#Time to do field research

[kindnessoverperfection]

Please, if you can, take a moment to read and share this because I feel like I'm screaming underwater.

NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) stigma is rampant right now, and seems to be getting progressively worse. Everyone is using it as a buzzword in the worst ways possible, spreading misinformation and hatred against a real disorder.

I could go on a long time about how this happened, why it's factually incorrect (and what the disorder actually IS), why it's harmful, and the changes I'd like to see. But to keep this concise, I'll simply link to a few posts under the cut for further reading.

The point of this post is a plea. Please help stop the spread of stigma. Even in mental health communities, even around others with personality disorders, in neurodivergent "safe" spaces, other communities I thought people would be supportive in (e.g. trans support groups, progressive spaces in general), it keeps coming up. So I'm willing to bet that a lot of people on this site need to see this.

Because it's so hard to exist in this world.

My disorder already makes me feel as if I'm worthless and unlovable, like there's something inherently wrong and damaged about me. And it's so much harder to fight that and heal when my daily life consists of:

Laughing and spending time with my friends, doing my utmost best to connect and stay present and focused on them, trying to let my guards down and be real and believe I'm lovable- when suddenly they throw out the word "narcissist" to describe horrible people or someone they hate, or the conversation turns to how evil "people with narcissistic personality disorder" are. (Seriously, you don't know which of your friends might have NPD and feels like shit when you say those things & now knows that you'd hate them if you knew.)

Trying to look up "mental health positivity for people with npd", "mental health positivity cluster bs", only to find a) none of that, and b) more of the same old vile shit that makes me feel terrible about myself.

Having a hard time (which is constant at this point) and trying to look up resources for myself, only to again, find the same stigma. And no resources.

Not having any clue how to help myself, because even the mental health field is spitting so much vitriol at people with DISORDERS (who they're supposed to be helping!) that there's no solid research or therapy programs for people like me.

Losing close friends when they find out, despite us having had a good relationship before, and them KNOWING me and knowing that I'm not like the trending image of pwNPD. Because now they only see me through the lens of stigma and misinformation.

Hearing the same stigma come up literally wherever I go. Clubs. Meetings. Any online space. At the bus stop. At the mall. At a restaurant. At work. Buzzword of the year that everyone loooves loudly throwing around with their friends or over the phone. Feels awesome for me, makes my day so much better/s

I could go on for a long time, but I'm scared no one will read/rb this if it gets too much longer.

So please. Stop using the word "narcissist" as a synonym for "abusive".

Stop bringing up people you hate who you believe to have NPD because of a stigmatizing article full of misinformation whenever someone with actual NPD opens their mouth. (Imagine if people did that with any other disorder! "Hey, I'm autistic." "Oh... my old roommate screamed at me whenever I made noise around him, and didn't understand my needs, which seems like sensory overload and difficulty with social cues. He was definitely autistic. But as long as you're self-aware and always restraining your innate desire to be an abusive asshole, you're okay I guess, maybe." ...See how offensive and ignorant that is?)

Stop preventing healthcare for people with a disorder just because it's trendy to use us as a scapegoat.

If you got this far, thank you for reading, and please share this if you can. Further reading is under the cut.

NPD Criteria, re-written by someone who actually has NPD

Stigma in the DSM

Common perception of the DSM criteria vs how someone may actually experience them (Keep in mind that this is the way I personally experience these symptoms, and that presentation can vary a lot between individuals)

"Idk, the stigma is right though, because I've known a lot of people with NPD who are jerks, so I'm going to continue to support the blockage of treatment for this condition."

(All of these were written by me, because I didn't want to link to other folks' posts without permission, but if you want to add your own links in reblogs or replies please feel free <3)

#actuallynpd #signal boost #actuallyautistic #mental health awareness #narcissistic personality disorder #people also need to realize that mental health professionals aren't immune from bias #(it really shouldn't come as a shock that the mental health field has a longstanding pattern of misunderstanding and mistreating ppl who ar #mentally ill or otherwise ND) #the first therapist i brought up NPD to like. literally pulled out the DSM bc she could barely remember the criteria. then said that there' #no way I have it because I have low self-esteem lmaoooooo #anyway throwback to being at work and chatting with a co-worker. and the conversation turning to mental health. and him saying that #he tries to stay informed and be aware and supportive of mental health conditions & that he doesn't want to be ignorant or spread harmful #misinformation. and then i mentioned that i do a lot of research into mental health stuff and i listed a bunch of things. which included #several personality disorders. one of which was NPD. #and after listening to my whole ass list he zeroed in on the NPD and immediately started talking about how narcissists are abusive and #he knew someone who had NPD and how the person who had it had an addiction and died from the addiction in a horrible way and he #was glad he did #fun times #or when i decided to be vulnerable and talk abt my self-criticism/self-hatred bc i knew my friends also struggled w that and i wanted to #support them by sharing my own coping methods. and they both(separately!) started picking and prodding at my npd through the lens of stigma #bc i'd recently opened up to them abt having it. they recognized self-hatred as a symptom and still jumped on me for it. despite me #trying to share hurt vulnerable parts of myself to help them and connect with them. #again..... fun times

[trivalentlinks]

Let F be a Floer homology theory. For the purposes of this talk, you can assume it's any Floer homology theory you like, and if you don't like any Floer homology theory, then pretend you do like one and assume it's that one

-- a conference speaker

#floer homology #math #maths #mathblr #you really should have at least one Floer homology theory you like!! #i have for a while wanted to do a longpost about floer homology #a very cool concept that shouldn't yield anything but miraculously does #and also about the guy who came up with it (andreas floer) #who was a very interesting guy #he died in 1991 at age 34 which is usually when an academic is only starting to build their influence #and thus didn't have any phd students #and most people in the math community don't seem to have known him personally #(his wikipedia page has a section of quotes about him but they're all about his math #which is pretty much universally agreed to be one of the most striking developments of modern mathematics) #but one time they did a memorial conference a couple years ago in his honour at (uc) berkeley #where they talked about the extremely fruitful field of research he pioneered #they put up posters around campus advertising the conference that happened to have a picture of him #and apparently a bunch of old guys showed up who knew nothing about math #it turned out they were his housemates in the gay commune he used to live in #who were going for a walk around campus and saw a poster with his photo and were like #'wait isn't that our buddy who died twenty-some years ago??' #apparently they knew nothing about math so it was totally incomprehensible to them but they attended the whole conference anyway

[soldier-poet-king]

Now that I have a New and Fancy job title (as of Monday), would it be a complete dick move to add my post grad degrees to my email signature???

Like. It's standard in the field. Everyone I email OUTSIDE of my organization includes them. I probably need help being taken seriously because I am Young Baby Child among mostly older professionals and am talked over in meetings by everyone except the IT guy (bc Ive proven to him I actually know what I'm doing and I'm the only non-IT computer literate person in the building) and one extremely elderly coworker who is my favourite person in the whole world and listens to me when I voice my opinions.

HOWEVER. My boss doesn't use hers in her email signature + I have more advanced degrees than she does. So like. It would look shitty. But I'm concerned abt being taken seriously by outside ppl (I already KNOW I'm not taken seriously by ppl inside the org, but y'know, non profit hell + I am the youngest person in the building by a SIGNIFICANT amount and have chronic baby face syndrome so I'm walking around looking like an animal crossing villager despite early greys and laugh lines)

#franposting #this isnt even a brag. my boss has been working in the field longer than ive been alive #i disagree with her methods at times but this isnt me trying to one up her #i am genuinely just trying to establish myself more widely in the profession and to be taken seriously #as someone with advanced degrees and technical skills as i build up my practical experience #i have pride and ambitions beyond my current job yknow? #which is probably selfish of me #but im GOOD at this work and i want to excel and move on to bigger things #even if my boss has it in her head that im going to be here forever/til she retires in 5 years #like im being groomed to be her successor #and i absolutely. absolutely not. i want to move onto bigger things. #UNFORTUNATELY I AM MAYBE. SECRETLY INCREDIBLY AMBITIOUS ABT RESEARCH AND INFORMATION WORK #also i just. worked hard for those degrees. i want to be proud of myself #since NO ONE ELSE IS PROUD OF ME #dont even get me started on my parents' just. non response. to my accomplishments:/// #IT'S PETTY AND SELFISH I KNOW. BUT I CRAVE PRAISE AND AFFIRMATION. I NEED TO BE TOLD IM DOING A GOOD JOB. IM INSECURE AND A PPL PLEASER

[mihai-florescu]

Procrastinating my actual assignments got me writing poetry for the first time in over a year

#of course not related to the topic i chose for the project #i like doing the research im just scared of what comes after ( #an art project) #ive gotten very scared of...that. i dont feel creative or worthy of even trying to be an artist anymore #i also hated the commercial field #im too much of a loner for the social field #and i dont care enough about myself to pursue autonomous projects #its fine #i just dont know what im gonna do in a year from now #assuming ive graduated on time and everything

[bluehalla]

❁ LYSIUS ❁ GOD OF SPRING, CONSORT OF THE UNDERWORLD

fields of asphodel by @chrysanthemumgames​ / template.

#fields of asphodel if #asphodelgame #c: lysius #my new insufferable blorbo i can't wait to replay this 5 more times #i'm a classics major i couldn't not do this come on!!! #yes i went into my undergrad dionysian research for the name and concept shuTUP!! #thinking specifically of lysius coming from the root luo which is to loosen or release but when you use it to speak about peace #the meaning actually shifts to destruction of the peace haha #he's coming to release you he's coming to destroy you #love u ancient greek u funky language #*edits

[queerlyloud]

Just to be clear, I am greyro and I understand that what is between ART and Murderbot is queerplatonic, I am not sexualizing or romanticizing their relationship, but I just read Network Effect, and THESE ROBOTS ARE LIFE PARTNERS, YOU CAN FIGHT ME

#mine #jo is reading #murderbot diaries #network effect #ART (Asshole Research Transport) my beloved #murderbot #murderbot and ART #these robots are life partners #theyve met two whole times and art was about to destroy an entire planet for murderbot #both of their plans relied on their unique pet names for each other #art met murderbot one (1) time and literally made its identity and their shared time together the key to its salvation #they love each other your honor #get you a life partner who meets you 1 time and learns an entire new field of medicine to do surgery to help you pass as human #get you a life partner who meets you 2 times and is willing to destroy a planet if they dont give you back #get you a life partner who meets you 1 time and decides to avenge you by brutally murdering your murderers before reviving you using- #-the name only you call them #get you a life partner who also hold your hand while watching scary tv shows #and plays the soundtrack from your favorite soap opera when youre updet #and will snip and banter with you but will also apologize and meet you in the middle at the end of the day #god i love them so much #for me it will always always always be the devotion

[pelahnar]

I need this message to sink in for myself and probably other people do too:

The WORST thing that will happen if you apply to a job is that you won't get a response.

That's the absolute WORST. And if don't get a response the reason could range anywhere from "this is an awful resume/cover letter and they have no right to think they could get this job" to "this was a good application and it just missed the cut-off from getting an interview because there were several slightly better."

So dear self: there is no reason not to send in applications - especially to jobs you don't necessarily even want, as practice - just because you don't think your resume and cover letter are perfect yet.

#I had to do the best/worst response thing several times over the last couple years #what's the worst thing that could happen if I email my advisor and say I want to finish my degree after 2 years of no contact? #she'd say no the deadline is past #what's the worst thing that could happen if I reach out to an expert in the field I'm researching and ask for an interview? #she'd say no she didn't have time #and since all other responses were better than that #I convinced myself to do both and both worked out great! #thank you Karina Farek for writing that comic years before I knew drawfee was a thing #it makes it so much easier to try things

[skibasyndrome]

I'm about to throw all my academic values overboard to get this fucking article done

#linguistics are my enemy #not because I don't like the subject #I'm just........ so much less at ease with this than with literary sciene oh my god #I'm so glad I can mostly focus on lit in the future but let me tell you these few linguistics articles I have/had to do have really brought #me to my limit #and I thought I was already fed up and not giving a shit when I did that one article in summer... oh I had NO IDEA how much less of a shit #was capable of giving!!! #the thing is.... I think objectively I'm still? idk not the worst I could technically be doing #like there ARE people who straight up... idk don't even try to have a research question or who don't read more than a handful or articles b #t ugh #I like academic writing so much and I love putting in the work and I love actually getting into the reseach and finding the most important #texts and writing a balanced and well researched article but ugh..... I just feel like I keep reaching my limits with linguistics #and this time is worse than the others because this topic is SO FAR from being standardized and all I can do is ???? mention that there's #like a hundred different models and then just??? choose one and go with it? which is so fucking unsatisfying #but I swear... everybody in this field is just making up a new model that's just different words for the same thing (and not in the /normal #way that science /always/ is about making up a new model. no. this time they are very unnecessarily making up new models) #ugh. everything about this sucks #I should've chosen a different seminar I should've chose a different topic and I especially should've written more of this in summer when I #technically still had a little more time #sorry for blowing up your dash with complaints this festive season lol. I am just having a time (TM) with the different writing tasks on my #hands and I need a place to vent I guess #simon.out. #sounds so drastic btw I'm not about to cheat or plagiarize or anything but I'm about to do so much less of a proper work than I ever wanted #to allow myself to do. cherrypicking and all.

[mona-liar]

Good god I am taking the most depressing seminar this semester it's been an hour since i got out and I still feel empty and on the verge of crying

#It's on the practical use of AI in scientific research and even ignoring the overt enthusiast of the professor for the potentials of AI... #This is how people live? Investing so much time energy and money into reducing their actual work and productivity and individual work #As much as possible? #I refuse to believe actually paid scientists wake up and go to work with this attitude #Why would you use AI do find a research topic? Do you have no knowledge to build up on? #Do you have no curiosity for topics you want to explore? #The sole focus on results in our society instead of the process is so depressing #And the fact that the teacher admitted that currently you'll likely pass every class by using AI but you likely won't excel #And this is what you're okay with? Why would you openly welcome and even encourage this kind of mediocrity #In the one field which supposedly excellence and generating new ideas and creativity #We are never getting out of here #Unfortunately I'll still take the seminar bc the topic in itself is interesting #It's not the what it's the how that's depressing me #I'll just need to find another angle to this to get through the semester

[queerstudiesnatural]

still upset by my therapist strongly implying that autism's biggest telltale is lack of empathy/understanding of others. not only is that factually untrue, but my problem is literally the opposite. i have too much empathy, i notice too much, i feel too much. no i don't have a problem "reading between the lines" or "inferring people's intentions" i never stop reading between the lines and inferring people's intentions. think will graham but without the murders.

#it sucks so much that quote unquote medical professionals actually know fuck all about autism #and a lot of other disorders #my aunt is a therapist and every time she says anything i'm like god i feel bad for her patients #like idk if you're not super invested and passionate about mental health and neurodiversity and reading up on all the new research #then what are you doing working in the mental health and neurodiversity field #those are people's lives you're not helping/making worse by being ignorant #i'm soooo annoyed

[isfjmel-phleg]

I am baffled by requests that are like "I need this specific article and any others on [vague topic]." The specific article--great, I can request that for you. But doing your research for "any others"? That's your job.

#random personal stuff #'this article and any others on X' is a surprisingly common phrasing in the comments field of the request form #and I'm not sure where it comes from #or where this thing of 'I can only be bothered to find one source and you do the rest' comes from either #if you're having trouble we can point you in the right direction #but I can't research for someone else's paper even if I had the time and energy

[kohakhearts]

cons of going to a “good schoolTM”: insane workload, unbearable classmates, next to no support when you have any kind of extenuating circumstances Including literal hospitalization, etc

pros of going to a “good schoolTM”: the 9-5 lifestyle is genuinely a major improvement

#taylor.txt #the extenuating circumstances point was not me btw. i know someone who had his degree delayed an entire year because of two weeks in psych #we’re in a co-op program or else maybe it wouldve just been one semester but. lol #i hate it here…i hate it #but hey…at least i have the world’s shittiest health insurance! #some of my classmates say they dont feel like working full-time is easier than going to school full-time but it so is #for me. anyway. even when i fumbled my time management bad on the field and make no mistake i was incredibly busy plus i chose a field #notorious for Unpaid Overtime and Taking Your Work Home. even then. it was still easier than this #i would never do undergrad again. i loved everything i learned. i took interesting and awesome classes #but i would never ever do it again. miserable overworked spent most of it friendless until i got on the field #i have a friend who keeps being like idk how you did 4 physics classes this sem and im like girl we are education students…thats an average #semester for a physics major. how must THEY feel #also i have to say just you know. generally. ive worked full-time while living with my parents #AND while living alone. and 50 hours a week was incredibly manageable in the former arrangement. i even wrote and edited an entire novel #in the beginning stages of a pandemic while working 50 hours a week of retail and fast food hell. 40 hours full-time with weekends off #while living alone though? thats hard. i still managed to go to the gym almost every day #currently? i cant get out of bed in the morning. i am putting in 12 hour days and then goinng to bed unable to sleep because im so stressed #i have dreams about school. tangentially theres a really good marxist poem i read last year about this phenomenon in workers #ANYWAY. i have just 8 more days 4 exams 1 research paper and video project #i think i can pass and then thats it. my next semester is hell but just because scheduling the actual classes will be easy #and then i get to go back on the field and actually want to wake up every day. lol #and 8 days from now i will have my christmas shopping done and my apartment will be clean and i will be a fanfic writing machine #also my friends and i booked a demolition room so im sure that will be beneficial kfldjfldndks

[oatbugs]

omg i FEEL you about the asd articles... i'm cuttently studying psychology and THIS makes me wanna go and pursue a job in research after graduating :')

yeah !! you should! i study a very interdisciplinary degree and out of all the fields I study in (ML/phil/psych/neuro) psychology has the most inconsistent, outright harmful, sometimes misinformed-at-best info sprinkled into publications and even lectures and it's a genuine source of frustration ! we need def need more researchers committed to accuracy and fairness and eliminating stigmas, biases, etc. :)

#i think one issue is in many other fields once a better theory crops up or old perspectives are somehow refuted it takes far less time #for new publications and teachings within the field to update. like it takes a while but it happens #meanwhile in psych you have articles and lectures franksteined from older positions that have been frankensteined from even older research #which includes several conflicting presuppositions and sometimes even entirely unfounded assumptions etc etc and it does make u wonder how #the fuck stuff like that gets published in the century of our lord y2k onwards. like yeah yeah were going thru a replication crisis and #meta-research wise we have an issue where quite substantial research is not integrated into the field bc their citations metric never #took off etc etc but even given All That i think this is disproportionately an issue which at least partially is due to irresponsibility on #behalf of already established researchers. some things ive seen published in elsevier journals shouldnt have been there. #i shouldn't have seen a clipart photo of an evil puppet master with horns on an academic slide about ASPD in a room full of 100s of ppl #led by our well-established lecturers. smth needs to change fr. #but fr what do i know im just an undergrad idk 🤷‍♀️ it does come w the territory of being a field the existence of which relies on second #or third order extrapolations + interpretations lifted from first order evidence ig? idk #asks #anon #Ψ </3

[faithfromanewperspective]

My name is Ariel. I'm the first ever person to be recognised to have a PDA profile (of autism) without autism. And I've realised recently how much the random stuff I do on here, is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life.

So much of my existence has been spent masking, hiding who I really am. And how could I not? When there is no representation of a neurotype anything like mine. When there is no category for it in people's heads either, and so the way they perceive me--and I see it in the way they communicate with me, in their language and behaviour--tends to be a facet, a side, a view of the real me that never shows the whole picture. It's exhausting, never really being known. Existing in fragments of myself to accommodate for people who genuinely do want to know me, but I don't have the language to explain the extent of who I am to them and as a result, the first thing they see becomes everything, in their mind. After that's happened it's hard to explain how it's always not been the case. How I didn't mean to deceive them. I didn't ask to be this way.

I relate to late-diagnosed autistics in this, the confusion of people around them as they unmask. But they often will say they get to fully be themselves in autistic spaces. I don't experience that relief. I feel the kinship of being neurodivergent, and I share the experience of hyperfixations and overload in the ways they present for me. But it's like communicating with neurotypicals, only different. I don't feel a sense of home. I'm like you in some ways. In other ways, not so much. Just different ways. And it's exhausting living in fragments. But this weird partial dual citizenship has superfinetuned my communication skills. My empathy. My ability to understand brains and experiences which are wildly different--and when I'm taking in all of this information all of the time, feeling all this empathy, shifting gears in my brain for every neurotype of every person I lose myself in the experiences of a little--it gets overwhelming. I get overloaded, yes, from the volume of it, and I wish I could relate to empaths more on these things, that I didn't have to expose myself to problematic takes to try. But I also see patterns and trends. I'm hyperaware of authority structures and power and hierarchies as a PDAer. And so some of these patterns concern me. But who can I debrief what I'm seeing, what I'm exposed to every day I interact with people (and I always am interacting with people) with? No one sees it from the vantage point I do. And it's exhausting to have to explain it.

But a silver lining, I guess, is the sense of purpose it brings. The sense that maybe little by little, I can be a part of putting some of the things I see right. There are many areas I'm passionate about, and I talk a lot about them on this blog. It's good to have the outlet. There are many ways of addressing them that I can see, and imagine playing out from my unique perspective, predict how every stakeholder will interact with them. See whether they work, or it's time to return to the drawing board. I'm a PDAer, I'm a natural problem solver. And every effort I make takes a weight off my chest. I'm processing things and doing what I can for them. I can rest knowing I've done my part. I'm not ignoring the injustice, the elephant in the room or in my vision, the thing that when I'm involved with gives me sensory overload (or the closest thing to it) and I'm so empathetic to the people involved with at all times, I can get overloaded from feeling how it must be for them.

I have to look after myself. Manage my energy. But it's hard, because the accounting formulas we're given don't work for me. Even common profiles of neurodivergence--I'm energised by novelty. By connection. By creativity, not by routine. I need each of the carefully constructed tasks in my routine to regulate me in order to be able to do the next, which will regulate me for the next and so on. It's a hard system to put together. I don't know anyone else who has to do the same. And I know a lot of people.

I think my neurotype only assists me with my biggest form of art, the main thing I want to do with my life. I like to joke that every urban planner/designer who graduated from my high school is a PDAer. I don't have a large sample space for that observation. But I'm usually right. We see the big picture. We care about justice and we're good at finding it among fake claims of it. We're natural problem solvers. We're empathetic artists. We're practical at our core. We hyperfocus. And perhaps most of all, we're communicators.

I've heard the main thing an urban designer is is a communicator. No wonder. I shuffle through information and perspectives like a deck of cards I'm trying to sort by colour, number, and shape. I match up people's opposing perspectives and I unpack their fears in front of me. And then I draw. I write. I compose melodies--anything to get this constant stream of ideas out of me and doing something productive. So of course I'm going to be standing up against power abuses in religion, unpacking every way this infiltrates into our lives and all of its impacts. Of course I'm going to dissect colonialism and present ways we can do better. Face and push through the fear that has us trying to lord over others without realising. Of course I'm going to reach out to anyone even vaguely like me that they might not have to be alone in it. I might not have to be alone in it as well. And of course I'm going to understand them perfectly.

Is it a skill? Sure. Is it a neurotype? Absolutely. It's myself, the 'me' I never understood how to be until I understood everyone else. Is it a disability? It disrupts any ability I have to do anything else I or anyone else might want me to do with my days. It tires me out. It overloads me in ways there aren't really any normalised ways to explain and I can't say no to it when I feel compelled to do something. It impacts my mental health. It limits me. But it's who I am. Why would I want to try to be anything else?

#neurodivergence #pda profile #name reveal i guess #personal mental health tag #silver studies urban design #silver bridges #even things i do like #punk christianity #it all fits in here #this is why I need to press on. keep working on how to be more me around everyone else. be honest. explain if necessary #but overall just stop hiding I guess. i don't need to defend myself. I do need to find people to connect with #also i don't think many people will but if you're like 'you can't have pda without autism' i have been officially recognised by leaders #in the field researching from a neurodivergent affirming perspective. who have told me they thought that til they met me #and so i think it's time to stop doubting myself being like 'not sure i can actually exist like this' i can. i do. and i'm not the only one #at least i don't think. even though we are rare #like does this mean autism criteria are too narrow? maybe. but i'm not the person who makes them what they are. i don't meet them

[viksalos]

in about 5 sessions with my therapist we went from "you can't possibly be autistic because you're not like the nonverbal high support needs teenage boys i worked with in the early 2000s," to me digging up my childhood psychological records from the early 2000s and convincing her, to her presenting my case to her supervisor and her supervisor being like "yeah you had an undiagnosed autistic client on your hands and she needs to be transferred to someone qualified to handle that" lmao

#text #only reason i stuck with her after figuring it out is bc my psychiatrist works at the same practice and he *is* qualified lol #that said i don't think she was being malicious abt this. like i would be more angry at her if she *still* refused to believe me #after all the evidence i dug up #only thing she's guilty of is not keeping up with the research in this particular subfield of her field #which; in fairness; is no longer her specialty #aughhhh i'm gonna have to do so much processing about how the '''''g1fted''''' label shot me in the foot so many times tho #with so many professionals who insisted i couldn't possibly be having any associated difficulties bc of it #(not to mention the societal narrative that ex-''g1fted'' kids are just privileged (fair) and whining about fake problems (not fair)) #and set me up for so much systemic abuse that i can't even be mad at a single person for bc they all thought they were doing their best #but the good news is i can process that with New Therapist lol!

[vote2]

switch to history major yes/no

#cons: spent money on bio stuff already so thats a waste -_- uhm sunk cost fallacy. uhm idk ill teach hs history or work in #an office i just cannot do stem im sorry i was made to write non-research essays and present stuff. sigh #evil stem students etc like. whatever im stressed its week four. i should kms #just like. i love bio but only the bio classws not like physics and chem and calc etc. i have to take ochem in a year or so. idk what #dipoles are or how to read a lewis chart #so like im passionate abt the subject but only the surface level stuff yknow now mechanisms beyond that. genetics was hell evil course #and i dont want an environmental science degree cause then youre locked into mostly consulting or gis stuff which #no way. augh let me teach hs historyand then get a phd in some hyper specifically field and then get some tenor job in fourty years idk #like i do think history is an easy subject literature too. to me like the same way i never needed to study ecology cause #you dont actually learn anything yiu just know facts and concepts not like equations. like fake learning. #augh whateverrr i will simply rot i dont think id be able to finish this degree between working and taking more than 12 hours a semester #like. its a lot -_- i feel bad complanjng cause my dad graduated taking twenty hours and working over full time 😭 but also #it was like thr 90s so not much else to do if #ig*. #el oh el whateverrrr ill figure it iut mwah. for rn i gotta finish my chem hw then shower