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#idk whether to say I feel good or bad at this point coz idk what either means anymore but

avalonmoonshinesstuff · 1 year

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I just realised Something about a portion of fandom I don't really engage with all that much. Because I don't want to, btw.

In all other shows, movies, books, etc, every single bad person is at least somewhat 'ugly' according to the narrative. The 'problematic' characters rarely get acknowledged because there are so many good looking characters who are good themselves (I remember Annabelle from the first book of Percy Jackson, I think, and there were more ofc).

However, Rowling's main idea about appearances was that it was an illusion. Every single good looking character is either reprehensible or ends up dying (Cedric) in the same book they were introduced*. The story wants to be relatable to how every teen feels, and no matter what, we all have insecurities.

However, they're just teens, and on top of that, at least one or more of our main teens have done something terrible or badwrong (Hermione with skeeter and Marietta). So, they aren't exceptionally beautiful and neither are they exceptionally good. Even the side characters who are popular come across as jerks to some of their family members, making their sibling cry.

This creates a problem for the people who don't have a sense of self yet, or are so scarred they can only look at life through black & white lenses.

The Halo effect playing greatly onto the above, we're presented with another set of teens, two of whom are described as extremely sought after by the opposite sex, one of whom is popular, and the final one who has endeared himself by showing ugly Snivellus his place (via map and the Verbal Sparring). They all, by the end of this introduction, understand that Snivellus is badwrong and doesn't deserve anything good.

'It's clear he's the villain, and has been since forever, see, these people agree with me and they're the Protagonist's parents.' Whether this is believed because of the Halo effect or taking Harry's perspective to mean a God pov, I can't tell. The point being, they are even more convinced.

They want an escape from how difficult it is to sort out their feeling about these people the author keeps throwing at their face so why not attach to the characters who are dead or strongly attached to the protagonist (so they can never be badwrong in later books). A safety blanket of sorts, if you will. And in doing so, they completely ignore the nuances of the scenes presented in the last book. Because they are attached, they'd rather call badwrong Snivellus' love impure than explore what the montage of all his memories implied. That beauty is skin deep.

The thing about people who like such black and white scenarios and people is: they will always fall prey to the Halo Effect. And it's extremely painful to be disillusioned about your favourites. So they may never get disillusioned.

All this to say, sometimes I wonder why that part of the fandom is like 'that'. And it's just that this is the safety net in this series, or this is just how vanilla people outside of fandom coming in can take.

And that's fine (coz I'm crazy for the marauders era as well, just with a slightly wider taste pallet).

TL Dr: The antis are attracted to wholesome ships and since Rowling made it so difficult to find such ships until much later where you are emotionally connected with each character, the antis attached to a bunch of (mostly) dead people who, by association to the Hero of the story, being pretty, popular, and clear on their behaviour with the badwrong confusing character, are all good. They were desperately looking for the safety net in the books and found some. Also, since antis are the way they are, maybe they believe the fictional character being dead means people would not criticise their wholesome ship? Idk.

A/N:

*The only properly handsome man - Bill - barely gets mentioned, marries a beautiful woman, and imo the only reason he doesn't die is because he didn't revel in his handsomeness or popularity (him liking Snape in school is so cute + that disqualifies him from being popular with the antis since he likes the badwrong character). Also, he was literally scarred on his once handsome face to show that his wife actually loved him and didn't just choose him to have beautiful babies. Her being a veela and owning her Frenchness were already flaws (in the narrative's opinion) so all she needed was a scarred husband. Now, they both don't have to die 🤣.

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matan4il · 2 years

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Hi, first off I will like to say I absolutely love your metas and thank you so much for doing them! I am currently in a personal finance class and we are talking about making a financial plan for people and that you very much have to take their personal life into account. I then asked if my sister hypothetically left me her child would that factor into my plan. (I don’t even have a sister and I was asking purely thinking about Buddie) My teacher said yes it would and that is something that would require both parties to be involved in the planning for life insurance and such. But I also find it interesting that he mentioned he would take into consideration if the parent is likely to pass away sooner or later so that you can have the appropriate funds. Which is especially relevant since despite Eddie being very in shape he has a dangerous job.

Overall it just made me think that a Buddie conversation about Christopher is still so needed and necessary. But also it made me imagine that even before Eddie told him Buck was going to have money saved for Christopher. Because he is that boys second dad and he wants Christopher to be taken care of.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. And thank you for metas again!

Hi lovely! Awwww, thank you so much for the warm and kind words, I appreciate them so very much! :***

OK, first off, I love that you brought up that question specifically for Buddie! XD Second, I'm glad you sent this ask, it's a really good point you bring up here. Anyone deciding on a legal guardian for their kid would take that person's finances into account. To be accurate, the idea of whether the designated guardian can even financially afford to take care of a kid unexpectedly. I know this is why I am not secretly anyone's kid's legal guardian in their will, because while everyone that knows me, knows I adore kids and connect with them immediately, they also know what I do for a living, while really satisfying and allows me to feel like I'm helping to make the world a slightly better place, it is financially a disgrace. I can't raise a kid on how little money I earn. Meaning, my friends don't need to know my specific financial plan to know I am not a candidate for this job, despite how good I am with kids.

My point is, the fact that Eddie didn't just consider Buck for this, but actually wrote Buck in his will, I think it suggests that Eddie has a pretty firm grasp of Buck's finances to know that it is more than possible for Buck to take Chris in. We know Buck is bad with math, so... does this maybe imply he goes to Eddie to help him with his finances, taxes, etc? IDK, but I like the thought that Buck trusts Eddie that much!

And yes, those two def need to have a conversation about the guardianship, plan it out in more detail. Maybe they had it off screen already. Maybe, assuming Eddie returns to the 118 during 5b, they'll have it on screen soon, as part of discussing precisely that risk that Eddie is taking when he does his job... I'm hoping for the latter, but I won't be disappointed if we don't get it on screen, 'coz if we don't, I would still feel they probably had it off screen (just like the show has repeatedly shown us that Buddie are so close, they exchange so much more info than we see on screen).

Thank you sooo much for this, hon! I'm really happy you enjoy the metas and I hope you continue to! xoxox

(Sorry for the length, thank you for the ask and please have a look at my ask tag if you're looking for another ask reply. xoxox)

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thisdreamplace · 3 years

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I had a nasty fight with my former bff. This was long ago. She did the whole 'boycotting me' thing at school and afterwards had a mutual friend pass her msg to me, saying "tell her [me] to get it into her skull that she's not the center of the world, who does she think she is? Stop acting like a #" Im simplifying the words, her actual words were nastier

I got thinking today abt this fight, and her comment abt me that is still way too fresh in my mind even tho I hadn't recalled it in 2-3 yrs!, and I actually decided to use the law to revise my friendship to feel better as what happened after the fight was shameful on my part. But before I knew it, I started rmmbring my relationship with her. How I became a total victim. Got so stuck on her validation, begged her to be friends with me (after I got the degrading msg. 🤕 silly me w/o a backbone lol) and stayed her 'bestie' for way too long. Only after it's all over im noticing smth messed up abt out 'feiendship'. It wasnf that normal I think. She would get so pissed if I did anything that went against her thoughts/beliefs/way (which is why she called me a selfish # that major fight). It was so subtle the way she showed her disapproval. To her, if I did anything not aligned with her, or even makih decisions on my own which didn't involve her, it was wrong. And had consequences like her beinf distant for days etc, or getting angry if I didn't mind read her bla bla, I just had to keep her at the top 24/7 and she expected everyone else to do the same... which I thought was normal... It wasnt. And what would be even more crazy is she never realized how that meant she always wanted the attention. That she always wanted it her way! It just makes me feel... Sad.... When I look back. How couldn't I have notived it before? I used to be strong headed, opinionated before I became 'besties' with her.. That all has changed. I wonder why -_-

It may be dumb on my part but with the weak mind and insecurity I had then, I took that fight/her reaction to the heart and internalisef this stupidiy (DENY MYSELF if the other alternative was denying HER. I didn't think it was wrong. For the oldme, it really wasn't wrong smh). Aaah I'm so sorry old me :(

This fight started bcoz she asked me for smth and I refused, instead of relenting like I always would, and I see now that her reaction (to me not being an obedient # to her ig?🤢) was basically her setting rules. It was wrong of me to refuse, yes, but why did she react that way? Why did this pattern continue? That everyone was selfish if they didn't think of her ;_; like how do u deal with this? And the icing is when I too started to defend her and make excuses for her all the time. And ik I'm making her out to be so strong, don't worry... I accept the strong only rule when the weak submit. And I was weak as hell, so its understandable this whole thing. I think 😅

Idk. I seen your posts abt eyipo with other anons so i hope u can tell me figure out what this was. Its clear to me she was projecting smth about me, and mb throughout our whole friendship she was projecting me. And I would think it was her hurting me, that she was right and I was wrong or maybe I did smth wrong. Mb I thought I deserved being punished that way?!

Today I suddenly had an aha moment and I realised... this is how a victim thinks. I didn't know I was a victim when I was living that stoey aka thought I was powerless. When in fact I really wasn't?! Haha still accepting I 555% created ALL that. The law can knock you out haha

Enough old story I just want to ask, what du u think the msg she sent to me was? Did I really deserve such a reaction (did I mention she included other girls in the boycot? 🤢) just for standing up for myself? What about the whole 'fight' aka showcase of power? And the entire yrs of being friends why did I never realize I was only hurting myself so much by putting her before me? And also, with the everyone pushed out thing, how did it fit in? Like why the hell did I give her too much power in validating me by giving in after the fight in the first place?, and while I did have some fun times (saying this so anyone else who reads this doesn't think it was pure torture lol. We had some common interests tyat no one else in the class shared when we first became 'friends'), deep down I was so unhappy so why didn't this reflect on her? I mean why didn't she ever sense just how much she'd hurt me, why didn't she see how much I put on the back burner coz of her?! Was it as she saw it as her right? I'm just so confused

This is still a bitter pill to swallow tbh but I have to face this in order to move on. This person and my life with her has left me wit many scars and I got to understand how I did this so I never attract such a person in my life again. Its not even abt bejnf a victim. As I said, these victimy things were subtle and I only noted them when it was too late and I was a shell, like she getting super pissed and disapproving if I had a differing opinion and me blowijg it out of proportion and tailoring my views or not expressing them so as to not feel the disapproval...thanks boycott conditioning ig? 😭 Aaaah even talking agaunst her rn is making me uncomfortable. Which makes me think I still am scared of her subconsciously even tho she's no longer in my life. Like, what in me made me choose her? I haven't healed, obviously by this ask as u can tell, but idk what is it in my self concept that had this whole thing in my past even happen

My friend, I also want to say I think you're a beautiful soul 🥺. And im sorry for the long ask lol. And I pray you'll always have all your desires. And plz, was it hard for u at first when u learned about u creating everything? The good, the bad, and the repulsive (like this story)? How did u get over old stories? Ty ty ty 😭

To begin with you're being really harsh on yourself. Like, I know it's hard, but it's never that serious. And trust me, this is something I have to remind myself of regularly. Because there have definitely been moments in life where I look back on myself in that moment, and I feel like I was pathetic and would slap myself if I could. But the truth is, there's just no need for any of that. We always did the best we could. We always did, period. We couldn't have done anything differently and this will continue to be true our entire lives. Looking back on the past with such overwhelming feelings, is really not needed. I get looking back to learn from it, but practice coming from a place of love and acceptance instead. It will help you grow, rather than get stuck back in this cycle of self-hate and confusion. Plus, you actually never need to analyze the past to grow but that's beyond the point right now.

To me, by reading your ask, the message she sent to you was clear. You feel you deserve less in life, you feel you're not good enough, you feel like a victim to life and others, you feel like you're not empowered or the operant power of your reality. It's not about her being wrong and you being right, and I get this is one of the hardest pills to swallow. Everyone is you pushed out. Therefore, there's simply no such thing as who is right and who is wrong anymore. It was only ever you.

When it comes to everyone is you pushed out, you have to understand this person isn't this way because that's who they are. They were that way because that's who you were. Inside of you, you brought their character to life. Therefore, the same way you are not stuck to such an undesirable self concept, neither is that person. It's not that you chose her and attracted her in. You were just dealing with yourself. That's what I hope you walk away from this response understanding. Because by thinking she was outside of you, you're missing the mark. And this is such an important concept to understand when it comes to the law of assumption, because it's really at the forefront of everything. People play such a huge role in our lives, whether it's relationships, jobs, opportunities, etc etc. So understanding how everyone is you pushed out actually works is extremely important.

So instead of putting all this blame on her or even putting the blame on yourself, all these memories really do is give you a glimpse into who you were at the time. It shows you the beliefs you held about yourself. It shows you what your self concept was. That's all it's doing. So in that way, there's actually no one to blame at all. I know it feels good to put blame, even when it's on yourself, but the truth is there's no room for blame when you learn about the law. You simply take responsibility and become empowered by the power you have held this entire time. And you practice making it work in your favor.

If you want to see how something was apart of your self concept, all you have to do is pay attention to what you are thinking/feeling. Shame, not being good enough, etc etc is all just stories you once held onto. Now you don't have to hold onto those stories anymore. Now that you know the power you hold, you get to make a new decision for yourself. Rather than ruminating of the painful past, allow it to be and know how that's not your story anymore.

Was it difficult for me to accept how I created everything? Yes and no. It's been a journey. While I could accept it logically, emotionally it was still very painful. Many times I wanted to cry and lash out when I felt alone and felt upset that no one was there for me. Although, I knew deep down it appeared that way because of my own concept of self. So yeah, it's been a journey. And it's honestly not always delightful. But this is the journey we have to take for the rest of our lives, so we might as well get used to practicing and applying these concepts. Instead of continuing to hold ourselves in such painful lights. I got through old stories, and I continue to get through old stories, by feeling all the pain that came up. By allowing myself to cry and feel however I felt like during those times. And in the back of my mind I knew I was getting stronger in my power. I knew how I would keep persisting once the pain subsided. And little by little, old stories fade more and more. That persistence to continue choosing better for yourself, is truly more powerful than it may seem in a difficult moment. Have trust in how it's all working out for you regardless.

Hopefully this is helpful! Thank you for your kind words. 💖

#eiypo

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unproduciblesmackdown · 4 years

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let's do a classic Primez ask

thank you lol Prime Time is.....6 am is when im posting this, christ lol what else is new around here........Good Morning in advance lol and [rise and shine sailors it be monday]

2: Favorite book?

i don’t have one lol

3: Favorite fictional character?

i also don’t Properly have like, all-time ultimate Faves in these kind of categories either, but there’s still standouts at least lol......obviously lately it might show that i’m enjoying winston billions a lot, and natch that’s just One of the many wrol roles i’ve been glad to discover. natch winston, jared, and jeremy are fave raves amonth them

5: What’s your favorite fictional ship? (Canon or otherwise)

this is the same as the [fave fictional characters] thing in that like, sometimes i’ll Consume something where i don’t have any, and generally i’m out here multishipping and not like live or die by one Specific Pairing, if i like a character i’ll also probably like Many of their dynamic/s with various other characters, unless the options are That limited.......tying this in to the fave fictional character thing, re: winston, naturally tayston and benston, aka the fruits of us all combining our Genius, are top tier and here’s riawin where we don’t know for sure where it’s going but we’re getting some great Dynamic(tm) stuff anyways.....and natch re: jared i Enjoy Kleinsen (as something to make up ideas about that are outside canon and also as a perspective thru which to analyze canon) and re: jeremy.....stagedorks is beautiful, wild to have canon just give you some content that’s already as good as that

7: List 3 negative traits you have

well i can be fairly anxious about certain things, which is mostly negative for me lol.........a more negative 2-way street is that i’m just generally in defensive mode around people lol, often i’m like, just trying to avoid Attention entirely and/or like uh oh attention, gotta try to just avoid taking damage from it lol.......on a gradual journey to just being default More Unpleasant / less accommodating lmao......not that i can’t be sometimes, or that i can’t be Genuinely Friendly with randos coz i like their vibe and actually Like socializing lol.........and then re: the challenges of socializing, it seems like maybe when i’m in an interaction i get caught up in [uh oh how do i Respond a) at all b) in a way that’s Good(tm)] and it maybe makes me less attentive to the other person / a worse Listener smh

11: How do you decide when it’s time to cut someone out of your life for good?

idk luckily it’s not something i’ve had to do left and right lol.......but ime it’s Also not exactly like. usually a “ah Now Is The Time to have zero relationship with this person” and most often it’s like [gradual distancing period that is mostly passive] and/or just choosing Not to reinitiate any sort of relationship........though re: more active approaches lol it’s more like. time to try to tune into my [does this feel like something indefinitely sustainable / something you actually Want to have continue in any way] gauge or whatevs. and then still it’s like, sometimes easier if moments happen to come along that provide an [opt out?] choice presented to you kinda lol.........if it’s someone You don’t want to be involved with really but they don’t feel the same and it’s “on you” to decide to peace out at some point it’s more difficult coz such [do you want to opt out]-distilled Moments probably don’t seem to manifest but i think that’s a useful thing to be aware of in itself........i.e. that there’s not always going to be a Narrative-Friendly “point of no return” / clear Line Being Crossed and even if it Doesn’t feel like “i can’t / don’t want to deal with this for Literally one more day” that doesn’t mean you should totally stick it out / don’t have enough reason to decide that you are Done at this particular moment even if you haven’t been Done prior or think you plausibly hold off on it. don’t need to have some kind of story where you think if you Explained it to anyone or everyone it’d universally be understood and everything would applaud like “Yes, the Right Decision” lmao like. not their business....

13: What are your favorite lyrics currently?

well with our groupchat in the replies to that Eternally Crying Over The Bar Song post..........just enjoy the “stay here for a while / cuz it’s nice / cuz it’s holy” part of the refrain, a fun part of the music, and that classic iconis like, lyrics being in a sort of character Voice and yet getting the idea / feelings across effectively even when the words are sort of general or simple.......”shooting from the heart / but we’re all a lousy shot” is great lol and also “say you will always be here” ending with “for one more” is like, there’s another Broader Idea / Sentiment expressed so effectively :’|

17: If you could make a wish, what would you wish for if you knew it would come true?

i can’t do any fun answers lmao it’d just be like [political commentary] but that’s warranted lbr

19: How do you handle heartbreak? Is it something that’s easy for you to get over, or something you struggle with?

lmao i think it is like By Definition not easy for anyone to get over / Not struggle with.........can’t say i’ve had Romantic Misadventures exactly but uh yeah it feels bad to feel bad but i like......wait it out???? idk lmao you can’t really just timeskip past.....Heartbreak Sucks For Everyone Cuz That’s Kind Of The Whole Thing

23: What do you want your future to be like?

pandemic-less, fascism-less........i can’t say i’ve ever been someone like “yea i Know what i want to do and have this whole plan set out how i’m gonna do it lol” i remember when i was like 4 or 5 or whatever being asked What Do You Want To Do When You Grow Up and i was like “shit idk.......i like dinosaurs so i guess paleontologist??” and it was as much a mystery going forward.........always and still mostly playing things by ear with a few vague “if / then” type ideas......aren’t we all though ig

29: Do you think zodiac signs can influence someone’s personality to an extent?

what do i know but i Don’t like or respect the recent years trend ppl being way into it like this isn’t [being really serious about hogwarts houses] or Earnest Myer Briggs Types energy that everyone’s bringing to it......like what are you getting out of trying to be this Prescriptive based on when ppl’s parents got into it. meanwhile i’ve been on the edge of my seat since someone tweeted about “when will we get the first astrology discrimination lawsuit” re: a story about ppl wanting a housemate with a certain sign for compatibility reasons. and like again if it Is like “yes there are time-of-year Personality Types for Objective Real” like. okay, still, what is this Approach that ppl have....doing for anyone.....

31: What does ‘self care’ look like for you?

not very fancy lol i’ll be like “damn i think i haven’t eaten today” and then do it......or be like hey here i’m gonna Do A Stretch or some shit. walk around. step outside if it’s nice. both true that Self Care has inherent limitations re: like we can’t just cancel out all the detriments to our wellbeing via Personal Choices and yet also we can’t Not look out for ourselves how we can......i’ll watch something that i Enjoy. or just knock out if it’s like “christ i need a mood reset” or i’m trying to timeskip through a headache. pet a cat. i like to try to be Appreciative of everyday ordinary shit......also messing around Making Stuff whether drawings or otherwise can be a good helpful use of time, i like talking to people who i like talking to, and other stunning stuff like that lol

37: Have you ever been surprised by someone staying in your life?

not really lol coz again with how i’m pretty slow to realize that someone is like, nonzero actively interested in interacting with me on a regular basis, and then once someone’s In My Life there’s no particular point where i go “whoa....You’re still here??”......ig sometimes there’s like, Friendly Acquaintances where it’d be Unsurprising if they just sort of dropped fully out of the orbit but they do not

41: How do you show you care?

hmm i sure like to do ppl favors / give them gifts / help them out w/ whatever, hang out / generally be Around them where like, doing [parallel tasks] works i.e. maybe we’re doing different things but in the same room.....just like to Talk and all and listen to ppl and Learn Things About Them, try to pick up stuff re: ways that ppl express like “hey to me it conveys Being Cared About when ppl do ___”........food/cooking is a love language......that thing where shit you’d be way too anxious to do on your own For Yourself is like, oh i’m absolutely gonna do it on behalf of someone i care about.......all this stuff is more like, Possible in person lmao rip. i Care you guys

43: Which of the seven deadly sins do you feel represents you the most?

who is your hellsona and what is their origin story (how they got condemned to hell).........if i’m irritable / argumentative am i wrathful? you could presumably someone saying yep it is inherently the one deadly sin of lust if you’re queer.......at any given time i’m passed out and dreaming about “fuck capitalism and the protestant work ethic” and that’s sloth i guess. and okay i went “who named an animal after a The Deadly Sin as if it’s like ‘wow fuck this animal for choosing not to zoom around as though they could and i apparently think that they should’ tf” and in looking it up i immediately learned the Sloth Fact that apparently their shits are insane and also the most dangerous thing they do?? like they poop only maybe once a week and All At Once so that a single dump might knock off a third of their total weight........and it’s pretty much the only time they leave the upper branches of trees, in that they crawl down to hold on to the trunk and take this monster shit and naturally they’re not great on the ground so Pooping is like the leading cause of death for sloths in the wild. and i think they ought to be named after that.

47: What are you passionate about?

oh man [i am passionate a lot.mp3] lol.........always having a variety of Interestes which i like to talk about / potentially make things about.......decent amount of subjects i like to learn things about even if i’m bad at like, actually learning things generally lmao, what’s Not losing focus on shit.......idk it’s not that hard for me to like go off about Whatever, got these jack of all trades interests / areas of Some knowledge, i’m opinionated and probably have something (extensive) to say about anything as just part of my charm lol, and just in general i can get Enthused / worked up about things..........also passionate about various [niche gay shit] things eternally. whoms among us isn’t

#let's see if my genius plan of [lie down and try to nap and also try to wake up circa noon] works.....#employed that the other day Yet Also was like ''i Will finish this drawing today'' which entailed staying up till like 7-8am so.......

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light-of-being · 5 years

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05.02.19 (treading tentatively forward)

Today was good. Long, exhausting, but good.

Last year was really hard for me and I spent pretty much all of it in survival mode, which is kind of just a sad way to live and was bad for my academics, leadership roles, etc, although I accept that there was no other way at the time. I can confidently say that I’m probably a lot better at coping now than I was before. But I wanted to take a more proactive approach this year -- to live more...intentionally, so to speak. To kinda build a life beyond just survival.

My main concerns were around energy and being able to do this without just collapsing entirely. I find it hard to imagine successfully sustaining studies, health and household tasks simultaneously. But perhaps I’m just being excessively miserly with my energy and I should just allow myself to be tired, to do things beyond the point of exhaustion, and then rest. I’ve been afraid that the rest wouldn’t help, that the exhaustion would become paralysing, as it often has. But the truth is, I haven’t allowed myself to reach that point in a long time because I’ve been afraid, so I don’t actually know whether that still holds at all. I might just be able to be achy and tired, get a really good sleep, and then get up and live another full day. I’m going to experiment with that, let’s see how that goes.

I got books from the library last week, but I didn’t get very far with reading them (probably coz they were slightly dense and not-so-slightly boring and depressing). So I returned those today, and got new ones that I’m actually excited about, intend to, and actually expect to read. I made deliberate efforts to pick out those that are accessible and/or noncommittal, such as a collection of short pieces that I can approach and abandon easily while still having appreciable gains.

I spoke to a therapist while on campus about problems in the general direction of this post. It was actually quite fruitful. I expressed a lot of concern about disintegration/falling apart/losing control that comes with the swamp of uncertainty surrounding my dissociation and my history of experiencing such. The sense of stumbling in the dark. I won’t pretend that I feel any more confident in being able to hold it together, but I do feel more willing to have faith. I’m slowly becoming more comfortable with the idea that I’ve rarely actually put shit behind me, but rather fled from them, that I still carry the corpses of all of myself that I’ve killed. She said we need to explore that and the past more the next time. I agree, I think. I’m still not sure what that’s meant to achieve, but I’m slightly less sure it’d be a waste of time. She says I need to put down the corpses to make space for those I’ll collect in the future, if I think that’s going to happen. Which seems fair, although I’m not certain speaking about them will put them down any better.

I took some time out yesterday to exercise (active) self-compassion. Most of my recollections and thoughts of the past had been so tainted by the visceralness, terror of recurrence and uncanny sense of similar-but-other, that I’d never bothered to look back at those stranger selves as people of their own right. I mean, if they were actually strangers, I would probably have responded to them with empathy and support, but all I was doing to myself was recoiling. So I extended to them an olive branch of sorts. Forgave them for not making it through, appreciated them for doing their best nevertheless. Promised kindness and greater support henceforth. Which was, in turn, inductively comforting to me.

But I was also angry. Very angry. At my parents, my bullies, everything that had put me in these positions. People whom I’d thought I’d long forgiven, although I’d never even properly given myself a chance to be angry at them. I’d jumped to “they did their best and didn’t know any better” type of thinking and knew I couldn’t reeeally blame them for it if I was applying my own approaches consistently. Never mind that I’d only just grokked after yeeears that this hadn’t been my fault, that it wasn’t due to anything being fundamentally wrong and horrible about me, that they were just...fucked up, and were in fact doing this to everyone. That this was wrong.

I felt, last night, the same kind of mental shift I did long ago when I moved from “slavery was 30 years ago we need to move on coz it doesn’t matter anymore” to “wow no this is still affecting every part of people’s lives and will continue to, we can’t just ignore it”. The same kind of bitterness I see when people talk about how a lot of white people in this country never apologised, still look back to apartheid nostalgically, don’t begin to accept any responsibility or even understanding of the harm they caused...and yet we’ve “forgiven” them and “reconciled”.

Idk. I’ma write out a lengthy exposition of exactly what they did and how it affected me at some stage. I wanted to send it to my mother, or even my father, but sensibly, I probably won’t. It won’t have any productive benefit: while I’d really like them to understand and accept responsibility, I’ll almost certainly get only invalidation and hostility. Soo I’ll probably just write it for my own sanity and hopefully at some point (actually) let go.

So yeah. I’m working on things. This morning I also joined tai chi again, conditional upon being able to opt out of physical contact and social chit-chat things. I bought pretty candles that I look forward to using for meditation things and general niceness. I finally got around to buying a lace curtain so I can open the dark ones without rendering my entire room exposed to the fkin street, and I swear, the outside light transforms the ambience. It’s the best thing. I like light, a lot. I’ve set up my journal for this month, and it’s very pretty and welcoming. My bursars emailed today confirming that they’ll fund me again for this year, which although was expected from the T&Cs, brought a huge sense of relief for my financial state.

Classes start on Monday. I’m very slightly anxious about the workload and the fact that it’s final year and everything counts A Great Deal, but the content seems really cool. I dropped my maths course last year because I was overwhelmed by my own head, and I think that contributed to reduced stability and grounding. I’ma be doing it this year, which is nice. Algebra was pretty cool while I was doing it before I dropped, and Discrete Maths has always been exciting.

Applied cognitive psychology seems overall like a very exciting course. It covers stuff including neural networks, decision making, memory in forensics, clinical cognition and evolutionary cognitive psychology. There’s also an Actual Research Project done in groups: complete with research proposal and poster, and the power to grant kids course credits for partaking...which is in equal parts extremely fkin cool and absolutely terrifying.

Computer science has been said to be challenging, which is probably nice (and also, again, slightly scary). We’re doing more in-depth and probably more complex things like networks and operating systems, which is cool and superior to the largely superficial programming stuff we’ve spent so long on. I enjoyed last semester (concurrency, computer architecture, etc -- conceptual things) so this should probably be good as well.

I’m looking forward to the structure of lectures and the purposefulness of having assignments etc to do. I’ve also been reminded (again today) how much I like my (very beautiful) campus and how it brings me a sense of peace and belonging (generally when there’s nobody else there, not when scared new first years are anxiously attending everything...but anyway).

Things are, for now...okay. I’ve always liked beginnings. I’m willing to try. I’m holding out a tentative hope.

#personal #life update #positive #reflections #long post

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lizzybeth1986 · 6 years

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Quick Thoughts on TRR Book 2 Chapter 16

• IT’S HAPPENING FAM!

• Since there’s a chance that Homecoming Ball is going to be an absolute disaster, might as well put my crown on now

•

WHAT URGENT MATTER WHICH URGENT MATTER. LIAM YOU SHOULD TELL ME THESE THINGS.

• Maxwell since when was Bertrand a ‘calm presence’ 😂

• “No plots, schemes or blonde-haired barriers in the way!” Bertrand tells me. You sure about that boi? Coz everytime someone says something won’t happen in this book, it fucking happens 😑

• MAXWELL SINCE WHEN WAS ME ACCEPTING A PROPOSAL IN MY WAITRESS UNIFORM A GOOD IDEA

• When in doubt (and in NY getting engaged) dress like a New York skyscraper

• I had thought the Bertrand Savannah story would be over by now, but it isn’t. Far from it. But from what I gather - he seems to a. think that restoring Beaumont House’s glory comes first, b. feel that his love for Savannah (he does mention that he “treasures” her messages) is a distraction, c. deems himself a failure. There are some pieces to this puzzle missing and methinks we’ll find them all only in Book 3.

•

Legit. This right here is how my MC ended up head over heels for him.

• Liam: You radiated…possibility.

I believe at some point in the chapter, Liam highlights this as true not only in his own case, but applies it to how she changed Drake’s, Hana’s and Maxwell’s lives as well. I love that even in this, he doesn’t want to think only of himself. He sees how the MC has influenced his friends as well.

• I love how all our choices in Book 1 have been incorporated in this chapter.

• My favourite sequence in the chapter thus far is when Liam tells us about how he met the rest of the gang. It really does give us an idea of their background and history, and why they all really worked as a team, a unit, a group.

•

The first thing that came to my mind was how Maxwell was the first person to recognize the effect the MC had on Liam, way before even Drake did. He was the first to realise that Liam had found in the MC something he’d never had before, and thought to himself “I don’t want Liam to lose that”. It makes his first invitation to Cordonia that much more poignant, IMO.

• Lol I love how both Liam and Drake’s friendship is comprised entirely of them repeatedly rescuing each other 😂 They’re each other’s Knights in Shining Armour lol.

• OMG I FEEL SO VALIDATED BY WHAT LIAM SAID ABT HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH HANA?? I’D BEEN SAYING THIS SINCE BEFORE BOOK 2 CAME OUT OMG THANK YOU FOR CONFIRMING LIAM xD

• “Even back then…I knew [Hana and I] would be kindred spirits” - PREACH BRUH THATS WHAT I SAID

•

I SAID THAT TOO.

• “[Hana] is brilliant at a great many things…but hiding her feelings isn’t one of them”. AND THAT.

• In one fell swoop, Pixelberry made “With a Little Help From My Friends” parts one and two canon 😂😂

• Pixelberry also made @toglidethroughlife fic “This Love” partly canon with a way way happier ending if you’re a Liam stan xD

• This reminds me of that time when they made the abdication suggestion (and the MC’s response) that we saw in @violetflipflops “I Will Wait” canon too.

• “I didn’t realise that being a good ruler meant taking the reins for myself. Not until you.” Yes yes YES.

• MC you’re a shitty dog owner. You didn’t even notice your dog has been missing for the last few days? Whaaaaaa?

• He called me queen of his heart 😭😭😭😭

.• YES LIAM YES YES YES I’VE BEEN WAITING TO SAY YES SINCE CHAPTER 16 OF BOOK 1

• GUYS DID YOU NOTICE WE GET A ROMANCE MEGAPOINT ONCE WE GET ENGAGED???

• Back when I played the chapter I assumed the megapoint meant this LI would be exclusive for you from that point on…but alas. Looks like that isn’t the case. I do think we’ll see this megapoint next chapter with the others too. Maybe.

•

What he means is “sorry, Joy, I don’t think your little eyes can handle the smut”.

• Soooo this time’s diamond option is purely sexytimes, with a side order of Lady Liberty trivia. (the lightning one sounds ominous and symbolic of Liam in some ways). I’m okay with that because I really liked the non-diamond journey that preceded it, I thought that was a beautiful way to retrace their steps to the very beginning of their journey together.

• Also. As I have said before. Cordonian men have a thing for pinning their women to walls 😂

• This comes up if the MC speaks about Lady Liberty being struck by lightning 600 times.

Liam says the MC represents possibility. The MC says this. The Bad is gonna happen fam. In the Finale 😭😭😭

• Yknow there are several ways this could go down:

1. An assassination

2. A coup

3. Possible leaking of Constantine’s involvement in the conspiracy, leading to people losing their faith completely in Liam. It would take a great amount of effort for Liam to win his people’s trust, all through no fault of his own 😭

I hate option 1 but at least I hate it the least 😭😭😭 I’d much rather Liam get heroically injured than emotionally and publically torn apart like that 😭😭😭😭

• MADELEINE KNOWS SOMETHING.

• MAYBE REGINA KNOWS SOMETHING TOO IDK. MAYBE EVEN ADELEIDE KNOW SOMETHING. OR NOT. IM SO CONFUSED.

• If you reject Liam’s proposal, the resulting behaviours from the MC’s side are highly problematic:

1. She does it NOW when this man is on his one knee with a ring. Imagine how much more poignant and beautiful this admission would have been if they let you say it way back at the balcony. Imagine having the opportunity to tell Liam you love someone else at that point, seeing him conflicted, sad, confused - BUT AT LEAST he knows the stakes and knows it involves you finally going to the love interest of your choice in the end. Imagine him saying “I’m hurt, and sad, but that’s not what matters. What matters is that we clear your name.” How much more poignant that scene would have been. How much richer would it have made Liam’s story with you even if you weren’t pursuing him. It would allow him to maybe explore other options with other people. And it would be completely in character for him to let go that way. The MC, Liam and all the LIs would have wound up all looking good. Having it stretch out this far and crushing him like this is great drama but it makes the MC look like a complete tool. ESP when Liam offers her a duchy and her response is to be happy. HAPPY. “Sure I trampled your heart on my high heels but LAND. TITLES. MY OWN COAT OF ARMS. YAY. Who cares about you boo?”

2. Having the option of kissing him, and having sex with him, even though you have rejected him. Sure, Liam tries to make us feel better about initiating by bringing up the way Cordonia secretly does relationships, but in this case they don’t have consent from the LIs. She’s telling him she wants to have sex with him, at a time when he is vulnerable, desperately in love, still not over her, shocked and confused. That’s manipulative on levels I can’t even begin to describe. There should have allowed Liam to pull a Zig here, not continue placing her on a pedestal. Zig wants the TF MC, and he makes his feelings very clear to her while playing pool, but if she chooses to cheat on her LI with him he makes it very clear how absolutely callous that is on both him and the other LI. It makes it clear that this choice - taken with no one’s consent, and obviously focussed just on her own needs without caring whether other people will get hurt in the process - is wrong. He lets her know her behavior was terrible. Liam would have been well within his rights to tell the MC that too.

At the very least they could have had Liam bring the polyamorous option up and THEN state “but hey, you shitty person, we don’t have Drake/Hana/Maxwell’s say on this yet”.

This isn’t in any way comparable to the Liam/Madeleine/MC situation. Liam was in a forced arrangement, one that he had been clearly manipulated into. Liam had Madeleine’s explicit consent, and got the MC’s as well, before moving forward. Plus he never intended to keep the arrangement with Madeleine, hoping to break it when the MC’s name was cleared (a promise he acted upon and fulfilled immediately, might I add). Here, the MC and Liam are free, as are the other LIs, and they have nothing holding them back. And as I mentioned earlier there is no explicit consent from the LIs, the way there was with Madeleine. Liam is a guy who stayed ridiculously faithful to the MC from the moment she entered the competition, didn’t even look in the direction of the rest of the competition when he was well within his rights to. Ignored Madeleine to a large extent the whole duration of their engagement. Basically ONLY lavished attention, love and devotion to the MC. What about this guy screams “yeah let’s bang without consent from the ppl you’re actually in love with” to you?

• Liam is not the one with the problem here. Nor is the player. The problem is the writing and the game.

• This is an obvious attempt at cashgrab. Now that we will begin to go official with our LIs, how are we going to buy ALL the exclusive LI scenes the way we’ve been doing so far? They can’t completely diverge the stories the way they did with RoE (RoE could afford to do this because there were other characters and storylines we could find ourselves invested in, so restricting it to just one LI in Book 3 was okay), nor can they do what they’re currently doing in TS or ES or LH because the relationship dynamics in this book are vastly different. So they bring up this piss poor excuse so that they can still manage to make sex scenes with the LIs possible even if you’re supposed to be going official with them by the end of the book. Ick. All it does is leave a bad taste in my mouth.

• Other stans I hope you get your sexytimes soon!

#the royal romance #trr liam #liam x mc #trr maxwell #trr hana #trr drake #trr bertrand #trr quick thoughts #quick thoughts

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irregulardiaryposts · 3 years

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20:27 10/01/2021 so. yes hello . i have corona looool. its not funny but it kinda is. a lot has changed since the last time i wrote and yet nothing at all has happened. its 2021 lol. its just 2020 pt 2 tho. crazy shit. i feel fine tho i dont feel ill at all. im currently looking at some art that i like and trying to find more since i wanna make a collage on my wall or something. ive always wanted a room that just feels like ME ya know. i always felt like my room didnt really show who i was because i tend to live in my head. like all of me is in my noggin instead of showing who i am through the way i dress/how my room looks/personalised things like my phone and stuff . like its never really shown what im like probably because i dont really know who i am. that feels weird to say because of course i know who i am. its a me. mario. no. lol. i really want to get into tailoring my life to ME rather than just existing ya know. like i feel as though theres no point doing anything like expressing myself because ill just end up being not bothered to finish something or ill end up not liking it so ive wasted my time. but u know what. fuck it. i wanna do thinks like that and maybe one day ill look back at when i started doing this and thank myself. thats got to be worth more than the feeling of disappointment of wasting ur time for something u dont like. coz if its not better then thats not fair. i was contemplating whether or not to actually continue this because its cringe and i dont want anyone to ever find this because i hate people knowing more about me than i let them. you only ever get to know the me i want you to. lol. i exist on my conditions. i should really put this somewhere else than on a notepad on my laptop. maybe i should create a tumblr account and upload these coz i think i could access it more privately than this. the more i think about it the better of an idea this is. i still like writing on this notepad because its familiar and allows for more expression i think . because i can make as many spelling mistakes as i want and no one can correct me. haagaHHghvsqhdbjsnbsd. anyways what was i talking about. ah yes self expression. i think ive been struggling with this because i dont like boxing myself in. and i especially hate when other people box me in . :((((((( makes me mad >:[ hehehheh anyway i have the first day of online school tomorrow ... which... yeah sucks. but i dont even know if half my teachers are actually doing it lol. i hope prelims get cancelled because i mean the exams are so why shouldnt prelims be. the thing is that i struggle with motivation so much. and its not even like "i dont want to start this massive project because it will take a lot of time and energy" its more "i cant pick up that book that is within arms reach even though i quite like the idea of reading right now and wouldnt mind getting a bit of progress done i just physically cant put my phone down and pick that up because my brain doesnt want to even though.. it does????" man am i bad at explaining. anyway i was saying that because even though i knowwww i shouldve been studying the past two weeks the only thing ive done is like.. look at some spanish and thought about things i can do in my own time to help that. but the thing is i enjoy spanish for the most part so like,,, with me enjoying the subject, wanting to learn it, and going to fking uni for it, all ive done is 20 minutes of spur of the moment writing lmao. so chemistry and maths are fked. coz i dislike chem especially. fuck that shit lol. i feel very trapped in my own head but i feel like im doing that becauese ive learned to do that for so long. its weird existing to other people especially when u didnt feel like u existed to yourself for a long time. like as though ehdjsb jhbwalkjkjbf i dont know what im saying. oh yeah the minecraft end poem almost made me cry again. im gonna read it again because i just reminded myself and im gonna come back and tell u my fave. why am i speaking to you as though u are real. like ur a person. maybe ill keep doing that. what do u think. anyway brb wait im gonna play minecarft music while i read it and maybe i can cry. "i like this player. it played well. it did not give up" "this player dreamed of sunlight and trees. of fire and water. it dreamed it created. and it dreamed it destroyed. it dreamed it hunted, and was hunted. it dreamed of shelter." "does it know we love it? that the universe is kind?" "to cure it of sorrow would destroy it. the sorrow is part of its own private task" "to tell them how to live is to prevent them living" "take a breath, now. take another. feel air in your lungs. let your limbs return. yes, move your fingers. have a body again, under gravity, in air. respawn in the long dream. there you are. your body is touching the universe again at every point, as though you were separate things. as though we were separate things" "and why does the universe touch your skin, and throw light on you? to see you, player. to know you. and to be known." "and the universe said i love you - and the universe said you have played the game well - and the universe said everything you need is within you - and the universe said you are stronger than you know - and the universe said you are the daylight - and the universe said you are the night - and the universe said the darkness you fight is within you - and the universe said the light you seek is within you - and the universe said you are not alone - and the universe said you are not sepsrate from every other thing - and the universe said you are the universe tasting itself, talking to itself, reading its own code - and the universe said i love you because you are love" *sobs* " and the player was the universe. and the player was love. you are the player. wake up." how was i supposed to be okay after reading that huh. honestly tho i live minecraft like its such a beautiful game i cant believe i used to be ashamed to admit i played it :/ . in the middle of that i created a tumblr account coz i got sidetracked but its good to know that tumblr doesnt have a character limit that im aware of. anyway i know thats a lot of quotes its like almost half of the entire poem but like. its beautiful tho. its really grounding and like validating? to hear some of that idk. the universe is actually fking mental tho lol and i love learning about it i think thats one of the reasons i did so well in physics is that is taking something so entirely complex and crazy into math and reason and logic so i can at least understand a little about the universe. i can know it back. maybe i am the universe. and really were just understanding ourselves. getting to know who we are and where we all came from. i think thats lovely since some people (inc me) dont really know who they are or what theyre supposed to be so its comforting to know that at the very least we are all made from atoms and we were all forged from the same galaxy and that we are a part of the universe, part of something important just by existing. that we dont have to be special or unique by anyone's standards because we are formed in the same way stars are, were all just a collection of atoms, arranged to make up something incredible, and the fact that we can understand that shows how remarkable we are just by existing. like thats it. we are amazing just because we exist at the same time as the universe, that we are the universe. and so yes physics is "just maths" but maths is a tool to explain how phenomenal our exitance actually is. yeah. wow. ok imma go watch youtube or something now. bye bye. also notice how there was like an almost 3 month gap in between writing these. yeah.

#bad spelling and grammar but thats how this all will be hahahahahah #january 2021 entry #2021 the year of fun

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survivor-tierradelfuego · 4 years

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Ep. 11: “Do you all think I am just floating over here with no one?” - Aimee

Amy A

Ben ☹️. I didn’t play too well with him and it was such a good blindside I couldn’t resist. I wish him well and I just have a feeling I’m next to go

Olivia A

Okay umm we got Ben out but it turns out Kalle gave me a real idol? So I feel weird. The reason we began suspecting her of lying was because Hanuha people knew about Maddison’s safety without power advantage and Kalle was literally the only person who could’ve told them. IDK!!

Aimee

I’m just so tired of crying! Sarah tried to video chat and I just couldn’t. No one knew I don’t think that Ben and I were so close. Gaaaaah I’m gonna miss him so much! He just helped me so much to stay sane in this game. The last thing I need is anyone seeing me as a big hot mess. I can’t catch a break.

Sarah

From two nights ago.... https://youtu.be/uebz8rVKNbg https://youtu.be/xQyiuiGeEpo

Pedro A

when i actually thought i was at the bottom........THERES EVEN A LOWER BOTTOM...THAT IM IN RIGHT NOW......chille ben screwed us BIG TIME....we were in a great spot..i dont even know what to say at this point

Sarah

Wow. Okay. I didn’t want to be a villain but here we are. I will post a video confessional soon but for now, the plan to vote out Ben actually worked. I called Maddison last minute and explained that Ben and Kalle were tight and were all over the place, playing both sides. Maddison found out that Kalle was a rat and was not being completely truthful and we both agreed on voting Kalle or Ben. We agreed on Ben because we thought Kalle was going to play her idol on herself.... turns out Ben was telling the truth in voting out Kalle to old Hanuha and Kalle actually gave Olivia a real idol. More to come... but for now I feel like a villain ahhh.

Kalle N.

Well I said that my only goal was to make jury and not go to the FTC so it looks like Ben really helped me achieve that. THAT FOOL REALLY FUCKED ME OVER ON HIS WAY OUT THE DOOR. This is fine. I will never let him forget that I've beaten him twice now and that's all that matters. Did not see this tribal coming at all. Can't wait to get voted out next

Najwah

If I learned anything today is that we tend to read in and over think and make up scenarios in our head. Ben was actually on our side all along? Who would have thought. All the bits and pieces he told us today just didn't add up and Cody said he was different and everyone was just quiet and Ben didn't talk in the group, he spoke to people individually. I don't really understand what just happened but we wasted so much energy speculating lmao. And now where the hell do we go from here? Cody has become so paranoid also. The minute Ben told him that those people will be writing his name he became soooo paranoid wtf. Then he WASTED an advantage and idol at tribal? Just bc he still didn't trust the plan. I'm starting to think that Cody just can't trust anyone or any process. I really think he needs to chill more. Be more low key. Just try to be calm. If you get voted out, it's not like you're going to die or something. It's just a game after all.

Aimee

Apparently tribe was getting too suspicious of how Ben and Kalle were so close. I still don’t get why I had to be left out of the vote though? Why can’t I get the respect to be told what is happening before the vote, so I have time to process my emotions and have my stuff together a little. https://immunityilol.tumblr.com/post/617448854807298048 Instead I get nothing. I get a call from Sarah right after Ben is voted out. Obviously I can’t answer it because I’m crying and no one knew I was super close to Ben. I’m just so angry right now first Grae now Ben! IS MADDISON NEXT!? FUCK! Like Gah I’m afraid to get close to anyone. But I just love getting to know people. I finally got to video chat with Maddison. Fucking loved it! She is great to talk to and great to have on this crazy skype isolation island. I need some interaction and realness right now. Ok I’m totally drinking. It’s hard enough to process all this nonsense sober. We will see what the next day brings.

Aimee

Sarah I really don’t want us to end up like this Casanova music video. 😢💔 I guess everyone wants to blindside Aimee as a treat. I hope people got their jollies out of it. 🌟 Allie X - Casanova feat VÉRITÉ https://youtu.be/YpVunjboAWg

Sarah

From last night.... https://youtu.be/EirlyVVXDKk

Sarah

Day 21 https://youtu.be/aYiGStuSKDA

Pedro A

Im afraid Kalle will throw me under the bus...just to stay this week cause shes on the bottom....and im also afraid that maddison and olivia will try to convince kalle to vote me out...instead ....since they are coming for me ...GOSHHH..i hate my life...i need immunity...CAN I LIKE HAVE IT?

Pedro A

okay so im excited to see everyone's answers to this challenge...THIS WILL BE INTERESTING...it will reveal a lot of people real thoughts ..IM READY FOR TEAAAA YALL

Najwah

I enjoyed my day today. I think it's the first time I was fully in the real world in 22 days. I'm playing a reckless game right now. There are so many layers in this game but after last night's tribal and learning that Ben was being legit, I just feel bad. I love Cody but he's definitely a loose cannon and can't play low key. Which is definitely bad for my game. He and Sarah are trying to push me into getting Amy on our side, but our relationship just isn't like that. I don't want to make her feel used. I like her. I really like her a lot. I like Sarah too. And Cody. I want to be friends with all these people IRL lol so I don't want to play against them or lie to them. This game just gets harder every time someone gets voted off tbh but I'm at the point where I feel like "if my plan works, then great", "if it doesn't, then whatever. I get to chill on panderosa and get to sleep more and actually spend time with my family and friends who I've been avoiding since this started lmao" Also, I'd be able to work again. I haven't got much work done urgh. I don't know whether my super idol is real. I'm curious to see what tonight's challenge will reveal. I am not going in with any syrategy

Cody wants to go for Kalle and Pedro coz they voted for him? I don't know, I think that's kinda silly and I'm not about revenge. You have to think rationally. And we have made a few irrational choices of late because people read into things. I still wish Ben hadn't told Cody that everyone was voting for him. That's how so much of yesterday's shit started. I have been so tired since yesterday. Tired of the scheming and overthinking and being paranoid over nothing urgh. Aimee also wants to call me after the challenge. I'm kinda scared tbh. I had a dream last night that Aimee killed me lmao this game is haunting me and giving me nightmares. Honestly, I'd be okay if anyone left wins this game. Okay except Kalle. She's the only one I've not interacted with and she just seems dodge idk. Maybe I'm still thinking about Zack's stupid analysis on people. Anyways.

Najwah

I'm happy for Maddison tbh. She deserved that. I just want to scream about Cody though? Why did Cody chop Aimee? Wtf. And that made Aimee chop Sarah before she chopped Amy or Maddison. I'm so confused. Ugh.

Maddison

Apparently I don’t know much about this tribe. Yeet!

Pedro A

Villan of the season?....im honored...but bitter jury?...i didnt like that one..lol

Aimee

I chopped Pedro for Grae.

I chopped Olivia and haha sorry I got so nervous on here that I just chopped the final chop, even though that was savage as hell... I called her a goat and then chopped her right out of the game. Oops hahahahaha. When I watch this challenge back I look like the C word with a capital C.... And that word isn’t “cartwheel.” I chopped Sarah for the Ben blindside. I chopped Amy for my mental health. I can’t lose Maddison! I’m so sick of being tortured that I truly am running out of fucks tbh. Just chop anyone, whatever. Why do I care...

Aimee

Ohhhh Najwah!!!! Don’t worry about not telling me about the vote or accidentally calling me a goat because you didn’t know the meaning. I think I would make a cute goat. https://nunyabizni.tumblr.com/post/615593098008035328 Love that you think I’m actually “the Greatest of All Time.” I adore you and our friendship 💖❤️💞 luv you girl!!! I know you’re truly being genuine unlike others. I’m waiting for this game to tip in our favor so we can run with it. https://youtu.be/TGwZ7MNtBFU This MV is dedicated towards Najwah after Cody swooped in and stole my final 2 with her. No hard feelings; I have my own stuff to sort out after my man Ben was voted out. I’m pretty confident you have a final 2 with Cody and I love that for you. 🧡💛💚 I’m happy y’all got together and are strong with Sarah. But here I am. Do you all think I am just floating over here with no one? Just not playing the game and grazing my grass over here like a “goat?” They really don’t know how close I was with Ben and they got stupid lucky on that one. I’m not as clueless as you all think... it’s in your best interest to reconsider. Also let’s not skip over the fact that Sarah and I both didn’t get an answer on touchy subjects for “who do you trust the most.” Yeah don’t think I didn’t peep that. 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀 Sarah didn’t put me and I didn’t put her. I put Maddison. Cody had 2 votes. Najwah and Sarah put him. I’m not dense. I guess Sarah is cool with being that 3rd wheel. Loving the fact that apparently no one has been seeing me reaching across the aisle for damn DAYS trying to play with Maddison.... oh honey, oh girl...oh no no ... that was just Ben right? Yeah. My final 2 with Ben is gone so I’m rogue and hoping I can get Maddison as far as possible with me. Also! Just letting you all know I’m not a damn chump. It’s SO OBVIOUS that Cody Najwah and Sarah have a fucking secret chat that they’ve been in since the beginning of all time, which included Zack. You’ve heard it here first folks. Oh and I’ve known this for at least a week or two. The tells are so blatant, but catch me pretending to have no idea. I’m not the goat that you think I am, but I would LOVE you to continue to think of me of a goat and forgettable. If you knew what I was doing I wouldn’t be allowed to get to the end. If I’m on any players radars then that means I am doing a bad job. So, I absolutely loved what this challenge revealed. I know way more than people think I know, but I am playing up the ditzy card hardcore. I would much rather prefer to be a stealthy sniper that people think is not playing. Give me a chance to explain my game in the final tribal and you might regret that. I have been doing all the same moves as Ben and same exact strategy.... he gets called a big threat and blindsided and yet here I am with identical strategy and totally left alone and tbh a little disrespected but that works to my advantage. Perception is not reality! This could be everyone’s biggest mistake and I honestly love it. I just want Kalle and Pedro out tbh. I got my big boobs and my positivity. I’m mind strong and I’m ready to get this. Your lady is never giving up. If you blindside me again it better be me that gets voted out. Otherwise you’re all in a world of fucking trouble... https://64.media.tumblr.com/0389c791f095d54973543b32d4414577/984582d2a107588c-89/s540x810/c10ec7b961de2fd3b693a886ea7385b04ed3d653.gifv

Najwah

I am still tired. LOL. Amy L still hasn't replied to me. I think she hates me right now and I burned the bridge with her, which I'm obviously sad about because it's the only bridge I really cared about? Like she's the only person who I was 100% sure about and we've always respected each others allegiance to their alliances. Anyway. What does it matter now? I'm going to let Cody and Sarah make a plan with this tribal scrambling. Oh Cody said the reason he chopped Aimees rope is because he didn't want her to win immunity again lmao so he rather chops someone in his own alliance wtf I can't get over that fatal mistake. That and playing the extra vote and idol😭😭 ugh and I think people assume I am his goat or something lmaooooo I absolutely adore Cody but I really hope he doesn't mess things up for himself. Sarah wants me to get coins for them to buy an immunity idol. Do I really want to waste 5 coins again on someone whose just going to get paranoid and play it? I don't know. I need to think on it.

Aimee

Welp I finally told my first lie in this game and hopefully it’s not my demise. I guess it’s my turn to be messy. I’m still coping with Ben being gone. 💔😢😫 Why the nut, did I tell Pedro I want him here. It was definitely too much alcohol and worried if he had another idol I would be the throw vote. Welp we will see if he throws that info all over the island. https://64.media.tumblr.com/d9f98e355c7e9229777fa982551cfd7e/tumblr_nr72mkoPHr1rs8h9do7_250.gifv https://64.media.tumblr.com/d37a2b6f76f83c1beaca2ca2bac6bb72/tumblr_nr72mkoPHr1rs8h9do3_250.gifv I’ve made peace with it though. This lady ain’t stopping, but if this puts me in jury. I’m honestly excited! I’ll finally get to talk to James, Grae and Ben again! And that makes my heart warm. ♥️

Pedro A

I'm probably going home tonight....kinda done with this.....I'm exhausted and emotionally drained from this experience.. I just wanna chill...at the end of the day its either me or kalle....so may the odds be in my favor!!

Najwah

I'm nervous about this vote. Apparently Maddison and co are willing to work with us to get Kalle out. I don't know how legit it is but I'm tired tonight and I just think I should do an early vote before people change their minds.

Amy A.

So we had the game yesterday and there was a question about ‘closest Ally’ and no one chose me. I’m not really bothered about everyone else except NAJWAH. She didn’t choose me! I was the only one who chose her cos her name came just ONCE. Whoever she ended up choosing as her closest ally didn’t even choose her. It’s made me real life sad because I trusted her so much. Honestly, I didn’t even think twice about putting her name down for closest ally. I haven’t even spoken to anyone about tonight’s vote. Idk who I’m voting for but I know it’s not her cos I promised her that. That’s the only reason. Maybe I’m the one going home. I don’t know.

Maddison

Let’s hope for a straightforward vote tonight with no unforeseen twists!

Aimee

https://youtu.be/m4Z0RN_KhK0 A flow mobz - thrill over fear (feat. luna blake) Omg I couldn’t sleep last night and I just woke up being bitchy about Pedro. I don’t think he actually has anyone besides maybe Kalle. My walls are up and I just want this vote to work in my favor and be Kalle. I hope there are no hard feelings after this game. I just want to get to know everyone during all this covid madness and have some fun. 🌈

#episodes

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vegancas · 5 years

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[[MORE]]

work today was.... i touched a guy's hand and realised it was the most skin to skin physical contact i'd had with a guy since my ex and i broke up nearly 2 years ago, i wish it had been j***'s hand. it was just like a few seconds, he was handing me something n i put my hand over his to take it, not intentionally obviously, but like he handed me like 20 something boxes of soft drink cans n it was inevitable that our hands would touch at some point, it was just a bit surprising i guess. i want to touch someone again.

but guy i never talk to talked to me again today, but this time, while the interaction was still weird i guess, it certainly wasn't him trying to look good in front of new girl. it's hard coz i don't really feel that comfortable around him which makes it harder for me to talk to him but like i will try to be friendly. eventually i might be able to articulate better around him.

there were 5 of us in the online room at the very end of the shift. people were talking a bit, obviously i didn't say too much coz talking in groups but at one point one of the guys was saying something about the rest of us being his children (which i thought was funny given that at least half of us are older than him, in one case by like 10 years) who mess up the order of the room n stuff and he said something about having a favourite or like not all his children being his favourite? and there was like one trolley left that needed to be unloaded and one girl was like will he do it? so he said if you can guess who my favourite is then i'll unload the last trolley. and she was like i guess it's Ruth and he said she was right and he'd unload the trolley. and then she said Ruth is everyone's favourite. and idk the whole interaction almost feels like a joke at my expense? like i know that's not what it was but also i'm just like ?????? it's just you know so at odds with how i've been feeling. but like all the people who were in the room are all people i like and feel relatively comfortable with and would be amongst the people who i can talk to a bit

idk i got to work still feeling bad after yesterday, but did eventually start to feel better after getting to talk to people a bit. there's sometimes just an environment where i feel so separate from everyone and it makes me wonder why i'm separate and then i think i'm not a good enough person for all these reasons and i feel like i didn't really have any good interactions yesterday. but today the people who were around didn't make me feel so separate? like not that it was intentional yesterday, it's just how i felt. but today was overall much better even though i still feel bad. tomorrow probably won't be that good of a day. there are certain people who just seem to like talking to me more than others and when those people aren't around and/or i can't really talk to anyone it does get me down. not usually as much as yesterday but still.

i've been thinking more about self worth today and like i do draw a lot of mine from other people i think. but it's really hard to say too. it's like when I'm in a good mood my self worth just is fine like it doesn't bother me too much whether people like me or not and then when I'm not in a good mood my self worth plummets and it doesn't matter who's around i'll feel like no one cares about me? i've been feeling crappy lately because of my ineptitude with my feelings for j*** so yesterday was bad, but if i hadn't been so focused on j*** lately yesterday might've just been like any other day and i wouldn't have been bothered at all? idk honestly my emotions are so confusing why must the adhd make things so complicated

it's hard coz like when i feel crap there's not really anyone who i'm going to believe if they tell me i'm like a good person or whatever. coz they can say it but it just won't feel true? i believed ****e* last year when he believed in me, but i don't have anyone who i would actually accept that support from right now. i mean if j*** gave me that support i might believe him but he's not going to give it to me when i can't even talk to him. i haven't even seen a glimpse of him this week

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nh0betsm-blog · 5 years

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Cheapest insurance online?

Can anyone point me to the cheapest insurance companies online? Been quoted some ridicules prices. Thanks

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insurance4hquotes.xyz

SOURCES:

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aquarianlights · 6 years

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This has been such a stressful start to the semester I cannot even explain...

I am so fucking stressed out and my mother is not making it any fucking easier. I feel *really* bad for saying this, but I really can’t wait until she leaves tomorrow morning. I really do appreciate what she has done for me today and yesterday!! I do! But...my god, just. . .please, I have SOOOOOOOOOO much to do!!! I don’t have TIME for guests.

Like, I just REALLY enjoy living alone. I get SO much done and I can do everything on my own time in my own way and everything is exactly how I like it and everything is absolutely SPOTLESS and nothing is EVER left out and nothing is EVER not cleaned immediately and everything has a place and everything is in its place at all times unless I’m using it and everything is facing in the right directions at all times and everything is so nice and quiet and I don’t have to worry about “Can my roommates in the next room hear me? Am I being too loud?” and I can cry from my excruciating pain when I need to and I can just get up and run errands real quick when I actually am able to get the energy up to do it and it doesn’t have to be a big thing of who’s going and what are we getting and what do we need because I ALREADY KNOW because unlike my former roommates, I am EXTREMELY organized and EXTREMELY clean and EXTREMELY meticulous about my upkeep of everything in the house (taking out the trash, laundry, dishes, etc...). Nothing is ever procrastinated on. Ever. I have not been one to procrastinate in a LONG time. I can’t even REMEMBER the last time I procrastinated on something.

It’s such a surreal feeling to say this, but I actually do not understand people who procrastinate on everything until the last fucking second. Yet. . .I used to BE that person because of my depression for almost my ENTIRE LIFE up until a handful of years ago so I really SHOULD understand but I’m such a different person that I genuinely don’t. I---Quinn or Killian---can genuinely not even IMAGINE procrastinating on ANYTHING. I can’t imagine pushing ANYTHING back even by like... a day.

The SECOND I notice I need to do something, the furthest it will get pushed back is an hour. Idk if it’s part of my OCD now (since I was only recently diagnosed with OCD and only recently developed it, I really do not know much about the disorder. People reference it a lot jokingly like “Oh my god becky you’re so ocd hahaaha” like white people are so terrible about doing that and I HATE it, but BECAUSE of that, I genuinely do not know what this disorder entails......).

Like..... is a lack of procrastination part of OCD? Because after I notice a thing needs to be done, it eats away at me until it’s done.

For instance, let’s say I notice the trash is full and I need to take it out to the dumpster and change the bag. That involves collecting the little bags from the tiny trash cans and then taking the big bag down three flights of stairs and walking across the road to the dumpster and then coming back up three flights of stairs and then changing the big bag and the little bags. I can see why/how a lot of people would procrastinate on that. NOT ME. Why?

The second I notice it needs to be done, I get this weird feeling in my entire body that is more concentrated in my chest than anywhere and it makes it IMPOSSIBLE to get comfortable and IMPOSSIBLE to focus on anything (whether it be homework, a TV show, or even a conversation with a friend) until I have done that thing. So I literally feel like I don’t even have a choice in doing it immediately. Even if I don’t have ANY energy, I just tell myself “Look. All it is is a less than 5 minute thing that if you get done now will be a lot less work later and you’ll feel so much better when it is done and then you won’t have to worry about it tomorrow so just do the thing. It’s really not that big of a deal to walk a bit. It’ll do you good.”

And I do feel better afterwards. I feel much better, like this serene feeling of relief will wash over me after things are done and I have nothing left on my “to-do” list except long term things and my body will allow me to relax in bed and stuff. It’s so nice.

But this is applicable to literally ANYTHING. Making a phone call, homework, taking a shower, chores around the house...EATING... like, anything.

I can’t find a way to put ANYTHING off for over an hour. An hour is the longest amount of time I can give myself to just...chill and relax after getting home from a long day at school before absolutely NEEDING to do the thing.

I’ve been really wondering if it’s an OCD thing lately. Coz I REALLY DID used to be the person who would constantly put things off until the very last second because I had a negative amount of motivation due to my major depressive disorder, which I really don’t have anymore (I think??). I mean, I would put research papers and stuff off until the night it was due and I would speed-write it in the last few hours before the due date time and submit it RIGHT AT 11:59pm when it would be due online at midnight or I’d do them right outside the classroom right before class or even IN THE CLASSROOM DURING CLASS while our teachers were talking about the assignment and collecting it (that last one was mostly during high school).

A lot of times, I would procrastinate so badly that someone else who loved me would do my work for me because I was so unmotivated that I just literally couldn’t find any motivation to do it and I’d be crying and cutting myself over it instead of trying to do it ...because I just...literally...couldn’t. There was this executive dysfunction block SO BADLY. I mean, I cannot even express to you guys how bad my executive dysfunction was all my life up to a few years ago.

Sometimes I’d just get 0′s because I’d procrastinate to the point of not doing ANYTHING or push myself so far back that I’d only get a part of it done and I am such a perfectionist that I wouldn’t allow my professors to see anything less than perfect, so I wouldn’t submit anything.

Didn’t figure out until a year or so ago that it’s SO much better to submit SOMETHING than nothing at all. Doesn’t fucking matter what or if it’s not good. They don’t fucking care. It’ll save your damn grade.

But I’m REALLY wondering if this INCREDIBLY STARK CHANGE has been because I recently developed OCD. Because this anti-procrastination/get on top of things immediately thing seemed to develop right around the time I developed OCD behaviours, before I developed an OCD diagnosis.

It’s really odd and one thing that I’ve had a love-hate relationship with.

Same thing with my hyper-cleanliness and germaphobic-ness getting worse and worse and worse. Hell, my mom left her tea cup out on the counter like she always does wherever she is coz she has tea periodically throughout the day and uses the same cup. . .and I just fucking FLIPPED! I mean.... I fucking went OFF. I was shaking and about to have a panic attack.

So yeah, albeit it’s made me an INSANELY clean person (whereas in the past, my clothes would be EVERYWHERE and I’d just leave things on the floor all the time, bottles would be everywhere, the trash would never be taken out of my room unless my parents or roommates did it, and my bed was never made and also had a MILLION things on it at all times and barely ANY room for me to sleep EVER), it has also made me VERY panicky about germs and cleanliness and anti-clutter. I guess taking this human pathogens course isn’t exactly helping...lmao. I need it for my profession as a surgeon, though, so there’s no way outta it. Errrghhh....

But it ALL keeps getting worse and worse and worse as the days go on. I’m getting more and more panicky and snappy over the smallest of things. So far, it seems to be localized to my apartment and my car, thankfully. And, ofc, I do pick up and clean at my friends houses/apartments. Which... they certainly do not mind LMAO.

But everyone who knew me growing up and from young adulthood are all just like “WOW You’re so grown up! Wow oh my gosh look at how clean you’ve been and how spotless your apartment is and how ORGANIZED everything is!! You’ve always been clean, but just had that very cluttered style. So everything looked messy. But my god, your apartment is SO spotless and organized. Do you wanna teach me your secret?? Haha. :)”

They don’t see all the breakdowns I have where I am on my hands and knees scrubbing the same spot repetitively for an hour and then deep cleaning the apartment for the third time in the same day because “I’m just not quite sure it was effective the first two times...” and such. And they don’t see that I hallucinate bugs all the time and have freakouts. I mean, I’ve hallucinated bugs for many years. But. . .it’s been SO bad since OCD came about.

ANYWAYS... I’m gonna stop ranting coz it’s 9pm and I am wiped the fuck out. :| I wanna sleep again tonight since I only got to sleep for 15 hours in the span of the past 7 days. Pulled 3 all nighters and didn’t have time to sleep for much of the other days coz of exams. It was fucking rough. :| :| :|

Gonna have some dinner coz I am hangry. [Still mad about something that I won’t even get into here... if you’re on my fb, then you know...sigh.]

I just REALLY cannot wait to go back to my alone routine tomorrow. I quite love living alone. A LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. :| :| :| :| :| I don’t know if I ever wanna live with roommates again. Lmao. As long as I have friends nearby, living alone is FANTASTIC. ;A;

#personal #ocd #obsessive compulsive disorder #obsessive compulsive #disorder #rant #thank you for coming to my ted talk

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rosielosieqosie · 6 years

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22 and blue

lmaoz gross ass caption but sighs i seriously have too much thoughts in my head and i feel the need to type everything down to give it more structure and shit

1. i feel worthless, useless and somewhat of a failure

this is mostly due to the lack of internships lmao which idk i feel like could be a foreshadowing of mi future life as someone who can’t find any work to do??? CRI i don’t want that life man :-( a part of me also feels that im very unqualified but also somewhat qualified to do the jobs that i want to do leh so why am i not given any opportunities???? is it self-entitlement??? tho tbh before this i have been pretty shit with my job search, choosing jobs only based on their requirements/mass-sending without much thought which rly bit me in the ass - i.e. my disastrous tragic interview on tuesday lol so maybe its better to curate what i ACTUALLY want heh

am i that useless/are my qualifications that bad???? i don’t even know where to begin to enhance my value leh like it seems like such an impossible/mammoth task but at the same time im young and 22 so i rly should just buck the fuck up and attempt to do something to improve the situation heh. i honestly really like my course la, irregardless of whether it brings me a job or not so for that aspect i don’t regret it but at the same time i do wonder what it’ll be like if i had chosen a more practical/marketable path. or is it just that im shit at finding opportunities and marketing myself because so many of my friends seem to be getting opportunities while im struggling because im so unsure of what i want to do :-( sighs

but i applied for an internship that i rly rly rly rly want yesterday and im rly hoping that they at least consider me/get me to the next round because it is rly something that i would want to be a part of/it is v v inspiring and interesting work? pls accept me or at least consider me :-(

2. how i look like to others

just overheard my grandmother talking/gossiping about various people lol and it rly made me wonder how i will look like to my family/to the relatives around me when i do graduate and become jobless/or am stuck in a job with a low pay or smth idk // somehow like it doesn’t rly bother me but i know it would totally bother my grandmother/relatives and idk manz i don’t want it to be that way? but at the same time the gossip is truly like rampant sia DAMN FKING SCARY. low paying job = failure, divorce = failure, marry the wrong person = failure // so little room for success so much room for failure ////// that is probably the reason why it literally hurts me so much to admit that i may be asexual because fuck fo sure i will be deemed as a failure to my fam and tbh i don’t rly care about that la but liek i know it will hurt my family and that hurts me??? i rly want to not be that way and to find someone vaguely acceptable lmaoz // fuck la this aspect of me i don’t rly care anymore to preserve la just find me someone vaguely okay and i would probably say yes leh no kid. maybe my standards are too high, maybe i am just unwanted, maybe i am normal idk but yesterday i had a dream where, again, i was dating someone and i was acting all lovey dovey but a part of me knew that i wasn’t showing him who i rly was inside and i felt like a fake ass hoe. and i didn’t even really like him coz he was a jock and i don’t even know why we were together but i guess i just need to find someone FIND someone find SOMEONE vaguely alright. maybe we can be good friends, he can go fuck other hoes i dont care leh rly

3. when will i ever live for myself

i don’t even know myself when will i ever live for myself i don’t know my values my ideas whenever i think i do i think of contradictions and i get confused and idk if this is a part of having a fking balanced perspective but there are too many considerations and consequences in this world and everything is too fking confusing and i keep doubting everything. DOUBT. doubt kills everything i need to stop doubting. i think in the back of mind i doubt everything and this doubt rly kills me. it makes me unable to relax. doubt doubt doubt. what is the point of doubting if it kills u inside. what is the point of being fomo. i say i don’t regret anything in my life but rly i think im just trying to force that ideology upon myself sometimes bcoz i don’t want to DOUBT so much DOUBT DOUBT DOUBT FK

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thisdreamplace · 2 years

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hi, my brother's being a huge dreadful person. clearly judging me for somthn he doesn't know the whole story of, consequently treating me like im the most repulsive person,, his words,, nd has serious judging problems with everyone,, that im SICK of. Worse is hes one of ThOsE pppl who think they're always right and super suuuuper self-entitld. it's exhausting. one of my parents is out of picture which is for the best he wasn't emotionaly there for any of us anyway. and the other never ever takes my side or even calls my brother out on his horriblenes and pettiness. have u ever met someone like that? u know those pppl who'll youll endure wayyy too much shit from, coz u dont wanna stoop to their lvl but they'll provoke u nd then use that one occasion to gaslight and paint u out to be the monster HAHAHA what a JOKE!

its already taken me months to admit this. I thought i was overthinking but yesterday i got real evidence that i had to admit spoke volumes abt how they (wonder duo lmao) view me

I tried to change myself i pretended things weren't as bad or that it wasn't real nd I took some steps despite my pride to be amiable with them... its unbearable. i feel so bad. I don't have any friends i can discuss this personal thing with. i wish i realy didn't exist. Thats how theyre already treating me right? im tryjny to see things frkm their view nd the only conclusion is if i acted like this with someone, itd be because i either want to put them down as i hate them because of my own insecurities that maybe im not aware of, or because im not emotionaly mature nd think what I'm doing is 'not thaaat bad they deserve worse so im being easy on them anyway'

ive always had diff points of views from them. Hugely diff. So yes maybe most of my opinions dont align with their beliefs. idk what to do? im doing my best not to give jn, to accept my emotions nd to sooth myself its tough but i owe it to myself but idk my heart breaks when i confront them or mention lightly abt their ugly treatment they act like "yeah? So? Whats ur problem, you deserve it!" and what if theyre right? the thing is idk if its related? but a few momths back i started getting flashbacks of my past in school when i got similar sometimes subtle-but-noticable 'treatment' from a few. it was a short period of time nd like i said it wasn't until it was over thay i realised it was kinda them punishing me for what i did to them? haha. what i did, as i found out, was being myself nd having acomplished stuff they didn't?! so petty jealousy over smth not in my control. Wth is wrong with ppl? Please tell me why ppl act like this as children, but then why still as adults? nd when these randkm memories pop up, is it coz im feeling smth bad? Or subconsiously thinking of smth bad? or is it my mind trying to tell me smth?

As for my mother, i feel like she knows whats shes doing, i told her many years ago how i was struggling with certain issues but she never outright helped me, basiclly pretended i never confided in her... Like no wonder i got trust issues hahah. Ik shes not dumb, but if she wanted to put her foot down she wouldve. idk how to tell u its hard for me to find reasons to live they're all external anyway. once I came across an article which said that parents do have faves and its usually the kid who usualy resembles THEM more. so that gave me strength knowing i have enuff mind sense to know what can hurt ppl whether they mention it or not. for instanc please help me here, my mother is the sort who talks like: "since that person isnt saying anything, it means they're unbothered by things. Everything's perfect in their life!" "If ur smiling, ur happy! U can't smjle nd be sad. U have smth (mother wants), then u hav no right to complain!" This is victim right? Imagine growing up listening to things like this? And because of this I had a habit of mind-reading ppl in which I expected them to know what i thought, but turns out what I 'read' on their minds was usually not good at all lol. It was victim! Im over that now. Ive become a bit... sensitive after events nd dealing with them alone. i never realised until a few years ago that not all adults are emotionaly mature. Its not their fault maybe their parents didn't teach them either. But it makes me so so SO ANGRY that i never even knew whats normal to me is actually so so unhealthy and not normal? has this hapened to u? As for being in her favor, I no longer WANT to be her 'fave' if that means conditional love nd being an ugly human inside together. U see when its stuff I do or dont do i swear she's after my hide, yelling and screaming. she has had only criticism for my choices in life only because they don't align with what SHE would do, despite our differences. why does it hurt when u think of someone whos supposedly someone who loves u more than anything? is this love? maybe its love nd I don't see it? yesterday i broke down in my room when i admitted this isn't normal. i can't live like this. Its not good. It brings me no relief to think even if i die they'll blame me for it, for not 'ConFiDiNg' in them! What if its me being crazy? and theyre right? besides i think my mothers secretly scared of my brother BY DA WAY HES A YEAR YOUNGER because he judges hard nd can accuse u confidently of shit after all he's had so much practice, nd hes more independent coz he can drive coz he sevretly prepared for nd got his license before i got mine nd back then we only had one car so he used it for uni coz his was 'farther' away than mine nd would come home super late so there was no chance for me to practice. By da way my mother blames me for that one too. Says i should've 'known' he was getting his license nd I wasn't 'serious' abt it.... Right, I was supposed to know he'd go behind my back? 😶

it's been like this and together theyre all chummy nd pretend they're not doing anything 'wronf' but they r. they're both more alike than they'd admit, nd not in good ways. we can't choose our families but I wish we could choose whether we wanna live in this world or not. lets say i change nd yes they reflect that sure that's nice but u know what? im so hurt by them nd ik theyll never ever know the extent to which ive been hurt. why should i dump this under the rug using the assumption law? later when i'll be okay and have my own life without depending on them they'll come to me nd pretend it never happened or if i mention how they treated me ik i just know they'll say things like: "oh it was for ur own good!"

like thisdreamplac i dont want to revise it like it never hapened nd honestly idk if i want their apology even! if ur hurt by someone's behavior, it means u care abt them! Whether its friends or family, so it means im caring for them. despite this i dont hate them enough to cause them hurt or pain back. why? Coz ik too well how it feels. the more this life feels like dreaming, the harder i feel things, more the pain more the fears

😶

hey :)

firstly, i'm sorry that's all happening to you. it's definitely heavy and not easy to deal with, when your pain runs deep and you're reminded of it all the time. it's surely not easy.

i hope that one day you decide to give yourself the freedom you deserve. hopefully one day you realize a life full of misery isn't worth it, and you change within for the better. not for anyone else, but for you. we are allowed to be happy, and we don't have to keep using others as an excuse for why we can't be. but that's a choice we must make on our own.

at the end of the day, whether you want to apply the law or not, you're still the one deeply carrying these burdens. not your family, but you. so you have to decide that you deserve to be free from the burdens, for yourself, because you deserve that lightness. it's not about who is right and who is wrong, but it's about you and taking responsibility for a beautiful tomorrow that doesn't rely on someone else.

i wish i could console you better, but i wouldn't tell you do something that i wouldn't follow myself. but anyway, i hope you do find yourself feeling better 💖

#eiypo

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unproduciblesmackdown · 6 years

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How do u feel about Eno from MonsterKind?

closes book & spins around in chair—oh! didnt see you there. well i’m glad you asked. sets down cup i was drinking from.

tldr i quietly cherish him. i figure it is not exactly his best look right now but i would be surprised if it was to turn out he is/was secretly evil & trying to work against everybody the whole time lmao…..honestly i figured that things were doomed in this way when kip said he trusts eno the most…….that can’t go unpunished. rip

but it is also an endorsement that he must’ve been top quality all this time if kip trusts him that much. i doubt its as Misguided as just being taken advantage of. no idea what the broader con here needs to further take advantage of re: kip….the fact that ppl listen to him whether he likes it or not? or that he can probably survive mad low temps? if he was assumed to die back in the day then the latter seems somewhat relevant one way or another. but i am too dumbassed to make good guesses w/little info

anyways i’m kind of assuming…that eno does sort of have suspicions or straightforward knowledge abt what happened behind the scenes, & its being confirmed just by kip saying there’s some link b/w wallace & the investigation of yore…like, i know i just said im dumb as hell & my guesses are bad, but i’d guess eno thinks that their inside info getting out elsewhere was via himself, not yumi, despite what he said. or even technically if it couldve been yumi i think he thinks it was his own fault. and its not surprising he wouldnt bring up his own suspicious abt his self involvement because like after everything went to shit & the entire project seemingly destroyed, there’s not much relevance to investigating how it happened if nobody plans to be involved. and it would be a little awkward then & now for him to tell kip he thinks he may have been involved in the downfall, even if inadvertently…hm

like……it would be nice if he had secretly developed some kind of assassin level knife throwing skills in the past years. wouldnt it always be. but honestly kip was fuckt the whole time…….nobody seems to be threatening anyone else with knives but i guess if some shadow organization that murders at whim & unhindered shows up & makes threatening demands, the implication is that anyone could be killed, even if some people get to stay alive for the moment just for the sake of pushing them to do something or other thats convenient for whatever latest death plot is underway

e.g. i’m not sure what the point is of purposefully trying to put kip on alert besides having him fall back on eno even more than he would without bringing up that specific threat

but really besides the “well i’m already resigned to someone stabbing kip in the gut while killing everyone he knows in front of him w/promises to kill everybody else too” factor of it all (im not really but—) another reason i cant be that mad is b/c i am also resigned to the fact that wallace is basically in the same kind of position eno was, of an accidental accessory to secret murder

b/c it would truly be a twist if wallace WAS actually in on it the whole time lol….but i doubt it. but the fact remains that he is definitely unwittingly a pawn of the devil!! this wouldnt be a problem if, marxism. anyways the thing is that i really, really doubt that wallace will smoothly learn of whats actually going on before anyone else knows or anyone gets fucked over and be able to gently reveal this to everyone in ways that nobody feels betrayed or breaks their trust with him. i am not even sure how that would be possible…..it is basically inevitable that wallace will have to be exposed as connected to this whole secret society of nightmares, and nobody really knows wallace well enough to be certain that he actually didnt know. and really, the fact that he Doesn’t know doesnt change the fact that he is in fact a part of it and facilitating it, even tho arguably it isnt quite his fault

tbh im assuming that the reason he’s having to do all of this is that he was willing to be transplanted from a to c, and because of that he is like totally clueless about like….everything. he presumably has no idea the kinda shit everyone around him is worrying about like all the time lol & wouldnt know not to try to push past those boundaries. but he can’t exactly be asked to do anything that much different from what he’s doing now / anything too clearly Heinous…besides maybe getting Extra Info or simply making ppl nervous, like making kip think he’s endangered.

coz t.b.h……………i’m not sure that, between kip seeing wallace as harmless and well-intended vs dangerous & ill-intended, the latter is worse? because he is a mix of the two….he doesnt mean any harm but he IS dangerous, technically. not directly thru his own actions quite as much, but still, obviously……kips first impression was basically correct lol rip. i dont think there WAS a way for kip to ever not suspect wallace as being less than purehearted, and of course i also dont think he won’t have to find out that wallace doesn’t want to hurt everybody, but at least he’s a bit on guard about all this fuckery…..even if putting him more on guard is part of some evil plot, which also means its bad…….obviously ideally everyone gets to only ever be best friends and also all be kip’s boyfriends, but i don’t think i my wishes have a tendency to come true, so maybe wait on anticipating that one. in the meantime maybe the inevitable revelation that wallace may have been a double agent will be lessened if kip was holding out for it all along lol. i guess it depends on how much more inadvertent damages wallace’s role is intended to invoke. weird sentence there but i stand by it

basically like dude!! try Knowing Shit instead of not knowing shit!! he may only be an accidental hand of the devil but that doesnt mean he’s totally not working for satan here, so hopefully when he finally realizes the extent of it, he gets to help to right the situation. presumably. idk. but how would anyone know for sure that he never knew what was going on besides trusting that he is not just an excellent actor? i suppose we are in the same situation with eno, huh. despite being given kip’s endorsement, there is only a limited picture of him & then the knowledge that he probably played a part in all the bs w/all these ppl dying. i suppose you can guess that he knew all of what was going on or he didnt or somewhere in between….

basically w/wallace and eno i am assuming that with both itmd a case of well-meaning humans being taken advantage of and accidentally infiltrating these vulnerable circles and sending back information and oh oops, atrocities, and everyone’s dead. i cant imagine that at least kip is meant to survive, and not sure why eno would feel particularly safe on that front either, and clearly any casualties that seem even vaguely necessary can just be carried out at random so you know. bless wallace’s well meaning heart that doesnt know shit but like still, if ppl get fucked over they still have the right to be mad, and if theyre dead theyre still dead, and etc, and also try to learn shit even if it was just a regular, non Agent Of Evil job.

basically what i am trying to say is that im pulling up on my motorbike and telling people that if they’re going to be mad at eno, they ought to be equally condemning of wallace, or that is just inconsistent. like, feel free to either way surely…….i can’t guess that it’d be smooth sailing for eno either if he has to awkwardly divulge that maybe he knows stuff about the whole assassination backstory.

i do wish he had those knife throwing skills for sure…..wish he wasnt being gunpointed into pressuring kip into something or other that surely will endanger him & surely others….but i get why he doesnt exactly seem to have other options at the moment lol. this guy could have assassins all over the block if whatever godforsaken conspiracy is already underway and waistdeep. smh. as i have to assume that he would only endanger kip if he was basically being given a catch 22 of Endanger Kip or Endanger Kip. i suppose he could be doing it solely so he himself won’t be assassinated, but i am personally piecing together that he and kip Are Really in fact That Close & he hasn’t like, faked caring about him this whole time or something

uhhhh tldr i think of him as basically in the same position as wallace, tho to be fair i dont think of wallace as blameless part for not knowing whats going on (like im guessing eno didnt understand until it was too late) and in part because even without the devil he IS just barging in from a in the middle of c & also pursuing audiences w extra vulnerable ppl w/o knowing fuckall (unlike eno who i am also guessing is not from a…)

and perhaps the sole answer to your question as really i was only inferring the part abt asking if eno is suspicious and dubious or not: I Am Fond Of Him Like I Said

what an essay! as all my asks turn out to be!! but i can’t help but theorize. even though i am a dumbass. this is in part because i watched mh for years, and in part because i never assume i’ll still be alive to see any particular plot point in any ongoing media i consume, so i furiously speculate and create au’s in my head and all. for example if i die before its definitely revealed kip doesnt get twenty husbands—which, good luck proving that to me anyways—can anyone tell me he doesnt? no, because i died. so he definitely does. and thats all i have to say on the matter, thank you for tuning in to Milo’s Hour Of Speculation, And Knowing Everyone Is Kip’s Boyfriend

#Whew Uhhhh #long post xoxo

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aquarianlights · 6 years

Note

Are you okay? I wish I could be there for you to help you more, if you need anything please let me know

Idk if this is someone I know or not (I private messaged you about that coz I have a friend who is constantly changing his unsername and this would be a VERY appropriate icon and username for him), but nonetheless.........

I really, REALLY appreciate this message.

I haven’t been drunk in years, I believe. I get tipsy every now and then. But never drunk. Alcohol isn’t something I enjoy. At all.

Anyone who takes psych medications knows exactly why and I won’t have to explain that.

Nonetheless, I did. And it was, of course, terrible. Due to psych meds. Again, anyone who takes them knows why. But everything before that was.... a nice flashback to when I was a stupid kid and a stupid alcoholic.

And it turned me into a mess of emotions which...I am not an emotional guy usually. I USED to be. I mean, hell, look at ANYTHING on my blog prior to...oh, say, 5 months ago? Maybe 4? Maybe 6? I’m not sure how long it’s been, but. Nonetheless.. Anything that is not associated with the name Killian and is not associated with the name Killian AFTER I got my full diagnosis on this blog.....you will CLEARLY see I was initially a robot/Vulcan with NO emotions that sprung into a little emo boy with a INFLUX of emotions who just... spiraled into what borderline personality disorder really is...and fell into the category of the extreme outlier of BPD like I was meant to be all along and like I have learned to live happily with and like I have learned how to deal with.

I don’t normally just....Idk.

But these past three days, now 4, have just..... I mean, man. I told my irl friends that if I got to the point of relapsing where it became a problem again...or if anyone say ANYTHING becoming a problem again....to PLEASE hold an intervention for me and that I would NEVER react like I did in the past to everyone who tried over and over to give me drug and alcohol and self harm and suicidal related interventions. It always went terribly because I was a brat and thought I knew better and had anger issues that I didn’t know I had.

Well, I told them in full detail that I would, for the first time in my life, be receptive to what they had to say, whether it be in person, in a video chat, in a group chat, via letters, emails...whatever... But that if it got to a point where I was out of control, that I needed help. And I trusted them to know the signs before I did because they ALWAYS have.

Maybe my catastrophic thinking is getting in the way and I’m just being paranoid? Maybe it’s not a problem.

Or maybe I really have pushed my pretty expansive circle of good and best friends so far away that they only care and throw me a bone of hope when I’m literally on the verge of dying.

I always have to either be dying or already dead for them to care and throw me that bone of hope. That’s been proven with them. Normally, I’d have cut people like that out in 2 seconds flat. No questions asked. But this isn’t...normal for the people I’m referring to. Certain people I did cut out in 2 seconds flat like BYE. But the others.... it isn’t normal and I know there are certain major things happening and we are ALL at a very pivotal point in life..... but that doesn’t mean you just abandon your packmates. Your long distance ones, your fremily, or your new packmates. Your packmates are bonded for life, even if they leave your life, and you do not just cut them out and if they are doing the things they are doing...there is a reason for it and I will not cut them out until I hear an explanation as to why, whether it be a reason, an excuse with a justification, an excuse by itself, or an “I don’t have any excuse or reason or justification for why I’ve been neglecting you”. I just need to know WHY before I cut them out. And depending on what they say...they may not get cut. I mean, if it’s anything other than what I, personally, deem as a reason (other than one person who has the privilege of having ANY of the things I listed after and I would wholeheartedly respect any of those answers if he gave them to me, which I know he straight up would as he never lies to me and never would), you’ll be cut out. If you can convince me it is a reason, then okay. If I don’t see it as a reason and I want you to convince me it is a reason and you say you don’t feel like it and it’s not worth your time, then I damn well know it’s NOT a reason and that cutting you out is definitely the right choice.

But cutting any one of them out would hurt like hell. But I will not do it without hearing an explanation first, because they are all packmates. And when you’re a part of the pack, you do not get cut off by the pack. But I will come to your house, if you are long distance from me, and personally rip your pack mate necklace from your neck. If you are no longer a part of our pack. Because our code is if someone is wearing the pack necklace...we know we can trust them.

And I want to implement something further with the necklaces (as I have multiple packs so multiple necklaces) to where if one of us is in danger or need to send a message, they can send someone with one of our pack necklaces or a picture of the necklace and we won’t say a word and keep the secrecy until they show us the necklace without saying a word themselves and we will all silently know what it means. If they start to ramble about what it means, then we automatically know they’re faking and they have done something to our packmate...and we seek vengeance.

It sounds like a cult or a gang. But it’s not.

The way you become a pack member is just....by trust. And not in a gang or cult way. It’s literally just.... all of us in said pack (whichever pack) somehow come to meet you (usually and hopefully separately) and somehow we end up mentioning your name to another pack member and the other pack member goes “Oh hey I just met x the other day! They seem really cool. You met them, too???” and I go “Yeah! I met them the other week! We talked about blah blah blah....” And then suddenly another pack mate comes home and is doing dishes in another room and hears their name and goes “Wait...are you talking about x? I know that person.” “Wait what? How?”

And then after a few months, suddenly the whole pack knows them...and suddenly they start to join the group...suddenly we all start hanging out...and we start to get tight.... and we all (INDIVIDUALLY) assess whether they can be trusted or not. And it doesn’t take just months or whatever to join our packs. It takes literal like...YEARS of trust building. And it’s simple...y’know... actions, verbal....just hanging out, in groups, individually, relationships developing, etc etc etc.... and then one night suddenly the pack is talking and someone brings up, a year or so later, “Hey.... you guys think we should invite x into the pack?” We all grab our pack necklaces around our chest where the emblems hang. All look at each and shrug. “Sure. I mean. We can certainly sit em down and tell em about us and our values and what our pack means to us and how they can be a part of us if they want to and we can get them a necklace.”

It just....happens. Randomly. And there’s no real ceremony or anything. There’s no....ACTUAL pecking order but there is a little bit of a hierarchy in one of my packs. It’s basically just a bunch of us as friends just KNOWING that we can rely on each other and trust each other with our lives and love each other unconditionally and talk to each other about anything at any time and basically just... protect each other and stand up for each other BUT ALSO tell each other when the other is being stupid and correct bad behaviours and just....

THE PACK IS TO CREATE A COMPLETELY SUPPORTIVE, 100% PURELY POSITIVE ENVIRONMENT THAT SUPPORTS EVERYONE’S DREAMS, GOALS, ASPIRATIONS...AND EVERYONE IN THE PACK DOES EVERYTHING IN THEIR POWER TO HELP EVERYONE ELSE IN THE PACK ACHIEVE THEIR DREAMS NO MATTER WHAT. That is mainly what our pack is for. The necklaces just help us have.... long distance... coz we’re away from each other a lot coz of hectic schedules. Me and another one of us especially. And ESPECIALLY with my long distance packmates. So we can wear them and touch them at any time and always be connected.

And I really want to suggest that method of using the necklace as a symbol of sending a messenger or an outsider to other pack members to tell them that they can trust said person with any information they have to give and that everything they say and do is legitimate and verbatim to what whoever pack’s necklace (as they’re usually all unique to us in some way/colour/shape/form) said/did.

THE REASON I’m elaborating on my packs is that.............

The people who are neglecting me......

Are these people. Our blood runs through each others veins. We are people who have all been abandoned and/or abused by our families.....so we have made our own. As a pack. As a friend family. As a fremily.

Which everyone should have....but ours runs deeper than most peoples. And most people don’t understand that. And most people don’t understand that when I’m wearing a necklace......it’s not JUST a necklace. Everyone is all “Ooooo what a nice pendant you’re wearing, dearie! Where did you get it?” And I just look at them, aghast, saying “I do NOT have the time to explain that.” And walk away while they look appalled at my “rudeness”. Lmao. I could just say “I don’t know” but that is disrespecting our emblems to me. So I can’t do it.

THE REASON I WENT IN DEPTH ON ALL OF THAT AND TOOK THE TIME TO DO THAT .....is to explain why NORMALLY.... I can cut out just about anyone, no matter how near and dear to my heart they are or how long they’ve been in my life (aka parents LMAO) or whatever they’ve done for me or whatever this and that blah blah blah.

But my packmates I will NEVER *just* cut out. Ever. An explanation will come first before I cut them out...if that even happens.

Again, this is a HUGELY pivotal moment for us all....... and I’m not there with a certain pack (my main pack) I’m having problems with to see it in person. The other packs I’m having issues with.... I’m not sure if they’re having pivotal moments, actually, because they’re not only neglecting me, they’re practically ghosting me. Which is not okay. But it goes both ways. I haven’t exactly been texting them either. But why haven’t I been texting?BECAUSE I HAVE SOOOOOOOOOOOOO MANY PEOPLE TO TEXT THAT I JUST POST MASS UPDATES ON EVERY FUCKING SOCIAL MEDIA SITE I HAVE AND C/P SO THAT EVERYONE CAN FOOKIN SEE IT GODDAMNIT. I’m not gonna c/p the same message to like a million people over and over and over on my phone. I’m just not. I’m going to C/P on my major social media sites where everyone is and tag them if necessary.

And the fact I am being neglected and sometimes ghosted consistently ever since becoming physically disabled...and being SHAMED by my pack when I say that I’m not loved when I’m standing on a ledge ready to jump with only my phone to save me..... and then being p much ghosted by them for the remainder of ....well...until I’m right back on that ledge.... PROVES that I either have to be dying, in the hospital, or already dead for them to take me seriously, which I EXPECT from everyone else in the world because that is shitty human nature which shouldn’t be a thing, but is. But from my pack? My fremily? My inner circles? That doesn’t fly. No. Abso-fucking-lutely not.

I am not a different person just because I am physically disabled. Yes, okay, maybe I am actually.... I have become a lot more aggressive. And IF IT’S POSSIBLE, I have actually become MORE outspoken (is that possible? lmao) and I have become much louder and I am WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY more confident in my abilities than ever before.

But the fact that I am now HAPPY and can control my breakdowns and have healthy coping mechanisms and know how to healthily take care of myself........... THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU ABANDON ME. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE IN MY INNER CIRCLE AND I AM AT MY DEEPEST, DARKEST POINT IN LIFE.

Stagnancy is my biggest killer (hence why everyone has always tried to push me towards trauma surgery since I was old enough to be held in the lap of nurses in the overview seats of the OR watching room places when I was a wee lad waiting for my mom to get off work coz I always wanted everything to go fast fast fast and wanted to be an animal doctor and loved playing with blood and thought organs and stuff were cool and had a lot of questions but was so convinced I was gonna be an “animal doctor [veterinarian]” that i was adamant not to take any of their years and years of pushing medical training on me as a child growing up in hospitals running around the ER.... ahh, the 90′s were a simpler time. Lmao). Stagnancy comes with being chronically ill and in chronic pain. And when your doctors FUCK your medications up.........and you’re literally FORCED to be house bound........ and your roommates are up and out whenever they damn well please because yknow... THEY CAN..... (fucking able bodied people piss me off).....you can do nothing but relapse. Over and over and over again.

And one morning you wake up and wonder “Why the FUCK are both my benzos AND my pain killers EMPTY!????” and you’re frantically calling your doctors and every dealer you know.... And no one can help. No one can help.

And you’re housebound until the 23rd. Unable to even get the 3ish miles down the road to the wonderful little niche coffee shop you love to just study and do your schoolwork like you normally do.....so you try so hard to just....no more relapsing...no more slicing yourself to shreds.... no taking all those pills pumped full of potassium (which is a part of the lethal injection process) that you’re prescribed and overdosing on every single one of them. NO giving in. No becoming an alcoholic again. No quitting your medical studies just because you’re TRAPPED indoors. No quitting life just because you’re obese and you HATE yourself because you can’t FIX IT because you are TRAPPED. No more......

I have one person left to push away from me. I have managed to ostracize myself...... from everyone else. On purpose. I did it on purpose. I did so well, too. I really pulled that one off so well that even one of my two platonic soul mates fell for it. And now I’m left with one singular person holding on... and I need her gone so I can FINALLY say, TRUTHFULLY AND HONESTLY.... that “Yes. Everyone DID give up on me. And yes... everyone DID leave me. And no. NO ONE that matters who was that close to me, which is quite a good handful of people, even tried to help me after one point. And yes, I CAN tell you that exact date. And yes..... it is all written right here...in this suicide note.”

And that’s how I want it to be. But she won’t leave. But she’s also not giving me what I need to keep holding on. Which is not her fault. I don’t expect that from her or anyone. I need to give MYSELF that. But.... For fucks sake, I normally bounce back within 24 hours after a SERIOUS breakdown and a relapse. This is day 4... and I’m still on a downhill spiral. Not as badly as yesterday. I feel like I pulled myself up and last night and this morning were pure breaths of fresh air.... and now the downward spiral begins again.

Until the 23rd....I won’t know whether I should keep trying or stop.

Until the 23rd, I WILL keep trying because I did not raise myself to be a fucking quitter and I push myself 200% every single day otherwise I DID NOT do that day correctly and need to give 400% the next day. So until I find out what the prognosis is on the 23rd...... it is still the 200% every day, DESPITE the constant suicidal depression I feel that I NEVER thought would return. This lethargy and apathy brought on by stagnancy and being trapped in here and unable to leave because of my own BODY................................. is...... could be the end of my life.

But that’s a genuine reason for euthanasia. I will NEVER understand why humans are pro-euthanasia for the exact same types of sufferings in dogs, but against euthanasia in the exact same type of suffering in humans. If you’re gonna free an animal from suffering, why would you FORCE a human to continue living out its life in the same?

My grandmothers Alzheimer’s has progressed so badly that last I heard, she has now lost complete motor function to the point where she cannot stay in a chair and since my grandfather has dementia and all of the nurses aids quit, my grandmother slips out of the chair and falls to the floor and lays there and doesn’t even know it the whole time and neither does my grandfather while they’re watching TV the whole time. But since my grandfather is still “alert enough” despite his dementia, he is still her power of attorney and won’t allow us to put them in a home for stupid white manly man reasons. And all the nurse aids keep quitting on my family and the suffering is unreal and I just hope to fuck they die soon. Both of them. Some of you may think that’s cruel but those of you that do....obviously have not had ANY medical training in your lives. Because I would have thought so too before medical school. In fact, I was against canine euthanasia before I went to vet tech school. WOW was I an idiot. I was against a lot of things and called myself an animal rights activist just like a lot of vegans do before I went to vet tech school and became educated on what animal WELFARE actually is compared to the horrid world of animal “rights”.....

“In order to relive pain, one must suffer first.”“They tell us to do no harm and then hand us a 10 blade and tell us to slice a patient open in the OR.”“The only way you can do no harm is by harming the patient first to make everything better.”Things like that..............are things that opened my eyes GREATLY in medical school...... to the fact that there are MANY times when people have a goddamn RIGHT to euthanasia, aka assisted suicide is what it’s called in humans. But honestly... it’s just euthanasia.

The 23rd will determine a lot.

I’m in a lot of pain. Physically....and now EMOTIONALLY to a point at which I cannot handle. And no one can do anything for me except me.

And since I am a 26 year old man... I need to learn to take care of it myself.

Because that’s what everyone wants me to do, right?

Right.

So I will obviously take care of it myself like I always do. Set a timer on my phone for however long I am allowed to break down for, cry and break down for that amount of time, when the timer goes off... get up, wipe my face clean and my arms clean, put my glasses back on, fix my hair and clothes, and go back out and face the day and do what I’m supposed to do.

As I’ve been doing for months upon months. Maybe a good half a year now. It was working so nicely....until 3 days ago.

I just don’t know what happened.... Maybe today will make it better. Maybe it will make it worse...... Who knows.

The 23rd will tell.

Thank you caring enough to send me a message. And no I am most certainly not okay. At all. Physically or mentally.But I appreciate the ask. I do. As no one cares enough to even send one nowadays. I appreciate the offer.

But I should keep dealing with things on my own as I have been this whole time. I need to learn how to better compartmentalize and detach. I was doing so well until 3 days ago. I still don’t know what happened. But.... I’m sure I will figure it out. Somehow.......I appreciate this ask. A lot. It makes me feel a little better.

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