#I'm trying not to. but I've had to buy more food this month bc 1) I can fucking eat again and 2) I had been doing lots of cooking for her
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hey guys! had a nap so I'm back to update u guys properly. I'm going to try to summarize the post I made a bit better, as well as posting the picture I shared with the previews (as little as it is)
*TWPT extra image. Translation: ”Come back soon! - Lan Sizhui”
As always, check out my masterpost in order to get more content! ❤
So onto what I mentioned earlier today, I'm delaying Ch 27 of Ghost of Mine by at least one more week due to life continuing to throw shit my way. However I'm sharing some previews on ao3 (they will be removed when I upload 27, just like the aftercare ficlet). A longer explanation will be under the cut!
This is in addition to stuff that is still happening from my previous life update.
as you guys know the past tenants aren't really paying their dues, so I've been waiting on that & I got a large charge from an insurance company I wasn't expecting on top of that. Then I got a second charge from the same company, in the same month, for the usual amount. So we lost as much as 900+ dollars this month. As you can probably expect, that is a lot of money to lose at once unless you are reasonably wealthy and comfortable.
We only just today got our check for next month- early, which is great because we were worried that we would have to stretch things until the 3rd with no new groceries other than what my mom might be able to throw our way. Before we got the check as well my cats decided they absolutely did not like the food I got them- My cats aren't picky when they're hungry, so this was a bizarre and unexpected thing and I couldn't spare the money to buy a new bag of food (my mom helped us by buying a new bag of their previous food and essentially doing a trade with us, so she has the food they don't like) Just, in general a lot of stress is happening at the same time.
Onto GOM: I was writing recently (I can't remember the exact day, it was probably up to two weeks ago) as I did rewrite the entire beginning of Ch 27 and planned to cut out a lot more, which is why it's taking me much longer than expected to complete this chapter- it's my first show of proper investigation and intrigue that is a bit dangerous for the present time and not just, you know, only revealing information- I really want this chapter to be good and not rushed through like my initial first pass. It was a short-lived lapse in my stress when I wrote the first fourth of the rewrite, and I've hit a spot in the chapter that's difficult when my mind is so distracted by the stress.
SO, as to make up for this lack of update (again) I'm gonna give you guys three exclusive previews, one for the beginning of Ghost of Mine Ch 27 (just the first bit, not everything I've written so far bc its still prone to change and I want to give u guys the best version), the beginning of Rose Hips and Flushed Fingertips - The Story of Mo Xuanyu (GOM extra), and the beginning of The Wild Plum Tree (JC & LXC's story - GOM extra) so I hope you enjoy these exclusive previews, as they are all directly connected with the story and are canon to the GOM universe.
TLDR; struggling still, this is another delay. will check back in in about a week- I'm going to show you guys some exclusive previews for GOM related content that isn't yet released to make up for it right now! GOM CH 27, RH&FF (Ch.1/Part1), and TWPT (Ch.1).
PLEASE, KEEP IN MIND:
the previews are still very prone to change. RH&FF/TWPT especially, since I am always struggling on how I write JC to make him feel canon to me (and he doesn't here, in my opinion, just bc I haven't described him well enough there) so just keep that in mind when you read!
So I hope you guys enjoy the previews and come back next Sunday!
#yes lsz “drew” the picture i shared with the preview#its still a little too nice for his age as of that timeline but ehhhh ignore it#sasu speaks#GOM update#Ghost of Mine preview#previews#mdzs#mo dao zu shi#the grandmaster of demonic cultivation#mdzs fanfiction#mdzs fanart#mdzs fanfic#jiang cheng#lan yuan#lan sizhui#mo xuanyu#wei wuxian#sketch#writing preview#mdzs fic
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New Years Resolution Manifestation Rant Listicles
and yes I'll put it under Read More for all of our sakes. Happy New Year 2014 everbody!!
Prelude: Who I want to be
lemme be real for a sec. I am going to be turning a serious age this year. rhymes with flirty. I have had time to get grown but now it's time to get wise! It's time for me to get behind the wheel of my life again. I felt like I was behind it 4 years ago but We All Know What Happened. It Is Happening To All Us. Coming back home to my parents stunted my growth a little and also I feel it erode at my current friendships. I feel like I'm doing a good job of improving myself, but this year I need to improve my relationship to others. So yeah in short, less autopilot, more hangouts with friends, less overwork, more hobbies...
How will I go from Consoomer and Doomer to Improover and Dooer?
1. Be more consistent with what I want to practice - that goes for working out, digital art, other hobbies I may want to pick up... saw a Tiktok once saying that we need to pick up slow activities again bc clearly, the need to be instantly gratified has poisoned almost every aspect of our lives. InstaGrat also helps us be in autopilot a lot easier, we can't think, we can't breathe, we can't taste our food before swallowing it down. this year I'm going to change that by planting a lot of seeds that I may not see bloom for weeks, months, years even!
2. Approach people with curiosity - not the best communicator as I've said many different times on this blog. I always catch myself trying to make the conversation about myself and how I can relate to it instead of asking the other person more about themselves or what they think. I've seen enough thinkpieces on other sites recommend this that I might as well try it for myself and see how it works out.
3. Get off my damn phone - already made steps towards this! Tiktok and IG are gone from my phone, whenever I go into a huge timesink like Tumblr (sorry) or Discord I set it up so I get an annoying pop-up telling me all the other things I could be doing! (I will share this Shortcut w anyone who needs it, iPhone exclusive tho sorry)
4. Appreciate all the stuff I have - while I am nowhere need as bad as my mom who needs to go to Burlington and buy 3 whatchamacallits or else she has a nervous Boomer breakdown, I do admit I own and have access to a lot of things I take for granted, like books, games, tools like my iPad, PC, etc. I will fight against analysis paralysis, I will squeeze the life out of all that I own, I won't spend another day bored inside my head if I don't have to.
5. Collect. Organize. Do. - one of my oomfs indirectly changed my Youtube algorithm for the good and I've been getting a lot of videos from Improovtube. skimmed through a video that suggested a neat system for getting things done: Collect your thoughts and desires. Organize your tasks. Do the things that make it happen. and just like that every self improvement book I've read is useless. lol no but really it's crazy that that's all it boils down to. I will investigate more on this system but for now this seems like a good modus operandi.
Epilogue: Specific non-specific goals
Completing my year long art practice regimen
Reading more of my physical books and manga (and I get to see their spines when I finish :D)
Bigger boobs
Becoming a homeowner
Homoeroticism
Going to at least 5 group activities and meeting new people there
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chronicles of a vegan bodybuilder (29/90)
'i'll b damned if i cannot dance w/ u'
– Beyoncé, "TEXAS HOLD EM"
"i fucking ruined my body... and it's too late for me"
This is my 2nd or 3rd week of being plant-based. for the last month or so i've incorporated dried mint into my heavy cannabis tobacco smoking routine. During the Beyoncé album tonight, off maybe 250/300mg of a gummy, the paranoia slash reality check kicked in especially as i tried to burn my lungs to innocent guitar strums from inside the hearts of children.
The vitality of Beyoncé as manifested through her restless creativity and emotional honesty put a mirror up to me and my life choices. My relationships, my work. i wrote this from inside service to all of you. By tagging COWBOY CARTER and being inspired to focus on my farming we tap in to take it to the stars. i'm lucky that i know enough from a past decade or so of health-consciousness to pivot. i have a link card. i have a free home & fresh food. by tapping in with this blog and within a bigger platform we all become stronger.
i most likely had non-vegan pizza during my plant-based time. i'd also like to cut out gluten. These are banal things that strike me now that i'm dying. My chest pounds, my canals weak, my eyes sunken, my face swollen, skin discolored. Like my friend before she died, like she was dying. From sadness? i don't know, bc i've been dying from sadness. In solidarity i tell myself. And so i die alone.
At least my grandfather had someone there. i'm going to get up and take my blood pressure in a bit.i'll do the things my peers are afraid to do. They've been smoking and drinking, ruining their bodies with my microplastics. Buying posion products in big plastic. From this point on, i'm counting my gains.
GAINS
LUNG HEALTH +60 min
TEETH HYGIENE +60min
ENVIRONMENTAL HYGIENE 0+
NOISE POLLUTION 0+
SOCIAL +1
LIVER +1
app tracks ur psoitive behavior like thatndonundont have to type
Don't spend all day typing either. Relish in simple reflections of real work & experiences* Go Live!
Give credit to everyone"what have i been doing to my beautiful body?" Make chamomile tea. Order ginger. Am i too late?Try again tomorrow... put it in your schedule! i've been abusing my body through executive dysfunction. All based around living out a hip-hop / rock n roll lifestyle as i dealt with the pressures of life. Now in the middle of the night, i wish as i come down, to get up and vacuum. Make GAINS in air quality. Make GAINS in tasks concerning water quality. And Medical Information. Yes, these are the things i should have done befofe i died. Now my thumbs are tired and my stomach is filled poison, my lungs are fried.
1:11 am
GAINS: 25+ deep breaths
8 BENEFITS
either take gluten out or possibly sub an herb in
1:23 am
sometimes breathing can be hard. but it's worth it. it's all we got.Poison in my hood. Poisoned by metal. What have i done to myself. i need a lung transplant fast. And i need to make a doctor's appointment. i could die any moment. i need to
GAINS
PHONE ADDICTION -50
DEEP BREATHS +100
Later...
The good news is: if this were a week ago i'd be binge drinking & eating dead animals covered in oil, grease, devoid of the green energy we share instead my muscles gently ache from my first workout in who knows how long (this blog knows)my teeth are healing and my lungs are working, i look forward to more questions and goals
Today's Question: What answers do i know so far?
Today's Goal: Two week tolerance break til 4/20
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Anyway gonna note things I've improved on for my sake ig.
1. Dishes. This is so fucking huge for me. Adderall also seems to help me tolerate sensory stuff a lot better, as well as not letting things (literally) pile up. Almost nothing grosses me out more than dishes.
Problems: unloading the dishwasher is easy, but even when I can do things, sometimes my mind is like "ok but you don't need to do it NOW". So dishes pile in the sink, first one side then the other. Then I can't use the sink--including to rinse off dishes to make them less gross, esp since before I got a decent dish pod, the dishes needed pretty much pre cleaned.
At some point I'll need to use the sink. So when I finally have to load dirty dishes, there's slimy water at the bottom and dishes are wet and that's so horrible to touch.
I also feel the need to have washed hands if I so much as touch a pinky to a dirty surface. And can like feel the contamination til I do. But I hate the act of washing them, and my hands are super dry and will crack. And I hate lotion. So I try to bundle dirty hand things together, and if doing dishes I also need to do cat litter and take out the trash. Which means I need dressed enough to go outside. But if I've already started then my clothes can't be touched with dirty hands. Also I have to do the bad tasks while overheating too.
ANYWAY I'm good now at 1. Unloading clean dishes sooner. 2. Even if I don't, I NEVER let both sides of the sink get full. At first that resulted in dishes filling the counter, but can't do that. Bc cricket will knock them off.
3. Rinsing dishes immediately no matter what. And scrubbing them with a stick thing--which isn't as gross to me when medicated. And i wash yhe handle sometimes.
4. If the dishwasher is unloaded, I can load things straight in there. Even if it's not organized.
5. Taking the silverware holder out of the dishwasher and putting dirty utensils straight there. So it's fast to load and I don't have to scrape dirty ones off the bottom.
6. This is the 2nd big thing but obviously connected. I used to have to constantly buy paper plates to feed my cats wet food on. Bc washing dried cat food off dishes is gross, and sometimes feeding them felt like so much effort bc of that. I had to do it once I got aspen but it was a bit easier bc she cleans her bowl lol.
Anyway I put leftover wet food on one bowl and wash the other 2 off, and after they've had time to go back for leftovers wash that/ soak if necessary. Aspens too. Ideally I soap and scrub (also getting a nice smelling spray dish soap helped so I don't have to touch the slimy bottle with spilled soap). If not I do it bef9rehand next meal. Since my hands are already gonna need washed from getting animal food on them it's a bit easier, and can also load other dishes then.
This created the problem of taking forever to do their food ritual though. Esp if I'm out of jt and scatterbrained. Solving it by getting more dishes. So if I don't do it once I have backups. Still gotta do it at some point though. But I realized if I get a decent few, then I can just rinse and put in the dishwasher. Like most dishes. Bc if I wash dishes a normal amount then thats how it works. Need to get more dishes though as the final step, and then I can stop the stress of practicing dish conservation.
Anyway so that's a whole ass thing. But dishes have killed me for years and I haven't let them get out of hand enough to be a problem for at least a few months. I wish there was a shorthand way to make someone other than logan get thus. But shorthand apparently is not my thing LMAO
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GEN MY BELOVED!!🥰🥰🥰🥰😭😭😭😭🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 HERE IS YOUR DAILY DOSE OF LOVE FROM YOUR WIFE!! BUT LOOK HONEY!!! I BROUGHT SOME OTHERS WHO LOVE YOU LOTS AND LOTS AND ARE PROUD OF YOU!!!!💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
(WHAT DO THOSE HIPS DO??👀)
(ME @ YOU & YOU @ ME💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗)
I'M HERE FOR YOU IF YOU WANT TO VENT OR CHAT OR SCREAM OR SING OR ANYTHING ANGEL!! YOU ARE LOVED! YOU ARE ENOUGH! YOU ARE WORTHY! I LOVE YOUUUU ~ 💗💗💗💗💗
HONEY 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺NO OK LEGIT THIS IS MAKING ME TEAR UP SO MUCH WHAT THE FUCK???? 😭😭😭😭😭 I AM GOING TO FUCKING CRY IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS STARBUCKS HOLY SHIT!!!!!!! this means so much omg. Didn't know I needed to see my wife. Bruno. Nell. Father Paul. FRODO AND SAM 😭😭😭😭😭SO BADLY!!!!!!
I mean god I've done my venting on the meds front but ugh also shit just don't be workin out today. I went to another coffee shop but they had no seats so I just had to get my coffee and leave- ended up at starbucks so I could get some actual FOOD in me too I just hate having to shuffle around so much. Then also my phone AND my laptop are both fucking around with me today- both times I tried to load up discord to reply to your dms they kept on CRASHING (my phone like crashed discord on startup too lmao like I need to get a new one- half my day has been spent comparing new phone prices and I'm hoping I can finalize what I'm gonna get with my mom when I get home lmao bc really I do need a new phone with more gig space mine's been full for MONTHS and I've had to delete a BUNCH of apps and photos but even that hasn't cut it) SO I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH MY WIFE EITHER AND I'M JUST?????
BUT OMG HONEY 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺THANK YOU. I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING ROUGHING IT TOO AND THANK YOU FOR SENDING THIS AND CHECKING IN ON ME I LOVE YOU SO MUCH OK AND NOW I'M CRYING BRUNO SENT ME OVER THE EDGE OK ILY
#thank you thank you thank you honeyyyyyyyyyyyy ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤#we'll get through babe. I know we will. just gotta hang on a bit longer#also disgruntled about how broke I am and how nice the dresses are at torrid this fine spring season and I'm mad about it#I do have a gift card tho from xmas I might have to use it bc god DAMN#still. also whenever I spend money on ANYTHING my mom is like 'lol don't' even though I don't make very big purchases on my own like#I'm trying not to. but I've had to buy more food this month bc 1) I can fucking eat again and 2) I had been doing lots of cooking for her#AND me with her dizzy stuff going on so like...#lmao idk man shit is just rough rn#would like to not be shamed from buying a 12 dollar pencil case for a change you know#or for a necessity like organization bins. you know? yeah.
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justine can I ask you about something admittedly very stupid? I don't want to ask my friends cause I'm pretty sure they'll judge me for it (not harshly but you know, they'll tease me and stuff and they ought to bc this is dumb). there's some clothes I want to get, they're made sustainably and ethically, which makes them pricier. any time a purchase is over like, $35 and nonessential, I freeze. for like, days.
for almost a year I had two roommates who, days before or even the day rent would be due, would tell me they only had part of their rent and couldn't pay me the rest for some time. sometimes they never payed me back at all. I lost count of how many times I had to cover the internet/utilities too so they wouldn't get shut off on top of covering even more of the rent. I didn't want to cause drama, so I didn't ask them for what they owed me. I don't speak to these awful roommates anymore now that I've left bc of how they took advantage of me but they left me with so many financial anxieties. I budget, I have automatic alerts set for if my bank account dip below a certain amount (my therapist thinks it's a bit high of an amount), I check my bank account pretty much every time I'm about to make a non-essential purchase, I still try to make my grocery expenses smaller any way I can, and I hardly shop without some kind of coupon ready and if I can I use more than one.
I checked my bank account yesterday, day 1 of this clothing indecision, and I'd be fine if I got the clothes (which I knew from the last time I checked my bank account). I'm afraid if I take too long to decide they'll sell out and then I'll be sad that I let them sell out, but I can't just manage to commit and buy them. idk what to do about it and it's truly so dumb. it's clothes, this is not anything I should be this stressed over. what do you think I should do???
ok so first of all this is not dumb! dont ever think something you struggle with is dumb! second, know that youre def not alone. well, I'm pretty much the opposite of that however i have a close friend that struggles with a similar thing and I know many people are the same.
and like of course there's no easy answer to this and i feel your therapist is more qualified to help you. like all i can think off is just trying to push yourself out of your comfort zone. that's what i do with my anxiety. start small. like even once a month. do something that makes you uncomfortable. just force yourself to buy these clothes! to order food! to spend money on something stupid. it might be hard at first but if you push maybe you will get to the point where you realized that you deserve to have fun and to spend your money on things you want and enjoy. its good to have savings and all but you need to start just enjoying stuff too!
i know thats not much of a help but yeah i hope you will get these clothes! love you! and im always here if you wanna talk!
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okay lmfao so ive been operating this whole time on an incorrect assumption ... i think about the 7k of savings i moved with two years ago and get mad about it like once a month cause wow! could rly use that money! but it was gone in like three months even tho we did have income. and I've been vaguely excusing like "oh ... well..... we did buy a lot of snacks....." but bruh .... combined we had like 400 in food stamps .... im losing my fucking mind 1) i know we did go over the food stamp limit but how ..... how .. do you spend more than 200 for food in a month. ive been putting all my spending into my credit card this month so i can see how much I'm spending and ive spent about 150 in about three weeks... for everything. food, bus money, a couple of random things i needed bc moving. Like goddamn. to be completely fair I probably should be eating more/healthier! But 200 per person, if you're trying to save money, is like ... a lot. Especially if you buy cheap stuff in bulk like rice and beans like my ex was at the time??? 2) if 400 was coming out of food stamps not my savings then where the FUCK did my money go holy shit
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I don't want to start a fight it's a serious question, because I'm still making up my mind: why do you think veganism and the goal of not harming other lives is a futile attempt? I have the feeling you're trying to make the better place yourself and educate others on racism. I don't know if I can forsake meat, cheese or leather but after what I've learned about the abuse and cruelty that happens on farms all over the world, it's my duty as a compassionate person to at least try. (one)
“(two) I mean, it can be difficult for different reasons but have you seen videos where dogs are skinned alive or pigs are burned alive? It’s disgusting. And it don’t has to be that gruesome. I mean, do you just shrug this off? Isn’t it at least our responsibility to minimise pain on animals(or othern people as well)instead of just saying “well yeah, this would be nice but what can you do”? Shit, I don’t know what to do with all this information.”
Yes, is futile. As I said before, if you are going vegan specifically and expressly to separate yourself from harming other living creatures you will not and can not succeed. The only way to do that is to not eat, not buy, not provide for yourself. The end.You can certainly lessen your impact, and that is a nice cause.You can certainly refuse to support mainstream factory farming, and that is a reasonable thing you can actually do.You can certainly refuse to stop consuming things that, for instance, have brains and hearts.But you cannot achieve a life that does not cause death. It is not possible. You should not strive to is my point.What you need to understand is that humans kill all the time, they have to. Humans are animals and every animal kills. So stop thinking that any destruction of life is evil and also stop thinking that the behavior is an outlier.You also need to understand that white capitalist-pushed industrial farming is its own demon. The violence necessary to push through such ridiculous amounts of meat at a low cost is not one and the same with for instance the quick cut needed to end a cow or chicken for a farming family’s meal.And it’s not fair to lump the two kinds together. It’s just not.Now on the other hand, here’s something I bring up to those open to the discussion: how many animals had to die for you to eat today? Some sausage in the morning, chicken wings for lunch, steak for dinner….that’s a good 5+ animals just to get one human through the day. Is that deserved? Reasonable? Justified? I’m not going to answer that for anyone but I know how I feel about it. It takes a lot more time, energy and resources to grow an entire animal just for it to end up as yet another redundant meal than it does for someone to start supplementing their diet with more potatoes,grains, mushrooms, etc (I don’t use vegan meats as a go-to for reasons lol).Anyway my point is this: if you want to lessen your impact on the world, you can feasibly do that. If you want to not involve yourself with industrialized animal murder, you can feasibly do that. If you want to eat no animal products or byproducts bc it just seems wrong to you, you can feasibly do that. If you don’t think meat is healthy and want to avoid it, you’re demonstrably right and you can feasibly do that.But what you can not do is live a life where you can say that you are cruelty free. You can’t. You cannot live a life where you are factually better and kinder than other people because you alone are untainted by the sin of killing or causing the suffering of another living being. It’s not true and will not in your lifetime ever be. Beyond that, it’s not logical. The west has very strange and complicated stances on death and decay and it would help if we remembered that life and death are inextricably bound together.I’m not saying don’t try. I’m saying inspect your goals.Now, to be more functional here: try telling yourself to only eat meat every otehr day, and cut down on cheese and dairy. It’s possible that after a while, especially with things like milk and cheese, you’ll lose your taste for them to a point where at least you’ll want to consume less of them. You’ll get used to not having meat for every meal or every dinner, and you can stretch these meatless periods out more and more depending on your goal. I currently tend to eat meat only 3 days a week, more if there were leftovers, and cook at home. Soon I’m going to go meatless for 1 then 2 weeks and hopefully later a month. It’s not a question of resisting the taste at this point so much as the nearly inescapable convenience of meat. I personally don’t want to stop being able to digest it for adaptability reasons but I don’t think meat is something that should comprise a huge part of one’s diet. But of course that’s my opinion and this end part is just to give you some food for thought. What works for me might not work for you.
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