#What do I do when the fire goes out

[the-wannabe-philosopher]

Honestly I love gang of youths songs because they're all always "sad dead man convinces his boyfriend not to jump off a roof" "struggling with my faith" "is there any point to loving" and the rest of them are just *three songs just being violin transitions to other, more dramatic songs with the same base melody* and every song is either instrumental or has extremely eloquent lyrics and I just love goddamn Gang of Youths songs.

#Gang of youths #achilles come down #What do I do when the fire goes out #The angel of 8th Ave #Atlas drowned #L'imaginaire #Let me down easy #La reél #La Symbolique

[luck-of-the-drawings]

FOR A BEAT OF HEART, THE BREATH IS SHOT. AND WITHIN A BREATH, THE HEART IS CAUGHT. THE PIPES ARE BURSTING, UNDER GREAT STRESS, BOLTS TORN ASUNDER, MAKING A MESS. A FINAL COUGH, A FINAL RETCH, A GOREY SLOUGH, CLAIMED BY WRETCH.

#cw gore #jrwi riptide #jrwi riptide spoilers #chip jrwi #jrwi fanart #jrwi show #I LLOOOVE POETRYYY I LOVE MAKING WORDS RHYME IN STRANGE WAYS AND DESCRIBING VISCERA AND VIOLENCE OR WAHTEVER. YKNOW WHAT ELSE I LOVE #CHHHIIIIIIIBBOOOOO MY BEAUTIFUL MAAANN WWHAT. WHAT HAPPENED. OH MY GOD. IVE BEEN SAYING FOREVER. I NEEED CHIP TO GET SCARIER. #HE HAS THE POTENTIAL! I KNOW HE DOES! HAUNTED BOY WITH THE HAUNTED EYES WHAT TRAUMAS HAVE YOU SEEN? AND WERE THEY YOUR FAULT? THINK ABOUT I #EVERY FAMILY HAS CRUMBLED AROUND HIM. HIS BIRTH FAMILY CRUMBLED BEFORE HE KNEW IT. HIS SECOND FAMILY DROWNED. THIRD BURNED TO THE GROUND #AND SHALL THIS NEXT FAMILY JOIN THEM? CHIIIIP YOU UNFORTUNATE BOY YOU HAVE WITNESSED SO MUCH CALAMITY #YOU ARE CALAMITY BOYYY AHAHAHAHA DONT YOU SEEE!! ZOMBIFIED AND DEAD. TRUELY MORE HAUNTED THAN EVER BEFORE. THIS WILL BE FUN #THE FIRE HURTS WHEN IT BURNS TOO LONG. BUT NOW YOUR NERVES ARE DEAD AND YOUR MIND IS FREE. BURN THIS CORPSE AS YOU WISH TO GET WHAT YOU WAN #CHIP IS NOT THE FIRE HE IS THE MATCH. I LOVE THAT IDEA SO MUCH IM SO PROUD OF IT. OHHH AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE CORRUPTION #bizly mentioned that chip wants to be a good captain. in his most corrupted state however. he would be the BEST captain.. #thAT DOESNT MEAn hes gonna just suddenly be all controlling. the BEST captain keeps his crew safe. keeps them together. keeps them alive. #and chip is doing just that! he doesnt need to stop being a good captain just bc of the corruption! he just needs to be the BEST CAPTAIN #AND THATS SUBJECTIVE BABY!! im so excited to see where chips zombie arc goes. neeeed him to get scarier and just a little more fucked up. #neEED HIM TO PERFORM ABHORANT ACTIONS THAT HAVE JAY N GILL GOING ' dude woah what the fuck...' #RIGHT I SHOULD TALK ABT MY ART TOO. this one took TOO LONGGGstarted out witha sketch how did it end up like this... #the heart and the blood KILLED ME. LOOK AT MY RENDERING LIKE HWAAATT #better not see any more mistakes after i post this.... i cant fight withit anymore....STILL RLY PROUD THO.. #I WAnted to make it visually LOOK like the grossest vomiting sound possible #i want it to make your throat feel uncomfortable. am i achieving that? i hope i am. thats tubes dude!!! like cmahn!

[bonesbuckleup]

Hey, so, on a scale of 2 minutes to 3 full hours, how long do we think Tim read Bruce the riot act when he found out Bruce fired Dick from being Robin?

#Tim Drake #Dick Grayson #Bruce Wayne #Batfam #I apologize if it's somewhere in a comic if it is I haven't seen it #But I can't imagine Tim Drake #President and Founder and Sole Member of the Dick Grayson & Flying Grayson Fan Club #took it very well when he found out Bruce f i r e d him #WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T QUIT Tim says #OH YEAH I TOTALLY GOT FIRED says Dick #and he goes onto explain it was for the best in the long run probably #but Tim doesn't hear any of that over the Kill Bill sirens in his head #DC #Batman

[steakout-05]

ok as an artist i personally find traditional painting to be. really really annoying. like. i do not have the patience for it and i just find it to be really frustrating to set up and actually do and i end up not liking the results. i find that there's little room for mistakes and trying to fix them usually ends up with me making 50 other ones, paints can be so inconsistent and having to rely on availability and certain brands to continue making the paint is really inconvenient, not to mention expensive. spending a bunch of time trying to mix the right shade of paint, only for it to go down a completely different shade of colour and not being able to do anything about it is so frustrating as someone who likes consistency and having things just, y'know, not change colour as soon as it dries. plus, they all use different chemicals and can go off really easily or change textures and i am just not ok with having all my materials having an expiration date like food. lead and graphite pencils just don't do that and they can last for years, they're more reliable. every paint is drastically different and trying to find the right one is not only time consuming but, again, expensive, and i don't even see the point in experimenting when most of my materials end up not even getting used if i don't like using them. plus, i'm just.... really impatient. waiting for paint to dry sucks and is why i much prefer digital or just drawing something because i don't need to wait for anything, it just works. and then when i do want to take my time and work slowly for a better result, it dries too fast. it's kinda hellish trying to balance that time, especially considering how inconsistent paints are.

i like to use guidelines when doing art and i find painting straight onto a canvas to be really tricky because there's a lack of direction for me to actually paint. i'm at a complete loss at what to do when i pick up a brush because i can't map it out first without risking screwing up the paint. there's just so many things to keep track of and so much wet paint to avoid and i just do not have the mind for it. putting colours on a canvas and praying that it works just isn't it for me and requires a discipline that i just don't wanna involve myself with. painting is also just like... really exhausting and kinda painful. i got some pretty bad back issues and my arms tire and get sore easily and quickly when i'm standing in front of a canvas. it's a really physical activity for me and i just don't find something to be very fun to do at all when it's physically hurting me. i know drawing on a canvas has this issue too, which is why i prefer sketchbooks. sitting down and drawing something that doesn't break my entire spine every time i do it is much more preferrable than questioning if i should go to the doctor every time i make a brushstroke, lol

that's not to say that there's nothing i like about painting though! i can paint simple little things, and i like doing that. i like mixing colours with a palette knife and i find it fun and even a little relaxing. i painted some cute little chibi cardboard cutouts of the mario brothers one time and i found that to be really fun and i think i'd like to do that again! but apart from that, i just do not have the patience for it. i love the look of traditional paintings and i find many to be really beautiful, but i could never get into actually doing it myself because i hate the process. i'm content with just sketching and doing digital stuff because that's more fun to me and less stressful of a process to do. it's fun, it allows for more mistakes, it's easier to build up layers of shading and lines, not to mention using building up a figure with guidelines is super helpful with visualising what i want it to look like, and i can just erase something if i don't want it there or want to change something. it just makes sense to me.

tl;dr i dont like painting because it's inconsistent, expensive, time-consuming, directionless, frustrating and it makes my back hurt really bad. i'll just stick to drawing stuff :)

#vent #artist vent #i hate painting #i hate it so much and i just cannot understand it nor do i have the patience for it #i seriously had a crack at it and i just find it to be so annoying #there's so much preparation and i'd much prefer just whipping out a pencil and eraser and scribbling something down #to be fair though i do enjoy other art mediums that require more preparation #i find crafts to be fun and i really like working with air dry clay #using clay is just creating a little creature and i really quite like it a lot #making little cardboard guys is fun if not a bit tricky sometimes because my hands are so big compared to the tiny bits of carboard im usin #but it's very fun and cardboard is easy to get #clay is not so easy to get but you can get a lot of it and make many things with it #the only things i really dont like about clay is fingerprints and the fear of having your art literally explode when you fire it up #but other than that? fun! #painting? not fun! #paint is so messy and i don't like having goopy stuff getting stuck on me and all over my fingers all the time funnily enough #if i bump into something (which is very likely for me because i am clumsy) then oouuguh there goes all the paint its everywhere now #oh my god you know what i hate the most. i hate oil paints. i hate them so much. #the smell gives me bad headaches and makes me feel faint and it's hard to clean and dispose of and it's just more chemicals to deal with #it's just acrylic but more annoying #i don't think it's edible either which is. frustrating #it's also harder to clean out if you get stained with it (which is very likely because paint is messy) #i just dislike oil materials in general. they smell weird and they do not wash off. i still have oil pastel stains on one of my favourite- #-shirts despite the fact that it has been washed multiple times. and it took several days and so much fucking scrubbing to get- #-it out of my nails and off my hands completely. actual hellscape. #i know graphite and lead pencils would never betray me like this #pencils are so reliable and i love them <3 #pencils and drawing equipment in general are just more reliable and don't expire or develop inconsistent textures (except erasers for some- #-reason) and they don't! hurt! my! back! #like i'm over here needing to do the riker maneuver to sit down after i paint my back hurts so bad

[vounoura]

ok DD2 enjoyers spoil me one thing. is 'physically force a griffon to the ground with nothing but you and your pawns' combined body weight' still a strat.

#saint.txt #idk why that particular strat stuck out to me in DD1 there are so many cooler monster fights #(probably bc it's when it really occurred to me that CC actually affected what I was physically capable of) #but for some reason my heart goes :EYES: whenever I remember it. I could never do it bc my arisen was sad wet underweight cat but #fire was the obvious and easiest ways but hanging onto BIG BIRD and MAKING it drop to the ground is so much cooler

[stereax]

woohoo spiraling out of control right now (what else is new really I've been fucked up and spiraling for weeks now) and trying to figure out reasons not to delete my tumblr and discord and myself along the way

but you know. talking about myself on my blog automatically means I'm attention seeking and fishing for pity right? should just shut up and stick to the news eh, it's all I'm good for :D

anyway if you need me I'll be in the corner reliving the past, coming to terms with reality, and trying to convince myself I'm not the problem despite every indication to the contrary ✌︎︎

#sterechats :) #09:58 pm - this is a bad idea but scheduling it anyway #what's the worst that can happen really? everyone leaves again? nobody talks to me again? #probably gonna delete this in the morning so. meh. not like it matters not like I matter :D #10:29 pm - wow it feels like my head is on fire #like my brain is actually burning and I can't do a damn thing about it #I should be happy right now! the devils are winning! my favorite guys are scoring! #but no! I'm barely keeping it together around my family and praying I don't wake up tomorrow <3 #11:00 pm - I need to get out of here #I need to get out of here out of here out of here I can't stay here any more this is killing me #everyone hates me and I need to chew my arms open maybe then everything will make sense #why am I even writing these tags what does it matter #I was so much more in control of myself when I was sh-ing #maybe I should get back to that maybe it'll help I don't know anymore #I just want my friends back but they hate me hahahaha #11:24 pm - wonder how many people are gonna block me after this one #how many people will finally be fed up and leave for good #everyone leaves and I should be used to this by now #here's a truck stop instead of saint peter's (yeah yeah yeah yeah) #11:41 pm - it's friday afternoon/there goes antigone to be buried alive #in the next world I want to be something useful/like a staple gun/or in love #I would fall off a cliff for you/a thousand times and call it a good day #maybe I'm just incapable of being human! maybe that's it! #maybe I'm not even human at all... but something worse instead... #1:22 am - moving the posting of this back from 3 to 6 am #not that that matters and not that I matter but I don't think I'll sleep #and I don't want this to post when I'm awake #I know I'm just going to get unfollowed and blocked and left behind as always #because happiness and good things and friendships just aren't things I get to have really #I just wish people would stop lying and telling me they're different and they'll stay when they're not different and won't stay

[perenlop]

absolutely insane how one of the only examples of “weight gain as positive character development” ive seen in childrens media especially is in fucking warrior cats

#when ravenpaw is first seen in fire and ice it’s immediately pointed out that he’s ‘’plump’’ and looks more polished and alive #compared to how he’s skinny anxious and isolated in thunderclan #i like ravenpaw tbh i really like what they do with him. #its telling how he literally misses no one in thunderclan except fireheart and graystripe. ik they dont have parents in this arc #but wow he makes no mention of family or anything and it could just be flunky writing #but it goes to show how deeply he was isolated by tigerclaw and how no one liked him there #and hes immediately doing better in a new environment where hes not abused #but hes not over it immediately he gets anxious when tigerclaw is mentioned and hes clearly got healing to do #echoed voice

[bl00dw1tch]

Ive been having lots of talks lately with my mom abt politics n the state of the world, Good conversations to be sure, and theyre great bc we both make good points and can compare different experiences and all -- but good God the fact that she's still seems to have. More subconscious faith in the moral integrities of the nebulous concept of a government or corporation More than she has faith in the the moral integrity of the nebulous concept of our societal peers. She talks about it like the Second a group like that is founded, its set of ethics just Miraculously appears out from the ether + just happens to Always be morally sound by default. I cant seem to find a way to word things that with like... idk. Help it Click that those corporations are still run by People and are therefore just as fallible 💀 technically More so but she's convinced capitalism is Never going to go away so she doesn't care about the whole "company's and governments in power, as they exist today, Have A Monetary Incentive To Lie To Us As Much As They Can" thing cuz shes such a damn pessimist and assumes All people have been doing that Forever 💀💀💀 SIGH it's nbd i just needed to put it in words bc its been on my mind on and off

#horse.txt #vent // #not extremely sad just like. huffy. #i love my mom to pieces but. man. we all have our issues ig 😔 it would just be nice if she wouldn't talk to me about how #the world is only every going to get worse within my lifetime #with a shrug and a laugh like 'what can ya do?' like ma. to your own adult child's face? when im already clearly upset with the state of #the world? not when im trying to talk about the kind of changes that other people are proposing we make to our overall society? #she gets so bitchy at me for always complaining but never Doing anything to change the world #but then She complains and agrees with me?? and then ALSO denounces all the Suggestions i tell her abt bc 'oh that would never work lol' #and then when i ask her 'ok well what would You do?' and she go well i think we need to get rid of credit cards and the debt system we have #and im like ok sick!!! keep going!!! #and then she goes OH but we cant get Rid of the debt system Completely bc people still need to borrow from lenders to get houses n cars #and im just. MA #shes been stuck on this metaphor of America being 'a house' #and she says all the ideas of overthrowing the government and replacing it with Anything else would be 'burning it down' #and that if America is already On fire then we should just put it out and try to rebuild it #like 1.) America is not a House it is a Cult. America is a group of people on an area of land. not a fucking House. #2.) THERE ARE PEOPLE RUNNING AROUND THE CULTHOUSE WITH FLAMETHROWERS AND GUNS TO SCARE AWAY AND/OR KILL ANYONE WHO TRIES TO PUT IT OUT. #ITS GOING TO BURN DOWN ANYWAY

[odinsblog]

So I was stuck in traffic today and I decided to give my cuz’n a call ….

#her 2yr old son answered the phone - exasperated #he just kept saying ‘where are you?’ #and my cuz took the phone and said ‘your ears must have been on fire’ #and im just asking is everything ok? whats going on? and thats when she tells me #a story that got me so choked up i had to pull over: #so it turns out she was out grocery shopping with her son and he insisted on carrying her reusable grocery bag #but he is only 2 and the bag is almost bigger than him and its completely full #but he insists - so my cuz sits the bag down and lets him try thinking he will give up when he sees its too heavy #and he was trying and trying but the bag hardly moved and when his mom offered to take some items out he got upset #saying he could do it. so hes on the verge of a meltdown bc the bag isnt really moving that much #and she said he just sat there next to the bag and she is watching his little mind trying to problem solve it #and all of a sudden he goes - ‘uncle odin help me!’ #and my cuzn tells him im not there but he just gets louder and louder calling for me to come and help him 😢 #and out of desperation she gave him her phone to pacify him - and right at that moment was when i happened to call #and as im pulled over on the side of the road and she is telling me all this i can hear him asking where am i and how long until im there #and there i was stuck on the i-4 interchange about an hour away wishing i had a flying car or sum #but i was able to calm him down and told him to let his mom carry it *this* time #and next time i would try to be there to help him #i felt so honored that *eye* was the 1st thought he had for help #i dont see them that often - maybe once every other week or so? #anyway ….. dont let anyone tell u that men dont have biological clocks too #bc its been a long time since i felt such an intense urge to be a baby daddy #gotta hurry up and find mrs right now tho - im 2 yrs away from 40 #if i wait too much longer ​any games of catch gon be played in a nursing home - lol

[dykeyleth]

thinking abt the scene in the lava forever and ever

#it seriously is not even through shipping goggles i am so lenient when it comes to cr ships. i don't care 90% of the time. #but mannnnnnnn the week of ppl being like who's gonna get the fire titan spark thingy and then BOTH of them pulling it out. #the lava calming down completely the ''you were both meant to be here'' it was just soooooosososo good. huge fan. #i think i just really love ashton + fearne's relationship bc neither of them care but they do. they care way too much. #and they're sooooo bad at showing it. #ashton. goes without saying but fearne... i think abt ''can you come back because i'm getting a little scared'' every day of my life. #she's so carefree until she isn't. you know what i mean. she doesn't really know how to handle loss or grief or fear #+ her jumping in to save ashton is that same thing. haha let's steal from each other -> i would jump into lava to save you. #bh spoilers

[badwolf109]

My apartment building’s fire alarm just went off in the second most annoying way.

Most annoying: obviously, fully going off. Needing to shove the cats in carriers and lug them down five flights of stairs.

Second most annoying: when it’s 3AM and you’re almost finally asleep and the fire alarm just. Starts chirping. Once every thirty seconds. Just infrequently enough to make you wonder if you dreamed it, but frequently enough to make sure you know you didn’t.

And then it stopped after maybe two minutes.

Which means the current state of my apartment is: cats annoyed, because I put them in crates and made them sit there for 15 minutes while I convinced myself the fire alarm wouldn’t go off properly; me with my adrenaline coursing, because hearing the fucking fire alarm will do that to a girl; the bedroom door closed, just in case the fire alarm goes off properly and because I still haven’t found a good way to keep the cats out from under the bed and it’s a nightmare to retrieve them.

Guess I’m sleeping on the couch tonight. IF I sleep.

#to be clear #it was the full building fire alarm that was squawking #not the little smoke detector #I’m familiar with what it sounds like #because I’ve had to run outside with my cats in the middle of the night like. four times. #also all of this has led me to discover a fun new anxiety/stress/adrenaline symptom #that I ONLY get when the stupid fire alarm goes off #my lungs get right and my throat gets raw #I’m not hyperventilating #and other times I just figured I’m out of shape and my lungs hurt from carrying 25 pounds of cat down 5 flights of stairs #but I didn’t do that this time and still have the weird lung thinf #I stg my body is giving me fake smoke inhalation symptoms #because it’s anxious #like #motherfucker #that is not helpful #personal #rant #i’m so tired

[fayevalcntine]

I don't actually want or need Lestat to do ANOTHER interview when season 3 comes around because after season 2 it'll become a tired format and the whole point about him writing his book within the saga is that he mostly wanted to tell HIS story. Is he full of bullshit at times? Yes but he's also pretty blatant about the stuff that happened and what he thought. And in a 600-page book we get like 4 pages' worth of information on his life with Louis and Claudia, and all he had to say about it was that Louis lied, but he doesn't specify which lies they were or even how many because he didn't really care about it by the end, because the facts that Louis was honest about were the important things to him. That they led a life together with Claudia and lived with each other for around 60 years.

There's also a much easier way to "challenge" his narration from the books by simply having the show establish itself with more than one main character and even establish what it will do with said characters. I honestly don't see the point in having Lestat be "challenged" by some other reporter or investigator, even if it's Jessie, because his reasons for telling his side aren't even remotely the same as the possible reasons why Louis seems to be doing his own interview with Daniel and frankly, if you need Lestat to be humbled, there's at least 50 different ways in which that could happen within the show without having to sit through another interview.

#interview with the vampire #lestat de lioncourt #'personally I think Jessie should -' i literally couldn't care less because we do not need 4 seasons' worth of interviews #and if you want him to 'get' better you really think a mortal calling him out is gonna make him better?? #anyway I'm not against Jessie as a character I just don't think we need another interview #and I doubt we'll even get the same format considering what one of the producers of the show has said #also the thing that gets me about these 'well someone needs to call him out' points is that in his own book he accepts why Claudia #wanted to murder him? he even goes on to say 'I damned Louis the same way I damned Claudia when I turned them' #Lestat is already framed for Claudia's murder by this point; he doesn't technically need to be called out for things he did #because they're already known #anyway maybe if y'all clamored less for another reporter calling him out and more for Louis #setting him on fire every time he was being annoying I'd consider your suggestions valid

[alphalesbian]

.

#its like every now and again i am brought down by a terrible loneliness and am forced to remind myself i have in fact more or less #been alone in some sense of the word for more than a few years now theres been such incredible lengths of my lived adulthood where ive #been to deal with everything on my plate entirely by myself for the most part. not to say that i have been like Alone ive kept busy and all #but sometimes i have to remind myself its been years and years since ive had what i would call even some kind of community. and its a #necessary pain to reflect that That is probably why routinely i am completely leveled by some loneliness. this goes of course without sayin #a lot of this is circumstance why i would maybe end up so alone but the reality is im often the only one who gets me im often the only ear #can open up to im often the only one there to catch myself slipping the only one there to take care of myself when im hurting or sick or #tired. and its not that i dont ask for help. something something circumstance where i dont get it from other people #hardly a thing worth stopping myself over but the moments where i have to pick myself up by my own bootstraps for the nth time completely i #the dark by myself its hard not to feel small. looked past. even though im really doing quite okay all things considered. still quite #unfortunately alone and equally isolated and drained of any energy to change this or get out and find community (if i had the space and #the time and the money of course dont forget about the money) #and at the deepest reaches of this feeling i can only see cosmically that this is what im supposed to be doing. to some strange effect that #I Am at least on the right path as tucked away small and hidden and invisible as this may make me feel. bc its never a hard contrast to mak #that if i did have the ability to truly embrace and make a change in that regard would i? would i do it right? could i keep it? where would #that take me? and of course the answer is in this state id just fumble it. and be right back here #when do i get to have that fire in my hands unequivocally where i may finally furiously rid myself of this isolation this loneliness either #forever or long enough to make the change from this lack of connection and community i truly have?

[nazumichi]

you know you’re screwed when you like a fictional guy and write him making soup :/

#raii talks a lot #“your experiences are not universal” they are weird however and finding them weird IS universal #reading through this oneshot and shaking my head like “he didn’t even turn down theheat so the contents of the bottom don’t burn 🙄” #start using the spoon you idiot things are stickingggg #i feel like he’d try to get into making food because 1. there’s currently a child in his care and child need to eat APPARENTLY and 2. #if he isn’t being useful and helping he will die that’s just how he is…. so I feel like there was a compromise like #“sure wolfy you can do it. as long as I pick out what you’re doing and help you when needed” see that last part was important because he #wouldnt ask for help for shit…… the fire alarm still goes off in the end though it’s still bad and cheesy on my part #kind of in the vein of my roommates au. shutting up now that’s a lot of tags but. it’s roommates au

[oh-gh0st]

#ghosts rambles #rambling before i go back to do stuff #i have thought of an atsutodo scene in my brain for the fanon s4 with shinrei........... #it wont leave my brain so ill dump it here rq #shinrei asks todo if he knows anyone who could help with her financing and business department since the prev manager of it got fired #and he's like “well i do know someone *in the middle of texting atsushi ab it* i doubt he'll answer back tho” and he immediately does #and he replies “yeah i can help. what's a good day to meet up for this” and todo's like “this cant be happening........” #so they set up a date blah blaaahh day comes and they start working stuff out at the same cafe the choro incident took place at #and todo is like. internally monologuing this whole thing (he's sitting next to atsushi while shinrei is across from them if that helps) #and when todo asks shinrei if they wanna take a break to get refills she says sure and goes with him and shes like...... #“ok drop the act i Know u like this guy” and it's all a mess from there #hes like “no i dont. wdym. ur crazy haha! ^-^” but he's quickly folding and its so obvious. like yeah okay #and he cant stop thinking about that possibility for the rest of the cafe date and he's like “well fuck maybe i do... but that's weird!!... #that's all i have. maybe atsushi asks him something super gay but idk. i have to go do things now baaaiiii

[mildswearingat4am]

I’m cleaning out my closet and got completely sidetracked by a stack of my old journals. Because like --

I like journals.

As a kid, I liked having something on hand I could pull out in school to doodle and goof off without looking like it. What are they gonna do, get mad I’m writing in a notebook?

Now, I like the idea of having an older version of me preserved in pages so I can see how much I’ve changed and how much has stayed the same. How excited I got over my first experience with something that’s now routine. Wincing at how totally oblivious I was during a Clearly Very Bad mental health situation. Past hopes, past dreams, past music tastes, you know? Sometimes I put a nice leaf in the pages from past autumn.

At the same time, just because I want the record to exist doesn’t mean I want it to be here. In my closet. Taking up space and gathering dust. When something happens my first instinct isn’t to hunt around for a pen and paper, because that feels like a chore. Why do I have to record myself for future dissection? Can’t I just have experiences and accept the me I am now is fleeting?

But I also know how easy it is to rewrite a past you have no record of. Saying oh, it’s always been this way, when in fact you’re getting Bad again. I don’t want kid me to disappear, just like I don’t want to disappear someday when older me can only vaguely recall the mundane stress the 2020s.

But do I want to undertake the arduous ordeal of preserving me? Now? Today? Carrying the past to every new apartment and house and turning it into a personal history museum?

So basically my closet’s still gross and now I’m having an existential crisis

#babbling moth #actually writing this out has been helpful bc i think i will burn my journals #i don't think i really want them in my life yknow? i'm just worried someday i WILL want them #plus. sometimes journalling is just to get stuff out of your head and u have no desire to reread it #best thing to do with that bullshit is a ceremonial cleansing with fire #tbh i think i was being influenced by the whole. oh look at this historical figure's journals!! look at this grocery list from 1800! #yknow the idea that all old stuff is vitally important to preserve bc someday ppl need to know how we lived!!! #when archiving as a profession is very much. only keep a little. gotta throw away a lot bc there is SO much crap from the past #we literally cannot preserve everything. not enough space money manpower etc etc etc #even digitizing is limited bc digital storage space isn't free and also hardware goes out of date and stuff #and you need a plan for it!! paper decays and file formats get obsolete and you need to be actively preserving not just passively saving #(this is based on what archivist family members ansd classmates have told me btw im not personally an expert) #(i just think it's interesting) #anyway time to plan a bonfire