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andthebeanstalk · 11 months

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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

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trashlie · 2 years

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In light of ep 179, we revisit revisit the development of Nol and Shinae’s friendship

Who is ready for another found of Ashlie Being EXTREMELY Ashlie starring me, going through old episodes and digging up things to overanalyze? 179 sheds such fascinating insight on the way Nol approached and befriended people, I HAD to go back through and re-examine both his approach and when and how those friendships began to feel real to him, with an emphasis on Shinae.

I will also shortly be putting together a part two follow up, which I’ll link to here once it’s ready!

In light of the reveal that Nol never really intended to actually be anyone’s friend - that he was trying to rebalance the good and the bad, to improve someone else’s life since he couldn’t improve his own, that he wanted to do good for someone without committing - I decided to revisit some past scenes that always gave me pause, or that I think are especially interesting to revisit with what we know and how it may have changed from what we used to believe. Like most people, I was operating under the assumption that while yes, Nol seemed to really hate himself, I thought he sought out friends he saw himself in and offered the kind of friendships he wanted in return. I was so sure that he treated Shinae the way he wished people would treat him - and while I’m not discounting that there’s probably still some truth to that - acknowledging the additional layers of his mentality in seeking these half-baked relationships makes reviewing certain scenes really fascinating.

I’ll have to do a full reread, I think, to determine when exactly I think the friendships became real for Nol. I’m inclined to think it was around the arcade episodes, but I’m not entirely certain. Maybe that’s when it starts to trigger? I feel like something about the introduction of Yui in an episode when Nol is out having fun, seeming to drop the worries that plague him, enjoying the presence of these people he’s collected to help, feels like it’s sending him a reminder: you aren’t allowed to care about these people. And what better time for him to start becoming aware of what they meant to him?

In fact, by the time Nol and Shinae meet again at the Hirahara office when Rika is finding out how Shinae can apply for a job, I think Nol has an easiness with her that suggests a real friendship is blooming? However, there’s definitely things I’ve questioned about those episodes that stay on my mind: why is Nol so insistent about working with friends, is there any meaning to his dejected expression when Kousuke whisks him off to dinner, and what’s up in the car?

Here’s the thing: he’s obviously pushing it because it is his karmic duty or whatever to help her in whatever way he can. If a job would make things better for her, he’s going to encourage and support her as her friend (using it in bold to imply that this is his intention as Nol-balancing-the-good-and-bad not Yeonggi being a pal). In fact, he actually literally states “I’d love to work alongside friends“ in bold which is giving me pause in retrospect. Is it just because he didn’t TRULY think of her as a friend yet, that it was all fake? But my other thing is, Nol knows that Shinae isn’t exactly eager for his friendship, so if he’s pushing her to apply because FWIENDSHIP you’d think he wouldn’t use friendship as the enticer because why would she bite at that? Is it something that he’s not aware of? I can’t imagine that’s so. At any rate, he’s clearly egging her on in his quest to help improve her state of being, but boy the way he goes about it is weird.

Secondly, when Kousuke is dragging Nol out to eat, Nol wears a long expression and seems like he’s glancing back towards her - he actually does turn back and wave goodbye. This is something that makes me wonder if by this point Nol was already growing fond of Shinae as a friend. I mean, obviously he is no mood to go off with Kousuke and sit through dinner with him and listen to him insult him further, but it’s just the way his expression seems to direct towards Shinae that makes me think that maybe, even without him realizing it, Nol is feeling even worse to leave behind a friend and have to go to dinner with Kousuke.

There’s a lot of other things I continue to question about that entire couple of episodes - like, what’s with the stand off with Nol and Kousuke both take off their coats? I continue to baffle over that one because I know it’s not about Shinae. I also used to question if the little smile Nol wears after Kousuke attempts to eat the burger with his hands was a smile that Kousuke was, for once, trying something very normal, but now days, I’m willing to bet it’s a more perverse pleasure at seeing Kousuke pushed into doing something that made him uncomfortable, a quiet, mean-spirited enjoyment?

But the other thing that brings me back to that series of episodes is in the car when Nol covers Shinae with his jacket. I’ve ALWAYS contemplated that series of expressions he wears: going from a probably forced Yeonggi smile to the expression dropping a bit and a sweat drop appearing to a genuinely sad expression before he turns to look out the window. I never really was sure what I thought it meant before but now I think we have enough light to glean a little more from it. This is, of course, sheer conjecture, but I have to wonder if it’s a moment of Nol and his Yeonggi persona warring - this acknowledgment that he’s doing these things to “be a nice person” (but a truly nice person doesn’t have that stipulation attached) and maybe even feeling a fondness for her as a friend before remembering that he’s not allowed to feel that, that he’s not supposed to care about any of these people, that it’s dangerous to actually befriend people. I don’t know when Nol would have had to take his tests to apply to Oxford, but I wonder if by that point he already knew his plans, and entangling with anyone knew made him feel guilty? Again, conjecture.

At any rate, I think it’s around this time that Nol is starting to realize these people are his friends - truly his friends, that it’s becoming real, and maybe is even internalizing that there’s something very wrong with treating people like friends when you don’t intend to keep them as such - and moreso, that he ENJOYS being their friends and wants to maintain that friendship. And Kousuke is very aware of this. I think this is important to note, because though Kousuke does not realize that Nol pretends to maintain these friendships, he does see these little moments that Nol probably thinks are private going unseen, he does see the “effect” Shinae has on him - which I’m using loosely because, again, I think it’s Kousuke interpreting Nol’s behavior differently from what it is. I think it’s also important to highlight for posts to come re: Kousuke and Shinae in regards to Nol, but that’s a post for another day.

By the time Nol is hanging out at the Wac during Shinae’s shift, I think Nol’s in a deeper conflict with his feelings. From what we know now, obviously he feels like he has an obligation to help her, because again, he’s trying to make other peoples’ lives better, he’s trying to rebalance the good and the bad, to do something nice for people. But his sense of obligation - staying the entire shift, ordering more nuggets when he thinks she needs a reprieve from shitty customers, the urging her to follow up on her application - all feel like extra steps. Now, we can also argue that Nol was probably very much like this with Soushi and Dieter. From the way he throws around the word cute and says things like “then I can see you more”, I think Nol pushes his boundaries a lot without thinking about the repercussions, so going above and beyond to help Shinae get a job isn’t out of line. But it’s also possible that going above and beyond is what leads him to truly care about these people, as real friends.

When Nol tells Shinae “I really am just trying to be a decent friend” there’s no weird emphasis on friends, his eyes are open (though he turns away so we can’t really see his face). This, plus the way he calls to follow up on her application, both make me think that it’s safe to say that by this point, Nol sees Shinae as a real friend, whether or not he’s admitting it to himself yet. It might be why he actually backed off, too; he acknowledged that he was going too far and as a friend that wasn’t okay. I realize this implies that Nol didn’t respect Shinae before their friendship became real for him, but perhaps it’s simply that he grew to respect her even more, because now he realized this friendship went both ways, and he didn’t want to make things worse for her. It went against the very thing he was trying to achieve.

This is something I wanted to establish because I think by the time of the Kim formal, Nol and Shinae are friends. We know it’s the night that she finally accepts his friendship and feels a bond with him, but I think it’s also the night Nol acknowledges to himself something he’s figured out as truth, that has BEEN true. Somewhere in the span of the arcade to the the Wac, Nol has come to enjoy Shinae’s friendship - not as as person helping her, but as a friend.

I think we see a marked transition in how Nol treats Shinae the friend at the formal vs how he treated Shinae the person he’s helping prior. Before he was trying to pull her out of her comfort zone, he was trying to lead her to things he thought would benefit her (the job, getting her more comfortable with Dieter, the way he all but pushed his friendship on her), but afterwards, he’s REALLY respectful of the boundary that Shinae drew, like really conscious of it and trying to not cross it. I know that seems like such a minor thing but I think it’s safe to say that at this point Nol is respecting Shinae as a friend. And the whole night he does this. Lines like let me know if I’m pushing your boundaries, I don’t want to push your limits, he remains mindful of Shinae’s comfort and boundary. Everything he does during the formal feels like the act of a concerned friend, a genuine friend. For Shinae, this is especially important, because Nol essentially becomes a lifeline to her during what will turn into her worst night ever.

Bear with me, this was the entire inspiration for this long post: the dance with Kousuke.

A theory I enjoyed musing about was that when Nol catches sight of Shinae laughing as he tries to make her relax during the dance, it’s the moment he realizes he likes her/starts to like her/it kickstarts feelings. Quimchee was once asked on curiouscat what Nol is into and her answer was something about a nice smile, so you can see where the theory came from. These days I don’t think Nol was catching feels at the moment - especially now that we know what his state of misery was, now that we know his friends were all meant to repair his karma, now that we know he truly believes his situation can never change or become better. Nol barely allowed himself to admit he cared about friends, I don’t think he has been developing romantic feelings. HOWEVER that’s clearly still an important moment - there would be no reason otherwise to highlight his widened eye, his shock at seeing her react to his efforts with laughter.

That is the moment, I think, that Nol realizes and admits it to himself: Shinae is a friend and he cares about her and he cares about her happiness. Doing something dumb during a moment that she’s uncomfortable and watching it work, watching it bring her laughter, has an effect on her, and the effect is realizing that he cares about this friend and he’s not just repaying bad with good. He’s being a friend.

When Shinae goes to talk to him after the dance and he returns her jacket, they have a moment that I have ALWAYS pondered over. “Shinae. We’re friends, right?” Nol asks wearing his fake smile mask. I used to think it was insecurity, because he’d tried so hard to win her friendship but now that we know he wasn’t really trying to BE friends, just faking it, I think it’s easier to read it now as, perhaps, Nol testing the waters. The realization that yeah, they ARE friends. That it’s a reciprocal friendship, that he’s done the unfathomable and once again allowed a person to mean something to him, to become a person he cares about. He’s sounding it out because now he’s realized it is real.

Which is funny, because that brings me to something else that I’ve always wondered about. When Kousuke is accusing Nol of being a skirt chaser (good lord), Nol delivers the line “What’s it gonna take for people to understand I’m only seeking something platonic. Just because she’s a girl and I’m a dude people assume I want something else” with his eyes closed. I touched on this in another post but the short version is: it’s easy to read this like Nol is lying and that he IS seeking something that isn’t platonic or something like that, because why else are his eyes closed. This isn’t a facade kind of eyes closed. But I think it’s because the lie is that Nol does want something else - he’s not even intentionally seeking friendship, it’s meant to be fake, but he’s out here acting sincerely as a friend, when he wasn’t supposed to get close to anyone. When all he wanted all along WAS something else - to help someone and balance out the good and the bad.

And instead, he ended up with a genuine friend.

(I do continue to muse over the moment that Kousuke asks Nol why he didn’t interrupt them and Nol merely looks at him without replying. Is it simply that he can’t believe Kousuke thinks that of him? Is it that he knows an interruption would have been even more embarrassing for Shinae? Is it that Kousuke didn’t even notice that the reason Shinae loosened up had nothing to do with him or her becoming comfortable but because it was Nol? That he did his part without making a scene?)

Anyway I think that moment of Nol realizing that “oh no I care about Shinae oh no she’s my friend” is especially important to highlight for the rest of what follows. Firstly, when Sangchul pushes Nol’s buttons, it involves Shinae and Alyssa. He’s stopped when Sangchul calls Shinae his bitch and it’s made worse when he brings up Alyssa and suddenly Nol doesn’t hold back. These are his friends and he is responding not as a person helping them but as someone who cares about them and their wellbeing. In fact, Nol has already dealt with two extreme encounters related to this.

One: When Kousuke has the audacity to imply Nol should be with Alyssa instead of concerned about Shinae, Nol enters a deal with him, full well knowing what will come of it.

Two: Nol runs into his father and finally stands up to him, willing to accept his wrath, because finding his friend in danger is far more important.

Regarding his father, Nol knows very well what his defiance can cost him, but he’s worried enough about Shinae that it’s a risk he’s willing to take. Notably, too, he refers to Shinae as a friend and there’s no implications he’s lying. Not only is his fake friendship real, but it’s worth defying his father.

(Of course it’s worth noting: Nol already believes that caring about people leads to their harm. He believes that he makes bad things happen, that the good and bad balance is off and bad will continue to follow him. So, it’s safe to assume that as well as acknowledging that he cares about Shinae, he also believes she’s in danger because of him, because he cared about her and now he has to fix this, too. But that also leads to my next point.)

When Nol tells Kousuke he’ll do whatever he asks of him until the end of the year, he already knows what it will be. Kousuke has already told Nol to limit his interactions with Shinae, is already trying to sever their friendship. Nol is locking himself into a promise that he will use to his benefit, because knowing that a. his friendship is not as fake as he pretended and b. another person he cares about is in danger, I think Nol has already decided to sever the tie himself. Knowing that Kousuke will tell him to stay away from Shinae, Nol makes a deal when all he had to do was walk off and ignore Kousuke. He’s already made up his mind. He’s going to help Shinae and then he’s out of here.

It wasn’t the guilt of dropping her into the pool.

It was knowing that once again harm befell someone he cared about.

(And likely both cases involve Yui.)

The fact that not only was Nol unable to help Shinae but it was him who dropped them, he’s the reason Shinae fell into the water and hit her head is obviously a heavy weight of guilt, and it merely proves to himself that he’s correct: that he cannot be friends with Shinae (or anyone else for that matter), that she is yet another in a list of people hurt because of proximity to him. Who was he kidding? Who did he think he is, believing that maybe he could have friends after all?

And thus begins Nol’s quiet exit, his attempt to extricate himself from the lives of those he’s grown to care about (and his subsequent inability to do so).

Now I don’t think the balcony scene at the hospital is necessarily changed by the revelations that Nol never sought out Shinae’s friendship for real as much as just gives further weight to moments that already resonate. When Nol talks about how it’s his guilt that brought him back, that it’s his fault she ended in the hospital - it’s not simply about dropping her. It’s his guilt that he got close to her, his guilt that he cared when he knew better, his guilt that (as he believes) he was punished for daring to do what he knew he couldn’t and she was the one harmed, to remind him he can never change his circumstances, he can never have better.

(It’s funny, how they both carry this sense of guilt. Shinae, too, thinks none of this would have happened if Nol had never taken it upon himself to look after her and take care of her. She feels the weight of being important to someone like a burden, that she’s caused people to worry, that because people care about her they’ve done rash, stupid things. Both of them feel so much guilt!)

Anyway, i think it’s really worth revisiting that episode fresh off the back of 179. It really brings an added weight to those ambiguous thought bubbles: “I’m pathetic”, “what do you even see in me, I’m just a waste of time”, “I don’t deserve you”, “I’m the bother”, Nol’s arm always reaching for what he never allows himself to grasp. Though their circumstances are different - Shinae feels like she’s failing a friend who has been nothing but good and taking out her emotions on him undservingly; Nol has come to realize how much he cares about Shinae and how he doesn’t deserve her for the way he’s lied and tricked her, for the way he tried to be something he wasn’t so how dare he think he deserves her friendship, he’s just a waste of time - they share this same sentiment towards one and other and I think in light of episode 180 it’s even more poignant. Nol and Shinae don’t know much about each other at all, but this moment at the hospital stitches them together, no matter how hard Nol tries to run away later. The emotional resonance that binds them operates at the same frequency as the other. It’s what brings them back to each other over and over, even when Nol has told himself not to. It’s what makes them so important to each other.

How can Nol move on from that? That vulnerable moment of Shinae clinging to his coat and crying, something so private and exposing, the way he provides her that moment of reprieve, a safe place to let it out, and his realization that maybe Shinae’s problems are bigger than he’d once thought, not something easily fixed by his saccharine smiles and sweetness. I don’t think it’s until later that he registers just how bad it is, but it might be the beginning of Nol realizing that Shinae suffers more than he realizes, more than she lets anyone in. How is he supposed to walk away from her after they’ve established that connection, this intimate moment of vulnerability that changes the way he sees her?

I’ll be saving THAT for the next post, though, because there’s a couple moments in particular that I really want to give time to. Nol tries so very hard to make his escape, to slip away, but unfortunately for him it’s not as easy as he expected because not only did Shinae come to embrace his friendship, but their shared experience and now mutual-trauma at the hands of Yui has brought them together, bound by a moment of vulnerability from a girl who tried so hard to fortify her walls. For Shinae, that whole night is a nightmare, half a blur that she can’t remember, a fall she has no recollection of, waking up in a hospital with no recollections of an attempted assault. It leaves her vulnerable and feeling small and the small source of comfort to her through the night was the very person who now feels he is nothing but a danger to her, that he must remove himself from her life if he’s to protect her.

And isn’t that sad? That he cares enough about his friends that he wants to protect them, but foolishly believes the only way he can do that is by leaving them?

This is what leads to my next post: how Nol is so dedicated to his cause, but also so often derailed, and how this factors into the growth and development of his relationship with Shinae. Simply put, the weight of Shinae’s importance is so heavy that not even his own moral compass can keep him on what he believes is the right path.

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #Shinae Yoo #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #Stalkyoo #this isn't really a shipping post per se but we all know that i love to howl about foundations #I feel like it's about time for me to do a reread all the way through with 179 in mind lol #It's really interesting to look at old scenes and see them in a new light or with a new added weight #the kinds of double meanings there may have been in certain dialogue #to see new motivation in things that may have seemed innocuous or even confusing; things that didn't quite make sense at the time or just #stuck out as slightly strange just slightly off because they never quite fit the narrative we knew #i also think we can see new weight to the way their friendship developed - that despite the circumstances like a weed in a sidewalk they #still managed to grow and bloom #i maintain my statement that Shinae is the moon and nol is the tide dragged back to shore by her no matter how often he retreats #their relationship seems so resilient despite it all #i can't wait to write my follow up post to this i hope i can take care of it in the next couple days #i'm heavily musing over a couple moments that - to me - just seem extra poignant now #god i'm a sucker for nol and shinae's friendship and what they mean to each other #A FUCKING SUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRRR #in spite of it all he just can't stop himself from caring ;~;

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