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the--sad--hatter · 5 years

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Frozen Heart (One)

FANDOM - MARVEL MCU, DEADPOOL & X-MEN

WARNINGS - ALL OF THEM, SMUT, VIOLENCE ANGST

DESCRIPTION -

When Nick Fury finally catches the Ex-Shield Agent knowns Black Ice, The Thief with a Frozen Heart he puts her where she belongs. With The Avengers.

You’re not happy about that decision but you’re the only one who’s kicking up a fuss.

Natasha and Clint are happy to have you back in their lives, Sam Wilson is a big fan, Tony Stark just wants you to keep your hands off his stuff and Steve finds out that not only do you have a connection but you were there for him when nobody else was.

Bucky Barnes is one of the few people who doesn’t have a connection with you but he’d really really like one.

Prologue

ANYTHING IN ITALICS IS BEING SIGNED, NOT SAID OUT LOUD

Chapter One - Sixty Seconds

The room Clint had led you to was less of a room and more of a luxury suite. It was decadent and as soon as you opened the door and shoved you through it your jaw dropped.

“I’ll put coffee on.” Clint scoffed cheerily at you and left without waiting for a response, closing the door and leaving you in solitude.

You immediately stalked towards the private bathroom attached to what was now your room, ripping off the clothes Clint had supplied and discarding them as you went. The shower alone was at least four times bigger than your previous bathroom.

You switched the shower on turning the dial up as high as it would go and it didn’t take long for steam to fill the bathroom. The Irony of an ice powered mutant taking a blistering hot shower wasn’t lost on you as you fiddled with all the dials. There was also a drug stores worth of soaps, shower gels, and hair products. Though you doubted any drug store carried these expensive sounding brands.

You spent at least twenty minutes just choosing a shower gel. Eventually you dragged your sweet smelling body out of heaven on earth and wrapped a cloud (it was probably a towel but it felt like a cloud) around yourself and padded into the bedroom.

You forced yourself to ignore the humongous soft looking bed that was piled high with pillows and realised you'd have to put Clint's clothes back on. Unless....

This was it, the big moment. If you opened the wardrobe and it was empty then all hope was lost. But if there clothes in there, clothes in your size and preferred style then maybe Natasha still loved you.

You took a deep breath and swung the doors open.

There was a cheesy pop song playing in your head ten minutes later as you strutted down the hallway, the black heels clicking against the floor. You smoothed your hands over your hips, smoothing invisible creases out of the tight black top and smirked. Tasha still loved you.

“Black Ice!” Someone called and you twirled round to wave at them.

“Falcon right?” You said, smiling at man jogging down the corridor towards you.

“Sam Wilson.” He said holding out his hand for you to shake.

Sam Wilson was gorgeous, nobody could try and dispute that. His most striking feature though was his eyes and the kindness shining in them. As soon as you looked into them you found yourself wanting to pour your heart out to him and make him your friend.

“Everybody kinda just calls me Ice.” You told him, shaking his hand.

“Cause of the powers right? I never would have guessed it was a power, I just thought the Ice you left behind was like a calling card or political statement.” He gushed.

You noticed the tips of his ears turning red as you blinked at him in surprise.

“Can I see them?” He asked you.

You looked around nervously, not used to this kind of openness about your powers.

“No.” You said, gulping nervously.

He didn’t seem at all put off by your attitude and instead got a conspiratorial look on his face, grabbing you by the arm gently as he pulled you down the hallway and through a door. You looked around the room he’d dragged you into and frowned, it was some sort of maintenance room. Dark, empty, filled with pipes and very very small.

You wrenched your arm away from him and he raised his eyebrows at you, looking taken aback before holding his hands up in surrender.

“Alright, I understand. No touching, that wasn’t cool of me. I’m sorry.” His tone was gentle and sincere.

“Uh, it’s ok. It’s just we’ve only just met and I’m not that kind of girl.” You smiled as you said it, covering your nerves.

You weren’t getting creepy vibes of this guy and didn’t really think he’d pulled you into an empty room for nefarious purposes. You was more curious than anything.

“I’ll buy you dinner next time. I just thought you’d be more inclined to show me your frosty side if nobody was spying.” He prodded with a laugh.

“My power takes a lot of emotional and physical control. Granted I'm not drugged up and being held captive in the desert at the moment but do you really want to risk it?” You asked.

“I didn’t know that’s what happened, I’m really sorry.”He looked crestfallen as he apologised.

“It’s not your fault.”

“Or yours. I didn’t know, I won’t ask again. And just so you know, I’m good with this sort of thing if you need to talk about it. If you don’t, I’m also great at making omelette's.” He told you with a toothy grin.

“I’m really good at eating them.” You said, smiling back at the man you were quickly betting was going to be a friend.

“Well then milady, might I escort you to the kitchen?” He said, opening the door with a dramatic flourish and bowing as you passed.

You laughed at his antics and shook your head fondly, accepting the offer of his arm as he walked you to the kitchen. Where Clint and Natasha were waiting.

“Wilson, hands off my sister!” Clint snapped.

“Your sister?” Sam shrieked, looking between you and Clint, squinting.

“She’s not really my sister, somebody dropped her off at the circus in a basket and I just kept her.”

“Stop telling people that, it’s not any better than the truth. We found her on a job, we killed her parents and decided to raise her to make up for it.” Natasha said.

“They’re both lying. It’s nowhere near that interesting, Clint saved me from a fire when I was a baby. That’s why his face looks like that.” You said.

Sam’s eyes flicked down to your hands but didn’t say anything about you signing as you spoke.

“So, she’s your sister but not?” Sam clarified.

“She’s my sister. Doesn’t matter how she got that way.” Clint said resolutely, making it clear it was a closed topic.

“See, I knew you loved me.” You teased Clint.

“No I don’t, I just don’t share my toys.”

“Ok, looks like we have another bird in the nest!” Sam said excitedly.

“She’s not a bird, she’s a snake.” Natasha said, glaring at you.

“Damn, that was cold even for a Russian!” You responded with a faux hurt expression.

“Vy dolzhny uskol'znut' ot malen'koy zmei.” (Slither away little snake.)

“Natasha, I still don’t speak Russian. And snakes eat spiders so...” You smirked.

“Run.”Clint warned.

Natasha narrowed her eyes at you and smirked.

“Gym in one hour. We’re playing 60 seconds.” She told you and walked away.

You winced and watched her leave.

“What’s 60 seconds?” Sam asked Clint.

You and Natasha were both stubborn, something you had realised a long time ago. Your arguments used to be legendary and never ending until you figured out a system. It was a system most people saw as barbaric or psychotic. You and Tasha preferred to look at it as cathartic.

Sixty seconds, no holds barred. The wronged party could hurt the wrongdoer however they saw fit, no retribution. It was how you settled all grievances.

It was painful, but worth it. Honestly, it was a system that worked for you both and you were glad she was using it.

You broke out of your reverie when Clint waved a hand in front of your face.

“Look alive, Cap’s coming.” He smirked.

You brightened up considerably, you were looking forward to seeing Captain Rogers again. You spun round with a bright smile on your face as he walked into the kitchen. He held his hand out formally.

“Ma'am, welcome to The Avengers compound. I’m Steve Rogers.” He said politely.

Admittedly it had been a long time since a woman had looked so offended by his presence but the expression on your face was still painfully familiar.

“Gee, you defrost a guy and he acts like you’ve never met.” You huffed angrily, your hands flying about as your frustration came out through your gestures..

“Defrost?” Steve repeated, puzzled.

Clint sniggered and you narrowed your eyes at his shit eating grin and Steve’s confused expression.

“Nobody told him? You bastard! That was literally the coolest thing I have ever done and nobody told him? No wonder he never wrote, never called.” You whined petulantly.

“I’m not following.” Steve said with a frown.

“Me either.” Sam added from his post at the cooker.

You were reigning in the impulse to stamp your foot when Sam gasped and pointed at you with a spatula.

“Ice! He was in the ice. You didn’t?” Sam asked.

“Yeah, I did. What, you think Shield find a man in Ice and don’t ask their Ice powered agent to help out?” You said sulkily.

“Wait, you defrosted me when I came out of the Ice?” Steve clarified.

“Well I had to. If you melted too quickly you could have gone into shock. I had to keep you frozen for days and do it gradually.” You told him.

He was gob smacked. Nobody had ever told him that a person had done it or that it had taken days.

“Thank you.” He said sincerely.

“You are very welcome. You however are the worst brother in the world.” You snapped at Clint.

“Brother?” Steve pressed, back to shocked.

“Adopted, I bought her off a Serbian fella years ago and couldn’t return her.” Clint said.

After breakfast Clint dragged you around the compound, pointing out important rooms. Or rooms he deemed important.

“That’s the smaller TV room but the sofa is comfier and it’s usually empty.” He informed you.

Old habits died hard and despite the fact he could hear you fine with his hearing aids in he slipped back into signing, feeling better communicating with you the old fashioned way. When you were younger you’d delighted in having your own secret way of communicating with Natasha and Clint and now you knew why he signed but it still felt more natural to talk this way.

The compound was sleek, modern and airy and very Stark. Speaking of...

“Where’s Stark? Locking down his valuables?” You asked, sniggering.

“Didn’t have the heart to tell him that wouldn’t stop you.” He smirked.

“Ok, it’s been an hour. Take me to my executioner.” You said with a solemn expression.

He chuckled and slung his arm around your shoulders, steering you towards the gym.

The Gym as it turned out was MASSIVE. At least twice the size of a football field, one side was filled with state of the art gym equipment and instead of 4 walls there were 3 wall and a row to floor to ceiling windows that overlooked an outdoor running track and obstacle course. The other half of the room was covered in training mats, clearly meant for sparring.

That was where Natasha was stood, casually waiting for you. Clint squeezed your shoulder and pushed you towards her. You took a deep breath and stepped onto the mats. You could do this, it was only a minute. You could survive it.

But Natasha Romanov was a cruel cruel woman.

Fifty one minutes later yoy hit the floor, sweat dripping down your forehead. Every muscle you had burned and even ones you didn’t know you had were screaming in protest.

Tasha, lovely kind woman that she was had informed you she was doing a physical evaluation before she cleaned the slate and used her sixty seconds.

You’d been here less than an hour and she hadn’t even touched you yet but you were already thoroughly exhausted. The Russian B...eauty was currently testing your core strength by having you use the salmon ladder.

One handed.

You’d yet to reach the top, having met the floor with force at least seven times by now. Clint was absolutely no help, as soon as Natasha had instructed you to get to work he’d perched himself on top of a balance beam and proceeded to heckle you. His laughter echoed through the room as you pushed herself up from the ground, face burning in embarrassment.

“Weren’t you in the Army the last two years?” He called down in mirth.

You flipped him off but it only made him laugh harder.

Natasha kicked your left leg and you went down ungracefully, your knee slamming into the floor.

“You’re here so I can get a better understanding of your capabilities, not to trade barbs with birdbrain over there.” Natasha told you coldly.

“Hey I resent that.” Clint called out.

Natasha turned her stare on him and he grumbled to himself and got up and wandered away to the target practice area of the room. Natasha turned back to you and you gritted your teeth against the pain and nodded, getting to your feet and picking up the metal bar you were using to pull yourself up the ladder.

“Use the left hand this time.” Natasha ordered.

You sighed and did as you were told, making the mistake of glancing towards Clint to make sure he wasn’t up to anything. You were too caught up in the panel of the wall Clint had just opened to make it onto the ladder and fell again, landing on your feet this time but barely paying attention.

There was an armoury in the wall and your eyes were lit up like a kid at Christmas. Natasha cocked her head at your reaction and smirked.

“Ok, lets test your gun knowledge out.” Natasha said.

You didn’t wait for her to finish the sentence and were already scampering toward the guns. Clint looked up at the sound of your footsteps and the corner of his mouth tugged up at the look on your face.

You weren’t looking at him, your eyes were on the weapons, more specifically on the glock 12 on the table next to him. You picked it up and with practised ease popped the magazine out and checked it before popping it back in. He and Natasha shared an amused look as you strode over to the targets, standing at the furthest point from them and steadily raised the gun in your right hand and fired off 12 shots in rapid succession. Clint let out a low whistle as he looked at all 12 targets that now had a bullet hole in the dead centre of the target.

“Nat she can shoot! Like really shoot!” He whispered excitedly.

Your aim had always been pretty good but you were no Hawkeye, however in the last two years you had given up trying to match his skill with a bow and to your surprise found that your skill lay with guns. You had only a little amount of control of your abilities and halfway decent fighting skills but you knew your way around a gun.

They were your happy place, the feel of cold heavy metal in your hand, your mind blissfully clear of anything except the target.

You switched the gun to your left hand and repeated the 12 shots, hitting the bullseye again every time. You popped a fresh clip into the gun, intending to empty that as well when something whizzed by your head and buried itself into the dead centre of a target.

You turned to look at Clint and Natasha. Natasha was looking on with a blank face but Clint was holding a bow and staring back at you and the challenge was clear. You met his eyes and raised the gun, pulling the trigger on your next exhale, keeping your gaze locked on his. You didn’t have to look to know that you had hit the target.

Clint let out a low whistle of approval but Natasha’s face remained impassive.

“Good, what time you’ll save on weapons training you can put into combat practice.” Natasha decided.

You scowled but dutifully followed the lethal task mistress back to the bars, scowling over your shoulder at a chuckling Clint.

Bucky knew there was someone new in the compound, some former thief who Steve had rushed into tell him about after breakfast. Apparently she was Barton’s younger sister and she had helped Steve when they pulled him out of the arctic. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting when he saw her but it wasn’t that.

He happened to look through the windows of the gym and nearly tripped over his own feet at the sight of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He was a hundred years old, he’d seen more than his share of dames but not one of them held a candle to the girl in the gym. The one with killer aim. He watched her effortlessly fire off the shots, hitting the targets with minimal effort and it was mesmerizing.

When she fired a bullet straight through Barton's arrow without looking all the blood rushed from Bucky’s head because it was without a doubt the sexiest thing he had ever seen. He had never even met the girl but right then and there he decided she was his soulmate.

“Well you are in terrible shape. I don’t know what they had you doing in the army but it wasn’t good enough. Thankfully you still have your instinct for combat and some strength. An intense training regime should have you in shape in a few week.” Natasha told you as you lay panting on the floor.

Clint wandered over and nudged you with his foot and you were too tired to stop him.

“Kill me.” You begged.

“Did that once, not doing it again.”

You frowned at his response. He was slightly upside down from this angle but that didn’t do much to hide the pain in his eyes. When Clint had helped you fake your death he hadn’t had much of a choice. Neither of you had. As much as you had missed him you suspected he missed his baby sister more. You wanted to tell him you were glad to be back with him, that you didn’t want to leave again.

“Sappy is a bad look on you.” You told him.

“Bleeding is about to be a good look on you.” He responded.

There, now he knew. Thank god for sibling short hand and reading between the lines. He pulled you to your feet and nodded at you.

“Start the clock.” Natasha instructed.

“3...2...1...GO!”

You steeled yourself as she advanced and shut your eyes like the brave woman you were. Her arms wrapped around you and you were pulled into a hug. Your eyes shot open and you shot a helplessly terrified look at you brother.

“Don’t do it again. We missed you too much.” Natasha whispered in your ear and released you.

“Tasha, I missed you so much. Every day.” You admitted, tearing up.

“Good.” She said.

And then she roundhouse kicked you in the face.

You winced and pressed an ice pack to your face as you grabbed a bowl of pasta from the buffet style spread in the kitchen. Apparently team dinners were a thing and there was one especially for you tonight. You leaned over the counter to grab a slice of cheesecake from the back of the table that looked slightly larger than the other slices. You put it next to your pasta and frowned, you could have sworn you chose pasta but there was now a sad looking plate of chicken breast and broccoli looking up at you.

“Part of getting you into shape is changing your diet.”

You whirled round to face Natasha who had an annoying smirk on her face as she plucked the cheesecake away from you.

Natasha kept her smirk as she walked away with the desert and sat at a table next to Clint, pushing an empty chair out with her foot and looking at you expectantly. You gave in and went to sit down, but not before throwing a dirty look at the offending chicken and vegetables.

“Hey Ice.” Sam greeted you as you sat down.

You just frowned grumpily at your table-mates and stabbed at her dinner. Natasha looked smug as she tucked into the cheesecake.

“What happened to your face?” Sam asked you in concern.

“60 seconds.” You, Clint and Natasha said in unison.

Sam looked terrified and rapidly changed the subject.

“Steve’s bringing Barnes down.” He said with a grimace.

“Friend of yours?” You smirked, wincing when it hurt your face.

“Arch nemesis. He’s the worst, you’ll hate him.” Sam assured you.

“Tony is coming down with Bruce. Brace yourself.” Clint told you.

“Hey, it’s not my fault his security is abysmal.” You defended yourself.

“Excuse me? Who is this stray child who has wandered into my home to eat my food and insult me?” Someone behind you demanded.

You turned around and looked at the infamous Tony Stark. He was dripping about as much ego and irritation as you expected while a timid and exhausted looking man stood behind him.

“Wow, it’s actually you!” You exclaimed, getting up and rushing past Tony to offer your hand to the one and only Bruce Banner.

“Oh hello. I’ve been told to just call you Ice. I’m Bruce banner but I guess you probably knew that.” Bruce said nervously buy politely.

“It’s an honour Dr Banner, I’m such a huge fan.” You admitted.

“Oh, you’re into science?” He asked, his eyes lighting up.

Natasha and Clint snorted behind you.

“Yes... and no. I like it, I’m just not very good at it. I think you are amazing, your brain is just so much better than mine. Like so much.” You stammered.

“Should we rescue her?” Sam whispered.

“Oh hell no, this is fun!” Tony insisted.

There was a slight chance that you were a little bit of a science nerd. Minus the nerd part. See you loved science, everything from the human brain to the stars and the fact that they were connected. It was all fascinating to you but you sadly lacked the genius gene.

“Your enthusiasm is wonderful, passion is 90% of science.” Bruce said nicely.

You noticed you were still shaking his hand and pulled away, blushing.

“No, no it’s not.” You said sadly.

He looked bad for you as you sat back down.

“I’m working on a biochemical sample from a rather fascinating species of Jellyfish at the moment. Perhaps tomorrow If you come by the lab I can show you?” He suggested and you sat up a little straighter.

“Careful Bruce, she might steal it.” Tony warned.

“Bruh, I stole an Iron Suit, big deal. That sculpture I left took me ages to make, don’t I get any credit?” You asked.

“No. None. I don’t like you.” Tony said, wagging his finger at you.

“Didn’t you end up redesigning the entire security system and making it even better?” Bruce asked him.

“Not the point Brucey, she’s a little street rat.” Tony scowled.

“I guess that makes you the magic carpet.” You pointed out and he scowled harder.

“Mr Stark I am sorry. I was young and foolish, I’ll never do it again.” You swore.

Tony’s eyes followed your hands as you signed your words, fork in hand.

“Do what again?” Steve asked before Tony could put his foot in his mouth.

You turned around to greet The Captain and promptly had the breath knocked from your lungs.

The dark haired smouldering man next to him was undoubtedly the most intimidating man you had ever seen. From the metal arm to the bulging muscles to the steely eyes and that perfect jawline. This was Bucky Barnes, The Winter Soldier. Barnes, Sams nemesis.

“I’m Sam’s friend.” You blurted out for lack of an actual coherent thought.

Steve looked between you and Sam with amusement but your eyes were still locked onto Bucky who finally looked up at you.

What little braincells you still had wandered away, skipping into the sunset and abandoning you. Bucky’s eyes were like steel traps and you were completely stuck in them. So stuck you didn’t see Steve nudge him.

“Hi.” Bucky said to you in a hoarse, raspy voice.

You may or may not have squeaked and turned your back on him. Well you definitely did but in your defence your brain cells were gone.

Bucky turned around and walked back out.

“I’m not hungry. For food, This food. I’m actually tired. I’m going to go to bed.” You announced and fled.

“What the fuck was that?” You hissed at yourself.

What indeed. There was absolutely no good reason for you to have reacted to Bucky that way.

You had been in a coma for nine days, Natasha had kicked you in the face today. You were overwhelmed emotionally. These were all actually perfectly good reasons when you thought about it.

You just needed to get some sleep, recharge and maybe, hopefully regrow some of those traitorous braincells. In the morning, you would apologise to Bucky Barnes. You would look him in the eyes, his gorgeou...

You would look somewhere in his general vicinity and apologise. Satisfied with your plan you got ready to settle into the massive luxury bed that was now yours.

Unaware that a few halls down Bucky was reprimanding himself for blowing his chances with before he even got to meet you properly. He calmed himself down by convincing himself that you were just a pretty girl with good aim, it wasn’t a huge loss if he never got to spend time with you. In the morning he would just treat you like a team mate and forgot the fleeting silly crush he’d developed.

In the morning, everything would be fine.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

So here it is, the first official chapter!! TaaaDaaaa! I really hope it was enjoyable for you guys and I would love to know what you thought, even (especially) if you didn't like it!

If you did like it, tag list is open if you wanna be on it :)

Massive Shoutout to @punitores-corde for holding my hand and walking me through how to address deafness properly! I hope I did ok with it beans, kick my ass if I didn't!

@shirukitsune @thelostallycat @jsmith509 @buckitybarnes

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elcorhamletlive · 5 years

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MCU Rewatch: Iron Man 2

(fair warning: this one got longer and more negative than I thought it would be)

I’m not sure if this is in the original dialogue, but the reproduction of the final scene of IM has Christine pointing out Tony hates bodyguards. That’s a nice info.

Fandom’s hot takes about Tony are always terrible, but looking at a guy who stands in front of a bunch of barely dressed women dancing in his honor and goes “I haven’t met anyone who’s man enough to go toe to toe with me on my best day” and saying “this character is female-coded”/”this character deconstructs toxic masculinity” is one serious “Delusion: Convince Yourself” moment.

That being said, I would be interested in reading a fic that ACTUALLY has Tony confront how much he projects toxic masculinity onto the world as a way to assure respect and how that shapes his relationships. If I go by canon, I can easily see Tony being more proprense to having a sexuality crisis/internalized homophobia than Steve, since the idea of being a “man” is so important to him. I’m not sure such a fic exists, though.

I’M SORRY I KNOW I’M HARPING ON THIS POINT but it just drives me MAD because the Iron Man franchise is by a mile the worst in the MCU when it comes to its treatment of its female characters so I want to bang my head against the wall when people act like, in terms of a gendered reading, Tony is meant to represent anything other than a very clear male fantasy. I mean, come on - the movie just cut through a few scenes from his pov and it actually had a close up on a random woman’s cleavage while Tony says “Oh, I remember you”. Like... COME ON.

This movie is like a walking argument against all my least favorite fanon!Tony tropes: where did people get that the media hates Tony?? It’s very clear that people like Christine are outliers, and the general public ADORES both him and Iron Man.

“I’ve successfullly privatized world peace” might be my least favorite Tony line ever, even more than the “I saw American citizens being killed” cringe-worthy moment in the first IM.

Okay, “if there’s one thing I’ve proven it’s that you can count on me to pleasure myself” is also a strong contender.

Tony going “oh yeah you should totally run the company WHAT AN AMAZING IDEA THAT HAS LITERALLY ONLY CROSSED MY MIND ONE SECOND AGO” and U immadiately showing up with a bottle of champagne and two glasses is absolutely adorable. Tony is totally an undercover romantic, even if his approach to it is terrible lol.

Tony searching for Natasha’s “qualifications” and enlarging a picture of her in lingerie is just... Wow. So many parts of this movie have aged very poorly.

Christine not moving her recorder when Hammer is like “maybe we should put this away” is amazing. lol One thing this rewatch is definitely giving me is a bigger appreciation for Christine in general.

Tony’s hair in this movie is just amazing. One of my favorites hairstyles of his for sure.

The case suit up is very cool, and the first battle with Vanko is pretty awesome, but I feel like the movie kind of sabotages itself because it spends so many scenes just building up Vanko and then when he actually attacks Tony stops him pretty easily, all things considered. I get that there’s a point to it, but it feels anticlimatic.

Oh Tony speaks french! I didn’t know that.

“I’ll send you a bar of soap.” So Tony making rape jokes it not just a Whedon thing. Welp.

Tony taking three hours to make an omelette is such a mood. lol

I kind of love the scene with Tony and Pepper on the plane. So much of this movie is Tony attempting to reach out to Pepper without ACTUALLY reaching out by telling her what’s going on, and it creates an interesting dynamic. He wants her, wants to be with her, but can’t bring himself to actually ask it, and therefore she can’t understand what he’s asking in order to accept it. This says a lot about how Tony handles love and feelings, I think.

I feel like this movie would have vastly improved if Vanko and Hammer had just been in cahoots from the beggining. So much time is wasted in setting up this alliance and it’s not like we learn anything about either character that we couldn’t have gathered otherwise. It’s like watching a version of IM with an extra half-hour of Obie allying himself to the Ten Rings.

Natasha breaking into a fighting stance the second shit gets real is a fantastic “blink-and-you’ll-miss-it” moment.

Ngl I really dislike the fact that Rhodey’s first suit up is all about baby sitting Tony, and not about himself. We barely get to see any of his feelings about taking the role as War Machine. And I feel like the way he takes the suit sends such a confusing message, because Fury and Natasha confirm to us Tony let him take it, and yet in the party scene... he doesn’t? Like, he fights back pretty heavily and it doesn’t seem at all like something he’s planned. I don’t blame people for thinking Rhodey stole the suit, because the entire party scene before Fury shows up frames it as such.

It’s WILD that this movie frames Howard deporting a person back to the Soviet Union as Howard being noble because Anton Vanko was “in it for the money”. Just... Wild.

In fact, the whole framing of the Howard issue is so weird. Tony and Howard’s relationship only comes up when Fury shows up, and that’s halfway through the movie, and then it’s supposed to be the Big Solution even though... It wasn’t really a theme until this point?

Tony’s FACE when he sees the shield... and then he uses it to make everything “perfectly level”................ MY HEART

Sam Rockwell is a delight lmao. I love his dance.

The way people clap when Tony arrives is a stark contrast with the lukewarm reception Hammer got. Again: the public loves Tony.

I live for Natasha taking down every security guard in the time Happy takes to subdue one guy. Her moves are great (also, her curls are great - this is a great movie for hairstyles).

This Pepperony kiss is like. SO unwarranted?? Pepper has just learned Tony has been dying and keeping it from her?? And we don’t get any sort of emotional reaction about this or resolution about Tony’s inability to express his feelings??? They just... kiss and it’s all right, I guess?

“Get a roof” does make chuckle, though.

Aaand it’s over. That... that was a rough one, if I’m gonna be honest. This was one of my least favorite MCU movies the first time I watched it, and I hoped the rewatch could make me enjoy it more, but... this really wasn’t the case. I feel like this movie could have raised a lot of themes with its elements, but it just... doesn’t? Like, a lot of stuff happens, but very little actually advances the characters or their relationships. So much time is spent on setting up Vanko as this super badass villain, and then not only he’s easily defeated, but the whole “he’s carrying his father’s legacy just as Tony is” thing never goes anywhere. Tony is DYING, and then halfway through he isn’t, and although while he’s dying he pushes away both of the people closest to him, neither of them get to really have a reaction to this? Rhodey never actually finds out??? It just doesn’t work for me. Like, there are fun moments, and I get these characters and cast are enjoyable to watch doing basically anything, but the movie in itself is just... Meh.

#mcu rewatch #negativity #mcu negativity #the tags make it seem worse than it is lol but just so you're warned

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tisfan · 6 years

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Hook, Line, and Sinker

Title: Hook, Line, and Sinker by @tisfan Link: AO3 Square Filled: R3 - dares/bets Ship: Bucky/Tony, Tony & Rhodey Rating: teen Major Tags: hangover, broship, rhodey is a good bro, dares/bets, blind date, sort of, pre-slash Summary: Tony woke up with a hangover and someone’s phone number. Rhodey doesn’t quite believe it. With Tony’s prize Shelby on the line... Word Count: 1,885 Created for @tonystarkbingo

A/n: This is the sequel to this February’s Candy Hearts ficlet, Pick-up lines, but the story is self-contained. A requested and tipped fic for @unreliableunseelie

Tony woke up with a head full of cotton batting, a mouth full of dragon shit, and a memory of the previous evening that was entirely lacking.

He managed to roll over, away from the very annoying beam of light -- light, hah, felt more like a brain-destroying laser -- that was flooding his room, at the expense of everything left over in his stomach rebelling. “Oh, god,” he said, and then sprinted for the bathroom.

Okay, sprint was pushing it. Ambled with purpose and direction.

Whatever he’d eaten had probably tasted better on the way down, but since Tony couldn’t remember anything after he and Rhodey hit the third bar, he couldn’t guarantee it. He was just trying to find a bar that had the right ambiance.

He wasn’t sure he’d managed it.

He bid farewell to his late night snack, flushed, rinsed his mouth, spit. Used the bathroom for its other purpose, flushed again.

Considered taking a shower.

Considered not taking a shower.

Honestly, his sadiversary was getting to be old news, and he was too old to be acting like that anymore anyway.

He wasn’t even sure he really missed Steve anymore.

Did he?

He didn’t. Tony decided that, firmly. He did not miss Steve, that wasn’t going to happen anymore.

He tried to remember if he’d decided that last year, too.

Maybe he could go for a big party, his five year sadiversary next year, and then, it could all be over, over, over.

“Or you could just stop,” Tony told his reflection.

Shower.

He could do it.

Not mourning his failed relationships any longer.

He could do that, too.

Tony emptied his pockets; he’d apparently just rolled into bed, since the only thing he was missing from his outfit were his shoes and tie. And god only knew, he might have thrown the tie out last night. He’d been known to do that sort of thing before.

“New man,” he told his reflection. “New life.”

Wallet. Keys. Phone.

Cocktail napkin.

Cocktail napkin?

There were digits on a cocktail napkin. In his pocket.

“Jarvis, call Rhodey,” he told his phone. His phone did its thing while Tony finished getting undressed. “Speaker.”

“There’s coffee already prepped for you downstairs, no you didn’t puke last night before I left,” Rhodey said as soon as he picked up. “Your car is fine, we left it at the garage, and as far as I know, there are no warrants out for your arrest.”

“Thank you for that cheerful morning report,” Tony said. He turned the shower on and shivered as the water didn’t insta-heat and the first blast was cold over his forearm and hand.

“Seems like what you’d want to know,” Rhodey said. “How’s the hangover?”

“I think it’s been worse,” Tony said, stepping into the spray. It was still not as warm as he wanted it to be, so he turned it up some while he waited, cringing all the way in the back of the shower, away from the cold.

Which was stupid, because thirty seconds later it was way too hot and he had to reach through it to turn it down. He should get on the set-my-preferences shower system that would just… chime when it was ready. Like a microwave.

Except, you know, nothing like an actual microwave, because those were dangerous, even on short term exposure.

“You were doing okay, last night,” Rhodey said. “With the drinking. But then you decided to play bertie botts every flavor ice cream last night with some ridiculous little ice cream shop that’s open twenty-four seven and what the hell man, I could not keep you from eating chocolate and jalapeno ice cream at three in the morning.”

“Well, that explains my rude awakening,” Tony said. He considered that for a moment. “Did I say it was good? I mean, it sounds kinda awful, but also intriguing.”

“I didn’t eat it,” Rhodey said. “And I don’t lick another man’s ice cream cone, that’s just wrong. Especially when it’s yours.”

“So what kind did you have?”

“Maple Bacon with Jack Daniels,” Rhodey said without a hint of shame.

“Where’s this ice cream shop again? I think I’d like to go there when I’m sober.”

“We can make that happen, Tones.”

“Great,” Tony said. He filled his luffa with shower gel and was instantly drowning in some vaguely outdoorsy scented soap. “So, tell me, did I score last night?”

“You certainly did not,” Rhodey said.

“Really? Cause I got digits here that say otherwise.”

“That is a fake number, that guy totally did not give you his real number, you were being a total drunken asshole, flirting with some bar-bum. Like the worst lines ever. I wouldn’t date you with those lines.”

“Rhodey, you’ve known me since I was fifteen. I’m pretty sure if you were going to date me, you’d have said something about it by now. Fake number, huh?”

“You don’t remember?”

“I don’t even remember the ice cream, much less flirting,” Tony said.

“Oh, well… too bad. You two totally played tonsil hockey for a while,” Rhodey said.

“I thought you said it was a fake number,” Tony said. He rubbed shampoo into his hair. “So, if we were necking, that seems to counter the theory that it’s fake.”

“It was a pity kiss,” Rhodey said.

“Nobody gives pity kisses,” Tony scoffed. “And even if they did, no one would pity kiss me. I mean, I’m… good looking. Mostly.” He rinsed his hair, let the shower water run down his head for a while. Maybe he could drown in the shower, that might cure the hangover. Of course, it would mean drowning, and that just sounded uncomfortable. Not to mention, the whole being naked and dead thing. Would he even care about his image if he was dead, or would he be too dead to care?

Tony shook his head, which was a mistake.

“Don’t even try that false modesty bullshit, Tony,” Rhodey said. “You know you’re the thing. Mr. Thing, Mr. Third most Eligible.”

“Yeah, I never liked that shit, brings the gold diggers out in full force. One of these days, I’d like someone to like me for… you know. Me.”

“Yeah, Tones, what’s not to like about you?”

“I hear that sarcasm,” Tony said. “And you’re hurting me here, sourpatch. I am hurt. Like, there might be actual tears and everything.”

“Look,” Rhodey said, “you and that guy, you were on the same page last night, but I’m telling you, you were reading totally different books.”

“I’m gonna call him,” Tony said.

Rhodey scoffed. “No, you’re not.”

“I am.” He wasn’t.

“I bet you it’s a false number.”

“Bet you it isn’t.”

“Oh, it’s on, Tones,” Rhodey said. “A hundred dollars says it’s a fake.”

“Five hundred,” Tony said, “verses --” he paused, trying to think of something Rhodey actually wanted that Tony might feel bad about giving him. There wasn’t much; usually Rhodey wouldn’t let Tony give him gifts, not like expensive, real ones, at any rate. And Pepper kept boycotting his idea of buying Rhode Island and renaming it. She said it wasn’t a good tax write off. Spoilsport.

“The Shelby.”

“Wo-- my car?”

“Tony, you have like seventy cars. But I like that one.”

“Deal. I’ll take my winnings in cash, no trade value,” Tony said. “Jarvis, end call.”

Tony got out of the shower and toweled off. Less vigorously than normal because see previously mentioned: hung over. Got his bathrobe and made his way to the kitchen. Punched the button on his coffee machine.

Considered the cocktail napkin and his phone.

Drank his coffee.

Dialed the number.

“Mmmphs?” a voice said, a male voice, even, so Tony figured he might be getting somewhere. “If this isn’t an insanely good looking guy, I’m hanging up.”

“Well, you’re in luck today,” Tony said.

“Do I know you?” the voice wondered. “Because really, I don’t think I made friends with people who were cheerful at… ug… it’s not even nine in the morning, what kind of masochist are you, it’s Saturday.”

Already, a man after my own heart. “Um, this is probably going to sound weird, but uh… did you give your number to anyone last night?”

There was a very long pause and Tony might have thought that the person hung up, except he could hear breathing.

“Yessss,” the man said, tentatively. “If you’re a friend of Sammie’s though, and this is a joke, you let that half-assed--”

“Not a joke--” Tony protested. “I found a cocktail napkin in my pocket, and I was wondering…” Wondering what, actually. If he was the guy from last night, if they’d had a good time, if it was a nice kiss, what’s your name, what do you look like… “would you like to have an ice cream with me. Today?”

“Wha---?” The guy asked. “Are you seriously asking me on an ice cream date after a ten minute conversation in a bar?”

“Why not?” Might as well roll with it, now that he’d gotten started. “Just, no strings or anything, no nothing. Just ice cream and a little get to know you. What, coffee dates are lame, everyone does coffee dates. I drink so much coffee that it’s like having a date at the corner water cooler.”

“Yeah, okay,” the guy said. “Ice cream date. Sure, why not?”

“Okay, so… four o’clock? Um… I’ll, um, text you the address? And… I might have had beer goggles on last night, so, text me back a picture? Just to make sure, because I’m pretty sure the conversation was with an angel, or a model or something.” Tony didn’t actually remember the guy at all, but a little flattery. And he’d win his bet… right? He could part with the car if the picture was scary. Hell, even if the picture wasn’t scary, he owed the guy for letting him know what Rhodey wanted for his next present.

“Sure,” the guy said. “I’ll… uh, see you at four, then.”

“Yep!”

Fortunately, typing in maple bacon jack daniels ice cream in his search engine got him the address for the ice cream shop. He texted his date -- who… had a name. And it was probably a boy’s name, too, except Tony didn’t know it. Fuck.

Then he texted Rhodey: Got a date. Four o’clock. Ice cream shop. Cash only!

A few seconds later, he texted again. Or, if he happened to tell me his name last night and you remember it, I’ll forgive you for betting against me.

New Text From Rhodey: Bucky Barnes.

Tony stared at the screen for a long moment. Then. You’re forgiven for thinking it was a fake number because I’m not sure that’s a real name.

New text from unknown number: Selfie from the gym a few weeks ago.

Attached was a picture of a guy wearing a baseball hat and workout clothes, scowling fiercely and pulling up his shirt to reveal ridiculously sculpted abs.

Tony stared.

“You’d think I’d remember him,” he said wistfully.

Texted back See you at Four.

New text from unknown number: looking forward to it. My first ice cream date since high school.

Tony texted Rhodey again, attaching the picture.

Cash. Only. I lied. You are totally not forgiven.

#tonystarkbingo2018 #tonystarkbingo #dares and bets #tony & rhodey broship #preslash #winteriron

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hannahberrie · 6 years

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Stranger Things Returns Bigger and Darker Than Ever Before

[A/N]: I’m currently enrolled in a Magazine Writing class at university, in which we write magazine-style feature essays. For one of my assignments, we got to do a review essay on a media of our choice. I, of course, went with the second season of Stranger Things!

My professor wound up really loving it, she’s even going to use it to teach future classes! Some of you guys said you were curious to read it, so here it is! Small disclaimer: I kind of spill the tea on just a few things that I didn’t like about the season, so please don’t hate me for my opinions!

After the first season of Stranger Things skyrocketed into the pop-culture stratosphere last summer, the bar for the second installment was set dauntingly high. The creators of the infamous Netflix original series, twin brothers Ross and Matt Duffer, were no longer unknown underdogs with minimal experience under their belts, but rather household names credited with creating one of Netflix’s most popular television series to date.

Stranger Things 2 was released on October 27, 2017. The installment was largely promoted as a cinematic sequel, despite the season’s nine-episode composition. This would prove to be risky. “Netflix was like, ‘Don’t do that, because sequels are known to be bad,’” Matt Duffer said to Entertainment Weekly, recounting what had happened upon pitching the second season. “I was like, ‘Yes, but what about T2 and Aliens and Toy Story 2 and Godfather II?’ We want people to argue about what season is better. I want the debate. I want the Toy Story debate!”

So, now that the second season has been released, one looming question remains: Could Stranger Things 2 possibly live up to the first season?

Yes.

When we return to Hawkins, Indiana, the fictional town where Things is set, we’re reunited with all the characters we came to love in the previous installment. Will (Noah Schnapp), Mike (Finn Wolfhard), Lucas (Caleb Mclaughlin), and Dustin (Gaten Matarazzo) are now 13 years-old and back to doing what they love: geeking out over video games. Joyce (Winona Ryder), Will’s mother, has a new love interest in her life. Nancy (Natalia Dyer), Mike’s older sister, is still mourning the loss of her best friend from the previous season, while also dealing with the ongoing love triangle between Steve (Joe Keery), the once hard-hearted jock turned softie, and Jonathan (Charlie Heaton), Will’s older brother and the quiet, ever-dedicated introvert. Police Chief Hopper (David Harbour) is back to dealing with the dull crimes of Hawkins residents, notably two farmers arguing over who poisoned the other’s pumpkin patch.

But, in typical Stranger Things fashion, nothing is as it seems. Will, having been rescued from The Upside Down (a dark, mirrored dimension of our world) in the last season, is still struggling with the trauma of his experience. The newly re-staffed Hawkins Laboratory is still shrouded with secrets. And who could forget about Eleven (Millie Bobby Brown), the adorable, bad-ass, telekinetic 13-year-old who seemingly disappeared in last season’s finale?

To quote Matt Duffer, “It’s cliché to say bigger and darker,” but the second season of Stranger Things is exactly that, though it does take its time building up to it. While last season dropped viewers right into the action, this season is much more of a slow build. The first few episodes feel more like character studies than a sci-fi thriller, but it works. The Duffers have created a sandbox full of diverse and lovable characters, and now they get to play in it. There are several scenes that, while adding little to the overarching plot, are entertaining in and of themselves, as they just show the characters being themselves, like Mike and Lucas arguing over who gets to be Venkman (à la Ghostbusters) for Halloween, Steve providing Dustin with hair styling advice, Joyce struggling to play back a VHS-C tape, or Eleven breathlessly captivated by the soap operas she watches on TV.

While the last season kept characters’ plotlines grouped into three main categories (the kids, the teens, and the adults), season two blurs these borders. Relationships seamlessly broaden outside their natural boundaries as new character dynamics are explored. In particular, the bonds that form between Steve and Dustin, as well as Hopper and Eleven, are heart-warming and ingenious combinations. Both pairings provide not only humorous fun, but emotional weight, and the acting chemistry between the respective performers is undeniable.

However, the new season is definitely not all fun and games. As the episodes go on, the plot slowly builds upon itself, taking small moments and extrapolating them. Events that seem mundane, such as Will feeling chilly or Dustin finding a slug-like creature in his trash can, turn out to have monstrous consequences (no pun intended).

Nowhere is this phenomenon best executed than through Schnapps’ performance as Will Byers. In season one, Will hardly had any screen time, but in the new installment, he’s the primary driver behind all the main action. His performance starts off with a subdued Will, an average kid who feels isolated by his peers. When he tells his older brother, Jonathan, that he’s sick of feeling like “a freak,” because of how carefully he’s treated, his voice aches with the painstaking frustration of any child who just wants to live a normal life. But by the final episodes, in grating contrast, Schnapp’s performance explodes into a frenzied, darkened terror. As the darkness from the Upside Down overwhelms Will, Schnapp writhes in convulsive fits, screams in complete and utter agony, and at times (perhaps most horrifically) is completely, emotionlessly, and hauntingly still.

Despite being only 13 years old, Schnapp completely excels in Stranger Things 2, and I wouldn’t be surprised if his powerful performance makes him one of the youngest Emmy-award winners to date. His performance, along with the continually solid delivery from the rest of the cast, makes the show.

While the season may start slow, the payoff is completely worth the wait; it all cumulates in an electrifying, heart-pounding final two episodes that are some of the best hours of television I’ve ever seen.

However, this new season is not without its faults. The story falters when it dares to step outside of Hawkins. Two new characters are introduced: young tomboy Max (Sadie Sink) and her Jack-Nicholson-esque older brother Billy (Dacre Montgomery), but both feel largely one-dimensional. While not unlikable, Max doesn’t add much to the overall arc of the story, and largely serves as a plot device to create tension between Dustin and Lucas. Her brother Billy, while terrifying, often feels like he’s just there to bide time for the show and add a little drama on the side. There’s definitely potential to be explored with both characters, but this season leaves them thoroughly underdeveloped.

The biggest step outside of Hawkins takes place in episode 7, one of the most polarizing episodes in the whole series. The Lost Sister spends the entirety of its runtime taking Eleven out of Hawkins and into Chicago, where she meets up with a rag-tag gang of criminals who have darker intentions lurking beneath the surface. The Duffer Brothers insist that this episode was necessary, stating that “Eleven’s journey kind of fell apart, like the ending didn’t work, without it.” Even though the episode does give Eleven the opportunity to grow and strengthen as an individual, it’s unfortunately filled with unlikeable characters, feels painfully long and repetitive, and is the only episode of the series that I might consider skipping upon re-watch.

The Duffer Brothers reportedly want a four-season run for the series, but in order to do this, they’ll have to master the balance of expanding Hawkins while also staying true to the heart of the show. Season 2 shows hints of this, but it’s still a work-in-progress. Nevertheless, the new season is deeply satisfying and a true love-letter to its fans. I had the pleasure of watching it surrounded by friends and family, and throughout the entirety of its nine-hour-runtime, we were cheering, pleading, screaming, laughing, crying, and having the time of our lives, something that I believe is a welcome and much-needed relief.

Even though the original season of Stranger Things aired only a year ago, the world, particularly the United States, has arguably changed since its July 2016 release. Trump was elected into office. Three major hurricanes tore apart regions like Texas, Florida, and Puerto Rico. We’ve seen over 17 terrorist-related attacks, including the worst mass shooting to date.

As tension seeps deeper into our world, the darkness can often feel suffocating. This is similarly mirrored in Stranger Things 2. The first season was bright with childlike ingenuity. Even when attempting a feat so immensely impossible as saving their best friend, Will, from another dimension, the characters found strength through relying on each other and relating their problems to familiar entities, like Dungeons and Dragons.

In contrast, despite all the monsters, superpowers, and multiple dimensions, the second season is weighted with the gravity of reality. The boys have to learn that not every problem can be solved like a board game. As Mike states when discussing how the boys should protect Will, “This isn’t D&D. This is real life.”

The second season is much darker, and not just in a figurative sense. The lighting often shadows scenes in blacks, reds, and yellows — colors that traditionally represent deceit, hazard, aggression, danger, and fear.

The violence is more graphic as well. Instead of a lone Demogorgon monster creeping out of The Upside Down and capturing a single victim, there are hoards that feast upon their prey with bloodied vigor. No character is safe as even the lives of the children are continually put on the line.

Times have changed. The stakes have changed.

But despite all this, it would be thoroughly inaccurate to write Stranger Things off as a depressing, nihilist series. For with every gruesome horror, there are pulsating moments of hope and light that continue to carry the show just as strongly as they did in season one. One of the most heart-wrenching and warming moments takes place in the penultimate episode, The Mind Flayer, in which Joyce, Mike, and Jonathan attempt to reach the remaining ounce of Will that hasn’t been swallowed up by the demonic force possessing him. Though tears stream down their faces and their voices are laden with sorrow, they powerfully recount their happiest memories spent with him: Mike meeting Will on the first day of preschool, Jonathan building a fort with Will after their father walked out on them, and Joyce’s proud recollection of Will’s 8th birthday, in which he drew a spaceship for her with his new box of 120 crayons. Will stares back at them, shaking, a single, intense light illuminating his wide-eyed face.

The moment stands out as one of the best written, directed, and acted scenes in the whole season, and reminds not only the show’s characters, but we as viewers, to never give up. Even when it seems that all we love has been lost, there is light, there is strength, and there is hope.

#berrie fics #i do like max fyi #i just think the duffers need to do more with her character #stranger things

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sunriserose1023 · 7 years

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Just Roommates

Here’s my entry for @bionic-buckyb‘s AU Writing Challenge! (Sorry it’s so late. I’m the worst.)

RATING: PG PROMPT: Roommates WORD COUNT: 4593 CHARACTERS: Female reader, Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers, Wanda Maximoff, Bucky’s parents (mentioned), Sam Wilson (mentioned), Peggy Carter (mentioned) WARNINGS: THIS IS AN AU, GUYS; language

TAGS: This is my first time writing Marvel, so I don’t know who to tag! @mamapeterson, I know you like some Marvel stuff.

You stood at the side of the bed, a bowl of Frosted Flakes in one hand, a spoon in the other. You were slowly taking bites, taking your time chewing, savoring the crunch of the cereal. You tilted your head to one side, then rolled your eyes, loudly clearing your throat.

The blonde in the bed blinked open mascara-smeared eyes, pulling the covers up around her naked body, but not before you got a shot of her clearly surgically-enhanced chest.

Naturally, you thought.

She closed one eye, squinting the other, then lifted the hand not currently holding the blanket to rub at that eye. She shook her head, then spoke, voice raspy and hoarse.

“Who are you?”

You smiled around the bite you had in your mouth, chewing and swallowing before you spoke.

“Bucky’s wife. Who are you?”

Her eyes widened, shock evident in her features. She sat bolt upright in the bed, clutching the blanket in both hands. She started shaking her head, eyes still wide and scared, and you couldn’t hold back anymore. You snorted, letting the spoon fall back into the bowl. After laughing to yourself, you shook your head, meeting her eyes.

“I’m just kidding. But you should totally see your face right now.”

She blinked, sinking back to the bed, and you laughed again.

“I’m Bucky’s roommate.” “Y/N?”

You blinked but nodded, and she let out a breath, pushing a hand through her hair.

“He told me about you last night.”

You pursed your lips, slowly nodding. She shook her head, motioning to the bed behind her.

“Not here. Before.” “Well, thank God.”

You both laughed, and you took another bite of your cereal. You chewed and swallowed, then nodded to her.

“Look, I hate to do this, but you’ve got to go. Bucky had class early this morning, and we’re supposed to do some stuff with his family later, so I’ve got to get to cleaning this place.”

“Cesspool” was the word you wanted to use, especially in the room you were currently standing in, but you held back. She nodded, and you took a step backwards, stirring your cereal.

“I’ll let you get your … clothes.”

She nodded again, and you left the room, closing the door behind you and rolling your eyes. You walked to the kitchen and finished your cereal, placing the bowl and the spoon in the dishwasher when she stepped out of Bucky’s room. You realized you hadn’t even asked her name, but it’s not like you’d ever see her again. She held her shoes in her hands as she walked closer to you, and you pushed a smile on your face. She smiled back, nodding her head.

“It was nice meeting you.” “Oh, you too! I called you a cab. It’s waiting right outside the front door.”

She gave you a grateful smile, then turned and walked out. As soon as the door shut, you let the smile slide from your face. You walked to your bedroom and knocked on the door, leaning against the wall.

“Coast is clear.”

Your bedroom door opened to reveal the lanky frame of Bucky Barnes, a pair of sweatpants slung low on his hips. He glanced around, then crossed his arms over his bare chest, giving you a smile. You shook your head.

“You’re pathetic, Barnes.”

You walked back to the kitchen with a whining Bucky at your heels.

“I know. I’m a worthless human being. The lowest of the low.” “Well, I wouldn’t go that far.” “Really?” “I take it back. How hard is it to put a damn plate in the dishwasher, Buck?”

He gave a sheepish smile, and you shook your head as you loaded his dishes into the dishwasher. Bucky sat on one of the barstools and picked an apple out of the bowl of fruit at the edge of the bar. He took a bite, talking with his mouth full.

“So what’d you tell her?” “Can you swallow before you speak? Don’t!”

You pointed at him, and he closed his mouth, sitting back on the stool. You shook your head, turning your back to him, squirting some dish soap onto a sponge and attacking a pan.

“I told her you’d gone to class and I had to clean for the thing we have with your parents tonight.” “Nice.” “It wasn’t completely a lie. You do have dinner with your parents tonight.”

Bucky groaned, and you smiled as you continued to scrub. You glanced over your shoulder to see one muscular arm stretched out, his head resting on it. You laughed, shaking your head.

“Drama queen.” “Dinner just … takes so much out of me.” “So, what? You sit for an hour, get a free meal, and nine times out of ten, you bring the waitress back here and do unmentionable things that make me bring out my headphones and pray for a thunderstorm.”

Bucky laughed, lifting himself back to a sitting position.

“It doesn’t really bother you, does it?” “Why do you think I ask for headphones every time a gift-giving occasion comes around?”

Bucky made a face.

“Sorry.” “You lie.” “No, really. I don’t mean to bother you. Or make you …” “Want to bleach my brain?”

He made another face, and you shook your head, smiling as you reached into the sink, pulling the stopper out of the drain.

“I’ve dealt with it this long, Barnes. I’m a big girl, and I can handle it. Hey, maybe I’ll start bringing guys back and we can have contests to see who can rattle the walls the most.”

You winked at him and left the room, walking into your bedroom and shutting the door behind you.

Bucky, on the other hand, stared at your closed door, wondering why your last statement made him uneasy.

You were stretched out on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, a glass of wine on the table in front of you and the latest episode of your favorite show on Netflix. You’d just started a new episode when you heard a key in the front door. You looked over, then grabbed the remote and paused your show.

Bucky walked in, shutting the door behind him and leaning against it. You wrinkled your nose, speaking when he looked over to you.

“That bad?”

He groaned, walking over and flopping onto the couch beside you. You’d pulled your legs up to give him room, and he reached over, taking hold of your shins and pulling your legs onto his lap. He rested back against the couch, closing his eyes, and you bit your lip.

“Well, you’re not drunk, so that’s a good sign?”

Bucky snorted.

“Yeah, I guess.” “Want some wine?”

He shook his head, not opening his eyes.

“Want to tell me about it?”

He sighed, then blinked his blue eyes open.

“Same old shit, honestly. Ma and Pop are ready for me to ‘unleash my full potential.’ ‘It’s time for you to settle down, James.’” “Ooh, they broke out the ‘James?’”

Bucky nodded.

“Pop started talking about the company, and how I’m supposed to head it up, and Ma’s talking about weddings and I’m like … just sitting there.”

He rolled his head to the side, where he could meet your eyes.

“Am I a huge fuck-up?”

You tilted your head to the side.

“Where is this coming from?”

He sighed, moving back to look up at the ceiling.

“I don’t know. I guess I’m … having a midlife crisis or something.”

You let out a laugh.

“Buck, you’re not even thirty yet. Little early for a midlife crisis.” “Existential crisis, then.”

You shook your head.

“You’re the best man I know, Barnes.” “You’re just saying that.” “False.”

He met your eyes again, and you smiled.

“You’re the one thing I’ve always been able to count on, Buck. From elementary school to now. So it took us a few years to get to college. We’re there now.” “Yeah, but I mean … Look at Steve.”

You rolled your eyes.

“No offense, but you’re not exactly the wholesome and pure, all-American type that Steve Rogers is.” “Gee, thanks. This is making me feel better already.”

You giggled, shaking your head.

“Steve … he lucked up and got a modeling gig that turned into …” “A world-wide phenomenon?”

You shrugged your shoulders.

“Sure.”

Bucky let out a laugh, and you spoke again.

“Steve was always different than us, Buck. And not necessarily in a bad way. Just … different. And that’s cool. But you can’t expect us all to turn out the same way. Steve’s saving the world, and we’re … not. Not yet, anyway.”

He sighed, reaching down and beginning to massage your feet through the blanket you were wrapped up in.

“I just … I don’t know.” “Tell me.” “I don’t know if I’m cut out for a nine-to-five office job. I mean, I watched Pop do it every day my whole life, and I’ve always thought … I don’t know. That there’s something better out there. That can’t be all there is to life, you know?”

You nodded, smiling.

“You got a serious case of wanderlust, Barnes. I can say that, because I’ve got it, too.” “Really?”

You nodded.

“I just don’t have the means of making it happen. Therefore, I am here, getting an education that will allow me to get a job that will allow me time off for vacations that will allow me to abate the wanderlust a little at a time.”

Bucky laughed.

“You’ve got it all figured out, don’t you, babe?”

You cheeks flushed at the nickname.

“I do my best.”

You gave a quiet groan when Bucky dug his fingers into the arch of your foot, and he raised an eyebrow.

“Sorry, am I hurting you?” “God, no. It feels amazing.”

You both laughed, and Bucky smiled at you as he continued his ministrations.

“I’m glad you’re here, Y/N. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” “You’ll never have to find out, Barnes. I’m not going anywhere.”

With the aroma of fresh coffee filling the apartment, you walked to Bucky’s bedroom door and knocked twice.

“Breakfast is ready. And by ‘breakfast,’ I mean coffee, because we both know I don’t do shit in the morning but pour cereal into bowls.”

You pulled your mug out of the cabinet and poured coffee into it, taking in a deep breath and closing your eyes, letting the fragrance fill your senses, your brain already perking up. You took a sip and made a face, heading for the refrigerator and doctoring your coffee the way you liked it. You let out a happy sigh once you took another sip, then glanced over as Bucky’s door opened.

He was shirtless, like he usually was when he first woke up, but today he was wearing a pair of blue plaid pajama bottoms. The last time you’d woken him up … scratch that. He’d woken you up by holding a magazine in front of his crotch, begging you to get the latest bimbo out of his bed.

You pursed your lips as you watched him meander around the kitchen, grabbing a mug and scratching at his chest while he filled the mug with coffee.

“Morning, handsome.”

He grunted at you, and you giggled, taking another sip of your coffee, wincing as he lifted his mug and drained half the liquid. He let out a breath, then topped off his mug, glancing to you and holding out the coffeepot. You shook your head and he put the pot back in its place, turning to lean against the counter as he drank. You held your mug between both hands, never moving it far from your mouth.

“Sleep okay?”

Bucky lifted a shoulder and let it fall.

“Had better, had worse. You?” “Same.”

He nodded, taking another swig. You bit your lip, then spoke again.

“What time did you get home last night?”

Bucky yawned, pushing a hand through his hair.

“About one. Sam had training or something this morning.”

You nodded, taking another sip from your mug.

“No new friends around?”

Bucky smiled.

“Nah. I, uh … I don’t know. Guess it’s part of the ‘growing up’ my dad was talking about. One night stands are only good for … well, one thing.”

You snorted, and it trailed into full-fledged laughter that Bucky joined in on. You shook your head and looked into your mug, taking another sip.

“You’re pretty when you laugh.”

Your head shot up, and Bucky drained his mug. He walked over, putting it in the sink, lifting his hands over his head. He walked back to his room, shutting the door behind him, leaving you staring at his door until your coffee had gone cold.

“What is up with you?”

You glanced across the table, seeing the foreign exchange student, one of your closest friends on campus, smiling back at you. You shook your head, and Wanda smiled, speaking again in her softly accented English.

“What are you thinking about? You seem … far away today.”

You smiled and nodded, letting out a sigh.

“Just … stuff.” “I like stuff. Enlighten me on your stuff.”

You laughed, putting the cap on your pen and pushing your notebook aside. Wanda shut the book she’d been studying and leaned closer to you. You looked down at your hands as you spoke.

“I think something’s going on between me and Bucky.” “Ooh, really? Tell me more.”

You laughed, then shrugged your shoulders.

“I don’t know. It’s just … things seem … different, lately.” “How so?” “Well, he hasn’t brought a girl home in a while. The only times he goes out is to meet his dad, or his guy friends. Other than that, he’s with me.” “This is good, no?”

You nodded.

“It is good, it’s just … I don’t know.” “No, you do know. Keep talking.”

You smiled, looking back down. After a moment of silence, Wanda spoke.

“Do you not want something to happen with Bucky?”

You shrugged your shoulders.

“I wouldn’t be terribly opposed, but … we’re friends, you know? And we’ve been friends for a really long time. I don’t want to mess that up.” “You and Bucky are very close. That is visible to anyone who sees you. Trust me when I say, he feels the same.”

You laughed.

“Wanda, thank you for being so sweet, but I promise you, he doesn’t.” “Have you asked him?” “No!” “Then how would you know?”

You shook your head.

“He’s not interested in me. I’m just his roommate.”

Wanda laughed this time. She shook her head, gathering her books and loading them into her bag, putting the bag on her shoulder as she spoke to you.

“If you two are ‘just roommates,’ I’d hate to see him with someone he really loves.”

She walked away, leaving you by yourself, caught up in your thoughts.

You walked to Bucky’s door, rapping on it with your knuckles.

“Buck, phone.”

He opened his door and poked his head out. He had his gaming headset on, a controller in one hand.

“What?”

You smiled.

“There’s a Melissa on the phone for you. Sounds blonde.”

You held your hands in front of your chest, mouthing the words “big boobs,” making Bucky roll his eyes. You laughed and turned away, going to the door as the doorbell rang. You paid for the Chinese food and shut the door behind you, just as Bucky shut his bedroom door and met you in the kitchen. He grabbed a container, opening it and making a face, then pushing it towards you. You giggled and tore open a pair of chopsticks, picking up an egg roll and dropping it in your container.

“So what time you leaving?”

Bucky raised an eyebrow, mouth full of fried wonton. You shook your head, a soft smile on your face.

“To meet Melissa.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, swallowing his mouthful.

“I’m not.” “What?”

He shrugged his shoulders.

“I don’t even remember what she looks like. Plus, her voice? Annoying as fuck.”

You laughed, and he smiled.

“Plus, we’ve got that movie on Amazon to watch, right?”

You blinked.

“You’d rather stay here with me, eat Chinese food, and watch a movie, than go out and meet a guaranteed lay?”

Bucky shrugged his shoulders again.

“I like your company more.”

You blinked, and he grabbed both his container and yours.

“Come on. Movie’s about to start.”

You watched him leave the kitchen, moving a hand to your stomach. You shook your head, reaching over the counter.

“And do not eat my egg roll!”

“So … what brought this on?”

Bucky grunted as he slammed his fists into the punching bag over and over again. He was soaked with sweat, muscles screaming as he worked them. Steve stood behind the bag, holding it steady, not even breaking a sweat. Bucky punched the bag a few more times, then lifted his head.

“What?”

Steve smiled, showing straight white teeth that Bucky honestly wanted to knock out of his mouth. After a few more punches, Steve poked his head around the bag again.

“Not that I’m complaining, but you never work out with me. And you’ve never taken your frustrations out on this poor, defenseless punching bag. So again I say, what’s up with you?”

Bucky sighed, walking to the bench in the corner of the room. He lifted a bottle of water to his lips, draining half of it. He stood there for a moment, chest still heaving with the exertion of his work out, then he drank the rest of the water. He tossed the bottle into the trash can and sat on the bench, hanging his head.

Steve watched him for a minute, then walked over and sat beside him.

“Hey.”

Bucky glanced over, and Steve nodded to him.

“Talk to me, Buck. What’s going on?”

Bucky sighed, lifting his head, tossing his hair out of his face.

“I met my parents for dinner a few weeks ago, and they gave me the same old spiel. I need to get my shit together, blah blah blah.”

Steve nodded, but didn’t say anything, so Bucky went on.

“I don’t know, I guess it struck a chord this time. Pop was talking about how he’s wanting to loosen the reins on the company, so I’m going to need to step in. And Ma’s wanting grandchildren and other shit, and I just …”

He shook his head.

“They’re right. I’ve been acting like a stupid kid for … hell, my whole life. I should get my shit together.” “You should.”

Bucky glanced over, and Steve let out a laugh. He held up his hands, smiling as he spoke.

“Don’t treat me like the bag, man. I’m just saying.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, but couldn’t stop the smile that came over his face. Steve leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

“It’s not easy. Being an adult. Trust me, I know. But it’s … rewarding. You’re supposed to be a stupid kid, but not for your entire life. You gotta grow up, and as scary as that is? It’s still worth it.”

Bucky nodded, and Steve cleared his throat. He glanced over at his friend, and Steve was staring at his hands.

“What?”

Steve didn’t look up, but a nervous smile came over his face.

“I, uh … I met someone.”

Bucky’s eyebrows raised, and Steve let out a quiet laugh.

“Her name’s Peggy. I met her in London a few months ago.” “A few months?” “Shut up.”

Bucky laughed, and Steve finally lifted his head to look at him.

“She’s funny and sweet and drop-dead gorgeous. She’s … I don’t know, Buck. She might be the real deal.” “Whoa.”

Steve nodded.

“I know. Talk about growing up, huh?”

Steve gave that nervous laugh again, and Bucky glanced over at the punching bag. His voice was quiet when he spoke again.

“How do you know?”

Steve looked over to him, but Bucky kept his eyes on the bag.

“Know what, Buck?” “That she might be the one.”

Steve smiled, lifting a shoulder.

“I can’t tell you just why. All I know is I like being around her. She makes me laugh. When I get all in my head, she calms me down. I miss her when I’m not with her. Just hearing her voice can turn my entire day around. She’s what’s on my mind when I go to bed at night, and when I wake up, I wonder what she’s doing, if she’s awake, too. We have fun when we’re together, no matter what we do. Whether it’s an art show or a movie premiere, or hell, even a walk in the park. Just sitting on her couch and watching TV is incredible.”

Steve shook his head.

“Being with her is different than any other girl I’ve ever even talked to. The first time I kissed her, I knew I wanted to keep kissing her every chance I got. For the rest of my life, even. Buck, she … she makes my life better just by being.”

Steve went quiet, then let out a soft “huh.”

“Guess she is the one.”

Bucky stood up, gathering his things, throwing his gym bag over his shoulder. Steve stood as well, one eyebrow raising.

“What are you doing?” “I … I gotta go.”

Bucky jogged out of the gym, leaving Steve standing there. He smiled, then put his hands in his pockets, sauntering deeper into the gym, whistling as he walked.

You lifted a spoon to your mouth, blowing on it before slipping it between your lips. You hummed at the taste, shaking your hips and grabbing a pinch of salt, sprinkling it into the pot before stirring. You heard the front door open and an involuntary smile came over your face.

“Buck? You home?”

He walked into the kitchen, dropping his gym bag on the floor. You turned around and wrinkled your nose at the sight of him.

“Ew, you’re all sweaty. Go shower. Dinner’s almost ready.”

He didn’t make a move, just stared at you, giving you that uncomfortable feeling at the back of your neck until you turned back to face him.

“Buck? Everything okay?”

He slowly walked to you, stopping right in front of you, where you had to look up to meet his eyes. They were serious, blue even more intense than usual, and you shook your head.

“Bucky, what are you doing?”

He moved even closer, and your eyes widened. You shook your head and his eyes seemed to bore into yours, asking permission without words. You felt your breathing intensify, and you nodded.

His hands came up to cup your face, thumbs rolling over your cheekbones before he leaned over, eyes staying locked on yours until his lips met yours. You blinked, a second before your eyes closed and your arms wrapped around him. You sighed, and Bucky’s hands slid from your face to wrap around you, pulling you closer, tilting his head and deepening the kiss.

You finally pulled away from him, turning out of his arms and going to the stove, moving the sauce off the burner before it burned. You lifted a shaky hand to your lips, holding onto the edge of the stove. Bucky stepped up behind you, putting his hands on your hips, making you gasp.

“What are … what are you doing?” “Something I’ve wanted to do for a long time.”

You let out a laugh, pushing him aside, stepping towards the refrigerator, out of his reach.

“You’re kidding, right? Am I being Punk’d?” “No, I … I wouldn’t do that to you.”

You shook your head.

“What … what the hell, Barnes?”

Bucky pushed a hand through his hair, shaking his head.

“I don’t …”

He huffed out a breath, stepping away, then turning back to you.

“Things have changed. You’ve seen it, haven’t you?”

You didn’t answer, but he didn’t seem to need you to.

“I don’t … you make me happy.”

He lifted his head, meeting your eyes.

“I feel better when I’m around you. You calm me down when I get too into my shit. You take care of me, and I … I want to take care of you.” “Bucky—“ “No, I …”

He walked over, taking hold of your elbows and sliding his hands down to link with yours.

“I think I love you.”

You yanked your hands back from him, letting out a laugh.

“You think?” “I don’t know, I’ve never loved anyone before!”

You went still, and Bucky shook his head, looking out the window before meeting your eyes again.

“I want to be around you. You make me laugh. You’re fun. I’m a piece of shit, I know, but you’ve never treated me like it.” “You’re not a piece of shit.” “I am. I have brought countless girls back to this apartment and you never said a word. You helped me get rid of them, for God’s sake! And none of them—not a single one—ever made me feel the way I do when I look at you.”

Your heart was pounding in your chest. You shook your head, speaking softly.

“I’m your roommate, Buck.” “You’re a hell of a lot more than my roommate, and you know it.”

You swallowed, shaking your head again as tears filled your eyes.

“I don’t want to mess this up.”

Bucky stepped closer, taking your face in his hands again. You shook your head as you spoke, one tear slipping down your cheek.

“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. You’re the only one I can count on. I don’t want … I can’t lose that, Bucky. I can’t lose you.” “You won’t.”

You gave a watery laugh, and he shook his head.

“I mean it. I’m not … can’t you see that I can’t lose you, either?”

You closed your eyes, and Bucky pulled you closer, wrapping his arms around you, holding you tightly.

“I’m fucking terrified to do this. I don’t want to mess us up, either. But … what if this only makes us better?” “It’s not going to be easy.”

Bucky laughed, your voice muffled by you putting your face in his chest.

“I know. But I want to put in the work.”

He leaned back, moving his hands back to your face.

“You want to give it a shot?”

You took in a deep breath, then let it out slowly. After a moment, you nodded, and a bright grin came over Bucky’s face.

“Yeah?”

You nodded again, and he let out a laugh, bringing your face to his and kissing you again. After a moment, you pulled back, laughing and laying your hands against his chest.

“I need to finish cooking.” “We can eat it cold.” “It doesn’t taste good cold.” “Then we can order something.”

You laughed, and Bucky kissed you again before he wrapped you in his arms. You rested your head against his, letting out a long exhale.

“I think I love you, too.” “Really?”

You laughed at the hopefulness in his voice.

“Yeah, Barnes. Really.”

He turned to kiss your cheek and you made a face.

“But seriously, though? Please go shower. You stink.”

#kaits5kauchallenge #marvel #marvel fanfiction #Bucky Barnes #bucky x reader #alternate universe #college au #roommates #roomies #Female reader #reader insert #marvel reader insert #steve rogers #wanda maximoff

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funnythingshere0-blog · 6 years

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100 of the funniest short jokes and one-liners that will have you laughing in seconds

New Post has been published on http://funnythingshere.xyz/100-of-the-funniest-short-jokes-and-one-liners-that-will-have-you-laughing-in-seconds/

100 of the funniest short jokes and one-liners that will have you laughing in seconds

Sometimes you just want to make somebody laugh.

Whether it’s the swift one-liners of Tim Vine or Milton Jones, or a more traditionally structured joke, these quick-fire quips will have your friends rolling around on the floor.

Here are 100 guaranteed to get a quick laugh:

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.” – Tim Vine

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay – it’s in my jeans.

“The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin

“Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.” – Milton Jones

“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.” – Tim Vine

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

“I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.” – Tommy Cooper

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.

“I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’” – Tim Vine

“I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.” – Ken Dodd

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

“This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’” – Tim Vine

“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.’” – Tim Vine

“Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’” – Tim Vine

(Photo: Shutterstock)

I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. No pun in 10 did.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.

“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” – Tom Ward

How does NASA organise a party? They planet.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.

“My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round.” – Sarah Millican

“My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.” – Milton Jones

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.

“I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seaside.” – Ken Dodd

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

“I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” – Nick Helm

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

“Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door.” – Bill Bailey

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.

(Photo: Shutterstock)

“Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It’s all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick.” – Andrew Lawrence

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it.”

“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” – Matt Kirshen

Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’ Because every play has a cast.

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine

“A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.” – Peter Kay

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.’” – Tim Vine

“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.” – Milton Jones

“Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone!” – Milton Jones

I hate Russian dolls… so full of themselves!

“Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.” – Harry Hill

My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?” I said: “No it doesn’t!”

“You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.” – Milton Jones

“Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?” – Dan Antolpolski

(Photo: BBC)

“The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.” – Milton Jones

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “We don’t serve your type!” shouts the barman.

“Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.” – Tim Vine

“My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.” – Milton Jones

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.

I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.

“I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.” – Milton Jones

Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.

(Photo: Shutterstock)

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said “40”.

Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’? There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.

“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.” – Tim Vine

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.

“My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.” – Tim Vine

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going there.

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

“I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.’” – Tim Vine

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? “Aye matey.”

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.

Never trust atoms. They make up everything.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeoouhh.” The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”

(Photo: Shutterstock)

Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.

What’s E.T. short for? He’s only got little legs.

Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from London Zoo.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.

It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.

What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeño business!

“Exit signs? They’re on the way out!” – Tim Vine

There’s no “I” in Denial.

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”

Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

(Photo: Shutterstock)

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.

“Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…” – Milton Jones

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? “Thanks! I’ll never part with it!”

I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle!

More jokes:

31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe) 41 of Bill Bailey’s most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners 25 hilarious dad jokes you’ve probably never heard before 40 of the funniest jokes about Brexit 25 of Spike Milligan’s greatest gags 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners 25 of Peter Kay’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 26 of Stewart Lee’s most gloriously acerbic jokes 49 of Monty Python’s funniest jokes 45 of Ricky Gervais’ funniest jokes 17 of Ken Dodd’s most ingeniously funny jokes 27 of Sarah Millican’s laugh out loud jokes 50 of Jimmy Carr’s funniest jokes and one-liners 50 of Milton Jones’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Frankie Boyle’s funniest (and darkest) jokes 25 of Charlie Brooker’s most cutting jokes and insults 25 of Lee Mack’s wittiest jokes and one-liners 75 of Billy Connolly’s best jokes, one-liners and quips 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland – from Scotland

…and some quotes:

64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life 100 of Homer Simpson’s greatest quotes 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Norton’s most scathing Eurovision quotes 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes 25 of Rik Mayall’s greatest quotes 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier 25 of the most ‘textbook’ Alan Partridge quotes 50 of the best lines from Peep Show 20 of The Young Ones’ most gloriously silly quotes 20 of Malcolm Tucker’s most cutting insults 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes

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nightmareonfilmstreet · 7 years

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[Recap] STRANGER THINGS 2, Episodes 1-5: What Goes Up, Must Come Upside Down

New Post has been published on https://nofspodcast.com/episodes-1-5-of-stranger-things-season-2-recap/

[Recap] STRANGER THINGS 2, Episodes 1-5: What Goes Up, Must Come Upside Down

Stranger Things just debuted its second season on Netflix. Last year’s breakout viral sensation garnered critical acclaim and audience goodwill for its heady mix of nostalgia and horror, appearing on multiple end of year lists and snagging two Golden Globe nominations.

So how does the “sequel” (as series creators The Duffer Brothers have taken to calling it) fare? Read on for my recap of the first five episodes of season two.

Overall thoughts on Season 2

Immediate thoughts upon finishing the season: it’s more of the same, though that’s not necessarily a bad thing. The Duffer Brothers clearly know the show and their audience and even if at times they’re prone to replicating elements from Season One, I would argue that the season wraps up in a more satisfying fashion. Noah Schnapp (Will) proves to be the show’s secret weapon: the young actor has an uncanny ability to play a range of different roles to perfection. Bonus points for a more successful climax in round two, as well.

Episodic Breakdown

As people make their way through the new episodes, Nightmare on Film Street has prepared episodic recaps so be sure to bookmark this page and come back when you finish each episode. Look for the recap of episodes six – nine tomorrow.

Will doesn’t fit in in the season premiere of Stranger Things “Mad Max”

Episode 1 – “Mad Max”

Online chatter suggested the first episode back was slow, but ‘MadMax’ is simply a table setter. We need this reintroduction to Hawkins, Indiana and its denizens in order to set up the season. That means introducing new characters like Sean Astin’s Bob, Paul Reiser’s creepy Dr. Owens and new schoolmates Billy (Dacre Montgomery) and the titular Max (Sadie Sink) – though neither of the kids are given much to do.

“Mad Max” has a few intriguing supernatural occurrences to whet our appetite, including the mysterious poisoning at the pumpkin patch, the lit up control board at Hawkins Laboratory and, of course, Will’s visions of the looming insect-like threat (which would be more striking if it hadn’t been spoiled in Every.Single.Trailer). As for everyone’s favourite Eggo-eating, telepathic feral little girl, the Duffer Brothers naturally keep Eleven (Millie Bobby Brown) hidden until the very end of the episode as one of several examples of characters keeping secrets from each other.

At once point, Dr. Owens tells Joyce (Winona Ryder) that things will get worst before they get better. For her, that’s terrible news. For Stranger Things viewers, that can only means good things ahead.

Odds and Ends:

The cold open features a series of unknown characters getting chased by police before one passenger displays Eleven-like powers that allows them to escape. This will clearly be paid off later (see episode seven in tomorrow’s recap – or rather don’t), but for now, it’s little more than a distraction from our reintroduction to Hawkins.

Danger looms for Will on Halloween night in 2×02 “Trick or Treat, Freak”

Episode 2 – “Trick or Treat, Freak”

First off, let’s address the ridiculous #JusticeForBarb storyline that’s dominating the Nancy (Natalia Dyer) and Steve (Joe Keery) story line. The Duffer Brothers clearly want to address the outcry for the fan favourite from Season One, but can we all agree that they’re leaning into it a little too much? Thankfully all it takes is one drunk party for the real fireworks to come out: Nancy drunkenly confesses about the inadequacies of her relationship with Steve and Jonathan (Charlie Heaton) gets to put the object of his affection to bed. Just remember kids: repression is bad because it manifests as a giant red punch stain on the front of your First Lady/Figure Skater costume.

The other element that stands out about episode two is that there’s a lot more comedy: the four boys are the only ones who dress up for Halloween at school, Lucas (Caleb McLaughlin) and Dustin (Gaten Matarazzo) struggle to speak to Max, Eleven passes her time watching soaps and dimwitted Officer Callahan (John Reynolds) mistakenly touches poisoned crops with his bare hands.

That last piece – the mysterious crop damage storyline – also begins to take shape as we learn that most of Hawkins’ farms have been affected by a mysterious poison, hinting at bigger things to come.

Odds and Ends:

Are the Duffer Brothers candy addicts? First Will and Dr. Owens debate Reese’s Pieces last episode and now there’s a prolonged discussion about the terribleness of 3 Musketeers bars? (Which, for the record, are delicious)

Initially it seemed like this episode was going to offer more insight about contentious siblings Billy and Max, but aside from their chicken-inspired driving on the highway, they remain obscure figures on the periphery. What’s their deal?

Bob and Joyce share a quiet moment in 2×03 “The Pollywog”

Episode 3 – “The Pollywog”

While I appreciate the effort being put into developing Sheriff Hopper (David Harbour) and Eleven’s relationship, I don’t think that the amount of screen time dedicated to this plot line is well spent. Three episodes in and we’re seeing the same content covered repeatedly: she was lost in the woods in winter, Hopper found her after a few feral encounters and they set up a temporary home with three “don’t be stupid” rules. We get it Stranger Things. At this point it just feels like the Duffer Brothers are delaying bringing Eleven back together with the gang.

Thankfully the second season’s dual mythology plot lines continue to develop nicely:

Hopper enlists Dr. Owens to investigate the contagion affecting the crops, which we learn is accounting for the odd smell that Billy and Max described in the last episode.

Meanwhile, Dustin names the “pollywog” creature that he finds in his trash D’Artagnan (because 80s!). A quick examination of the new species reveals that D’Art is a) afraid of the light b) growing exponentially and c) tied to the thing that Will spit into his sink at the end of Season One. Unfortunately the unnatural occurrences end in disaster when Will takes Bob‘s advice to confront the monster head on and he’s literally infected by the smoke monster from his visions. Oops!

Odds and Ends:

Was anyone else surprised to see Shirts vs Skins in gym class was a real thing? I won’t lie: all of these scenes felt remarkably homoerotic. It’s tantamount to a late night flick on Cinemax.

The aftermath of Will’s attack in 2×04 “Will The Wise”

Episode 4 – “Will The Wise”

After the cliffhanger possession ending of the last episode, we pick right up with Will, who claims not to remember what happened to him. After some prodding by Joyce, Will reveals that the creature wanted inside him and their parasitic relationship is deepened when Will refuses to take a hot bath, proclaiming “He likes it cold.”

When Hopper finally arrives at the Byers residence (following an uncomfortable battle of wills with Eleven after she abuses his 3 rules), there’s no narrative clarity about what’s happening, but it still feels like forward momentum. The result – Will confiding in Hopper and Joyce, Mike (Finn Wolfhard) revealing Will’s secret to Dustin and Lucas – makes “Will The Wise” the most satisfying episode of the season to date.

Unfortunately I simply cannot care about the stuff with Nancy and Jonathan and Barb’s mom. The only element of this story line that worked for me was the editing of the sequence in the park, which effectively highlighted Nancy and Jonathan‘s paranoia. The suggestion that these high school students could pull off a covert sting operation against the Hawkins Lab guys is a bit of a laugh, but we’ll see where it goes.

Odds and Ends:

Eleven‘s investigation into her history hits the jackpot when she discovers Hawkins Lab boxes hidden under the floor of Hopper‘s cabin. From there she’s able to connect with her very-much-alive mom, who identifies Eleven as “Jane” before disappearing in a literal puff of smoke.

I’m definitely losing interest in Billy and Max‘s storyline. Is there anything more to this than the fact that he’s racist?

RIP Mews. It always sucks when animals are killed on TV and that poor dead kitty didn’t deserve to be D’Art’s snack. 🙁

Will’s illness is finally address in 2×05 “Dig Dug”

Episode 5 – “Dig Dug”

This is essentially a “choose your own adventure” episode. Most of the characters venture off on their own: Hopper spends the episode foolishly investigating the tunnel system without back-up; Joyce, Mike, Will and Bob decode Will‘s drawings; Lucas catches Max up to speed, and Nancy and Jonathan and Eleven go on separate road trips.

I definitely appreciated the grotty visuals of what Hopper encounters in the tunnels (the blast to the face by a not-at-all-anus-like vine is particularly visceral and icky). Meanwhile Bob earns his high school “Brain” nickname when he deduces that the drawings are a map of Hawkins, though admittedly, hadn’t we all figured this out well in advance? It seems pretty obvious.

The two mythologies finally collide when Will‘s map leads to Hopper, whose survival ironically depends on his smoking habit. Luckily Joyce, Bob and the Hawkins Lab army show up just in time, ending the episode on another cliffhanger when it is revealed (unsurprisingly) that Will‘s physical health is connected to the tunnel vines and he winds up in Grand Mal territory.

Odds and Ends:

I’m glad that Dustin is no longer acting stupid about how dangerous D’Art is. It was evident from the start that the unknown creature was dangerous and “Dig Dug” confirms that as D’Art grows, he becomes more of an (unnatural) threat.

Let’s take a moment to recognize the comedic genius of Lucas‘ sister Erica (Priah Ferguson), who is officially the Dustin of this season. She’s equal parts annoying and hilarious. I love her.

Finally, Eleven‘s storyline continues to (annoyingly) exist completely outside of the main narrative. This episode she meets her Aunt Becky (Amy Seimetz), a Clea DuVall-esque woman looking after her mother. What follows is essentially a redo of Season One: Eleven‘s mom communicates via flickering lights and there’s a whole extended flashback that’s basically the Stranger Things version of Hodor’s “Hold The Door” backstory from Game of Thrones.

Check back tomorrow for recaps of the final four episodes of season two. In the interim, leave your impressions below in the comments!

#caleb mclaughlin #dacre montgomery #David Harbour #finn wolfhard #gaten matarazzo #horror on tv #millie bobby brown #Netflix Stranger Things #noah schnapp #paul reiser #sadie sink #sean astin #stranger things 2 #The Duffer Brothers #winona ryder

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nightmareonfilmstreet · 7 years

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[Recap] STRANGER THINGS 2, Episodes 1-5: What Goes Up, Must Come Upside Down

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[Recap] STRANGER THINGS 2, Episodes 1-5: What Goes Up, Must Come Upside Down

So how does the “sequel” (as series creators The Duffer Brothers have taken to calling it) fare? Read on for my recap of the first five episodes of season two.

Overall thoughts on Season 2

Episodic Breakdown

Will doesn’t fit in in the season premiere of Stranger Things “Mad Max”

Episode 1 – “Mad Max”

Odds and Ends:

Danger looms for Will on Halloween night in 2×02 “Trick or Treat, Freak”

Episode 2 – “Trick or Treat, Freak”

Odds and Ends:

Bob and Joyce share a quiet moment in 2×03 “The Pollywog”

Episode 3 – “The Pollywog”

Thankfully the second season’s dual mythology plot lines continue to develop nicely:

Hopper enlists Dr. Owens to investigate the contagion affecting the crops, which we learn is accounting for the odd smell that Billy and Max described in the last episode.

Odds and Ends:

Was anyone else surprised to see Shirts vs Skins in gym class was a real thing? I won’t lie: all of these scenes felt remarkably homoerotic. It’s tantamount to a late night flick on Cinemax.

The aftermath of Will’s attack in 2×04 “Will The Wise”

Episode 4 – “Will The Wise”

Odds and Ends:

I’m definitely losing interest in Billy and Max‘s storyline. Is there anything more to this than the fact that he’s racist?

RIP Mews. It always sucks when animals are killed on TV and that poor dead kitty didn’t deserve to be D’Art’s snack. 🙁

Will’s illness is finally address in 2×05 “Dig Dug”

Episode 5 – “Dig Dug”

Odds and Ends:

Let’s take a moment to recognize the comedic genius of Lucas‘ sister Erica (Priah Ferguson), who is officially the Dustin of this season. She’s equal parts annoying and hilarious. I love her.

Check back tomorrow for recaps of the final four episodes of season two. In the interim, leave your impressions below in the comments!

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