#I hate myself so much rn why do I do this

[sensitivegoblin]

...I went onto tiktok and triggered myself with Hazbin hotel stuff and not I'm stuck on the verge of tears

#I really don't wanna cry alone #but not crying is literally why I have such bad chronic pain #teetering on; the SA never happened and I jumped the gun or something DID happen and I need to know N O W #I'm scared that I let tiktok convince me I was abused #but at the same time my feelings are real and predate tiktok #what the fuck is wrong with me #I wish I could fix myself into a good person :( #God I really need a genuine hug #I hate having to ask for hugs or hugging the person first it never feels the same #I shouldn't relate to Angel Dust my life is so fucking cushy.....and yet #my dad will be mad if I cut myself but I'm spiraling #I wish I could remember if anything bad happened to me or I wish something bad would happen to me now #I don't wanna be a bad person please I don't wanna go to hell :( #being a genderqueer hypersexual Christain SUCKS :((((((( #I hate myself so much rn why do I do this

[why-the-heck-not]

the pure embarrassment of sending a ”oops I fucked up & will send this assignment a couple days too late sorry abt that”-email :’) noooooo

#I guess it’s better than to just send it late with no warning #I hope I gave myself enough time bc istg if I’m gonna have to send ANOTHER one of these I’m just going to change my name & move I think #this is a personal reminder to myself that sometime procrastination has consequences even tho im good at getting away with it usually #istg my thesis advisor hates me at this point I’ve returned basically everything a bit late #idk what has happened to my time management skills like why do they suck so bad rn #very much in a ’’just gotta get through this week’’ mindet and it’s only monday #march 2024 #2024

[derpinette]

SPERG YOUR HEART OUT

#EVERYONE #NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #& FOREVER #i love it when my friends &/or mutuals post about their interest & Passions i will like your posts but really i Loved them. #i deleted some tags because they might be interpreted as weird(er than usual) but 0_0 i am ♯Passionate about ♯Passion (for fashion - Bratz) #still kind of feel like a worthless human being but i secured another hangout in like a week so yayyy ^_^ #I GET TO BOTHER SOMEONE TOO NOW i just wish people did that to me too why am i like always the one raving #literally have to beg my friend to give me updates on her things even if i normally hate it even i go out of my way to look for things #for us to discuss -_- GIRL please i am for real not just faking for politeness who do you think i am I WANT TO KNOW #so effin excited OMG i have like so much to say & the greatest thing is that this girl has no knowledge at all about my Thing #so i can explain from the very beginning You literally have no idea how much i practiced the conversation in my head #ever since she told me & she said she wanted me to go on & talk about it more i have been Devising My Plan #OMG YAYYYY ^_^_^_^_^_^ AIMU SO HEPI AAARRRGHHHHHGSJDJSHSJDHSHSG #& OFC i had to plug it in the first time i met her in person i just could not help myself there was an NF on that day & i told her i wanted #to catch it i had to go in the end for a different reason & BTW it was such a whiplash the show itself was so fun but the winner... 0_0 NO. #next i will ask her about berserk & maybe even read it so we can talk about it because she really likes it #i dropped it when i was 14 because the laptop i was using to read it was complete crap Just like mine is RN #like a section of my keyboard is completely dead T_T so i have to use the on-screen one...

[krash-and-co]

lockwood and co scooby doo crossover when (I am going to be the one to do it aren't I)

#drawing the Scooby gang doing the door thing rn actually #lockwood and fred would be friends I think #Lucy would hate Daphne so fucking much actually #holly and her would get along tho #George and Velma would be friends #and shaggy perhaps #maybe flo and shaggy would vibe #idk why tho I just feel like it #also plot twist Scooby can hear the skull #why? it would be so fucking funny #first there's a talking dog then it can hear the talking skull nobody else can #I think that would make the funniest conversation to walk into #'hey Lucy I made you t-' *holly sees a dog and skull seemingly having a conversation from the bottom of the oven* 'what the fuck' #lockwood and co #scooby doo #I'm not explaining myself to u

[skunkes]

experiencing a weird thing where im trying to go to sleep earlier (because im tired and sleepy) but i take so long to fall asleep its the exact same thing as just going to bed late...feel so hopeless and i always end up tired either way... im very big on "i can always try again tomorrow" mentality in any way it can be interpreted (interactions with others, mood, the amount of work i do etc) but its so hard to Try Again when you're always too tired to do anything...

#i rarely take naps...i tried to do so today and after the hour i gave myself to nap i still hadnt fully fallen asleep #im so sleepy and tired .... #even if i manage to get my personal required 9 hrs of sleep im tired.... #i dont get it...im so sleepy rn + am going to bed but i wont fall asleep until much later... #god. i also hate this bc you'd think being an unemployed homebody who cant leave his house wld mean Constant #Naps and Sleeping. i avg like 6 hrs a night i cant imagine how worse off ill be with a job #i just want to sleep...! #and feel well rested... #talkys #sorry im just very frustrated...i try to do things to better my life and health and it ends up Not Working #like whats even the point. can barely keep my eyes open but i wont fall asleep until 5 am. why not just #go to bed at 5 am then. ugh.

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

why is everything (showing other people respect. being patient and kind. not flying off the handle about stupid things. emotional regulation and self-control. et cetera.) so easy when I'm not around my parents and so so so so hard when I AM around them?

#this is a genuine question btw I need advice bc I'm STRUGGLING. idk why everything makes me frustrated and angry #when I'm around my parents and it's SO hard to be kind and respectful to them and my sister #but so easy literally everywhere else #I hate that I'm like this I wish I could genuinely be a nice person but apparently the person #I REALLY am is the horrible selfish lazy brat I am with my parents. #even though it feels 100% easier otherwise APPARENTLY the real me is the one I revert to at home #but being nice away from home comes so naturally?? so is THAT the real me??? idk what to do I'm so frustrated right now #Lu rambles #can my mutuals please weigh in bc I feel like a terrible horrible emotionally illiterate person rn #bc of a conversation in which I fought with my mom over the fact that I have a hard time respecting my middle school aged sister #bc I don't want her (bold. confident. sometimes a little bit of a brat as well bc humanity) thinking she can walk all over me #the way she acts always makes me feel like she thinks she's better than me but maybe it's just my mindset. bc I KNOW #that my middle schooler sister IS better than me in most ways and I HATE that. how can someone #so much younger than me be better than me at basically everything she sets her mind to? #and how can I ever have confidence in myself when I know that's the case??? it's so frustrating!! #ugghdnfnsngsmkgnskfnskd I need advice and prayers. and probably to go to bed early tonight.

[fuckdamn]

everytime i’m faced with wild overt misogyny that’s just platformed like it’s nothing i remind myself that people don’t actually have to feel this way about women. men are fully capable of treating women like human beings and viewing them as such. “but socialization but male fantasies but patriatchy speaks through us even when we don’t recognize it” sure but actually regardless there exist men who are fundamentally not raging misogynists and they generally seem happier and better adjusted. misogyny to me isn’t disappointing because “oh i can’t believe Men, as an essentialized category of person, are like this” it’s disappointing because people make the choice to be like this. “it’s my biological imperative as a man to dominate you” okay well it’s my biological imperative as a freaky bitch to dominate you so what now. what biological imperative is making you comment “onlyfans detected opinion rejected” on every picture of any attractive woman. i think i will always be understood by most people as a woman and i’m learning to accept that and trying to like it but misogyny makes me feel very trapped of course. but misogyny is a choice. which means some people make the choice to be misogynistic which is profoundly frustrating. but many other people choose not to be actively misogynistic and i believe anyone could choose not to be actively misogynistic if they wanted. so it’s a whole thing

#lotte.txt #womanhood is a fun thing to participate in with women who do not hate women. otherwise it’s very stifling and starts to not be worth it 4 me #for other girls — cis and trans btw — i think relishing in womanhood still feels worth it even when it’s very difficult and i admire that #but apart from my fashion sense and bloodlust i feel very detached from womanhood as like this primal animate Essence #but i don’t really want to be a man either. i like being a Weird Girl i like being a Hot Weird Girl #i’m more of a Hot Weird Girl than a Hot Weird Boy and i’ve discovered that through trial and error #and calling myself nonbinary/fluid accurately describes my experience in a lot of ways. but i also sometimes feel like the label doesn’t.. #serve me? if that makes sense #like i got really into kibbe in 2020 and it was like oh shit i’m a soft dramatic. how cool that there’s something that describes my body #but after a while i got exhausted with kibbe because yeah. by the logic of the system of course i’m a soft dramatic #and i operate with that knowledge in the back of my mind. but also so what. i am aware of the shape of my body now #and now i feel the label has very little left to offer me #like if you’re asking? sure i’m a kibbe soft dramatic. but i don’t hold kibbe’s system as law or view it as crucially important #that is very much how i feel rn about calling myself nonbinary #like if you want me to think about it? yeah i don’t strictly conform to the gender binary #but i don’t believe gender itself is useful for my growth - i don’t hold the institution of the gender binary sacred - why bother #why draw attention to where i exist within the system when i’m tired of defining myself in terms of the system at all. yk #aUghj. anyway

[kimmkitsuragi]

whew haha

#🗒 #my mom is like 'ok it's set let's tell everyone' and im like 😭😭😭😭 !!!!! #are u sure!!!! are u sure it's set like ???? 😭😭😭 #ughhhhhh after this much trust i will literally kill myself if i dont get ANY scholarship lmaooooo #but also like. is it set now!!!! really !!!!!!! is it !!!!! #(excited but horrified and anxious) #like. like like like........ like i mean #um........ for real now? like are we sure for sure ?? #i honestly will be like 100% on my way to [redacted] and still be like haha. is it for real #are we sure . will this actually happen #that's. crazy man #i cant help but feel like im asking for too much again. ughhhhhhh #yes hello hi. this blog has been my main outlet for emotional breakdowns about the same subject for um #(checks notes) a few months now. truly is anyone else bored of this ? because im so over it #but also like. things just dont get clear !!!!!! ever !!!!! #how can i be sure how can anyone be sure that i will actually be going lmfaooooo #i hate this waiting period i hate it why cant i know if i got anything or nah. but please don't say nah #ughhhhhh . alright. whatever it's not like i care that much honestly -_- #(threatens to kill self every day a few times over this btw) #anyway um let's. be positive #it will go great tomorrow 🤩 they will want to give me money sooooo bad 😍 #and i will receive an email this week 🤗 about the wait list thing for SURE 🥳 #i am doing amazing dont worry guys. im sooooo chill rn #Sorry for the constant embarrassing personal posts lol

[strwbrymlkshake]

It's difficult dealing with so many people who think we aren't meant to be with eachother. I don't get why someone else's relationship can mean so much to bystanders. Can't you find something else to do?

#mine #yandere #yancore #irl yandere #yanderecore #yandere vent #yanposting #i just. self confidence can only get you so far. surrounded by people who are saying awful things wears me down so much #i hate them so much and i wish they never existed. its making me stronger supposedly but the only thing i feel like its actually doing is #making me violent and miserable and angry and nauseous. please stop saying those things about him #i try to block it out but its literally everywhere. this is all i have. this is ALL I HAVE. BUT IT DOESNT MATTER HUH #and it feels like theyre all against me. and the only thing i can do is cry and hate them more and more #and the only thing i can do is love him the most. but only by myself. because no one can comprehend the lengths i would go #and no one takes it seriously and appreciates that its the only thing keeping me sane and the only reason why im here rn #but then again. they dont matter do they? #i just need to permanently kill that part of me that cares what they think. because nothing else and no one else matters!! ok??

[toastsnaffler]

sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(

#and boy do I run out of things to say so fast when I'm talking to friends who ik dont give a fuck abt any of my interests... #theres only so much i can make small talk or ask them questions abt their own interests/lives yknow. man #it just makes me feel like im constantly competing with smth else for other ppls attention all the time + constantly losing #eg. when i say smth + my flatmate reaches for her headphones a little dark souls banner appears across my vision like INTERACTION FAILED #and i can feel my rsd + insecurities praying on it like the more i feel this way the more it prophetically fulfils itself #by making me less willing to try and take up space so i become a smaller and smaller person around others #it frustrates me a lot sometimes and i dont rly have the will rn to undo that and force myself to take up more space regardless #ik this sounds like a water is wet complaint like oh nooo woe is me people get bored of me when i talk abt boring things (!!) #but when im spending time w ppl i like i enjoy listening to them talk even if im not interested in the subject bc its Them talking #and if they care abt smth then its worth hearing abt!! to me anyway. but it rly feels like no one reciprocates that idk #oh well not that it matters. at least i like the shit im into so i can talk to myself abt it in my head or on this site lmao #and i like myself as a person even if other people dont so theres always that. ur no 1 should always be urself <3 #voicing this makes me feel so stupid + embarrassed urgh. i hate being anxious abt dumb shit i hate being the sort of person who worries #that their friends privately dislike/just tolerate them or whatever bc id never want a friend to worry abt whether i thought that abt them #and im not naturally a very insecure person!! i think im just feeling particularly vulnerable atm bc of the season + jobhunting so long #+ the fact im dissatisfied with my current social life + still feel very wobbly from not having other ppl i can trust or rely on etcetcetc #and thats just bleeding into other areas. and it sucks a lot. but theres nothing to be done abt it rn bc im not going to communicate it #to other ppl bc im not pathetic enough to make my anxieties someone elses problem + beg for pity attention im too proud for that 👍 #anyway. gonna play some noita + then i rly need to work out today bc thats probs part of why im feeling so shite #if ur reading this ignore me im just venting itll pass. i hope youre having a nice day :^) #.vent #.diaries

[running-in-the-dark]

quietly freaking out right now :)

#why? who knows! #I don't know! #everything bad! #I've been doing stuff I like all day. everything's been fine. and now? oh the world is ending. apparently #feel like I should be sobbing rn #but whyyyy #maybe cause I'm bad and everything I do is bad and pointless #that's probably it #I keep starting new paintings but there always comes a point when it starts being bad. so I never finish any #after a while you just start asking yourself what the fuck is the point. I don't like this. no one else gets to see it because I #hate it/myself too much. so like what's the plan here. just have 100 unfinished paintings stored in our spare room? #it's fucking stupid #I'm wasting time and money and like. my whole life. doing stupid pointless crap that no one including me cares about so like. maybe just #stop it man. #personal

[chibishortdeath]

I would absolutely love it if I could look up one of the only things making life bearable rn without seeing either a constant stream of content about a show that makes me deeply uncomfortable or “actually your favorite character is boring as hell and does not work at all in anything and has no effect on the story at large and also doesn’t matter and sucks and he doesn’t do anything remarkable or have enough abilities to warrant any attention and literally you can skip those games tbh they don’t have a story anyway play this fan game that changes all of the dialogue instead because he is so lame and has no personality or plot significance whatsoever he could spontaneously not exist and nothing would really change even that show you don’t like that doesn’t really adapt anything from the games and changes everything about every character they decide to write about couldn’t make him interesting he is that much of a nothing nobody character because he has no modern triple A game level cutscenes he is basically whip man Mario he go kill Dracula so boring that’s it”

#castlevania #castlevania games #text post #simon belmont #vent post #I don’t even know if I should use the main tags but eh #anti netflixvania #cw netflixvania #just an ​implied mention of it but yeah #I’m genuinely depressed over this and it’s so stupid like it’s just a fucking game get over it stop being such a fucking child #I should delete Reddit cause it’s all just this all the time #I’ve seen this from both Netflix and game fans too #and yeah everything in that text wall are things I’ve seen people actually say #I hate being online rn #the only reason why I have been at all is because I go to this series for comfort #yay having a niche special interest within a niche special interest oh boy #I’ve been trying to come back to regular internet stuff on multiple platforms #but I just can’t do it #every time something happens and hits me back into artblock and low energy burnout hell again ugh #I haven’t been able to get myself to talk to people very much lately #partially from already not having much energy because of this #and partially cause I don’t know how to manage having like more than maybe two or three friends at a time #and I guess also cause I don’t really have anything good to say #it’s all just been bad news stress I can’t deal with and mild annoyances lately #which is pretty fucking insufferable of me isn’t it #not an excuse to just fucking abandon people god I’m such a bitch #the digestive issues aren’t helping either #and my fucking Xbox broke so I can’t even play curse of darkness about it #so I go online to calm down and immediately get blasted with everything I like being insulted all the time #I’m just so tired

[multifandomtower-old]

so I went off tumblr for a few days bc we went on a trip but anyways; here are some fakes I made during said trip

#i hate myself this looks mid af #pizza tower #fake peppino #peppino spaghetti #the noise #I MISSED SO MUCH POSTS THERES LIKE 42 OF THEM IN MY DASHBOARD RN SEND HELP #+ noise y u do dat? we will never know. /ref #+ sorry guys I messed up the mach 3 peppi :'( #+ MOST INCONVENIENT SIGNATURE PLACEMENT EVER #+ yes I had to draw pep and fakino's hp here idk why #should I stop tag rambling #amuela speaks

[burger-goblin]

.

#still unmedicated #my temper is very short #seen a lot of stuff today about the horrible terrible things happening all over the world #and had a genuine thought that stopped me in my tracks #'i'll just kill myself and start over' #like with all sincerity and not in an ironic way. i wanted to kms and not have to be a part of this world anymore #this awful cruel and unfair world that i hate so. so much #my 3 friends and tough boy and you all are the thread that's keeping me together rn fr #trying not to dig too deeply into why i want to kms while i'm unmedicated because it will do more harm than good #but man #idk. send me pics of your animals or something

[byanyan]

ugghhghghgh my want for more threads in byan's college & adult verses vs my fear of adding more threads to my drafts

#i might have to drop some stuff again i'm terrified to go in there lmao #i want new stuff but i feel so guiltyyyyyyyyy #askjfds i'm also just having a bad day so i think the overwhelm is hitting me harder rn #i hate that i always end up back here man lmao why can't i just not care and do whatever i wanna do #this is the other downside of me writing too much in my replies bc the length of them is half of what makes it so intimidating #when i fall behind again akjfsdkjfks #I AM THE PROBLEM IT'S ME I SABOTAGE MYSELF AKJFHSK #━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don't @ me.

[lilowoof]

I'm so fucking excited to get all this outstanding work done, and for tax season to fuck off. I cannot wait to have more time to play games with pals, go out with friends whom I haven't seen in a few months....go to some random meetups to meet new ppl and create new connections (and perhaps snag me a new person wink wonk LMAO).

And just...have more time to live. To stop feeling as lonely as I am feeling rn. CAUSE HOO BOY, it's been hitting me hard. And I can't do too much about it CAUSE of the deadlines I need to meet!

#I have learned my lesson: no more zines. or rather. no more modding zines #as much as I love you grizz zine. the amount of work you have placed on my shoulders is too much. heck. the other mods have it worse #I dont enjoy doing overtime and coming home to work on the art for the zine that I really should have had help with :') #27 spots...thats way too much for me at least. my hands are struggling and I am getting flare ups again. and I am not including the notes #I legit havent drawn anything for me in months because of this and I just wanna draw abby n pilos cuddling!!!!!! LMAO #and I so badly want to reach out to ppl to play games with and I cant cause Im either WORKING or WORKING #I really want to stream games again too.....I REALLY want to play 999 with someone :'))))))))))) would be a fun game to share...... #and the cube escape game too #AUGH I HATE BEING SO BUSY AND ALONE SOMETIMES LMAO. IDM being single but this is an instance where a partner would be nice to have to blab #but ye I am so excited for may. most things will be done and work will still be rough but more manageable! #so ye. IM so sorry if you read all this I just like talking. and I dont really have anyone to talk to rn except myself XD #(ye ye I could reach out to ppl but hm. well I am tbh LOL. but ya know. busy. haha) #also typing has been really painful lately. the only reason why these tags are ending is cause my hands are numb from typing. :'))))))))))) #ok goodnight