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amethystina · 1 year

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The Devil Judge Meta: The Bus Scene

Hello and welcome to the chaos.

So, ever since I first saw this drama, I've been OBSESSED with the bus scene for how beautifully it establishes a lot of core traits for both Yo Han and Ga On's personalities. It is, quite simply, a masterpiece. And so, since I've got nothing better to do (*cough, cough*) here's a rambling meta where I scream about it, simply because I can and want to.

Disclaimer: This is by no means a COMPLETE meta of this scene. I will only be focusing on the characters and not, say, the cinematography. And even then I won't include every single detail. I mostly want to gush about how wonderfully this scene takes on the challenge of showing two characters' different personalities through their actions and reactions alone. Don't come at me if I don't talk about everything that makes this scene cool. Also, obviously, these observations are just my opinions and I don't expect everyone to agree. I'm just having fun yelling about characters I like.

Second Disclaimer: I was left unsupervised with Photoshop while having a fever. I take no responsibility for the resulting screenshots.

More under the cut!

And brace yourselves — it's hella long.

Let's just jump right into the action! (mainly because the build-up isn't all that interesting)

The moment the situation becomes clear to Ga On — i.e. that the little girl is in terrible danger — this is his immediate reaction:

Good boy.

I mean, at this point, it's not even a particularly risky decision. The bus is still pretty far away so he should have enough time to grab the girl and run out of there. No biggie. And, clearly, the soldiers aren't going to be doing anything to help her, so it's understandable that Ga On takes it upon himself to do so. SOMEONE has to.

And this is a very good example of Ga On's problem-solving in action. His main priority is saving the victims and his method of choice — run over and grab the girl himself — may be simple, but also very straightforward and effective. It gives an immediate and tangible result. It's a bit impulsive, sure, since he's potentially putting himself in danger, but it also shows his selflessness and sincerity. He doesn't even HESITATE before he starts running since Ga On's problem-solving is very instinctual.

He's a man of action who doesn't waste time on second guesses, doubts, or plans. He sees a situation and intervenes with the method that occurs to him at the time.

So he's a quick thinker, definitely, but he also doesn't have much of a strategy outside of "save the girl." The scope of his solution is narrow, focusing more on rescuing the one in immediate danger rather than defusing the situation. That doesn't mean he's BAD at solving problems — he's actually very clever and reacts and adapts impressively fast — just that he's got a very specific goal in mind and the solution he chooses is usually decided by that goal.

In a tight spot, Ga On's main focus is pretty much always to rescue the victims (or innocents, if you prefer) rather than neutralising or stopping the threat. He is, first and foremost, a protector and saviour.

Which is very noble and heroic. We love that for him.

And Ga On's day would probably have gone a lot better if life hadn't decided to throw a Yo Han-shaped wrench into his reckless but well-meaning plans. Because, WOW, do their respective problem-solving tactics clash.

Case in point:

This shot (aside from being very pretty) is a SPECTACULAR glimpse into Yo Han's mindset and POV. The focus is on the bus — the threat — but we can also clearly tell that, should Ga On try to rise, he and the girl might end up getting shot. There are innocents in between Yo Han and his target — innocents who might get hurt should Yo Han proceed with his planned actions.

And Yo Han still fires.

Which is why I totally don't blame Ga On for making this face:

Like, Ga On later criticises Yo Han for being willing to risk the bus driver's life, but let's not forget that Yo Han was also willing to send a bullet flying over Ga On's head without hesitation. Just as Ga On was about to straighten, no less. That's risky as all hell.

And that brings us to Yo Han's problem-solving.

Unlike Ga On, Yo Han focuses on stopping the bus rather than protecting the victims — he even puts them in MORE danger by firing the gun with them in the crossfire. Which may seem even more reckless than Ga On's method at first glance, if it wasn't for this:

Yo Han is perfectly calm.

Despite the pressure of the situation, he handles it with a cold, almost detached, precision. A precision that probably comes from the fact that he's already assessed how the situation will unfold and how he has to act in order to change its course. As he points out later, the bus would have kept going forward if it hadn't been stopped and, even if Ga On and the girl had managed to run away, there's a potential for countless more victims — soldiers, bystanders, and other employees at the Supreme Court. In neutralising the threat, he saves more lives.

In a sense, this can also be seen as punishing the instigator, as opposed to Ga On's choice of protecting innocents. As Yo Han later admits, he's willing to sacrifice one life to save many — especially when that someone is a bad person.

While Yo Han's actions are undoubtedly ruthless, he also has a wider scope of the situation than Ga On, to the point where they don't even view it the same. To Ga On, the girl getting run over is the problem that needs to be solved. In contrast, to Yo Han, the problem that should be solved is the speeding bus, which, if not stopped, will result in the girl getting run over.

This is why, instead of allowing Ga On and the girl time to run away, Yo Han doesn't lower the gun.

He's there to solve a problem and the speeding bus is the problem, not Ga On or the girl's possible fate. And with such a different core grasp of the situation, it's no wonder their respective solutions clash.

They're trying to solve two completely different problems.

Complete Sidetrack: I've seen some people criticise the realism of this scene because Ga On doesn't try to take the girl and run despite having many chances to do so, but I would argue that the biggest flaw in the realism is the preschool teacher. You're telling me that woman WOULDN'T turn back and try to save that child herself? Has the writer of this show even MET a preschool teacher? That girl is her responsibility! She wouldn't just leave her!

And sure, the woman has other children to take care of, but they're safely across the road already. She can order them to stay put and then run back. I think the only logical reason why she wouldn't is if someone is physically restraining her.

… or if the creators simply wanted a cool scene (that I admit to loving) and didn't really care if they misrepresented this poor woman. Justice for the preschool teacher!

ANYWAY. I DIGRESS.

I LOVE Ga On's face when he realises what just happened and that Yo Han is far from finished.

Because Yo Han more or less holds Ga On and the little girl hostage. Which says quite a lot about his ruthlessness AND his confidence. Yo Han is clearly convinced that his method is the right one — that his aim is good enough to take the risk — and doesn't even give Ga On the option to protest. He literally holds Ga On at gunpoint and forces him to abandon his solution of grabbing the girl and running in favour of Yo Han's plan of stopping the bus. Basically, if Ga On wants to come out of this alive, he'll have to bend to Yo Han's will.

Foreshadowing much?

Like, short of trying to ROLL out of the line of fire, there's not much Ga On can do if he wants to avoid getting himself or the girl shot. He has NO idea when Yo Han might pull the trigger again or exactly where he is aiming.

And, well, as we see here, Ga On is clearly making the right choice by staying put. YIKES, Yo Han.

And this highlights another aspect of Yo Han, which is his arrogance.

We've established that stopping the bus will most likely result in saving more lives, but there was nothing wrong with Ga On's initial response to the situation. Ga On and the girl would have been completely fine if Yo Han hadn't shown up when he did — or had simply chosen to wait a couple of seconds longer before firing the first shot.

Except Yo Han is so certain of his own abilities that he completely ignores what everyone else might be trying to do to solve the situation, to the point where he doesn't even care if he RUINS those efforts. He's already convinced his plan is better. So he essentially steps in and wrenches control away from everyone else — including Ga On — and the consequences could have been catastrophic, especially since he doesn't communicate with the others involved.

And if that isn’t Yo Han in a nutshell, I don't know what is.

Yo Han has no faith in anyone's plans but his own and will pursue them with a single-mindedness that's both alarming and kind of impressive.

If you want something done, do it yourself, I guess?

In some ways, Yo Han even CREATED this situation, with Ga On and the girl remaining in the bus's path. He could easily have let them run off first, but didn’t because he's so convinced he's doing what's best.

Then again, I guess we wouldn't have this shot if he had:

I appreciate your dedication to being a protector, Ga On, but I don't think that's going to make much of a difference.

And this thing, where Yo Han's arrogance and actions are the direct cause for the complications they face, repeats a couple of times in the drama. Sometimes it's because he's stirred up so much shit that people get desperate and, a couple of times, it's because he's underestimated his opponents. And, sometimes, it even seems like it's just out of sheer curiosity, because he wants to see what will happen.

Like how he gets kidnapped and drugged by Sun Ah because he went off the meet her alone in a goddamn shipyard, or how he underestimated what Cha Kyung Hee would do if he pushed her into a corner, and how Sun Ah would never have tried to have Ga On beaten up in the slums if Yo Han hadn't paraded him around like his lovely little househusband, making it blatantly obvious how much he cares about him (which, I will admit, it another favourite scene of mine).

While Yo Han is definitely a good problem solver, he also CAUSES a lot of problems, both for himself and others. The part that I like about that, however — and what sets him apart from a lot of other characters in media — is that he's AWARE of the risks. He's not foolishly making reckless decisions that put him in danger (unlike someone else we know) but simply deems the risks to be worth the endgame. The risks Yo Han takes are calculated and, for better or worse, he's frighteningly good at maths.

But that only makes him seem more ruthless. Since no one else can see his calculations, it can be difficult to follow his logic, even more so since his values and morals are what they are (that's to say: OPTIONAL).

All of that said, while Yo Han is arrogant and very determined to be the one in control, he doesn't do it to show off or brag. He's used to being if not the smartest person in the room, then at least the most efficient one. He, too, is a man of action who will get things done smoothly and efficiently, no matter the cost.

And I do love this moment right here, just after the bus has only narrowly missed Ga On and the girl:

They could have made him look smug — or even pleased — but they didn't. He remains calm and focused because, again, it's not about the glory. Just like his revenge plan, it's all about the mission — the result. He does what he has to in order to reach his goal, simple as that.

While Yo Han definitely carries a lot of intense emotions (some that he should probably talk to a therapist about) he is also incredibly goal-oriented, to the point where he doesn't let his emotions sway his decisions very often. More often than not, if Yo Han does something, it's because he has a plan — a goal or something he wants to accomplish. And he will pursue that goal without hesitation.

But that also means he doesn't really care about who he has to step over in order to get there — including victims and innocents.

Meanwhile, Ga On:

Showing care and concern in a situation like this is pretty natural, I'd say, especially for someone as compassionate as Ga On. OF COURSE he would take the time to make sure the little girl is okay!

Ga On is such a good boy <3

And here's another difference between Yo Han and Ga On, since Yo Han makes no such effort. Which I wouldn't necessarily say means that Yo Han doesn't care, but rather that he doesn't bother to ask for verbal confirmation of something he can clearly see with his own eyes. They weren't hit by the bus so they should be fine. Nevermind possible shock or trauma — that’s definitely not Yo Han’s problem.

The difference IS pretty unsettling, anyway, and we get this shot (which I love):

It's not even particularly long, but the fact that they lock eyes after such a traumatic event and THAT is the face Yo Han makes is… yeah. Say what you will about Ga On and his habit of jumping to conclusions, but I can't really blame him for wondering if Yo Han is a psychopath.

And that's another beauty of this entire scene, since not only does it tell us, the viewers, about these characters, but it also serves as a moment for Ga On to realise what kind of man his new boss actually is. That's to say, someone who doesn't hesitate to shoot despite innocents being in the way, but also chastises the soldiers for not having the guts to do it themselves.

Also, I know I said I wouldn't focus on cinematography, but I just want to point out how beautiful these two shots are:

With Ga On and the girl — the victims, for all intents and purposes — framed by the soldier and Yo Han, which soon shifts into this:

With Yo Han moving to COMPLETELY cover them. It's not only gorgeous from a visual and storytelling perspective, but you can also have a field day analysing what that might mean from a character and symbolic perspective.

But that's another meta, I guess.

Back to the wide-eyed deer Ga On.

For someone as caring as Ga On, Yo Han's behaviour — and lack of compassion — is clearly quite upsetting. For which I honestly can't blame him. A lot of Yo Han's actions up until this point can be explained away as a superior trying to take action and protect his employees, but Yo Han chastising the soldiers for not firing sooner? Yeah, not so much. That is COLD, especially coming from a man who’s in a position of power over practically everyone else at the scene.

Because that's also something to remember: Yo Han doesn't just have power because he forcibly takes command, he also has a lot of authority due to his position.

A position he doesn't hesitate to abuse at points.

And, if we try to view this from Ga On's perspective, that shit is not only upsetting but downright TERRIFYING. Who wants to work for a cold and heartless dictator?

Anyway, back to Ga On being A Good Boy™.

His protective instincts are once again brought back into focus as he rushes to save the bus driver. Like with the girl, he doesn't hesitate, even if he is, once again, putting himself in danger. Saving people is instinctual to him and it doesn't matter who they are — Ga On values lives equally.

… well, until they hurt someone he cares about — then he's Down To Murder.

But that, too, is another meta entirely.

Anyway, Ga On's protectiveness is clearly one of the cornerstones of his character. Not only is he very heroic (though he'd certainly never use that word), but he's also a good caretaker and a very compassionate human being in general.

Meanwhile, Mr. Abyss over here:

Yo Han makes no effort to help Ga On, neither personally nor by sending soldiers to aid him. And while that only serves to make Yo Han seem even more cold and unconcerned, it also makes complete sense considering what we established earlier. Because sending the soldiers to help would only put them at risk as well, should the bus explode before everyone can make it clear. Again, Yo Han chooses the option that will cause less damage and put fewer people at risk (hilariously), even if that means he's willing to forsake the lives currently in danger.

It's simple arithmetic, just like with the driver.

And, well, since he DOESN'T move, we also get this glorious shot:

Everyone else ducks down or gets thrown off their feet, meanwhile, Yo Han just raises a hand to shield his face — as if a wholeass bus exploding is just a mild inconvenience to him.

10/10, Very Impressive. Very Extra.

HOWEVER, after this comes a brief but very fascinating moment, when the fire is roaming and Yo Han's gaze (presumably) lands on Ga On.

During a couple of seconds, Yo Han seems to zone out, just blankly staring. It's the most unfocused he's been during this entire scene and I don't think it's a coincidence that the moment involves fire and Ga On (i.e. Isaac 2.0 – Sugar Baby Edition).

This is a moment that probably won't stand out all that much during a first watch, but holds a lot more meaning once you know Yo Han's backstory. It's an interesting glimpse into something like humanity — and weakness — from Yo Han. And I'm pretty sure it's intentional that most people are too panicked and/or disoriented to notice. While Ga On learns a lot about Yo Han in this scene, this moment — this particular thread, with Yo Han's trauma — is still too early to pull on. It's not until later that Ga On begins to see Yo Han's humanity.

This moment is for US, the viewers, more so than the other characters.

Anyway, in true Yo Han fashion, he's soon back to his regularly scheduled shenanigans.

He still makes no effort to help Ga On or the bus driver, instead settling for a little tilt of his head that could be disapproval, could be approval, or just acceptance of how the last couple of minutes played out. They were, after all, minutes during which Yo Han made no attempt to wrestle control from Ga On, letting him attempt to save the bus driver without intervention. I wouldn't call it an outright test, but it's definitely a moment during which Yo Han waited and watched rather keenly.

Because, naturally, Yo Han is learning about Ga On, too, just like Ga On is learning about him. They're two very observant people and each action and reaction helps them start outlining the other's personality. Yo Han, in particular, has a good reason for cataloguing Ga On's behaviour and reactions, since it'll help him gauge if Ga On will be a hindrance or an asset to his revenge scheme.

And while I don't think that Yo Han is particularly impressed by what Ga On did — it was impulsive and reckless, and Yo Han clearly doesn't care much for heroics — it DID give results. And Yo Han is all about the results. If nothing else, he learned that Ga On is both stubborn and compassionate.

The latter isn't very useful to Yo Han, but the former certainly is. And I have no doubt that he's filing that information away for later.

And, hilariously, this is the point where Yo Han does ANOTHER very Yo Han thing:

Despite being the man with the highest authority at the scene — i.e. the one who should arguably step in, take command, and deal with the aftermath — Yo Han simply turns around and leaves. Once the threat has been handled, he sees no point in staying since his purpose was never to protect or help the people involved — it was to solve a problem.

And since the bus has now been stopped, the problem is solved.

The fact that he also made it explode is clearly not his problem.

He doesn't care about the fallout, even when he's the direct cause. This returns time and time again, where Yo Han is fully prepared to stir shit up, but rarely stays long enough to deal with the consequences. Most notably in the last episode, when he dumps the burn crisp of a judicial system in Ga On's lap and tells him to fix what he broke.

Which is HILARIOUS.

But, honestly, also very reasonable. Say what you will about Yo Han (and I do — very often) but he's a man who knows himself, his strengths, and his abilities incredibly well. And he holds no illusions about being a nurturing person. His strength lies in analysing situations, solving problems, and, for lack of a better term, Fuck Shit Up. He's the wrecking ball — the unstoppable force of nature — not one of the helpers who come after to build it all back up again, better and shinier.

That kind of job is definitely better suited for Ga On, who's kind, compassionate, and driven.

So while it is very irresponsible for the man in charge to just leave in a situation like this, it probably makes sense to Yo Han. Why waste time on something he has no interest in and, in some ways, isn't even particularly good at?

(also, it makes him look WAY cooler if he walks away with that fire burning in the background, I guess, which might also be a factor)

Unsurprisingly, it makes less sense to Ga On who, the moment he starts regaining his bearing, looks up and tries to find Yo Han.

And while I AM tempted to make a joke about always looking for your crush first after a dangerous situation, we all know it’s way too early for that here. No, Ga On looks up partly to see if anyone else has gotten hurt but, also, to look for guidance. It IS Yo Han's responsibility to handle this situation and Ga On is well within his right to expect that of his boss.

Except Yo Han isn't there.

Boss of the Year, this one.

And not only does that convey to Ga On that Yo Han is unpredictable, but also, to some extent, UNRELIABLE. Someone cold and uncaring — someone not to be trusted to uphold his end of the bargain. Someone who causes a lot of damage, but will leave it to others to mend the wounds.

And, clearly, Ga On is VERY disappointed.

In short, Yo Han doesn't really make a good first OR second impression on Ga On. Though I would argue that Yo Han couldn't care less about that, which probably only makes Ga On MORE frustrated, since he's clearly more of a traditionalist, who believes in being polite, accommodating, and taking responsibility. And while Yo Han has no trouble taking responsibility in certain regards — like admitting that he was willing to kill the bus driver if he had to — it's not in the considerate, altruistic way that Ga On no doubt would prefer to see in a superior.

Yo Han doesn't give a flying fuck about propriety and politeness, and when he's being a good boss or kind to strangers, it's usually performative.

Which, again, is why I don't blame Ga On for wondering just what kind of person Yo Han is. Even just in this one scene, Yo Han doesn't exactly come across as very sympathetic. Cool, efficient, and ruthless as fuck, sure, but definitely not the kind of guy you want to be working with. Which is only made all the more obvious when it's put next to Ga On's somewhat reckless but ultimately well-meaning and selfless acts of compassion.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that they're each other's opposites, but this scene goes a long way to show the differences in Ga On and Yo Han's personalities, mindsets, and values. And it doesn't necessarily take sides or try to tell you which is better, just that they're different. Both have pros and cons.

Ga On is kind, caring, and will do whatever it takes to protect innocents, but that also makes him reckless and unpredictable.

Yo Han is calm, efficient, and always has a carefully calculated plan, but that also makes him cold and ruthless.

All of this from one single scene.

They learn so much about each other — and we about them — in this one scene that you don't really need much more to understand just how violently these two opposing forces are going clash as the drama progresses. This scene is MARVELLOUS.

Even more so since they don't speak a WORD to each other.

They talk to side characters, but not each other and still, SOMEHOW, this one scene contains so much information — so much TENSION — that you can cut it with a knife. This, even more so than their first meeting, is where the foundation for their relationship is laid and they manage to do it entirely through actions and reactions.

These two will be the death of me, I swear.

In conclusion: FUCK YES I LOVE THIS DRAMA.

You can pry it from my cold, dead hands.

End of meta.

#The Devil Judge #The Devil Judge Meta #Kang Yo Han #Kim Ga On #Gahan #This has been brewing for a while #And I finally decided to actually get it done #But also #Guys #This is ridiculously long #And the screenshots are incredibly stupid #This is why I shouldn't write meta #I don't know how to do things by halves #Or how to stop making stupid jokes #I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for that 'Sugar Baby Edition' thing #I choked on my tea when I read the draft and realised what I'd written #I should clearly not be trusted with Photoshop OR a word processor #But yeah #Have some excessively detailed meta

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pinacoladamatata · 2 months

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eating my popcorn watching all this drama go down irt the larian discord server

#like i never joined but the whole discord community relationship thing fascinates me from a psych perspective #like in a miller exp or stanford prison exp way #i am aware of the irony of this coming from a blog on tumblr where i act stupid on purpose #but i do think the entire larian discord has been incredibly unprofessional both from larian's employees and the moderators/support team #but. this isn't a hospital where i. like. care. this is my silly blog where i post dumb shit and wow are you guys seeing this?#like im am just trying to imagine. like if my hospital had an 'official discord' where staff interacted w the public like that #i cant. actually. because i've fired people for taking pics in clinic. this shit is wild #like no one seems to really know whats going on and some ppl are claiming larian hate modders/1 or 2 modders specifically #while others are like. no they dont; it just sucks having to reverse engineer the script extender etc #and then there's the google doc thing of like thousands of screenshots of the discord mod chat which i WISH i had the time to study #it makes me realize how little i know about the whole online moderater lifestyle thing that happens on discord and reddit etc #anyway im curious and nosey always so this is interesting to me #and the drama of it all takes my mind of other horrible things for a bit

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dramatic-dolphin · 3 months

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if u ever think i post too many idiotic reddit comments just be glad you're not my sister bc i only post like 20% of what i show her

#the two screenshots in that surprise popular post were only the tail end of like a dozen more screenshots i sent to her #i'm addicted to reading people's dumb fucking takes on r/aita especially that shit is like crack to me #as always i blame my blood pressure #anyways. just saw a thread full of incredibly fucking stupid comments 👍

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i-am-literally-deranged · 2 years

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Arrested for being a public menace

#Venti #Genshin Impact #OKAY SO CONTEXT FOR THIS #My wife showed me this video she took of me three years ago at the Ren Fest #Me my wife and my best friend went together as a sort of like. Adventuring party #He was a mage of some sort #I was a bard #and she was a cleric #The video is of me locked in thw stocks for the crime of being a bard #My tankard of ren fest mead sitting by my feet #singing Always Look On The Bright Side of Life (Monty Python)#SOME NOTES my bard outfit was all red and included this stupid little floppy minstrel hat #The vibe was ENTIRELY just. Colour inverted Venti #This was the most Venti shit I have ever SEEN #a year before Venti even existed #So of course I had to draw Venti over a screenshot of me in this fucking video #This took like half an hour and most of it is traced directly off of the picture of me #but for something so incredibly low effort I think it cane out really cute!!#who gave fish a pen

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erikisser · 1 year

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also i took the whole having a kpop wallpaper without making it obvious that it's kpop to another level today by making this my home screen

this is sunwoo's face in the snow from this tiktok. do you guys think this is too obvious 😰

#lit went to take this screenshot and couldn't stop laughing bc it's so fucking stupid #and the way it looks is so fksjfjdjdh #i'm gonna throw myself in a blender brb #like i said i'm incredibly normal about him #000

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christaline · 1 year

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Someone i follow said in a few months ppl will start to call any art they dont like or deem “problematic” as ai art and it’s gonna devolve into calling real ppl’s shit ai generated and it looks like it didn’t even take months just like a few weeks.

#the person in the screenshot is right I’m just saying #that took less time than I thought #i dont care what ur opinion on ai art is personally i think #i have come to the conclusion that both sides sounds incredibly stupid when they talk abt it #but it’s detractors r more annoying

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cattailtales · 1 year

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you ever read a take that is So Fucking Bad that it’s got you like

#it HAS to be satire. really incredibly poorly composed satire.#like there could not possibly be someone out there that is THIS FUCKING STUPID right? right?..#BRO like even OTHER ENDVR STANS are in the fucking notes like ‘what the fuck is wrong with you’#my ears started to ring I was getting so mad reading this LMFAO #ftr I sought it out on purpose tho. some1 else posted a screenshot and I just. couldnt resist #I don’t always read the shittiest metas on earth written by ppl with their heads shoved so far up their asses they’re breaking world records #but when I do by GOD are they fucking shit.#anyway. I think I need to go do hard drugs to wipe this one from the ol’ memory banks.#madara. tengai shinsei this fool.#a cattail tale

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teaboot · 4 months

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I hope it's okay that I took a screenshot, cause I felt that this deserved it's own post.

It's a good question, and as someone with a needle phobia myself it's one I have some experience with and feel I can speak on.

It's going to sound stupid, but it's this:

First, keep facing your fear. I personally elected to start donating blood, which sucked ass, but helped me get used to the feeling of having a needle in in safe environment, and celebrating the small victory every time I finished was a good motivator to keep going back.

What I did then was focus on what my body was doing. Was I breathing fast? Tensing up? Sweating? Going cold? Was I shaking? Where? Was it better to fidget, or hold still? Did closing my eyes help? Plugging my ears? I got familiar with my own physical reactions so I could start to separate them from my mental reactions.

Now when I experience a panic response, I'm not just objectively aware that my body is doing it's own thing- I genuinely feel that my body is acting on it's own. I'm stressed, but not SCARED, because my brain doesn't just know that it's safe- it FEELS safe. I'm emotionally strung out and on edge, but I'm not totally losing myself anymore. I can have a conversation while it's happening.

Now, sometimes I can see someone use a syringe for small procedures without flinching and closing off. Not often, but it's miles ahead of where I used to be. I can hold an epipen. I can use safety gear to dispose of abandoned needles outside my work. I don't think I could give myself an injection if I needed to, because I know I still lock up, but the idea of someone else doing one on me isn't viscerally repellant.

So... not cured here yet, but better.

TLDR: Baby steps, keep trying, pay attention to your body, celebrate successes.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Taking steps to confront a phobia has to be a choice. Forcing someone else to confront their phobia when they ARE NOT READY, WILLING, OR PREPARED is incredibly distressing and can make things way worse. And with how completely fucking miserable and exhausting a panic response feels, choosing not to "just confront it" is a totally valid and understandable choice. Like choosing not to run a 100 mile marathon barefoot. If you find yourself tempted to trick or pressure someone into amateur exposure therapy, don't. I'll fucking find you

Again, this is just what's been working for me, but if you wanna try it, I wish you luck! ♡

#Needles cw #Syringes cw #Medical cw #Phobias #trypanophobia #Teaboot

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mrchiipchrome · 7 months

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Helmet

W.C.- 1,7 k

prompt 8. -Loving you was a hazard, so I got my heart a helmet. prompt 11. -Oh I’m down on my hands and knees, begging you please. prompt 13. -I’m feeling so tired, really falling apart.

A/n: this started out as a song blurb, but it became too long. anyways if you want to request there's a prompt list linked in the masterlist :)

-----------------

You knew it was risky to date the ‘fuckgirl’ of the team, but as she flashed you that cheesy loving smile, all those worries slipped to the back of your head. She was no longer the hot girl that your teammates told you to stay away from, she was just your Leah.

Your Leah that would kiss you oh so tenderly, your Leah who would look you in the eyes and tell you she loved you, your Leah who had you convinced that she’d changed. Your Leah who wasn’t yours.

When you notice the first signs of your declining relationship, you outright chose to ignore them. To this day you can’t understand why you did what you did, maybe you had inherited the same naivety as your mother, maybe you were just too in love with the blonde.

Either way, it didn’t matter, not when she wasn’t yours to love.

When Leah started password protecting all her devices like she had done in the earliest stages of your relationship, you should have packed your bags and left. But you didn’t listen to that gut feeling that told you something was up, now you know to always trust your gut.

Then came the secrecy, the one that made you feel so stupid and like you were a stranger in your own relationship. Leah would leave you at random points during the day, claiming that the physio needed her to come in for a ‘quick session’, technically she wasn’t wrong it was just a different type of session than you thought.

After that most of the sweet, intimate moments began to wither away. You no longer got a kiss goodbye nor did you get to do something as simple as hold her hand. And when you finally did get an intimate moment with her, it was like she didn’t mean her actions. She didn’t mean the kiss she would press so feather light to your lips, the kiss that once meant so much.

Leah was slipping through your fingers, and the worst thing was that there was nothing you could do about it.

But it was really when she started to come home with gifts after her every outing that the pattern truly emerged. It was eerily similar to how it had been when your father had been having an affair with his secretary. You feel so incredibly stupid when all the puzzle pieces finally fall into place, of course history has to repeat itself. I mean it was just your luck.

No matter how disgusting you feel at the thought of invading Leah’s privacy, it was essential for you to get your proof.

So when Leah decides to take a shower at your place after another ‘session’ with the physio, you take the opportunity to look through her phone.

It only takes you two tries to get it unlocked, the woman having the audacity to have it as your birthday. It takes even less time to find the proof you need, the overly suggestive comments between her and one of the assistant physios telling you everything you needed to know about their less than appropriate activities.

By the time Leah exits the bathroom in one of your fluffy towels, you’ve already screenshotted it and sent it to your phone, the naked photos on her phone so revolting that you have to keep yourself from throwing up all over your expensive rug.

“What are you doing with my phone?” Leah questions carefully, her wet hair splayed over her strong shoulders and dripping onto your floor.

“What in the fuck does it look like I’m doing Leah fucking Williamson?” You shoot back at her, the usually overconfident woman retreating back at your tone.

“It looks like you’re invading my privacy.” You can’t help the scoff that escapes your lips, Leah always finding a way to flip all the blame onto you.

“I can’t believe you, I’m not even sure why I’m surprised. Of course that’s what I get for dating a fuck girl.” The offended look that appears on Leah’s face only makes you chuckle harder, the mask of finding the whole situation funny hiding the hurt you felt at her betrayal.

“Baby, I promise it’s not what it seems like. We’re only friends.” Leah hurries the words out, trying her hardest to make you believe them.

“Oh it’s not what it seems like, IT’S NOT WHAT IT SEEMS LIKE!? ‘I had fun last night, we should do it again sometime;)’ or maybe ‘Be careful, I think Y/n’s on to us.’ that does not sound like something I’d say to a friend.” The firmness in your voice worries center back, never having heard it sound like that.

“Baby please, I didn’t mean it-”

“You’re pathetic and a FUCKING HAZARD TO LOVE Leah Williamson! I mean, I knew the whole ‘love’ thing would be risky, but god damn it Leah loving you is a hazard and I really should’ve gotten my heart a helmet while I had the chance.” You finish off your rant, moving towards your own door fully intent on leaving her there in your apartment.

Just as you pass her on the way to your door, Leah grabs hold of your hand tightly, willing you not to go out the door.

The blonde soon found herself on her knees in front of you, your frame towering over her.

“Baby, I’m down on my hands and knees begging you to not go. I love you so much and that girl was a mistake. I promise, just please give me another chance.” Her desperate voice rings out through the apartment, and the slight chuckle that escapes your mouth is enough for the tears to start streaming down her face.

“Get up. GET UP I SAID! I’m not going to accept any of your pathetic attempts to get me to forgive you. You knew exactly how I felt about cheaters yet you went and cheated on me, congratu-fucking-lations Leah, you lost me the second you started sleeping with that tramp. Now I’m going to give you four days to get your shit out of my apartment or else I’m burning it, you understand?” Leah nods her head frantically, her wet tears landing on your cheeks where you wipe them away.

Continuing on your way to the door, Leah’s choked up voice stops you in your tracks for the last time.

“Where are you going?” Sighing, you respond as quickly as you could, hand on the doorknob.

“I’m staying with a friend, don’t contact me and don’t try to find out who I’m staying with. I have proof of your affair so don’t even try to test me.” And with that, you’re out the door, leaving Leah to pick up the pieces of her heart she herself broke.

The rain soaks through your hoodie and all the way down through to your socks. Just great, of course the weather had to match your mood.

The alkaline water falling from the sky mixes with the tears falling down the vicinity of your face and paints a painstakingly beautiful portrayal of how it feels to love someone even after they’ve wronged you. How it feels to be betrayed the way you were.

Arriving at the house where your favorite lives, you can’t help but feel completely defeated when they open the door, the fight no longer in you at all.

“Y/n? What are you doing here?” Beth asks you as she swings the door open, seeing your slumped over form, despair written all over your face.

“She fucking cheated on me” You cry, Beth holding your rain soaked sobbing body in her arms.

As Viv appears around the corner she looks questioningly at Beth, but the woman holding you just gestures to the upstairs area. Viv gets the hint quickly and disappears up the stairs to get you some dry clothing, your current ones plastered to your skin like a second skin.

“I loved her so much and she cheated on me. Why’d she cheat on me Bethy? Am I really that hard to love properly?” The sobbed words feels like a stab in the heart for the older woman, she knew she should’ve told you exactly why Leah was bad news.

“Shhh shhhh, it has nothing to do with you sweetie. Leah’s bad news and she’s truly stupid for doing that to you.” Viv rejoins you, patting your shoulder awkwardly while trying to help Beth console you. It only gets her a glare, and she makes the motion of going to the kitchen to put the kettle on.

“I’m feeling so tired Bethy, she’s really succeeded in making me fall apart this time.” Beth leads you over to the bathroom and hands you the dry clothes to put on, the comforting smell of them leaving you to think about how Leah’s used to be equally as comforting.

Back at your apartment, Leah sits slumped over on the shiny hardwood floor, tears streaming down her face. The realization that she just destroyed the best thing that had ever happened to her came like a punch in the gut.

She’d never loved someone like you before, having been hurt the same way she just hurt you so many times before. Leah can’t help but think back on the beautiful times you had together, the feeling of being so incredibly loved, something she’d never felt from a romantic partner before.

She had gotten scared of her own emotions and she had hurt you in the process, if she could she would go back and stop herself from ever texting that girl back.

Like a wise woman once said, you never know what you’ve got until you’ve lost it.

At the same time, you’re laying with your head in your best friend's lap and your feet in your other one’s. Tears slip down your cheeks and color the older woman’s pant leg a darker version of its earlier shade.

Yeah, the next time your friends warn you about someone, you’re sure as hell going to take their advice.

#woso #lionesses #woso x reader #arsenal wfc #leah williamson #leah williamson x reader #song prompt blurb

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natigail · 2 months

Text

Question *Dan teasing Phil by making the screenshot almost too small for him to read*: I know you said souls aren't real and love isn't real and human consciousness is just a main character syndrome coping about our evolutionary processes *Dan laughing* but after seeing two nights of theatre full of people who came all over the world to support you, do you feel loved?

Phil: That was an eye test.

Dan *laughing*: That actually was.

Phil: And a vocal cord test.

Dan: Oh wow, and I gave you the yappiest question. Yapping after my own heart, thank you, jmascot978.

Phil: Seeing them all doing a standing ovation you must have thought, ah, I feel a little loved.

Dan: It's a comedy show, not everything I'm saying is serious. I'm mostly just joking and being stupid. I did-I felt incredibly grateful.

Phil: Aww.

Dan: You know what I mean?

Phil: Yeah.

Dan: Imagine how awkward it is being me saying all of that shit to a room full of people.

Phil: What do you mean?

Dan: At the end.

Phil: Yeah, it's very intense.

Dan: And then it's like... thank you. You know what I mean? So, yeah. It's all good.

#dan and phil #dan and phil quotes #we're all doomed #dan howell #phil lester #phandom

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rosewaterandivy · 6 months

Text

got lovesick all over my bed

Summary: it might be worth it for once.

Warnings: facetime shenanigans, rockstar!gf had one too many glasses of merlot, my usual brand of filth™️

a/n: be a slut, do whatever you want!

🎶 everyone wants him, that was my crime, the wrong place at the right time 🎶

It was stupid.

Borne of desperation and one too many glasses of red wine, and it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Steve was off filming for the next few weeks and you were back in an empty house in Laurel Canyon. You tried, unsuccessfully, to not be a bitter Betty about it all; oh, woe is me! My incredibly talented boyfriend has to go back to work.

Were you even his girlfriend?

Jesus Christ.

It’s been what, less than two weeks and you’re already spiralling.

Shuffling from the couch you pocket your phone and try to ignore the desire to double-text.

Hey

Could you be any more pathetic? Hadn’t even “defined the relationship,” whatever that meant, and already slipping. You know he’s busy, on-set, and suffering through night shoots in the desert somewhere.

Leaning against the island of your kitchen, you uncork some wine and pour it into a glass. Watching as the crimson liquid sloshes against the curved glass, you idly wonder if you should seal the deal and live your best Olivia Pope fantasy by having popcorn for dinner.

Before you could think better of it, you felt the subtle vibration of your phone in your pocket,

S.H.: Hey yourself

wow, so clever

wow, so bratty

You bit your lip and took a sip of wine in an attempt to quell the low swoop of your stomach.

The texts were intermittent for the next hour or so before he was called back to set. It was a nice distraction from the utter lack of plans you had for the evening. Your producer had sent over the final mix of your new album that you needed to proof and sign off on, so that was the plan while Steve was off filming for the next few hours.

He’d asked if he could call you later, once filming wrapped for the evening and you’d agreed not realizing that it would be nearing 2 a.m. and you’d be half a bottle in.

Settled back in your bedroom freshly showered and laptop atop the duvet cover, you’re only briefly startled when the FaceTime ring trills out.

“Shit!”

You quickly pause the song you were listening through and hope you look halfway decent before answering Steve’s call. Mussing your hair, you minimize the image of yourself and enlarge the one of him.

“Hey sweetheart.”

Steve smiles slow and sweet, huffing a laugh at your poor attempts at primping.

“Stop messing with your hair, you look great.”

“Uh huh,” you brush off with a smirk, “Watch me make red wine drunk the next trendy TikTok look.”

He looks to be back at the Palm Springs house, settled against the headboard of the bed that you swore was going to fall off the wall from the sheer amount of times he’d fucked you into the mattress the last time you visited.

Your skin warms at the thought.

“Can’t wait.” He smiles and takes a screenshot as you flip him off, he’s always doing shit like that— his iPhone or one of his many film cameras or, your least favorite, FaceTime. Says he has to have up-to-date photos of you for the Missing Person posters he'll make once the coyotes finally get you out in the Canyon.

What a dork.

“How was your day?”

“Oh fine,” you say with a sigh. “Did a whole bunch of nothing, showered, I was proofing the final tracks for the album and then you called.”

“Oh,” he pulls a face, grimacing because he thinks he’s disrupted you at work, “I can fuck off if you—”

“Harrington, if you finish that sentence I swear to god—”

“Fine, fine,” he relents with a chuckle and runs a hand through his hair, knocking the glasses off of his head. “So that’s where these went.”

You roll your eyes, this man, honestly.

“You alright?”

“Yeah, just tired is all.” He heaves a sigh. “These night shoots are the fucking worst.”

You hum, “I can imagine. The cold desert at night?” You blow a raspberry, “And you’re worried about coyotes carrying me off?”

“I have a vested interest in your safety, y’know.”

“Oh, I’m well aware.” You tease, taking another sip of wine. “I got thick thighs and a fat ass, and the only person I want to eat me is you.”

“Aww, I’m touched.” Steve laughs, hand to his heart. “Look at you, gettin’ all sappy and borderline cannibalistic over FaceTime.”

“I know,” you demure and bat your lashes. “I’m so emotionally mature.” Setting the glass on the nightstand, you lean forward inadvertently giving him a generous view of your tits.

“Anyway,” you sit back against the pillows of your bed. “What’re you wearing, honey?”

It’s like his brain glitches for a moment or two, and he needs to reboot.

“Uh,” he glances down with a furrowed brow. “Boxer briefs.”

“Thrilling.”

Could it be that Steve’s never done something like this before? It hadn’t been exactly discussed between you, but he was looking so delectable and you missed him so much.

Fuck it.

“What about you?”

A slow smile splits your face, a waggle of your brows. “I thought you’d never ask.”

Instead of a verbal reply, you pan the camera down to display your latest lingerie acquisition— pale pink and adorned with tasteful floral embroidery, because Steve is a sucker like that. You can hear him swallow and his shallow breaths from the speakers.

“D’ya like it?”

“Fuck.”

There was a rustling sound as he settled more comfortably on the bed. The room lights were dimmed casting shadows across his bronzed skin, an errant lock of hair falling in his face. His voice was so low when it came through the speakers that it sent heat straight to the pit on your stomach, “Wish you were here.”

“Me too baby,” you purr and set the macbook further down on your bed. “Tell you what,” you say taking a final sip of wine, “Why don’t you go ahead and record this for those lonely desert nights, hmm?”

His eyes nearly fall out of his skull. “Y’sure?”

“Course I am handsome.”

He was leaned over in front of the camera, undoubtedly attempting to prop it up on something and hit record.

“Gonna be good for me?” you rasp when he comes back into view, “Let me take my time with you?”

Steve nods, eyes finding yours as his breaths even out. You watched him hook his thumbs into the band of the boxer briefs and drag them down his toned thighs on screen. His hard length sprung to his stomach once the waistband passed his tip, hard and thick where it lay. You licked your lips.

He took himself slow, his fist tight at his tip as he slid down his length at an excruciating pace. That was how he usually slid into you, savoring that first push as you surround his cock in your warmth.

Your core fluttered in time with the stroke of his palm, slow and deep passes up and down his length that would no doubt feel like ecstasy inside you.

“Feel good baby?”

You own hand skates down your torso, lingering here and there before ever so gently brushing against your clit.

“Thinkin’ about my pretty mouth wrapped around your cock?”

He let out a moan, eyes rolling back at a particularly good stroke.

Fingers stuttering over your clothed clit, your free hand snakes behind you to unclasp the bra and let it fall down your arms.

You watched as he fell back fully on the bed, his hand picking up pace as the other reached down to cup his balls. A choked moan came from the screen followed by even more hushed words.

“Miss you daddy,” you whine. “Want your big cock fucking my mouth n’ gettin’ me all messy.”

Barely able to swallow around your dry mouth, you watched him lift his head and watched his hand stroke his length. Steve’s face was obscene; eyebrows furrowed deeply and mouth hanging open in pleasure.

You were overstimulated if anything, never imagining you would have such a visual of him getting off while you were beyond wet, almost uncomfortably so. Your clit pulsed as you caught on screen Steve moan a choked fuck as he writhed on his borrowed bed.

Fingers pressing headily against your clit, you rubbed tight circles around the slick bud at the sight on the screen. Couldn’t remember the last time you’d been this wet for long-distance sex, no matter the hour. Dipping your fingers beneath the lace of your underwear, the slick of your slit wetting your fingertips.

A small whimper left your lips as the contact, wishing that they were Steve’s fingers slipping through your folds instead.

“Fuck, I’m so wet for you.”

He cursed deeply as he slowed his pace, mostly likely trying to hold out from coming too soon. Everything made it hard for you to articulate what you wanted at that moment.

On screen Steve brought you back, his head tilted back as he pumped his length beautifully. You could see his stomach tensing. You could see the tops of his thighs jumping before they disappeared from the camera’s view where they hung off the edge of the bed. You could see his jaw clench every time his tight fist circled his tip. The sound of him spit slick and stroking himself was so lewd paired with his pants and moans.

While you were enamored with the screen, the fingers of your free hand brushed your nipples. You couldn’t stop your gasp if you wanted to. Every touch had your cunt clenching and begging for attention.

You could tell he was close, and kept teasing your skin but refrained from dipping a finger into your slit. Your breathing was labored, soft whines elicited from the back of your throat as on screen Steve moaned your name.

“So pretty daddy, wanna see you come so bad.”

He was breathless at hearing your words, the low rasp of your voice filtering through the speakers. Fuck, does he miss you.

You sigh again, whimper like a little punctuation, sheets rustling. “Thinkin’ bout your tongue and how wet you make me,” and your voice is so low, so needy, “I wish you were here. Touching me all over.” And the picture in his mind of you, so pretty and open, wild at the mere memory of him—

“Keep going. Think about me riding you, baby. Slow at first, how you like, taking you a little bit at a time. You’re always so hard.”

There it is, egging his own fist on to match the pace of a subtle and steady sluiced-up rhythm, your fingers working over, inside, back out, twisting and turning.

He’s lost in the way his heart pounds all the harder at the sounds you make because it means you’ve let yourself go. How you’d scramble for his fingers next, lacing them through yours, squeezing him there and everywhere.

And oh, how exquisite you look with that sheen of sweat across your chest. Hovering over him like a goddess and fucking him like a wet dream.

“Baby,” red lip pulled pale between his teeth, hands working in tandem—imitation and imagination constructing a well-oiled machine in your absence. “Baby, fuck. Miss you on me—miss you fucking me. God–”

“Yeah? Gonna come?” You’re panting, too, noises high and obscene, the background echo of your hand growing more frantic and unrestrained. “Me too, pretty boy. I want to do everything with you—have all of you. Your hands, your mouth, your cock.”

It’s all too fast. Your words, his words, your hands, his hands. Feels like he’s barely started when his eyes roll back against his lids. He’s spilling out, over his fist, up his clenched abdomen, body pulled tight, panting heavy and hard as he tugs at himself a few more times, breathing and listening, heart rattling against his ribcage when you whimper one last time.

Watching him come was enough to bring you hurtling over the edge, fingers pumping messily in and out of your sopping cunt, imagining yourself there and clenching around him instead. Your eyes flutter close, your release drenching your hand.

Steve aches then. His eyes flutter open. Heat smothered cold and lonesome like the embers of a dying fire. His neck hurts. His heart hurts.

“Babe,” you say and he hears it in you, too—the same ache, the same want. Like at the end of every call you’ve made to him since you’d left Palm Springs.

“When you get back,” you sigh, the telltale mantle of sleep falling over you, “I’m gonna let you know just how much I miss you.”

He’s hot all over, chasing the ghost of your doting kisses, the phantom touch of your skillful hands. “Jesus, sweetheart.”

A cheeky wink followed by a sleepy wave, and then you’re gone.

He closes out of FaceTime and types out a text to Robin.

Need an appointment with Lorraine Schwartz ASAP pls.

And if he peruses the jeweler’s instagram studying engagement rings for the next hour, well, no one needs to know.

#steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x you #steve harrington fanfiction #steve harrington smut #stranger things fanfiction #modern!actor steve #hmlhr #Spotify

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omegalomania · 2 years

Note

Wait why does everyone hate brendon urie again?

i was tempted to just say "google it" but honestly panic's pr team is working doubletime to sanitize this bastard so here's a quick primer for those who are out of the loop.

this got long so i’m putting it under a cut. as a warning, this is going to have discussions and screenshots of people saying and doing extremely morally reprehensible shit, including racist, homophobic, and transphobic language, sexual harassment of minors, and more. tread with caution.

i'm also going to top this off with the caveat that brendon has a history of saying generally stupid and casually shitty things that a lot of people have noticed and called attention to, but these were largely unremarkable in the sense that they were the sort of things that i was not surprised to hear a privileged cis dude say. so while that's definitely a factor - the guy has said very shitty, openly racist, gross things, etc., numerous times and on numerous platforms and i do not want to overlook that - i also don't want to pretend like that’s the only thing going on here because there is a lot of other heinous shit at work.

i’m also not going to go into the intricacies of song meanings or lyrics and the like aside from a couple touchstone examples. it’s pretty public knowledge by now that i don’t know how but they found me (henceforth referred to as idkhow, fronted by dallon weekes, who worked/toured with panic for a good eight years as its bassist) has quite a few numbers that take implicit and explicit aim at panic, most prominently the video for their single “do it all the time,” which featured dallon setting fire to all the suits he used to wear on tour with the band. it’s an open secret that dallon was not treated very well during his time with panic, but we’ll get to that. the point here is that i don’t want to focus on conjecture of speculation when we have a wealth of very hard evidence at our disposal.

so let’s get into it.

the real Poop started up late 2019 iirc, when numerous panic fans started passing around stories about zack hall, panic's bodyguard and security guy who had been with the band since the fever era. as the only person who had actually been with the band as long as brendon himself, zack had a fair amount of sway with the fans and was notably very very close with brendon. as more and more people spoke up, it became apparent that zack had done a whole lot of things that i would term as "incredibly fucked up" over the years with people being generally afraid to say anything. it’s been pointed out to me that these accusations only picked up traction around that time; fans have been raising flags about zack’s behavior for years without any reaction from panic’s management.

around this time, discussion began circulating that brendon himself had sexually harassed/assaulted multiple fans (many of them minors at the time). some of these accusations, such as his attempt to solicit nudes from fans, have proven to be way muddier to and harder to confirm, seeing as brendon was allegedly not in charge of his socials for some of this time and one of the people using his handles to solicit fans for nudes was reportedly a former stalker of his, chelsey lynn.

i think it is worth noting that brendon has brought up his history with “stage gay” with founding member, guitarist, composer, and lyricist ryan ross and mentioned that brendon’s attempts to get handsy on stage were not always taken kindly (emphasis mine):

For our first headline tour I would go up to Ryan our guitar player, and like kiss him on the neck or kiss him on the mouth and he would be so mad. I was like, I just want to kiss you bro.

(that’s also the interview where brendon tried to both-sides the issue of roseanne being a hideous fucking racist. so, fun stuff.)

in any case, it took brendon four months to respond to any of the accusations leveled at him and zack. he ended up doing so by filming a two-minute apology on his twitch account (which was locked to subscribers only, meaning it was essentially monetized) [twitter thread summary for those who can't stomach it], only to say that he was just too anxious to say anything and that while zack had been removed from his position, he and brendon would remain close friends. he did not respond to any of the allegations against himself, and proceeded to basically go completely radio silent on all social media until reemerging in 2022 to promote viva las vengeance.

(contrast to this to how speedily he fired touring guitarist kenny harris in 2018 when multiple allegations arose that he was soliciting underage girls. he was removed from the tour in less than twenty-four hours. while the expediency of this was praised at the time, it retroactively raises a lot of questions as to how much brendon and/or zack knew about this behavior beforehand and were simply waiting for a good PR call to do something about it.)

brendon seeing no issues with zack’s behavior and only doing something about it when backed into a corner is very much not a good look, and is suggestive of the possibility that he’s complicit in or at the very least tolerant of this kind of fuckery.

but wait. theres more.

beyond the genuine fucked up behavior, brendon also has a history of severely mistreating his bandmates. we could get into the politics of the infamous schism that split founding member ryan ross (along with bassist jon walker) from brendon and the band’s drummer, spencer smith, but that is its own bag of worms and this post is long enough already. that drama is very well-covered. however, i think it’s worth noting that out of every single member of the band that has come through it, both creative contributor and touring member, the only former member to depart the band amiably was spencer, who took his leave because of struggles with alcoholism. he’s the only one who remains on good terms with brendon to this day, but he’s also technically brendon’s boss at this point since he helps manage the label dcd2, of which panic at the disco is a part.

most apparent and well-documented of brendon’s spotty history with his own bandmates is his treatment of dallon weekes and his wife, breezy weekes, while the former was writing and touring with the band. in that little zack hall clusterfuck above you can see places where breezy talked about being repeatedly harassed but electing to keep quiet so that dallon wouldn't risk losing his job. reportedly they both went to panic's management to put a stop to it, but the bad behavior continued, with both zack hall and brendon’s wife, sarah urie, as propagators. there was public outcry as people insisted that dallon and breezy were making this up for attention. however, eventually former touring guitarist (from 2009-2012) ian crawford (along with his sister), both spoke up to corroborate that zack's behavior (and brendon's enabling of it) were very much recurring issues and were part of the reason that ian left panic in the first place. ian's twitter is no longer active, so all i have are screenshots on tumblr for this one.

dallon has not spoken of his time spent with panic with much fondness. he replaced bassist jon walker in 2009 and contributed creatively on both vices and virtues (2011) and too weird to live, too rare to die (2013). for the former, he was responsible for the concept and album art. for the latter, he got writing credit for all but two of the tracks (casual affair and end of all things), and you can even find an early version of "far too young to die" that was originally penned for one of dallon's earlier projects, the brobecks. the controversial track "girls/girls/boys" (as well as “all the boys”) from too weird was written for dallon's wife, breezy, as a celebration for her pansexuality. the finished product would end up being about an alleged threesome brendon had.

in 2015 dallon stated that he would no longer be involved in panic’s writing process but would continue to serve as touring bassist before departing officially in 2017 and focusing all his efforts on the aforementioned idkhow along with former falling in reverse drummer (and former fellow brobecks bandmate) ryan seaman. while dallon has remained relatively cagey about his time with panic (as is entirely within his rights), he has on occasion commented that he often felt bullied and belittled in the workplace, and once referred to zack hall as "the actual worst person [he had] ever met."

breezy has been more frank about what dallon had to deal with during his time with the band and over time, dallon has been more up front about this as well. turns out dallon was underpaid to the point where he had to take up a second job cleaning carpets while touring with panic, and working side jobs and donating plasma for gas money between tours. this continued well into 2010 and possibly for longer. the ratio was reportedly something like $400 a night compared to brendon's $15k paycheck, so take that as you will.

that's most of what i can remember. i tried to sauce everything i could but please let me know if i missed anything. i also tried to embed the images but doing so kept breaking the damn post cause this is a webbed site so you only get links SORRY

tldr brendon urie is self-absorbed prick who hoards credit, mistreats his musicians, shelters predators, and may very well be a predator himself. fuck him.

also, while i definitely don't want to downplay the severity of just how horrendous a lot of this shit is, in the interests of not wrapping this on a totally down note i do want to mention that people were writing brendon and panic out of the "emo trinity" legacy as early as mid-2019 because everyone hated pray for the wicked that fucking much. after having to endure the musical travesty that is high hopes innumerable times during every single 20-minute grocery store run i was ready to chalk up my dislike of him to sheer annoyance so you can imagine my surprise when i learned that not only was this annoyance justified i wasn't actually hating him nearly enough.

#panic at the disco #brendon urie #yeah whatever ill maintag this just in case people arent aware #also yes you can reblog this as a general rule i never put something on this blog im not ok w people reblogging #have fun go wild whatever but people looking to pick a fight WILL be blocked #i was watching a lot of this going down in real time but there arent a lot of useful consolidations of all this information #and i'd like to stress that this is a fraction of a fraction of whats out there #theres also a lot of discussion on tiktok reportedly?? idk i dont have a tiktok and never will #if anyone feels like adding anything feel free but do please source it #i have had to fight off TOO many intrepid discoursers with a pointy stick to deal with unsauced claims currently #askin hours #anon #SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG also i have been drinking quite a bit at this point hopefully this is all coherent lol

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lyrakanefanatic · 6 months

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Tig quotes bc I’m incredibly bored

Avery and Jameson after getting into an argument:

Jameson: Can you get me a cup of water?

Avery, slamming down a glass of ice: Wait.

Oren: I AM COMPLETELY LOST FOR WORDS!!

Avery, narrating: Despite being lost for words, Oren yelled at me for the next 20 minutes.

Grayson, bursting into a room: This is bad. This is really bad.

Jameson: What?

Grayson: I kissed [insert phone girls name here]!

Jameson:

Nash:

Avery:

Xander: Wow. I owe Nash so much money.

Grayson: You’re acting extremely overdramatic!

Xander: I’m not acting.

Jameson: I won’t let something controversial or trivial stop me.

Grayson: You mean the law?

Jameson: Yes I hate that word.

Avery: I hate people who use their horoscope as their whole personality. Like, “haha, I’m such a Scorpio!” no Skye you’re just a bitch.

Max: I hate sudoku. It makes me feel stupid.

Avery: Then don’t do it.

Max: Yeah, but if you don’t do it you’re not only stupid, but you’re also a coward.

Max: Just won at chess against Grayson! 😜

Grayson: You threw the board at my face.

Max: Theres no such thing as fighting dirty if you win.

Libby: I love you guys, you’re the best thing thats ever happened to me. 💖

Jameson: We’re the best thing thats ever happened to you?

Libby: Yes!

Nash: ..

Nash: Im starting to feel a little sorry for you.

Gigi: What happens if you press the brakes and gas at the same time?

Jameson: The car takes a screenshot.

Grayson, who is just try to teach her how to drive properly: For the last time, get the fuck out.

Jameson: The risk I took was calculated.

Grayson: Was it really? Look where we are!

Jameson: I never said I was good at math.

Okay thats all but lmk if I should do more! 🫶

#the inheritance games #jameson hawthorne #nash hawthorne #avery kylie grambs #grayson hawthorne #xander hawthorne #the brothers hawthorne #libby grambs #phone girl

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aitadjcrazytimes · 9 months

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It's been a good run

But it's time to bring this to a close!

The saga is over, C, T and I are all together. T and I are in the swing of it, C approves as much as it is possible for him to approve of anything, everyone knows about the blog and is chill.

C is back at his rightful place of walking his sister down the aisle.

I'm getting everything I want, and we're all free to make each other miserable until the day we die.

I'm not going to be updating this blog anymore! Nobody else involved with the situation will be submitting any more AITA posts either, because they are either not on tumblr or agreed it would be annoying.

I will say that there is some stuff on here that I've alluded to that isn't necessarily 100% in the spirit of things, so I've included some stuff below the cut for the folks who have caught onto that. I would not suggest reading it if you like how all of this played out and want to keep it that way. I know that's incredibly vague, but I'm not sure how to phrase it without making it weird?

Thank you all for listening and talking to me over the past few days! That's where I'm leaving it!

...

...Is everyone who wants to keep believing in the disaster polycule gone? Yes? OK!

So, this was fake. I made up the whole thing. TK and C and T and everyone else are fictional characters. Did I lie? Yes. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

Q: All of it? Even the og AITA post? The followup AITA post? The screenshots?

A: All of it.

Q: Wh... Why did you do this...?

A: Well, first this all started as a Red vs Blue fanfic for the ship Chexer (Church/Tex/Tucker)-

It started as a fanfic for Chexer. However, I was already working on a different fanfic for RVB that was totalling about 15k words at this point (+ at least 90k to go), and I knew I would never have the time or energy to write this one. I thought: yknow. this would be really funny as an aita post.

Q: It was a fanfic of a Halo fanfic series.

A: Yep!

So, I submitted Tucker's perspective. I did not expect for it to get more than maybe 100 notes at most. I totally thought someone would call it out right away.

The funny part is, if I'd dedicated all this energy to a fic instead of this blog, I'd probably have about 15-20 thousand words of fic already, but whatever, can't ruin my personal day!

Also, I wanted to see how many people would figure it out/how long it would take for it to become too obvious that this was a fandom thing. I was dropping names and RvB lore since the beginning. A few people did figure it out, and I DMed them in private to let them know.

Q: But why make the blog then?

A: Because I love to lie and be a nuisance to the general populace! <3

It was always my intent to wait until Carolina's perspective got posted (i am honestly still shocked i got away with "Carey/Georgia/West Virginia/Alabama/Miss Louisiana 1988"), let it simmer for about a day, then come clean. Which is what I'm doing now!

The reason I'm coming clean now instead of dragging it out is because I don't want anyone to feel stupid or like they got duped. You're not stupid! You were a part of this story! This was, as one anon said, a creative writing project. It was a collaboration! Thank you so much for helping me!

That said, I'm sorry to anyone that finds this disappointing! I had a blast doing this, but I will not be doing it again. I have gotten my fill. I have had my taste of being an influencer, and now I can go on with my life without ever feeling like I need to start a youtube channel.

Q: How did you keep up with a consistent timeline?

A: I didn't, especially at first. But in my time as a liar who lies about things, I have found that usually people are willing to believe you when you say "yeah, i lied about that".

Q: Wait, what about the thing with your kid?

A: Yeah, I fucked up on this one. In the other fic I was/am writing, Tucker was around 33. So, when I was saying what Junior's age was, I subtracted it from 33 and got 18. It wasn't until I was showing my partner the blog and they said "Wait, he had his kid at 13??????" that I realized I had fucked up. Oops!

Q: Was it really ALL fake?

A: For the most part. I will say that I did actually drop chocolate cake all over my tits that one time and had to shower by myself like a fucking loser. That one was true. I did also get my nails done for the first time ever, which did actually affect my typing. And I am in a band (but so is Tucker, canonically)! There are a few other things as well, but I don't want to list all of them.

Q: DID you ever read homestuck?

A: Nope. And I never will.

Even the title, though I will say that the title I came up with was "Leonard "Alpha Bitch" Church's Decidedly Not Lo-Fi Beats to Get Nasty and Get Clean To: The Movie"

Q: So there was never a combination sex/bathtime playlist?

A: Maybe! But perhaps more accurately: the combination sex/bathtime playlist was inside of you all along. You can make it. There are only three songs on there that are canon to the lore of this blog. Those are No Children by The Mountain Goats, Take It Out On Me by Thousand Foot Krutch, and one unknown song from the album Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star IV by Coheed and Cambria (Yep, the call was coming from inside the house, I gave Church my music taste). I had intended this to be Wake Up, but it's out of my hands now. The rest is yours to fill in.

Q: What's your main blog, so I can follow you?

A: Hi, this is aitadjcrazytimes. You're not getting that.

Q: Your AO3 handle?

A: Nope, not that either.

You will never find me. And that's the way I want it. You will see me in every blog. Every new follower. Every stranger you meet on the street. You will look into your discord kitten's eyes, and you will absently wonder if he was the one behind aitadjcrazytimes. And you will never know for certain.

Q: But-

A: Let me live on in your memory. The only person who knows both who I am and the fact that I did this is my partner, who is not into RvB or commonly on tumblr. I am not a RvB blog. I am not a writing blog. I am a nobody on the fringes of tumblr society who's been here long enough to know how to remain in the shadows.

And, even if you do manage to find me, against all odds:

No one will ever believe you.

I am closing my askbox. I am also closing my messages. If you have anything to say to Tucker or Me (tumblr user aitadjcrazytimes), you are welcome to do so in the replies or reblogs, but you will not be receiving an answer. I'll keep this blog up for anyone that wants to go through after the fact and do a deep dive or what have you.

Thanks to everyone who made this into the wild ride it was! Live long and get fucked or whatever! Xoxo <3

#final post #if you don't say goodbye then aitadjcrazytimes isnt really gone #they're just not here right now #<-so that was a fucking lie -tk from the future

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