#I am so mad bc i thought i was getting better and it WAS better for a while !!!!

[detransraichu]

broooo not my ex making posts abt how hard it is to come to terms with being conventionally attractive while having low self-esteem issues and how wild it is to get compliments randomly on their appearance when they go out and how they're worried that their new transmasc boytoy is only into them bc they're hot -_- i'm tired... meanwhile i'm just seen as a gremlin now that i'm not hyperfem... they truly have the biggest issues in the world lol

also they were like "omg turns out i'm not ace i just needed a bf lol" and i'm like yeah. i know. you've been lusting after male characters for years. you were horny as fuck just not for me bc i didn't transition. you only made moves on me when you were bored, lonely or drunk. i always asked if that was the case and you were like no baby it's just your insecurities i don't need you to transition uwu. for 5 years. my trust issues are thru the roof now yayyyyy /dies

#lay text #i'm being mean and petty ugh #my heart kinda hurts but talking w my counsellor abt it helped #it rly helps to have a neutral third party to vent to #also i still think my ex is a good person i don't actually hate them i love them as a friend. but i do hate what they did to me #i hate that they went along w us dating bc they're too much of a doormat. i hate that they thought abt breaking up w me for years #but never told me bc they were worried i wouldn't survive without them financially or emotionally #feels so fucking infantilizing #now i'm so much better off without them despite being broke #that was my first and only real relationship my first time my first everything. i'm so embarrassed wtf i was RIGHT i was right all along #i was right it wasn't just insecurities they straight up never wanted me they wanted future transitioned male-passing me #it was all lies!!! from the get-go!!! meanwhile i did so much romantic bullshit and i was wearing rose colored glasses!!!! #and i was a big dyke. being with a woman who identified as a woman would've made me 2000x happier anyway. we could've just stayed roommates #i'm so bitter guys. i feel so jaded but i'm trying not to be :/ #and now they have so much luck in their love life #and i'm just a lonely gremlin dyke who only attracts polyam/casual girls who only want me on the side #where tf is my love story :'( i've been trying SOOO FUCKING HARD to gain my ex's affection for 5 freaking years i was the most loveydovey g #i deserve a love story i think i've really earned it by now!!!!! #so much love to give #now they have it so easy wtf. feels unfair ngl. i'm happy for them obviously they deserve happiness too. but i am still bitter >:/ #trying to process these feels instead of repressing them for once. i have a tendency to bottle up angst bc i think i'm bad for being mad #but nope those r healthy emotions!!! i can work thru this #it just sucks #if you read all of this bs i give you a cookie 🍪 <3

[vampiiric]

slightly serious but its been on my mind so. as someone who went through autism-specific abuse from parents as well as the american school system from a young age, i don't like people using experiences of people like me to discourage self diagnosis. like.

i've seen people in the wild saying that if you self diagnose autism, you're making a mockery of people who underwent the abuse, especially in schools. but the thing is, the schools especially knew i was autistic before i did!! they treated me as autistic long before i was diagnosed, and were in fact the ones who pushed for my diagnosis. i did an entire paper on autism specific abuse for school and did a lot of research into the topic, which is how i realized what i went through was autism specific abuse and how it affects me. and yes it exponentially affects those diagnosed from a young age but it was awful before i got diagnosed and it got worse after!! so a professional diagnosis can hurt people!

if you were able to mask well enough to escape it, i am so fucking happy for you. like. this is incredibly traumatizing. and it's really underrepresented. and if you use the trauma and abuse people like me have gone through to tell people they aren't autistic and are hurting us, don't you fucking dare. you need to be blaming the people who abuse us and who make it hard for the people who are self diagnosing to get the proper diagnosis- and make life exponentially harder for those of us who are diagnosed.

by attacking people who are just seeking help and community and understanding, you aren't helping ASA survivors. you're hurting people (who might even have experienced that!! you don't know!!) who are trying to live their life with the most understanding of themselves.

anyways this blog supports self-diagnosed autistics and autistics who didn't learn until later in life and autistics who masked so well nobody realized and autistics who didn't realize that what they went through was autism specific abuse. i love you guys. we're in this together.

#autism #autism specific abuse #abuse tw #ableism tw #i have some thoughts on my school being the ones who pressured my parents to get me evaluated #and while im happy i know about my autism and how it affects me #i don't feel like i should have been diagnosed when i was. it was an awful experience and the school used it to abuse me further. #so like. graaah!!!! #i will protect self dx autistics with my life #people who use asa to discredit selfdx autistics piss me off so much #i saw. one too many. yells #also on the parents thing. theyre not perfect but theyre way better now #im not mad at them for what they did. im upset bc it hurt me a lot but like theyve done a lot of work and have stopped #the worst of it #the schools however. i am mad at the schools #ask to tag #trauma #actuallyautistic #actuallytraumatized

[coffee-bat]

i haven't been having the best time lately

#sorry vent incoming in tags. you dont have to read you really can skip this #/so the day before yesterday i had a major argument with mom. about something incredibly small but she got super mad at me (basically i #suggested she might have made a mistake while cleaning the oven bc when i turned it on i smelled and felt burning chemicals. like- #-teary eyes and sneezing i wasn't imagining it. and she got super mad and started yelling) #for the whole afternoon it was either silent treatment or yelling abt how what i said is 'unforgivable' #and ofc rejecting apologies and attempts to calm the situation down bc 'this isn't something you can just fix with an apology' #i literally just asked if she's sure everything went right with the oven cleaning. bc it was done in a rush. #so anyway at 10pm i HAD to get the situation to a manageable level bc i was starving and she was in the living room (we have an open kitchen #) so if i wanted to get sth to eat i'd have to confront her. so screaming match ensued again with me apologizing and explaining my point - #and her yelling over me. it went on for 40 minutes. finally after me apologizing like 70 times she calmed down but said that 'what i did is- #-unacceaptable and she does not give permission for it to happen again'. i went to sleep without getting anything to eat of course. #and this fucked me up. bc i really thought we were doing better. i really thought our relationship would only get better now esp after we - #-bonded on vacation. but turns out not. and shes still lowkey mad. #THEN yesterday im studying for a zoology exam and mention it on the phone with her #she goes 'who do you have zoology for'. i respond with the name of the teacher. confused. #'professor (x) died on friday.' #?????????? #'it's not published anywhere yet so yeah YOU have to tell your class' #i had a panic attack legit. i threw up from stress. i couldnt do it. first off bc of shock and secondly bc how am i supposed tojust jump #into group chat like 'oh hey btw professor died' #thankfully the info was posted officially by uni at 10pm. so i didnt have to do it. but mom kept pressing me to the whole day #i was nauseaous all of yesterday bc of it. i couldnt manage to study anymore after the shock. sure he was older but he was so energetic and #seemed healthy. i wouldnt have expected it it was just. a huge shock. im still not over it #like you cant know someone for half a year then not be shaken when they suddenly die yknow. and mom is lowkey making fun of me like #'what were you emotionally attached??? he wasnt anyone close' #no he wasnt but im still shaken. and being mocked is only making it worse. as is having to keep studying for his subject for the next few- #-days. #sorry ok vent over theres just. a lot happening for me and im struggling i needed to let it out ig. theres just too much at once #vent #death mention

[soldier-poet-king]

Expericing the Horrors this morning in SO many different ways.

Like. Having to acknowledge my compulsive people pleasing and the way it fuels my martyr complex, even tho mostly I simply Do Not See It and pretend it's a virtue or doesn't exist. My notions of Duty and Obligation, which are good and my only reason to keep going sometimes, are also morphing into a genuine obsession and fueling said inability to say no or even thinking I'm allowed to say no. Wrestling with the fact that sm of this is an attempt to remain in control of the situation, to keep people placated bc they can't get mad at me then, but also still living with my parents who made me like this in the first place, because that's the best financial decision for me rn. Guilt or anxiety or whatever about the fact that my coping mechanisms/thoughts could be worse but also could definitely be uh..better. ongoing frustration with work and my workplace. [Redacted] happening suddenly at work this morning, which while not impacting me directly, has definitely made all of these emotions Worse.

#franposting #u can ignore this i just needed to write it out so it wouldnt be in my brain #or would be like. less in my brain #unfortunately i have to go actually so my job #probably just gonna put on tmg and try not to freak out #its uh. oh. realizing i am not doing as well as i thought i had been. or im backsliding a lot #its like yes i am better and autonomous and independent #and yet i am 27 and people pleasing and afraid and still a desperate child wanting everyone to get along and stop being cranky #terrified of the unpredictability of it and the passive aggression #so ofc my job is to rake myself over hot coals for everyone elses comfort. bc if i do that they wont be mad and wont be mean to anyone else #if I just suck up all the badness in myself itll spare everyone else yknow #and besides. what else am i good for? yknow? like. im just me. i have to make up for my existence somehow #the rational part of myself is very small and realizes this is absolutely fucked #but yknow. what else is there. what other evidence is there that life can be different. for me at least #there is nothing new under the sun. everything stays the same. etcetcetc #ah well. theres little joys i can find in the meantime. stay sane. stay kind and good even if im turning myself into a non person

[crsentfairy]

no cap.. y'all are a little slow

#crsent.txt #be blocking me for the dumbest reasons 😭wym you blocked me for not being at ur every beck and call like ion got a life??? #not to mention there's this whole phenomenon of my mutuals randomly unmutualing/blocking this month. #which wouldn't bother me on a regular day but i'm not even active on here anymore bc i don't have time and i'm busy w uni. so like #how am i getting ANY of u mad??? HELLO??? i thought y'all liked it better when i stopped talking 💀💀💀

[zemnarihah]

vibrating w anger rn bc the missionaries just came and banged on my door literally 3 times. like long loud knocking with waiting time in between. FUCK OFF

#i need to get a sign bc theyre in this complex all the time... but idk if they even pay attention to that #but i was so mad bc its like. this is a tiny two bedroom apartment i know youre not knocking this much bc you thought i didnt hear it the #first time. its because you are trying to annoy me into answering. so fucking rude like i am trying to be nice by NOT answering since i #really dont have the ability to be patient about someone trying to pester me into entertaining the church anymore... like it really is #better that i didnt answer bc i wouldve been mean and it wouldnt fucking help anything but i keeeeep like going over in my head what i want #to say to them. yk if it happens again or whatever... but its so pointless honestly like its not going to make them stop. who cares. #maybe ill try and put up like a no proselytizing sign and see if that does anything.

[tarantula-hawk-wasp]

Sometimes i decide not to post vent posts bc if someone says something nice or appeasing in response to it I’m going to snap and become evil

#my problem is that all of my insecurities are so thoroughly thought out you need a presentation with empirical evidence for me to even #consider believing you AND if I feel like you think that I was asking for a platitude or compliment or whatever then I CANNOT process it as #sincere bc then you’re just being nice because you’re a good person and my friend not bc it’s correct or like real #I don’t think love has to be earned but my brain thinks praise does #like love is unconditional but like I’m constantly weighing my own merits so praise needs to be for tangible reasons #also if you try to say anything nice to me right now it’s not gonna go well I’m in a terrible mood #this is like…. tbh art is like the fastest way for me to make something that then if people like it makes me feel good like art is such a #crux of my mental health like I don’t get much academic validation and like it’s not parental issues my parents are nice to me #I think it’s really a ME thing of me being very contemplative and critiquing in a thorough way #also all of my criticisms of myself are for things I actively knew better but didn’t do or like very rational things #it’s not oh my friends secretly hate me it’s that oh maybe my peers think I talk too much about things that aren’t always on topic in semina #seminar classes and yknow that’s probably true #or that oh I had a sloppy presentation for teaching and I’m always behind on grading which is true #but the extreme thing is how much I hate myself for that BUT it’s bc of the executive dysfunction that I am constantly mad at myself

[uraniumnm333]

okay the whimsy is over id like to lay face down in the dirt and mud for a while now. Not that i know how to properly communicate these things in a constructive way to other people

#Im just. so done tbh #Like nothing happened !!! #I dont mnow why i feel like this !!! #I am so mad bc i thought i was getting better and it WAS better for a while !!!! #But now its all bad again !!! #And all i wanna do is stop thinking sb it but i CANT !! #There’s no reason for me to feel these things #Like notbing traumatizing or terrible has ever happened to me #and i know its all just for attention #And kt makes me mad bc i feel like i dont even know myself anymore #And i shouldnt be pissed bc people said nice things about me !!! #But i feel like ive just tricked them !!! #Im just selfish and terrible !!!!!! And i cant seem to stop !!! #And i dont know why im posting this to tumblr of all places #Bc why in the hell am i making this public ??? #But its whatever #be happy and whimsical forever or smth

[whomturgled]

:^(

#feelin like a big lonely loser tonight teehe ^__^ #thought maybe i had plans but then not n everyone else i asked didnt answer or had plans w other ppl too #n i had suggested a plans with stef but she never rlly confirmed or denied but i figured not plus im kinda sick now too but #also called her just to be like hi n i miss u bc idk im SICK n i hate being sick n the way she sounded was weird AaagghGGHHHHH #n im just now realizing maybe she also ended up doing plans w other ppl #just feels like nobody likes me i GUESS which is dramatic but . aagggghhghgh #to be fair a bit of a 180 from i love u so much lemme say it 50 times last night to i call her n say ilu n shes like uhh ok haha #anD I FEEL LIKE EVERYONES GIVING ME RLLY SHORT ANSWERS N LIKE #but i dont know if i have the energy to give a lot of. energy. ?? to expect it back? but its like #an endless cycle of feel bad so less energy or want to bug less so then deserve less in return anyway so feel worse #its kinda feeling like isolation time which i havent done in a hot minute but i tried so hard to get out of it but like . for what yknow #i got to talk to some ppl some more n meet some ppl but at the end of the day i still feel alone n alien teehee #but maybe im just bejng dramatic bc sick. and rsd with the Tones and ppl having Plans With Others #like its perfectly reasonable to have forgotten or just idk had better options or maybe bc i didnt say anything sooner buT . IDK. 😔🥺 #im sick n i hate being sick n i want someone to take care of me ugh #instead i just kinda sat here. played some OW. got mad at OW. ordered pizza to engage in basically food self harm LOL n watched some #of a show ive been meanjng to watch. jts neat so far. but yeah now i just feel like shit i guess #idk how to like. not be insane. or like. ask ppl for like. idk. reassurance or smthn or. share feelings. without feeling like i am.... bad #for doing so or itll end poorly or its excess or burdensome or unreasonable. bc it kkinda is unreasonable but idk not entirely ig yknow #and i really need to shower but i especially dont want to now that i ate food bc id rather die than look at myself naked but yea #YEAH. IDK. i feel. like shit. and garbage. and i can almost see this as being the turning point to me sabotaging my ownnpotential future #whatever ive been slowly building that i just. end up giving up now. #god i wanna call stef or pidge or someone n... ig not even talk abt this bc i dont wanna be a bother but. just hear ppl. u_u #feel like i am wanted in the world slepflsjhggbjwjr #It's My Blog I'll Use It As A Diary / Thought Organizing Thing If I Want To !!!!

[starlooove]

It just gets so frustrating lmao as a Batman fan if you wanna ignore racism and talks about racism and how ur behavior might just be a tad bit influenced by racial bias you can literally go everywhere else. Why are u going on the racism post and explaining how what u do specifically isnt racist. Like either ur wrong and lying or stupid or ur right and shouldn’t be here in the first place.

#and It’s like #Im so tired of ppl going ‘TOTALLY NOT ME THO?’ #on a post and getting offended when people think maybe it might be them a little bit #hit dogs holler and all that #but idk I’ve never gone on a post saying stop being racist and posted ‘I’m not racist and I’m so mad ur implying I am bc of XYZ’ #anywayyyys #if I were a tad bit more toxic I’d scroll through their Batman if they have one tag and see whether they really pay attention to poc or not #but i won’t bc I’ve changed #but also whether they do or don’t doesn’t even matter cause the issue is stretching the convo to apply to you when it didn’t and then #getting upset about how people think it applies to you personally #which nobody thought it did till you acted like this #and it even isn’t that big of a deal I’m just baffled bc convos on bafan racism are just. not that big #like i said earlier anywhere else to #have ur lil league tim Jason Al ghul black but can’t say nigga Jason tim is so pure and better than the mean brown kid hcs #like the issue is that fandom is extremely racist #u can go go everywhere else in fandom to ignore the convo bc of how racist it is #easy

[orchideius]

genuinely, when will it end??? I am so tired of being here and I am not sure how much longer I can push myself to keep going. i’m exhausted.

#it’s 4am and I am feeling the Deep Darkies #I literally passed out at 9pm from mental exhaustion & also bc I wanted to start to get up early to start a morning routine #so I actually got a ton of sleep but the second I woke up I felt like I wanted to cry and now I feel so depressed out of no where #like girl WHYYYY #genuinely I am so debilitatingly depressed I have suicidal thoughts every single day #and I feel like ive tried everything to help myself like ive been to therapy ive been on and off meds for over a decade at this point #im starting to eat better and sleep more #like what the duck else do I do? #I genuinely feel like my brain is broken #I just want to cry and lay in bed every single day #like I cannot articulate the profound sadness into words but it’s. so bad #and it takes literally all my brain power to do one assignment a day for class like none of this is sustainable #and I just feel so much shame over it bc whenever I tell my mom she gets mad like it effects her or something and the few times ive made th #mistake of trying to confide in my dad he gave me the whole pull yourself up by the bootstraps talk so never again lol #my entire family has made me feel so much shame over it and none of my friends here even bother to ask how I feel and don’t make me feel #comfortable enough to talk to bc i’m always the fucking therapist friend helping everyone else #hence why I always vent on here lol I have no one to talk to #I just really don’t know what to do at this point like I feel like I need inpatient therapy at this point but that’s expensive and I don’t #want to tell my job why i’d need extended time off bc that would be so embarrassing and plus now i’m in school #so like what do I do #im tired of feeling like this I know this isn’t how life is supposed to be but it’s also all ive ever known #and what’s the point of living if i’m going to feel like this everyday? I don’t know how much longer I can take it #personal

[wrecking]

edit: i ended up just ranting abt like the current vibe™ in the tags... sorry abt that but like also whatever i don't care anymore

#d #my food therapist really said the most real thing on planet earth when she said i'm meeting me at the same time everyone else is #i feel like a cringey overzealous emotionally dumb teenager who's a total embarrassment to everyone around me while i'm trying 2 say fuck i #cuz like this is the first time in my entire life i feel like i get to actually explore my identity and do like normal young people things #and i feel just. so so exposed in the sense that everyone is watching me make a fool of myself without a single shred of self-awareness #and it makes me so fucking mad cuz like i'm finally happy with myself!! i'm finally starting to feel like a fully formed person #instead of a 2d projection or an object or something monstrous hiding in the shadows because that's how i've spent until now imo #and like. it's hard to emotionally make peace with the fact things in my social life are changing because like. there's some part of me #that thinks that maybe if i stayed in that miserable place that maybe i wouldn't have any of the problems i have now #and like my life is a lot better. and i know that and i wouldn't change a thing. but like emotionally i guess i'm just #processing it as a fault of mine to have changed bc it's changing my relationships to others #and this isn't about any one specific thing like i've been having lots of small growing pains with a lot of ppl in my life rn i just am lik #there's a lot happening to me rn emotionally so i feel like everything i do is a fuckup and i'm just bracing for more people to go ig #which might happen or it might not and tbh either is ok at this point. i need to do this in order to live i think #idk why i'm even rambling about this i just have a lot of thoughts and i want to share them i guess. not like it does anything but like #what else is this app for at this point lmfao i barely even want to talk on here anymore because i feel like everything i say on here is #just pointless. i'm thankful i have a strong support system rn cuz genuinely i don't know what i'd do if i didn't like #i feel like everything is so much more emotionally Big to me on E and it's kind of hard trying to figure out how to manage it #like i'm basically finally getting to be me. for worse AND for better. and i just am like. insecure on some level i guess #not even over my appearance tbh i've kinda made peace with that. moreso my personality and what things i share with others #this whole post is so wholly unnecessary but i feel like i'm going to go insane if i don't get this out of my head #i've genuinely been avoiding talking about my emotions or my private life on here because i don't exactly feel safe on here anymore #which is like great. love it when my primary outlet for like. socially interacting with people casually gets compromised i love it #i literally softblocked like 30 ppl off of here so i could talk abt my weird sex stuff and my body and my deeper thoughts with ppl i trust #and then i still am too conscious about it! this always happens when i make a blog for myself to talk on #maybe i'm just not meant for talking abt things

[pepprs]

im discontent and tired but like too discontent and tired to put it into words i think. lol

#purrs #prefacing this as usual by saying that i love my job. but also… every single situation. EVERY situation. is a primal situation in one way. l #like either i am dying of hunger / thirst / sleep deprivation and feeling it so hard i can’t focus on my work or i am so stressed that i am #being chased into a hidey hole by all the pressures or i am projecting my parents onto ppl and reliving primal moments of abaondoment and ex #exclusion LMFAO. And it’s like there’s no wonder i am so fucking exhausted every day when i come home i have lived 746 lifetimes in the last #8-9 hours. but it’s just so insane and im so tired. i literally thought i was gonna have an anxiety attack earlier today and it was bc i had #health anxiety bc my heart was pounding so hard over my facilitation anxiety that i got scared my heart was legitimately going to give out a #and then i started spiralling and like. lol i don’t think that’s healthy. i just want the election to be over so fucking bad but also i cant #just throw up my hands and give up and hope for the best i am literally being paid to give everything i have to making the world better so i #im gonna do it it’s just i am so often like the youngest and least experienced person in the room and im insecure about that and also i am j #just scared like… as a person and it’s just a lot to deal with i guess. lol #guess i was able to put it into words lol. but the moments of me projecting shit are so annoying bc then i get mad and then my feelings get #hurt bc no one notices im mad but also i don’t want anyone to notice im mad bc im being stupid for literaly no reason so. idk im just #ear ripped tated right now over stupid stupid shit that genuinely does not matter and has no bearing but when it’s little things that build #up over the course of the day… idk. it’s just hard 💃🏻 #delete later #this is abt smth that happened in a meeting today brw it’s not abt anyone including irls i saw today / this week i love u 😽 #also side note i saw literally SO many of the ppl closest to me this week. like that used to be an almost every day occurrence and i think t #this week not only did i see… like not to name drop on my tumblr blog with redacted followers but not only did i see you markya and #david but i saw tirzah AND brandon AND radia. WTF!!!!! that’s so many of my favorite people all in one week!!!! :DDDDDDD #(omg pretend i put ‘you’ after all the ppl it applies to)

[fatcowboys]

had 2 stop zevran dating sim to go to bed but i did get wynne stopping me to be like heyyy u and zevran are rlly serious huh. u sure thats a good idea. listen wynne i love u and reapect u however nothing will stop me from smooching this man. galaia takes her warden responsibilities very seriously but also? have u seen him? im in too deep now

#wynne: so u and zevran huh #galaia: oh u noticed huh #wynne: yeah yall are not subtle. you flirt every chance you get and also tents to not keep sounds in well. #galaia: .......yeah thats on me #i do not Want to sleep i am deep in the hyperfocus brainrot Sauce #ive got my last treaty yo do before landsmeet (hoo boy orzammar lets do this) #but then its landsmeet which means. return to the alienage!!!!!! #bro she was so mad when the guard was like oh u cant go in there some elves killed the arls som #that was me u better fuckin move before i add ur name to the list. #i love galaia. she is generally good but Will bully a human without a second thought #i got the bully achievement for the first time bc she just *smashes thst intimidate button*