#Thing the Institute's got going on

[sophieswundergarten]

This is A COMPLAINT

Now, I get that there are some incredibly distraught children in the foreground, but there is time to talk about that later.

WHAT I'M COMPLAINING ABOUT IS THAT PICTURE

What??? Even is it??? It's, like, two nonsensical abstract paintings, that just keep replicating into oblivion??? WHY????

Oh my heavens I hate this picture so much I revile it with the highest level of distaste it is abhorrent and ugly and confusing and it totally pulled me out of the moment. I'm pretty sure I had to rewind this episode at least once because I totally missed the heartbreaking and hugely important dialogue because that picture was so distracting

#I mean #Absolute huge commendation to the people who chose it because it fully fits Curtain's obfuscating pretentious attitude #And the composition of this scene is masterful and someday I will talk about that #But I just couldn't get over that horrid painting and I needed to express how much I loathe it #The thing's like the embodiment of the the stupid #“The rules are there are no rules but still follow them please / It seems confusing but it isn't” #Thing the Institute's got going on #But I have seen so many people make fun of him for his atrocity of decor in the office with the fake bookcases #And I felt this needed to be included #You cannot tell me that he didn't leave his office at 2 in the morning incredibly sleep deprived and walk right into that wall at least onc #Okay sorry I know that was a stupid thing to rant about #the mysterious benedict society #mbs #ld curtain #mr. curtain #nathaniel benedict

[the-magpie-archives]

My friend's started listening to TMA and they've been texting me their thoughts, needless to say they're a fan of Martin!

#If you don't relate to these then who are you #They just reached 160 and so are going through the suffering really! #It's pretty great to force your peers to listen to tma #We've got a running joke that I'm Jon and they're Martin and it's been surprisingly fitting for a lot of situations we've ended up in?? #Also I did get their permission to post these!! #tma #the magnus archives #the magnus institute #martin blackwood #jonathan sims #tma memes #tma headcanons #Oh also if you're reading the tags you deserve to know that the magpie hop thing is indeed a direct jab at me :( #Many years ago as a joke I started doing a silly little bird hop whenever I walk over a curb or something and I've never been able to stop #Also I did change the phrasing of the caption cos I originally posted it at 2am and woke up with a changed mind 💀💀

[girldewar]

when the poll ends do you mind sharing what you vs your friend thought the key hockey concept was? I'm so curious !

yes !! so skill play ended up winning, but if you combine the two categories of fighting and physical play, they add up to way more. this came up because i'm currently going through a whole emotional journey around violence in sport and the way personal choice, bodily autonomy, and the monolith of sports culture can overlap and conflict. that's not super important but i think more people should think about it because it's a really interesting and tough topic. anyway, i was talking to my friend from rural BC, and we were talking about violence/physicality as an inherent part of hockey or if there was a way to mitigate dangerous injury while still maintaining the spirit of hockey as a sport.

she was of the opinion that physical play, fighting, all of that were essential to hockey, and there was no way to play the same game without them. i'm still working on what my opinion is, but i'm finding that more and more i come down on the side of, hey, all of these injuries are unnecessary and there's no reason for hockey -- contact sport though it may be -- to be this dangerous and injurious. there's a lot of reasons i feel this way, but one of the biggest ones is that when i think of hockey -- when i think of the most important, joyous, exciting moments in hockey, moments that made me genuinely love this sport and the place it holds in my life -- i think almost entirely about skill play. what makes hockey worth watching for me is the speed, the skill, the insane passes and bad-angle goals. kirill kaprizov sidney crosby trick shot type shit. when those players have room to play, i love this sport like nothing else.

my friend, on the other hand, isn't wrong when she says that overall, the impression people have of hockey tends toward violence. even if they haven't thought about it enough to pass judgment, the vast majority of people think first of checks and fights.

the problem i have is that a lot of times, skill players are stifled by physical play. i like puck possession, but checking turns that into an almost irrelevant part of nhl hockey, and i like when superstars have space to do insane things, but if they're injured half the year because every fourth liner in the league pretty much has free reign to headhunt without the refs blowing the whistle, i don't get to see any of that. it's the same reason i'm annoyed with the way kirill's been treated in the league -- he's a phenomenal player who can do unparalleled things on the ice, but his production has been down because he got injured a couple seasons ago and hasn't had the space (or protection from further injuries, looking at you, dops) to heal it fully and get back to form. in what world is that the best that hockey can be? i'd rather every skill player gets long, obnoxious nhl careers than keep fistfights in a sport that really doesn't need them, but i'm aware i'm in the tiny minority there.

#also the reason fighting is such an institution is because the dops is shit and refs don't call dangerous plays against skill players #& especially european skill players #but You Know #& don't get me started on the whole enforcer cte thing which um. doesn't just go away because you 'got rid' of enforcers. now you just have #actual skilled players going and getting their lights punched out every week. im sure that's fine for them #sorry this sort of turned into me on my soapbox but what it comes down to is: i don't like physical play but i'm aware that the Zeitgeist #can't imagine hockey without it and that's just something i have to figure out how to feel about #ask #anon #also i think this comes from having my sports background mostly in performing arts #like sports are a performance you know. why wouldn't you try to present the best most beautiful version of your sport possible #long post

[caterpillarinacave]

I love Charlotte and Henry and they're super underrated. And I would VERY MUCH like to hear the headcanons whirring about in your brain.

Oh well buckle up cause literally all I think about is head cannons. Like, you know how cells replace themselves every few years? Mine have replaced themselves with head cannons. *Sorry it took me a hot moment to answer this ask, I was busy howling into my pillow whenever I tried to articulate thoughts.*

First of all, they’re very cuddly. They basically sleep on top of each other (Charlotte hasn’t needed a pillow in decades). Henry cant sleep well without Charlotte in his arms and Charlotte can’t sleep well anywhere other than Henry’s arms so it works out. Plus, they both do that thing where they jerk awake like the world is ending and scare the shit out of each other, so sleeping in a hug that basically pins them both down saves some energy at 2am. Henry’s perpetually cold and sleeps under like, four blankets, so Charlotte just wears summer nightgowns all year and wraps herself around Henry like a koala.

Naturally there’s an angsty side to the incessant cuddling because that’s just the way I role.

Charlotte sleeps with her head on Henry’s chest so she can always feel him breathing because, by the angel, she remembers when he wasn’t. She sleeps with a hand on his pulse point because she wakes up in the middle of the night and she’s still half asleep they might as well be on the floor in that mountain and she might as well still be desperately swearing she didn’t imagine his heartbeat.

While on the topic of soul crushing feelings of guilt, y’all remember from Clockwork Angel that Henry was the one who told Mortmain what a Pyxis was? And he wanted Charlotte to tell the clave that and she wouldn’t because “they already treat him so badly”? Because I do. And so does Henry.

(I’ve got a whole WIP that I love very dearly about this head cannon and this chess game hehe) There’s one random old tutor who goes to the London institute once a month-ish, basically to hand out a few weeks of homework to any shadow hunters who don’t have their own tutors. Most shadow hunters who live in a more rural area show up a few times a year so the clave knows they’re alive and at least somewhat literate. Charlotte attends them every month since, you know, she lives there, but Henry lives somewhere around Yorkshire so he shows up every few months. The professor is kind of a dick ngl. He doesn’t help Charlotte with any school why would a woman need to be so well educated? “Go on find a husband and stop worrying you’re pretty little head” sort of shit. Henry drives him insane because he’s a) some random kid who’s smarter than him and b) didn’t use any of the professors materials to get that smart. Professor Douche is constantly trying to get him to be wrong about something, or at least flustered about something and he doesnt ever do either of those things, and even more aggravating he refuses to get upset. (He honestly just assumed the professor wasn’t that smart.)

Charlotte’s a really good student of course, but she’s having a shit time with some mathematics and the professor absolutely refuses to help her with it. Eventually she asks Henry if he wouldn’t mind helping her with it, which he’s happy to do (once he figures out that’s what shes actually asking lol.)

Charlotte is incredibly distracted the entire time by Henry’s freckles (and eyes. And hands. And the way his hair curls on the nape of his neck. And the spots of gold and green in his hazel eyes that flashed as bright as the sun when the light catches them. And-), but they get through it in an hour or two which leaves them alone in a deserted wing of the institute. They end up playing a game chess. Charlottes a decent player and thought since Henry had never showed any interest in chess it would be a probably be an evenly matched game. She didn’t know what hit her. He beat her in like, eight minutes, eighty percent of which were spent on the last two moves by Charlotte who, upon realizing she was fucked, spent five minutes staring at the board trying to figure out when he even started beating her. She was sitting there having a whole crisis, (she’d been distracted by a man who probably doesn’t like her, and certainly doesn’t think much of her now after a pathetic loss like that and now she’ll have to sit hear and wallow in failure-) just preparing for him to start that whole smug gloating thing men do when they win and Henry you know. Didn’t. He just put the pieces away and thanked her for the game, in that very genuine way, with the gloomy London evening light casting a depressing shadow across the room, a shadow that he stood out against all gentle, kind, bright and brimming with a sort of barely contained passion. If Charlotte had ever doubted that shadow hunters had come from straight angels then sitting there, looking at a boy stained in soot, who she loved more than anything else to walk the earth, she would never doubt it again.

(It wasn’t until after Henry won and noticed Charlotte hadn’t said anything in a while that he remember people don’t like losing. Honestly he was playing just to be around her and he would have thrown the game if he could conceptualize how to do that on the fly. They spent like five minutes in autistic silence waiting for the other to stand up and declare newfound hatred.)

In true British fashion the a modern tea bag would kill them both.

When they were both 13 or 14 Charlotte mentioned she was dreading winter because it’s so bleak and dark (and her mom had died a few winters before, though she didn’t drop that in casual conversation). Anyways, come winter Henry brought her a marigold preserved in something like resin. She kept it in her jewelry box for years and after they got married she found out he had literally dozens of them. Whenever he came across a particularly bright flower he preserved it and set it aside. He was never quite brave enough to give them to her pre-TID, but he now leaves them for her when she’s particularly sad or stressed. She keeps them all in a drawer- they fit together like little tiles, and still look as fresh as they would had they just been plucked from the ground.

Somewhat surprisingly Henry doesn’t really lose stuff, with the singular exception being his own medical equipment. He’s lost the leg braces he wears every single day of his life before. Charlotte’s not usually speechless but she wasn’t sure what to say to that one.

Henry gave Charlotte a watch with a hands and numbers that can glow the same way a modern day one would. It’s absolutely beautiful, durable and accurate, even if Henry set himself on fire at least four times making it. (They can say with confidence that that watch is fireproof)

—-

Honestly, I could go on and on, then on some more, but technically I’m supposed to be writing a paper on gut micro biomes that’s due tomorrow, so I figured I’d cut myself of. In conclusion, I love them dearly, they love each-other dearly, they deserve the world, all I can think about is them, and the world can pry them out of my cold dead hands.

#My rough drafts are a goldmine #I’ve got basically a full novel of Henry and Charlotte in the form of random chapters scattered around a google doc #The second to last one might have come about because Ive always had an affinity for losing medical equipment #Yes it’s normally attached to my body no I don’t know where it went #I love so much #the thoughts are suffocating #My brain replays “they believed right then that Shadowhunters came from angels” constantly #It’s one of the lines I made up and lives rent free in my head #I direct everyone to Qui Voltum Tolt Vultum Perdit on my AO3 which will eventually be full of henry and Charlotte #That fic is a very articulate example of some of my thoughts #The bit about the marigold I mentioned is just the surface btw it’s so much 💅deeper💅 #I didn’t even mention the snow scene on here (scene I made up. And only I know about) #Or the scars. Dhegvgfg the scar thing #One of my own WIPs that makes me cry because I need someone to love me that way #Also left out the pajama thing the baked good thing the boat thing the “teaching original London institute gang to swim” thing #The newspaper thing floor thing the triplets thing the Yorkshire thing the bathtub thing the tiny little children #The smell of air before a storm thing the lemon thing the piano thing the music thing ugh I could go on and on #Tid #thanks for the ask! #fairwell #…anyone got any good articles on the gut microbiome

[anglerfishenthusiast]

fuck all the discourse about the story or the any of that, blah blah, MY controversial fallout 4 opinion is that x6-88 is my bestest friend ever

#im posting this like im a time capsule from multiple years back but ignore that. #i got sad today because x6 got shelved from an all companions thing i watched earlier #if you can take danse you can take my boy!! go get him!!!! you went and did brotherhood stuff its time to put on your big boy boots #march into the institute and stomach the like 2 quests you have to do to go get my boy . #lemon squeezy.txt #those final 2 tags are both to the video person and every fallout 4 player

[dysaniadisorder]

i hate how normalized military is in the us im gonna rip my hair out

#i just. was talking w friends today #one of them was talking abt how he was almost convinced by the recruitment lady to join the navy and i was like. dude #and i was talking about how messed up it is that they send in people like that and catch kids like him #and my friends were like. you cant really blame her for doing her job. its her JOB like yes. it is her job. its fucking Bad #my best friend got all angry cuz his dad was in the navy. babe idc if he didnt actually fight he shouldnt have done it ♡ #''people get drafted'' you have to dodge the draft. #''thats illegal'' yes. this is a requirement for if you are drafted. you Have to just not. #no one said action would be comfortable nor convenient. in fact it is going to be almost none of either #you are gonna have to face that the military murders human beings and your dad is not any better #and people who its ''just their job'' to do it chose that job. and they know #''you cant get mad at the worker woman; you have to get mad at the institution'' no im mad at the individual woman too #just because its your job to manipulate kids and kill Arab people doesnt mean its okay #''not everyone in the military is actively fighting'' no! they arent. but they are helping those that are. #they are not complicit but actively helping. you have to do anything and everything you can to just Not Fucking do that #ANYONE in the military has failed being a decent human 101. being in any part of the military means you are okay with centuries of genocide #and encourage even more. its not 'just your job' you are OK and more for relentless murder and i wish you harm #anyways. sometimes repeating & internalizing the things ur parents say means watch our for road traps and the beatles are good. #sometimes it is US propaganda and just because it is in your own house and coming from a loved one doesnt mean you cant not fall for it #edit not to mention him saying this the day after aaron bushnell died. dude #unethical jobs exist. it is everyones job to bring them down #''its just her job'' was Bushnells sacrifice not fucking enough for you??? and the millions of dead Palestinians????? christ

[bookwyrminspiration]

i applied for a $13000 a year scholarship and got it btw. if you even care

#quil's unholy underworld #yay! it thought I'd get it but wasn't sure #I have not processed it nor do I have any idea how to #but! I applied for it a few months ago and got the notif today! #and I have submitted the form to accept it #it's nerve wracking because of all the like 'you gotta do this to maintain your scholarship you aren't allowed to take #classes at other branches and if you go to another institution this will be canceled' #but like. i know it just seems intimidating and it's fine #and what am I gonna do? /not/ accept the 13 grand a year scholarship? #that I submitted like one day before the deadline? #anyway i got like two other college things to submit as well but one isn't due until the 15th and the other isn't due until... #actually idk when it's due #and oh there's a third thing! that's due may 1st but I gotta make a phone call maybe so I'm putting it off #but anyway. got a scholarship :)

[transkenobis]

the thing about so many fantasy properties is that they set out to be revolutionary and then they get distracted by the Romance And Flair of the concepts theyre trying to critique. gucas allegedly intended star wars as a critique of us politics in the back half of the twentieth century but he and everyone else ended up blinded by the glowing swords and the flashy duels and the Romance of knights and so chose not to follow through and make characters like obi-wan terrible people who clung to the past and to their mistakes and to their governments even in the face of corruption and collapse. all that is to say that in order for gucas's alleged intentions to actually be present in the text of the prequels obi-wan kenobi must be a bad person who is not forgiven by the narrative

#matt speaks #ive heard people say similar things about stormlight as the series progresses and im just thinking about it. #in order for gucas to tell the story that he claims he wants to tell. youve got to let go of the idea #that the jedi order is a paragon of morality. that obi-wan is a good person. #obi wan is a symbol of the states and institutions that hes dedicated his life to. if they are corrupt (and they are) then so is he. #star wars #and like ngl obi wan is way more interesting if you take this view of his character.

[aceofspades-11b]

Can I have a blue pen?

Me looking up half chewing the only one pen I brought

Fellow batchmate didn't even respond just looked away in disappointment

#fuckin phy lab #fuck u #if I can't defeat it with sarcasm or whatever is available in the moment I'm done for #and I come preloaded with sarcasm #so I was as prepared as I could be #turns out I was wrong #and the moment was so wrong #imma kill the prof and lab assistant #got the worst experiment #2 crucial things were not provided #had to go around 20 mins asking for proper apparatus #one broken multimeter I got #discharge rod they just said uske bia krlo hum kya kre tum log kharab kr dete ho leke chle jaate ho #arree benchod #ye to teri zimmedaar haina ki kya kre #fucker tried gaslighting me ki iski zarurat nhi rod ke bina hojaega #had to “share” #fuckin prof himself said yeah this setup may not be working good luck with it #good luck?!?!?!!! #good fuckin luck #why tf would you have it on exam day if you KNOW IT DOESN'T WORK??!!!!!?! #alag hi lund aadmi hai #also apparently we needed a pencil scale erasers calculator whole lotta stuff to make graphs and all which I didn't have #but that's on me #altho I did need readings first to fukcin draw a graph #indian institute my ass

[slocumjoe]

You ever think about Shaun and Danse interacting and cry a lil bit

#theodoor (renamed synth shaun) struggles w/ being a copy of a contentious evil man #and being used as bait #and being taken in by that mans father as a pity child. not what was wanted but there anyway #and feels urges to act a certain way even after gus gets his ideal programming outta there #and resents basically everything and everyone involved in his existence #because he isnt just a lure. hes a doll. hes a toy made by a cruel and heartless man. made to be exactly like him #and every time he feels any negative emotion he feels like Shaun won and got his clone #every time he feels positive emotion he feels like a puppet carrying out Shauns wishes to be the ideal child #and DANSE eventually comes to terms with his nature/himself in general and gets better. and as he slowly starts entering a relationship #with gus he starts noticing /hey this kid is going through something similar/ #/i suffered this but at least i was free to do as i wanted. teddy is a child & hes meant to be a specific child that he cannot possibly be/ #and danse notices that teddy is squeamish around science because he wants to distance himself from shaun #so he takes him under his wing. /you wanna see how a laser works?/ and gets him to see that science is not a force of evil #but a tool to be used. Shaun used it for his ego but Danse uses it to protect the others. Isa uses it to heal the wasteland. #Curie uses science to save people and heal their pain. he shows him /you know better. so you wont become him. you literally couldn’t./ #like. teddy has a lot of issues being put on the spot to be the missing boy come home. but not being that boy #and danse gets it. he had issues after building his existence on being a paladin and model soldier only to be the Enemy #he gets trying so hard and wanting so bad to be one thing or fully the other. not be in that awful middle ground where its all confusing #and danse figures out over time that the Institute made m797 but he - his choices and his experience - made Danse #and its the same for teddy. and the kid gets along better having someone who can closest understand what he feels #ss; alter #bc teddy is gus' kid so he goes in the tag

[999-roses]

unpacking 'sinophone' and its sinophobic roots

so. it never occurred to me to just type "sino diaspora" into google before.

and google is like "oi!! you meant sinophone yeah? here's wikipedia on sinophone" and here's like the other top results

I'm squinting. What the hell do you academics have against diaspora using the term diaspora?? I click.

inb4 this whole rant: I have no qualms with using sinophone as a language-family-use descriptor (like sinophone media), but coming from academia or as an academic field unto itself. but. the literature about wanting to use it as a demographics thing & separate it from "chineseness". just. looook if anyone knows that they're no longer like this let me know. with what im seeing, im having a bad faith moment

so... this is the academic that's hard pushed the term for sinophone.

"crit on orientalism might be complicit for allowing Chinese intellectuals to call themselves victim under an 'unreflective' nationalism" & "but the flipside may be a new imperialism" yeah?? any more unsubstantiated claims???

What a joke!! Clearly only takes authority about Chinese history from western sources, like literally has the uncritical echo of "X country doesn't deserve territorial integrity" that literally fueled western imperialism, and not just of China. Treaty of Nanjing 1842 ringing no bells? Sigh. National sovereignty is the barest basis against overt imperialism where someone just comes over and declares where you live their colony!!! ... is this a test in how far can you stretch the definition of imperialism or colonization? lmfao, China invests in poverty-relieving measures like building houses and improving infrastructure out in Tibet, Guizhou, Xinjiang, and you have the audacity to call that colonizing?!? 我真无言了。

different article by the same person:

laughable to think that the Chinese state even bothers to think I exist, let alone talk to me about my diaspora status. (I was born in the US)

also, people are really out there saying 'diaspora has an end date' huh

here it is. here is the 'scholar' conflating American or western imperialism with things Big Bad Scary Red China does.

Clearly mixing up concepts of tributary system with colonialism, and acting like historically (other than Yuan era under Genghis) that ancient China/Chinese culture was expansionist, going around trying to conquer peoples and set up colonies. Admiral Zheng He would spit on you.

Comparing the spread of culture and language in Ancient China to the colonization and subjugation that the French/Belgium did in Africa, or the British Empire, or the Spanish and Portuguese in Latin America, is so blatantly dishonest. The indigenous people of Tibet, Inner Mongolia, and Xinjiang still speak their own languages and use their own scripts, and yes, they learn them in schools alongside the national language... which is Chinese!!! Yes the Hanyu writing system was adopted and adapted by many neighboring cultures in ancient times, but you literally don't examine WHY? The fluidity in its system: frequently non-Han peoples invented characters to suit their language, like there's even some Canto-specific characters that are in use today. Another reason that Chinese writing system was so popular was because two Sinitic language speakers who do not speak the same language could communicate through the same script. Yeah, Ancient Chinese scholars and dignitaries often had an insufferable elite-ness and superiority complex, but describing their attitude as subjugating and forcing other people to adopt their system? What a wildly malicious mischaracterisation!

just... mask off, gringo butt-licker.

Please. where is the "Chinese containment" policy? The white papers reaffirming what the international community agrees, what Taiwan historically agrees (tho Taiwan held that it was the true capital/head of all of China), that Taiwan is part of China?? I know this article was written back in 2010s but are you seriously comparing American weapons deals and boots on the ground with Chinese military exercises in Chinese territory that haven't harmed a single civilian? "critical" my ass!

gotta love the title of this one. yeah, I know it, I've seen it before. the Chinese or feminist binary, pick a side /s

but hey in this piece she admits she's ignorant and unobjective and out of her league sometimes?

edit: found this:

yeah that about seals it for me. anti"diaspora" sinophobe

#sino diaspora #diaspora #逆向种族分子 #long post #chen yells at clouds. more at 10 #sinophobia #sorry. personal rabbit hole. and taking things personally #we're committing ad hominem crimes today folks #sure chinese->lunar new year. im fine w that. but can you fucks stop trying to take away chineseness away from people who still ID as??? #this person is literally doing the western empire's work of laying ground for sinophobia #can't tell if this academic is a grifter or actually serious lmfao #as if american chinese diaspora don't call americans 老美 and call ourselves 老中. i mean yes i call myself 老美 when in china but hello?? #you cloak your 'expertise' in the lingua & clothes & rituals of western academics. just shake your colonized ass for white people more #reading this drivel makes me want to go into asian american studies & grab this and shake it around like a ragdoll. #but im reminded that western institutions and definitely academics unquestionably cite western sources w/o hesitation #but give anything coming out of China even just academics not anything gov related with skepticism. so it's probably a no-fly #yeah sure im a 'sinophone' but im also diaspora so fuck you. 你忘了你祖先你的族梗。你这个逆子找白人拜金去了。就你这样做榜样？让海外华裔立起来？丢死人。跟你的英文大白菜出卖同类吧 #fuck you for saying that diaspora's connection to their heritage & culture are currently being severed& should be severed & studied as such #like literally uncritical of how exactly that happens. why so many diaspora have internalized racism driving them to scrub themselves of #their asianness heck even chineseness. try to scrub it all away but you still got an asian face. so fuck you #didn't look into 'asian american studies' much before but if it's a lot like this... well. 🤨 #like this academic is so disconnected from our shared histories AHSIJIJDSIAJDAAAHAAHGGHGGG #+ my poasts #imperial core circus

[iwantyoursexmp3]

the 'i want to do my masters in writing so i can teach writing at university level' to 'i'm starting to believe creative writing should not be a degree that you can get at all' pipeline

#not in a shaming individuals who have or plan to get writing degrees way. i mean im still considering it #like from an academisation of writing pov.... #i dont think a writing degree should have the weight that it does with the barriers it creates #the thing is my dream job/state of existence is things that would only be possible to keep me afloat #if i did writing postgrad and go the right connections at the right time #but i dont like anything that turns writing into an institution and creates barriers for access #i dont think writers esp vulnerable writers should be taught that to get certain levels of access they need #to put themselves through a system that is so sexist misogynistic homophobic transphobic racist ableist bigoted etc #and that's if they can even GET in the programs in the first place #i got offers for my dream MA two years in a row and the only thing that stopped me was costs #and now if i apply again i wont be able to use my writing teachers as references because they have to have taught me in the last two years #SO WHO TF DO I USE!!!! #i think there needs to be more cultivation in spaces that study and share writing theory and create workshop and connections without #the academic institution of it all #idk im starting to be like what will a writing MFA give me except connections and access #also i was wondering why im slower at writing short fiction than i was last year BITCH!! YOU WERE IN A CREATIVE WRITING CLASS #you literally HAD to write stories so you might as well submit them! #the only reason i have a pushcart nom and a writing grant is bc of the stories i had to write for that class

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#the thing abt me is that if u complement me in an academic context i will melt #me walking into every interview: fuck this school. i dont wanna go there. im sad. on one is gonna want me. i can hardly function. fuck this #me walking out of every interview: fuck. the project is cool and they said nice things abt me 😭 #fuck. the guy from the lab i interviewed with basically said if u wanna be here i can make it happen. i like ur style and i think ur a #super good candidate 😭 and he quoted my wanky writing bc i got a bit flowery and idealistic lol #and hes on the admissions committee so he was like: yea i can support u if u want just let me kno #and fucking hell the project is cool. but the thing is i think id have to be less of a sad sac bc i think he expects a lot and is hands off #but it is a big institution with a lot of creative ppl and theyre good abt supporting interdisciplinary work #so like the opportunities there would be pretty fucking great i think. hhhhhh god. theres no way i could take the uk one now #fuck. wtf am i gonna do abt that? do i bow out now before ive committed so they have a shot with another person #or is it too late for that bc they already put my name forward to the committee #god dammit. this was the one i was supposed to b like yea no shot am i getting this. and now im like fucking considering it like #the opportunities.... but id have to live in new jersey... it would b closer to home i guess. id b back on east coast time #and i could work with Yellowstone organisms. and i bet the classes r pretty fucking rad education wise #god. decisions. im gonna play Choices by the Hoosiers like a million times #thats what i did wjen i was deciding to go for undergrad. and then i didnt even decide. i was just like... well i dont wanna go to the #place all my classmates r going. i will go 3hrs away. then 12hrs by plane for my masters #fuck. at least it went well. everyone was nice and the 2nd guy i talked to was like: #even if u dont go here. email me if u end up working with zinc and i can help. and i was like 😭 #i got a bit rambly with him but whatever he was 15min late so we're even lol #i was way too nervous. but it was ok. but also i dont understand wtf other incoming phd students r like?? #like they say im a good candidate and ive got good background and im like ??? what sort of losers r u looking at if u think im good? #i just think maybe what i wanna do is unique and very specific so im like not trying to do just anything. i have standards lol #and apparently im more coherent than i give myself credit for. i talk good sometimes and i have enthusiasm when i dont feel like im dying #god. i was not expecting this. i dont belong at a school working with tech startups like wtf. i come from a place of slightly trash #universities lol. well my undergrad uni wasnt so bad... well i mean the city is the butt of a lot of ohio related jokes tho. im looking at #u klinger. fucking mean streets of toledo. whatever the school im at now is worse. couldnt even keep my boss here smh #anyway what the fuck. and i got a lotta writing done today what the fuck #me being competent???? unheard of. god. imagine if i had my shit together. i could kill god. algae and other scientists would fear me #unrelated

[hwiyoungies]

was talking to my mom about how the adoption process worked when they adopted my brother and man some people truly are just scum

#all of their process was basically public? since there wasn't a private institution back then (not sure how it is now) #so it was basically women who were 100% sure they were going to give their baby away no matter what #and then when the day came they were like noo i'm keeping the baby (which should be good right?) #and then they would do a follow up and turns out there was no baby because they were basically sold illegally #obviously to people that were not from chile #because what um hospitals? no it's not hospitals but adjacent i guess #what they would do is that they would have a program basically were pregnant women would be like hey this kid once they're born? #i'm gonna abandon them basically. so they hospital would get in contact with the social service #the social service would contact people that wanted to be parents. the they would come and there was no baby because they were sold #obviously didn't happen to my parents but what did happen was the social service lady asking them #if they wanted to see the kid first in case they ''didn't like him'' #and my dad being my dad got furious because what the hell that's my kid no matter what #and the sad reality was that a lot of adoptive parents would like to look at the kid first to see if they liked them as if they were what #a fucking couch #anyways. everyday i'm more thankful for how open my mom is about this whole thing and how it was #she still has the name and all the info of my brother's biological mother in case he wants to contact her again #(which hasn't happened since he had his very big and bad bipolar crisis) #but yeah idk i admire my mom a lot she's always trying to do what's best for everyone even if sometimes it comes out a little harsh #b.txt

[apoloniaspiegelgold]

Now that my boss has hired a new PhD student, he literally straight up kicks me out of my office by the end of the month with no warning just so that the new girl can move into my office instead. So now I have to move into an office at the far end of the corridor whose inhabitant was at least asked if he'd be okay to move out of there into an empty office. And I'm just sitting here like ... why? Why not put the new girl into the empty office? What is this insanity?

#i practically live in this office and it's right next to that of my boss who is basically NEVER THERE so WHY #he's literally forcing two people to move out of their offices just so the new girl is right next to his own #our secretary came by today after she got the news to see how much stuff we are going to have to move around the entire institute #and she also said that she doesn't find this okay in any way. i just don't get it. i doubt the new girl is happy about this either like ??? #and he didn‘t even tell me anything about this he literally just put me in cc of an email that was like ‚yeah let‘s just kick her out‘ #the thing that's bugging me the most about this actually is that my office is opposite of one of my favourite people in the whole world #so we always know when the other is there and we can always hear each other coming and always just pop by to say hello #and now i'm supposed to move like a mile away from him and for what? #maybe i'm overreacting i mean it's just an office but it's MY office i've spent thousands of hours in there and he could've at least asked #ramblings

[beelzzzebub]

the only thing getting me through is the thought that i don't have physics lab next week

#i actually enjoy the work honestly #but the time constraint for getting things done is so anxiety inducing #it always makes me feel so inferior to everyone else #it's just always new stuff to me #and i take longer than everyone else to work through stuff #and it's hard for me to get stuff done #especially when it's new material #and because we're always given such broad and confusing directions #it makes me feel so stupid but i just wish that instructors could give more in depth and specific instructions #because otherwise it'll take me like five times as long as everyone else to figure out what we're actually supposed to be doing #and even then i'll be extra worried that i haven't got the right idea #even when i'm listening to or reading instructions i have to go over it several times before i understand #i need time for the words to become more than just symbols and sounds #and then i need time to connect their meaning to the context of what i'm doing #it's incredibly frustrating and demoralizing #and i know i'm smart and capable #i always end up doing well #i'm at an 'academically challenging institution' and i know i got in here on my own merit #hell i graduated as a valedictorian with the highest test scores in my high school #but still somehow every time i sit in a space next to other people #i feel infinitely small and worthless