#They’d all get along so well together I can’t stop thinking about it hhhh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chrysalizzm · 3 years

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i uh. realized people follow me now because of uh. you’re human tonight on ao3 asdjgfs

i have content!! behind the scenes content as promised. i do outlines for my fics as a general rule of thumb just because i personally can’t write things to a satisfying finish if i don’t Do That, and so - here are my chapter/plot outlines for you’re human tonight ^^ (i have no idea if this is interesting content or not i thought i’d put it out there because i think outlines are kinda fun hhhh)

chap 1 fundy

subtitle: an inkling

fundy makes an iron golem gone wrong, dream makes it go boom

chap 2 purpled

subtitle: uh oh social interaction

purpled shelters a fugitive, gets his house explosion-proofed as thanks

this is probably gonna be the only chapter with a funny title hh oh well

update: it’s not and i’m pleased with myself for branching out with my dry humor

chap 3 sapnap

subtitle: dust to dust

sapnap’s dying via wither effect, and he knows respawn’s around the corner but goddamn if it doesn’t hurt til then. dream skids in around the nether fortress corner, drops all his weapons cradles sapnap’s head in his hands, has always taken death much harder than anyone sapnap’s ever met. at the last few seconds, when death creeps up like a shroud, dream starts to hum to him hoarsely, pressing his forehead to sapnap’s, and in the final moments sapnap doesn’t hurt at all. the last thing he hears is dream whimpering. he visits dream’s bunker the next day, knocks on the door over and over, but there’s no sign of life there. sapnap shrugs, bites his lip out of guilt for forcing dream to sit there watching him die (if temporarily), and moves on.

the chapter that introduces dream’s primary ability of soothing hurts. put a lot of emphasis on the fact that sapnap ached up until the moment dream started humming, because for dream to do that is pretty frivolous considering once sapnap died he’d respawn and the hurt would just disappear but dream wanted sapnap to have a peaceful last few seconds. emphasize how abnormal it is that withering stops hurting.

chap 4 ponk

subtitle: beaches dry of sugarcane

dream visits ponk after george burns down the first tree. when ponk arrives to the second tree to move in, he realized dream made the tree flourish, grow healthier and bigger.

chap 5 sam

subtitle: fuck this shit i’m out (edit: the official subtitle is “oh god oh fuck”, i changed it last-minute)

dream picks sam’s brain for manhunt strategies while the latter is mining for redstone. sam stumbles upon a spawner and reels back, trips, nearly misses the moment dream sweeps him behind him and his eyes flash beneath the mask and when sam gets back up, dazed, there’s nothing but the splay of cobwebs all over the walls.

chap 6 punz

subtitle: lines drawn

in an unrelated skirmish, punz drives his sword up to the hilt in dream’s chest, relying on respawn for dream to not feel any pain and for punz to get paid. dream doesn’t die. this is understandably alarming.

can we get some funnies in chap? just a few laughs?? a lil funny for mr luke punz man?

can we get some panicky dry humor for real tho because punz strikes me as someone who copes with morbid humor and dream spluttering up blood is def a situation that punz would not know how to deal with

chap 7 wilbur

subtitle: so about that date

wilbur makes platonic moves on dream while dream fake texts his fiance under the table. wilbur also accidentally vents to dream about his little brother tommy and how afraid he is that tommy will get himself hurt for how reckless he is. dream siphons some of his anxiety from him, smiles as they depart from one another. wilbur notes that dream is shaking when they leave.

chap 8 skeppy

subtitle: get wrecked noob

dream walks skeppy through some pvp. when skeppy demands a rematch w tommy and gets a lil stage fright kinda sorta thing, dream siphons his anxiety and his nerves and goes full soccer mom with bad and skeppy loses 5-2 but like!! he won!! against tommyinnit!! HH

is there any mental image nearly as powerful as dream wastaken, the soccer mom

chap 9 jack

subtitle: mandatory volunteering

after tommy goes on another one of his destructive rampages lmao, dream enlists jack, newest-comer, to help him rebuild stuff bc underclassmen have to do whatever upperclassmen tell them to do thems just the rules. after rebuilding a statue near the community house, dream pats it fondly, and when tommy sneaks back to set in on fire for shits and giggles, he finds that it’s fuckin fireproofed AGAIN

rebuild efforts, i promised monuments rebuilt so thats what theyre gonna fuckin Get

chap 10 antfrost

subtitle: twist the knife

ant on what ends up being an unpublicized manhunt: dream stops the manhunt because he’s triggered a raid and by the time the hunters get there, alarmed by the screaming and the fire and dream’s unresponsiveness, the villagers are all dead and there are raider corpses everywhere and dream is lying near the bell on his side, whimpering. (what the hunters don’t know - dream tried to fight off the raid but was overwhelmed and witnessed the village get slaughtered, he took the pain of the villagers that weren’t dead but were dying.)

segment: There’s a reason they do the manhunts, and it’s not just for them to horse around and try to kill one another for a few days. Antfrost is the newcomer but he’s always been good at reading people and from the outset he knew that Dream was someone filled to the brim with the restlessness that characterizes humans, that never-settling wanderlust, and his brain works too fast for the rest of his body sometimes, and he just needs an outlet. It’s part of why he eggs Tommy on in their little war games, why he holds onto those discs even though he doesn’t need them, why he gets that delighted look on his face when someone tells him that Tommy’s griefed them or stolen from them or otherwise ruined their morning. Antfrost thinks the only times he’s ever really seen Dream silent, Dream waiting, Dream unmoving, are when Dream is

chap 11 karl

subtitle: head in the shallows

karl, sapnap, george, and dream have a sleepover after mcc 11. karl, nearest to dream, wakes up when dream starts tossing and turning from a nightmare. when he tries to shake dream awake, dream’s eyes fly open and he slams his fist into the wall behind him and the earth, the literal earth, the entire slab of it, shudders like an earthquake. sapnap and george sleep like the dead, so it’s just karl and dream staring at one another. finally karl asks, concerned, “do you want some tea or water or anything?”

chap 12 hbomb

subtitle: a maid’s burden

“i want to dress up as a maid for fundy,” says hbomb with false bravado. fundy’s fiance levels a very impassive look at him for an awkward minute or two and just when hbomb thinks he’s misread dream and fundy’s relationship dream says “i’ll get you a wig” and the entire chapter is just dream idly twisting the fabric of reality to get hbomb the items he needs to put the outfit together

pranks, i promised pranks, theyre gonna get pranks

chap 13 alyssa

subtitle: message in a bottle (edit: official subtitle is “ship in a bottle”)

alyssa’s leaving, at least temporarily.

alyssa tells dream it’s getting dangerous on his server, doesn’t relish the expression that brings to his face, but he holds her hands and nods and bids her safe journey. when alyssa returns, running for something (later we’ll learn she had heard that dream was bad, that he might be dying), she finds that her house is completely inaccessible by everyone save her, placed in complete stasis by someone.

start of the chapters leading up to festival arc. build unresolved tension in this one.

chap 14 niki

subtitle: life doesn’t discriminate

wilbur and tommy are relentless, they waste no time; niki is willing to wait for it.

the night before the duel, she goes to dream and holds a sword to his throat and demands he call it off, even though she knows it’ll mean little because of respawn, tells him she won’t stop hunting him down until he gives up l’manberg. dream smiles a little sadly and pats her hand and her fright, her rage, it simmers back down, and the anger that had swarmed her and made dream out to be the devil dies down until it’s just her friend, who was playing along with tommy til it got serious and he got cocky, who’s just as in over his head as she is, and maybe niki’s soft but she likes that about herself, that she’s always the first to forgive. niki is looking at the healing cut on dream’s neck, uncovered by any bandages, when dream shoots tommy, a clean shot that causes no suffering.

a long chapter, probably. i think at some point in this i want to mention niki’s respect for dream for apologizing during the first pet war, for not letting things get any bigger until fundy came back. some parallels can be drawn here - that dream let the fire die down in the initial stages of the pet war, that dream won’t let go of the l’manberg war now, and it occurs to niki that she doesn’t know dream nearly as well as she thinks she does if she expected him to act exactly the way he did during the pet war. she’s got what she’s wanted - dream’s remorse, proof of dream’s humanity - even though it’s not in the form niki wanted it.

chap 15 eret

subtitle: crown of thorns

the king in name only consults with the true leader.

they’re both upset about pogtopia’s exile, eret arguably more so because they think their early betrayal of l’manberg somehow butterfly-effected into the current dumpster fire, and as they talk eret works themself into a full panic attack reflecting on things that were, things that could’ve been - and the tide washes out all of a sudden, and eret’s left with the same looming hollowness they’d been feeling before, no dregs of the panic, they’ve never had a panic attack that left them feeling normal after - but dream is now wheezing like he’s about to die and eret immediately walks him through the panic attack, levelheaded even as they’re confused out of their mind.

chap 16 quackity

subtitle: water to blood

quackity is a snake in the grass.

quackity at schlatt’s side during the few weeks of his presidency. he knows schlatt from before, has been his friend, so he knows when his friend is acting off. the cynical, straight-faced humor is still there, his completely bland delivery and brazen showmanship, but it’s twisted to the left somehow, to make it so that those qualities that make up his friend have rotted, hurt people. quackity eventually goes to dream after schlatt first overdoses with a lot of questions, maybe even to confess that his allegiance has begun to shift because he can’t go to pogtopia and he can’t go to schlatt - and dream just gives him a long, sad look before lightly patting quackity’s shoulder and says “i can’t guarantee anything - just that you’ll be safe” and shooing him off and as quackity heads back to manberg he realises all the hostile mobs are avoiding him like the fucking plague.

it’s big q!!!! fattest ass in the cabinet!!!!! pog!!!

fun fact this chapter’s subtitle was almost “chekhov’s gun” until november fucking 16th of 2020

chap 17 tommy

subtitle: most disputes die and no one shoots

tommy learns how a legacy dies.

a compendium of tommy watching the madness consume wilbur. it needs to be emphasized in this chapter that wilbur becomes an entirely different person when they’re ejected from manberg, that he becomes obsessed with the legacy he’s created and watching it crumble is what twists him; when dream gives tommy his crossbow, tommy, out of desperation and a need to have an older sibling again, asks what’s wrong with wilbur; dream’s face hardens and he asks tommy to take dream to wilbur. it’s a terse meeting, the only one they have before techno and before wilbur completely loses it and demands the tnt; wilbur says a lot of things tommy doesn’t understand (it’s complex mythological jargon hinting at dream’s status as a god but could be misconstrued to refer to dream’s status as simply the world owner) and at one point wilbur sneers, “are you trying to play god, dream?” and dream lurches forward and grabs wilbur by the wrist, and there’s a completely silent moment where tommy feels the air suck out of his lungs and there’s an off buzzing in his ears and he fancies he hears something that sounds, just a bit, like dream, whispering desperately wilbur wilbur wilbur it’s me it’s me listen listen listen then a shrieking, acrid wave of no and tommy reels back and when he looks up dream has staggered back, his hand to his mouth, blood dripping from somewhere beneath his mask, sounding like he’s gagging or maybe he’s sobbing, as wilbur shrieks in a voice that is entirely not his “get out get out if i can’t have l’manberg...” and tommy understands, finally, as dream sprints out. that’s not wilbur.

a distinction needs to be made perfectly clear in this chapter, as with schlatt’s chapter: it’s not them. they’ve been twisted out of control by something bigger than them, something that wants to toy with the young god running an oasis of peace for his people. it doesn’t need to be outright said in this fic; in another we can delve into the madness and who did it and why. for now, just make it clear it’s not explicitly anyone’s fault.

chap 18 techno

subtitle: colosseum

dream had to let techno in first, you know.

techno and dream have interacted often - the duel, the championships, they’re friends more than acquaintances now. but techno was called in by someone wearing his brother’s face that he honestly doesn’t recognize from his voice and when he arrives at spawn, before tommy fetches him, he sees dream sitting cross legged waiting for him and they talk about the situation, dream giving techno a quick brief. when tommy comes, crying “techno, this way, this way to pogtopia”, and crossbow bolts are being fired at techno, dream gives him a lil wave goodbye (or what techno thinks is a lil wave goodbye but what actually turns out to be putting a swiftness effect on him).

“that’s not my brother, dream,” says techno, and dream’s mouth wobbles and he says, hoarse, “i know.”

techno Suspects, but only knows that dream has world-manipulating powers and thus standard minor god powers. he doesn’t let dream know he suspects.

chap 19 bad

subtitle: run devil run

bad trusts dream, perhaps against his better judgement.

dream comes to visit bad and skeppy on neutral grounds in the interim leading up to the festival that everyone on the server is side-eyeing and side-stepping. bad considers his friend and the owner of the world as he gives dream an impromptu tour through the escape route he and skeppy have dug out, wonders with a little reproach how dream could let things get to this point, then, soft, gentle as always, acknowledges that dream is only human kindly. when he says that, though, dream’s face crumples, as though those words hurt him more than any criticism bad’s given him in the time he’s known him, as though bad had driven a blade into his heart, and bad doesn’t understand but he lets dream run away from that. when a small flock of creepers explode over the tunnel the night before the festival and bad grumbles that he has to fix it, he learns dream left him with a fortified escape tunnel.

a/n: i’m sure the irony isn’t lost on you.

chap 20 tubbo

subtitle: cadmean victory

what say the sacrificial lamb?

tubbo is coming to terms with the fact that he might not make it out of office in one piece and it’s not his first time respawning but the older members of the server always, always did their best to shield the younger ones from death. he runs into dream by complete coincidence while he’s avoiding pogtopia (mostly wilbur) and manberg (mostly schlatt), caught between two strangers wearing his friends’ faces. he looks at dream, who looks back at him impassively, and tubbo starts to cry, because it finally hits him that even with his death and respawn nothing will be fixed, nothing can change, the poison’s run too deep into the veins of dream’s beautiful little world and now nothing can be right anymore and it feels like he’s shattering into tiny, aching shards - and then dream kneels before him, takes his hands, presses his forehead to them, sighs like his heart’s breaking, and tubbo feels a small calm thread back into him as dream stands abruptly, jittery. dream, with hands that shake, grips tubbo’s shoulder, hovers for a second, then his head jerks up and he bolts into the forest, clambering up a tree with admirable ease and disappearing away into the leaves as schlatt suddenly emerges from the bushes nearby with a joyous, plastic “hey! tubbo!”

chap 21 george

subtitle: lantern burns low

a moment in the night; george is visited by a specter.

dream comes, pale, and asks george if there is anything wrong, is everything okay with you? takes george’s caught-off-guard face in his hands and says george george george, are you - and george catches a glimpse of dream’s powers (is he safe safe does he hurt no but fear but anxiety there are dregs hush now quiet now he is safe all quiet quiet quiet he’s safe) and he says, stricken even as the constant thrum of nervous energy he’d kept with him fades out, “dream what was that,” and dream presses his hands to his mask where his eyes are and says, despairingly, “they don’t get to have you too,” and staggers back out.

george is the first person dream overtly “comes out” to. this is also why george doesn’t see dream til the festival.

chap 22 schlatt

subtitle: the empty throne

dream visits schlatt in his office.

schlatt, possessed by madness, has no idea what he’s saying but it feels right, it’s exactly right, everything is in his hands, and when dream approaches, his hands facing up, is he there is he there yes yes yes tainted polluted this is twisted this is madness madness madness dream reels back, shaking, and schlatt leans in and leers, not even knowing what he’s saying, “you can’t even fix it, young god,” and relishes the way all the color drains from dream’s face.

chap 23 dream (edit: this monster ended up being split into three for pacing purposes and also if i left it together it was gonna be. h. 14K WORDS. also the drama of a cliffhanger at what most people thought was going to be the last chapter was too good to pass up don’t @ me

subtitle: do you feel like a young god?

running, running, running again

finale!! dream takes everyone’s old hurts into himself, takes the madness from schlatt and wilbur, promptly passes the hell out because no one should be doing that, wakes up, gets the shit hugged out of him, and explains a little, and gets told that he’s loved over and over.

i uh! take questions! i like talking about this story, there’s a lot i still want to show, and even apart from that i just really love mcyt haha

#mcyt #young god #chrys writes #you're human tonight #yg meta #long post

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honeybee-babe · 5 years

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Wine (TUA K/laus, Klave fic)

A little thing I wrote with @hargreevesstylesm, can also be found on her blog! :)

“Klaus, pass me the salt!” Dave’s voice called from across the kitchen. He and Klaus were cooking dinner for themselves, a nice dinner. They had gone to the store earlier in the day to go shopping for ingredients and Klaus forced Dave to buy them matching aprons. Klaus was pushing for chef’s hats too but Dave only indulged him so much.

“Catch!”

Dave shouted, “KLAUS, WAIT NO-”

Klaus’ giggling cut him off. “Did you really think I was going to throw the open salt shaker?”

“Well, you are three very full glasses into this bottle, so I wouldn’t exactly put it past you,” Dave teased.

After Dave’s comment, Klaus made direct eye contact with his handsome boyfriend and downed the rest of his fourth glass. They were drinking a bottle of pinot noir and Klaus had already drunk a good amount of it by himself. Dave was still working on his second glass. He was much more immersed in the cooking than Klaus was. Klaus was taking a glance at the recipe every few minutes and going, “Oh, someone I know added this one time!” and then shoving the ingredient into the pot before Dave could protest. Dave wanted to follow the recipe as tightly as he could, but the chaos from his boyfriend was not allowing him to do so.

They worked on their dish for another ten minutes or so and Klaus had already finished his fifth glass.

“You wanna slow down, babe?” Dave asked. “You’re gonna get drunk.”

Klaus rubbed his already-a-little-bloated tummy. “That’s the goal!” The edges of his words were a little slurred already.

If there was one word that Dave would use to describe Klaus, it would be this: enigma. There were so many things about Klaus that contradicted other characteristics and so many things he did had juxtaposed reasoning. His body was the same. He would have different reactions to different things all of the time. Klaus had a high alcohol tolerance, but at the same time, he didn’t eat too much so he could either get drunk off of not too much alcohol or he could be drinking for a while and still not get too drunk.

Today Klaus had snacked on some crackers but he had woken up late and he didn’t feel like making breakfast. He also didn’t feel like going out of his way to get lunch, so he was working with a rather empty stomach. Four glasses of wine was enough to get him more than a little tipsy.

“Shoot! No no no no no!” Dave fussed over the sauce, which he’d just poured a little too much wine in. Even two glasses of wine in, despite his low tolerance, he was still a perfectionist. Good thing he had Klaus to balance him out.

“Babe, ‘s okay, it’ll cook off!” Klaus wrapped his arms around Dave from behind, pressing soft kisses to the back of his neck, smiling at the way Dave shivered and giggled. “Hehe, I,” he cut himself off with a hiccup. “I got you!”

Klaus loved how ticklish Dave was. Normally he’d give Dave his space when he was busy, saving the tickling for when they were in bed, but right now he had no concept of boundaries. And Dave’s neck just looked so damn cute. Suddenly, Klaus attacked bringing his fingers around to the front of his boyfriend’s neck and attacking.

Dave went wild, dropping the spoon into the saucepan as he twitched and giggled maniacally.

“Stop,” he struggled out in between giggles as he frantically tried to shove Klaus off. “I’m -” another bout of giggles “c-cooking!” He finally managed to push Klaus off, which sent his boyfriend stumbling behind him, catching himself only when he was about to hit the floor. He let out a little shriek as he sorted himself out and Dave couldn’t help but laugh at how drunk his boyfriend was.

“Whoa, hello!” Klaus snorted and leaned against the counter, where they’d left the pinot noir. He grabbed the bottle from off the counter and went to take a swig.

Dave frowned. “Klaus, you’ve had enough.” He grabbed the bottle from his hands.

“Oh, come oooon,” Klaus whined, making grabby hands at the bottle in Dave’s hands.

“Wait twenty minutes and we’ll see.” Dave placed it on the highest shelf, which he could only reach by going on tiptoe. They were the same height, but there was no way Klaus would be able to maintain his balance long enough to reach it.

“You’re no fun,” Klaus said with pouted lips, but nonetheless wrapped his arms back around Dave, whose attention was on the sauce again. Dave may or may not have been the only reason Klaus could even stay upright at the moment.

Dave brought a spoonful up to his mouth and blew on it before tasting. “I’m not sure what it needs.”

He tried not to show his frustration at the way Klaus wordlessly dipped his finger into the (boiling hot!) sauce, licked his lips, and poured in an extra drop of olive oil. Klaus dipped his finger into the sauce again and brought it up to Dave’s lips for him to try.

Dave sighed. “It’s better,” he admitted begrudgingly.

“Of course it is!” Klaus teased, pressing his face back into Dave’s neck as he started to sway back and forth, humming along to the tune of an old song he used to frequently hear Luther blasting from his record player when they were growing up.

Dave smiled as he stirred and listened to Klaus, swaying slightly with him. “What is that song? I don’t think I’ve ever heard it.”

“What?” Klaus asked incredulously, swinging around to Dave’s side to shoot him a confused glance. “You don’t know REO Speedwagon?”

Dave just shook his head, face blank.

“And I can’t fight this feeling anymore,” Klaus sang out loud, grabbing Dave by the shoulders and turning him around to face him, forcing him to abandon the saucepan he was tending to. “I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for.” He wrapped his arms around Dave’s waist and started to lead him in a (very clumsy) dance. “It’s time It’s time to bring this ship into the shore And throw away the oars, forever – you’ve never heard that song?”

Dave shrugged against him. “No. You sure it’s been written, yet?”

Klaus pulled away from him, stumbling backward and hitting the counter again as he laughed out loud, slapping his own forehead and raising his hand in the air in an exaggerated, “Italian” gesture. “O, stunad! What’s a matter for you?”

He paused with his hand high above his head as his breath started hitching, nose twitching for a solid five seconds before he brought it down to cover his nose and whipped his head to the side.

“Ihhhh…… hi’ietSCHieww! Ehhh…..hihe’DTshiehh! Hhnxgshyuu! O, scusami!”

The sneezes sent him stumbling and Dave grabbed onto him to make sure he didn’t slip and hurt himself. “Bless you, bug, be careful,” Dave said. “Hold onto me next time, yeah?”

Klaus nodded, sniffling. The recovery time for those sneezes was a lot longer than it usually was. In fact, he was still recovering when he started to build up again. “Dave it….it tickles again I….HhiiETSHiew!These are so whehhh-wet-hihhh….hng’shiew! HehhISh’ehh! I’m hehh-dizzy ha ha-hiehhh….ingxxt-ngt’uh!”

“Bless you, baby, are you okay?” Dave asked. “What just happened? You’re sneezing like crazy!”

Klaus made a motion asking for a tissue. Dave grabbed a paper towel off of the counter and handed it to Klaus with one hand, and used the other to keep his wine-drunk boyfriend upright. Klaus blew his nose harshly and then wriggled it a few times. “There are so many of these,” he slurred. “I think it’s the wine.” Klaus grabbed the sauvignon blanc bottle off of the countertop and sniffed it. Dave relaxed because he didn’t think Klaus was going to pull anything, but then he quickly brought the bottle up to his lips and took a large gulp.

“Klaus!” Dave scolded him. He stole the bottle and put it with the other one on top of the shelf. When he returned to Klaus, he was standing with his hands a few inches in front of his face, his eyebrows furrowed and his nostrils flaring.

Knowing what was most likely going to happen, Dave pulled Klaus up against him, steadying him with his own body. Klaus buried his face into Dave’s chest and let loose. “Hhhh..Huhh’ENXtshyuu!! Hh’nxshiuu!”

Dave stroked Klaus’ hair. “Bless you. You got a couple more in you?”

Klaus nodded and rubbed his nose against Dave’s apron. “I think so. M’nose won’t stop tickling.” He sniffled hard and Dave had to try his hardest to keep himself together. “Hih’eshyuu! Ugh, yuck. Hihhheng’kt! HiehhhehhETSCHiew-hihhitsshhNXGT!”

When Klaus came back up for air his eyelashes were being held together by tears that threatened to slip down his rosy cheeks. His nose was running slightly and the paper towel Dave had handed Klaus moments before was now more than damp.

“M’head hurts now,” Klaus mumbled. His breath hitched superbly yet he scrunched his nose up trying to fight off the tickle. “Hh’itshieh!”

Dave helped guide Klaus over to one of the chairs at their table and he eased him down onto the seat. Klaus leaned into the back of the chair and held a hand up to his sinuses. Dave’s bubbly and loving boyfriend was now tired and not feeling well. Dave felt guilty that he was quite enjoying the show that Klaus was putting on. His sneezes were so desperate and gorgeous and everything Dave wanted to hear.

Unfortunately, Klaus was now dizzy. He massaged his sinuses for a minute or two before bringing his hand up to nurse his head.

Dave leaned in and kissed Klaus on the lips gently. Klaus kissed him back. As Dave pulled apart, he slid his nose up against Klaus’ in a quick motion that sparked a tickle in Klaus’ nose.

“Davey you sonovabitch-ihhh? EhhhhhHh…ugh. Oh-waitno-HnngtshIEH! Oh fuck that was big. HhhhhISHieh! Oh my-ixgtshiEHH-ixhtshiew!” Klaus’ nose was leaking a bit and he swiped at it with his sleeve, wincing after. His shirt was a little rough for his liking. He grabbed a dish towel off of the table and blew his nose into it.

“Hey! That was for taking our dishes out of the oven!” Dave grinned. “Bless you.”

Klaus hiccupped. “My nose tickles so fucking much what the fuck.”

He shook his head wildly as another hitching breath coursed its way through him, this time leaving him in despair.

Dave returned to the saucepan and started seeing if it was ready to go on the pasta and the chicken. He stirred it around for a few more minutes and added some parmesan cheese. He startled when he felt Klaus’ arms around him. He was supposed to be sitting down.

“Honey, what are you doing up?” Dave asked.

Klaus shrugged, “I got bored.”

“You can’t be all sneezy around the food, baby.”

“Oh no no I promise I’m dhhh-donesneezing. Forever.”

“You sure?” Dave turned his head around to assess the damage. Klaus still looked pretty sniffly, but he didn’t look like he was going to start up again soon. So Dave returned to cooking, letting Klaus hug him from behind and give him occasional tips from over his shoulder.

“No, Davey. That’s too big.” Klaus was helping Dave to dice onions. Dave went back over the patch he’d messed up on.

“How’s that?”

“Perfect!” Klaus giggled and pressed a kiss into Dave’s hair from behind. “Perfeziona-hhh’nxgsh!” Klaus sneezed suddenly into Dave’s hair. “Hehehe, whoopsies - oh my god!”

Klaus grabbed Dave’s left hand, holding up the index finger, which was bleeding a bit.

“What happened, Davey?” He frantically ripped off a paper towel and held it up to his boyfriend’s finger.

“Uh, I dunno. My hand slipped.” Dave shrugged. He had his head down. Klaus put a hand on his cheek and made him look back at him. Dave was blushing profusely.

“Why are you– oh my god, it was the sneeze, wasn’t it?” Klaus bit down on his lip to keep from giggling when Dave nodded. “You’re fuckihhhhh….. n’gxtshuu! shitting me right now. You’re gonna cut your hand off next time.”

“Klaus, it’s just a little cut,” Dave protested. Klaus scrunched up his nose and response. Then a devilish little smirk crossed his face.

“Well, in that case -hh!” Klaus yanked Dave’s hand away from the stove and kissed his booboo. “Mwah!-hih!” He buried his nose into Dave’s palm. “h’xnkgt!”

Dave yanked his hand away, blushing deep red.’

“Klaus, you’re sneezing again. You should go sit back down.”

“No,” Klaus sniffled and swiped the back of his hand across his nose. “I’m fine. We have to finish cooking.”

And they did. It only took them about ten more minutes to finish cooking. In that time, Klaus’ sneezes slowly died down until they came to an apparent stop. And when they finally sat down to eat, he managed to convince Dave that he was sober enough for another glass of wine. He wanted more Pinot Noir, but Dave wouldn’t let him touch it. He resolved to finishing off the bottle himself, and (reluctantly) poured Klaus a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.

“Mmm,” Klaus leaned back in his seat with a contented sigh, staring down at his empty plate. “That was so good, Davey. I’m a culinary genius.

“Just you?” Dave asked through a mouthful of spaghetti He was only halfway through his own plate. “Last I checked, I helped.”

“Hmmm, I guess. You were my sous chef,” Klaus said with a giggle and a little shrug. He let out a tiny burp and brought a hand to rub at his bloated tummy. “Ugh, I’m so stuffed. Not complaining though.”

“I can’t believe you ate all that.”

“I hadn’t eaten all day!” Klaus leaned over the table to poke Dave’s nose. “Don’t judge me.”

“Not judging,” Dave scrunched his nose and swallowed his food. He booped Klaus back on the nose. “You’re cute.”

“No, you’re cute! You’re cute when you’re eating, with your teeny-tiny widdle mouthfuls!” Klaus picked up a handful of spaghetti off of Dave’s plate with his bare hands and dangled it over his boyfriend’s face. “Let me eat vicariously through you.”

Dave shook his head and chuckled but nonetheless obliged, setting his knife and fork down and opening his mouth up wide for Klaus.

“Heeeeeere comes the….. Hih! Hih’dTSHieww!”

Klaus heard Dave laughing before he opened his eyes. When he opened them, he saw his boyfriend doubled over and hysterical.

“What’s so funny? It was just a - hih’xngtshu! A sneeze,” Klaus grinned. “I get that you like them but this is a bit extreme.”

Dave didn’t look up, just pointed towards the wall.

“L-Look at the,” he giggled between words. The wine must be getting to him, too. “Look at the wall, bug.”

Klaus followed Dave’s gaze and looked at the wall, which was smeared with chicken piccata, spaghetti noodles slowly sliding down towards the floor. He laughed even harder than Dave.

They ate for a few more minutes until there was no more food left to eat. Klaus had convinced Dave into letting him have another glass of pinot noir. Dave was on his fourth glass.

“Hh’hetsjhuh! IhhNXGT’uh! Hihhh…hiehh…fuck,” Klaus sniffled hard. He picked up his napkin and squished his nose into it, blowing hard.

Dave smiled softly. He said, “So the wine sneezes are back. C’mon, bug, let’s get you to bed. I’m gonna clean up but I’ll be right in with a box of tissues as soon as I’m done.” He pressed a kiss onto Klaus’ sweaty forehead.

“Ehh’nXGTzhiuu! Will you be my tissue?”

“Anything, for you.”

#tua #klaus snz #tua snz #klaus hargreeves #klave #snz #snzfic #umbrella academy

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