#This bad boy is unloved on tik tok | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sziroi · 2 years

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"Warmth"

Mixed media on canvas, 60x70cm

Posting this is hard, I'm only doing fanarts here.

But I need help.

I need to change something before I die.

My family house is very abusive and I'm very ill person. I have even police case. I cannot look for help from doctor because my family does not want to support me, I'm irrelevant and useless. I'm the bad, bastard child of my father, who prefers his wife and their son more. I have never known love so I paint it and I imagine it in the world of Su. Su is the boy I imagined as maybe 5 year old kid, to be my friend and alterego, because even then, I was falling apart. We have grown up together, only us. And I feel like Anne from Green Gables talking to wardrobes, but I really cannot get anything else here or any different place. I have lots of trauma, I can't build trust feelings with others or relationships. I'm schizophrenic, with psychosis and dissociation. My parents are abusive and violent. My mother doesn't support me. My father has never wanted me. I am scared that I will die, for the last 3 months I have been vomiting non stop. I cannot walk, cannot eat or drink or even use toiled thanks to kidney issues. I lost 16kg in the past half a year. I tried to kill myself 6 times before this health breakdown and during this year. I have been suicidal and psychotic my whole life. I have been dealing with depression since I was little kid. I want to die so badly, I feel so unloved and ill. But I want to make this last cry for help. They want to put me into closed asylum to not make problems to them anymore.

I have to change something to prove dealing with my health is worth it. To prove I'm not useless and the biggest problem. I don't want to die yet, I want to achieve something before it.

Please help me change this life, give me a reason. If illness will not kill me, I will kill me and Su.

I have never wanted to beg, but I don't have nothing to lose. I will die if not this.

I need warmth so badly.

Just look at the art, please.

I have an art instagram: grzesitza.bastard

Even art process tik tok: whitebasquiat

(I'm not racist, I swear, someone called me this offensively, sorry guys.)

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szipps · 3 years

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Feeling like shit today lul.

I went shopping for clothes but today for the first time I felt extreme anxiety. My parents are, to my knowledge, probably getting a divorce so my mom had my dad buy me clothes for when I go back to school. I don't think I've ever gone shopping alone with my dad so it was awkward. I didn't know where to look for clothes and I didn't have a second opinion like I would if I were with my mom, sisters, or friends. I felt so lost. I'm usually fine in my own skin and how I dress since I know what I want and I'm confortable with it but all the clothes they had just weren't for people like "me". It was all crop tops, flowy dresses, cute thin blouses, etc... The type of clothes you see people on tik tok wearing. Just trendy clothes that in all honesty, just look like a grandmas closet I'm sorry lol.

Anyways, I felt really out of place. None of it looked like something I'd wear and I just felt like a hick wearing my old clothes. My hands were getting so sweaty.

My dad is taller than me too so when we were walking around so I was kind of chasing after him the whole time we were shopping. I honestly hate that he was walking in front of me in the first place. I know he probably didn't think about it and was in a rush because he had some work to do afterwards but it made me feel like a fucking burden and a slug lol.

I felt like shit for being short, not liking any of the clothes, not having any money, and not having anyone to have fun with.

I know what kind of clothes I want to wear of course, I know those clothes aren't what I want to wear at all, I just felt like I wasn't welcome in a way...

Then come the feelings of feeling like I'm unlovable lol.

Of course I know that's not true at all because even the fucking weird kids have dates 💀 but I just feel like I'm so fucking boring and have a shit personality that ill never be able to catch anyone's eye. Also I'm straight and men lowkey terrify me because of crimes against women and just general "boy talk". I hope it easy to figure out what I mean.

I just think that if I was attracted to women I'd have an easier time finding someone to fall in love with, not having to panic because I feel like male culture is completely different than female culture. I don't know if that's true or not but its like were two different species.

My posture is bad, I'm a bit overweight, I don't have good skin, I'm not very friendly, I don't have many interesting hobbies, I'm not really sure what I look like to be honest lol, I'm fucking short, and my "standards" are too high.

I wish I was like my friend. She's really outgoing and has lots of friends. She even asked her boyfriend out first and they've been dating for about 2 or so years now? They're really happy together too.

Now look back to me lol. I freak out whenever I see any attractive boy and act "cool". Cool being uninterested and just acting like normal. Fucking seriously? I just can't imagine anyone legitimately being interested in me because literally no one is. Not even my own fucking friends and family. Feels bad :(

I want to fall in love and date someone cool, funny, and friendly. Hell, he doesn't even have to be even that attractive, I just want to date a good person who I know won't kill or harm me. The bar really is that low, wow.

But at the same time I want to date someone I can be proud off and show off. Fucking embarrassing 🤦 for someone like me to think about.

I really hope I'm completely wrong about the way I see myself but there's something that tells me I'm not. I'm self aware. I know what is proper and what isn't. I'm a damn clown fiesta.

I'm not going to accomplish anything. I won't even get a job and I'm already fucking 17. I don't even have my fucking license. I feel like everyone's leaving me behind. I can't see a future for me and I never have been able to. I don't have any real aspirations and I sure as hell don't want to live in the "real" world. I'm honeslty debating whether I should really kill myself. I'm such a fucking coward lol.

I know this is long already but bear with me lol.

I honestly don't even know if I even want to be friends with my best friend anymore. We've been friends for almost 10 years now and have gone through so much together. Well, I've gone through a lot of what she's gone though. No real pain in my end.

She has a troubled life and I honestly feel really bad once I think about it but most of the time I don't. Shes outgoing, friendly, cool, and basically everything I'm not. I'm not saying I'm jealous of her, I just feel like we're not very connected in most ways. Hell, I'm not really sure why we're friends in the first place. We know eacother really well, yes (thats probably why you're friends, dumbass) but I honestly don't like most of the things she does, which is to say, drugs. Yeah she's a fucking druggie lol. Not really, but she smokes a lot. I wouldn't really mind if she did, but its literally all she does and talks about. I'm not really comfortable nor do I care about drugs.

I hate that she smokes. It fucking stinks and it sticks everywhere. I come home smelling like cigarettes and weed and my mom is very against things like that. I don't think they've smelled it, but it they have, they haven't said anything.

With her smoking comes the realization that she really doesn't give a shit about me. She drags me around to her friends houses so she can get free weed and the like. She drives the car while high, Smokes in the car, all while I'm in the car with her.

Girl, I'm fucking getting second hand smoke over here!!!

Its not like I ever tell her how I feel about it, but its not like I should have to. Normally you don't blow your smoke at people who don't smoke. It's fucking rude.

Honestly, I've been feeling this way for some time, since middle school really.

We just stopped talking and hanging out all through middle school. All our interactions were just sitting together on the bus.

We've been friends since 3rd grade but she always says she didn't have any friends in elementary school. I feel like I wasted my fucking time. I didn't even have many friends but her because the one time I had another close friend, she got really jealous and aggressive towards her. Not that I have any bad feelings towards her then, we were kids, but it just feels like all I did with her then was really nothing at all for her.

I don't ever plan to tell her any bad feelings I feel towards her since I feel like if I did, it be a pretty hurtful think for her. I guess I did it to myself since I never complained and just silent company. I understand shes depressed and is having a really hard time, but it really feels like a waste of time when we hang out since all we do is lay in bed on our phones because she doesn't want to go outside.

I feel like its been long enough now. I've ranted for more than I wanted to lol. My earbuds have run out of battery and I'm in a better mood since I began ranting. My feelings are precious and not something I really want to share, even to the people closest in my life. I know I'm not alone in my feelings since there are way more people in the world than I could ever imagine, and there's bound to be someone who thinks the same way I do. So, I hope whoever reads this gets to be entertained by seeing what goes on in someone else's life or maybe no one will ever read this and I'm just talking to the void, at least ill be getting my feelings straight and sorted somewhere I can look back and laugh.

Goodnight! I hope things get better.

#getting this off my chest #ranting #feelings #feeling like shit #this fucking sucks

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