doing my research data entry, listening to Stars's album No One Is Lost which was (and especially the titular, final song, was) my big Widowtracer music back when I was into Overwatch. And that is reminding me of how much what I liked about the Overwatch characters and lore was stuff that I made up - not even, necessarily, stuff the fandom made up (which was most of it - Overwatch lore was not good) but my own idiosynctratic preferences for ship dynamics.
At least I was into Reaper76 in the same way a lot of other people were, and Reaper/76/Ana the way a few of my other friends were. McHanzo and McGenji were hit-or-miss, McCree (back when he was McCree) & Pharah's sibling relationship prevalent but rarely a focus. But I never really found a lot that satisfied me about Widowmaker/Tracer, because I had such a specific view of what I wanted from them. One I made up because there really was not much there at all.
What I liked about the idea of them was Tracer moving fast staying bright in an attempt to outrun fear and fatalism and collapse by being aggressively optimistic; contrasted against Widowmaker who had accepted it all dully. Tracer desperate to prove that there was something left of Amelie in there, that she could be brought back. That she could be saved. That no one is lost. Proof that things could be okay in the wake of a shakeup in her world order that cast her adrift. That her world could make sense again.
Thinking about it, I'm continuously compelled by characters who are projecting their issues all over each other; especially in the manner of, I feel lost, hopeless, hurt, terrible, irredeemable. I don't believe I have a future, or can ever change, or have a place anymore, or atone for what I did, or can come back from this, or can be loved, or can be saved. But you're in a way worse mess than me, so I'm making it my project to save you, because if I can prove you can... that you can be better, that you can have a future, that you can belong, that you can atone, that you can be loved, that you can be saved... then maybe I can, too. I have to believe that, and that's why I believe in you when you've been written off and have written yourself off. And I'm going to keep reaching out.
And then I discovered Metal Gear Solid and it had a lot of the character dynamics I liked in my made-up headcanon Overwatch actually present in the text. I didn't have to make it up, it was actually there and intentionally and competently written. I was still kind of reading this dynamic into Snake and Meryl (still convinced they were projecting their issues about being loved and being abandoned all over each other in MGS1 and mistaking that for attraction) but a lot of what I liked about Reaper76 and McGenji and McHanzo and stuff was just... there.
And then I got into Wolf 359 where this redemption-by-proxy projection is just straight up textually what's happening between Eiffel and Hilbert. So: getting into fandoms for better written things with what I actually wanted in them is part of the solution here.
But also it was my Widowtracer experience that made me go, I am basically just making up my own character goals and interactions here. Why am I bothering to make it fanwork when it's basically an original story.
I never did put that anywhere. But women desperate to save each other, women desperate to prove they can be saved by saving each other, and women who have the nagging fear that they were wrong doing the evil version of this and trying to seek vindication and absolution through each other do crop up again and again in my imagination. Maybe I should pin that down sometime and give my headcanon Widowtracer the story they deserve.
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I am such a sap for your vashmeryl thoughts
They truly make me so soft. 🥺 I am so here for that healing hurt/comfort and strength of a bond that endures past unspeakable (monstrous) horrors & unforgiving tragedy, representing some of the best faith in humanity. To choose to bravely love, accept, trust, and encourage hope in spite of a cruel world, determined and reminding to find what matters again no matter how hard it gets....and stay silly. <3
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