#I'm through so much glass

[suncaptor]

no there really was something about riding back from the volta region to accra in africa and like having hundreds of white-winged flying bugs flocking to the headlights of the van and shedding wings across the ground in the flickering dark and reflective rain. by the time we got back to accra the rain had lifted and there's a part up the hill where you can see the city sitting on rocks in front of you and how it stretches. it was beautiful.

#incoherents #i dont think i could feel a thing then or now i am always so scared. i spent that night. it was easter. at the hospital. #i landed badly paragliding and was hypothermic in high high heat. i was my wound cleaned i was scared I'd die #for no reason. i was having ocd issues. kept imagine getting infected. it was kind of nonsense #but i couldn't get any creams and i had to shower #(had to shower so methodically. in sevens. make sure no part of me could have covid covid covid) #i must have seemed insane. i didnt eat anything but a tiny bit of jollof and my friend helped me get some plantain chips but the night #market was nearly closed #its funny. how me now me then me at 19 how everything is a different lense #I'm through so much glass #i can't imagine being who i was a year ago I'm all hollowed out I'm dead I'm not real #there's a perspective shift. there's things if only i could not drown and be real that i could make so much out of #i want to exist in this world so badly. i want to feel it. i want to be real. but there's too much horror and grief and it consumes me #the beat of their wings was so empty whit #the best psychiatrist i ever had was the boss of the guy i saw that week cause i was scaring myself. but who referred me to him got me so #scared bc he thought i was manic and i freaked out and started crying and asked everyone including half a dozen professionals #if they thought i was because i was scared I'd end up paralysed (again. ocd.) #they took me to the hospital because they were afraid #god i was so much better then yet #and the surgeon guy was not appropriate enough but he liked me. he knew i wasn't a risk. it was all so useless. but you know. #another person to say I'm not manic. god i was so neurotic. well. #okay I'm rambling. it's just. nothing feels real nothing ever feels real #i want to exist have i really not existed this whole time? #i feel like there's so much i missed i grieve everything but not as much as i. #i got better on this med but maybe it wasnt the med. i was . talking to her more again wrapped up #and #hhhhh #nothing is real. i love her

[morrigan-sims]

And I forget sometimes I'm just flesh and bone.

As he stands in the ruined bathroom, all Rook can think is, At least now I can breathe.

#ts4 #ts4 edit #the sims 4 #sims 4 edit #my edits #ts4 render #my renders #blender render #oc: Rook #dnd sims #ts4 dnd #please I beg of you open this in a new tab and look it it. it's 2080px across and I spent way too long on tiny details. #(like the blood on the shards of glass on the sink. and the mirror alone took well over an hour...) #augh I love my boy so much #he's really going through it right now tho #poor bby #but when he's going through it I'm having fun playing him so... #yeah #blood tw #tw blood #so this is scheduled to go up right as we're starting our session picking up from exactly this point. #I thought that would be thematically fitting #please listen to this song it's so good and it's very Rook. #I almost put the lyrics right after this line (''I saw my reflection on the street that night / he said I got something to change your life #/ he said you don't look wrong but you don't look right'') #bc yk mirror shit. But I ended up going with this line instead because it's VERY VERY fitting for the conversations going on w/ Rook. #specifically about his reckless endangerment of himself to the point where some of his party members consider it to be self-harm. #(and obviously punching a mirror intentionally is self-harm.) #but like Rook doesn't see it that way and he's so confused as to why the party is so upset with him. (esp. his mentor and the gunslinger.) #god I could talk about this ridiculous man for hours so I'll stop here.

[dawnthefluffyduck]

hey that's not supposed to be out there (uploaded wrong version at first haha whoops)

#not supposed to be that color either #i wonder who that belongs to #i had a very vague meaning for this in mind but saying it would spoil the fun #christ this took me forever #i wanted to do a quick project to give myself a break from my final #but accidentally made an entirely new kind of nightmare #BUT i can proudly say that i am very proud of this despite how long it took me #alrighty this blog is all about tracking progress so my thought on this; #it's not really as energetic as i had hoped to make it so i think that's the biggest technical issue i have with this #i'll try to get back to doing more gestures soon as a way to help with that #i think my shadows are a bit confusing too #i'm looking at it now and his glasses kinda taper off into the void of his fur bc i didnt mark the shadow along the left of his ear #but the thought of digging back through layers to fix it and blending that mess in is giving me a headache so i'm content with leaving it #i think i learned a lot about light and reflections though #my shadows aren't the greatest but i had so much fun rendering the glasses #and the glow of the soul pushed me to think about bounce light a lot more #figuring out how to make the colors look like they were glowing was a whole separate issue #i did it in the last big ralsei drawing i did but not nearly to this extent #i won't be doing something this large for a while after this but i'll keep trying to work on the things i didn't like about this #i think i'm gonna start putting my self-crit in the tags from now on #it really does bulk up the posts and it's hard to scroll past #i like reflecting on my work like this though #i've been able to draw a lot more since i've started doing it because it helps me create specific goals for myself #lets me keep pushing myself while still having fun with my art #ralsei #deltarune #deltarune fanart

[vulturevanity]

I know what you are

#my next life as a villainess #hamefura #currently reading through the Verge of Doom manga! #unsurprised to say I hate Geordo even more in this timeline #I haven't seen enough of this Keith to form an opinion of him #though I'm already far more compelled by the broken family dynamic here than by the Weirdness in their relationship in the main TL #and VoD!Mary is so far much more friendly with Katarina than her straight-up obsessed canon counterpart #WILD that VoD!Bakarina is so far shaping up to have far healthier relationships than canon!Bakarina despite unfortunate timing #not that I ever expected a reverse harem to depict healthy relationships at all #btw shout out to the author of the series “through tinted glass” on ao3. you get it #and also whoever wrote Zucchini Flowers. That fic basically fixed every issue I have with the polycule lmao #but I'm rambling #romance in chiaroscuro

[raedear]

.

#I'm still upset but my dad said my mum is okay and the budgie was still alive as of 11 #so hopefully she makes it through the night and just needs to grow her tail feathers back #i don't resent that i moved quickest and picked her up before she could be hurt more #but i would like to stop feeling her in my hands soon please #i washed my hands three times after i put her down and still when i went to get my phone from the kitchen i had blood under my nails #I'm telling you there's a reason i don't have parties on my actual birthday #my dad said she was on her swing in the cage #and she was whistling when i left her #but they're very small creatures and it was a very big shock and while it wasn't loads of blood she still doesn't have much to spare #I'm spiralling a bit I'm away to cuddle Sam #chewing glass

[notmoreflippingelves]

Thinking about how aggravating it is that fandom boils down a lot of really fascinating Ace Attorney ships to "oh, so we're copying narumitsu's homework again, are we?" --as though the only reason that someone might find plausibly these ships (romantic and/or platonic) interesting is surface-level similarities to the fandom juggernaut pairing and not like the compelling characters and their established bonds in and of themselves.

#aa salt #ace attorney #imagine acting like your ship 'invented' devotion to an old and once-dear friend and wanting to save them from the world and themselves #and being completely unironic about it #and assuming that other ships that involve this very very common and established trope are just 'copying' your fave #n@rumitsus do this all the time and have the audacity to act all *shocked pikachu face* #if someone dares to suggest shipping cykesquill or nahyupollo romantically #asoryuu gets a pass but then some people turn around and dunk on baroryuu and asobaro on their behalf #which also sucks b/c honestly i prefer both of those ships #but i like asoryuu well enough and they deserve better than being reduced to 'what if narumitsu in period drama setting?' #sorry not sorry but #cykesquill; nahyupollo; asoryuu are all arguably more interesting takes on the dynamic than the basic blueprint set by n@rumitsu #krisnix and langworth also fall into this albeit not in a paralleling n@rumitsu's arc way #but specifically kris and lang being reduced to being phoenix's and miles's 'type' and/or temporary displacement by the nm shippers #kris may be rich; smart; quiet; and glasses but he is so much more than 'miles but evil' #meanwhile literally all that phoenix and lang have in common are spiky hair; heroic; and sassy #and yet it's just assumed by much of the fandom that this is the case and its just phoenix or miles only being attracted to kris and lang #b/c of surface level similarities to their true beloved #i just...i'm tired #why do so many of y'all have to filter everything about every aspect of this fandom through a n@rumitsu lens #do not even get me started on 'that man' nonsense #fandom makes aai 1 entirely about one (1) line and totally ignores all of the more interesting dynamics for miles w/ gumshoe; lang; + kay #phoenix isn't even in the damn game and yet people are fixated on a single vague allusion to him instead of all the other great stuff #happening w/ miles' character in the game that have little to nothing to do with phoenix #not tagging n@rumitsu b/c omg can you even imagine? #but i guess i can tag the others #cykesquill #nahyupollo #asoryuu

[thirdtimed]

ive never had engagement to this extent on my art cross platform between tumblr And twitter before... it's so surreal to me. thank you all for the kind words!!!

#i'm almost tempted to plug my main LOL #<- won't. because i'm shy. #i'm a tumblr native at heart so posting on twitter is very new to me but i see why artists might prefer it over tumblr now #it feels more... visible? #as opposed to here where it feels more like i'm allowed to exist within my own bubble... #i much prefer tumblr for talking/rambling... i love talking in tags.. #also i realize now ive been spoiled by tumblr's lack of automatic crop. fighting for my life over on twt trying to get those images to work #i feel like i can't. touch too many things on twitter. or talk too much. because something will break. #i also feel way too highly visible there like an ant being hit with a beam of sun through a magnified glass #i usually take to making a side account like this whenever i get a particularly lethal interest to wait until it naturally dies down #but it's normally a very lowkey affair. i never get notes like this! even on main! #so thank you all once again for the kindness..

[jorvikzelda]

zelda zelda zelda zelda zelda

#this jacket is one of the best things that ever happened to me in this game ngl #''ugh i dont like how the ears poke through the hair'' skill issue. zeldas ears AND glasses poke through her hair and its CUTE #h: dreamwhisper #Kátur is like. My soul horse #I saw him and went ouhghfbhg you are the one I have been waiting for... #gm kira ive seen you around on tumblr i dont think you follow me but. If you see this. Thank you for him <333333 #sso #ssoblr #z talks #z's photos #I love new zelda so much i Literally cant stop just admiring. The Uncrust. #The novelty of this is never going to wear off. I spent 3 years waiting for it. you best believe I'm going to spend the next 3 being amazed

[isfjmel-phleg]

🫥

#random personal stuff #whining ahead feel free to ignore #after a little over two weeks with my family I guess it was hard today to go back to church here and #be reminded how easy it is to feel utterly disconnected for some reason #I have a small amount of friends whom I do very much appreciate #but otherwise it's like going through life in a glass case #which is probably my fault somehow #anyway I miss going to a smaller church (it got assimilated into this huge one) #and I miss smaller more intimate Bible study groups #there are more people around now whom it's not easy to be real or vocal in front of #(including the lady who once asked if I were one of the then-pregnant women and can't remember my name etc.) #and that's not their fault and they have every right to be there #it's just a different dynamic and unfortunately it's one that I haven't figured out how to be comfortable in yet #feeling like you belong with particular people is just really hard you know? #it has to be earned and proven and mulled over sometimes for years #before it's ever even believable #I got assigned a while back to consider why the whole disconnect thing #still drawing a blank #probably supposed to have an epiphany about what I'm doing wrong #if so can it be shipped a little faster because I don't have time for this nonsense

[dawdlecentric]

Man, this doujin isn't fucking around

Meanwhile, Seikuri in the background...

Doujin: Flashbackers by Totobe

#my ramblings #bocchi the rock #no fr tho. please read flashbackers!! it's so good! #it's a ryokita doujin made by one of my fave artist and everything about it is just...so great. I can't express it enough #whether you ship ryokita or not it's still a good read! like really it's well articulated and goes in depth about ryo & kita's relationship #and acknowledges how unhealthy it is but the realization of this makes the both of them understand each other more clearly without- #-seeing through rose colored glasses. I just- ughhh! I'm not good with words and I can't stress it enough so once again please read this! #you can really tell how much this artist is passionate and dedicated about the ship #not only that but how they color the cover page (and their art in general) is JUST SO CATCHING! LITERAL EYE CANDY! #and the pacing and panelling of the story is well thought out plus the equal balance of humor and angst is so entertaining & heart wrenchin #and their art style... fricking adorable and expressive and striking!! Just grrr!! I LOVE THIS ARTIST'S WORK SO MUCH!!! #I'm not that particularly crazy about ryokita but they are very interesting to explore and could have some potential if they worked out- #-their own flaws. I've been meaning to draw them sometime (if only I could start posting decent bnj art- #-tfw hyper fixation so strong it overwhelms you and in turn can't make fanart of it even if you most definitely WANT TO) #ehem. anyways I think it's quite criminal that ryokita was one of the least popular btr ships #in other story. I was woken up by my cat way to early today so I ended up reading this in a half awake state XD #I just found out last night that this doujin was already translated so what better time to read this other than first thing in the morning- #-running on three hours of sleep 😃👍

[sysig]

VUXisms (Patreon)

#Doodles #SCII #Helix #ZEX #Or if you prefer my very Normal Collection of ZEX stimming lol #I'm not choosing to read alien behaviours through a neurodivergent lense you can't prove anything #Okay you got me yes I am lol - in conjunction with my ADHD Max HC (which I am only more convinced of lol) I went into this with #Really any kind of self-soothing behaviour fascinates me :D And ZEX definitely needs the soothing ;; #But it's not just the stimming! Though I did keep pretty diligent notes about that lol he's deeply interesting to me! #He's a texture person! Part of that is due to being VUX and having very processed food but if it fits it fits! #I'm also a texture person - again I have too many notes relating to ZEX lol #I also find it charming (or sad - whichever is applicable at the time!) when ZEX eats in ''odd'' ways haha ♪ #Eating without utensils - you can always just wash your hands you do you <3 #The weighted blanket lol so - I had a very normal and measured reaction to ZEX enjoying full-body pressure lol #Solely and purely intellectual! Of course! VUX enjoy swimming! Full-body pressure makes complete sense! #And he's a tactile person on top of that - pressure good for multiple reasons! I really do think he'd sleep better with a weighted blanket ♪ #Back to stimming! I really loved the scene of him opening the water bottle and his therapist being So Impatient with him about it lol #Let him figure it out! He's very intelligent! Very skilled at finding weak points and exploiting them hehe <3 #But then he runs his finger on the lip of the bottle! Wine-glassing it while he talks hehe <3 I love him #Humming!! Another stim I relate to! Not so much now since it was ''encouraged'' out of me so I may be doubly biased towards him using it hee #Too delighted to focus on utensil lessons and yet he's still clever enough to pay attention to multiple things at once hehehe ♫ #And then aside from his actual biggest stim he plays with his hair quite a lot - in various ways and to different ends :D #Running his hands through it to self-soothe or tugging on it to express - I kinda read it as him trying to move his head feelers around haha #Not quite the same but something! #Oh and then his biggest stim - just looking at humans lol it is very dopamine-delivering <3 And he has dopamine now! Very powerful :3c #Hhhhh human chemistry for VUX behaviours <3 It's so interesting to me hehe ♪

[constanthinople]

Curious Cat is the worst name an equivalent of the Cheshire Cat has ever had oh my god.

#also I have never seen a show using Alice through the looking glass correctly #why even use that specific book if you're just gonna use Alice in Wonderland characters and destroy the meaning of stop being you #it's like they saw the Disney version of Alice in Wonderland. the bad one. and took it as face value #Alice in wonderland is too chaotic and you have to depend SO much of the audience to know the story for it to work on a tv season #it didn't work in ever after high and it didn't work here either because it's so different and so outside of the plot of both series #it did work on Pandora Hearts because it was the whole show #and it's also funny watching rwby and thinking about Pandora because they use the wizard if oz too and rebirth and Destiny™ #but better #this is just me rambling because I don't want to think about the suicide implications right now #I'd much rather think about good Alice through the looking glass adaptations than hurting myself with that thing #this is gonna be my only rambling ever because I don't like complaining #but I'm too passionate about Alice in wonderland for some reason and I can't shut up

[talentforlying]

none of the muses on my hellblazer multi are linked to the canon of my constantine portrayal, but i think that i am going to bring my ellie's canon divergence over here (summary post) in regards to hellblazer #104 & its ramifications in 125-128, bc that still does not sit well with me and i will be annoying about it forever. john constantine respects chantinelle in this house, even if they did still betray each other in the end; they simply have too much history for him to be so pointlessly goddamn cruel when he knows full well that she would probably have agreed to a trade of some kind instead.

#( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS. #paul jenkins' mistreatment of ellie + his correlating mischaracterization of john might be my roman empire actually #you're telling me john 'you could have bloody asked you know. that's all' constantine would pull a stunt like that? Nuh Uh Babes #besides the obvious He Would Not Fucking Do That. john is simply too savvy to just carelessly burn a bridge like that #on a personal level? he knows how much he owes ellie. he knows how much she's lost. he can relate to her struggles #pragmatically? he knows how smart she is. he knows she's seen him operate behind the scenes well enough to predict him #he knows she's patient as hell & VINDICTIVE as hell. he Had to know there was no trump card that would let him get away with wounding her #would he still manipulate her in some way if he felt it was necessary? yeah duh. but that's my point: this Wasn't Necessary #why burn one of your most consistent allies/most skilled assets when you don't have to. makes no damn sense #and if it Was necessary it sure as fuck wouldn't have happened like THAT #also? ellie is too fucking smart to even have Begun falling for a ruse that transparent. she knows exactly how he operates #hell it was part of her Goddamn Job to fake emotional connections for leverage! she would see through him like glass! #and she already knows that he's not interested in her like that (hellblazer 60 anyone?) so even if she did think his feelings had changed.. #why would she not ask more questions......idk justice for my girl she's so much smarter than all that bullshit #this has been my ted talk #( headcanons. ) I'M JUST LIKE THE BASTARDS I'VE HATED ALL ME LIFE. #sched.

[47-protons]

i have spent the last 45 minutes reading about muscle atrophy in birds and i am holding qJaiden so very very very gently

editing this post bc i Keep Reading. i am being viscerally reminded why i don't go into pet stores that may have birds (< pissed)

#tldr of the research. a LOT of the birdfolk are like. fucked. they're soo fucked. i will put this aside bc It's Mine/craft but #i will not lie abt there being an Itch To Write in my fingers #bird autism my beloved. i'm halfway through a paper abt the psychological effects of wing clipping on parrots and i am gripping phil #frantically breaking tags so they don't end up in tags i don't want them in. tags are for me to mutter in not for actually 'sharing' #i am WILLFULLY ignoring thinking abt qBags bc otherwise iw ill get VERY upset #vibrating at a speed that could shatter glass. hey guys the effects of clipping a bird soon or immediately after fledging. are SO bad #especially LONG TERM. we are talking like lesions on heart tissue level BAD. #i don't think that the feds that would pull out her feathers cared much about long term. i'm going to kill that fucking bear <3

[soldier-poet-king]

I was writing some thoughts down about a book I'm halfway through (I am trying not to let things stew in my brain as much. Writing incoherent thoughts is good for my nerves) and it's a fantasy 'let's get the gang back together' fetch quest featuring a 60 smthn yr old protag but also I wrote, imo, the best thoughts I've ever had about coming of age stories and my unconventional love of them . An excerpt bc you don't need all my thoughts about the book specifically:

Life is a constant state of becoming, a coming of age novel is supposed to be about growth and self discovery and inching your way towards some sort of peace (loosely defined). If we're a different self everyday, if we are constantly changing and growing, I think all good stories are, in a way, coming of age novels. We're all just, coming of a certain undefined age. We often speak of selves as discrete phases "the former self" as if they're completely disconnected to who we are now, as if our current selves are not just a blend and growth of everyone we have been and are becoming. I hate the common equation of coming of age with "grim or edgy novel about teens and the loss of innocence" because it can be so much more than that! It should be so much more! There no clear loss of innocence, no clear delineation between childhood and maturity, there's no automatic flipped switch in real life. We're never "done" while we're still living, there's no Telos or permanent state of self in life, so how can coming of age be limited to teens? We're ALWAYS in a state of becoming and that is the most wonderful thing I've ever believed

Sometimes "that's just the (innate) human condition" is a source of immeasurable Joy and Hope

#franposting #bear in mind its not actuallt THAT COHERENT #i just managed to put it into words! #which for me is a lot th #tbh #coming of age #bildungsroman #take that english prof who i loathed and totally misunderstood human life #anyway yes i am reading the return of Fitzroy anguersell #the not reallt a sequel but def related book to HOTE #bc the HOTE sequel is out but i havenr read it yet #but i gotta read TROFA and i think the pali avrumpal bk first #and ill probs reread hotebc i rlly did love it that much #THERES NOT ENOUGH HRS IN THE DAY ;-; #anyway. consider. I'm incoherent #im tired. it's late. ive been so sad for weeks. my bodys falling apart. im not wearing my glasses bc i said i was goinf to sleep #but now im squinting ar mt phone half an inch frok mt face like a bad person #ILL GO SLEEP NOW #but pls come talk to me abt books ans stories ans rhe human condition ans states of becoming and life ans possibility #storytelling as a mirror through which we understand ourselves and the world and each other etc et c e tc #ALSO eden if u see this it was partially inspired by u #i cant remember the context but you said smthn abt coming of age and growth and its been banging around my brain since #and it articulated this thing ive tho8ght and felt but never had the words for