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thattimdrakeguy · 3 years

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Okey! Some Autistic Timmy thoughts, coming right up! (Most of these are self projection lol😅)

1. HATES chalk. Like really, really hates it. The texture is the WORST it gets on his hands and he HATES it so so so much. He touches chalk and immediately has the urge to rip his skin off. The first time he touched chalk as a toddler he actually started crying.

2. Needless to say, his life is pretty unstructured. This doesn't really bother him, HOWEVER, if his "suiting up in the cave" routine is interrupted it WILL mess up his entire day. If he's suiting up at home or anywhere else it's fine, but for some reason he's particular about the cave routine. Luckily Bruce is also a very routine oriented person so it's not a big deal, but when someone else is in charge and it changes it bothers him. He can still function perfectly well, he just gets more anxious than usual.

3. Kraft mac n cheese is his comfort food. He measures out the ingredients exactly so it will taste the same every time.

4. Watched a documentary about ocean creatures when he was 8 and memorized the whole thing. Can and will tell you the creepiest and most disturbing facts from it if prompted to.

5. Rocks in his chair when he's sitting and thinking, to the point where the floor around his desk has scratch marks. He's fallen over and bonked his head many times and it drives Alfred insane.

6. This one is actually supported by canon to an extent but I think he really likes labelling things with the Robin symbol. It's fun and easy to draw and it gives him a little serotonin boost every time he see's one of his things labeled like that. Bruce noticed it and always makes sure to label all of Tim's new gear before he gives it to him. To make things easier to distinguish, of course. Because it would definitely be so easy to mistake the primary colored xx small clothes and gadgets for belonging to anybody else.

Sorry, not all of these are directly related to autism I guess. I just put things that I see commonly in myself and other autistic people that I thought he might also do. Love your blog btw!

I honestly really love these to be honest, cause I can really easily picture Tim doing all of these kinds of stuff. Like it fits in amazingly well with his personality. I mean I don’t know about the chalk and Mac and Cheese, but that’s purely because I don’t think you could tell that from a personality, but you can get what I mean lol. It’s all great.

I actually had the Robin one myself too, at least kind of. Maybe not a label specifically on everything, but I can picture him just having a Robin symbol of everything that’s his rather it was bought that way like the symbol on his shirt or a backpack, to the labels and tags on other things because Robin just means so much to him.

Now it’s got me imagining it on LITERALLY everything, like Dick, Cass, Babs maybe even, and Timmy himself all having a sleepover party in the living room or cave or something, and someone nearly grabs Tim’s pillow and blanket and he gets jumpy like “Hey, no, that ones mine!”, which isn’t even tellable at first because this ones just his plain pillow and blanket, not his merch one. But he yoinks it out of their hand and shows them a personally made label in the form of a little tiny tag on them both.

If you put out all of the Batkids stuff in front of you (I’m imagining like all neat and folded and each person’s stuff is in their own little group next to the other people’s stuff’s also grouped), it’d be so obviously Tim’s (I mean besides no one else being able to fit into his tiny tiny clothes). Like “Okay, Robin flashlight, Robin lunchbox, Robin jammies, Robin blanket, Robin socks, Robin shirt, Robin labeled short pants, Robin cap, Robin band-aids, Robin sweater, Robin jacket, Robin briefs, Robin wrist watch, Robin nightlight, Robin label on the grappling hook, Robin label in the boots and as a shape on the sole, Robin toothbrush, Robin hairbrush, Robin--okay hmm. Who’s is this?”

Not that he wears all of it at once, but just having the option makes him unreasonably happy, and he can’t even really explain it to a Dick or Cass who may ask, but it just does.

Dick sarcastically asks him: “Was the Robin identity and costume not enough?”

When there’s a mess somewhere, you can always tells what’s Tim’s to be able to give it to him.

I also really like the one about his routine cause it feels like that thing that would just nag at Tim and he can’t really explain it. Like everything's going well, he has everything, but the school changes the schedules for everyone and Tim’s just uncomfortable for the rest of the day. He just doesn’t like it.

Ends up making him do these little checks to make sure he has all of his gadgets too, and Bruce could’ve sworn he checked like twice already on everything, but Tim just has to do it or else he’ll be upset for the rest of his night.

Same with Y.J. when he goes to Mount Justice he also had to do these routines and Bart and Kon catch on and try to mess it up sometimes when they’re feeling extra pranky, but I figure either Cassie or maybe even Slobo of all people figures out why Tim always seems perpetually grumpy or upset at them afterwards, so they eventually knock it off. Included with an apology even if it does sound half-assed at first.

Like I could go all day with the little visions popping in my head with the headcanons, but I really like it.

Oh! And thank you for enjoying my blog! That's amazing of you.

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againstthegrainphoto · 7 years

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ok. I’m going to write this novel. it’s going to be so long that I’m actually using the website....not my phone. because keyboard. Here we go:

Ghost. Oakland, CA. 7/5/17.

So my friend Sarah and I went to see ghost and iron maiden in Oakland. If you don’t give two shits about my san francisco adventures and just want to read about ghost....skip down. It was a bit of a hot mess of a trip. I had to work monday, So I worked my 8 hours and then left to pick her up. Because both of us are night people and night driving is WAY better than day driving. traffic in seattle was a complete nightmare starting out. there was a huge accident at the west seattle bridge exit. So I finally get to tacoma and pick her up.

(nice unintentional product placement for the best nameless ghoul tote bags ever)...we stop at fred meyer and get car supplies and gas. Then we are on our way. We make a stop in portland for dinner and an awesome visit with @lucifersbrightstar....we had such a good time!! (seriously, it was really great to hang out!!! <3 )eventually we head for cali. We made such great time. Sarah ptfo around medford. And as I’m flying down I5 the sun is beginning to come up and as I make it to the cali border and the ipod (on shuffle) is playing ghost’s cover of “here comes the sun”......I almost started crying it was such a beautiful moment.....like you can’t make this shit up.....

We made such good time we made it to the hotel hours before check in....we even went and scoped out the venue and everything....but by that time I was like “I need sleep now” So we check with the hotel and they were like Sure! check in now! your room is ready! and thank satan for that....because I went and ptfo. We rested and slept a couple hours before heading into San Francisco. We took the BART.

...which I’ve never been on a subway....we don’t have these things in seattle....That shit is scary as fuck. I mean it starts out above ground..much like the monorail here....SUPER easy and fun..... and then all of the sudden the thing is SHRIEKING like a fucking demon going 80million miles an hour and going down to the pits of hell so fast that your ears are popping. and then you end up in san francisco. we then went to chinatown..

its such a fun area...by this time though it’s been over 13 hours since I’d eaten and I fell into Eskimo Hungry™ mode. Like....if you don’t know what that is...you don’t WANT to know what that is....but if you don’t keep your Eskimo fed....it’s not pretty. So Sarah leads me into the snow garden restaurant and we order so much food. And she’s like “....are you mad at me?!?!?”.....and I then had to explain what Eskimo Hungry™ is. I then consumed some chicken chow mein and half a dozen pot stickers AND TWO!!! shrimps. I hate shrimp. They taste good....but I just can’t do the texture. But I got TWO down. I was so proud. I’ve never eaten more than one in a sitting. Then the world was right again and we went and looked at all the things!! She bought herself a black pearl (she’s a pirate....btw....like “this is not a hobby” type of pirate)(...actually her hobby is burlesque dancing....).....(....did I mention she’s one of my coolest friends?)...so she bought herself a black pearl necklace and comes up and also buys me this blue pearl necklace that matches my hair color...IT WAS THE SWEETEST THING EVER.

So then we just wander around all these random shops.....and we go in this knife shop....because she’s in the market for a pirate sword....and I saw this knife. I don’t like knives. or weapons. or guns. or anything like that. But I was like......I.must.have.that....i don’t know why I must have that. but I must. And then I’m like...noooo. I don’t need it. But then I was like...well if it’s under $20. I”ll do it. So I ask how much and the lady is like $17. And I was like naaaahh. this isn’t my jam. I don’t need it. and so I walk over to sarah and she’s like are you going to get it? I’m like....it’s $17.....and she said I should get it. So I did. So now how I have beautiful oil slick looking knife which I’m not sure is legal or not. but I love it? So then we travel down to the shopping area....and walk through this crazy tunnel:

and end up in the shopping area. I found a huge chewbacca. he was like 6′5.

I found a pineapple shirt (and knew @yourinfernalmajesty1 would approve) in no other place than fucking H&M.....because of course:

Then I saw the awesomest fountain thing....I saw it and IMMEDIATELY was like murder castle......MURDER CASTLE!!!!!!! H.H.HOLMES. YOU GUYS.

of course Sarah was just like “ok heather...?!?!.”.....and I”m just like “what? am I the only fucked up one here? it’s cool.....I get it....murder isn’t everyone’s cup of tea”....I then found palm trees......I had never touched a palm tree. Or really even seen one up close in real life. Those fuckers are HUGE. Day=Made. So excite.

Then we went to sephora because it was like 4x the size of ANY sephora we have up here. I got the new Urban Decay Veletizer. (10/10 would recommend.) We then were going to take the trolly, but it wasn’t running because it was the 4th of july. But they had a free shuttle down to the place for fireworks. We were waiting by the stop and this scandinavian couple started chatting with us.....it took EVERYTHING in me to not say “kommer ni från Sverige?”....because they were so swedish it was painful. The shuttle was fun:

but terrifying......the bus driver was INSANE. I was shocked we didn’t crash and die.

our houses here look so different. Like it feels more like a different country down there than it does in Vancouver....which is actually a different country.

We went by Lombard St....which was really cool and kinda unreal to actually see in person. It has such a different vibe than seattle.

So alien. So then we are down by the water. And friggin Alcatraz. I saw friggin Alcatraz!!!! What the fuck. SO AWESOME. I had to take a selfie with Alcatraz.

then I had to take a photo of Sarah with Alcatraz. I was so stoked to see it.

We then went and got Ghirardelli sundaes and coffee at Ghirardelli Square.....I was double fisting like a fuckin champ.

We we watched the not so impressive fireworks show that was hidden in the clouds for the most part....being from seattle.....it wasn’t that disappointing. just more normal. hahaha. We then walked 80 miles back to the BART.

We stopped and got some adult beverages on the way....And FINALLY at like midnight made it back to the hotel......where I looked in my bag:

....carries everything. full bottle of wine, blue pearls, BART card. shank. UD makeup. ice cream sundae....you know....the essentials. We then started are daily ritual of in and out burger......I ate more burgers this week than I have in the past year.

At this point I finally sleep for more than a few hours. We woke up the next day and I’m like a HUGE ball of energy....because ghost. We eat breakfast at the diner across the street from the hotel and discuss game plan. We then went to walgreens because Sarah was having bad sinus allergies and also had wore new boots all around the day before and needed a blister cover.

Now...for the GHOST part of the trip:

We then go back to the hotel and get ready to go. I finally put on the beautiful dress I made.

We called a cab and went down to stand in line for pit entry....because if I’m going to see ghost....I WILL be at the front. We looked fucking awesome btw....if I do say so myself:

That venue’s ticketing system is a fucking nightmare. I had purchased my two pit tickets back on presale in January. They allowed you NO (0,none,ziltch) tickets. but put the tickets attached to the number of the credit/debit card you purchased them with. Also you HAD to enter ALL at once AT the EXACT same time. And literally no one at the venue knew what to do with me and Sarah, because I was VIP/meet&greet and she was not. So I had paid (dearly) for early entry, but if I went in she would not be allowed in. Because VIP was plaza entrance and pit was south tunnel entrance. So I asked the lady running the iron maiden vip (ghost vip wasn’t even there yet)...and she was just like you have to ask nik. So by then the ghost vip crowd had gotten about as big as it was going to get (SUPER SMALL. like 20) and I was chatting with a couple people....some of which already follow me!! it was so cool! lol. So finally nik comes out and I tell him my situation with the tickets and he’s like well I”ll just check you in for vip right now and you can go stand with her in the pit line, because honestly ghost vip only get in 5 minutes before everyone else.....and ALL of the vip iron maiden fans are already in there. So he checks me in...and I find out I get to carry around a ouija board ALL night. for the entire show......like.....did they think this through? And I didn’t drive there.....soooo I had no where to put it and was forced to just carry it. And the little itty bitty sack they give you doesn’t even fit it:

So what I ended up doing....is threading my purse strap through each side string and then putting each loop around each arm and it fashioned a sort of backpack(which were 120% illegal, not allowed at this show, leave now, type of venue)....SO STUPID. But really a different and imaginative VIP incentive really. So much better than the shirt from last year. So I was ok with it. So then we go in and go to the front of the currently empty venue. And Sarah holds a spot (and my ouija board) for me up front while I go to the place to meet for the photos. I went and saw the people who I chatted with outside and akwardly joined them. It was actually really cool to hang out with other Ghost fans, not alot of them up here in seattle, I feel like. So we got talking and we decided that we wanted a tumblr photo with papa....so me, @jennwearsblack , @burnthewitchiii , and her friend (katie?) all figured we would ask if we could do one big group photo. So watch out for that!! :D I feel like it’s going to be fucking awesome!! So then nik came and herded us all down to this small room with this weird curtained off section with black fabric.....total step up from last year. but a little odd imo. you couldn’t watch the other people photos like you could last year....like it was private. so we wait in line and nervously chat. Finally it’s our turn and we all go in and take the group photo.....then we all exit back through the entrance to take individuals. I feel like we didn’t really ask if that was ok, or give them an option about it, or a chance to tell us “no, that’s not ok.” hahaha. So finally it’s my turn.....and I go in and hand him the envelope with the doll from @lucifersbrightstar and a couple of my own photos I had printed out for him.....but I put them in such a way he couldn’t see them?....because I don’t think I could handle papa looking at my photo in front of me again. When he did that last year I basically was like “OH THANKS” and turned and ran away from him while he’s holding a small pile of photos. hahah. oh dear. So he went over and gave the packet to.....the manager dude who I totally recognize, but who’s name I don’t know. The one whom I shoved ALL my shit (purse, merch, vip bag, laminent, etc) in his arms last year while I did my photo. (bless him)....And so then papa comes back and I go “I want to do an akward prom pose! and then one with our nails!” and him and nik both kinda tried to hold in laughs. Because that’s gotta be one of the best requests ever....if I do say so myself. And then I start thinking how this is going to work out and where and how to stand and while mid thought papa goes “OKEJ. lik dis?” in his papa voice....and in one swift movement grabs me by the waist, flips me around, so all of the sudden I”m in front of him, facing the camera, and then pulls me back so my back completely pressed up against his front, and his hands are on my stomach holding me there.....I froze and didn’t know what to do. because that’s NOT at ALL what I meant or expected....I wanted like 4 feet apart hand on shoulder akward.....but his super confident un-gentle movements and his hands on my stomach freaked me out to the point where it took me a moment to realize that I am standing there holding both of my own hands in the air while papas are around me and nik is standing there with the camera staring at me waiting for me to put my hands down....so finally my brain kicks in and is like “PUT YOUR ARMS DOWN BITCH. JESUSFUCKINGCHRIST. GET IT TOGETHER”....so I lowered my hands to papas with an akward unintentional pat pat and nik took the photo. then I was like....”nails”...and I made a stupid face and papa made a stupid face and we held our hands up...and he took the second shot and I gtfo. asap. run away. i was SHOOK fam....my groove was thrown off. I am sure I look like jabba the hut in the photo from the way papa was holding my top half back at an angle and how nik was looking up at us. I probably have like 80 chins despite my on point contouring. I booked it back to Sarah and was like “WWWWHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. *SOB* IT DID NOT GO AS PLANNED. *UGLY TEARLESS SOBBING*=‘(” (..............what?.....I wasn’t about to fuckup my close to flawless make up.....or cry out the contact....)....I was shaking.....that’s not something I ever do....I generally own up to everything that happens....and I rarely get nervous around people.....I’ve photoed and met so many idiot bands....like it’s just not nerve wracking at all to deal with idiot band people......but I was like....*holds shakey hand up* “WHAT IS THIS. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME. AM I DYING. I THINK I’M DYING. *TEARLESS SOB*”......she then left me to go find beverages($9 for a fucking bottle of water if you were wondering)(she was going to get adult beverage....but at $17 a shot....she wisely passed on that)(ps--fuuck you arena shows)....that’s when I panic posted that little blurb that’s got over 60 notes(why tho)....*cries*....of course then I over analyzed and remembered what I had said about my meet and greet last year:

....then I was like...”...uuhhh.....I sure as fuck hope he didn’t read that”.....because the demeanor and vibe from him this time was like so exact opposite....and we all know he’s a fuckin lurker......*has minor breakdown* ....because honestly this is more what I was going for this year....was the akward prom pose:

...i liked that...ugh. this years photo is going to be horrible and I’m going to cry....

.....then I’m going to get my shit together...open up photoshop.....and make it work......

So then the show started and it was SO AWESOME. Fire really made it for me....totally sold me on the new ghouls. That dude is a fucking treasure.

I had so many special moments with that little ghoul......Everyone’s like “PAPA POSES FOR YOU ALL THE TIME”.....and I’m just like.....nah. he’s just doin things that papas do. goin about his papa business. per usual. it’s not my fault papa business is photogenic........fire, however. That dude would hold a pose for hours for me if I asked, I think. hahahaha. He’s so fantastic and fun and he gives so much energy.....and also takes so much energy. more so than anyone I’ve ever photoed. it was really fun to photo and watch. one time I somehow felt like he was giving me shit for photoing another ghoul...my camera was pointed somewhere else, satan forbid. and I saw him gesturing out of the corner of my eye. So I looked straight at him and made a face and stuck out my tongue while still photoing someone else and he just shook his head and then shook his finger at me. I adore him. hahahaha. There was one time where papa did his “stare into your soul” thing.....so I just stopped photoing and stared back....like “two can play that game, bitch”......I could not see new new new earth at all. what so ever. was kinda sad about that. he seemed? to do well? I mean sounded good. I still hate chAir. Still petitioning for a new Air ghoul. dude is a terrible nameless ghoul. like.....no. gå hem. vi vill inte dig. du får inte sitta med oss......no matter how good at sitting you are......ha. only new ghoul I’m not sold on. New new new water is absolutely precious. New new aether is quite a character. His poppunk/glam jumps off boxes are life. It was over way too soon. Fire tried to toss me a pick but didn’t quite get it to me. we both just shrugged at each other. lol. Then during set changes the entire crowd shifted....in a bad way. the dude next to us got fucking head butted hard and went down. security came in and removed the headbutter. but people were still being horrible....WITH NO BAND EVEN PLAYING.....Sarah got hit hard too.....and she’s recovering from a shoulder injury and so we only lasted one song up front before we gtfo. and retreated to a safer spot:

It was a sold out show. 4000 people were behind us for ghost:

....Iron Maiden fans....as far as the eye could see.....

We went and got merch during iron maiden. I asked the merch girl for the “ghost tesla shirt” and she was like “I don’t know which one that is”.......I was just like....you’re fucking kidding me right?....then once she figured out which she’s like we only have it in large and up.....so someday I’ll make a dress out of it. lol. until then I”ll just swim in it.....it already goes like half way down my thigh. lol. So then we watched the rest of iron maiden from further back.....it was a really awesome show. Their stage set up is phenomenal. So then it ends and we contemplate trying to meet ghost....and find a lost older man with a dead phone(hi richard!) who was desperately trying to find his people...lol...I ended up calling his friend...and leaving a message..”HI....I’m here with your friend richard at the north entrance....please come get him”....haha...eventually they came found him and scolded him and thanked us for keeping him safe?? hahahahah. good times.....then it was good we didn’t try to meet the ghouls....cause I guess they left before it was even over. So I was fairly heartbroken about it....because I don’t know when/if I’ll ever get to meet the new ghouls. I really do like them(aside from chAir)....I really hope papa keeps them around.(aside from chAir).....So then we call a cab to get us back to our hotel......and they’re like....we just sent our last two cabs for the night. sorry....and people were saying uber was a 2 hour wait......so we ended up WALKING back to our hotel....... Luckily it wasn’t too far....but it was far enough....and I was in huge strappy platforms and a floor length dress. good times.....maybe not so much. But we made it. And then we went and got our ritualistic in and out burgers. That shit is so fucking good. and I don’t know why. Then I posted all the photos and mourned the fact that it was over....I was still buzzing with crazy energy and Sarah fell asleep...lol. Eventually I crashed too. we woke up the next morning, packed and headed home. It was THE WORST DRIVE EVER.....what took us like 11ish hours to get there.....it took us SEVENTEEN to get back. we stopped for coffee. and we stopped for in and out one last time.......the rest was spent stuck in traffic and road work for miles and miles. it took us HOURS and HOURS and HOURS just to get out of the god forsaken hell that is northern california.

we flew through southern oregon.....until just north of salem....where we sat....like chAir.....in traffic. and roadwork. for fucking hours and hours. not. happy.

...we figured I would get home around midnight....including a stop in oregon for a smidge of tax free shopping....not only did we not make it in time for oregon stores to be open......I GOT HOME AT 4:30AM......and that concludes the epic, crazy, wouldn’t trade it for anything, hot, fucking mess, of a trip that me and a friend took to see ghost. Because I’m pretty sure that will be the last time I ever see papa III.....and I would have regretted it my entire life if I hadn’t seen him one last time.

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thetruthwillworkout · 6 years

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The Real Real Journey

Sunday, July 22, 2018…today is the day that I am going to try to start my real journey in getting back into shape and losing weight. It is 9 pm and I have eaten a 3-piece chicken combo Popeyes meal (at 3 pm), and that is basically the only thing I am eating today since it was so greasy I just want to drink water and wash it all away. I am also in the midst of watching a documentary on Netflix called “From Fat to Finish Line” which has inspired me to write this blog post, as it is in some way keeping me accountable for what I have done during the day. The documentary focuses on 12 individuals who have collectively lost 1200 lbs together and celebrating their weight loss with a marathon. Today, I can successfully tell you I have still not done my calculus or physics homework, and have done a 20-minute Blogilates workout which I took several breaks in between since I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life, which is the whooping weight of about 190 lbs.

I can honestly say this wasn’t too big of a surprise, I can see it in my face, my stomach, my arms. My fat was just everywhere and it has very heavily affected my perception of myself. I don’t look the way that other 18-year-olds look, especially since in university at every club and party, girls are trying to go out practically naked…but honestly I think they look great! I’m never jealous of other girls with great bods, I congratulate them! I mean, it must not have been easy to get that six-pack and a booty that just won’t stop! I just imagine the hard work they must have done. When I see girls like this, I just evaluate my own decisions, was it smart to order a pizza and eat it by myself? No, I don’t think so. I can go on and on about poor decisions in my life, but nobody got time for that. But I wasn’t always like this, with my knowledge of fitness and health I don’t know how I let myself come to this point in my life.

Since about 2013-14, I have been watching this Youtube channel called “Barbell Brigade” where it portrays an L.A. powerlifting gym. I got to watching these videos due to the gym owners Bart and Geo, who have separate Youtube channels called “Just Kidding News”, “Just Kidding Party”, and a couple of other funny stuff. I started watching this powerlifting channel since I loved their other channels so much, I just wanted to help them become successful by visiting all their channels. I began watching these powerlifting videos because I thought it was just SO cool to watch people lift heavy weights and it was just completely badass. This made me interested in learning more about the ever-growing sport so I got to watching their videos answering viewers questions about all things fitness related, such as “Do Supplements Work” or “Lifting Advice for Beginners”. I binge watched all these videos and tried to just absorb all this knowledge and learn how to lift.

I was about 13 when I was overweight in the eyes of my parents. I believe I was 5’3 and 120 lbs. Looking back at pictures and videos I do not look fat at all but I do just have a bigger frame than other girls, as my hips were very ‘womanly’. This was due to the fact that I went through puberty at the age of 10!! All the sudden I had B cups by the age of 12 while girls in my class have not even tried on a training bra yet. I was so self-conscious back then, now I wish I was 120 lbs. Anyways, at the age of 12 I went through a lot of changes, my parents spent over $1000 on acne treatment (oh yeah, and I also have such bad acne doctors would get shocked by it…yeah it was that bad) and I also joined the gym! Since you had to be 14 to register my dad used my older sister’s name and everything to get me in…I looked 16 at 12 so I think it’s fine, not illegal or anything…right? Lol, so at this time, I just used the machines at the gym and I went practically every other day with my dad, and I started to lose weight! Then winter came, and I just didn’t have the energy to go out, or I was tired from school. I was just making these excuses to not go to the gym because I thought I was done with my journey. I looked and felt great so that meant I could stop going which is what I think was going through my head. Unfortunately, this was not the case and I got into a huge argument with my parents.

Being Korean girl growing up in a predominantly white neighbourhood can be a challenge for a first-generation immigrant. I believed that guys only wanted girls with blonde hair and blue eyes, and no one would like my small eyes and big nose. Also, being a first-generation immigrant, my parents knew no one in Canada and started from nothing basically. Money was always tight and my mom always made a big deal of it. So, this relates to my journey because I stopped going to the gym, which did not go over well with my parents. Gym memberships are not cheap by any means, and by me not going were stressing them out, with my mom shoving the membership bills in my face and yelling at me. Being 12 and going through puberty, this was not a good time for a girl to hear she was too fat when I already knew that I was convinced that no one would like me if I was too fat, and Asian and I was going to end up alone with 20 cats (12-year-olds are sooo dramatic, am I right? Or am I right…?). This sent me into a depression which my parents noticed, and in my culture, you show your love with food. So, my mom is trying to apologize by buying me McDonald’s and just whatever is unhealthy. Of course, I ate all of it and eventually forgave her. With the weight I am at now, you have probably guessed I am the child that has fought with my parents the most and time and time again they fill me up with food to make up for it. But, I am in no way in shape or form, blaming my parents for my weight…kinda. This is majority my fault, but honestly, I didn’t know any better for myself and I was just filled up with hormones. It wasn’t until I was 15 when I started to make a change.

At the age of 15, I joined the gym again with my parents, and I also started going on runs everyday! Yayy! I think it was this age where I was the most fit I had ever been. My friends were noticing my weight loss (starting at 140 lbs to about 130 lbs), I was becoming quicker on my feet in my volleyball games which my coach noticed. I was constantly working out and eating healthy for about 3-4 months…but then came my mother. I was doing so well in reaching my goal of weighing 120 lbs, but going out to eat with my family was never fun. My mother would try to get me to eat chicken wings or pasta but I refused…until one day I didn’t. This just broke a wall in me, I began to eat more, and my runs were less frequent. My excuse for not running was it was starting to snow, and I didn’t have clothes to workout in the snow and I had no money to buy $100 sweaters for running at the Nike store. I quit the gym again, much to the disappointment of my parents, and I started to lose control of my self and my body once more. I love my mother, but she can make or break my mood and motivation at the snap of her fingers. She is always someone I look up to, and when I was younger, I thought my parents knew everything and everything they said was 100% true and accurate (I found out that this was false a couple of years later). But my father on the other hand has always been there for me, I tell him almost all my problems and he’s the one that helps me rationalize and get through them. He was always at my volleyball games and just there for me in general.

Back to weight loss! I gained a shit ton of weight back, but luckily, I took a course in grade 11 called Weight Training. This class allowed me to properly learn how to use most equipment at the gym, as well as learn how to properly squat (but using the smith machine) and using free weights. I already had previous knowledge on most of it since I’ve been on and off going to the gym since the age of 12, but I did learn which workouts target which muscles and how to safely train in the gym. Loved the class, and in that class, I met one of my close friends today, which is a nice plus 😊. I liked this class so much, I took it again in grade 12. In my grade 12 year I joined the gym, once again. It was never consistent, I tried to diet but it never seemed to stick, I wanted to go running but all of the sudden I was embarrassed and unfamiliar with it since I haven’t done it in 2 years. I was eating basically whatever I wanted and would go to the gym 2 or 3 times a week, never taking training too seriously. On the plus side, I finally got the courage to learn how to squat and deadlift with the squat racks at the gym, which my father did not think it was a good idea. My father is always concerned my health, but I believe he doesn’t know about health as much as he thinks he does, or he thinks he knows better than me. He might know better than me, but he will not take my passion away from weights and learning from professional athletes online. At this point in my life, I became more knowledgeable in powerlifting, crossfit, health, different diets, but was not really practicing any of it due to the restriction I felt I had living my parents. I was able to squat 50 lbs (with a 45 lb bar) and deadlift about the same weight, but was not eating the way I wanted to.

Then things changed when I went away for university. I learned that I found it was much more peaceful living away from my family, but this meant I had freedom in food choices which I didn’t have with my parents. Contrary to my mother trying to fatten my up, she’s the one that is constantly telling me that I shouldn’t wear blue jeans since they make me look too big and I should just stick with black clothing since it makes people look slimmer, or I shouldn’t spend money on clothes since she knows I’m not going to have the confidence to wear it. Just stuff like this to make a girl feel like shit. What I learned is that my mother is just projecting her own insecurities onto me, which I can look past, up to a certain point though. Next thing you know I’m 190 lbs, on my way to 200 which I am horrified to be. I’m about to enter my 20s, I can’t enjoy my 20s being fat! I need to dress slutty and make bad decisions in this period of my life!! I am 90% joking about this 😉. But at 18-years-old, I am going to find a personal trainer and try to get myself back on track. Tomorrow, I am going to try and wake up early and go for a jog. I am already intermittent fasting which I believe is great! I don’t have to worry about making 3 meals a day and can mostly focus on just eating fruits and vegetables as snacks during the school day in the period of 8 hours.

I am going to try and update this blog post daily to what I’ve done in the day.

#fitness #workout #weights #female #fitnessjourney #health

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