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katefiction · 4 years

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One Sweet Day

by katefiction (Maria) / 2014

I had this idea 5 years ago, but not for Will and Kate, just as a random story. It’s nice to have finally written it. I hope you enjoy and let me know if it’s what you expected! ;-)

Maria x

“A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams” – John Barrymore

I am a dying man.

At least, that’s what I’ve been told.

My organs are shutting down, as they have been doing gradually for the past ten years. 84 years is a long time for them to be working away, I don’t blame them for wanting to stop. It’s my heart that’s the biggest trouble maker though. It keeps slowing and refuses to pump the blood around as it should.

It’s the reason why I’m sitting in bed, reading all about my imminent departure from this world in the paper.

The thing about coming to the end of your life is that everyone wants to make you comfortable. They want to wrap you up in bed, as if that will delay the inevitable. It’s the polar opposite of what I want. I want to be seeing all the places I meant to see when I was healthy, and speaking to all the people I kept meaning to stay in touch with. I want to be fixing all the things I messed up.

‘Dad? Can I get you anything?’ My son pops his head around the door and scans me up and down for any sign of distress.

I wave my hand nonchalantly, ‘I haven’t expired yet’ I say a little breathlessly.

‘You’re not funny dad’.

My dad jokes had been thrilling him for 53 years.

‘George, come here, humour your old dad for a few minutes won’t you?’ I put my newspaper down and take off my reading glasses.

He is the spitting image of me, unfortunately. Luckily for him though, the male pattern baldness that has cursed our family for generations skipped him. With a head full of grey hair and at a towering 6ft 5, he cuts quite the dashing figure. Thank God for his mother.

George closes the door behind him and sits down on the chair next to my bed.

‘So what have you been up to today?’ he asks.

‘Let’s see…I woke up, bathed, had breakfast, got back in to bed, had a nap, and now here we are. Living the life, my son’

‘Do you have to be so morose all the time? I’d quite like to remember my father differently’

‘Maybe if my darling children allowed me out of this room from time to time, I would be more chipper’

George squints his eyes, ‘it’s for your own good, you’re not well enough to go gallivanting around’

The door clicks open and we both turn our heads.

‘Hi daddy, how are you today?’ Emma blusters in and kisses both my cheeks.

‘Hello sweetheart’. Despite the fact that Emma is 50, I still see her as my little girl. She still wears her brown hair down to her shoulders, and still flits around ordering everyone around just like she did when she was a child.

‘George and I were just talking about how he’s going to take me to the coast’

Emma sends him a sharp look.

‘No we weren’t!’ George protests.

She softens and starts smoothing down my bed covers, ‘good, we can go for a walk in the grounds if you like’

I grumble. As much as I love Balmoral, and chose it to spend my final days in, there are only so much of its grounds I can see.

‘Oh daddy don’t be like this’, Emma takes my hand.

I sigh, ‘I just don’t see the point of the two of you coming all the way from London if we’re just going to sit here all day, every day’

‘But we want to spend all the time we can with you dad’ George says.

‘You know if mum was here, she’d agree with us’ Emma looks at me with those lovely eyes that are just like her mother’s.

‘You’re mother was a taskmaster’ I laugh.

They glance at each other, clearly pleased to see me laughing.

Emma leans in, ‘how about you tell us about you and mum?’

‘What about us?’ I ask.

‘Oh you know, how you met, why you started dating, everything’

‘I’m sure there’s a book about that somewhere you could read…or twenty’

‘Yes but we want to hear it from you, the real story, don’t we George?’

‘Er…yes’ George says, cottoning on to Emma’s idea to cheer me up.

‘There’s not much to tell, you’ve heard it all before’

‘There must be something we don’t know’

‘Well…I suppose there could be…something you never knew about’

My heart begins to slow. I can feel it sometimes, struggling to push the blood around.

There is an unwritten rule in life that some things should stay private. Especially from your children. But those rules don’t apply on your death bed. I suddenly understand why people feel the need to confess at the end of their lives. Because if you die without ever revealing something, then it’s almost as if it never happened, or it never mattered.

And she mattered.

I rub my chest to get my breath back.

‘Take your time dad, we’re listening’

St Andrews University, 2001

The first time I saw her, she was walking along the landing in our halls of residence, St Salvador’s (or ‘Sallies’), books in her arms and a look of determination on her face.

She’d obviously been walking pretty fast from the library. Her hair was swept around her shoulders and her cheeks and nose pink from the walk. In contrast, I had just woken up and was only just on my way to breakfast.

The first week of my university life had been spent a) hiding in my room, b) hiding in the library in Sallies, c) hiding amongst the friends that I already knew from Eton. I had resolved that I couldn’t spend the rest of the year (or four years) like this and had a new found determination to make more friends. There was no time like the present.

‘Er hi’ I said as she rummaged in her bag for her keys. Her room was across the landing from mine and a few doors down.

She turned to face me, ‘hi’. Her subsequent expression was the same one that I’d seen a thousand times. That sudden registration of who I was. ‘Oh’.

I ploughed on, hoping to break the impending awkwardness, ‘I’m Will’.

I thought I saw a twitch on her lips. She knew my name. I knew she knew my name. ‘Catherine, or Kate, whichever. Nice to meet you’. A crimson blush was creeping up her neck and into her cheeks.

I shuffled my feet, ‘you too…so erm…’

Before I could finish, she cut me off, gesturing to her books, ‘I should really get on’

‘Of course, yeh, see you around!’ I waved my arm in the air, then realised how over the top it was to wave at her across the hallway. I pulled it down self-consciously.

‘Have a good day’, she said and scuttled off into her room.

I blew out my cheeks the second she was out of sight. It was hard enough talking to new people, it was even harder talking to girls.

The dining hall at Sallies wasn’t your average canteen. With its oak panelled walls and stained glass windows, it looked more like an old court room. It certainly felt like one the first few times I’d entered it. Everyone turned from their long benches when I walked in, and gawped as I made my way to the top of the hall, as if I was a guilty man walking. The table my friends and I sat on was next to ‘High table’, which was used for formal dinners with academics every Thursday night. Each student would get a chance to attend one of these dinners during the year. I had been asked on my first week, but declined the invitation, saying I couldn’t make it that night. In truth, I didn’t want to single myself out so early on.

I sat down next to Oliver, who’d become a good friend.

‘Finally!’ he scoffed, stuffing a piece of toast into his mouth. ‘I thought you were never going to emerge from your cave.’

‘My first lecture is at 11, there was no need to get up’, I said, looking over to the queue to the breakfast buffet.

‘There is if you want to get the pick of the good food in the morning.’ He lowered his voice. ‘Plus all the fit girls eat breakfast early’.

I laughed and scanned the room. There were plenty of good looking girls in Sallies. Coming from an all boy’s school, it should’ve been a feast, but I found myself nervous and suspicious of them all.

‘Kate’s late today’, he said looking over to the breakfast queue.

I turned my head. There was the girl I’d just met, plate in hand, standing alone at the back of the queue.

‘I suppose I’d better start queuing before all the food’s gone’ I said, getting up.

Oliver sniggered, ‘convenient’.

‘What? I only just met her like two minutes ago’

‘Better get in quick, all the good ones get taken in the first term’

I’d heard about the feral hormones that raged in first year halls. Relationships were made, one night stands had and the contagious spread of ‘he did, she did’ gossip was hard to avoid. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be involved in that, I was a young man after all. Just that I couldn’t afford to have the whole country hear about my bedroom habits for the sake of one night of sex.

‘Hi again’ I said as I got in the line behind Kate.

‘Oh hi’ she said sheepishly.

‘So, early trip to the library was it?’ I asked.

She moved along, picking up pieces of fruit from the platters. ‘I just wanted to get some of the core reading done before lectures start properly’.

She seemed reluctant to look me in the eye and focussed on choosing her breakfast.

‘That’s smart. What are you doing?’

‘History of Art’

‘Oh really? Me too’

She finally looked at me and smiled. ‘I know, I saw you sleeping under your hat in the introductory lecture’

I laughed, ‘I wasn’t asleep, I was just keeping my head down, there were a lot of people there.’

I don’t know what compelled me to be so honest, but despite her nervousness around me, there was something inherently calming about her.

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realise’ she said, clearly embarrassed.

‘It’s fine, don’t worry. To be honest I didn’t take much of that lecture in’.

We got to the end of the line, both choosing fruit and muesli, and laughed when we looked at each other’s matching plates.

‘Did you want to sit with us? You know Oliver don’t you?’

‘Oh I’m sorry I’m meeting the girls.’ She gestured over to a group of girls who were sitting at a table trying not to look over to us. I recognised a few of them from our floor. ‘But I’ll see you in the lecture later?’

‘Sure, yeah’.

We carried our food to our separate tables and I glanced over to her as we did. Her friends giggled and started interrogating her in hushed tones.

Kate, however, merely shrugged and carried on with her breakfast.

I never did see her in that lecture. Well I saw her, but we didn’t speak. In fact, we didn’t speak for the next two weeks.

Love stories are often made out to be lightning bolt moments. That moment where you see a person for the first time and they change your world instantly. It wasn’t like that for me. I’d had girlfriends before who I’d fancied immediately and followed them around like a lost puppy. With her, it was different. I thought she was attractive, of course. Everyone did. But she wasn’t like other girls. She had an air of quiet confidence as she walked around campus or sat in seminars. Yet it was like she didn’t realise she was special.

It was one Autumn evening that I spoke to her again. I was bent over my desk attempting an essay on renaissance art, clicking my pen on and off as I tried to wrap my head around it.

University wasn’t all I’d hoped it would be. I’d made some good friends and experienced the typical student nightlife, but during the day, I struggled to keep up with the work and dozed off during lectures.

I slammed the book shut and let out a frustrated growl. I had a 10 am deadline and had barely written 100 of the 1000 words required. As it was Tuesday, most of my friends had gone out to take advantage of the half price drinks at Ma Bells and I knew if I didn’t finish this soon, I’d have to do it under the noise and chaos of their return from the bar.

It was then that it occurred to me to try and get some help. I’d seen Kate in lectures scribbling down notes for the whole hour while I played noughts and crosses with course mates. I just prayed she hadn’t gone out.

Stepping across the hall, I gave her door a gentle rap. It took me by surprise when I heard a soft ‘come in’ from the other side.

Opening the door, I found her sitting cross legged on her bed, print outs and notes spread across her duvet, and a highlighter in her hand.

‘Oh hey’ she said, looking slightly taken aback to see it was me.

‘Sorry, am I interrupting? You doing that renaissance essay too?’ I said, suddenly feeling incredibly awkward being in her room.

A student bedroom wasn’t like a regular bedroom. I was a place to sleep, eat, work, stress out and hide away. It was like a whole home rolled into one tiny space. With the exception of my extra security measures, Kate’s bedroom was identical to mine. A single bed took up almost the length of one of the walls, and a desk spanned the back wall, with a single window above it. The room also crammed in a wardrobe and a book shelf. Like everyone else, Kate had decorated her room in her own style. Her walls were covered in photographs of people – presumably family and friends – and scenic views. Other than a few books lying around, it was remarkably clean and tidy; a world away from my pig sty of a bedroom.

‘No no, I finished that a couple of days ago, I’m just reading up for the next lecture’

‘Wow’ I said, shocked at her ability to be so organised.

She lifted an eyebrow at me and smiled, ‘sooo, have you done yours?’

I instantly felt at ease at the slight derisiveness in her tone. ‘See, that’s the thing, I was hoping, if you’re not too busy that is, that you could give me some pointers?’

She immediately piled up her notes and put them to one side, ‘what do you need to know?’

Somehow, Kate knew that by ‘pointers’ I really meant that I needed to know everything we’d been taught in our renaissance module.

After collecting my notes and laptop from my room, I sat down opposite her on her bed and we went through my question, ‘How did Giotto liberate Italian painting from the traditional Byzantine style of the early Middle Ages?’

There were four questions to pick from, and unfortunately she’d chosen a different one from me, yet still knew a remarkable amount about the subject.

‘How do you know all this?’ I said, after she described one of Giotto’s paintings to me.

She blushed, ‘I spent some time in Florence in my gap year – am I being a know-it-all?’

‘Not at all’ I laughed.

As she explained her twelve weeks in Florence to me and pointed out the panoramic views of the city on her wall that she’d taken, I noticed a distinct twinkle in her eye.

‘So what did you spend the rest of your gap year doing?’ I asked, relishing the time not talking about myself.

‘Actually, I went to Chile with Raleigh’ she said reluctantly.

‘No way! So did I! Don’t tell me we went at the same time?!’

Any ideas of doing my essay were quickly thrown out the window as we spent the next half an hour talking about our expeditions in Chile. As it turned out, Kate had been there a few weeks after me, but was well aware I’d been. She just hadn’t wanted to bring it up.

‘We should probably crack on’ she said pointing at my laptop after a long conversation about one of the expedition leaders and his tendency to wear the same socks every day.

‘Yes, right’ I said, clearing my throat. ‘Work…right’. I placed my fingers on the keyboard willing them to type something.

‘Here’, she grabbed a scrap piece of paper, ‘it will help to plan it out’. On it she wrote the essay question and highlighted some of the words in her pink highlighter, drawing lines from each of them.

‘So “Giotto”, who was he and why was he important? Then “Byzantine style”, what was this style? Then “liberate”, how did he liberate it, what did he do?’

I sat watching in awe, ‘you make it look so simple’

‘Once you’ve chopped the question up, it is simple’ she smiled. ‘Do a paragraph for each with a few quotes from the textbooks, plus and introduction and conclusion and you’re done. That’ll be good enough for-‘ she looked at her watch ‘-11 pm the night before’.

‘I should probably know how to write an essay by now, shouldn’t I?’ I said, embarrassed that she had to explain it to me.

‘It’s different to school, you’ll get the hang of it. Besides mine might be a load of rubbish’

‘I doubt that very much, you’re far too prepared with your fancy highlighter’

She giggled, ‘here, have it’. She handed the pink highlighter to me. ‘For good luck’.

I used it so much during that year that I only gave it up when the ink ran so dry that it left barely visible scratchy pink lines across my notes.

That night marked the beginning of our friendship. We began to walk to lectures together and sit together in the lecture hall. She even managed to get me to concentrate on the odd occasion. But even that wasn’t enough for me to enjoy the subject. As the first term drew to a close, I was having serious doubts about the course I’d chosen, and Kate’s obvious enthusiasm for art history only confirmed my thoughts that it wasn’t for me.

Luckily for me, I’d managed to make a tight knit group of friends who I could trust with my indecision. But it was Kate that convinced me to stick with St Andrews and by the time the second term came around, I was a Geography student.

When we returned that January, everything seemed brighter.

‘It was strange not having you in the lecture today’ Kate said one evening as a group of us huddled over bags of fish and chips in the common room.

‘I can’t say I missed it, present company excluded obviously’

She gave me a small smile, but turned away quickly.

Our friendship was easy and natural, but there was still a part of her I felt I didn’t know. She was open when she was with her girlfriends, but when it came to hanging out with the boys, she held back. She was certainly aware of the effect she had on them, with the amount of offers she’d had. I’d heard through the gossip chain that she’d been on a date with an older student named Rupert just before the Christmas break. She hadn’t mentioned it to me or any of the other boys.

‘You coming out on Thursday?’ Fergus asked me. As a friend from Eton, Fergus and I had maintained a close bond.

‘I’m going to dinner at the High table, I should probably accept this time’

‘So come out afterwards, you’ll need to get pissed to wipe the memory of it, trust me’

Kate turned back around ‘you’re going on Thursday too?’

‘Yeah…you as well?’

She nodded and I grinned. Suddenly the prospect of a formal dinner with academics sounded a lot better.

‘Aww look at you two’ Fergus teased.

‘Shut up’ I said chucking a chip at him.

‘Do you want to go down together’. She looked at me uncomfortably and I stumbled. ‘Just so it’s not as awkward walking in I mean’

‘Oh…ok yeah’ she said, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

Next to me Fergus was sniggering childishly.

Looking back, it was obvious what he knew long before I did.

By the time Thursday evening came around, I was back to dreading the dinner. Pulling at my tie, I knocked on Kate’s door.

‘Just a minute!’ she called from inside.

An image flashed through my mind without my consent. One of her getting dressed in her room. In her underwear. I blinked quickly to swat it away.

‘Hey!’ she said, opening the door. For once, her room was a mess, with clothes and shoes all over the floor. ‘You look smart’.

‘I feel like an idiot, but you look erm…’

She was wearing fitted black dress that went down to her knees and had small thin straps. Compared to the student uniform of jeans and a hoodie, it wasn’t what I was used to. Her hair was straighter than usual too, and seemed bouncy and shiny.

Amazing was what I wanted to say, ‘…erm very formal’

She looked down at herself and pursed her lips, ‘is it too formal?’

‘No no no, that’s good! You look good formal, perfect’.

‘Well that’s alright then’ she said, grabbing a shawl from the back of her door.

When we got to the main hall, academics and fellow students were mingling around looking distinctly awkward while clutching onto their drinks.

‘This looks fun’ Kate whispered sarcastically.

I smirked at her, trying not to laugh. I got us both a glass of champagne and shuffled around the room saying hello to everyone.

When it was time to be seated, me and Kate gravitated towards each other and sat on the far end of the long table with an academic either side of us.

The academics made a point to speak to us all at the dinner table in turn.

‘So William, you’ve changed your course to Geography. I trust you’re finding it easier than your last course?’ a tweed clad lecturer asked me.

‘Well it’s only been a few days, but I think it’s a lot more suited to me. I couldn’t get along with history of art’.

‘You do have to have a certain flair for that subject, not everyone has an eye for the nuances of art’, he took a swig of wine.

At university, I’d learned there were two main types of people. Those who wanted to befriend me at any cost, and those who were vocal in their dismissal of me in an attempt to show how much they didn’t care. That academic was in the latter group.

‘Actually William has a great eye’, Kate suddenly said, before he could speak again. ‘But I imagine Geography will be more of a challenge for him intellectually, not less’.

The academic looked slightly put out and I blushed.

‘Well yes I suppose’ he said grudgingly. ‘So you are enjoying the subject?’

Kate nodded enthusiastically, ‘I love it’.

‘What are your plans after university?’

I noticed how he hadn’t asked me that question, no one ever did.

‘Well at the moment I’d just like to get on with my degree, but maybe if I do well, I’d like to go into curating’.

The academic nodded and muttered something about that being the typical route for art history graduates, but I had stopped listening. I was more interested in watching Kate as she smiled politely, listening to the next student speak.

When the dinner was over, we left the hall at the first given opportunity. As we walked back up the stairs to the bedroom, Kate checked her watch. It was already 10 pm.

‘Thanks for sticking up for me in there’.

‘No problem, he was being a bit of an idiot’ she laughed.

‘At least that’s over and done with now’.

‘Yeah’ She seemed in a hurry to get back to her room, where as I was keen to chat to her for longer.

‘Are you coming out now? I’m meeting the others in town’.

She glanced away, ‘Oh. I’ve made other plans’.

It was clear that she didn’t want to divulge what the plans were or who they were with but a sinking feeling in my stomach told me I probably knew.

We said goodnight and I got changed into jeans and a jumper. A few minutes later after texting Fergus to find out where they were, I headed out onto the green lawns of Sallies quadrangle.

Straight ahead of me, walking towards the gate away from the halls, I saw them. Kate was smiling up at Rupert as he talked animatedly, gesturing with his hands. I heard her laugh ring over the quadrangle as she slipped an arm into his and realised that her dress, the hair and everything else was for his benefit. Not for the dinner’s, and certainly not for mine.

My stomach sunk into my feet.

Once I was aware of those feelings, I couldn’t escape them. Every little thing she did made me like her more. The way she got up early to go swimming even when she’d had a late night. When she was so raging drunk that she had to be carried into bed. The way she was so into her studies that even when we all teased her, she still worked harder than all of us combined. And how she would do anything to stop me winning in our tennis matches.

Rupert had become a regular feature at Sallies, and I had gotten used to seeing him around. Not that I was particularly happy about it.

One night after a bar crawl, we were all stumbling to our corridor and Kate was attempting to drag him to her room.

‘I have to go, or I’ll miss my study group in the morning’ he told her.

‘Please please please’ she said, locking her arms around his neck. He held onto her waist to keep her standing.

‘I’ll text you tomorrow’, he seemed completely sober compared to her.

She pouted her bottom lip and attempted to kiss him.

‘Let’s get you to bed’ he said, and wrenched her arms apart.

I hung around in the corridor for the next twenty minutes, where my friends were congregating with pieces of jam and toast to help sober them up.

Rupert came out of Kate’s room not long after and trotted down the stairs without so much as a goodbye.

‘What a dick’ I slurred to no one in particular.

‘Who?’ Fergus said.

‘That bloody Rupert the Bear’.

Fergus laughed, ‘he’s an alright bloke’.

‘No. No.’ I waved my arms around aimlessly. ‘An alright bloke doesn’t say no to her’.

Fergus’ eyes lit up mischievously ‘I fucking knew it!’

‘What? No. It’s not like that. Don’t be a dick’.

He patted me on the back sympathetically, ‘plenty more fish’.

I slumped against the wall. ‘Yeh but but she’s not a fish though’.

‘No, you’re right, gotta respect women – she’s a woman, NOT a fish’.

To my mind the words coming out of my mouth were perfectly sensible, ‘she’s not just a fish, she’s a dolphin, like a really pretty dolphin’.

Fergus nodded gormlessly, ‘right, yeh a dolphin’.

It was when Fergus started making a squeaky dolphin call that I knew it was time to go to bed.

I was more than relieved to break up for Easter if only to get away from Fergus making dolphin noises whenever Kate was around.

That April, the trees started blooming in the quadrangle and I was happily settled at St Andrews, and doing a course I enjoyed.

For all of us at Sallies, thoughts had begun to move to what was going to happen next year. For me, it was harder than most, I not only had to find people to live with, but those people had to be ones I trusted. On the first day back after Easter, Fergus, Kate, and her friend Olivia came to me with a proposition.

‘We’ve been talking’ Fergus began. ‘You and I decided we wanted to live together next year right?’

‘Yehhh’

‘And Olivia and I want to live together’ Kate continued.

‘Okay’ I said.

‘So how about we all move in together’ Olivia concluded.

The idea of living with Kate next year had never really crossed my mind. In fact I’d worried that I wasn’t going to see her at all next year.

‘Are you sure you want to live with boys?’ was my first reaction.

Kate laughed. ‘To be honest Will, I think we’ve all left it a bit late. We should’ve started looking in February. I think we’re each other’s best options right now’.

‘I suppose…as long as you’re all comfortable with it’ I was speaking collectively but only looking at Kate.

They all nodded and so it was decided. Within the week, Kate and Olivia had found a little house in Hope Street for us to move into. Once my security had made its checks and plans, the contracts were sent to Kate.

One evening, she came to my room, contract in hand. My room looked like a bomb had hit it and I swept around picking up dirty underwear and socks from the floor. She’d only been to my room a number of times during the year as I tended not to invite anyone in.

‘I hope you’re going to be tidier in the new house’ she joked as I tripped over my desk chair in an attempt to hide the two week old pizza box on my TV.

‘Course, it’s just revision time, you know?’

She tilted her head to one side, ‘I’m joking Will. Though you are a slob’

‘Oh. Yeah I knew that’.

She handed me my contract and made to leave.

‘Is there anything I need to look out for in the contract?’ I asked in a vain attempt to keep her there.

‘Just what you’d expect. If you paint a wall, paint it back when you leave. No pets. Pay for anything you break, that sort of thing.’

‘What about guests staying over?’ I said, my mind formulating a way to ask about Rupert.

‘I think it’s ok as long as they don’t end up living there’

‘Right yeah, so, um, does Rupert mind you living with two guys’. Evidently my attempt to be subtle failed.

Kate blushed and started adjusting her hair, which was in a high bun. ‘We’re not seeing each other anymore’.

If I could’ve floated up to the ceiling I would’ve.

‘Since when?’ I said, trying to sound casual.

‘Oh just before Easter’

‘Sorry’

‘It’s fine. Anyway I better get on’. She said it so quickly that I didn’t get a chance to ask her what happened.

I regarded Kate as one of my closest university friends and yet I couldn’t help feeling a little deflated that she hadn’t already entrusted that information to me. We talked about almost everything together. She teased me when I was being stupid, calmed me down when I was pissed off, and guided me when I was feeling a bit lost. There was still or door that wasn’t open to me, and I knew if I didn’t act soon I would never be let in.

Kate now being free and single had a strange effect on me. I was jubilant and yet still reluctant to do anything other than admire her from afar. As far as I could tell, she had no idea how I felt and no feelings for me in return. We continued to hang out as normal in our group, until one night, Olivia and her loose lips changed everything.

It was a raucous post-exam blow out in June and seemed like the whole of Sallies had come out on the quad to celebrate the end of the first year. Streamers, foam and toilet roll covered the trees and grass. Stereos were placed in about ten different windows causing a mass of different music to bounce of the buildings. Alcohol was in plentiful supply and we had a variety of bottles scattered on our section of grass.

Kate and her girlfriends were sat under one of the trees chatting and giggling. I watched as a couple of them got up, leaving just Kate and Olivia hidden by the tree’s canopy of branches.

‘Hi’ I said, walking over and hovering over them awkwardly.

‘Hello’ Kate said and patted the ground next to her, ‘sit’.

I sat down and helped myself to some wine. ‘Having fun?’

‘Yes, apart from we keep getting deserted so those two can go and flirt with the fourth floor lads’ Olivia said.

I looked over to where their two friends were play fighting with some boys over a bowl full of pink liquid that was apparently a cocktail.

‘Do you not fancy some of that fluorescent drink?’ I said to Kate.

‘No thank you!’ she winced.

‘Because you’re a lightweight?’

‘I’m not a lightweight, it just looks disgusting’

I smirked at her as a reminder of the time I had to take her home at 11pm after she had mixed her drinks.

She pulled up a bit of grass and threw it at me, ‘shut up’

‘I don’t believe I said anything’ I laughed.

‘You don’t have to say anything. Your face is annoying’

I spluttered into my wine, ‘my face is annoying?’

‘Yes – you have a smug face’ she clarified.

‘That’s mean. I think I might need to rethink moving in with you’

‘Good’

‘Great’ I threw a wine cork at her and it bounced off her knee.

‘You’re such a child’ she laughed.

‘You started it’ I pulled up some grass and sprinkled it in her hair.

‘That went in my wine!’ she squeaked.

‘As fun as this is, I think I might go mingle’, Olivia stood up abruptly.

I’d forgotten she was even there.

‘Sorry Liv! It’s Will’s fault, stay please’ Kate gave her a winning smile.

‘I think Will would rather have you to himself’ she said, not unkindly.

Kate stopped her protests and went bright red. The smile was wiped off my face too and I stared into my glass.

‘Ooookay, I’ll leave you two to it’ Olivia escaped, looking amused.

We sat quietly until I could think of something to say. I hadn’t realised that Olivia knew how I felt about Kate. In hindsight, it was obvious. The way I buzzed around her. The way she was the only person who I’d get up for to go for an early swim with. The fact that she was the only girl I complimented on nights out.

‘We can swop wines…if yours has grass in it’ I offered wetly.

‘It’s only a couple of blades’ she smiled, but wouldn’t look at me.

Now was my opportunity and I knew it.

‘So that was awkward’

‘Liv can be a bit funny when she’s been drinking’, she said, consciously pulling down the denim skirt she was wearing.

Around us, bodies were falling over and entwining with each other in a messy display of alcohol fuelled passion. I looked at her, wishing I could be that uninhibited at that moment.

‘I don’t mind being alone with you’ I said abruptly.

‘Yeah, it’s fine’ she said, looking around the quad.

‘I mean, I like being alone with you’.

She looked at me, her cheeks turning slightly red to match the colour her lips had become from the wine.

‘I think you’re really cool’ I continued, cringing at my every word. She knew what I was trying to say but wouldn’t take the bait.

‘Thanks’ she said quietly.

‘Do you think that maybe when we get back next semester…I could take you out or something?’

She finally stopped staring into her glass and looked up at me.

I wanted the ground to swallow me up. The look of sympathy on her face was excruciating.

‘I’m really flattered, but um, sorry, but no’

‘No?’

‘I think you’re lovely Will, I really do, but not in that way.’

‘Is it Rupert?’ I asked out of nowhere.

She seemed taken aback, ‘no of course not’

‘Why did you two break up?’ Since I’d already humiliated myself I had nothing to lose.

‘Because he was too busy with uni stuff … it’s not really important though’

I fired off another question, ‘you seemed to really like him’

‘Well yes…but I think I went out with him out of being homesick more than anything. Anyway –‘ she said before I could ask anything more about Rupert. ‘ – I am sorry, I didn’t know that you liked me’

I fidgeted with my glass, ‘I kind of thought you might like me a little bit’

Her body stiffened in surprise, ‘why?’

‘Just how you kind of look away when we’re talking sometimes’

There was that look of sympathy again. ‘I did that because I didn’t want you to think I was flirting. I know how much hassle you get from girls and I really didn’t want you to think I was one of them’

I nodded slowly, ‘well this is embarrassing’.

She put her hand on my knee which didn’t help the situation, ‘let’s just forget about it, I won’t tell anyone’.

‘I think everyone already knows’, I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. ‘Anyway I’m gonna go chat to the boys’.

‘I’m sorry’ she said again as I got up.

‘It’s fine’, I lied.

Summer was a welcome break after Kate’s rejection. I spent time at Highgrove and in London, as well as on the polo field. Female company was plentiful, but even when a girl was laughing at my jokes and obviously flirting with me, I couldn’t get Kate out of my head.

She didn’t even have to try to make me like her. She had an ease about her that made me feel at home whenever she was around and I missed that. I had invited all my university friends to Highgrove, but Kate had declined, sending me a simple text to say she was going on holiday.

When we got back to St Andrews in the Autumn, I had no idea how I was going to be around her.

Arriving to our house in Hope Street, I found my housemates in the living room deciding on the position of the television.

‘Finally!’ Fergus said as I walked in. He came over to give me a welcome whack on the back.

Olivia queued behind him and gave me a hug as she said hello. When I got to Kate, she gave me a loose hug with her head turned in the other direction.

‘Good to see you’ she said as she pulled away.

That evening, Kate and Olivia went out to get some Chinese food as Fergus and I stayed in to cart the girls’ boxes up the stairs.

‘What is going on with you two?’ Fergus said as I passed him on the landing.

‘Who?’

‘You and Mother Teresa, who’d you think?’

‘Nothing’ I said shortly, dropping a box of shoes into Olivia’s room.

‘Bullshit. You’ve been avoiding her all day. Spill’, he leant against the bannister.

‘I asked her out alright? And she said no’

Fergus was a hawk when it came to gossip and his face opened up like an excited child, ‘when?’

‘Before the break. Now can you hurry up and get those other boxes’. I was irritable but he knew my breaking point and I was nowhere near it yet.

‘What was her reason?’

‘She doesn’t fancy me, what else’

‘Urgh. So that’s it, you’re not speaking to her now?’

‘I am speaking to her, but I’d rather avoid humiliating myself again’

He ran down the stairs and ran back up with Kate’s radio, ‘oh come on, you two have so much in common’

‘Thanks genius’ I said sarcastically.

‘So why have you given up so easily?’

‘Did you not hear what I just said?’ I ran back down the stairs to pick up another of Olivia’s boxes. I was leaving all Kate’s stuff for Fergus.

‘Oh come on Willy, if at first you don’t succeed…’ he grinned like the Cheshire cat.

‘I’m not trying again!’

‘Mate, stop being a wimp, you said it yourself, you humiliated yourself, you can’t go any lower than that!’

In a twisted way, what he was saying made sense. Kate knew how I felt now, I’d already done the hard bit.

Fergus winked at me conspiratorially. ‘She might’ve changed her mind over the summer, you never know’.

Kate hadn’t changed her mind, I found out the next day.

She’d asked me to go on a long walk with her to clear the air. As we walked up the hills of Fife, she spent ten minutes telling me how nice I was and how sorry she was about how insensitively she’d reacted.

‘So there’s no chance you’d want to go on a date then?’ I said with my new found realisation that I had nothing to lose.

The hair was whipping her hair all over her face and she pulled it back, ‘no, but I love you as a friend, I really do!’

‘Thing is Kate, we have a lot in common, don’t you think it’d be a shame not to try?’

She looked a little surprised but kept her trademark composure, ‘I don’t want to lead you on’.

‘You wouldn’t be because I know how you feel – or don’t feel’ I offered.

She tucked some strands behind her ear which immediately became loose. ‘We have to live together, let’s not ruin that’.

‘If it doesn’t work out, that’s fine’ I said.

She looked at me through her dark lashes, ‘I’m sorry’, she said, cutting the conversation short.

I was beginning to hate the sound of that word.

The thing about Kate was that she was extremely popular with the boys. When we went out she would get multiple offers, and said no to all of them.

On the week we came back to university, a large group of us met at Ma Bells for a bar crawl. Kate was wearing jeans and a strappy black top, with her trademark hair curling down her back. I did my best not to stare at her.

The place was packed, full of freshers who were already half cut. As we stood at the bar attempting to buy some drinks, one of the drunken guys clambered up to Kate.

‘Can I get you a drink?’ he said, his glass of beer splashing over his hand.

‘No thank you’ she said and turned her gaze back to the bar.

‘Come oooon. It’s a free drink!’ he placed his arm around her waist and she shrugged him off.

‘I said no’ she said, more sternly this time. ‘Please don’t touch me’.

‘Whatever Morticia’ as he walked away, his hand grazed along her bum.

She turned and tried to slap his hand away but missed. He laughed in her face and carried on walking.

My heart pounded with anger and I pushed myself off the bar with the intention of grabbing him by the shoulder and forcing him to apologise.

A warm hand landed on my forearm and stopped me before I could get anywhere near him.

‘Leave it. Please’ she said.

‘He’s a…’ I started.

‘A caveman, I know. But you don’t need to be in the papers for having a bar fight. At least not in the first week back’. Despite the noise in the room, her voice was gentle. ‘I appreciate it though, thank you’.

I held onto her green eyes for a fraction longer than I should’ve before nodding.

That night taught me two things. One. That Kate wasn’t just a friend. She was a best friend who would protect my reputation above herself. Two. That every other guy in St Andrews would never treat her as well as I would.

And I was determined to prove it.

The following day I asked Kate on a date again. She said no.

And so on the following day I asked her once more. She said, regretfully, no again.

A week on I found an advert in a newspaper for an opera that was coming to Fife. I knew she liked opera, so tore it out and scribbled ‘you and me?’ on it. I slipped it under her door one evening. In the morning I found it on the floor next to my door with ‘You, me, Fergus and Liv?’ written on it with a smiley face.

We went back and forth like that for weeks, with her saying no in the most polite way she could to every idea I had. But even she had a limit to her patience.

By the end of October, and on average, after five requests for a date every week for a month, Kate had stopped being so gracious and had stopped apologising for rejecting me. Instead she’d reply to my texts with You know this is classed as harassment, don’t you? or No thanks stalker.

I liked it better that way.

Late one evening I lay in bed unable to sleep and shot her a text.

You awake?

A reply came a few seconds later.

Yes.

What you doing?

Reading.

Can I come and read with you?

No you can’t.

Liv and Fergus won’t hear.

No.

There’s an old book store in town, it sells antique books and stuff.

I know, I keep meaning to visit that place.

Shall we go together?

In a purely platonic way, then yes.

Great, I love books.

Course you do.

I do!

I don’t think I’ve seen you reading for pleasure in the whole time I’ve known you.

I do it in secret. I’m quite brooding and mysterious like that.

LOL.

Why is that funny?

Go to sleep William.

That weekend the two of us visited the book store, Bouquiniste in town. It was a cold October day and Kate was wrapped up in a big coat and red scarf. I teased her about overdoing the winter gear but resisted the urge to tell her she actually looked quite cute.

Bouquiniste was shabby from the outside with a worn out sign and books covering the windows. When we got inside, it was as dark and dusty as expected, but Kate seemed to love it.

The shop keeper gave us a quick hello from behind the counter and carried on reading her book. For a small shop, it crammed a lot in to its three aisles that spanned the width of the space. After walking down each aisle, we ended up at the back of the shop in the classics section.

‘Oooh Emma!’ Kate whispered.

I turned around looking for the source of Kate’s excitement, ‘who?’

She laughed quietly. ‘Emma…you know the book?’

I looked at her blankly.

‘Jane Austen?’ she added.

‘I know who that is!’ I said triumphantly.

She rolled her eyes, ‘Emma is one of her books. It’s my favourite Austen. And this copy is Victorian, isn’t it gorgeous?’

She handed me the book which was slightly tattered and covered in a deep red patterned leather jacket.

I sniffed it and coughed, ‘it’s a bit musty. Is it a first edition?’

‘William!’ she said in scandalised hushed tones. ‘Jane Austen was not from the Victorian era, honestly, you have so much to learn’.

‘Maybe I could have a private Austen lesson from you?’

She rolled her eyes again and put the book back carefully.

‘Is that a yes?’ I asked as we moved along the shelves.

‘You know it’s not a yes’, she said trying to hide a smile.

‘I don’t know why you’re being so stubborn about this’ I said, pretending to look at an old art book on the shelf.

‘I don’t know why you’re being so persistent’ she said in return.

‘I thought that was obvious actually’ I laughed drily.

She shook her head and turned away.

‘It would be so much easier if you just said yes you know’

‘Or you could just stop asking me’

‘Am I really that repulsive?’ I looked at her, pretending to be sad and she hit me lightly on the shoulder.

‘I’m not looking for anything like that from anyone right now’

‘So we can just go on a date! I’m not asking you to marry me’ I realised that I was acting like an annoying child, but it seemed to be working.

‘You don’t give up do you?’

I grinned widely. ‘How about this. You let me take you out on one date, and by the end, if you’re still not interested, I’ll admit defeat. I won’t ask you out ever again.’

I watched her as she mulled it over, scanning my face with her curious green eyes.

‘It’s going to be a long couple of years otherwise’ I added for good measure.

‘Alright fine!’

‘Really?!’ I don’t know who was more surprised, her or me.

‘Yes, but you have to promise you’ll stop after the date. And it’s only one date’ she said, pointing at me like I was a naughty child.

‘I promise. You never know, you might come back for more’

‘Shut up’ she laughed. ‘We’ll never get your head back through the door at this rate’.

All my intentions of knuckling down to study that week were quickly forgotten. We had set a date for the following Friday which gave me a few days to prepare.

Unfortunately for me – and for Kate – going on a date to a restaurant wasn’t realistic for me and so I had to be a little more inventive. There came the benefit of being friends; I knew what she liked and didn’t like and could create a date purely aimed for her.

By the time Friday rolled around, all I had told Kate was that she needed to wrap up warm and wear some walking shoes.

‘So where are we going?’ she asked, eyeing up the big backpack I was wearing as we got into my car.

‘You’ll have to wait and see’ I smiled as I put the bag in the boot.

‘I’m guessing we’re going on a hike? That or we’re leaving the country, what on earth is in that bag?’ she asked.

‘So many questions! Just enjoy the drive’ I started the ignition and made my way out of St Andrews.

The entire duration of our twenty minute drive was spent with Kate interrogating me about our destination. Unfortunately, she was astute enough to realise we were driving to the coast and that we’d be going hill walking when we got there.

‘Eleven o’ clock is quite early for a date, you know?’ she said as we approached Anstruther.

‘Hey, you said we could go on one date, you didn’t specify any time limit! I’m taking advantage of the opportunity’. I glanced in her direction and was pleased to see she was smiling.

I parked up on a scenic spot on the sea front and we headed out on the coastal trail.

‘Do you want me to carry any of that? I feel kind of bad that I’m not carrying anything’ Kate asked, looking at the backpack again.

‘I’ve got it thanks. And if that’s your way of finding out what’s in here, then try harder’

She narrowed her eyes at me and gave up.

Over the next hour we wove our way around the coast line of the small fishing village of Anstruther. Avoiding the harbour with its shops and cafes, we kept to the walking trail which was flat, but slightly rocky at times. Nevertheless, it was away from the main part of the village, which was exactly what I wanted.

The two of us chatted easily as we walked about the village, university and home. Truth be told, I hadn’t planned the conversations out like I had everything else and the line between a date and two friends going for a walk was blurry.

‘So, you still thinking of curating after uni?’ I asked, trying to steer the date into less familiar territory.

‘I think so’ she said, kicking some stones along the shore as she went. ‘I’d love to work with art every day. You know, set up exhibitions, get people engaged with it and stuff. I think it can come across kind of stuffy and pretentious’.

‘You’re telling me!’ I scoffed.

‘Will…why did you even take History of Art? I’ve kind of always wondered’

‘Because I didn’t know what else would be…useful. For my future, I mean’, I flinched thinking about the tense conversation I had with my father when I decided to drop the course.

‘It just seems so unsuited to you now, sometimes I can’t believe you even took it’, she looked up and smiled at me sweetly.

‘I know I know. At least I fixed it before it was too late’.

She hesitated for a moment and then carried on talking, ‘what do you think you’ll do after uni?’

How refreshing it was to have someone ask me that, and how happy I was that it was her asking.

‘Go into the army I suppose. Until…until I can’t anymore’. I stopped short. I hated thinking about my life after university.

‘What would you like to do, if things were different?’ she asked softly.

‘You mean if I were normal?’ I said sarcastically.

‘No’ she said plainly. ‘I mean if your life was normal. You’re already pretty normal from where I’m standing’

I held back on grinning like an idiot and concentrated on answering the question, ‘I’d want to do something that was making a difference, something with conservation in Africa if I could, or a paramedic even’

‘Those are two pretty different jobs’ she laughed.

‘You know what I’m getting at though…don’t you?’

‘I do’, she said placing her hand on my arm. For a moment I thought she was going to hook it in the crook of my arm like she did with Rupert. ‘You want to be able to make use of yourself for the greater good, that’s pretty cool’.

‘Shame I won’t get the chance’ I said, raising my eyebrows.

‘What do you mean?’ she said, suddenly animated. ‘You’re going to have an amazing opportunity to be a voice for all of this stuff’

‘I’d like to be more than a voice’ I said resentfully.

‘Oh Will, stop!’

She meant it metaphorically, but I did so physically, halting on the shore. She did the same and turned to me.

‘I know your future is really scary – God knows I couldn’t do it – but you have the biggest platform anyone could hope for. You’re going to be able to give all of the things a step up. So maybe you won’t be able to work with the animals in Africa, but you’ll be able to tell the WHOLE WORLD about it and they’ll listen!’

She gesticulated wildly with her hands.

‘You really think people will listen to me?’ I said cynically.

‘Well not at the moment no. Maybe when you grow up a bit though’. She shrugged and began climbing some rocks.

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ I called to her, clambering behind.

She turned and grinned wickedly at me.

‘Are you just trying to wind me up?’ I said, exasperated.

‘Maybe – or maybe I’m just trying to show you the positive’. She plopped herself down onto a rock. ‘I’m kind of hungry’.

‘You don’t take any bullshit, do you’ I said, sitting next to her.

‘Not really’ she leant her head on her knees. ‘Does it make you like me less?’

‘Nope. More.’

Kate was delighted to find that some of the items in my bag were two bowls, two spoons, some bread, and a thermal flask full of tomato soup.

‘Did you make that?’ she asked as I poured a generous portion into her bowl.

‘What do you think?’

‘You never know!’ she laughed.

‘I didn’t have time to take cooking lessons this week, otherwise I would’ve’.

She patted my knee, ‘this is fine’.

‘Maybe on our next date I’ll cook for you’ I sniggered, but she merely looked at me sideways while she ate a piece of bread.

When lunch was done with, I slipped a baseball cap on to disguise myself and we wondered back into the village to have a look around. It was a fairly cold November day and it almost felt like we had the place to ourselves.

‘So is this a good date so far?’ I asked her.

‘Pretty good, yes’.

‘The best you’ve ever been on?’ I ventured.

‘Ask me when it’s over’ she laughed.

There wasn’t a lot to see in the village other than a few shops so we decided to go into the most touristy shop we could find.

The shop was covered in tartan paraphernalia, from bags to hats and umbrellas.

‘I should get that for my brother’ I joked, pointing at a tartan hat that had long ginger hair attached to it.

Kate laughed and browsed through a rack of cheap kilts, ‘you should wear one of these’.

‘I don’t think I’ve got the legs’.

‘Course you have, every man looks good in a kilt’, she held a pink and green one up to my waist.

I took a step towards her, ‘even me?’

I thought I saw her blush and she put the kilt down, ‘even you’.

After walking around the shop, we ended up at the confectionary counter where they were selling local sweets and fudge.

‘That looks yummy’ Kate said, and she bent down to survey the different flavours, ‘shall we get some for the house?’

We chose a selection of clotted cream, strawberry and vanilla and I insisted on paying for it as Kate looked at the boiled sweets.

When we left the shop, I handed her a small paper bag of fudge.

‘Are we going to eat it all before we get home?’

‘No, this one is just for you’

She opened it to find chunky cubes of chocolate and mint fudge. ‘How did you know I like chocolate and mint?’ she asked, beaming.

‘I pay attention to you’

‘Oh. Well thank you, that’s very sweet of you’, she handed me a piece and we went back to find a secluded area on the shore to sit.

For the next couple of hours, we simply sat and talked while polishing off the bag of fudge. We talked about our families and the weird traditions we had at Christmas. I laughed at the thought of her father dressed up in various costumes as their Christmas day tradition. Kate laughed as I described some of the gifts my brother and I had bought my grandmother over the years.

We talked about children – Kate wanted three, and I wanted two.

We even talked about exes, and why they were exes.

‘You know you’re very dear to me, don’t you?’ she said after we discussed which exes we were still friends with.

‘But not in a “you’re hot” way?’

She rested her head on my shoulder, ‘in a “you’re an awesome friend and always will be” kind of way’.

‘I suppose I’ll take that’ I leant my cheek against the top of her head.

For all my trying, a second date wasn’t looking hopeful. Yet being in her company, separated from everyone else was enough in that moment.

‘Are you ready for dinner?’ I said after a few moments, noticing she was closing her eyes.

The sun was beginning to set and it was going to get pretty cold, despite it only being five o’ clock.

She popped her head up, ‘there’s dinner too?’

‘I told you I was taking advantage of the time with you didn’t I?’ I stood up and reached out to pull her up.

We walked up to the harbour again and found the place I’d looked up online.

‘Ansthruser Fish Bar’ she said, ‘are we having fish and chips?!’

‘We are, if that’s ok with you? This place is award winning apparently’

‘I love fish and chips!’ she said as if she wasn’t expecting a fish and chip shop in a fishing village.

‘I know Kate’.

When we got back to our spot, the tide had stared to roll in, so we placed ourselves on a grassy bank higher up.

‘Hold on’ I said as Kate began to sit down.

I opened up my bag and pulled out a picnic blanket and three candles that I’d stolen from next to our bath.

‘Are those Liv’s candles?’ Kate laughed.

‘She won’t miss them’. I placed them in a line along the blanket and lit them all with a lighter.

‘You thought of everything didn’t you?’ she said as she sat down and carefully unwrapped the fish and chips.

‘This is my attempt at romance’. I pulled out a bottle of red wine from the bag and two plastic glasses.

She laughed when she saw it and remarked that I was like Mary Poppins.

As the dusk settled, we ate our dinner in a comfortable silence. When Kate pulled her sleeves down to cover her cold hands, I dug around my bag to find the blanket I’d packed for that very possibility.

I placed it on her lap and she let out a quiet ‘oh’ of surprise.

‘Have you had a good day?’ I said slightly out of sorts. She was looking at me in a very odd way.

‘It’s been lovely Will, really’.

We sat looking at each other for a moment as I thought of something clever to say. She really was very pretty.

‘The candle’

‘What?’ I said, breaking the moment.

‘The candle!’ she launched up, throwing everything off her.

One of the candles was lying on its side having fallen over. It was quickly catching onto the threads of the picnic blanket.

Kate acted immediately, stomping on the small fire until it was extinguished.

‘Well that was a disastrous end!’ I said blowing out the other ones.

‘It was an eventful end.’ She laughed. ‘And in answer to your question before, I suppose, yes it is.’

It took me some time to figure out what she had meant by that statement. I ploughed through our conversations from the date, until, finally I accepted that she meant that it was the best date she’d been on. I tried not to look too much into it. Kate had made it clear that she only liked me as a friend and I had accepted it.

I kept to my promise and didn’t ask her out again, but couldn’t help flirting with her in the week that followed our date. I was pushing my luck, I knew, but to my surprise, she didn’t resist as much as she had before. When I complimented her, she no longer accused me of trying to woo her. And when I held onto her waist as I squeezed past her in our small kitchen, she didn’t seem to mind. She even let me monopolise her time when we went out, as we danced until the early hours.

On one particular Friday, the four of us staggered back into the house at four am.

‘It’s freezing!’ Olivia squealed, throwing her bag on the couch. ‘I’m putting the heating on’

‘The radiators need bleeding, it’s not going to make much of a difference’ Kate said, kicking her heels off.

‘Why haven’t you boys done anything about it!’ Olivia shouted from the kitchen, where she was attempting to work out the central heating switch.

‘Why should we do it?!’ Fergus said, collapsed on the floor.

‘That’s very sexist Liv’ I laughed.

She popped her head around the kitchen doorway, ‘just because you don’t know how to do it’

‘Course I do!’

Kate laughed quietly and I immediately felt the need to prove myself. Most people assumed that I was useless around the house, and for the most part they were right. I couldn’t cook, hated cleaning and Kate had to teach me how to use a washing machine. But I was resourceful.

‘What you laughing at?’ I said, poking her in ribs.

‘Nothing’ she said, slapping my finger away.

‘Fine, I’ll do yours first!’ I grabbed radiator key from under the sink and legged it up the stairs and into her room.

The three of them ran after me and watched as I knelt down next to her radiator. I slotted the key onto the screw and attempted to turn it.

‘Erm do you know what you’re doing?’ Fergus asked from the doorway.

‘Yeh!’ I said slightly too loudly as I struggled to turn the key, ‘the air just needs to come out’

After a minute of me struggling with it, Fergus and Olivia gave up on me and left to go to bed. Kate stood behind me looking concerned.

‘It’s fine Wi –‘ she began just as I wrenched the screw.

‘ARGH!’. Boiling hot water came spilling from the side of the radiator and onto my hand. ‘FUCKING HELL!’

The pain seared across my hand and I shook it manically. ‘GOD THAT HURTS!’

Kate ran out of the room and was back within seconds with a bowl of cool water and a flannel. ‘Come here’, she ordered.

I sat on the edge of her bed and she dipped the flannel in the water and squeezed the water over the back of my hand. She continued to do it in silence, dousing my hand with the water.

‘Maybe you shouldn’t have done that with the central heating on’ she said.

‘Sorry’ I mumbled.

‘It’s ok’ she gave the top of my hand a little stroke.

‘You know, you’ll make a good wife to someone one day’ I said. ‘Though not to me’

She smiled, ‘well you’ll make a good husband too. When you learn how to do manly things around the house’

‘And maybe I should work on my first dates too’

‘Your first date skills are fine’

‘Because it was your best date ever?’

‘Well yes’ she said, focusing on my hand.

‘But not good enough for another one?’

Kate bit her lip and avoided making eye contact with me, ‘mmm’.

‘Mmm? What does that mean?’

‘Nothing…’ I could almost see the cogs turning in her head. ‘I just wouldn’t mind if there was another one’.

I stopped short and gaped at her. ‘Are you serious?’

She said nothing but her cheeks were turning pink.

‘You want to go out with me again?’

‘Maybe’

‘Maybe? MAYBE?!’ I roared with laughter.

‘Shhhh!’

Suddenly the pain in my hand disappeared. ‘I can’t believe after all that, you ACTUALLY want to go out with me. I thought you weren’t interested?’

‘I changed my mind’ she said.

‘Why?’. The grin was plastered onto my face.

‘Because you’re sweet…and you take notice of things. And you’re persistent’

‘I thought that annoyed you?’

‘It did. It does’ she laughed. ‘But it was also quite nice in a way’

‘Do you fancy me Kate?’ I challenged, because I wanted to hear her say it.

She rolled her eyes, so I poked her in the ribs again with my good hand.

‘Do you do you do you?’ I continued poking until she physically had to push me away.

‘Yes! Ok? Yes’.

That night marked the beginning of our relationship. The friendship that we’d carved over the past year had given us the foundation for what would become some of the happiest years of my life. But even stuck in our little bubble of St Andrews, I was determined to protect her from everything that came from being my girlfriend.

For the first few months, we’d go out with friends in tow. At the cinema, we would all go in huddled together, but once inside the room, Kate and I would sit at the end of the row discreetly holding hands in the dark.

It wasn’t so easy to be affectionate elsewhere, but we made do with friendly cuddles and a kiss on the cheek when we met for coffee after lectures.

Our first kiss didn’t need to be so discreet. We had stayed in one evening in early December while Olivia and Fergus took advantage of the cheap pre-Christmas drink deals at Ma Bells. We were grateful for the time alone that had so far been confined to one of our bedrooms with our housemates wolf whistling through the door.

Kate had taken over the spaghetti bolognaise that I had attempted for our fourth date, and was gently stirring the mince in a new pan as I scraped the burnt remains off the first one in the sink.

‘Leave it to soak, it will come off easier later’, she said, a hint of amusement in her voice.

I threw the scourer onto the draining board, filled the pan with water and huffed.

‘It might need a squirt of Fairy Liquid too’ she said carefully.

I grabbed the washing up liquid and squirted a generous amount into the water without saying a word.

‘There’s no need to sulk’ Kate giggled.

‘I’m not sulking, I’m just pissed off it went wrong AGAIN’, I glared at the floor, thinking of the two other dinners I’d ruined recently.

‘To be fair, you were just not concentrating, it would’ve been ok if you kept stirring it’

‘Yeah well I got distracted’ I said.

‘By what?’

‘By looking at you’

‘Oh so it’s my fault now is it?!’, she carried on stirring with one hand, but used the other to smack me with a tea towel.

‘Yes, I was deep in thought’

‘About what…or do I not want to know?’

‘About how I’d like to kiss you but I don’t know if you want to kiss me’

She stopped stirring and a smile crept across her mouth, ‘why don’t you try and find out’

Heart thumping, I walked over to her and leant down. She didn’t look up from the cooker until I’d given her a peck on the lips. When I did it again, she responded, settling her face into mine. Her lips were as soft as I’d imagined and her scent was one that I only could identify when I got that close to her. Raspberries.

I removed her hand from where it was clasped around the wooden spoon and locked my fingers into hers.

It was as if everything had slotted neatly into place.

Our relationship wasn’t one of huge public displays of affection or massive passionate breaks ups and make ups. It was a deep and comfortable connection that no one could rival.

She was the person I could talk to about anything, knowing that she would understand my need to go over things over and over again. She was patient and kind, but was never shy in putting me in my place.

Falling in love with her had crept up on me.

In our third year, we had move out of Hope Street and into a more remote cottage just out of town. It gave us the opportunity to take long walks in the countryside, spending hours talking until it got dark. The realisation that I loved her came after one of these walks when Kate was curled up in my bed having fallen asleep while we were watching a film.

Her hair was fanned across the pillow and her fingers were curling in and out of her palm. I wondered what she was dreaming about. I suddenly realised that I wanted it to be like that for the rest of my life. I wanted to see her every morning and talk about what we’d dreamed about the night before. I wanted her to fall asleep next to me every day and subconsciously nestle into my side like she often did in the middle of the night.

Words were not my forte, however.

The following day, I went out to buy a card for our first anniversary. Throwing out any formalities, I just wrote ‘love you’ on a postcard of Anstruther that I’d found in the newsagents.

‘Here you go’ I said, giving her the postcard and kissing her in the kitchen later. ‘Happy anniversary’.

There was the smell of something chocolatey coming from the oven.

‘Aww thank you’ she said taking it and laughing at the postcard without reading the back. She placed it down on the counter. ‘I know we said no gifts but I thought I’d bake you something’.

She opened the oven and pulled out a tray of brownies. My postcard suddenly looked very lacklustre.

I thanked her and we engaged in a long cuddle. ‘Are you going to read the card?’, I said, mumbling into her hair.

She looked up at me suspiciously, and untangled an arm to grab the postcard. I watched her face turn from amusement to surprise as she read the back.

‘You don’t have to say it back’ I jumped in as she was about to speak.

‘Don’t you want me to?’ she said.

‘Course I do, just…no pressure’.

‘I love you too’ she said shyly.

They were the words I never thought I’d hear from a woman, let alone a woman like her.

While Kate continued to study hard for her degree, I left all the academic work until the last minute, preferring instead to play sports or go out and get drunk. University for me was a once in a lifetime experience. I was well aware that this level of freedom would never come my way again and I was determined to exploit it.

Kate would often remark that I still acted like a fresher well into our final year. She on the other hand was mature beyond her years. She had plans for everything; colour coded charts and lists upon lists of things she had to do. I encouraged her to be more spontaneous, and would often take her to the coast at a minute’s notice just to break the cycle.

On a January day in our final year, she was holed up in her bedroom working on her draft introduction for her dissertation. Her tutor had wanted it the following day and she’d spent days poring over each of the 2000 words.

‘Do you want to get some air?’ I said, appearing at her door with a cup of tea.

She was sat in her usual position, cross legged on her bed, with her notes and laptop in an ordered chaos around her.

‘I need to get this done’, she said without looking up, her eyebrows furrowed.

‘How many drafts have you done of this draft?’ I laughed.

She didn’t find it funny and merely shook her head.

I sat next to her, being careful not to mess up her notes and rubbed her back, ‘come on, it’s only the introduction, you’ve got months to change it. He just wants to see you’ve made a start’

‘How can you be so relaxed about it?’

‘Because it’s not a big deal’ I said.

‘It is to me’ she snapped.

‘It’s our last few months, we should be enjoying it’

‘I came to university to get a good degree, not to get wasted every night’ she didn’t look at me but she didn’t need to.

‘Fine’ I growled, placing the tea on her bedside table, and left the room.

It was our first proper argument, and the first one that I didn’t give in on. Late that night, she crept into my room and burrowed under the covers.

‘Have you finished it?’ I asked, still wide awake.

‘Yep. Finally’ she whispered.

We lay next to each other for the best part of fifteen minutes, listening to the ticking of my clock.

‘I’m sorry’ she finally said. ‘I love you.’

I tuned over and pulled her close. That was the thing about Kate; she had me wrapped around her little finger. Even for someone as stubborn as me, I couldn’t remain angry with her. I was firmly under her spell.

In our final months at St Andrews, we spent as much time as we could together. Naturally, all talk in our house turned to the dreaded post-uni plans. With Fergus, Olivia and many of our other friends deciding on masters or jobs to apply for, I shied away from the question.

That is with everyone apart from Kate. We talked at length about the future as individuals and as a couple. She worried that we wouldn’t get to see each other after we left Scotland, and secretly I worried about it too. We talked for hours, trying to plan how and when we would see each other and how we could keep it quiet from the media. The constant conversations exhausted us both and we began to get frustrated that there was no simple answer.

It was something that consumed us over those final months. Each time we spoke about it, we left it unresolved to the extent that we began avoiding it all together.

The issue only came up again one evening during a rowdy dinner party we’d thrown. Kate was sat on the staircase alone as the rest of our group of ten chatted noisily in the living room.

‘What you doing over here?’ I asked, taking a seat next to her.

‘Just taking some time out’. She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes.

I took her hand, ‘what’s wrong?’

‘I’m just scared of things changing’

‘They don’t have to’ I said, resting my chin on her head.

‘What about in the future? Like years into the future?’ she said suddenly. ‘What will be expected of me?’

Conversations about our future was usually reserved for the immediate future, not years in advance. I thought carefully about what to say.

‘Well you’ll be expected to be a kind of support to me. But you can do whatever you want’ I added.

‘Are you sure about that?’ she looked at the ground.

‘Remember what you said on our first date? That I have the opportunity to support so many things. It’ll be the same for you…and you’ll be amazing at it, if it’s what you want of course?’

‘I want you’. It didn’t pass me by that she had avoided the question.

‘What about when the press find out about us. When they find out where I live, where I work…’

‘We can cross that bridge when we come to it. I’m going to look after you, don’t worry’, I smoothed down a wayward piece of her hair.

‘There’s this graduate traineeship I’ve seen, for curating’ she said, changing the subject.

‘Oh yeah?’

‘Yeah, it’s for two years. It looks pretty amazing’

I kissed her on the head, ‘you should apply for it, sounds perfect for you’

Curating was something Kate had talked about since our first year and it was an idea that she’d become more passionate about during her degree. Her enthusiasm for it was something that I was often jealous of; because I knew she could turn her passion into a career and I couldn’t.

She leant into me and sighed.

A hint of something twisted in my stomach; a reaction that I tried to ignore and push aside.

It was dread.

The final week of university was bittersweet.

My plan was to get some work experience at different places and then make a decision on what route to take. But my eagerness to begin my adult life properly was tinged with the knowledge that the best few years of my life were about to come to an end. I was going to miss my friends, who had become like a second family. I was going to miss the seclusion of St Andrews and the agreement with the media to leave me alone. But most of all, I was going to miss her.

We savoured the moments that we could see each other every day and took advantage of not having to plan the times that we saw each other. But the days seemed to pass so fast that even when we were together twenty-four seven, it didn’t feel like it was enough.

Bored of packing my room up, one afternoon, I went to distract Kate.

She was knelt on her bedroom floor carefully wrapping up some photo frames in bubble wrap.

‘That was an awesome night’ I said, pointing at a picture of her and I at a ball last year. I was wearing a suit, and she had on a little black wrap dress. She had danced me under the table that night.

She smiled sadly at the picture and wrapped it up, ‘there’s been a lot of awesome nights. I can’t imagine having so much fun over the last four years if you had left in first year’.

I sat down on the end of her bed, wrapping my legs around her. ‘I doubt I would’ve stayed if you weren’t here’.

She tilted her head up and began to speak, but noises of clattering from downstairs where Olivia was packing her kitchen stuff stopped her.

‘Shall we go for a walk?’ she said.

It was a warm May afternoon and with exams over, everything and everyone seemed more relaxed; even the Scottish weather.

We strolled hand in hand to our favourite isolated spot half a mile from the house, when she began to slow down.

‘I need to talk to you’. The tone in her voice was suddenly grave.

‘Ok’

‘I’ve been given a conditional offer for that traineeship’ she said.

I lit up immediately, ‘that’s amazing!’ I said, grabbing her into a hug.

She let me and then pulled away, ‘as long as I get a 2:1 or above, I’m on it’.

‘Brilliant, that’ll be no problem for you then’, I couldn’t disguise my pride at her achievement.

‘The thing is, it’s not all in the UK’

The atmosphere dropped around us, ‘where…’

‘There’ll be a few months in London, and then I go to Moscow, then Madrid, and Venice’

‘Wow, well I’ll miss you, but it’ll be an amazing experience, and you’ll come home often won’t you?’

She didn’t say anything and just looked into the distance.

‘Won’t you?’ I repeated.

‘It’s for two years with a possible proper job at the end of it’

‘What are you trying to say?’

‘I don’t think this…us…will work.’

I laughed but it came out sounding strained ‘we’ve talked about this, we can make it work.’

‘How? If I take this traineeship, we’ll be apart for two years, and when I come back I’ll get a job I love. Then what? I give it all up?’ Her face was set in an agonising expression.

‘Look, all that will happen when we get married. Before that, you can do whatever you want! You’ll have years before that’.

She remained unconvinced.

‘I thought you loved me’ I said, petulantly.

‘I do!’ she said, offended. ‘It’s just I’ve worked hard for the past four years….’

She didn’t have to continue because I understood what she meant. This is what she had been working towards for four years. The late nights, the stress, the argument we’d had; it was all building up to the moment she left university.

And I was asking her to put it all to one side for me.

Kate was everything I ever wanted and more. The problem was that ‘more’ didn’t include me.

‘Please don’t do this’ I said, feebly attempting to change her mind. ‘Go, enjoy it, but we don’t need to break up’

‘I think we do’

‘But WHY!?’ I said, almost shouting.

‘Because I’m not sure, and it’d be unfair to you to be not sure’, tears were pushing up into her eyes.

‘You’re not sure about me?’

‘Of course I’m sure about you. But I’m not sure that I could be totally happy living that life. I’m not sure I would be able to do it. Maybe in a few years that would change. But right now, I can’t keep wasting your time and pretending I’d be ok with it. Because I don’t know if I’m ok with it.’

I couldn’t argue with that. Who was I to hold her back, to ask her to commit herself to a life she didn’t want.

She cupped her palm around my face and leant her head against my chin, ‘I’m sorry Will.’

There was that word again, come back to haunt me.

We avoided each other for two days, not speaking or looking at each other. Even being in the same room together was torture.

We had all decided a week in advance that we’d spend our last night having dinner at the house and then go into town with our other friends.

Dinner was a tense affair and by the time we were ready to go out, I was ready to call it a night. Despite the fact Kate and I weren’t speaking, I still wanted to spend the final evening in her presence. Anything else would’ve felt wrong.

We made it to one of our favourite bars that we often visited to play pool. I could see Kate attempting to be cheerful, greeting our friends with hugs and pretending that everything was fine. She was in a denim skirt, tights and boots with a black top. Her hair was half pulled back from her face showing off every one of her features.

It was like a stab in every part of my body every time I remembered she was no longer mine.

Half way into the evening, some guys from uni decided they wanted to play pool with the girls in our group. One in particular from Kate’s course took a liking to her. He was tall, with strong broad shoulders and an easy confidence. Kate politely allowed him to show her how to aim into the pocket using a complicated ricochet move.

There was no touching, no sense of chemistry. Just a man showing a woman how to play pool. It was something that I would’ve ordinarily done.

She tried the move and failed, then tipped her head back and laughed.

I clenched my fists and made for the door, shoving the guy out of the way with my shoulder as I went.

‘Whoa! Careful mate’ I heard behind me. But the blood was rushing to my ears, pounding so loudly that I could barely hear.

I got home, slamming the door behind me and retreating to my room. I must’ve only been standing there for a few minute when Kate came bursting through my bedroom door.

‘What do you think you’re doing?!’ she shouted.

‘Go away’ I said, the words struggling to come out.

‘You were really rude back then’ she said angrily.

‘Well maybe you shouldn’t flirt with people right in front of my face’ I retorted.

‘I wasn’t flirting and you know it!’

I did know it, I just wanted to hear her say it.

‘Please don’t be like this Will’

‘What do you expect?’ I snarled.

‘For us to part as friends? Like we started?’ Even as she said it, I could tell she wasn’t convinced.

‘I don’t want to be your friend’ I said. ‘You’re…’

I couldn’t finish the sentence because I knew she already knew what I wanted to say. Soul mate. I had called her it once and she’d laughed asking if it usually takes that long for soul mates to get together.

Instead, I took a step towards her and kissed her hard on the mouth. She released a small sob but carried on kissing me anyway.

Neither of us spoke as we unbuttoned, unzipped and peeled away our clothing, clawing and grabbing at each other until the sun came up.

In the morning, she was already dressing when I woke up.

‘Why did you let this happen?’ was the first thing I said to her.

‘What?’ she said, her back turned to me.

‘Why did you spend three years with me if you knew you didn’t want my baggage?’

‘I wanted you’

‘So you just let me believe that we’d stay together?’

‘I thought we’d stay together. I didn’t start thinking about what would happen after until a few months ago’. Her voice was tired.

‘You’ve known for a few months and let it carry on then’

‘Stop it William. Please don’t make it harder to say goodbye’. I could tell she was crying even with her back turned.

I sat up and glared at the ground. ‘Fine. Goodbye Kate.’

I refused to look at her, but I knew she was facing me now. I could tell just by listening to the shallow sounds of her breathing. I don’t know how long she waited there for me to give her something more, but eventually her weight lifted gently off the bed. The sounds of her breathing, that I’d become so used to having beside me, and expected to have beside me for the rest of my life, were replaced by a soft click of the door.

The crowds had lined the streets on Graduation Day, just as we’d expected. I waved at them, and they happily waved back. But to me, their faces were just a blur. There was only one person I wanted to see.

She stepped onto the lawn; scroll in hand, her robes flowing behind her. Her skin was tinted and glowing and a beam spread across her face as her family came to congratulate her. If she knew I was looking in her direction she didn’t show it as she chatted and laughed, her dimples dipping into her face.

It was the last time I ever saw her.

“I hope you never have to think about anything as much as I think about you.” ― Jonathan Safran Foer

Balmoral

I open my eyes to find George and Emma gaping at me. It takes a moment for one of them to speak.

‘What happened?’ Emma says, her voice coarse.

‘I’m sorry?’ I say, and take a sip of water.

‘What happened to her? To this Kate person’ she asks, mouth still agape.

‘Well’ I sigh, ‘I presume she went and did her traineeship, I didn’t have the heart to find out’.

‘What about mum?’ George interjects.

‘Kate was the reason I met your mother.’ I tread gently, knowing how hard this must be for them to hear. ‘A couple of years after university, Fergus organised a reunion of sorts. The thought of seeing Kate again made me want to run and hide, so I went and played at a charity polo match instead. That was where I met your mother, as you well know’.

‘I had no idea this person ever existed’ Emma says dumbfounded. ‘You’ve never mentioned her, not once, not even as a friend!’

I suddenly feel very tired. ‘Yes well, I’m not proud of how things happened.’

‘Did Mum know about her?’ Emma asks.

‘Yes, to an extent. She didn’t know exactly what Kate meant to me though’ I say.

‘Which was what exactly?’ George looks at me with a warning look in his eye. He was always fiercely protective of his mother.

I can’t bring myself to say the words so Emma does it for me.

‘She was the love of his life. Obviously.’ She says it so plainly and it surprises me.

‘I loved your mother very much’ I say, trying to reassure them both as if they are both still children.

It was true, I did love their mother. She had been a support to me for over fifty years and the day that she died five years ago was one of the hardest days of my life. As much as I loved her, I still never stopped thinking about Kate. About the way I felt like I was floating whenever I was near her.

‘Why did you feel the need to tell us all this?’ George says, still angry.

‘Because I’m about to die, I suppose. I wanted someone to know how special she was’

‘I’m sure her own family know that’, George snaps and stands up.

‘Look, son, when you get to my age you just want to talk about the past. To make amends. The way things ended with Kate has haunted me for my whole life’.

My hand starts to shake and Emma grabs it. My heart strains again and I rub my chest. It seems to get worse every time I think of her.

‘George please’, he is turned away from me but doesn’t turn around.

‘Oh for goodness sake’ Emma stands up and grabs George by the arm. ‘We all have our secrets, this is one of daddy’s. He dying, get over it’.

Emma always did have a wonderful way with words.

They sit with me for another hour, asking questions occasionally, but I am beginning to drift in and out of sleep. I hear them get up and leave, and then the mumbles of an argument in the corridor outside. I don’t know what they’re discussing, but I hear the familiar sound of George relenting to her before I sink into a deep sleep.

The following morning, I wake up wondering if yesterday’s events really happened, feeling a mixture of anxiety and relief.

My eyes creak open and I turn my head with an enormous effort. A pair of eyes are looking back at me.

Green eyes.

My heart jolts in a way that I didn’t know was possible anymore.

‘Hello’ she says.

I am transported back sixty years as her voice runs through me.

‘How did you?…what?’ is all I can say.

‘I got a phone call yesterday afternoon asking me to come up to Balmoral urgently’ she says quickly.

‘But how…’

‘Your daughter is quite resourceful apparently’ she laughs.

I laugh too despite my shock and notice her face for the first time. Her grey hair is tied up in a neat bun and wrinkles are set deeply in her face. But her eyes are still exactly the same.

‘You look beautiful’ I say.

‘Smooth as ever’ she says, rolling her eyes.

It’s as if nothing’s changed.

I am at a loss for words until she takes my hand knowingly.

‘Shall we go for a walk?’ I say. I don’t want her to see me like this, confined in this room.

I may be dying but my pride is very much still alive and kicking.

The nurses help me into my wheelchair and take me out to the grounds where Kate takes over, pushing me gently along the paths.

‘How have you been?’ I ask.

‘Good, and you?’

‘Well I’m dying, but other than that, life has served me well. What about you? I want to hear about your life.’

She tells me all about that past sixty years. How she did her traineeship and gained a job at the end of it. How she followed her dream and ended up curating all around Europe’s galleries. How she met her late husband at work and they had three children. Just like she always wanted.

‘How many grandchildren do you have?’ I ask.

‘Five’

‘Ha! I have six. Beat you’

She laughs, ‘it’s not a competition William’

‘Of course it is, it always is’.

She settles down on a bench and places my chair next to her. ‘This is a lovely place’ she says.

‘I’m sick of it’ I say grumpily. ‘How about you take me out somewhere’.

‘St Andrews is only a couple of hours away’ she jokes.

I stare at her, ‘let’s go’.

‘William –‘

I take her hand in both of mine. ‘Please Kate, I’ve been stuck here for weeks. Let’s go back, I’ve been meaning to go for years but I always put it off’. The words come out in a jumble but she knows I mean them.

‘I don’t want a dead man in my car’ she says.

‘You drove here?!’

‘Yes’ she says looking affronted. ‘I’m old, not an invalid’.

I chuckle, ‘how about you take this invalid on a ride then?’

Kate leaves me outside and sneaks up to my room, collecting my medication and a few blankets.

‘I could go to prison for this’ she says when she returns, rolling me to the driveway at an alarmingly fast rate.

‘Emma and George didn’t see you did they?’

‘No’ she says breathlessly, packing her little red car.

Between the two of us, I am hauled into the passenger seat, brimming with excitement. I direct her to a side gate where I know there is only one guard standing.

I pop my head out of the window and say to him, ‘I’ll be back soon, they know all about it’.

The guard looks slightly startled, looking around for my security convoy, but before he can question it, Kate speeds away from the gates, the two of us laughing like naughty schoolchildren.

Two hours later, we arrive in St Andrews. We comment on all the things that have changed as we drive around – which is almost everything. The only thing that has stayed the same are the university buildings and we both descend into a respectful silence as we pass Sallies.

After much discussion, we decide on a remote area near to our old cottage. Kate pushes me up the small hills with some effort until we find a stone wall she can sit on.

On the way here, Kate stopped for snacks and she pulls out a packet of chocolate brownies from her bag and rips them open. We munch on them in silence.

‘My children are going to kill me’ I say.

She laughs. ‘Emma is lovely by the way, both of them are. You did well there’

I cough and she hands me a bottle of water. I take it but my hands are shaky and she holds it in place for me.

‘They are wonderful children’ I agree. ‘Did George give you a hard time?’

‘He was perfectly gracious’ she says. ‘Just like his father’.

I smile and she holds onto my hand.

‘Yes Emma is certainly more like her mother. Or her namesake’

She looks at me curiously.

‘Emma?’ I say, smirking. ‘You know the Jane Austen book?’

‘You named her after Emma Woodhouse?’, she says.

‘Well someone recommended the book to me a long time ago, so I read it’

She bows her head and squeezes my hand, tears springing to her eyes.

‘Kate.’

‘Don’t say it’ she pleads.

‘Say what?’

‘I don’t know, but it’s bound to make me cry’

‘I want to say sorry. The way we left things…the way I said goodbye to you –‘

‘It was my fault too’ she says. ‘I didn’t make it easy’.

‘You did what was right for you’. The wind is gathering and I wrap my coat around myself tighter.

‘I loved you’ she says, looking into the distance.

‘I’ve loved you for sixty years’.

‘Sometimes I think I missed my chance to be truly happy’, she brushes some crumbs off her lap.

‘You haven’t been happy?’

‘No, of course I’ve had a wonderful life, with a job and a husband and beautiful children, but something was always –‘

‘Missing’ I finish.

‘Yes’.

‘Yes.’

‘If I could do things again…’ she begins.

‘Hey, we don’t need to dwell on that. You’re here now’

‘I should’ve been there then’

My bones are achy and stiff but I lock her fingers with mine, ‘we’ve had happy lives. Maybe not the ones we expected back then, but we got through it’

‘I didn’t get over it though’

I look at her and her eyes are glistening.

‘Neither did I. Not fully. But I always wanted the chance to tell you I was sorry’

‘Well you’ve said it now’

‘Not just for being a complete idiot that day. But for not fighting for you. I should’ve tried harder’

‘I didn’t really give you a choice’. She leans against my shoulder and I place my chin on her head.

‘I just wanted you to be happy’

‘I have been. In my own way’, she says stifling a yawn.

I can’t suppress a laugh. ‘Does this remind you of anything?’

She closes her eyes and smiles, ‘we just need you to set fire to something now’.

Two bags of chips later and we head back home, ready for the torrent of anger from my children.

‘What you do think you were doing!!??’

‘Do you know how dangerous that was?’

‘We were worried sick!’

But I’m not listening. I can still feel the Fife wind on my face. Still taste the salty chips. And still feel her hand on mine.

I am tired but walking on air. I’m put back into bed and instruct my children that if they blame any of this on Kate I will cut their inheritance in half.

As the sun sets, Kate sits next to my bed. My heart is slowing again, but this time I don’t try to fight it.

‘I should probably leave you to rest’ she says.

When I look at her, she is the girl I fell in love with. Her hair tumbles around her shoulders in brown waves, her cheeks are pink and rosy and her eyes are glinting. I reach my hand out to touch her face, finding it smooth and soft as it always ways.

‘Stay’ I say.

She leans over and kisses me softly on the cheek. Butterflies explode inside me.

‘You should be with your family now’ she says gently, passing a wet drop from her eyelashes to my cheek.

‘Kate’

‘I know Will. I know. I’ll see you again, I promise’

She knows. At last, she knows.

I’m faintly aware of movement around me, more people enter the room and some leave. There is a constant sound off weeping somewhere.

Flashes of colour pass through my mind. My children clambering over me in the garden, and the smell of the grass. My wedding day; the taste of the smoke from the fireworks. The charred taste of slightly burnt spaghetti bolognaise.

I hear the slow thud of my heart over the voices around me, relaxing with every beat.

Until I can’t hear or see anything anymore.

And yet, my senses pick up one final thing.

Raspberries.

The End.

#katefiction #royal fanfiction #cambridge fanfiction #kate middleton

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holylulusworld · 5 years

Text

Second chances – Part 5

Summary: Dean leaves reader after Sam jumps into the pit. Six months later he finds out that his brother is back and his ex is pregnant. Can he win her over once again or will he lose her and his son to someone else?

Pairing: former Dean x Reader, Sam x Reader?, OMC Sally, old lady

Warnings: language, break-up, heartache, pregnant reader, angst, arguments, a hint of fluff

Second chances Masterlist

"Sally is that all for today?"

"Yeah, nothing to do. I copied the files and everything else yesterday. Are you feeling better today?"

“Thank you Sally. I just felt a bit dizzy, I’m fine today. Is it okay if I leave 20 minutes earlier for lunch? I forgot my lunch at home so I have to buy me something.”

“Sure honey, Margaret said we can finish work after lunch.”

“Good, then I have time to buy some stuff for my baby.”

“Yep. Can you lock the office, Y/N? I have an appointment during lunch.”

“Sure, no problem. See you tomorrow.”

Meanwhile at Bobby’s house…

“Shit, kiddo forgot her lunch,” Bobby curses.

“Give it to me, I’ll bring it to her office,” Dean orders. Already taking the lunch out of Bobby’s hands he runs toward his car.

“Hey, Dean you don’t know where she’s working!” Bobby calls after him.

“I know where my girlfriend is working!” Dean yells back.

“Boy, you better not let her hear you called her your girlfriend or she will kick your ass.”

-----

Leaving the office you almost bump into a broad chest. Cursing your look into emerald eyes.

“You forgot your lunch at home. Here,” Dean says smiling.

“Oh, thanks but I’m finished with my work for today.”

“Then let’s eat together. I saw a park nearby. We could sit on a bench and eat,” he begs.

Groaning you take the lunch out of his hand. Looking into the bag you see carrots, an apple, and even some grapes.

“Did you put all the fruits in the bag?”

“The apple and the carrots. The grapes were Bobby’s idea.”

“Fine let’s go to the park. But I don’t have much time; I need to take the bus later.”

“Bus? Why?”

“My car makes odd noises. Bobby said it might be the brakes so I rather took the bus today.”

“I can drive you home.”

“I don’t want to go home; I need to buy some stuff.”

“Then I’ll drive you.”

“It’s baby stuff. I don’t think you want to drive me to a store full of cute baby stuff.”

“Hey, it’s my baby too. Let me drive you, please.”

“God, sometimes I hate how persistent you can be.”

Chuckling he sits down next to you on the bench. Grabbing a sandwich out of your bag you can hear Dean’s stomach rumble. Giggling you give him a half of your sandwich.

“No, no. That’s your sandwich.”

“Eat it before I change my mind, Winchester.”

Smiling he takes the healthy sandwich out of your hand. Sam made you a turkey sandwich with a lot of veggies on it.

“Not that bad, except the whole green rubbish.” Dean mutters.

“Sam is a mother hen.” You giggle.

“Sam made the sandwich?”

“Hmmm…if he’s around he makes me lunch.”

“He really likes you, that’s the reason he’s so mad at me…”

“No, at least that’s not the whole truth. Do you know why he never called you?”

“No.”

“Not because of me. I told him we broke up. I asked Bobby to not tell Sam the truth. I wanted him to be happy, to go back to his brother. When he returned all he could think about was seeing his big brother, but then he found out you weren’t with me. I guess he saw you with Lisa, happy and that’s why he came back and never tried to contact you again.”

“When did he come to Lisa’s house?”

“One week after he jumped into the pit he came to Bobby’s house and two days later, after Bobby couldn’t reach you, or rather you hung up, Sam drove to her house.”

“Fuck, that was the day Lisa gave a party and I was making some burgers outside.”

“Oh, then he saw his brother having fun only one week after he ‘died’. Shit, that’s the reason he looked so sad when he came back,” you whisper.

“I’m sorry. The party was planned long before I came to her house and she couldn’t cancel it. She begged me to make some burgers; I guess she wanted to distract me.”

“Well, why are you sorry? Sam was dead, I was alone and heartbroken but you had time to have a nice party with your new chick. Awesome!”

“I didn’t want to have a party!”

“Wow, she’s a great girlfriend, having a party even knowing you’re heartbroken over Sam’s death. How kind of her. How understanding and caring. I would’ve canceled the goddamn party to be there for you.” You snap at him.

“You were always there for me.” He rasps. Leaning closer to you he sighs when you move away.

“Awe, you two are such a cute couple, and look at her baby bump.” An old lady says smiling.

“We aren’t a pair.” You say as polite as possible.

“But you should be! The way he looks at you, my Marlon used to look at me like that until he passed away three years ago.” The woman whispers sad.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” You whisper. Getting up you offer her a seat.

“No, no my dear, continue your date with the handsome man. Don’t be too stubborn. I can see it in his eyes, he loves you honey.” The older lady whispers in your ear.

“Thanks ma’am, but he left me before and I don’t think he really wants to be with me. I guess he just feels guilty as he left me not knowing I was pregnant.”

“Honey, he loves you for sure. Believe an old lady like me.”

After shaking her hand you hug the old woman for a moment, knowing she only tried to be nice.

Sitting back down next to Dean you can see his sad face. He heard what you said to the old lady.

“I really messed up everything, no one will ever forgive me,” Dean whispers.

“Already giving up?”

“No, I won’t give up. I guess it will need time that Sam and you trust me again. But I’m afraid you will never love me again.”

“That’s the problem Dean, I never stopped loving you. I really tried to forget you, but I couldn’t. That’s the reason it hurt so damn much you left me behind.”

“You still love me?”

Wiping away some tears you don’t answer, you only nod. Taking your hand in his he gently holds it.

“I’m so sorry, for everything I did to you and Sammy. I wish I stayed by your side. I just thought we need time apart after all we’ve been through.”

“You never knew how to have a relationship, Dean. Everyone you depended on left you. Your mom, John, Cassie after you told her about hunting, even Sam. I guess that’s just the way you think relationships work.”

“But you never left me,” He whispers. “No matter what I did, how stupid I acted, you never left me,” Dean says. Still holding your hand he watches your reaction.

“I never left as I loved you all those years. If you love someone you don’t give up on him.”

“Can I help you to raise our child?”

“I don’t know if that’s really what you want.”

“Please let’s try to be a family. You, me, our baby and Sammy…not to forget the old geezer called Bobby!”

“I’m not sure if I can trust you again. It’s not just me depending on you; your son will depend on you too.”

“I swear I’ll never leave you again, or our son,” Dean whispers. Leaning forward you he brushes his lips over yours. Holding your face into his hand he kisses you softly.

Not pushing him away, like you should, you kiss him back. Breaking the kiss Dean smiles at you.

“I…we shouldn’t…” Stammering you try to remain calm.

How could you kiss the man back that ripped your heart out six months ago?

Forever Tags

@donnaintx, @screechingartisancashbailiff, @fallen-wolf22 , @curly-haired-disaster, @sister-winchesters99, @mogaruke, @the-is13, @helloitsmeamie203, @strayrosesbloom , @thewinchesterco , @hobby27, @kittycatlover18, @gh0stgurl , @marvelfansworld , @sandlee44, @hawaiianohana15, @unlikelysamwinchesteronahunt, @katpatrova17, @notyourtypicalrose , @heyitscam99, @onethingthatkeepsmealive, @natura1phenomenon, @flamencodiva

Dean/Jensen Forever Tags

@spnfamily-thewinchesters, @love-my-not-natural-babies, @supernatural-bellawinchester, @butifulsoul125, @lyinginthegingerlocks, @mirandaaustin93, @hawaiianohana15, @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester, @20gayneen

Second Chances Tags

@mirandaaustin93, @hopefulcolorcollectorsthings, @sammykb1994, @supernatural-bellawinchester, @20gayneen, @hoodie-is-lyfe

#spn fanfic #SPN #dean winchester #dean x reader #bobby singer #angst #pregnant reader #fluff #sad reader #second chances masterlist

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porcupine-girl · 7 years

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Fic I will write someday

Uh, the first version of this contained weird shit at the bottom, and Tumblr wouldn’t let me edit the post (maybe because of said weird shit?), so sorry for the repost...

I’m not allowed to really write any fic until my dissertation is done (so, September). After that I am going to write ALL THE FIC. However, even if I can’t write any of it down my brain is still churning it out.

Right now I’m taking a break from trying to understand how to interpret the results of multiple logistic regression (if anyone here knows, HELP PLEASE edit: I think I’m figuring it out), so I’m going to tell you guys about some of the fics I have either partially finished or like in outline/brainstorm form. Feel free to tell me which ones you think I should work on first!

Zimbits:

My second FTH fic, the prompt was “social media witch Bitty.” I’ve taken that and combined it with the plot of the musical She Loves Me. The 45K first draft is done, but I’ve got a LOT of editing/rewriting to do. It currently sits around 48K. My top priority once I can focus on fic again.

A couple more stories for Oh., the compilation of alternate Jack/Bitty getting together scenes.

Random compilation of canon missing scenes (right after the kiss, in Madison, etc).

ABO: Jack and Bitty are both omegas and accidentally mate. Oops!

More in the A Lot Like Life ‘verse: some Bitty coming out to his parents stuff, some Bitty in Montreal stuff, plus lots of smut. We’ve got some sensory deprivation, some Bitty making Jack watch him dance with other guys at a club, some role reversal, and one doc titled “underwear” that just contains a text conversation of Bitty having a surprise for Jack and refusing to share details, which I’m guessing was going to involve Jack in panties? IDK, at some point there will be Jack in panties.

Academia AU: Jack is a first year Assistant Prof in the history department, Bitty is a 3rd(?maybe?) year grad student who is his TA for the fall. Bitty winds up dropping out of grad school, because I was working through my issues when I conceived this plot. Not because he had bad grades or anything, just because fuck academia. Anyhow, then they can date.

Woke up married in Vegas AU: What it says on the tin. Jack went to Samwell for two years then joined the Falconers, so didn’t meet Bitty there, but Shitty has been trying to get them together for years. So when Bitty is in Vegas for some kind of youtube awards or something, and Jack is there for a game against the Aces, they meet and hey, Shitty was right, they get along really well. Oops!

Jack hooks up with Camilla once at the start of his senior year. Three months later, he finds out she’s pregnant. She doesn’t want to have an abortion; she plans to give the baby up for adoption. Jack decides he wants to keep the baby, because his rookie year in the NHL needs to be more complicated. But his parents will help and he’ll get a nanny and stuff. Bitty, being Bitty, talks Jack into hiring him as his nanny for the summer. Because covering Jack with baking ingredients wasn’t enough, now he needs to see Jack taking care of a newborn

SPN:

Okay I swear I’m going to finish Museum of Broken Relationships and The Breath Before the Phrase. Breath is… hm. I should have ended it where it is, but I thought I had one more chapter, but I’m not sure I actually do. There might be one more short chapter, or I might rewrite Ch 10 to tie it up. Either way, I actually have later stuff in the series written so I would really like to be able to move forward there.

ABO: Alternate S9, Kevin and Human!Cas are living in the bunker. Dean has to go off his suppressants to have a heat because he hasn’t had one in years and that’s not healthy. Surprise! Truemates! Who’dathunkit.

ABO Dean/Cas/Bela, Bela POV: Dean is an alpha, Cas is a beta, they’re mated. Cas can’t really handle Dean’s ruts, so they go to a sex club to find an omega when they need to. Bela has helped them out several times now. Although, this time she finds out that they aren’t quite who she thought they were.

Cas is a lecturer in religious studies at the University of Nebraska. He has a run-in with a crazy guy who tries to kill him. Two FBI agents show up to investigate; Cas discovers that their suspect, who definitely looks like the guy, is dead and they’re not FBI agents. He forces them to take him along to the grave desecration stuff, finds out it really was a ghost and the supernatural is real. Sam and Dean try to keep him from getting involved, but he’s a little shit and keeps popping up anyhow, at some point hooking up with Dean in the process. But Dean keeps pushing him away, won’t do it again. They finally give in and have their friend Charlie move in with him because at least he’ll have a babysitter if he insists on getting involved in all this shit. Then Rowena shows up, and things get really weird.

And Yet ‘verse (canon divergent D/s stuff): I actually have a story for this written, sitting there for like two years in need of editing. And an outline for a whole big series.

Academia AU: Yeah, another one. hahaha. Anyhow, I conceived of this like three years ago, then got stuck a few chapters in, I think because I just wasn’t a good enough writer to do the things I wanted. Maybe now I could finish it. Dean is a MechE PhD student, Cas is a first year Psychology Assistant Prof who needs a housemate.

Dean and Cas are MIT students who meet at a particular event. I’m not going to say more because I don’t want this post showing up on searches for particular terms (this fic would also be locked to AO3 members for that reason).

I just got my SPN ABO bingo card, so in addition to the two ABOs here you can count on a bunch more coming! I doubt I’ll get a blackout, but there will be at least 4-5 for a bingo.

Other:

I really wanna write Two/Nyx for Dark Matter.

Sherlock/Anthea pre-canon PWP that tried to grow a casefic plot so I gave up.

Sherlock/Sally pre-canon PWP, they meet at a college party and hook up

Started before S3 - John and Sherlock confess their feelings the morning of John and Mary’s wedding, which gets cancelled. They’re such assholes.

#pg writes #fandom life #writing #long post #5 #zimbits #destiel #johnlock #sorry if this shows up in those ship tags and annoys you with its other ships #I kept them out of the top 5 tags I just want them there for my internal tagging #but who knows what tumblr will do with them

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fitnesshealthyoga-blog · 5 years

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New Post has been published on https://fitnesshealthyoga.com/yoga-meditation-and-psychedelics-would-you-take-drugs-during-your-practice/

Yoga, Meditation and Psychedelics: Would you Take Drugs During Your Practice?

Top yoga and meditation teachers Sally Kempton and Ram Dass share their personal experiences with psychedelics as we explore the latest trends in research and recreational use.

ANDREW BANNECKER

When a friend invited Maya Griffin* to a “journey weekend”—two or three days spent taking psychedelics in hopes of experiencing profound insights or a spiritual awakening—she found herself considering it. “Drugs were never on my radar,” says Griffin, 39, of New York City. “At an early age, I got warnings from my parents that drugs may have played a role in bringing on a family member’s mental illness. Beyond trying pot a couple times in college, I didn’t touch them.” But then Griffin met Julia Miller* in a yoga class, and after about a year of friendship, Miller began sharing tales from her annual psychedelic weekends. She’d travel with friends to rental houses in various parts of the United States where a “medicine man” from California would join them and administer mushrooms, LSD, and other psychedelics. Miller would tell Griffin about experiences on these “medicines” that had helped her feel connected to the divine. She’d talk about being in meditative-like bliss states and feeling pure love.

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This time, Miller was hosting a three-day journey weekend with several psychedelics—such as DMT (dimethyltryptamine, a compound found in plants that’s extracted and then smoked to produce a powerful experience that’s over in minutes), LSD (lysergic acid diethylamide, or “acid,” which is chemically synthesized from a fungus), and Ayahuasca (a brew that blends whole plants containing DMT with those that have enzyme inhibitors that prolong the DMT experience). Miller described it as a “choose your own adventure” weekend, where Griffin could opt in or out of various drugs as she pleased. Griffin eventually decided to go for it. Miller recommended she first do a “mini journey”—just one day and one drug—to get a sense of what it would be like and to see if a longer trip was really something she wanted to do. So, a couple of months before the official journey, Griffin took a mini journey with magic mushrooms.

See also This is the Reason I Take the Subway 45 Minutes Uptown to Work Out—Even Though There’s a Gym On My Block

“It felt really intentional. We honored the spirits of the four directions beforehand, a tradition among indigenous cultures, and asked the ancestors to keep us safe,” she says. “I spent a lot of time feeling heavy, lying on the couch at first. Then, everything around me looked more vibrant and colorful. I was laughing hysterically with a friend. Time was warped. At the end, I got what my friends would call a ‘download,’ or the kind of insight you might get during meditation. It felt spiritual in a way. I wasn’t in a relationship at the time and I found myself having this sense that I needed to carve out space for a partner in my life. It was sweet and lovely.”

Griffin, who’s practiced yoga for more than 20 years and who says she wanted to try psychedelics in order to “pull back the ‘veil of perception,’” is among a new class of yoga practitioners who are giving drugs a try for spiritual reasons. They’re embarking on journey weekends, doing psychedelics in meditation circles, and taking the substances during art and music festivals to feel connected to a larger community and purpose. But a renewed interest in these explorations, and the mystical experiences they produce, isn’t confined to recreational settings. Psychedelics, primarily psilocybin, a psychoactive compound in magic mushrooms, are being studied by scientists, psychiatrists, and psychologists again after a decades-long hiatus following the experimental 1960s—a time when horror stories of recreational use gone wrong contributed to bans on the drugs and harsh punishments for anyone caught with them. This led to the shutdown of all studies into potential therapeutic uses, until recently. (The drugs are still illegal outside of clinical trials.)

Another Trip with Psychedelics

The freeze on psychedelics research was lifted in the early 1990s with Food and Drug Administration approval for a small pilot study on DMT, but it took another decade before studies of psychedelics began to pick up. Researchers are taking another look at drugs that alter consciousness, both to explore their potential role as a novel treatment for a variety of psychiatric or behavioral disorders and to study the effects that drug-induced mystical experiences may have on a healthy person’s life—and brain. “When I entered medical school in 1975, the topic of psychedelics was off the board. It was kind of a taboo area,” says Charles Grob, MD, a professor of psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences at the David Geffen School of Medicine at the University of California, Los Angeles, who conducted a 2011 pilot study on the use of psilocybin to treat anxiety in patients with terminal cancer. Now researchers such as Grob are following up on the treatment models developed in the ’50s and ’60s, especially for patients who don’t respond well to conventional therapies.

See also 6 Yoga Retreats to Help You Deal With Addiction

This opening of the vault—research has also picked up again in countries such as England, Spain, and Switzerland—has one big difference from studies done decades ago: Researchers use stringent controls and methods that have since become the norm (the older studies relied mostly on anecdotal accounts and observations that occurred under varying conditions). These days, scientists are also utilizing modern neuroimaging machines to get a glimpse into what happens in the brain. The results are preliminary but seem promising and suggest that just one or two doses of a psychedelic may be helpful in treating addictions (such as to cigarettes or alcohol), treatment-resistant depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and anxiety in patients with terminal cancer. “It’s not about the drug per se, it’s about the meaningful experience that one dose can generate,” says Anthony Bossis, PhD, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at New York University School of Medicine who conducted a 2016 study on the use of psilocybin for patients with cancer who were struggling with anxiety, depression, and existential distress (fear of ceasing to exist).

Spiritual experiences in particular are showing up in research summaries. The term “psychedelic” was coined by a British-Canadian psychiatrist during the 1950s and is a mashup of two ancient Greek words that together mean “mind revealing.” Psychedelics are also known as hallucinogens, although they don’t always produce hallucinations, and as entheogens, or substances that generate the divine. In the pilot study looking at the effects of DMT on healthy volunteers, University of New Mexico School of Medicine researchers summarized the typical participant experience as “more vivid and compelling than dreams or waking awareness.” In a study published in 2006 in the Journal of Psychopharmacology, researchers at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine gave a relatively high dose (30 mg) of psilocybin to healthy volunteers who’d never previously taken a hallucinogen and found that it could reliably evoke a mystical-type experience with substantial personal meaning for participants. About 70 percent of participants rated the psilocybin session as among the top five most spiritually significant experiences of their lives. In addition, the participants reported positive changes in mood and attitude about life and self—which persisted at a 14-month follow-up. Interestingly, core factors researchers used in determining whether a study participant had a mystical-type experience, also known as a peak experience or a spiritual epiphany, was their report of a sense of “unity” and “transcendence of time and space.” (See “What’s a Mystical Experience?” section below for the full list of how experts define one.)

In psilocybin studies for cancer distress, the patients who reported having a mystical experience while on the drug also scored higher in their reports of post-session benefits. “For people who are potentially dying of cancer, the ability to have a mystical experience where they describe experiencing self-transcendence and no longer solely identifying with their bodies is a profound gift,” says Bossis, also a clinical psychologist with a speciality in palliative care and a long interest in comparative religions. He describes his research as the study of “the scientific and the sacred.” In 2016 he published his findings on psilocybin for cancer patients in the Journal of Psychopharmacology, showing that a single psilocybin session led to improvement in anxiety and depression, a decrease in cancer-related demoralization and hopelessness, improved spiritual well-being, and increased quality of life—both immediately afterward and at a six-and-a-half-month follow-up. A study from Johns Hopkins produced similar results the same year. “The drug is out of your system in a matter of hours, but the memories and changes from the experience are often long-lasting,” Bossis says.

Learn if psychedelics complement a yoga practice or promote healing.

ANDREW BANNECKER

The Science of Spirituality

In addition to studying psilocybin-assisted therapy for cancer patients, Bossis is director of the NYU Psilocybin Religious Leaders Project (a sister project at Johns Hopkins is also in progress), which is recruiting religious leaders from different lineages—Christian clergy, Jewish rabbis, Zen Buddhist roshis, Hindu priests, and Muslim imams—and giving them high-dose psilocybin in order to study their accounts of the sessions and any effects the experience has on their spiritual practices. “They’re helping us describe the nature of the experience given their unique training and vernacular,” says Bossis, who adds that it’s too early to share results. The religious-leaders study is a new-wave version of the famous Good Friday Experiment at Boston University’s Marsh Chapel, conducted in 1962 by psychiatrist and minister Walter Pahnke. Pahnke was working on a PhD in religion and society at Harvard University and his experiment was overseen by members of the Department of Psychology, including psychologist Timothy Leary, who’d later become a notorious figure in the counterculture movement, and psychologist Richard Alpert, who’d later return from India as Ram Dass and introduce a generation to bhakti yoga and meditation. Pahnke wanted to explore whether using psychedelics in a religious setting could invoke a profound mystical experience, so at a Good Friday service his team gave 20 divinity students a capsule of either psilocybin or an active placebo, niacin. At least 8 of the 10 students who took the mushrooms reported a powerful mystical experience, compared to 1 of 10 in the control group. While the study was later criticized for failing to report an adverse event—a tranquilizer was administered to a distressed participant who left the chapel and refused to return—it was the first double-blind, placebo-controlled experiment with psychedelics. It also helped establish the terms “set” and “setting,” commonly used by researchers and recreational users alike. Set is the intention you bring to a psychedelic experience, and setting is the environment in which you take it.

“Set and setting are really critical in determining a positive outcome,” UCLA’s Grob says. “Optimizing set prepares an individual and helps them fully understand the range of effects they might have with a substance. It asks patients what their intention is and what they hope to get out of their experience. Setting is maintaining a safe and secure environment and having someone there who will adequately and responsibly monitor you.”

Bossis says most patients in the cancer studies set intentions for the session related to a better death or end of life—a sense of integrity, dignity, and resolution. Bossis encourages them to accept and directly face whatever is unfolding on psilocybin, even if it’s dark imagery or feelings of death, as is often the case for these study participants. “As counterintuitive as it sounds, I tell them to move into thoughts or experiences of dying—to go ahead. They won’t die physically, of course; it’s an experience of ego death and transcendence,” he says. “By moving into it, you’re directly learning from it and it typically changes to an insightful outcome. Avoiding it can only fuel it and makes it worse.”

In the research studies, the setting is a room in a medical center that’s made to look more like a living room. Participants lie on a couch, wear an eye mask and headphones (listening to mostly classical and instrumental music), and receive encouragement from their therapists to, for example, “go inward and accept the rise and fall of the experience.” Therapists are mostly quiet. They are there to monitor patients and assist them if they experience anything difficult or frightening, or simply want to talk.

“Even in clinical situations, the psychedelic really runs itself,” says Ram Dass, who is now 87 and lives in Maui. “I’m happy to see that this has been opened up and these researchers are doing their work from a legal place.”

The Shadow Side and How to Shift It

While all of this may sound enticing, psychedelic experiences may not be so reliably enlightening or helpful (or legal) when done recreationally, especially at a young age. Documentary filmmaker and rock musician Ben Stewart, who hosts the series Psychedelica on Gaia.com, describes his experiences using psychedelics, including mushrooms and LSD, as a teen as “pushing the boundaries in a juvenile way.” He says, “I wasn’t in a sacred place or even a place where I was respecting the power of the plant. I was just doing it whenever, and I had extremely terrifying experiences.” Years later in his films and research projects he started hearing about set and setting. “They’d say to bring an intention or ask a question and keep revisiting it throughout the journey. I was always given something more beautiful even if it took me to a dark place.”

Brigitte Mars, a professor of herbal medicine at Naropa University in Boulder, Colorado, teaches a “sacred psychoactives” class that covers the ceremonial use of psychedelics in ancient Greece, in Native American traditions, and as part of the shamanic path. “In a lot of indigenous cultures, young people had rites of passage in which they might be taken aside by a shaman and given a psychedelic plant or be told to go spend the night on a mountaintop. When they returned to the tribe, they’d be given more privileges since they’d gone through an initiation,” she says. Mars says LSD and mushrooms combined with prayer and intention helped put her on a path of healthy eating and yoga at a young age, and she strives to educate students about using psychedelics in a more responsible way, should they opt to partake in them. “This is definitely not supposed to be about going to a concert and getting as far out as possible. It can be an opportunity for growth and rebirth and to recalibrate your life. It’s a special occasion,” she says, adding, “psychedelics aren’t for everyone, and they aren’t a substitute for working on yourself.”

See also 4 Energy-Boosting Mushrooms (And How to Cook Them)

Tara Brach, PhD, a psychologist and the founder of Insight Meditation Community of Washington, DC, says she sees great healing potential for psychedelics, especially when paired with meditation and in clinical settings, but she warns about the risk of spiritual bypassing—using spiritual practices as a way to avoid dealing with difficult psychological issues that need attention and healing: “Mystical experience can be seductive. For some it creates the sense that this is the ‘fast track,’ and now that they’ve experienced mystical states, attention to communication, deep self-inquiry, or therapy and other forms of somatic healing are not necessary to grow.” She also says that recreational users don’t always give the attention to setting that’s needed to feel safe and uplifted. “Environments filled with noise and light pollution, distractions, and potentially insensitive and disturbing human interactions will not serve our well-being,” she says.

As these drugs edge their way back into contemporary pop culture, researchers warn about the medical and psychological dangers of recreational use, especially when it involves the mixing of two or more substances, including alcohol. “We had a wild degree of misuse and abuse in the ’60s, particularly among young people who were not adequately prepared and would take them under all sorts of adverse conditions,” Grob says. “These are very serious medicines that should only be taken for the most serious of purposes. I also think we need to learn from the anthropologic record about how to utilize these compounds in a safe manner. It wasn’t for entertainment, recreation, or sensation. It was to further strengthen an individual’s identity as part of his culture and society, and it facilitated greater social cohesion.”

Learn about the pyschedelic roots of yoga.

ANDREW BANNECKER

Yoga’s Psychedelic Roots

Anthropologists have discovered mushroom iconography in churches throughout the world. And some scholars make the case that psychoactive plants may have played a role in the early days of yoga tradition. The Rig Veda and the Upanishads (sacred Indian texts) describe a drink called soma (extract) or amrita (nectar of immortality) that led to spiritual visions. “It’s documented that yogis were essentially utilizing some brew, some concoction, to elicit states of transcendental awareness,” say Tias Little, a yoga teacher and founder of Prajna Yoga school in Santa Fe, New Mexico. He also points to Yoga Sutra 4.1, in which Patanjali mentions that paranormal attainments can be obtained through herbs and mantra.

“Psychotropic substances are powerful tools, and like all tools, they can cut both ways—helping or harming,” says Ganga White, author of Yoga Beyond Belief and MultiDimensional Yoga and founder of White Lotus Foundation in Santa Barbara, California. “If you look at anything you can see positive and negative uses. A medicine can be a poison and a poison can be a medicine—there’s a saying like this in the Bhagavad Gita.”

White’s first experience with psychedelics was at age 20. It was 1967 and he took LSD. “I was an engineering student servicing TVs and working on electronics. The next day I became a yogi,” he says. “I saw the life force in plants and the magnitude of beauty in nature. It set me on a spiritual path.” That year he started going to talks by a professor of comparative religion who told him that a teacher from India in the Sivananda lineage had come to the United States. White went to study with him, and he would later make trips to India to learn from other teachers. As his yoga practice deepened, White stopped using psychedelics. His first yoga teachers were adamantly anti-drug. “I was told that they would destroy your chakras and your astral body. I stopped everything, even coffee and tea,” he says. But within a decade, White began shifting his view on psychedelics again. He says he started to notice “duplicity, hypocrisy, and spiritual materialism” in the yoga world. And he no longer felt that psychedelic experiences were “analog to true experiences.” He started combining meditation and psychedelics. “I think an occasional mystic journey is a tune-up,” he says. “It’s like going to see a great teacher once in a while who always has new lessons.”

See also Chakra Tune-Up: Intro to the Muladhara

Meditation teacher Sally Kempton, author of Meditation for the Love of It, shares the sentiment. She says it was her use of psychedelics during the ’60s that served as a catalyst for her meditation practice and studies in the tantric tradition. “Everyone from my generation who had an awakening pretty much had it on a psychedelic. We didn’t have yoga studios yet,” she says. “I had my first awakening on acid. It was wildly dramatic because I was really innocent and had hardly done any spiritual reading. Having that experience of ‘everything is love’ was totally revelatory. When I began meditating, it was essentially for the purpose of getting my mind to become clear enough so that I could find that place that I knew was the truth, which I knew was love.” Kempton says she’s done LSD and Ayahuasca within the past decade for “psychological journeying,” which she describes as “looking into issues I find uncomfortable or that I’m trying to break through and understand.”

Little tried mushrooms and LSD at around age 20 and says he didn’t have any mystical experiences, yet he feels that they contributed to his openness in exploring meditation, literature, poetry, and music. “I was experimenting as a young person and there were a number of forces shifting my own sense of self-identity and self-worth. I landed on meditation as a way to sustain a kind of open awareness,” he says, noting that psychedelics are no longer part of his sadhana (spiritual path).

Going Beyond the Veil

After her first psychedelic experience on psilocybin, Griffin decided to join her friends for a journey weekend. On offer Friday night were “Rumi Blast” (a derivative of DMT) and “Sassafras,” which is similar to MDMA (Methylenedioxymethamphetamine, known colloquially as ecstasy or Molly). Saturday was LSD. Sunday was Ayahuasca. “Once I was there, I felt really open to the experience. It felt really safe and intentional—almost like the start of a yoga retreat,” she says. It began by smudging with sage and palo santo. After the ceremonial opening, Griffin inhaled the Rumi Blast. “I was lying down and couldn’t move my body but felt like a vibration was buzzing through me,” she says. After about five minutes—the length of a typical peak on DMT—she sat up abruptly. “I took a massive deep breath and it felt like remembrance of my first breath. It was so visceral.” Next up was Sassafras: “It ushered in love. We played music and danced and saw each other as beautiful souls.” Griffin originally planned to end the journey here, but after having such a connected experience the previously night, she decided to try LSD. “It was a hyper-color world. Plants and tables were moving. At one point I started sobbing and I felt like I was crying for the world. Two minutes felt like two hours,” she says. Exhausted and mentally tapped by Sunday, she opted out of the Ayahuasca tea. Reflecting on it now, she says, “The experiences will never leave me. Now when I look at a tree, it isn’t undulating or dancing like when I was on LSD, but I ask myself, ‘What am I not seeing that’s still there?’”

See also This 6-Minute Sound Bath Is About to Change Your Day for the Better

The Chemical Structure of Psychedelics

It was actually the psychedelic research of the 1950s that contributed to our understanding of the neurotransmitter serotonin, which regulates mood, happiness, social behavior, and more. Most of the classic psychedelics are serotonin agonists, meaning they activate serotonin receptors. (What’s actually happening during this activation is mostly unknown.)

Classic psychedelics are broken into two groups of organic compounds called alkaloids. One group is the tryptamines, which have a similar chemical structure to serotonin. The other group, the phenethylamines, are more chemically similar to dopamine, which regulates attention, learning, and emotional responses. Phenethylamines have effects on both dopamine and serotonin neurotransmitter systems. DMT (found in plants but also in trace amounts in animals), psilocybin, and LSD are tryptamines. Mescaline (derived from cacti, including peyote and San Pedro) is a phenethylamine. MDMA, originally developed by a pharmaceutical company, is also a phenethylamine, but scientists don’t classify it as a classic psychedelic because of its stimulant effects and “empathogenic” qualities that help a user bond with others. The classics, whether they come straight from nature (plant teas, whole mushrooms) or are semi-synthetic forms created in a lab (LSD tabs, psilocybin capsules), are catalysts for more inwardly focused personal experiences.

See also Try This Durga-Inspired Guided Meditation for Strength

“Classic psychedelics are physiologically well tolerated—with the exception of vomiting and diarrhea on Ayahuasca,” says Grob, who also studied Ayahuasca in Brazil during the 1990s. “But psychologically there are serious risks, particularly for people with underlying psychiatric conditions or a family history of major mental illness like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.” Psychedelics can cause fear, anxiety, or paranoia—which often resolves fairly quickly in the right set and setting, Grob says, but can escalate or lead to injuries in other scenarios. In extremely rare but terrifying cases, chronic psychosis, post-traumatic stress from a bad experience, or hallucinogen persisting perception disorder—ongoing visual disturbances, or “flashbacks”—can occur. (There have been no reports of any such problems in modern clinical trials with rigorous screening processes and controlled dosage and support.) Unlike the classic psychedelics, MDMA has serious cardiac risks in high doses and raises body temperature, which has led to cases of people overheating at music festivals and clubs. There’s also always the risk of adverse drug interactions. For example, combining Ayahuasca with SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) used to treat depression can lead to serotonin syndrome, which can cause a rise in body temperature and disorientation.

Learn how your brain is affected by drugs and meditation.

ANDREW BANNECKER

Your Brain on Drugs—and Meditation

Flora Baker, 30, a travel blogger from London, took Ayahuasca while visiting Brazil and the psychoactive cactus San Pedro while in Bolivia. “Part of the reason I was traveling in South America was an attempt to heal after the death of my mother. The ceremonies involved a lot of introspective thought about who I was without her, and what kind of woman I was becoming,” she says. “On Ayahuasca, my thoughts about my mom weren’t of her physical form, but her energy—as a spirit or life force that carried me and carries me onward, always, ever present within me and around. I’ve thought of these ideas in the past, but it was the first time I truly believed and understood them.” The experiences ended with a sense of peace and acceptance, and Baker says she’s sometimes able to access these same feelings in her daily meditation practice.

See also 10 Best Yoga and Meditation Books, According to 10 Top Yoga and Meditation Teachers

Baker’s and Griffin’s comparisons of certain insights or feelings they had on psychedelics to those one might get through meditation may have an explanation in modern neuroscience. To start, in a study of what happens in the brain during a psychedelic experience, researchers at Imperial College London gave participants psilocybin and scanned their brains. They found decreased activity in the medial prefrontal cortex and posterior cingulate cortex. These are key brain regions involved in the “default mode network,” or the brain circuits that help you maintain a sense of self and daydream. The researchers also found that reduced activity in default mode networks correlated with participants’ reports of “ego dissolution.”

When Judson Brewer, MD, PhD, then a researcher at Yale University, read the study in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences in 2012, he noticed that the brain scans looked strikingly similar to those of meditators in a study he’d published two months earlier in the same journal. In Brewer’s study, he’d put experienced meditators with more than a decade of practice into an fMRI machine, asked them to meditate, and found that the regions of the volunteers’ brains that tended to quiet down were also the medial prefrontal and posterior cingulate cortexes. (In the Yale study, meditators who were new to the practice did not show the same reductions.) Brewer, who is now director of research and innovation at Brown University’s Mindfulness Center, describes the default mode network as the “me network.” Activity spikes when you are thinking about something you need to do in the future, or when you’re ruminating over past regrets. “Deactivations in these brain regions line up with a selfless sense that people get. They let go of fears and protections and taking things personally. When that expands way, way out there, you lose a sense of where you end and where the rest of the world begins.”

Intrigued by the similarities in brain scans between people taking psychedelics and meditators, other researchers have started investigating whether the two practices might be complementary in clinical settings. In a study published last year in the Journal of Psychopharmacology, Johns Hopkins researchers took 75 people with little or no history of meditation and broke them into three groups. Those in the first group received a very low dose of psilocybin (1 mg) and were asked to commit to regular spiritual practices such as meditation, spiritual awareness practice, and journaling with just five hours of support. The second group got high-dose psilocybin (20–30 mg) and five hours of support, and the third group got high-dose psilocybin and 35 hours of support. After six months, both high-dose groups reported more-frequent spiritual practices and more gratitude than those in the low-dose group. In addition, those in the high-dose and high-support group reported higher ratings in finding meaning and sacredness in daily life.

Johns Hopkins is also researching the effects of psilocybin sessions on long-term meditators. Those with a lifetime average of about 5,800 hours of meditation, or roughly the equivalent of meditating an hour a day for 16 years, were, after careful preparations, given psilocybin, put in an fMRI machine, and asked to meditate. Psychologist Brach and her husband, Jonathan Foust, cofounder of the Meditation Teacher Training Institute in Washington, DC, and former president of the Kripalu Center for Yoga & Health, helped recruit volunteers for the study, and Foust participated in a preliminary stage. While on psilocybin, he did regular short periods of concentration practice, compassion practice, and open-awareness practice. He also spontaneously experienced an intense childhood memory.

“My brother is four years older than me. In the competition for our parents’ affection, attention, and love, he hated my guts. This is normal and natural, but I saw how I subconsciously took that message in and it informed my life. On psilocybin I simultaneously experienced the raw wounded feeling and an empathy and insight into where he was coming from,” Foust says. “During the height of the experience, they asked me how much negative emotion I was feeling on a scale of 1 to 10 and I said 10. Then, they asked about positive emotion and well-being and I said 10. It was kind of a soul-expanding insight that it’s possible to have consciousness so wide that it can hold the suffering and the bliss of the world.”

See also YJ Tried It: 30 Days of Guided Sleep Meditation

Foust started meditating at the age of 15 and he’s maintained a daily practice since then, including a couple of decades spent living in an ashram participating in intensive monthlong meditation retreats. “My meditation practice gave me some steadiness through all the waves of sensation and mood I was experiencing on psilocybin,” he says. “There were some artificial elements to it, but I came away with a much deeper trust in the essential liberation teachings in the Buddhist tradition. It verified my faith in all these practices that I’ve been doing my whole life.” Since the psilocybin study, he describes his meditation practice as “not as serious or grim,” and reflecting on this shift, he says, “I think my practice on some subtle level was informed by a desire to feel better, or to help me solve a problem, and I actually feel there is now more a sense of ease. I’m savoring my practice more and enjoying it more.”

Frederick Barrett, PhD, assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Johns Hopkins, presented preliminary findings with the long-term meditators and said that participants reported decreased mental effort and increased vividness when meditating. The meditators who reported having a mystical experience during the psilocybin-meditation had an accompanying acute drop in their default mode network.

Robin Carhart-Harris, PhD, head of psychedelic research at Imperial College London, has an “entropy hypothesis” for what happens in your brain on psychedelics. His theory is that as activity in your default mode network goes down, other regions of your brain, such as those responsible for feelings and memories, are able to communicate with one another much more openly and in a way that’s less predictable and more anarchical (entropy). What this all means is yet to be determined, but researchers speculate that when your default mode network comes back to full functionality, the new pathways forged during the psychedelic experience can help shift you into new patterns of thinking.

To Journey or Not to Journey?

In How to Change Your Mind, writer Michael Pollan explores the history of psychedelics and the research renaissance, and, immersion-journalism style, samples LSD, psilocybin, Ayahuasca (which he drank in a yoga studio), and 5-MeO-DMT (a form of DMT in toad venom). Reflecting on his experiences, he writes, “For me, the psychedelic experience opened a door to a specific mode of consciousness that I can now occasionally recapture in meditation… This strikes me as one of the great gifts of the experience they afford: the expansion of one’s repertoire of conscious states.”

In a special series on psychedelics published by the Journal of Humanistic Psychology in 2017, Ram Dass shared accounts of his experiences, including taking psilocybin for the first time at Leary’s house and sensing “pure consciousness and love,” and offering LSD to his guru Neem Karoli Baba, whom he calls Maharaj-ji, in India in 1967: “On two occasions my guru ingested very large doses of LSD that I gave him with no discernible effect. He said these substances were used by Himalayan yogis in the past, but the knowledge has been lost. He said LSD can take you into the room with Christ, but you can only stay for two hours. And while drugs can be useful, love is the best medicine.”

Reflecting on this guru’s comments about LSD and love, Ram Dass, co-author of Walking Each Other Home, says, “After that experience with Maharaj-ji, I meditated and didn’t take psychedelics for many years, but I’ve advised people starting out on the spiritual path that psychedelics are a legitimate entry point. It’s the beginning stages of consciousness expansion. I already did the beginning. Now I stay with my sadhana—love and service.”

Bossis says he’s struck by how many people talk about love during or after psilocybin sessions. “They speak about experiencing an incredible sense of love, often describing it as a foundation of consciousness,” he says. When participants ask him how to stay with these feelings of love and other aspects of the experience they had on psilocybin, he encourages them to consider exploring meditation and other contemplative practices.

See also Inside the ASMR Meditation People Are Calling a Brain Orgasm

“While altered states from psychedelics offer great potential for healing and spiritual awakening, they lack a key benefit of long-term meditation practice—integrating the experience in a way that creates a lasting shift from state to trait,” Brach says. “An altered state—such as an experience of pervading love—gives us a taste of who we are. It gives hope and meaning to our life. But regularly arriving in awake, open-hearted awareness though a natural process of meditation allows us to trust that this awareness is the very grounds of who we are.” She describes a meditation practice as a rewarding cycle: “The more meditation carries us home to what we love, the more we are motivated to pause and come into the stillness and silence of presence. This inner presence then expresses itself increasingly in our communications, thoughts, work, play, service, and creativity. The experiences of love, unity, and light are realized as present and available in all facets of life.”

A year after her experience with psychedelics, Griffin says she has no desire to do them again but is grateful for the experience. “I feel less afraid to die,” she says. “The journey weekend gave me a sense that we come from pure love and we are going to pure love.”

* NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED

What’s a mystical experience?

Whether it happens naturally or is brought on by a psychedelic, researchers define a mystical experience as having six key qualities:

• Sense of unity or oneness (interconnectedness of all people and things, all is one, pure consciousness)

• Strong sense of sacredness or reverence

• Noetic quality (a sense of encountering ultimate reality, often described as “more real than real”)

• Deeply felt positive mood (universal love, joy, peace)

• Transcendence of time and space (past and present collapse into the present moment)

• Ineffability (the experience is very hard to put into words)

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gethealthy18-blog · 5 years

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101 “I Love You” Quotes To Express How You Feel

New Post has been published on http://healingawerness.com/getting-healthy/getting-healthy-women/101-i-love-you-quotes-to-express-how-you-feel/

101 “I Love You” Quotes To Express How You Feel

Harini Natarajan Hyderabd040-395603080 June 28, 2019

George Sand said it right. “There is only one happiness in life. To love and be loved.”

But you know what’s very important to keep the love alive? Express it. Say it out loud. Sometimes, a simple ‘I love you so much’ can be enough. Sometimes, you need more!

Looking for quotes to tell them how special they are to you? We’ve got you covered! Here’s a round-up of 101 best “I love you” quotes.

101 Quotes To Say “I Love You”

“The hours I spend with you I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden, a dim twilight, and a fountain singing to it. You and you alone make me feel that I am alive. Other men it is said have seen angels, but I have seen thee and thou art enough.” – George Moore

“I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times, in life after life, in age after age forever.” – Rabindranath Tagore

“A kiss, when all is said, what is it? A rosy dot placed on the “i” in loving; ‘Tis a secret told to the mouth instead of to the ear.” – Edmond Rostand

“Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” – Emily Bronte

“The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.” – Alexandra Penney

“Love is a promise, love is a souvenir, once given never forgotten, never let it disappear.” – John Lennon

“Love makes the wildest spirit tame, and the tamest spirit wild.” – Alexis Delp

“Falling in love consists merely of uncorking the imagination and bottling the common–sense.” – Helen Rowland

“When you love someone, you love the whole person, just as he or she is, and not as you would like them to be.” – Leo Tolstoy

“When you like someone, you like them in spite of their faults. When you love someone, you love them with their faults.” – Elizabeth Cameron

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“True love is spelled G–I–V–E. It is not based on what you can get, but rooted in what you can give to the other person.” – Josh McDowell

“Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence.” – Vincent Van Gogh

“Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction.” – Antoine de Saint–Exupery

“Once you love, you cannot take it back, cannot undo it. What you felt may have changed, shifted slightly, yet still remains love.” – Whitney Otto

“The quickest way to receive love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.” – Anonymous

“All’s fair in love and war.” – Francis Edwards

“Love, like a river, will cut a new path whenever it meets an obstacle.” – Crystal Middlemas

“If I had one more night to live, I would want to spend it with you.” – Pearl Harbour

“When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.” – Dr. John Gray

“You know you are in love when you see the world in her eyes, and her eyes everywhere in the world.” – David Levesque

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“Love is strong yet delicate. It can be broken. To truly love is to understand this. To be in love is to respect this.” – Stephen Packer

“We sat side by side in the morning light and looked out at the future together.” – Brian Andres

“Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination.” – Francois Marie Arouet

“Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end.” – Anonymous

“The first duty of love — is to listen.” – Paul Tillich

“The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they’re still alive.” – A. Battista

“Love can never grow old. Locks may lose their brown and gold. Cheeks may fade and hollow grow. But the hearts that love will know, never winter’s frost and chill, summer’s warmth is in them still.” – Leo Buscaglia

“When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out.” – Elizabeth Bowen

“I never saw so sweet a face. As that I stood before. My heart has left its dwelling place … and can return no more.” – John Clare

“All that you are is all that I’ll ever need.” – Ed Sheeran

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“I love her, and that’s the beginning and end of everything.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

“Love recognizes no barriers.” – Maya Angelou

“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” – Aristotle

“We are most alive when we’re in love.” – John Updike

“The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.” – Blaise Pascal

“Love is friendship that has caught fire.” – Ann Sanders

“You can’t blame gravity for falling in love.” – Albert Einstein

“If you find someone you love in your life, then hang on to that love.” – Princess Diana

“I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.” – John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

“A simple “I love you” means more than money.” – Frank Sinatra

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“Everything I do, I do it for you.” – Bryan Adams

“… it’s a blessed thing to love and feel loved in return.” – E.A. Bucchianeri

“It’s easy to fall in love. The hard part is finding someone to catch you.” – Bertrand Russell

“Love is like a mountain, hard to climb, but once you get to the top the view is beautiful.” – Daniel Monroe Tuttle

“You’ll never really know when he really loves you till he looks you in the eyes, grabs your hand, and says it.” – Meg Rogers

“When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.” – William Shakespeare

“Love is not blind – It sees more and not less, but because it sees more it is willing to see less.” – Will Moss

“Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.” – Peter Ustinov

“Once in a while, in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale.” – Anonymous

“Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone. It’s not warm when she’s away. Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, and she’s always gone too long, anytime she goes away.” – Bill Withers

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“You Deserve Love, And You’ll Get It.” – Amy Poehler

“I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day.” – Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.” – Winnie The Pooh

“True love stories never have endings.” – Richard Bach

“There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do to make you feel my love.” – Bob Dylan

“Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” – Alfred, Lord Tennyson

“To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return.” – Madonna

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because the reality is finally better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

“The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.” – Audrey Hepburn

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“You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.” – Rhett Butler, Gone With the Wind

“I like you very much. Just as you are.” – Bridget Jones’s Diary

“Personally, I love a great love story.” – Meghan Markle

“Love is the flower; you’ve got to let it grow.” – John Lennon

“Maybe I don’t know that much but I know this much is true, I was blessed because I was loved by you.” – Celine Dion

“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” – When Harry Met Sally

“Love loves to love love.” – James Joyce

“Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.” – Zelda Fitzgerald

“Love is an endless act of forgiveness.” – Beyonce

“The smile is the beginning of love.” – Mother Teresa

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“Some love stories aren’t epic novels. Some are short stories, but that doesn’t make them any less filled with love.” – Sex & The City

“All you need is love.” – The Beatles

“Love was made for me and you.” – Nat King Cole

“I’d never lived before your love”.– Kelly Clarkson

“At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.” – Plato

“You had me at Hello!” – Jerry Maguire

“True love stories never have endings.” – Richard Bach

“Rare as is true love, true friendship is rarer.” – Jean de la Fontaine

“Two things you will never have to chase: True friends & true love.” – Mandy Hale

“True love will triumph in the end—which may or may not be a lie, but if it is a lie, it’s the most beautiful lie we have.” – John Green

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“True love bears all, endures all and triumphs!” – Dada Vaswani

“True love is selfless. It is prepared to sacrifice.” – Sadhu Vaswani

“True love is usually the most inconvenient kind.” – Kiera Cass

“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.” – Erich Segal

“True love lasts forever.” – Joseph B. Wirthlin

“True love, especially first love, can be so tumultuous and passionate that it feels like a violent journey.” – Holliday Grainger

“True love is eternal, infinite, and always like itself. It is equal and pure, without violent demonstrations: it is seen with white hairs and is always young in the heart.” – Honore de Balzac

“True love brings up everything – you’re allowing a mirror to be held up to you daily.” – Billy Graham

“True love doesn’t happen right away; it’s an ever-growing process. It develops after you’ve gone through many ups and downs, when you’ve suffered together, cried together, laughed together.” – Ricardo Montalban

“The course of true love never did run smooth.” – William Shakespeare

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“Life is a game and true love is a trophy.” – Rufus Wainwright

“True love cannot be found where it does not exist, nor can it be denied where it does.” – Torquato Tasso

“I love true love, and I’m a woman who wants to be married for a lifetime. That traditional life is something that I want.” – Ali Larter

“True love doesn’t come to you it has to be inside you.” – Julia Roberts

“True love is inexhaustible; the more you give, the more you have. And if you go to draw at the true fountainhead, the more water you draw, the more abundant is its flow.” – Antoine de Saint–Exupery

“True love, to me, is when she’s the first thought that goes through your head when you wake up and the last thought that goes through your head before you go to sleep.” – Justin Timberlake

“Love is pure and true; love knows no gender.” – Tori Spelling

“It can only be true love when you enable your other half to be better, to be the person they’re destined to be.” – Michelle Yeoh

“He felt now that he was not simply close to her, but that he did not know where he ended and she began.” – Leo Tolstoy

“You know, true love really matters, friends really matter, family really matters. Being responsible and disciplined and healthy really matters.” – Courtney Thorne–Smith

“Only true love can fuel the hard work that awaits you.” – Tom Freston

Which quote is your favorite from this compilation of quotes and sayings? Is there any popular one we missed out? Let us know in the comments below!

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patheticphallacy · 5 years

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Another instalment of ‘how cheesy can Connie get’- MY FAVOURITE ROMANCE FILMS.

I have watched a lot of films- a large amount of them romances- so I figured I’m kind of a burgeoning expert on what romances are actually good, and which are overrated [sorry, The Notebook just isn’t as great as people like to say].

While some of these may not technically be romances straight up, the romance elements are my favourite parts, so I’ve placed an emphasis on that in this post.

Before Sunrise dir. Richard Linklater

This is the first installment in a series of films following the same couple. In Before Sunrise, a French student and an American spend a night together in Vienna getting to know each other. It’s very pretentious, but I swear, you’ll fall in love with these two without even realising!

When Harry Met Sally dir. Rob Reiner

Truly an Iconique film starring Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan as best friends, starting from the first time they meet [making a trip to New York together after the graduate] and picking up several years later when they bump into each other again. It’s honestly very wholesome, if you ignore the weird age gap where they try to make Billy Crystal seem younger but in reality just making him seem even older.

Ever After dir. Andy Tennant

Ever After is a retelling of Cinderella set in France, following Danielle [Drew Barrymore] who begins to break free from the confines of her abusive stepmother after meeting the charming Prince Henry. This is one of my all time favourite period movies, besides Pride and Prejudice, and I adore it. Put Your Arms Around Me is a BOP, and that scene where Danielle picks Henry up still gives me life. Also Leonardo da Vinci is in it? It’s dope.

The Edge of Seventeen dir. Kelly Fremon Craig

Hailee Steinfeld KILLED me with her performance in this film. She plays Nadine, ailing teenager whose childhood best friend- and only friend- starts dating her older brother Darian, leaving her alone and struggling to find a new place for herself. Nadine has an adorable relationship develop with Erwin, whom I love and adore with all my heart, and this works perfectly for people looking for a film that examines all kinds of relationships- brother and sister, mother and daughter, friendships including those with teachers- as well as how damaging losing your loved ones can be.

Tangled dir. Byron Howard, Nathan Greno

Disney peaked when they created Flynn Rider. Rapunzel finds herself setting out of her tower to see the floating lanterns on her birthday, helped by a chameleon, a horse, a bunch of ruffians, and Flynn Rider, thief and love of my childhood self’s life. Their romance is ADORABLE.

Wall-E dir. Andrew Stanton

After Earth has been abandoned for 700 years, waste lifter Wall-E is the last robot left and, after so long alone, has developed a personality. After meeting EVE, sent on a scanning mission to find life on Earth, Wall-E follows her across the galaxy and makes an impression on everyone he meets along the way. If you didn’t cry at the final scene between Eve and Wall-E in this, you don’t have a heart!

Pride and Prejudice dir. Joe Wright

As much as I love the BBC adaptation and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, this one trumps all. It’s a classic! Elizabeth Bennet [Keira Knightley] meets Mr Darcy at a ball. He sticks his foot in his mouth, repeatedly, while Elizabeth deals with her own family drama. It’s adorable, and Matthew Macfadyen is a national treasure for playing Mr Darcy as such an anxious and socially awkward guy. Keira Knightley is, as per usual, beautiful.

UP dir. Pete Docter, Bob Peterson

I can’t even write about the relationship in this without crying. I’m crying as I write about how I won’t write about it. If you haven’t watched this, watch it. I want someone to love me this much one day.

Beautiful Thing dir. Hettie MacDonald

The reason there aren’t more LGBT+ films on this list is that I’m planning a whole recommendation series in June and July for PRIDE. This one is a special one, though. It’s the first LGBT+ film I ever watched, following Jamie and Ste, two boys who live on a council estate who fall for each other. It’s so fucking CUTE, you have no idea. Shirley and Kim from Eastenders are in it! It’s iconic and so, so British. The final scene is the reason I want Dream a Little Dream to be my dance song at my wedding one day.

Four Weddings and a Funeral dir. Mike Newell

Who cares about Hugh Grant when there’s literally every other relationship in this film? John Hannah personally came into my home when I was 11 years old and made me sob like a baby, and continues to do so every time I watch this. It is really sad- fair warning- but it’s so moving and has some great approaches to relationships.

10 Things I Hate About You dir. Gil Junger

YOU’RE JUST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE…………….. this is the only version of Taming of the Shrew that matters, and that includes the original play, because nobody loses sight of who they really are for the sake of romance. Bianca Stratford can’t date until her older sister, Kat, does. In comes Patrick Verona who, after being offered money, agrees to date Kat, and proceeds to falls head over heels for her. I cried so much at the English speech scene, you have no idea!

Dirty Dancing dir. Emile Ardolino

This is the only progressive sixties set movie we need. Teenager Baby goes to a resort with her parents for the summer, and finds herself growing closer with Johnny, the resort’s dance instructor. Their relationship is beautiful. It’s surprisingly healthy, considering other movies set in this era [Grease, I’m looking at you], and I love how much these characters bring each other up with their love and show each other how valuable they really are. WHOLESOME.

+1: 13 Going on 30 dir. Gary Winick, which I literally only just watched, and adore, and I can’t believe I only watched this film for the first time aged 19!

+2, I guess: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang dir. Shane Black, the king of all buddy cop romances, lets be real. If Harry and Gay [it’s really his name] aren’t actually dating in the final scene of this film, I’ll eat my whole hat! I dare you to watch this and say I’m imagining these two are dating the whole time. Exactly like The Nice Guys.

And those are my picks! I love romance, especially romance films, so I’d really dig it if you recommended me some.

Thank you for reading, and happy valentine’s day!

Film Friday//Favourite Romance Films Another instalment of 'how cheesy can Connie get'- MY FAVOURITE ROMANCE FILMS. I have watched a lot of films- a large amount of them romances- so I figured I'm kind of a burgeoning expert on what romances are actually good, and which are overrated .

#animation #film #film friday #live action #movies #romance #romance films #romcom #valentines day

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cedarrrun · 5 years

Link

Psychedlics are having a moment. Psychiatrists are administering magic mushrooms in medical centers while yogis host ceremonies with psychoactive tea. This resurgence in research and recreational use may have something to teach us about spiritual enlightenment. Here, we explore the potential role of psychedelics within a yoga practice or as therapeutic treatment.

Top yoga and meditation teachers Sally Kempton and Ram Dass share their personal experiences with psychedelics as we explore the latest trends in research and recreational use.

See also This is the Reason I Take the Subway 45 Minutes Uptown to Work Out—Even Though There’s a Gym On My Block

Another Trip with Psychedelics

See also 6 Yoga Retreats to Help You Deal With Addiction

Spiritual experiences in particular are showing up in research summaries. The term “psychedelic” was coined by a British-Canadian psychiatrist during the 1950s and is a mashup of two ancient Greek words that together mean “mind revealing.” Psychedelics are also known as hallucinogens, although they don’t always produce hallucinations, and as entheogens, or substances that generate the divine. In the pilot study looking at the effects of DMT on healthy volunteers, University of New Mexico School of Medicine researchers summarized the typical participant experience as “more vivid and compelling than dreams or waking awareness.” In a study published in 2006 in the Journal of Psychopharmacology, researchers at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine gave a relatively high dose (30 mg) of psilocybin to healthy volunteers who’d never previously taken a hallucinogen and found that it could reliably evoke a mystical-type experience with substantial personal meaning for participants. About 70 percent of participants rated the psilocybin session as among the top five most spiritually significant experiences of their lives. In addition, the participants reported positive changes in mood and attitude about life and self—which persisted at a 14-month follow-up. Interestingly, core factors researchers used in determining whether a study participant had a mystical-type experience, also known as a peak experience or a spiritual epiphany, was their report of a sense of “unity” and “transcendence of time and space.” (See “What’s a Mystical Experience?” on page 59 for the full list of how experts define one.)

Learn if psychedelics complement a yoga practice or promote healing.

The Science of Spirituality

The Shadow Side and How to Shift It

See also 4 Energy-Boosting Mushrooms (And How to Cook Them)

Learn about the pyschedelic roots of yoga.

Yoga’s Psychedelic Roots

“Psychotropic substances are powerful tools, and like all tools, they can cut both ways—helping or harming,” says Ganga White, author of Yoga Beyond Belief and founder of White Lotus Foundation in Santa Barbara, California. “If you look at anything you can see positive and negative uses. A medicine can be a poison and a poison can be a medicine—there’s a saying like this in the Bhagavad Gita.”

See also Chakra Tune-Up: Intro to the Muladhara

Going Beyond the Veil

See also This 6-Minute Sound Bath Is About to Change Your Day for the Better

The Chemical Structure of Psychedelics

See also Try This Durga-Inspired Guided Meditation for Strength

Learn how your brain is affected by drugs and meditation.

Your Brain on Drugs—and Meditation

See also 10 Best Yoga and Meditation Books, According to 10 Top Yoga and Meditation Teachers

See also YJ Tried It: 30 Days of Guided Sleep Meditation

To Journey or Not to Journey?

In How to Change Your Mind, writer Michael Pollan explores the history of psychedelics and the research renaissance, and, immersion-journalism style, samples LSD, psilocybin, Ayahuasca (which he drank in a yoga studio), and 5-MeO-DMT (a form of DMT in toad venom). Reflecting on his experiences, he writes, “For me, the psychedelic experience opened a door to a specific mode of consciousness that I can now occasionally recapture in meditation... This strikes me as one of the great gifts of the experience they afford: the expansion of one’s repertoire of conscious states.”

See also Inside the ASMR Meditation People Are Calling a Brain Orgasm

* NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED

What’s a mystical experience?

Whether it happens naturally or is brought on by a psychedelic, researchers define a mystical experience as having six key qualities:

• Sense of unity or oneness (interconnectedness of all people and things, all is one, pure consciousness)

• Strong sense of sacredness or reverence

• Noetic quality (a sense of encountering ultimate reality, often described as “more real than real”)

• Deeply felt positive mood (universal love, joy, peace)

• Transcendence of time and space (past and present collapse into the present moment)

• Ineffability (the experience is very hard to put into words)

#sleep sounds #sleep music #white noise app #nature sounds #relaxing sounds #rain sounds for sleeping

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chocolate-brownies · 5 years

Text

Would You Consider Trying Psychedelics to Take Your Practice to Another Level?

Would You Consider Trying Psychedelics to Take Your Practice to Another Level?:

Top yoga and meditation teachers Sally Kempton and Ram Dass share their personal experiences with psychedelics as we explore the latest trends in research and recreational use.

When a friend invited Maya Griffin* to a “journeyweekend”—two or three days spent taking psychedelics in hopes of experiencing profound insights or a spiritual awakening—she found herself considering it. “Drugs were never on my radar,” says Griffin, 39, of New York City. “At an early age, I got warnings from my parents that drugs may have played a role in bringing on a family member’s mental illness. Beyond trying pot a couple times in college, I didn’t touch them.” But then Griffin met Julia Miller* in a yoga class, and after about a year of friendship, Miller began sharing tales from her annual psychedelic weekends. She’d travel with friends to rental houses in various parts of the United States where a “medicine man” from California would join them and administer mushrooms, LSD, and other psychedelics. Miller would tell Griffin about experiences on these “medicines” that had helped her feel connected to the divine. She’d talk about being in meditative-like bliss states and feeling pure love.

See also This is the Reason I Take the Subway 45 Minutes Uptown to Work Out—Even Though There’s a Gym On My Block

Another Trip with Psychedelics

See also 6 Yoga Retreats to Help You Deal With Addiction

Spiritual experiences in particular are showing up in research summaries. The term “psychedelic” was coined by a British-Canadian psychiatrist during the 1950s and is a mashup of two ancient Greek words that together mean “mind revealing.” Psychedelics are also known as hallucinogens, although they don’t always produce hallucinations, and as entheogens, or substances that generate the divine. In the pilot study looking at the effects of DMT on healthy volunteers, University of New Mexico School of Medicine researchers summarized the typical participant experience as “more vivid and compelling than dreams or waking awareness.” In a study published in 2006 in the Journal of Psychopharmacology, researchers at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine gave a relatively high dose (30 mg) of psilocybin to healthy volunteers who’d never previously taken a hallucinogen and found that it could reliably evoke a mystical-type experience with substantial personal meaning for participants. About 70 percent of participants rated the psilocybin session as among the top five most spiritually significant experiences of their lives. In addition, the participants reported positive changes in mood and attitude about life and self—which persisted at a 14-month follow-up. Interestingly, core factors researchers used in determining whether a study participant had a mystical-type experience, also known as a peak experience or a spiritual epiphany, was their report of a sense of “unity” and “transcendence of time and space.” (See “What’s a Mystical Experience?” on page 59 for the full list of how experts define one.)

Learn if psychedelics complement a yoga practice or promote healing.

The Science of Spirituality

The Shadow Side and How to Shift It

See also 4 Energy-Boosting Mushrooms (And How to Cook Them)

Learn about the pyschedelic roots of yoga.

Yoga’s Psychedelic Roots

See also Chakra Tune-Up: Intro to the Muladhara

Going Beyond the Veil

See also This 6-Minute Sound Bath Is About to Change Your Day for the Better

The Chemical Structure of Psychedelics

See also Try This Durga-Inspired Guided Meditation for Strength

Learn how your brain is affected by drugs and meditation.

Your Brain on Drugs—and Meditation

See also 10 Best Yoga and Meditation Books, According to 10 Top Yoga and Meditation Teachers

Intrigued by the similarities in brain scans between people taking psychedelics and meditators, other researchers have started investigating whether the two practices might be complementary in clinical settings. In a study published last year in theJournal of Psychopharmacology, Johns Hopkins researchers took 75 people with little or no history of meditation and broke them into three groups. Those in the first group received a very low dose of psilocybin (1 mg) and were asked to commit to regular spiritual practices such as meditation, spiritual awareness practice, and journaling with just five hours of support. The second group got high-dose psilocybin (20–30 mg) and five hours of support, and the third group got high-dose psilocybin and 35 hours of support. After six months, both high-dose groups reported more-frequent spiritual practices and more gratitude than those in the low-dose group. In addition, those in the high-dose and high-support group reported higher ratings in finding meaning and sacredness in daily life.

See also YJ Tried It: 30 Days of Guided Sleep Meditation

To Journey or Not to Journey?

See also Inside the ASMR Meditation People Are Calling a Brain Orgasm

* NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED

What’s a mystical experience?

Whether it happens naturally or is brought on by a psychedelic, researchers define a mystical experience as having six key qualities:

• Sense of unity or oneness (interconnectedness of all people and things, all is one, pure consciousness)

• Strong sense of sacredness or reverence

• Noetic quality (a sense of encountering ultimate reality, often described as “more real than real”)

• Deeply felt positive mood (universal love, joy, peace)

• Transcendence of time and space (past and present collapse into the present moment)

• Ineffability (the experience is very hard to put into words)

0 notes

krisiunicornio · 5 years

Link

Top yoga and meditation teachers Sally Kempton and Ram Dass share their personal experiences with psychedelics as we explore the latest trends in research and recreational use.

See also This is the Reason I Take the Subway 45 Minutes Uptown to Work Out—Even Though There’s a Gym On My Block

Another Trip with Psychedelics

See also 6 Yoga Retreats to Help You Deal With Addiction

Spiritual experiences in particular are showing up in research summaries. The term “psychedelic” was coined by a British-Canadian psychiatrist during the 1950s and is a mashup of two ancient Greek words that together mean “mind revealing.” Psychedelics are also known as hallucinogens, although they don’t always produce hallucinations, and as entheogens, or substances that generate the divine. In the pilot study looking at the effects of DMT on healthy volunteers, University of New Mexico School of Medicine researchers summarized the typical participant experience as “more vivid and compelling than dreams or waking awareness.” In a study published in 2006 in the Journal of Psychopharmacology, researchers at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine gave a relatively high dose (30 mg) of psilocybin to healthy volunteers who’d never previously taken a hallucinogen and found that it could reliably evoke a mystical-type experience with substantial personal meaning for participants. About 70 percent of participants rated the psilocybin session as among the top five most spiritually significant experiences of their lives. In addition, the participants reported positive changes in mood and attitude about life and self—which persisted at a 14-month follow-up. Interestingly, core factors researchers used in determining whether a study participant had a mystical-type experience, also known as a peak experience or a spiritual epiphany, was their report of a sense of “unity” and “transcendence of time and space.” (See “What’s a Mystical Experience?” on page 59 for the full list of how experts define one.)

Learn if psychedelics complement a yoga practice or promote healing.

The Science of Spirituality

The Shadow Side and How to Shift It

See also 4 Energy-Boosting Mushrooms (And How to Cook Them)

Learn about the pyschedelic roots of yoga.

Yoga’s Psychedelic Roots

See also Chakra Tune-Up: Intro to the Muladhara

Going Beyond the Veil

See also This 6-Minute Sound Bath Is About to Change Your Day for the Better

The Chemical Structure of Psychedelics

See also Try This Durga-Inspired Guided Meditation for Strength

Learn how your brain is affected by drugs and meditation.

Your Brain on Drugs—and Meditation

See also 10 Best Yoga and Meditation Books, According to 10 Top Yoga and Meditation Teachers

See also YJ Tried It: 30 Days of Guided Sleep Meditation

To Journey or Not to Journey?

In How to Change Your Mind, writer Michael Pollan explores the history of psychedelics and the research renaissance, and, immersion-journalism style, samples LSD, psilocybin, Ayahuasca (which he drank in a yoga studio), and 5-MeO-DMT (a form of DMT in toad venom). Reflecting on his experiences, he writes, “For me, the psychedelic experience opened a door to a specific mode of consciousness that I can now occasionally recapture in meditation... This strikes me as one of the great gifts of the experience they afford: the expansion of one’s repertoire of conscious states.”

See also Inside the ASMR Meditation People Are Calling a Brain Orgasm

* NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED

What’s a mystical experience?

Whether it happens naturally or is brought on by a psychedelic, researchers define a mystical experience as having six key qualities:

• Sense of unity or oneness (interconnectedness of all people and things, all is one, pure consciousness)

• Strong sense of sacredness or reverence

• Noetic quality (a sense of encountering ultimate reality, often described as “more real than real”)

• Deeply felt positive mood (universal love, joy, peace)

• Transcendence of time and space (past and present collapse into the present moment)

• Ineffability (the experience is very hard to put into words)

#sleep sounds #sleep music #white noise app #nature sounds #relaxing sounds #rain sounds for sleeping

0 notes

amyddaniels · 5 years

Text

Would You Consider Trying Psychedelics to Take Your Practice to Another Level?

Top yoga and meditation teachers Sally Kempton and Ram Dass share their personal experiences with psychedelics as we explore the latest trends in research and recreational use.

See also This is the Reason I Take the Subway 45 Minutes Uptown to Work Out—Even Though There’s a Gym On My Block

Another Trip with Psychedelics

See also 6 Yoga Retreats to Help You Deal With Addiction

Spiritual experiences in particular are showing up in research summaries. The term “psychedelic” was coined by a British-Canadian psychiatrist during the 1950s and is a mashup of two ancient Greek words that together mean “mind revealing.” Psychedelics are also known as hallucinogens, although they don’t always produce hallucinations, and as entheogens, or substances that generate the divine. In the pilot study looking at the effects of DMT on healthy volunteers, University of New Mexico School of Medicine researchers summarized the typical participant experience as “more vivid and compelling than dreams or waking awareness.” In a study published in 2006 in the Journal of Psychopharmacology, researchers at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine gave a relatively high dose (30 mg) of psilocybin to healthy volunteers who’d never previously taken a hallucinogen and found that it could reliably evoke a mystical-type experience with substantial personal meaning for participants. About 70 percent of participants rated the psilocybin session as among the top five most spiritually significant experiences of their lives. In addition, the participants reported positive changes in mood and attitude about life and self—which persisted at a 14-month follow-up. Interestingly, core factors researchers used in determining whether a study participant had a mystical-type experience, also known as a peak experience or a spiritual epiphany, was their report of a sense of “unity” and “transcendence of time and space.” (See “What’s a Mystical Experience?” on page 59 for the full list of how experts define one.)

Learn if psychedelics complement a yoga practice or promote healing.

The Science of Spirituality

The Shadow Side and How to Shift It

See also 4 Energy-Boosting Mushrooms (And How to Cook Them)

Learn about the pyschedelic roots of yoga.

Yoga’s Psychedelic Roots

See also Chakra Tune-Up: Intro to the Muladhara

Going Beyond the Veil

See also This 6-Minute Sound Bath Is About to Change Your Day for the Better

The Chemical Structure of Psychedelics

See also Try This Durga-Inspired Guided Meditation for Strength

Learn how your brain is affected by drugs and meditation.

Your Brain on Drugs—and Meditation

See also 10 Best Yoga and Meditation Books, According to 10 Top Yoga and Meditation Teachers

See also YJ Tried It: 30 Days of Guided Sleep Meditation

To Journey or Not to Journey?

In How to Change Your Mind, writer Michael Pollan explores the history of psychedelics and the research renaissance, and, immersion-journalism style, samples LSD, psilocybin, Ayahuasca (which he drank in a yoga studio), and 5-MeO-DMT (a form of DMT in toad venom). Reflecting on his experiences, he writes, “For me, the psychedelic experience opened a door to a specific mode of consciousness that I can now occasionally recapture in meditation... This strikes me as one of the great gifts of the experience they afford: the expansion of one’s repertoire of conscious states.”

See also Inside the ASMR Meditation People Are Calling a Brain Orgasm

* NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED

What’s a mystical experience?

Whether it happens naturally or is brought on by a psychedelic, researchers define a mystical experience as having six key qualities:

• Sense of unity or oneness (interconnectedness of all people and things, all is one, pure consciousness)

• Strong sense of sacredness or reverence

• Noetic quality (a sense of encountering ultimate reality, often described as “more real than real”)

• Deeply felt positive mood (universal love, joy, peace)

• Transcendence of time and space (past and present collapse into the present moment)

• Ineffability (the experience is very hard to put into words)

0 notes

remedialmassage · 5 years

Text

Would You Consider Trying Psychedelics to Take Your Practice to Another Level?

Top yoga and meditation teachers Sally Kempton and Ram Dass share their personal experiences with psychedelics as we explore the latest trends in research and recreational use.

See also This is the Reason I Take the Subway 45 Minutes Uptown to Work Out—Even Though There’s a Gym On My Block

Another Trip with Psychedelics

See also 6 Yoga Retreats to Help You Deal With Addiction

Spiritual experiences in particular are showing up in research summaries. The term “psychedelic” was coined by a British-Canadian psychiatrist during the 1950s and is a mashup of two ancient Greek words that together mean “mind revealing.” Psychedelics are also known as hallucinogens, although they don’t always produce hallucinations, and as entheogens, or substances that generate the divine. In the pilot study looking at the effects of DMT on healthy volunteers, University of New Mexico School of Medicine researchers summarized the typical participant experience as “more vivid and compelling than dreams or waking awareness.” In a study published in 2006 in the Journal of Psychopharmacology, researchers at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine gave a relatively high dose (30 mg) of psilocybin to healthy volunteers who’d never previously taken a hallucinogen and found that it could reliably evoke a mystical-type experience with substantial personal meaning for participants. About 70 percent of participants rated the psilocybin session as among the top five most spiritually significant experiences of their lives. In addition, the participants reported positive changes in mood and attitude about life and self—which persisted at a 14-month follow-up. Interestingly, core factors researchers used in determining whether a study participant had a mystical-type experience, also known as a peak experience or a spiritual epiphany, was their report of a sense of “unity” and “transcendence of time and space.” (See “What’s a Mystical Experience?” on page 59 for the full list of how experts define one.)

Learn if psychedelics complement a yoga practice or promote healing.

The Science of Spirituality

The Shadow Side and How to Shift It

See also 4 Energy-Boosting Mushrooms (And How to Cook Them)

Learn about the pyschedelic roots of yoga.

Yoga’s Psychedelic Roots

See also Chakra Tune-Up: Intro to the Muladhara

Going Beyond the Veil

See also This 6-Minute Sound Bath Is About to Change Your Day for the Better

The Chemical Structure of Psychedelics

See also Try This Durga-Inspired Guided Meditation for Strength

Learn how your brain is affected by drugs and meditation.

Your Brain on Drugs—and Meditation

See also 10 Best Yoga and Meditation Books, According to 10 Top Yoga and Meditation Teachers

See also YJ Tried It: 30 Days of Guided Sleep Meditation

To Journey or Not to Journey?

In How to Change Your Mind, writer Michael Pollan explores the history of psychedelics and the research renaissance, and, immersion-journalism style, samples LSD, psilocybin, Ayahuasca (which he drank in a yoga studio), and 5-MeO-DMT (a form of DMT in toad venom). Reflecting on his experiences, he writes, “For me, the psychedelic experience opened a door to a specific mode of consciousness that I can now occasionally recapture in meditation... This strikes me as one of the great gifts of the experience they afford: the expansion of one’s repertoire of conscious states.”

See also Inside the ASMR Meditation People Are Calling a Brain Orgasm

* NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED

What’s a mystical experience?

Whether it happens naturally or is brought on by a psychedelic, researchers define a mystical experience as having six key qualities:

• Sense of unity or oneness (interconnectedness of all people and things, all is one, pure consciousness)

• Strong sense of sacredness or reverence

• Noetic quality (a sense of encountering ultimate reality, often described as “more real than real”)

• Deeply felt positive mood (universal love, joy, peace)

• Transcendence of time and space (past and present collapse into the present moment)

• Ineffability (the experience is very hard to put into words)

from Yoga Journal http://bit.ly/2RHZqFV

#Yoga Journal

0 notes