#and I'm like 'no I can't I'll die'

[lastoneout]

sometimes I don't think I could be autistic and/or like all that neurodivergent and then other times my fiancé makes a practical and logical argument as to why we don't need a tiny colander that's too small for most tasks and that to save space in the sink/cabinets I should learn to use the medium sized one and honestly we should probably just get rid of the small one and I am filled with such an immense rush of panic and discomfort and grief that I can't even explain it properly until I am saying shit like "the tiny colander is my friend" and "using the big one just FEELS wrong, you know, like going to albertsons instead of safeway" and "next you're gonna tell me I have to use the big soup spoons instead of the little ones and I'll pass away" and I can tell while he does love me and isn't actually mad he def thinks I'm being super illogical and can't fully understand why

like yes I KNOW I am being illogical I am well aware of that...however!! If things are different I will die and if I have to get rid of object that is my friend I will ALSO die, and the only explanation I have is "I like to have things a very specific way even if it doesn't make sense or is less convenient or wastes time and space and changing it is REALLY hard I can't just go "oh you're right" and then change it just doesn't work like that" which is like.....not a great explanation I don't think but that's literally all I've got so???

and like this is legit the only thing we ever "argue" over(bcs we aren't actually fighting we're just talking) it's just him being like "hey the way you do things is inefficient and doesn't make a lot of sense, wouldn't it be easier/make more sense to do it this way?" and then me scrambling to try to articulate "that's fair, but this is the way I do things, I can't change that" in a way that doesn't make me sound dismissive or insane or something which doesn't really seem to work all that well, or like...isn't really getting what I mean across correctly at the very least

#my fiancé is wonderful and we weren't actually fighting #I just have like....I have a certain WAY I prefer to do thing and and specific things I use to do them #and using OTHER things even if they are basically the same #feels like he's asking me to cut my arm off #like he tries to logic his way out of things and I'm like yes I understand the logic #and then he's like 'okay so you're going to do it this way then?' #and I'm like 'no I can't I'll die' #so idk my brain don't work right or something #and I feel bad too bcs like he has to deal with the consequences of me being like this too #like he only brought it up cuz having to do an extra dish is annoying and I agree!! that must suck #and so I want to change to make his life easier... #but using a different collander feels like wearing my jeans inside out #it's not the end of the world but it does SUCK and my brain REALLY does not want to let me do it #I usually do try to accomodate when he points out a different way for me to do things #especially if it like actually makes sense to me I def try to do those ones cuz I agree #but sometimes when it's little stuff I get just a little offended and sad cuz it's like... #is it really such a big deal if I do things in a way that doesnt make sense? #it's so exhausting to try to change #and I'm already trying to deal with my depression and trauma #I don't think I can take not using the small colander even if it doesnt make sense

[bitterclan]

You guys remember BitterClan? Me neither

i thought this was cute hehe

#i can't promise i'll go back to posting once a day-ish like i used to but i miss this blog so bad so i'll def try not to let it die #i think these might be the worst cats i've ever drawn LOL i'm so out of practice. literal months of not drawing cats... #bitterclan #clangen

[neverswungonswingingstars]

Lestat in In Throes Of Increasing Wonder

#if I don't stop making and remaking gifs of lestat I'll die. I'm like a shark. smooth and can't stop 😂 #interview with the vampire #iwtv #sam reid #amc iwtv #amc interview with the vampire #vcsource #iwtvedit #lestat de lioncourt #mp #let's see if this actually shows up in the tags today 🤷‍♀️

[canongf]

my first actual acting class is in a week and i'm so exciteeed :)

#I CAN'T WAIT #i was nervous signing up i was like 'you can always cancel' #but now i'm like #i'll die before i cancel #i've been wanting to do this for a long time and i finally signed up and it's finally almost here! #live

[michelle-jacksons-art-blog]

Hi hello have this somewhat old Jonmartin kids concept ideas while I try not to die

#I have I'm Gonna Fucking Die Disease #symptoms are I've coughed way too much for like almost a week now #my bad #so anyway the drawing #jonmartin #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #tma #tma podcast #the magnus archives #how does one tag these things #so uh I think I made Lyra the older one #one of these names I got straight out of a fanfic but I can't remember each one so when I feel mentally capable I'll look for it #or if you happen to remember a fic that had them have a daughter with either of those names feel free to mention it #anyways they're a happy family #a bit weird bc let's be honest Jon and Martin are really weird #like as normal people go they can be freaks sometimes #but that's fine otherwise they wouldn't be popular on tumblr dot com #two funky colored eyes for the price of one head I'd call that a great deal #I just think it would be interesting to know what happens when two avatars of different fears have baby like do you know how many fears Jon #involves on his own like that's all 14 dude what happens there #he's like aang in the sense that he's thee avatar and also can never recover from this experience #would the kids even be connected to the fears in whatever universe their dads ended up in we just don't know #anyway this is all actually for a story idea I've had since forever but you're not ready for that yet #peace everyone I'll bring trying to sleep

[gideonisms]

No don't make every basic life task nearly impossible to accomplish yuor so sexy aha

#am i going crazy or is everything way too hard all the time #it's so dumb it's like. i've been trying to do my laundry for 2 days washers full every day #i can't keep my apartment from smelling no matter how much room spray i buy because my neighbors smoke like. #i have to hassle people into completing the hiring process THEY initiated???? like???? #look getting up the brainpower to accomplish anything through my whole. deal is difficult already but #i am struggling for basic hygeine here!!!!!! why!!!! !!!!!! #guess i'll go die in a ditch smelly and stinky then!!!!!!!! #clean underwear?? that is for people who are really on that grind (washing it in their bathtubs) i fucking guess!!!!!!!!! #okay mercymorn moment over but i'm on my period and i want to throw a massive fit!!!! #anyway #jesus

[girderednerve]

okay i am an old man at heart & am quickly tired out by videos but i am also a total sucker for participating in the cultural moment when it seems that there is one, so i have now watched about three hours of the hb*mberguy video about plagiarism. it's very annoying, actually, probably because i am an old man & none of the discussion of it i have seen shares my preoccupations & concerns

the problem i am having, & i acknowledge that this is perhaps resolved in the last hour of this four-hour-long youtube extravaganza, is that our intrepid investigator (he's very good at videos! not meant dismissively) declines to like, actually define plagiarism or look into what citation norms are or how they differ in different contexts. the proposed referents are journalists & academics, which is really funny to me because there are regular vicious arguments in both of these communities about what proper credit looks like & what it's meant to do, and both of these fields have been around as pretty established things for a few hundred years now (you could argue this point, especially regarding when precisely academia or journalism became recognizably modern). there have been a reasonable number of pretty high-profile arguments about what constitutes citation malpractice in both fields over the last few years, & there aren't necessarily neat conclusions (not referring to e.g. maura dykstra situation of obvious & widely agreed upon malpractice; i mean, people arguing about what the politics of citation are & what our responsibilities are—for example, academics regularly complain that journalists will consult them or read their work for a piece & then not cite them in it, journalists complain that academics will brush past their work when compiling bibliographies, academics across disciplines have several long-simmering differences of opinion about what kinds of politics one expresses with one's citations, journalists argue about credit & republication; i am not an academic or a journalist, so i am missing a lot!).

anyway setting these problems aside, there's the bigger issue that youtube videos as a rule are, i realize this is controversial, not academia and also not journalism. i don't think they are documentary filmmaking either, although our hbomb man is not particularly interested in the information culture of documentarians either. internet video is its own thing with its own information culture! but instead this is a video about how some people i have never heard of before on youtube did unethical stealing from other people i have mostly not heard of before, which i agree is not great but it does not seem to me like a four-hour emergency, probably because i am an old man who doesn't understand youtube. like, okay, we spent several lengthy minutes on what's going on with this illuminaughty person copying documentaries, but that argument felt to me weirdly both belabored & underdeveloped: yes, yes, we get it, the whole thing was lazily cribbed, i agree, that's really obnoxious, sure, okay, but like, do we have some articulation of what the line is? of what the norms are? because it seems to me like we kind of don't have a clear way that we handle citation in that space, by which i mean not just like 'APA format' or whatever but the substantive idea of referring to & building upon other people's intellectual work

please note here that i did not say 'intellectual property', because to me this is of course the elephant by the floral wallpaper. maybe it's in the last hour & i simply lack staying power! well-documented personal flaw! but in my experience, functional definitions of 'plagiarism' & theft of intellectual property arise only from disciplinary processes, either academic proceedings or legal ones, & each case is decided individually. more importantly as others have pointed out, when we make someone's ideas into legally codified property, they become alienable from their creator; intellectual property is a kind of enclosure of the commons. there's a reason i think that hguy's last video was about the ownership of a sound effect, & that he spent a lot of time being angry that someone else claimed the credit along with the legal ownership of/right to profit from the sound effect; the frustration with youtubers appropriating other people's work & the frustration with some bozo video game composer lying about how the "oof" got made are the same thing, but the thing is not "credit" or "rudeness" or "theft," it is the entire institution, i think, of intellectual property. not that there have never been reasonable claims made using intellectual property law, but come on almost none of this is the māori suit against lego, it's mostly corporate C&Ds and NDA'd artists stuck with non-competes. it's bleak! but we know how it happens, & it's not that some people are uncreative & moneygrubbing, so they look down on creatives (??), which has so far seemed to be the argument of this four-hour-long cultural moment

also i am still thinking about what kind of ideas & assumptions go into citation pratices, because i am a professional librarian (a bad one!), so i am professionally obliged to care about the set of skills referred to as 'information literacy' (the skills are real but i have like, mixed feelings about the framing, that's why scare quotes). if you are an academic librarian they will ask you to do 'information literacy,' and a lot of what they mean by that is 'tell students how to find sources for things & cite them properly,' which is, i think, kind of an interesting sleight of hand, in which a broad & powerful set of interpretive & analytical skills become [what is for many students] the dullest part of essay writing? but that's a problem with all of undergraduate education, basically. anyway if you talk to most students about citations they think they're onerous nonsense, and that plagiarism/'academic honesty' policies are arbitrary (& scary); they're not usually encouraged in any particular way to think about how citations are meant to function or what they're meant to do. i don't mean to disparage my colleagues in academic libraries; i am painting with a broad brush & anyway librarians usually have almost no input into course design or assignments.

it's disappointing how these information literacy discussions tend to go, though, because citations are interesting! they're also recent, in the grand scheme; the idea of telling us where you got some idea or other is very old, but the specifics of how & in what circumstances you're meant to do it aren't & they vary wildly by context. i often will tell people where i picked up whatever little factoid i am drolly recounting (sorry everyone) but that isn't particularly common in casual conversation. youtube videos are closer to a conversational register than they are to a documentary or a news article, much less an academic paper; i don't really know what to make of it, & i suspect this is part of why it is so easy to be a youtube personality who steals other people's work—it isn't really that youtube audiences are uniquely credulous & lazy, but that their expectations aren't the same. i guess i should note here that i do think you should cite things in a clear & easily followable manner, be honest about what is your own invention & what is borrowed from the work others, and avoid like. being a huge asshole. but to some degree i am bored by hearing about Some Guy Who Lies On Youtube, because my baseline assumption for most youtube videos is that they are not reliable & are probably trying to lie to me! i am not trying to be superior here that is an honest account of how i engage with anyone who appears to have a specialty lighting rig

i think continually & with affection of the late antique proliferation of the pseudo-somebody, and it seems to me now that the common modern practice of online (kindly) under-citation is a near-perfect inverse of the medieval approach, in which it was generally difficult to look things up and writers enhanced their authoritativeness by making referential claims to well-known authors. now it's usually easy to look things up & everybody wants to be an original thinker & an artist, so they don't cite. not me, though, i am just giving you here the garbled mash of things i've seen in posts & remember from my undergrad lectures eight years ago. i'm an idiot! but at least nobody here is making any money :)

#am i being weird about this because i told my partner that one of my friends once said i would 'make a good youtuber' #& my partner instead of saying 'wow that was mean i can't believe she said that to you' said 'you really would'? um. no. i'm normal about i #youtube is a blight & yet i cannot eat dinner in silence okay i'll die #please feel free to weigh in or argue #truly this post is not meant to be like dismissive or whatever i am just an old man. i am rubbernecking :)

[foolishnpd]

what actually counts as empathy? when someone else is upset and i also get upset because I mirror that person? is that empathy? does it even count because I will get upset too but for entirely different reasons (or i'll find a way to make it about me and then get upset)

#lilyroaring #low empathy #npd safe #i guess if i had to make up an example #something like uh...someone i mirror a lot has their dog die #they are upset about this #i become upset too #but for reasons like: #them being upset means they can't pay attention to me :(((( #them being upset means i have to put energy into remedying their emotions. i'm upset that i have to put in effort :( #now i remember when my dog died. so i'm upset too :( #i guess that's not really empathy #i'll feel the same emotion #but i'll make it about myself first #i'll be sad because i'm inconvenienced. not because the situation is truly sad to me etc

[bleeding-hart]

some sketches

based on @theicarusconstellation's writing

I keep thinking of details I left out and stuff I need to fix but if I let myself do that I'm going to go insane so we're leaving it at this

Also some Sirius because they're a fucking king and we love them (I very strongly hc them as genderqueer and using any pronouns, but specifically he/they/she/it)

The dress was a bit of a failure but hey it looks like fabric at least I think maybe

#fanart #marauders era #fanart of fanfiction #Sirius #A form of jegulus #Not sure if reg being an animagus is widely accepted Canon but I fucking accept it it's mine now and i will die on this hill #I DO however know that Sirius is generally accepted to have tattoos but unfortunately I'm shit at coming up with tat designs #I don't think there's a generally accepted list of what tattoos they have but if there is I would love to hear it #If not ig I'll just make something up #She probably has like. At least one wolf and dog one somewhere #Then definitely canis major #Idk how sappy they are but I want them to be one of those people who gets their friend group to draw hearts or stars and gets those tattooe #Also skeleton designs v much. I want them to have a cat skeleton on their hip in that curling position #Like the floaty cat #Maybe with a moon or star in the center #No real reason I just think he'd look fuckin awesome with it #He also probably has a really cool stylized semicolon on his wrist #I can't give him a koi/sun one cause that's mine and it doesn't fit then anyways #But definitely the top piece is the full moon symbolizing Remus #The bottom idk about but like maybe a squished up dog? Not like disproportionate I'm sure I could figure something out #Honestly they probably also have tats for each of their friends #I'm thinking a stylized deer under a full moon with the rat on it's head #or just prongs and moony w/ little bro between them #Brainstorming idk #If u read all that congrats I don't know why or what you got from it #Welcome to the live stream of my consciousness (you're missing not strong enough fucking BLARING in the background of all my thoughts)

[lucyvaleheart]

.

#another day another vent post #i really shouldn't keep doing this honestly. it doesn't solve anything i think #but i feel I've been too trauma-dumpy in the places i usually go and my dm restrictions mean my options are limited #so.... tumblr it goes i guess #helps that the problem tonight is feeling completely numb and apathetic. #isolating myself because i don't give a shit whether i live or die #and honestly can't really make myself feel..... like any of it matters #is it my meds doing this? who knows..... #any number of things could have caused this #i just. don't give a fuck enough to think about what #i have therapy on Thursday. I'm hopeful it'll help #well. normally I'm hopeful. I'll pretend i am now too. #start actually doing something about whatever is wrong with me. #sigh... #...i don't know if this is a cry for help or not...? i guess I'll slap in the same 'one-time free pass' to dm me on discord again #i can't really picture myself replying and i have no idea what would help. nothing feels like it would. and i may honesty to god just #fall asleep instead. #sorry to keep doing this shit #one day it'll be better #maybe. #Hopefully.

[elliesbelle]

lol

#i'm literally like. #sooooo done with life #i've been on the verge of tears on and off today fr #work itself has been ugh #my kids are being so crazy and i love them but very draining #and my work friends are basically pulling away from me and it makes me wanna die #they essentially replaced me with someone else and i'm literally sitting here like oh ok lol #and my ex and i are in this weird fucking space and i can't fucking deal with it #siri play 'boyfriend' by ariana grande and social house #like... she's not mine and like... technically she can date other people lol #but lol you're really taking her out on a date that would be perfect for ME????? #you know what ur doing lol #but i mean ig #'you ain't my boyfriend!!!! and i ain't ur girlfriend!!!!!' #screaming and crying and throwing up #i hate my life y'all #i'm legit at my limit #i don't want to make my every-three-years trip to the ICU and psych ward but!!!!!! #sorry y'all i needed to put this somewhere lol #i'll prob delete later #belle speaks #v

[dazais-guardian-angel]

kinda wild to me that one of the most compelling aspects of both Chuuya and Kunikida's characters to me, that I never really see talked about, is how they're heavily set on a doomed crash course towards complete and utter destruction, and how I am so, so worried for them both.....

#bungou stray dogs #been thinking a lot about chuuya lately (shocking for me i know (said with no sarcasm truly lmao it is rare for me)) #cause of the 15 manga and also playing the fucking jeht quest in genshin impact ugh (where's the one dual genshin bsd fan who Understands) #but like this pressure has been building up for chuuya for so long due to being used and manipulated by all these people #first the sheep then mori then verlaine then still mori now #he was groomed since childhood just like dazai #but unlike dazai he didn't have an oda to help him get out of the mafia........ he's still stuck there #and his personality is different from dazai's. dazai was more self-aware imo (but still a groomed emotionally abused kid don't get me wrong #but chuuya's whole thing is needing to belong and wanting a leader to be loyal to but ending up in positions of leadership himself #which makes him feel pressured but he accepts and stifles any negative feelings just because he wants to belong #and all this crushed him with the events in the light novels and yeah he went through character growth but he's...... Still In The Mafia... #and that fucking scene asagiri added to the cannibalism stage play i don't think hardly anyone even knows about bc IT'S NOT DISCUSSED ANYMO #where mori emotionally manipulates him with the flags!!! and it deeply hurts him!!! and he presumably deals with that shit all the time!!! #it is WORRISOME. it WORRIES ME okay. #chuuya doesn't have anyone who can save him from the mafia (dazai is in no position to okay; it's all he can do just to try to save himself #and it's so so scary. it spells awful things for him. #didn't asagiri say he'd have a rough path or something??? and he added that fucking scene in the play!!! it haunts me!! #i fully expected this shit to hit a turning point in the meursault arc but we can't have nice things i guess #and as for kunikida a;lskdfl (took me this long to get to him oop) literally the ending of Entrance Exam (the novel) is just #One Big Foreshadowing for Kunikida's downfall #he's compared to the azure king for a reason. Sasaki saw the azure king in him for a reason. it's fucking worrying!!!!! #there hasn't really been anything like that since in the manga (just like for chuuya lol ugh) but he's TERRIBLE at coping with his trauma #and it only gets more apparent once shit hit the fan in the doa/hunting dogs/meursault arc #it's not good!!! i'm worried for kunikida too!!!! #even if the manga isn't focusing on this these worries are always in the back of my mind man #both kunikida and chuuya are doomed to hit some kind of breaking point eventually and i await those moments with dread yet anticipation #i want dazai to be able to save kunikida from the despair being too good a person brings the way he couldn't save oda #and chuuya.... if we get a scene with him & mori mirroring the one in dark era where dazai finds out that mori orchestrated the kids' death #oh man i think i'll fucking die (give it to me i need to cry)

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

I can't get over how jkr played up the fact that Harry absolutely loathed Snape. Like, it's mentioned at least once every single book how much he hates him, and all of that gets undone because Snape wanted to fuck his mom 😭

#I am an anti Snape girlie til the day I die #Maybe I'll feel differently after rereading the seventh book #I'm on the sixth now #But wow #I can't believe how many people like him

[todayisafridaynight]

brother was talking to me about how if you almost die from an extreme-temperature-related incident then your body is just forever fucked towards that temperature and that's why i think kiryu and saejima are weak to ice. i dont know why aoki isn't like that too but ignore that statistic everything else tracks.

#snap chats #i already made this post highkey but im making it again cause i didnt know this was an actual real thing ☠️ #my brother learned this when he started to work for target. because apparently that's a thing they tell you frame one #'snap how did this topic even come up' i am LITERALLY so glad you asked :) the cold has almost claimed me twice #am i exaggerating Maybe but its my fucked up body temperature now listen #when i was younger i got locked out of my house for like. three hours since i was a latchkey kid #and my dad wasn't supposed to come home with my siblings (from their after school events) for Three Hours #and it had snowed outside and Was Cold Yeah and i couldn't get in cause i forgot my key like a weiner #and yeah. was really cold :) my dad was real cross with me when he found me shivering in the shed LOL #he made me hot cocoa tho so its ok. second incident's just funny No I Talk About It Evvery Other Week #and im p sure i talked bout the first incident too but yeah that time after the con when i was at my sister's #like i cannot stress how cold it was because It Was Late November and the cold still existed #and my sister's heater just. Didnt Work but yeah. i wont go into detail cause i share this story every five seconds #POINT IS i've always had a hard time with the cold- like i'm cold nearly all the time even if the room is 90 degrees #i wont be COLD cold but i'll be colder than i like #anyways can't believe i'm weak to ice this is so sad. i love winter.. #aoki isn't weak to ice cause uhhhh /aoki/ didnt almost die in the cold 🥴 masato did 🥴 #imagine changing your identity so well that you just remove your past elemental weakness. fucked up. #alright bye

[spriteofmushrooms]

Wei Wuxian's complete disregard for Jiang Cheng's personhood compels me almost as much as Wen Ning treating him like an accessory person. Little brother shaped. Princess in a tower boy. Object man.

#pallas.rtf #mdzs #he's just not real according to the people who are also in the story with him. i like this about him. #he literally goes from wwx's shidi/shadow/follower/dog to a quest objective when lotus pier falls... #☑️ keep jiang cheng safe! #you know... the guy you can't help but needle constantly because you're better than him but you're tied to him by society? #the guy who follows you around like a dog and does everything you say and bitches until you pet him just right? #(the guy you're insane about and enmeshed with and whose attention you need constantly) (unless you're distracted) (in which case he's just #being whiny and needs to get more friends) #(the one you were promised to before you knew how long life could be?) #keep him safe wei wuxian! it's your only purpose. enjoy being 17 and the rest of your life. #meanwhile jiang cheng post-canon doesn't have a face when no one is looking at him because he was conjured from the fucking dream realm #i'm crazy and i need to figure out a way to make him happy or i'll die

[imminent-danger-came]

Hey guys what if we just slowed down, like. What if we took a breather for a second, couple minutes maybe. Guys what if we-

#MY HEAD IS SO FULL #honorary mentions of sonic prime totk good omens s2 and spider riders #this image is so fucking cluttered. like my mind #THERE ARE TOO MANY THINGS!!! #I knew it was over for me. Jesus christ #I am only capable of making memes at the moment sorry everyone #like I gotta take a nap and then go to hw to wind down I think #i need to find some sources for an essay #imp tag #kingdom hearts missing link you can't come out this summer I'll die. You need to wait for the fall I'm sorry