#I think we can handle a mermaid and a kraken kissing | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

angelicamerlinbarnes · 3 years

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TUA PIRATE AU

(of the Caribbean? Sort of? I guess?)

(please understand that by AU, I mean they share an incredibly small amount of things in common with the original source material which I barely remember BUT the “story” takes place in the setting of the books/films) (not to be misleading or anything :p)

(BEWARE: abuse, murder, pirates and all of their violent shenanigans, etc.)

(If you can handle watching Umbrella Academy, this will be fine for you.)

Luther is the captain of the guard, and pirates are the bane of his existence. He hates Diego most of all, the man who’s stolen unspeakable amounts of gold from Reginald, Luther’s employer. But as annoyed he is at all of the theft, he purposefully never catches Diego, because he knows Klaus loves him. And Luther may be a man of the law, but he’s also Klaus’ beloved brother-in-spirit, even if Reginald wants them to marry each other for some idiotic reason. (Something about getting Klaus to settle down - ha, he can try.) When Klaus disappears, Luther follows him, having no connections left here - and that’s when he meets Allison. And there are copious laws against getting involved with married women and outlaws alike… so Luther starts to think that maybe bending the rules wouldn’t be so bad. (Klaus is so proud.)

Diego grew up poor, and became a pirate in his early teens when Grace took him in. When she fled the colony, Diego went with her, leaving his childhood best friend Klaus behind. He’s got his own fleet and crew now, and mostly uses his scores as excuses to flirt with Klaus, who’s still just as drawn to him after all these years and often sneaks him into his bedroom when Diego’s in town. Diego’s kept in close touch with Lila and Eudora, both of whom he grew up with once Grace took him away, and they both help him when it comes time for him to crash Klaus’ wedding to Luther (fuck you dude) and steal Klaus away for a life at sea. (Klaus absolutely LOVES this. They kiss a lot. They swing from ropes. Klaus is screaming at all the guards as Diego carries him away bridal-style (ha, I’m so funny). It is delightful.) (His ship is a terror they call The Kraken. Ha, get it? Get it - because Diego’s name - and the monster from legend - okay yeah I’ll shut up now.)

Allison is a badass goddess, covered in colorful tattoos with gold in her hair. She was a prostitute for awhile, stealing a bunch along the way, but one day one of the pirate captains who approached her tried to take more than he paid for. She broke both his hands and killed him in cold blood, then defeated his entire crew in a sword fight single-handedly, earning their respect. She now rides with that same crew as their captain, in one of those off-the-shoulder poet-blouse-corset dresses and high brown boots. Ray is a leutinant who’s been chasing her for years, the two of them flirting back and forth forever… but he’ll never catch her. It’s bad form to arrest your wife.

Klaus is the governor’s bastard son, a totally wild spirit who wears dresses all the time, drinks his weight at parties, and has slept with half the town (marriage is not a problem for him, this is Klaus, we all know he is very down for threesomes). He’s stolen half of Reginald’s shit for Diego over the years, and has been sneaking off to see him just as long, completely in love with his pirate king. Though he’s loved others before - Dave, for example, a soldier whose death broke Klaus into give in to Reginald’s plan to marry him off to Luther (who Klaus loves, just, Not Like That™). The day Diego kidnaps him from his own wedding is the best fucking day of his life - okay, no it wasn’t. That was second best. The best day of his life was the day he and Diego watched Diego’s ship and treasure burn and sink into the sea, and Klaus asked him if he was alright, and Diego just shrugged. Said, You’re the only treasure I need, and kissed him like the world was ending. Yeah. That was the best day of his life, because Diego is the best anything in his life.

Five was a pirate queen until he transitioned a few years ago, though only by word of mouth. No one’s ever seen him. Anyone who works for him doesn’t make it a month outside of the job, usually by his own hands, but people keep coming because nobody knows who he is. He sails alone, though he offers Klaus refuge on his boat for a few days under the moniker Aidan, because he knows Diego loves him, and Five actually respects Diego (if only because he respects Lila who he only respects because he respects Eudora). He hates the Handler for leaving him stranded on an island when he was just a child, an unwanted product of her crew’s hard partying, and has vowed to kill her one day for leaving him alone for so long, ageless in misery. He talks to the mermaid on the front of his ship named Dolores and kills without mercy, and when he finally reveals himself as this skinny pale thirteen-year-old with the grandpa haircut, he revels in the looks on his family’s faces as they try to rebuild their blown brain circuits.

Ben loves Klaus more than life itself, which is, in hindsight, probably why he’s dead. Oh who is he kidding, it’s definitely why he’s dead. Klaus is sort of, kind of, maybe, just a little bit a witch, and they hang witches where they’re from. So when they needed someone to blame for the odd happenings Klaus had caused recently, Ben had taken the blame and worn the noose proudly. Klaus still talks to him all the time, his ghost anyway, and it’s fine - but Klaus lives on the sea now, with Diego, and Ben gets seasick like all the time. (And then he steals Davy Jones’ heart and gets trapped as a tentacle monster, which is honestly not that bad. It helps him scare birds, and Ben likes scaring birds.)

Vanya works as the blacksmith’s apprentice, sad and lonely. She’s been having an affair with the duchess Sissy for years, also working as her maid and a nanny for her son Harlan when asked, but mostly she’s alone, with no one else to care for in the world. (And that creep officer Leonard keeps asking her to marry him, which, just. Ew.) When Five shows up, his hands in his pockets, and offers her a way out, well - what else could she possibly do?

Lila is a badass pirate princess who don’t take no shit from anybody. She wears bright pink ballgowns while skewering people like kabobs, which is funny because she’s a well-known maneater. Literally. (Yes I included a Hannibal character in here because it’s my AU and I can do whatever the fuck I want.) She fell in love with Eudora, and thought she had corrupted the kind sergeant until she found out Eudora had been an undercover pirate the whole time, helping Diego smuggle Reginald’s gold and goods in and out of port. (That’s hot as fucking hell, she blurts when she realizes. Fuck, I’m gonna marry this woman.) She has a serious rum problem she will not be addressing and a collection of pet parrots that will forever prevent her and Ben from becoming friends. When she and Eudora get married, it’s in the middle of the pouring rain while thunder and lightning and gunshots crack around them and they’re killing people and shooting canons left and right (because I may not have shipped Will and Elizabeth but by god if their wedding wasn’t the best fucking thing I’ve ever seen). Now if only she could find the king of the pirates… she’s been hunting Five for years, hoping to prove herself to him, but he just… won’t show up.

Eudora is the sergeant in Reginald’s legions, and has been using her position to help Diego pirate goods since before he even left with Grace. She makes a lot of deals with him, having him carry her cargo and speak with her connections in exchange for her keeping an eye on Klaus for him, which to be honest they both know she’d do anyway. She helped Diego get to Klaus’ wedding and kidnap him, confusing the soldiers in pursuit of the bride, and follows them off to sea, finally home. She feels she owes an eternal debt to Klaus for not being able to save Ben from execution, though she tried, almost desperately. She flirts with Lila all the damn time, and believes in magic, wanting to travel the world looking for it. Most importantly, you should know that she will and has killed for a cheeseburger. (I know they weren’t invented yet shut up.)

Reginald is the governor of the colony, and Klaus’ father. He’s an asshole, one who constantly hunts the pirates because his wife Grace left him to be one. He only has one eye because Grace cut the other out viciously in their last fight, and he’s an abusive piece of shit who lives to terrorize and tax people. Pogo is his assistant / advisor / let-me-stand-here-and-give-you-good-advice-that-we-all-know-you’ll-ignore person. Reginald refuses to die before he catches Grace and sees her hanging in the square - something that seems more and more likely by the day. (HA, Grace says. He wishes.)

Grace is the original pirate queen, and lives in legend. She faked her death after living a double life for years, leaving Reginald and taking her son Diego with her. She knows Reginald doesn’t believe in her death, because she cut his eye out and nearly killed him right before she left, but everyone else believes it. She jumped from the bell tower and Klaus himself “went mad with grief” at the sight of her body, though he of course knows she’s alive and keeps up the story for her benefit. She injured Reginald so severely because he killed Ben, knowing that he wasn’t guilty, and that the witch in question had done nothing wrong anyway. She is known to be fiercely protective of her children, and kind in nature despite her ability to kill you using a historic number of methods. Her crew is made up of refugees who she offered shelter and a better life in exchange for their servitude, including Five, for awhile, who was running a scam. She knows who he is, and remembers his face well - but she keeps it to herself. Though she could match him in a fight easily, she has no interest in battling the boy she has grown to love as a son. (She’s also the one who officiates Diego and Klaus’ wedding, but that’s unrelated.)

The Handler is another pirate queen, and Grace’s greatest rival. She has two pistols at her waist and is not afraid to use them, having such deadly aim that she’s never missed a target - except Diego, which she hates him for. Also for encouraging her first mate and daughter Lila to mutiny, but that’s a whole other can of worms. Her ship is followed by an entire shiver of sharks, who let her use them like water skis whenever she wants. She abandoned Five on an island when he was born into her crew, as she hates children with a burning passion. (There are rumors she eats little boys’ bones. They have yet to be disproven.) Hazel is her snivelling first mate and Cha-Cha is her willing servant and second captain, a master at the wheel and with a sword. Agnes is an old psychic (ha, she’s faking it. She’s got no fuckin’ clue where Five is and will continue to lie whenever asked) she keeps in the brig after kidnapping her years ago, hoping to get a read on Five, who the Handler hates for constantly stealing her goods before they even make it to port. (She has no idea he’s the same boy she left on that island all those years ago - he’s certainly not the only child she’s done that to. But countless are out for her blood… almost every person Grace has rescued was left to die on an island by the Handler.) She eventually dies at Klaus’ hand, who plunges a sword through her heart in defense of his family, who she made the fatal mistake of coming after. (It happened in the same rainy battle where Lila and Eudora were married. He was wearing a yellow ballgown.)

Also Jack Sparrow is super great friends with Lila and he’s married to Will Turner who’s honestly so exhausted but gets along great with Ben and Elizabeth is their ace-aro friend who is a goddamn queen and who Diego has a lowkey crush on and Klaus can geek out with for hours. It’s awesome.

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dietaku · 5 years

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Amazing Quest 1: Chapter 4

The fourth chapter. You know how it is. Thanks for reading!

Chapter 4: 2 Million Leagues Under the Sea!- We get another sepia tone flashback, this time of an only slightly-younger Hiro and Emilia. Emilia: Well… your form is good. But you swing your sword like a little girl. Hiro: I don’t like hurting people, sis. Besides, everyone knows YOU’RE the messiah the Pudding tribe has awaited! I’m only here because mom had that bottle of aged tequila lying around. Emilia: That has nothing to do with anything! You need to have more confidence! … Wait, I got just the ticket! Emilia runs behind Hiro and plays with his hair. Hiro: Um. What’re you doing? Emilia: I’m giving you a Pudding Warrior Knot in your hair. It’s an ancient custom of our tribe that when a Pudding Warrior comes of age, he gets one! Hiro: Oh. That’s pretty neat. Emilia finishes, presenting the now French braided hero, Hiro, we know now. Hiro: Somehow I feel more fabulous than before. Can’t quite place my finger on it. Emilia: It’s perfect! You’ll be beating up Dark Puddings before you know it! The scene fades, then returns, Hiro, Ozma, Kimyawa and Loyroll laid out on a beach. Hiro: Ungh. I wonder why I never dream in color. Hiro gets up and the others join him. You’ll soon discover this area is only one screen wide, so you’re left to exhaust every possibility until you investigate the water. Not just any water, though, the ONE specific square, just to the left of center. Many players wasted HOURS trying to find this event flag, and many people wrongly believed it was an anti-piracy measure. Nope. Just shoddy programming. The mermaid from before surfaces. Mermaid: So, thief, ready to pay up? Ozma: Hey! We don’t even HAVE a thief in this party! Hiro: Just a reasonable facsimile. Loyroll: You flatter me, as always. Mermaid: You yoinked the goods from that place without paying its rightful owner! Kimyawa: Isn’t that technically liberating it? Mermaid: QUIT CHANGING THE TOPIC! Kimyawa: What’s your name, Stranger-chan? Mermaid: I’m Mancala! Call me Manny and I’ll punch ya in the mug, got it?! I’m the number one marine merchant mermaid you’ll ever see in the sea! Ozma: Meh, mehmehmeh? Mancala: Ignoring that. The point is you took stolen property. So I’m gonna maroon you here until you pay up! Hiro: (Great. Now what do we do?!) You then get a prompt which can result in some different dialogue options. 1) Barter 2) Lie 3) Beg -Barter- Hiro: Okay. It was just a few things. Can’t be THAT expensive. What’s the tab? Mancala: Well… since you asked so nicely! Mancala brandishes an abacus and begins calculating. Mancala: The items total net value, plus the emotional damage to this delicate mermaid, plus interest, plus tax not withheld, plus tax withheld, social security, deducting the “asked so nicely” fee… it all tallies up to a measly 36 trillion gold! Ozma: Can I crush her head like an overripe melon? Hiro: T-trillion?! Are you MAD?! Mancala: If you’re nice, I’ll even include the “cute boy” deduction! That would knock it all the way down to 34! Loyroll: And certainly a deduction for yours truly, if I may be so bold? Mancala: I’m not into girls. … Much. Loyroll: Pardon? Hiro: There’s no way we have that much. That price is absurd. I refuse. Mancala: SAY WHAT NOW?! -Lie- Hiro: What if I told you I know of a great treasure?! It’d more than make up the difference! Mancala: Okay, I’m listening now. Kimyawa: Hiro-ni-chan! You DO?! You’ve been holding out on us?! Ozma: Hiro, how could you?! Loyroll: Most unfabulous of you, my friend. Hiro: … Mancala: … Hiro: Err. Friendship is a sacred treasure, above all material wealth in the Pudding society! Ozma: (So it was just a lie…) Mancala: *Sigh* -Beg- Hiro: Please don’t make me beg. I am not a proud man. Ozma, Kimyawa & Mancala: (This is about to get really hot…) Hiro: (Suddenly, my pride is flaring up within me and I don’t know why…) Loyroll: Well? We’re waiting. Hiro: On second thought, I think I’ll just take a moment to absorb the scenery instead. Mancala: (Darn…) Regardless of your choice, it comes back to here afterward. Mancala: This isn’t getting us anywhere! Hiro: Is there no way to come to an agreement on this? Mancala: Well… you could be my servants for a while! Y’know, help with this, that and the other for a bit and we could call it square! Hiro: I somehow get the impression you’re more ambitious than that. Mancala: Aww, you flirt~! Hiro: (Not the intended reaction. Why does it feel like my life is in danger now?) Ozma & Kimyawa: *Stare* Hiro: At any rate, we don’t have the kind of money on-hand to pay. So I guess we’ve no choice. Mancala: Well, you’re in luck! I just so happened to overhear some of the Dark Puddings talking about the Water Talisman. Hiro: You did? Where is it now?! Mancala: In the Octopus Garden. It’s some ancient ruins not far from my hometown, Mermania. Regrettably, those have been locked up tight since far back as anyone can remember. But I just so happen to know some juicy gossip that may lead us to a key. The Legendary Ice Key! Hiro: Sounds like a lead! Ozma: Or a diversion from the main plot. Poh-tay-toe, pah-tah-tow. Mancala: Either way, I need some henchmen and you need the talisman, right?! I knew it soon as I saw that birthmark! Hiro takes a moment to examine himself. Hiro: Okay, seriously, where is this birthmark you people keep going on about and why do I not see it? Mancala: But that whole “air-breather” problem… there’s only one fix for that! Hiro: Oh no, not another racket… Mancala: Calm down, calm down. It’s a Mermaid’s Kiss! Hiro: Oh. Is that some kind of stone? Or maybe a plant? Or— Mancala leaps from the water, her tail morphs into legs, allowing her to glomp Hiro. Accompanying in a loud, cartoonish “SMOOCH” sound effect, which always gets a giggle out of me. Hiro: W-whoa. That was… brusque. Ozma: *Furious* Kimyawa: *Envious* Loyroll: *Yawns* Are we ready to go now? Then we can enter the water and dive to the underwater map. Though, thanks to aquatic canyons, we can’t just go anywhere we want… yet. Our first stop is down south a ways at Mermania, a recurring city throughout the franchise. There, we can get the “Bikni” armors for our female party members, which give a serviceable boost in defense to each. Hiro and Loyroll can get the “Trnks” which are a step up, but not as huge of one. How does an armor that covers less protect more? It is one of the long, lost legendary mysteries of JRPGs. Anyways, if we talk around at the merchant’s guild here, we’ll learn that Mancala has lost her trader’s license 17 different times due to “questionable practices”. The others roll their eyes when they learn this news but refrain from commenting. After talking to enough merfolk, Mancala fans out from the party. Mancala: Okay! We got everything we need? The legendary ice key is held in the underwater volcano! Hiro: I’d question the physical possibilities but somehow I feel like I’d just be encouraging you at this point. Mancala: Oh, don’t be so glum, chum! It’s pretty much a straight line there! … With a few curves and bumps. And a giant, angry dragon at the bottom. Hiro: Ah. There’s the hitch. I was waiting for that. Loyroll: Slaying a dragon? It’s a tad cliché but I think we can handle that! Mancala: Then what’re we waiting for?! Let’s do it! Ozma: What? You mean stroll up to the dragon and punch it in the face? Mancala: … Yes? Ozma: Metal. Kimyawa: Sugoi, Ozma-chan! At this point we can move back to the ocean floor and the cave in the top-right area is open now. Had we gone he previously, Hiro would’ve met the Giant Sentient Block, a really existential gag that plagues AQ players for years to come. In fact, in the early-internet era, whether this pseudo-character even existed was up for debate, as most of his appearances in this game are very easily missed. The cave itself is pretty straight-forward, except about midway, where the current puzzles spell out great confusion for those who tried to brute force the puzzles, which would flush them down a comically oversized pit where you’d battle the Toilet Snake monster, which is obsessed with poison attacks. Otherwise, the local monsters like the Munchkinfish, Seaweeder, and Poof Fish are actually quite weak compared to other monsters around this level. Here you can find a Coral Abacus for Mancala, replacing the nonsense “TmSn” Abacus she comes with normally (the Japanese name is “Termite Snack” and I guess they were okay with letting everyone assume it meant “Thompson” or something!). Afterward, you just press on down the stairs… up until you enter the gameshow chamber. Yeah, that’s not a joke. The party fans out and stands behind a podium as a huge, anime octopus-man plops down in a suit and tie. Octopus: Welcome, ladies and gentlefish to Amazing Quest: The Game Show: The Video Game: Home Edition v. 1992! I’m your host, Otto! And you lucky heroes are in for a treat today! You get to try my quiz game challenge! Win and you’ll receive fabulous prizes! Fail and you get… well, nothing! Are we ready to play?! We then get a prompt of “Squid yeah!” or “Fin no!”, but obviously the game won’t let you progress until you at least TRY, so, yeah… Otto: Question 1 will be an easy one to get your feet wet! What tribe is Hiro from? We get a prompt between “Pudding”, “Protagonist” and “Team Laser Explosion”. The answer is quite obvious. Otto: Correct! Question 2: What is Ozma’s family name? This one is a little trickier, being given the possible answers “Trouble”, “Tohrubble” and “Toruble”. Just be aware of what her name REALLY is, and you’ll be fine. Otto: Great job! Really kraken ‘em up! Question 3: What mystical artifacts, when united, unleash a great and terrible power? The answers this time are: “The DisKord Stones”, “Hell’s Bells”, and “The Talismans”. Interestingly enough, the other options are shout-outs to DOS-era adventure titles, which AQ4 later also shouts out to. Otto: Whooo! Now we’re gilly getting into it! Question 4: What elemental affinity is the first boss of this game? The prompt is just Fire, Water and Pie, so the answer is obviously water as it was the monster in Fog Tower. If you say Pie, Otto’s arms drop to his sides, as he turns to face the player directly and will stare at you for 10 tedious, unnerving seconds before prompting you to try again. Otto: ALRIGHT! Last one and this one separates the squids from the suckers! Question 5: Which of these is NOT an element of magic?! The answer prompt this time is four options wide, including: “Music”, “Emotion”, “Boobs” and “Food”. You’d only know the answer to this if you read the instruction booklet – which specifically references the elements of magic in the AQ universe. This is kind of a jerk move by the game devs, as losing the manual in the early SNES era was a foregone conclusion by all but the most dedicated collectors. The answer is technically food, but the AQ manga series actually contradicts this during the “Great Pudding Cook-Off” arc. Otto: N-no way! What an amazing contestant we had on the show! Everyone, put your fins together for our new winners! A bunch of fish suddenly leap-on screen and shake about excitedly as the SNES strains to emulate the sound of uproaring applause. Then they retreat to whence they came. Otto: How do you feel? Hiro: A little drunk? Otto: YOU HEARD IT HERE, FOLKS! Now, enjoy your fabulous prizes! For answering all five correct, we get 3 “Fishy Hats” which are helmet upgrades that anyone in the party can put on. We’re then booted from the quiz room and resume our trek through for a few more rooms up until we reach the boss chamber. There, there’s a huge hole in the center of the room, glowing red. Hiro: I have to assume this is where the dragon awaits us. Mancala: Better go up and check just to be sure, Hiro! We’ll wait back here, where it’s safe! Hiro: *Sigh* Very well. One moment. Hiro walks to the lip and looks down. Hiro: Deep. But I don’t see anything. Hiro kicks a small stone from the lip down below, then puts a hand to his ear to listen for it. Hiro: … Deep. Very deep. But I still don’t— The screen begins violently shaking. Hiro: Well, I’ve been wrong before. -Boss Fight!- Trench Serpent LP: 7500 MP: 1000 This gigantic beast is a real threat at last! I hope you took the time to level up on your way here! Your best bet is use Kimyawa’s Fox Flip, if you’re leveled high enough to have it by now, which can briefly confuse the monster to some considerable effect. However, it mandates being quite a bit over-leveled to use here, so she may be money ahead to spam the Mirror of Kii. The serpent’s most dangerous move is “COWABUNGA!” which sends a killer tidal wave over the party – never mind that we’re already underwater during this fight. Your Pudding Swirls should be sufficient, provided you’re not careless. If you monitor your HP burn, you should come out on top. -Boss Fight!- Hiro: Whew… that was surprising. Mancala: Look! The Ice Key! A banana in a block of ice floats down to Hiro’s hands. Hiro: I lack the words. As usual. Mancala: We have it! Now we can go to the Octopus’ Garden! Hiro: Tell me it’s not a quiz game. Mancala: Probably not! Loyroll: Life is far more fun when you never know what comes next, right? Hiro: I guess so. At this point we –can- go on to the next area, if we wanted to. However, a hilarious and easily-missed Easter egg awaits those who return back to Zaius and Heston. The people gather at a neutral ground once you walk into one of the cities. Hiro: Okay. Everyone. Watch very carefully. I’m gonna bring peaceful resolution to this once and for all. Hiro brandishes his sword, then cuts the Ice Key clean in half. Mancala: HIRO! WHAT THE HELL?! Hiro: Just watch. This is going some place. Hiro takes the banana free of the ice, then peels it from center-out on both ends. Crowd: WHAT?! N-no way! No one has ever… how did he DO THAT?! Hiro: See? Now you understand: there’s more than just two ways to do something! And each is equally valid. And now we all learned an important lesson, right? Crowd: HE HAS ANGERED THE VOLCANO GODS! Hiro: Beg pardon? The camera pans out as a nearby mountain erupts into a volcano, the magma pours out and wipes out both villages in a flash. It then cuts back to the party. Mancala: Oh. Right. This place is ruled by the twin brother gods of volcanoes: Rilk and Klir. They also had very particular food habits. And banana peeling was one of their sacred doctrines. Hiro: … How was I supposed to know that? So with two more destroyed cities under our belts, we find the Melted Blade, a new sword for Hiro as we return to the sea for the Octopus Garden. The garden is a 3D maze, using a really curious fixed-perspective isometric view and water spouts that move Hiro up and down as you run through. People have wasted HOURS of their lives here due to the numerous deadends and confusing layout. This is also only the first screen. The second area has moving platforms which Hiro must traverse in order to cross a river. For some reason, this ordeal seems quite nostalgic, doesn’t it? The third area introduces the garden’s true gimmick – the octopus jars and the red and blue octopi. When you get here, the party fans out. Mancala: Ah. I’ve heard of this room. We have to approach it from a certain angle! Hiro: I don’t suppose you know what it is? Mancala: Grandma said this: red octopi are friendly and will pull you near them for a closer look! Blue octopi are shy and if approached, will politely move you away from their homes! But don’t fear – neither will harm you! Hiro: What on Earth does THAT mean?! Mancala: I dunno. Why? Hiro: … Kimyawa: Nii-chan, I think I understand! The octopi-tachi are different colors here. Red will pull us near from far away and blue will push us from near to far. And the room is full of holes in the floor. So, to progress, we need octopi-tachi to move us from one spot to another. Hiro: So the riddle lies in the color and the distance. I see. This is the most head-scratching moments in the game, not due to the base mechanics, but to how fiendishly clever the rooms that lie ahead really are. As explained, red octopi reach out three or four spaces ahead to grab us, but will ignore us if we’re one or two spaces out from them, and blue octopi ignore us at distances of three or greater, and will move us away from them three to four spaces if we approach. Using this knowledge we must move about the map step by step to progress. The first room is very simple and just a test of how each works. The second room adds more walls and holes in the floor to test your critical thinking. The third room adds floors that collapse once stepped on (which reset if you leave and come back) and the final room adds conveyer belts for a touch of twitch-reflex testing! Even with random encounters turned off for these moments, this still routinely gets ranked in the top 5 most hair-pullingly frustrating dungeons in the series. Once you get to the end, we see another pit not unlike the underwater volcano end area. Mancala: Oh? Is this the center area of the Octopus Garden? Ozma: Ugh. Not a recolor boss fight. How uncreative can you get? The area rumbles as a large, purple Trench Serpent rises from below. Kimyawa: Ozma-chan, Snake-san didn’t like that comment. Hiro: Get ready, everyone! Before the battle can begin, something flashes across the screen, and the serpent roars, sinking back into the abyss. Hiro: Wait, what? Who was that?! ?: Light Puddings! Prepare yourselves! Ozma: Uh. Strictly speaking only one among us is a Pudding! A tall, slender man with an oversized tower shield on each arm stands before the party. Man: I am Praetorian Mih! Hiro: Of course you are. Loyroll: I understand your frustration, my friend, but you must admit, he’s got style! Mih: You’ve done enough damage, Light Pudding! It’s time your little escapade— Hiro: Excuse me. Mih: What? Hiro: How are you breathing right now? Did you kiss a mermaid too? Mih: Huh? Hiro: We’re underwater, so I just wanted to know if we did the same thing is all or if there was a better way. Mih: Kiss a mermaid? What are you on about? Everyone knows mermaids aren’t real. Mancala: *Ahem* Mih: Bah! I tire of this. Enough banter! Have at you! -Boss Battle!- Praetorian Mih LP: 8800 MP: 750 Praetorian Mih is every bit the human wall his massive design and dual-wielding shields might indicate, coupled with by far the most LP of anything we’ve yet encountered. The best thing to do is to use Ozma’s Table Flip in hopes it reduces this giant’s defenses and use Pudding Swirl with Hiro and Kimyawa in order to give him the offensive edge needed to compete. Loyroll should use the Mirror of Kii, exploiting Mih’s middling magic defenses. Mih’s most annoying ability will be “Safe & Sound”, a special technique accompanied by an unusually cool trumpet solo which will render him virtually invincible for two rounds before he opens up with a party-wide physical blow. However, if you can weather this, he has a 3 turn cooldown on the ability, so he cannot spam it. You’ll have to play the endurance game just as much as he does, but if you keep it up, you’ll send him packing. -Boss Battle!- Mih: Hahaha! Not bad. Not bad at all. But it will take way more than that to defeat the Human Wall, Praetorian Mih! Hiro: How many more times are you going to introduce yourself?! Loyroll: It seems our unstoppable tempo has met with an unmoving mountain! Kimyawa: Nii-chan, I think you’re mixing your metaphors. Ozma: Don’t give up. I have an idea! But I’ll need your help, Mancala! Mancala: Huh? Uh. Okay! Lay it on me! What’s the plan?! Ozma palms Mancala’s head in her hand. Mancala: Eh? Wait, what— Ozma then hurls Mancala head-first into Mih, who slides back as she impacts, coming to the rim of the pit behind him. Mancala falls flat, stars circling her head. Mancala: BARF! Mih: Hahahaa! You must be truly desperate to resort to such flailing, desperate measures! Ozma: Oh, am I? Mih: Huh? What did you…? Oh no! Mih panics, desperately attempting to run as the cliff below him gives out and he plummets into the pit below. After a few seconds of a whistling, falling sound, we hear a violent crash below. Kimyawa: Yatta! Hiro: That was, uh, a creative way of dealing with that. Ozma: I’m pretty pleased with myself. Mancala: My poor head… I’m gonna feel that for weeks! Ozma: Oh, walk it off. Mancala: How do you walk off a headache?! Hiro: C’mon, guys. The water talisman must be… huh? Do you guys hear something? The area rumbles distantly. Suddenly, an explosion rockets up from the pit, sending the party skyward. Hiro: He exploded?! Loyroll: Not just him! The serpent too! Hiro: BECAUSE THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE, RIGHT?! Something shiny flies among the party. Kimyawa: Sugoi! The water talisman! Guy-nii-chan! Ozma: I got it! Ozma grabs Mancala’s tail and swings her around, causing Mancala to grab it. Mancala: STOP THAT, YOU CRAZY BITCH! Ozma: But it just feels SO RIGHT! How can it be wrong?! Ozma learns the Dual Tech – Fish Slap! She’ll grab Mancala’s tail and swing her about like a flail, dealing great damage to a single target. This move deals water-type damage. And we get the Water Talisman! Ozma: The important thing is that we got the Water Talisman now, right? Hiro: No! The important thing is that we’re ABOUT TO FALL AND DIE!!! Ozma: Such a gloomy gus… The party is then viewed falling, crash-landing in a seaside village on the opposite side of one of the underwater canyons that previously prevented our passage from Mermania. They pick themselves up and survey the town. Mancala: Oh! I know where this is! This is Trackland, the town known for its enormous race track and horrible, crippling gambling debt! Hiro: That seems… informative. Never heard of a place that bagged on their own town when they were naming it. Ozma: Might as well have a look around. I don’t see anything else we can do for now. Here we can buy some upgrades, like Kimyawa’s CatCap helmet, Ozma’s Blaz Knuckles and Hiro’s Shing Sword, provided you didn’t find the Melted Blade earlier. By talking to the locals, we learn the Dark Puddings have already ransacked their town, and now their sole joy remains in the race track – famous for being so long it’s also the main highway to the next town! We then go to talk to the operations manager to find a means down said road. Hiro: Hello. We were wondering if it would be alright to head down the race track to the next town. Ops Guy: No, no, no. You don’t “head down” the race track. You RACE down it! That’s why they call it a RACE track! Mancala: Yeah? Then why do they call something you drive on a parkway and something you park on a driveway?! Ops Guy: Look, I don’t make the rules – I just enforce them. If you try any funny business, I’ll run your butts down and drag you back here for the biggest lecture of your lives! So race properly or don’t race at all! The party leaves the room, then spreads out again. Hiro: Well, so much for the direct route. Ozma: Anyone have any ideas? Loyroll: Why not do what he said? After all, a race sounds like fun! No one can keep up with our tempo! Mancala: We can’t just run the track. We’d pass out from exhaustion before we hit the midway. We need something we can ride. We need a pack mule! Hiro: A town renowned for its race track? Well, there has to be a ranch nearby with animals for such an occasion. Let’s ask around. Heading over to the ranch on the east side of town we can talk to the rancher – a strangely feminine man in a long, white trench coat. Hiro: We need— Rancher: A monster for the race, right? Hiro: Wow, you’re— Rancher: I am pretty awesome. Moreover, you’re wasting your time. The Dark Puddings raided my ranch last month and I’m still putting the pieces back together. Hiro: Isn’t there anything— Rancher: Yeah, if you get a few million going spare, I could lend you one of my thoroughbreds I’ve been raising. Hiro: We don’t have— Rancher: Neither does anyone else, bro. If you want the bargain bin, you’re in luck. This way. Hiro: Are you going to let me— Rancher: No. The rancher leads us over to one particular pen where a sad, squat lizard-like creature with a camel’s hump, two wings and two tails, weighed down by mace-like appendages crawls out. It coughs out dust on Hiro’s boots. Hiro: Is it dying? Rancher: I can only hope. This here is the bottom of the bottom of the barrel. This is the last of the Griffohumps. Hiro: Okay, you’re gonna need to explain that one to me. Rancher: It’s half griffon, half camel-dog. Its eyes also don’t align properly and it’s wantonly flatulent. I’ll let you take it for 100 gold. Take it or leave it. Hiro: Well, that’s a very reasonable price. For an unreasonable animal. I was thinking more of something like a horse… Rancher: Then you’re out of luck, chum. What little I have left other than this guy is for rebuilding and repopulating my ranch. Hiro: Looks like I don’t have much of a choice. We then get a Yes/No prompt, which is entirely pointless as saying no means we just walk around town until we go back and say Yes. In the GBA remake, however, if Kimyawa is level 37 (really, only a few levels higher than the average for this segment) and knows her Fox Inferno technique, this entire segment takes on an entirely DIFFERENT connotation as Kimyawa can replace the Griffohump as our pet in this minigame. But that’s creepy. So I’ll stick with the SNES version, thank you very much. The Griffohump is then dropped into a special Virtual Pet-style menu, which we can access whenever we want by speaking with the rancher. We’re then prompted to name the little guy – his default name is “Stinky”. We can feed it either mundane items, or special items the rancher will offer to sell us, which influence its stats. We can train it in minigames, or by fighting it like it was a monster encounter – which is the most effective means to raise it. Unequip the party and let it beat on the party and its stats will skyrocket, especially if it KOs the party. We can also have Hiro pet it and talk to it, which makes Hiro spout off nonsense jokes that were poorly translated from their original Japanese counterparts. You may persist in doing this as long as you’d like or until you hit the ludicrous 999 stat caps. Really, if you get it to around 150 in everything, Energy, Speed, Acceleration and Defense, you don’t need anything more than that. Return to the ops guy. Ops Guy: You again?! Didn’t you hear me?! Hiro: We’d like to enter the race properly now! Ops Guy: Really now? Well, that’s an entirely different story. Ready to begin? We then get a Yes/No prompt. Select Yes to continue. Ops Guy: Alright! To the starting line! This cues up the race minigame, with Hiro sitting astride the Griffohump, who is barely larger than his owner. The race itself involves running to the right-hand side of the screen as other racers try to jump on/over us. We’re ranked as we go and we must be in one of the top three places in order to win the minigame. Failure to do so drops us off where we started the race and Hiro mumbling something about “Not being on his A-Game today”. Clearing in higher ranks nets us better money and item rewards, but nothing worth freaking out over just yet – but they do get better as the plot progresses. But if we manage to win in 1st, 2nd or 3rd, we reach the chapter’s end! Narrator: And thus, Hiro and his party, riding gallantly atop Stinky, gracefully coast across the valley. What awaits them ahead? Only time will tell… We then get the Griffohump Feather, a key item we can use to access the virtual pet minigame from anywhere, anytime! Don’t forget to feed him from time to time!

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