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cuntess-carmilla · 2 years

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The Myth of Getting Better

When you’re chronically ill or dynamically disabled, it feels like your whole life is about trying to get better

by Brianne Benness, January 19th, 2020.

It feels like I’ve been trying to get better my whole life.

I was trying to get better in middle school when I carried a small cooler pack of homeopathic remedies with me everywhere I went. And I was trying to get better in high school when a naturopath put me on a special diet and my mom and I tried to make our own gluten-free bagels, boiled dough and all. And I was trying to get better in my twenties when I rebuilt my life from the ground up in an effort to cure my terrible eczema and the crushing fatigue that was left in its wake.

In these and many other moments, I thought of my complaints as stubborn but not chronic. With each new protocol, I thought I was one step closer to getting better.

The great thing about trying to get better is that it lets you feel like you have some control over your circumstances, like you’re taking action about your health. The terrible thing about trying to get better is that it might not work, and nobody wants to admit that.

If your body has stopped working the way that you expect it to, then getting better is a worthy goal. And if your body keeps malfunctioning, you might find that a lot of people support you in that goal. Your family wants you to get better and your friends want you to get better and your colleagues want you to get better. Sometimes it even feels like they’re all waiting for you to get better because it’s too uncomfortable or difficult to maintain a relationship with somebody so unwell.

But what if you don’t?

In 2017, I became homebound, nearly bedbound. Most mornings, my husband would help me walk from the bed to the couch for a change of scenery, and he brought me all of my meals because I couldn’t physically prepare my own food. I could barely read, let alone write, and so I’d put a procedural show on the television and close my eyes while somebody with a lot more cognitive function than I had gone about solving a mystery.

At that moment, my doctor couldn’t find anything wrong with me, and my body wasn’t capable of doing all of the research, planning, and labor required to follow Instagram’s latest wellness protocol. Without even realizing it, I’d stopped trying to improve my health.

And that was the first time I heard a whisper in my mind asking, what if I don’t get better?

This question is so, so hard to reckon with. When I tried to share that whisper with other people, they seemed to have trouble reckoning with it, too. People would say, “You don’t know what the future will bring!” or “Don’t say that!” or “Have you tried…?” Anything to avoid engaging my grief.

I learned not to talk about it with other people, but I still didn’t know how to reconcile a lifetime of trying to get better with my current life on our couch. I didn’t have a diagnosis and I didn’t have a plan and I didn’t know that not getting better was even an option. I’d never heard of anybody who got so sick they had to leave their life behind and then… just kept living like that. I’d never heard of anybody who stopped trying to get better but still survived.

And what did it say about me that I was entertaining these thoughts? Had I given up? Did I just want to keep living in my small new world where my husband waited on me hand and foot? Was I choosing to stay sick because of the secondary gains? What would we do if this really was my new normal?

Now here’s the part in the mystery where we got very very lucky: We found out that there was toxic mold in our house, and it was the explanation for my rapid decline. With help from family, we were able to move into a mold-free home. After a few months, I could read again. Sometimes I prepared my own food. I could walk long distances without support, and my brain began to work the way it used to.

My friends and family were elated that I was getting better.

I was elated too, and I couldn’t wait for my life to get back to normal. But it didn’t. Over the last two years, I’ve had great months when I could trust my brain and body to behave as expected for at least eight hours a day as long as I gave them enough rest. And I’ve spent weeks in bed reading or listening to romance novels, trying fervently to believe that my energy levels would stabilize again. I’ve learned that if I try to push my body past its limits for more than three days, I will disintegrate into a shaky heap that needs help getting back to bed. I have become hypervigilant, constantly scanning my body for early signs of collapse.

I’m better than I was in that moldy house, but I’m not better in the way that I’d always used the term. I’m not well.

And so now that whisper—what if I don’t get better?—is much louder. And I know from my podcast interviews and from Twitter that I’m not the only one trying to reckon with this question. And I also know that there are better questions to ask.

Instead of a lunch box of remedies or homemade gluten-free bagels or a full life makeover, I’ve started wondering what little things I can do to make my functional periods even longer. And instead of thinking that my life is over whenever I’m stuck in bed, I’ve started to wonder if maybe I can find a way to accept that time as part of my life right now.

But I wish I’d known much sooner that getting better wasn’t guaranteed or even required. I wish I’d known it when I was a kid who needed much more rest than the other kids in my cabin at summer camp. I wish I’d known it when I was wracked with guilt after backing out of New Year’s Eve plans with the man who would become my husband. And I wish I’d known it when I moved my whole life from Toronto to San Francisco because I thought the whole Bay Area would be more conducive to healing.

I wish I’d known that if you live with fatigue or pain, you might never get better and that’s not your fault. The people around you want you to get better because they want you to be happy, but sometimes it doesn’t work that way. Sometimes you put all of your resources into trying to get better, and you find yourself feeling ashamed and guilty and hopeless and inadequate instead of feeling better. Sometimes trying to get better makes you feel much much worse.

But I also wish I’d known that you don’t have to get better to be happy. You can find joy in your favorite characters and you can really truly connect with people online who understand and you can let yourself off the hook just a little because you didn’t choose to get sick but you’re building the best life you can anyway.

#disability #chronic illness #chronically ill

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primrose-path-of-dalliance · 3 years

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on bren and feeblemind.

(cw: lots of caleb backstory. self-explanatory, i think?)

this isn’t something i’ve talked about on my blog yet, but since the campaign has begun drawing to a close, i want to make sure i say my piece on the popular theory that bren/caleb was institutionalized because trent ikithon feebleminded him to disable him.

my piece being that it’s exceptionally unlikely he did—at least as a premeditated plan. this kind of theory also falls prey to the exact beliefs ikithon has tried to exploit in caleb.

for our mutual reference, i’ll quote the spell description of feeblemind.

FEEBLEMIND (PHB) 8th level enchantment

Casting time: 1 action Range: 150 feet Components: VSM (a handful of clay, crystal, glass, or mineral spheres) Duration: Instantaneous

You blast the mind of a creature that you can see within range, attempting to shatter its intellect and personality. The target takes 4d6 psychic damage and must make an Intelligence saving throw.

On a failed save, the creature’s Intelligence and Charisma scores become 1. The creature can’t cast spells, activate magic items, understand language, or communicate in any intelligible way. The creature can, however, identify its friends, follow them, and even protect them.

At the end of every 30 days, the creature can repeat its saving throw against this spell. If it succeeds on its saving throw, the spell ends. The spell can also be ended by Greater Restoration, Heal, or Wish.

considering the characteristics described and implied by actors other than ikithon—caleb and astrid prominently—who are not motivated to deceive on ikithon’s behalf, feeblemind is not consistent with caleb’s mental break.

fact the first: when bren broke, he became violent and spellcasted.

when astrid describes the circumstances in which he was taken to the vergessen sanatorium (e89, 1:49:30), she refers to his lashing out as “creat[ing] a lot of sparks everywhere else” and rubs at burn scars across her neck. she says that they had to subdue him because he was too dangerous. all of these statements add up to a bren who was viciously spellcasting at his friends and mentor when he broke down.

this wouldn’t have been possible if he’d been feebleminded. feeblemind explicitly prevents the affected creature from casting spells or activating magic items. in that scenario, the only thing bren would’ve been capable of is throwing hands. from him? not very dangerous at all.

how do we know astrid wasn’t lying or intentionally deceptive? because she (and eadwulf) still cares so much for caleb that she risked her life multiple times to aid him. no one who would give caleb a map to a secret volstrucker vault with her own handwriting on it (e127, 29:29; and 30:57)—or intentionally fail to counterspell him when ikithon could’ve seen her do so—would lie to caleb about ikithon attempting to permanently feeblemind him if she knew.

to preempt the idea that astrid had set the m9 up: it’s very obvious she didn’t, since trent ikithon had clearly had no forewarning of a break-in. he would’ve at least been waiting in the vault, already prepared to subdue them quickly, if he’d known.

so it’s fair to determine that astrid would either be honest to the extent of her knowledge to caleb or make it clear that she couldn’t answer him. since she didn’t imply the latter, we can assume she was being honest. and because of astrid’s competence, it’s highly probable she would’ve noticed if his behavior was symptomatic of feeblemind over the years.

fact the second: bren’s mental condition repeatedly improved and regressed while he was institutionalized.

astrid states this in the same conversation about their subduing him after his breakdown (e89, 1:50:50). considering this with the context of their romantic relationship prior to his breakdown, her genuine care for him, and her rise to power that included accompanying ikithon frequently to the sanatorium (e127, 31:07)—astrid would’ve had the motivation and the opportunities to visit bren in person. she could’ve also kept well-abreast of his condition.

actual times of improvement and decline in the mental state that astrid first observed during his breakdown wouldn’t be consistent with feeblemind. although it reduces the victim’s intelligence score to 1, they still retain thought and their sense of identity without problems.

this is a maintenance of consistency and (relative) reason. feeblemind does not actually damage a person’s basic perception of reality. but the health of bren’s behavior throughout the years was instead very unstable.

fact the third: caleb doesn’t remember anything from the burning of his home up to his healing by the unknown cleric.

in the conversation with astrid in e89, he asks her what happened when he broke and explicitly says, “the last thing i remember is my home” (1:46:58). when he first tells beau and nott about his past, he explains that he doesn’t remember much of what happened to him there (e18, 2:51:54).

beyond the reduction to their intelligence, feeblemind doesn’t affect the victim’s ability to form memories. caleb’s keen mind feat and established narrative element of his eidetic memory would’ve still been present as well. therefore, feeblemind alone can’t explain such a significant, near-empty gap in his memory. he would still remember something.

even the possibility of trent ikithon altering them directly is precluded by the fact that the cleric’s healing removed the alterations to caleb’s memory. if all those years had been magically blocked away, they’d have returned when he was healed of everything else.

fact the fourth: sometimes, people really do just break.

nothing about caleb’s backstory is inconsistent with just... being a person living their life, even a terrible one. he was a young man that believed so zealously in his country and his purpose, abused by a powerful older man, that he did many horrible things and believed they were right. until finally he did something that he couldn’t process and broke down.

there’s two reoccurring, underlying assumptions i’ve noticed behind why this theory seems to be so compelling and popular:

caleb just seems so remorseful and traumatized by his double patricide. there’s no way he would’ve willingly murdered his parents. ikithon must have known and decided to preempt his inevitable betrayal.

everything we know about bren, especially from the horse’s own mouth, suggests that he had been willing (at least up until his mental break) to murder his parents. he was literally an extreme nationalist—a fascist, if you will. he was lawful evil (twitter source). he gratefully executed many “criminals” put in front of him, more than likely by burning them to death based on his ptsd. victims whom we now understand may not have been guilty of anything at all.

he was glad to do what he thought was best for the dwendalian empire, and he truly thought being volstrucker was the correct path. trent ikithon, his abuser, treated him as his favorite (e110, 3:30:58). because he believed.

that fervent faith, in fact, is the key to something like his breakdown in the first place. hearing the dying screams of his parents, bren was forced to confront a violent dissonance between his radical beliefs that condemned traitors (as he believed until the cleric’s healing) and the intuitive horror of murdering his parents that he couldn’t reconcile. this fathomless sense of betrayal is why caleb so deeply despised ikithon and himself.

a young evocation wizard who didn’t want his parents dead would’ve run into that burning house, feebleminded or not. someone magically compelled to set that fire would’ve understood what happened as soon as the charm left him and would definitely remember every detail once the cleric healed him.

caleb is remorseful and traumatized because he willingly murdered his parents. as well as many others.

it can’t be that simple. caleb was institutionalized for eleven years just because his abuser pushed him too far? there must be a more nefarious reason. ikithon even said he basically stored him for later.

putting aside the fact that bren having a breakdown in the way he did makes complete sense for his situation, ikithon’s “claim” that he orchestrated all of caleb’s subsequent years is not only something he never actually says (e110, 3:16:34)—it is a claim that’s patently absurd.

i’ve written meta that discusses this in the past (link here). essentially though, the number of moving pieces and assumptions that would be needed for such a series of events is ridiculously improbable. even assuming that ikithon feebleminded him—so that caleb’s mind would be intact when he ‘woke up’—even assuming that ikithon somehow procured the service of a cleric of the archeart—a banned deity in the empire that would oppose ikithon...

why in the world would he ever reasonably believe that caleb widogast, the man he viciously betrayed and lied to and abused, would do anything to benefit ikithon?

trent ikithon is a mortal man. he has power, yes; enchantment magic, authority, and a history of abuse and manipulation over caleb’s head, yes. but ikithon is a mortal man. not a puppeteer in the sky piloting people’s bodies.

he certainly wouldn’t have led caleb to a whole new family that would change everything about his life for the better. a family that would love him, truly—a family that would help him heal, bear the weight of his guilt, and find a real future waiting for him again instead of a self-destructive end. a family that would fight tooth and nail for caleb’s sake against ikithon.

abusers lie. their biggest lie, the one they always circle back to in the end, is that their victim is unique: that there is something which makes them deserving of abuse, and that their abuser is both right and inescapable.

ikithon is read as honest because he chooses his words carefully and has the self-confidence to believe it. everything he’s claimed about caleb and his past have either been implications that he encouraged others to reach for him or platitudes empty of everything except gaslighting intent.

caleb has escaped. and everything ikithon wants is to convince caleb and his friends that he continues to control caleb’s life, that caleb is special, so he can regain some influence over a man who’s come to command so much power.

the idea that caleb must’ve been feebleminded—that he couldn’t have just had a mental breakdown like so many other prospective volstrucker before miraculously, then strenuously, recovering to create a hopeful future for himself—falls into the trap of validating ikithon’s lies.

trent ikithon didn’t see and believe in caleb’s ‘full potential’ before anyone else did. he didn’t foresee a single ounce of the man’s struggle to put himself back together after what he suffered. caleb was not institutionalized to serve as a toy to one day pull back out of the closet. there was no feeblemind or other secretive plan that could only serve to obfuscate the brutal truth:

ikithon abused a boy until he shattered, and tried to hide the evidence. a crime that he’s committed against countless other children. plain and simple.

so that’s my piece.

caleb widogast—bren ermendrud—was not the victim of a premeditated feeblemind from ikithon, based on the mechanics of the spell. even more importantly, the narrative of his and ikithon’s stories would suffer if he was.

now,

A LOGICAL POSSIBILITY I WON’T DENY.

what if ikithon feebleminded him as a method to subdue him after the breakdown?

this is more or less an alternate theory that’s irrelevant to the points i actually wanted to make. but i want to talk about it anyway because it’s kind of fun.

fact the bonus: bren spent eleven years in the sanatorium.

eleven years is a long time. he would’ve been able to save every 30 days after the initial failed save. the exandrian calendar has about eleven 30-day periods every year. assuming a feeblemind spell cast on him just prior to his institutionalization, that’s somewhere around 121 possible save attempts, give or take a few.

what’s the likelihood of him actually saving? to go through the mechanics:

normally, feeblemind reduces a person’s intelligence score to 1, modifier -5. caleb, as a variant human, possessed the feat keen mind from the beginning both mechanically and story-wise. this would make his intelligence score 2, modifier -4, even after feeblemind.

as a level 1-2 wizard, he would’ve had proficiency in intelligence saves. this would be +2 to his save.

in total, the modifier to bren’s intelligence saves would be -2.

in order to cast feeblemind, trent ikithon would have to have been a minimum level 15 wizard. this leaves two possible proficiency bonuses to determine his spell save dc: +5 or +6.

it’s probably safe to assume that his intelligence score is at least 18–20, likely 20. this would be a modifier of +4 or +5. (his intelligence could be 22+ if matt wanted to be a real dick, but let’s assume otherwise.)

spell save dc = 8 + spellcasting score mod (for wizards, this is intelligence) + proficiency bonus.

this means trent ikithon’s possible spell save dc is somewhere from 17–19.

therefore:

at minimum—17 being ikithon as a level 15–16 wizard with an intelligence score of 18–19 at the time of casting—bren would have to roll a 19 or nat 20 to make the save with his -2 save modifier.

at a dc of 18—ikithon either being level 17–20 or having an intelligence score of 20, but not both—bren would have to roll a nat 20.

at a dc of 19(+), it would be impossible for bren to save without additional bonuses such as bless.

i don’t have the brainpower to calculate some real statistical probabilities, but depending on your opinion of trent ikithon’s probable capabilities at the time of bren’s mental break, he may have been able to save against feeblemind sometime during the eleven years he spent at the sanatorium.

naturally, this has the earlier-mentioned conundrum of remembering that return of clarity once he was healed by the cleric, should ikithon have been retrieved to recast the feeblemind and altered his memories. nevertheless, it may or may not be a fun thought to play around with.

#caleb widogast #trent ikithon #blumendrei #cr #cr meta #critical role #critical role meta #critrole #bren aldric ermendrud #bren ermendrud #abuse cw #mental institution cw #prim post #prim says some things #long post

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bluenet13 · 3 years

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Brothers

Second prompt for @badthingshappenbingo

Fandom: 9-1-1.

Characters: Evan Buckley, Eddie Diaz, Christopher Diaz.

Prompt: Big Brother Instinct.

Summary: Continuation to "Buck Begins." Revelations about his past and the actions of friends from the present teach Buck the real meaning of family and brotherly love. Or, after Buck has a bad day, Eddie and Christopher save the day.

Links: ff.net - AO3

Maddie and Chimney had insisted he stayed at their house for the night, but Buck had politely declined. He wanted to be alone, whether to wallow in his own misery or to try to gain some new perspective about the revelations about his life, he didn't know. He wasn’t even sure the two were mutually exclusive. But he just couldn’t see himself spending the night with anyone but himself. Coming face to face with Maddie was one thing, but spending the night at her house as if nothing had changed was above his current level of forgiveness.

So he had hugged his sister, asked if he could take the bag of mementos home, and walked out of the apartment as soon as she nodded. Not even waiting to wish Chimney a good night.

Now sitting alone in his car, in the parking lot of his apartment complex, his fingers trembled as he fumbled with the zipper of the bag. Drawing in a long breath, then blowing it out slowly, Buck decided this could wait until tomorrow. He told himself the parking lot around him was dark, the only light coming from a nearby street lamp, so he wouldn't be able to see anything anyway. But in reality, he just wanted to spend the night alone with a cold beer to stop his thoughts from wandering. So, with a grunt he got out of his car and gingerly walked to his building.

His simple plan however, came crashing down as soon as he reached the front steps. Sighing, Buck closed his eyes and wished he hadn’t gotten out of the car.

"Uncle Buck!" Christopher practically bounced off the steps as soon as he saw him, his little body crashing with Buck's legs a second later. "I missed you."

Barely able to suppress a whimper, Buck stumbled before he was able to gain his footing and kneel down in front of the boy. "Hi Chris,” he said, half-forcing a smile on his face, while he also did his best to ignore the adult now standing next to his son. This unexpected visit wasn't Christopher's fault. "I missed you too, buddy. Sorry work's been keeping me busy." He didn’t like to lie to Chris, but he couldn’t as well say what had really been keeping him busy.

"It’s okay, Buck. Daddy told me your parents came to visit. And my dad is always busy too when my abuela comes from Texas," Chris said simply.

Drawing back away from Christopher, Buck turned to look at Eddie. A shadow crossed Buck's eyes and Eddie just slightly shook his head as a response. He hadn’t shared anything else with Chris.

"What brings you guys here?" Buck wondered after the silence around them had become oppressive. "Isn't it a little late for a visit on a school night?" He hoped he wasn't sounding rude, for Chris' sake that is, with Eddie he would need to have a few choice words next time they were alone.

"There's an errand I need to run before work tomorrow, so I was hoping Chris could spend the night here before you drop him at school in the morning?" Eddie asked quickly, his eyes looking at anything but Buck.

Silence seemed to stretch around the three men. Christopher waited expectantly, his hand still on Buck's leg, even as the man rose to his feet and stared at Eddie with raised eyebrows.

For his part, Eddie did his best to look as innocent as possible, offering no additional words until the silence stretched for too long and he saw his son's smile turn into an uncertain frown. "If you're still busy with your guests, I can just call Hen or Chimney. Chris always says you're his favorite and must fun uncle, but I'm sure he understands. Right, Chris?" Eddie added eventually, the ex-Army Medic not missing a beat.

"Sure, Chris. You can stay with me," Buck said at the same time as Christopher nodded his agreement with his father. The boy's frown had turned into a sad smile, and just as quickly into a full on grin.

"Thanks, uncle Buck." Chris practically shouted, his bright, grey eyes shining even more than usual. "Daddy, can I have the keys to get my backpack?"

Buck hadn’t missed how Eddie was trying to avoid his gaze and he had to stop himself from asking what type of errand was so sudden. Eddie usually gave him a few days warning when he needed him to babysit Chris, unless it was some sort of emergency. Buck wouldn’t argue that most often than not he was a dumbass, but not as much as to not be able to read his best friend’s intentions. But Chris had already lost his mother and Buck didn't want him to think he wasn't wanted here, so he didn't say anything else and just bid his time. Turned out luck was on his side and he would be able to rip Eddie a new one right here and now.

But Edmundo Diaz was always a step ahead, so he put an innocent smile on his face and turned towards his car. "I can do it for you, Chris. You can stay here with uncle Buck. I will be right back."

Buck glared at his teammate, but Eddie still wasn't looking directly at him. So instead he grabbed Chris' hand and led him to the front steps. Sitting down as he asked Chris how school was going.

Eddie came back in the middle of Christopher's very excited and detailed explanation of the upcoming science fair. And how he was working on a presentation about climate change and natural disasters. Not like most kids who wanted something easy and chose a volcano, instead talking all about how his daddy had fought tsunamis, and mudslides, and even traveled back home to Texas to fight a real wildfire. If Buck hadn’t been there, he would have thought Eddie had grown wings and the magical ability to bend the elements, cause Chris' voice was full of awe and admiration, as if he was talking about Iron Man himself. But Buck guessed Christopher was right and they were all superheroes in their own way.

"Here you go, Chris. I will leave you to Buck so you can continue telling him all about your project." Eddie kneeled down, hugging his son after helping him with the straps of his backpack. "I will see you after shift tomorrow."

"Bendicion, daddy," Chris said in practiced ease.

"Dios te bendiga." Eddie kissed his son's disheveled locks and turned back towards his car.

Buck had been around the Diaz men enough to understand they were sharing both a blessing and a farewell. A wishful smile escaped his lips as he silently wondered what it would have been to share that type of relationship with his parents. And if maybe Daniel had, before everything had gone to hell.

Fingers wrapping around his own drew Buck back to the present and he looked down to find an expectant Chris staring back at him. His eyes settled on the boy for a minute, and not for the first time he marveled at Christopher's strength and cheerfulness, considering all he had been through in his short life. And again, not for the first time, he wished he could be more like him.

Looking back to the parking lot around him, Buck sighed as he saw that Eddie's car was gone. So he turned back to Chris and smiled. "Ready, buddy? Maybe we can play some rounds before we go to bed. How does that sound?"

Christopher nodded repeatedly, his hand tugging at Buck's as he pulled them both towards the door.

-x-x-x-

"Buck, can I have a cookie?" Christopher's voice came from beside him and Buck jumped slightly as if suddenly being woken up from a dream. Another grunt escaping his lips as the movement jarred his tender side. The doctors had given him a clean bill of health, but the fire had still caused a minor burn and his side was bruised from his hard landing during the explosion.

Turning his eyes to the tv, Buck grimaced seeing the score. He wished he could blame it on being distracted but Chris was just that good. Turning to the boy in question, Christopher's hopeful look reminded Buck of his question. Shaking his head to clear more unwanted thoughts, Buck set his controller down and raised from the couch. "Of course, Chris. But only one," Buck said easily, a faint smile gracing his lips as he remembered the one time he had ignored Eddie's warnings, giving Chris half a box of cookies, then regretting his decision with a passion as the boy had been on a sugar rush until three in the morning.

Walking into the kitchen, Buck went to the cupboard he had prepared for Chris once it had become a common occurrence for the boy to spend the night at his house. Peanut butter, grape jelly, Cheez-It crackers, and other snacks occupying every available inch of the small space. And at the back, the box of cookies he had come searching for.

Last Christmas, Chris had spent a Saturday at his house while Eddie secretly went shopping for presents. After dinner, Buck had offered Chris a white fudge covered Oreo and the boy had loved it. The previous morning, Buck had rushed to three grocery stores trying to find more boxes of the Holiday Edition cookies. Now he made a point to only eat them with Chris and it had become their special treat.

Tonight as he opened the box to grab two cookies and then walked back to his living room, Buck absentmindedly wondered if Daniel had been an Oreo guy, or if maybe he had preferred Chips Ahoy!, or something else entirely.

"Here you go," Buck said, moving closer to Chris and setting the cookie and a glass of milk in front of him. He then sat back down on his side of the couch and sadly stared at his own Oreo.

"Thank you, uncle Buck," Chris said cheerfully, instantly reaching for the fudge covered delicacy. "One more round?" He asked innocently.

"Yeah…" Buck knew he should have said no, but selfishly, he welcomed the distraction and dreaded the moment he would again be alone with his thoughts. He hated to admit Eddie’s instincts had been spot-on and Christopher had been the right kind of distraction he needed that night. A 6 pack would have been less of a compromise but also a lot more destructive.

One round then turned into three, Chris' eyes beginning to close by the end of it, before a barely suppressed sniff woke him up. Pausing the game, he turned to his right with inquisitive eyes. "Are you okay, Evan? Why are you crying?" He asked, his voice barely above a whisper. His small hand moving to rest on Buck's knee.

Buck had been playing video games for years so the motion had become automatic even as his mind was a million miles away. Upon hearing Chris’ question, he shook his head, and for the first time noticed the blur of tears on his eyes. His fingers had continued to press the bottoms on the controller, following the game, but his mind had drifted back to Daniel as Buck wondered what it could have been like growing up with an older brother. One that introduced him to new games and fought the hard boss battles for him. Maddie had been great, but circumstances had turned her into more of a mother figure than a sister, and at that moment, Buck considered that he hadn’t just missed out on growing up with a big brother, but a real sister as well.

"Evan?" Christopher asked again, his eyes looking worried as the boy wondered if he should call his father.

Closing his eyes, and taking in a deep breath, Buck released it slowly as his eyes opened again. "Sorry, Chris. I'm alright. Didn't mean to worry you." Using the sleeve of his LAFD hoodie, Buck wiped the tears from his face and willed them to stop coming. "I just got some bad news recently."

Christopher nodded and moved to hug Buck, a steady hand drawing comforting circles on the firefighter's back, his head resting on his shoulder.

The pair stayed like that for a few minutes, until Buck pulled back, and just stared at Christopher. With a smile, Buck fixed Chris' glasses which had become crooked after the impromptu hug, then moved his hand to the boy's disheveled curls. "Thank you, Chris."

"You're welcome, Evan. When I got bad news about my mommy, all I wanted was a hug…” Chris began to explain awkwardly, his feet shuffling on the spot. “Just thought it could help you too." He finished matter-of-factly, even though no explanation was ever really necessary for such a declaration of affection.

Buck smiled and ruffled Chris' hair. "You're a very smart boy, do you know that?"

"My daddy says I'm too smart for my own good," Chris said simply, then scrunched his face. "I’m not sure I understand what that means, but daddy says it a lot."

Buck couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped him. "You will know soon enough, buddy. Don't worry about it. Now time to go to bed."

"Okay, Evan." Chris agreed easily, turning the game off as he stood to follow Buck. Then something came to him and he lifted his hand to stop Buck’s progress. “Wait here,” he said before he moved to the kitchen, coming back a few minutes later with an ice pack in his hand. Without saying anything else he carefully pressed it to Buck’s injured side and used his other hand to move Buck’s to hold it in place.

Buck sighed as soon as the cold began to alleviate the throbbing on his side, then raised his eyebrows in a silent question.

Chris shrugged. “Daddy never wants to use it, but I have learned to notice when he needs one.” He explained shily, looking up at Buck from under his glasses.

Buck smiled sheepishly, wondering who needed the other more, Christopher or Eddie. But who was he kidding, he needed the both of them even more. “Thanks bud. Now let's go.”

Fifteen minutes later, teeth brushed and pajamas on, Christopher was lying comfortably in Buck's guest room. "Good night, Evan. Thank you for letting me stay tonight."

"Thank you, Chris," Buck said emotionally, before a sudden thought occurred to him. "You never really call me Evan. Why now?"

"When my daddy and I have a serious conversation, he always calls me Christopher, and often when I overhear him talking to abuela, she calls him Edmundo. So Evan made sense for our serious talk. I..." Chris explained simply, the rest of his sentence ending in a yawn as his eyes finally closed and his breathing evened out.

Too smart for his own good, indeed. Buck thought to himself as he turned off the lights and walked out of the room with a sincere smile on his face. Chris’ ice pack still tightly pressed to his side.

Maybe life had taken a brother away, but fate had gifted him a teammate that had turned into an older brother and it had only taken a night with his nephew to remember. Eddie would never replace what Daniel could have been but Buck was still infinitely grateful to have him in his life.

-x-x-x-

The next morning Buck woke up feeling lighter than the days before.

After taking a quick shower, he went to his guest bedroom and woke Chris up, then made his way to the kitchen. By the time the boy sat down at the kitchen table, showered, dressed and ready for school, Buck already had two plates of eggs and toast ready for them. The two then ate in comfortable silence until Chris reached down to his pocket and slid his hand towards Buck. Setting two pills on the table and a tube of antibiotic cream. A determined and proud smile on his face.

Buck returned the smile and downed the two pills, but waited until he was alone to apply the cream. Chris didn’t need to see his wound, as minor as the burn had been, and worry about the same thing, or worse, happening to his dad.

When Chris went back to his room to pick up his school supplies, Buck did quick work of rubbing the cream and redressing the wound, then took it to his bathroom cabinet, where Chris had most likely taken it from. Or at least that’s what he thought. If he was being honest with himself, it had been quite a while since he last used it. Not that there hadn’t been injuries in between…

During the drive to school Chris resumed his conversation about the science fair, and Buck offered to help him finish his presentation this weekend. Chris gladly agreed and offered Buck to be a part of the stories he would share. After all, every superhero needed a sidekick.

Buck had to bite his lip not to argue that last statement, feeling lucky just to be included.

“Goodbye, uncle Buck.” Chris then said when Buck parked in front of his school. “I will see you this weekend.”

“Bye, buddy. Have a good day.” Buck replied with a smile, and, only when Chris had closed the door and was walking to the school’s front doors, he added to himself, And thank you. As it turned out, it wasn’t only Eddie who had good instincts.

-x-x-x-

Parking in his usual spot and walking towards LAFD Station 118, Buck could see Eddie standing at the front of the apparatus bay. His feet shuffling nervously, much like Christopher did when he was nervous.

“Morning,” Buck said as he came to stand next to his best friend.

“About last night, I can explain.” The words began rushing out of Eddie as soon as he parted his lips. “I didn’t mean to ambush you. Or well, I did. But...”

Lifting his hand in a placating gesture, Buck shook his head, then moved his arm over Eddie’s shoulder, engulfing him in an awkward side hug. “No need to explain. Thank you.”

“So it went well?” Eddie asked, feigning surprise.

“Better than well,” Buck admitted. “You’re one lucky dad, Christopher is a great kid.”

“We’re both lucky. And not only because we have each other,” Eddie said in a rare display of affection, his arm going over the shoulder of the best friend that had become his little brother.

Side-by-side Buck and Eddie then walked home.

Evan Buckley had been born a savior sibling, and even if life had made it that he couldn't save Daniel, that didn't mean he hadn’t saved many others along the way. And however broken his past was, it had led him here.

It also meant that now he had a big brother looking down on him from heaven, and one standing right by his side.

#911 #911 fanfiction #buck begins #bad things happen bingo #evan buckley #eddie diaz #christopher diaz #9-1-1

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whatareyousearchingfordean · 4 years

Text

Happiness Begins

Part 23

Chapter Summary: It turns out going home to Austin wasn’t all it cracked up to be. Elsewhere, Jensen has an interesting conversation with an old friend.

Warnings: Language, angst, dealing with mental health issues

Word Count: 3.2K+

Author’s Note: I just want to start here by reiterating that this is a work of fiction and should be treated as such. I mean no harm to Danneel or her beautiful family, and I have a zero-tolerance policy on this blog. I see and legit forms of hate towards any wife and you are blocked. That being said, I hope you enjoy this part xoxo Alex

Catch up with the series masterlist and check out Alexandra’s Library for more works by yours truly.

Two months later…

When Y/n had stepped onto the tarmac in Austin, she had believed wholeheartedly that this could be a fresh start for her. Or at the very least, she hoped going back to her status quo would help to dull that empty feeling she now held in her chest. And it had worked, at first. Catching up on everything had been just the distraction she was looking for, but as time went on and the workload steadied off, it became harder for her to mask all the emotions.

It was something she had done numerous times before. A coping mechanism that as much as she knew how unhealthy it was, she always found herself reverting back to. This time was no different, and Y/n had found herself working herself into the ground. She was doing everything she could to make sure that work was all that could consume her thoughts, which turned out great in the end for Et Cetera.

Last week, she had received an email from the conglomerate Coty, one of the world’s largest beauty brands, requesting a meeting with her and her lawyers. Obviously, she had been immediately interested, the butterflies in her stomach on full alert even after the meeting had ceased.

“Just… think about our offer. We don’t need an answer right away, we understand that this is a big decision for you. We hope to hear from you soon.” Mr. Baltussen, the CPO for Coty, slid her over a copy of his business card along with the legal documents that spelled out their offer.

“Of course, thank you.” Y/n nodded her head as the small group of executives let themselves out of the conference room. As the door closed behind them, she snapped her head to her lawyer next to her, who already had her nose in the paperwork.

“What do you think?”

“I think this all looks pretty legitimate. Y/n this is a more than generous offer.” Her lawyer’s eyes quickly scanned the words before flitting up to meet Y/n’s.

“So you think I should accept it?”

“Honestly?” Y/n nodded, pleading for an honest answer. “Only you can make that decision, but this says to me that no matter what decision you make, you’ll be just fine.”

“Damn, I was hoping for a more definite answer.” She dropped her head into her folded arms on the table top.

“Sorry I couldn’t be of more help, but I’m here for you no matter what.”

That conversation had been all that she thought about for the rest of the night and was the first thing on her mind when she had woken the next morning. Having the day off, since it was the weekend, meant she had more time to dwell on it. At first, she had been adamant about declining their offer, but the more she thought about it the more appealing it became. After all, her method of shoving everything down to avoid feeling was no longer working for her. Being in Austin, where he also lived, tended to grate on some of her nerves. She often found herself tense when out in public, which she fully understood how irrational it was, afraid that she would run into him somewhere. Her heart just wasn’t ready for that quite yet. Even with her and Jared talking again, things still hurt. He was family and she would never be able to get away from him, but Coty was offering her the ability to get about just as far away as she could from the mess she had created.

Y/n had pulled her laundry from the drier as she went about doing her weekend chores. She plopped onto the couch with the basket in front of her and turned on the news for some background noise. The program was just finishing up as she paid no attention to it and its switch to Entertainment Tonight. She was just about finished with folding when the host’s words caught her attention.

“Coming up next, Supernatural star Jensen Ackles and ex fiance Danneel Harris caught cozying up to each other for lunch in downtown LA.” Y/n snapped her head up to the tv and dropped the panties in her hand back into the basket at her feet. She searched blindly for the remote to turn up the tv as the program returned.

“The two ex lovers were seen having what seemed like a friendly, and funny, lunch together. Could this be the start of a rekindling romance? Only time will tell as their reps declined for comment.” Images of the two flashed across the screen, paparazzi photos of the two of them, both had wide smiles on their faces as they sat next to each other on a patio table. A pair of sunglasses sat on both of their faces, but even she could see the small crinkles around his eyes from that beautiful smile on his face.

Her heart sank into her stomach as she sat back on her couch and pulled her knees into her chest. All those emotions she had fought so hard to push down were now bubbling back up to the surface and threatening to explode out of her throat in a sob. Tears pricked at the corner of her eyes as she fought the stinging in her nose.

Deep down she knew she had no right to feel the way she was. After all, Jensen had ended things with her, and she certainly didn’t leave the door open for him to come running back in. But all she could think about was his promise to her, his promise that he was over the one woman that had the pleasure of wearing his ring on her finger. The images on her television now told her a different story, though, and that brought up every insecurity in her.

What was it that Danneel had that she didn’t? There were the obvious physical differences that she wouldn’t even dare to delve into in her fragile state. But what else about her made her more desirable? Was she smarter, funnier, better in the bedroom…

Ugh! Y/n ran her hands through her hair, tugging gently at the roots. She was so far beyond over feeling like this. She was supposed to be better at handling herself when she got this way, but more so, she was supposed to be over comparing herself to other women. It had been so long since she had relapsed like this, and she had reached her breaking point. Y/n was not okay anymore, and she needed help.

****

Y/n rifled through her living room, tossing pillows and cushions from her couch. She had been so sure that she had left her laptop on the coffee table when she went to bed last night. It was nowhere to be found. Not in her bedroom, living room, not even in her kitchen.

“Damn it.” she growled to herself. There was no more time to look for it, she had to be at Jared and Gen’s soon, so she would just have to push back this search until later. Quickly she put her house back into a semi clean order and ran out the door. Luckily, her brother didn’t live too far from her and she was still on time when she pulled up in their drive.

Three little bodies had the front door pulled open before she could even open her car door. “Aunt Y/n!” Odette was the first one out the door. Y/n knelt down in front of her niece, sweeping her up into her arms and squeezing her tight. It had been longer than usual since she had seen Jared and his kids, in person at least. Things were still… tense to say the least between them. They were still working on their issues… slowly.

Y/n picked up the toddler and made her way inside, hugging the boys as she went. Gen was waiting just inside the door, offering her a tight hug as well.

“We miss you around here, you know that?” Gen smiled as she let down Odette and the kids ran off to continue what they were doing before she had pulled up.

“I know. We are getting there.” Y/n agreed, it really had been too long. She missed her family more than she had thought. They had been so close since forever, that she never understood what it was like to be at a distance from them.

“Then come around more often, please?” Gen urged her sister in law to follow her into the kitchen.

“Gen,” Y/n tried, casting her glance away from the woman who was pleading with her. That was the last thing she needed to hear right now. “I have some news.”

“Should I grab Jared…” She started towards the stairs that lead to their second floor before Y/n moved to stop her.

“No please, just listen.” Gen leaned against the island, giving Y/n her full attention. “I had a meeting on Friday with executives from Coty. They uh,” She chuckled, still in disbelief that this was even happening. “They want to buy my majority shares in Et Cetera.”

“Wow, Y/n that is huge.” Genevieve’s word’s didn’t match the inflection in her voice or the crease that appeared between her brows. She was just as skeptical as Y/n had been when they first presented her the offer.

“That’s not all. Coty offered me a VP position where I would be in charge of US operations. My lawyer said it’s a more than generous offer since I get a seven figure salary plus benefits and bonus’, not to mention the money from the sale of my shares.” Y/n played with the fruit in the bowl in front of her.

“There’s more, isn't there?” The woman was too smart for her own good, Y/n thought to herself. Of course Gen picked up on that fact that she was holding something back.

“I would need to relocate to New York.” Her face scrunched up as she prepared for some sort of outrage or surprise from Gen, but nothing came. Her next words were softer than she deserved.

“Do you want to accept the offer?”

“I didn’t, at first.” Y/n admitted. That was the easy part, admitting to what had changed her mind on the other hand would be a lot more difficult, because she didn’t even want to admit it to herself. “But I don’t know now. It feels like everyone around me is moving on with their lives while I’m just stuck on some sort of endless corporate hamster wheel. I don’t feel the excitement for what I do anymore. Hell, I don’t feel anything anymore. Moving to New York could be just what I need.”

“And what about us? What about your family here in Texas.”

“We have facetime. And I’ll always just be a plane ride away. I mean, it's not like I’m going to Yemen or something. We will have the holidays too.” The catch in her voice broke on her last sentence. She didn’t know who she was trying to convince more, herself or Gen.

“Is this about Jensen?” Gen stood up straighter, her head cocking slightly as she spoke.

Y/n huffed, what a stupid question. “Of course it is. He’s clearly moved on, our time together just a distant and horrible memory. Why shouldn’t I be afforded that same luxury?”

“Come on, you don’t really believe that? Y/n, you have worked so hard for everything you have. And it is all yours, right here in Austin, where your family is too. Why throw all that away over some guy?” Gen’s hand found its way to Y/n’s shoulder, her fingers squeezing the flesh there to try and ground her. She hated seeing her making emotional decisions, especially ones that would affect not only her.

“Jensen wasn’t just some guy, Gen. But I did lose him, and I’m trying my damndest here to move on, but I just haven’t found the ability to do so yet. That’s all I’m looking for.” Y/n cast her gaze down into her lap, where she was now picking at the cuticle on her thumb.

“And all I’m saying is, don’t make this kind of decision without talking to the people around you. Get all the perspective you can, because I don’t think you are seeing this clearly right now.”

“I hear you Gen, but I don’t know if I’ll change my mind again.” Gen nodded her understanding, only wishing she could get through to her sister in law somehow. She pulled her into her chest, hugging her again, because she didn’t know what else she could do.

Neither of them noticed Jared standing on the landing of the stairs, catching every word his sister uttered. His heart sank as he listened to his sister talk. Never before had he heard the defeat in her voice. Y/n was one of the most strong willed people he knew, but she had just… given up.

Before now, he hadn’t noticed how far she had fallen. But maybe that was because he wasn’t looking. The two of them didn’t talk like they used to, and right now he was feeling incredibly guilty about that. Why hadn’t he seen it before? Was it because all he could focus on was the steam coming out of his own ears when he found out she had been sleeping with his best friend? Or was it because as much as she chastised him for it, he still saw her as his baby sister and not the independent woman she had become. It was not like her at all to give up on something she had been working so hard towards. Y/n was not the type of woman to balk at money, and she certainly wouldn’t be the one to walk away from her family for any amount of it.

Jared couldn’t see anymore why he had ever been so adamant that the two of them should not be together. Maybe it was because he knew too many of the intimate details of Jensen’s sex life to think about his sister in that way, or maybe it was even because he thought they wouldn’t be a good match. He could see it now though, having known both of them for so long. Jared shook his head at himself for not seeing truly how much those two were made for each other. He had only stood in their way when he should have been playing matchmaker. After all, didn’t he owe it to two of the most important people in his life to help them find their way to each other?

Jared vowed in that moment, he would fix this. He had to fix this.

Meanwhile, in Los Angeles...

The waiter set down their plates in front of them with a quick ‘enjoy’ before running off. Danneel bit into the salad placed in front of her, chewing delicalating as she decided on what to say.

“You know, I have to say I was surprised you called me.” She thought back to his cryptic text that he had sent. ‘I’m in town and need to talk, can we get lunch?’ was all that it said. He had sent her the name of the cafe when she had agreed on meeting him. The two had exhausted the small talk in the time it took for their food to come and she wanted to get straight to the point.

“I was too, to be honest. But I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and I think you may be one of the few people who can help me.” Jensen took a drink of his water, not looking in her direction.

“Me? We haven’t exactly been pen pals all this time.”

“I know, that means you have an outsider's view point on all of this. And you know me better than almost anyone, I trust your opinion.” Jensen stated. Danneel mouthed a ‘wow’ and sat back in her chair, wiping her face with her napkin.

“This must be big then.” Danneel eyed the man sitting next to her, waiting for him to start with whatever it was he wanted to tell her.

“God, where do I start, uh… I met this woman.” He began, his hand fiddling with the fork against his plate.

“Mmmm.” Danneel hummed, the realization finally hitting her.

“I… she is probably the best thing to ever happen to me. Actually, she’s a lot like you in some ways, brilliant, witty, and beyond beautiful. I fell for her, and I fell hard.”

“So what is the problem exactly?”

“I had to break things off with her. I thought what I was doing was best for her and me, but as time has gone on I’m not so sure. I can’t seem to get rid of this churning in my gut.” His tongue jetted out to wet his lower lip as he poured his heart out. This was not an easy thing for him to admit, the last thing he wanted was to hurt Danneel.

“This girl wouldn’t happen to be Y/n Padalecki, would she?” A small smirk graced her features as Jensen snapped his gaze up to hers.

“H...How?”

“Well you weren’t exactly subtle when you ran after her at your birthday. Not to mention both of you were gone for too long and you returned with that little post coitus smirk you tend to get.” Danneel swirled her finger in a circle to emphasize her point. Jensen chuckled under his breath, his head shaking in disbelief. The noise grew in his chest before bubbling up into a full bellied laugh. Danneel couldn’t help but to join in, his laughter having that effect on people.

“Would you believe that Jared asked me not to get involved with her?” Danneel nodded, she had known Jared for a while, and that did not surprise her at all. “We saw each other behind his back and when he found out, all hell broke loose. The two of them weren’t talking for two weeks.”

“Oh, Jay…”

“Am I an idiot?” He asked her, his voice soft, as if afraid of her answer.

“No, you are not an idiot. You’re in love, but you’re not an idiot.” Danneel held out her hand for him across the table. He took it and she squeezed his palm. “Listen, I know what it’s like to walk away from something because it is the best option for both of you, but I also believe that what’s meant to be, will be.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying if you truly love her and she loves you, you’ll find your way back to each other.” Danneel reiterated.

“And what if we are too late?” Jensen tried.

“Then don’t make yourself late. The least you can do is go to her and tell her how you feel. Then it’s in her hands.”

“You make it sound so easy, Dee.”

“Oh it’s not.” Danneel dropped his hand. “It’s downright terrifying. But do you want to live your life wondering what if?” Jensen shook his head. “Then go get her.”

Part 24

Forevers: @spn-impala @22sarah08 @turtlepad @callmekda @chaldei @hobby27 @cowboysnwinchesters @tranquility-or-chaos @pikabootoyouchu @dawnie1988 @grease222 @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce @polina-93 @clarinette07 @moonlight-babeh @suckerforfanfic @witandnargles @sleepylunarwolf @stiles-stilinski-24-dylan @geeksareunique @akshi8278 @superfanficnatural @malfoysqueen14 @deanwanddamons @waywardbeanie

Et Cetera: @jbbarnesgirl @hillface89 @arses21434 @thevelvetseries @sslater34 @mrsirishboru @smoothdogsgirl @spnfamily-j2 @encounterthepast @facadeformyrealblog @supernatural-bellawinchester @screechingartisancashbailiff @rebeccathefangirl @squirrelnotsam @heartinmyhead1 @1d-killed-me @samsgirl93 @deans-baby-momma @deanmonandnegansbitch @woodworthti666 @supraveng @onethirstyunicorn @heartsaved @know2grow @littlewhiterose @surprisinglysarah @stoneyggirl @carryon-doctor-lock @thebookisbtr @youaremyfiveever @kalesrebellion @lilulo-12 @winchester-fantasies @vicmc624 @supernatural3002 @winchester-writes @maralisa124 @therollingstoners @parinarain

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makeste · 5 years

Text

more essaying about AFO and whether or not he’s the final villain

so @thequietmanno1 , I finally have some time to sit down and answer your asks so let’s get to it lol. I’ll start with the most recent one.

Gonna put my hat in the ring with you and @addermoray about AFO. I agree that currently he intends to turn everything over to Tomura. That was a good point about his little private insight into what makes a good teacher and how it reflected on his intentions going forward with his student. It makes sense for a successful villain like AFO to have the kind of personality and quick judgement to know when to fold em, or change the game up if your current hand won’t get you a satisfactory result. He’s has literal generations to learn how to be an effective evil overlord, so he must be used to playing a mean game of Xanatos speed chess depending on the situation so he always walks away with an advantage.

Switching from raising Tomura to be his loyal tyke bomb to being his own independent villain and leader may explain why Tomura’s development seemed so incomplete in his first appearance. I know that he needed to experience defeat to begin maturing into someone more competent and capable of handling himself, but at the same time, his attitude during the USJ invasion seemed a little too immature for someone his age- like he wasn’t exactly on the same emotional maturity level his body and mind were at after AFO had finished giving him basic training to prepare him. I guess AFO losing his head and not being able to push Tomura’s development forward in a new direction means Tomura got stuck emotionally for a few years whilst his master semi-recovered, not helped by the fact that AFO’s previous grooming attempts were intentionally preventing him from dealing with the emotional scars of his familial massacre. So he kinda stagnated for a bit until All Might and Deku knocked him off his high horse.

(you know what, I’m gonna put the rest of this under a cut; it’s a very long post lol)

After AFO realised he’d basically permanently lost his dream to take over the world, I can totally see him reacting to that in a very thought-out and methodical - but still very immature - way, not unlike the tantrums his pupil used to pull. Destroying the whole board so it’ll end on his terms. I don’t know if he planned for Tomura’s vision of the future to be one where you can rebuild society however you want and the survivors will be free to act how they please, or if he wanted Tomura to turn Japan into a living hellhole for everyone until there’s nothing left for anyone to work with, both heroes and villains. It could be both, frankly; given his adaptability levels I mentioned earlier, he could be fine with either outcome, so long as the society All Might created is destroyed in the process. In any regard, it’s quite likely that he planned the whole situation under the assumption that he’s going to kick the bucket at some point before he got thrown into Tartarus. But if he learns about Eri’s rewind quirk, I think that’ll prompt another change in priorities for him- though obviously that won’t happen until he’s outside.

I’m not sure if Tomura will kill him himself, unless there’s a drastic change in priorities. Like addermoray said, even if he did give Tomura his quirk, he’d still be grateful for it after his recent liberation, so he won’t kill him for his family’s deaths and whilst AFO still has such a highly useful quirk to pass onto him. His dialogue very much stated that was the eventual plan, so AFO is probably safeish until then. Besides, in either scenario, Tomura feels indebted to AFO for being the only one who noticed him and ‘saved’ him from his abused and ignored lifestyle. Really, I think, if anything, AFO would probably set himself up to kill or be killed by Deku in a final confrontation to further motivate Tomura to become the new Symbol of Chaos and focus his efforts on destroying Deku’s fledgling Symbol. See, going forward, I very much see AFO getting out of prison, but then choosing to leave Tomura running the organisation he’s built up in his absence- which won’t require any management from AFO himself anyway- and focus all his effort on analysing and psychologically manipulating Deku from behind Tomura’s back whilst the latter is focused on his current campaign of societal collapse, like the Joker focusing on breaking Batman’s spirit.

See, the thing I think a lot of people miss about Deku is that he is by far the youngest inheritor of OFA so far. I mean it seems obvious given his age and inexperience with the power that is way beyond what his predecessors had to deal with, but in All Might’s flashback to what I presume is his first meeting with Nana and his own Origin story, it looked like teen Might was a few years older than Deku at the time, and that was before he had to be trained to handle the power. We know that at the very least, he had the quirk and was doing heroics against AFO by 18, but you’ve got to remember that AFO being on the scene and in his prime meant Yagi’s era was more chaotic and dangerous for everyone than Deku’s is, so it’s likely that Yagi was already more prepared for the combative lifestyle that Deku was, even with the fact that he inherited OFA a few years later than him and having had time to sort out his resolution with the power. As opposed to Deku, who basically wanted to be All Might and spent a lot of time getting that hammered out of his skull, and has had issues with sorting out what kind of hero he’s supposed to become through his own merits, given his vague terms of describing his ambition.

Whilst it’s not determined when everyone got the power, we know that the First Wielder was an adult when it first manifested, and given the ages of the other generations that we’ve seen, I think it was implied that they were all chosen after they’d proved themselves capable of using the power against AFO, meaning they all had various heroic and emotional experience before getting OFA. Actually, I’m not certain, but I think it’s implied that Yagi was the youngest chosen before Deku, which, given his quirklessness and youth, makes it more poetic that he was ultimately the one to take him down twice.

That said, Deku is clearly not as prepared for going up against someone like AFO as the other Wielders were, either physically or mentally. All Might ushering an era of peace means that Deku doesn’t have nearly the same level of experience the others did by his age, and his whole 100% power/7 quirks thing is further complications in him becoming a new symbol asap. One aspect of this was time- All Might’s wounds and weakening health were pressuring him to find a successor more than AFO, who already had a handy-dandy prepped tyke-bomb in Tomura available- the perks of planning ahead. So when All Might Found Deku, it was a snap decision, and one he feels justified in, but it also meant Deku was rushed through the basic requirements of being able to Hold OFA without being prepared to actually ‘use’ it. His first smash came whilst he was under fire in the middle of a high-level exam for Christ’s sake, and All Might getting his own teacher taken away from him when he was still in school means he’s never been taught by someone else on how to be a good teacher, or how to recognise when he’s being a bad teacher. Not to mention the whole natural genius thing.

Point is, I don’t think any of the other Wielders made their choices so soon after meeting them, and probably not before they’d given them some advanced preparations for passing the power on to someone who was ready and capable of using it for a good cause. Adding to that, AFO’s got an unexpected advantage over Deku compared to the others- he knows who he is and where to find him. I think it’s heavily implied that past the first wielder, the others had to raise their successors in secret once they’d outed themselves to AFO as the next wielders, so he couldn’t pre-emptively cut the chain of succession, since if AFO knew who the next person was, he’d have ended them before they got a handle on their new power. Being in a more chaotic age- and the implication that they were older and more independent than Deku- meant the successors were capable of avoiding AFO’s gaze when needed, so they made up for their lack of All Might strength with subterfuge and tactical thinking whilst the power grew. Heck, All Might himself had to leave Japan for America so he’d be capable of handling himself and his abilities to the fullest when he returned. Deku doesn’t have that advantage- he’s in a school, with close friends and family, all of whom AFO can use to force him to fight him if needed. But I see him taking his time with this. Deku’s an unknown variable to AFO- he didn’t know about him till the USJ attack was finished, and after that the ball was already rolling on his incarceration scheme, so he didn’t make any moves. But once he’s out, I forsee him using his new lease on life to learn all about the new OFA holder and what makes him tick, as well as subtly messing with him in indirect means.

Given his declining health, and based on the fact he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to waste away in a medical bed, I totally believe there’s going to be a showdown between them at some point, with AFO banking on either killing Deku and ending OFA for good, or further motivating Shigaraki if he falls. Granted, Eri’s quirk may change his mind on this, but again, AFO’s adaptable- I can totally see him having thought that outcome up after learning about Deku, and considering it a good way to go out. Regarding that Showdown, whether in his prime or at the end of his currant lifespan, I totally believe that’s when AFO would bring up any revelations about Tomura’s fall from grace. Like Addermoray said, it wouldn’t affect Shigaraki anymore- but it would affect the previous wielders through Deku, specifically Nana. I can totally see AFO using that family drama and revelations against his deceased nemeses by emotionally compromising Nana, and through that, perhaps disrupting whatever “avatar state” setup Deku goes into when he converses with them before getting down to brass tacks with him whilst he can’t contact them for advice.

In any regard, AFO’s definitely gonna be focused solely on Deku when he gets out- he’s totally done with All Might, having done everything he could to undermine him as a heroic symbol of peace before he was taken out. And leaving him to rot, powerless to help in the rising chaotic times, would be sweet revenge for him, forcing All Might into a similar position he himself was in. Shigaraki will be running whatever Empire he’s building just fine without AFO, and even if he intends to replace him eventually, AFO will probably consider Deku the more pressing engagement now that he’s got some room to think and work on his own terms. Running an evil empire is probably very taxing work, and very time consuming, which is probably why he didn’t take the OFA wielders as seriously as he should have until All Might’s time. So now he’ll be free to relax and get to know Deku before he attempts to utterly break him. Whichever way that turns out, I do think there will be some genuine Villain respect on his behalf towards Deku- there’s a lot of points those two have in common, so I think he’ll see a little of himself and his brother in this newest successor.

---

okay, a lot of different points here, so I’ll try to break them down and address them one by one. these aren’t necessarily in order either:

(1) good points about AFO probably shifting gears on Tomura after receiving his injury. clearly that would have thrown a wrench into his plans, regardless of what said plans actually were.

(2) about Deku being the youngest inheritor of OFA “by far” -- I have doubts that this is the case. young Toshinori was wearing a middle school uniform in the anime flashback when he spoke with Nana about wanting to become society’s pillar, so that would put him at the same age Deku was in chapter one, if not younger. moreover, you have to consider that young All Might was very much in the same boat Deku was as far as wanting to attend U.A. despite being quirkless. so it’s very likely that Nana pulled something similar to what he himself later did with Deku. otherwise it’s hard to envision how he could have passed the U.A. entrance exam. so I’d say chances are good All Might was the same age as Deku was when he inherited OFA, if not younger.

(3) I think Deku is actually more prepared than the other wielders in some ways, even as he lags behind in others. consider, first of all, the fact that he managed to pull off something none of the other wielders even knew about, much less came close to achieving, with the SIXQUIRKS. so there’s that. and then the other advantage that I think he has over the past wielders is that the other OFA users appear to have been loners, by and large. most likely for the reasons you laid out -- they had to lie low so as to prevent AFO -- who at the time was at his full power -- from taking them out, along with their loved ones. by contrast, Deku is exposed, so in that regard he’s much more vulnerable. but he also has a great advantage that none of the other wielders so far have had -- he’s not alone. it’s not just the bad guy who knows his secret. his teacher knows. his rival knows. he’s not fighting this battle alone. and that’s going to be critical moving forward. AFO may find it more difficult to break him than he anticipates. and frankly, his emotional naivete may prove to be as much of an advantage as it is a weakness, if not more so. he has resilience and optimism and those are critical strengths.

(4) I think we have different ideas as far as Horikoshi’s endgame plans for the series. the main thing I keep coming back to is Horikoshi’s pacing. this is a remarkably fast-paced story as far as the shounen genre typically goes. the one time he intentionally dragged an arc out, (a) he got bored his own damn self, and (b) despite his best efforts he couldn’t make it longer than 40 chapters. compare that to your average arc in Naruto or One Piece. compare that to fucking Dressrosa arc, or the damn Soul Society arc in Bleach. my point is, Horikoshi knows how to be concise. and a key thing is that he’s said in interviews that he doesn’t intend for the story to drag out forever. he’s a perfectionist, and he knows he doesn’t have infinite energy or infinite ideas, and I think he’d like to end things while he’s still on top. he also knows how he wants to end the story, and he’s mindful of making sure he’s constantly driving the plot forward. in this interview, he mentions he originally wanted the story to end around volume 30 (we’re currently in what will become volume 25), but he’s acknowledged he’s still got a lot of stuff he needs to set up, so the original target is clearly way off. but still, I think it’s a safe bet this series won’t be dragged out as long as others.

so that being said, when we consider future developments in the story, I think we need to take into account how much time there is left in the story. there isn’t time for characters to be slow and crafty in their schemes. we’re at a point where just about all the pieces needed for endgame have to be in place already, or at least established. we can’t expect new plot twists to keep being introduced. so while I like the idea of AFO playing the long game when it comes to Deku, I’m not sure how likely that actually is to happen. proper mind fuckery takes some time to pull off. I think it’s more likely we’ll see an accelerated version of that, if anything, with their relationship being crafted in the span of just one or two arcs rather than it being a more drawn out thing.

(5) so basically, here’s a quick rundown of where I personally see the story going

Tomura completes his Rise to Power and starts to make good on his vow to end the world

the pros and police struggle and take heavy losses in several high-profile incidents, resulting in further instability to a society already beginning to show its cracks. things begin to look kind of bleak

Deku -- now under intense pressure to unlock the rest of his new powers as quickly as possible -- is of course somehow intricately tied to every single one of these incidents, and continues to grow stronger while somehow escaping through the skin of his teeth

rinse and repeat as things build to a head

AFO breaks out of prison and joins the League in an attack on U.A.

he steals Eri’s quirk and is restored to power. meanwhile, Tomura kills All Might, but also learns of AFO’s manipulations in the process. he has conflicted feelings about this

Deku meets the Obi-Wanned All Might in the Avatar State, and unlocks the rest of his powers, preparing for the final showdown

there is a final showdown. it’s fucking epic. in the end Tomura delivers the killing blow to AFO in a move that surprises him as much as anyone

that’s the cliff notes version, more or less. pretty straightforward, but I think the purpose of a story shouldn’t be to surprise and shock so much as it should be to move and excite and thrill the audience, and reward them for their investment in the story and the characters. and this is a classic hero’s journey outline, and it’s a classic for a reason.

anyway, to bring this all back around on track and conclude things, the story could probably work both ways -- with either Tomura as the final villain, or AFO. but based on the pieces we have so far, I think AFO being the final villain is the more logical and satisfying story. and I just really like the thought of him being done in by all these pawns he overlooked and underestimated. Deku, who barely seems to be an afterthought in his planning thus far; and Tomura, whom he’s manipulated to be this devastating agent of chaos and destruction, but whom he arrogantly continues to think of as being his. if he dies in prison, and Tomura does become the final villain, and is only redeemed at the end of the story, when he either dies or goes into exile or whatever -- that’s not satisfying. it disregards all of the worldbuilding being done to explore the mythology of OFA and AFO. it leaves us frustrated as we’re forced to side against a villain we now empathize with. it’s too fucking dark. so for now I’ll continue to root for AFO being the final villain. because it’s something I want, just as much as it is something I think things are leaning toward.

#bnha #boku no hero academia #all for one #shigaraki tomura #midoriya izuku #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #makeste reads bnha #bnha meta #asks #thequietmanno1

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daesungindistress · 5 years

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This isn't in response to anything in particular, no "new" news, just something that's been building for a while.

For my own mental and physical -- yes, physical -- health, I need to take a few steps back from everything. At least until this controversy re: Daesung is resolved.

After renting for all of my adult life, I just purchased a home for the first time. If I've been a little quiet here the past few days, it's because I've been in the process of packing and moving. There is a lot of work that needs to be done now that I'm finally here, not just around the house itself but with my small business that I've picked up and relocated as well. With this move, I'm essentially restarting my life in a new area and I need to be charged and ready for anything and everything life throws my way.

As a first-time homebuyer, the last month has been stressful; throwing oneself into something totally new usually is. The day I made an offer on the house, we experienced a sudden equipment failure at work and lost months' worth of customers' orders. It wasn't my fault, but I felt responsible nonetheless. That night, desperately needing to decompress, I came home to the realization that something was wrong with my cat. I took her to the vet for bloodwork, fluids, and antibiotics, and spent the next 3 days trying to syringe feed her... but ultimately could only look on, powerless, as she went from not eating or drinking to struggling to swallow, drool dripping from her chin, unable to rest, fighting for every labored breath. On July 1st I made the decision to end her suffering and let her go peacefully.

She was my constant companion. My only pet of the last 10 years and a daily presence in my life for over a decade, by my side through so much change. She slept beside me every night and was there to greet me at the door every evening when I came home. She was such a comfort to me. Every fic I've written for this fandom, she was curled up on my lap throughout it.

Died of cancer, it turns out. I didn't even know she was sick. She seemed fine right up until the day she suddenly wasn't... and it had to be right during a time when I was more financially stretched thin than I've ever been. $1,100 in diagnostic tests later and all I had to show for it was a dead friend and a crippling sense of guilt. I cried for her every day for nearly three weeks straight. Everywhere I looked I saw her still, in all her usual spots around the apartment, staring up at me. She was only 10, almost 11. I thought we would have more years together. More time.

We always fall into that trap, don't we? Thinking we have time.

Meanwhile, things with the house were moving along. The day she was euthanized I had to rush straight from the clinic to the bank to wire my earnest money. Told the banker with a teary laugh not to worry about my red eyes or my sniffling. "I'm not sick or contagious, just had my cat put down." The next day home inspections began and the reports and addendums came pouring in. I was in a state of near-constant communication with my realtor and my lender. I had to tell my loan officer about the vet bills to make sure it wasn't going to be a problem; you're not supposed to incur any large expenses just prior to purchasing a home as you risk the loan being rejected. I won't lie... this was a factor in me letting her go when I did (one of many). I couldn't afford to keep treating her. It wasn't until later, post mortem, that I got confirmation that it was cancer, and with it, a measure of closure.

I was finally working through it, or past it, no tears for almost a week when this bomb with Daesung dropped. Woke up to the worst ask: "What do you think of Daesung's new scandal?" In the 5 days that followed I was anxiety personified. I was back to crying incessantly. I'd get chills every time the thought of what was happening crossed my mind. Waking up every morning sweating and shaking. I was weak and hungry but couldn't bear the thought of eating. Choking down a slice of cheese seemed impossible; I had to take my nausea meds that I save for migraines just to keep it from coming back up. I thought, 'What the hell is going on? I'm not like this, this isn't me!'

One night I noticed some clothes were looser than usual and had the thought to weigh myself. I was shocked to find that I had lost around 17 lbs -- almost 13% of my body weight. I haven't weighed this little since high school. I have no idea how long it had been declining as my weight has always been steady enough that I don't need to check it regularly. Of course, I then began worrying about potential health issues besides "just" grief and stress. My cat seemed fine until she wasn't, I had no idea about the tumor in her lung until it was the end... could it be...?

Then I closed on the home on Monday, despite a few last-minute, headache-inducing setbacks that I won't go into here.

Over the last few days I have been so busy and so focused on the task at hand -- moving out and moving in -- that I've finally gotten my appetite back, and with it some of the weight, so that's one less thing to worry about, along with the homebuying process and the move itself. It helps that my parents are visiting so I'm not totally alone with my thoughts. I'm not thinking about the loss of my cat as often either, though the memory of her final days still moves me to tears here and there.

That leaves this ordeal with Daesung.

I'm handling it a lot better now than I was near the start, but I still feel a stab of fear every time I think of him. Fear for him. Every. Damn. Time.

More than anything, I want him to come out of this okay. I want to believe everything will be okay in the end. But I can't keep scaring and stressing myself sick over him, literally, at a time when I need to be strong for the sake of my own future. I've stopped challenging opinions on reddit, asianjunkie, etc. I've stopped checking entirely. It accomplishes nothing and I always end up at the bottom of a dogpile anyway, fending off opponents on all sides. Let's face it, fighting with strangers on the internet will have no tangible effect on the outcome of this. All it's doing is dragging me under.

And if I know one thing, it's that Daesung would not want that. "A singer who brings people happiness." That is what he aims to be, that is what he successfully became after clawing his way back from the events of 2011. "Let me protect your happiness," he sings, and says, on the regular.

But this is a far cry from happiness. This is anxiety and dread seemingly without end, fearing the worst, trying not to dwell on it yet trying to prepare for it. It's the exact opposite of everything he's ever wanted. And it would torment him to know how those who love him and want the best for him are hurting because of him.

So it's time to get some distance. I'll still be around, just less than usual, maybe. And to those of you who've been sending me asks, I appreciate them all, even if some of them don't get a reply.

That being said... I stand with Daesung. And I stand strong. I'm not swallowing this nonsense the Korean media is going all out to force down our throats. I believe in Daesung, and when this has passed, I will still be here for him, happy -- no, overjoyed to welcome him back. He is still a member of Big Bang and I expect the others -- Jiyong, Youngbae, Seunghyun -- will stand by him too when the time is right.

And if he leaves? Just to get it out of the way, I don't believe he will, because if he does that's it, Big Bang is officially over. But let's just say he does, hypothetically. If, after this, he decides to give Korea the middle finger and focus his efforts in Japan instead? I'll be here, on this same blog, still cheering him on in his solo career.

As for the fans who've lost their trust and turned their backs on him, fine, whatever. I'm used to the fandom ignoring him, overlooking him, seeing him as little more than a big voice and a bright smile. People like to say Seungri was the "least popular", but outside of Japan, that honor goes to Daesung. Especially in the English-speaking side of the fandom. Don't believe me, go scroll through English Big Bang fanfic and let me know how many feature him. Or should I say how few. I've tried to keep quiet about it, tried not to complain. Do you know how vanishingly rare active Daesung blogs have been in my 3+ years here? Since the beginning I've been over here in my little corner of the internet, surviving on scraps, so in a way, this is nothing new. Drop him if you want to -- and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

I've never needed anyone's approval or agreement to be fond of him. I came to like him on my own, without anyone's persuasion, and if that changes it won't be because of anything his newest critics have to say. The lack of support for him in this difficult time saddens me, but it won't stop me. And I sincerely hope that, for the sake of this entire fandom, it won't stop him either.

Stay strong, Daesung. I will try to do the same.

#daesung #bigbang #my post #what makes it worse is I'm feeling so so so convicted right now for how I've attacked seungri fans over the last few months #like... I had this coming didn't I?#I don't think their situations are the same but I'm well aware that not everyone sees it that way #and it just sucks #I think now would be a good time to just shut up #feels like I've become the very people I've spent months criticizing #at least it must look that way

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calorieworkouts · 4 years

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23 Weight-Loss Tips That Actually Worked For Women Just Like You

There's no question that employing a trusted registered dietitian is the means to go when you're attempting to make a big modification to your lifestyle.

But you understand that else has some pretty damn suitable ideas when it pertains to dropping pounds? Individuals that have really done it themselves.

Here, 23 various women share small tricks that helped them lose weight (and also keep it off).

1. Ditch your trigger foods.

Bags of chips. Tubs of crackers. Additional Halloween candy. Do away with anything that's a weak place, specifically any foods you've binged on in the past. 'If you understand you'll damage into the remaining birthday cake at twelve o'clock at night, throw it quickly,' states accountant Brandy Thele, that shed 130 extra pounds after she was detected with kind 2 diabetes mellitus.

Instead, swap 'restricted' foods for much healthier replacements. As opposed to swearing off treat completely, for circumstances, indulge in fresh fruit after meals. As well as if your partner or youngsters balk at your chucking the gelato, hide it behind the icy edamame so you don't glance it every single time you open up the freezer.

2. Hold on your own responsible ... for every little thing.

Keep a food diary as well as consist of everything (yes, that bite of your toddler's mac and cheese matters) so you can see where the calories come from. Day-care supervisor DJ Gray listed what she consumed and tracked her calories with the SparkPeople app on her way to shedding 115 pounds.

3. Produce an assistance system online.

Social media can be a powerful incentive to stick with your plan and make progress, Christina Donatella, now an individual fitness instructor, established up a Facebook page about her diet plan and workout routines and dropped 180 pounds.

Are you captured up on Jenna Jameson's weight-loss journey?

4. Take note of section dimensions.

So lots of dieters undervalue just how much they're eating. Devices and also devices can help: Teacher Jen Punda downloaded and install the MyFitnessPal app to help her gauge serving dimensions and also dropped 91 pounds, stay-at-home mother Krystal Sanders acquired a portion-control plate, which educated her to eyeball healthy and balanced portions of healthy protein, veggies, and starches.

5. Cook your own food.

Research reveals that individuals that prepare the majority of their own meals take in fewer calories, carbs, sugar, and fat than those who prepare seldom. If you insist you're also overloaded, try this method from paralegal Jessie Foss, who shed 100 pounds: On Sunday, work up a big batch of something healthy and balanced, like soup from a slow cooker, and also eat it throughout the week.

6. Do not nix the fiber or fat.

Fiber broadens in your belly and also requires time to digest, both of which aid keep you really feeling complete for longer. Great resources include entire grains, veggies, as well as whole fruit (not juiced). Healthy fats like olive and nut oils-in moderation-improve flavor, give you energy, and also help your body use specific nutrients. Alexandra Shipper included healthy and balanced fats, such as avocado, to healthy protein sources like eggs as well as fish on her method to going down 55 pounds.

7. Do not really feel required to go to the fitness center.

When you're at your heaviest, it can be frightening to step right into a health club and start running or lifting among the spandex-clad. Exercising in your very own space is likewise merely less complicated to schedule-you can lift weights while the child naps or very first point in the morning without dragging yourself out the door. 'I bought a stationary bicycle so I can function out whenever I want,' states Sarah DeArmond, who shed 100 extra pounds.

8. Job weights into your workout routine.

To drop significant lbs, you require the one-two strike of cardio exercise plus strength training. Resistance assists construct and also protect metabolism-boosting lean muscle mass while shedding fat and is particularly crucial when you hit a plateau. Amanda Eco-friendly lost 15 pounds in 2 months doing hour-long cardio DVDs, but it wasn't till she started running outside and training weights three times a week that she was able to ditch the last 15 of her 30-pound objective.

9. Difficulty yourself by enrolling in a race.

Jessica McMullin signed up for her first race, a 5K walk-run, hoping an obstacle would certainly help motivate her to shed weight-which it did, method greater than she could have pictured. 'I absolutely fell in love with running, it changed my whole life,' she states.

Not only did it aid her shed 60 extra pounds, yet making it a day-to-day practice also helped her overcome her depression. Now she stays motivated by remaining to challenge herself with brand-new race goals. To day, she's completed over 100 different races.

10. Do not promise off your favorite deals with for excellent.

Little treats keep you from feeling robbed, so everyday, allow on your own a little bit of something you enjoy (go for 150 calories each). This kind of small amounts is the distinction between a 'diet' and also a way of life you can stick to for life. For salon proprietor Caitlin Gallagher, who shed 125 pounds, that indicated changing her every night bowl of ice cream with a square of chocolate, social worker Brittany Hicks, that lost 100 pounds, started cooking mini variations of her favorite pies.

11. Always ensure you have a plan.

When going out to supper, follow the lead of law enforcement agent Larissa Reggetto, who dropped 105, and also look up the food selection ahead of time to prevent impulse buying.

12. Stick to a routine.

Too much selection in your diet regimen can tinker your satiation cues and also make you eat way too much, so include some (tasty) monotony to your routine. One easy way: Consume the exact same healthy and balanced breakfast and/or lunch daily during the week, and appreciate new tastes on the weekend break. The most effective feature of that strategy, claims 69-pound-loser (emergency room, champion?) Melanie Kitchen area: 'I really did not need to keep developing new dishes!'

13. Have a positive weight-loss rule.

When Katrina Plyler decided to take control of her weight, she chose to try the Whole30 as a way to reset as well as commit to her objectives.

' That initial day was so tough, I nearly caved and also grabbed the vending equipment at job yet I kept in mind a quote I carried my Facebook web page that claimed 'The only thing standing between you as well as your objective is the bullshit tale you maintain informing yourself as to why you can't attain it' which was enough to make me avert from the machine,' she says.

She completed the entire month of the Whole 30 and stuck to a clean Paleo-style diet regimen afterward. Within a year she was down 46 pounds. 'I always keep that quote close-by and also reread it when I'm really feeling weak,' she adds.

14. Search for things to include to your life, not deduct.

Starting a weight-loss journey can be hard, particularly if you're quiting a great deal of points you love. Shannon Hagen's key to remaining positive while dropping weight? 'I never ever consider it as giving points up, that makes me feel deprived,' she states. 'Rather I concentrate on adding in one little healthy change at a time, until it comes to be a practice.' Instead of being bummed over not having your normal dish of ice lotion before bed, attempt a new healthy dessert recipe to include to your file.

15. Focus on what you wish to acquire, too.

Chronic migraine headaches were what first inspired Amanda Tagge to begin working out. 'I was intending to discover some remedy for my frustrations as well as working out did aid however I realized that if I truly desired to really feel much better I required to overhaul my health habits overall and slim down,' she claims. The even more she transformed, the far better her frustrations obtained and she lost 70 pounds in the procedure which aided her feel even better. Concentrating on right her wellness was enhancing kept her going even when the range wasn't moving.

16. Track your fruits as well as veggies.

Snacking is the crucial to Mary Rogerson's 60-pound fat burning but it's not just exactly how usually she eats yet what. 'I intend to eat at least 7 portions of vegetables a day, in addition to some protein, every couple of hours,' she states. 'And also The finest component is that by the time she's filled up on her rainbow of fruit and vegetables, she's usually also full to eat much else as well as her yearnings for sweets have actually gone method down.

17. Consume something rejuvenating as quickly as you wake up.

' Every morning I consume alcohol a mug of warm water with half a lemon pressed right into it, a teaspoon of apple cider vinegar, and a dashboard of cayenne pepper,' states Michelle Keough. This assists her beginning her time off on a healthy note while obtaining her moisturized after a long night. This technique, integrated with eating meals constructed around healthy protein as well as veggies, helped her lose 20 pounds and also keep it off.

18. Try establishing an 'consuming home window.'

Connie Jory advocates recurring fasting-eating during a certain window of time, like from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. consuming at all.

' In the beginning it was difficult to adapt to but I've found that if I stick to only consuming within my collection home window, the hunger pains vanish and I don't even think of food.' This intermittent fasting method has actually assisted her shed greater than 70 pounds.

19. Make treats a real treat.

' I have one hell of a wonderful tooth, therefore I have to decline to bring sweet, cake, or sweets right into the residence, period,' claim Lin Williams, who's lost 105 extra pounds. Rather, if she desires a reward she has to want it poor enough to get up, obtain in the cars and truck, leave her house, as well as go to the store-a procedure that rarely really feels worth it. As well as on the rare occasion she does indulge? 'I get specifically what I want as well as enjoy every bite of it!' she says.

20. Use a loved one as inspiration.

Finding the inspiration to work out as well as drop weight was difficult and as a busy mama Sabrina Winder can never appear to discover the time. When her son decided to do a biking value badge for Kid Scouts, unexpectedly helping her youngster indicated helping herself also.

' My reason made use of to be that I really did not intend to leave my kids alone to work out, however this assisted me see I can still do it and simply include them,' she states. Currently she's slimming down and obtaining trimmer while setting a healthy and balanced example for her children. 'It's a win-win for our entire family,' she adds.

21. Don't really feel poor for saying 'no' often.

' My father resembles a food-pushing wizard, he's always pulling stuff out of his pockets or showing up with delicious food,' states Mary Mock. While the family members tradition of shock sugary foods was fun, when it came time to lose weight, she knew she needed to place a quit to all that lure. 'At first, he seemed hurt when I kept claiming no yet when I explained it was for my wellness, he hopped on board. Sometimes I still have to remind him though!' she says.

22. Discover ways to treat on your own without food.

Making the connection between her stress and anxiety and also her food desires was a game-changer for Kelly Pedestrian. 'I understood that by the end of the day, I simply wanted something to relax me down as well as so I 'd binge on delicious chocolate,' she states.

' Regarding a year ago, I started looking for other ways to handle my stress and anxiety besides consuming, like washing or doing acupuncture.' She's lost over 40 extra pounds but the finest component is that she feels extra unwinded than she's ever been. 'It ends up that eating all that sugar was making me much more distressed, making a ferocious cycle.'

23. Make your refrigerator a 'healthy and balanced treats just' zone.

Having a healthy option within your reaches when you're depriving can make all the distinction in between sticking to your objectives as well as providing in to temptation. 'I keep little containers of hummus and also carrots, pickles, nuts and dried out apricots, salsa and rice biscuits, and other healthy and balanced combos in the front of my fridge and also kitchen so they are literally the initial thing I see when I unlock,' claims Lita Moreno. 'I don't also offer myself a selection to rip off.' This little change has aided her decrease virtually 80 pounds.

#exercise #fitness #fitness center #fitness instructor #health #health club #the fitness center #weight #wellness #work out #workout #workout routines

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colleenmurphy · 4 years

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Home Is Where You Make It

A/N: The following is the basis for Colleen’s life in the 70′s / Blue Jean Tiny Dancer verse. It’s also written exactly as I felt / lived it before my father’s ( and ultimately my mother’s ) passing. The letter included towards the end is a reply I received not long after my dad’s passing, the name was changed but it’s had a lasting impact on my life, and always will. This is how Colleen made her fresh start on the West Coast and ended up with a music man of her very own when she least expected it.

I never ever thought there would come a time when I would have to face a day or a night or a holiday or any waking moment without either of my parents. I knew Ma was sick, one look could tell you that. But Dad…Dad’s still going strong. I’ll be okay as long as he’s still here.

This was the mantra that got Colleen through the last three months. The thought that made it possible to get up each morning and face the day, get through the endless home visits and medication schedules. Her world didn’t stop because of her mother’s passing. No, there was laundry to be done, groceries and meals to shop for and prepare and bills to pay. She had to be okay so that he was kept comfortable. As long as he was okay she was okay.

Until he wasn’t. Pneumonia had set in somehow, she’d been so careful. So, so careful about everything and now this. It takes the ambulance over an hour to get there and he’s trying to pull the catheter out and calling her everything but human. This man isn’t her father. He has his face and his hands and his voice but it isn’t him. The disease has taken over and soon she’s left at home by herself trying to figure out just how he got so sick so quickly. Then the seizures start in the inpatient unit. She goes to him with nothing but an overnight bag and a heart full of prayers.

There was a saying that she remembered from childhood, hospital walls heard more prayers than even the largest of churches. There she sat by his bed, afraid that if she left him, let go of his work worn, arthritic hand that he would simply fade away into a puff of smoke. That he would die. The end was coming, she knew it. She had known it since he had gotten the diagnosis in that tiny little room of the oncology office. The knock off Monet print framed and hung awkwardly next to a Sharps container stuck out in her mind. She remembered trying so hard not to cry on the ride home that the trip was silent for the two of them. Ma had still be alive then and when she was told Colleen saw the spark leave her mother’s body. The beginning of the end for all of them. None of them knew it yet. Five months later she finds her mother on the bedroom floor and does everything in her power to try and bring her back. Alas her mother is not Lazarus and she will not rise. No matter how many chest compressions she does or how many times she calls to her and begs God not to take her, Kathleen Riley Delaney isn’t coming back.

In a flash she’s seven years old again and running home from school towards home. Bursting through the front door eager to hug her mother or her father. She settles for her father and gives him the biggest bear hug she can muster. She’s content for a moment then she opens her eyes and they’re together in the hospital room and she’s squeezing his hand as tightly as ever. She stays by his side, sleeping little and eating even less. The nurses begin to worry and beg her to take a moment for herself. Go home, take a shower eat a good meal and get some rest. Her response is always the same.

“I can’t leave him. I don’t want him to be alone.”

A nurse takes her aside and holds her hand for a moment.

“You need to take a moment for yourself. He’s stable and he’s comfortable. Please.”

With that she does. It’s a lonely ride home but familiar surroundings of the rental place she’s staying at calm her. Even if it’s for a moment. She returns calmer but not well rested. The meal she had prepared herself tasted like nothing. Sleep evades her until she closes her eyes to blink and opens them noticing that the shadows in the room have changed position. That evening she catches Johnny Carson but doesn’t laugh. Laughter has no place in her life right now. Instead she curls up in a hospital chair with the freshly washed knitted blanket Kathleen had gifted her four birthdays ago and reaches out to hold her father’s hand. There is no change in his condition and for a moment they’re in a bubble. Together. She wonders what he’s seeing. Is is reliving every moment of his life? He feet and hands were moving only two days ago, as if he was pulling in a line of lobster pots and giving hand signals to the crew. She saw his mouth move a few times and she would give anything to hear his voice again instead of the drowning gurgling groans. She prays and prays and finally feels darkness creeping in. She’s not being heard. She was raised that if you believed you would be heard. All you had to do was pray because God could hear you at any time and would answer you. She feels she’s not being heard and in her utter desperation she takes pen to paper and pours out her feelings. The next morning she finds her letter gone from the bedside table. The days start to blur and she settles into a new routine. James is still unresponsive, a well meaning family friend calls from Boston and urges her to come out and spend some time with the overly large brood that Colleen doesn’t know from Adam. She knows that it is meant with love and good intentions but she can’t focus on that right now. She has to be there for her father. Two more days pass and as she steps out to get a drink from the water cooler a nurse calls her back.

“It’s happening.”

What’s happening? Another seizure? A heart attack? A stroke…what? Oh. That. The that that can’t be happening but it is.

She gently takes his hand, the same hands she seen her entire life. The impossibly large hands of a man that held her when she was small. Taught her how to bait a hook, drive a car, make the best fried potatoes ever. The hands that wiped away her tears. She smooths down his hair, it would always be salt and pepper colored to her, and kisses his cheek.

“I love you to the moon and back, Dad. It’s okay…I’ll be okay. Everything will be okay.”

Outside a storm rages and rain comes down in sideways sheets. It’s almost deafening as the power flickers for a moment. For one brief moment Colleen could swear that they were out at sea. With a large gasp her father takes his last breath and holds it as the storm reaches its peak and lets out a sigh. James Delaney is gone. She sits with him until her best friend comes to collect her as there’s no way she can drive home. She ends up sidelined with a horrible chest cold at the very start of spring. It takes her the better part of a month to recover. The rest of her time is spent clearing and cleaning the tiny house she called home. It is then that she realizes that it’s not material possession that make up a home, or even the home itself. Home is a feeling, it’s fond memories that she’ll always have in her heart. A yard sale is held and a total of $600 is made. A tidy sum along with the sale of the house and for the first time since her world ended she can breathe. Her parents are with her no matter where she does, in her heart and in the small urn she has packed ever so carefully along those with her favorite terrier dog. A chapter in her life has ended and another one is beginning. She’s unsure of herself but she’s taking her first shaky steps into her own life on her own terms.

“Promise me that you’ll call when you land?”

“Cross my heart.”

Another never ending hug is exchanged and Colleen Delaney boards a plane. A lyrics strikes her, from her recently sold record collection she remembers.

Made up my mind to make a new start

Going To California with an aching in my heart

Turning back before she walks away she calls.

“See ya later, alligator!”

Helene’s response can he heard over the throng of people.

“In a while crocodile!”

Did she make the wrong choice? Should she have stayed back home? What if this goes horribly horribly wrong? In the confines of her pocket she pulls out a letter that was post marked a month ago. She barely remembers what she wrote. The plane taxis and soon she’s airborne. Carefully unfolding the letter she reads.

Dear Ms. Delaney,

I'm sorry to hear about the passing of your mother, and the ill health of your father.

Your prayers and dedication to them are a great sign that God's grace has been working in you.

The presence of suffering in the world can shake our faith at times. But when we look at the crucifix, we are reminded that suffering can have a redemptive meaning.

You mustn't think that God has abandoned you. You are his beloved daughter, and he is as close to you now as ever.

A mystery of our faith is that God has a way of testing those he loves the most. Just think of the Blessed Virgin Mary and the heartache she went through on Calvary.

You fidelity to your parents in their declining years is a great witness of charity and family solidarity. We need more of that in the world.

Also, the need to help your parents these past years has probably helped you to grow in a lot of ways. I can imagine that you have a big heart and that your values aren't centered on the frivolous things of this world. Not all young women your age can say the same thing.

This would be a good moment to double-down on your prayer life. Try to see that Jesus is allowing you to share his cross in a profound way.

Your life certainly isn't over. And it hasn't been wasted.

You have been loyal to your parents. You have stood by them in their time of difficulty. You have honored the Fourth Commandment. In a word, you have loved in the deepest sense.

My guess is that God is giving you the grace to become a saint.

"If you knew the gift of God" (John 4:10).

Kindest Regards,

Father Patrick Hennessy

She wipes away a tear or two and gently places the letter back in its envelope and stashes it within her bag. She will live her life on her own terms now and remember the happy times. It’s a new beginning for her.

#{ about Colleen }#{ Colleen & Percy }#{ Tiny Dancer / 70's verse }

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kulifefall2019 · 4 years

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Maintaining a Healthy Lifestyle at KU

Prologue

Matthew Zimisky is a student here at KU who takes his personal health very seriously. He is a sophomore transfer from Monmouth University. I have personally seen him take his health seriously here at KU from going to the gym with him to going to the dining hall with him l. At the gym he has specific workouts for certain days to make sure he targets all areas of his body. In the dining hall he always makes sure to get vegetables, fruits, proteins, water, and stays away from desserts. He even has told me he leans towards vegan options as well because they are healthier. He has lost weight and gained more muscle since being here at KU and it shows. Along with physical health he also takes his mental health seriously. He does this by staying organized in his dorm room and on top of his school work.

When students come to Kutztown, the focus is often on meeting new people, surviving classes and overall learning how to navigate through college as a whole. Mental, physical, and emotional health don’t seem to be the main priority at first; however, once students get acclimated they begin to notice the decline in their personal health. In this Episode of This KU Life we discuss the overall theme of Maintaining a Healthy Lifestyle here at KU. In Act 1, “Staying Fit at KU” the underlying issue of whether or not students are staying fit by being active and going to the gym will be discussed. We will hear insight from KU students who go to the gym everyday compared to those who don't. In Act 2, “How to Eat Better at KU” will discuss the epidemic of The Freshman 15 and unhealthy eating habits. In this act we will hear from current KU students who have experienced weight gain compared to those who have actually lost weight. Lastly, in Act 3, “How to Stay Organized at KU,”organization and how it correlates to improving your mental and emotional health will be discussed. In this act you will hear from upperclassmen at Ku along with professors on how organization in college is very important.

Act 1: Staying Fit at KU

By Jessika Klo

The amount of times a day I have told myself I was going to go to the gym but never did is a lot. Then, next came the excuse of, “Oh, I’ll just go tomorrow!” Then tomorrow comes and I don’t go either and so the vicious cycle begins. The inner battle to go to the gym is ongoing. In my head I’m saying, “I will go to the gym!” However, the laziness takes over and my actions do not match my words. This battle has become harder to overcome for many college students due to the fact that they may want to go to the gym; however, they just have so much work to do and can’t get around to working out.

I have first hand experience on this issue since there has been plenty of times I have been that person to say, “I’ll go to the gym today!” For some reason the minute I hit my bed after class I become lethargic and refuse to get up. I have even made my roommate (who goes to the gym often) remind me to go as well. She would say, “Are you going to the gym tonight with me?” And there I was my pathetic self making a dumb excuse to not go. Now some KU students are not like me and really do take pride in going to the gym and have mastered the art of going everyday. Zack Keifert (a sophomore community college transfer) student here at KU used to not go to the gym everyday due to the adjustment of the amount of work. He couldn’t get around to going to the gym; however, he says, “Overtime you learn how to fit it into your routine and now I go everyday because my personal health is important to me.” Most students depending on their major have a lot of work and can’t get around to going to the gym at first but once you adjust to the college lifestyle and the workload getting to the gym is doable.

Another KU student, freshman Jakub Szemiako, started going to the gym immediately once he got to KU. Since he played football and highschool and constantly had practice or workouts for football, going to the gym wasn’t as concerning to him. However, once he got to KU and wasn’t playing a sport he took his personal health a little more seriously by going to the gym everyday to “stay fit.” He says, “ Going to the gym everyday is a personal battle between my mind and my body.” Recently Jakub has joined the lacrosse team here at KU and they do workouts. He says, “Joining a sport has made me more disciplined with my fitness.” This shows that if students are concerned about being active and staying fit joining a sport or even inurmerial sports can help them stay active.

Matthew Ziminsky (a sophomore transfer from Monmouth University) a current KU student has been on the baseball team since he got here and workouts with the team, but also goes to the gym a lot in his free time. He describes his personal health as extremely important to him and has in fact lost weight and became more fit while at KU. He says, “Going to the gym everyday makes me feel better physically and mentally. As well as playing a sport and having built in times for me to workout is even better!” The main theme we can see through each interviewee is that it is possible to stay fit at KU with the many resources provided such as the gym and being able to join a sport. The battle of whether or not to work out and go to the gym is a tough struggle I have seen my friends contemplate on as well as myself. College students everywhere face this issue; many students just choose to procrastinate and be lazy instead of being active and go to the gym. If personal health is towards the top of the list of priorities, students are more likely to take their health more seriously than others who do not.

Act 2: Food Options at KU

By Mikal Dover

Before students begin their academic career at the university of their choice, they will typically hear warnings about the infamous “freshman 15”. Parents, friends, and the media express the idea that many first year students will gain fifth-teen pounds during their first year. However, research has proved that this number has been slightly exaggerated. While freshmen may not gain the entire advertised fifth-teen pounds, research has proved that weight gain is still common during a freshman’s first year in college.

I personally believe that Kutztown may be one of the hardest colleges in the country to avoid weight gain at. At Kutztown University, all freshmen are required to have an unlimited meal plan. This comes in conjunction with 24 hour - buffet style dining at South Dining Hall and Cub Cafe. As a result there are over a thousand young adults who are on their own for the first time of their lives, and have access to endless food. This is a literal recipe for disaster. I have watched my peers overindulge themselves at the dining halls, and I did it myself during my first week at school.

I have had an interesting experience with the dining at Kutztown University. I had the opportunity to participate in an overnight shadowing program called the MORE program before officially deciding to attend Kutztown. This allowed me to get an early glimpse of what the food was like. I saw the great variety of options and it made me excited. Initially, when I stepped into the dining halls, I would rush straight for the cheesesteaks, burgers, and fries. It certainly was delectable, but I quickly realized the effects that it was having on me. I began to feel sluggish. During my time at high school I was always apart of athletic teams. I noticed that once I got into college, I was intaking a lot more calories that I previously was, but no longer had a way to burn off these calories. As a result, I started eating healthier after my third week.

While the unhealthy options certainly outweigh the healthier choices on campus, there are still a lot of good options to choose from. For example, the salad bar is always full of crisp produce, and a student can easily order a fresh wrap or sandwich from cub cafe. The downsides are that both of these options are closed after 8pm, and depending on the time of day, a person may have to wait in a long line for these healthy options. From 8pm to 12pm the “healthiest” options are a salad or naan from the south dining hall. To get the most of the healthy options provided at Kutztown, it’s better to eat dinner earlier, which also helps with weight loss.

As a freshman at Kutztown, weight gain is certainly common, but not unavoidable. It’s not hard to stay healthy If a student monitors their diet and stays active.

Act 3: Keeping your Life Organized at KU

By Gabbie Quigg

When I was living at home, my room was always a mess, there were always clothes all over the floor. When I came to college everything changed, I thought staying organized was going to be hard but I managed to keep up with it.I was worried that my dorm would be just as dirty as my room at home. On top of learning how to keep my dorm room clean I had to learn how to navigate new websites, know when in class homework and online homework was due and be prepared for exams. I was very worried that I wouldn't be able to manage it. After my first few weeks I slowly got the hang of things. I learned how to navigate the different online sources for class and managed to keep my dorm room clean. Keeping your dorm room clean might seem like a lot of work but it's actually easier than letting it be dirty. I found that cleaning my dishes after using them, making my bed everyday and putting things away after I use them has allowed me to stay organized. Keeping my dorm room clean is really important to me because it helps my life for more organized.

Having a clean environment to live in helps me be more productive in my school work and just in general. Instead of spending time cleaning up the room I have time to get all of my work done and stay on top of everything. I find that when my room does become a little messy I become stressed out and more irritable than usual. I get really annoyed and frustrated when doing my homework when it’s a lot or hard to understand and I found that a healthy environment creates a healthier atmosphere. I use a planner to keep all of the assignments in order that way I always know when things are due. Another thing I do to stay organized is I make sure to get a different colored folder for each class. I think having separate folders helps keep all of my work organized in my backpack. It wasn’t too hard for me to pick up all of these organization skills, anyone can do it. It’s important to remember that a healthy environment will help boost confidence, productivity and a good mood.

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of-another-broken-heart · 7 years

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That was so fucking awful...

And I get to do it every week for the rest of forever. Great.

My Nana is diabetic and has heart disease. There might be some other conditions she’s got that I have not been made privy to - but those two, I know for sure. She is on a full page of medication. This is not an exaggeration. She has a complete lined paper filled, top to bottom, with her daily medication regimen.

It would be a lot even for a fully able-bodied, neurotypical, mentally healthy person to manage. My Nana is not able-bodied, nor is her mental health or memory as great as it used to be. She used to be able to manage, though. Before her memory started getting a big sloppy.

Now Pop-Pop is trying to shoulder all responsibility, while also blaming Nana for the medications she’s on, and being impossibly stubborn about any suggestions on how to better help or manage the situation.

My one aunt is the only one who actually understands the full scope of what each medication does, what dosage Nana is supposed to take, and how often. There are a few (like Nana’s insulin) that are supposed to have fluctuating dosages based on Nana’s current blood sugar... except, Nana doesn’t always test her blood sugar. She just goes ahead and takes some mid-point standard insulin dosage, I guess. And she’s not supposed to do that. But she’s also lucky to remember to take it - and take it only once - with each meal.

Basically they’re both struggling to be independent despite really, really needing better communication and teamwork. Nana feels, very understandably, trapped and stripped of a lot of her own value. Even when she was in better shape, she was somewhat house-bound. She never had a license, definitely can’t ride a bike any more, and couldn’t go very far on foot. Now, she’s not mobile. She’s on oxygen, with a literal plastic leash tethering her to the house. She can’t even manage most household chores any more, because the heat or moisture will mess with her breathing - and that’s assuming she could move or stand long enough to do it in the first place.

So Pop-Pop is shouldering it all - which is honestly mostly reasonable. Nana took care of it all for over fifty fucking years by herself, PLUS raising four kids and running daycare from home while he was still working. They’re retired now, so it’s not like there’s some nine-to-five or house full of kids otherwise demanding his time on top of normal household routine chores. BUT he’s being such a whiny little shit about it - complaining about ~having~ to make the bed, ~having~ to do the laundry, ~having~ to vacuum, ~having~ to... cook! COOK!

Like... if you were single, you’re telling me you wouldn’t be doing any of that shit? You’d leave your bed a mess? You’d never wash your own damn clothes? You’d leave your floors full of tracked-in dirt, mud, hair, and whatever else?? You’d... never fucking feed yourself?? PLEASE!

The toxicity of 50′s straight marriage is definitely a big factor in the unhappiness - and mutual emotional abuse, honestly - in their marriage. I can chalk up around 99.9999999% of Pop-Pop’s indignation to the manufactured narrative that “the wife does this shit, the husband sits on his ass at home!” You can’t tell them that, of course. Even Nana will agree when Pop-Pop says, “Yeah, well, things were different back then!!” Yes, Pop-Pop, I know... segregation was still a thing. I’m well aware of how “different” things were.

All of that is a mess in its own right, right? Yeah. But is that all I get to deal with? LMAO OF COURSE NOT.

So, when I locked in that I’d be going over every Friday, we decided on what was going to be for dinner and a few tasks we’d be tackling. Or, that I’d be tacking to the best of my ability while trying to keep them both from doing it themselves. Lil sis originally was going to tag along, and mom joked about showing up for dinner (Pop-Pop said he was going to set a big pot roast up with a bunch of veggies). So there was some vague “maybe two more people will join us for dinner” anxiety that Pop-Pop was struggling with. And me, too, honestly.

So today, before I even managed to get out of bed, lil sis sent me a message (as I more or less expected) around 1 PM, saying she had homework to do instead of being able to tag along. Sure, okay. I didn’t fully believe that was the reason, but I wasn’t gonna stress myself over it. (She later hit mom up for money to go to the movies with her friends, so... yeah)

I asked my bro if he wanted to come along, because he’d felt bad about missing Pop-Pop’s birthday visit for a friend thing that ended up falling through. But he was resting from a headache and decline. Alright. Fine. Not a big deal.

I ended up getting there a bit late because 1: I slept like trash and didn’t get up in time to fully prepare myself, and 2: I blew six bucks at McD’s to get coffee and a quick lunch because... (see point 1 again).

As soon as I walked in, Nana was busy making an apple pie. Which she wasn’t supposed to make. Despite professing it was a treat for Pop-Pop, it doesn’t fool anyone that she’s just as invested in having pie for herself. And it’s not like it was a from-scratch pie that she could control the syrups or sugars in - she used canned pie filling.

She’s diabetic. She literally shouldn’t be having that crap because it can kill her.

But, circling back to her struggle to feel purpose, and her desire to make her husband happy (and also feel happy, herself) she likes baking. She likes baked treats. “I’m gonna die anyway, at least let me have good food!” she’s said on more than one occasion.

And I get it. The compromise ends up being small servings accompanied by some extra insulin.

But that doesn’t work any more, either, because her memory is slipping. She used to self-manage the insulin amounts. Now, she sometimes forgets, or takes the wrong dose. And because she’s used to being - and still trying to be - somewhat self-sufficient, she doesn’t communicate if/when she’s having trouble remembering things, or when she does remember and takes a dose.

THEN, because she’s on SO FUCKING MANY MEDICATIONS, the times she DOES communicate that she’s taken her medications... often causes Pop-Pop to fly off the handle, because he automatically jumps to the conclusion that she’s taken the wrong things at the wrong times and/or has screwed up her dosages.

They don’t quite shout at each other regularly - but sometimes they do. And what they’ve gotten in the habit of lately, is calling each other “stupid” or “idiot.” Or calling themselves (mostly Nana, in this case) those things. Because she knows her memory is slipping, and she hates it and can’t do anything about it, and feels awful and like even more of a burden because of it.

Right before I was fixing to set the table for dinner, they were spatting over the pie. Nana said something about “I tried to surprise you with a nice pie, and you don’t even appreciate that,” and Pop-Pop mis-heard “pie” as “party” and immediately jumped to the conclusion that “19 to 20 people” were going to be showing up. He huffed and puffed, and I thought he went to the bathroom - but it turned out he just fucking left. Left the house completely. Drove away.

I had been setting the table, so Nana and I waited after I got everything out. Nana gave a shout to ask if he was okay, and got no answer, so I investigated. The bathroom was open, but the bedroom door seemed to be mostly closed. I let Nana know and suggested he might be getting changed? So we waited a bit more. And waited. Nana wondered if he’d gone to bed instead. I went to knock on the door and find out. No answer from the knock. The lights were out, so it was possible that he was in bed. But nope. The room was empty. Walking back to the dining table, I looked out front and finally realized Pop-Pop’s car was missing.

So just Nana and I had dinner together. It was delicious, but hard to really enjoy, given the circumstances. Pop-Pop called in the middle of it, to check if Nana had taken her mealtime meds, to remind her that “You realize you chased me away, right?” and “Tell Kristin I’m not mad at her.” He said he’d be home around ten or something.

I wanted to cry.

Actually, that’s putting it lightly. I’d already been there for three hours and I was screaming on the inside. Desperate to leave, but unable to abandon them after I promised to help, and especially unwilling to leave Nana alone, when she’s stuck there by herself so much already.

He came back around 8, when Nana and I were just about done with the evening’s dishes. He repeated that he wasn’t angry with me, then said some more nasty shit to Nana. At that point she took herself to bed - the only escape she really has, to be honest - and I stayed a small while longer with Pop-Pop so he could have some vent/social time, too.

Mostly it was all the shit I already knew - just phrased differently. Nana’s medications were overwhelming to manage - but he phrased it like it was her fault for needing it all, her fault for getting old with him. Everything was ~his~ responsibility - except it’s not, it just seems that way because he’s too stubborn to accept any significant help, and too scared that he’ll be left in the dark about important things if/when he IS the only one around to help.

I get it.

I have no idea what will actually help them, because I sure the fuck don’t have the ability to implement the only real solutions I can come up with myself. And so much of the stress and drama and strife is basic fucking communication that they’re both screwing up on.

I don’t know how I’m not bawling my ass off from the anxiety this whole deal caused me, personally. Probably full of too much anger to let it out. Too guilty to let it be about me for even a second.

I’ll break down later, probably.

And do it all again next week.

#personal #journal #family fridays

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meditationadvise · 7 years

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How Astrology Empowered Me To Break Up With A Narcissist

I sat dewy-eyed paying attention to my specialist Benita's retelling of the goddess Sedna's legend. It was both horrendous and empowering. Ultimately, she claimed, "In your chart, Sedna stands for where you see yourself as a victim. And also when you conquer that, you end up being past effective.'

I made a psychological note to investigate my natal chart.

At the same time, I was gobsmacked that my specialist was speaking in terms of astrology to me.

You see, it's always been a language I have actually lined up with. Albeit covered precariously in secret and also shame.

Raised in a Catholic family and also later on tackling the identification of 'psycho therapist' made me skeptical of my alternative personality, regardless of how inexplicably alluring I discovered astrology.

Loading my natal graph, I gulped. Sedna in the Seventh Residence: Your home of individual connections.

I lastly break without my deception. "P, he's been abusing you,' I informed myself. 'You have actually started to see on your own as a sufferer."

It was time to take my power back.

Unexpectedly, involving myself shame-free in astrology instructed me to enjoy myself. With that, I redeemed my power, making the choice that transformed my health, recovery and also job. I left my abuser and never recalled.

Today, I tell my story so you can find out the best ways to harness astrology to get to the epiphanies that can bring closure as well as conquer your existing challenges.

Where does your Sedna lie?

Benita says, "Right here is a female entrapped, beguiled and preyed on all her life, pull down by everyone. It is only at her transformation that we witness her true power-- siren power, when she finally allows go. Sedna instructs us that suffering is a selection".

Seeing Sedna in my House of Relationships drank me awake. I 'd unwittingly put myself in a placement to be abused. That would never ever have actually occurred had I not seen myself as a victim.

So, I threw myself right into a deep recovery journey, looking for the reasons my life had become just what it was. Our earliest experiences form the blueprints in our minds that lead us to repeat these experiences. Deep down our company believe that's what we deserve-- even if the rational mind understands better.

Sedna educated me to connect to my good friends once again, construct my company, and also grow my network. Little did I know that this was preparing me for my next action.

Where does Sedna reside in your chart? She'll inform you where to take your power back.

What is your Lilith telling you?

Six months later, I explored my natal Lilith.

I've constantly been attracted to the tale of Lilith, the siren who rejected to lie under Adam. If you're from an Abrahamic confidence, Lilith might sound terrifying to you. But actually, her archetype was bastardized as a diabolical vampire.

I gained from my favored astrologist, Mystic Medusa, that "Lilith materializes as an Amazonian power of glam, made up durability ... yet repress the energy and she can be your personal problem of rage and self-destruction.' Basically, 'Lilith is where you don't tow the line, where you were not sustained-- also deserted or abused-- and also where you've needed to compose the guidelines for on your own as you go along.'

My Lilith in Eighth Residence instructed me that I didn't have to be ashamed of my sexuality. Whenever I really did not put on awful clothing, my ex-partner would certainly embarassment me for alluring guys. My body felt polluted. It was time for me to recover it, so I started using outfits and red lipstick again.

Then my Lilith in Gemini showed me that I can be happy of my intelligence and also point of views once more. My ex-spouse would continually tell me that my achievements meant nothing, censoring my opinions, and answering for me whenever any person asked me about my career. Rather, I began to write for numerous publications, discovering to be comfy expressing my opinions. After that I told my story. I discovered that vulnerability is my resource of stamina as well as self-love.

Everyday when I get up to e-mails from ladies that tell me they have actually read my short articles and determined to kick their abuser out of their lives or begun to heal from panic attacks, I couldn't be much more grateful.

Do you have a Retrograde chart?

I 'd tried to leave my ex lover numerous times for many years, fed up with his possessiveness and fear. He pulled me back with a combination of playing the target: "I'm so old currently, I'm a failing in relationships, I'll become a monk,' persecutor: "You're so un-compassionate, doctor. Is this exactly how you treat your individuals?' and also rescuer: "You're too old to begin a new connection, you're previous your prime. I'm your hero.'

As time passed, the last one afraid me.

Every time I considered my body, I was advised that I had not been the lithe young woman I used to be. My neck was infested with cystic acne. I looked tired. I was copulating my ownerships concealed every night, never recognizing when I would certainly remain in threat. Of training course my body wasn't delighted.

Then there was the embarassment. Exactly how would I explain points to my friends as well as parents? How would people see me?

But I also understood that, at 29, my life was ripe for the picking. I had achieved a lot that I took pride in. And I had people in my life who enjoyed and supported me.

What ultimately made the difference was the discovery of my backward chart. At our time and also place of birth, some earths may be relocating in reverse, as denoted by the little 'R' beside their icon in our graphes. This suggests that we take in the lessons of that planet inwards, so we have a harder time. Having Pluto (transformation, power) in backward means that I resist the many makeovers in my life. As well as subsequently, they will certainly maintain occurring and testing me, up until I discover how to collaborate with them.

Astrologer Martin Schulman states that if you have even more compared to 3 retrograde earths in your natal chart, after that you're a late bloomer and your life starts after 30. I have five retrograde worlds. So I took that as a final indication from my graph to walk away from an abusive relationship.

Where is Pluto in transit?

" Beloved, Pluto is transiting via your IC. He's been there for ages' Benita informed me carefully, weeks prior to I finished my relationship.

Besides informing you where the sunlight, moon, and also worlds are when you were birthed, your chart likewise informs you exactly how these beautiful bodies are presently activating your natal energies as they take a trip with the skies. Mystic Medusa states that these transits "motivate new dimensions of life or enhance what is already strong within.

Pluto-- the mythological god of the abyss-- takes 248 years to transportation an entire chart, indicating that there are components of our chart that it will certainly never pass with via our lifetime.

Mystic Medusa explains the Pluto-IC transportation as a "super-strong, unbelievable transportation that influences a deep wish to live more authentically. Individuals could materialize one of the most incredible power to manage legacy family members problems and/or score a home that is absolutely them.' Benita says that individuals can end up being homeless or shed their jobs and also connections during this change. Indeed, I virtually became homeless, yet that's a tale for an additional day.

I realized that Pluto was also traversing my Capricorn (structures and also systems), and also Mars (determination and also assertion), suggesting I was having a three-way hit at the exact same time. So I made a decision to collaborate with Pluto-- purging every single framework, partnership and belief that was no more serving me. For beginners, I left my ex lover. Forever.

Of course, I really felt a feeling of loss. Our minds are hardwired to avoid loss, so day-to-day I 'd apply and also diffuse Doterra's CONSOLE essential oil mix. It consists of rose to invoke unconditional love, ylang ylang, which connects us to our heart for healing, as well as incense, which rejoins us with our true selves. Remarkably, these oils are additionally auspicious for dealing with the planet Pluto.

Astrology is more than just our sun indication-- the things we inspect in magazines as well as papers. The way the worlds, homes and indications engage comprises an intricate network of insights to ourselves. Self-awareness is the structure of development. Simply as in therapy or mentoring, we frequently reveal the origin of something as well as discover ourselves in a new means, astrology is one more effective device.

As Mystic Medusa claims, "Our birth chart is a convenient means to focus on toughness and weaknesses, patterns that stream truly well for you and also those that need even more job to function efficiently.' It illuminates several of our obstacles, which could be brightened into our most significant sources of stamina.

Today, my life could not be a lot more different.I not have panic attacks. I live in an area of elegance, and just have individuals in my life who enjoy and support me. My career is growing, as well as I deal with customers passionate concerning changing their lives. My body has never looked better. Most significantly, the embarassment is gone.

I know since I am not my tale, however instead the evolution of my experiences.

Astrology educated me that it's risk-free for me to own who I am-- to talk concerning astrology, self-love and also plant medication openly in my job-- the pieces of myself I 'd been declining all my life.

#healing #meditating

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theliterateape · 4 years

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On Birthday 41 and the Things I’ve Learned

By David Himmel

Chicago, May 26, 2020, 3:26 a.m.

One of my favorite birthdays was my Jesus Birthday, the year I turned thirty-three. I’m not talking about the entire year, although, it was a great one with some pretty big moments, most impactfully, meeting my wife and harnessing my messianic powers—granted to all who turn thirty-three for the entirety of that year. (In 2012, there wasn’t a cave anywhere in the world that could hold me.) I’m talking about the actual day, May 26, 2012. I don’t remember the whole day, but I remember what must be the most important part.

I woke up early. Pre-dawn. I sat down at the keyboard in the office of the apartment I shared with no one else and I wrote for a few hours. On that day, the song “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen was spraying glittery rainbows all over the airwaves, and stomping through YouTube with its almost endless parodies, amateur dance party videos, and covers. I had just downloaded the tune and that early birthday morning, I listened to “Call Me Maybe” on repeat for four hours straight. That means I listened to that song nearly seventy-three times in a row. By the time the sun was up, I still wasn’t tired of it.

Here’s why that birthday was so great: It was near perfect. I was productive on the keyboard, I was up early, and I was listening to the most incredible sugary earworm I have probably ever heard. But I had long known that those three things make me a happy boy. And that’s why I find myself doing something similar today. Eight years later.

Some things don’t change. We are creatures of habit. But we’re also creatures of evolution, and while basking in the happiness that familiarity brings, we also find ourselves on our birthdays with a heart and a brain full of things learned. So, taking my inspiration from a Don Hall tradition of recounting those things leaned in the past year, here’s the short list of what my forty-first trip around the Sun has revealed to me.

Forty wasn’t scary, but inching past it is We make a big deal of turning forty. It’s over the hill. It’s when our bodies start to lean into their decline. Turning forty didn’t scare me. Just a few weeks shy of my thirty-fifth birthday, I underwent surgery on my face to remove skin cancer. I was dating the woman who would become my wife then. We rented a small Wisconsin lake house for the birthday weekend and on the morning of May 26, I woke up early—as I’m wont to do—and stared long and hard at my freshly scarred face in the mirror. I came to terms with my age and mortality there. I think most people have that quiet conversation with themselves at forty. For me, turning forty was a breeze. It was only slightly more remarkable than any other birthday. But as I crept closer to forty-one this year, I learned that aging past forty is scary.

And now I’m here. And I feel fine. But, inching past forty is, from my perspective, means no longer heading toward opportunity, but to memory. There’s a pretty good chance that the majority of my dangerous, envelope pushing, law bending adventures are behind me. I’m no longer a full tank of gas with the open road laid out before me. I’ve got half a tank and pretty soon, I’ll need to start looking for a place to pull off and ditch this old hunk junk. But I still have a lot of places to go, things to see, stuff to do before that needle hits E and my maker calls me into his office.

I’m more afraid than I used to be I’m afraid of good health failing. Not just mine, but that of my wife, my son, my dog, my parents, my in-laws, my brothers and their wives, my friends… None of this health fear is related to COVID-19. That, while a major concern, is the least of them. This is the worry of a man who appreciates all that is good.

I’m afraid of being mediocre. Of being unimpactful and ineffective. Have I impressed all I will impress? Have I done my best work? Am I out of ideas and the energy to come up with new ones? Do I still have time to impress myself? This has always been a concern, but I’ve never been afraid of it becoming a reality. Until now.

I’m afraid of being depressed. Not because I’m afraid of being sad. We all know depression is more than sadness. I’m afraid that the brain numbing and lethargy that comes with depression will become unshakable. Sadness passes, lethargy is a big, fat, couch-hogging motherfucker that can be almost impossible to get out of the house. It always claims squatter’s rights, and over forty, I’m at risk of pulling or breaking something by trying to push it out.

I am not as strong as I thought I was I don’t know if this has as much to do with age as it does with cockiness. I thought I could hop up after twentysomething years of not running long distance and—boom—run a marathon. It wasn’t easy, which I didn’t think it would be, but I also didn’t think that my body would be so ill prepared that I’d end up breaking my leg just two weeks before Race Day. Do I need to take it easy? No. I need to take training seriously and never forget that practice is incremental and paramount.

Quiet solitude is a need to have, not a nice to have No TV. No scrolling through the phone. Not even any music. That includes Carly Rae. I need to take time to be quiet, calm, still. What is that Thompson wrote in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: “Be quiet, be calm, say nothing…” Yeah, he was talking himself out of having a psychedelic meltdown, but the advice is good for those of us whose brains are easily overwhelmed with the everyday. For those of us whose ideas bound about like bunny rabbits on cocaine searching for a spilled can of Red Bull to lap up.

When I was younger, before I had cable TV and a phone with Facebook, the internet, and solitaire, I could easily sit down with myself, sometimes with a pen and notebook, and just be. Think. Tune out the world and let my mind go wherever. It’s a form of meditation. I learned the importance of seizing quiet solitude way back in my late teens, but this year has shown me how absolutely imperative it is.

Speaking of…

I really miss being a kid Or really, I miss being around me as a kid. This has been a theme for a little over a year. It’s been discussed at length on The Literate ApeCast and I’ve been working on a book dealing with time and nostalgia. But it’s more than just nostalgia for me. Watching my son grow, it’s hard not to think about what things were like for me and my wife at that age. How can we be great parents based on what we learn from history? We talk to our parents about it a lot. At least, I do.

In many ways, we miss out on our own lives because we’re only getting one half of that experience. So, I don’t want to be a kid again as much as I want to spend time with myself as a kid. Ages twenty-one on down to one. I want to know what I was like back then, what it was like to know me. If I could do that, I don’t think I’d be so scared, as mentioned above, because I’d have a clearer picture of things. And it’s always better to venture ahead when you know where you came from.

But since this is an impossible feat, I’ll have to make a point to go back and read all my old writings. I’ve been teased for my record keeping, but it just might save my forties.

I can live in filth The best part about living alone is that every mess is yours. The only person who can dirty up the kitchen you just cleaned is you. The only shoes you have to pick up are yours. The only ass you have to wipe is yours. Since moving in with Katie, and the dog, and having the kid, my worst fear have come to light: my home is in a constant state of dusty disarray. I tried to keep up, even stay ahead of the untidiness, but, I gave in. I no longer do a deep clean of every room and surface weekly. The only object with more dust on it than the TV stand is the vacuum. Does it bother me? Of course. Should I make better attempts to stay on top of things? Yes. Should I hate myself and be angry at the wife, dog, and kid when I don’t scrub and organize on a weekly basis? No. Because I’ll be fine. I’ll live. Not as well as I’d like to, but I’ll live. And if skipping the deep clean means I can spend more time playing with my son and that the dog doesn’t lose her goddamn mind barking at the vacuum, then that’s just fine. For now.

If I had been born a girl, my parents would have named me Katherine Funny because that’s my wife’s name. My mom told me this just a few days ago. It warmed my heart when she said, “But, in a way, we got a Katherine after all.”

I can grow a beard Thank God for this quarantine. I never would have let the thing go without the safety of Zoom and FaceTime calls. They allowed me to grow through the patchy and settle on whatever this is. It’s not the best beard, but I’ve seen worse. It took a good two and a half months to get to the point where I could start saying, “I have a beard.” If I were a Guess Who character, and the question was, “Does your person have a beard?” one would be required to answer, “Yes.” There’s no denying it. I really never thought I could, and I probably wouldn’t have ever attempted. But these computer cameras seem to make all of our physical imperfections disappear. Not sure how long I’ll keep it. Not sure I don’t look like a 1980s action movie uncredited terrorist. Not sure I don’t look extra Jewish now. No matter. These are unprecedented times and this is an unprecedented beard.

The past year has had its hardships and its big wins. I won’t complain. The year was full of life, which is all I’ve ever wanted out of my years.

#Birthday #birthday wisdom #Happy Birthday to You #birthdays #May 26 Birthdays #Call Me Maybe #Carly Rae Jepsen #Skin cancer #Basal Cell Carcinoma #Nostalgia

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