it because I wasnt prepared to say "no" I did like them as a person at the time. (Sometimes I still do) I just wasnt emotionally available. But eventually I just outright told them no because they would. Not. Stop. Asking. Everyday theyd be like "hey have you thought about it yet?"

Eventually I ran out of money and couldnt support them anymore. The lease was almost up too meaning theyd have to start paying their own rent. They had a job at that time, after finally caving and taking the job at my workplace, but they still owed rent to a previous apartment complex. I gave them I think either a month or two months notice that they needed to find somewhere else to live if they couldnt come up with even 1 months rent to prove they could be responsible enough to sign onto the lease with me. They went around calling me a bitch to all their friends telling everyone that they were getting kicked out. I guess its hard to e-beg if you cant paint yourself as a victim.

They came to visit me and this time they had huge cosmetically enhanced breasts. I should say they had breasts before. They always said they were natural but anymore I dont know. They could have been from synthetic hormones. I wouldnt have known better. They explained that all they wanted was to have breasts more natural to their body size. The breasts were bigger than my head despite her not being much bigger than me. It was deeply confusing because we'd often had intelligent discussions about cosmetic surgery being detrimental to women's collective health.

One of our last arguments was over the word queer. They called me an assimilationist because I objected to it. That I didnt "get" queerness. I just remembered being so irritated. This was a person who admitted to me theyd been raised to talk to women, be in relationships with women, sexually persue women. But because they didnt do so until they presented as a woman they argued they must be a "lesbian." Nevermind they were currently fucking a whole cis man. Nevermind they began presenting as female-and therefore persuing women- in high school at a more age appropriate time. But I was less deserving to be in the lgbt community because I didnt "get" queerness according to someone who was born I guess attracted to both sexes, raised with opposite sex attraction being the goal, and constantly talked about how opposite sex attracted they were. (Just for clarity's sake Im not saying Im more bisexual than they are, or doubting their bisexuality. )

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babysizedfics · 4 years

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I know the dark sides kinda accidentally bullied Virgil for regressing but did they know/realise that he has autism? Did they know how to help his sensory issues or did he just have to try and cope himself?

EDIT 31 oct 2020: this info is slightly outdated now as i have decided vee does not get diagnosed until he is 14

This is a little bit heavy so scroll past if u want fluffy happy stuff!! mention of internalised ableism

Janus was basically his father so yeah he definitely knew Vee was autistic and accommodated him to the best of his ability at the time - but he wasn't the most educated on the smaller aspects of autistic life, he knew the big things like meltdowns (which he was adequate at getting virgil through) and stimming (he actively encouraged it but did tease virgil about being embarrassed about it which only made v more embarrassed) and vee not liking certain textures or bright lights (not necessarily an issue in their house) but he wasn't that aware of the things that go unnoticed like small sensitivities to food and poor emotional regulation and other things i can't think of atm.

He was guilty of thinking Vee was simply picky and fussy as a child and didn't really click that it was just another part of being autistic and should have been taken more seriously. Also Janus thought it was standard for Virgil to have a proper meltdown every week, but once vee moves to the light sides its more like once every 4 weeks because its a much more accommodating environment

Also he is canonically pretty selfish, I'm not sure he would have actually sat down to research accounts of autism from autistic peoples persoectives, he probably researched just the standard medical info and considered that enough

(quickly mentioning here that janus is not bitter that virgil left. he was at first but when he saw how much better virgil was doing in the other house he was satisfied that virgil was where he belonged, even if it was still upsetting to him that it wasn't with him. it's not until he wants in on the regression family dynamic that he recognises he COULD have helped virgil feel better in the dark sides house, and begins to educate himself on virgils specific needs so that he wont make the same mistakes again as nana janus)

back when vee was a child Janus explained to remus what autism is and Remus was pretty indifferent tbh he didn't really listen and janus didn't explain vee's specific needs in detail. remus was not very considerate or observant, so tended to accidentally trigger virgil's sensory overload by being loud and stuff. occasionally he felt a little bad about it but would just roll his eyes - but he wouldn't do any loud pranks for at least a few hours after. he never made things harder for vee on purpose out of cruelty, he just wasn't necessarily willing to adapt his behaviour for the sake of virgil if it meant he wouldn't personally have as much fun.

as much as janus knew how to get virgil through a meltdown, virgil had to deal with all the smaller details on his own. he had to pick certain foods off his plate and wear ear plugs when the others refused to turn down the volume on their horror movies and he struggled a lot with internalised ableism because no one helped him with these things so he thought it would be burdensome for him to ask for help but he also realised he wasnt coping well on his own and really wanted help, he just wouldnt let himself ask for it

in conclusion, they were aware of his autism and didnt make fun of it in any way because thats mean. Still, they weren't very educated on it or considerate at the time and didn't adapt the environement much to make it easier for virgil to cope, which is one of the things that led up to virgil moving out

I want to point out again that these are realistic experiences that explore a family who did not have the tools to effectively make things easier for Vee at the time, it is not abuse and it is not "unsympathetic", though it was undereducated and inconsiderate - A lot of the reason things were so bad in the house was because the dark sides just dont communicate effectively.

janus and remus are awkward with feelings, their idea of a heart to heart is grumbling a slight reassurance veiled in 8 layers of sarcasm then immediately calling each other names to brighten the atmosphere. theyre the friends who say they thoroughly hate you when you make them laugh and they threaten to decapitate each other as a form flattery. and they dont need to change that about thrmselves, some people are just like that, to janus and remus thats their favourite way of communicating and showing affection and it makes them happy. its just a bad match with virgil who is very sensitive to even the slightest insinuation that someone doesnt like him. janus and remus arent bad people they just are not the right people for virgil to live with

I am basing this specific storyline/concept on my experiences with my family and their gradual acceptance and understanding of me being autistic. Yes it would be nice if every family instantly knew exactly how to make things easier for someone who is autistic but it's just not always that idealistic. It's not black and white, it's not either 100% supportive or 100% abusive. it's not always a linear line, sometimes families make mistakes and accidentally make things worse at some point, but what matters is they recognise and acknowledge them, apologise sincerely, educate themselves and unlearn misconceptions, and work to be better in the future!

#i am begging u not to come for janus because hes based on my mum WHO IS NOW CERY UNDERSTANDING AND HELPFUL about my autism #so pls have open minds #im not even sure i want to address this in the series at least not directly because its pretty heavy #can u tel im nervous and defensive about this one #ableism mention #nana janus #chaotic cousin remus #little/big insights #little angst #asks #indent anon

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aro-aizawa · 3 years

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ty so much for your response hehe!!

yeah when i was younger ppl would be like, oo who do u have a crush on? and i dont think ive ever had one? sure theres been people i find attractive but id rather have close friends?? (qpr please 🤲) idk what crushes are even like too,,,,,,,, r u just obsessed with them??? want to spend time with them????

when my friend confessed his feelings i just kinda. blank screened. i didnt want to really date someone or anyone? friends was better. so the rejection was. Rip.

idk. in an "ideal future" there would be at least one person i love and we live together. to be best friends -- isnt that what the ideal marriage thing is anyway? but i squirm away from even the concept of dating anyway. for you, what do would u like, ideally?

also.... this is kinda funny but for a while i also id'd as asexual panromantic! currently i like queer bc its so versatile and it sums up so much of my (question marked) feelings towards sexuality and gender lol. ooh and also im getting a diagnosis for adhd !!! (same hat! ) (will the drs ever get in contact after the first questionnaire... *stares off into the distance*)

o)-( idk !! i think ill be experimenting for a while heh

(and im glad u liked the question haha, i hoped it wouldnt be crossing any boundaries)

ALSO with allo fandom reminded bc ur url... i really like fics which are focused on family ties!! when fics are always so focused on a single pairing, it doesnt interest me that much. like just caring abt one person and forgetting ur family/ found family also exists (when good family) is kinda... hm. Hm. Hmmmmm.

thank u again for ur rlly good response!! 🥰🥰🥺🥺💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

right???? i mean when i was younger i did have “crushes” but honestly, when i look back at them the ones i had in primary school was either a) a popular boy that all the girls had crushes on or b) a guy who i could potentially befriend and he was so cool i wanted to know him. at the time i didn’t even have anyone pestering me about who i liked bc i had One (1) friend at the time who didn’t care what i thought lmao but i told myself i had those crushes bc i wanted to fit in w the rest of the kids.

and yikes that sounds hard. like, honestly i really do not know if someone confessed that they had a crush on me. i’d probably be flattered on some level? but i’d also be HELLA nervous, probably decide that i’ll at least try it but eventually they’d get disheartened because i never initiated anything. (oops that sounds like how my literal one relationship happened that i never count bc we didn’t have a crush on each other at first until my friend told him that i had a crush on him when i didn’t. and he asked me out bc of it.)

honestly that’s a mood??? i feel like that’d be completely ideal, because as much as i love being on my own and i’m pretty independant, financially that’s not stable at all. i’d love to have a QPP that i can just,,, relax with. decide that i’ve had enough of being on my own and need to lay on top of someone like a cat decides to curl up with another cat. wouldn’t want to share a bed tho bc i can never sleep when sharing lol

nice! and hnkk yeah queer is deffo a good label. personally, not for me. i like calling the community the queer community instead of the lgbt+ community because it’s more inclusive that way but personally i feel like if i ever label that myself people will assume that i’m alloromantic because we live in an amatonormative society, but it’s a v good term. lol what are the odds! i’m not currently on track to receive a diagnosis of adhd just yet, it’s smth i was considering officially getting pre-covid times and then doctors are like “medical emergencies only” and so i’m just kind of,,, waiting for covid restrictions to ease before officially getting that diagnosis on the way. but like. on the down low bc even though my cousin got diagnosed w it, i’d feel like i’m attention seeking by telling my family i have it without an official diagnosis. but yeah rip it’s gonna take me forever to get it.

HARD SAME. i am. just so WEAK for family focused fics, they’re just. god i love them so much. it’s just. why does the allure of romance compell people so much when you can read about this gruff adult taking one look at this hurt child and think “time to find those adoption papers”???? like FORGET the shipping. i’m gonna get sucked into the 940th found family fic i’ve read ever.

(tho i do actually like some ship fics, they have to be well written and not involve the characters i headcanon as aromantic though, otherwise i will close out of that fic so fast. an annoyance in the mha fandom when 85% of the fandom views aizawa as gay and married to his best friend,,,, they just love to shoehorn that side note in there when it has no revelence whatsoever,,,)

#anonymous #aromantic #thank YOU for the good response #this time you get me running to my computer to respond #bc my laptop was being slow and laggy whereas my brand new computer could start up in like 40 seconds lol #Anonymous

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of-faunsandyellowflowers · 4 years

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Personal post...again

Tw: rape, eating disorder

And I'm sorry this is long but I need to get this out.

I think the biggest thing that hurts me with my mother is the fact she disregards what I tell her as exaggeration, or that I do it for attention.

It goes back to my teen years.

Middle school was awful for me. Honestly, all school was. Growing up autistic but not knowing you're autistic is....hard. it's even harder when you've got a shit load of trauma and other issues to deal with to.

When my mom found out I cut myself, instead of trying to understand why I did it, she lectured me on how she coulsnt understand why I did that because shes never felt that way. Now, I'm not saying she couldnt be upset by it....but it wasnt somethibg I was proud of. And when she told me I must be doing it for attention, I knew I probably wasnt going to be able to tell her about the things that happen in my life that are hard kater on...even though I really needed someone. It's not like she wasnt EVER there, but the really really big things....it wasnt talked about. And when it wasnt talked about, it wasnt believed.

The time I told her I was raped, barely 15, and then a few years later finding out she didnt believe me. Her reasoning? Because right after we went to dinner i was 'happy'. And that the years after I was 'sexual' with guys. Because people who are raped are supposed to be sex repulsed and numb.

I was incredibly numb. However, I've learned how to mask. Much like I've learned how to mask my autism.

Instead of taking the time to ask my counselor what coping looks like for trauma, she assumed that it wasnt that bad and determined I just wanted it and that the guy never called me back. She assumed rhat since I said I didnt want dad to know, that I didnt want anyone to know....that it must not have happened because you 'tell' a parent these things.

She only figured out I wasnt lying after having a heart to heart with my aunt and my aunt chewing out my mother for not doing more.

Then got mad I never wanted to go to the cops.

I still, dont think I would have wanted to go to the cops.

The emo kid (me) vs the star mormon football player? In a very mormon town with mormon cops? Yeah. I dont think they would have believed me.

And look, I understand that it's hard for a parent to hear that, but the lack of support I received due to my mom always deflecting it to 'it cant possibly be that bad' on top of me not even knowing I was autistic so it was incredibly hard for me to express things.....I'd say that the person going through trauma, twice in the same 15th year...is worse. And the years to come with me battling my own turmoil, keeping things in, her butting into my life to 'help' in ways that didnt help. It was based on what she believed was correct, and not what I felt I wanted in order to express myself.

Years following I developed an eating disorder which caused me to binge large amounts of junk food, hate myself after, and starve myself. I still struggle with it, but now I just dont really eat.

Instead of asking WHY I did this to myself, I got shouted at, scolded and accused of stealing money, or using hers to get things.. Instead of understanding I had an eating disorder, it was determined by my own mother that I probably was just a liar and manipulator.

The money stealing is funny too, because I hid my tattoos from her for that very reason. By that I mean, the accusation that I stole money for it when I actually saved up to get them.

I deflected whenever someone would ask me about my eating habits and would say I wasnt doing that because 1. I was terribly ashamed of the fact I was binge eating. 2. The sheer mention reminded me of my trauma and the lack of support I had in that. 3. Because if I talked about it, I remembered why I did it, and that wasn't something I wanted to talk about at all

I became incredibly hypersexual after my trauma as well. The reasonings for this are complex, but the main two being that I didnt understand the context of how to get someone to like me, beyond sex. It was basically a way for me to control the situation I didnt have control of before. Much like...trying to redo losing my virginity by just saying yes. Becayse if you say yes, it cant possibly be rape right? On top of still not understanding social things as well.

Not all people who experience this form of trauma are sex repulsed.

And like my now therapist said, me being happy right after was a way my brain coped. When something like that happens, your brain tries the best it can to cope. And that's how I coped. By faking. Which I was already good at with my masking.

Then, I got mono. This turned into a chronic thing. I already had all this mental stuff to deal with. This turned into chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. My immune system is shit. I do not rest. No support on that. The years to follow have been me figuring out what the hell's wrong with me, and my mom being wishy washy on what's real and what's not because 'if you really had that then the first doctor we went to would know'...without realizing that for many people it takes years to get diagnosed with things.

To this day, it's the same.

My mom brought up my trauma yesterday. I told her that there was more than just 2, but I wasnt going to talk about it because I didnt feel comfortable. She reiterated that I couldnt be mad at her for not believing me at 15 because 'it was hard for me to hear that abd you were happy and very promiscuous after and manipulated my emotions a lot'.

I think I have every right to be upset when someone doesnt believe me at 15 that I was raped. I think I have every right to be upset at the sheer accusation that I would LIE about a traumatic experience....that my way of coping god forbid be different than your own standards.

Beyond that though, I'm just tired.

I'm so tired of the constant wishy washyness. The constant arguments we have because she wants to make everything about her, and while I love my mother, its incredibly invalidating to state that I'm chronically ill and to be told 'you're only 26, I'm 63, get over it', then the next day be understanding. Theres so much I could get into with all this but the AMOUNT is overwhelming.

Hell, for a solid month I didnt talk to her because she stated the reason I came out as non binary was for attention. And she sidnt get why I wouldnt talk to her.

Can you just pick a fucking side? I need you to just support me instead of throwing things like 'well I have a hard time believing you because you manipulated me as a teen' when I never did that.

Theres so much I could go into. I'm just tired. The constant wishy washy, the constant blame on me and then to turn it into 'oh then it's all my fault' when I never said that.

Just fucking accept that my life isnt going to be how you pictured it. And I'm sorry that im not an easy person to understand, but it just feels like you never tried. It was always let's do it my way, and when I finally sidnt want to do that, I get punished

Im tired. I just want it to end.

And no, I cannot move out. I have no where to go. I have no money. I cannot work as much as I'd need to get enough for my own place.

The best I can do is to try to cope with the constant invalidation. Cling onto the good times. My mom isnt a bad person, and I dont think she really UNDERSTANDS how much shit affects me. I just wish shed put aside her own emotions and face reality.

#personal #rape mention #eating disorder #autism

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sup4l3e · 3 years

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I’m Crazy...

I’m insane...

I've lost the plot..

I'm hopeless..

I'm worthless..

I'm unloveable..

I'm pathetic..

I'm weird..

I'm strange..

I'm not okay...

I'm a psycho... (ok this one for me might be true... question it, go on try it! i dare you! ;0 lol)

BUT...

I AM!!!

Those are just some of the things my own mind tells me on a daily basis ... yes here it comes a blog about anxiety and depression... omg!! i know right the cliche of it all. like who hasnt written a blog about depression before ...

oh woe is me! am i right?

well... thats where you're wrong!

(before i start i want no sympathy im not writing this for the "aww's" and the "bless her" comments, i dont want sympathy or empathy ... this is simply because ive experienced and lived with depression for about 14 years and if i can help one person feel better about themselves by reading this or help someone realise that they are not alone then, well, i can rest easy tonight. If anything i want to empower people)

I lived for so many years in the dark, keeping all of this too myself and you know what it did? absolutely sweet FA apart from making me so much worse, it gave ammunition to those little voices, telling me all of the above, making them win!

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago that talking about my experiences and how im feeling would help.

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago how many other people around me were going through the EXACT same thing.

Two and a half years ago i was a completely different person, i was sheltered, i was in a very toxic relationship ... with myself. Most people would disagree, they'd say i was actually in a toxic relationship with my ex partner; but i cant blame him. Dont get me wrong he was toxic and looking back i was lucky to get out when i did, however i am also grateful too him, because he showed me exactly what i dont want in my life. and being fair to him i'd lived with my own toxicity in my mind for a good 10 years before him, so god forbid i'd give him the satisfaction of all that praise coz by god did i do a damned good number on myself without any of his help. ;)

In all honestly though, i do blame myself and my own mind, because 2 and a half years ago those little voices in my own head were the only thing i was listening to, they were winning. I wasnt listening to my family who were worried sick about me, who were practically begging me to tell them what was going on in my head, who i shut out, ignored and pushed away because i couldnt cope and you know what? they didnt deserve that at all. i live everyday regretting that i put them through that, So i now live everyday hoping to make them proud of me and live each and everyday with a promise. I do however live every day regretting that i didnt let them in earlier because if i had of i wouldnt have gone through the hell i did and i wouldnt have genuinely believed "this is what i deserve" "no-one else will love you" "no-one else wants you" "no-one cares"... i wouldnt have had too live a LIE.

The lie was people did love me, i just couldnt see it, people did care about me, i just wouldnt hear it, i needed their help, i just wouldnt speak it; because at that point in time my own mind was telling me that i didnt deserve any of that, and that nobody would ever want to do that for me. So i found sactuary in a toxic person who in the long run made me the strong person i am today because if it werent for him i'd never have the confidence in myself knowing what i overcame, and if it werent for him i wouldnt have seen my family and loved ones take charge and say "Leanne enough is enough" .. they gave me the metaphorical slap across the face i damned well needed and brought me back to reality, they categorically wouldnt allow that behaviour to carry on anymore and for that i will forever be grateful!

i made a promise to them that day that i would always tell them when i was getting low again and i made a promise to myself that day that i would keep them in the forefront of my mind in all of my decisions and i would also promise to try and help anyone else who was ever in the same position i was in.

depression is a funny old thing, everyone will experience some form of depression throughout their life, some people are genetically wired to experience it, some people will experience it from a young age, some dont experience it until very late on in life, some experience it from sad/happy/overwhelming life events, some unlucky souls just never find happiness. but no matter what EVERYONE will, at somepoint experience depression. in this blog im going to try and explain how i've learned to manage and cope with mine.

A bit of a backstory of my depression, it started around the age of 14-15, my depression. I dont know where it came from but it was right around the time of my GCSE's, college, boys, hormones, and being diagnosed with PCOS (for those of you who dont know what that is its Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) i was told at a young age of 14 that i had some sort of syndrome which "would only matter when i got older", and that i had some of the prettiest ovaries the sonographer and gyneacologist had ever seen... in hindsight that wasnt going to be the compliment i first thought it was or the dismissive statement they portrayed it and brushed it off as, at all! THAT diagnosis changed alot of my life, however i will get back to that.

As most teens do around here I started studying for my GCSE's at just 15 years old. i was so stressed out i started actually hearing a screaming voice in my head. i suffered panic attacks daily, sometimes a few attacks a day, and that is where my anxiety started and then, good old depression smashed me in the face. i found the more stressed i became, the more id hear that screaming inside my head which then lead me to thinking " holy fucking shitballs im hearing voices im actually insane" therefore leading to more anxiety and panic attacks. so much so i would come home exhausted at 4pm everyday crawl into my pyjamas and climb into bed ready to do it all again the following day. (dont get me wrong i sat most nights on msn using the latest flashing emojis for EACH and EVERY letter of the alphabet, to the point it looked more like hyroglyphics and obviously getting the colours just right with the codes to make your name and status show in a rainbow. but that was all done in pj's curled up in bed because i couldnt manage much else ... however, if my mam asks i was revising and doing my homework THE. WHOLE. TIME, not talking to my friends about how hot a certain crush's bum looked that day ha! am i right! :P xoxo)

This was all a massive thing for me to go through aswell, due to the fact my dad has mental health issues and lives with schizophrenia, so, naturally at this point, you can imagine i was picturing myself in padlocked straight jackets and padded cells, talking away to the screaming voice in my head. the funniest thing was this screaming voice wasnt saying anything nasty or bad it was just my thoughts screaming at me like everything was angry, so genuinely just everyday life thoughts but those screaming at me, like, imagine thinking "leanne dont forget to pack your PE kit" but in the voice of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket... it. was. TERRIFYING!

Anyways, so yes high school was a massive contributor, then i made the choice to leave college at 17 because i, like many others, didnt have the faintest clue what i wanted to be when i grew up (little did i know id live the life of peter pan and neverland would be my sesh house OIOI!!!) In leaving college i went into full time work, as a 'temp job' until i decided what i was going to do... unfortunately, 8 and a half years later i was still their prisoner! haha, Nah, dont get me wrong i met some absolutely amazing people in that job and i did love it but i knew at the end, if i didnt get out it was going to kill me off. I'd gotten to the point in that job that i cried myself to sleep knowing i had to go back in the next day. that place contributed alot to my depression not because it was a bad job but because id made a wrong decision and was stuck there. i had to leave.

my next massive contributor, and this is where i divulge some of my REAL heartbreaks. PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or what i like to call Poly fucking Cystic fucking Ovary fucking Syndrome or "lets just fuck shit up!" (no im not bitter about it at all lol) because of this shit, from the very young age of 14 (like puberty isnt hard enough - spots, hair in places you never wanted boobs growing overnight, bleeding once a month being the biggest inconvenience) i have also had to deal with weight issues, hersuitism, depression, anxiety, hormones that sent me bat shit crazy, pain, headaches, fatigue, you name it i had it. but the biggest heartbreak, being told that id always have difficulty concieving and carrying a child. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows i have always wanted to be a mam. (and not the sesh mam who looks after all my drunken idiotic friends on a night out ... coz i swear thats all they ever think i do lol) I mean a real mam, to a real baby. and being told at a young age that i had the prettiest ovaries the gyneacologist had ever seen wasnt the compliment i thought it was because it turned out my ovaries were absolutely covered in cysts. And for years i have tried to have a baby but alas nothing ever happens. i've had a few close calls and ive miscarried, or at least i think i did, the test came back positive but then about 3 days after that pretty pink second line, i had the heaviest period i had ever had for around 4 hours and then my body went back to normal as if nothing happened. it broke my heart.

They say the human body is delicate and intricate and should be treated with respect... i say its a machine and its a absolute twat at times, and why should i respect what in essence has caused me heartbreak from a young age FOR NO FUCKING REASON. but hey ho... life. goes. on.

so... thats my life story or just a snippet of it. and some of the reasons why i have depression.

heres how i cope...

Well, for a long time.. and i mean a VERY LONG time i didnt. i hid it, i hid away from the world. i drank alot. i avoided family, i avoided my best friends, i avoided anything that would have brought me back to reality.

For a long time though, thats what i needed. now im not saying running away from your issues is easy and thats what you should do because its definitely not. im saying i NEEDED to do it at the time because i had no other way of coping and i NEEDED too to learn what not to do in the future. So masking, for me, was better than facing things 'alone'. In that time though, i made my issues alot worse and in fact caused more issues. it hurt my family, my friends and well hurt myself too, because in the long run i still had to sober up and i still had to deal with the same issues that got me down in the first place, i ended up in debt which contributed further too my issues. I did some very silly things which when i look back on them now i could have hurt so many people. i took an overdose of painkillers at one point around 2 and a half years ago. I felt so weak i saw no other outcome but instantly regretted doing it and made myself sick so that they came back up. i've told my mother and close friends about this previously but i think to really show how much i've learned and to reach out to anyone who is feeling the same way i did, to tell them IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER AND EASIER. i think saying that, shows my honesty throughout this post and allows for my experience and honesty really show that i want to help anyone going through the same thing.

Masking just makes the pain go away for a short period of time. learning from your pain and making it your strength is how you really overcome your own mind and depression.

It wasnt until i realised i was never alone, just how selfish and stupid id been all that time, because in masking, hiding and running away, id stupidly stopped myself from a faster recovery, less heartache, less pain and mental and physical torture. and really i stopped myself from helping others in the same position as me.

it wasnt until i learned to make my pain my strength that i truly found peace in who i am.

i still have days where those voices wont shut up, and they win and thats ok.

i still have days where i cannot climb out of bed and thats ok.

i still have days where i cry and the pain is too much and thats ok.

because i learned all of it really is ok! everyone has those same thoughts the same feelings the same illnesses. and i know that tomorrow WILL be a better day.

you just need to learn how to make it and own it as your own!

nothing has changed for me, all of those things are still true they're still real, my body hasnt miraculously healed itself, i still made poor life choices, it hasnt changed my hormonal imbalances but it has changed my mindset. it has changed my life. i made a choice to change my mindset and not let it beat me i decided to let people in. my family are my guardian angels because they never gave up on me, they dragged it out of me and frogmarched me to the doctors for the help i needed but some people dont have that support in their lives.

i'm lucky enough now, to have lived with this for long enough to know my signs, and when i know what i call, "going dark" is coming. basically when i start slipping and losing control of it again, i identify it and know how to manage it head on. unfortunately my body because of the stupid "intricate machine" i have and how broken it is (believe me the day i can swap out into an AI robot body imma sign straight up for that shit imma have me a body like Jennifer Anniston) my body however tends to go into a meltdown, i end up with more migraines, pain and infections. i also get extremely tired to the point i can sleep for a good 15-20 hours a day and thats not me being lazy (although if sleeping were an olympic sport i'd be the universal champion of it BED=LIFE) thats really me needing to reset. at that point in time when i know this is coming, thats when i reach out; i tell my friends and my family "I'm not okay" because i know now i can do that, i can talk to them.

i, personally, take medication daily, and for some reason we live in a society where people are actually shamed for doing so. i know if i dont take those 2 little tablets every day i will lose control and become a shell of who i really am. my seratonin levels drop and i practically become a robot barely functioning. so why should i be ashamed of those 2 little 'happy pills' which make me the person i want to be and know i truly am! no chemical imbalance is going to get the better of me! if i can have the help, im damned sure going to take it. along with the happy pills, aswell as alot of sleep, sunbeds, spending time with family and friends whenever i possibly can, i now have a job that i love, i also retrained as a beautician, and i love going to the gym and swimming whenever i can, ive found i can manage mine alot better. one thing that massively changed my life was limitting when i drink. i rarely go out drinking anymore and the reason is because i know deep down i will end up in a very low state afterwards. alcohol is a depressant and i wont allow that kind of thing to get me down. so now instead i choose to drink once a month if not less. i havent cut out the drink completely i just know if i want to get blinding drunk i need to be in a very happy place to do so. so i am careful where i drink, who i drink with and what i do whilst im drinking and unfortunately much to my neighbours disgust that tends to be in the house whilst singing along to whitney houston or disney songs at the top of my lungs, but thats how i know i'll not plummet the day after, and lets face it anyone whose heard me singing knows whitney had nothing on me ;)

In all seriousness though, the best advice i can give anyone living with depression is talk to someone, talk to your family, talk to your neighbour, talk to your friends, talk to your doctor, talk to your dog, your cat, the postman, the man on the bus who sits oddly close too you... just talk to anyone. tell them how you are feeling tell them your experiences. tell them what is getting to you. Find someone who you can trust, find a stranger. write it all down in a blog. video it. GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST! SAY IT OUT LOUD! Just. Bloody. Talk! please!

everyones experiences with depression are different some people mask it, some people show it, some people (like me now) shout it from the fucking rooftops because im not afraid of my emotions anymore.

everyones ways of coping are different too, some people find the gym helps, some rely on medication, some rely on talking therapies... there are so many different ways of coping out there now... the only way that doesnt work is not admitting something is wrong and fighting your own mind without help, knowing something isnt right but still doing nothing about it. The only way of not coping is living a lie, you dont have to do this alone!

Basically do those things just for you, the ones you've always wanted to do! get that tattoo you wanted, quit your job, retrain, change your hair colour, buy that car, buy that dog, book that holiday.

do what makes YOU happy!

live for you and open up, people would rather know how you are feeling than see you struggle or ultimately not be here.

open up you never know someone might be feeling the exact same way you are and it could bring you closer.

but remember most importantly:

You ARE NOT Alone..

You ARE NOT Crazy..

You ARE NOT insane..

You HAVE NOT lost the plot..

You ARE NOT hopeless..

You ARE NOT worthless..

You ARE NOT unloveable..

You ARE NOT pathetic..

You ARE NOT weird..

You ARE NOT a psycho..

You ARE NOT strange..

And..

You ARE okay...

You ARE Beautiful..

You ARE Worth it..

YOU ARE Loved

i hope this helps...

thank you ☺

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somethingratchet · 4 years

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A while ago I was diagnosed as bipolar II. (Manic depressive)

It's almost my one year anniversary of being in a psych ward.

In April it will be one full year of medicated.

Sometimes I still have bad days, especially considering what I'm going through but

I've come a LONG way. I suffered a long time before I got the help I needed, mostly because I didn't know I needed it (and it's expensive and scary)

Mental health is treated like a privilege in this country but I would NOT be alive had I not found help. It still took 2 therapists, a psych ward visit, 2 different medications, and a combo of another to get it right.

And I want to mention it was Black women who ultimately saved me. A Black RN believed my diagnosis and got me the medications I needed. A Black therapist confirmed I was displaying symptoms when I wasn't willing to accept it. A NB person gave me a medication that kicked me into a manic state because he didn't believe I was truly bipolar.

Anyway, I'm still adapting. And learning to love myself.

There's a lot of ways that the trauma we tend to experience in Black communities contributed to my hesitation to believe something extraordinary was wrong with me. We all experience so much grief, so like when is it reacting to trauma and when is it a problem?

For me, It was when I just couldn't stop crying. I mean all day and all night. My depression HURT, it felt like it was suffocating me. Drowning me. My face would swell like I had an allergic reaction. I won't get into the rage. I just knew I would either end up in jail or dead. I wasn't functional. Most days I wasn't dependable for getting out of bed. I felt like my thoughts were trying to kill me.

20mg of lexapro and lamotrigine saved my life.

Special mention of my beloved friend Kevin. He would call me every day. And most times I didnt want to talk. I wouldnt even answer the phone. When I did, it was often just to confirm I was alive and then I'd hang up. He never gave up on me. I wont forget that. Ever. He didn't give up on me, even living 2K miles and a 2 hr timezone difference. I love you Kevin. Thank you.

#mental health #long post #manic depressive #bipolar

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swayinghummingbirds · 5 years

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i feel like i need to blog more stuff out of me to research my own thoughts ignore me or help me either is welcomed.

so like i was diagnosed with mdd , panic/anxiety disorder so i know how it goes and how it feels and all that jazz. used to be on medication and not for almost two years. i can usually cope well since while i was on medication ifound many ways to do so. but now ive come across season affective disorder and i gotta say i am not a fucking fan. i cant bring myself to do the coping mechanisms because im fucking cold and there is no sun ever.

this time last year i felt the exact same way and almost moved back to fl but didnt want to give up on tn yet. but im wondering is it maybe time to give up on it? i have no family here. and my family is expanding and growing without me. which makes it worse.

ive been where i am for almost a year now and its been good. but there are no sidewalks like anywhere? im so tired of sharing walls. sure, its a townhouse and its pretty big and two floors and fire place but my neighbors are so annoying and for some reason in tennessee so many people think its absolutely okay to let their dogs out with leashes?

knoxville is a really cool city and ive loved living here but idk if i can stand the winter. and its just a mild winter, idk how yall in the north handle it. i see now why when i moved abck to pa for 8 months my mom had it by the time march came around and we moved back to fl.

a part of me feels like i might even just get bored with where i am after a certain amount of time considering how i was brought up. i have moved 17 times, which is wild for a child. probably why i have a hard time making friends too.

tried leaving work yesterday after i got my list done (usually isnt a problem for my manager but the ass. manager always fights me with it). i told him three times i already had 2 1/2 hours of overtime and ill be leaving when im finished but bitch never listens to me and acts like he didnt hear me say it to his damn face.Usually i ask just to be polite and make sure but this time im telling him. kind of snapped on him because the day before i just cried all fucking day and had that feeling in my stomach and felt the same way when i woke up. old me would have called out, one because the position i was in was easily fillable but now im actually needed so i go to do my job and if i get done early that means im working my ass off and sweating like a pig to get done three hours early. (and the girl who does the work on the two days im off never gets the shit down or sets the room or anything up in order to have a good morning because the whole thing is very time sensitive and its very frustrating. also she called out like three times this week and made my week shittier than it needed to be.) like bitch no that doesnt mean i want to stay and help with other things after exerting so much energy that i dont even have in myself to begin with. so anyways i cried and then the manager came and talked to me and was understanding because he is aware of my mental health issues and i forgot steve- the ass manager (assistant manager , but also ass because he can be an ass) was not aware. so all in all i talked to my manager and told him and he was very supportive and then i went to apologize to steve and he reassured me i was valued and adored here which was nice. and i had to basically tell him if im trying to leave early it usually means because im feeling like a crazy bitch whos on the break of a mental breakdown so. quit fighting me.

so anyways.

even if i did move back fl ive finally gotten myself where i wanted to be in my job but i guess if it was meant to be the universe will take care of it just like it did when we moved here.

a week before almost moving back to fl my grandparents came to visit and we were in crossville, which is the half way point from here to where we were living at the time and i was like hey lets try knoxville and the next day we went to look at apartments and as we were looking this place went up for rent almost as if the universe here, ask and you shall receive. because i was only looking at places that was in between the three stores that we could have possibly transferred to because i had no idea which one it was going to be i just new it was going to happen. and then when trying to transfer we my fiancees assistant manager knew the manager at this store here and said that he would take both of us and needed help in the area i wanted to be in and i was like wow amazing its all working out. and it did and it was great and then it got cold. and then holidays came. and birthdays came. and i ive learned so much about myself and i feel like yes i needed this part of my life. and now im not sure if istill need it.

we have a vision of owning a little home a nice big plot of land near the mountains with a spring and creek on site with woods around. if we kept it up and really searched when the time came yeah im feel like we could find it. but what if i still feel this way when were there? then weve bought a home and it would be harder to get rid of. i have a vision of my own business with yoga. i find myself in capable of moving between the months of decemeber and march. then what. even when i get on to the mat i cant get into the flow.

and what if we move back to fl. would he resent me for giving up on our dreams? will i be tired of people demanding my time and energy? will i bitch about the heat all the time and the fact that neighbros are every where? probably, yes, yes, and yes.

but will i resent him for not moving back to spend our lives with our families? will i resent myself for not listening to the feeling in my stomach? or would i resent myself if i did listen to that feeling and gave up on the mountainous dreams.

i know we would welcomed back with opened arms and i know not many would miss us here.

the mountains are beautiful and so mystical when there. i wonder how it would be to live there. i always end up feeling so creeped out at some point of hikes because i feel like something is watching us, and i know there is, there is always is whether its and animal or a spirit. but sometimes those spirits, or beings, are just so strong of a force. what if we bought a property with one of those that wouldnt be able to make peace with us? i always imagined if we ended up with a property with strong entities then we would make peace and ring singing bowls and plant luscious plants for them. but what if they hate it all. and what if our neighbors down the street end up being cannabilistic cult people? what if some animal tried to maul my dog (which already happens frequently, shes a chihuahua everything is out to get her). what if something happens at oak ridge? i had no idea i was living next to a giant nuclear power plant thing.

but then its like okay what if theres a giant hurricane that tears my house down (i had a tree fall on my house during matthew which is one reason why we left) or the storm sturge sweeps my house away. trey is scared of tsunamis, not that one has happened there probably ever, idk but it is a weird fear of his. surprisingly tornados do happen in tn too.

and a day like today, where trey is working all day and i have the day off. there isnt much to do. its cold out so i cant sit on my patio for a few hours like i would in the summer. i dont like to go shopping. i dont have a friend to hang out with, which is my own fault people im really not a big people person. i have hung out with a couple a few tiems, and idk ij ust would rather not. but if i were in fl i could go hang out with my brother, or treys sister, or the few friends i have there. or go to the beach and sit on my own, because its not fucking weird to sit alone there and usually you dont have to worry about getting mugged. i cant go to the parks here on my own. i cant take my dog for walks around here because there are no side walks and people just look shady af everywhere.

when i went to visit for my brothers wedding in october i realized how i did not appriciate the plant life naturally around all year round when i lived there for 11 years. i guess mostly because it wasnt until two years ago that i really got in to plants but omg i cant stop imagining what our yard would look like if we were in aplace where things could just be outside all year round. i would take cuttings of my plants andjust put them every where have my own little tropical paradise in my front and back yard.

i know this all is really sounding one sided atm but this time last year i was having the exact same visions and the exact same thoughts. and i thought about how what if my brother has kids and im up here well hello here we are now and thats happening. i feel like i need to be there. theres even a house for sale on the same street as him and all i could was fantasize what i would do to the house and how i would baby sit for them and be able to see my dog that i left with him because ultimately she was is but we co owned her together and just to be there. and be with my mom. shes living in orland with her boyfriend and i feel like the fact shes goingt o be a grandmother might sway him into moving closer, she hates the city and i imagine shes just as depressed as i am to be away and to be in a city where you dont feel safe to go outside alone. we are creatures of nature and both pisces and very sensitive to everything.

and what if trey and i have a baby at some point? we have no one here to help us. i was thinkg about how our wedding date is a year and like two months away and i have no one here to help me plan. and for a long itme i always imagined myself getting married at this place called sugar mill gardens, a botanical garden that i had always loved in my home town there. when trey and i got together we would pokemon go there and take clippings, and i still have those plants today. but then this new vision came where we would get married on our future property. i feel like we are still a long way away from buying a house here though. idk if we would be there in time. and since we went back in october all i can think about is getting married in sugar mill. he reproposed to me when we were there and that was so sweet and just made me want to be there instead for it.

this is very long but these are my constant thoughts that all happen at once and it feels nice to get them out to piece them together and not feel so overwhelmed with all them at one time in layers upon layers of thoughts. sometimes my vision even goes out and i dissociate and just work blurred vision cross eyed for ten minutes, who knows maybe its an hour. im back there by myself for eight hours a day idk.

#v long #nothing to see here #sorry for clogging your dash #idk how to break it

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aurailia · 6 years

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i was tagged by @likepotato so tysm!!

Last

drink: capri sun 😎

phone call: my mum bc she was supposed to be picking me up from college

text message: my friend jess

song you listened to: someone gets hurt (reprise) - mean girls musical

time you cried: idk actually

ever

dated someone twice: yeah lol

kissed someone and regretted it: yeah bc it was gross and slimy ):

been cheated on: no lol

lost someone special: yeah ):

been depressed: not diagnosed but im sad a lot

gotten drunk and thrown up: no lol

fave color: pinkkkk

in the last year have you

made new friends: i think

fallen out of love: only with fandoms

laughed until you cried: yeah lol -- just today actually

found out someone was talking about you: yeah but it’s fine bc we hate each other and i do the same to her (:

met someone who changed you: no lol

found out who your friends are: ig??

kissed someone on your facebook friends list: i kissed them before i got fb but we’re friends on it now tho if that counts?

how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: all of them bc im safe

do you have any pets: yeah!! A cat called lilly who’s a brat and i love her

do you want to change your name: aurelia would be nice but i’ll stick with jess

what did you do for your last birthday: well u see that was 4 months ago and idk what i did yesterday so -- i think we just had a barbeque and a sleepover bc i got a phone instead of a sweet sixteenth thing so

what time did you wake up today: like 7:40am idk

what were you doing at midnight last night: drawing and watching youtube

what is something you can’t wait for: death

what are you listening to right now: hung up - madonna

have you ever talked to a person named tom: yeah lol -- one’s an absolute mad lad, the other one’s a vegan -- very different people, still both cool tho

something that gets on your nerves: everything lol

most visited website: youtube

hair color: pink

long or short hair: shoulder length

what do you like about yourself: i got pink hair

want any piercings: yeah i want a septum piercing but my mum says no ):

blood type: idk actually

nicknames: jess, bunger, thot, jessicat

relationship status: Single

zodiac: taurus

pronouns: She/her

Fave tv shows: Brooklyn 99, Community, X files

tattoos: none but i want a little kitty paw

right or left handed: left

ever had surgery: yeah bc the top of my finger came off and they had to put it back on, also my eyelid split open once but i think they just glued that back together

piercings: earrings

sport: used to do gymnastics?? Occasionally went mountain biking and walking with parents and even less occasionally went canoeing with them -- started going to the gym tho recently

vacation: yeah i went to menorca with two of my friends in june

Trainers: have i ever trainers???? what????

more general

Eating: rn?? nothing - tho i want party rings ):

Drinking: nothing rn

about to watch: im watching ATLA rn so i can watch Korra bc it looks good

waiting for: bed

want: tbf another cat

want to get married: idk actually

career: smthn artsy

which is better

hugs or kisses: hugs

lips or eyes: depends on the scenario

shorter or taller: i mean im shorter so short ppl are better but if i was going to date someone i want them to be taller than me

older or younger: ,,,????

nice arms or stomach: ???

hookup or relationship: relationship

troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker

have you ever

kissed a stranger: probably??? Im not too sure actually??? Not on the lips i dont think

drunk hard liquor: tastes gross so no

lost glasses: dont wear them

turned someone down: yeah lol

sex on first date: no lol im 16

broken someone’s heart: i wouldnt say i broke their hearts but i just didnt date them

had your heart broken: no lol

been arrested: not yet

cried when someone died: yeah )))::: movies and irl

fallen for a friend: yep but we were like 10?? But then it lasted on and off again for 3 years so,,,,,,

do you believe in

yourself: no lol

miracles: where you from, you sexy thing (honestly tho idk rly,,,)

love at first sight: imo if ur dating it should be for personality and u cant tell that at first glance so no

santa: no ):

kiss on a first date: if u want to sure

Angels: hm

others

best friend’s name: i dont wanna chose between them ): the two ive been friends with for the longest are called Elin and Charlotte

eye color: hazel (so like brown in the middle, green on the outside)

fave movie: uh,,,,, like idk?? What We Do In the Shadows is good, Bridge to Terabithia always makes me cry so that’s good

fave actors: i rly liked aubrey hepburn as a person if that counts?? Havent seen any of her movies yet though -- other than her tho, Chris Hemsworth is a gem, so is Anne Hathaway and Helen Mirren

I'm gonna tag @rainbowdovelove @gallium-plus-yttrium-equals-gay @my-therapist-took-my-superpowers @kissa-bear @legitimaterock @nev-e-r-m-i-n-d @yovngjustice

and like legit anyone who wants to do this just go for it man -- esp if we're mutuals!!

#ask

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mittensmorgul · 6 years

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The thought of Dean stumbling around drunk in the streets (or worse, driving home in that condition) makes me so sad. I mean the whole scenario does; he's 40, so drunk he can't get to the bed, found passed out with a bra wrapped around him and a whiskey bottle. I mean yeesh:-(

Yeah... we know the Clam Diver was “just outside” the town, which implies driving distance and not drunken stumbling distance. If Dean was so drunk that he couldn’t even make himself land on the bed and looked like he was lucky he managed to hit the floor... I mean, he got one shoe off and used it as a pillow.

If he was really that drunk, the bar wouldn’t have let him drive home. They would’ve called him a cab. Not to mention, aside from his tie headband and his shoe pillow, the rest of him looked relatively well put together (buttons buttoned neatly, coat on properly, etc.).

And did he really walk around the rest of the night wearing a pretty pink bra around his neck? Did he wear it to the liquor store where he bought that bottle? Did he wear it walking through the hotel? Because he was too drunk to care about his appearance in a town where he was pretending to be an FBI agent for a case where one boy was missing and another had been rendered mute by his experience?

And if Dean was really so drunk that he didn’t care about any of that, how did he end up in that spot on the floor without waking Sam up? Opening the door in the middle of the night, so drunk that he could barely stand up (and couldn’t even make it to the bed), and yet not so drunk that his stumbling and fumbling woke Sam up?

(here’s the embiggened version)

He was apparently messing with the TV remote as well? How? I mean... how did none of this apparent fumbling around the room not wake Sam up?

It’s like Dean was just tired of Sam pushing at him to just be “okay” again. Because Sam wasn’t really pushing Dean to be okay, he was pushing Dean to perform a specific version of Dean. Not because it would make Dean feel better, but because it would make Sam feel better about how Dean is coping.

Dean: I'm fine.Sam: Look, you're not, Dean. You said you don't believe in anything, and -- and that's not true, that's not you. You do believe in things, you believe in people. That's who you are, that's what you do. I know you're in a dark place and I just want to help.Dean: Okay. Look, I've been down this road before and I fought my way back, I will fight my way back again.Sam: How?Dean: Same way I always do: bullets, bacon, and booze. A lot of booze.

That’s what Sam needed Dean to be, to perform for him. To believe in something again, because yeah, Dean believes in people. He said it in 12.23:

DEAN: Yeah. You know, Cas has faith in this kid.SAM: Mm.DEAN: I hope he's right. But me? I have faith in us. You, me, Mom, Cas. And Crowley. Sometimes.

But within an hour of that, 3/5 of the people Dean believed in were gone. And Sam’s now insisting that Dean just magically be okay with that, just let that go and just transfer all of that belief over to Jack, who Dean directly blames for the loss of the 3/5 people he believed in...

And now that giving Dean the “mission” to help teach Jack (with the hope that Jack might eventually be able to open the rift to fetch Mary again) has failed to help snap Dean out of his funk, Sam is desperate to at least get Dean performing the motions that used to signal his unhealthy coping skills.

Heartily pushing a beer on Dean at breakfast when he just wanted a sandwich, tolerating his music instead of complaining about it, ordering him food he’d normally complain about Dean eating, reading online reviews of a strip club to recommend it to Dean when he typically avoids strip clubs himself, buying Dean hair of the dog. It’s annoying to Dean, but after his display in the motel room, when Sam hands him that bottle, he forgives Sam.

What does he forgive him for? For pushing him to just be okay when he just wanted to be left to grieve in his own way.

Notice Sam doesn’t push him again after that.

Notice also that Dean never drank either breakfast beer.

Sam: You okay?Dean: No. Sam I'm not okay, I'm pretty far from okay. You know my whole life, I always believed that what we do was important. No matter what the cost, no matter who we lost. Whether it was Dad or Bobby or... and I would take the hit. But I kept on fighting because I believed that we were making the world a better place. And now Mom and Cas and I -- I don't know. I don't know.Sam: So you don't believe anymore.Dean: I just need a win. I just need a damn win.

Exactly the mental state Dean had diagnosed Cas with in 12.19. In the past, he’d still had Sam to believe in, the two of them against the world. Just fighting for Sam isn’t enough for him anymore. Something is different this time, and Dean doesn’t feel like he should have to perform the emotional labor to keep up a false front of coping for Sam anymore.

Like twig!Tasha told him in 12.20:

TASHA: Yeah. Family's always complicated. Parents always see smart and strong and perfect. It's only when you grow up that you realize that they're just people.

Sam is finally seeing that Dean is just a person. Not that Sam had ever had illusions about Dean being perfect or whatever, but that act of always believing they could push through anything and come out the other side again isn’t the truth, and has never fully been the truth.

Heck, I’m watching 1.09 in the background while I write this up. And it wasn’t even the truth way back then... Dean kept up the “everything will be fine” act in front of Sam, essentially hid out behind a gas station and made his emotionally charged plea to John for help in the scene we’ve been paralleling to his prayer to God in 13.01.

In 2.04, Sam confronted Dean yet again on how badly he was handling John’s death, after the case they stumbled over while Sam visited Mary’s grave. I mean, THEEEEEMES. Dabb is pulling all of these themes from early seasons, and standing them all on their heads. Because in 2.05, after Dean had spent weeks putting up a front for Sam, the truth is forced out of him by psychic manipulation:

Dean: We hunt demons.Andy: What?Sam: Dean!Dean: Demons and spirits. Things your worst nightmares wouldn't even touch. Sam here, he's my brother...Sam: Dean, shut up!Dean: I'm trying. He's psychic. Kind of like you. Well, not really like you, but see, he thinks you're a murderer, and he's afraid that he's going to become one himself, 'cause you're all part of something that's terrible. And, I hope to hell that he's wrong, but I'm starting to get a little scared that he might be right.

Dean had buried all of this and kept it from Sam, much the same way Sam had buried some things that were pushed out in the open by another psychic manipulation (by a creepy ghost of a psychiatrist at an asylum, conveniently enough)... in 1.10:

Sam: That's the difference between you and me. I have a mind of my own. I'm not pathetic, like you.Dean: So what are you gonna do, huh? Are you gonna kill me?Sam: You know what, I am sick of doing what you tell me to do. We're no closer to finding Dad today than we were six months ago.Dean: Well, then here. Let me make it easier for you. Come on. Take it. Real bullets are gonna work a hell of a lot better than rock salt. Take it!! You hate me that much? You think you could kill your own brother? Then go ahead. Pull the trigger. Do it!

Sam did it. But just like Dean brushing off the confessions Andy pulled out of him after the fact because it had been coercion, Sam brushed off what he’d said in that asylum, too.

Now in s13, Sam is asking-- nay, begging-- Dean to just brush this off again, to fake it ‘til he makes it, and Dean is saying no.

It’s honestly the healthiest damn way they’ve ever reacted in a situation like this.

I have no idea how I turned this ask into actual meta, but here you go.

#spn 13.05 #performing dean #sanitized for sammy #the ghost of john winchester #spn 1.09 #spn 1.08 #spn 1.10 #spn 12.19 #spn 12.20 #spn 12.23 #spn 2.05 #spn 13.01 #winchester family dynamics #breaking the codependency #they still have work to do #Anonymous

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