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gayleviticus · 1 year

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Edward, Lust and Scar for the ask game 👀

EDWARD ELRIC

fav thing: I love his relationship w al and how deeply the two of them care for each other but also sometimes clash, but I also love how much 03 ed just sees things he wants to see and ignores what he doesn't or what makes life harder. in a lot of ways ways he's incredibly courageous and tenacious so his willingness to just ignore uncomfortable truths is really interesting; the way he insists the slicer brothers are people because otherwise it means al isn't and his brother is dead vs how he insists sloth Isn't Human because otherwise it means they fucked up real bad trying to transmute trisha

least favourite thing: fmab ed LOL. if I'm sticking to 03... hmm... idk. him telling Claus in the majhal episode she looks better in girlmode idk

favourite line: 'there's no such thing as a war that has nothing to do with us' is such a key moment showcasing his character growth and exemplifying how war, the philosophers stone, alchemy, prosperity are all largely the same thing

brotp: ed and al!!!! and to a lesser extent ed and winry altho I think then being estranged on friendly terms is such a big part of 03 brotp is a little awkward label

otp: not ride or die but I think Russell x ed is funny as hell especially alongside ed X fletcher

notp: incest and age gap stuff aside I don't like edwin at all lol

random headcanon: ditching school for alchemy study at like age 10 makes him really smart in some ways and shockingly ignorant in others (but this largely doesn't matter in our world anyway since it's all new to him regardless)

unpopular opinion: 03 ed >>> bh ed ig? edwin is boring? don't think I have 03 specific ones (ie controversial among 03 fans)

fav picture: this is a tough one bc I have too many... think I have to go w this one

LUST

fav thing: I don't know where to start!! her compelling sympathetic but also complicated and ambiguous relationship to who she is and being human, the way she gets fleshed out and humanised but not in a tidy redemption arc, the way she's striving for something she arguably already has if she just stopped buying into the lie of her own inhumanity

least fav thing: I wish we got more of her but also part of why she's soo good is that the narrative cuts off at exactly the right moment so. idk. more of her alternate self in COS maybe lol. (the cheap answer here is just 'mangahood lust' lmao)

fav line: I don't remember the exact line but when ed is like 'why would you want to be something as boring as human?' and she says 'why does your brother want his brother back? it's the same'

brotp: HER AND GLUTTONY!!! I love how even as aimplistic a character gluttony is they still make him shine w his genuine grief for her.

otp: scarlust!! tbh I think part of the appeal of their relationship is they don't know what they are or what they represent to each other or where to pick up and they don't have enough time anyway, so I hesitate to brand it an otp as such, but I also don't think it's anywhere near as juicy if there's zero romantic tension

notp: nothing really, I mean anything outside scarlust and maybe lust/sloth just seems like a crackship lol

random headcanon: she may not always show it but she deeply values her odd friendship w gluttony enough simply because he's the only person to show her our e, unconditional friendship since she became a homunculus (not really a headcanon lol more an interpretation of the text I feel but anyway)

unpopular opinion: I dunno lol I think even mangahood fans agree 03 lust is superior

fav picture: I like her chibi from the shamballa wrap party

SCAR

fav thing: I love how if you just rely on lazy tropes its tempting to write off scar as scary religious fundamentalist only killing alchemists bc alchemy is a sin even tho he's a hypocrite, and then it's like, wait he's fighting back against a genocidal military dictatorship. you can mourn that he's had to go this far and question if his methods work, but he's definitely an anti hero in 03. and also we as an audience are allowed the room to think scar is actually right where ed is wrong or naive!!

least fav thing: again basically same as lust. I guess I wish we had a few more scar and lust interactions but even then it's the same thing of like, their relationship is so compelling bc there's so little time and so many pieces to pick up

favourite line: when he tells lust he wants to help the elrics because he regrets never telling his brother he loved him 🥺🥺

brotp: him and alphonse!!! it's so cute and wonderful to see this outwardly gruff and tormented but deeply bave man made an outcast by the state bonding with this sweet gentle metal boy

otp: scarlust for reasons as above

notp: nothing in particular but I truly cannot imagine anything that's not scarlust

random headcanon: he likes cats too

unpopular opinion: let me not say anything abt fmab... again idk lol for anything 03 specific (that isnt just '03 > fmab'). 03 fans simply perceive truth directly

fav picture: chibi wrap party is the only one I have I'm sorry king its 99% ed and al pics

#thanks for the ask!#fma 03 #asks #my posts #tumblr no naku koro ni answer arcs

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ticklepinions · 2 years

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Hi! Hope you're doing well. I just came for advice ig? I saw another blog I follow get a really disturbing ask and it made me really uncomfortable. Long story short it was about the ler being very controlling and domineering. To the point where the "Lee" was getting their boundaries crossed. Idk what my question is exactly just curious on your thoughts?

Heyo. Very long winded answer under the cut. I encourage everyone to read though.

Warning: consent being ignored. Mentions of kink terminology

TL;DR Remember people are human. They aren't just what they can do for you. Their wants and desires are just as important as your own. Communication is key as usual. Be upfront with what you want and expect in the relationship (platonic or romantic). Being ticklish doesn't mean you want to be tickled/teased. If people get angry at you for setting boundaries that is a big red flag, you deserve to have your consent respected.

I think I have a feeling about which ask it was. Yeah. It made me angry. I said it once and I'll say it again.

Being a lee does not mean you're inherently submissive and feminine.

Being a ler does not mean you're inherently dominant and masculine.

Can you be? Sure, but the roles don't need to be boiled down to those specific categories.

I've never actually had a "session" before and I'm sure they're other blogs who have great advice you can check out.

In my opinion, consent should never be crossed. The "Lee" has all the power over their own body. If they say do not tickle me there. Guess what? You're not tickling them there. If they are uncomfortable with restraints or tools, you guessed it, you aren't involving any of those elements.

And people like to, for lack of a better word, groom others into doing what they want to do. They pretend like they want to "help" you get over your fear but really they just have ulterior motives. Lees become nothing but a tool for the ler's pleasure and that is a big red flag.

Alternatively, Lees shouldn't be forcing lers to do things they're uncomfy with.

I get it. Setting boundaries is hard. Especially with people who may push back, sometimes unintentionally. I thought I was a pro at consent stuff but I found out I suck. And it's okay, I'm still learning. I'm a people pleaser so I have a tendency to ignore my own personal boundaries just to ensure the other person is happy. And I try to be mindful of when I get into those moods. Sometimes you really just have to remove yourself from the situation, take a step back and reassess.

As a switch, it is such a problem. I know I have multiple posts of how ticklish I am, but get this:

Being ticklish does not mean I want to be tickled/teased.

I don't like being tickled by people I don't know or can't trust with my body. I am ticklish yes, very much so, but it should be enjoyable for me as it is for you. I've had several encounters with people who just don't respect that. I try my best to communicate that while I may be ticklish, at the end of the day, I am most comfortable doing a majority of the tickling. But I understand. As a switch it's difficult. We all have different needs right? I've messed up before when it comes to trying to sway people into a Lee or Ler mood. It happens sometimes, it starts out as teasy and fun then you realize that you might be coaxing this person (in the wrong way) into a mood they weren't in and didn't want to be in.

Communication is so incredibly important but extremely difficult at times. I find it harder to set boundaries with people I like because I want to keep them so to speak. But guess what!? I (and YOU) deserve relationships (p or r) that revolve around respecting each other's boundaries!

If someone EVER gets angry at you for having a boundary, RUN. That is some major toxic stuff right there. Like ofc, communicate that it's making you uncomfy because a lot of people just don't understand consent (it's actually pretty scary).

And the fact that being a Lee has somehow automatically translated to being submissive has really hurt this community imo. And what does society believe is the epitome of submissiveness? Femininity. Before joining the community I've been a lurker and the shit I have seen yo. Women both trans and cis have been preyed upon by, usually, cis men. People receiving unwanted teasy asks or sliding in their DMs etc. I remember seeing this one butthurt person being like "well she posted a tummy pic she basically asked for it". Like... People really think that. I don't want to open that can of worms but- damn bro.

But anyways back to communication. If you interact with a switch, and you are one yourself, be up front with what you want. An example would be a Ler-leaning switch and a lee-leaning. The ler/lean will have greater wants to do the tickling and the lee/lean will have greater wants to be tickled. If they both agree that they are okay with that relationship, great! However, if the ler/lean suggests they be the one being tickled that's a topic of discussion. Both parties should and must be willing. If the Lee/lean says they don't want to, then they don't want to. It's just important to establish that so people know what to expect ya know? Because one person won't be able to fulfill all your wants.

An example: You'll make friends who like the rougher side of tickles but they can't provide you the gentle tickles that you may crave. So you happen to make friends who are great at gentle tickles. One weekend you make feel like rough tickles the other gentle tickles, and you bounce back with the people who mutually agree with what you want at the time.

Same concept can apply to switches. There are gonna be people where you will win the tickle fights and like that dynamic. There are others where you will lose tickle fights and enjoy that dynamic. Lastly there are people where you will have a stalemate and find joy in that dynamic.

Example Convo between Switches

"So I know you're Ler-leaning, and you know I am lee-leaning"

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay with being tickled by me? There are times where I really want to tickle someone and I think you'd be fun to tickle."

"Hmm well I'm not sure, I think I prefer just being the tickler. I really appreciate you asking though!"

"Understandable! No problem at all"

Scenario 2

"*insert teasy words here*"

"Actually I'm not really feeling like a ler today. But I wouldn't mind if you tickled me if you're up for it"

"Oh sure no problem! Same safeword as last time?"

"Yes! Thanks friend"

#long post #important #tword community #twordpinion #tword

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tumbleringismycopingmechanism · 3 months

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17-38

17: Someone you miss

If you can miss people you've never met, then my friends on here. Otherwise not really anyone

18: Most traumatic experience

Find it a bit hard to choose, but I guess when my best friend turned into my worst enemy because I ruined her birthday

19: A fact about your personality

I'm not actually sure I have one

20: What I hate most about myself

Once again feels almost impossible to choose just one thing. For now I'd say my unwillingness to make changes just for my own sake

21: What I love most about myself

There's not really anything. At best I'm neutral about some stuff

22: What I want to be when I get older

If I wouldn't need to have a job where I make enough money to live I'd try being an artist. But as is I am not good enough to make any money with it. So far I don't really have any alternative that I think I'll be happy with, so I'm trying to figure out if it's worth being miserable...

23: My relationship with my sibling(s)

Okay ig

24: My relationship with my parent(s)

Okay ig

25: My idea of a perfect date

Everything that means I get to cuddle close to someone I love (so it's probably not a first date). Could be cuddling and watching a movie or out on a meadow, covered in a blanket and watching the stars

26: My biggest pet peeves

Don't really know from the top of my head; I'll usually only notice when confronted with them

27: A description of the girl/boy I like

The guy I like rn is pretty fat, has a sweet smile and usually pretty nails. He's sweet and kind to me, and patient, even when I don't deserve it. I'm not sure he likes me back though, at least not as much as I like him

28: A description of the person I dislike the most

Don't really have a single person that I dislike most. Generally dislike Nazis and other hateful people most

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend

To keep them from worrying

30: What I hate the most about work/school

That I'm not good enough to be good at it. Even if I ever managed to get all the learnable skills right, there are just some unlearnable skills that I don't have and never will and I feel like it will make my colleagues' and students' lives harder that I'm lacking them

31: What your last text message says

It's in German so I'll skip this one

32: What words upset me the most

Radio silence will upset me waaayyyy more than any words ever could

33: What words make me feel the best about myself

Words usually don't manage that; cuddling might, though I've never really had someone to cuddle with, so I don't know for sure

34: What I find attractive in women

I mean, I'm not really attracted to women so idk

35: What I find attractive in men

Looks: fat belly, thighs, moobs etc., stretchmarks, hair, kind eyes and a pretty smile, soft hands

Personality: kindness, wit, smarts, passion

36: Where I would like to live

No idea

37: One of my insecurities

My lack of emotional intelligence

38: My childhood career choice

When I was very young I wanted to be a singer/actress. When I was 11-ish I started wanting to become a teacher. Over the years the subjects changed but never the teacher part. Now that I'm almost finished getting my degree to become a teacher I wish I would at least have thought about other options

#me #asks #thanks for the asks #i love getting asks

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perhapsthanatos · 3 years

Text

10:32 pm with yuta ♡

nct’s yuta x fem!reader (got inspired by a dream of mine & found the idea really cute)

alternate title: be the james dean to my audrey hepburn

genre: fluff. a pinch of angst. non idol au. badboy!yuta au.

word count: 1400~

playlist: chinatown by wild nothing, lover’s rock by tv girl & work this time by king gizzard and the lizard wizard.

warnings: featuring johnny (not a warning though). smoking cigarettes. cursing. lowercase intended. not proofread.

a/n: hi i was supposed to post a vampire!haechan fic but i really wasnt happy w it in general :( the plot or overall idea of the fic was really good, but i just felt as if i didnt do it justice so here we are :( but ngl, i kind of like this concept more? maybe bc i can see it more vividly? idk, i feel like my writings r getting repetitive & its getting on my nerves lmaoo this is getting long im sorry do u guys even read this part anyway? i would also like to apologize abt the amount of projecting im doing lmao ive been having some rough days & i love my sister but hate being compared to her so often so this is a way for me to rant abt it ig? also so sorry its coming out a little later bc i woke up late today (& procrastinated for the rest of it so here i am posting really late at night) & decided to go to the convenience store to get ice cream (& a ton of other bad shit pls dont do this its rlly unhealthy) for breakfast bc i can :) any who, enjoy lovelies <3

“oh my, y/n! you’ve grown up so well! just like your sister!”

“oh! i’m sorry i’ve almost mistaken you for your sister! y/n is your name, correct?”

“y/n, darling, you are looking so dashing! you really do resemble your sister, don’t you?”

“ah, you must be y/n! i’ve heard all about you and your sister from your father!”

you swear that your reddening cheeks are threatening to fall off any moment now from all the fake smiling. the hundreds of superficial compliments, the insincere flattery and the need for these people to constantly compare you to your godforsaken sister makes you feel even weaker than you are. it gets harder and harder to keep up with a big persona that isn’t at all you. as lucky as you are to live such a lavish lifestyle, you can’t help but hate how your family has to be so perfect. you hate how you have never fit in with them, even if you are so good at faking it. you hate how you have always been stuck in your sister’s shadow, constantly haunted with the reminder that you yourself aren’t good enough. you hate how you now have to entertain the rich and brainless guests at your parent’s gala because she’s gone for some stupid prodigy competition and everyone is only talking about her in front of your face. so what if she’s better the better sister? you still have the right to earn respect, right?

you’re exhausted from all the small talk. your facade gets more brittle by the second under all the pressure. your body feels as if it's gonna give out due to your brain shutting down after all that interacting. you try to keep on going with the night as it unravels itself by being the perfectly poised poster child, trying to make your parents proud. but alive yet almost completely devoid, you decide enough was enough. what if you left right now? no one would notice, would they?

after pulling up your phone discreetly to send a few text messages, you pass through lots of people dressed in gold and finery in a way that wouldn’t have you noticed right away. keep your head down and don’t you dare make eye contact with anyone. nearing the end of the room, grabbing the first glass of whatever alcohol you see and downing it in one gulp, you start walking away as quickly as possible from the ballroom. “ignorant privileged fucks,” you angrily whisper to no one in particular, setting the now empty glass on whatever surface and begin to head to the main exit where no one could spot you running away.

“and what do you think you’re doing here, miss?”

a voice interrupts you, looking up you see that it is your father’s head butler; johnny. he is dressed in a simple black suit that makes him appear taller than he is. his long brown hair is slicked back and his bowtie seems brand new. you have known the man since he started working in your household less than ten years back. you were a reckless child, often trying to find ways to sneak out, finding a way to escape from this life and he sympathized with you. after all, he could barely imagine living your life, never catching a break for yourself and always pretending to be someone you weren’t. he often helped planning when you would sneak out into the night, scheduling things like what time you should leave and what time you should be back, more specifically a time when no one would notice. he would take care of your form of transportation and have your location on at all times, just to be extra safe. as much as he wants you to have fun and have a bit of freedom, he still worries that something might happen to you. because of all this, you two have grown to have a very strong bond. you could confidently say that he is most definitely a parental figure in your life since your parents (and even your sister) are often overseas for work.

“what do you think i’m doing? you think i wanna be in a room with those half-baked bipeds? fuck no!”

“i know, i was just joking. you looked like you were about to explode in there, i wish i could help.” he laughs, pulling out his phone preparing what you might need. “so what will it be for today? the driver? we just need to pay him to keep his mouth shut. a taxi? it’s cheaper than paying the driver, but you still need to pay… not like that’s a problem for you though. maybe an uber would be good enough—“

“actually, i got myself covered. thanks.”

his jaw slightly drops and his eyebrows furrow. he looks straight at you in shock. “what do you mean you got yourself covered?”

you look down at your feet, a nervous habit. “i got myself a ride, you don’t need to help me. i’ll be back as soon as dawn comes.”

he raises his eyebrow. “who’s your ride?”

“doesn’t matter,” you glance down at your phone seeing a notification and wave a goodbye, leaving rather suddenly. “i gotta go, i’ll text you when you need to open the gates!”

“y/n! wait! who’s your ride— and she’s gone.” johnny sighs, watching as you run towards the front gates, tossing your stiletto heels away on the grass while you’re at it. he heads back inside, silently hoping you’ll be fine.

knocking the window of the old black mustang parked outside behind the big bushes, the driver rolls down his window and sends the most charming smile.

yuta in his black beanie, long blonde hair, worn out doc martens, signature leather jacket and black skinny jeans. it almost makes you laugh on how he wears the same thing almost everyday but still manages to look so good.

he is most notable for having a big bad boy reputation and you knew that he was the breath of fresh air you needed in your life. a person who can understand having the pressure of having to be or to fulfill your persona. a person you can completely be yourself around. a person who is full of warmth no matter how cold he may seem on the outside.

“get in, princess.”

and that was all you needed. you tiredly walked to the other door and sat yourself in the car. rolling his window back up, he looks at you. you are wearing a simple yet stunning black dress along with silver jewelry adorned on your neck and wrists. your makeup is perfectly done but still struggles to hide the fog in your eyes. he has the sudden urge to clear them away. he softens at the sight of you. no one is perfect, but he finds you being perfect enough without ever having to dress up.

“where to?” he asks as gently as he could. he knows that you are most vulnerable during these moments and that it is hard to finally break down your walls after a day full of stress, so he doesn’t pry immediately. all he wants to do is to keep you here, safe and away from your burdens and for you to stay comfortable with him, even if it couldn't be for long. but is that too selfish of him to ask? he hates how you hate your life and it is taking every bone in his body to not run away with you. but who is he to tell you what to do or what to change anyway? all he can do for now is try to find a way to make you genuinely smile.

“take me anywhere,” you whisper to the latter. “i just want to be as far from myself and my life as possible. miles away or the nearest convenience store, just take the long way home before dawn.”

you look down at the cup holders, spotting an open cigarette box. you tug one out of the nineteen and light it with the lighter you kept in your pocket. you lean back and close your eyes. he only admires as you bring the cigarette to your lips, exhaling a cloud of smoke afterwards. letting the radio play quietly, he starts the car and begins to drive away from the mansion. he can’t help but wonder how you (an elegant daughter) and him (a bad boy) are millions of worlds apart, but more similar than you think.

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newhologram · 3 years

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I know only a few of you are on IG so I wanted to give an update here on the past few days. I am doing this knowing the potential risk but I need to also record where I'm at right now in case anything weird happens.

My week has been like this so far. Sunday: Family Member 1 misplaced their Xbox controller. They kept asking me if I knew where it was, each time growing more and more aggressive. I don't have an Xbox, I reminded them. I have my own controller for my PC. But they kept knocking loudly on my door. They followed me outside where I was vaping and tried to accuse me of I don't even know what. Pawning off their controller? FM1 said, "Is there something going on that you're not telling me? SOMEONE'S messing with me!" Later that night they and their gf were making dinner. FM1 suddenly knocked harshly on my door and said aggressively, "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE OVEN MITTS" in an angry voice. I was already stressed from them harassing me earlier about the controller. I came out of my room, heart racing, and told them I had not used them that day. I helped find the mitts, which had fallen behind the trash can because the hanging hook had broken. I went to bed on edge, feeling unsafe and targeted, wondering why my family member was suddenly acting so paranoid and accusing me of misplacing their things... Something they actually have done to me my whole life, denying it until the moment my item is found, when they suddenly remember they did move it there (or accidentally throw it out/destroy it). The controller ended up being some random place in the living room. Monday: I went to leave for my acupuncture appointment. My booster seat/pillow thing was missing from my car. Not in the trunk or anything. I cannot drive without it. I'm too short to see over the steering wheel. I called FM1 and they have no idea where it could be, despite the fact that they drive my car every day. FM1's gf helped find it, in the garage. But I still had an epic fucking meltdown, sobbing the whole way to and from my appointment. I just cannot handle people moving my shit and disrupting my schedule like that. And it just hurt so much more knowing that FM1 was so awful to me the day before about their stuff being misplaced. I'm always having my personal belongings, my feelings, my personhood, disrespected. It hurts deeply. When I got home I stressed to them that this is my car, and my accommodation should not ever be removed from it under any circumstances. It was after this that I decided it was time to hold a family meeting. I called Family Member 2 and 3 over to the house. I read a long letter to them in which I told them about the talks I have had with my therapist, psychiatrist, and another psychologist. Even though I cannot be formally assessed and diagnosed at this time, I am being treated for autism. I detailed to my family my entire life of trauma that is traced back directly to my autistic traits, and my needs not only not being met, but being outright denied. I was denied empathy most of my life for my sensory issues, my pain, everything. A big part of this is gaslighting. Even if it's unintentional or not malicious, gaslighting is incredibly traumatic. Especially when it comes to my sensory issues. I have had even more problems with overstimulation the past year which means I can barely sleep, so my daily naps are even more important. I try to coordinate my naps when there is less activity in my house. But if I'm in a ton of pain and extra sensitive and ask for quiet, that's when I get in trouble and a fight happens. That's when FM1 tells me I "need to be realistic" and "can't expect the whole world to shut up for you"... when I'm literally saying "I have a migraine and need to rest, can you please not play loud music or slam cupboards in the kitchen for a few hours?"

I was emotionally neglected and abused by both parents. A lot of it is just the result of their own trauma that they have not dealt with... But I have also been physically threatened and assaulted by them at different times, though it only happened those specific times. (They won't ever admit to it though.) The emotional and mental abuse still goes on in my home. I am not allowed to have emotions. I have been told "STOP. WHY ARE YOU CRYING. LIFE'S NOT FAIR. WHEN YOU GET OUT IN THE REAL WORLD YOU'LL HAVE SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT" over and over--like... in response to me crying about my pet dying, or in response to me crying bc I'm in horrible pain from my chronic illnesses, or crying after my usual yearly ER visit. I am also not allowed to have boundaries. I have tried to communicate with FM1 that these things hurt me deeply. And their response is basically, "YOU'RE SO UNGRATEFUL. I PUT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD!" and threats such as "BETWEEN TAKING CARE OF YOU AND GRANMDA, ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TO DRIVE OFF AND YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN!" or "I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU"-- y'know, in response to having a disabled child. Ouch. The message is clear: I am nothing but an inconvenience and a burden to my family. I still have nightmares about them abandoning me, or abusing me more. I think in their heads they think that they love me. But this isn't love. If I try to talk to them about how dangerous it is for them to say things like that to me, they say "I never said/did that." Which brings us back to the gaslighting: I said that every time they gaslight me and tell me that my emotions/thoughts/experiences aren't real, it triggers me so badly that I self-harm and become suicidal.

I was very clear with them: I said that I can no longer have that in my life because one day it will kill me. I don't wanna die that way. I want to live. I have very bad PTSD and it's something I have worked on for 8 years but it has been worse the past year with so many disruptions and FM1's worsening narcissistic traits. I gave the choice to them. I said if they gaslighted me again that they were making the decision to not be in my life. Because this is about preserving my life. I'm trying not to die here. I'm literally trying to save my own life, even if that means not having a relationship with my family. They accept that I am autistic... But they then took turns gaslighting me. When I pointed out, "that's gaslighting. that's exactly what I just said in my letter. What you're doing is gaslighting" they went even harder on it. They said my experience and my trauma is "not in line with reality". They also said I "need to be reasonable" with the boundary that I'm setting (meaning: they don't believe in boundaries at all). They tried to guilt trip me with, "you can't cut someone out of your life because what if they DIE and then you FEEL GUILTY??" (I mean, what if I killed myself because you keep hurting me? Wouldn't you feel guilty about that?) They also guilt tripped me with "well we TRY to invite you to family stuff, and we try to include you, but you never want to go..." um... I guess they forgot I am chronically ill? Sorry if I don't have the energy or pain tolerance to drive an hour each way to a loud family party after I've worked all week? I cried and cried, I said this is exactly what I told you that you do to me and how it endangers my life... and you're doing it... while telling me you don't do it to me... They were all weird and told me "we love you and would do anything for you!" except... I guess, not gaslight me constantly? Idk. I felt so trapped. I felt so hopeless. I was up all night crying. I wondered, "Why is the idea of me having distance from them somehow worse than me being dead? Why would they prefer that I die rather than set a boundary that will save me?" And then I remembered: I had set the terms. They broke them. You do this, you're out of my life, because me being alive is more important than us having a relationship which will eventually kill me. I'm not trapped. It doesn't matter if they think they can prevent me from setting this boundary because they can't. I'm in charge of my boundary. So I blocked them on social media, as well as their phones. I have to unfortunately keep FM1 unblocked bc I live with them, they drive my car, and they look after my cats while I am at work. If I didn't have so many great things happening behind the scenes, if I didn't have my cats, if I didn't have amazing friends and followers who are supportive and kind... I can definitely see that I would have ended my life that night in some alternate timeline. That is how much pain I was in from them doing that to me. Them literally trying to gaslight me into not setting a boundary. I mean it would've been so ridiculous on their part, can you imagine? Me: Hey family, when you gaslight me, it makes me suicidal. I don't want to die, so either you stop doing that, or we can't have a relationship. Family: UHH NO *gaslights me anyway* Me: ok *kills self* Family: *surprised Pikachu face* Like???? Would they really have been shocked because it seems like they should have known since I told them directly? And that just shows that they really don't take my pain seriously at all. They think I'm overly sensitive and that my trauma is not real. That would have been a painful wake up call for them. I told my therapist all of this. And she agrees that this is good, this is going to not only ween them off of me but also allow me to focus on all the good stuff I have going on. I have to get moving. So much stuff has been lagging because I'm constantly recovering from them triggering me. I'm going to focus, and heal, and gtfo of here. Thank you for your support and for never invalidating my pain.

#teku #personal #d o nut #reba gel #!#donut rebagel plz

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yume-x-hanabi · 4 years

Text

Writer Meta Meme

I decided to do all the questions on this meme :)

1. Tell us about your current project(s) – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

My current project is Concubinage, my gaiwin arranged marriage AU. It started as a random, entirely self-indulgent idea, but it has since grown into an actual project. Progress is good, I’ve managed to do bi-monthly updates and I have 30k in my drafts so far.

What I love the most about it is that, since it’s an AU, I’m pretty free to do whatever I want. I don’t have to be too careful of timelines and so on. Plus, in this AU, Gaius and Wingul are able to get closer than they otherwise would, due to the different circumstances. They have their own trials, but it’s different than in the canon timeline.

Another current project is Tales of Xillia Week, but I didn’t get much inspiration for it so I think I’m gonna do meta/headcanon posts more than fics ^^;

2. Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

I’m looking forward to getting to the part where it’s just domestic fluff haha. It’ll take a while to reach that point though.

3. What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

Not just one scene ig, but I’ve been wanting to write one-shots showing how the Chimeriad survived, and... haven’t gotten around to planning it. So it’s pretty low on my project list tbh.

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

I have... a few, but they’re all spoilers for future chapters XD;;

5. What character that you’re writing do you most identify with?

I don’t... really identify with characters. I mean, they’re pretty different than me in personality, life and circumstances...

6. What character do you have the most fun writing?

I love writing Gaius and Wingul of course, but Agria’s probably the most fun. She’s completely unrestrained, which makes her pretty easy and fun to let loose XD

7. What do you think are the characteristics of your personal writing style? Would others agree?

Exposition and worldbuilding XD

I can’t help it, I always need to develop the setting...

8. Is what you like to write the same as what you like to read?

Yes. I would love it if more people wrote gaiwin XD

9. Are you more of a drabble or a longfic kind of writer? Pantser or plotter? Do you wish you were the other?

I used to be more of a ficlet writer, but I’m currently doing well with a longfic XD

As for the rest, it varies. I like to plot and outline a bit, but it’s often rather loose and I let inspiration guide me.

10. How would you describe your writing process?

Wait for inspiration time, energy and motivation to align.

11. What do you envy in other writers?

Those who update super long fics every week. How do you do it????

12. Do you want your writing to be famous?

Naah, I’m fine in my corner of fandom. Though I wouldn’t say no to a few more readers, if only to know that the ship still sails xD

13. Do you share your writing online? (Drop a link!) Do you have projects you’ve kept just for yourself?

Yep, I post on AO3. And all projects are meant to be posted one day, but some aren’t simply because they aren’t finished.

14. At what point in writing do you come up with a title?

The beginning, usually, but I might change it

15. Which is harder: titles or summaries (or tags)?

Tags are easy. Titles and summaries are hard, and I always end up with something boring but heh, as long as they get the meaning across...

16. Tried anything new with your writing lately? (style, POV, genre, fandom?)

It was last year, but I tried first person pov with my Agria fic, because that fits her well. I’d like to try poetry, maybe.

17. Do you think readers perceive your work - or you - differently to you? What do you think would surprise your readers about your writing or your motivations?

I have no idea tbh. When I write, I like to imagine what my readers will think (especially like when I write funny scenes, I hope they’ll make people laugh), but idk if it’s exactly like I think.

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them.

In Concubinage, I considered adding a plotline where Arst met an ex and had to deal with complicated feelings about it -- being reminded how it was to be in a loving relationship vs political marriage, craving intimacy like he used to have with said ex, etc. I ended up scrapping the idea though.

I also have... two or three possible ways things can play out in a much later plotpoint, and I think I’m pretty sure of which way I’ll go already, but the other possibilities exist. Maybe I’ll make a post about all abandoned plotlines one day...

19. Is there something you always find yourself repeating in your writing? (favourite verb, something you describe ‘too often’, trope you can’t get enough of?)

“And, but, and, but...” XD;

Also characters often find themselves doing something before they knew it...

My style is probably pretty repetitive. I’m not a native speaker, and I feel limited sometimes...

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

Concubinage is the result of watching too many sageuk and taiga drama. No I’m not sorry.

When writing AU, I always like to include “cameo” of the original storyline (for example, as the plot of a book, or treating the canon games as a fractured dimension in Chimeriad Live AU’s, etc)

In Fractured Lives, I try to alternate Wingul and Gaius’ pov. It’s probably gonna bite me in the ass when some plot points work better in one pov but the chapter requires the other. I’ll probably have to come up with some fillers or something...

I have extensive headcanon about Auj Oule’s geography, history etc, which pops up in a lot of (planned) fics. Even if it’s different fics/AU’s (ex. Concubinage vs my pre-game gaiwin project vs the Wingul fic I was writing for the big bang), I reuse the same settings and OC’s. Most of those aren’t written/posted yet so it’s pretty self-contained for now, but if I ever get to completing those projects I hope it won’t be too confusing to readers who don’t follow all the stories...

21. What other medium do you think your story would work well as? (film, webcomic, animated series?)

If I had the art skills, I’d love to turn some of them into comics ;A;

22. Do you reread your old works? How do you feel about them?

Sometimes. Usually because I need to refresh my memory before writing a new chapter XD

23. What’s the story idea you’ve had in your head for the longest?

That project to write the whole pre-game Gaius & Wingul history, that’s something I’ve been wanting since forever. Well, I originally wanted to read it, but since no one’s gonna do it, I started thinking I should write it. It’s gonna be a huge project though...

24. Would you say your writing has changed over time?

I honestly have no idea. I do sense a difference in that it’s much easier for me to just write now; I guess habit helps. But I have no idea if style changed or anything lol.

25. What part of writing is the most fun?

Filling the tag with my OTP XD

#yume fanfiction #ask meme

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deacied · 5 years

Text

evening sun . // one .

summary: messaging stupid things to your celebrity crush on instagram has no repercussions because it’s not like they’re going to read it anyway! obviously this doesn’t entail sexual harassment or general creepiness, but sending a meme they’d like or a picture or maybe something actually stupid like your phone number seems irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

or the one where you dm joe on instagram and your life actually changes

warnings: none other than like fluff

word count: 1.7k

she sends the stupidest message she has possibly ever typed in her entire life (eighth grade, angsty teen posts on myspace included) to him in the second week of march. the chances were low that he would open her dm, but he had been known to ever so often answer a handful at a time, and what did she have to lose if he did answer the message? she had sent him other things before as if he were her best friend, memes that reminded her of him or funny t-shirt ads, whatever it had been that she thought might have him grinning to himself--- however, clearly the response never-received wasn’t with this particular “friend”. she didn’t really know him, and he, blissfully unaware of her existence, yet she tried weakly to get the attention of him while he received thousands of others flooding his messages doing just the same. it was just a bit of fun really. a shirt that showed a t-rex wearing mickey ears, “wrong park!“ written across it had her laughing manically to herself before sending the post over to joe. she hoped she would see him in that shirt soon.

it was a hopeless cause that, well, wouldn’t crush her if the odds weren’t in her favor. nearly a month after she had sent the stupidest message, a notification of a new text pings through her phone. a glance over to it only to be met with an unknown number loses her attention as quick as it held it. she yawns. the action comes of mainly boredom though sleepiness threatens to claw its way into dominance as the summer rain continues to pummel unto the roof, warm florida air shifting through the porch, and the novel in her hand losing focus. a nap would be good-- perfect actually.

the crackle of lightning followed by a gargle of thunder shook her out of her sleep only an hour later and back into reality. every afternoon without fail, the casual shower of rain would pass over her family home just after three as if mother nature were taking her time with her garden. florida often promised hurricanes so the thunderstorms weren’t uncommon, but this particular one wasn’t supposed to hit until thursday, and with it being only tuesday, she knew this storm would last forever now: the earlier they came, the longer and harder they reined apparently. notifications sound off at a quick rate, though she easily dismisses it as something extraordinary going on in the group chat. trekking back into the house with book and phone in hand, her free fingers pass over her dogs’ heads as she passes them to head to her room. the thought of a shower to wash away the dampness from outside was the most ideal option she possessed, however, the implied doom her mother promised of a shower during a thunderstorm was the least. more notifications go off in time before she turns off the ringer entirely and plugs it into the charger. sixty-four (jesus) messages in the group chat on discord, another twenty-one from the same group on instagram, and god knows how many more on snapchat, but the one, singular cluster of notifications tucked at the bottom that held her interest had her pausing with head tipping in interest: another message from the unknown number.

lower lip curls between teeth as brows furrow an inch together. finally clicking on the messages, she feels like she might throw up as her eyes follow the pixels. holy. fucking. shit.

FROM unknown 11:18 am: It’s super dangerous giving your phone number to strangers on the internet you know? FROM unknown 11:20 am: I tried to call and kind of chickened out. I got nervous and I’m sorry. FROM unknown 11:43 am: Oh my god, did you really shoot your shot and just leave the court?

she has to read the messages at least eight times, take a screenshot, send it to her brother, and have him confirm she’s not having a stroke before she can go back to the originals with an intent to reply. thumbs hover over keys making absentminded shapes as she breathes deeply, loudly, anxiously trying not to have a whole mental breakdown. the message directly referenced her messages to none other than the boy from jurassic park, the bassist of bohemian rhapsody, the very angry baseball player of undrafted. there was absolutely no way that this was actually, truly, literally joseph francis mazzello iii. couldn’t be. nope. not happening. she doesn’t know what to reply back with for a good long moment, taking a second to collect herself and open up instagram to confirm for the hundredth time now that this is who she thinks it is.

the dm’s screen welcomes her, exhale escaping lowly as she clicks on joe_mazzello’s chat. he hadn’t replied -clearly, she most definitely would have received a notification for that or else instagram would have a very angry woman on their hands- but he had opened it. the time read 3:56am two weeks ago when he read them. her head falls backwards as the mental math floods hurriedly through her brain, trying to understand: so he had called a week after reading them apparently, and then waited another week before engaging contact again. he... he had been thinking about this for a while; it wasn’t just a spur-of-the-moment ploy to entertain a fan. god, she might throw up actually this time. thumbs navigate to open the texts from the unknown number again just to make sure they hadn’t magically dissolved into thin air. a slow exhale. one more final time she moves over the keys.

TO unknown 12:56 pm: who is this? TO unknown 12:57 pm: if this is who i think it is i’m gonna Lose My McFreakin Mind

she nods to herself as they send--- vague enough that whomever was on the other side wouldn’t think something strange was going on no matter what the outcome turned out to be. it had happened once where a friend texted the wrong number instead of her, asking if “mc fuckhead” was there. (that was an incredibly fun inside joke to explain.) head tips to the side slightly, hopping her train of thought from joe mazzello and him genuinely thinking of you to how strange every inside joke must sound to people outside of the inside. another vibration of the device jerks her back to the matter at hand, unable to help her heart thumping uneasily.

FROM unknown 1:26 pm: Hi, I’m Joe Mazzello from Jurassic- I mean, Bohemian Rhapsody and you’re watching Disney Channel! FROM unknown 1:26 pm: Thank God you’re a multiple text person too FROM unknown 1:27 pm: Please don’t Lose Your McFreakin Mind! FROM unknown 1:27 pm: Wait. FROM unknown 1:27 pm: .....Is this (@ y/ig)? Did I just fuck everything up with an actual wrong number?

suspicions couldn’t get more confirmed than that. her next set of texts goes out rapidly and without much second thought, a stupidly huge smile graced on her face that probably made her look like a maniac--- but really, if any person’s celebrity crush had texted them wouldn’t they have the exact same reaction? actually, now that y/n thinks about it, she’s being really, really calm. the internal screaming stays internal -thank the lord- though her cheeks already ache from the face-splitting grin she currently wears.

TO unknown 1:33pm: if i’m (@ y/ig) then wouldn’t you be @joe_mazzello? no? just me? ok TO unknown 1:33 pm: but hi yes i’m y/n ??? holy shit ??? what the fuck ??? TO unknown 1:34 pm: definitely losing my mind rn TO unknown 1:34 pm: but also 👀 real talk i was 👀 actually asking you 👀 out TO unknown 1:34 pm: like if you wanted to hang out 👀 haha

as soon as the last one sends, her heart drops with fear. fuck, what if the actor just wanted to do a fan a favor and answer her dm just for shits and giggles, or, best (worst?) case scenario he wanted to online-befriend her. she can very easily lose the one single chance she’s gotten and--- god, yes, definitely going to throw up. she sends another message in a haste, praying to whomever was up above that her last text actually saved her ass. he responds in actual record time, the girl tucked up on her bed unable to help the excited and very, very, very ugly squeal she let out as she starts reading the messages.

FROM joe omg 1:36 pm: Interesting.... I’ll have to accept your proposal. We meet at dawn! FROM joe omg 1:36 pm: But you’re in Florida right? I think I read that on your account, I hope I didn’t just pull that out of my ass. FROM joe omg 1:36 pm: I haven’t been to Universal down there in God knows how long and I was planning to go at the end of the month funnily enough FROM joe omg 1:36 pm: If dinosaurs and King Kong and Harry Potter and whateva are your thaaaang

an anxious groan soon follows-- of course this was the alternating year she had gotten a disney annual pass instead of a universal one like last year, and upon further inspection of prices, her bills due, and her bank account, it was a couple hundred dollars she definitely didn’t have to spend. she sets her phone down to calm her now raging anxiety, skin heating up and palms sweating profusely until she fists her comforter in hopes to dry them. asking an actual rich and famous person for financial help just to hang out with them was forcing her eyes to prick with tears-- she had to find something else, right? they could work something else out and she was just overreacting. it takes her verbally saying “you’re crying over universal, chill the heck out” before she comprehends and truly relaxes, tension melting out of her back as a slow breath falls from anxiety ridden lungs.

TO joe omg 1:42 pm: i actually love universal but i have a disney pass right now if maybe that was something you wanted to do TO joe omg 1:43 pm: idk if you’ve ever been to disney world but its so much better than disneyland if i’m honest lmao i’ve gone to california once and i went and i wasn’t super impressed TO joe omg 1:43 pm: i mean it was really cool cause it was the original disney but rides and attractions wise you know what i mean??? anyway im rambling wtf

the conversation rolls with no further lulls in topics to talk about, one in the afternoon soon turning to one in the morning and her eyes threatening to droop closed. with a final goodnight text the pair decide to resume conversation in the morning, and lord, did she have something to excitedly scream about then.

#okay uhhhh heres the actual first chapter #joe mazzello x reader #joe mazzello #joe mazzello fanfic #john deacon x reader

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