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reneeluv154 · 4 months

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My Baby pt2

Hope you enjoy!!

⚠️Tw this imagine contains: Mentions of rape and child loss (abortion).⚠️

It had been three days since I woke up in the patient room and I still sat here in bed. Jack did as he promised and moved my bed to the window which made me happy and cured some of my boredom but I was sick of this, sick of the pills and the breakfast in bed, especially sick of not knowing what was wrong with me.

Jack would always avoid the question when I asked.

“Sorry Y/n, I have a surgery I need to get to.”

“Hetty needs me.”

“You need some rest.”

“I don’t have a whole lot of time.”

These were just some of the many excuses he used.

I heard a very faint knock and the door opened, Jack peeking inside. “Brought you a snack.” He held up a bowl of fruit. “I’m not hungry for anything other than answers Jack and I expect to know the full story before you leave this room.” He was shocked nonetheless but sighed and sat at the end of the bed.

“Y/n, It’s a hard thing to explain I-“

“Well, then you best use your brain.” He stood and paced the room running his fingers through his hair. “Y/n, I really can't, it's best you don’t know.” I was frustrated, “Jack Dawkins, I deserve to know what you have done to me!” I had never raised my voice at him but I couldn’t take it anymore. He nodded, coming to sit on the bed and holding my hand in his. “Y/n, You were pregnant…and the baby was going to kill you, we had to cut open your stomach.” I was horrified, “Where is my baby?” Jack let go of my hand avoiding eye contact. Tears welled in my eyes, I grabbed his face resting my forehead on his own, our noses just barely touching. I took a breath.

“What have you done with my baby?” I whispered, my eyes sealed shut, praying it was all a bad dream. “Y/n, I’m sorry.”

“No!” I screamed and I sobbed falling into his arms, my adrenaline numbing any physical pain.

He held me close for what felt like hours gently playing with my hair and rubbing my back. My sobs were now soft whimpers and my breathing was more controlled. “Y/n?” He questioned, I didn't respond, “Were you aware you were pregnant?” I shook my head. I never knew I was pregnant. I had just assumed I was rapidly gaining weight for whatever reason.

“Do you know who the father was?” I had an idea of who it may have been. I never wanted to have any sexual relation with this man but it wasn’t exactly my choice. “I was raped,” I whispered, I myself couldn’t believe what I was saying. “I’m sorry Y/n, I knew after you woke up from the surgery you wouldn’t remember what happened for a few days, I never wanted to take your baby from you but I had to, I was forced to.” His voice was hushed and calm. I turned to face him, my head still on his lap, he was still playing with my hair. “Who forced you to?”

“Darius.”

My rapist, Darius, was my rapist, I remembered. “Y/n, I know it might seem selfish, he was going to have me hung but more importantly you would have died.” The tears in his eyes told how much guilt he had. “Why would I die?”

He choked, “He was going to poison you and the baby, Neither of you would have made it. I chose the way in which I could save the most lives.”

A tear fell from his cheek and onto my gown. I wasn’t mad at him, I couldn’t be, he hadn’t asked to be put in such a situation. “I’m so sorry, love. You would have been such a beautiful mother.” He ran a thumb over the top of my cheek wiping a few more tears. I couldn’t stand seeing him like this. I never saw Jack cry and now he was sobbing.

Before I could even think I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. The kiss was deep with meaning and passion but I pulled away. “Jack, you should have never been put in this situation, I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at Darius, not just for what he has done to me but for what he’s done to you, and my baby.” I would have hated knowing what I went through for my baby but would have loved to see them grow even if not by my motherly love.

“I love you.” Jack breathed, I nodded “I love you too.”

Me and Jack had been close from the day he arrived here. Now we lay on the bed, Jack holding me close, My head on his chest, while we looked at the stars, trying to ease ourselves. “Jack.”

“Hm.”

“Boy or girl?”

“A Girl sweetheart.”

I pointed out to the brightest star in the sky. “That’s my baby girl.”

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wild-karrde · 2 years

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TW: abortion experience

Today is a tough one.

When I was 18, I got pregnant. I had poor sex ed in high school, didn't have a good idea of how my cycle worked, had unprotected sex with my boyfriend at the time, and it happened.

I could try to make some sort of complex justification, but the fact of the matter is I didn't want to be a mom. I was in college to become an aerospace engineer. I had dreams, and becoming a mother before I was ready would de-rail those. My boyfriend at the time was someone I wasn't certain I wanted to be with forever (I said I did, but deep down, I think I knew).

I was four weeks along. I caught it on the first day of my missed period.

We made an appointment. We drove two hours to the clinic in Illinois. The protesters screamed at me as we walked in, calling me a murderer. I got counseled for an hour to make sure I wasn't being pressured. That woman that sat with me while I cried and tried to consolidate my religious upbringing with the decision I was making is a fucking angel that walks among us and I will never forget her as long as I live. I'll also never forget undergoing my first pelvic exam and how it instilled enough trauma in me to not go to an OBGYN again until I was 29. The doctor was in a hurry, and he wasn't cruel or mean, but what I associated with that experienced left me scarred.

I had a medically induced miscarriage. I took two pills at the office to start the process and was given two more to take on Saturday to fully induce the miscarriage along with some generic Vicodin for the pain management.

It was the most painful six hours of my life. The painkillers would knock me out, but the 20 minutes it took for them to kick in were agony. I bled so much I was certain I was dying. I vomited. I had to be carried to and from the bathroom. And eight hours later, it was over.

I don't and never will regret my decision. I'm sure I'll get called a murderer here, but I can promise you what came out of my body was nothing more than a clump of cells. I looked. I was so afraid I'd see something looking back at me that would haunt me forever, but it was literally a slightly larger chunk of blood and tissue than what I see during my normal period.

It wasn't a baby.

And let's be clear, no one is using abortion as a method of birth control. I can't imagine putting my body through that again, and that was the less traumatic option (at least in my mind) than the surgery. "Abortion as a form of birth control" is a myth.

Accidents happen. Mistakes are made. Birth control fails. Contraceptives fail. There are many reasons why someone might get pregnant, and none of them are good enough to force that person to carry a child to term that they do not want, physically altering their body permanently and maybe even putting their own life at risk.

Abortion is healthcare.

To all the people most impacted by today's decision, I see you, and I grieve with you. And for those like me that are reliving past trauma and simultaneously mourning for those that won't have the ability to make that decision, however difficult, I'm right there with you.

No one is alone in this. It's clear we only have each other, so find a way to support those around you. Donate to abortion funds. Make plans. The fight is far from over.

#tw: abortion #roe v. wade

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deerydear · 5 months

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Think about why someone would want to convince you to cover up your own humanity.

Empathy. Genuine feelings about death. Genuine feelings about sexuality.

Sanity is not statistical. Each person has a genesis point. They aren't dropped out of the Ether of statistics. Every person came from one man and one woman. Each person has a unique life.

Sperm donation? Yeah, a man had to donate that sperm. It didn't come from the trees. It wasn't synthesized. It was part of someone's body.

Think about that.

It seems like some people have tried to erect an industry to inundate so many people with "the correct political viewpoints" that they keep their minds busy. They keep themselves from feeling their own feelings, thinking their own thoughts.

If it doesn't agree with the Party?

Throw it out!

But the Party keeps pulling back, further and further... like a fisherman's line, bait on a hook... here fishy-fishy...

Why?

Where is the end of the line?

Why does it keep changing?

Good science is supposed to be something that anyone can reproduce the results of. So have you tried out their formulas? Have you ran the experiment yourself, or do you just "take their word for it"?

It's not necessarily about whether they're good people, or not... because someone might genuinely be wrong. They might reach the wrong conclusion, with no malice.

"Hey, has anyone else ran this experiment before? What happened?"

This is how we advance in science, by sharing our knowledge with eachother... and trying to figure why things happen. Sometimes a mystery is to be unraveled.

I keep thinking about that last post on the topic of abortion.

The people who wrote that article had to have literally dissected a woman's miscarried fetus, taken the fetus away, washed the blood off those gestational sacs, and then photographed them.

What the fuck is the agenda?

It's one point to type some words on the keyboard. It's a whole other thing to stage photographs. They had the reality of the situation right in front of them, and they cut it up into pieces and hid half of it. They knowingly lied.

God forbid: imagine if "the color of the sky" became a political debacle.

"Oh no, you can't say the sky is blue. That's disablist rhetoric. Some people are colorblind, and they can't see the wavelength of blue.

REALITY IS SUBJECTIVE!

HOW DARE YOU DESCRIBE YOUR OWN?!"

If you doubt the veracity of my claims, then may you see the truth in your dreams. May you see the blood.

May you be paid a visit from Death, just a brief wink, before you go back to your life.

Look Death in the face.

May you live.

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ilove-cedricdiggory · 3 years

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I love you, mum

Remus Lupin x Reader

Requested - Noppe

Summary - Remus Lupin was the love of your life, right? You thought so, that was, until he came home from an order mission finding you pregnant and hating it with his entire being. Can you handle that?

Trigger Warning - cursing, mentions of abortion, mentions of pregnancy, rude as hell Remus.

This one is kinda lengthy, so, fairwarning. I'ma make it a series, so, Part 1!

There he stood, right before you, his bag packed as your eyes watered. "I know 'm love, but you know how the order is. I don't get to pick when I go." He took you into his arms, his hand immediately running through your hair.

You both were 24 now, honestly surprised with the way time had flown by even with the pending war surrounding you. He, James, and Sirius were going to investigate a lead, one that involved the fourth member of their family from Hogwarts, Peter.

The night Peter was trusted with James, Lily, and Harry's lives, Voldemort had shown up, prepared to murder them in cold blood. The only thing stopping him that night was that you, Remus, and Sirius paid a surprise visit to your favorite new family, wanting Harry to experience a Halloween as normal as you all could make it.

Harry had been zooming through on his broom in his Kinmare Kestrels costume, the five of you cheering him on as if he was in the middle of a quidditch game himself. Voldemort had made himself known quite quickly, assuming the three of them were on their own, but was met with a small army, prepared to protect your family.

Now, Remus was leaving to go find Peter, along with looking into how deep his dedicated now lied with the monster attempting to rule your world.

"I'm going to be back before you know it. I'll be nice and safe, and I'll be home after this months turn, so we won't even have to worry about that when I come home." You nodded, but teared up at that.

"But, who'll patch you up and kiss all your bruises?" You asked softly, pushing back some of his hair to gaze into his eyes. "'M sure James and Sirius will be more than happy to help me out like they used to, although I don't think either will kiss the bruises - not that I'd want them to." He grimaced at the thought of one of his two best friends kissing each healing wound on his skin after a horrible night of turning.

"Just, come back safe, okay? Don't do anything stupid, don't let Sirius talk you into doing something irrational, don't let James cry too much about Lily and Harry either, please. I can't even imagine how they're doing. Just come back safe to me." You kissed him softly, pulling him closer to your body, only wrapped in a robe, holding him as close to you as you could.

"Of course sweets. You be safe too, go see Lily and Harry, go see Molly and the kids, don't stay cooped up in here missing me. I'm sure Molly would love to bake with you and I'm sure Lily would be more than happy to eat at much as she can, especially now that we all know she's pregnant again." He laughed softly, kissing your forehead.

"Okay, okay, go, before I lock you in the house and break your wand so you can't leave." He chuckled, wiping a few stray tears from your face as he kissed you one last time before moving to leave the comfort of the home the two of you built together.

Five minutes without him had you sobbing and feeling empty.

Six days without him had you throwing up.

Two weeks without him had you taking a pregnancy test.

Two weeks and three minutes without him had you sobbing as the plus sign on the test.

Three weeks without him had you hiding it from your best friend.

Four weeks without him had you looking for the baggiest of his sweaters and wishing he would finally come home.

Five weeks without him had you shaking in fear, fear of your growing stomach and fear of the second turn he would be fulfilling away from home.

Six weeks without him had you going to the appointment without him, without anyone knowing.

Six weeks and two days without him had you sobbing.

Six weeks, two days, and thirty four minutes had you screaming in joy as you wrapped your arms and legs around his warm hold, clutching onto him with dear life.

"Remus John Lupin!" You yelled, tears falling harder as you felt the worries of him being dead in a hole left your shoulders.

"Oh my sweet love, I've got you, yeah? I've finally got you." He whispered. Your arms were tight on his frame, holding him like you were afraid this was a dream, for him to fade away and leave you once more.

He had walked you to your bed, sitting on it with you set in his arms, his nose sniffing your hair, letting your scent calm him and moony. "Oh my girl, I've missed you so much." He whispered, your tears finally slowing. "I've missed you, bubs." You whispered, your eyes meeting his to press your lips upon his, holding his face close to yours.

Silence filled the room, his hands wandering your skin, making sure each inch of it was the same as he remembered. He didn't falter, until his hands slipped under his sweater, feeling the bump under his hands.

"The fuck?" He whispered, pulling away from you. "What's going on?" He asked you, his eyes sharp on your own.

"Um." You said, your head falling and you stared at your hands. "'M pregnant, Moons." You whispered, moving off of his lap to lift up the warm fabric, showing him your bump. "Twins." You said softly, looking up into his eyes.

"You're joking." He said, his voice void of emotion, it staying the same pitch with each syllable.

"Does it look like I'm joking? You're staring at the bump. I haven't told anyone, waiting for you to get home." You were waiting for a smile to break out on his face, for his eyes to light up, for him to wrap you in his arms once more and spin you and gently as he could before bending down and kissing your belly once - twice - three times.

But, it didn't happen.

Two minutes after he knew had you silent.

Three minutes after he knew had you shuffling back from foot to foot.

Four minutes after he knew had your eyes welling up with tears.

Five minutes after he knew had you breaking the silence, your voice louder than expected.

"Say something, Rem!" You yelled, flinching at the sound of your own tone.

"I - uh." He said, one of his hands moving down his face to attempt to shake the shock from it. "No." He said after another moment, standing up and moving across the room.

"No, we aren't having a kid, let alone two! No!" He paced back and forth, shaking his head. "No way. We're gonna have to figure something else out." He spoke, stopping to think, his face pointing up at the sky. "I'm sure there's something we can do to fix this." He said, finally turning to look at you.

"Fix this? There is nothing to fix, you prick!" You yelled, tears falling once more, but for a much different reason. "I'm fucking pregnant, this isn't something you fix!"

His eyes grew angry, glaring at you like never before. "You know how I feel about having kids! No!" He shouted, his tone matching yours.

"Fuck you." You whispered, shaking your head. You picked your wand up from your bedside table, flicking it once before a suitcase appeared and clothes began filling into it.

"What are you doing?" He asked, his voice monotoned once more.

"Leaving." You spoke the word, shivering at the idea of it. But, once the bag was packed, your hand wrapped around it's handle, you quickly turned on your heel, unsure of apparating out of the flat while pregnant.

"Where are you going?" His voice was slightly softer now, the actions of the moment catching up to him.

Before exiting the place you called home, more so, leaving the person you called home, you whispered. "I dunno."

Your wand was held out, summoning the Knight Bus, letting you onto it and paying the fee before looking at the man before you.

"Where to?" He asked, his left eyebrow raised at you.

You didn't think you could go to Lily and James, not wanting to face Lily's wrath towards Remus along with her hurt for not knowing about your pregnancy. You couldn't turn to Sirius, knowing he would hate his best friend in a way you could never want for the man you loved.

"The burrow, please."

The bus took you there after dropping off the two people before you, assisting you with your bag to the front door before disappearing.

Your hand shook as you knocked, but heard the pitter patter of the feet of her many children before a yell from the woman herself. "I don't know who's at the door! Charlie can you please change Ginny!"

The door flung open, revealing the woman to you. "Oh! Y/n!" She spoke, her face breaking out into a warm, wonderful smile before letting you in. "I haven't seen you for a little while, I was about to send an owl your way." She said, leading you into the home and back into the kitchen where the smell of Mince Pies filled your nose.

"'M sorry, Molly. A lots happened."

With tears in your eyes, you stood before Molly, the woman you saw as your own mother. The woman who celebrated with you when Remus asked you out. The woman who held you when you cried after your first argument with the man. The woman you had planned to tell about your pregnancy, but feeling your heart break each day you waited to tell her.

You had it all planned out. You were going to show up with Remus, once he found out and the two of you celebrated, wearing a sweater that covered your bump - much like the one you still wore. You would be holding two bags, one for each of the parents you loved so much, with a shirt for them both with the words "first time grandparent" on it.

But now, you had to tell this woman that you had kept your pregnancy from her for this long, your spouse had practically told you to get rid of the babies, and that you had left him.

"Molly, I'm pregnant." You whispered, pulling his sweater up to show the adamant bump. "And Remus wants me to get rid of them, so I left him." Your voice was breaking, shaking, and terrified of what you were to do now.

Her eyes filled with tears of her own, her arms wrapping around your frame and holding you to her. Molly Weasley: Best Hugs. She held you for a minute, letting your sobs fall from your body, holding your shaking frame. Once you calmed down as much as she thought you would, she sat you down on the kitchen chairs.

"Oh, sweet girl. I'm so sorry." Her wand flicked, bringing you a warm cup of tea before she settled in the seat beside you. "You're more than welcome to stay here. We can move Charlie in with Bill and you can take his room. You know you're more than welcome to." Her voice was soft and sincere, looking at you with the look you wished your fiance had looked at you with. Her hand reached to tuck a stray piece of hair behind your ear before moving it down to press softly against your growing stomach.

"Molly, you know I can't do that. I wouldn't want to put Charlie out of his room. Plus, I'm going to be getting bigger and eating more soon, I don't want to be in the way." You explained, watching as she shook her head. "In no way would you be in the way. Plus, I'd love to be here with you through this!" She exclaimed, taking your hand in hers.

"Honestly, Molly, I don't want him to find me." You admitted softly, your heart hurting at the truth. You hated how he had talked to you, how easily it was for him to suggest he "took care of it". It hurt you to your core. He was the man you thought would stand beside you through everything. Through the fears of financial trouble, through the happiness of your own home, through your pregnancy. But now, you were all alone. Your soul felt cold, the warmth he provided now long gone, leaving a feeling as cold as the harshest winter in it's place.

"Oh, honey, I understand." She said softly, nodding.

After another minute or two with the wonderful woman, you looked at her. "Molly, could I use some parchment and a quill? And your owl? I wanna write to Lily." You said softly, hating to intrude, but knowing that with one person told, that would soon turn into two, then 9, then everyone else you could imagine.

"Of course love! Of course! Bill, bring me some parchment and a quill please, y/n needs it!"

Bill soon came in, hanging you the items you requested before rushing back outside to play with his siblings. "You can go sit in the living room and write, okay?" She pushed back your hair, smiling at you before allowing you to walk off, going to write a letter for James and Lily, along with one for Sirius.

Your hand was shaking as you pondered what to write to your best friends. How do you explain that you're pregnant with their best friend's kids, that he doesn't want them, and that you've left him, all in the same day that they got home?

You set your fears aside and wrote to your best friends, letting everything out that you could.

Dear Lily and James

I'm so glad you're safe, James, I was so incredibly worried. I'm so happy you're back home with Lily and Harry.

You guys might be wondering why I'm not using our owl, that's actually what I was writing you about. I left Remus. Before you're freaking out and such, I'm also pregnant. He wanted me to "take care of it". His words, not mine.

It's twins. I don't know the genders yet, but I'm 6 weeks along. Absolutely huge though. That's a lie, I just feel huge. I can still wear one of his sweaters to cover the bump. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you, Lils. I wanted to wait until Rem got home and us be able to tell you both together. Don't worry, I'm writing Sirius about it too.

I don't know where I'm gonna stay, if I'm being honest with you. I'm at Molly's right now, but I'm not staying long. I'm not staying at yours either - especially not with you pregnant too Lily, and with Harry. I can't do that to you guys. Plus, like I told Molly, I don't want Remus to know where I am.

I know that might seem wrong, but he wants me to get rid of them. I can't ever do that. They are apart of me, apart of us both. I'm growing these two precious beings that are half of us and full of our love - well, my love. How am I supposed to look him in the eyes and see him hate me as I grow our kids.

I'll write you both after I'm settled somewhere, but this will be my only letter until then. I love you both so, so much. Give Harry a kiss from me.

You folded the letter up and wrote one quite similar to Sirius before tying them to Errol and sending him off to your three best friends.

You stood and waddled back to find Molly with Fred and George outside, scolding them for attempting to get Ron to fly on their broom and hit the Bludger before it hit him.

"This is what I have to look forward to, huh?" You asked, a light smile on your face.

"Oh yeah, they're twice the trouble." She laughed, smiling. Fred and George smiled at that, proud to have caused Mischief in their family. "But they give you twice the love." She spoke, watching as they ran off while their mother was distracted.

The two off you walked towards the house once more, talking. "Did you decide what you want to do?" She asked finally, looking at you.

"I'm going to the states. I have some family there that I want to go visit, one with a guest house that I can stay in. I owled to them when I sent Lily and James one." You stood before her, tears welling up.

"You better come see me all the time still, send me pictures of you growing. Send me the address so we can come see you, especially in America! Don't let me go without seeing you growing my grandbabies." You nodded, wrapping her up in your hold.

"I won't, I swear. I'll send you so many owls, you're gonna think I am living with you." She kissed your temple, holding your cheeks.

"Okay, I put your bag upstairs in Bill's room, just as a precaution. Do you want me to go get it or-" she was cut off with a frantic knock, the hits not stopping.

"I'll go get it, that sounds urgent." You both laughed softly, your swollen feet carrying you up the stairs and to Bill's room, grabbing your suitcase before heading down the stairs.

"Molly, where is she. I just want to see her." You heard Lily speak, her voice hurried.

"Sirius, let me go! She's in there, I know she is!" Remus yelled, his voice carrying up the stairs.

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit." You mumbled, looking around the stairs for some kind of hidden passage. It's a wizard and witch house, how is there not a hidden passage?" You reached for your wand, your eyes squeezing shut as you realized you set it down to write to your friends.

"Stop it! All four of you!" Molly yelled, her voice sharp. "There is a woman in my home who is pregnant and does not need this kind of stress. Now, I will ask her if and who she would like to see."

While she was speaking, you creeped down the rest of the stairs and slipped into the living room, grasping your wand.

"Worse than my own kids, I swear." You heard her mumble before walking towards the living room. "Y/n, dear? I'm sure you've heard them by now but the boys and Lily -" she cut herself off, her eyes finding you holding your wand and suitcase, your eyes welled up with tears and your lip between your teeth.

"I love you, Mum." You whispered, before clutching your belly in protection with your arm holding your suitcase, apparating from the warm home.

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imagineclaireandjamie · 7 years

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Dear Wonderful Mods over here at Imagine.... I am an Outlander Fanfic junkie....I likely need a twelve step program...I stopped reading actual books (of which I used to be an avid reader) and have read nothing but Outlander Fanfic for the last year. It's what I look forward to most very day.... I also like to reread some of the older stuff. I have been desperately trying to find an older fic (can't remember the title or author)... Jamie takes Claire to the stones. 1/2

second part pf question…. they land back in 1743 and try to make the good stuff happen ie: end up married etc., but not the bad stuff. no Wentworth, no losing Faith. Meanwhile at Leoch Claire orders a beautiful sword made for Jamie from a visiting Irish swordmaker. Jealous Jamie thinks C’s spending too much time with Irishman etc… Please! Does anyone know the title to this fic and the author??? Desperate! Please and Thank you all!!!

–

MOD Note: None of us here at Imagone can place this, so sorry Weesinginglassie. But have some CoC as a soothe for your fanfiction addiction itch. Hope this he helps

Chain of Command - Part 4

It happened very gradually, the steady increase in her size. For a while she managed to hide it effectively with just her skirts and tighter corsets. But soon it became obvious that she was going to have to procure other methods for keeping her pregnancy quiet.

Her time at Lallybroch since her brief incarceration in Inverness had been heavily guarded. Never before had Mama Crook and Brian Fraser been so intent on keeping Claire close to hand.

She'd been kept away from any activities where she was required to leave the house for more than a few moments and her duties in the kitchens had been increased tenfold.

She was under house arrest and she knew it.

Having broken the trust of her adoptive mother, Claire didn't argue about this silent punishment but it was making her state harder and harder to conceal.

Slamming the book shut, Claire threw the heavy pages onto the floor heaving out a massive sigh as desperation took over.

"I made a vow to keep you safe, and I mean to keep that promise." She sighed, wrapping the thick cotton around her middle to try and mute the growing swell of her belly.

She had read many pages of interesting advice on pregnancy and care of an unborn baby - but none helped her in the art of keeping it a secret.

Her forays into the underworld of abortion, even as short lived as it had been, had made her incredibly aware of the gift she had growing within her. Guilt also gripped her. She'd come too close to making a disastrous decision and the implications of that made Claire even more determined to do the best for her child - no matter what.

The bairn was precious. Not only was it a part of her, but an extension of her secret love for Jamie. Whatever happened come the birth, Claire would fight with everything she had to raise the baby. Even if that meant losing her position with the Frasers.

As the seasons turned, the calm quiet at Broch Tuarach broke. The arrival of the MacKenzie party brought a hive of activity to Lallybroch. Ellen's brothers, Collum and Dougal entered like a tour de force, bringing with them a few of their close relatives. It meant that Claire was snowed under with tasks - from sewing Brian's best shirts to a constant barrage of cooking and cleaning.

Most of these activities, Claire could cope with. But one unwelcome guest filled her with unknown dread.

Laoghaire MacKenzie was a petite blonde lassie with a wide smile. Given her new house bound status, Claire could only watch through the dusty windows of the big house as the young girl followed Jamie around like a little lost puppy. She watched through wide whisky eyes as Mistress Laoghaire batted her large blue ones, flashing wide toothy smiles and adorning Jamie with sly touches here and there.

Alone in the dusk of the MacKenzie's first week in the house, Claire slid beneath her well worn sheets, melancholia encasing her. She'd spent the day casting sorrowful glances at Jamie and Laoghaire as the pair had lunged horses in the pastures closest to the kitchen.

Claire had snuck out for an hour, excusing herself to pick herbs in the front garden but the sight of them laughing and joking together had twisted her gut and she'd rushed back inside as quickly as possible, averting her gaze from the action.

"Maybe she's the one," Claire sobbed, her hands shaking as they rested on her bloated abdomen, "maybe she's who he is promised to."

The babe was more active now, the butterflies morphing into something infinitely more noticeable. As if her unborn sensed her despair, the distinctive feeling of a palm pressed against the inside of her womb.

Holding back a sob, Claire mimicked the motion, trying to capture the hand of her baby. "Maybe," she whispered, defeat lacing her tone, "m-maybe she's the one he'll marry."

It didn't take long for Claire to fall into a restless sleep. She tossed and turned, her toes clenching as she dreamed of what her life might be like in only a few months time.

The subtle tang of whisky invaded her senses as she curled her hand around something firm and warm, its human-like heat almost bringing her round. It wasn't until soft lips touched hers that she jerked awake.

"Hush, Claire," Jamie soothed, his face a blur in the dark chambers, "'tis only me...I havena seen ye in so long, a ghraidh..." his voice held such intense longing that Claire felt bad for thinking he was anything less that committed to her. Flashes of his week with the MacKenzie's, though, appeared before her eyes reminding her in an instant why she had a right to be afraid.

"You know I couldn't come and find you," she whispered, her lips seeking his as she felt his breath waft over her face, "Mama Crook has been keeping me busy."

Jamie wasn't blind. He had noticed the almost exasperatingly close eye Mrs Crook had been keeping on Claire. Something had happened on their trip to Inverness, he knew that much. But his Da was being annoyingly quiet on the matter.

"That's why I had to come and see you," he mumbled, ignoring the need to ask the question. He had a feeling Claire would be equally tight lipped about it. "I've missed ye."

Wrapping her hand around the back of his neck, Claire brought him closer, being careful not to expose her stomach to him - lest he notice the newly formed bump that sat in place of her usually flat belly.

"I've missed you too," Claire replied, unable to hold back. "So much, b-but I know you have *duties* to attend to. I know I can't monopolise all of your time."

"Yes, mo nighean donn, ye can," he interrupted, keen to ensure she knew how much he had needed her close by his side. "I've had t' babysit Collum's niece the whole week. Ye have *no* idea how infuriating the lassie is!"

Smiling, Claire immediately felt mean for being glad that he hadn't entirely _liked_ Laoghaire's company. The fact that he never used her name in conversation made her smile all the wider.

"Go on..." Claire begged, tipping her head to the side as she awaited a fresh kiss, "tell me what annoyed you so."

Chuckling, Jamie ran a lone finger across Claire's heated brow as he nudged his nose against hers. "Weel, for a start she doesna hush. She talks nonstop about the most absurd things. Baubles, trinkets and shiny things that I have no interest in."

"But she helped you with the mares the other day, she seemed invested in that," Claire probed, her heart lightening significantly as Jamie's tale went on.

"Aye, she wa' there alright, but she wasna interested in that actual job of it. The whole time I couldna help but wish it had been you out there wi' me. You're helpful!"

"I recall last time," Claire laughed, energised by this turn of events, "you told me that I was a liability with the horses!"

"Ha!" Jamie scoffed, rolling his eyes in the dim blackness, "well now I know better, don't I."

"Good to know," Claire returned, snuggling against Jamie's neck as the birds began to tweet outside. Morning was coming.

Moving his hand gently down her chin, along her neck and over her collarbone, Jamie made to sneak his fingers beneath Claire's bedsheets - needing to feel her, desperately seeking her warmth.

Claire's heart stopped, a deep pounding rattling her bones as she hastily grabbed Jamie, ceasing his movements completely. "Not now, we can't --not enough time," she whispered, her mouth going instantly dry.

"Aye," Jamie replied breathlessly, "I ken."

She could tell that he was disappointed, and so was she. Even here, alone and cocooned in the dark of her bedroom she hadn't the strength to tell him. Looking him deep in the eyes, she noticed the pure innocence that radiated from him. She felt a bolt of lightning shoot through her and -- in that moment -- she almost told him. Almost.

But the cuckoo clock chimed upstairs, the ding of it reverberating through the floors of the big house causing the floorboards to shake.

"I haveta go, Claire," Jamie sighed, defeated. He'd felt something change in that moment and he had been *certain* she was about to tell him something. But the chance had gone, broken by the sounds of the house beginning to wake for the day. "But I'll see ye soon, aye?"

"Yes," Claire answered, watching sorrowfully as Jamie disappeared back upstairs. "I'll be here...we'll be here..."

It wasn't long after that the MacKenzie's made their apologies and left - back to Leoch. With Laoghaire gone, Claire relaxed, her fears that she might be bound for Jamie's affections fading. She could dutifully ignore everything else and the days began to bleed into one another.

Waking one night, alone, she felt her skin prickle with want, her thighs clenching as if Jamie had been there touching her.

"No," she sighed, determined to fight the urge, "can't..."

Sleepy as she was, she could feel desire tugging at her, its persistent voice growing only louder as she tried to force herself back to sleep.

Claire could feel him, even though she was certain that he wasn't *actually* there.

Twisting onto her other side, her face now angled towards the door, she blinked. Her eyes opened slowly, allowing her gaze the chance to adapt to the inky blackness that surrounded her. The door remained closed.

'For the best,' she thought, blearily. Knowing that she would have broken down -- and told him everything before begging him to take her -- had he appeared.

Slipping her hand between her legs, Claire calmly slid her shift aside. Temptation was too much, in the end, and she shut out the niggling doubts that whispered at her not to touch herself like this. With Jamie still close by she could ignore the depressing thoughts and focus on the more positive ones.

Brian, she’d overheard once, had often told the boys that although the bible saw it as a sin, they were better off committing acts of self gratification than getting themselves into bother with ladies and intercourse.

Taking this advice, Claire mimicked Jamie's actions - from what she remembered of them - sneaking her palm between the crease of her legs and applying pressure to where she ached the most.

A burst of lust shot through her on first contact, and she thrust her hips, her teeth biting around her pillow in an attempted to quell the wails she so desperately wanted to unleash at the feeling.

It wasn't Jamie, but she could imagine that it was. It was his voice that whispered in her ear. 'That's it, Claire. Aye. Come to me, mo nighean..'

Curling her fingers, Claire gathered the growing moisture using the lubrication to stimulate her further as she wrapped herself neatly around her protruding belly.

She swore she could feel Jamie as waves of pleasure washed over her, the current pulling her under time and time again as her spine flexed and her knees trembled. Faster she moved, sweat gathering on her brow and dripping down the side of her face as she moaned soundlessly, crying out Jamie's name as a deep throb intensified and rolled through her bones. She felt weightless, tingling beginning in her toes as her tongue peeked out from between her red stained lips.

"J-a-m-i-e..." she panted, her muscles spasming as she jerked and stilled, her body trembling with the pressure of it as she pulled in shallow breaths to remain conscious and lucid.

Claire awoke as the sun burst in through her tiny window, sleep colouring her vision as she rubbed her eyes and stretched her legs beneath the sheets. Morning. The chime of the clock brought her around fully as the telltale sign of life pounded above her.

Sunday.

The irony wasn't lost on her. A day for church. A day for confession, if she so needed. The night before appeared behind her lids and she blinked away the memory.

She had so much to atone for, and too little time.

Grabbing the large bandages, Claire began to strap herself up, all the while being careful not to hem herself in too tightly. Her corsets felt uncomfortable now, their intricate boning jabbing her in all the wrong places as she tried to ensure her tummy didn't look suspiciously large.

She could feel the baby flop inside her, the tiny bairn wriggling as if vocally displeased with her new living arrangements.

"I'm sorry," Claire whispered, looking down at her now (mostly) flat abdomen, "I'm so sorry, sweet one. Not for much longer...promise."

Following studiously behind Mama Crook, Claire filed into the pews, taking her seat behind the Fraser's as the priest began the sermon. She didn't hear a word. The hour passed like a blur in front of her eyes as she nervously jiggled her leg against the cold stone floor of the church.

She knew the priest, they all did. And although she knew he was sworn to secrecy - she was no less afraid to discuss this matter with him.

Someone would now know her secret.

Someone who *still* wasn't Jamie.

That thought tugged at her heart and she felt distinctly like a scarlet woman.

Waiting quietly, Claire counted the lead lines that lay between each beautiful portrait on the stained glass windows. Images of biblical events filled her vision - the pregnant depiction of Mary being raised to the heavens by God to be the mother of his child cementing itself in her brain as she sat rigidly in the wooden seats.

She was no chosen one. Simply a girl caught in a spot of trouble.

"Claire?" Mama Crook called, waking Claire from her daydreaming, "time for ye, lass..."

Stumbling towards the confessional, Claire gripped her rosary tight. Truly she hadn't much thought of religion. She had gone to church, confessed and prayed like everyone else but it had never been something she'd either feared or delighted in. It simply was the way of life.

Now, however, it seemed incredibly significant.

"F-forgive me, father," Claire began, her hands shaking uncontrollably as she shifted against the cushioned seat of the confessional box, "for I have sinned..."

#weesinginglassie #ask #not quite answered #Chain of Command #Jamie X Claire

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treadmilltreats · 4 years

Text

Finding your courage yet again.

There have been many changes in my life in the last six years, it seems to be incredible that so many changes could happen to a person who used to be so afraid of change.

Yes, I was afraid, I hated change. I stood in a loveless, miserable marriage for way too many years because I was afraid. Fear kept me stuck, fear ruled my life and made me unhappy.

Yet here I am stronger because of all of that. Yes, all of the pain, all of the fear gave me strength. It gave me a testimony that I have today and I am so grateful that my life has been so shooked up because it made me realize that I can do anything.

Yes, you read that right, I am thankful for all the pain, for all the knock downs, for all the times I laid on the floor and cried out for help. Yes, for all of that, I am grateful for.

Some of you that have read my book reached out to me and asked "how did you get through so many horrible things happen to you over and over again?" I tell them that even when I didn't think I could get through, yet again, somehow I did. Somehow I held on to that tiny bit of faith, that hope that one day I would have the life I truly wanted and that got me through my darkest nights.

Here's the thing, yes, I was a strong woman at one point. Yes, I survived a rape, an abortion, an attempt suicide, drug and alcohol addiction, many deaths and losses and friends that turned their backs on me.I got through all of that to then somehow give away all of my strength and power to one person and lose myself, how does that happen?

How can a smart, strong women let that happen? It can happen to anyone, no matter what your age is, what your race is, economic background or education level is, it can happen to you.

So yes, it can happen, you can end up at the bottom and sometimes you have to build yourself and your life over again and again, but that doesn't mean your life is over, not by a long shot. Yes, I lost my voice, I lost my courage, I believed all he said. He said that I was weak, that I was stupid, that I couldn't have done it without him, that I will never be able to do it. I was afraid, I didn't think I could do it, I had heard his words for so many years that I believed them, I became them. I was stuck, like many of you reading this.

How many of you are still replaying the words your parents spoke about you? Your family, even your spouse? How many of you feel their words shaped your life? "Well they said I was stupid, worthless so I am...

I can never make it...I will never become a doctor or lawyer. They are right who I am kidding, who do I think I am?"

Their voices, their put downs have influenced your life, your decisions, it made you who you are today.

But all of that, all of the voices in your head, all of your fears that tell you that you are worthless, are finished, when you decide to change your life. So here are some steps for you to change your life and pull yourself up yet again.

1- Believe in a higher power.

Doesn't matter which "one" just find the one that you can believe in.

2- Love yourself.

Sounds simple but it's not when your still hearing others voices.

3- Stop listening to the voices.

Even your own, that says I can't…I'm afraid, it will never happen.

4- Believe anything is possible.

Doesn't matter how big the dream is, just believe.

5- Envision your life as you want it.

Dream about it, see it as if it has already happened.

6- Don't let a knock down, knock you out.

The fight is never over, you can come back stronger and win!

7- Have a positive attitude.

Never say never, never say I can't.

8- Let go of some people.

Not everyone is rowing your boat, some people are drilling holes and you need to dump them.

9- Let go of hatred and anger.

You need to forgive...not for them but for you, so you can move on.

10- Dream big.

Even if you can't imagine how it will happen, you only need to see the big picture...you only need to be positive, to believe, to imagine, the rest will come.

So today my friends, change is just one thought away, one second for you to decide no matter how many knockdowns I had, I am going to win. No matter how battered or bruised I may be, I am going to overcome it, even if no one else believes in me, I will.

I will dream big and know that I will achieve all that I put my mind to no matter how many obstacles come my way...

I can and will do this!

"Be the change you want to see"

"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

**Now released my latest book**

The Blessing in Disguise.... revealed

https://www.amazon.com/Blessing-Disguise-Revealed-story-faith/dp/1074340493/ref=sr_1_19?keywords=the+blessing+in+disguise&qid=1561392004&s=books&sr=1-19

***Now available***

My 1st book The blessing in Disguise

Selling on my website:

Http://www.treadmilltreats.com

And on Amazon.com

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