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dornish-queen · 3 years

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GQ MEXICO - PEDRO PASCAL 2021

It seems that Pedro Pascal is in all possible universes. Here and there. In the past, in the present, and in galaxies far, far away. Today, the actor is considered the great entertainment reference and one of those in charge of saving a franchise that seemed lost. Enough reasons to talk exclusively about discipline, gastronomy, creeds and how he traumatized his father in 30 seconds.

The RAE defines 'creed' as the set of ideas, principles or convictions of a person or a group. For example, by creed, one can leave his country and be in exile. It happens that one can leave the loved one behind. Or simply live in another reality. And also one can put on a helmet to pretend never to take it off again. If that is the path to follow, the creed says that it must be done with the profession of faith and without stopping to look. Turning the pages of the script for The Mandalorian , the Disney + series that revived passion and nostalgia for the Star Wars franchise , Pedro Pascal came across this definition in every dialogue and moment, and reflection carved his way.

More than two decades have passed since the Chilean-American, Pedro Pascal, began his acting career and today, named as the great reference of 2020 , he misses the theater and it still hurts him not to have the discipline to exercise and maintain a diet sana while acknowledging the irony of having the best year of her career in the midst of one of the worst in recent history. But even in physical solitude, the man who carried the best-selling Christmas baby rescues many positive things and shares his vision of the universes he has traveled through, his passion for distant galaxies and how to traumatize your family with a simple scene of TV. In an interview, the Mandalorian of Latinamerica.

IMDB named you the 2020 benchmark in entertainment, a year in which the world took refuge in fiction. How was living your best time locked up and what do you rescue on a human level from it?

The strength of family relationships and friendship. For them, we endure this physical loneliness. I do find it ironic that in 2020 I received projects so well received by the public, although they were carried out before the pandemic and their impact was during it, and that year I was isolated and alone. But I must emphasize that this loneliness is a privilege when many people had to continue working, surviving and maintaining the functioning of the world. We only had to be alone, but they more than that and you must value it too.

Among the activities you have missed, how much do you miss the theater?

Much indeed. It's something that I miss the most and being with people without being afraid. See a play and return to those experiences of being with people doing and living things in common. That is what I need most, in addition to my loved ones.

Disney fully entered streaming and its strong letter has your face, what do you think of the discussion of platforms against movie theaters?

There are incredible things in streaming and many people develop great projects that they did not have access to before. The diversity of voices is gaining ground and it is important to recognize that opportunities grow exponentially and boundaries change. It is incredible the availability that we have to very well made content and how creative people can share their work in different ways. But I also want to be honest: limiting the experience of watching content only on our gadgets or at home is a mistake that affects the stories we can tell. You have to achieve a mix of opportunities and challenges.

You jump between the fictional universes that mark the last decades until you reach the universe of universes. What is your first Star Wars memory and how do you summarize the essence of this legendary story?

For me, Star Wars is nostalgia itself. It is one of the primary things in my memory, of my childhood. I came to the United States with my Chilean family when I was less than two years old and one of my first memories is going to the movies with my dad to see the saga ; it becomes one of those romantic childhood things that opens your mind, so imagine how special it is to participate in this project. I think the creators of The Mandalorian perfectly understand this nostalgia and that power, and they managed to count on that element as a great ally for the world of Star Wars and I couldn't be happier to be part of it. (From which we expect the third season The Mandalorian)

The Mandalorian exploits the power and nuances of your voice, did you have that letter on your resume?

I didn't know I could do it, but I resorted to my theater preparation, which was very physical on all levels and feelings. There are elements that have to do with and that are essential to create a role, and they teach you that the voice is something primary, something you have to start with and you cannot hide. Now I have learned much more about the importance of that, and how to use it economically. The body also has to do with that, because something very subtle communicates something. In The Mandalorian , I had a great time figuring out how to do it, they gave me the opportunity to develop it in different ways. The opportunity to be very intense at it.

What happens to the ego when someone works under a suit and a mask?

In the conversations about the project, before doing it, we were communicated the idea and the concept of the entire season , so I clearly understood what it was. I wanted it to be the most powerful version of what they were trying to accomplish, so there was no point in involving my ego, you know? It was already very clear what the project meant, so I knew about the character , the piece that it represented for him and the opportunity that it was for me, so I was only focused on executing in a better way the part that touched me in everything this. In the theater, I worked several times under a mask and it helped me develop the experience.

It seems that The Mandalorian has a very theatrical base ...

Exactly, and thanks to the physical experience of working in theater, doing a play a few times a week, discovering how your body and your voice communicate , being part of a whole image, and how you will tell that story visually, I achieved this character. I never imagined that it would be something I would have to use on such an important Star Wars project .

On the list of entertainment greats, there are names like Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, do you think John Favreau should be added to the list?

I think your name is already included. Without a doubt, it is in that category and it is incredible. His vision fascinates me. I remember an episode in the second season , and I had some boots and I walked so much in the snow, it stuck to them. He figured it out, so he talked to the art department about the kind of boots you need when you're out in the snow. They approached me and gave me new ones that fulfilled the idea I was looking for. He noticed it in an instant. It is such a wonderful detail and it is repeated to scale in every session with him. He thinks of absolutely everything and his vision of the use of technology is admirable. He is someone who makes you feel motivated and always sees how to achieve the goal.

One of the reflections in the series is on how and under what circumstances a man can break his creed and way of life. What makes you break with your beliefs?

I think that you must follow your heart so as not to regret anything; Although sometimes it brings pain or conflict, deep down when you look back, everything is worth it because it was what you heard in your heart. I am very afraid to deny that feeling or not to attend to it. I am 45 years old now and I cannot believe I have a finer philosophy. Make it more disciplined. It's ridiculous, but I'm trying to accept that I am and it's all I can say, "follow your heart." Although, you know, I'm not on a good diet yet, I still have trouble sleeping or exercising.

Still good at Chilean empanadas?

Yes, I couldn't stop. And also how good that I do not live in Mexico City because I would only spend it eating. I could move my whole life to defe just to eat.

I want to deviate and ask you, with whom did you see the chapter of your death in Game of Thrones and what traumas did you cause in your family?

For me, no trauma. I separate myself well from the characters , although I fully understand that if I were a Game of Thrones audience and loved that character, it would make an incredible impression on me. Thank you that it was not. I had to interpret it and there was a model of my head to be crushed that way with the tubes and the fake blood, you know? Me lying there, with pieces of my meat, it was funny in the end. But not for my family. For them there is nothing funny but traumatic. My dad's voice changed completely when we saw the episode, he turned around and said: “I didn't like it, Pedro . No, Pedro , not this ”.

The media found similarities between your villain in Wonder Woman: 1984 and Donald Trump. When playing a character with characteristics like this, do you humanize him or do you understand him?

The project had nothing to do with the former president. They always told me that my character in Wonder Woman: 1984 was emotionally messy, and I took that and took that as far as possible. Instead of creating it with images or certain inspirations from life, it was more to work with what was on the page. Personally, what made sense to me is the size of the story that is being told and there is always more, and we all want more. Creatively, if this makes sense, that meant "blowing her out of the park." Connect a hit with the character and be committed to telling his story faithfully, in a way that was true to me. So all the exterior elements found their way.

What a way to start 2021 with the theme of the Capitol ... How do you perceive that moment?

I am not a politician and it is not that I do not have an opinion about this type of event; however, it is not necessary to state the obvious. My opinion would be very simple compared to that of a person who studied this, who knows how to act in these kinds of scenarios; I believe that I am next to the majority who experienced this, which is the logical result of what we have experienced during these years and we are all horrified . It was distressing to see this violence.

If you had the monolith in your hands, what would your wish be?

My wish would be… it's impossible, really (laughs). I think it is to be together again, with less fear and that people have the opportunity to connect.

What is your position on the reality that Chile has experienced in recent years and how has the relationship with your country been since exile?

It is something that I am developing and I continue to do in my life, trying to understand that it is my home. To be in Chile is to be at home, but my life has been very nomadic, living different things and having many influences; so it is strange, I do not feel with the title of a complete Chilean identity nor with an American one.

Neither here nor there?

In a sense, but I'm also completely both. My parents are Chilean , my brothers were born there before my parents traveled, and I came back sometimes because my family is very large; in fact, my parents came back. It has always been there, it continues to develop, and it will be a part of me. I don't know if it answers your question, but it has a lot to do with who I am.

What is your relationship with Latin American cinema? Are you interested?

Much, it has invaded me in life like American cinema. The movies that I carry in my heart, seeing something like Y tu mama was also something that changed me; I also love the work that comes out of Chile , and the only thing I can say is that it is a cinema that needs more access and projects.

Today you have a comedy with Nicolas Cage on the door, can you tell us something?

It's my first shot at comedy , as a complete story within the genre. Speaking of American influences , in the 80s I saw all the films where Nicolas Cage appeared , he came into my life and it's great to be his partner after seeing all his performances.

How is the relationship you have with the comedy genre?

I love it, I have done a lot of comedy in the theater, what happens is that in film and television issues , I was always part of drama castings . And in the cinema, you go where the doors open; Although I identify with one or the other, I think that being an actor , one goes and does what one has to do. Comedy is something unique, it is very challenging because it must be very real to be funny, you cannot hide or use normal tricks. I was very excited to have this challenge in front of a camera.

Finally, Pedro, after going through so many fictional worlds, literally, what do you dream about when you sleep?

I dream that my bathroom is dirty, that I haven't done my math homework, that the oven is on and all that stuff. Sure, there are times when I close my eyes and see myself in all these projects , although my conscience is with the anxieties of the day that you can imagine.

Without a doubt, Pedro Pascal is a particular type .

English Tranlation: Google Translate

SOURCE: GQ MEXICO

#pedro pascal #jose pedro balmaceda pascal #gq mexico #Articles

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nexyra · 3 years

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James Ironwood, for character ask? 👀

Aaaa thank you so much for the ask ♡ More rambling incoming !! Sorry for the wait btw, I've been both pretty busy and tired ;;

If you hate James Ironwood and don't wanna hear one good thing about him tap out now please ღ

My fav ship(s) for the character

I am not a super big shipper when it comes to James, but there are still some I like more than others soo here goes :

I think Ironwitch is a pretty good one. It's not necessarily a ship I'd search content for but I think these two would work well together ! Glynda is stern and honest and a no-nonsense kind of woman. She has the strenght to stand up to James when he slips or gets too stubborn when faced with the high stakes. At the same time, we've been shown that she cares for him and she knows he's only trying to do what's best for people. She has faith in him but also the ability to stand at his side as an equal. She seems to be the more steadfast of Ozpin's circle : loyal, you know you can trust her, and she will not crumble. This is the kind of personnality that I think James both admire and feel safe with. And the other way around, I think James is a good match for Glynda too. On a day to day basis, he's serious enough to not annoy here, but he's also a softie in some aspects and that's a nice combination to smooth out Glynda's edges.

Ironqrow is a completely different dynamic. The "we're annoying each other" dynamic is not one I'm particularly interested in usually xD But these two certainly had strong & interesting moments so it's a pretty valid ship !! Despite how they might butt heads because of the difference in their upbringing they (prior to V8) clearly trusted each other with their life. Even if Qrow jokes about shooting himself if he had to be one of James' man, when everything goes to shit there is no doubt in his mind that James wasn't responsible. Similarly, while James talks of shooting Qrow for his misbehaviour, when push comes to shove and we meet a tired Ironwood, run ragged by the pressure he's under... the only thing he does is hug him and reiterates how glad he is to see him. So again, they clearly have a lot of faith and trust in the other, and that's solid ground for a relationship.

My least favorite ship(s) for the character

Same spiel as always, shipping kids and adults is a big no from me; so any ships between Ironwood and RWBYJNOR can qualify here. That said, among the less uncomfortable ones, here are those I don't really like

This one is again because I love their relationship but platonically only, I'm talking of Winter Soldier. The reading I like best is not that Ironwood is Winter's Jacques 2.0, nor that he groomed her; but that he was an important father figure in her life. Protective and caring, who tried to help her escape with what he knew. I don't see James recruiting Winter as a way to gain a strong ally. But rather that Winter wanted to detach herself from her family name, and make something worthwhile of herself all on her own. And that the military is what Ironwood knows and understand, so naturally it's a career he'd see as a good path. Just like Winter then proposed it to Weiss. I like to think they care about each other a LOT and they're their own tight family in between the lines, even if professionalism might throw a wrench into it. For short I love them together but not romantically please =)

I don't know if there's a ship name for this, but Salem x James Ironwood would be a big nope from me too... In general, let's just assume I ship Salem with nobody because abuse.

My fav & least fav platonic relationship(s) for the character

Fav platonic relationship would be (have been because we dont talk about V8?) with Winter. Fooor the reasons I've explained above I suppose x) I (again) love the trust they had in one another and the quiet support.

There was also his relationship with Oscar that I really liked during V7, although it has been soured a bit by the (valid) reading from some people that Ironwood sought out Ozpin a lot through Oscar, and given his identity issues it is not ground for a greatly healthy relationship. Their interactions were still very intersting though ♡ I consider Oscar to be the kid who went at trying to appease James' fear or make him reconsider his decisions the best way. There was true understanding and hope for a working relationship here. I do feel that Oscar put in more work than James however (emotionally) and I wish there had been pay-back instead of a gunshot.

For my least fav relationship ? Probably Robyn or Watts ? Robyn was always very antagonistic toward Ironwood since their priorities are so different. And I overall just don't really like her after V7 so there are very few relationships with her I'm interested in (the exception is her ship with Fiona I think it's cute). Meanwhile, Watts is just a petty asshole hell bent on ruining Ironwood because he didn't pick his project. I'm not very interested in hate relationships, and since theirs wasn't deeply explored anyway, it's even more the case here. Their fight was great though, one of my favorite RWBY fights !

My favorite thing about the character

Well this was completely proven wrong by V8 buuut as of V7 I liked that he was a deconstruction of the military general (dictator) trope. Sooo you can guess how i feel about V8 X) In general among RWBY, several of my fav are fav BECAUSE they look like one trope but also have key differences that from the get go make the character stray away from said trope. For example I'm not a fan of the princess tsundere archetype at all, but I loooved Weiss in V1 BECAUSE she was extra-willing to listen and change her mind, and you could very easily tell that it was her upbringing speaking more than herself in most occasions.

Similarly, I wasn't a big fan of Ironwood before V7. I didn't hate him you know and he wasn't lower than most characters in my Tier list but I also didn't particularly care. But you know what ? I've aaaalways had a really soft spot for the "angsty angry traumatized teen". And RWBY made the mistake of extending that soft spot to "tired adults trying their best" (only to repeatedly beat them up/make them villains after making me care about them but what can you do uh)

Soo in general, I loved that Ironwood was trying so hard. I loved that he was tired and in over his head but learning and listening and trying to do good and be better despite his fears. I liked that he told his entourage about Salem and was loyal. I liked that he cared about helping the people above his own image and the way people perceived him. I liked that you could tell this was a terrible situation all around, and his decisions WERE questionnable but we could SEE that he meant WELL and was genuinely trying so hard despite how scared and tired he was.

My biggest criticism for the character

Well this won't be a surprise but in general I just wished he had stayed a morally grey character we were allowed to feel for instead of a cartoon black villain. I didn't need James to be THE Hero or anything like this despite some accusations levelled at those who like him. Him becoming one of RWBY's antagonist is honestly fine by me ! It is interesting. But I'd have preferred they kept him ambiguous and trying in his own way. (And smart because V8 Ironwood was dumb af)

I can be a tad overprotective of his character since he's just... so despised, so I think that I have inadvertently distanced myself from any of his flaws... somehow like "people are already yelling all of them so I don't need to add to this shit show" you know ? skjfkd But I KNOW he has them and it would still have been good to develop his flaws, just... not like that

But yea I'd have liked it if V8 Ironwood DID diverge from RWBYJNORQ and became an antagonist but not an iredeemable villain. LIKE,, we redeemed Hazel and Emerald and IRONWOOD is where the writers draw the line by saying "nope this one is rotten" ?? What ?

When was their writing at the peak according to me (ex : best season)

V7 definitely ! Ironwood carried V7 so hard haha. His character was fleshed out and given nuance and made to struggle and evolve and I loved him in that volume.

A song I think fits them & why

Hunger • Monsters & Men Human • Rag'n'Bone Man Way down we go • Kaleo Beekeeper • Keaton Henson Thistle and weeds • Mumford and Sons Castle of Glass • Linkin Park It's all so incredibly loud • Glass Animals

A headcanon to make up about them

His metal parts impact his metabolism so Ironwood is terrible at holding his alcohool and very little manages to knock him out. He's a workaholic. His low tolerence for alcohool is a great tool whn friends need to put him to sleep.

His joints crack and hurt in the cold, his metal parts as well and they are an hassle in the sand. James like to keep his room temperature warmer than the average atlasian because of this, otherwise he has to spend 30 min every morning simply unwiding muscles to move around efficiently.

He's not a good singer but has a nice low voice for telling stories. If he had kids, he'd probably avoid lullabies but compensate with bedtimes stories.

What I would change about them if I was making a re-write

As always, I'm kind of reflecting along the way as I write this, and one thing I'm thinking right now is... Doesn't it take away from the atlas arc message ITSELF to just pile up so many "standard bad guy" stuff on Ironwood ? Like, I wanna ask... why do we hate him ? Is he an antagonist because he lets fear get the best of him ? Because he's a classist who doesn't care about Mantle like some fans argue ? Because he's too stubborn and wants to be THE hero ? Because he doesn't listen to others ? Because he abandonned Mantle ? Because he kills peopke left and right ? Because he wanted to bomb a city ? I think you might see where I'm going with this : his status as villain is kind of messy. V8 just kept piling-up flaws and villainous actions onto Ironwood with no concern for whether this was a lenght he would go to (using the certainty that he would go to any lenghts to enact his plans), ,or whether these were one of the initial flaws/failings that led to his "fall" as an antagonist. What lesson is Ironwood supposed to learn ? Personally the very first time I yelled at my screen "No ! Why would the writers choose that ?" is when Ironwood shot Oscar. When answering criticism against medias, many people tend to look at it only through the lense of "well it makes sense in universe" or as if there were no other ways for the story to devolve. But at the end of the way, everything in a story is a choice from the writer even if it is influenced by the characters' personnalities. If I took the scene where Ironwood shoots Oscar, someone might tell me "he's crippled by his PTSD, he COULD do this." Maybe, that's a reading I can somewhat understand at least. But the writers have the power to NOT put his character in such a position. When I saw the wreck that was V7 finale, I ranted to my bestfriend about it and at no point did i say "why did Ironwood do that", I said "why did the writers make him shoot Oscar, the only point narratively would be to make irredeemable" Aaaand that's what they went for and I obviously didn't care for it. So if I had to rewrite it; I would have kept Ironwood's "mistakes" more focused. If he's wrong because he wants to abandon Mantle, because he's (understandably) scared and doesn't want to take risks; then stay focused on that. It's what makes RWBY leave, and out of all his V8 actions that's really the only thing RWBY needed to tell the whole world he wasn't an ally anymore apparently. - Don't make him shoot Oscar point blank, instead Oscar can simply fall because he flinches away from Ironwood's outburst; and a distraught/guilty Ironwood can decide that he doesn't have the time or capacity to help because of the tense situation. (Killing and not saving someone don't hold the same moral weight at all). - Don't make him kill people left and right or bomb cities, maintain the flaw of Ironwood struggling with his PTSD and his fear and not being able to take risks. - Don't paint him as a black villain, and eventually write V8 in such a way that RWBYJNORQ show taking risks might lead to a bigger victory, which was the volume's theme anyway. For example, following Oscar's destruction of the whale, a growth can occur that would bring back together the two anti-Salem factions : Oscar's risk put Atlas out of harm's way, which leads to Ironwood seeing that maybe there WAS a way to save Mantle as well as Atlas despite Salem's presence and he might have jumped the gun too quickly because of his fears. I'm not sure, I haven't thought about this extensively honestly but I hope you see what I mean. I think it would have been more focused & more in-character to focus Ironwood's failings on his fear; and the fact that he cares for the people and the greater good sometimes at the cost of the individuals. The idea that by sacrificing individuals too much you forget the people you're fighting for in the first place, could have been interesting to dig deeper into. Keep to the idea that Ironwood is somewhat disensitized to the individuals suffering for the sake of the greater good, instead of making him just

callous & uncaring.

My guess for their MBTI/Enneagram

I think pre-V8 Ironwood was an unconventionnal ENFJ. Aka, the type of character no one would type ENFJ because they go by stereotypes and Fe stereotypes are just enneagram 2 everywhere (aka nice, kind, helpful) whereas Ironwood has an enneagram tritype very common among xxTJs so that's what he looks/behaves like, but the way he thinks (what's best for the people, ethical values derived from an Atlasian upbringing) align more with Fe cognitively I think I'm going with ENFJ 6w5 1w2 3w4

Starting from V8 though, Ironwood veered clearly into ENTJ territory (types aren't supposed to change but I wouldn't say RWBY is the most consistent media when it comes to characters' personnalities)

One aspect that I think would be nice to delve deeper into ?

I understand why they didn't care to, but it'd have been interesting to get a few backstory hints for Ironwood. How did he lose half his body ? How did Oz recruit him ? Or some pieces about his upbringing ?

#rwby #james ironwood #james ironwood canoncrit #rwby thoughts #rwby rewrite #rwde #ask me stuff #enneagram #mbti #v7 spoilers #v8 spoilers #pro james ironwood

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the-lightning-strikes-again · 4 years

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I really don’t get why people keep saying Allura was SO awful or horrible to Keith after learning about his heritage. She just gave him the cold shoulder for an episode or two, and it’s not like they brought this up later in the show as a way for her to hold some other grudge against him. People are just blowing it up as something bigger than it actually was. And like many people have said, her liking or “suddenly” being nice to Lotor wasn’t bc oH he’s Altean (1/2)

Continued anon message: “There were several moments between their first close encounter and him revealing his heritage which prove that trust was developing before then, but I guess people just overlook those (2/2)”

Hi, anon! Thanks for the note! Yeah, haha, this topic of “is Allura racist?” is an interesting one because for me, it boils down to looking at the show’s design decisions and details. And those design decisions came from real human beings who aren’t any more objective than the rest of us. So as a content creator myself (who feels incredibly human and and whose stories and portrayals are also imperfect by virtue of their imperfect creator), I have to recognize that it’s impossible to create a totally woke, unproblematic creative product—and it’s also impossible to ensure that everyone around the world interprets everything in exactly the same way, no matter how well-intentioned the project.

That said, I do think a lot of fans are victims of how this show may have manipulated/gaslit them to feel, not just about Allura but also about other characters and events as well—and that there are benefits to analyzing what went wrong with VLD.

My hope is that, as content creators and fans, maybe we can learn from VLD’s narrative mistakes or even better understand how two fans can have totally opposing interpretations over the same creative work. In the case of VLD, as I’ve mentioned before, the show uses a screwy and imbalanced narrative lens when portraying victims. To add to that, the show design also consistently undermines details foundational to the show universe (such as using an unreliable narrator to express what the show actually accepts as objective fact or history). This is important, because the way in which something is told/shown ultimately manipulates audience emotion for or against something. This gets into how propaganda and subliminal messaging work at a technical level. And when the narrative lens is handled in a biased way that undermines other story elements, audience reaction/interpretation gets messy, no matter what the stated events/facts are in the story. We are attuned to pick up on cognitive dissonances (inconsistent patterns) as part of our human survival instinct.

I’m not convinced that VLD dev team wielded the Power of the Narrative Lens very well—if it had, season 2′s portrayal of the conflict with Keith and Allura would have looked different.

In an s2 with a more balanced narrative lens, we likely would have seen at least flashes of Allura’s memory, showing some s3 backstory of Allura’s fear upon realizing that previously faithful Galran allies were killing multiple civilizations upon an order from their own kind...and coming for Altea next. Or maybe there would have been something/someone else involving Allura’s traumatic experiences so that the audience could have an empathetic, emotionally connective moment with her. We would have, in equal parts, still seen Keith’s plight as the suffering saint trying to figure out what being half-Galra means. And we would have seen the other paladins trying to resolve the conflict and understand how to recalibrate together as a team and a family.

Instead, in provided canon, we see Hunk (of all people, why Hunk?) make racist microaggressions at Keith, further alienating Keith without any recourse. And for Allura, the visual lens shows her making a cold glare at Keith without further explanation. It’s a very alienating moment. In season 2, you feel that coldness from Allura because the show’s visual lens aligns you to Keith’s gaze for several agonizing seconds, and the narrative bias of the animation is to show Keith as the singular victim in this situation. It is a very targeted, lonely, and disquieting moment for Keith. The other paladins and their reactions to Allura and Keith even feed into this. It’s not until s3 that we get an emotional glimpse into the omnicide of an entire solar system—and even then, that history focuses more on the motives of the instigators rather than showing the brutality experienced by victims. By that point, we’ve blown way past the s2 issue, which creates another layer of cognitive dissonance: that the situation doesn’t feel totally...resolved, somehow, even though plot-wise it actually is.

So I think there are indicators that the dev team’s own biases and agendas informed, at times for the worse, the very lens through which we consume the VLD story. I don’t think the dev team was aware what tackling genocide while visually portraying Allura’s trauma as antagonistic and alienating would result in? And I think this oversight gets into why some fans feel a certain way about literally anything in this show, haha. So I feel like we’re all victims of a show with amazing potential and incredibly fascinating elements but just…poor execution.

One other thing I have to give faith on when I have a disagreement with another show fan—it’s a 78-episode show. How often are people holistically watching and critically reviewing this show in order to catch every little detail? I’m pretty sure I can’t remember all the details either, even though I re-watched the show not that long ago. So there’s a whole other layer here, where fans have a separation from the source content itself. So take those emotional negative “impressions” people developed while watching s2 or any other moment where Allura has been less than the ideal woman (oof, fandom is so forgiving with men but so unforgiving with women), and then suddenly muddy those memories with 2 years of not re-watching the show holistically. Typically, the brain is better at storing negative reactions than positive ones. So if someone had a negative reaction to Allura’s actions with Keith in s2 or elsewhere, without an empathetic moment to balance it out, then that negativity is going to stick, and every detail to the contrary is going to fade out.

I know for me, I’ve really had to fight the memory problem because after over a year, for example, I was building up impressions about VLD history that actually were missing some important details from s3. And that was kind of a shock to me. So I do think selective memory plays a part in adding to a biased dissonance one might feel from the actual story.

Ultimately, this whole unnecessary fandom split on “is Allura racist?” is one reason why I feel that VLD—for all of its good things that I genuinely love so much—had a lot of troubling issues. Despite all the canonical good that Allura ends up doing and how she overcomes trauma to champion genuine peace for all, there’s subliminal messaging against her because of how the visual and narrative spins or hides things. And that issue has nothing to do with the characters but everything to do with the development team and how the show was written/directed. And that, I think, informs ongoing fandom perceptions of Allura and creates just some really painful and unnecessary messes, to the point of creating an overall inaccurate take like “Allura is racist” when in fact, she’s just traumatized from very real and significant abuses and overcomes that, even.

It really makes me, as a writer, try to look at my own stories and attempt to understand “why” I portray certain things as I do while writing—and if that lens portrayal is really the best one for the effect/message I want. Because the way in which a story is conveyed can really play mind games with the audience, and that might not be the right effect for a story that isn’t another Inception or Crying of Lot 49, lol.

#Voltron #Allura #Keith #VLD #Writing Techniques #Subliminal Messages #Biases in the Visual Lens of a Story #VLD had an incredible lack of empathy for victims #it shows in the very way it portrays their stories and then villainizes or undermines them #Thanks for the note anon!

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theodcra-blog · 4 years

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✱ kim doyeon. she / her. cis female. — i know that theodora “ theo ” jung is one of the roses. which makes sense because the twenty year old’s parents are hollywood royalty known for producing and recording multi-platinum awarded albums. rumors say that they are the quixotic of the group , but who knows if that’s true. + plucking petals off of daisies in the name of a crush , steeping teabags for too long , the scent of perfume left behind on a pillowcase.

hello ! im xan and im late as usual but alas ... 😔 im 22 , from the est timezone ( even though my sleeping schedule … does not reflect that sjbdwjkbdjdw ) & i go by she / her pronouns ! i truly ... never know what im doing with intros they just turn out long & messy aha ... are u ready ? *jungkook vc* let’s get it ! 😋

━ ˙ ˖ ☆ QUICK STATS !

full name: theodora marie jung.

nickname(s): theo, teddy, dora ( but only by bullies 😠 ).

zodiac: libra sun, aqua moon ( click ! )

sexuality: bisexual.

occupation: singer / songwriter, model.

birthplace: los angeles, california.

current residence: wherever this rp is taking place aha x

━ ˙ ˖ ☆ BACKSTORY ! ( tw: sexual themes )

so her parent’s story was actually a pretty big scandal in the 90′s ! basically theo’s mom was the pretty famous front woman of a band ( think stevie nicks in fleetwood mac ) who was long engaged to the guitarist of that same band....until one day it was announced she was quitting the group and starting her solo career, leaving her fiance, and signing to a new label.....which was run by theo’s father, a young up & coming producer taking over the family business. not even three months later theo’s mom releases her first solo album, produced and co-written by theo’s father, basically detailing this years long affair the two had been having... in a series of really catchy, moving, and wildly successful songs.

the public went crazy over the drama, especially when rumors started circulating ( through detailed analysis of the lyrics to all of theo’s mom’s solo songs ) that the well known band had actually been quite toxic. basically it was enough to convince media outlets and fans alike to forgive theo’s parents for being cheaters and breaking up the band JSDBWBDJWBD. by the time theo was born in the last year of the iconic decade that launched both her parents into stardom, everyone couldn’t be happier the two stars were getting the happy life they deserved <3

so here comes baby theo.....and the world kind of just immediately labels her as america’s sweetheart. her mom had some minor health issues which just meant it would be safer to not have anymore kids after theo, so not only was she this little angel to the public, she was also her parent’s little miracle baby ! lets just say she had some big shoes to fill bc of all the expectations ..

luckily no one had to worry abt her being a demon child JSBDJWDWJ because she turned out to be a very sweet kid ! she was a HUGE daydreamer since she spent a lot of time alone growing up </3 her mom had retired from singing and was now helping theo’s dad run the label, and the two of them were always busy looking for new talent to sign. she didn’t have any siblings and although she had a really attentive nanny it just .. wasn’t the same ?? so to #Cope JSBDWBSBDJW theo was always creating these super elaborate little fantasy worlds. it wasn’t uncommon for u to find her deeply engrossed playing barbies alone like she had scripts and everything

by the time she was a preteen her parents were both really pressuring theo into thinking about a singing career, so wanting to please them ( and knowing that it was something she was kinda into anyway ) theo said ok sure ! and that’s where.....things start to take a turn. since she was so young she had this very very clean, innocent, cute image ( think disney stars ) & most of the music she was making was used for kids shows or movies. she didn’t really mind it so much but she noticed that her creative process wasn’t really valued ? or taken very seriously by her parents, because in their eyes like that’s their kid you know she’s still young, she’s always had her head in the clouds, they just really didn’t think it was a big deal if they took control.

so theo put up with it, but the years kept going by, she kept getting older, and nothing was really changing. she still had a squeaky clean image, little say in the type of music she was making, but on the outside everything looked great. the public loved her, she was a role model for kids ( even though she was a teenager now ), it was all perfect.....until it wasn’t. when she was 16, she had a scandal akin to the vanessa hudgen’s nude photo leak, except it wasn’t as explicit ( not a nude, just a suggestive pic ) and it was way way worse considering theo was a minor.

legal action was immediately taken by her parents, but once something’s out there you can’t really stop it from circulating, so the photos existed, just not on any official media sites. it was traumatizing for theo having her privacy breached like that, especially because instead of talking about how disgusting it was that someone would leak those photos when she was just a teen, gossip sites & fans alike were too busy talking about how her image was ruined. since she’d had such a clean, innocent reputation, people kinda forgot that... she was an actual person going through life growing up, and that she wasn’t perfect.

theo, being the optimist she is, was like hey you know what? this is my chance to stop making music i dont love. after what was probably her first truly honest convo with her parents, they agreed she should be free to figure herself and her art out. so for the remainder of her teenage years theo fell off the face of the music world....

only to pop back up in the modeling one ! like most celebrities, social media had a big say in this. since reputation wasn’t something theo had going for her anymore, what she did have was a hell of a following still and two famous parents ( not to mention ... shes tall JSBDJWBDWJ ) she did maybe one runway show before deciding she hated that. tbh she hated any modeling that felt too constricting, which is why she never ended up doing anything for big names & mostly does stuff for foreign brands & magazines.

she liked how much aesthetics had to do with modeling, and to some extent being a part of shoots satisfied that creative itch she had, but music was always her first love. theo really wanted to go back and revisit it, but she was scared the public’s reaction wouldn’t be what she hoped /:

so following in her mother’s footsteps, theo’s re entrance into the music scene was an ep ( 100% written, produced, edited, you name it, by her ) she released on the eve of her 18th bday basically explaining everything she went through with art. it was only four songs + an interlude, which would become the most talked about part of the whole thing because it was snippets of various reporters talking about that photo leak.

the public had mixed feelings ! unlike with what happened with her parents, not everyone was ready to “forgive” theo. and since she hadn’t done any promo for her music, or for her career as an artist independent from her parent’s famous label, it wasn’t like she was making crazy money and getting all this recognition. but !! she was insanely insanely happy, and that’s when she realized making music wasn’t something she did for other people, just something she liked to share, so what did it really matter if she could be more famous if she was an artist under her parent’s label ?

cue present day theo, model & singer, although the labels are pretty loose. although her music is getting way more recognition than it did three years ago, she’s still trying to do things independently from her parents, and she still has yet to become a chanel ambassador or anything crazy SDWBKWKFW. because of that she’s kind of garnered this new reputation for herself as one of those celebs that don’t really feel like celebs, like maybe she’s just like u except let’s be real she’s rich and her experiences are NOT universal even if her cute insta pic talking about ~her feelings~ in the caption makes u think they are

━ ˙ ˖ ☆ PERSONALITY + TIDBITS !

not even gonna lie to u guys....she is baby. i dont mean that in a uwu shes 20 but im gonna weirdly make her act like a child way im not a freak shes just baby ! like i mentioned earlier theo was a HUGE daydreamer growing up, and tbh she still is except now that’s she’s older her overactive imagination can kinda get her into trouble. a good example of that is the fact that since she’s so keen to see the silver linings in life and the bright sides, she can neglect the bad sides of people and situations so things still fit into her romanticized vision /: this was the cause for many heartbreaks in theo’s life, and she’s still guilty of doing this although she’s trying to work on it !

very much the kind of person to treat everyone like a friend ( that means strangers too ) until you prove you should be treated otherwise. it takes a lot for her to not fuck with you, so if she doesn’t like you then you probably did something to deserve it /: she’s always had a curious personality as well so it’s really easy for her to connect with people just because she’s constantly fascinated by what she doesn’t know about a person. sometimes it can make ppl uncomfortable just how casually she can have a deep convo, but she just never had that filter where she has to know you for 5 years before she opens up about her trauma </3 you know how when bp’s rose and red velvet’s joy had dinner for the first time rose made joy cry bc she was talking abt her family and stuff ? JSDBWBDW theo is rose ... she’s out there sharing trauma deepening that bond day 1 of knowing you baby ! 🤧

despite all that she’s still kind of maintained this elusive air to her? it’s not like she does it on purpose, or like no one knows the real her, it’s more like just when you’ve learned one new thing about her you realize there’s that many more things you don’t know. it also doesn’t help the fact that she’s constantly romanticizing everything, most of all herself, so she’s really crafted this “dream girl” persona without fully realizing it. im not exaggerating when i say john green wants what she has </3

a lot of times people see her as naive, not because she often sees the good in people or anything like that ( although she does ), but because she has this overwhelming sureness that everything works out in the end. to be fair though, for her, things usually do. call it good karma, luck, whatever you want, but the fact of the matter is even when it looks like there’s no way a situation can turn out well for her, somehow it does. it’s a healthy combination of money, privilege, and a charming personality but to theo it’s proof that she’s right.

naturally.....as an air sign JSBDJWBJWBD she’s a huge flirt ! the media’s always linking her to someone because she really makes it seem like she’s dating half of hollywood when the reality is she’s just being friendly. when she actually likes someone it kind of turns into a huge deal like she gets infatuated with her crushes, swears she’s in love — and then poof. one day she wakes up & realizes she’s kinda over it ... until the next person comes along of course <3

hates conflict and confrontation.....and i mean HATES it to the point where she doesn’t even confront stuff within herself ( i.e. “negative” feelings like sadness ) until one day it all bubbles over and she’s having a legit breakdown and dying her hair red.

yes, that’s exactly what happened last year, although if you ask theo about it she’ll just be like aha what do you mean i just wanted red hair luv x

pictures like these ( click ! ) of theo when she'd be walking around LA in her school uniform used to go viral on twitter.

desperately wishes she was the type of singer ppl would throw their bras at on stage when the reality is she’s out there making some chill bedroom pop kind of stuff so rip that dream </33333

knows how to play the piano and the guitar, but keeps joking one day she’s gonna make an album and only use her recorder as the instrumentals.

has a white british longhair kitty named zoe.

is 100% that bitch that can only drink sweet drinks & fruity cocktails and u know what she’s valid for it !

if she wasn’t famous she’d be making slime. legit running a slime making insta, those were her guilty pleasure & shes so mad they aren’t that popular anymore JSBDJWBDJW

u know that post that’s like “i hate making tea i always feel so bad about throwing away the tea bag i feel like i should just eat it” ? thats theo

━ ˙ ˖ ☆ WANTED CONNECTIONS !

BEST FRIENDS: a power duo the public either loves or hates, ride or dies, that 1 person theo would drop everything for no matter what.....yeah 🥺 they’d be the person she’s closest to & vice versa !

CHILDHOOD / FAMILY FRIENDS: their famous parents were friends, so it’s only natural they wanted their kids to be friends too. just imagine the stories ..... the memories .... maybe they got along really well and are still friends today ! or maybe theo pushed your muse off of the swings ( she claims it was an accident ) and your muse never forgot and to this day they’re sworn enemies.....</3 or less dramatic......they just drifted apart and now it’s like hey we used to be so close aha thats awkward let me just smile at you and walk away ....

LIKE SIBLINGS: someone who sees theo as a sister, and who theo considers her unofficial sibling. most likely she’s gonna bother the shit out of this person as siblings do but they really mean a lot to her because it’s the family she never had /:

CONFIDANTS: the one person theo keeps finding herself talking about the things she usally keeps inside with. i think it’d be funny if both of them find it weird to do things like go out to lunch or shop together because that’s not what they’re used to !

ACQUAINTANCES: friends who are only really friends when both of them are wasted or friends who only comment heart eye emojis and fire sign emojis under each others insta posts but don’t actually talk much for whatever reason

FRIENDS THAT DATED: maybe things just ended amiably between them, or maybe it’s like an “everyone told us we should date so we tried it and boy was that the weirdest thing we ever did” situation. either way the outcome is they’e still friends <3

CAHOOTS: what is this u may ask ? someone theo can be in cahoots with. she has a dumb idea that no one else is likely to say yes to? she goes to ur muse. ur muse has an idea no one in their right mind would say yes to? they go to theo. these two are in cahoots !

BAD INFLUENCE: although that america’s sweetheart reputation is gone, overall theo is still seen as a “good girl” by the public. she’s not one to be in a lot of scandals so i think it’d be really fun if your muse is corrupting that ( whether they’re doing it on purpose or not ) and whenever theo’s with them she just somehow always manages to end up in trouble.

THE BIG EX: theo’s first real relationship, and first real heartbreak. everyone before them had been an infatuation, but your muse was the real deal. maybe the media ruined it, or they ruined it themselves by being too scared of their feelings to stick around, or maybe one of them was willing to try but the other wasn’t. either way it ended badly, and whether those feelings are resolved or not....thats a secret i’ll never tell x

SUMMER FLINGS: give me past & current ( or maybe even recurring ) summer flings where they both know it’s temporary but boy is it fun while it lasts. google their names together and you’ll find paparazzi snapshots on the backs of vespas, on million dollar yachts, holding hands in museums or sunbathing on the beach but by the time fall comes creeping in the romance is over.

HOOKUPS: friends with benefits and it’s not awkward between them, friends with benefits and it’s super weird between them because they may be crossing over into real feeling territory, one night stands / hookups that were huge mistakes, one night stands or hookups that were or are being kept secret from the rest of the roses for whatever reason, someone who leads theo on but never gets serious about her, or someone she leads on but she never gets serious about, her go-to hookup on a night out when she’s partying, etc.

WILL THEY WON’T THEY: a friendship that always teeters on the line of something romantic ! maybe they’re both oblivious to the chemistry / tension or maybe they’re aware of it because they get jealous when they hear about the other being with someone else… maybe they refuse to do anything about it because they don’t want to complicate things or maybe they purposefully cross lines when they feel that jealousy…..could be more angsty or it could be more wholesome depending on which way it goes 😈

ARTIST TO ARTIST: i don’t think .... we have any other singers / ppl in the music industry but i could for sure be wrong JSBDSJBDJWD but ! i still would love to have people theo’s worked with before. maybe if your muses has been acting since they were little, theo could have mingled with them back when she was doing music for kids shows & movies. maybe your muse is a model and theo and them have done shoots together before. maybe theo’s written a current song for a movie / tv show your muse was a part of. maybe your muse is a model and theo asked them to feature on the cover of one of her albums. maybe she hired your muse to act in the music video of one of her songs ! maybe your muse can also sing even though that’s not their main thing and theo’s asked them to feature on a song with her. there are soooo many possibilities that could be lots of fun <33

MISC: “we used to party together all the time until that one thing happen that neither of us talk about and now we don’t do that anymore”, someone who took care of drunk theo once and ever since then she’s taken that as an open invitation to knock on your muse’s door at 3 am completely wasted, “we tried to date but the paparazzi caught us on a date and we were too scared / sick of the public eye so we never got far”, flirty friends who say no i’d never sleep with you haha…unless you’re down?, your muse was theo’s first time OR theo was your muse’s first time, stereotypical happy go lucky and grumpy relationship where the grumpy muse pretends not to enjoy the other’s presence, enemies but it can’t be anything petty it would have to be pretty serious so if u want that drama....

that’s the end i promise it’s finally over 😭😭😭 i truly just ramble & ramble im really so sorry abt that JSDJWBDJWBDJWBDJW i tried to include as much info as possible to make plotting a little easier for all of us so lets pray this works </3 u can come message me on discord to plot @ seulgi ily ʕ´• ᴥ•̥`ʔ#8172 so give this a like if u wanna .... do that ahahahaha x

#╰ ♡ . 𝒎𝒂𝒍𝒆 𝒇𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒔𝒊𝒆𝒔 𝒎𝒂𝒍𝒆 𝒇𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒔𝒊𝒆𝒔 ── ooc !#i didnt proof read a thing if u find a typo u can keep her <3 JSBDJWBDJW #this is . ridiculously long for no good reason im so sorry but now u know the real me ...#roses:intro

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starfleetdoesntfirefirst · 5 years

Text

self-aware narrative-changing subversion? hopefully.

As many people have pointed out:

Michael’s trauma and lack of support from anyone else have gotten more and more egregious this season.

It definitely seems like the writers are deliberately pushing her towards some form of breakdown/arc about how much pain she’s in.

The only way that her trauma has been addressed so far has been for Spock to tell her to stop shouldering the burden, rather than anyone stepping in to help and support her with her burdens.

This plotline is an example of the strong black woman trope, whether the narrative is uncritically using it or is heading toward a plotline that will attempt to subvert it.

By this time, that last question is starting to feel like the Lorca of this season—the big question that could drastically change the meaning of the narrative that came before it, or not, depending on how this plotline is concluded.

Last season we had “is the writing subverting or uncritically using the Rogue Male Antihero Who Does What Needs To Be Done trope?” This season we have “is the writing subverting or uncritically using the Strong Black Woman trope?”

While there’s a lot of difference of opinion on how effective the Lorca plotline was, I do think that it can be said that making him the narrative’s antagonist did:

Reveal that the writers were attempting to subvert the trope rather than using it uncritically, and

Change the meaning of the narrative that had gone before it.

I’m going to call this “self-aware narrative-changing subversion.”

IMO, there are roughly five options for what might happen this season:

1) The ‘Michael’s trauma + lack of support + self-sacrificing tendencies’ thread we’ve all been talking about is more or less ignored, she gets no significant support, and the thread does not tie essentially into the broader plotline.

2) The ‘Michael’s trauma + lack of support + self-sacrificing tendencies’ thread we’ve all been talking about is addressed with at least a scene or two of someone realizing she needs help and supporting/comforting her, but the thread does not tie essentially into the broader plotline.

The ‘Michael’s trauma + lack of support + self-sacrificing tendencies’ thread is not only addressed but also turns out to tie essentially into the broader plotline vis a vis the Red Angel/savior/Michael-as-savior connection…

3) …but the focus remains on the idea that Michael’s self-sacrificing tendencies are solely Michael’s fault, and that the primary change required for a happy ending is Michael changing her beliefs, still without significant support from those around her.

4) …and the narrative addresses the magnitude of Michael’s trauma, the focus is on the lack of support she has received and how that has been a factor in the development of her self-sacrificing tendencies, and the primary change required for a happy ending is the people around her beginning to support her.

5) A mixture of 3 and 4.

2, 4, and 5 are the self-aware narrative-changing subversion options--I feel like 5 would hew closest to the Lorca plot twist, in that it would definitely be self-aware and change the narrative that came before it, but in a somewhat messy way.

At this point, I am going out on a limb and predicting that we’re gonna get 3, 4 or 5, because the ingredients are all there: the way the magnitude of Michael’s trauma is beginning to seem deliberate on the part of the current writers (as opposed to the ‘just throw things at her’ attitude of Season 1); the Red Angel being a savior figure; Michael having the name of a biblical angel.

So that’s my prediction. My opinion? Yikes. 2, 4, and 5 are obviously preferable to 3 and 1. And I’d argue that even 1--no acknowledgement of Michael’s trauma + lack of support + self-sacrificing tendencies--is better than the deeply awful possibility that is 3--it’s all put on her again.

If I had to narrow my prediction down to one option? 5. I tentatively think, and hope, that the ‘Michael’s trauma + lack of support + self-sacrificing tendencies’ thread is going to tie essentially into the broader plotline, but I do not quite have the optimism to believe the emphasis will be solely on the magnitude of Michael’s trauma and the need for others to support her, without more “Just Learn To Take Care Of Yourself, Michael” as well.

(quick psychological side note: of course it’s important for Michael to learn to be less self-sacrificing, and of course she’s responsible for her own recovery, but it’s ridiculous to expect her to Just Change, without support, when she is still within the traumatic situation that hurt her in the first place.)

Meanwhile, if the writers actually come in clutch with 4, I will dance on the ceiling and never complain about anything on this show ever again.*

(*JK, I will totally complain about things on this show again.)

#michael burnham #dsc spoilers #discovery speculation #discovery predictions #discovery spoilers #spoilers #trauma #trauma cw

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funkzpiel · 5 years

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so what are your thoughts of FB2 after reading the screenplay?? i'm curious!!

Ooooh goodness – the short version of it is that I feel that the writing was messy and lazy, and that the characterizations and development was either non-existent or didn’t make sense most of the time. All in all, a hot mess that I found little to no entertainment out of – though it’s worth saying that I am sure the acting, music and visual effects of the actual movie would likely help at least make the story somewhat enjoyable.

For the long, savage version, look below the cut:

Honestly, where to fucking start…

NEWT SCAMANDER

Personally I thought Newt Scamander was incredibly out of character. Now I say this from a motivational stand point rather than acting, because I adore Eddie and I’m sure that if nothing else, he probably did a phenomenal job. However, I’m still hella caught on the following:

Newt won’t go to Paris for Credence. When the Ministry of Magic meets with him and basically tells him “Either you work for us or we’re going to send this lunatic to go kill him”, I honestly can’t believe that Newt said no. Now I get that he said no because he obviously doesn’t want to kill Credence, but you cannot convince me that Newt wouldn’t have a.) seen the opportunity to have his travel visa back and b.) seen the opportunity to use his position to safely fake Credence’s death or something and help him disappear. This is the boy he tried to save, who he thought dead, who “died” of the same thing that left him obviously emotionally traumatized in the first film after he couldn’t help save the girl in Sudan. And JK wants me to believe he was like naw, I’m cool, that guy can go kill him, peace. NO.

Newt won’t go to Paris for Dumbledore. Less of a stretch, considering what he could lose: his life, his freedom, the safety of his beasts. In fact, this makes sense. What pisses me off about this is that he said no to Dumbledore, but he instead GOES TO PARIS TO BONE TINA. So now, onto my third point…

NEWT FINALLY DECIDES TO RISK HIS FREEDOM AND THE SAFETY OF HIS FUCKING BEASTS, WHO WOULD UNDOUBTEDLY SUFFER IF THEY WERE CONFISCATED BY THE MINISTRY, JUST SO THAT HE COULD SEE TINA, WHICH WHEN HE SEES HER, HE IS THEN MYSTIFIED ABOUT WHY SHE’S UPSET EVEN THOUGH HE KNEW HE INSULTED HER IN A LETTER AND QUEENIE TOLD HIM THAT SHE HAD READ A TABLOID – WHICH DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THE FACT THAT TINA, CLEVER TINA, FELL FOR A FUCKING TABLOID AND THEN NEVER EVEN BOTHERED TO LIKE CLARIFY WITH NEWT – AND ALL OF THIS ACCORDING TO THE SCRIPT TAKES PLACE A YEAR AFTER THE EVENTS IN THE FIRST FILM. DURING THIS TIME THEY’VE WRITTEN LETTERS BUT NOT DATED, SO THIS MAN IS SOMEHOW SO FUCKING HUNG UP ON HER HE’D RISK HIS LIFE AND HIS CREATURES TO THEN BARELY DO ANYTHING TO RECTIFY ANYTHING WHEN HE FINALLY FOUND HER. HE COULD HAVE DONE THAT AT ANY POINT MIND YOU. IF THAT’S HIS FUCKING MOTIVATION, HE COULD HAVE JUST BROKE THE LAW WHENEVER TO SEE HER. OR YOU KNOW, TALK VIA FIRE. LETTERS. GOD ANY FUCKING COMMUNICATION THAT DOESN’T LEAD TO DEATH. NOT TO MENTION THAT ‘MISCOMMUNICATION’ IS THE SLOPPIEST MOTIVATION FOR STORYTELLING, DEAR GOD. BUT NO – HE DIDN’T GO TO PARIS FOR CREDENCE. HE DIDN’T RISK HIS LIFE FOR ANY SIGNIFICANT REASON. HE WENT SO HE COULD BONE TINA. AND TELL HER THAT SHE HAD FUCKING SALAMANDER EYES.

Further more with the mischaracterization of Newt, in the script the Zouwu was described to have burst from a box that was on fire, incredibly malnourish, scarred and abused. You want me to believe that a.) an abused animal would have fucking done a 180 on the terrified scale for a fucking bird toy and b.) NEWT WOULDN’T HAVE REACTED AT ALL TO THE FACT THAT THIS WAS AN ABUSED ANIMAL THAT NEEDED CAREFUL HANDLING?! Qed pointed out that the neglect wasn’t obvious in the film, so I’ll give it that – but this is the way it’s written and it’s so fucking sloppy. Like the scene when he saves this cat could have been amazing. It could have showcased that Newt does something truly special and unique. Could have shown us HOW he calms beasts rather than turned it into comedic relief (which would have been fine if it wasn’t an abuse case), AND it could have been a moment for Tina to be reminded of why she is attracted to Newt instead of us being forced to believe these two stupid assholes have been pining for no real reason for each other for a year. NOT TO MENTION that this could have then led into an actual motivation for Newt to fight or be involved in Paris because you can’t tell me that Newt fucking Scamander wouldn’t want to find the asshole who abused that cat, save any other involved creatures and kill that man.

Also he trained the Niffler. His motto in the first film is that he doesn’t keep his creatures. Now at Zoos there’s a level of training wild animals to safely get them here and there, and interact with them. Newt trained the Niffler extensively. That isn’t the behavior of a man rehabilitating an animal for the wild.

And then there’s the scene with Theseus chasing down Newt and Tina and they’re mad that he’s chasing them? And say he’s over reacting? OK BUT HAVE YOU TOLD HIM ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING?! NO. All he knows is that his brother just broke the fucking law on a critical degree and to make matters more stinging, is using his own fucking face to do it. The scene is written so you’re rooting for Tina and Newt (specifically Newt) and if it weren’t for the fact that Newt is only there to bone Tina, maybe I would, but damn if I wasn’t livid and rooting for Theseus tbh.

QUEENIE GOLDSTEIN

What. The ever living fuck. Did she do. To. Queenie. This film had a prime opportunity to continue on the foundation of the first film and really build Queenie into something great. In the first film we see Queenie as a young woman who doesn’t think much of herself. She kind of infers that she knows she’s really only useful for looking pretty and fetching coffee when she tells Newt and Jacob that “Teenie’s the working gal”. But by the end of the film, Queenie has saved the gang once or twice, managed to bust through the security of the office of the Director of Magical Security, thought quick on her feet, leveraged people and in general just be a subtle badass. And she learned to love and to let go – and then when to fight for what she believes in when she came back for Jacob.

But the second film has turned her identity into “I NEED TO BE MARRIED”. That’s not a healthy relationship for one. She and Jacob have talked about this. Jacob never said they needed to split. But he did say he was afraid of pursuing marriage for her safety – for both their safety, honestly – because what fucking good is a fucking piece of paper that honestly means nothing but “says” they’re married if they’re fucking dead? But what did Queenie do? SHE USED MAGIC TO MAKE HIM ACT AGAINST HIS WILL. That’s just – I can’t even begin to talk about the level of fucked up that. And god, how disparaging to that character too, Queenie is so much more than that! She could be so much more than that! Instead she’s made to look crazy. She could have gone into politics to fight for Muggle/Wizard relationships – but no. Honestly there’s so many more interesting avenues to explore with this character. Or if you wanted to send her to Grindelwald, more interesting ways to do it! Maybe Grindelwald is the only one (in her mind) who knows how to undo an obliviation because it’s in fact dark magic to manipulate the mind on the level it would take to undo it! Maybe she’s in Paris trying to figure that out and Grindelwald lies and says he knows how to do it. I’d be more interested in Queenie working to restore Jacob rather than control him. And she’s obsessed! Her entire character has been so heavily warped into “I WANT TO BE MARRIED” that she disregards all the fucking destruction she first hand knows Grindelwald has done and in the script is literally says that “she is his, heart and soul”. THAT LEVEL OF DEDICATION. For no more that a fucking fluttering second of “Muggles are basically live stock, but I know some of you love them, we don’t have to kill them all.” SHE JUST IGNORES LIKE ALL THE REST OF IT. I just… she’s such a fucking hollow, messy sham of a character and it’s truly sad, because she could have been perfect example of “woman who thought she was only what society told her she was – pretty, someone who needed to get married, etc. – and realized she’s so much more than that. She’s a PERSON. Someone who is powerful and can truly make a difference. And that she can love, but she can also be QUEENIE GOLDSTEIN who happens to be in love rather than QUEENIE GOLDSTEIN WHO IS ONLY AS GOOD AS WHO SHE LOVES AND IF SHE MARRIES THEM.

TINA GOLDSTEIN

Tina doesn’t act angry around Newt at all in the beginning. She’s described to be walking with an “inner sadness” (because bright, clever AUROR TRAINED Tina fell for a tabloid). And yet half way through the film we find out she and Newt had a falling out via letter. And she only at that moment reacts to it. I want Tina giving Newt the cold fucking shoulder about that. Not to mention that the whole “you’re engaged” thing is stupid and shouldn’t even be included because literally all she needed to do was investigate a little or send a letter with the article included like “Congrats!” and he’d be like “Oh, no, I’m the best man, papers are dumb”. Give me Tina who’s actually upset about what Newt said about Aurors. Give me a Tina who slowly warms back up to Newt. Give me a relationship that makes sense and actually needs work and repair and communication damn it.

JACOB

They fucking reduced him to one motivation: “When can I eat next?” I cannot tell you how many times he’s literally used as comedic relief as the “fat guy” and just blurts out “I’m looking for food” in any tense or awkward situation. He is a war vet. He is a man in love with a society forbidden to his kind. He is potentially in the middle of a war and he sees visions of a war to come. He is more than his weight or his appetite. He also should be a little more savvy at this point. And he just magically remembers because he only had good memories??? Fine, but weak as fuck.

GELLERT GRINDELWALD

JK wants me to believe that the man who couldn’t dodge a fucking glorified stick-hand-throw-toy creature was able to apparate onto a moving vehicle in bad weather above water. A magical move that is supposed to be hard even on stable, non-moving terrain. A magical move that can splinch and maim. HE COULDN’T DODGE NEWT, BUT HE CAN APPARATE ONTO A MOVING, UNSTEADY VEHICLE AT NIGHT. He’s supposed to be powerful – fuck yeah, I’m onboard – but damn, you certainly didn’t MAKE HIM POWERFUL IN THE FIRST FILM WHEN HE WASN’T BEING TORTURED FOR A YEAR BY MACUSA. I would have been more impressed and more keen to believe him escaping from inside the carriage that doing that OP move. The fight scene in 1 is so anti-climatic and here he is at the top of 2, exhausted hobo-mage doing an epic, unbelievably unrealistic fight scene.

Also fuck Abernathy. Fucking why. Blah.

And then he throws that gremlin thing out the window. For no reason. What, to show us he’s cruel even though they’re building a morally grey narrative for him? Certainly doesn’t help endear me to him when the whole point of the film is he is charismatic and endearing and able to convince people that the world is grey and that the forces of good are not actually good for the people at all. Of which – so heavy handed about abuse of power. They cut his TONGUE out. Lovely. “AMERICA IS FULL OF BARBARIANS”, cool thanks got it. They have like magic to silence him, but they cut out his tongue. Wizards don’t believe in punching, but they cut out his tongue.

“He’s the hero of his own story, he’s morally grey, he’s doing it for the greater good, he’s charismatic and charming!”

Grindelwald: kills a family for their home, including their child (who honestly, based off his dialogue, I thought he was going to enslave and then he killed him. Has a whole bit about how they’re livestock and don’t need to all die, and then he kills all of them).

“He’s charismatic and easy to follow and has a point I swear!”

He just… He’s so boring. He could have been so interesting, so layered, and instead he’s contradictory and nonsensical and honestly I didn’t find him charismatic either – like what the fuck, I wanted so much more.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

Actually he’s precisely the dick I expected based off the books. So not much to say about him, tbh, I think he was nailed down right. He’s manipulative to a disgusting degree and it shows. I’ve always had a love, hate relationship with Dumbledore and that definitely continued in this – so I don’t have much to say about him here. He was well done.

CREDENCE

What. The. Fuck. Now here’s what I’m pissed about with Credence. When we first see him, he’s basically BUSTING OUT OF PRISON (the Carnival). AWESOME. I AM ON BOARD. Where the fuck is this character development?! It feels like we were flung into the ending of another fucking movie. I’m so proud of him for stepping up, for making a relationship with another person, and for fighting for his safety and to escape. But JESUS YOU NEED TO SHOW ME HOW WE WENT FROM THE SNIVELING, TERRIFIED BOY WHO COULDN’T CONTROL HIMSELF TO THE HARD YOUNG MAN WHO FUCKING BROKE HIMSELF AND ANOTHER PERSON OUT OF A BAD, ABUSIVE SITUATION. How the fuck did he even get there? How did he and Nagini build a relationship so strong that once free she FOLLOWED HIM?! Like this is a powerful result of character building that we NEVER SEE FOR NO FUCKING REASON.

Also you expect me to believe that he – without once fucking bringing it up – fucking trusts and believes and willingly goes with Grindelwald? The man who stole another man’s identity, led him on a ruse, manipulated his emotions and then BURNED THAT RELATIONSHIP TO THE GROUND?! I get that he has information, but in my mind I think Credence could’ve have focused on a lot of different avenues before he ever came close to willingly going to Grindelwald. If Grindelwald were like snuffing multiple attempts at information at every turn (rather than just one attempt) - sure. But like… this man… AFTER EVERYTHING HE DID… I need MORE to make me believe Credence would have gone with him. God, I would have believed Credence fighting and pursuing him to find Mr. Graves. OR Grindelwald using Rossier to provide information through a face Credence could ‘trust’ and reveal at the end it was him all along. Perhaps Rossier gives him the information and then says, “I know someone who can help you avenge the life that was stolen from you. I know someone who can help you change the world, Credence. No more abuse. No more looked over children. No more pain. He’s speaking tonight in the cemetery. You should come with me.” And Credence goes and it’s Grindelwald – and his speech is a balm he didn’t know he needed, and finally he draws Credence up and says, “Look how I’ve paved the way for you, the lengths I’ve gone to, all for you. I want to rectify my mistakes, Credence. I want to help you. Let me help you.” There were just MORE BELIEVABLE WAYS, JESUS.

LETA

…why the fuck did she walk into the fire? I know why she did, but on a writing stand point it was just to make the scene flashy, tbh. There were other fucking options. I just fucking can’t. I will say, I like the development in Leta. I like seeing the beast of burden on her shoulders. She still felt a bit hollow and like… unnecessary, tbh, and I hate that her and Theseus being together was only for drama that never gets talked about or fucking resolved. I feel a lot was missing for her – and for her relationships. Honestly I don’t care for her or Credence being involved. I’d much rather see Newt, Tina and the gang struggling to figure out how to battle discontent, fear and propaganda. This feels needlessly convoluted on an M.Night scale. She’s just there (narratively) to hurt Newt and Theseus. She didn’t have her own purpose for existence.

PLOT HOLES

Film 1: NOTHING CAN SAVE A CHILD WITH AN OBSCURUS.

Film 2: THE LOVE OF A SIBLING CAN SAVE CREDENCE, PROBABLY, EVEN THOUGH HE’S HONESTLY DOING JUST FINE.

What a clean, one dialogue line fix to what was a HUGE PROBLEM in the last film across not only Credence’s timeline, but Newt’s with the girl from Sudan.

THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC IN FRANCE IS CALLED THE FRENCH MINISTRY OF MAGIC, WHAT THE FUCK. Like the FRENCH WOMAN who was working reception called it that. They don’t have their own unique name for their government. They were like “oh, guess we’ll just be the French version of the Ministry of Magic.” I’d get it if she’d been like, hello, welcome to [enter very beautiful french name here] and tina was like “what now?” and the woman rolled her eyes and said, “The French Ministry of Magic” like ‘let me spell it out for you, jesus’. But no. THEY MULTIPLE TIMES JUST REFER TO IT THAT WAY. I will never believe it wouldn’t have it’s own unique name. What the fuck. Like MACUSA isn’t the “American Ministry of Magic”.

Harry Potter Books: THE KILLING CURSE IS A POWERFUL, DARK AND ILLEGAL THING. YOU HAVE TO WANT TO KILL. IT’S SIGNIFICANT AND RARE.

Fantastic Beasts 2: Killing Curses everywhere. Just willy knilly. Everyone, even Aurors, casting killing curses.

Queenie stuck at Grindelwald’s hideout because Rossier wants her to meet Grindelwald is quickly followed by Grindelwald basically saying “Join me” and then “You’re an innocent, leave this place.” The whole thing makes no damn sense, but cool, cool.

Also can we talk about JK just fucking regurgitating themes like a broken fucking record? TWO FATED BABIES, BOTH WHO END UP ORPHANS (well in this case one died) but like, TRAGIC SONS. Young boy who is abused in his foster care system but is SPECIAL ™. YER A WIZARD, CREDENCE. A FATED, TRAGIC BOY AND YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN KILL X PERSON.

It’s just a hot fucking sloppy mess of a story on a writing perspective, and I expected more.

#spoilers #also to be brief it's hot garbage and i'm disappointed #the crimes of jk rowling #the crimes of grindelwald

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fuckyeahimbrown · 6 years

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Dying Inside (The war of grief)

by Deborah Schurman-Kauflin Ph.D.

I am sorry you have found your way to this article because more than likely, you are reading it because you are suffering. In an instant, your life changed forever. You heard the news that no one ever wants to hear, words so horrible that you can’t even process them. Maybe your child was killed. Perhaps your loved one was diagnosed with a terminal disease, or it could have been you who got the bad news of illness. Your heart may have been broken when the love of your life betrayed you. And let’s not forget the silent grief of a child who has been abused and withers inside. There are many horrors in this world, and you may be one of the wounded warriors who limp through life after your life was destroyed.

I have worked with families of murder victims and police for many years. I also spend time advocating for those who have incurable, painful illnesses. In all my years, I have seen so much suffering and witnessed the secret tears of those who life has left behind. This article is for those of you who know the pains of great misery and the reality of how the world treats you when you are down.

Anyone who has been through a real trauma knows how it impacts your life. Devastation surrounds you, and at the time you need help most, many times, you don’t get it. In fact for a large group, help never comes.

Instead of softened empathy, you’ll hear all kinds of platitudes of how life’s sucker punch will make you stronger. Others will say it is part of some big mysterious universal plan that you are not allowed to know about, and that you simply must accept it (get over it). Then some will say the trauma was a good thing to bring about change in your life. For those of you out there that have heard these words, you know exactly how it made you feel. This notion that having your heart ripped out can make you stronger is nonsense. Destruction weakens you. It is the nature of the beast. Pain and suffering do not fortify you. They act like an anchor dragging you further and further into a dark pit. At best, some days all you can do is survive.

The raw nature of true trauma goes much deeper than societies will allow. What I mean by that is those suffering indeed suffer alone. In our world, people are not interested in hearing about the horror stories of others’ lives unless the stories are packaged into neat one hour television shows. To say that modern society is shallow is terrible understatement. People have become quite psychopathic in their lack of empathy.

Truth is very ugly. Anyone who has lived through or is living through hell knows what a horrific event can do to you. It ruins who you once were, and you know you will never be the same again. When your life has suffered a fatal blow, there is no coming back from that. You can’t be who you used to be. That simply is not possible, and for people who surround you, such a notion is unacceptable. People want you to be the sister, the wife, the brother, the husband or whoever they once knew. But how can you be who you were before that horrible event? After and during trauma, you are damaged. You change inside which is difficult for others. This can result in abandonment by people you thought were your friends. So many times, a husband will leave a sick wife or vice versa. ‘Friends’ slowly migrate away. Thus the hurt individual gets a double whammy.

There are many theories about grief, and people are not shy about telling you how they think you should be coping. However, there is no guide book for how you must respond to tragedy. Having worked with parents of murdered children and advocating for those suffering from incurable illnesses, I have seen what the war of grief does to human beings. They become battered as if combat veterans. They take one ‘punch’ right after another while doing their best to stay standing in a world that just doesn’t care about them. People will say that they care, but when you look at their behavior, it tells a much different story.

Sufferers are told hope is frail but difficult to destroy. They are lectured about how they must ‘get over’ the tragedy because it weighs them down. This advice is particularly cruel to those who lost a loved one or those enduring a horrible illness. There is no getting over having your life shattered into little pieces. Reality doesn’t work that way. Sure it reads well in books and sounds good in classes, but real life is very different from the world of ideas. If you have endured such things, you won’t get over it. You can integrate it into who you are, but you won’t forget.

Society in general has become quite indifferent to suffering of others. We have been so desensitized by the world’s traumas that our fellow man has become an object to be ignored. Anyone who has had the misfortune of being diagnosed with a bad illness knows how the medical system treats those who are suffering. Beyond the misdiagnoses and incorrect labels, patients suffer almost every indignity. When doctors cannot figure out what ailment patients have, patients automatically get labeled as head cases. Imagine what that does to someone suffering from a painful incurable disease that has been undiagnosed. Or take the example of the mother whose daughter had been murdered and her case botched by officers who were overly anxious to go off the clock. As she cried for justice she was told that this is the way things are, and she needed to pick up a hobby to distract her. One therapist told her to pick up a musical instrument, and she could strum her pain away!

So many parents of murdered children or those who are sick have had ‘friends’ slowly slide away as if no one will notice their absence. The fact is such people don’t want to see what could happen to them. The suffering is an ugly reminder to everyone what can happen in life, and for the shallow, walking away is easy. Then they don’t have to see the ugliness and can walk through life with their blinders on. And it isn’t just friends who jump off the sinking ship. Family members scatter as well. These fair weather relatives slink away when the going gets tough, but should there be any improvement, they come trotting back as if nothing ever happened. Yet the person who was going through the trauma knows exactly what transpired and what their fickle friends and family really are. There is no forgetting that.

Life destroying trauma is not something that the sufferer can get over. It bores into their souls and creates a new worldview where people become the enemy because frankly, they are. Few truly understand them which leads to isolation and an increasing inability to relate. If people are kicked when they are down, the injury sticks.

I know this sounds so ominous. Real life is messy and complicated and many times cruel. How many times have you gone through something so unbelievably horrifying that you can’t understand how it could have happened? You become lost in grief, almost as if in a parallel universe where everything seems backwards. Nothing is right, and without fail, when you are at your lowest point, bad things keep happening.

However, you are not alone.

There are others like you out there. There are walking wounded all around you who have learned to keep silent about their suffering. The pain you feel can be lessened. I’m going to be honest with you and say that your pain will never fully go away. Your loss will always be there, but this doesn’t mean that you cannot have a life after a trauma. It won’t be the life you planned, and I know how painful that can be. Just getting out of bed can be the best you can do in a day. If you think that is not big deal, then look at it another way. If you got out of bed, consider a victory. You did something, and that can be a first step. However, it will not be easy to find a new way of living. There are many obstacles in your way. Yet just trying can help build your self esteem.

I met a woman who was the victim of two attempted sexual homicides. Yes, you read that correctly. She was the victim twice in her life. The first time she was in her late teens, an attacker broke into her home. He raped and beat her, leaving her for dead. She was crippled physically and emotionally from the attack. Almost twenty years later, she was attacked again. Raped and strangled and left for dead, she somehow managed to survive. She does volunteer work for victims when she can and has managed to find some happiness in her life by helping others. However, she was very clear to me that the pain of the attacks is with her every day. It is not something she forgets, and she is very angry with her family and the mental health profession.

Her family left her one by one as time went on. They uttered such phrases as ‘you are too bitter for me’ or ‘you need to move on’ when she was suffering from the long term physical effects from the attempted murders. Professionals were no better. Doctors told her she shouldn’t still be having such horrible headaches years later and that she should just get used to the pain that went along with her traumatic brain injury. They told her not even to ask for any pain medication because they weren’t going to give it to her. She went to a balance disorder specialist who was rated as being compassionate. He gave her one heart medication for her dizziness which didn’t work. When she went back, the doctor said he didn’t want to try anything else, and she should just learn to live with her condition. Doctors failed her and treated her like dirt.

Counselor after counselor dropped her when she wasn’t progressing the way they wanted. She didn’t fit neatly into a box, so they didn’t know what to do with her. The first therapist wanted her to take a nerf bat and hit the wall when she got angry. When this didn’t help her, the therapist suggested blowing bubbles to reconnect with her childhood. Needless to say, this didn’t do the trick. So off she went to counselor number two. Number two wanted the victim to explore how she played a part in causing the attacks. What did she do in her life that drew these killers to her? When she reacted badly to this, the therapist dismissed her saying that she couldn’t heal until she owned up to her role in the attacks!

Number three simply refused to take her on as a client because she was seen a trouble maker who had already been to two professionals. Number four wanted her to journal her feelings. She said that just upset her more, and the psychiatrist gave her heavy doses of antidepressants. This improved her mood slightly but did nothing to help her work through her grief. When that doctor had nothing more to offer, the victim kept moving to find someone to help. It took seven professionals before she found one who was sympathetic, didn’t suggest that she was at fault, and took the time to simply listen. The victim said the best thing anyone did for her was to listen. The bad advice just made her angry and did nothing to heal her.

What those who are on the outside looking in don’t understand is that trauma becomes a part of who you are and colors how you view life. There is no magic pill to make it go away. There is no one with an enchanted wand to set this right. It is on the shoulders of those suffering to make a decision to live. I know how this sounds, but it is true. You must decide that you want a life. It won’t be the life you imagined, but you can find something better than the misery you live in. Those who have been through a deep trauma understand that the happiness will always be tempered by a hint of sadness. Yet there can be something better for you. When you are in the depths of despair, it seems impossible. But if you try to find something that gives you joy, you can find yourself actually laughing and smiling. I know your heart has been battered, and you will always be guarded. This is part of who you are now.

I can’t say what will do the trick for you. Only you can find what can make you happy. All I know is that the best thing you can do is try to find something that you love to do. Try to find someone who is sympathetic who can help point out resources which can be more tailored to you. Someone who is suffering from your illness or someone who has lost a loved one may know a good therapist or group that can help you. Just the thought of reaching out can be traumatizing, yet taking control of your life by stepping out can be helpful.

Don’t give up. You can find your spirit again. Keep looking for something you can love. Only you can do that, and the good news is that you don’t need someone else to take that first step. You have the power to do that. Give yourself the gift of easing your pain by doing something just for you. And keep trying. Reward yourself for taking the baby steps because you deserve every reward.

#depression #social anxiety #grief #hopelessness #empty #sorrow #mental illness #loneliness #mental health #help #lost #dying inside

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fem-mem-mine · 4 years

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At the posthumous retrial of Joan of Arc in 1455, two decades after she was burned at the stake as a witch and a heretic, she was declared an innocent martyr. During the trial, a personal valet offered evidence of Joan of Arc’s piety and purity during her 19 years on Earth: “She never suffered from the secret illness of women.” As far as the people closest to her knew, he claimed, she never got her period.

Saintly qualifications aside, amenorrhea—the abnormal absence of periods—has historically been linked with misfortune. In 400 b.c., Hippocrates wrote that “when the menses are stopped, diseases from the uterus take place.” In 1652, the physician Nicolas Fontanus identified amenorrhea “as the most universal and most usual cause” for palsy, melancholy, burning fevers, nausea, headaches, and a distaste for meat. Some 18th-century physicians believed that suppressed menses could cause a married woman to spiral into deep hysteria, and even in 1961, the epidemiologist Frances Drew proposed that a young woman might manifest mental anguish by losing her period.

But some doctors today offer amenorrhea to patients as young as age 14 or 15: Menstruation has now become an elective bodily process. “Once your periods are established, we can turn them off,” Sophia Yen, a pediatrics professor at Stanford Medical School, told me. “We now have the technology to make periods optional.”

Few are as passionate as Yen about the possibility of a world with far less cyclical bleeding. “It’s my crusade,” said Yen, who also co-founded and runs Pandia Health, a birth-control-delivery company. “This is my moonshot.” People who have periods spend an average of 2,300 days of their lives menstruating. If more people chose to silence their period—or even just dial down the volume—that would mean a decrease in iron deficiency (which women experience at far higher rates than men), and fewer plastic tampon applicators littering landfills.

Yen envisions the period of periods soon coming to an end. But even though menstruation is often messy, painful, and expensive, it’s a meaningful fixture of adulthood for some, and one that can be hard to let go of.

Gabrielle, a 24-year-old who lives in St. Petersburg, Florida, got her first period in fourth grade. (The Atlantic allowed her and others in this story to use their first name only, to protect their privacy.)

“It felt incredibly, incredibly unfair,” she told me, to have been the first among her friends to menstruate. “There were all these little moments where it was embarrassing and bad and painful and weird”—sneaking off to the bathroom with bulky pads stuffed in her shirt, swimming while on her period, learning how to use tampons. Then, at 20, Gabrielle got a hormonal IUD (intrauterine device) for birth control and, as a side effect, stopped getting regular periods. “It feels really good to not worry” about keeping the bathroom well stocked or missing a day of work, she said. “I will keep getting an IUD until I’m ready to get pregnant.”

Today, any doctor will tell you there is no medical necessity for periods unless you’re trying to conceive. The body preps for pregnancy by thickening the uterus’s lining, like a bird building a nest for her eggs; hormonal birth control prevents pregnancy, in part, by keeping the uterine lining from ever building up. Many of the roughly 19 million Americans who rely on the pill, the shot, IUDs, implants, patches, or rings see a change in their period—often it’s lighter, but it can also disappear altogether. In clinical trials, more than 40 percent of the Liletta IUD’s users no longer menstruated by the end of the product’s six-year life. More than half of people who get the Depo-Provera shot every three months will become amenorrhoeic within a year, and almost 70 percent in the second year. And anyone using the pill, patch, or ring can safely skip scheduled withdrawal bleeding.

But getting a lighter flow as a side effect of birth control is different from choosing a contraceptive method in the hopes of turning off a period completely, and there are all sorts of reasons someone would want to do so. The cost of so-called feminine products can add up to thousands of dollars over a person’s lifetime: A recent study found that nearly two-thirds of low-income women surveyed in St. Louis couldn’t afford menstrual-hygiene products during the previous year. (This study, and others cited in this story, did not specify whether participants included trans men or nonbinary people who get periods). Amenorrhea can be a medical necessity for people with certain health conditions—such as those born without an intact uterus and vagina. It’s also a treatment option for heavy bleeding or otherwise painful periods, which afflict about one in five women, and can help relieve symptoms of polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), which affects 6 to 12 percent of U.S. women of reproductive age. Or a period simply may be one burden too many, especially during a pandemic: A tweet in March proclaiming that “menstrual cycles also need to be suspended until this ordeal is over” started racking up hundreds of thousands of likes.

For those whose periods are not just a monthly nuisance, but a medical complication in and of itself, amenorrhea can be a revelation. Valentina, a 20-year-old in Medellín, Colombia, was diagnosed with PCOS at 14, after her periods became practically intolerable. “The cramps were so, so strong; I couldn’t walk. I went through one tampon in one hour. I couldn’t sleep at night,” she told me. “It was traumatic.” In 2017, Valentina got a hormonal IUD and has since stopped menstruating. “After losing it, you see how much easier life is,” she said. “I’m not sure I want to have a period again.” For Nik, a 20-year-old transgender man living in Chicago, getting an IUD to suppress his period provided both mental and physical relief. “You don’t want the physical reminder every month that you weren’t born in the right body,” he told me. He went from doubling up on pads and tampons to, now, the occasional spotting.

For more than a decade, associations of obstetricians and gynecologists have assured doctors that it is safe for patients to try to reduce or eliminate menstrual bleeding—for personal or medical reasons—with hormonal contraception. There is far less certainty about how often that’s actually happening.

A 2013 survey asked 4,039 women of reproductive age in North and South America and Europe about hormonal contraception and periods; one-third said they knew it was possible to regularly reduce menstrual bleeding with birth control, and about 10 percent of respondents had done so. Other, much smaller studies have also documented the use of birth control to suppress periods. In 2016, researchers examined menstrual suppression among 400 Iranian Muslims who had made the pilgrimage to Mecca; they found that all but a few reported taking birth-control pills to quiet their period, and three-quarters of them successfully. A 2011 questionnaire of 500 U.S. veterans found that two-thirds of them had wanted to suppress their cycle during their deployment, and almost all of the subjects expressed a desire for mandatory education on how they could use birth control to avoid menstruating in combat zones.

Yen sees a future in which many more people know they can opt out, and do—in which no one menstruates unless they’re within two years of their first period or are trying to get pregnant. “In my ideal world, it would be about 28 periods over the course of a lifetime,” she said. Right now, that figure is in the hundreds. For Yen, a mother of two daughters—a 10-year-old who hasn’t gotten her period and a 13-year-old who has—that rebalancing would place her own children on a more level playing field with boys. Without periods, she says, they won’t miss two days of school or work each month, or get cramps during the SAT or swim meets, or deal with any of the other related stresses. “I want them to be competitive against those who don’t have uteruses,” Yen said. “Teenage years are so turbulent and horrific as is. I don’t want them to suffer unnecessarily—and I can alleviate this for my child.”

But a period-free future still remains a radical idea. “Menstruation can limit some people, but I reject that’s true for everybody,” says Colleen Krajewski, a family-planning specialist for the University of Pittsburgh’s Center for Contraception and Family Planning. Many people, for example, rely on periods to know they’re not pregnant. Those recovering from eating disorders might see them as a sign that they’ve begun recovering from malnourishment. And some just enjoy the feeling of being in touch with their monthly cycle.

One key reason people will continue to opt in is the persistent, deep-set discomfort about not having your period. Last October, a group of researchers in Indiana and South Carolina reported that across a mix of focus groups, individual interviews, and online surveys, “most found the idea of not menstruating strange, unhealthy, and worrisome.” In a small, 2016 experiment, Canadian researchers discovered that a majority of the participants were suspicious of ads that presented the pharmaceutical suppression of cycles as a lifestyle choice; many specifically cited health concerns. “I know my body is healthy when it bleeds every month,” one participant told researchers, “and I would be very concerned if that didn’t happen.”

Patients tend to have a lot of questions about what not menstruating means for their reproductive health, says Margaret Nachtigall, a reproductive endocrinologist at NYU’s Langone Health. Do I risk infertility? Am I losing bone density? Am I clogging up with trapped menstrual blood? Some people harbor the unsettling misconception that without a period, toxic blood will build up inside them, Chelsea Polis, of the Guttmacher Institute, has found in her research. “That’s very scary for someone to worry about that,” Polis told me.

And that confusion makes sense, because amenorrhea can be a symptom of medical conditions such as eating disorders, pituitary or thyroid disease, and hepatitis. “Not getting a period is normally something worth investigating,” Nachtigall says. She and other gynecologists told me many of their patients struggle to feel normal without a period. I certainly did. I haven’t had a regular period since 2017, when I got my hormonal IUD. After so many years of ebbs and flows, I felt inert, as if my body couldn’t tell time once unmoored from its monthly cycle. It was an uncomfortable realization: I hated having my period, and I also hated losing it.

Yen fields similar concerns from her patients. “I tell them, ‘It’s okay to bleed less,’” she said. “The reason people feel like it’s quote ‘unnatural’ is that so many of us have had one every month for so long.”

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silveliningsamongpandemoniu-blog · 7 years

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Friends & Their Beguilement

Life is a funny thing, when we were younger, we were eager to grow up. But now that we’re grown we’re eager to go back to the times when the world could go no wrong. Life is an idea that all strive to fulfill without knowing how. Life can sometimes be crappy. And it can sometimes be great. In this world, it is easy to lose yourself while on this journey to find yourself. The spontaneity of youth drives us to live how we see fit, regardless of the consequences. Every bad experience I got through temporarily leave me weak but forever makes me stronger. I’ve experienced loss when it comes to love, friends, family, and even myself. But through all the pain I’ve experienced, I haven’t forgotten how to love the life and the individuals I encounter in my life. At the end of the day, I know pain has a silver lining, whether that thing is a lesson or something that will make dealing with life easier. I know it’s all for a reason and that the silver lining in every bad situation will be light in my future and present happiness.

Blessings in Disguise

“Sometimes God teaches allows us to experiences disappointment only to teach us lessons that we could not learn other way, The way which we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meaning that is underlying them.” (Anonymous)

…

“You know Tosha is crying, right? Tati asked. It was a Monday, and I had just got to school. I was just talked to her on Saturday so I was really curious as to what could have her so upset.

“No. I wonder why?” I replied.

“You think she knows about that thing?”

“I mean…I doubt it but…” I began to truly wonder if she had known.

The school counselor, Ms. Martha, Tosha, and I sat in this room It was small, stuffy, and drab. Beyond all the messy papers, a desk that was too small for the both of us, the stinge of protocol drenched the air. Frankly, the thought that a school counselor has to be called to resolve this situation really irked me, and I felt it was unnecessary.

“Do you know why you’re here?” Marth inquired. Tosha glared at me with swollen eyes and a look that could kill. Oh shit…

“No.”

“Tosha.” She began, regarding her with pity filled eyes, “Would you like you to tell her?” She replied with a violent shake of the head.

“Well,” Martha paused to gather her words, “I called you in here today because Tosha was informed of a certain situation. Are you aware of this?”

That’s the day my life began to fall apart.

It was 2010 and it was my first day beginning my freshmen year of high school. I was excited to be placed in Mrs. Cameron’s advisory because I was already familiar with her, and she had really cute boys in her advisory. There was this locker in the back in the back of the classroom that I had wanted but because of senior priority, this boy named Leory had got it. I ended up getting the floor cabinet adjacent to it and was disappointed about it. During advisory, I got real familiar with Isaac Clay and Leroy Bean. Also, Chislon Palmer, but he wasn’t actually in our advisory; he just always hung around. The one that I paid most attention to was Leroy though. There was something about his 5’11 stature, dark skin, and personality that kept my eye. Soon after that, Leroy and I exchanged numbers and our relationship began. Our relationship flourished off the that we were both emotional through poems, writing, and songs.

Into our relationship, he shared with me that he had a first loves and that her name was Mercedez. He said he never loved anyone as much as he loved her and that he dealt with her mood swings because that’s what love as. At fifteen, I believed that was love because I trusted that he would tell me something that we he believed and would live by. Through hearing about his relationship with Mercedez and how reliant he was with her, I began to contemplate how it would be to be with him. Afterall, I met him at a time when my first love had left me unexpectedly and maybe I was looking for someone to fill that gap unconsciously.

By the summer of my freshmen year, Leroy and I had become extremely close and he started to come over about every weekend to spend time with me. During the time he would come over, we talk to each other, we would go to the park, and we would just chill. It was almost like we were in a relationship without titles. He was by my side at all times. At fifteen, I began to wonder if this was what adults called loved. Consequently, we became one, and I didn’t regret it.

It was a dreadful day…My eyes were swollen and I was shaking all out of fear. I slowly types the text:

To Leroy: Still no.

I waited…

From Leroy:…

To Leroy:What do you mean

I waited…10 minutes…15 minutes…then I got scared. Would I be in this alone?

To Leroy:Leroy?

From Leoy: Ill call you later

Seconds felt like hours and hours felt like days but he did manage to call me later that night. I had managed to avoid my mother all day. Had she saw me, I probably would have broken down and thrown away the little sanity I had left.

“Hello?” I answered raspily.

“Hey,: He replied softly.

“So,”I took a big breath to calm down. “It’s been a couple of days.”

“Member the first time?”

“Yes but then it came.”

“Yea”

“I don’t think it is this time…”

“Why?”

“It’s later than last time.”

“Don’t stress.”

“Ok.”

And with that, I resolved my stress only slightly to please him Around the sixth day the missing punctuation mark, I invited him over after telling him the news.

“I can’t cry anymore,” I said.

Silence. I snuggled myself on the couch and hugged myself. He rose from the floor and hugged me, then felt my stomach, and pulled his hand back, I guess alarmed at how hard my stomach actually was.

“I’m sorry,”I whispered.

“I’m sorry,” He replied, voice breaking slightly. I descended to his level and sat on his lap facing him as if he was cradling me. His eye was red and he sniffled. I pretended not to notice. It was funny that this was happening around the time it was. His birthday was coming up shortly and it would be one of a birthday present it say, “Congratulations, you’re a father!”

I imagined Leroy and I would begin to like that one rap song by J. Cole:

He said: “A nigga barely over 20, where the hell we gonna live?...

I refuse to bring my baby boy or girl in this world

When I aint got shit to give em…

And girl I know it hurts, but

If this world was perfect, we can it work but I doubt it…”

Then I’d say: “Trying to take away a life, is you God muthafucka?

I don’t think so, this new life here up in my stomach

Regardless if I’m your wife, this new life here

Imma love it, I aint budging”

We “Lost One” by divine intervention but Leroy wanted that anyways This, at the time, was the most traumatic thing I had ever went through, and it had emotionally left me weak. That instantaneous maternal love that mysteriously grows within a woman is a real thing and that love grows out of when that woman is young and misguided. My love for Leroy had grown to a certain level before that as well seeing as I had tried to make that lifestyle work. After we got over our lost one. He turned around and left me for my best friend and someone I considered a sister, Tosha. By doing that, I began to feel as though I wasn’t good enough to keep him around or even be labeled as his girlfriend. I did not begin to acknowledge my feelings of inferiority at this either. It was not until recently that I began to dissect where all this built-up resentment came from.

This was only the first traumatic thing that held Leroy and I’s relationship together. After Tosha and he began dating on September 13,2012, we vowed to be friends and nothing because couldn’t stand doing something behind Tosha’s back knowingly. When I logged on to Facebook and saw that was in a relationship, I felt my heart drop because I knew it could have only been one person. What made it worse, was I had just asked Leroy out a couple days before and he decline with a subtle, “My relationship life is hectic right now.” BULLSHIT. I literally couldn’t breathe when she told me that she was in a relationship with Leroy. I kept thinking, is this what heartbreak feels like?

My feelings for Leroy never disappeared though. When I asked him why he simply said, “I love her” as of his reasoning could explain why I was in so much pain. He wasn’t acknowledging the last six months of our secret relationship or maybe that’s why it was a secret? Ironically, Tosha and I began getting closer to where we began calling each other sisters. I was over her house every weekend, and she saw me as her confidant. This was hard for me while was happily in love with Leroy so was I. only one of his friends knew about us, Chislon. When Leroy and I shared lockers in advisory, it was obvious we liked each other. It made getting over him ten times harder. Every day, he messed with him, and I’d mess with him then. Then Tosha would get a pass to come mess with him. It made things very awkward. I felt as a sister, I needed to come clean about the history I had been hiding.

“Can I tell her now?” I pleaded.

“No, it’ll mess thing up between me and her,” replied Leroy.

“She deserves to know the truth…”

“Doesn’t matter. Don’t tell her.”

“She won’t. I only Chislon and you only told Ronya.”

I hesitated. I always heard that what is done in that dark always comes to light, but I reluctantly said, “Okay Bwestfrann.” I valued Leroy’s position in my life more than I did Tosha’s; therefore, I never told her, and I them live happily everafter.

Leroy and I’s friendship was deadly. In a figurative an literal sense. My mom always worked the night shift and he lived within walking distance so he would come over on the weekend with his friends. His friends were Chislon, Aaron, Donte, Francei, Corey, and Issac. Hanging out with these guys would prove to be the ultimate example of peer pressure.

These guys did not care about anything but having a good time and neither did I. Tp them, I was one them. I just happened to have a vagina. We would rife out late at night and nto get back until even later in the night. We would go somewhere to smoke, drink, or talk about the girls they treat like whores. I was considered part of the crew: the loyal female. It was Leroy who taught me how to smoke weed and roll up, therefore, I always smoked with him and the crew. The rule was what happened within the crew stayed within the crew the and we all obeyed it.

Soon, things began to become distorted. I was noticing Leroy was hinting that one of his crew membered to have relationship with me. That night, I was high and thought whatever, it’s just a little something. Hence, I took the crew member to the back room, anxious as ever. I was shaking. He noticed my hesitation. He told me to relax. I found it extremely awkward that I would something with him because although I found him very attractive, I never thought of

being in this position with him. It was the worse sexual encounter ever. We both agreed to act as it never even happened. Only the four people in house know about that one. But this started something that would soon spiral out of control.

I was dizzy, so dizzy someone assisted walking me in the house. Everyone was there besides Chisolm and Aaron. I didn’t know they had me smoking, but it was something unusual. I felt like I was completely unaware of my body movements. I begged Leroy for a hug. Two of the crew members said they have something to show me in the back room. I got real tired suddenly. I wanted lay down. I followed them to the room. They sat me in a chair and the next thing I know im giving head of them. Whatever, it’s just a little something, I thought. I thought it would be over soon, but then the second crew member stood me up, then enters me from behind. I tried screaming but those were muffled. I wiggled and moved. I’m so dizzy I thought I was going to fall over. The second crew member gets mad and leaves us. It’s pitch dark now. It was always dark now. It was always dark. The first crew member laid me down and my body felt as if it weighed a on. I couldn’t move. He entered me. I sat there and was completely silent.

I honestly didn’t register what was happening until it was already happening.

“Stop,” I said.

“I’m almost done,” He replied.

“No, stop,” I try getting up and can’t move. I try fighting and can’t fight hard enough. I laid there until it was over.

“I walk out to the couch, in a daze. They all leave first. Leroy and Francei stay behind.

“What’s wrong?” Francei asks.

“I think I was raped.” I reply.

Leroy didn’t believe what I said. Francei is shocked an hugs me. He tells me to call him later and I did. That’s when I thought about how a ‘doorknob’ could be raped? Everyone gets a turn, it was hard thinking to that I was raped because I blame myself for it. I shouldn’t have trusted a group of high, intoxicated guys in the first place, and my history with the crew probably made it seem like it was okay to take advantage of me like that. It made me wonder for a long time until none of it made sense. Soon, I repressed it to the back of my mind, and left it there hoping I’d forget about it.

I t is now November 03,2012 and I decided to spend it with the crew. I stopped talking a few of them due to prior incidents but it was Leroy, Francei, Donte, and some named Tavaughn. I found a bag of weed and had one of them sell half of which yielded me 50 dollars, and we smoked rest then brought more weed with the revenue. We were hotboxing with the Sour Diesel on the on the way to WSU, I was higher than I had ever been. I was inclined to jump out the car to get fresh air but the damage is already done. First, we’re in Francei’s dorm. I’m laying down because I am so sick from it. They’re playing a game, and I’m trying to sleep. Tavhaugn comes on the bed and starts feeling me up. I scream NO and he immediately gets up when everyone looks at him. I am no glutton for punishment…at least I thought I wasn’t at the time. Suddenly, I felt so sick and was trying to signal to someone get me a trashcan, but I was already throwing up everywhere: all on my clothing, the bed, the carpet.

Embarrassment was not even the word. I went in the shower fully dressed and washed off the vomit. Leroy paid to have my clothes washed, and I had to walk half naked, wrapped in a blanket to Leroy’s dorm. He wouldn’t let me lay down because he didn’t want me to throw up again. France was furious, and they made me clean it up with wet wipe. Later that day, drove me home and said it was all okay. He led, but the comfort was nice. I threw the extra 20 dollars at him because I felt he was mocking my embarrassment by shaming me silently. I got on Twitter to see that Donte had took a picture of me wrapped up in the blanket and posted on Twitter with the caption, “Sakena threw up every. This bitch threw,” He tagged the whole crew. Everyone responded but Leroy and Francei, but I was still angry because Leroy knew when it happened and didn’t stop it. I thought he was a friend that I could count on. That marked the decline of our friendship and the beginning of my insanity.

I told Tosha the situation, and she simply stated, “He can’t control his friends,” then I knew I was in this world alone. All the friends I thought I had, had their own agendas. I began think why I even allowed myself to go through all that pain just because of a single person. Because of him, my self-worth and value had been distorted to the point that I believed that if a boy would have sex with me, that was a beauty. He had me thinking that drugs were okay, that meaningless sex was okay. Guess I did it all to fit in, to still be call that loyal female to the crew. Maybe I did it because I did not want to lose Leroy. Maybe I did it because there was nothing else to do. These thoughts slowly manifested themselves into some else other than myself which I lived as for about a year.

After the train wreck with the crew, I feared serious relationship, but a girl had her needs. I did not want anything with a trust factor because that sets you up to be betrayed. I did not want anything with feeling that sets you up to get a broken heart and I didn’t want anything with commitment because that false notion did nothing but made it hurt more once they decided to they to leave. Sex was all I knew to ease the pain I felt – and I was feeling a long of pain I could not understand but it was real and constant.

There was this boy at my school that I kind of fancied. His name was Kassey. I called him Jiggly Puff. I did not like him but I was attracted him -- The most dangerous combo. He’s a 6”3’, caramel skinned, big lipped, and nicely dressed young man who was actually the completely opposite of what I am attracted to. He was a huge class clown which I usually hated, Our rendezvous began spontaneously. It was more of a mutualistic exchange of pleasure. At first, it was great. It eased the pain and everything. I told a few people. He began this hectic off and on a relationship with the presumed love of his life, Jai’lyn. I wouldn’t allow him to fulfill his need while that went on, but while they were broken up, we did our thang.

In spite of myself, I began to trust him. Maybe it was because he was there during the nights when the silent walls seemed to scream the loudest. He scared those walls into complete silence. We shared a few intimate conversations. Next thing I know, we’re talking at school. The whole thing was meant to be a secret. In lull moments, he’d randomly kiss me when no one else was looking. It’s leave me flustered. That’s when I began to realize I liked im, but I didn’t really know why.

When I came to this realization, it seemed he liked me too. He became more affectionate and more willing to walk that dreadful 45-minute walk to my place. He was nicer in public. He even asked me to be his girlfriend, although it was a joke. It was funny that he even contemplated it. I let my guard down it after that. I figured we had the same amount to lose at that point.

He had a friend which he regarded as a best friend. I hated that friend because he ran his ran his mouth to the world and the key to keeping our rendezvous a secret was to NOT tell him no matter what. He did not listen and told him the details of one of our encounters after some speculation was already in the air bout us. From that day, forth, my sophomore year turned into a living Hell, I knew I shouldn’t have trusted liked him. I just have left it alone. But who is really to blame?

It’s hard to lie about something you know is true. Especially, if you’re a bad liar. I decided I’ll ignore it. That didn’t work at all. I said okay, maybe owning up it will remove the fuel from it. That only made matters worse. The ridicule came from every direction and every person I ever considered as a friend it hurt. I hated going to school. I looked in the eyes of people I called brothers and sisters, people I had been friends with since 7th grade whom laughed and teased me all because I trusted a boy who exposed me.

My Twitter became a battleground for the class of 2014. I couldn’t tweet normally. I was being subtweeted about being a hoe, being trashy, being this and that when I was just minding my own business. What hurt me the most was one of the girls that attacked me was exposed the same way I was freshmen year, and I was there for her. But when the tables are turned, shit is completely different. Friends turn into foes. Some would mention me, some wouldn’t. I was damn near a trending topic. To make matters worse, he tweeted about how he exposed me and people that didn’t even attend DECA were calling me a hoe. It was free for all, and I was a target.

I played it cool on Twitter though. I acted as if none of it phased me. At first, I bickered back but then I realized it was pointless bicker with little childish females, and if they had a real issue, we could fight about it the next at day at school. I made tweets, “Y’all making me famous” & “It’s wonderful, isn’t it?” to try and deflect it. They got even madder, and I didn’t care after a while. I was being sad. I was filled with pure fury at that point. I went to school dressed to fight WHOEVER had something to say. I didn’t care. People take advantage of me because I’m too soft spoken, and I play the bigger person. Well, that shit was stopping today. Mrs.Cameron brought me to my senses.

“I’m frustrated,” I said.

“I’m sure. What happened?” She asked. The first bell had rung, and she said it’s best u talk to her before I go back to class to prevent any fights.

“He exposed me and think it’s funny. Now everyone on Twitter has something to say about it. And when I got to school, I told them I would be ready for whatever.”

“Stooping down to their level is not worth it. You can do much better than them and him especially. Why did you choose him anyways?

“I don’t know,” Then I about what she asked me. Why did I give myself to someone who made no kind of commitment to me? “….I was missing something and he filled it.”

She peered at me as if she knew instantly when my problems were. “How’s the relationship with your father?”

“Same ‘ol. Unreliable, so I don’t rely on him. It’s just mom and me.”

“You know, when I was younger, I used to smoke cigarettes?”

“No way. The health conscious, vegan, Mrs. Cameron?

“Yep. I was in college and I was going through a terrible breakup. It seems us woman need a male figure in our lives no matter how hard we act like we don’t. I was rebellious at that age and thought I could do anything I wanted. Anyways, I started smoking because I could. During the break, up, I was very frustrated and found I couldn’t believe that pent up stress. Then, I found art. I found myself no longer stressed, and I stopped smoking too. What I’m saying is, you’re trying to fill the void with sex, but it’s not going to work. Your need to find something with substance, something that truly alleviates your pain inside. But you must find that within yourself, not anyone else.”

Throughout the course of the day, I thought about this concept heavily. Is the void I’m feeling due to the that my father and I have a wrecked relationship? My mother doesn’t bring many men around so I never had a male figure around to look towards besides the boys at school. Could this be the reason why my feelings for boys stem from something as simple as reliability? It was a new perspective on life.

When that storm blew over, I found myself moving on to someone else. Its easy to find them. During this journey, I developed a lot of negative feelings towards myself. Pretty hurts when a dark skinned girl who didn’t take half naked pictures or dress provocatively. I hardly got any compliments. My light skinned friend, Ronya, got all the compliments. I hated going out with her. The only compliments I would get had a sexual connotation. My relationship with Leroy gave me confidently through sex, ironically. It was the sex that would ultimately destroy any positive image I had of myself as well as peer of me.

I hated looking, honestly. I had no kind og self-confidence to speak of at this point. I saw the ugliness of people and of myself and hated all of it. It left me lost in a world I was afraid to speak to anyone about. This is when I began eating lunch by myself and not including myself as much as I used to. I purposely isolated myself in hopes that I ever went through anything like that again, it wouldn’t hurt as much because would already be outcast I began believing I had no friends at that time. I did not know my insecurities were just particular to myself nor did I know I could become my own enemy.

Through all this pain, I learned a lot when it comes to a relationship. Most people use a relationship as a clutch to hide their own problems or use them as a vessel to express themselves. This could cause someone to become extremely reliant on someone instead of themselves. This leads to immense disappoint which would make someone disillusioned about friendships. This is what happens to me and I learned to depend on myself but it’s healthy to rely on anyone else. Believing that you can rely on yourself allows you to become invisible towards life. This is the silver lining that I learned from my friendship experiences.

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