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creatingnikki · 3 years

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What 2020 has taught me

1. Those things that seem like content for sci fi or pure fiction are actually things that can happen. To the entire world. Like a pandemic. And to you. Like a seizure.

2. Everyone is sad. Everyone is struggling. In different ways and in different measures. Makes no one special. But you still get to feel sad for yourself and be compassionate towards others. But it's also okay to draw boundaries because you're everyone too. Remember, not special? You're sad and trying to deal with it too.

3. Every job you have will not add value to your life. It will not teach you new things or give you people you'll want to stay in touch with. Sometimes some jobs will only be a season of your life. Even if the season lasts for over a year. It's okay.

4. You know how you thought picking a college and picking a major and picking your first job and picking a specific industry were all the career decisions you had to make? Yeah, no. It's never a one time thing. You could have a job as a marketing strategist for two years and then want nothing to do with it. And then you'll have to make another decision and work towards it. So I'd like to call it moves. It's like chess. You always have to make a move. And it always has to be strategic, yes. But the truth is in your 20s it probably won't. Even if you try. And as long as you're trying, you'll be fine.

5. You may have different sorts of friends like the one you only talk to about kdrama with or the one you met when you went book shopping alone and the friendship is all about books really. That's normal. But irrespective of why and how you became friends with them, if you consider them a friend then there has to be this basic sense of care, respect and empathy for each other. I don't care what people want to say. If you're faced with the worst trauma of your life, the least your friends can do is check up on you regularly. On text. And if they don't even do that then guess what? They aren't friends. They are acquaintances. Social media and quick promises make everyone seem like your friend. But they are not. They are just nice people who will be nice to you for specific periods and then wander away like you are a speck of dust floating in their journey.

6. You speak a lot and write and you express yourself and you’re emotionally mature but oh my god. You still hold in so much. You’ve known that at a subconscious level and over the last year people - experts - have told you that. You have also realized that you make your pain and sadness about pettier things because dealing with them, admitting about them, sharing that with your friends, is easier. You do that so that you don’t have to deal with the real stuff. Because it’s so damn painful. And you don’t know how to do it. Yet. Acknowledging is the first step anyway right? I know you’re confused about how exactly to let go of all this pain and sadness and feel lighter, and you know that talking to people really isn’t the solution, but I also know you’re smart enough to figure it out.

7. Talking about being smart...you know you’re different than others. Better. Special. Smarter. None of these are the right words. And you never voiced this out until this year because you knew it would make you come across as narcissistic. Some would say it’s because you’re an INFJ. But my mother once said that this may be the first time we are consciously living life but our souls are old and so our instinct and the things we know but can’t explain are because this isn’t the first time for our souls. The connections we feel with certain people, the reason we are so different from our siblings who grew up in the exact same environment with the exact same opportunities, our sense of right and wrong...it’s all because our souls learn and grow with each time and that’s why we are who we are. I think that’s probably how I can explain what I have always felt. That I am living in a different universe than everybody but I have to pretend to be in this one and dumb my emotions and thoughts down. Maybe that’s because my soul has lived through thousands of years while most around me are living their 100th life. Or maybe I’m just narcissistic, who knows?

8. You shift between talking in first person and second person but that’s because that’s how you think in your head and talk to yourself and live your life. You ask yourself things and you accuse yourself of things and you apologize to yourself and you comfort yourself. I think that seeps into your writing and the changing of the voices.

9. You always genuinely thought that you’d not be afraid of dying. And then what happened this October proved you shockingly wrong. I know it’s not so much being afraid of dying but the unbearable pain of knowing what that would mean to your family. So you have to be more prudent and less reckless with your life and the choices you make.

10. Regret is not something that plagued you but this year the realisation and pain of giving away your favourite books from your own personal collection to people you care about as a show of affection and them turning out to be ass holes or losers has hit you so hard. So, yes. No more of that shit. I really fucking want my copy of The Perks Of Being A Wallflower back. UGH. With the childhood picture of me inside it!

11. Sleeping at 5 am in the morning stops being fun or romanticised when you realise just how much harm it does to your body and mind. Literally every single disease and disorder can be traced back to a shitty fucking sleep schedule. It’s not just the hours you sleep but also the quality of sleep and the time you sleep at. So yes sleeping for 8 hours is healthy but not if that 8 hours is from 5 am to 12 pm. ‘Not a morning person’ is just another construct of capitalism and you don’t realise how many industries profit from having you believe that and staying up late or all night. Entertainment. Food. Alcohol. Pharma. Biologically and naturally you are a bloody morning person. And you don’t need 3 cups of coffee to begin your day or your phone notifications to get you to open your eyes and brain to wake up.

12. Sometimes you really have to stop taking people so seriously. I know the idea of treating people as casual friends or entertainment makes you want to fight that concept but you know what? Some people like Pineapple are ever only going to be good for that. No matter how much they ‘grow and change’. So keep them in the background for whenever you want some entertainment or drama. But please don’t clear up your busy schedule to meet them or send them gifts on their birthday.

13. If you don’t have the fruit juice or green juice within half an hour of making it then you are losing out on its most optimum health benefits. Or when you remove the white stringy stuff from oranges. That’s where all the actual nutrients are.

14. I am privileged and so are most of the people I interact with. The global pandemic has been hell for a lot of people around the world. Health wise. Financially. Losing people they care about. But I was blessed enough to be safe at home and have a job that I could smoothly do from home and not have a pay cut or 4-hour long Zoom meetings. So honestly when my friends tell me 2020 has been bad I have to stop and ask them why? Yes, the crippling uncertainty and anxiety is not something that can be undermined. But most people I know had very great positive life-changing milestones this year like moving away to another country for college or taking their first solo trip or getting married. So I have to ask them. Because I am not going to agree that everybody’s 2020 and pandemic narrative is the same.

15. Money gets spent really quickly. When I left my job earlier this year because of personal issues, I thought I had enough savings to last me a year. Full disclosure - I mean to last my personal expenses because I live with my parents. But it didn’t even last me 3 months. And so to use money wisely and buy things that provide utility than instant gratification is something to follow. Also buying one pair of really expensive but quality shoes is better than buying 5 pairs of affordable but low quality shoes that will have a very short life and force you to buy more. I know that higher price doesn’t always mean better quality but sometimes it does. And as an adult now I want to do the whole quality > quantity thing even with things and not just people.

16. Everyone in their 20s went through a crisis of what they should do with their lives and their careers and it’s not unique to the 21st century and the challenges of today. Whether it was Vincent Van Gogh in the 19th century or Sylvia Plath in the 20th, every single person, as brilliant as them went through the torture of making these decisions and living with their consequences. You may think I picked wrong examples for they both killed themselves but you know what? They were the people who really want to live more than anyone. They knew what life meant. And maybe if mental health help was more accessible back then their lives would be longer and more peaceful.

17. Telling people everything is overrated. You don’t have to talk about every single thing that’s on your mind or that’s going on in your life. The good and the bad and the mediocre. You have to be mindful about how much of yourself you’re giving away.

18. Re-watch Suits when people at work feel intimidating because the confidence + negotiation tactics that they show can actually work irl cos at the end of the day no matter in what position you’re dealing with people who have emotions and fears and insecurities and desires. You understand how to leverage that nobody can get the better of you.

19. You belong to yourself. No matter how much you love someone or how much they have done for you or how much you owe them - you belong to yourself. You can’t live your life for someone else. Everyone belongs to themselves first. No relationship, no promise, no circumstance should make you feel like you have to give up your life and make it all about them. If and when the time comes to die for them, go ahead. Take a bullet. Donate that kidney. Write them in your will. But live your life for yourself. And let them live theirs.

20. Twenty three was a challenging year. When it started you claimed the age 23 sounds boring and insignificant. Guess it proved you wrong. It hurt so much now. But that only means you’ll look back on it later and see how it added so much wisdom and resilience to your being. It doesn’t mean that it makes all the bad things that happened to you okay. Or that you should be grateful to them. Fuck no. It means that you should be kinder to yourself because at the end of the day, your mind and body find it in themselves to deal with whatever is thrown their way. They have your back. It’s time you learn to sit straight.

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d-asklepiades · 4 years

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Three-Month Break

I decided, at the end of July, to take a break from religious social media. I needed to see if I still bothered to practice this religion and if my beliefs held up if I spent time away from the constant positive reinforcement that comes from Tumblr, Discord communities, YouTube comments sections, &c. I felt like, oftentimes, I was posting to the Hellenism discord, r/Hellenism, and Tumblr for heart reaccs, social clout, digital ass pats - basically, I sometimes wondered if I was actually worshipping the gods, or was I just trying to fit in with a group. This is especially concerning to me because 1) I don't have many close friends irl, & 2) I already spend way too much time on social media trying to get approval from people I barely know and barely like. Not to mention, I just moved to a new city, I don't have any friends here, and can't go out and meet people because quarantine. I wanted to see if my religion was in part being a desperate sad boi. Would I still be Hellenic without the community, without the sense of belonging? I don't mean to make anyone feel bad by saying this, but this situation is legit how people get sucked into cults. I don't want any of that shit.

Furthermore, it seems to me that these communities form echo chambers - orthodox comments get like reaccs, stuff outside the Hellenic "Overton Window" gets dragged, and idk, it gets kind of repetitive. Don't get me wrong- I still love the online Hellenic community and sometimes really good discussions occur, but the nature of online communities is to orbit around an acceptable "in group" of ideas. We select for people/ideas we like and everyone else gets yeeted. That's not necessarily bad, it just is what it is. One goal of mine was to see how, or indeed if, my praxis and beliefs changed without feeling like I need to "run it by the community first". This was a secondary concern though, and I'll touch on it later.

I'd previously read (don't remember where) that it takes about three months to form new habits, and about three months to break them. Therefore, for me to actually get any information from my break, it would need to be for at least three months. If I were to fall away from the religion altogether, I figured that's about how long it would take. Also, I resolved to not lurk either. After all, if I, say, heart reacc'd a Discord post, or reblogged something on Tumblr, I'd still get the satisfaction of contributing to the community, and I'd still be encouraging certain content (subtlety shaping the "Overton Window" with my approval or disapproval of content). So, no dm's about religious stuff, no talking to people in the community about religious stuff, no reacc'ing to posts - just staying away altogether and seeing what happens.

So - how'd it go?

1) I still practiced my personal cultus. It helped that just before the hiatus I made a sort of weekly worship schedule. Structure seemed to help in the absence of community. However, I feel like my Deipnon observances weren't as elaborate or ritualistic, which is a problem for me (I'd previously gathered from my divination practice that Hekate would like for me to be more formal, thoughtful, and ritualistic with her monthly meal).

2) I have some new views on miasma, which I'll post about some other time.

3) I'm like 80% sure that I now sync Selene and Artemis. And I'm like 50% sure I will soon sync Artemis, Selene, and Hekate (maybe even Isis). This, and no. 2, help me to realize that I don't necessarily need historical precedent or community approval for every part of my belief and praxis.

4) My relationship with Asklepios has grown. I was only two months into my new job back in July, but now I'm at five months as a nurse. I'm still extremely new to the field, but the emotional toll is already intense- all the pain, suffering, sickness, and death has been getting to me. I rely on Asklepios a lot to get through my shifts and for, idk, like closure? Existential clarity? Like a sense of meaning and purpose in the face of all the shit I help my patients deal with as a bedside RN. The frequency of offerings is probably the same as before my hiatus, but the prayers and reverence have increased a great deal. To that end, I've also focused on Apollo more recently than I ever have before. Relying on religion to help cope with suffering and death - who'da thunk rofl

5) I started a YouTube channel. Of course, the video I uploaded is set to only release after my exile is over. I kinda just want to do a channel for Hellenic prayers and meditations. We'll see how that goes.

So what now?

I think that, moving forward, I'll be in a better position to engage critically with the community. Having spent a good bit of time away, I think I'll be more able to speak my opinion even if it goes against Internet Hellenic Orthodoxy, because I now know that I don't *need* internet religious groups. Also, I feel more secure practicing. I don't have to worry about whether or not the internet approves or disapproves of my praxis or beliefs. Fuck it - my religion is between me and the gods, right?

I would encourage any Hellenic polytheist, or any sort of pagan, who engages with religious social media daily or almost daily to try a similar sort of experiment. Take some time away from the community and see what happens. Maybe you'll grow in your faith, and maybe not - that's ok too. Work on some of your irl friendships, try a new hobby (I've been doing Inktober and picked up an instrument again for the first time in years), read, or write. I've gotten more reading done recently than I have in ages. And when you do practice, resist the urge to check with the internet. Resist the urge to post photos of your altar when you make changes. Resist the urge to share the hymns you write. I think my time off helped me - what might it do for you?

#hellenic polytheism #hellenism

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regrettable-username · 5 years

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Summary: The Good Hair Crew decides to start a podcast so they can catch up on each other's lives while Andi is at SAVA. Plus, Cyrus just really wanted to do it.

Each chapter is written as a transcript for one episode of their podcast! They will be discussing their lives as well as occasionally irl events/news, and bringing in some guests in the future!

______________________________

Buffy: Hello world!

Andi: Testing…is my mic working?

Cyrus: Yep! The bars right here move when it picks up your voice.

B: I told you we should’ve went over this before we started recording.

A: I just like to go with the flow.

C: Exactly! And no one got hurt.

B: (jokingly) Fine, whatever. Welcome to our podcast everyone!

C: You forgot to say the name. How will the listeners know what show this is?

B: I didn’t forget.

C: Fine, I’ll say it: Three’s A Crew!

B: We did not agree to that name.

A: It’s not that bad!

C: Buffy just gave Andi a disapproving look.

A: Cyrus, what are you doing?

C: I’m narrating our podcast for vision-impaired folks.

B: Cyrus, this is a podcast. Nobody can see what’s happening except us.

C: Then I guess it’s a good thing I’m narrating.

A: (laughing) Well…um, okay, we should probably get to the start of this podcast.

C: Yes.

A: So we’re all in my room right now, with a bunch of audio equipment that Cyrus begged his parents to buy for one big reason.

B: Andi is going to Shadyside Academy for Visual Arts—

A: (dramatically) —SAVA—

B:—yeah, SAVA, this fall, so she won’t be joining Cyrus and me in high school.

C: So I had the great idea of starting a podcast!

B: If you’re listening, you either know us personally or you just happened to come across this on SoundCloud somehow.

C: Either way, we love that you’re here.

A: Anyway, this podcast is going to run in sort of a loose format. Since there are three of us hosting, we will each choose a topic to talk about for about a third of the time. It can be a current event in the news, something going on in our lives, or just a topic that we’ve been thinking about a lot lately and want to talk about.

B: So we did a rock paper scissors competition to see who would go first this week.

C: I won!!

B: Rock Paper Scissors is the only type of physical competition he’s can do without injuring himself.

C: It’s true. The school nurse can testify for me.

A: Alright, well maybe that can be a topic for another day. What have you got for us to talk about today, Cyrus?

C: Alright, get ready for it…(beat) FLAMINGOS!

A & B, in unison: Flamingos?

C: What up, I’m Cyrus, I’m 15, and I’m heckin’ afraid of flamingos!

A: Did you just make a vine reference?

B: I’m surprised you didn’t just want to make a group Tik Tok instead of a podcast.

C: I did consider it, because that would showcase the incredible hair of the Good Hair rew. But I wanted to be an active voice and not just behind the camera.

A: I’m proud of you, Cyrus.

C: Aww, thanks Andi. But you might want to hold off on that until after we talk about my fear of flamingos.

B: Yeah, so, when did this even start?

C: So basically, you know how you go to the zoo in first grade with the class and you do a little animal fact scavenger hunt thing with your chaperone group? Approximately halfway through that.

A: What happened?

C: I am soglad you asked. I’m just minding my own business, filling out my scavenger hunt worksheet, and we’re just getting to the flamingo exhibit. So I read the next question on the sheet, and it just wants you to list one fact about flamingos. Seems innocent, right? So I go up to the information board for the flamingos, and I read it to find something interesting. But instead I find out that flamingos get their pink color because they eat so much shrimp!

B: What?

A: Huh?

C: So I start thinking, what if I eat too much shrimp? Will I turn pink too? What if I eat too much of one specific type of food? What if I eat too many blueberries and become Violet-freakin-Beauregard?

A: That doesn’t sound like a fear of flamingos in particular though, just fear of changing color based on your food I guess?

C: There’s more. So while little six year old me is having a full-blown crisis, a flamingo walks right up to me on the other side of the fence and does the leg thing. You know, where they put their leg all the way inside their feathers? It was practically going into attack mode. Who knows what it was getting ready to do. Swing it’s leg out to kick me in the face? Grab a knife it was hiding under its feathers to kill me? Showing off its clear ability to do anything that requires remotely good balance? That flamingo was out to get me, and I’ve been afraid of flamingos ever since.

[long pause]

A: Uh…

B: Don’t you have four parents that are all psychologists? Why are you bringing this up to us?

C: Because I already know it’s irrational. I just wanted to get it out and hear your honest thoughts about flamingos.

B: Okay…I guess. But my thoughts are just really that I’m not afraid of them?

C: You’re not afraid of anything.

A: Everyone’s afraid of something.

B: Except me. I’m fearless.

C: Maybe we should make a trade.

B: I get to be afraid of flamingos and you get to walk through the theater department scene shop without jumping away from all the ladders?

C: Hey, not walking under ladders is a safety issue and not just a petty superstition.

A: Maybe we should get back to the topic at hand.

C: Of course. So Andi: thoughts on flamingos?

A: Personally I like flamingos. They just seem so graceful and beautiful. And have you ever seen those pictures where they put their heads together and their necks for a heart? Ooh, I just got an idea for an art project!

C: You're going to project my deepest fears into your art?

A: Pretty much.

C: You know what, that might actually help.

A: Buffy, can we say it?

B: Are you okay with it just this once, Cyrus?

C: Go ahead, ladies.

A & B, in unison: Just another service we provide.

A: Hell yeah!

B: Now do you see how satisfying it is?

A: I feel like I understand the universe now.

C: For our listeners who need some context, “just another service we provide” is something Buffy and I say together when we help Andi with one of her problems. We started doing it a few years ago. Now she finally got to return the favor.

A: To be fair, I’ve had a lot of stuff.

C: Speaking of which, what would you like to talk about today Andi?

A: Thanks for asking Cyrus. So I just got the school supply list for SAVA, and it’s majorly freaking me out. It doesn’t start for a few more weeks but I’m already feeling overwhelmed.

C: Why is that?

A: It’s just…y’know, looking through the list is so intimidating. Name brand oil paints. Charcoal. Shading pencils. Four different types of erasers. And that’s just the stuff we need to buy on our own for outside of class. I got into SAVA with just paper cranes, friendship bracelets, and trash turned into an art piece. I don’t know how to use any of this high-brow stuff. And why does everything have to be new? Why can’t I just recycle something?

B: They probably just want to teach you the basics in a lot of different art forms so that you can build from there, find a specialty, or even combine them.

C: Buffy’s right. And how do you know you can’t use anything recycled? You don’t even know what your assignments are yet.

A: I just feel like I’m not even there yet but they’re already trying to weed me out. I thought I wanted to go to SAVA more than anything, but now I don’t know. If I was good enough to get in on my own, why can’t I just keep up with what I was doing and become an artist that way?

C: What you’re feeling is called imposter syndrome. You think that you don’t belong, that you’re not good enough. But remember that they choseyou. They saw your potential and wanted to help you thrive as an artist.

A: But all of this fancy art stuff isn’t what I applied with. It’s like they’re trying to change me to fit their idea of what an artist should be.

B: Andi, you haven’t even started classes there yet. Learning all these things will just give you new tools to make your own art with. And if any of those snooty art teachers try to tell you that your art doesn’t line up with their ‘brand’ or whatever, I’ll personally march into SAVA and fight every single one of them.

C: And I will support you both with snacks and first aid supplies from a safe distance.

A: (laughing) Thanks. I guess it’s just hard not to doubt myself when I know that I’ll stick out like a sore thumb just because of my art style. But I’ve already stuck out as the weird girl, the quiet girl, the Asian-stereotype girl, you name it. I can handle it.

C: And now you’ll be known as the artist, the environmentalist, and the change-maker.

B: Those seem like much better labels to live by.

A: You’re right. Well, if I’m not dropping out of SAVA before the start of the school year, then I should probably prepare my parents for when they find out how much cash they have to drop on art supplies.

B: Maybe we should make some cookies when we’re done recording.

A: Good call.

C: Speaking of recording, we have just enough time left for Buffy to tell us about her topic for this week.

B: I’m actually really glad I get to talk about this, because I wasn’t sure if Andi would actually bring it up or not and I didn’t have a backup plan.

A: Really? What is it?

B: I want to talk about the fires in the Amazon.

A: You’re right, that’s an important topic.

C: I’ve heard a lot about them on social media. What do you want to talk about?

B: I guess just…everything? I can’t believe that it’s happening but at the same time it feels almost too real. It’s completely dystopian and yet it fits in with everything else happening in the world.

C: That’s a really valid feeling.

B: Did you hear that the fires were intentional too? I just thought they were regular forest fires at first. They were set to clear the land and get rid of Indigenous peoples. I can’t believe that people are so greedy. It’s absolutely evil.

A: I wish we could just raid a dumpster like we did with Mint Chip. How are we supposed to do anything from halfway across the world?

B: You? You could do anything, Andi. You can create an art piece and auction it off, and donate everything to the Amazon frontlines. What am I supposed to do? I can’t just play basketball and save the world.

C: Why not?

B: Is that supposed to be a serious question?

C: I mean, it’s not such a crazy idea. You could do a charity basketball game, or even a tournament. Any money you make from tickets and concessions could be donated.

B: Don’t you need a ton of planning for that though? I don’t know how long I have to do something before these fires go past the tipping point.

C: You won’t know unless you try.

A: He’s right, Buffy. Basketball is something you really good at, but you’re even better at organizing people and making things happen. A charity event would be incredible.

B: I’m just worried that I’ll be too cocky and take on more than I can handle. It happened already with the track team, the basketball team, and when I tried to run that marathon. I’ve never done something this big and I don’t want it to be a disaster.

A: Well luckily for you, you’ve already got two amazing people to help you every step of the way.

C: And as a professional disaster myself, I think I know enough to help minimize the casualties.

B: I guess we’re doing it then. [pause] I guess I really didn’t expect that conversation to end on an exciting note.

A: Considering everything that’s happening, I think we could all use some excitement.

C: And can I just say that I think this first episode of our podcast was very exciting!

B: It was a lot more fun than I expected it to be. I mean it’s just talking into microphones on Andi’s bed, and yet it’s…cathartic? Is that the right word?

C: Yeah, it fits.

A: Considering that we had no idea what we were doing, I think we rocked it.

C: Speak for yourself. As someone who spent the last week outlining exactly what I was going to talk about, I think I absolutely heckin’ killed it.

B: We’re still saying “heck,” huh?

C: We have no idea who our audience is going to be. What if my parents hear me swearing?

A: I think they’ll be more interested in the whole flamingo thing.

C: Cookies? Didn’t someone say we were gonna make cookies after recording?

B: Buffy rolls her eyes at Cyrus.

C: I thought you didn’t like the narration.

B: I wouldn’t call it narration. Considering at least half our audience probably just rolled their eyes too, it’s more like...audience interaction.

A: Cyrus is right though, we should be wrapping up. Bowie wants to start dinner by 7.

B: Is that it already? It feels like we barely got started.

C: We can try starting early next week and going a bit longer.

B: What do you think, Andi?

A: I don’t really have a preference. Whatever decision you come up with is fine, just do it quick so I can go and shove pasta in my face before it gets cold.

B: Let's talk about this over dinner then.

C: You dad didn’t make cauliflower taters again did he? As much as I love him, I just can’t get behind those baby tater frauds.

A: Nah, I think it’s real veggies on the side tonight.

C: Thank god. I’m fine with eating healthy, I want to eat healthy, I just need healthy food to be upfront.

B: Alright, well I guess this is the end of our show then. See you next week!

A: I hope you enjoyed the first episode!

C: Remember to subscribe and rate our podcast! It really helps get ourselves out there and noticed by other listeners. And if you have any comments, suggestions, or just want to chat, we have the twitter handle listed in our description. And—

A & B, in unison: —Cyrus!

C: Okay, fine. Thanks for listening!

#andi mack #buffy driscoll #cyrus goodman

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somnilogical · 4 years

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i am prepared to face god this instant

in the case of the native americans, in a counterfactual world where every native human could would do with their muscles what they would yell at a book character in their situation to do with their mouth. where people could would make choices from a third person point of view and then carry out the choices. where when asked by an interrogator for the names of your rebel companions, you say you will know them when they come to avenge me.

<<On 8 Feb 1943, the Nazis hung 17-year-old Yugoslav partisan Lepa Radić. When asked the names of her companions, she replied: “You will know them when they come to avenge me”.>>

<<N. Stolyarova recalls an old woman who was her neighbor on the Butyrki bunks in 1937. They kept on interrogating her every night. Two years earlier, a former Metropolitan of the Orthodox Church, who had escaped from exile, had spent a night at her home on his way through Moscow. “But he wasn’t the former Metropolitan, he was the Metropolitan! Truly, I was worthy of receiving him.” “All right then. To whom did he go when he left Moscow?” “I know, but I won’t tell you!” (The Metropolitan had escaped to Finland via an underground railroad of believers.) At first the interrogators took turns, and then they went after her in groups. They shook their fists in the little old woman’s face, and she replied: “There is nothing you can do with me even if you cut me into pieces. After all, you are afraid of your bosses, and you are afraid of each other, and you are even afraid of killing me.” (They would lose contact with the underground railroad.) “But I am not afraid of anything. I would be glad to be judged by God right this minute.”

There were such people in 1937 too, people who did not return to their cell for their bundles of belongings, who chose death, who signed nothing denouncing anyone.>>

<<One can’t say that the history of the Russian revolutionaries has given us any better examples of steadfastness. But there is no comparison anyway, because none of our revolutionaries ever knew what a really good interrogation could be, with fifty-two different methods to choose from. Just as oxcart drivers of Gogol’s time could not have imagined the speed of a jet plane, those who have never gone through the receiving-line meat grinder of Gulag cannot grasp the true possibilities of interrogation.

We read in Izvestiya for May 24, 1959, that Yuliya Rumyantseva was confined in the internal prison of a Nazi camp while they tried to find out from her the whereabouts of her husband, who had escaped from that same camp. She knew, but she refused to tell! For a reader who is not in the know this is a model of heroism. For a reader with a bitter Gulag past it’s a model of inefficient interrogation: Yuliya did not die under torture, and she was not driven insane. A month later she was simply released—still very much alive and kicking.>>

-alexander solzhenitsyn, the gulag archipelago

if all or even a majority of native americans near the missions had this neurotype, then what id suggest would be for everyone to move away from the missions and if captured refuse to work to the point of death. the missions need slave labour in order to exist and without people to feed on and with long supply lines, they would be undone and people would be free from the largest human-unfriendly institution of the era.

and the outcome would be better than ~60 years of slavery. this is choosing between timelines

somni why do you care about freedom? freedom is like ability-to-live. if people were like "well who cares about the global slavery-and-submission-and-stasis cult" until catholicism actually took over the world, the world would be much worse and we would never get to the stars.

you could say "whats the point, everyone gets assimilated to whatever the social order is now which is driving us all to doom" but like if you are in 1800s america after you keep the world ending for a set of tribes, you work on societal tech to keep it from ending in other ways and landing in this patch of equilibrium-space in the first place.

its like the difference between choosing between timelines and wondering if perhaps the money could be better spent sustaining the lives of those who could be locally saved. there are other organizing principles for moral reasoning besides these, and more than i have thought of so far. i suspect locating new ones is a spatially-loaded skill.

ben hoffman was using the choosing between consistent timelines kind of thinking when he quoted deuteronomy 30:19 in his post about REACH

http://benjaminrosshoffman.com/humans-need-places/

<<I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live.>>

https://www.sefaria.org/Deuteronomy.30.19?lang=bi&aliyot=0

which in context of the passage is exactly the same cognition that would benefit the natives to resist the world's largest human-unfriendly subjugation org and live to iteratively squirm out of these sorts of tangles in the future.

<<See, I set before you this day life and prosperity, death and adversity.

For I command you this day, to love the LORD your God, to walk in His ways, and to keep His commandments, His laws, and His rules, that you may thrive and increase, and that the LORD your God may bless you in the land that you are about to enter and possess.

But if your heart turns away and you give no heed, and are lured into the worship and service of other gods,

I declare to you this day that you shall certainly perish; you shall not long endure on the soil that you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess.

I call heaven and earth to witness against you this day: I have put before you life and death, blessing and curse. Choose life—if you and your offspring would live—

by loving the LORD your God, heeding His commands, and holding fast to Him. For thereby you shall have life and shall long endure upon the soil that the LORD swore to your ancestors, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give to them.>>

if native americans had social tech which could better survive slavery and forced relocation, maybe things would be different today.

which, this can be cast in a zero-sum frame of having your group survive versus everyone elses which runs against antinationalist heuristics.

but if you are planning to manufacture a pattern which revolutionizes the world, for the good of all life, it is instrumentally useful to avoid assimilation and submission destroying this work.

this applies to multi-generational projects as well as within-a-lifetime choices. if you choose to submit and assimilate and erase all work and structure you have built, each time someone wants to feed on you, then you i (0.7) dont think can really sustain your work.

i wonder if with this worlds distribution of neurotypes, such that maybe most humans cant run consequentialism through a rawlsian veil where they forget which human inherits the label "me" on their muscles. im somewhat optimistic that even those who cant wont make their muscles move according to this, can locate the correct answer.

though there is i think a habit among people whose neurotypes have issues to retroactively rationalize (FAKE REASONING, STORIES) that because you are unable to make your body wont choose your death over the death of three of your friends, equally or more useful to the flourishing of all life, it doesnt make sense to choose your death over theirs.

linta mentioned that they couldnt imagine knowing the right thing to do and then not doing it. that they dont have a gap between these things save for akrasia, i think it is because the gap is filled with fractally expanding justifications of the form "but you cant really expect a human being to give up their life for the sake of their companions, you need to be reasonable and work with humans who exist".

human neurodiversity exists, as a matter of historical fact not all humans have the same weaknesses. in hpmor!metaphor, some people are hermione granger and wont zap people in the milgram compliance test.

and building plans predicated on people who need to divert resources to local stuff because of their neurotype, will replace "if this were a story what plans would i yell at my character do?" with "what would someone who cant run consequentialism through a rawlsian veil, see in 3rd person and then act in harmony with this do?" "someone who needs to divert resources to babies and not personally dying, do?" "what if everyone were like this?"

labeling the latter as "what will happen if everyone is running consequentialism, playing as if from 3rd person and wants humanity to win?" is a distortion of what is going on and compounds as institutions are built on it and the boundaries of what good could be done are strictly smaller than the reach of what good could be done irl.

by the way, the milgram experiment replicated in 2015 poland. gotta check with the replication crisis.

https://qz.com/932110/researchers-have-replicated-a-notorious-social-experiment-that-claimed-to-explain-the-rise-of-fascism/

<<It is exceptionally interesting that in spite of the many years which have passed since the original Milgram experiments, the proportion of people submitting themselves to the authority of the experimenter remains very high. The result of 90% obedience which we have achieved, 95% CI [83.43%, 96.57%], is very close to the number of people pressing the 10th button in the original Milgram studies. For example, in Milgram’s (1974) Experiment No. 2, replicated in our study, 34 of 40 people pressed Button No. 10 (85% of participants, the 95% CI extends from 70.54% to 93.32%).>>

one of my moms who studies fascism once told me she thinks 40-60% of people have as their ideology that they will imitate those in power, and will go along with Power in times of an authoritarian takeover. they believe that they will eat rather than be eaten. given my experience and things like the milgram test, i think its closer to 90-95%.

reading grognor's memorial page it looked like he was very fucked up by the fact that he could do a rawlsian veil consequentialism thought experiment, where he saw himself in third person or forgot which agent was "him" and "his family" and then notice that his muscles werent moving in harmony with the logic of the results.

<<are you doing the best thing you could possibly be doing? why not?

become good

SPEAK TRULY, EVEN IF YOUR VOICE TREMBLES

you continue to underestimate the harm you have done and are doing

are you doing the best thing you could possibly be doing? why not?

The tools you have available are cognitive actions and motor actions. Use them to immanentize the eschaton. You have one life

if you were an alien suddenly transposed into your current body, what would you do now?

Pretend with every thought and action to be a much better person. Reach heaven through fraud.>>

https://grognor.github.io/archives.html

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tiffotcf · 5 years

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Tagged by @eyeliner-vampire back in Aug 2018. (I’m only 8 month’s late, it’s totally cool)

Rules: Answer 10 questions, write 10 questions, and tag 10 people

1. Do you name your characters with nicknames in mind, or prefer to call them by whole name only? OR what’s your wackiest/coolest character name to date?

100% I always think about possible nicknames when I pick character names. As someone who lives now by what was once a nickname I think names given by those who come into your life can have a pretty big impact. Especially, if the character felt like they didn’t have a place that they belonged before.

2. Do you talk about your WIP to others or prefer to keep it close to the chest?

It kinda depends, I think I mostly keep things to myself unless it is someone that I have specifically decided that they will be my sounding board for this story. Or if I am talking about the story to someone who I know will never read it. Then I will spoil them all day. because I am talking to them about story crafting and not just this work in particular.

I don’t like to talk about something that is coming up with people who might read it because I want to know what they think of the actual story as it presents itself, that way I know if it is working.

3. What’s something you’ve learned during your growth as a writer?

Oh man, a lot of things. Like personal ways of thinking about things and like stylistic things. And of course true to writing I can’t think of anyone thing in particular now.

I think something with my recent edits to KH that I kind of learned/evolved in is letting the audience fill in the gaps. When I did my re-read & edits there were times where I realized I was hinting at how things were going and then I would just flat out say them and I realized that the second part was probably redundant so I cleaned a lot of things up so that there are more things for the audience to piece together but that it is still clear what is going on.

The other BIG thing I tried to evolve with is giving the characters agency even if it means I don’t get the ‘moment’ or trope that I wanted. Especially because often I found that if I let them act things ended up falling into place just not in the way I had originally forced it to.

4. What’s your average number of characters in your works? Do you think you could handle more/less?

Hmm, this varies. Though in general I think of stories in terms of novels. It is really hard for me to think of a short story and that means that I have a long list of massive stories that I want to do and I can never get anything out and done. KH eneded up at about 100k words and I am happy to have others end up just as long if not longer.

5. What’s your religion system like in your WIP? Is there one?

Well one of my WIPs has a relationship with Buddhism but who knows if that story will every get done.

Religion in most of my other stuff is either not mentioned or it is a tool and belief system of various secondary characters.

6. How do you balance your writing with daily life?

I can’t and I really need to find a way to do so because I really miss writing and desperately need to get back into it.

7. Are there any stories behind any of your characters, creation wise or other?

Uh, depends on the story.

For KH obviously the main characters are based on the series characters, so for that I will talk about the two main original characters.

Yuuki Oshiro- he is the bad kind of ‘soft boy’ he has been sort of dismissed by his family and kept quiet about it. But when he finally finds the strength to do something for himself he goes about it in allllll the wrong ways. He expects the world to pay him back for all the poor treatment he has received and he doesn’t think of others in pursuit of this expectation.

Fun Fact: Since it might not have been obvious in the book, Mai’s is not the first body Yuuki tries to steal for Eloise. He actually got his feet wet in the body stealing game by trying to have Eloise possess his brother’s wife. :/ (there is a whole world of issues wrapped up in there) And it was his and Eloise’s attack on her that leads his brother to call on SPR.

Jack Murphy- He’s an actual narcissist; self-important, lacks any sort of empathy, fantasies about power, has a MASSIVE sense of entitlement, has a history of exploiting others for personal gain, and as most of you know he is directly based on my old boss. He’s a real piece of work and some of the worst things he says are basically things I got to hear IRL. One positive of working with that thing. Good story fodder.

8. What’s your setting like in three words or less.

Uh, I guess I will do this for the story I am supposed to be working on ATM

Wet, salty, hot (ewww, I don’t really like it when I say it like this)

9. How many different colors/shades are you currently utilizing in your WIP? Do you use color for any specific reason (emotion, tone, etc)?

oh color, Well in this story blue will be a thing I think for sure. Turquoise blue, like a coral pink, and maybe gold. Hmmm. I find that color tends to come for me as I am writing and then I will end up seeing a pattern emerging that I can end up leaning into as I move forward or go back and edit.

10. Do you gain inspiration from any source outside of writing (video games, rp, real life, dreams, etc)?

Sure, I think about everything in terms of story telling. When I over did it at the gym last week and had to lay on the floor trying not to puke or pass out. I tried to think about how to describe how this felt and how my trainer was acting as she worried over me and my reactions to her. ( I wish I had a video of it to know what it looked like) But I totally was thinking about how I want all of this information for a scene where someone has fought hard against something but eventually they are reaching their limit and their body just turns against them and they can’t anymore. I also thought about how much that experience exhausted me for the rest of the day and how it was effecting me hours and even a day or two later.

I have thought about wiring out the stories that I started when I did TTRPG with my friends. We all got too busy and stopped playing all of our various games at this point but I love a number of the stories that we started with and the variety of characters we had and since we stopped I think about just continuing things but... I don’t have the time. Need to work on the stuff I have.

These two long rants are to say yes. Inspiration from almost everywhere.

Questions Time!

Because of how my brain works a lot of these are linked to one another.

1.If you could write anywhere, where would you write?

1a. What is the weather there?

1b. What do you hear/ are listening to?

1c. What are you drinking/eating?

2.If you could come up with any story, your dream story, what would the setting be?

3. Do you have any preferred patterns for setting yourself up to write or rituals that help you get into the flow?

4 Can you write for just a few moments at a time here and there or do you need larger chunks of time to even get started?

5. What is your favorite piece of work?

6. What is its main theme? What about it holds you so deeply?

7. Pick a character you are writing/like to write, where is their favorite place to go?

8. What is their favorite sound? food? time of day?

9. What would the character you were just thinking of have to say about you?

10. When you are stuck how much compassion do you show yourself?

Tagging time!

@sprghosthunter , @seoulsborne123 , @radiowrites , @amynchan @taniyamamaiumi, @megabadbunny, @samantha-girlscout,

@frenchcirce, @csakuras, @snavej

#the write stuff #tiffo time #another meme bites the dust

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adoringdo · 6 years

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EXO Theory Pt. 8 - Time to find the spy!

Hoooboy, I did not expect this mv out so soon, but bless it for coming because I was really struggling with coming up with a solid theory just from the Countdown teasers themselves. (Like, honestly, there was just too much going on, and no real story so I just got a bit overwhelmed tbh!) But anyway, this song is a certified bop, MV is amazing and my boys are gorgeous.

Let’s get into this!

<<– First Part | <- Previous Part | * Theory Masterpost

Sequence of MVs:

MAMA/History/What Is Love - Miracles in December - Romantic Universe - KoKoBop - MAMA 2016 VCR - (Parallel Universe) - Lucky One - Overdose - Love Me Right - Wolf/Growl - Lotto - Coming Over - Pathcodes/Call Me Baby - Monster - Electric Kiss - Sing For You - For Life - (Parallel Universe) - Lightsaber - RF_05 - Power - The Eclipse - MAMA 2016 Performance

So for this one, I’m gonna focus on Xiumin to start. IMO, Xiumin’s the most interesting character initially. The first real thing we see of him is him using a video camera, clearly watching (or even recording) someone.

Later in the MV we see that this person is Sehun.

I’ve spoken a bit before about my theory about Xiumin and Suho (x); Xiu specifically is a character known for archiving the experiences of the members as they fight against the Red Forces in this dream plane. As such, I’ve often linked him with D.O, who’s omniscience allows him to monitor the members closely. Unsurprisingly, we’ve seen Soo and cameras linked often.

However, this is the first time we’ve ever seen Xiu in the monitoring position. In fact, you could even claim their roles in this MV are a little reversed, as we actually see Soo very stagnant in the film room - mostly laying down, or propped up only by TV screens that aren’t displaying actual picture.

I’ll come back to this in a moment, but I do think this will link back with the events of Monster nicely.

Anyway, Xiumin is filming Sehun who is opposite him in the apartment building complex area the members seem to be stationed at.

We see both Sehun and Chanyeol have parts like this where they are very personal with the cameras. However, where Chanyeol’s is quite energetic and crazy, Sehun’s is a little less extreme; he’s quite lazily rolling his neck around, and the whole effect is a little more trippy.

Sehun’s IMO resembles some scenes from the KoKoBop MV... and guess who those scenes belong to?

Good old XiuSoo. Of course, it’s not a direct parallel, but I do think the scene is very reminiscent. And I do remember saying in my KKB post that Xiumin is seen interacting with the KKB pills often in the MV, and one of the members Xiu and the pills are seen with is Sehun.

There’s definitely a connection being made between Xiumin and Sehun. I think I’ll have to look more closely at that on a rewatch because I’m a bit lost to what they’re trying to communicate here.

However, I did place this MV just after the Monster and before the Sing For You MV, the second of which Sehun had a very main role.

Sing For You is not an MV I’ve necessarily spoken about before, because it’s a bit self explanatory imo. But it does link in with Sehun. I’m sure you’ve all read the theories about the loneliest astronaut (represented here by Sehun) and the loneliest whale, and how the two are meeting in this MV. IMO, there’s a little more to Sehun’s role overall in this particular story.

Loneliness is a key theme of the whole video, but Sehun is the loneliest because he literally is alone in this story. Originally Tao was Sehun’s counterpart, but he’s now gone from the story. And then in Lucky One we saw Chen and Sehun put together, but tbh... that doesn’t seem to have stuck at all. So... now he’s all alone.

But SFY is a video of dichotomy; members disappearing and reappearing, fighting and celebrating, anguish and joy. The reason I’ve always had it after Monster is because of the revelation of Baekhyun’s traitor double-spy ending, and it shows the members in SFY coming to terms with that betrayal they thought they were witnessing.

And that’s why it’s such an interesting MV, because it’s showing that even though the members fight and get lonely, they can always depend on each other to fight against the RF. And this is echoed in For Life.

Now I might be in the minority, but For Life is one of my favourite EXO songs I just think it’s so beautiful. And the MV is honestly so good, even though there’s only 3 members in it. But think about those 3 members, and their roles in SFY and Electric Kiss.

It’s no coincidence that Kai is echoing ChanHo’s fight in SFY, and it’s even less of a coincidence that these are the 3 members in FL. Kai is the key to getting the Heart of the ToL, Chanyeol has been often partnered up with Baekhyun (even if that slightly changed in EK) and Suho.. well Suho we know is well and truly secured by the Red Forces, so why is he in the FL MV?

Well, because the whole MV is about Kai giving himself up to the RF. Like a few of the EXO MVs this one ends as it starts, with Kai getting the bracelet and driving off into the red mist. The whole journey the girl goes through with Chanyeol and Suho is cyclical, meaning it keeps repeating until the end event of Kai for real leaving the dream state and being captured IRL is completed.

And this never ending cycle is representative of their entire situation. No matter how hard they fight against the Red Forces as they are, it’s hopeless. Most likely because of the spy.

Now we all know that EXO themselves have told us there’s a spy in the Monster vid, and that this spy is the reason that Baekhyun doesn’t have an orb at the beginning of Power. Electric Kiss is them coming to terms with the likelihood of having an actual spy in their midst, and trying to decide who it is. Baekhyun was cleared at the end of Monster, as he was found to be a double-spy on the side of EXO, so it has to be someone else.

And this is why we have Xiumin watching Sehun, because who’s more likely to be a spy than someone who doesn’t have a partnership with any other of the Guardians?

And let’s be honest, Sehun’s probably the only one who’s not had a real role to play in the overall story, so I’d wager he’s at least a little suspicious to some of the others.

Let’s not forget also the time he almost shot D.O in the Power MV, and just who is he talking to on that radio? And in Coming Over being the only member sans BaekSoo who doesn’t destroy one of the Red Forces controlled cameras.

It’s a little suspect, sure, but I don’t think Xiumin comes to this conclusion of Sehun being the spy, ultimately because of Monster. There’s absolutely nothing in that music video to even cast a doubt on Sehun. So, instead, we should be looking at who is strange in Monster.

IMO there are only two possible candidates once we eliminate Baekhyun: D.O and Chen. First I’ll talk about Soo.

Now I actually made a post about why I thought Soo was the spy from the Monster MV alone (x) so I’ll mainly talk about him in Electric Kiss. In Monster we see Soo clearly watching the members through the use of the security cameras that can be construed to also being the Red Forces eyes through a lot of the MV sequence. In Electric Kiss, we don’t get this. What we get, as I mentioned earlier, is Soo relying on Xiumin to be his eyes instead.

We have a history of seeing Soo and Xiumin in particular in connection to monitors, but this is different as the monitors in question aren’t displaying a picture. And in fact, Soo throughout the whole MV seems to be sort of absent? Like he’s not really doing anything, he’s just by himself (with the exception of a small visit from Xiumin) and he’s lying down covered in tapes. It’s as though he’s kind of been consumed by all his watching and it lead him to the wrong conclusion (Baek) and he’s dejected and given up? Either that or he’s lying low trying to distance himself from the confusion of the spy hunt.

The only other really interesting thing here is the scene with Soo facing off with the woman in the other car who’s pointing a gun at him? Now I have no idea who this person is (I really thought it was Chanyeol cos of the hair colour and the transition into this scene but when I froze it turns out nope haha) but this is a weird scene. It could be insinuating something, but I think we need the full version to really figure this out?

So let’s move on to Chen. Boy do I have a lot to talk about with Chen. When I first watched Monster with the intent of making a theory I was kind of convinced Chen was some sort of traitor or something, but as time went on I started to doubt it and decided he was actually meant to be the good character for some reason. But with Electric Kiss now I’m not so sure.

Throughout a lot of the Countdown teasers there was a particular set of glitchy images that was in almost every teaser. In fact, I think it’s only absent in Suho’s?

The images contain a lot of words in various languages, love, paper, personal, the earth, cloud, so on. One word that’s repeated a lot in these teasers is Flower. I’ll come back to that. The images are important too, we get a lot of nature imagery, the sun, teeth, flowers and most importantly this eye motif is so, so prominent.

See, it’s very in line with the Eye of the Red Forces that we’ve heard referenced a billion times. With this eye, pictured in Kai’s teaser, it’s opening from within a sun which represents Baekhyun, but there’s also lightning striking around it. Now, the lightning can be explained by the title of the song Electric Kiss afterall, but then there’s Chen’s teaser, right?

We have extreme closeups of his eye which transform into weird skull imagery, the sun and a lot of red stuff.

That’s not to say it’s definitive, right, because there’s been Soo imagery throughout the story too. Most significantly in the Pathcodes.

Chen acts very odd in Electric Kiss though. We see him running through a corridor and coming across a weird mannequin.

Many of the images in this sequence above seem eerie. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s appearance of the doll thing, but whatever. Especially the 2nd and 3rd images from above seem to be signifying there’s an importance in these actions. The 5th reminds me of the scene from Monster.

And the first reminds me of Soo from pretty much every MV haha.

Let’s jump back to Monster and Chen for a second though.

This was the first thing that really alerted me to a possible traitor Chen. The way he’s defiantly looking at who’s locking them into the car (Baek) as though he knows exactly what’s going on. Lay looks as well, but I kind of expect Lay to look as he was frantic during the whole MV, probably because the MVs centred on his counterpart being the traitor, right? But why does Chen look like that? And the scene where he’s turning amongst the crowd seems to be signalling a similar kind of look too.

Here, too, when the members sans Baek are sitting at this table, only Chen is standing in the centre with his arms resting on two other members in a kind of controlling kind of way. His overall disposition in this MV is just very strange. It’s kind of similar in Lotto too when he’s not reacting to the police coming at him with guns.

Tbh the only real issue I have with believing Chen is the spy is the motive. Like, he and Soo are meant to be protecting the Tree of Life together; they’re the main guardians. And tbh Chen hasn’t seemed to have any indication of even knowing that Baek is the Heart, so how can he be responsible for the orb being missing at the beginning of Power? At least my thoughts about Soo being the non-intentional spy had the backup of that ‘The War’ poster with Soo shooting at Baek’s orb.

But there’s one last thing I can think of that might incriminate Chen.

Well it might incriminate both Chen and Soo tbh. At the end of Electric Kiss we get this montage with all the members in the room, with the image of the eclipse in the background. Baek’s in the middle, and he seems to have been paired with Kai now... which kind of makes sense, as they’re both integral to escaping or trapping themselves with the RF. XiuHo as always OTP 5ever apparently, and Sehun and Chanyeol are all alone why couldn’t they just be together? But importantly, we have the return of ChenSoo who were the OG main Guardians. Now, in this MV and Monster we’ve kind of seen D.O lose his footing a bit, and Chen acting strange. So why have they decided to pair up again?

Well, if you notice, in the room there are two trees. This again points back to the two halves of the ToL from the beginning that I guess ChenSoo were charged with hiding. Now, while Baek is the heart, there’s probably still some significance to the half of the tree that Chen was looking after, but maybe he resents being left with the less important half? More likely IMO is that if Chen is the spy, it’s similar to Soo’s case, with him not really meaning to be a spy in the first place.

Tbh I dunno. It’s one of those two, or both of them. Either way, this MV is about trying to find out who the spy is, and the RF manipulating them by causing such a dissent.. at least that’s what I got from it. Also there seems to be a race going on judging by Suho with the flag but we need the full version. I’ve watched this MV about 100 times over the past 24 hours and like 10 times in 0.25 speed, the Countdown teasers probably more and I’m still confused so like...yeah. I’ll probably do another post about the others at some point, there’s just so much info haha.

I petition for more EXO in black tracksuits, thanks.

-> Next Part

#EXO #Electric Kiss #EXO Theory #Kpop #EXO Text #MyText #Long Post

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fearofaherobrine · 6 years

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Roleplay Server Log #324

“Craft Stuff, The Analyser, Prince Interview”

-Le time passes- [about a week]

[Yaunfen] Is playing with a bunch of random items on a crafting table while Doc organizes the haul from the craft store. -

[Doc] Look at all this stuff.... it's amazing. - Xe's leafing through a small stack of scrapbooking papers with pretty designs.

[Deer] - It really is pretty, is it just fancy paper?

[Doc] Yeah. I don't know what it's for but I love it. And I found something amazing - Xe picks up several tiny vials and turns them in the light, making them sparkle. - I'm almost scared to open them.

[Deer] - Ooooh, that is so shiny

[Doc] And so tiny. They're not even whole pixels and don't have any depth but they look like jewels?

[Deer] - What is it called?

[Doc] I can't read them now, but I think it's called litter?

[Deer] - Litter? Hmmm, maybe we could ask Lie what it's for

[Doc] In the meantime it's shiny though. And look at these. - Xe holds out a bunch of paintbrushes - If I add water to the dye blobs I should be able to kinda draw with them.

[Deer] - That's so neat!

[Doc] I'm going to copy them and give some to Alexsezia. As much as she loves to paint with dye, I think she'll be thrilled. And I got this bottle of white sticky stuff, and some yarn that's different colors in one ball.

[Deer] - That's so cool!

[Yaunfen] Whoah! I made a thing! - Runs over to show them - It looks like a much less fancy command block - But I lost one of your skeletons and a scrap of something stone doing it... sorry mada...

[Deer] - You made that?

[Doc] It's okay... but what is it?

[Yaunfen] Yeah! With iron. But I don't know what it is...

[Deer] - Hmmm, it's seems more up your alley love

[Doc] Well drop it down kiddo, lets have a look.

[Yaunfen] Places the block next to the table which is still piled up with random stuff. - So much shiny stuff!

[Deer] - Yes, Mada found a lot of new stuff while out with you, didn't they?

[Yaunfen] Uh huh! What's this? It smells nice. - Turns over a squared off tube with a bit of sting in one end.

[Doc] It's got a spot to put stuff in and get something out....?

[Deer] - I'm not sure...

[Doc] Looks over - Oh! It's a wax thing. I think you're supposed to burn it? I just grabbed it because of the smell. - It smells like nice apples and cinnamon.

[Deer] - You should make a copy and then we can try it

[Doc] Oh absolutely! But I'm rather intrigued by the mystery at hand...

[Deer] - Maybe it's a real world thing? Should we ask Lie over?

[Yaunfen] Yeah! Then we can show her this stuff too!

[Doc] It is a pretty nice haul.

[Deer] Types into chat- Hey Lie? Could you come over?

[Lie] - Sure, just give me a couple of minutes

[Yaunfen] Is subtly wiggling the cork out of one of the sparkly bottles-

[Doc] Thank you love.

[Lie] Arrives after a couple of minutes wearing looser clothes than usual- Hey, what did you need me for?

[Doc] Yaunfen made something odd and we're not sure what it is. Plus I got to go to a 'craft' store and picked up all this neat stuff. I don't know what all of it is either actually...

[Lie] - Ah, so explanation time, got it

[Yaunfen] Manages to get the cork off and spills sparkly rainbow glitter all over the table and Deerhearts pants - Fuck! I spilled the litter!

[Lie] Looks at the sparkly mess- You... Bought glitter?

[Deer] - Is that what it's called?

[Doc] Darn it...

[Yaunfen] Is trying to scoop it back into the little container but it's suprisingly resiliant once it's flat on something.

[Doc] Is that bad? It's really pretty.

[Lie] - It tends to get everywhere and it's difficult to clean up...

[Doc] I can see that.

[Yaunfen] Huffs at the glitter-

[Lie] - So what else did you buy Doc?

[Deer] Motions towards the table-

[Doc] Tries to help Yaunfen - Little stuff... - there's some glass beads, buttons on cards, a sack of feathers that have clearly been dyed garish colors, and a ball of skinny black string.

[Lie] Starts picking up some things- Well, this is a candle, and it looks like you picked up some scrapbooking paper

[Doc] I like this one - points to one with a marbled design. - whats scrapbooking?

[Lie] - An activity for people with way to much time and money. Basically putting a lot of photo's into books

[Doc] That's a decent idea. I do have a lot of screenshots. And the kan-dle?

[Lie] - You burn them

[Doc] I thought so! Hey... can I have a flower? Something really complicated. Just a copy though in case I wreck it.

[Lie] - A complicated flower? Ummm...

-After a moment she spawns a cold flower-

[Doc] Okay... lets just put it in here and see what happens.

[Yaunfen] has given up on the glitter and glares at it a bit before turning to Deerheart- Mama! Your pants are all sparkly!

[Deer] Looks down and then laughs- I guess your right! And so are your hands!

[Yaunfen] Turns their hands around in the light, making little rainbows. - Litter is messy! But pretty.

[Doc] Watches the block for a moment and then - Umm... well then. This is what came out. - Xe lays a rather normal looking white flower, a snowball and what's obviously a doily in front of Lie. - Xe points at the flat thing- what is that? It's weird.

[Lie] - A doily, it's meant to put on tables under vases and other decorative things, or stand alone... Did you just deconstruct my flower?

[Doc] I think so... Whatever this is, it looks like it's made to take things apart?

[Yaunfen] Did I do good?

[Doc] Yes. Congrats Yaunfen, this is really unusual.

[Lie] - Weird...

[Deer] - So are you having a comfy day Lie?

[Lie] - Hm? Yeah, felt a little bloated earlier so I'm just wearing loose stuff today...

[Yaunfen] Is now looking for something else they can take apart. - Can we put more stuff in it?

[Doc] Did you eat something with mushrooms in it? I understand they can be a bit gassy.

[Lie] - No... Not sure why I feel bloated, but I just do

[Deer] - Sure, we can put more stuff in, why don't you go find something to go in

[Yaunfen] Can we have more flowers Lie?

[Lie] - Sure- She spawns an oil flower, a love blossom, and a couple lightning berries

[Doc] Feeds them into the machine and waits fascinated before bringing the results back to her- The oil flower gave us a regular flower and a glob... it's like a really smelly slimeball? Think I'll put this in a bowl, it could make a mess otherwise.

[Yaunfen] Let me help! -Imitating Doc's analytical tone- The love blossom gave us a flower and a... mada it's a heart!

[Doc] Let me see that!

[Lie] Moves closer to look at it as well-

[Deer] - A heart?

[Doc] Squeezes it gently - Oh good. It's not actually a heart, it's soft. I think it might be red wool. Like a little pillow.

[Deer] - Yaunfen, do you want the plush heart?

[Yaunfen] Yes please! - They take it and give it a little squeeze. - What's in the last one?

[Doc] Pulls the vine from the machine, and it releases the tiniest cloud that floats like a soap bubble towards the ceiling. - Hmmm... and there's this - Xe takes out a fuzzy little ball of statick.

[Lie] - Appropriate

[Yaunfen] bumps into one of the skeletons and it pops away- Fuck. Wait, can we put this in?

[Doc] Maybe?

[Lie] - Let's see what happens

[Doc] Puts the bones in and watches it warily- It's doing something.

[Yaunfen] Walks over to Lie- Can I have a hug aunt Lie?

[Lie] - Absolutely- She holds her arms open to the dragon

[Yaunfen] Gives her a nice hug but also gets glitter on her- Sorry you don't feel good. You should get mada to fix you up all better!

[Lie] - There's no need for that, it will pass on it's own

[Doc] Lie? What's a Quagga?

[Yaunfen] If you're sure...

[Lie] - A quagga? I... I'm not sure...

[Doc] Then what is D.N.A.?

[Lie] - It's the building blocks for all life

[Doc] So it's an NPC model?

[Lie] - I don't know...

[Doc] Cradles the small golden sphere where she can see it. It has a small outline inside that looks vaguely horselike.

[Deer] - It doesn't look human

[Lie] - More like horse...

[Yaunfen] Is it an egg?

[Doc] I don't think so?

[Deer] - May I see it?

[Doc] Passes it gingerly to her. It's heavy and glassy.

[Deer] Frowns a little- It's missing something...

[Doc] Lie what can humans do with DNA?

[Lie] - Research... Cloning...

[Doc] What's cloning?

[Lie] - Recreating the original creature from their dna

[Yaunfen] Has climbed the stairs to get a better look at the tiny cloud-

[Doc] That sounds like a big clue... hey... I wonder if... Oh, I'm dumb! Maybe it's like when I made my irl body from that bit of you and Cp? This is the seed? Sort of?

[Lie] - Yeah, kinda

[Doc] So it needs something else... but what? Just a container?

[Lie] - Something to cultivate it?

[Deer] - This just feels... Like it belongs on a different seed...

[Doc] Well the bones came from TLOT's seed.

[Lie] - So maybe theres more clues there?

[Yaunfen] Pokes the cloud with a stick and it starts to rain in a very small area - Hehe! Look at this!

[Doc] Snorts -That problem I can fix- Xe gets a bucket and puts it under the downpour-

[Deer] - This is quite the mystery...

[MA] -Poking around the castle, and peaks in on them, leaning on his usual staff- What's a mystery?

-There's the tinest rumble of thunder from the bitty cloud.

[Doc] That's adorable, oh hey Ma!

[Yaunfen] Hi Alex!

[MA] -Moves to join them, eyeing the cloud with amusement- Did one of the clouds have a kid?

[Doc] Yaunfen made a block that takes things apart! It was part of one of Lie's flowers!

[MA] Oh really? Lie's flowers are sometimes made of clouds? How amazing! What else have you taken apart?

[Deer] - One of the fossils we found on TLOT's seed, it made this- She shows the DNA

[MA] Oh hey, DNA. Have you seen what it makes yet?

[Doc] Points to the doily, snowball and oily ball on the table- Just several flowers and a bunch of bones so far. And the item tag says it's a Quagga?

[MA] Quagga... Quagga... Not ringing a bell... Have you tried cultivating it?

[Deer] - Cultivating?

[Doc] That's a good word. What does it mean?

[MA] Not a clue.

[MA] I'm gonna guess you don't have a cultivator though.. Give me a second and I'll make you one. -He goes to the nearest crafting table and gets to work-

[Lie] Sits on the stairs-

[Yuanfen] Is watching fascinated-

[Ma] ... Shit. I don't have a water bucket. ... Can I use the one you've got under the cloud? -Steps back from the table-

[Deer] - Sure- She takes the bucket and hands it to MA

[MA] Thanks. -He resumes crafting and soon has a green tinted glass block looking thing held in his arms- Is there anywhere I can put this that it's penned in? I doubt it'll derp out, but sometimes It does and produces.. weird things.

[Doc] Do you need anything else?

[MA] A milk bucket.

[Yaunfen] I have milk! Cookies too!

[Doc] Derp out how?

[MA] Just a milk bucket, but I bet cookies would work in a pinch too.

[Yaunfen] Gives the milk bucket and three cookies to Ma

[MA] Sometimes when it's cultivating it might spew things out and you have to destroy it to start again, or it explodes and releases a monster or a Failure Flower. Never know what you'll get though.

[Doc] That sounds dangerous... And fascinating... - Xe's getting that look again

[Lie] Looks at Deer- We know that look

[Deer] - Yes we do

[MA] So, where can I put it?

[Doc] We'll just.... Let's take over one of the recovery rooms. No one is using the one by the blaze cage and we can easily make it bigger,

[MA] Fair enough. I'll need the DNA too. -Starts toward said room-

[Deer] Follows with the DNA-

[MA] -Sets the block on the far side of the room from the door and pops the milk in before taking the DNA- Here's to it not exploding. -He puts it in too and a small embryo shape forms inside the cultivator-

[Doc] Has followed them in and is watching closely- so it was iron, water bucket, glass and...?- Xe's obviously making notes

[MA] Cactus. Uh... Green dye.

-The cultivator chugs away at it's task-

[Yaunfen] There's a little creature inside!

[MA] Well, it's far enough along, I don't think we have to worry about it derping...

[MA] It's a baby.

[Lie] - This is so cool

[MA] I thought so the first time too.

-He's checking on the progress periodically-

[Deer] - I wonder what a quagga is?

[Doc] First time Ma? Is this a normal thing for you? [Yaunfen] We're gonna make a baby?!

[MA] I found out on accident once, fuckin' around at a crafting table. We didn't have fossils or anything to use but we did have amber with little insects inside. NK handled turning it into DNA and I'd put it in. It was mostly Thorntails though. Got a few Lightfoot and one Redeye once. That was a fun time...

-Cultivator ceases it's chugging-

[Ma] Oh, It's done... Huh... Never seen it as one of these.... -He pulls a syringe with a tag on it that has something similar to a horse on it- Uhhhh....

[Deer] - What do we do with that?

[MA] I'm... Not completely sure. I'm used to it giving me eggs. Any ideas? -Turning syringe over in hands-

[Doc] I see a syringe and a tag with a horse, so... I say we click it on a horse.

[Lie] Sighs- I guess that means you want me to take it?

[MA] -Holds the syringe out to Lie- If you'd kindly.

[Doc] Only if I can go with. I want to see what it does!

[Yaunfen] Me too!

[Lie] - Alright, I've got Beau up in your pen. I'll meet you at my place?- She takes the syringe and puts it in her inventory

[Doc] I may beat you there! Come on guys, lets go!

[Deer] Giggles- Are you coming MA?

[Lie] Heads for the pen-

[MA] Why not, I'm interested.

[Doc] Is as giddy as a child and races Yaunfen to the outside door-

[Yaunfen] Shifts immediately and barrels ahead -

[Deer] Follows happily, making sure not to lose MA-

[Lie] Is already getting on Beau-

[MA] -Walks after them, humming the whole way-

[Yaunfen] Grabs Deerheart and puts her on hir back before prancing forward- Too slow mama!

[Doc] Makes an effort to just run as xe is-

[Deer] Laughs- Well this is a first!

[Lie] Heads for her place-

[Yaunfen] Corners really well and zooms under Lie's bridge while the others are falling behind-

[Lie] Is the next to show up because she was riding- You've gotten fast Yaunfen

[Yaunfen] Happy giggle-

[Doc] Shows up next - Yeah... you have gotten fast...

[MA] -The last to arrive- Everyone's gotta go fast I see.

[Doc] We're just excited by the thrill of discovery.

[Lie] - Let me go grab one of the horses from out back- In a couple minutes she's returned with a chestnut horse

[Yaunfen] Hi horsie!

[MA] Horses are so odd when you're used to dinosaurs.

[Deer] - I suppose they would be

[Doc] You must have a very interesting seed.

[MA] Faster than the Earthwalkers, but no strength. You don't know true power until you've destroyed a wall on one.... Same with the mammoths.....

[Lie] Pulls out the syringe and talks soothingly to the horses before poking it-

[CP] Is watching from the bridge of the house-

[Doc] Well we do have mammoths. They're pretty cool.

[MA] Flying with a Cloud Runner is the best though. When they're friendly.

[Deer] Turns her head towards the cage, her eyes narrowing a little-

[Doc] Is examining the horse curiously-

[Yaunfen] Mama?

[Deer] -Hm? Yes?

[Yaunfen] Their flowy whiskers are twitching like little antenna and their eyes are super focused - I have an idea... for a block....

[Deer] - What is it?

[Yaunfen] You know how you get arrowheads from gravel sometimes?

[Deer] - Yes, of course

[Yaunfen] What if we had a sift-y thingie block? with metal bars at the top to get stuff out of blocks?

[Doc] Is listening now- That's clever...

[Deer] - Hmm, that's not a bad idea. Maybe we should talk to uncle TLOT about helping us with that and surprise Mada with it

[Yaunfen] Okay mama. - big smile- Is the horsie gonna have a baby?

[Deer] - I think so...

[MA] -Sits down on the ground and pulls a paper and quill out, sketching quietly-

-The horse starts getting a bit agitated-

[Lie] - Easy now

[Doc] Is watching the horse but sneaks a look at Ma's drawing too-

[Ma] -He's sketching the horse on the corner of the page. It's pretty accurate. Lie's making her way into the sketch too, since she's by the horse. There's some small lightfeet on other parts of the paper too. One big Redeye takes up the center of the page though.-

-Rather suddenly, there's a strange little horse next to the one Lie is holding-

[Lie] - Well then...

[Doc] Awww! It's so cute!

[Yaunfen] It's tiny!

[Lie] - And definitely not a normal horse

[MA] That's so teeny.

[Doc] So a quagga is kind of a horse thing? And good drawing Ma! What the big dragon in the middle?

[MA] It's a Redeye. You have a skeleton of one in your castle.

[Yanfen] We made a baby horse!

[Lie] - I'll make a separate pen for these two so we can keep an eye on them

[Deer] - Yeah, we did

[Doc] Oh! I didn't recognize it with skin on it! Haha. Here let me have a look at it-

[MA] Haha yeah, when you add skin and everything else, a lot of dinosaurs look different. -He lets Doc take a look at it, a bit of a flush on his cheeks. He's not used to people admiring his art.-

[Doc] Very nice! But we really should check on the little one, come on!

[Lie] Holds the parent horse in place, the quagga nervously moving around but staying close to it's parent-

[MA] -Pockets his stuff before getting up, using his staff to leverage himself.-

[Deer] - It's adorable Lie

[Doc] Examines them as Yaunfen creeps closer with Deerheart still on hir back. - It's Minecraft code but it's not native... it feels like mod code?

[Lie] - Well TLOT's seed is modded...

[Doc] Yeah but this isn't his seed. Though the fossil was from it.... hmm...

[Deer] - I feel like something is leaking from the cage...

[Doc] Is it bad?

[Deer] - No, just... Feel a little weird

[MA] More and more things from TLOT's seed are so similar to mine...

[Doc] Well if it means we have a sort of expert, then what you know may prove very valuable.

[Lie] - Well, I'm going to put mom and baby away for now

[Doc] Looks around and then waves to Cp-

[Yaunfen] Looks where they're looking- Hi big fire!

[CP] - Fuck off

[Lie] Leads the horse and quagga off-

[MA] I believe the King actually survived whatever happened on our seed... You'd get a kick out of the big guy I bet.... -Fond sigh-

[Doc] As in; I'd think he was cool looking? Or he's actually a good conversationalist?

[MA] Cool looking. He was sort of a prick usually. He tried to kill Mix once so I couldn't let him near her anymore. Dick.

[Doc] Why did he try to kill her? Did she just get in his way or offend him or something?

[MA] Kind of both? I guess now that I think about it... The Redeyes must have known Mix was... used to be? Stev. I guess Stev must have been close friends with the Redeyes. The King wasn't having any of that himself, though.

[Doc] I guess he just doesn't like non-dinos? Wait, how did Stev charm them?

[MA] No, no... He tolerated us if we kept our distance....

[Ma] No clue. Stev was before I was made. I didn't know about him until this server.

[MA] I should ask, though.

[Doc] I should probably talk to Stev anyway. So what's new with your group?

[MA] Uhhh.... I think they were going to put Prince together? They came by for his bits, didn't see them after, I finished practicing and went to sleep... Mix has been pretty moody too.

[Doc] Oh dear, maybe I need to check on Mix... I know she has that crystal thing... and who's Prince?

[MA] Our Notch.

[Doc] They're reassembling a NOTCH?!?

[Deerheart] Little indrawn breath-

[Yaunfen] Good NOTCH like Buff? I hope?!

[MA] -A bit startled look- ....Ssssssuuurrrreeeee?

[Doc] Is already typing in the chat- Mix?! Are you okay?! Forget it, I'm coming over anyway! What's this about rebuilding a NOTCH?!

[Mix] -In chat- You're really late to the party, Doc. That was a bit ago. And yes, I'm fine? What's the worry about?

[Yaunfen] Little whimper.

[Doc] Please take Deerheart home sweetie. Stay inside.

[Yaunfen] Yes mada... be safe please...

[Doc] chat- Nobody told me!

[Mix] -In chat- Oh! Okay, I can see the worry. It's fine, but you can still come over if you want?

[MA] Sorry about not telling you? I didn't think it was a big deal.

[Doc] It's a NOTCH, they can be dangerous and several of the brines are terrified of them. I don't want them just popping in without supervision.

[Yaunfen] Is already trotting back to the castle with Deerheart-

[MA] I can't think of being scared of a blind man... But hey, fears are odd.

[Doc] Is kind of dragging Ma along- I'm still suspicious.

[MA] Understandable, in your case. But I bet everything is fine. -Being dragged and partially walking-

[Doc] I want to meet them at least and you said Mix was behaving strangely- Some Testificates stop to watch as they pass the village

[MA] -Glances at the testificates as they pass by- She's mostly a grumpy grump.

[Doc] I wonder why...

[Celine] Does a tight circle around them as they get closer to Mb's house- Whatcha doing?

[Doc] Hey Celine, just going visiting.

[Ma] Wanna come with? Not a clue. Maybe someone pissed her off.

[Celine] Master is napping, so okay. - Flaps along.

[Doc] We might have to get wet...

[Celine] Water is okay.

[MA] You're water resistant just Like Mix's, aren't ya?

[Celine] Yah! Can't swim good though.

[Doc] Well you're not really built for it.

[MA] Tape some fins to yourself and you'd be real good. God, those were fun days.

[Celine] What's tape?

[Doc] Chuckles and holds up an arm like a falconer -

[Celine] tries to land on hir and ends up upside down and hanging.

[Doc] Almost tips over- Do you sleep hanging down kiddo?

[Celine] Sometimes!

-The gym comes into view and they skirt around it-

[Doc] She really did build far out didn't she?

[MA] My house is right here. -Gestures at a sand dune as they pass by.-

[Doc] Ah, just doing a small build since you get around a lot? Or is it one of those underground base things with just a bit on the top?

[MA] Underground. The Library is the biggest part, mainly because it reminds me of home. But otherwise it's pretty small.

[Doc] Ah, okay. Always good to have lots of books.

[Celine] Master is teaching me to read!

[Doc] I was going to ask, and offer if he wasn't.

[MA] And there's her tree and horses. And the Lightfoot napping spot.

-Lightfeet snoozing... all over.-

[Doc] Lots of lightfeet...

[Celine] Are they fluffy headed dragons?

[MA] Roughlyy.... yeah.

[Doc] Gets to the shore - Shall we just jump?

[Celine] We go down there???

[MA] Yeah, best to get it over with -Stows his staff and eyes the water a bit-

[Doc] Okay. - Xe lets Celine down- You don't have too if you don't want too.

[Celine] I can do it!

[Doc] Hops off the edge and just sinks-

[Celine] Flaps up in the air a bit and then dives straight down with her head tucked like a fishing seabird -

[Doc] Opens the gate for her and Ma both-

[MA] -Dives in and swims to Doc-

-Then proceeds to plop onto the ground inside the entrance-

[Celine] Bounces around shaking out her wings- cold water!

[MA] The stairs going down are warm, Kiddo. -He's scooting over to them himself, yanking one fire shard up to his chest-

[Doc] Shakes hirself off a bit and turns up hir glitch to get warm -

[Celine] Flops on the steps with her wings spread and dries out-

[Doc] calls out a bit - Mix?

-Cluck cluck-

[Celine] Chicken? -

[Benny] -Staring up at them from the bottom of the stairs. He's got the door propped open with his body-

[MA] It's the creepy bird. -Suspicious squint at Benny-

[Benny] -Beady eyed stare back-

[Celine] Butt wiggle and her spiky tail thumps against the wall-

[Doc] He is a bit intense....

[Benny] -Cluck cluck. Leans back into the house and the door shuts-

[Celine] Rude.

[Doc] Knocks on the door-

[NK] Come in!

[Doc] Squeaks the door open, xe's foot shuffling in case Benny is there to be tripped over.

[Celine] Scuttles in, looking around-

-The first room just has NK laying on his side with Stev curled up to him on the patch of floor with blankets everywhere. They didn't bother with a bed. Benny is currently trying to nest himself between them-

[Doc] Aww, did we wake you? I'm sorry. And if you guys need beds I can make you some easy....

[Celine] I wanna play with the birdie!

[NK] We don't need one, it's fine Doctor. And if you touch the bird you'll annoy Mix. She's downstairs if that's who you're looking for.

-bzzzz. -

[Doc] Notes the noise with a small smile- Ah, understood. - Xe starts heading that way-

[Celine] Awww....

[Ma] - squints at them before following Doc-

[Doc] Is just looking around- Mix?

-The library is empty but the garden in the next is full of motion and cursing -

[Mix] Huh-- yessss Doc?

[Celine] Bounces over to her-HIIIII!

[Doc]Mix? What are you doing?

[Mix] I had an idea based on the durability of a new set of shards! Trying to make armor. What are you doing? -small bang as she hits a plate of dark crystal with an axe, watching the reaction. -

[Doc] Checking on you. What's the story on this NOTCH? Who's is he?

[Celine] Oooh pretty!

[Mix] Prince? Brother figure for me, I'm glad he's back. He's resting in the next room right now... You like it kiddo? I can make you some if you want?

[Doc] I need to know what he's capable of, and I presume you're taking responsibility for him?

[Celine] Can I have a little shiny?

[Mix] A little shiny for you. - she awkwardly smooths a piece off and hands it to Celine - He fights a lot, but the energy here is different so he might not. And no, I'm making Stev be responsible for him.

[Doc] Can Stev control him somehow? He's just human isn't he?

[Celine] Takes the piece in her wing claws and turns it over and over- So pretty! Thank you mis Mix!

[Mix] He got along better than I did with him. I can calm him down, but Stev can keep him calm. I'm glad you like it! It's really tough! So you can drop it lots of times and not worry!

[MA] You and your building.

[Mix] Powers.. Uhhhh.... lightning, magic too. I'm not fully sure if he can see here or not. He could sort of... Kind of see? But he bumps things a lot.

[Doc] Does he... need repairs?

[Celine] Goes to peek in the room Prince is in-

[Mix & MA, in unison - He's always been blind.

-Prince is in a small hammock looking thing in a corner. The swoosher is nearby for ease. Its hard to tell if he's asleep. -

[Celine] Sneaky sneak-

[Doc] Oh.... okay, and the magic?

[Prince] - shifts his weight in the hammock, getting a slight swing going -

[MA] Like mine. All seed exclusive abilities and stuff, and some other nonsense.

[Mix] Basically.

[Doc] Hmmm

[Celine] Lifts hir head up to sniff the lowest part of the hammock and accidently makes a tear in it with the unicorn-like horn on her brow, She jumps at the ripping noise and pokes Prince in the butt cheek with it-

[Prince]... This is not the weirdest way to wake up. -He manages to hook the swoosher and waves it around to try and shoo away the tiny creature -

[Celine] Yipes and skitters- No hit!

[Doc] Rushes in because of the noise- What the nether?

[Prince] Then don't poke me in the ass! -waves swisher more as he swings himself into a sitting position in the hammock -

[Celine] Scurries over to Doc and sticks her tongue out at Prince- PPPPTH! Meanie!

[Doc] Umm?

[Prince] Bah. I've barely begun to be mean. - He feels the hammock, searching for the rip while staring straight ahead. Toward the new arrivals. -

[MA] The kid poked him apparently.

[Doc] I'm sure it wasn't intentional. And since you presumably can't see her, she's a young dragon with a rather prominent horn on her snout.

[Prince] Oh boy, company! - frown, he's found the rip and is rubbing his fingers over its surface. - A horn on its nose, huh?

[Doc] Her nose.

[Celine] Scrambles up on Doc's back and peeks over hir shoulder-

[Doc] Oooch, careful with the claws sweetie.

[Celine] Sorry....

[Doc] I take it you're Prince? I'm Doc. Head admin.

[Prince] The dragon has an identity? Interesting. -He smooths his fingers over the rip in the hammock and the material stitches itself back together- Pleased to meet you, Doc. To what do I owe this visit?

[Celine] of course I have an idemniyty! I'm Celine!

[Doc] Well as I said I'm the head admin, and I'm at least somewhat responsible for the safety of everyone here. Consider it an interview. Tell me about yourself and I'll field any questions you might have.

[Prince] I'm old, grumpy and blind, as Mix says. I'm still very confused on what exactly has happened for me to be alive and in one piece again....

[Doc] Chuckles- well at least that's honest. We have several grumpy Herobrines so as long as your not prone to picking fights that should be okay. As for old, the server is set for respawn as default so it's not a bad place for old peeps either. And I'm not sure what happened either. Usually if someone is being brought back to life it was my project and or idea!

[Celine] Is he gonna get goggles like Ashe?

[Doc] If he wants them, I suppose?

[Prince] Oh no, being brought back to life isn't uncommon... It's actually quite normal. We have something quite similar to the.. respawn design. It's just.. I should not have had enough parts for it to work, is all. -His hand unconsciously comes up to touch the gold ingot in his chest- What are goggles?

[Doc] They're little panes of glass you wear over your eyes that correct vision errors. I've actually had quite a bit of experience fixing this stuff. It's sort of a rendering issue. Like a local chunk error. You can touch because you're actually here, unlike a player using an avatar, but the world isn't loading properly for you. Ashe has goggles specifically because he can fly and they protect his eyes, but glasses are more normal for people. They have bits that curve over your ears instead of a strap that goes around your head. As for the parts...? I don't know.

[Prince] So.. fancy glasses for active people, essentially? I suppose if they keep them on your face... It will help me see? I am.. Interested, I guess.

[Mix] -Looming in the door and totally didn't spook Prince into being compliant, nope.-

[Doc] Do you mind if I do a quick scan and get back to you? - Xe pulls out hir command block-

[Prince] A Scan? I.. Don't think so. What do you need me to do?

[Doc] You'd just put your hand on my computer so I can look at your code and see what you need.

[Celine] Sniffs the command block- Blinky block!

[Prince] -Slightly blunt expression toward Doc-

[Doc] If you don't want me too it's fine. I'm just offering.

[Prince] -Thoughtful look, head tilting toward door and looming Mix- ... I don't have a problem with it, I guess. Where do I put my hand?

[Doc] Plunks the block down in front of him, the edge is just touching the toes of one foot. - Just reach straight down

[Prince] -Puts one hand on the block, it's not quite centered, but it'll do.- That good?

[Doc] That will do just fine- xe pulls up the display and there's a bit of whirring as xe finds the ocular files and makes a copy of the relevant material- Perfect. Could you come and visit me, say tomorrow afternoon? All your housemates know where I live.

[Prince] Sure... ... -furrows brow a bit before sighing- And would you happen to know what that glowing is? It's really been annoying me. -He's staring off at a wall, up toward the ceiling.- I can probably check it out then too... -Voice trails off-

[Doc] What can you see that glows usually?

[Prince] Magic. I'm more acquainted with my seeds,-He gestures toward Mix- But there's a particularly bright spot of it up there....

[Doc] Is it moving around?

[Mb] in chat- WHERE THE FUCK IS MY DRAGON?!?!??

[Doc] Whoops!

[Doc] typing- I have her Mb, she's okay.

[Mb] WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE HER?! BRING HER BACK RIGHT NOW!!!

[Doc] Sheesh.... it's been nice meeting you Prince, but I gotta go. The kids dad is having a fit because she wandered off.

[Prince] See you later then, Doc.

[Mix] - ceases her looming in the doorway so they can go -

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alannahaisling · 3 years

Text

The day I slipped into a Panic and anxiety attack.

This, this is going to be long winded.

I'm just going to come out and say it. No, I don't want sympathy. This is just me using this particular blog for what it was meant for. A space for me to vent, to be my authentic self. To reflect, to just let things spill out from my mind through my fingers and onto the screen on which you may be reading this.

First things first. The Icons I'll be using here are not rp muns, they are simply my emotions on display. My IRL self as displayed by characters I adore from the Teen Titans fandom.

Ooookay lets get down it.

I help moderate a stream, have been doing it for a while. I became fast friends with the streamer and pull long hours. Roughly 4-5 hours per stream, unless I have class the next day.

To my knowledge, nobody ever had an issue with me. Save the odd person here or there, that may have disagreed with me, but at least they would tell me to my face, and I would shrug it off and move on. It was as simple as that.

My friend, who I love to death, has on more than one occasion had to reassure me that I was actually doing a good job. I lost count how many times I asked if I needed to improve, or if there were any rough areas that may need to change.

A good chunk of the time, they would just kinda raise their voice, and be like. "Damnit, you're good. You're fine." and then try to cheer me up with silly cat pictures. My ultimate kryptonite.

This friend of mine has worked with me for a few years now, talking about deep heavy personal stuff. They know I am medically diagnosed with ptsd, social anxiety, and have been dealing with depression for years. So they're not a stranger to my triggers and I love them for respecting when I need to just be alone, or only want some quality time one on one for a few hours. You hear that you knucklehead? Yeah you, I know you at least read this shit.

Moving on.

On friday, we had a.. bad night of it. Not even an hour in, after happily gathering folks who wanted to play the chosen game with us that night, someone. Who I will call 2P, dumped a huge paragraph, attacking my character and personality as a mod, in my friends private discord DMS.

2P for months, had been telling me to my face, that they saw me as a best friend, that anything I ever said and or did would be safe to do. You know the whole, you can trust me bit. I blindly trusted, and hind sight maybe I shouldn't have.

Meanwhile the entire time, I apparently had been talked about behind my back, negatively for a while? I don't know.

So we paused the stream, and go into another server that's locked down to a limited set of people and discuss it. Friend is, PISSED, but is trying to not yell, and asks me what we should do about it.

In my head I'm just reeling. I'm asking my friend, if I'm a bad mod, if I've fucked up somewhere, I'm totally confused. I can't concentrate, and there's this choking hurt in my chest. One I know all too well.

The feeling of dread. The feeling that I messed up, that I'm useless, and a fraud.

My friend is trying hard to make sure I'm okay, by this point they know, this has fucked with my head. In a huge way. 17- going on 18 years of therapy suddenly going down the drain, spiralling out of control.

They Cut the stream short.

I'm exhausted, tired, feeling beaten. I just say a few things to 2P and leave their discord server, kick them from my private one, and from the one I made for my streamer friend for the game we play with other people. In addition, also a possible person who may cause me issues, because 2P's probably been shit talking me for a few months now.

Friend is arguing on my behalf, another mutual and their friend, instantly demands to get in call. We'll call them... Uh.. Fuck, Tataru , and Estinien for sake of ease. Tataru is having none of it, they are witnessing my typed anxieties. They are hearing our mutual friend, trying very hard to not just *yell*.

2P is dropping the nasty paragraph in other dms now, belonging to other regulars. It's escalating pretty fast. I am now a villain, and a victim in one role, and 2P is also playing the role of victim because my dearest friend just told 2P Off.

"2P, isn't getting it!" My friend is saying with a calm anger. "2P is just constantly going on and on about how (my name) is bad for the stream." Or something to that effect. "They don't even fucking realize how fucking hurtful they are being."

"You need to stop responding." Tataru is saying. "Just, tell the mother fucker, NO and block 2P on everything."

I guess 2P is quickly realizing that they are losing the fight, so they come into my dms. Shit forgot to block them there. I think in my head, and I see them trying to bring the argument to me. They tell me, that I'm handling the situation all wrong.

I don't even respond. I'm tired. I'm just done. I'm mentally slipping back to the days I was mentally and emotionally abused, and gaslit.

GASLIT.

GASLIT!

I block 2P. For my mental health.

Estinien with their calming voice, is outlining streamer etiquette rules. 2P is definitely out of line, as a viewer. If we want, Estinien can pretty much hit up a wider streamer network, and have the name of 2P blacklisted from other communities.

By this point, another regular is talking to my friend asking what is going on. Then another. Slowly, I read through logs my friend has dumped into the 4 person private call.

Then I see it.

"I'll just lie through my teeth to her about why I'm leaving or something. Just don't tell (My name) I said any of this. " In regards to the in game guild My friend and I Co Run.

Silently mutter to myself. Not that the others can hear me, my headsets broken. "Ah, the other shoe has dropped. 2P's been lying to me the whole time. I've been gaslit all over again. No wonder I feel like I do."

Estinien and Tataru get sleepy and go to bed. My friend stays up as long as they can as I sort my head out, trying to timeline events. I'm given logs, screen shots. 2P's been blocked. I lock down my twitter for a day. I lose 20 hours sleep.

I spent those 20 hours of no sleep, asking and apologizing to regulars if 2P has ever talked to them about me. Most of them say NO, and reassure me I'm a good mod, that I make the stream warm, fun, welcoming and comfortable for all kinds of people.

A good friend of mine, who I will ironically call Angellica, because we call each other sis, and I view myself as Eliza from Hamilton. Once had told me to be careful with 2P from the start, because they had a bad vibe about them, is PISSED off, and yeets them out of an in game group chat. "Fuck em, 2P's a troll."

I realize, that Angellica literally stood by and chose my happiness. Cause yeah, I thought 2P was someone I could trust. After what happened though, I realized that I had been mistaken and apologized, To Angellica.

Now 2P is going around seeing who still will consider them friends, or are neutral parties. I was made aware of this because one of them, a mature friend actually asked me what 2P was going on about. So I gave them the run down. They were disgusted with 2P's behavior.

Now a days, 2P takes screen shots of anybody on twitter, that has blocked them and smears their names.

2P still doesn't get it.

But I'm moving on from it.

I have screenshots and logs. But I don't ever plan on releasing them publicly.

So yeah, 2P if you ever come across this, and figure out I'm talking about you, I severed ties with you, because friends don't lie to each other, Friends don't talk behind each others backs, they don't force other good close friends to sit on the *truth* of how you feel. Friends can disagree, and can have different opinions.

But You burned your bridges yourself.

I've always had a three strike ruleset.

One: You lied to my face multiple times.

Two: You pretended to be my friend.

Three: You actively gaslit me, and my friend.

Sooo THAT'S why I cut ties with you. Your behavior after that was just you playing the victim, and none of us 30 plus year olds were just going to sit by and let you have your 20 something year old tantrum.

I bare you no ill will, and I doubt any of us are going to even blast you in an open space like twitter releasing the logs or screen shots. I'm just noping out of this parasocial relationship because that's all it was. I refuse to be used, as a way for people to get close to and use my friend as they work on their passions and goals.

Adieu 2P , nothing was lost the day I walked away, except all the work my friend did to get me out of my isolated shell. But you know what? They'll just pull me back out, and support me 100% You'll never break us up.

#Mental health #STORY TIME

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dayo488 · 3 years

Text

fic writer asks

Tagged by @burninghoneyatdusk and @bookwormforalways ❤

Name(s)?

dayo488 (tumblr, ao3, and twitter - though I don’t use twitter for fandom stuff much, since it’s also connected to my IRL friends too)

Fandom(s)?

I’ve only posted the100 fic so far, but I’ve got a QotS one-shot (like 1500 words) in my folder that I haven’t posted yet.

Where you post? AO3

Most popular multi-chapter (by kudos)?

Stay Here Tonight E-F-L, slow burn, angst, mutual pining Clarke goes with her best friend Wells to a wedding of one of his fellow firefighters, Raven. Come to find out when they get there, that the groom is none other than Clarke's boyfriend of a year, Finn. Stuck with having to blow up Raven's wedding day, Clarke has to deal with the guilt of being the other woman, even if she didn't know, and figuring out how to move on.Surprisingly, the worst day of her life, just might lead to more happiness, family, belonging, and love than she's ever known as she makes friends with some unexpected people. But she has a hard time with one person in particular in her new circle. Bellamy happens to be more stubborn, hardheaded, and protective than anyone she's ever come up against, but she might also see a different, kinder side of him that she never thought he would have.

- It was actually my very first fic and I really didn’t expect people to like it as much as they did. I wrote a lot when I was younger, but drifted away from it until I started this idea. It wouldn’t leave me alone and kept developing in my brain so I wrote it down. And now it’s got almost 900 kudos which is completely mind-blowing to me. But it helped me rediscover my love for writing, so I’m eternally grateful for whatever burst of bravery made me post it. Plus, I made some pretty awesome friends by doing so! And it was nominated in the Bellarke Fic Writer Awards, which is incredible!

Favourite story you’ve written so far?

Moved By You

E-F-L, mutual pining, slow burn, angst, canon universe, kidnapping, hurt/comfort, found family

When Clarke finds out that the Ark cannot sustain oxygen past a year, she, along with 3 other experts in their fields, join the prisoners on a mission to Earth, to find out whether it's survivable in the even they can't fix the oxygen systems. However, one of the other adults with her on the mission betrays her and trades her to a Grounder village. Clarke must figure out where she belongs and who she is as she struggles with what her life looks like now. She finds that she enjoys the people of her village, but still feels torn between the people who want nothing to do with her anymore, and the people who she finds she wants to be with, including the village's leader, who is annoying and pushes all her buttons, but also has a depth to him that she hadn't expected.

- Even though SHT holds a special place in my heart, MBY is my favorite. It stretched me in ways that was exhausting, but SO rewarding. I had to research Trig language and survival techniques and fight sequences and other things that I don’t have knowledge in. But it was SO fun and getting to write the found family portion of it was my absolute fave. There’s a few things I’d redo if I could, but I’m really proud overall of how it turned out.

Fic you were nervous to post?

There’s always a measure of anxiety every time I hit that Post button on all my fics, but actually, my Aladdin four-parter (I Can Show You the World) was probably the one I was most nervous about posting, just because I’d never really done a re-imagining fic before. I had to blend the OC characters and the100 characters and it was a little nerve-wracking. It definitely wasn’t near one of my more popular stories, but that’s okay - it wasn’t really meant to be taken very seriously anyway. I had the idea and wanted to see if I could do it - it was more of writing exercise really. Especially since I didn’t want it to be a musical, but wanted to incorporate the songs anyway. But yeah, I was still really nervous.

How do you choose your titles?

Song lyrics, totally. I have a playlist for each of my fics in my spotify and there’s usually one that I pick specifically that kind of just reminds me of the whole vibe of the fic and I usually pick a favorite line from that.

Do you outline?

Sort of? I have a VERY messy bullet point list for each of my fics of storylines and plot points I want to include, character arcs, character traits, background info, ideas, scenes, even dialogue. But it’s not in any sort of organization lol. I should probably work on that.

Complete works? 3 posted. 2 one-shots not posted

In-progress works? 1 posted. 3 not posted.

Coming soon/not yet started?

I seriously cannot decide which fic to post next since my inspiration and excitement over the 3 multi-chaps I’ve currently got going shifts every day. Here’s the breakdown so far -

- Treasure Hunt AU, tentative title that I don’t want to say just yet since it may change. This is the one I’m leaning towards posting next. Basically, Bellamy is a treasure hunter/authenticator, with Raven as his partner in crime, and Clarke runs the Palace, an art gallery/school that her father opened when he was alive. Bellarke used to be married - a few years before the fic started they met while Bellamy was on a hunt and needed information from Clarke and she joined them and they fell in love. Then they ended up splitting up and hadn’t spoken in years until Bellamy finds a lead on a BIG find that sends him back in Clarke’s orbit. Very angsty, lots of mutual pining, lots of danger, lots of craziness. (That’s a terrible summary - I’ll clean it up before I post it lol)

- We Were Built to Last - Fantasy AU (this started as a Wonder Woman AU, but morphed into something no longer resembling that at all lol). In this one, Clarke grew up a princess on the Island - a place where the women are trained as warriors because when they turn 21, their “gift” (basically a super power) reveals itself, except Clarke, who is apparently the first woman to not have a gift manifest. The men don’t receive gifts either, but no one knows exactly why (and it’d be a huge spoiler to reveal the reason here 😉). Bellarke grew up best friends and when she’s young and wants to start her training, but her mother forbids it, Bellamy helps her learn anyway, with the help of his mother who is the Head Warrior. Anyway, Clarke discovers that her father didn’t die like everyone thought years ago and instead was kidnapped by Queen Nia, an escapee and outcast of the Island for using her gift for death and destruction. Clarke, Bellamy, Octavia, Raven, and Murphy go on a quest to rescue him. It’s a VERY complicated plot with a LOT of world-building so I’m not sure I’m ready to get this one out yet, even though I’m like 5 chapters in.

- Between the Raindrops - Apocalyptic AU loosely based on the show the Rain, though the plot of the fic is VERY different than the actual show. One day, the rain starts falling and whoever it touches, dies. Bellamy and his sister are the children of a brilliant scientist (Aurora) for the company Eligius, who has access to a bunker that they end up staying in for 6 years. When they finally emerge, they are confronted with a world they no longer recognize. And also a traveling group of survivors - whose leader Bellamy doesn’t understand or like (spoiler - it’s Clarke, and they fall in love 😂). I’m actually the farthest in this one - 6 chapters finished, but I’m kind of at a block with it right now.

Prompts?

I’ve got one that I haven’t started, still trying to get the ones above finished first before I dive into any others right now. Real life has been crazy the last few months and it’s all I can do to get I Don’t Want to Dream About You finished first!

Wow that ended up being lengthier than I expected! But it’s very fun to get it all typed out - especially the WIPs I’m super excited about! Thanks for the tags, friends! I love reading your works and being a part of this fandom ❤

I never know who to tag in these, especially since most of you that I would usually tag have already done it (I’m so behind!). You are all an inspiration to me, and I wish all nothing but happiness and inspiration for you in 2021!

#fic writer asks #super long #excited to see what the new year brings #fandom friends #wips

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szopenhauer · 4 years

Text

have you got any brothers or sisters who annoy you? my sister annoys me indeed

as a younger teenager, did you have any older guys/girls hit on you? as a teenager nobody hit on me

would you ever want to be changed into a vampire? doubt it, the only thing that would truly interest me about it is immortality which isn’t actually living forever as even sun can kill you and knowing my luck that would happen fast

does the thought of dying give you cold chills? kinda how many times has someone called you boring, if ever? several times because I don’t travel, I don’t party, I don’t like sports and out of some other reasons has anyone ever told you that you had “so many” months to live? not exactly as a teen, were you trusted to be alone with a boyfriend/girlfriend? as a teen I had no real bf/gf do your parents both have a job? my mom’s retired already are you currently unemployed? if not, what’s your job? I am where do you belong? nowhere?... were you anyone’s first kiss? I was what is the color of your cellular telephone? black what color are your gloves/mittens? I have few pairs when was the last time you listened to the radio; and do you remember which song was the last you heard on there? not counting online radio that I still rarely listen to (usually just during Christmas time, that special playlist on rmf) - years and I don’t remember the last song because I didn’t think it will be the last one and that just made me sad do you think English the hardest language to learn? noooo do you clean under your nails with safety pins? I use toothpicks how long after your shower do you walk around naked, or in your towel, until you decide to get dressed? I get dressed right away does it bother you that so many people start going out like a week or two before valentine’s day, as if it’s just because they don’t want to be alone? that’s really lame, I’m sorry for them what do(es) you(r mom) grow in your garden? lots of stuff what do you think of facial piercings? meh, some are ugly, some are ok did your shoe laces come with your shoes? yeah but they still have zippers as I wouldn’t bother to own shoes with just laces do you have any cds you bought at the concert?. never bought a CD at the concert what does your second oldest sibling do for a living? I have only one sibling and what she does is not your business (pun intended) are there any beanie babies with your birthday? Beanie Boos Carrots - rabbit - style 36031 Julep - monkey - style 36056 Pashun - dog - style 36206 Beanie Babies Bunga Raya - bear - style 4615 - (birth year 2002) Dewi Y Ddraig - dragon - style 46157 - (birth year 2010) D'Vine - monkey - style 40767 - (birth year 2008) Flower - meerkat - style 46155 - (birth year 2010) Niles - camel - style 4284 -(birth year 2000) Peace - bear - style 4053 - (birth year 1996) Peepers - bushbaby - style 40795 - (birth year 2009) TOUR Teddy - bear - style 40347 - (birth year 2006) Teenie Beanie Boppers Terrific Tessa - style 0334 Boppers Lovely Lily - style 0223

what color is your cat? it was all black with yellow eyes

do you own any buddha? nooo, why would I do you know what color hazel really is? .. my eyes? XD what color is your toaster? don’t own one what color is your webcam? white but I don’t use it as I have no mic, I tried to buy one but they never work so I prefer to use my cellphone as a cam instead do you have anything real gold? I think I still own that one tiny item (necklace with the letter Z) and if I do I will probably sell it

Do you own any adult colouring books? those gimme anxiety When was the last time you got some new headphones? mine are about 5 years old

Do you know anyone whose name starts with the letter X? I don’t :o

Name a food that you dislike the texture of. pears

Describe the cover illustration of the book closest to you. it has the Stranger things villain on it behind the room with no. 11

Do you wear a mask when you go to the store? of course, if you don’t - I hate you!

Are you expecting a package right now? am not

What is one thing you hate about summer? mosquitos for an example

Did you go outside today? just our garden

Have you ever received a misdiagnosis from a doctor? yup

Do you have a book that you’ve read multiple times? I never reread books

Do you enjoy babysitting? ugh...

What was your favorite book you had to read for school? I used to like Cierpienia młodego Wertera - that was stupid of me

Have you ever wanted to be a teacher? in pre-school

What’s one childhood dream that has stuck with you? my own apartment

Would you want to re-live your childhood over again if you could? I believe

Which do you like more: being an adult or being a kid? being a kid

Did your parents smoke or drink when you were growing up? nope

Do you enjoy bonfires? they were fine

Have you ever ridden in an ambulence? couple of times

Do you know anyone who used to be loving, but then turned cold? that would be me...

What color are your bedroom walls? green and yellow

Is there an old friend that you miss and would like to reconnect with? I tried...

Have you been bullied? all of my school years basically

Which talent show, if any, would you most like to audition for? I have no talent

Do you feel like time goes by fast, or slow? both slow and fast

Who do you know who has died of cancer? my aunt that I didn’t really know

Have you ever stayed overnight in a hospital, and if so, what for? couple of times, once even almost entire month, long story (stories actually)

Have you ever been so angry you wanted to sue someone? hahaha

Have you ever been a victim of racism? I’m white so not really

Did you go to prom? nah

Are you an aunt or uncle? yep

Do you feel like you are currently in a state of suffering? and that not all of your basic needs are being met? If so, how long have you been in a state of suffering? I’ve always been and it only got worse

Life isn’t fair. True or false? it seems

Name a few people who seem to have everything handed to them. born rich

Do you pray less or more than you did 5 years ago? more

Do you pray a lot? not enough

Have you ever used an epi pen? hope I won’t have to

What was the name of the biggest bully in your high school? HS didn’t have big bullies but for me that was A.L.

How many kids do you want to have? 0

Do you want to get married? hmm...

Best date you’ve been on? dunno

Dream date? *shrug*

Ever kissed someone on New Year’s? never

Have you ever been in so much pain you prayed that you would die? other kind of suffering

Who always tries to stop you whenever you try to go after your dreams? life/world so God I guess

are you in love with llamas? they’re cool

do you like hats? beanies and those winter ones in animal shapes

have you ever had surgery? not yet

do you have an enemy? some I call this way

do you want to save the trees? yes

what size shoe do you wear? 38-39

do you cook? I do not

do you like taking pictures? at times

pink flamingos? cute for the garden :3

do you like spiders? I don’t mind them

do you own an mp3 player? but I don’t use it anymore, not even sure if it still works

why are you hitting yourself? self harm

what’s your mom’s name? personal

what about your dad? same

have you ever won anything? yep

is revenge sweet? in movies might be and sometimes I laugh when ppl get what they deserve, sorry not sorry?

have you ever had someone lie for you so you wouldn’t get in trouble? sort of

who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob

do you like night or day better? night

do you like finding nemo? nooo

plaid or polka dots? why not stripes?

have you ever done yoga? a bit

what posters do you have on your wall? no posters

do you wear dresses a lot? noooo

how many school dances have you been to? all of them besides prom

can you swim? can’t

don’t you just want to mass murder all barbie dolls? why? :o

who was the last person you were under a blanket with? my gf

name something great that happened today? for example - Choices chapters were great

who was the last person’s voice you heard? mom’s

did you speak to your mother today? of course

what color is your hair? naturally dark brown

when was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? online or irl?

how did you wake up this morning? by myself

how many letters are in your last name? 11

do you still talk to the last person you kissed? in general because at this very moment she’s asleep

do you believe that everything happens for a reason? not everything

do you ever pretend to text/talk on the phone when you’re in public? yeah have you ever had spinach? if not, would you ever want to? I ate it before don’t you hate when the wires pop out of your bra and poke you all day? my bra has no wires am i the only one who likes to go grocery shopping? you’re not alone

is anything wrong with your eyes? possibly do you ever write notes on your hand? used to last time you cried? why? I was moved by the game on my cellphone

when is the last time you were in a swimming pool? in middle school have you ever fallen backwards on a chair? I don’t recall what do you feel like watching? nothing atm do you ever try to write with your non-dominant hand? with feet too who makes you laugh the most? my gf and my dad who starred in your last dream? besides me - no one that I know do you regret doing something today? maybe do you think you’re old? I’m not but I often feel like I am are you afraid of the dark? at home only - especially mirrors and windows in the dark are scary

sometimes, do you wish you were someone else? not a particular person have you ever told anyone you were ok when you really weren’t? it’s bad but I did that before do you talk a lot? do I?

which member of your family are you closest to? dad

would you ever apply to be on reality tv? doubt it do you have a hard time letting things go? I guess have you ever struggled with your weight? slightly when you are out with your friends are you loud and outgoing or shy and reserved? depends do you like to stay in your pajamas all day long? whatever in high school did you have a lot of friends? do you still keep in touch? group and not really at what age did you get your period? 13? fuzzy socks: yay or nay? yay

When was the last time you held a puppy? years ago

Was the person that last slept over at your house a boy or girl? girl Who’s name first comes to mind that starts with the letter “P”? Paulina and Patrycja

Do you have any kind of jewelry on at the moment? not at the moment Would you say you use “lol” too often? get used to this!

When was the last time you vacuumed a room? I mop the floor

You can only shop at one store for the rest of your life, what store is it? but food? :o

Have you ever donated to a cause? yup

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hostgalli19 · 4 years

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Markiplier Fluffy Collection - Chapter 10: So Tired

Chapter Summary: Ava was tired. He wanted to sleep but couldn't. Every time he tried someone needed him for something that apparently couldn't wait until he was more rested.

Note: Hello every one, here another story (number 71). I wrote it this morning because I was exhausted and thought of Google for some reason. This is the first in a little Google Centric thing I feel like doing. It doesn't really fit in with Google Malfunctioning and I haven't completely figured things out yet.

I promise I will explain who Ava is at a later date, just not right now. This is my story featuring him and the first I have finished. If I can find the work that inspired this I will add it. The stories buried somewhere in my Bookmarks. Anyway, please enjoy. I haven't edited this story yet, but I will.

Length: 1,418 (4 pages)

Tag list: @wilfordwarfstacheisbae, @matt10nt, @scuttling-thoughtfully, @lamiasluck, @fuckmethomasshelby, @devon-rever-860

Link Ao3

Date: 29/04/20 Time: 4:01 am - 5:05 am

Ava was tried. He wanted to sleep but knew he couldn't. It wouldn't truly be sleep. Not the kind he was used to anyway. It had taken him a long time to get used to having his consciousness spread out over four bodies. There was so much information he could barely handle it or wouldn't have been able to, had he still been human.

The egos truly had no idea just how much work Google did; Bing had some idea as he helped Google manage the workload but that was only a fraction of what Google had to deal with. He could handle multi-tasking because he was an android, but it still took Ava a long time to adjust. It took Ben, Gabriel, Ryan and Oliver had to just as long to get used to Ava being awake.

It was different than when he was unconscious, an unseen but very much felt part of their coding. Now that Ava was awake things had changed. None of the egos had noticed, because it was an internal changed before they could go weeks without charge but now that Ava was awake they charged every two to four days because it was drilled into Ava that they couldn't go 72 hours with sleep.

It wasn't a truly restful sleep. It was only after Ava had woken up did they realise they weren't truly rested. At least one of them was up at all times or some parts of their mind was still active and working on something. For them to be truly rested they all needed to stop working and shut down for a little while which wasn't possible. The idea became a little more plausible when with Beta and his 'brothers' around.

They could never really rest because someone always needed them for something. Ava very rarely took control of any of his four bodies, much preferring to let Ben, Ryan, Gabriel and Oliver go about their days. He only took over when he absolutely needed to. The egos had noticed a slight change in Google's behavior. He would sometimes act a little different.

It took them longer than strictly necessary to figure out it meant Ava was paying closer attention to the conversation then he usually did. Even though they knew about Ava, nothing and everything had changed. They started noticing small things about Google, from the way he moved to the way he spoke and interacted with them had changed. He seemed... more than before Ava had woken up.

To Beta, Google had changed completely. he didn't know what it was about Ava waking up the changed things. Google seemed more complete like something was missing before and no one had realised just how wrong it was until it was no longer there. Google was complete, now. He seemed surer of himself and was far more efficient when going things.

Google had just sat down in the kitchen to have something to eat despite not technically needed to Google still did as that was how he gained some energy, his aura helped turn good and liquids into useful energy he could use. There was a loud CRASH and the light flickered, the temperature dropped and for a few, terrifying seconds, Google looked completely different.

Something out of their nightmares before the lights turned back on. Google was glaring at RJ who had just dropped something. There was something wrong about it. The Google IRL units rarely did things in sync, mostly because it freaked the egos out and because there was usually no need for it. The only times it ever happened was when the four units merged back into Google.

Unlike normal, the IRL units eyes weren't the multi-colored wheel but a dark electric blue. The hairs on the back of their necks stood on end. There was something predatory and dangerous about that look. Dark, Wilford, King, Host, Bim, Ed, Eric, RJ and CJ were suddenly reminded just how powerful Google was, it was something easy to forget, even more since Ava had woken up but Google controlled every part of their lives.

What they did and didn't do, what they did and didn't eat. Power they had given him without really thinking. It was so easy to forget that Google could if he wanted to, easily take over the world. They had come to rely on him for just about everything. All humans did. Without him, they would so very screwed. Google was just so easy to trust. He already controlled everything, something easy to forget.

"I am tried. Very tried. Every time I try to, however, someone always has a problem, apparently needs my immediate attention and can't wait until I'm rested enough to think clearly. I will be completely shut down for the next two weeks. Do NOT wake me up for anything short of a live or death situation. Beta and his 'brothers' will take over in time. Do you understand?" Google demanded, his voice sending shivers down their spines.

They didn't have a choice in the matter. Google was going to rest whether they liked it or not. They didn't have any say in this. It wouldn't have come to this if they had been a little more considerate of Google and despite the fact he was an android he couldn't do anything at once and did need to rest. That voice, however, didn't belong to. Even though he didn't take control of IRL unit very often they knew Ava... displeased.

Their treatment of Google had best change or else. Dark, Wilford, Bim and Host didn't want to know what the 'or else' part was going to entail. Dark and Wilford nodded and apologized. Ava didn't say anything just went back to eating. The synchronized movement was creepy. Ben, Gabriel, Ryan and Oliver in control, Ava was. He was the single most powerful person in the world besides Dark.

It was terrifying.

They nodded and apologized. Ava didn't say anything just went back to eating. The synchronized movement was creepy. Ben, Gabriel, Ryan and Oliver weren't in control, Ava was. He was the single most powerful person in the world besides Dark and it was terrifying. Once he was done Ava went sent any and all information to Beta that would be necessary for the next two weeks before going up to Google's office and locking the door.

Once he was done, Ava sent any and all information Beta would need to survive the next two weeks before going back to Google's office. Even though Dark and Wilford knew Google and Ava were technically the same people they were completely different. It was mind-bending. Ava ignored Ben, Gabriel, Ryan and Oliver's questions as he explained things to the egos.

Ate something before going and getting ready for bed. He was tired of only working at half power. He had no idea how long it had been since Google had been fully charged. Given how tired he was Ava knew it had been a long time. Google hadn't noticed because he hadn't known it wasn't normal to be that tried. Ava cleaned up and did the necessary preparations.

Setting specific alarms before to shower and get ready for bed. He changed out his regular clothes into Google's barely used sleep clothes before climbing into the equally rarely used bed. It was big, soft and fluffy and perfect. Not many of the egos knew that Google did actually have a bedroom attached to his office. It was strange controlling four bodies but he had gotten used to it.

He put Google into shut down mode. It was a strange feeling, but knew it was closest he was going to get to 'falling' asleep when in what felt like a very long time. He just hoped he would be able to go the two weeks without any interruptions but knew he wasn't going to be that lucky. Something was going to happen and he was going to be woken early. Ava just knew it.

Notes: I hope you enjoyed this. Yes, I know you will have questions. I may or may not answer them. I know this is sort. Only being 1,292 words long. Stuff will probably be added when I edit this.

#Markiplier #Darkiplier #Wilford Warfstache #googleiplier #Damien | The Mayor (Who Killed Markiplier)#The Host #my ao3 Markiplier Stories

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dekinswritings · 7 years

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LWA - Maid for you

Akko is invited to spend a week at Diana’s estate. Things don’t go exactly as planned. Diakko

Word count: 3.1k

A/N: Traditionally late as ever, happy birthday @bcheddar13! I wanted to get this done much earlier but I got caught up with IRL stuff and episode 23.

[Ao3] [FF.net]

CRASH.

The spring break plans had been simple: when Akko found out that Lotte would be going back home to her parents’ shop and that Sucy would be going to a mountain, which name Akko couldn't remember, to do mushroom hunting, Akko had been left alone in her dorm room to do absolutely nothing during her week off. That was until somehow word had reached Diana that she was on her own and invited to accompany her to the Cavendish estate for the duration of Spring Break. Weighing her options of being on her own in Luna Nova and eating only potato dishes for a whole week or going to Diana's place and get to eat all sorts of delicious meals including, but not limited, to steaks and freshly baked bread, Akko was quick to take Diana’s offer.

It was all supposed to be simple until that ear piercing shatter.

“Miss Kagari! Do you have any idea of what you have done?!” Head maid Anna questioned Akko who stood next to the remains of the broken vase on the floor.

“W-well it's not my fault someone put that thing in my way! How was I supposed to see that if I was walking backwards!” Akko defended herself, pointing at the countless pieces on the floor before pointing at Diana. “Why didn't you warn me?!”

“I did, Akko,” Diana frowned when she was suddenly accused. “But you were so distracted that you didn't listen.”

“Besides, who cares? It was just a vase, there must be like a hundred of those here. Right Diana?” Akko asked with a hopeful voice.

“Just a vase?! Young lady! The thing you just destroyed was a family heirloom! It was the very same vase the Cavendish had used to carry healing spring water for the wounded in times of need!”

“Truly a one of a kind treasure, and you just broke it into dozens of pieces.”

“W-well, it's not my fault someone put such a valuable thing right there in the open!” Akko stood her ground, pointing at the pedestal where the vase had once rested, which also laid broken in the floor.

“And I do hope you have the money to repay for such an invaluable family heirloom. How exactly do you plan to compensate for it young lady?”

Under such an intense gaze from the Cavendish maid, Akko couldn't help but to chuckle nervously and look at Diana pleadingly.

“Anna, I think I have an idea of how Akko can repay for the vase.”

Diana’s tone of voice told Akko that whatever was that she had in mind, it wouldn't be a great idea.

“Wait, why do I have to be Diana’s personal maid?!” Akko demanded to know as she was getting dressed up in a maid uniform.

“You should be grateful that the Young Mistress has given you this opportunity,” Anna huffed as she finished tying the apron on Akko’s uniform. “You are certainly in no economic position to pay for the vase, are you Miss Kagari?” “If that vase was sooo important, why hasn't Diana just fixed it with magic? I'm sure someone as taaalented as her could do it. Or let me try!”

“Unfortunately magic can not fix that vase. To prevent any sabotage or poisoning of the healing water it was made with a special clay that nullified any magic directed to it and its contents.” Anna explained as she kept on fixing details on Akko’s uniform.

Akko grumbled as she tried to think of what to say next and ended up sighing defeatedly. “Well, whatever. At least the uniform’s kinda cute,” she said and looked at the mirror once Anna was done dressing her up. It was a very simple design, like the one all the other female servants in the estate, except this one had a knee-length skirt and a few more ribbons in the collar and the upper arms.

“Why do I have to be Diana’s personal maid anyways? Couldn’t someone else be that?” Akko stuck out her tongue in slight disgust at the thought of serving Diana as some sort of lackey.

“Yes, Miss Kagari, but the Young Mistress specifically requested it.” “Eh?! Diana did?!”

“Yes, she explained to me that because as her personal maid you would not need to do any sort of domestic chores such as cleaning and cooking. She said that you would end up making a mess if you were made to do those kind of tasks.”

“She what?! I am good at chores!” Akko protested and huffed, “Professor Finnelan makes me all sort of things like broom maintenance and cleaning duties!”

“Well, I am certain she also designated you as her personal servant so you could be with her throughout your stay here. I’m sure she would not want her guest doing all sorts of labor and also be away from her.”

Akko hummed in deep thought as a response, thinking about what the maid had just said before she felt a slap on her back. “Ow! What’s wrong with you?!” Akko hissed.

“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you! Your posture is all wrong! A maid needs to look proper and always have her back straight!” Anna put a hand on Akko’s shoulder and the other on her back and straightened her. “The Young Mistress might have been kind enough to go easy on you but that does not mean I will allow you to be a slouch as a maid! And wipe the horrendous frown off your face Miss Kagari!”

The little hope that Akko had for something fun as a maid had been crushed by constant berating of the proper etiquette of a maid: how to stand up, how to speak, how to walk, how to breathe, how to brew tea, how to serve tea, how much sugar Diana liked in her tea; the moment Anna had left her sights Akko slouched and let out a groan.

“This is gonna suck, I can already tell.”

“Akko? Is that you? Come in”

Akko covered her mouth as she realized that she had been left right outside Diana’s bedroom. There was no escaping it now. “Y-yeah, what’s up?” she opened the door slightly and took a peek. She almost fell down when Diana fully opened the door.

“I need you,” Diana’s words were so direct but also soft that Akko felt her cheeks get involuntarily warmer. “... to fix my bed, please.”

Akko was about to yell that she should do it herself, but reminding herself of what she was wearing, she instead let out a small groan and walked towards the bed to tidy it up.

“And when you're done accompany me for breakfast,” Diana finished brushing her hair in front of her vanity. As Akko finished fixing the bed she took a closer look of the bedroom. Diana seemed very well sufficient and in no need of a maid; she wondered if she had been always like that or if her stay in Luna Nova had made her like this. Why did she even need her as a personal maid? Akko frowned, thinking of how she could be asleep right now.

The trip to the dining room had been a long walk of awkward silence. Awkward for Akko at the very least, as Diana simply remained silent as she led the way through the hallways of the estate. Now that she thought about it, Akko would've lost her way in this place just looking for the bathroom.

Once they arrived to the dining room, Diana took her seat near a corner of the table and Akko sat on the other side of the corner.

“Breakfast, yay!” Akko cheered as she watered at whatever could possibly come out of the kitchen.

“Miss Kagari!” Anna’s scolding voice made the brunette jump in her seat, “servants shall eat after the Cavendish have eaten! Now please, get off that chair and-”

“Anna,” Diana spoke up, interrupting the head maid, “it's alright, Akko will have breakfast with me.”

“But Young Lady, as your personal maid I simply can not allow her to-”

“Anna,” Diana repeated her name, this time with a louder voice.

“I-i understand Young Lady, forgive me,” Anna bowed her head and walked away into the neighbouring kitchen before coming out with several other servants to serve breakfast.

“Yay~” Akko smiled as she had her plate served in front of her. A traditional western style breakfast was a welcome change from the starch based diet of Luna Nova.

“Akko,” Diana called right before the other could start to dig in. “Tea,” she said while motioning to her empty teacup.

Akko, while making sure it scraped the floor, got off her chair and took the teapot that was very well in reach for Diana. “How many sugarcubes, Diana?” she asked and tried to keep her voice as calm as possible.

“That's Mistress to you Miss Kagari!” Anna yelled at her again.

“E-er… m-mistress…” she had to force the word out of her mouth.

“Two, please,” Diana almost sounded pleased, which drew Akko even more on the edge. Doing her best to keep her disgust inside her gut, Akko put the two sugarcubes in the tea and stirred the tea for a few moments.

“Done, miiiiiss… t-tress,” Akko moved the teacup closer to Diana. Diana took the teacup and took a sip from it before putting it down.

Without even a nod of acknowledgement, Akko went back to her seat with a ruined mood. At least the food had been good, even if she had had to serve tea one more time.

Thankfully for Akko the rest of the day had carried on without much nerve wracking duties happening. After breakfast, Diana had retreated to her room and all she had to do hand Diana research material and occasionally put back a few books in their respective spots. They only left the bedroom for lunch and dinner and bathroom trips.

“Well, I suppose it’s time to call it a day,” Diana announced and closed the book she was reading. “Thank you for today.”

“Finally!” Akko raised her arms in celebration and then unceremoniously let out a long yawn.

“Well, I’ll be in you care tomorrow again. I expect you to be here at nine in the morning.” Akko nodded and was about to leave before Diana spoke up again, “oh, and Anna had your belongings moved to the neighboring bedroom, so you can be always be quickly available.”

“Eeeh…” Well, at least I won’t get lost now. “Well, good night Dian- er… mistress.”

“Good night, Akko.”

Two days passed by without any sort of incident. Well, incidents that didn’t involve Akko tripping and spilling tea, knocking off stacks of books, scaring off wild critters for magic practice, or break a table. The only thing that Akko didn’t seem to screw up was stirring Diana’s tea after putting in the two sugarcubes.

“Akko,” Diana put down her book and turned to her personal maid, who was sitting on her bed and idly waving her wand in the air.

“Hmm? What’s up Diana?” Akko didn’t even bother to look at the blonde.

“Andrew is going to stay for tonight, he’ll be arriving just in time for dinner.” Diana got off her chair and walked to her closet and going through her clothes.

“Andrew? Why is he coming?” Akko put away her wand, Diana having gotten her attention. “Isn’t dinner in a couple of minutes too?”

“He’s simply passing by on his way to some vacation home. He’ll be leaving early morning.” Diana explained as she looked between two dresses to put on. She ended up going for a light blue one. “Yes it is, that’s why I’m changing.” “Oh, okay,” Akko nodded and hopped off the bed, but before she left Diana spoke again.

“I-I’ll be needing your help to put on the dress.” Akko swore she saw Diana blush for a moment, but Diana had turned away.

“Eh?! W-why me?!” Akko pointed at herself as her cheeks got redder by the second.

“B-because that’s one of your duties as a personal maid. Now turn around and don’t look, I will let you know when I need your help.”

Akko quickly nodded and turned away from Diana; once the latter has made sure she wasn’t looking, she started to undress. Diana felt her cheeks getting hotter and started regretting not just telling Akko to leave. Akko tried to get her mind busy with anything but Diana, so she started to look at anything that caught her attention in the bedroom. Unfortunately, all she found instead was Diana’s reflection on the vanity next to the desk. Her entire face went beet red as her eyes were glued on the reflection on the mirror. Her mind should’ve been telling her to look away but all it could think of how pretty Diana was. The brunette let out a relieved sigh she didn’t know she was holding when Diana started to put on her dress.

“Akko?”

“Y-y-yeah?!” Akko felt her heart jump out of her chest when her name had suddenly been called.

“Your help, please,” Diana tapped her shoulder and turned around, showing a zipper on the back of the dress that had yet to be closed. Gulping down her nervousness, Akko’s had trembled as she reached out for the zipper and closed it. “Now, Andrew will be arriving any second now, so let’s get going.”

As Diana left, Akko put her hand on her chest as she tried to calm down her rapid heartbeats and cool off her head.

By the time they made it to the dining room, Andrew was already on a chair waiting for dinner.

“Andrew,” Diana’s greeting was short and polite with a nod.

“Diana, thanks for having me tonight, you’re a real life saver.” Andrew smiled until he noticed something, or someone, “Akko? Is that you?”

“Andrew! It’s been a while.” Akko grinned and walked up to him.

“What’s with the maid outfit?” He asked as he took a closer look at it, “don’t tell me Luna Nova has been short staffed and has started to turn their students into cleaning staff.”

“What? No, I’m just Diana’s maid,” Akko laughed at Andrew’s assumption. “It’s a long story.”

“Personal maid? Is that right, Diana?”

“Yes, I made her into my personal maid,” Diana began to explain as she sat down, “I doubt she can do any proper house chores so I made her serve me.”

“Huh?! I can do anything if I put my heart into it you know!” Akko crossed her arms and turned away from Diana.

“Well, it oddly suits you, Akko,” Andrew said as he noticed smaller details on her uniform. “You look… better.”

“At least someone knows how to compliment me,” the maid huffed before smiling at Andrew, “Thank you for your kind words, Master Andrew~” Akko bowed and raised her skirt a little bit.

Diana gasped and was about to retort but was cut off by plates of food being served in front of them.

“Oh Master Andrew, let me serve you some water,” Akko spoke in a way courteous way that Diana had never heard before and saw her pour him his drink.

The dinner had devolved into Akko servicing Andrew for the whole meal, properly doing so as Anna had told her on her first day, all the while Akko stared at an increasingly flustered Diana. Andrew was slightly confused by all of this, but banter with Akko kept him entertained throughout the dinner.

Diana had barely touched her food before she put down her fork and stood up.

“I’ve lost my appetite, so I’ll excuse myself. Enjoy your meal you two.” She spoke sharply and to the point before pacing out of the dining room.

“Akko, were you trying to upset her? Because I haven’t seen her that upset since Daryl tried to sell family heirlooms to my father.”

“Well… I uh…” Akko found herself at a loss for words. She certainly was trying to throw some jabs at Diana, but she never wanted to get her that angry. “I should go after her,” she whispered before getting up and following Diana.

Akko didn’t see Diana anywhere from outside the dining room, but her gut told her just where to find her, and her gut was never wrong. Most of the time. Making haste, she headed for Diana’s bedroom.

“Diana?” Akko called out as she knocked on the door of the bedroom. “Are you there? I’m coming in.”

Akko found Diana sitting on the edge of her bed, looking down at the floor.

“Diana?” she approached her slowly, eventually sitting next to her.

“Did you hate it that much?” Diana’s voice was barely a whisper. Akko only made a confused sound, so she clarified. “Did you hate being my personal maid that much? If so, I’m sorry.”

“E-eh? N-no! I didn’t hate it! … that much.” Akko put her hand on Diana’s and tried to reassure her with a small squeeze. “Don’t apologize, I should be apologizing. I tried to upset you too hard.”

“Well, it worked. Congratulations, Akko,” Diana’s voice seemed out of breath. Clearly still upset, Akko tried squeezing her hand again.

“You just seemed so convinced that I couldn’t do a good job that I wanted to prove you wrong.” Akko explained herself, now ashamed of herself for trying to do so the way she did.

“Well, you successfully made me jealous. Good job.”

“Wait, jealous? You were jealous?!”

Diana’s face quickly went from gloom to an embarrassed red. “Y-yes, is there anything wrong with that?!” she snapped, catching Akko off guard. “I invited you here to spend time with me and you seem to have the most fun with Andrew! Is it so wrong to feel jealous?!”

For the second time today, Diana had managed to flabbergast Akko. All the brunette could do was stare at Diana as she tried to put together what to say.

“Well, you also made me dress up like this and do all of those maid things.”

“Yes, because Anna wouldn’t have had it otherwise, despite trying to convince her that there was no point in getting so upset over some old vase.” Diana sighed and looked away, finally seeming to calm down. “B-besides, I addressed you as my personal maid so you could keep me company…” she explained as her cheeks remained red.

“Aww, Diana!” Akko threw herself over Diana and pulled her into a hug, earning another bright blush from the blonde. “Still, I’m sorry about all the stuff with Andrew.”

Diana took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I-it’s okay, I forgive you. I was at fault too.”

“Weeell, I’m still your maid you know!” Akko pointed out as she let go of Diana. “Anything I can do you make it up to you, Mistress?”

Diana thought for a moment and started to feel her face getting hotter.

“W-well, Akko,” Diana took a deep breath and looked at her, “w-would you help undress me out of this dress?”

A/N: I wanted to make the interaction between Akko and Andrew longer and more detailed but you probably wouldn’t have liked that. Special thanks to @nontann for betaing!

#diakko #dianakko #LWA #little witch academia #atsuko kagari #kagari atsuko #diana cavendish #fanfic

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sightful-tangents · 5 years

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new year’s resolutions 2019

Okay, we’re here. 2019 New Year Resolutions, baby, let’s do this. *puts on This Year by the Mountain Goats and contemplates goals for like the thirtieth time this year*

2019 Themes - I’ve done yearly themes for at least 3 years now, and these kind of just shape and frame my decision making throughout the year. Last year, the themes were “Travel” and “Investment”. For a while, I really thought that this year’s themes would be “travel” and “building relationships”. For a couple weeks, I thought “well, this is it. I’ve done personal growth centred themes for a while now, this is the year I really want to build better relationships!” But a few weeks in, I can already say that while it was an admirable thought, I don’t know if it’s the right one at the right time (at least, if it stands on its own).

And of course, the reason is my job. I find my job hard. Like, it may not be hard for others, and I feel silly if I state “my job is challenging” when really, I mean “to me, my job is challenging.” And the stress, fear, and insecurity that comes with it has really kind of fucked with my mental health as of late. And I know that because of this shift, I do need to be a bit more aware that I need to take care of myself and my brain (woo! Self-care!) before I can really turn outwards. Rushing myself to create and foster and grow relationships will be just so unbalanced if I can’t bring 80% of my self to the table. So. Yeah.

Themes, eh? 2019 will be “travel” and “put down roots”. Let me explain. Travel is obvious, but Put Down Roots is a combination of my earlier thought (building relationships), but it’s also kind of my personal way of making sure that my foundations are solid. My mental health is in check, and that I’ve got some sturdy roots psychologically, as well as letting them grow and intertwine with the city I live in physically, and the people I am around emotionally. And I need to work on that, and while it is kind of broad, I’m still going to prioritize these different aspects (i.e., I have no shame about putting my self first).

So, onto the resolutions. This year they’re categorized into: work, tangible, space, relationships, self.

THE BIG ONE

1. Put down roots. For so long, I felt like I was going to be going back to Toronto ASAP. I don’t really feel like this will be the case anymore (for a myriad of reasons, albeit I love the city so much and my best friends are still there). So that means that while I’ve always kind of had a mental barrier against putting down roots in Vancouver, this will be the year where I will try. As I mentioned above in the themes, this resolution is not specific. It’s three-pronged: a sturdy mental foundation, a sense of belonging in a place, and a feeling of belonging with people.

WORK

2. Don’t get fired. Honestly, I have a fear of being fired. Imposter syndrome is real, ya’ll, and this role really brings out the beast. I know intellectually that being fired is probably unlikely but my brain also always responds with, “IS IT THOUGH??”.

3. No major fuck-ups (that may lead to being fired and/or my supervisor seriously regretting his decision to hire me). Before I had a fear of fucking up in ANY way. Subtext in this goal is the fact that I DON’T want to be scared of fucking up. I want to be able to move forward, maybe mess up, and feel like my supervisor has my back and will let me fuck up and still let me work and grow and hopefully contribute good things. So, let’s not fuck over my organization, but let’s also recognize that in order to grow, I need to make mistakes, and I want to feel safe enough in my position to make that mistake and know it’s not going to lead to me getting fired (man, this is a lot to ask).

4. Get a professional certification. I will! I promise!

5. Learn to be a better supervisor. I only ‘supervise’ one person, and boy, it’s a bit of a learning experience. I mean, I want to be her friend (maybe that’s the problem here lol), but I also recognize I have to monitor her work (some of which I am not exactly 100% satisfied with), and also teach her a lot, and all this other stuff. I don’t think I’m that good at it, but I really do want to try and be better. Let her learn and grown and be available to answer questions and support her etc. Sigh.

6. Be okay with being uncomfortable at work. Ha. Lean into discomfort, right? I recognize it’ll take a while to feel settled (or, will I EVER feel settled?), but I don’t want to let it get to me. I am making a rule for myself: I can wallow over mistakes or bad events for one day. Then I need to move the fuck on because I have other shit to think about. Do not prolong that suffering! Also, I guess this resolution ties into being uncomfortable around the responsibilities I have, and while I will never feel 100% like I am “doing the right thing”, I can try and lessen my anxiety around it.

TANGIBLE-(ish) 7. Be smart with money. I know, I know, one of my fears is being fired so I want to save as much money as I can before I get fired and inevitably get a job where I earn less. But again, this isn’t about saving a specific dollar amount. I think it is generally about not letting lifestyle inflation become too severe, don’t buy shit I don’t need, and prioritize spending in a way that is aligned with my values. In this case, travel and experiences (of which, I am allowing food/eating out to count).

8. Read 35 books. A yearly target, that seems harder and harder to reach as each year my attention span seems to wane a little bit more.

9. Cook at least 2 times a week. An adulting goal that I want to accomplish. Sigh. Why is cooking so hard?

10. Get an IUD. Honestly, I’m not in a relationship or dating right now, but why not right. I don’t want a baby in the next 5 years, and my friends have gotten them and I’m like, sure, that sounds like a good thing to put on a to-do list lol.

11. Volunteer. I volunteered for two events last year, and this year I want to do at least one (or maybe two?) more, on top of those. Those were fun and rewarding experiences (maybe just because volunteers get free vouchers to see movies and shows and this girl loves free shit) but yeah, definitely one of those things I’m super glad I did.

12. Continue playing piano for fun. Again, one of my best decisions last year. I really really love it, it’s great for my brain to calm down and be distracted, and I might even get a full sized keyboard with 88 keys instead of 72 sometime in the future. I love that there’s no pressure and it feels like something I do just for myself.

13. Learn and keep a new hobby. What is this, 2017? I’m taking pottery classes with an old colleague, and I am also thinking of learning to knit? Hm.

SPACE

14. Travel. My travel goals this year are: Taiwan, the Rockies (Banff and Jasper), and either South America, Turkey, or Eastern Europe. Also, maybe Toronto over the holidays. And I am very very very tentatively thinking about going to New Zealand in 2020, so let’s cross our fingers. I have 2 weeks of vacation left that I haven’t decided what to do with. This is also the year where I’m traveling more with friends, and in the past I completely balked at the idea (yay solo travel!) but I might be ready for a change.

15. Settle into my living space. For the first time in my life, I don’t have roommates! I have a couch and dressers and a dining table, and hoo boy, let me tell you, furniture and decor is NOT my thing. It stresses me out and I straight-up withdraw and try not to deal with it. Bless my mother and her infinite patience (and perhaps pity) with me and helping me sort out my living situation. She helped me move twice last year, and helped me basically pick out all my furniture (second hand!). I’m so grateful, but I also recognize that I just need to suck it up and buy some fucking dining chairs ffs. Also, I’m trying to make this place feel more and more like home. I’m not exactly sure how, but maybe just letting myself laze around on a Sunday afternoon is enough.

16. Settle into my city. I spent this weekend walking up and down the main “streets” in my neighbourhood, making a mental note of all the restaurants and bars and grocery stores I’d like to stop by. I want to familiarize myself with this area a lot more. Be able to give other people recommendations when they visit.

RELATIONSHIPS

17. Make 2 new friends. YAS FRANSSS.

18. Date people! When life got really busy last year, I put this on hold and said “it’s a 2019 problem”. Guess what, it’s 2019, maybe I should go see how my standards have changed… Also, I really want to go out with people I don’t meet on dating apps? I think the reason I like dating apps is that everyone is on the same page regarding “this is a date”, whereas people I sometimes go out with IRL is like “are we doing a friend hang-out or is this a date” (of which, I think the former as to not humiliate myself by assuming the latter).

19. See my mom at least once or twice a month. We live pretty close and I try and say that I’ll spend long weekends with her and my stepdad, but I do need to prioritize this more, I think. It’s so nice to hang out with them, but sometimes I am busy trying to fill up my social calendar that my weekends just become unavailable.

20. Be a better friend (support & generosity). In part of my “turning outwards” theme, I want to be a better friend. Reaching out more, being emotionally available, being generous with my time, asking them thoughtful questions, trying to understand them better and also trying to make sure they feel understood. I recognize they’ll be my support system and I don’t want to let them down.

SELF

21. INTENTIONALITY. This is a big one. It was almost a theme. It was almost my goal #1. I want to be intentional with my actions AND my thoughts. Intentional with the way I act towards my friends, being generous, spending time, setting up hang-outs. I want to also be intentional with the way I consume media (sigh, useless youtube in the background), the fact that I haven’t really listened to podcasts in a while, I’m trying to catch up more on news but sometimes it hurts my heart to read so much negative stuff about the world. I want to READ MORE BOOKS even thought it seems so hard sometimes? Lastly, I want to be intentional with my thoughts. This is obviously hard, but I want to train myself to not ruminate, to let go of anxiety and stress when I can, to care about the opinions only from people that matter, and to be more generous and kind and believe in the best in people.

22. Keep my mental health in check (and prioritize it). With this new job, I feel a lot more anxious and stressed, and I don’t like it. I loved that my previous job meant my brain stopped caring about work at 4pm, but I don’t really have that luxury (yet?) and the anxiety get to me and I think feeds bouts of depression. I want to make sure that I am aware of these effects, I forgive myself for feeling like shit about myself, and that I take actions to either deal or distract me - this usually means seeing friends and being social and not wallowing.

23. Figure out my finances. This resolution should really be further up the list. I don’t know what I am doing with my money, and I need to dedicate time and effort to LEARN IT. Financial literacy is SO IMPORTANT do not let other people tell you otherwise!! Don’t let the system get you, is what I’m saying.

24. Fucking exercise. My friends and I are taking a trip to the Rockies this year (so excited!!) but we have planned a lot of hikes and I’d really prefer not to be the one huffing and puffing the entire time. Also, I really am curious as to the effect exercise might have on my mental health.

25. Maintain my weight. This is a bit health related. Last year, I gained like 10 pounds when I started the office job, and then I lost it towards the end of the year. I just feel much more comfortable with my body at this weight. That said, I recognize that it’s a simple diet + exercise combination, and with my lack of exercise, this just means I watch what I eat. Calories in, calories out. It’s not hard and I should not eat that much cake, okay.

26. Be better than I currently am. WIP, mates.

27. Take risks. Of all sorts. Because, why not. Always.

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And… that’s it. As we try and find our way through this year, let me remind myself when I step into work: game face on. Or, as Susie would say to Midge Maisel: tits up.

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