#I really want to hear genderfluid people’s experience to make sure they are accurate

[genderqueerdykes]

Can you explain how your transfeminity works with your transmasculinity? I wanna use transfemmasc but I wanna hear why others actually use it before I decide.. And also, how does your transfeminity work with the butch label?

yeah! those are very good questions, thanks for taking the time to ask! ^ _ ^

i think i'm going to start identifying with the label genderfluid again, because i think i do experience fluctuations in presentation and identity- sometimes we are femme, sometimes we are butch, mostly due to the nature of being a system, so i think including the element of fluidity in our identity is very important!

as for transfeminity and butchness, you can be a transfem butch! amab and intersex transfem butch lesbians are still transfem, it's just that you're transitioning to a masculine kind of femininity. you might identify as a woman but a butch one, or, in my case, a butch fem and woman aligned nonbinary person. i'm not taking estrogen due to the fact that it makes me feel extremely fucked up, but i am still transfem in the sense that i have very femme days due to having femme gay men in my sytem as well as femme lesbians, and when i identify as butch i am identifying as a woman aligned gender, just not a binary one- i don't feel comfortable saying i'm a trans woman, but i'm the closest nonbinary equivalent- demigal/demigirl is pretty good. the fluidity makes things a bit wobbly at times as well. technically i identify heavily with the term lesboy but that's due once more to bigenderism & butchness

my transmasculinity is a bit tough to describe these days, but the way i best describe it is my transsexuality. i needed my body to be more masculine because my physical dysphoria was crushing. my body was all wrong. my family would NOT let me keep my beard, they kept forcing me to use nair to remove it and i was so tired of that sensation. i also liked my facial hair and just... didn't like the way i looked without it. i snapped and stopped taking estrogen and went on T and suddenly i felt so much better in my body and more comfortable as a person.

i identified as a trans man for a very, very long time, and i've been questioning that label lately, as i'm not sure if it's a good fit. when i came out in 2011 - 2012, i told my family and friends that i was "a person". and when they couldnt' accept that and kept gendering me as male since i said i wasn't a woman i complied. i went well. if you won't see me as a person, i'll settle for a man. and i did this with the rest of society. i appreciate you sending this ask because i've been wanting to personally step away from the trans man label. i don't think i'm a trans man. i have some alters in my system who are men, but on the whole idon't think we ever really identified as a man OR woman- we've always been "people". it's also hard to really have an identity label designed for a single person when you have so many people living in a single body.

i think i can experience multiple genders at once at times, and i also experience fluidity between them due to systemhood. but, if you want a simplified answer, i'm a genderfluid bigender transmasculine transsexual (in reference to my HRT) neutrois & agender person, and a transfeminine butch demigirl/enby. at times it's easier to say transfemasc/transsexual bigender nonbinary person, but i think after dropping the trans man label, i feel a lot better, and i feel this is the most accurate. =) i'm reclaiming my neutrois & agender identities from when i first came out, i'm not going to let people tell me who i am anymore =D

that being said i am perfectly fine with helping trans men, as i lived as one for a decade! and i really love helping trans men realize that it's okay to be a man, it's okay to be masculine, and also how to get on testosterone, and get the help they need. so i don't want trans men to stop sending asks, i still <3 trans men and the community, i just don't think i identify as one anymore, i'm tired of adopting a label that just isn't me. but i'm okay with being seen as an honorary trans man of sorts. also due to my intersex condition it makes things very difficult :'- )

anyway thanks for taking the time to ask! if there's anything else you're curious about let us know we're happy to help! take care, good luck in your own journey

#asks #answers #my experiences #my gender #save #transfemasc #transfemmasc #transmascfem #multitrans #nonbinary #enby #non binary #transmasculine #transmasc #transfem #transfemme #transfeminine #intersex #genderfluid #bigender #multigender #polygender

[legrandepapillon]

The One With The Dinner (mullwashette)

Summary: A dinner with George Washington's non-binary signif, his male signif and his deeply Southern family. What could go wrong? Prompt: ‘Meet the family + dinner’ Author’s Notes:  Actual new favorite ship? Mullwashette is so underrated lets argue

The entire dinner fiasco began with a simple trip. A trip to Westmoreland County, Virginia, more accurately, which was the birthplace and hometown of the esteemed politician George Washington. George had finally decided─after a positively agonizing wait of two years, or at least that’s how Lafayette described it─that his two significant others were at last ready to meet his family. George had already met Lafayette’s family─Laf’s eccentric cousin, Thomas and little sister, Adrienne. And had a brief run-in with Hercules’─though the man’s parents’ English was rather poor, and he’d already known his step brother James Madison. They felt it was only fair they got to meet his. However, George explained to them countless times that they had to wait until the Washingtons were more comfortable with this… arrangement their son had with his two ex-interns. Mostly because he did not want Lafayette nor Hercules to experience the pain of discrimination─especially at the hands of his own flesh and blood.

But at long last, his family had decided they were ready to meet the two people that made the prodigal son so happy. George’s older brother, Lawrence─as well as Lawrence’s wife and their three children─and his parents.

When the trio had arrived in Virginia, they’d been immediately engulfed in Mary Washington’s arms─all three of them hugged tightly and thoroughly until George’s father had interrupted with an uncomfortable clearing of his throat. Mary was a lovely person─a heavy set woman with skin the colour of the night sky and shining brown eyes. She exuded warmth and joy, and both Lafayette and Hercules could tell from the way she looked at George─and of course, from the way he looked at her─that the bond she shared with her son was positively unbreakable. And even though Hercules─who was an excellent people reader─could tell she was upset that she’d most likely never have a nice young girl to call a daughter-in-law, she seemed to be happy that her child was happy.

His father, Augustine, was the polar opposite of his wife. A tall, stoic white man with hard set dark eyes that gave Lafayette and Hercules firm handshakes in place of a hug. He seemed to be far more distant than George’s mother was, and his lips curled down at the sight of the two kids lingering just behind George. It was obvious that he would be the two college students’ biggest obstacle in getting in good with their longtime boyfriend’s family.

“Well,” Lafayette had muttered in French, looking to Hercules with nervous eyes─of whom simply wrapped an arm around them and squeezed their shoulder. “I can see where George got his emotional distance from.”

“C’mon in, boys, come meet the others!” Mary had called before Hercules could respond, and George had motioned for them to get inside.

The home that George Washington grew up in was nothing like their simple apartment in New York, City. Their apartment back in New York was small, and homely. Lafayette had filled every open window space with plants, and things didn’t seem to have one set place. And due to Lafayette being a painter, Hercules being a clothing designer and seamster, and George being a very busy politician─more often than not, their home was a complete disaster. Only when Martha, Adrienne or Beth came over to chastise them did the place resemble something tidy─and never did it last long.

However, the Washington Estate is a complete opposite. Every surface is pristine and sparkling─not a spec of dirt or grime in sight. Everything also seems to have its own neat and tidy place, nothing at all is out of order. There are several maids and butlers that Lafayette sees scurrying around─picking up this, adjusting that, fixing something there. Not to mention how grand and gorgeous it is. Expensive chandeliers hang from the ceilings, the floors are made out of marble and everything is so clean the boys are scared to breathe too hard for fear of breaking it.

As soon as they’re five steps into the house, Augustine calls for one of the servant girls to come take their bags. Lafayette tries to insist that they could easily take the bags upstairs if shown their room, but Augustine glares them down so hard that they merely swallow their words and hand the suitcases to the girl─who does give them a small, sweet smile at their attempt.

“Please, Mr. Lafayette,” Lafayette cringes briefly at the use of ‘Mr.’ but makes no attempt to correct the man. Afterall, they didn’t need anymore reason for Augustine not to like them. “I don’t pay them for nothing. You are our guests. I’ve arranged a room upstairs for each of you─George will sleep in his old room, and there is a room with two beds for you and Mr. Mulligan.”

Augustine says all of this with a no-nonsense tone of voice. Lafayette, Hercules and George all hear his message loud and clear─there will be no sleeping in the same bed while they’re under his roof, and if he is to catch them attempting to do so, there will be hell to pay. Laf hasn’t slept in a bed by themselves since they were eighteen─when they and Hercules first moved in together─and they’re twenty-three now. They don’t think they’ll be getting any rest the three weeks they’re supposed to be here in Virginia.

“You can call me Herc,” Hercules pipes up, in order to change the subject on sleeping arrangements. Lafayette briefly notices that their boyfriend has a slight frown painted on their lips, and they immediately know what he’s going to say. “And we usually call Lafayette Laf, Marie or Gilbert depending on their mood for the day.”

“Hercules!” They hiss between their teeth, but luckily there is no time for further comment─as they’ve come to a sliding door now. Once George reaches forward and slides the door open so that they can step outside, Lafayette feels a wave of calm wash over them. Immediately, Lafayette is relaxed at the sight of children happily running around the vast, gorgeous gardens. They’re unsure if it’s the sight of plantlife─one of their favorite hobbies, something that always managed to relax them─or children, but the sharp pain of being misgendered ebbs a little at the atmosphere.

“Ah!” Mary exclaims, which draws the attention of the children playing and the lovely couple sitting in cushy yard chairs beneath an umbrella. Lafayette immediately notices how strikingly alike Lawrence and George look─both have caramel coloured skin, with bushy eyebrows and a warm honey colored eyes. The only difference is that when Lawrence smiles, he doesn’t seem to have the small gap in his teeth that George has─one of Lafayette’s favorite qualities about their boyfriend, as they believe it makes him look so adorable─nor does he have the man’s dimples. And, Hercules will later point out to them, Lawrence is considerably shorter than his younger brother.

Lafayette is more taken with the man’s wife, however. She’s a gorgeous woman, but not at all what Lafayette had expected. They’d expected a stiff, cold woman─well, they’d expected Augustine Washington in woman form, actually. From the way George described his sister-in-law, she was very no nonsense and quite strict with her children. However, Lafayette is considerably taken off guard. She’s obviously of Middle Eastern descent, with skin the colour of treebark and long, silky black hair. And she’s got quite the award winning smile, which she flashes at George when the man steps off the back porch to greet her. Where Lafayette had expected a fancy business suit and heels, she wears a nice sundress and white flats─though, that’s probably because her belly is swollen with pregnancy.

“Oh, I love babies!” Lafayette finds themselves exclaiming before hopping off the porch after George to go and greet her. They don’t know why they’d expected her to harbour the same homophobic thoughts as her father-in-law, but if she does she is an expert at not showing it. Her eyes light up and instead of simply shaking their hand, she pulls Lafayette into a warm hug. They hug her back just as eagerly, trying not to squish her belly bump between their bodies, and greet her with a warm, “Hi, nice to meet you! I’m Lafayette.”

“I’m Anne, it’s nice to meet you, too. So, you’re one of the boys that managed to wrangle our crazy George, huh?” she asks, hand coming to rest protectively on her belly─it’s not long before she starts rubbing her stomach through the cloth of dress absentmindedly, positively glowing with pregnancy. Lafayette winces again at the misgendering, but before they can open their mouth to give an answer─that would’ve most likely skipped over the hiccup, for fear of stirring the pot with George’s family─, George himself is butting into the conversation with,

“Actually, Anne, they are genderfluid. And today isn’t really a boy or girl day, so if you could kindly refer to them as they/them or use gender neutral terms,” George says, making sure his voice is at a level that his father could hear. Lafayette doesn’t miss the distasteful snort from Augustine Washington, but the man’s reaction is completely wiped from their mind when Anne’s mouth forms a small ‘o’ and she gives their bicep a comforting squeeze.

(Not to mention how they simultaneously swoon and become turned on at the way George rushes to defend their honour.)

“Oh, you have to forgive me! Yes, Lafayette, of course. Just alert me if ever I misgender you, honey, and I will make every effort to do better,” she says warmly. Lafayette must look confused or thrown off at her answer, because she gives them a small smile. “I know. Deep south, you’re lucky if you find someone that accepts homosexuality─yet alone those that identify with the transgender community. But I’m a social worker and advocate for homeless LGBTQ+ youth─kids that came out to their parents and got kicked out, mostly─, so I’m very… uh, do they say ‘woke’, these days?”

“Wow! I have to say, I admittedly didn’t expect someone to be so accepting,” Lafayette says, feeling flustered at how quick they were to assume who Anne was and what she thought of certain types of people. “Thank you. And thank you for what you’re doing for those kids. It’s important to have some validation when you’re that young and have been turned away by those you call family.”

He knew that well.

“Well, I do have my hiccups, of course. But I’m learning from these kids everyday. I just wish I could say the same for my husband. In the terms of political views, he’s very much like his father,” Anne sighs wistfully, and her eyes travel over to the man. Speaking of Lawrence, he and Hercules seem to be setting up a game of cards at the table─which causes the three talking to go over and attempt to join them.

“Prepare to get your ass dumped on in this Uno, son,” Lawrence is saying, when George, Lafayette and Anne pull up chairs to join them for the game. Once they’re all seated, Lawrence looks up and shakes Lafayette’s hand. “Nice to meet you, by the way. I’m Lawrence, li’l Georgie’s big brother. You are…?”

“Lafayette. It’s nice to meet you, too, Lawrence. I hope you didn’t challenge Hercules to a round of Uno─he is painfully good at that game,” Lafayette responds, though they accept the cards that are dealt to them by their boyfriend. George offers some murmurs of assent to that statement, much to Lawrence’s chagrin─who continues to insist that he’s the best at Uno. Hercules blows a kiss at both his spouses for the support, and much Lafayette’s surprise, Lawrence doesn’t scoff or make any snide comments. Anne had said that he was similar to Augustine when it came to view, they’d expected at least some sort of expression of distaste.

Maybe George had waited for his family to get more onboard with the thought of him in a gay polyamorous relationship. Maybe Lawrence had been practicing being more accepting. Maybe this trip wouldn’t be so bad.

They’re five games deep into Uno─with Hercules winning four and Anne winning one─when Mary returns outside. This time it’s to call everyone in for dinner, which the kids practically trip over themselves trying to get inside to receive.

While helping Mary and Anne fix the children's’ plates─”I grew up in a house with my little sister, and all my cousins. I know things get done faster with more hands, ma’am.”─Lafayette gets to know Lawrence and Anne’s children. The eldest is Augustine Washington II. He’s twelve, and he seems to be really into his ‘emo’ phase. His long dark hair swoops over one of his eyes, and he has to keep tossing his head to the side dramatically so that he’ll be able to see what he’s doing─much to Mary’s distaste, who keeps making comments about how Anne needs to take him to get it cut. However, he’s a really smart kid─even teaches Lafayette a little something about the history of the Washington house while they’re making his plate.

The middle child is Mildred, though she complains loudly when Anne introduces her as such─insisting that the name is old and gross and is the subject for plenty of bullying from both her older brother and the kids at school. No, she practically pleads with Laf to call her Milly. She’s ten, and a very pretty girl with a close-cropped pixie cut pushed back with a bright pink headband. She really likes rap music and dancing, and she promises that she’ll teach Lafayette a dance routine she choreographed all by herself after dinner.

The current youngest is John, who is only five-years-old. He’s very quiet, and doesn’t say much to Lafayette besides ‘hello’ and ‘thank you’ so they can’t really decipher much about him. Anne says that he really enjoys drawing and superheroes though, so Lafayette makes a vow to make him something really nice when they get back to New York.

One thing about George’s nephews and niece─and by relation, Laf and Hercules’ nephews and niece?─is that they have a lot of questions. More specifically, they have a lot of questions about Lafayette’s gender, their relationship with George and Hercules, and life in New York.

“Do you live right by the Statue of Liberty?” Auggie─Augustine’s preferred nickname, so that he isn’t constantly getting confused with his grandfather─asks incredulously when Hercules mentions their home in New York. The tailor chuckles at the question and shakes his head.

“No, we actually live closer to Brooklyn, in an apartment above one of my shops,” Hercules says, leaning back in his chair a little bit. Lafayette can’t help but smile at the way Auggie’s eyebrow arch with curiosity when Hercules mentions his ‘shops’─hell, even Augustine seems to have a piqued interest at the thought of Herc running his own businesses. “George didn’t tell you guys? I own and operate a chain of clothing stores that sell my own fashion line, Culper. If it’s okay with your mother and father, Auggie, you could come to New York during New York Fashion Week with me. I could take you to see the Statue of Liberty.”

Auggie looks to his parents expectedly at Hercules’ words, and Lawrence gives a small ‘we’ll see’─though it seems obvious that he’s not entirely willing to let his son go. Lafayette isn’t sure if it’s because Hercules is a gay man, Hercules is a gay man in a poly relationship with his brother, or if it’s simply because New York is a big city that he doesn’t want his son going to alone. Whichever it is─the disappointment is obvious on the preteens face and he slumps down in his chair with a moody pout.

“Models, huh? Do you know Maria Reynolds? She’s my favorite model ever, plus she’s a really famous dancer! Did you know she danced for Beyonce?” Milly asks, voice raising in both octave and decibels before being gently lectured by Anne to keep her indoor voice. She blushes at the reprimand, but still looks expectantly to Hercules.

“I do, actually. Maria walked when I showcased my Spring collection of dresses. Along with our wonderful Laffy,” Hercules says, lacing his fingers with Lafayette’s. Now it’s their turn to blush, though they bring the man’s hand up to kiss the back of it. “They originally were just going to come to the show, but once they saw this lovely, flowy pink gown… they had to walk. I believe George captured some pretty awesome video of that show on his phone.”

“So, wait, Laffy, I have a question,” Milly asks when it seems the rest of the adults have gone back to being mostly distracted with talk of local politics and gossip, poking at her peas to make the question seem innocent enough. Lafayette looks up from their own plate of food─glancing briefly to George and Hercules to see if they’re paying attention. In case they need to come to their immediate rescue should this turn sour. Just because Laf liked kids didn’t mean they were good with them. Luckily enough, they both are─Hercules with expectancy, George with nervousness. “On your girl days… do you actually dress as a girl? Like, do you wear makeup and dresses and heels like Mommy and Grandma?”

The kids had heard Lafayette discussing with Anne earlier about their girl days while they were in the kitchen, giving advice to her about how to deal with her genderfluid teens on the days where they feel more of one gender than the other. Though, after the initial questions of what to call Lafayette, they hadn’t seemed too interested in it. Laf guesses that their observations of what the kids were and weren’t into was completely off─which is why Hercules was better at people analysis.

“Sometimes. It depends on how lazy I am that day, as well. What I wear doesn’t really matter, though, Milly─even if I dress like a typical ‘boy’ on a girl day, I still expect to be addressed as a girl. With she and her pronouns. Do you know what pronouns are?”

“Yes! I’m the best in my English studies, I’ve never failed,” Milly says excitedly, before lowering her voice again when her father briefly glances to the end of the table where she’s sitting across from Lafayette. “and... I got another question. How come when Daddy took the Secretary lady on a date, Mommy called him a cheater… but you and Mr. Hercules and Uncle George go on dates and it’s not cheating?”

Hercules nearly spits out his mouthful of wine at the question and George goes so pale it looks as though he may fall out of his chair and faint. Apparently, everyone else heard the young girl as well, because the entire table gets deathly quiet when Milly is finished with her question. All eyes are on them, waiting for the answer they’ll give, waiting to see if they’ll fuck this up. Desperately, Lafayette looks to George─who makes it a show to look away─then to Hercules─who smiles into his wine glass but says nothing─and lastly to Anne─who just seems positively heartbroken, and in no position to answer such a difficult questions.

“I… I uh…” Lafayette clears their throat, takes a sip of their wine, and takes a deep breath. Here goes nothing? “When you and your partner willingly bring someone else into the relationship… when both you and your partner know about this partner, and are comfortable with them, then it it’s something we call polyamory. That’s what George, Hercules and I have. We all know about each other, we all are comfortable with each other, and we all love each other. But when you bring someone into your relationship without your partner's permission, when you lie to them about it, or when they’re not comfortable with it… it’s cheating. It’s important that if you want a poly relationship, everyone knows about each other and everyone is happy with the arrangement.”

Milly thinks about this answer for a moment, and while she does, the tension could be cut with a knife. But then she nods her head, seemingly accepting this answer, and goes back to shoveling food into her mouth. Crisis averted… for now.

Hesitantly, the conversation at the table picks back up─and closer to the head of the table, Lafayette notices Anne giving them both grateful and sad eyes. They wonder what the story of that is, and if she’s going to be alright after such a question was asked by her own daughter, but they decide that now─and maybe never─is not the time to ask these things. So instead, they flash her a pitying smile and raise their glass in her direction.

Later that night, when Lafayette and Hercules have squished against their lover in George’s tiny twin bed─after checking to make sure Augustine is sound asleep and won’t be coming to raise any hell about them sharing a bed─George plants a soft kiss on Lafayette’s temple.

“You handled that incident at dinner really well, baby,” George whispers into the dark of the room, his voice thick with sleep from where he’d been dozing off. Lafayette can feel Hercules reach across their man─who is laying in the middle of them─and lace their fingers together, giving their hand a comforting squeeze. An affirmation of George’s words, agreeing with the older man. “You’d make a great parent someday.”

“You think so?” Lafayette asks quietly back, eyes attempting to find George’s face in the darkness. They can see where Hercules had propped himself up with his elbow, and if they follow the darker outlines in the shadows, they can just make out the sight of George snuggled against the broad tailor. George was usually the big spoon, but Lafayette couldn’t help but muse at how adorable he looked when he allowed himself to be the little one.

“I know so,” George whispers sleepily, shuffling under the covers. “Now go to bed, my love. We’ve still got two more weeks and six more days of this. ”

#hercules mulligan #gilbert du motier marquis de lafayette #marie-joseph paul yves roch gilbert du motier marquis de lafayette #marquis de lafayette #drabble #ficlet #my writing #an idealism #washette #mullette #mullwash #mullwashette #if you're a new yorker im sorry i know nothing of new york #ot3 #hamilton #george washington x hercules mulligan x gilbert du motier marquis de lafayette #george washington/hercules mulligan/gilbert du motier marquis de lafayette #boy do i have a queue for you

[actuallyvady]

So, it's National Coming Out Day. TL;DR: I'm... queer? Let's just go with queer.

I have a string of labels I could use. They're lovely and descriptive and as far as I can tell they're accurate, though my understanding of my own gender and orientation has changed so much in the last few years that I have no idea whether I'll be using the same labels this time next year. I've been hesitant about using any labels at all, for that reason-- what if it *is* just a phase? 

A few years ago-- after I joined tumblr, and feel free to laugh about that if you want-- I discovered the term "asexual" as applied to sexual orientation. I hesitate to say it was a life-changing discovery, but... for the first time in my life I understood why having a label mattered. And the more I thought about it, the more it put my life into perspective. I *don't* look at a person and think "man, I want to have sex with that" and to be honest, I never did-- I played along because it was expected and I fooled myself for a long time because I didn't think it was an option. Now I don't have to pretend anymore, and I'm that much happier for it. So there's label #1: asexual.

There are circumstances in which I do experience attraction, so to be perfectly accurate I use the label "grey asexual." If you want a more thorough explanation of what that means, shoot me a message, I'll see if I can make it make more sense. (That applies to this entire post, really)

Those circumstances in which I do experience attraction do not especially seem related to gender, so I also use the label "pansexual," though I consider that secondary. If you ask me for my orientation, I'll answer ace or grey ace first, and maybe follow up with pan. 

Many people do not bother to differentiate romantic attraction from sexual attraction, I think because for a lot of people they are the same. They are for me, as well-- but I think it deserves special mention because "aromantic" is a weird concept to a lot of people. I don't know that I can tell you what "romantic attraction" is; for a long time I've felt like there isn't any real difference between romantic love and platonic love, and I think that's because I don't *do* romantic attraction. 

Again, calling this "gray" and "pan" for accuracy, but if you ask what my orientation is, I'll likely say "aro-ace" for simplicity's sake. So there's label #2: aromantic.

I also consider myself polyamorous. Not because it is terribly likely for the exceptions that make me use "gray" up above might come along more than one at a time (possible, but seems unlikely) but because I would be just as happy in a relationship where my partner had other partners as one that was monogamous. It's pretty likely that anyone I date will have more of a sex drive than I do, and I would rather they have more than one partner than have either of us unhappy with the  relationship. If you ask me about my ideal future relationship, my mind either comes up with nothing or offers up a family where I am one of several, happily co-existing. So there's #3: polyamorous. (Sometimes people say "polysexual" or "polyromantic" but I think this one works best?) Now, let's talk gender. Y'all know I identify as non-binary, or I hope you do. I prefer they/them and neutral language, and find it tiresome that I am constantly gendered female no matter what I do. This one was the most obvious, and is also the one I'm still working out.

I've been weird about gender since I was a kid. My faves were often (mostly) male characters and it didn't phase me to put myself in their roles, whether in daydreaming or playing with friends or writing self-insert fanfic (because who *didn't* do that?). Me and my childhood BFF wanted to play Phantom of the Opera? Of *course* I would be the Erik to her Christine. (Yes, we were strange children, this was my favorite thing when I was like six.) Who did I want to grow up to be? Luke Skywalker. Didn't matter that he was a guy.

I think I was maybe fourteen the first time I offered to be a surrogate boyfriend for a friend that was going through a rough breakup. It was a joke, of course-- me taking her arm or kissing her hand was meant to make her laugh. It was a fun joke, though. 

In college I started dressing in men's clothing sometimes and in my longest running tabletop campaign I was a male character and I used to joke about always being the manliest one in the room and... but I never wanted to *be* a man, and never thought of myself as one. I just liked playing with gender, I told people. 

I like to think I had a relatively open-minded upbringing, but it was a somewhat sheltered one. I think I had probably heard of trans people, though I don't know that I had met anyone who called themselves trans openly, at that point. And I want to say that while I had never thought about it, I had probably only ever encountered the idea of trans women, not men. And nonbinary? Ha. 

So again-- tumblr. Laugh if you like; it was my introduction to a lot of things. At first I most strongly identified as genderfluid, and I have used that label in the past. As time went on, that seemed less applicable. At times I've used agender, and I still like that one a lot. Mostly I go with nonbinary-- that's the one I'm actually listing as #4. 

I used to say I didn't experience gender dysphoria. Then I started saying I didn't feel it often. The truth is that it's more common than it used to be, and I don't know why. Part of it is probably being in an environment where I am using my legal name again-- it had been a while since I didn't hear "Vady" on a regular basis. "Diana" is so very gendered. (I don't mind people knowing-- I'm fond of it, for the most part.) 

Anyway, more and more I am dissatisfied with myself physically. If I could wave a magic wand and change my body, I would probably do it-- make myself physically male, I mean. And I don't know that I would care whether I could change back or not. I'm not sure what that means in the real world, away from the realm of wishful thinking. But I'm adding a label to my string, #5: trans-masculine.

Yes, I am still asking you to use they/them when you refer to me, though in truth I like male forms of address as well-- I have always preferred "my lord" to "my lady," and "sir" to anything feminine. 

So, happy coming out day, from your friendly, neighborhood poly aro-ace transmasculine nonbinary elf! (... we all know I'm actually an elf, right?) 

#personal #i thought about typing this out on fb #in fact i started typing it on fb #and then i got cold feet #i'm posting it here and sharing it there #maybe that will keep some people from bothering with it #i suppose i could also limit who can see it there but #i'm not *worried* about it #i'm just not... ready to have this conversation with some people yet #(it's the transmasculine part that i'm nervous about) #(that one is new-- some of my close friends know but most do not) #(and the potential ramifications of it are things i'm not really ready to talk about)