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gayerthanthee · 3 years

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'get to know me' tag game

Rules: answer the questions and tag people you'd like to get to know better.

Tagged by: my recent friend @heyheysey who shocked me in the notifs when i saw her actually tag me-- i really need to get used to having mutuals :O

Tagging: @raineyclouds @screaming-garbagemouth @mizuraisu @yourlocalmusicalprostitute and this is a desperate one but also @bohemian-napsodyy pls come back bby, i hope you're safe. i miss you so bad <33

also, there are some parts where i mention and talked about gender dysphoria & crisis, and death of a loved one. if it's triggering pls go on and don't read.

What do you prefer to be called name-wise?

Cas or Xan (like sah-n)

When is your birthday?

january 9

Where do you live?

the Philippines

Three things you are doing right now:

watching videos about genderfluid people

contemplating about the places I'll be in the future

downing 3 cups of water before bed (hydrating is sexc. do it pls.)

Four fandoms that have piqued your interest?

marvel - my childhood sweetheart, but i've only become really immersed during 2016! not as active anymore about it though.

queen - i always heard my parents play songs before year '90 when i was young, and what really stuck with me was listening to this band and their many songs and concerts. i joined the hype when the movie about them dropped at 2018. not much active anymore on that too.

bnha - i always saw this around but?? i only got in sometime last year or mid 2018 and religiously went binge-reading the manga during the highs of pandemic because distracting yourself from self-deteriorating thoughts is sexy. take it from me.

haikyuu - this was a random one. i knew this longer than bnha because it's popular but it wasn't as interesting to me before. but then i saw that many of the blogs i follow like hq too and then they make content and then the rest is history. i started maybe last month, haven't read the manga yet but i weirdly know things already.

How has the pandemic been treating you?

everything is constantly crazy thank you for asking. wouldn't have it any other way though.

A song you can't stop listening to right now?

Forget You by CeeLo Green

How old are you?

(UPDATE: yeah i now feel uncomfy sharing this info but yeet it's gone now srry)

School, university, occupation, other?

hope i was extra enough to excel the first semester in senior high. self-learning is difficult when you have all the time in the house to ✨succumb to vulnerable thoughts✨

Do you prefer heat or cold?

i prefer the heat. although a cold environment is really convenient especially in our country, i prefer the warmth because of the comfort it brings, along with keeping me grounded.

Name one fact others may not know about you:

I haven't exactly coped over my uncle's passing and I don't know if i did anything about it. i remember the times he was healthy and feel regret each time because i was such an ass of a kid to him back then that i think i made his life harder than what he actually deserved. he messaged me a along time ago and because i was constantly mad at him, i just left it on read, no more after that. everytime i see the conversation, it makes ny chest gape even more. i was so much angry back then that i didn't treat him as i should because yeah there were times were i was nice or neutral and helped him a lot and made him laugh a bit but still. wow im shaking just typing this. i now message him every once in a while even though he's gone. like a delusional way to connect with him even though it's too late.

Are you shy?

not much, no. I may worry about what someone significant to me may think about me though. but otherwise i'm chill and tired 25/8

Pronouns

she/he/they. my sex is female and it feels so right being genderfluid but i feel like i'm just too influenced by my country's homophobic tradition and society norm for me to accept myself? it's really tight here, I haven't even come out yet. being an Asian is hard.

biggest pet-peeves?

people commenting on my 'femininity'. pls drop it, i'm not comfortable being told i look better in a dress and i should act more womanly-like. i will manspread while also maintain good hygiene thank you very much. it's not because i may identify as male, but because gender roles is a big joke, okay? like sure this is my sex but i can also be a good boy or look sleek in a suit. it's confusing but it's not that hard. dresses are nice but they're not for me to wear just because i'm 'a girl'. is it obvious I have gender dysphoria??

What is your favorite "dere" type?

don't actually have one. they're all equally cool, i just don't have a preference. tsundere's are more above for me though.

Rate your life from 1-10, 1 being crappy and 10 being the best it could be.

it fluctuates from 4 to 7 like my gender. life is a wheel. you're on the low and it all goes up from here, but then you'll also be grounded and the cycle goes again.

What's your main blog?

this, @gayerthanthee , I have sideblogs but they aren't really relevant? i don't even remember why i made them?

List your side blogs and what they are used for:

homemade-genius - oh i did this because i tried to be funny and make some jokes. apparently i do not even have the ENERGY and MEMORY to post in it, so what made me think I even have humor too??

cas-xx - ick did this when i used to simp for some guy back in junior year. i still cringe to this day—not because i made a sideblog, but because i actually?? had the guts to simp for a straight cis-male who was also materialistic and firmly believed and follows gender-roles? it always makes me bleaurgh.

Is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends?

please consider that while i'm not picky with my gender, i still do not like being considered a female only, and because of society norms. we the gays are OUTSIDE the society norms. i would always rather being called handsome over beautiful. also pls consider i have gender dysphoria and crisis. it's crazy.

p.s. it's long overdue and i'm real sorry. i had to shut off from the world to finish my tasks and projects. and now i'm finally done!! thank you sey 🥺 this is my first time being tagged in a get to know me!!

#heyheysey #bnha #haikyuu #queen #marvel #lgbt #i am openly gay #not assuming genders and pronouns are sexy.#so yeah i'm technically closeted still #thank you sey!!#you're a real sweetheart uwu #gayerthanthee

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spacednp · 7 years

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Rehab

im trying to put some of my fics on tumblr bc why not so i copied and pasted this from wattpad (its old kinda but like yeah)

TW:it's a rehab fic so if that kind of think triggers you then don't read xx also, peej is in here bc I couldn't resist lol

I wrote this bc I couldn't find any phan rehab fics and so I made one myself I guess you could say it filled me with DETERMINATION

Srry I made the Undertale reference

Wc: 3k

Dan didn't even know why he decided to go the rehab. He should of just kept drowning his problems out with alcohol, it'd worked this long. But here he was, getting his bags checked in preparation for the next 90 days of his life. Yay.

"What's this for?" The man checking Dan's bags asked, holding up a string that was at the bottom of Dan's bag. His voice was ruff and he was a bulky build with dark ink tattoos of dragons staining his arms. Dan didn't even know he had that string in there, it probably just fell off a shirt he had stuffed in the his bag at last minute. It wasn't even seven centimeters long.

"To hang myself," Dan wasn't very funny sober. The man obviously didn't take it as a joke or think it was very funny because he rolled her eyes, frowned, and took the sting away, handing it to another man who threw the string in a plastic tub full of confiscated items. The clear bucket held things from water bottles full of whiskey-oh God that looked so so good to Dan in that moment (there was nothing he wouldn't give for a sip of that right then)-to cellphones.

Once Dan's bags were checked he was stuffed into a dull room with two beds, two dressers, and two wooden desks with chairs. Dan rolled his eyes but said nothing. Apparently he had a roommate. Dan threw his bag onto the bed farthest from the door. The sheets were dark blue, which by far wasn't Dan's favorite color. The men who'd thrown him in the room left. Another man, with dull green eyes and brown curly hair entered the room and Dan smiled at him, which resulted in the man rolling his eyes.

"Hmph, moody," Dan muttered to himself. "I'm Dan by the way," he said a little louder. Rehab really wasn't going to be fun.

The man glared at Dan and suddenly Dan was afraid, very afraid. The man started to walk towards him when he was suddenly interrupted by a knock at the door. Both men looked to see a third man with a cart of blankets staring at them. The man had dark hair and bright blue eyes, Dan felt the warmth of safety run through his body all of the sudden. Though he wasn't sure why. He held the blue eyed man's gaze while Dan's new roommate just sulked back over to his bed and plopped down, anger radiated off of him in waves.

"Is there a problem here, Pj?" He asked, taking his gaze off of Dan to look over at Dan's roommate, a certain warning in his tone.

"No," The man he called Pj grumbled.

Dan didn't take his eyes off of the blue eyed man though, he knew he should look away, but he didn't.

"Good," The blue eyed man said. He turned to his cart and grabbed four dark blue blankets, he set two on Pj's bed and two on Dan's. When he got to Dan he whispered in Dan's ear, "Don't worry about Pj here, he's all bark and no bite." When Phil pulled away, Dan kind of wished he would of stayed, but he was also glad because he wasn't sure how much longer he could hold his breath, but he also didn't even know he was holding his breath. "I'm Phil by the way. Phil Lester."

"Uh, okay," Dan said. Phil didn't respond and left the room. Once he left, Dan felt Pj's gaze burning into him like fire. "What?" He snapped.

"You know, I wouldn't of come here if I knew that this was an only guys type deal, but I think your case is a little different," Pj said.

"What do you mean?" Dan asked.

"Don't play dumb," Pj paused, reading Dan's face. "You've obviously got something going on for Lester there."

"What?! No, no, I'm straight," Dan explained.

"So is spaghetti before things get hot and steamy," Dan didn't know why, but this comment made Dan like Pj. It was stupid to like him after such a weird comment was made but Dan was amused by it, so he let out a small laugh.

"So Pj, about that Phil Lester guy..." Dan really should of thought this through before he started talking. Honestly, he pretty much just blurted the first thing on his mind and of course it was Phil. Well it wasn't every day a semi attractive stranger whispered in your ear at a rehab center, of course Dan would think about him. It wasn't weird, not at all. Or maybe Dan was just a lying alcoholic with no morals, either way, he wanted to know more about the blue eyed man called Phil.

"What about him? You got a little crush on him?" Pj teased. Okay, maybe Dan didn't like Pj that much anymore. Dan ran a hand through his hair nervously.

"I just want to know a little about him," Dan insisted. Okay, maybe he wanted to know everything about the very attractive stranger. He was just really pretty... was that weird? No-no. Dan was just curious, right? He set his hand back down by his side and watched Pj closely, ready to absorb any information he could about the stranger, like a dry sponge dunked into a bucket of water.

"Well, as far as I know he's single," Pj paused for a moment to wink at Dan to which Dan replied with an eye roll, "he's also both the maid and the nurse-this is a pretty shitty center by the way, the place is pretty much a dump-and he's probably older than you."

"Wow don't you know a lot," Dan said sarcastically. He couldn't help but cross his arms around his chest.

"What? I don't keep tabs on the guy, and I've only been here a couple of weeks and I'm not exactly the best person here, I've snuck a couple beers in and gotten busted every damn time," Pj told Dan. Then he smirked. "I think I saw him check you out by the way."

"W-What? No way." Dan felt his cheeks went red, he automatically spun around to try and hide the embarrassment. He couldn't deny how his heart fluttered in his chest. Pj was just teasing Dan though, it wasn't real. Phil didn't check Dan out, no way. Dan walked over to his bag, uncrossing his arms as he walked. He unzipped his back and grabbed a stack of clothes and opened the drawer to his dress which sat next to his bed. Wooden, worn, and very very bland. He couldn't help but read the carved things on the bottom of the drawer.

Fuck this place & these people

I want a bloody drink

Everyone in here is a asshole!

Dan mentally cringed at the awful grammar and terrible handwriting. Dan agreed with the second thing though, he wanted a drink really badly. His was beginning to get foggy with a migraine and he hated the withdraw he was suffering from. This was probably the longest he's been been sober in the past five years, which was sad because it had only been two days. Maybe a little less.

"I have a killer headache," Dan hissed out of no where as he was setting his last shirt in the drawer. It wasn't a lie.

"Go to the nurse, maybe he'll give you an aspirin, or maybe he'll give you some kisses," Pj teased. Dan just shook his head, which sent a million hammers banging into skull at once. Dan let out a small moan in pain. "Oh gee Dan, you getting a little too excited over there?"

"Shut the fuck up," Dan spat at Pj. Pj chuckled at this, which sent a wave of frustration through Dan. Why was he laughing?! Dan literally felt like he was dying!

"I'll take you to the nurse, hopefully Phil's in his office," Pj stood up and started walking towards the door. Dan followed slowly because wow his head hurt. Dan followed as fast as he could and kept up with Pj's fast pace as much as he could, but ugh his head hurt so bad. Eventually they reached a door that had the work "nurse" on its navy tag.

"Here we are good sir," Pj said, slapping Dan on the back and beginning to walk away. But before he left completely he managed to call, "Good luck getting him to fuck you!" Over his shoulder. Dan rolled his eyes at Pj's rude comment and knocked on Phil's wooden door.

"Come in!" Phil called from inside. Dan opened the door with his right hand, his left one busy cradling his aching head. Inside was the blue eyed beauty known as Phil sitting behind a wooden desk who was scribbling something on a piece of paper. He was wearing thick black framed glasses which somehow managed to make him look more attractive than earlier. There was a computer on his desk with several papers, along with a few little nerdy trinkets. There was two chairs on the side of Phil's desk that was closest to Dan so he took a seat in one. On the wall behind Phil there was a few tall cabinets and a sink. "What's the matter?" Phil asked, not looking up from the stack of papers on his desk.

"I have a killer migraine," Dan announced. Phil looked up from his papers and smiled once he saw Dan.

"Name?" He requested, his voice sweet and warm. It reminded Dan of a warm winter coat on a chilly December day, warm and laced with fluff, guarding him from the brutal weather.

"Daniel James Howell," Dan told him, removing his hand from he head. Phil nodded and set down his pen. He turned to his computer and typed a few letters into the keyboard. The computer was white and bulky and was probably older than Dan was, weighed more than him, and was really really slow. Dan would call it slower than him, but in reality a rock could probably beat Dan in a race.

"Mhm," Phil hummed, clicking something on his screen Dan couldn't see. "Here you are! Daniel James Howell, number one twenty seven!" Dan loved the way his name rolled off of Phil's tongue. He loved how it sounded when Phil said it. But that was normal, right?

"It's not like I don't appreciate the banter, but can we just get my headache taken care of please? It's killing me," Dan whined. Phil giggled and the sound was so sweet it almost made up for the fact that he was taking so long to just hand Dan an aspirin. Almost.

"Yessiree," Phil sung, standing up and walking over to the cabinet behind him. Dan couldn't help but notice the way Phil's hips swung as he walked-okay maybe that was a little bit of a weird thought. Phil hummed a little song as he picked up a bottle of pills and opened it up. He took out a plastic cup and half filled it with tap water from the sink. He walked over to where Dan sat and handed him the pill. Dan's skin tingled when Phil's fingers brushed against his outstretched palm. That was normal though, right? It just tickled a little bit. Dan put the small pill in his mouth and Phil handed him the water. Dan took a big swig of the water and swallowed. He handed the cup back to Phil who walked back over to the sink and dumped the rest out and then threw the cup in the trash bin that sat next to Phil's desk. Dan wouldn't of wasted a drop of that if it had any alcohol at all in it.

"I have no idea how I'm going to survive three months without any alcohol," Dan thought out loud. Phil laughed, his tongue poking out of his teeth a little as he did so.

"I did it not too many years ago," Phil said. That was the last thing Dan expected to hear from the man. Phil just seemed too... good. He seemed very sweet and innocent, like a little kitten. Soft and frail. Dan couldn't even picture Phil anywhere near a bar, let alone drunk out of his mind and slurring his words. That just didn't seem like Phil. The fact that Dan felt so close to Phil even though he didn't even know the man was kind of odd. Dan noted that how he described Phil was similar to how the family and friends of serial killers described the killer.

"Really?" Dan gasped. Phil nodded, smiling still. Shook ran through Dan instead of blood.

"I was only about a year younger than you. Five years sober this March," Phil commented, a content look on his face. "You'll get used to it. Even after five years it's still hard for me sometimes, but I'm taking it one step at a time,"

"Huh, I can't picture you drunk," Dan blurred. Phil's personality was just too... adorable. Phil laughed again. "What's so funny?" Dan questioned.

"You really don't remember, huh?" Dan shook his head, confused. "Well I guess it makes sense, you were pretty hammered. Anyway, I helped you home once when you pretty much passed out outside of a bar in London a few years back. Seeing you like that was the reason I got sober and eventually got this job. I realized that it wasn't healthy to throw your life away like that and seeing someone as young as you in that state broke my heart and so I decided I wanted to help people get sober. I guess I finally get to help the person who helped me,"

"I didn't do anything," Dan said. He was really shocked, but he guessed that was why he felt so safe around Phil, because Phil had helped him before.

"Yes you did Dan. You opened my eyes and made me finally put my life in focus," Phil said. Dan didn't know how to feel. How was he supposed to feel? Was there a way he was supposed to feel?

No, there wasn't, he realized. Feelings weren't wrong or right, but they were yours. It wasn't wrong to dislike someone and it wasn't wrong to like someone either. Feelings turned into actions though. There was wrong and there was right actions. It was wrong to hurt someone but it was right to comfort someone. But how did you distinguish what was a wrong action and what was a right action? The little voice in your head. At first it always sounded like Dan's mum, telling him not to eat his brother's cookie or telling him not to run the red light. Over time though it started to sound like Dan. It told him to not smoke that cigarette he'd stolen from his dad. It even told him not to drink so much, it was the reason he was in rehab. He had ignored it all those years ago when he ended up drunk out of his mind and passed out outside of some random bar in London. It told him to trust Phil, and he listened to it.

•••

In rehab Dan learned to trust that little voice.

It told him to not take a drink of the vodka Pj managed to smuggle in, even though every other part of his body wanted it so so bad.

It told Dan to fake a headache a couple of times to go and see Phil.

It told Dan to not lose his temper when Phil found the vodka in his and Pj's room and Pj insisted it was Dan's.

It told him to calmly explain to Phil that it was Pj's and that Dan would do any blood tests to prove it.

But now, as Dan was packing up to leave rehab, it told Dan to do something a little different. He opened up the first drawer in his dresser and crossed out all the rude messages in it. Instead he replaced the terrible messages with new ones.

It gets better

You can do it

Never lose hope <3

It was cheesy and kind of-okay, very-stupid, but Dan couldn't help it. It was true, and like sweet little Phil, Dan wanted to help people. He new the truth behind the people who drown themselves in alcohol every night. They were not bad people, no. They were just broken people who ignored the little voice in their head, the one that would help them get better.

People can inspire you to help others or help yourself, but when it come down to it, you're the only one who can save yourself.

The voice will tell him to agree to go on his first date with Phil.

It will tell him that he has a crush on Phil and has since he first saw him.

It will tell him to come out to his family.

It will tell him to look into beautiful bright blue eyes and say 'I do'.

It will tell him to sign those adoption papers. Daniel James Howell-Lester.

It will tell him that it's okay to explain why Daddy and Papa don't drink all the same 'grown up' drinks as all their friends' Daddies drink to his children.

It will tell him to tell his children that no, having two Dads isn't weird.

It will tell him that it's okay to cry as his youngest child leaves for university.

It will tell him that he wants to stay with Phil until the day he dies.

And he will listen to it. Always and forever, because he's learned from his mistakes.

#phanfiction #i hate this one why am i posting it on here??#i hate all my fics tbh #phan #dan and phil #danisnotonfire #amazingphil #phanfic #fluff?? i guess #triggering xD #why did i put 'xD' i hate myself

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