#also my back hurts i tried my best ..

[voidscreamns]

./

#i dont think i’ve talked my nonverbal!Diluc hc on here yet #but i keep seeing posts abt disability/chronjcally ill/neurodivergent hcs for genshin characters so here’s one from me #idk i feel like after That Night™️ and being on the run from the Fatui/working with a secret organization #diluc not just learns the ‘value’ of keeping secrets and staying quiet but also internalizes his guilt and trauma of saying smth that could #hurt people #it started with him telling Kaeya that he’s not a Ragnvindr anymore and then is exacerbated by his 3-4 Year Fatui Murder Rampage thru Teyvat #and with all ghat trauma and self-deprecation and paranoia he just. stops talking. #he picks up sign language in Fontaine and still writes but at some point he just stops talking and never speaks again #when he comes back to Mondstadt it was hard to adjust to for both him and the people around him #Kaeya initially assumes that Diluc just refuses to talk to him until he later hears gossip abt how no one has ever heard him speak since he #came back. he goes to Adelinde and/or Elzer abt it and they tell him that they neve even hear Diluc so much as hum or grunt #afterwards everyone changes up real fast— Kaeya and Venti drinking at the bar and seemingly just talking at Diluc but they’re always #observing his reactions and body language even when they’re drunk #Jean tries her best to be patient but she has a hard time reading him bc he’s changed so much in the time he’s been gone #Adelinde & Elzer and the winery staff are the most communicative he’s with— Diluc is far more likely to write with them to communicate #at some point Diluc has a business meeting with some rich dude from Fontaine or smth #Kaeya walks in bc he has an actual important mission thinf to discuss and he sees Diluc and this Fontaine dude and the dude’s wife #moving their hands so fast and with all kinds of gestured and stuff #and it’s the first time Kaeya sees Diluc look so EXPRESSIVE— he’s frowning and raising his eyebrows and mouthing words and all this #and Kaeya just goes ‘what’ #turns out the Fontainian dude is deaf and both him and his hearing wife know sign; she helps interpret this to kaeya for the dude and Diluc #and Kaeya is like ‘oh okay’ and goes to the kitchen like ‘i’ll just wait here till yall are finished’ #and he sees Adelinde and Elzer there with stoic faces and they just. stand there in quiet for so long. #Kaeya finally says ‘…..so. sign language huh’ and Adelinde and Elzer have the most pained looks on their faces #later that week Diluc finds like everyone around suddenly doing basic signs with him #he later learns that the winery has ordered a shitton of signing books from Fontaine and are trying to learn #+ Kaeya and Jean too with help from Lisa bc like dont you know learning several languages is a requirement for graduation from the Akademiya #soon the use of sign starts spreading in Mondstadt— there might be some small communities where they have their own native sign but it’s not #as standardized nor widely known as it is in Fontaine #this is getting really long so I’ll stop here but yeah. nonverbal Diluc who signs fjskdjs

[lovesickeros]

☆ lost in orbit

{☆} characters tsaritsa {☆} notes cult au, drabble, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings violence [ implied ], unhealthy relationship {☆} word count 0.6k

She had resigned herself to apathy – to burying her love beneath the cold, hard soil and letting it rot amongst the graves of a long dead civilization, burned to ash in only a day. Yet how quickly it all fell apart in her hands, slipping through her fingers like sand, no matter how desperately she tried to cling to it.

Was she not diligent enough? Was she so weak that she faltered at the first person who showed her genuine trust and affection? Had all her work been for naught?

A part of her revolts – the same woman who watched the sky burn and the ground beneath her feet crumble into ash. It would be so easy to wrap her hands around your delicate throat, to squeeze until you finally saw her as the monster she knew she has always been.

Yet she doesn't think she could. The look of betrayal, of fear..oh, it would ruin her, she knows.

Perhaps that makes her weak. Perhaps you have made her weak.

Perhaps she does not mind as much as she should.

You trust her, after all – enough to sleep in her bed like she couldn't just kill you before you ever knew what was happening to you. Your body was so..fragile, in this mortal shell you descended in. How easy it would be to snuff out your life, here and now.

Yet she doesn't.

Instead, she looks at you like an old lover – with all the love of a woman who had died in the ashes of a dying civilization, of a woman who thought she could love no longer. Emotions she fought so hard to suppress well up in her chest and fill the empty space where she knows her heart should beat. Try as she might – and oh, how she tries – she can never quite stem the affection that consumes her every waking moment when she sees you.

It is like an addiction that she cannot rid herself of, no matter how she tries. She always finds herself back at square one – back to you.

Her hand lingers against your cheek, undue affection filling the empty spaces in her chest until she feels like cannot breathe. She traces her hand along your jaw, her vision narrowed on the softness of your lips.

Yet that same thought rises unbidden to the forefront of her thoughts. Love was a dangerous thing – you both knew that. To let it fester and rot her from within..she would be throwing her plans out the window, and for what?

Because she was too weak? Because the affection and trust in your eyes whenever your looked at her made her feel whole, like she was more then just an Archon playing God with the fate of the world?

You do not even stir as her thoughts toil like a brewing storm. She swallows the lump in her throat, removing her hand like she'd just touched a piece of hot metal. A part of her still screams that it's for the best, that you've corrupted her enough, torn apart her plans in the span of a week, a mere blink in time..

But it goes silent as she leans in, pressing her lips to your cheek. She will not let the thought fester, tonight – she will let herself be weak, if only for another day. If only to covet the affection that she finds herself drowning in for just another day.

And when you stir, she pretends that she had never thought of it at all, that she has only ever known love with you. Even if her heart that does not beat leaves a stabbing pain in her chest in the agony of knowing that even this is futile..

She lets you wake, let's the recognition and the affection fill your vision until she is all you see – two stars locked in orbit, unable to break away.

And when the day comes that you collide, she will be holding the blade that drives into your chest, and she will know nothing but love when she does.

#sagau #genshin sagau #self aware genshin #genshin impact sagau #self aware genshin impact #tsaritsa #fellas is it gay to think abt murdering ur lover bc u love them so much #everyone hcing that her lover died in khaenri'ah but what if she killed them.. #tsaritsa killing her lover so they dont have to walk down the same path and suffer the consequences when celestia retaliates>>> #tsaritsa killing her lover bc to her them dying is better then living and she refuses to let them be corrupted by going down the same path #i just think shes a little silly!!! a little goofy!!!! i forgive her #theres just smth abt tragic lesbians and also tragic lesbians whose tragedy is one of their own making #yknow :) #but at the SAME TIME. her lover dying and wanting her to move on and LIVE but shes so spiteful shes willing to destroy herself to #destroy celestia. she doesnt care abt what happens to her bc if her lover isnt there with her then what does it matter? she has nothing lef #to lose. #characters who become their lover would hate bc living in a world without them is agony>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> #also i only tagged unhealthy relationship bc the tsaritsa is. unhinged but shes actually v normal in the relationship #she loves u!!!! and shes a good lover!!! she just thinks abt killing u sometimes bc she loves too much and its easier to kill u now vs lose #you later on where it will hurt WORSE #also bc smth smth she thinks itll make it hurt less if she kills you vs someone else bc she would actually LOSE IT if someone hurt u #spoilers it does not and she spirals and is haunted by what shes done and constantly tries to lie to herself to justify it. it does not wor #did i scare off the normal ppl w this one.......maybe!!!!! #i meant morally grey at best when i said morally grey at best!! #crawls back into my ditch okay im shutting up now

[sensazioneultra]

Πράσινη Θάλασσα GREEN SEA (2020) dir. Angeliki Antoniou + food

#green sea #green sea 2020 #worldcinemaedit #foodedit #moviegifs #food in film #filmedit #userfilm #dailyflicks #greek cinema #greek movie #2020 #movies #nico.gif #got sooo hungry watching this film #also my back hurts i tried my best ..

[sleepy-crypt1d]

people dont write wheatley mean enough, ive decided. like, he's an asshole. that's a huge part of his character. YES he is also pathetic and a fucking loser who i could drop kick.

that's why he's an asshole.

he's mean and self-centered and uncaring because that is how he has always been treated.

he frequently calls you brain dead, he throws out the idea of turning you in to GLaDOS' so he can live, he spends a full minute insulting children and calling manual laborers stupid - because that's how he's been treated. he was made to be stupid, he was abandoned by his creators because they didn't care, and then he's insulted time and time again by being called a moron when, if you actually look at the game from his perspective, he's the one who's did all the work!!

he has been kicked, insulted, almost killed and ignored his entire life no SHIT he's more than happy to turn those exact same actions onto other people without any sort of care for their feelings. no one's ever cared for his?? so why should he??

people either have him as a stammering uwu little baby who's either completely helpless or a creep or they make him super over confident when he's neither. yes, he stutters and yes there are times he's embarrassed but that's because he overthinks and has a hard time putting things into words. he is fucking terrifying, yes, but it's not because he's confident. it's because he's willing to do anything just to prove he can.

wheatley is so mischaracterized it hurts and it makes me so upset. this game has been out for ten years and i need my guy to be seen as the actual nuanced character he is.

#the ball deserves better #portal #portal 2 #portal wheatley #i love him!!! favorite character <33333 #maybe it's just because im currently doing a portal rewrite so i have to listen to all his dialogue and write it out and such but #damn most people just DONT get him #i do tho <3333 #he literally cries during his boss fight yelling 'this is the best thing that's ever happened to me! and you dont even care!' and no one- #-thought about it apparently #LISTEN TO HIS ISOLATED BOSS FIGHT LINES RN!!! GO!! GET!! #he has been hurt so fucking much - ALL he tries to do is help people and none of them can do that back. you cant even fucking catch him #HE SAVED YOUR LIFE and you dont even have the decency to catch him #OF COURSE HE BECOMES THE VILLAIN??? OF COURSE HE SAYS HE DEPISES YOU?? MAKE HIM MEAN HE DESERVES IT #let him be angry!!! STOP making him just this cute little guy >w< LET WHEATLEY KILL #it is 6am WHAT am i doing #will prob also make a post about how hes literally smarter than GLaDOS - he's not a moron guys trust me #he's dumb but he's not stupid #okay fuck ive ranted long enough back to my fic lol

[twpsyn-who]

Excuse you, where is my "Stiles and Isaac has been secretly dating for a year before Scott got bitten" fanfiction? You know, the one were their relationship got challenged when Stiles began lying to Isaac and finding excused to not meet up, all to help his best friend and co. with everything going on? In which Isaac gets into a big fight with Stiles before he gets turned, which makes things ten times worse when Isaac finds out his boyfriend knew about the supernatural and have been lying all this time? You know what I'm talking about.

#boyfriends to enemies to reluctant allies to boyfriends again #I'm a sucker for secret relationship but also it makes sense for it to be a secret with Isaac's father #I swear Stiles tries at least once a month to convince his boyfriend to report his father after all his father's the sheriff everything is #going to be ok. but also he can understand why Isaac won't do anything about it. All Stiles can do is be there for him #ANYWAY just the idea of people finding out they have been dating all this time? Gold #also the parallels??? because Stiles has prioritised his best friend and supernatural over his own boyfriend where Scott has done the #opposite #we all know Stiles kept it quite just to protect Isaac and keep him away from danger but still. Isaac doesn't see it like that #ok.but them getting back together and then the Nogitsune shit takes place???? they can't catch a break #teen wolf isaac #isaac lahey #teen wolf stiles #stiles stilinski #stiles x isaac #the betrayal man. the hurt. the PAIN. I love it #stisaac #teen wolf stisaac #teen wolf #if there's a fic similar with what I'm saying herr pls pls PLS let me know??? tge idea won't leave my mind and I'm losing it #Scott asking Stiles if he was ok after the break up and Stiles insisting that he's fine while Scott keep insisting and Stiles... #just breakdowns? but like more like blows up. he's hurt and it feels unfair that Scott got to keep the girl and be a werewolf while Stiles #lost everything. even his relationship with his father's shit because of all the lying he has done to protect/help the pack #and for what??? #he lowkey knows is not Scott's fault. Stiles has made some choices and has to live up with the consequences #that doesn't really stop it from lashing at scott before starting to have a panick attack over losing Isaac #yk first love and all shit. that hurts the worst

[pepprs]

my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.

#purrs #longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing #and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how #deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is #to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is #being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten #alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can #one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the #most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably #i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this #delete later #i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting #people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself #and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i #feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk. #also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental #illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt #feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant #i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that #and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending

[aqua-tan]

OMG THANK YOU!!! After skipping over so many good scenes from the manga, they are actually gonna bring THAT scene to life. I'm so hyped for next week! Here's hoping that they will also show Saraha pick up and carry Toki. Please I need it. Also, I need the follow-up scene from the nurse's office (*cough* shirtless Toki).

#Aqua talks The wolf and bunny BL #Sahara sensei to Toki-kun #srsly that scene is so good #hitting all the right H/C and TLC beats #also omg there's actually a still of it on the homepage #and the clue as to what is actually going on is right there #can't wait for people who don't know the manga to freak out and blame that character for best boy getting hurt #I may forgive the show for not showing SahaToki sharing an umbrella #or riding a bike together with Toki leaning on Sahara's back with his head #or the scene from the bathhouse where Toki sees Sahara naked for the first time and completely freaking out #or the neck kiss #I may forgive all that #but please oh please handle this one scene right #it's one of my favorites #like I'm not getting my hopes up to see Sahara and Toki visit Sahara's family #or Toki taking care of a sick Sahara #or even their cute vacation trip together where it's just them #or even Sahara coming to Toki's rescue when he tries to avoid getting into a fight with some delinquents while already being injured #this show seriously needs more and longer episodes #there's just so many good scenes that deserve to be brought to life

[divinekangaroo]

the melting point of gold - pettiot - Peaky Blinders (TV) [Archive of Our Own]

Ch 1 / Ch 2 / ? (Likely 3 or 4)

Between S6-E3 and S6-E4. The 36 hours between Ruby’s death and Ruby’s funeral.

Women are decorative. Men must be functional. This is a very special kind of lie.

.

.

Inspired in part by @deadendtracks meta on Lizzie and Tommy around Ruby’s death.

.

.

Tommy Shelby/Lizzie Stark, Tommy Shelby & Ruby Shelby, Charles Shelby, Charlie Strong, Frances, Oswald Mosley, Johnny Dogs, Esmerelda Gold, Adam (House of Commons Secretary) | Grief, Resisting Despair, Intrusive Thoughts, Intrusive Memories, Angst, Dysfunctional Family, Complicated Relationships, Anger Issues, Backstory, Gender Role Issues, Tommy’s Complicated Relationship with his Ethnicity, Unnamed Mental Illness, Manic Tommy, Sleep Deprivation, Mild Anachronism, Abortion, Child Abuse, Drug Addiction, Friendship, Extended Family, Funerals in a time of Infectious Disease, the Lasting Legacy of Catholicism, Tommy’s Metacognition Breaking Down, Ethnic Slurs, Sex, Lack of Communication, Hallucinations or Waking Dreams, Too Many Flashbacks

#peaky blinders #my writing #tommy shelby #tommy x lizzie #This was an absolute beast of a chapter #so much trauma dumping then stripped back to symbolism #tommy slowly shaking his head ‘I wouldn’t even think that’ like not even in fanfic when hallucinating to himself will he expose that much #Next chapter coming is the Mosley chapter #Given this is a sort of hurt-comfort thing where tommy is reeling from male peer to male peer looking for paternal comfort #Charles strong - stern father figure gets the messy stuff done #johnny dogs - best friend figure let’s distract with silliness #Oswald Mosley - believe it or not a momentary ‘work wife’ sort of thing because weak tommy reflects on Oswald badly #Also not sure how clear it is but all of the comforts lizzie tries to offer tommy rejects without realising they were attempted comforts #and Lizzie’s doing the same to the things Tommy’s trying to offer her #so they keep missing each other’s cues badly then getting hurt by the next comment that lands #blind to each other

[robinsnest2111]

feeling nostalgic for the small sparks of happiness during my otherwise depression-heavy and bullying-laden and self hating teen years tonight aughh

#kinda wishing i could go back in time and try to prevent it all from becoming such a blur from mental illness #wanna fully experience 2007-2011 without all the trauma and The Forgetting 😭 #also maybe more fully experience my first genuine friendships between 2011-2017 without the looming mental illness #and the accompanying fragility and volatility. like damn if it wasn't for all of my shortcomings and my weirdness #i would probably still be friends with more people from that time... #but i drove most of them away by being horribly mentally ill and self depreciating and being a total ass to them because of it #no one taught me better at the time and i was a frightened and hurting animal #still feel horrible for being so hurtful to people who loved me in the process but it is what it is i cannot change the past #i know they TRIED their best to make me feel better and help me grow and be a better person but i was not Receiving it in my brain #mental illness took so much from me orz

[boltgunkiller-archive]

saw brittana s2 era being related to are we still friends by tyler the creator

#juno speaks #oh my goddd… #“are we still friends? can we be friends?” #when you apply the locker scene where santana says britt staring at her is causing her to forget her locker combo… ohh #because britt literally says “did i do something wrong are you mad at me. i miss being close” (not a direct quote but that’s essentially #what she said) and like. my god. because during the s2 era they heavily drifted due to santana’s confession. it wasn’t the confession itself #that drove them apart #more so santana’s own decision to distance herself due to her fear of rejection and #since she got rejected #her subsequent bitter behavior to deflect from what happened and the embarrassment and shame she felt not Only bc she admitted to liking #girls. Liking BRITTANY. but also bc she didn’t even get what she wanted in the end and now people may know and now BRITT knows so she can’t #just go back to being normal and she’s stressed and hurt and upset and she just doesn’t wanna talk to anyone #she just wants to be straight and normal and she wants things to be normal but she can’t handle the idea of facing brittany at all so she #just drifts away from her so brittany desperately tries to fix things and become santana’s best friend again #they’re a two shot they’re best friends they need each other they went from inseparable to not even speaking outside of maybe glee club #it’s got an effect on the both of them and brittany wants to fix whatever happened and go back to being close but santana won’t even tell #her what’s wrong so she has to figure it out for herself (“can we be friends?”) #the song essentially repeats those two lines a lot but they can be applied to more than just that locker scene too #you could apply them to santana denying dancing w brittany/wearing the lebanese shirt because she’s denying brittany’s attempt to not only #fix their relationship but also help santana accept herself. she can’t accept that and all brittany wants is for them to be friends but #in that moment it seems as if santana won’t even accept that they ARE friends #and then in 2x19 she doesn’t accept that well now that artie isn’t in the picture they COULD be more than that (“don’t say goodbye” lowkey) #like santana’s just so closed off it seems like they’re not friends and they can’t even be that and they could never be more either #auuvuh… does this even make sense… losing my mind #gleeposting

[milkweedman]

Just finished 2 skeins of sleeve yarn and once again marveling at how little yardage im fitting on a bobbin with this stuff--each skein was 60 yards (55 meters). And each skein was a totally full bobbin of plied yarn (and my singles each took up a bobbin). Part of it is that its very airy (and bulky weight, obviously), and the other part is that my take up is not very high so its not compacting down as it goes on, but even so, it feels like a lot of yarn when i was holding it ! And the spinning and plying was only maybe 2 hours ! Bulky yarn is crazy

#so nice though #the carding takes a day or two so im never spinning back to back days which is actually kind of nice #and then i can get the spinning and plying done in one day as long as i keep the tension low (less stress on my joints that way) #and break it into a few sessions #ideally id also be using up the yarn as fast as i was making it but im spending most of my knitting time on that scarf #i moved the sweater panel to straights because i thought i would hurt my hands less #which it isnt but i feel like the reason for that is more to do with how unbalanced it feels and how i can never get the stitches #to sit at the balance point on the needles so theyre not trying to fall out of my hands #which i think is user error really #also thought i was getting lever knitting straights (i.e. the very very long ones) but i dont think i did in retrospect #theyre too short to press the left one into my hip while sitting unless i slouch a ton which i dont remember it being the last time #i tried lever knitting. so maybe i might have better luck if i actually got a pair of those #anyway its going fast when i can knit. and its Very soft and so satisfying to knit #excited to get to the front panel so i can do a design #not sure what though #ooh a beet would be really cool #dont know if i could render it in brown though... id like if it could be all hand dyed and ive never gotten a red #on the other hand could do my best to dye some yarn with beets and then it could be more symbolic of red than actually red lol #spinning #bulky sweater spin

[biblicalhorror]

You ever had a friendship where like you kind of faded out of each other's lives for a period of time and then re-bonded without ever really addressing the distance so now every time one of you mentions something you never told the other one during The Dark Time you both just have to be like "yeah, this massive thing that happened to me that we didn't talk about at the time but I totally wanted to tell you about but it felt like I couldn't talk to you but I'm also not gonna say it was your fault because I don't want to drive you away again but I know and you know exactly what it is we're not talking about"

#like. i dont blame her for what happened #she was going through a lot of bullshit and i was getting into my current relationship with our mutual friend #and the mutual friend in question it turns out had rejected her like a month and a half before asking me out #so like. things were weird and i dont blame her for not wanting to make a whole thing out of it #and i also get how it would be hard to see me like that with someone you had interest in #but also from my perspective at the time i started dating a boy i liked and my best friend just decided she couldnt be around me anymore #and even though i now have the full context and it doesnt hurt as badly theres still a part of me carrying resentment over it #ive stopped pretending this is relatable content and now im just using the tags on this post as my diary #like on the one hand i know this friendship is worth it because we're stronger than ever now #and shes gotten so much better about vulnerability and admitting i matter to her and communicating in general #but on the other hand it just keeps feeling like theres this elephant in the room that neither one of us has any idea how to address #and like i dont even know if it would be better if we did address it #like 'hey btw i know you had a crush on my now bf and tried to kiss him one time and then didnt tell me when he shrugged you off' #'i also know how much you tried to pretend it didnt hurt you but you distanced yourself from half your friends to avoid having to face it' #'and at the time it was rly frustrating because you acted like me being happy in a healthy relationship was a personal inconvenience to u' #'but i understand now and i forgive you and im glad you came back around eventually because i love you and i missed you' #or can all of those things just remain unsaid and understood

[dvarapala]

most people see udyati as someone who's quick to forgive - maybe too quick - and while that is true to a certain extent, there are some people exempt from this rule. forgive and forget? no, resent and remember. she is a taurus, after all, and she'll hold a grudge until she dies except, oh, right, she can't. chances are, udyati will hold a grudge until you die, instead.

#metas; headcanons; world building. #//like she's quick to forgive harry for pushing her through that portal after explaning to him why that hurt so specifically #//and she can forgive her mom and see that her mom has her own baggage and tried her best with what she had #//on the other hand: there is That One Person - who she's obviously not forgiving any time soon for everything she's pulled #//and also like teachers at school; she resents them for not having her back when it mattered #//i think it's mostly authority figures that ud is :/ at #//notable exemptions are mary mccall and sarah miller-winchester #//and maaaaaaaybe erin lindsay #//but oh my gosh; ud does Not like authority figures because she highly expects them to fail or disappoint her in Some Way

[mrfoox]

I keep being annoying I know but it is so so soooooo amazing to have 90% good or decent days instead of 70% bad and 30% manageable days

I can't stop talking about it bc ive never known anything else. Of course I struggle to even take care of myself when my mind has been telling me to off myself or hurt myself or just bad shit about me

Who has energy to do anything when someone you can't get rid of keeps screaming at you you're worthless?

And now... I still have bad self image ofc, I still have my asd/add and the difficulties tied to that... But. My mind is in a different place. I can focus of the things I appreciate. I see the world so... Differently. The world hasn't changed but my eyes and views on it has

#miranda talking shit #Im scared to ask people if ive changed bc it sounds scary but also im like.... I have #In the sense i can be more of my positive self. Ive always had this side... But havent had the mental energy to have it out #I cabt express this sentiment enough im sorry for spamming about it but like.... #My world has been.... So bad since i was a child . Reading my diary back made me start seeing #Child me mentioning ... Wanting to die. Wishing i was dead by the age of 9-10.... #And i had active bad bullying by my brothers at home til i was 6-7... The years between was me being #Constantly anxious and scared they'd go back to hurting me and then the damaged started to show? #So im not excatly exaggerating when i say i have been deppressed almost all my life. That has been my normal #I havent felt much other than fear despair self loathing etc etc so #And having been trying all sorts of antidepressants and anxiety meds since i was 15....? #Ive tried more than 10. Best effects ive had is i feel kinda numb or.... Indiffrent. Like stable but not GOOD #I had accepted that was the best i could get. There was no amazing medication for me that would work great #And then im here and it's like.... Im not numb i am still emotional as hell but its more good now #Im still me but mkre of the version of me thats good...?

[userastarion]

fuckin. annoying that i miss the best friend my relationship petered out with like 3-4 years ago still every single fucking day

#i tried so hard and i held on so much longer than i should have #but since another one of my best friends just had two of hers absolutely ghost her #and then have the gall to say ‘i was trying to let this friendship die with some dignity’ #when she was a coward and just completely abandoned my friend #it brought back my sadness and my hurt and my anger and confusion from my own situation #i still don’t know what happened and i wanted to. #i tried to adjust to what i thought could be the problem but nothing worked #it was just. emptiness. #and that was really hard. i have cried over it many times. #friendship breakups are so tragic - especially when you cling to it with all you have #because even tho there’s no response that ALSO doesn’t show you you’re no longer wanted #not if you have anxiety and need clarity and closure anyway 🙃 #it took me a long time to accept that #but i’ve been ghosted enough times now that i think it has ducked me #fucked me up in how i feel about ppl #and how much i trust them. how much i trust that they’ll stick around. #i think i have 4 people from my entire life that i can confidently say will not leave #(outside of my family i guess i should say) #it just sucks. being abandoned sucks. especially when you don’t know why. and you did what you could to save it. #b:personal #text post

[grimbeak]

I see you’re experiencing some Kevin wtdb brainrot <33 I have nothing to offer you. Congrats or I’m sorry that happened ummm have you considered how he genuinely didn’t get what he was doing wrong in mudstone abyss and grew so disconnected from his community without even realising and have you considered that he is the voice of Desert Bluffs and so that realisation whenever it hits him funky is gonna HIT. And have you considered how him and Lauren have the dynamic of people who really did care at some point but grew to blame each other for their situation. Sorry I heart them. Also I think it’d be pretty funny if Donnie and Esteban became friends and Kevin and Cecil had to sit at park benches like moms who hate each other but are forced to get along decently for their kids sake? That’d be funny I think. Okay! Have fun I hope you don’t die from the thoughts!

I've thought b4 ab the sports games since desert bluffs does has a team there and how cecil usually goes to report, it would only make sense that kevin did the same- also if they held it in desert bluffs too he'd also be there to chaperone/get everyone there since he's been there the longest, so just. in any sports situation cecil's just trying SO hard to focus on the game while kevin's just having the Best Time grinning at him horrifyingly while giving him the double bird from across the field. esteban n donovan both doing lil kid soccer and their dads going to their games and just. them making Instant Friends and donovan dragging esteban over to meet his dads and kevin is trying so fucking hard not to laugh while cecil has to be restrained from finding a gun and shooting him

#you've given me an oppurtunity to rant and I thank you for tha #t #kevin n lauren r just....ughhhhi think ab them Often #in my fics/aus they either despise each other or they're legally married for tax reasons (neither of them pay taxes) #they're each other's work wives #charles tries to propose and kevins like omg yes hold on i needa divorce lauren first #they do their best to screw each other over but when one is genuinely hurt the other will stop at nothing to avenge them #smthn happening at the station that is Traumatic and b4 charles can even get there lauren's already holding him n helping him calm down #they're the only living people/people who are physically close to one another that knows what the other has gone through #they trust each other with their lives in the sense that #if there's a Big Scary Monster and one runs off seemingly out of cowardice #it's so they can find their Big Scary Weapon and kill that mfer #lauren bullied him as a kid but like. in a friend bully way and in the sense that no one else could bully him otherwise she'd kick their as #s #she almost shanked his dad once #also like. in the arc where everyone knows night vale is a real place now #and there r podcasts and there's one with janice where it's like is the mudstone abyss acsessable #1: girl why are you going there. like. that is in a whole other dimension do u have friends there? #and 2: i hc kevin as having prosthetics and having had back surgery both as a kid and strex attempting to fix him so its like #boi. how did you fuck up this badly. #you cant even make it down there now you just have to pretend you went down #hes a guest on the podcast at one point and janice asks him that and he just has his head in his hands #also: he janice dana tamika michelle and maureen all have girls nights together #its not bc he's gay cuz cecil isn't allowed #even they arent even sure why they allow him #he gives off girlboss energy and i love it #kevin wtnv #he either has a rivalry with michelle or maureen for no reason