#I will either sleep so good or be crazy

[bigboysdrinkmilk]

anyway

Goodbye

#I’m walking backwards into hell #with a double dose of edibles #I will either sleep so good or be crazy #let’s find out

[hamartia-grander]

Starting to slowly realise I'm really not doing well mentally and it's. concerning. I feel like I should take a break from tumblr bc it takes some of what little energy I have but it's also my source of joy with friends so idk what to do, like I'd miss y'all more than I'd feel good about being away. But if you notice me talking less/not responding in days it's bc I just cannot. I leave your message notifs up so I don't forget tho <3

#Personal #Feeling dreadful bc so many friends have shared with me things they wrote that I SO GENUINELY AM EXCITED TO READ #I've just had literally no time nor energy for ANYTHING I enjoy in like a month #And I'm also literally not sleeping. I'm either not sleeping or I have recurring nightmares that wake me up. It's god-awful #Therapy isn't helping either cause atp I already know everything they're advising me about it's just not working #Nothing's changed either which ofc makes me feel worse. No meds changed no habits changed nothing crazy happened #I'm just suddenly worse than I've been in years which is Not Good #I feel awful for not being able to read my friends' things if I could let y'all see my mind you'd know I want to read what you write so bad #I just can't right now. I'm sorry #Not to mention work and school have been especially more demanding recently and I literally get home after 8 every single night #Don't even eat dinner til past 10pm #Doing hw until 3am etc etc #It's like high-school all over again but I'm an adult with more responsibilities than ever

[luciana-silentstar]

I decided because I love suffering that everyone gets their own halter.

#-pops on once in a blue moon to update and dip- #like what it's been. ten years since I've basically said 'hey life is crazy but I really wanna try to be active again!!' lmfao #somehow life keeps getting crazier in good and absolutely abysmal ways #have been sleeping on my floor for the past week due to Fun Health Issues which will probably be a thing for the next month+ #and I would b*tch about that but today is the first day in the past week that I have not been miserable so #I'm on a 'I do not feel like sh*t! :DDDD' high lmao #I'm good!! life is just funny and I really need to do standup tbh #when I suffer apparently I am hilarious so silver linings 💕 #chaotically toggles between emoticons and emojis bc f*ck the police no one can stop me #this is me a week *not* taking my prescribed amphetamines ahahaha #on them I am actually relaxed and chill which is funny #off them I'm either a sloth or nighttime kitty zooms basically #my body may b falling apart but you cannot stop my chaotic little mind apparently #ANYWAY broken record babey but I do... want to be more active.... if it happens I'll eat my hat but. #can I just say how elated I am that MORE SNOW #Winter Riders was my first SS game so. snow in game is v special to me and I literally dreamed about this and they MAGICALLY DELIVERED #I have a million critiques but clearly I still love the game and I am very happy with how they handled this lmao #anyway I hope everyone is healthier and a little more mentally stable than I <3 #I love this stupid game a lot it is still my comfort... n0n-object. sldkfj. #also everyone must know I am f*cking OBSESSED with the unicorn oh my god #still a ponygirl at heart ig 😒 owell #also ye Dragonheart got an update!! heeeee #Dragonheart #Illusion #Brilliant Vision #Myth #Chocolate Dream #mostly sticking to two part names but ngl. for certain special horses I'm enjoying the single name options #also the halter thing is to sorta discourage me from impulse buying horses lmfao #I am 99% positive it will have 0 effect lmaooooo but everyone looks fancy now

[averagecatdoodlesenjoyer]

My Ukranian friend told me that she supports israel because she thinks that it's in a similar situation to Ukraine. Like Palestinians are these evil terrorists like russia who attacked first and poor little israel is just defending itself like Ukraine. Am I insane. Am I going insane. Am I actually fucking insane.

#I am Ukranian too if you couldn't tell btw. And I think that. Is a crazy thing to think and to say #All this time I thought that it's irrational for Ukrainians to not support Palestine when we kinda were in similar situations #And like. How can you go through something so terrible and look at people who are going through something like that and think #Yeah they deserve this. (obviously I know it's just racism duh) #But I guess I hadn't considered THAT huh!!!!!! #I'm so mad. And she sent me 100+ fucking messages about this. She's really passionate about defending fucking war criminals I guess #Like. I don't have to tell you all why that's fucked up right. #I am actually going to go insane this shit is unreal. How can you say that with a straight face #I'm not usually that open about personal matters but like #I don't have any friends now lol (better than being friends with racists and genocide supporters btw) so #it's either oversharing on Tumblr.com or just exploding so #also it's almost 5 am I'm going to fucking die but I feel better now so maybe I'll get some sleep I hope #I could go on for hour about every terrible argument she presented that left me absolutely flabbergasted but I'll refrain #for your and mine sanity #Good night and free Palestine. My final message. Goodbye

[justinefrischmanngf]

going through it.

#i literally thought to myself i need to be 6 again which is how you know things are Not Good!!!!!!!!!! #i don’t know what i Want and it’s driving me CRAZY and every option feels so scary but i don’t think in actuality it is #i’m so fucking tired but i can’t sleep bc i was stupid and slept at 6pm and fucked it up #i have two classes tomorrow and i havent done the work for either of fjem #* them which is embarrassing and i need to make a decision that is quite significant and i thought i knew what i was going to do about it #but now i’m not sure and every minute is getting closer to when i do have to decide #and i’ve got a roommate again so i cant even just. like. idk. #and physically i feel like shit and i have to see my dad tomorrow night and i just wish i wasnt attached to anyone ever #but clearly i dont bc i keep doing things that make me attached to things/people so i need to get over myself #and i’m really worried abt something happening at home like idk it’s set off alarm bells in my head #all of this will be absolutely fine i just wish there wasnt an all of this in the first place #and i wish i could fault something other than my bad decisions but at the end of the day these are consequences of my actions so like. #that’s that and now i have to deal with it

[airbenderedacted]

napping for at least an hour or so at some point today would probably also be a good idea tho... like, just so i’m not too tired to do ANYTHING later this afternoon, and so i don’t have too much rest to catch up on when my sleep schedule is fixed :o <3

#bc i think i've heard that missing just 1 night of sleep takes MULTIPLE GOOD NIGHTS OF SLEEP to remedy so aahhhh... #i would like to minimize that potential damahje just a bit </3 #but again knowing me that only ever affects me in the very short term #like literally im a person who could feel insanely sleepy and ready to go to bed one moment #but then experience smthn somewhat exciting/interesting that either makes me so not very sleepy anymore right away #orrrrr that makes me push past it just to stay up for a little longer doing Whatever It Is I'd Like To Do and then oops sleepiness GONE #the secondwind is crazy how do us adhders even live #like when i say GONE i mean fr just GONE-GONE like it just evaporates??? kshdgs or goes from 80% sleepy to 10% sleepy like BRUH #anyway im sure you can easily imagine how i Got in this predicament of super atrocious sleep schedules to begin with #asahabhbvsdhbs

[keii]

Is there an explanation on why I was able to draw faster back then compared to now? Was it because I had to draw a lot for uni and then in my spare time I also drew, so it was just out of habit? Is it because I'm more critical of my work now than before where I just drew for the sake of drawing something? So now that I've been out of uni, I want to draw things outside of my comfort zone? I think I just answered my own question LOL I think it's because I don't want to just limit myself to character portraits and I've been working more on experimenting on different styles... Whereas back then I think I drew faster because I didn't really go outside of what I already knew. Not only that, but I would draw for the sake of posting on social media! Not because I enjoyed what I was posting. Now that I distanced myself from posting consistently from social media, I don't have that mentality of wanting to place my self worth as an artist based on how it's received online. I just draw what I think is fun! And tbh I have a healthier relationship with my art ever since. I think that's it... With that being said... I can't wait to get my own space so I can draw without any interruption.

#the thoughts that plague my mind when i'm taking a long ass time to finish something LMFAOO #i want to finish it NOW but i want it to look GOOD... #see the crazy thing was that back then i would draw from early in the morning to late into the dead of night #i don't have that luxury here bc... i live w other family #but when i move i only have my schedule to abide to so i can work on my own time!! #pls... first half of the year i'm outta here #also idk why but i randomly decided to revisit that old vampire show Angel bc the intro had always been stuck in my head #i remember watching it when i was younger but don't remember SHIT about it #besides their vampire versions looking... like that... and a guy had a cactus face #i actually remember a scene where the cactus dude died... right.. i think he did #that's all i remembered #and this makes me want to rewatch buffy bc i used to watch that too! #tho i don't remember shit about it either #besides an episode where buffy was invisible?? and like i think the blonde vampire guy... was he a vampire... named spike?? #they were sleeping together and someone came in and was wondering why #spike was naked underneath a blanket and he said he was doing push ups LMFAOO #WAS THAT A THING I SWEAR IT WAS #idk why i've been in a nostalgic mood lately for old shows #i look forward to just watching these shows in my own room without headphones #x #shrekeii

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ahaha we r playing it fast and fucking loose out here in the middle of fucking nowhere #like for real. dangerous fucking day. why? bc being around ppl stresses me out so fucking much i cant function #we've done 16hrs of driving in the last 3 days and i have not eaten much bc i get so stressed in restaurants #and so many things either bother my braib or my stomach and nothing tastes good and i csnt advocate for myself and if someone else tries to #advocate for me i get freaked out and paranoid abt being watched #so yeah. low on food and im so neurotic that i cant pee in public restrooms. which is not good so i dont drink much which is double not #good. which is to say that i got up todsy at 6am in an undernourished condition and then did fucking like 8hrs of field work in #the fucking desert. real real bad move. do not fucking do that. my pee looks so bad. god if i dont have a panic attack or burst into tears #by the end of the week it'll b a miracle. im already going all weird. i have v little bandwidth to pretend to b human then i do field work #and it all goes out the window bc im focused and trying to get things done asap and if things arent efficient i start to freak out. so ppl #will try to joke or talk to me and i just stare at them for a beat too long bc my brain is lagging and its all awkward. just like dont talk #to me and let me get this over with. i basically did lunges for like 5hrs my legs r gonna hurt so bad and we have 4 more days. like it was #bad today. like the undergrad with us also thought so. i feel so bad 4 him but hes a good sport. i dont kno whats gonna happen the rest of #the week. i got back todsy and wandered around bc there r like 3 rooms in this field house and i csnt relax if someone else is in the room #i went outside and ate a jelly sandwich sitting on the ground like a weirdo. like im pretty sure im noticeably being weird bc i do try to b #slightly charismatic normally but rn im stripped to my base elements like. oh ur talking to me? ok u arent saying anything interesting so #im moving on. im not gonna speak unless i absolutely have to and im gonna find a corner to hide away in. pls do not contact #hopefully im so stressed ill skip my period bc i do not wanna deal with that on top of everything. and the fact that im wide fucking awake #at like 11.30 after the day ive had is not looking like a good sign on that front. its a sign if fucking crazy. im laying #here on this bunkbed in a too warm room. no pillow bc im a freak and i dont wanna sleep bc im not tried and i cant sleep around other ppl #ugh so many bad vibes. do not do what i did. pls. that was real dangerous. #god i think that was at least a 13 or 14hr day. fuck that. i don't even care abt this project and im worried that's showing #not to mention the bad thing i did like a month back when i was losing my mind has caught up to me. its fine. awkwardly annoying but fine #hhhh actions have consequences ☹️ #tw food #unrelated

[toastsnaffler]

istg one of these days.......

#ya know that post thats like texting lesbians: its throw bowling balls down the stairs day u better be game #one of my fave posts ever in the world #anyway my lesbian flatmate texts like the straight female friend part of that post and i love her but its killing me #its endearing but its so hard not to read it as flirty stoppitttt im already dedicating so much work to repressing this little crush 😭 #ALSO THAT POST THATS LIKE FLIRTING W GIRLS WILL HAVE U ADDING :3 TO UR TEXTS literally so true but I dont think she means it like that 😭😭 #like she talks to everyone that way I remember when I first met her me + my ex spent ages trying to work out if she was gay #bc we were so sure she had a gay vibe but every text felt like it was pointing the other way..... the vindication when I found out she WAS #anyway my resolve weakens with every 😘 emoji like im already thinking abt it dont give me any more ideas !!!! #its not even embarrassing anymore like how am i supposed to exist near someone like her WITHOUT ever having a gay thought #so im not sorry if she sees this. i take rejection like a champ dont be shy #but genuinely tho i dont think shes interested shes just cute like that. and idw make things weird cuz we're still living together next yr #itd be suchh a pain if i made things awkward right when we need to find a place. and anyway my best case is our 3rd flatmates WORST #i wouldnt do that to him god forbid #buuuut...... nope ok enough of that im going back to bed its almost 1am #this is what HAPPENS when u have insomnia tuning into the crazy radio every night #need to get onto dating apps and find smth new to distract me before this gets out of hand....... buttttt i dont want to >:| #its ok my patience is infinite i like playing the long game. i was into my ex for 2 and a half years before i made any moves #i can wait this one out too either itll happen eventually or itll pass. we're good #ok thats GOODNIGHT from me if u read this far wow ur nosy arent u...... jk ily sleep well everyone #muah all round #.diaries

[nightly-ruse]

I think I may be a little odd

#I’ve been thinking about like everything/neg/pos/breakdown inducing #and I think I’m mentally I’ll #like yeah no shit but also it’s very clear #I literally got out of breath the other day talking about wolves and Yellowstone bc I was talking so fast about them #also have very wild mood swings paired with abandonment issues constant shame for ppl caring about me and trauam over friendships bc #so many have gone wrong and I’ve been forever changed or abandoned (both in one case) #I mean I met this girl at a school meet and she just reminded me of a person who hurt me. they had the same same mannerisms looked similar #besides the hair and I had a full panic attack. I feel bad about that she probably was really nice #or how I feel sick just thinking about the local park bc it’s where I was forced to hang out with a ex friend that wrecked me #such a mixing bowl of bad traits #I can focus I can’t remember I’m either too lazy or too hyper to stay still I can’t regulate tone well and scare myself constantly just by #talking. relationships always end in a burning bridge even when they were so good bc I get so paranoid and scared they’ll leave that I leave #myself. jumping to crazy conclusions to the point I start hallucinating due to stress #I mean how do I even explain to my therapist that my only good friends ended with me skipping school the last days bc I thought one died. #she actually just left school early. #that one I kinda get even tho it’s fucking nuts bc tjat year has mentally burned me so goddamn much but still #and even tho I’ve kinda had a constant itch that something completely explains why I’m this way but am too scared to bring it up bc of #change and trauma related to bringing up my own mental health #I don’t even know what thsi is anymore sorry #should just shut up and sleep #I’ll be fine by morning anyways so what does it even fucking matter #ruse rambles #vent tag

[bnuyy]

🌒. . .

#i am very grateful for whatever path led me to being a childcare assistant #it's very healing for the little girl in my head and my heart to play in a daycare with so many toys and in such a big space #but that is the least of it #mainly it is seeing children being taken care of the way all children should be taken care of #like giving them grace when they are angry and crying because they are knew and feelings are so big for their small bodies #*new #and being able to make children feel safe and loved and listened to #my favourite is when a little one either verbally or through actions just says 'i need a cuddle' and i can open my arms to them #it's not just soothing to the child but to me as well #i cant remember ever being on the recieving end of a genuine cuddle when i was small but to give them feels good enough #or when i can put someone to sleep with hair pats and back rubs and humming #i like being a safe harbour for little ones even when they are bein difficult #i treasure these children and feel good about making them feel safer while away from home and their mommies and daddies #because it feels like a mirror like i am also helping myself or setting a precedent for how someone will make me feel safe one day #i sound and feel like a crazy person <3.

[mrburnsnuclearpussy]

I haven’t been actively lately because I only just got internet and phone access where I’m staying rn and I finally have my new sim card in so I can have WIFI HALLELUJAH (I’m only supposed to have 1 hour phone time a day but no one needs to know heheheh)

Anyway I just wanted to say that I nearly died and I will still die and stand for Carson because he is amazing and a good person and season 6 isn’t in character but even if it was what happened to Thomas CLEARLY wasn’t even Carson’s fault and if you say it was then you SUCK and you’re WRONG!!! 😌 CARSON IS MY LIFE AMD MY WORLD AND THATS JUST SOMETHING FHAR YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!

#I’m so happy to have wifi back and I made plans w someone and talked to my mum one to one like a real person and everything’s been insane o #obviously like I was in the icu and now mental ward and it’s been some of the darkest most traumatic time of my life but after talking to th #the right ppl I feel hopeful again and like an entirely difffeernet person from this morning #random tmi life update #hopefully I’ll be able to draw something decent and I can post some Downton animals soon ☺️ lol #force everyone here to care about tiger carson <3 #still obsessed with him #weird stuff going ik this is weird but I like just got my internet and tumblr back and I’m like WHEEEEEEwWWWwwW #maybe there can br hope lifean da future for me #also probably the fucking shitton socktail of meds I’m on rn has something t di with it lol #i think I’m getting some more in. a bit but I’m gonna go to the art room or something and try to draw more or whatever #coz it’s too early to sleep and I’m bouncing with energy! #crazy like I couldn’t even walk by myself a couple days ago and now I’m like chatting with everyone and hyper ^~^ #idk whether to say I feel good or bad at this point coz idk what either means anymore but #yeah like I need that seeet sweet therapy pls fix my BRAIN and the dr upped my meds so Horay that should help too #suicide mention #not rly but just being safe tagging #death mention #? #idk it. and be triggering though I know #like the topic I mean #anyway I stand by and live carson and if you blame him in any way for Thomas suicide I’ll personally kill you

[maddy-ferguson]

i spent 365 out of the last 523 days thinking about a guy i liked when i was 12 because he was the last tether i had to hetero/bisexuality

#tmi alert: #basically in early 2021 i was like: am i a lesbian? i know i don't think guys are attractive and i wouldn't date one i'm gonna try to #determine whether or not i would sleep with one #and he was the one i imagined myself doing it with because he's like objectively good-looking and there's a bit of an emotional connection😭 #and i couldn't even do it in my mind even though with a girl no problem obviously #and so i was like well i'm gonna keep not thinking about that too hard #and then i downloaded tinder and i had only girls usually because as we established i didn't want to date💪 #ignore the emoji lmao i didn't want to date/sleep with a guy but sometimes i would put guys back on to laugh at them mostly bc it was funny #sorry and i'd see guys i knew from school you know and in july i saw him and i swiped right bc it was fun it was funny i wanted to talk #to him again (we knew each other it wasn't a crush on a stranger) and turns out he had swiped right too so we matched yeah that's how #tinder works anyway i said something lighthearted about how it had been a while and about how we used to sit next to each other in this one #class AND HE NEVER ANSWERED? #so of course i became obsessed with the situation and after a while i planned on sending him another msg a year later to be like haha it's #been a year that's so funny...WHICH I DIDN'T DO when the time came because it's more embarrassing than it is funny #but because i planned on talking to him again after a year i thought about it and about him every single day even though it wasn't even #that important i barely thought about him before the whole trying to picture myself having sex with him thing (...) like i REALLY did not #care about him it was just that thinking i was gonna catch up with him and then just not getting to got to me you know.... #and it's crazy because either way i knew nothing was gonna happen but i was like if i had to sleep with a guy lt would be him! so the whole #situation (even though it wasn't a whole situation) kind of did a number on me. then when i didn't send the message it was like i was #instantly cured it's so funny the whole thing (again. not a whole thing) set me back a whole year #and like i say: brf slt

[raeathnos]

.

#yall im having a wild time lately #Saturday was really good- grandma is doing better so I ended up going to the beach for the day after all #had a really good day; I saw a bald eagle and dolphins + found a huge whelk and the bay sunset was beautiful #had the ride home from hell tho #took twice as long to get back because road work + detours + google maps fuckery while trying to find a gas station #we also almost hit a deer and like I live in PA who hasn’t almost hit a deer #but I have never been so close #he leaped out in front of us on the highway and froze #my husband was driving and omg reaction time #he slammed the brakes and I was like there’s no way #either we’re hitting the deer or the car behind us is hitting us or both #we stopped just a couple feet away from it #luckiest deer alive- he snapped out of it and looked at my husband then looked at me and then ran off #shoutout to the car behind us too- they swerved and did not hit us #but yeah he was a big buck and def would have not only totaled my car but gone through the windshield on the passenger side where I was #we got very lucky and so did he #but now I’m sick and I feel like crap #which perfect timing because we have a huge visit tomorrow and the stockroom is a mess #i was dying today cause I gotta lift all the furniture and shit #I literally came home and passed out for five hours and I still feel like I could just go right back to sleep #also I had a video interview last week and they said they wanted to bring me in for an in person interview #and like it’s at a really good company and it pays well and has good benefits #but now I havent heard back #so like watch me get ghosted again 🙃 #I emailed them today so hopefully I hear back but I’m not holding my breath #I need everything to not be so much for a bit #Saturday was good but now things are crazy again

[kimmkitsuragi]

i know it's crazy but lynn has been getting along so well with gale. i wonder if it should be a gale romance run.

#it's crazy I KNOW #i didnt even plan for them to like each other so much lmao #on the other hand ive wanted to romance mr frontiers for monthssss as u know #as ive been crying about occasionally #you know what. what's even CRAZIER about this whole thing #my first 2 romances will be with men either way. unbelievable and inconceivable. #i don't even know what to think or what to say anymore #but! that 'teaching you how to do magic :3' scene came in a such a good time like #right after i had multiclassed to wizard #ughhhhhhhh i think too much about this game that's my final verdict #i will sleep idk #playing bg3

[righteousdelusions]

oh my ex had a psychologist's appointment today, I know because of the last time we "talked" (he admitted stuff I already knew, which is why I acted the way I acted, but he always offers dumb solutions that wouldn't work out anyway)

#my psych side: hmm well it's a tool to improvement good for her #my crazy side: GET FIXED; ASSHOLE #one day i couldn't sleep last week and I thought in reaching out just so that he talks about me being insane in session #ajsjsjsjd i probably don't need to reach out for that to eventually get out #but whatever #everyday i think less of him and actually #the hate is legit getting less potent #i will never NEVER forgive him or want to be his stupid friend #but it's getting milder.... yeah..... #(to be fair he probably doesn't want to be my friend either which GOOD it's a step toward progres you idiot DON'T be friends with your exes #to delete