#also putin is trending?? is it november 5th 2020?? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

spn-season-16-chronicles · 3 years

Text

The great chronicles of season 16

I'm making the chronicles and will be grateful if you tell me what I forgot. Also there might be one day difference - chronicles were made according to CET timezone.

The 5th of November 2020 - destiel is canon and homophobic (according to memes and also kinda in retrospect), we know after tweet mentioning also Putin stepping down and. While vote counting was taking place. Spn trending on tumblr and twitter. As well as Destiel. Over the presidential election.

The 11th of November - Misha stated that Cas loved Dean romantically, and the confession was of a very homosexual nature

The 12 th of November - 15x19 - two mentions of Cas (including Lucifer impersonating him, which implies that Dean reciprocated Cas’ feelings), plot resumed, speculations about parallel to Dean being pulled out from Hell by Cas

Whole week of build-up and speculations

The 18th of November - Entertainment Weekly publishes (now most likely deleted or strongly edited) videointerview with Jensen talking about wanting to have a keepsake of sorts. So he had a crew member record the confession scene with his phone, unadulterated, unedited, with no music. To remember it as Jensen and Misha's last moment on set, not Dean and Cas' final goodbye. Says they had a few takes, some more emotional than others. And that some things they recorded were cut. Unlikely he'll ever publish it, as it is his personal keepsake. In same interview he say that Kripke was the one to convince him that Dean's ending was good and Jensen should think about how fans would react to it

The 19th of November - The Episode That Must Not Be Named airs and is bad, and instead of a long episode we got one shorter than the rest of season finales and a documentary. Canons were not confirmed on screen (Destiel and Seileen). Subplot not resumed. No reunion with supporting characters, nor with Cas or Jack. People angry. Cast silent

Multiple charity projects as an act of rage against c*w started hours after finale

The 22nd of November - Misha saying that Cas had rainbow wings

Inbetween events anger, sadness, fix-it fics, jackles' silence, and conspiracy theories

The 24th of November - Destiel canon again but in Spanish - causes tumblr servers to shut down

"#They silenced you" twitter campaign

The 25th of November - Indian Netflix edit

The 26th of November - Misha is talking about rogue translator, and makes people angry. Apologises later that day and promises to listen to criticism. Misha remains the only one till date to address criticism at all

The 27th of November - The alleged leaked Italian dub tricks people into thinking that there was 2nd dub reciprocation on Dean’s part

The 28th of November - People freaking out because Obama followed stan twitter acc

The 30th of November - Italian dub (ofc) fake

Brazilian dub - speculations that Dean said something in ending scene, but those were only added sounds of birds tweeting

People continue freaking out cause Heller Obama

The 30th of November - Sarah Z uploads her Destiel/SPN video to youtube

The 5th of December - Misha announced fundraising for voting rights with cast and Stacey Abrams, and people were wondering what will happen, Destiel gets own ship category in hellsite's 2020 year in review

The 7th of December - info about Misha's nude photo floods hellsite, people making fanarts furiously

The 8th of December - Mini reversed Mishapocalypse - Misha allegedly has secret tumblr acc so everyone in here could be Misha. People frantically asking stans if they are Misha

Misha stirs the pot by tweeting about wild questions, weird acting choices, and cut scenes

The 8th of November (the evening) - meeting very uneventful, people tad bit dissatisfied, but in bloopers Jensen is making a joke about bottoming (or so I am told) . OH, and they were telling very weird story about Jared giving massage to Sebastian Roche

The 9th of December - Jensen allegedly states that Dean is bi and a bottom, no clear source tho, probably fake. End of Heller Obama

The 10th of December - denial that The Episode That Must Not Be Named even happened, shipping Jenmish as coping mechanism. Misha praised "castiel project" on Trevorproject and people thought that he donated 1000 bucks (but it was a big-hearted fan - we love ya)

The 10th/11th of December - Taylor Swift drops new album and people are looking for Destiel subtext - unconfirmed Heller Swift. And Stacey Abrams liked the ending (good for her)

The 11th of December - possible 3rd canon Destiel, because of script suggesting that something didn't make it to the final cut, but the authenticity is hard to define. Script hinting at romantic feelings at Cas' part including his POV "Still beautiful. Still Dean Winchester"

Authenticity of script confirmed by Adam Williams, of all people, who goes unhinged, for like 10 hours, on twitter after that.(The origin story of stuff like "pesky danglers", "New universes created if they'd kiss", "drunken brojobs" and "Dean clearly is alfa male. But who knows, alfas are very generous). Jared was praising the finale.

The 12th of December - Destiel going canon (?) for the 4th time because of rogue Heller director of LatAm dub. In his interpretation Dean was bi, and in love with Cas, and the English scene version was too subtle for love this big and obvious. Whole dubbing crew had same standpoint, so they went with it. They denied that any kind of reciprocation was in original script, there was no other audio

The 13th of December - spn trending AGAIN because of LatAm dub actors panel. There were a lot of widely contradicting statements. It looks like there never was reciprocation in any of English sources, but we cannot be sure. There was "I too" in Hispanic script changed by director to more expressive, better fitting to mouth movement version. Whole cast was on board with that version. Warner Brothers either did not check what was on final tapes or did not care, not knowing what kind of chaos would that version unleash. They probably accepted the script with "i too" but for now it is not proven to be true nor false. Talks about interview with director himself

The 14th of December - discovery of new beer from Jensen's brewery, named "Eyes like the sky" with very flowery and fruity description. Wave of conspiracy theories stating that it is dedicated to Misha because of "11 Jenmish" anniversary. Very few reliable sources. Conspiracy, very improbable

The 15th of December - sheer pain and lil bit of PTSD drags tags from supernatural to trending yet again. Probably triggered by walker trending first. Or other unknown reason. Collective confusion keeps destiel tag on trending for a good part of a day. Fandom officially restored to 2012 state.

The 16th of December - I'm not going to try explaining that... Thing. No, I'm not mad at y'all. Just disappointed. The amount of freakout about BILL CLINTON IN 2020 is astounding. The cause better be forgotten. Jensen had to post a vid to calm you down a little (it mean he did post it, not that he posted it do distract us, that was a joke). And also you summoned to existence articles about the alleged scandal in mainstream media (Newsweek)

The 17th of December - SPN tags still trending because of the aftermath of Bill Clinton deal and Jensen’s thirst trap. Scripts from season 8 dug up. Stating that Dean and Benny “broke up” either confirming yet again Bi!Dean or blatant queerbaiting and queercoding. Misha publishes tweet related to bees (and uses Cas spelling instead of Cass), starting speculations about secret tumblr account yet again

The 18th of December - Misha addresses the Newsweek article on social media. Unknown what does he think about the whole business. Taggs Clinton and Levinsky.

The 20th of December - all supernatural materials and promos get deleted from c*w's websites (including youtube) due to licensing deals. Full rights went back to Warner Brothers that was landing the license to c*w (an I guess who later landed that license to Chaos Machine)

The 25th of December - people analysing purgatory prayer scene from 15x09, claiming that it contains barely audible "I love you" that coincidentally or not gives a new meaning to the whole 09-18 Cas-Dean dynamic (and it even makes more sense that way)

The 31st of December - Mishapocalypse 2.0 has been started and was raging, taking spn to trending for the last time this year

The 3rd of January - Jim Michaels tweets photo from the finale, with caption that provoked people to comment with their critical opinions. Michaels blocks a lot of people that were criticising the finale (not only people that were hateful but also constructive criticism). That ignites a fair amount of drama on both platforms. Michaels likes antiheller tweets from w*ncest and b*bro accounts

The 6th of January - spn trending under US politics because of chaos surrounding Georgia election and insurrection in Washington

The 10th of January - hate speedrun with Greg Hopwood as a target - people in a span of 24 hours since the moment he confirmed that he supports destiel proceeded to spam his posts, demand his resignation (he’s a costume concept designer for the Boys), spam Kripke and other directors, and finished on a death threats sent via social media

The 11th of January - Jensen wins best actor in horror series Critics Choice Super Award, He thanks Jared and the whole crew

The 12th of January - Fandom loses it a little bit after Jensen thanks Mish and Dee on instagram

The 13th of January - Supernatural is officially the most streamed horror show of 2020 with over 20 billion streamed minutes. It’s ranked on 7th place overall

The 15th of January - interview with Jared for Variety is published. It consists of a few bad takes but also reveals that Eileen wasn’t Sam’s wife in any of the scripts he got. That triggers discussion about C*W’s misogyny and disabled representation erasure, as well as treatment of BIPOC representation in mainstream media overall. Leads to reevaluation od Jared’s standpoints and past actions taking place for next few days

The 19th of January - Chaos Machine productions gains official instagram profile and over 4k followers in one day

The 20th of January - hellers and Gen Padalecki getting blamed for rather bad reviews of Walker

The 21st of January - Walker premiers. Internet community not very enthusiastic

The 23rd of January - theories about new Family Business Beer Co. "Rainbow Road", and spam under instagram posts result in site partially disabling the comments

The 24th of January - celebration of Dean's birthday via social media and zoom. Chad Lindberg organises Harvella Roadhouse party via twitter. Gets adopted by fandom

The 26th of January - Kings of Con podcast with Misha premieres. People baffled by the lack of mentions of supernatural

The 2nd of February - twitter drama with Jim Michaels gets reignited. Discovery of Sky Deutchland instagram post listing Dean as Cas' closest kin

The 3rd February - growing interest in Chad Lindberg's roadhouse idea

The 4th of February - group of twitter fans starts first real steps into fan reshoot of the finale. As of now the state of the project is unclear

The 7th of February - Misha's space pants get auctioned off, which kick-start a project to get those pants back to him

The 9th of February - premiere date for full 15 seasons box set gets announced

The 13th of February - Kripke reveals that in his vision Sam and Dean were always supposed to die in the end

The 14th of February - fandom celebrates Destiel wedding on both twitter and tumblr. It trends worldwide for long hours on bird app

The 16th of February - fallout with Chad Lindberg and Samantha Ferris after some very bad takes coming from them, one of which was that queer reading would damage the integrity of the story

The 20th of February - tumblr meltdown that escaped containment pushed Steve Yockey into acknowledging it by saying he is in fact not dead

The 28th of February - Kim Rhodes states that she didn't watch nor she's going to watch the finale

The 1st of March - celebration of Jensen's birthday

The 3rd of March - german dub of 15x19 drops. It is romantic as well

The 5th-7th of March - first online con after the finale takes place. The reactions to the way the con was conducted as well as to its actual contents are very mixed. It invokes very strong feelings

The 9th of March - Misha joins Cameo as an effort to fund his community messages. Acknowledges "CastielMatters" hashtag and says that "Actually, CastielEnergies"

The 10th of March - premiere of 15x18 with french dub. Destiel proclaimed canon yet again thanks to more romantic reading visible in the translation. Wanek's book available for preorders. Website containing Dabb's letter that confirmed the big Harvella's reunion party that got scrapped due to covid

The 13th of March - Misha tweets at amazon about shipping. A clearly not serious thing. Shitstorm rages through the fandom

The 14th of March - Misha deletes the tweet and apologises for his joke

The 16th of March - fans publish cameo with Misha saying "still beautiful, still Dean Winchester" in Cas voice

The 17th of March - fandom celebrates Seileen wedding

The 20th of March - 2nd "still beautiful, still Dean Winchester" drops

The 21st of March - Saileen wedding celebra this time on twitter

The 23rd of March - more twitter drama involving Samantha Ferris and Bi!Dean

The 31st of March - a fragment of 15x19 script with Jack's prayer gets leaked

The 1st of April - Mishapocalypse reenactment

The 4th of April - cameo with Misha reciting deleted bit from 05x04 The End gets published

The 7th of April - whole leaked last drafts for 15x19 and 15x20 are published. Number of cut and omitted scenes astounds fandom

The 10th-11th of April - Paris DarkLight Conline 2 takes place

The 13th of April - twitter drama between Jared, people critical of him and his fans

The 18th of April - 2nd draft for Tombstone gets published, reveals copious amounts of subtext consciously written into the text

The 22nd of April - fandom celebrates Midam wedding

The 25th of April - Q&A with Jerry Wanek, set designer takes place. He confirms that ever human who died was supposed to be at the Harvella's roadhouse

The 26th of April - Misha sighting on oscar gala causes a healthy dose of positive chaos

The 2nd of May - fandom celebrates Sam's birthday

The 8th of May - DarkLight Conline 2 takes place

The 10th of May - footage from online con gets shared. Asked if Berens and him experienced any pushback regarding 15x18 says no, they were gradually clueing more and more people - most likely in fear of said pushback

The 15th of May - Galaxy Con Online takes place

The 18th of May - fandom celebrates Jack's 4th birthday

The 20th of May - stuff from the box set gets shared for promotional purposes

The 21st of May - even more stuff from the box set gets shared through official channels

The 22nd of May - full gag reel and deleted scenes from season 15 are published

The 23rd of May - featurette from the box set gets leaked. Fandom very unhappy with its content. Featured cast and crew give contradicting testimonies. More deleted scenes are published

The 25th of May - the box set officially premieres

The 18th of June - Russian dub of 15x18 gets published. It as well is more romantic than the original

The 25th of June - first info regarding prequel produced by Ackles' production company gets published. It confirms that they were in the process of acquiring rights to the series. The series itself is said to center around Mary and John and it would be narrated by Dean. And former spn writer Robbie Thompson will be involved in writing it.That reveal leads to Jared's twitter meltdown and possibly still ongoing fallout between J2.

The 26th of June - Jensen says there will be no retconning in the series

The 30th of June - Misha posts pick of cas with rainbow wings for coming to an end pride month

The 6th of July - Great Dadstiel Wars wreck havoc on the webbed site

The 16th of July - Perfume Genius shares a self-insert fanfiction starring Jensen Ackles

The 19th of July - Fandom celebrates Jared's birthday

The 2nd of August - Perfume Genius shares next one of his fanfictions in "I slept with all actors in spn series" series. This time starring Jared

The 9th of August - Castiel/Dean Winchester tag crosses a threshold of 100k fics on Archive Of Our Own webbed site, as a very first fic in history. Misha acknowledges that colossal event as well

The 11th of August - fandom creates hate askbloghs. For homebrew drama

The 20th of August - fandom celebrates Misha's birthday as well as return of in-person cons

The 2nd of September - Misha posts on his tiktok acc for the very first time. Causes chaos

The 3rd of September - Jake Abel launches his ad campaign for hot sauce. Employs Michael's and Adam's characters

The 4th-5th of September - Momento Con takes place

The 9th of September - dubbed 15x18 premieres in Italy. Unlike its fake counterpart from December it is very sonservative with its Iloveyou's opting for platonic version. This draws Misha's attention, and he publishes short video with his own "ti amo"

The 13th of September - anniversary of airing of the very first spn episode

The 17th-18th of September - Fan X Comic Convention takes place

The 18th of September - Fandom celebrates Cas Day/Cas' Birthday, commemorating his first appearance on the show

The 25-26th of September - UK Crossroads Con takes place

The 5th of October - Misha complains about the pain of playing in a queerbaiting show. Basically calling out supernatural on its queerbaiting

The 12th of October - Misha's poetry book, containing one poem from Cas' POV, officially premieres

The 15th-17th of October - Denver Con takes place. J2M reunite for the first time since march 2020. The highest of highs and lowest of lows

The 19th of October - The cule launches a emails writing campaign aimed at creation entertainment, taking a stance against censorship on their cons. The answer from creation being basically "we are not homophobic, we can't be homophobic, my son is trans and he works with us. Any eventual censorship is on the volunteers

The 4th of November - fandom celebrates eve of Destiel anniversary

The 5th of November 2021 - fandom celebrates one year anniversary of canon destiel. Loudly and unabashedly. Trying to revive the spirit of that night and reminiscing the events of last year

The 19th of November 2021 - fandom commemorates the first anniversary of cursed finale

Last updated: 31st December 2021

Thanks for the the info on the things that I’ve missed to: @clarasmoon @lostboyfromneverland5 @antifacas and @sinnabonka

And shout-out:

To the people who leaked 15x18 script (unfortunately i don’t know who you are)

To people who’ve put together 8h edit of Destiel scenes - @gaIlaghcr at twitter.com (go there for links)

To people studying confession scene with math and 3d models (can’t find ya, so can someone put a link below)

To everyone donating to charity out of sheer rage

Sources: tumblr hellsite dot com, twitter, instagram, mainstream media (pink news, newsweek and rest)

I for sure forgot about something, sooo tag me in other posts? Dm me, comment?

2K notes · View notes

hollenka99 · 3 years

Text

2020, According To My Tumblr Archive

January

Like many, freaked out about the Dhawan!Master reveal

Unus Annus reached 2 million subs

Ethan finally saw his sub count reach 1 million

Reblogged the elf pussy post with a version of the elf practice meme and now every time I see that meme, I think of that post

Finally made my Dyspraxic!Chase post

Fleshed out Creator!Jackie a little in terms of Nyesha (his girlfriend) and his prosthetics

February

Got really into Take Me or Leave Me for a short while which led to me watching RENT for the first time

Finally made that follow up to A Talk With The Creator I’d been meaning to write for months (aka A Day Long Overdue)

Started posting Unus Annus trigger warnings for a few weeks after the video where they demonstrate how they’d kill each other as a joke

Reached the 100 follower milestone after nearly 4 years on this site

Got very into WTNV again and binged like 60+ episodes in the space of 2 or so weeks

March

Watched Starkid’s Black Friday

Posted The Doctor on the anniversary of The Friend’s posting

Made some posts about the women of TLoJJ for International Women’s Day

Bupine received an anon ask teasing her about a typo which is common in our friendship group. Usual suspects were accused until the true culprit revealed themself via an acrostic (aka me being extra and I loved every second of it)

Went to the cat cafe in Nottingham

Made sure people were aware of World Puppetry Day by sending anon asks to people I thought might get a kick out of it

Posted Fighting Stolen Breaths

Steven Universe Future ended

Having been in the beginning stages of creation since ~Oct 2019, Jumbled AU content starts appearing

April

Spent the 1st doing an ask event for the Jumbled AU as a way of properly introducing it

Confused a bunch of people outside the Jacksepticeye community when I made a post saying how great it was that $400k had been raised in 2.5 hours during the HopeFromHome stream

Posted The Vlogger for Chase’s birthday

Got hyped to write a Śmigus Dyngus fic featuring Jumbled!Chase and his kids but got sick (regular illness, don’t worry) and therefore never finished it

Norbert Moses existed for 24 hours but he will exist much longer in our hearts

Managed to stay up to see 4:20am on April 20th

Posted the prologue and officially began the story of Jumbled

Watched Ghost for the first time

May

Fanders finally got the continuation of Selfishness vs Selflessness (Putting Others First aka SvS Redux) and learned Deceit’s name

Started talking about The Fall of Naesia

Pretty sure I hyperfixated on Queen for a week or so

Got introduced to ‘Storp Chorleigh, this game has gorn on lawng enuff’ and my life has significantly improved

CumGate happened

Got into ATLA

Black Lives Matter

Created the ‘it’s gonna be gay’ post that would destroy my inbox for the next few days

Had my first experience behind a wheel

June

Posted Flag, the response to which has made me proud of it

Poland scares and disappoints me part 1 (queer rights edition)

Sean posts another blooper video which causes me to make edits that subsequently inspire me to write Little Interruptions

Created an entire mythology purely because I thought a winged humanoid/merperson pairing was a cool concept

Reminded my friends why I should never be allowed to stay up until 4am because I just start talking nonsense

July

Finally watched An Inspector Calls and immediately wanted to make a Sanders Sides au with it.

Started talking about Creator again

Had another ask event to celebrate Jackie’s birthday

Also posted Photographs for his birthday which I love

Reached 150 followers around the middle of this month, I think

Discovered Kipo but wouldn’t fall for it head over heels with it for another month

One Direction celebrated their 10th anniversary and I was possessed by my 15 year old self for a week

Posted The Mediary which properly brought Creator AU back to my blog for a short while

August

Eddsworld came back after years

Posted The Creator and officially completed the main part of the au

Poland scares and disappoints me part 2 (queer rights edition continued)

Finally revealed Jumbled Anti’s identity to the world and got threatened on my birthday because of it

Discovered the Unus Annus video I’d been waiting all year for would be centered around them chewing on dog toys but it did feature “I’m the Unus to your Annus” so that was cool

Binged the first 2 seasons of Kipo in like a day and correctly predicted the Mega Monkey’s identity ages with very little foreshadowing to go off of

September

Started showing my love for Puppet History

Among Us was a thing

Got back into Playchoices

BBC Ghosts came back for series 2

Watched Pride twice in 24 hours and made sure everyone knew I’m heart eyes for it

October

Trump got sick

Family friend took one of my teeth

The world was blessed with Patton in a dress

Replayed Septiscape ahead of Soulscape’s release and liveblogged it

C!Thomas got a love interest and I’m really happy for him

Kipo season 3 came out

Literally the next day, the Dream SMP brainrot officially began

Discovered Thanzag existed and fell for the angsty side of their relationship despite knowing barely anything about the game

Poland scares and disappoints me part 3 (abortion edition)

Started bingeing The Magnus Archives and got through 150 episodes in about 2 weeks

Halloween was an eventful night for both the Jacksepticeye and Unus Annus communities

November

Unus Annus began its epilogue period

Watched V For Vendetta for the first time which was probably the least eventful thing to happen on the night of November 5th 2020

Destiel became somewhat canon and people found out Putin was thinking of resigning because of that

US elections

Unus Annus died following a 12 hour livestream

Somehow, my mad attempt to summarise every video of Unus Annus kinda paid off

Supernatural trended again because of its finale

Went through a period of questioning whether I’m asexual but settled on ‘sex ambivalent allosexual’ for now

Destiel became canon again but reciprocated and Spanish this time

Discovered Webtoon and Castle Swimmer

December

The monolith saga began

Elliot Page came out as trans

Mark went to hospital for an obstruction again and the community became very invested in his recovery process

Scotch eggs with your drinks became a brief meme over here in Britain

Your New Boyfriend was released

Destiel’s canon status was brought back to the spotlight once more

Watched The Godfather for the first time

Reached 200 followers

We got somewhat of a Dan and Phil video after so long with Phil trying on clothes while Dan reacts behind the camera

BBC Ghosts came back for Christmas to say Tories suck and you should make the most of your time with your family

Got into Mother Mother after Wilbur played the intro to Hayloft and I decided to see what the fuss was about

Watched Bridgerton and immediately felt the need to write something historical

The Mishapocalypse returned

#holly talks #2020 #year in review

6 notes · View notes

currantlee · 3 years

Text

German Postillon articles about the US Election translated

@theeeveetamer sent me this post in which someone translated German Postillon headlines about the US Election. Der Postillon is a German satire website disguised as a newspaper, kind of the German equivalent to The Onion.

So, I translated one of the articles for her and it was really, really fun. So I thought I might do more and share it on my blog so hopefully more people can have a laugh!

But first of all...

Gotta keep the American Spirit on this blog everyone!

Before I continue though: Please keep in mind that the Postillon is a satire website! None of the news in this post are actually true, it’s just meant to have a good laugh. I am repeating this again: none of these are actually real! I also want to make clear that none of those were written by me, I merely translated them! Credit to all the original texts and pictures goes to the Postillon. Except for the American flag. Credit to flickr for that one.

Anyways, let’s go and hopefully have some laughs.

Experts are certain that Donald Trump is going to win the Election because 2020 has been a shitty year so far anyways

Washington D.C. – Joe Biden hopes to put an end to Trump’s presidency after four years: he is clearly ahead in the polls on this Election Day. Despite that, most experts are sure that Trump will win – because so far, 2020 has been a shitty year anyways!

“If you look at the average of the national polls, Joe Biden is currently more than 8% ahead of Trump,” politic scientist Marianne Waters from the renowned Princeton University explains. “This means that his lead is way greater than Hillary Clinton’s in 2016. Under normal circumstances, you’d say that he’s already won the Election.”

She pauses for a second. “But now, please think about what a fucked up mess of a year 2020 has been so far! And then, think again about whether or not the American people are that fucked up in their brains to elect this human catastrophic failure for four more years! We’re talking about a year in which a global pandemic is going rampant across the planet anyways, we’re seeing islamistic and nazi terror attacks at the daily and entire havens are exploding ‘completely by accident’! Is there anybody who seriously believes in a sensible result of this election?!”

At least, scientists aren’t fully ruling out the possibility of Biden winning the Election. However, because this is 2020, the chance of an asteroid hitting the earth five minutes after this has happened is nothing but small.

– Der Postillon, 3rd of November 2020 (Original title: Experten sicher, dass Trump gewinnen wird, weil 2020 eh schon ein Scheißjahr ist). Translated by Seaberry Siren

“Oh Shit!” – Putin completely forgot to manipulate the US Election

Moskow – How can one be so scatterbrained! Wladimir Putin just realized to his very own horror that he completely forgot to manipulate the US Election. Now, his candidate Donald Trump is in trouble.

“Bljad! {T/N: Russian for “crap”} I knew I forgot something really important!”, Putin says. “But due to all the inner politics, the corona virus and all the other countries our hackers need to manipulate elections in, I totally forgot about the United States! This is just great!”

He turns to his assistant. “Dima! USA! Can we turn something around there? ... No? ... Really?! And if we deliver arms to the... How are those guys called again... Proud Boys? WHAT?! They already have enough of those?!? Oh well.”

However, in the end, Putin puts up with the situation after all: “Ah, we’ll see. Maybe everything will turn out fine one way or another.” He turns to his assistant again: “Dima, make an appointment with Donald Trump jr. as soon as possible! I heard he is is just as dumb as his father and has political ambitions as well. We’ll survive Biden until 2024.”

– Der Postillon, 4th of November 2020 (Original title: “Ach Kacke!” – Putin hat völlig vergessen, US-Wahlen zu manipulieren). Translated by Seaberry Siren with help from Theeeveetamer

Employees of the Oval Office try to stop Trump from tweeting “CIVIL WAR!!!! Kill all Democrats!”

Washington D.C. – While votes are still being counted all over the USA, dramatic scenes start to unfold in the White House. Currently multiple employees are trying to prevent President Donald Trump from grabbing his smartphone in order to tweet the words “CIVIL WAR!!!! Kill all Democrats!”.

“No Mr. President!”, an assistant shouts as she holds Trump’s arm. “Don’t do this! I have a family! I don’t want a civil war! Jack, restrain him, damnit! Anna, don’t stand there and stare so stupidly, help us! Ian, put his smartphone as far away as you can!”

In the meantime, countless citizens of the USA are wondering why Trump didn’t tweet anything for more than seven hours.

“Leave me alone!”, Trump cries as he desperately tries to reach his smartphone. “They want to steal my election by letting every vote count! Even those of the Democrats! I WANT TO SEE BLOOD!!!”

Meanwhile, outside of the White House, more and more people are speculating that Trump could accept a possible loss due to his silence on Twitter.

– Der Postillon, 4th of November 2020 (Original title: Mitarbeiter versuchen Trump davon abzuhalten, "CIVIL WAR!!!! Kill all Democrats!" zu twittern). Translated by Seaberry Siren

Not that as well! Half-Blind 100-year-old man who counts all the votes by his own dies of old age

Harrisburg – Oh no! Everything is going to take even longer now! James Reed, the 100-year-old man tasked with counting all the votes of the US Election surprisingly just died.

“Maybe it wasn’t such a great idea to task one man of his age with the counting of millions of votes,” the chief of the Electoral Office stated. “Unfortunately, he was the only one with a license for this important job.”

After the closing of the polling stations, Reed, who was responsible for counting the votes since the 1970s, traveled from state to state in order to count all the votes.

“He took his job very seriously. He’d often take 20 minutes in order to count a single vote,” an election assistant recalls as tears of gried run over her cheeks. “But just after he counted 92% of the votes at Michigan, he suddenly fell from his chair.”

The doctor who was called immediately could only confirm the death of the 100-year-old man.

The worst part is that Reed didn’t get to name a successor before his passing. This is why the authorities are desperately searching for a new person able to lift sheets of paper, read printed letters, ánd count one by one at the same time. Due to the American education system, this is going to be a challenge {T/N: Germans throwing a bit of shade here when their own education system isn’t something to be proud on either}.

– Der Postillon, 4th of November 2020 (Original title: Auch das noch! Halbblinder 100-Jähriger, der allein alle US-Stimmen auszählt, an Altersschwäche gestorben). Translated by Seaberry Siren

US Election: Trump lies way out in front

Washington D.C. – A good chunk of the votes of the US Election have been counted by now and there seems to be a trend: Donald Trump clearly lies way out in front! As expected, the President of the United States is taking the lead in the traditionally Republican states. But even in the Swing States, he already sees himself as the winner, even if it’s only with very little sanity.

“Trump clearly lies way out in front,” the politics expert Dean Jefferson affirms. “As in: he stands in front of an audience and lies their heads off!”

Many didn’t expect that Trump could lie way out in front this comfortably at this point of the cote count. Other less optimistic individuals had predicted a neck-and-airhead race {T/N: in German that’s Kopf-an-Hohlkopf-Rennen, literally head-on-airhead race} from the beginning.

– Der Postillon, 5th of November 2020 (Original title: US-Wahl: Trump lügt vorne). Translated by Seaberry Siren

Damned mess of a US Election STILL isn’t over!

Washington D.C. – FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE!!! At some point, enough is enough, isn’t it? The damned mess of a US Election STILL isn’t over after three days of counting the votes because the people in some Federal States apparently can’t manage to count the ballots!

Seriously: can they even count at all? Didn’t they know that the voters like to turn their ballots in with a vote on them and that you have to count these votes in order to determine a winner?!?

An average election of the Federal Congress {T/N: they mean the German Federal Congress, also known as the Bundestag} is finished, predicted and decided one second after closing the polling stations {T/N: Yes, German elections are that boring}. An official end result is provided in the next morning at the latest! How in the world can the Americans be trundle as fuck like this?!?

Suggestion: we ignore the entire shitshow over there for the next few weeks until those idiots have punched their faces in and once the victor is clear, there is one short headline: “Winner of the US Election: [insert winner’s name here]”. Then this whole crap would... WHAT?? Biden takes the lead at Georgia by 900 votes? Wowowowow! Just a moment please, I’ll have a look at the livetracker. Did CNN already comment on this? Nate Silver already tweeted as well... This has to be it for Biden! Now it can’t take much longer!

OH MY GOD, HOW EXITING!!!

– Der Postillon, 6th of November 2020 (Original title: Verdammte Drecks-US-Wahl immer noch nicht zu Ende!). Translated by Seaberry Siren

“If I can’t have it, then nobody will!” – Trump sets the White House on fire

Washington D.C. – A victory of Joe Biden in the US election is becoming more and more likely. But the answer to the question whether the Democrat is really going to move into the White House could be decided by a completely different factor than the votes – because apparently, Donald Trump is trying to burn the White House down now.

“If I can't have it, then nobody will!”, the US President says as he spreads gasoline at strategic points while he starts laughing manically: “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Shortly after, the Oval Office is up in flames. “Let’s see how Sleepy Joe will rule from a burned-down ruin!”, Trump exclaims with a shrill voice as he adds more fuel to the fire. “AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Burn, my little fire, burn!”

Directly before publishing this article, Trump realized that this wasn’t the best idea as he cut off his own escape route with the last bits of the fuel. “Oh! So this wasn’t very clever... IVANKAAAAAAA!! The Democrats set me on fire! Rescue the best president of all time!!!”

– Der Postillon, 6th of November 2020 (Original title: “Wenn ich es nicht haben kann, soll es keiner haben! – Trump setzt Weißes Haus in Brand). Translated by Seaberry Siren

"Enough!” – The Queen reclaims the United States for the British Empire

London – She’s got enough of this nonsense! Queen Elizabeth II. announced the return of the United States to the British Empire. A new, freshly assigned gouverneur will arrive in Washington shortly and take over the government business.

“We have been watching this unworthy ham without doing anything for far too long,” the Queen declared in a fiery speech. “It is time to return the colony where it belongs: into the lap of the United Kingdom. The experiment is hereby ended.”

Shortly after, the British Navy occupied important havens at the East Coast. On friday afternoon, Baltimore, Boston, Philadelphia and Miami had already been seized.

Apparently months of the global pandemic, national economic instability and a tiring election campaign did the trick: a wide range of the US population greeted the British soldiers euphorically and vowed to be loyal to the British Crown. “Long live the Queen!”-chants echoed through the streets.

Washington D.C. is still in the hands of the rebels lead by Donald Trump. However, observers believe that the British troops will seize the capital next week. According to the Queen’s orders, Trump will be put into chains and brought to Great Britain by ship in order to spend the rest of his days in the Tower of London by water and bread.

– Der Postillon, 6th of November 2020 (Original title: “Jetzt reicht’s!” – Queen unterstellt USA wieder der Britischen Krone). Translated by Seaberry Siren

#Politics #Satire #Translation #US Election 2020 #USA #Donald Trump #Joe Biden #Wladimir Putin #Queen Elizabeth II.#German #German Humor #Humor #SeaSi translates

3 notes · View notes