#I don’t feel comfortable with my body

[8rujaa]

i feel so happy i have the urge to get on my hands and knees and worship something

#i’m emotional because i feel like recently i’ve been actually like genuinely happy #i thought i was going to feel broken forever. i thought i was going to feel like half a person forever #i’ve made so much progress #looking back i don’t know how i got through certain things i really don’t #i was being traumatized while also being severely tortured daily by my body pain #i hadn’t talked to my family or friends in months #i lost my mobility and i lost my independence and i lost everything i worked hard for #i felt like a dog and my nightmares still make sure to remind me how terrible it was #and the healing journey afterwards was somehow even worst because i was reliving it constantly. i feel like i fought so hard for my peace #i know i thought about offing myself multiple times #i don’t know what kept me alive… #i think i stayed for all the wrong reasons/people…. but either way i’m glad i stayed #i’m struggling with letting myself be happy because life has a way of taking everything from you just as you were getting comfortable #and i know bad things can and will happen wether i worry or not so the only thing i can do it try to savor and enjoy these beautiful moment #as best as i can and maybe these moments are what will keep me alive in the future #this year i don’t ‘want’ anything per say…. i just don’t want to lose anything…. like god i don’t ask for anything else…. just don’t take #anything from me that i love please 😭😭😭😭😭 #brain vomit

[aesthetic-day-dream]

Why is it so hard to change routines? I want to create a new daily routine so badly, but it’s so hard to break old habits. I know the ideal solution is to take things step by step, but I feel like it’s so hard to even get myself to make that step. I want to start a healthier routine, I’m so sick of this one I’m stuck in. It’s exhausting and I don’t want to live like this anymore. Ever since COVID and quarantine, I’ve become so out of shape and I don’t move around and do things as much as I used to. Granted, I was never in the best of shape anyway, but I was still actively moving around more and walking waaayyy more than I do now. I’ve been willing myself to get up and take daily walks and I’ve failed every time. It’s always some excuse. Oh it’s raining outside, I can’t. It’s way too hot outside, I can’t. I want to go back to sleep, it can wait. It’s one thing after the other and I’m so aware of it, but I can’t get myself to change. It’s like watching yourself continuously make bad choices and you want to stop and make better, new choices, but instead you sit and watch. I know it’s because this is what I’m comfortable with now. It’s easy. I have absolutely no discipline or motivation. I have all the inspiration and want in the world and yet I’m stumped. I think it’d be easier if I had someone to do it with, but I know I can’t just rely on other people when it comes to hard decisions and choices. It’s like when my room gets messy and I can only sit and stare and want to clean but can’t until I get overwhelmed or get a sudden spark of motivation. Every time I get that spark to workout and change routine, it works for a day, maybe two if I’m lucky but then it’s right back to where I began.

Truly if you had any tips or recommendations I’d be incredibly grateful. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

#old routines #new routines #workout #old habits die hard #maybe it’s an adhd thing #I don’t even know anymore #but I’m exhausted #and I want to feel better #I want to be more comfortable in my body

[kitkatsudon]

In honour of Ice Adolescence’s cancellation, tbt the time my family’s once in a lifetime holiday to the USA perfectly aligned with the release of YOI merch in Hot Topic, so my parents made me take a picture outside the shop because I’d forced everyone to take a trip like an hour out of the way because I was not going home without any merch.

I bought a rucksack, a T-shirt, and a blanket (and an AoT cap). I had a great day SKDHSJHDJS

#yuri on ice #kitkat’s thoughts tag #body reveal ig? I don’t really feel comfortable showing my face but it’s basically got the same expression as that emoji #also this was 2017 lol so almost seven years ago now

[willowfey]

starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal

#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept #i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them #if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens #i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it #i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut #it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair #my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking #if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back #if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off #ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal #but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends #i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens #and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too #since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out #i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now #now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that #i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly. #if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill #in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it #my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes #sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know??? #but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested #i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore #i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

ppl will go “i’d notice if society was going to sacrifice a marginalised group of people and if they said that it’s ok that a bunch of people would die then i would stand against it” and then they’ll hear people saying “well only disabled and vulnerable people will die of covid” and go “yes this is normal and ok and fine”

#first of all it’s not only disabled people who are dying and also covid can disable you real quick and make you part of that group that #people are fine with dying #but also do y’all hear yourself bed sometimes. the amount of people who claim to be allies but with throw others aside as soon as it #interferes with their comfort #also there have been so many studies and reports and articles on how covid disproportionally affects poc. not to mention inequalities in #healthcare that come into play too when you’re dealing with a pandemic #but as soon as y’all have to stop going to parties or restaurants or isolating for two weeks when exposed or confirmed positive or even if #you suspect you have it. or any of the millions of other things that at this point are important facets of community care and protecting #yourself and others from a disease that has been proven and continues to be proven to do a lot of damage to the body #y’all just balk. you don’t drop your claims but that doesn’t mean you’ve dropped your allyship #I’d love to go back to normal. i’d love to go out without a mask and eat in restaurants and do all the things i did before covid #but i won’t. because i know that isn’t safe for me or my friends/family/community and also quite literally isn’t possible now because we’re #still in a pandemic. if you claim to be an ally to disabled people then prove it and mask #I can’t speak as fully on allyship to other communities who are disproportionately impacted but not masking harms everyone and if anyone #does want to speak on allyship to their communit(y/ies) feel free to go ahead #covid tw #fired up about this because i’m doing radioactive iodine treatment in a few weeks and my mother is taking no precautions. not only am i at #risk if i catch covid but if she gets sick i either have to postpone my treatment to care for her (which risks giving my cancer more time to #metastasise if there are cells left) or i have to figure out another plan for treatment since my current plan hinges on her help since i #have to isolate #im just tired and frustrated. a pandemic doesn’t stop just because you get bored #vent tw #this is not as eloquent as i wish it was and the lack of punctuation and tone can make parts confusing but i think y’all get my point

[pixies--dust]

I wonder if i would be more interested in hormones if i wasn’t autistic…

#my autism is pretty big on the adverse to change aspect #changes can upset or unsettle me even if it’s something small #in fact I feel like the small things are more unsettling #i don’t quite like when my parents get new frames for their glasses #hrt is a bunch of changes and I don’t quite want to go into it without knowing every single detail #i wish I could pick and choose which ones I want #my biggest want is a deeper speaking voice and maybe a more masculine face but sometimes I like my body the way it is #i would be much more comfortable if everyone saw me as male all the time no matter what #like let me be feminine without being misgendered #would be so cool if I could just send brain waves to anyone who sees me that tells them I’m a guy #my rambling #trans #autistic

[palms-upturned]

Always feels weird when ppl are sort of playfully like “sorry your body is giving you a hard time” or smth to that effect. Ik it’s never meant badly and other ppl probably do appreciate that kind of sentiment but for me it always feels sort of weird bc of how much I’ve had to hammer into my head that my body and I are not separate entities and it isn’t doing these things to spite me. My body and I are going through these things together. It’s doing its best to survive. When I first got sick I was really angry with my body and felt hurt and betrayed by it and sort of slowly had to learn to look at it with the same kindness and sympathy that I want to be treated with, since it is me. And also I don’t really like the idea of other people seeing my body that way. My body is me, be kind and understanding to it.

#meg talks #body tag #like… don’t be sorry for me #just be WITH me u know #help me figure out how to stay in ur life and make our time together more comfortable #my body isn’t my enemy it’s not separable from the rest of me and does not have a mind or will of its own #it is me and i am it and it doesn’t define my worth as a person but it’s still like. me #idk it just sort of makes me feel weirdly insecure when ppl are like sorry about your crappy body #when what they really mean to say is ‘’sorry you’re suffering’’ #it’s not all my body’s fault u know!!!!! it just is what it us #when u call my body burdensome ur calling all of me burdensome bc my body is Me #if u really love me then come meet me where im at rather than lament abt how i can’t get to where u are

[peapod20001]

Me: “oh my god, why am I getting bad thoughts and feelings in the days leading up to my birthday??”

My body and mind: “haha remember how you were last year?~ :)”

Me: “ohhh. Oh. Oh no”

#vent #*sharp inhale thru teeth* #the mind and body do be subconsciously relieving things huh #anyways while I’m thinking about it. anytime I draw or write an oc in a negative state or upset or frustrated or whatever #that’s from my feelings and being as a person. but when I make smth about positivity and love and comfort. that’s more of a dream of mine #cus I. obviously. don’t get to lounge around with those I’m close to all day without fear of things being wrong #but I CAN pull from my own negativity and put it on a guy who is actively killing someone else #anyways I’m drawing Rory and he is SO squishy and. and. uhhm. this isn’t smth I could post here LMAO but I’ll crop it when I’m done with #it. whenever that is lol. there’s hands on places not appropriate for main hshsjsbdh

[saturnetal]

i get the people who are like “hey the fact that a lot of autistic-coded characters are robots/aliens/otherwise non-human is dangerous and teaches people that autistic people are Other and therefore unworthy of basic human dignity and respect” but like. when i spend the vast majority of my life feeling inhuman and lost and alone and misplaced and like I’M an alien or a robot just trying my best (and constantly failing miserably) to cosplay as a functional human being, it can be comforting to see a character that’s Just Like Me Fr who is quite literally non-human. idk maybe that’s weird but like… it’s nice to think “I’m not Wrong or Broken. I’m just Something Else.”

and like. i understand i am actually a human being. i just feel like i’m spectacularly bad at being one and wish i wasn’t.

#my d&d character is a heavily autistic-coded Warforged #and my DM keeps giving me opportunities to port him to an organic body #but i don’t want to. i like being a robot and not a person. it’s comforting #and i feel like nobody at my table gets that even though several of them are also neurospicy in some capacity #i just feel so alone and broken even among other neurodiverse people #and it’s really wearing on me lately #this post brought to you by Alien by AViVA and Machine Learning by J. Maya #actually autistic #adhd #neurodiverse #i would apologize for my first real text post being a vent but i just needed to get this off my chest #and i have literally nowhere else to put it #text post #vent

[tchaikovskaya]

This is a tag on a post about feminism having lost the path and it being either transmisogyny city or some brainless “women can do whatever they want and thats #liberation” nonsense and I just have to laugh lmao like literally approximately 0.7 seconds after news of this verdict broke people were on twitter shouting “Megan thee stallion next” and almost every woman I saw saying that shit in the quote rts was indeed a black woman. Okay this isn’t about White Feminism lmfao it’s about misogyny and the fact that our culture rewards people who side against women in these contests and go out of their way to publicly mock these women and their pain, and it’s about directionless and actionless feminism and especially feminism becoming an empty identity label that appears in your twitter bio and stops there! That’s the fucking point I’m sorry that you can’t see the forest for the trees!

#also I don’t feel comfortable saying this in the body of the text lol but uhh #one of the most horrific and traumatic instances of victim shaming I’ve seen firsthand was my friend who is a black woman who named her abus #er and was basically shunned from her entire church congregation for it when she was in high school #so uhhhh maybe check that shit at the fucking door? #and did AH’s race do anything to shield her from the ramifications of this smear campaign? #idk I just find rich irony in the fact that people are saying this is the doing of ‘white feminism’ when everyone involved #(AH depp and (ostensibly the vast majority of) his fangirls) are white…. like. huh?

[ven-of-the-valley]

Healthy coping mechanisms 😀👍

#will wood #in case i make it #against the kitchen floor #my comfort song #will wood understands me in a way no one else ever will #it hits me right in the autism #and the aroacespec #feeling unable of loving someone in the way they should be loved #feeling inhuman because of it #‘I just haven’t learned how to be human as you are yet’ #‘I’m not a real person just the shot you can’t make up’ #‘I will die trying’ #‘I’m not a good person I’m barely a person at all’ #‘you gave me your heart I only gave you my body’ #like shit man #right in the failure to feel like a normal human person #straight through the ‘I don’t know how to love’ #ven diaries

[cowlovely]

augh.

#ivy.txt #gonna vent in the tags #(discussions of weight if you don’t want to see that) #looking into getting a consultation with a psychiatrist/nurse practitioner #to see if she can perscribe me some meds to help with my debilitating anxiety/probable ocd #but i know that like every single medication and especially the ones for treating mental illnesses cause weight gain #and i already like. have been feeling extra Bad about my body the past few months or so #it’s just such an awful cyclical thing. #like. my treadmill is broken so i can’t exercise anymore because i’m only comfortable exercising in my house #i can only exercise in my house because of my anxiety and paranoia #my anxiety and paranoia is exacerbated by my body image issues #rinse and repeat rinse and repeat #i genuinely and wholeheartedly believe that my mental health wouldn’t be nearly this bad if i was a societally accebtable size #it’s really hard to be out in public spaces when you know how many people find you disgusting or even amoral #because of your physical appearance

[jrwiyuri]

I’m always so fascinated by fan culture.. is there like genuine research on why people act the way they do to normal human beings.

#stupid snake talk #like why ppl are obsessed with face reveals #and information in general but my mind went to face revelas #cause I remembered that one person who like.. analyzed faceless YouTubers handwriting I think.. or smth like that and tried to draw what #they imagined their face to be #and general people jsut being obnoxious about asking #I have never ever in my life cared about what a youtuber has looked like ever #I didn’t know a lot of herm1tcraft members were open about what they look like for that very reason #I JUST DONT CARE.. #so it’s like facinating to see it be such a big deal #like w/ r4nboo i never cared about seeing their eye #I could not personally give a fuck about what their eyes looked like at all #but I WAS happy that they were seemingly feeling more comfortable in their body #that’s cool #but even then it was like.. idk it was a distanced ‘wow proud of u’ #maybe it’s cuz I’m always overly self aware of how I act about ccs due to like leftover purity culture #but I’m always so aware of like.. I don’t KNOW this cc they aren’t my friend they aren’t my anything ever they just make content #and I never will and I also don’t have a desire to #and it’s just truly like incomprehensible to me that someone would #lol #this was a long rant just to say ‘I don’t get why that guy is so special.. that’s just a guy?’ #that’s a grown ass person I will never know and likely never speak too or even see in person #I got fictional characters to be rotating in my brain I don’t have time to think about what fuckin tu/bbos favorite color is or whatever #idc #at all

[insanityislife101]

“Comfortable in your own skin” is not just a Trans thing, it’s also an autistic thing. The difference is that We don’t care about gender, but skin itself has the tendency to feel like it’s burning, freezing, being stabbed by 1 million needles, etc. and skin just generally is painful to have and I hate it sometimes. Space like a skin is good in all but it hurts far too much so what if it protects you if it also causes you most of the pain, I hate having skin and wish I was a pile of bones walking around because at least then I wouldn’t try to claw it off, the skin I mean.

#insanityshush #just my thoughts #Do you known #autism #autism is not fun #autistic #Trans #Transgender #Skin #I just want to be comfortable in my body #And not feel like my body is trying to kill me #I’ve had several moments where I’ve almost claw through my skin and torn it off #Because it has hurt so bad #I don’t even get me started on mist #I now know what cold fire feels likk my #thanks to that stupid mist #I hate it

[nataliewaitegf]

we*ght mention tw for the tags 🫶

#have to censor this bc i don’t want weirdos :/ but anyway. #ive gained we*ght since becoming disabled + this is genuinely like #the happiest & most comfortable ive ever been in my body #i rly like how i look i rly like how i feel i rly like how im learning to let go of thinness as the ultimate goal #n idk . just rly enjoy the new body ive got now even tho it’s hard sometimes

[rosesradio]

.

#i never post about this kind of stuff but just to vent. #i’m having body image issues again #i was pretty skinny my whole life until later high school & then i just gained like 20-30 pounds because my metabolism slowed #i feel like if you all actually saw me you’d say im fine. im technically five pounds overweight for my height but my weight fluctuates #a lot of my clothes are tight on me and i keep getting bigger/baggy clothes because i feel comfortable covering up #(though that’s somewhat a gender thing as well) #i feel like people think certain things when they look at me even if they probably don’t #when i see someone cute i think they wouldn’t be interested in me not just because of my weight but also my face/hair/etc #i want to lose like ten pounds at least. that’s it. but I have a hard time with that #because i like food and don’t like working out tbh. even though i can restrict my food when needed (healthily) #i can’t even reread the hoo books because it’s all just ‘x character was a fat fucking idiot while y character was skinny & attractive’ #i’m sick of the kind of world around me and how this is how im gonna feel for the rest of my life and it’s gonna get worse #everyone in every tv show ever is so skinny or built or sometimes the token fat character but the diversity of bodies in media is not good #and i don’t think anything badly of anyone overweight. it’s just me #tw vent