#THATS HOW I THINK!!!!! I HAVE TO DO THAT BC MY BRAIN SAYS SO!!!!! AND MY BRAIN IS POWERED THROUGH MOTION

[girlmetalsonic]

something that is like the baseline of amys entire character to me is that shes lonely. shes clingy and physically affectionate in a way none of her friends really are, shes always getting pushed aside and left behind. yeah, she helps out people she doesnt know because shes a nice person, but also, she sees part of herself in them. she wont leave someone else behind because she knows the feeling —and more importantly, hates the feeling. if she doesnt have somebody to stand by her and be there for her, then shes going to be that person for everybody else. something something her obsession with sonic is really just like a manifestation of that desire for closeness with someone, and she thinks that romance is the only way to get that. idk... this hedgehog can have so many abandonment issues.

#me posts #amy rose #sth #sonic the hedgehog #and this is not to say at all that romance is the only way to have 'real' love or anything #just that yknow part of her breaking free of that would also be realizing that she just wants closeness with someone and it doesnt- #-have to be romantic #aroace amy could fit this i suppose and she just doesnt know it yknow. thats not my hc but i support their beliefs if that makes sense #she wants to be loved and she wants to love and she doesnt really get a big outlet for that so she shares it with everyone she sees #also i didnt wanna jam up the post but GAMMA!! this is partially abt gamma she helps him find out how to love and how to find joy in it- #-bc its what she wants for herself. she sees him and sees how completely alone he is and she wants to help him. idk idk something something #-when she was locked in the cell she saw part of herself staring back at her #gamma parallels to amy is SLEPT ON i stg i could make a whole other post about it #idk.. whenever im writing amy or just thinking abt how shed interact with others its always from the lens that she craves closeness with- #-others. she wants people to just stay for once. #does this make any sense. idk man im rambling here #my worst nightmare is characterizing her wrong its such a fine line and sometimes the words do not come out of my brain right #btw this is NOT me dissing amy i love amy. she is like top three favorite character. #important context: im typing this with amy firefox theme rn ok. ok im an amy fan. #she points at the minimize button like shes telling me to log off #jesus christ i just scrolled back up i love to put a whole other post in the notes dont i

[puppyeared]

people who do STEM or administration as a career full time and continue to do art as a hobby, I am scared of you but like in a hot way. youre like if we were allowed to have cold drinks in winter. i look at you and think of miles morales with his two cakes. do you want to make out sometime

#i say all of this positively bc i just! i cant help admiring it!! even if its mundane or not a big deal to you i seriously cant wrap my head #around it.. this is in no way at all meant to be condescending or anything. whenever i look at someones bio and theyre like oh im working #as a lab assistant biologist pharmacist realtor etc im like woag.... thats insane.. and then i peep your art tag and it knocks my socks of #how?? what lives do you lead??? im so curious. i seriously want a peek inside your brains someday. or at least shadow you at work lol #i cant help but feel sad when someone says smth like well i have to support myself and art cant do that for me. or maybe you were #pushed into pursuing a 'safe' career bc i hear it a lot. all of my relatives have the same story working as nurses and OFWs for the family #i think for me its not about missed potential but rather its being sad about making a decision to put your happiness aside to get by #ive tried so hard to do it but it didnt work out. i guess watching you guys do it is fascinating to me #or maybe youve made peace with your decision or actually like what you pursued but im still amazed!! it makes me wonder what made #you pick one over the other in that case.. is it like putting time for two different things the way you would for a schedule?? hmmm #im doing graphic design so i dont really interact with ppl in other faculties even humanities like sociology or childcare... so i cant help #wondering what it must be like as someone whos pursuing visual communication both as an interest and career #i seriously wish i could do smth like a desk job or even admin and maybe ill try that if this doesnt work. or i could look into trades #but dyscalculia already makes it hard to do things like cash and mental math so i get overwhelmed if i think about this too hard #yapping

[ganondoodle]

a wild assortement of comic wip screenshots and a random doodle that i posted to twitter but not here

(this doodle here is of Raal (aka demise before he became a deity) but whatever happens here isnt anything 'canon', i just randomly doodled him to try a loosen up my painting style bc when i work on the comic i tend to concentrate too much of rendering it perfectly and i dont like that)

#ganondoodles #doodles #art #i am so very tired #too tired for tags #btw i do love and read every ask i get but damn i just dont have the energy to reply to most #and i feel so guilty #i wish i could make a warning show up when someone wants to send me an ask #that just says -yo i love and cherish and reread all asks but unfortunately have zero energy to reply but chances are it made me cry- #given the asks isnt mean spirited or straight up bots #which my impsoter brain sometimes still tries to make me think #like either woo look at all those people LYING to your face #but i have grown alot since those days and now its mostly just #so look what a nice and lovely absolutely beautiful ask this person send you and you disrespectful fool are not answering it shame upon you #thats most likely why i have been getting less and less and man i feel so bad #like when its asks about drawing advice i either dont know what to say bc i dont have any idea what im doing eihter #or bc i plan a giant response with a big ass illustrated tutorial even tho i know i neither got the time or energy for it #but still cant answer then bc wait you wanted to make a tutorial you cant answer it just like that #and when its a super nice compliment about my art i just #dont know how to express my gratitude and silently reread it time and time again never answering it bc then it would be gone from the inbox #;__; #alright falling asleep brain better not have written sth i will regret reading tomorrow #i think this is the longest tags i put on a completely unrelated post of mine #if you have read all these tags send me an ask only containing the name of your fav fruit and i will make you a little pixel sprite of it

[opens-up-4-nobody]

Thoughts on baby sasunaru, like academy days where Sasuke realizes ‘shoot, I like this idiot’ after Naruto is carried into the class room laughing by disheveled ANBU who had to chase him around the town for 3 hours.

Anon I've been thinking abt this all day

#listen. i love sasuke a lot. and i see a lot of hate for him and i cant stand it #im obsessed with how sasuke sees naruto. he looks at naruto and naruto makes the world feel less terrible #that is literally canon. but at the same time their dynamic in the academy is so weird bc like they do not talk but they gaze #longingly at eachother. its so weird. so i think to make sense of this i would say that sasuke thinks naruto is fun #he likes his sort of carefree off the walls nature which is something he feels he cant show. i also dont understand sasuke's intelligence #like were told hes smart but he also struggles with the same stuff as naruto. thus i must assign him auditory processing issues/maybe #dyslexia. bc i like to inflict dyslexia upon my faves. and i like the idea of iruka seating them together so that he can give special #attention to naruto and to sasuke with sasuke having to speak up abt it. but thats just me making stuff up. i also like the idea that #sasuke just like blank faced glares so much to cover the fact that he has no idea wtf is happening. like he's super smart but his brain is #on a delay lmao. anyway i just love the idea of sasuke wanting to be a dumb kid doing dumb kid stuff with naruto to the extent that he #forgets his anger. and being 100% on board for narutos stupid ideas #uzumaki naruto #uchiha sasuke #hatake kakashi #umino iruka #haruno sakura #is this the 1st time ive drawn sakura? maybe. i have complcated feeling abt her for obv reasons. bad writing i mean #naruto #also i say sasuke thinks naru is fun. im looking past the fact that they feel eachothers pain. more why do they vibe together personality #wise. does that make sense? maybe idk. i just love them a lot #oh god i wish i could edit my tags at the start to clarify what i mean. but god i dont wanna rewrite this

[whumpshaped]

cant stop thinking abt that reply to bram's post abt the abusive cluster b parents so just know if u were abused like that, first of all, samesies and it gave me cluster b pds as a result, second of all, i promise no one whos calling for understanding of cluster b ppl is invalidating ur experiences. if u feel like they ARE, i sincerely hope u realise u dont have to have a medical explanation for why others suck. if ur parents sucked, u can just say that, and its freeing, and focusing on behavioural patterns instead of diagnoses (which u most likely dont have access to when it comes to strangers) will allow u to weed out actual bad ppl and keep urself safe(er)

#i understand its easy and comfortable to latch onto labels especially when it comes to parents #i did it #then i was diagnosed w the same shit #that was my turning point i think #when i realised we have the same shit and yet i am actively working very hard to be kind and compassionate #i dont go out of my way to be mean #at some point u have to realise that some ppl r just evil and mean spirited #and pds arent indicative of how self aware or kind or polite or compassionate someone is #i'd argue most of us put in SO much work to know ourselves and our potentially harmful behavioural patterns #way more than a neurotypical who never bothered to look inward for even a second #'these stereotypes dont come from nothing' #no shit! my dad called me both borderline and narcissist as insults AND I TURNED OUT TO HAVE BOTH #but let me tell u smth #most of my symptoms? are fucking survival mechanisms i learned as a child to avoid getting hurt. because thats what the brain does. #u know what else didnt come from thin air? sayings like hurt people hurt people #plus my victim complex allows me to write banger complaint letters now so theres that #look around u and be very comfortable w the fact that ur probably surrounded by a bunch of cluster b ppl that u adore #bc we're just ppl too #and ur doing urself a disservice trying to spot us #cluster b ppl can be evil ppl just as neurotypicals but they can also be ur friend who struggles w insecurities and is a huge ppl pleaser #bc they read the ableist posts too and they know everyone in the mainstream world thinks theyre evil #and when if u told them 'well my cluster b parents were abusive' in a less accusatory tone #maybe theyd look u in the eye w compassion and say 'yea i know how that feels and im here for u'

[waywardsalt]

Hi! I hope you’re doing good in life.

What do you think of a phantom hourglass remake? Tbh I don’t know how they could remake it without basically remaking it from the ground-up. It would probably play more like windwaker, which I see as a both a good and bad thing. On the one hand, if it was more like windwaker a lot more people would probably play and it would be more popular since I know the touch controls were a turn off for most people for both Spirit Tracks and Phantom hourglass. But on the other hand, remaking it to be more like windwaker would make the game lose some of it’s previous identity. Like, Phantom hourglass was so unique because of the touch controls and the puzzles you can make and solve by having two screens and touch controls. And it was so nifty and handy to be able to write notes on your map. Idk, I still would like it to be remade in general even if it ends up a basically different game, but I wouldn’t change the story or the characters, especially Linebeck. The only other change I would make is the music. Phantom hourglass had rather weak themes, mainly because they re-used the same theme for the islands and the dungeons. The only songs that were really good were the few orginal tracks made for the game, so Linebeck’s theme, Oshus’s theme, both Bellum boss battle themes and the and that music that plays when you first follow the Ghost Ship. But what would you want out of a phantom hourglass remake?

Hey, I’m doing good, and I hope you are too!

I’ve thought a bit about a possible Phantom Hourglass remake, but not too much recently. I don’t really know if I’d want one, since you’d lose a lot of what really makes it special, and you can still play it through other means. I’m personally fond of the graphics and the music- yes, even the dungeon theme has grown on me- so I don’t really want a remake too badly, especially since I fear any additions/changes they might make with story or characters in a remake. The touch controls make it, and playing it on pc recreates that feeling decently well, but I don't think it'll be just the same if you had to control it with joysticks or anything.

Not to mention, there's so much emphasis on having the two screens, too, not just for map stuff, but almost every single boss had a mechanic related to the top screen! I have no fucking clue how you'd replicate that very well on something like the switch without just fucking with the mechanics altogether.

I would kill to hear some of Phantom Hourglasses tracks be orchestrated or otherwise rearranged in a higher quality. I wouldn't want any of the more notable themes altered in any way, no adding or removing of melodies and only very very small changes to the instrumentation, but I think it'd be neat to see what could be done with dungeon themes. I think a while back I had a fleeting desire to write some short tracks for each dungeon, with some ideas like mostly using instruments heard in Bellum's themes for the dungeons while each individual one gets a leading instrument unique to and reflective of the dungeon, while the Ghost Ship maybe gets a song that's a bit of a expanded version of the fog theme, while the Temple of the Ocean King could have slightly different themes the further in you got, starting with instruments more common to Oshus's theme or the great sea theme, while the further in you got the more instruments from Bellum's theme would be heard, plus some harpsichord thrown in for the hell of it.

Leave the original dungeon theme for stuff like the minor pyramids and some larger cave areas, idk. It's grown on me.

I think the only story rearranging I'd want is mayyyyybe unfridging Tetra? You could very easily shuffle some things around with her and just not damsel her for the whole game and honestly it'd still go off perfectly without a hitch. But you'd still have to deal with the World of the Ocean King being a whole other world, so either bring her and her crew in and have them as wandering ship npcs (the better idea) or just leave them out (not a good idea) but either way it's better than what they actually did. I just don't think I'd want it to switch to Tetra being a major reoccurring character tbh, the main character dynamics in PH are good as they are.

I think I like Phantom Hourglass too much as it is to really want a remake at all. I'd rather we get something like an anime adaptation. That's what I think about more. Give me animated Phantom Hourglass with some fun takes on the dungeons and fights and some fun slice of life stuff with the group between the islands what I want is a Phantom Hourglass anime

#asks #zeldanamikaze #salty talks #loz #legend of zelda #phantom hourglass #kinda just boils down to like. i kinda want it to remain untouched with nothing added or removed if that makes sense #different themes for the dungeons would be rlly cool. harpsichord for deeper ocean king temple floors bc its where you meet linebeck #also vague foreshadowing? as an aside how many other loz songs have harpsichord in it im very curious to know #also. i say i dont mind the dungeon theme while also not really minding my tinnitus so also take that in mind maybe. brain go brrrrrr #i think adding tetra in to the main crew of ph would kinda be a bit much and also maybe not add very much. fyi i have not played ww #but i feel like it'd almost be adding another ciela cuz shed support link and be more barbed and bold with a side of less morally upstandin #so i dont really think she'd being much new to the ph crew table and i wouldnt want her there in a remake cuz they might pull the #goddess blood card and i really really like how ph has fuck all to do with hyrule or any of that nonsense #sorry this took so long btw. i dont think much abt a ph remake so i dont have a lot of notes #additions? idk add more rooms to linebecks ship. let us poke around in a few areas. maybe potion storage. give link a room #let us poke around in linebeck's room when possible. put smth fun in there. pull a wilds era and give him a journal for us to check out #what they did with tetra kills me (but not too much since i dont rlly have thoughts on tetra) bc you could just remove her entirely #and the story would still work really well anyways. holy character fridging batman #idfk. give us a silly loz dating game. make linebeck an option. thats what i wanna see

[skitskatdacat63]

Okay finally posting my pics from when I went to Hanger-7 on Saturday July 1st !!

RB9 🥹

STR3 !!!

RB16B

RB7

Various Red Bull-Saubers(including Kimi's first F1 car!!!)

Tbh I think seeing these cars was more surreal and insane to me than going to the actual race the very next day. I think it's because I'm more deranged about the 2010s than nowadays(for the most part), so seeing all these incredibly iconic cars in the flesh(especially ones like the STR3 and Hungry Heidi) was just unbelievable to me. And the fact that it's free entry as well??? Yeah yeah, feel free to waltz into our aircraft hanger, free of charge, and witness these spectacles of engineering 🥱

#as i said it was just super surreal to be standing next to those cars after seeing so many pics and watching so many vids of them #like ??? im standing next to seb's first gp winning car ???? #im standing next to seb's 2nd wdc winning car rn????? #(ALSO OMG SEEING BOTH MARK AND SEB'S NAMES ON THE RB7 HEHEHEHE FOREVER IMMORTALIZED TOGETHER) #im standing next to *the* 13x race winner 4th wdc winning Hungry Heidi rn?????????????????? #like the fact that they had (i think) 4 championship cars just there is insane to me #(also shhhhh i dont know which chassis they have obv so dont be like 'well actually!' to me) #no rb6 tho :( which is a shame bcs thats my fav rb car but god so many other favs so its okay #actually i think they had rb6 but in a different livery so i only have like one pic of it #but anyways i guess its also just more surreal than the gp bcs i was standing so close and getting to appreciate it all #whereas the gp was more of an experience and a really really insane thing to go to and experience rather than appreciate more finely ig? #but yeah do you guys like when i say ill post pics soon and then dont do so until 10 days later? #tbf i just didnt want to post them on the race wknd...but now its almost the race wknd again #btw they had some more cars. i think the rb10 and rb13? but the ones i posted are all my babies yknow #hahaha wait for my course we're supposed to write reflections(in german my god) abt some places we visited right? #and ill do them i swear i swear but like my brain was pretty useless at trying to write that much german while doing so much else #so the only one ive ended up writing was abt going to hanger 7 and how unglaublich it was and it was basically just a rant #omg also!! i have a pic w hungry heidi !!!! (and rb16b boycar ofc) #its so funny bcs basically until the day of i was unsure if i was going to see this alone bcs the guy who ended up going w me was unsure #so id just constantly daydream abt what it would be like to have to ask a stranger to take a pic of me with rb9 #but luckily my friend did! but god no way was i leaving that hanger without taking a pic with at least one beloved #red bull racing #f1 #formula 1 #formula one #rb9 #catie.rambling.txt #rb7 #str3 #rb16b

[oscill4te]

starting to wonder if complex dissociative disorders are genetic in any way.

#why do only some people with adverse early childhood life experiences get CDDs #so MANY FACTORS muddy this up though. for example... CDDs are very covert in nature #so is it possible many many more people than we could ever think struggle with this? #oh and regarding my post about whether its genetic... #well trauma is generational so even if you see it in a family line.... #who is to say its actually biologically genetic and not just trauma racing down the generational line #because CDDs are formed from extreme trauma #and despite how much I struggled... i did have it easier than my parents. thats the ffunny thing #and i look at them and see how similar they are to me and think.... #wow. no wonder they are messed up. their own parents were shittier than even them #im high excuse this xDD nonsense. im gonna try to spend my day doing some self care n chilling #ok last thing on this topic: i thought of a study but it may not he ethical. its just an idea #what if you people w trauma take a test like the DES and have their parents and grandparents take it? #just to simply determine if dissociation is the response people w adverse life experiences have? #again idk if thats even an ethical test bc i overthink ethics and it woukd have to be WILLING participants interested in the topic #bc asking somone NO PROMPT or warning about this is messed up.. most ppl excuse or block out their traum #okay enough of this post my brain just goes in loops when high :u

[piplupod]

mother: "theres this great job where you'd be on-call to come in!"

me: "ahhh i don't really want to be on-call, that would stress me out a lot because I'd always be on edge,,"

mother: "no you wouldn't, you could make it your thing!"

me: "...my thing?"

mother: "being on call! it'd be great! :)"

me: "i would probably be crying like... a lot ahaha. because I would always be on edge never knowing when to expect having to go into work, yknow?"

mother: "nooo, you could just make it a thing!"

me: "sorry, what do you mean by thing?"

AND I NEVER FOUND OUT !!

#i feel very ill fdsjkl tonight was ... not good #not the worst definitely not the worst #just. a lot of diet talk and making fun of other ppl that she expected us to all laugh at (and we did. idk if they found it funny.) #and brother labelling some influencer having rape charges against him just ''internet drama'' #number one: i dont want to hear about that. number two: that is not just ''drama'' that is like. serious. what the fuck is wrong w youuuu #my mother will say that all the food i eat is very bad for me and do that while knowing full well i struggle to eat Anything #and say that simply Adding things to the diet is pointless bc ur poisoning urself still! u have to Take Out things! i cant fucking do that! #im still baffled that two years ago when i tried to go to them for help when i was almost fainting from not eating they just shrugged at me #''okay? why are u telling us this?'' BECAUSE YOU ARE MY PARENTS. AND I AM TRYING TO GET HELP. #i should've known better than to try tbh but like. its so hard to completely let go of every sliver of hope that they'll... be kind #like me saying i was feeling suicidal a few yrs ago just garnered a ''oh don't start this again. we're not doing this again.'' #and me admitting my own damn self to the psych ward just had her telling me ''i dont think you actually needed to go :/'' #mother dearest if it werent for the other fuckers in the brain (caused by you abusing me) then i would've been dead several times over #i am so fucking tired i am so sick of these ppl it is so incredibly painful and terrifying that this is supposed to be my family #this is the one support system i get in life. and it is no support system at all. i am fucked !! i am so unbelievably fucked!!! #i know other ppl make it thru but they are much stronger than me. i am lacking something that they all have lmao. i am cowardly and weak!!! #i have been trying so fucking hard to figure out how to like. make this work. how to survive in this society and its just. impossible #i think we're back to the clock ticking down as my bank account runs out #i cannot be employed and ppl keep telling me disability won't accept me so i am just. unanimously fucked over i suppose #i have two years !! two years until i run out of money!!! thats a lot of time!! to make all the art i want to make!! #i will make this work for these two years i will cope and make my art and disconnect and daydream through the intolerable parts #i will make these two years so good sdfjkl im gonna make it to the end of them #sorry this is all coming flooding out fsjdkl i've just tried so hard to be like. positive abt things and laugh abt things and be okay #im tired of trying to make it okay fdsjkl i am wallowing tonight i guess. boohoo poor little me fdsjkl i'll probably get over it soon #just need to like. let a little of the pressure leak out so i don't completely crack and do smth stupid #it will be okay !!! or as okay as it can be !!! this will be blocked out by tomorrow morning probably!! #or it'll have to be LMAO i have my silly old lady yarn group tomorrow and i need to be Normal for that #suicide tw #abuse tw #ed tw

[dandyshucks]

praying that this one artist i watch livestream doesn't ever look at my chat history bc i feel like I look really weird through it 😭 I have immense anxiety among other issues so I'll usually only manage to work up the nerve to send One (1) random msg in chat at some point during a stream and then immediately feel like I have done smth terribly wrong (even if I am just agreeing with everyone else in chat ???) and not be able to send anything else the entire rest of the stream

so my message history would just be like... one completely random comment per stream and nothing else and I feel like that probably looks really really strange fjfkdl

#its so awful bc I'm like... good at talking to ppl usually #or i CAN be good if I have the energy to do so #but a lot of my conversational skills revolve around asking ppl abt themselves and not saying my own things #bc thats all I've ever been able to do my entire life fjfkdl nobody has ever rly asked much abt me or taken an interest in me and my things #so when it comes to having my own opinions or ideas or whatnot... that's terrifying to try to communicate to other ppl fjdldl #it just sucks so bad bc i think i could get along very well w many ppl if i just... didnt feel like the worlds worst person to be around #today and yesterday have been difficult so my brain is biting me rn fjfkdl idk what is wrong w me these past couple days fjfkdl #there is no real evidence for it but i feel like everything I've said and done the past few days has been awful and wrong and mistakes ough #it will be okay fjfkdl it will pass eventually like it always does shfkdl it is just a matter of coping thru it and how long it'll last #sorry for a weird vent for this blog dnfkdl im just panicking a little for no apparent reason fjdksl #vent // #dandy.cmd

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying #shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl #in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated #bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not #her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet #so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive #personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd #compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from #happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is #like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil #not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am #barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me #and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them #but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and #thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard #to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds #nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of #brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but #that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer #defying the stats but for how much longer? #i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it #i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else #excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things #unrelated #ed mention #i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama #bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]

[strwbrymlkshake]

Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(

#mine #oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times #but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry #like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie #im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc #i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me #thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related #anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that #ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired #// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always #because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life #like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing #me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little #so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die #every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt. #well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he #is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him #every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again #but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh #i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT #I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time #like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me #he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do #he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away

[red-dyed-sarumane]

i have a new theory for aru sekai fans & by new i mean someone else might have caught on already but i havent seen it said SO. the rute furutewoa melody is in kyuuyaku, touhikou, & now kannagi (maybe elsewhere bc i havent been looking for this motif before i only realized it today really & i havent had time to go thru all the songs again yet) & we have kyuu (past), something in touhikou im too tired to remember currently but i remember calling something similar a while ago when someone asked if there was a timeline to this, and now kannagi that uses the older language so im willing to bet this motif is a way of saying the events in the song happened in the "past". whether thats actually Long Ago or just to say its not the current situation or just happened before the songs without it i cant say for sure but i think it makes sense given what we have now.

just like we have the nami no ne no motif that signals which characters still have their "self" if its in the song or lost it if its not.

i have to do some more digging of course but with what i know right now this makes the most sense to me

#aru sekai series #u know those old people who say they do crosswords to keep their brain sharp. thats what this series feels like to me. #incredibly complex puzzle to put together in which i need to be constantly learning new things & concepts #anyway for some reason i feel like theres a link to ashura that im not touching on too but idk for sure yet #there is. something about ashura that drives me insane bc it FEELS familiar there IS. SOME sort of motif or theme or SOMETHING there #i KNOW it but i can never place WHAT it makes me rabid. #tell me your secrets puppet girl #also btw kannagi i think also ties into touhikou. given the art & that line thats like prayer will come to sustain us or whatever it is #its 2am ive had a long day i dont remember the exact thing rn. usually i check before posting but please excuse me just this once #i wish i could make friends with the jpn magu fans who also go wild over the lore but idk how to find them. its always like one off comments #sorry i didnt really go wild over yamete kudasai. it just felt rather straight forward & didnt give any big reveals that i know of #so i just kind of went ah neat & looped it for a while #but kannagi. kannagi's got the puzzle aspect back & a WHOLE BUNCH of links to other songs. & thats without knowing the lyrics #but also u know kyuuyaku's my fave so having this be closely related is a big 👀👀👀 for me #i saw someone try to say kannagis the ka in the amakakeru arc of songs (if that is a real arc. it Is a fan theory idk how accurate tho) #but that wouldnt be right bc we already have kanon for the ka. #if there are arcs like that i think itd be in with whatever ashura's in. even tho ashura is a 5 kanji song and kannagis only 1

[chanyoungies]

in other news i executed most of my plan (minus the cinnamon rolls) are u proud of me tuals . .

#i did go to the dept office first to talk abt my english class problem thats STILL not resolved #bc u know how mailing them went . n the last 2 or 3 times i tried to visit the office to talk abt it (DURING the opening hours i made sure #of it) . they were closed . 😐 #i got there early so i waited until opening hours #then i stood at the door knocking without getting a reply so a lady from another office passing by was like i guess shes not here yet ! #so i was like . seems not <3 haha <3 so i waited more #and like u cld argue that i could have waited the ~1h30 i had left until the conference but like #idk i think this will sound like an excuse (bc in part it is . sitting there made me feel bad n nervous) but like its a matter of principle #principles u know . like if they say they open at 9.30 i shld have to wait until 10 for the person to even just Arrive to their office u #u know . like id think differently if she was there n was just busy or smth but she was not THERE #nd like sure i had some time to wait but they shouldnt ASSUME that i do ?? #bc like if i actually went to all my classes i think theres no way for me to visit the office during opening hours at all rlly? #so like . 😐 i waited until 9.45 (the 15 minutes if no previous notice rule engrained in my brain) n then left #so thats still not resolved it never will be #but then i went to the library n read until like 10.30 #like when i checked the time for the first time it was 10.22 n so i was like ok ill read one more chapter #(im still reading im glad my mom died so the chapters r short) . n then i headed off to find the room for the conference #n u know what i think i didnt get a lot from it but im glad i went . as said previously the guy was a delight to listen to

[semercury]

I never asked for the burden of existence.

#stuff sarah says #i keep thinking about work yesterday #im so sick of worrying about every little thing and the butterfly effect it might create #i hate being perceived and knowing my avtions have unknown consequences #like i just want to vibe and live my life and do what i can to better myself and be happy #but that feels impossible #someone might get upset. someone might get sad #i might unknowingly be contributing harm to the world and others by doing something #how am i supposed to live when im scared people will hate me bc someone else appreciates that im a hard worker? #what am i supposed to do? start being shit at my job? thats also not an option #i miss when i could just do my best and enjoy my hobbies and not worry about people getting upset #i just want to live my life without the overwhelming fear of unforseen consequences #and i know i know my therapist would tell me that im not responsible for how other people react #especially since im not trying to upset people. im not intentionally antagonizing others #but i dont have him to tell me logically correct things anymore so like #and also its fucking bananas that this is ocd #obsession: worrying about others' wellbeing. compulsion: refusing to be happy bc that protects them somehow #people are like but ur room is so messy like karen that is not the only manifestation but okay #i want to scoop the bad bits of my brain out with a melon baller. i think that would do wonders for me