#and i like the disclaimer about transness that she put too

[uncanny-tranny]

hello there!! I know I'm being a bit bold with this ask even if I'm hiding to an extent on anon but- I was wondering if you might be interested in watching/sharing this video essay I recently finished on a trans reading of Jesse Pinkman

https://youtu.be/sVh0of5kAQ4

feel free to ignore me and either way I hope you have a good day!

I'm a few minutes into this video (it's close to the forty-minute mark), but so far, I appreciate her insight! Obligatory warning for spoilers about Breaking Bad and a little for Better Call Saul.

I think so many people are attracted to the idea of trans Jesse because Breaking Bad cannot be separated from the analysis of masculinity and toxic masculinity specifically. In these discussions, I think trans people often have unique insights into their experiences with toxic masculinity, and though that isn't always true, I myself certainly know that I and many trans people have a complex relationship with masculinity (and femininity, but I digress).

I think I most related to the idea of a trans reading of Jesse in the scene where Jane observes that not only did Jesse draw himself as superheros, but his kangaroo superhero had a pouch. It was relatable, and almost this sort of realization that Jesse presents himself a certain way, yet other people interpret him differently than he does.

I highly doubt Vince Gilligan intended Jesse to be trans. I highly doubt that Aaron Paul played Jesse in a way that was meant to be read as trans. However, I do still appreciate the trans reading of Jesse, and I think that if it were canon, it would fit neatly into the overall themes of the show (that being masculinity, gender, gender roles, and how people contend with these elements)

#ask #anon #trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #mtf #nonbinary #and i like the disclaimer about transness that she put too #(context: using she/her because that is what she seems to use and clarifies that she primarily uses 👍) #i see some people that assume that a trans reading of jesse came out of nowhere but i don't think that's accurate... #...i think a lot of people picked up on the cues of masculinity as a theme of brba and how jesse '~fails~' #and it's relatable for some trans people to feel you failed masculinity (even if you never WANTED to succeed at it) #because there are sometimes consequences to failing masculinity either by chance or choice #as a trans man i related to jesse and the ways he 'failed' at masculinity because that's been my own experiences

[stal3bread]

DISCLAIMER: this is about MY experience of transness, and in particular trans manhood/masculinity. Your experience of transness may not be the same as mine, and neither of us is more 'valid' than the other.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really trans. Like, I managed to hyperfeminise myself for maybe a year, back when I was a 14-15 year old and I was desperate to be liked. Sure, I felt like shit, like I was wearing a costume of womanhood, but I kept it up. And I liked feminine stuff as a kid, and I've never been sporty. There were signs of me being trans as a kid, like me packing when I was four, or me getting a 'boy haircut' when I was 10 and it being the first time I ever really saw myself, but I wasn't really a stereotypical trans kid.

I sort of figured out I was trans when I was 12, I even told my mom after she asked me if I wanted to be a boy, but I guess I was too scared to actually be myself. Some boys at school asked me if I was trans, as if it was some disgusting, sick joke, and it was terrifying. That day, I decided I wasn't trans, couldn't be trans. And I sometimes wonder if the fact that I was able to survive three years pretending to be cis after that means I'm not 'really trans', whatever the hell that means. Of course, those three years were some of the worst of my life and I only barely survived, but I survived, didn't I?

But then I put on a binder or a packer, and it just feels like... me. It feels like this was the body I was meant to have. I think about going on T or getting top surgery and I just feel totally paralysed and stuck because I have no idea when I'll be able to transition medically. I feel like I'm living halfway, not able to live as a real person. I'm just waiting for when my life can truly start, when I can be a full human being with a full life. I wait with bated breath when I talk to a stranger, praying I'll get a 'sir', or just not a 'ma'am', because a 'ma'am' signifies shame to me. It's a shame that my secret has been discovered, the secret of my 'true' gender.

I don't hate being trans, but it's made my life a hell of a lot harder. Sometimes I wish I was cis, so I wouldn't have to deal with all of this shit. Mostly I wish the world was kinder to trans people, didn't treat us like a political talking point rather than a group of real people. I wish I could just... exist.

#trans #transmasc #trans man #trans guy #trans boy #trans male #transmaculine #dysphoria #body dysphoria #social dysphoria #binder #chest binding #ftm packer #ftm #testosterone #top surgery

[patronstofswitchbladefights]

There’s something I always kinda noticed about Steven Universe, but even more so after “Change Your Mind” that I’ve always wanted to talk about but never really did. i figured I’d post it on here just for fun cause you never know who else might have picked up on this. Please keep in mind this is just an interpretation of the story that I picked up on from my experience as a trans person through the symbolism in the show. If you don’t agree with my analysis that’s totally ok, just please don’t be nasty about it. I know this fandom can be kinda harsh sometimes but I really am just making an observation for fun so yeah.

Anyway after that disclaimer here’s what I’ve picked up on:

Pink/Rose/Steven's story is a trans narrative and Steven's interactions with the other diamonds is akin to a trans child trying to get their parents to see them as who they really are, instead of how they want them to be.

"She prefers to be called Steven" Blue is the first one to come around agreeing to use a chosen name. Ever since Steven went to Homeworld he tried constantly to get the Diamonds to call him Steven instead of Pink. It was frustrating and difficult for him in the same way it is for a trans person trying to get their parents to use their chosen name.

When White separates Steven from his gem, it's like a parent pointing out qualities that their child might have to try and discredit their transness. Example being: "if you're a boy then why do you like all these feminine things. Why did you wear dresses and feminine clothing in the past? If you are a boy then why are you “Pink”?” She’s trying to tell Steven that she knows who he really is. She knows him better than he knows himself, which is very common amongst parents of trans children. 

When she separates them and sees that Steven doesn't disappear, that he's still who he is, that his gem takes the form of Steven instead of Pink Steven is being defiant and rebellious of the notion that these sort of little things have real bearing on who you are (or in this case of symbolism, your gender). This is Steven owning his transness, regardless of his feminine qualities or feminine past. He loves himself and he's not him without those parts too. He accepts them.

"Where is Pink?" "She's gone" “What did you say? Answer me.” “She’s GONE.” This is Steven putting his foot down. He was never Pink. He was never Rose. He's Steven. That's who his is and who he'll always be. He may have her memories (I mean trans people have memories of themselves before transition) but he’s Steven. 

White of course doesn’t like this. So she attacks him, and when Steven raises his shield at her (showing a parent you’re going to transition whether they like it or not) snd gets angry. “I only want you to be yourself! If you can’t do that, I’ll do it FOR YOU.” This is pretty self explanatory. Her trying to force Steven to be Pink is sort of like how parents of trans children force them to wear cloths that they don’t feel comfortable in, perform rolls they aren’t comfortable with, etc etc. When Steven reforms with his gem he declares that he IS STEVEN. And he always has been and always will be. 

White disagrees “No, you are Pink Diamond! That is Pink Diamond’s gem! You’re just acting like a child!” This is sort of like a parent telling their trans child that they’re too immature and young to know if they’re trans or not, and that they, again, know their child better than they know themselves. Steven of course turns her tantrum around on her, which leads to her having a change of color, forcing her to view things from a different perspective.

The song at the end is even more proof of this symbolism in my opinion. "I don't need you to love me, I love me. I don't need you to respect me, I respect me" This is pure trans acceptance. Of yourself, your mind, body and soul. He doesn't need the diamonds (his parents) to accept him. He knows who he is and if they don't see that then that's their problem and they’d miss out. He has his real chosen family, Garnet Amethyst and Pearl, who have made an effort from the beginning to change how they see him and view him as Steven and love him as Steven, not Rose (or Pink, in Pearl’s case).

I wouldn’t be surprised if this symbolism was purposeful given that this show has explicit LGBT+ representation and has a strong “love and accept yourself” sort of message. I just thought I’d share my take on it!

#steven universe #symbolism #su #Change Your Mind

[momestuck]

Let’s read Hiveswap Friendsim... volume 18!

Imagine I edited the final shot of End of Evangelion here to put trolls on it. That’s more effort than I’m actually willing to put in. Imagining it is probably almost as good.

This chapter is fittingly called “Of Endings, Many”.

The opening narration is kind of pointed and sarcastic. It jokes about saying trite things like ‘the circle is complete’... and then goes elsewhere.

“You’ve got enough friends, now you need answers-” - and then it interrupts itself, realising it’s just the intro screen.

I wonder who writes the intro screens?

This time we have... another jadeblood, and also a final pair of purplebloods, the second troll pair.

Lanque

Lanque is written by the mysterious “V”, who previously managed to get us to lick a clown’s armpit and then wrote some interesting things about intertextuality. I have high hopes!

Content warning: Lanque’s story deals explicitly with sex with a man, in a situation of dubious consent on the player character’s part.

Lanque’s theme I’m sure I recognise from Homestuck proper, though I’d have to do some digging to see what it’s reprising. It’s called “yall know i just do the music right” - another James Roach piece.

It begins with us getting a call from Lynera. The narration somewhat uncharitably says “that nutty bitch is exactly the sort of destabilizing influence your life needs right now”. In a positive, not sarcastic way at least.

She wants to start making friends herself...

The narration is really in a hurry this time around. We reprise the party background from the last episode.

I appreciate the kind of breezy enthusiastic chaos in V’s writing.

We’re in a cape, bra and fishnets. A perfect outfit for the final chapter.

Wow the narration just isn’t giving a shit anymore. Final chapter striking hard.

We try to figure out whose hive we’re going to... and oh shit, it’s Ardata’s. First troll we ever met, as well. The party is described as a “frathouse rager” - which, Lynera acknowledges, is not her scene at all.

Is the narrator already drunk? Or is Ardata fucking with our head again?

Ardata declares that it’s a ‘kiiickback’ for all the ‘world’s fiiinest iiinfluencers’... and neither me nor Lynera is invited. Apparently she heard about it from someone called Lanque, who’s also not invited.

What is up with this narration? It’s coming across like a standup performance.

At that point, Ardata drops a... nsfw warning on us.

I didn’t actually realise this volume had an ‘accompanying mature content description’. I think what I’m gonna do is... obviously I’m gonna play the chapter, but I will put specific content warnings before sections of the post that have potentially triggering content, and if there are explicit images, I will pixellise out any explicit bits before I embed them in the post. spoiler alert: this ain’t exactly Ladykiller in a Bind there.

That’s a hell of a warning, huh. Especially given the previous armpit-licking chapter by ‘V’ was about at the absolute limit of sfw horny anyway. Fuck knows what they’re about to inflict on us now.

Also: James Roach’s track name is starting to make sense. Apparently he wants to distance himself from this episode, semi-ironically at any rate? God, what are we in for.

So, presumably the ‘oof, you’re too scared’ link takes us to an abrupt end to the chapter, we’ll check it later. Let’s go on in.

Quick soapbox: as much as I hate the kind of shallow analysis that throws around ‘problematic’ as a summary judgement of a work - nah actually, you can’t just disclaim shit under ‘challenging or controversial material’. By the same token that you can write whatever shit you want in a Homestuck computer game, critics - and random nerds on the internet, which is to say, the entire audience of this game - can discuss it however we find appropriate.

Nevertheless, you haven’t actually done anything worse than make me lick a clown’s armpit so far, and we can approach challenging themes in a way that says something meaningful and important, so let’s see what you have for us, V. To be honest I’m expecting some kind of portrayal of sexual violence given all the disclaimers, but who knows.

The party sounds like hell.

To Lynera, who remains glued to our arm, it’s ‘more than she was expecting’. But before we can leave, Lanque arrives.

I was wrong about what I thought was Lanque’s theme. Lanque’s theme is a slow, mournful saxophone piece. Maybe the music before was Lynera’s theme, and I just forgot how it went?

The narration mentions a ‘curious red stain’ on Lanque’s shirt. They’re obviously going for a whole ‘sexy vampire’ type thing with him. Maybe a Twilight parody, with Lynera in the Bella role? That would be a little dated, though.

I vaguely recall that it was said at some point that the jadebloods were all women. Which makes me suspect that Lanque is a trans guy, and this story is gonna touch on themes of transness and such. That could be something I completely confabulated, though. I’d check the wiki but no doubt it’s been updated by now, and I don’t want to spoil myself on this arc.

He seems to be in a flirty mood. Not sure how old either of these two are supposed to be.

Oh yeah. The knifemeter actually hasn’t shown up in this episode so far. He expresses surprise that Lynera has friends. Or at least, friend.

Eesh, this guy gonna be another Zebruh?

Lanque asks about us and we blather about being an alien, and also general disaster.

It’s really hard to get the sense that this is a loud party where we can barely hear each other over the noise, given both the narration and the soft jazz background.

He says something about not biting unless asked. So if it’s not already obvious... either a genuine rainbow drinker (hey, if Kanaya could do it at age 6 sweeps/13 years, no doubt he could at age... whatever age he is!), or someone who likes pretending to be one.

Anyway, our protag is apparently not overcome by friendship lust at this point, and tries to play wingman and put Lanque’s attention back onto Lynera. This... doesn’t go as well as expected.

(2.43 sweeps, that is - about 5.3 years)

Hmm, why would that be? This could be like, a transphobia thing? Do trolls have that? I’d say of course they fucking do, but apparently they don’t have homophobia, and their gender system... well who the hell knows how troll gender works, having all the signifiers of gender in the real world but none of the material consequences.

Anyway, Lanque calls Lynera a ‘nasty little bitch’. But then immediately says he’s not one to criticise.

So... maybe it’s not a trans thing? We’ll see. Lanque continues being a huge dick, suggesting that Lynera is interested in him because the ordeals are coming, and she wants to take the chance to fuck before they roll around.

Lynera is kind of... not surprisingly pretty hurt.

The narrator challenges Lanque on his rudeness without a choice.

Ah, the classic ‘she deserved it’ defence. Second only to the ‘it didn’t happen, but if it had, they would have deserved it anyway’ defence.

The protag demands to know why Lanque even invited Lynera if it was just to have such a huge go at her like that. Lanque’s explanation is... kind of unclear.

It’s not like she got much of a chance to defend herself there. So far my impression of Lanque is: this guy’s a huge cock. Or possibly a huge nook. Idk what the troll equivalent is.

The narrator decides to ‘Switzerland out of’ this conversation. They say this out loud, of course. Who needs an internal monologue, these days?

Lanque invites us to stay - we’re ‘much more interesting’ anyway. Eesh. I’m inclined to look for a ‘fuck right off where’s my pepper spray’ button, but that’s just me being a lesbian I guess. (Pepper spray is also illegal in the UK. I’m pretty sure.)

Yeah, you said it. He says he’s got ‘less time to waste than most’.

Bryn sees a meta joke about the narrative structure, Bryn clicks the screenshot button.

(Speak of the screenshot button, I had to rebind it to make it easier to paste the screenshots, you see in Ubuntu-- oh, you’re asleep?)

Anyway I kind of expected a choice around about now, but no, we barrel forwards, and end up dancing with Lanque. He takes our hand and leads us to another part of the house.

At that point, Elwurd shows up! I wonder how much of the cast is set to make an appearance in this chapter. If it’s all 35 trolls we’ve encountered so far, this is gonna be a long chapter!

Elwurd seems to be Lanque’s dealer. Not sure what drug she’s selling exactly. Apparently ‘you a drone?’ is the Alternian equivalent of ‘you a cop?’...

Anyway, Lanque buys the drug, and peer pressures us to take it. We’re like, nuh-uh.

We did not, we tell him, ask him to buy drugs for us.

I’m proud of you, protagonist. At the beginning of this story you’d have done anything to get a friend.

At that point, Diemen makes his reappearance. We really are going through the entire cast here, huh.

Yeah. That one’s just too obvious.

Anyway, undrugged, we get to dancing.

God, V, we get it, you want to fuck trolls. The narrator goes with it, though.

I find it kind of interesting how, like... our protagonist in the beginning and ending sketches is pretty much like, a marshmallow, indicating that they represent some kind of AFGNCAAP. But over time, little assumptions leak in. For example, we’re some kind of American nerd - our education system included a ‘high school’, and we had the option to learn Spanish there. We are relatively physically unfit. The wordplay suggests we know English.

Sometimes it’s deliberate - clearly someone made a choice to make it so that our protagonist has opinions about rap and knows a bit about professional wrestling, to suit the themes of the chapters. Those aren’t like, presumed traits assumed of the Homestuck audience, but things that kind of carve out a specific identity

So yeah... we’ve already had the whole ‘cheese person’ thing in Fozzer’s route, and here they’re straight up declaring the protag has pale skin. (Which doesn’t mean they’re white, necessarily, but they are apparently not Black, say.) I think that’s kind of a shame - a wasted opportunity.

Homestuck has already traded a lot on the ambiguity of its characters, which the fandom tends to read as implicitly white, except for like, a relatively small corner. This came to a head at points - most infamously the ‘CAUCASIAN’ controversy during the trickster mode phase, when Hussie ‘jokingly’ declared that his previously ambiguous characters (shaded pure #FFFFFF white, implying a ‘blank slate’) were ‘CAUCASIAN’ in bright flashing letters - at least while in trickster mode. After backlash, the panels were left as-is, but ‘CAUCASIAN’ was replaced with ‘PEACHY’.

Friendsim could have been an opportunity to improve the record a bit, especially as its narrative explicitly addresses many questions of societal oppression and occasionally makes explicit analogues to racism. But... they didn’t do that. Alas.

Anyway, moving on.

Apparently I’m very predictable because the very next panel addresses this exact line of thought.

I feel like this and the ‘not racist’ joke in the previous arc by ‘V’ are kind of... well I don’t know anything about ‘V’, and what they might be intending by these jokes. Here, it’s kind of parodying the whole thing in Homestuck rather explicitly... but whether it’s like, challenging it? There’s definitely a reading that’s like... pointed sarcasm, challenging the source material’s noncommital laziness.

Hey art interpretation is hard lol.

V’s writing is unusually striking, in a way I’m not quite sure how I feel about. I will think more about that once we’ve fully explored this chapter.

Things are getting pretty meta. He comments how we’re paper thin and he can see our blood. We’re like, ok, so you’re a vampire then?

This is the kind of thing! Writing that’s like... on the edge of like, telling a story and just directly talking to the reader, pushing us to engage with ambiguity and metaphor.

To release the tension a bit, the narrator does a ‘sexy dance’.

Anyway, we don’t get to find out what Lanque really thinks of our sexy dancing. Because at that point, Bronya shows up. Lanque decides it’s time to go.

...to a respiteblock, where else. So much for this being a friendsim and pointedly not a dating sim.

We are, it seems, safe. Lanque politely asks if we’d like to kiss. There’s another reminder that this is a very nsfw not for kids scene about to go down in this room right now.

So that’s apparently going to be our decision here. FUCK THE BOY/DO NOT FUCK THE BOY

...no, that’s not our choice. We’re kissing the boy no matter what. This is also portrayed in first person view, because consistency is important!

Apparently our blood tastes ‘sharp and dangerous - like a weapon’.

I feel like this is about to answer a whole fucking lot of fandom questions. At least as far as Hiveswap canon is concerned - arguably a separate entity to Homestuck canon, though obviously, like an expanded universe, designed to be read almost exclusively with intertextuality in mind. An elaboration, I guess.

There’s more like... hey check it out we’re going NSFW. Still nothing like a choice button yet.

One thing I find interesting is like... while this game is packed with lesbians of various stripes, and evidently many of the writers are gay or bi women, all the trolls who get really horny scenes have been boys. (Two of them written by ‘V’, admittedly). Mallek first with his shirtless scene, then much more recently Marvus, and now Lanque.

Also look at these guys. Pretty sure V has a type.

Anyway, the narrator makes the mistake of saying something vaguely derogatory about buckets.

Not sure like... what he finds derogatory there. Mentioning ‘buckets’ vs ‘pails’ (might be a distinction between reproductive and non-reproductive sex?), or saying that he doesn’t seem to have one? He says it’d be his first time.

With an alien, huh. *xenofucker fist bump*

Instead of a sex scene, we get a lore drop.

Once he gets shipped offworld, there will be no more ‘sneaking out of the caverns’. To Lanque, this effectively means his life will be over. This is his last chance to fuck!

A little overdramatic, dude!

Before we can get to it, Bronya interrupts.

So we get interrupted by Bronya. This is finally our choice point. Do we dob Lanque in, or do we fuck?

Regarding ‘problematic’, the main thing I’m seeing is like... Lanque is, at best, barely of age. Since he’s talking about getting shipped offworld soon, I’m guessing he’s close to troll adulthood. In terms of real-world narratives, this is taking on the general tone of ‘college story’ - complete with allusion to a frat party.

I think like... I’m going to read this whole visual novel, and write what I think about it. However, I can also totally understand why you would not want to read this kind of ‘first time’ story. So I’m going to leave that branch to a readmore at the end of the post. Above the cut, to give you all some kind of ending, and we’ll go down the ‘call his mum’ branch. Lol it’s not nearly as nsfw as they make it sound, there’s nothing that really need readmores, nevermind this lol.

Bronya busts the door open and tells him to get dressed immediately.

Lanque gets his mean streak back on, and goes in on Bronya now.

He does love the word ‘bitch’, does Lanque. He tells her she’s not actually his lusus (oh yeah, lusii... it’s been a while since we’ve seen one honestly. The last one was the goat.) She slaps him. He pretends like it was a sex thing.

This is not pretty. Bronya launches into a lecture on Lanque: sneaking out, being an ass to Lynera, and...

Yeah, maybe it’s a good thing we didn’t get further involved.

Apparently he’s not deterred by the fact that we literally called Bronya up to get out of fucking him, and adds us on Chittr before he leaves.

So that’s an ending. Sweet look, protagonist.

But it’s not the ending ending. We get a final screen.

Sure, I want to understand. Is this going to be some kind of direct artist-to-reader commentary on what they were trying to accomplish with that chapter?

The text box turns white, and the font changes. I bet this is Doc Scratch. So no, probably not that. In fact, this segues straight into the epilogue. I think there are different versions of the epilogue depending how you approach the final chapter, or else we were supposed to play the other branch before Lanque, so for the sake of putting the epilogue at the end, I’ll save it for a future post. (I’ve already written it up.)

Now, the other Lanque branches. First of all, refusing at the NSFW notice.

So they poke fun at the reader for like, not accepting the NSFW notice. Uh-huh. You know that Steam doesn’t automatically give a mature content warning if you’ve set up your account that way right? Which I guess is my own fault lol.

Anyway, doing this leads to like... a totally different arc, and a totally different canon. Huh, I genuinely expected they’d like just end the story there.

It’s a cozy party now, apparently.

This version of Lanque is... different.

For one thing, he’s got a flower crown. And instead of soft sexy jazz, we have a pretty piano piece. He says hi to Lynera and me.

Hmm. Not entirely un-hornified, then.

Lynera gushes wildly about us, recapping a whole bunch of plot.

It turns out, rather than taking drugs and having sex and other such risqué things, this party is a chill poetry reading.

So I realise this entire branch is just like, an extended joke at the reader. Look how un-edgy this is. We’re going to support our friends and read poetry.

In this one, instead of asking to kiss us, he asks to hold hands before we read poetry. And he says this is a poem about a past relationship, and it might be a bit raw.

We get Lanque’s poem, in full.

I was going to copy-paste the whole thing in, but it’s quite long, so let’s be uncool and respect copyright or whatever because my fingers were getting tired. It is quite good... addressing loss, and memory, and the lingering influence of a past relationship. It makes me wish I had ever developed the ability to appreciate and comment on poetry, because I feel like I just don’t have the vocabulary to comment on it, or what it might connect to, or anything else. The narration agrees: raw, emotional.

I imagine, though perhaps this is presumptuous, it is reflecting something quite real in the real life of ‘V’.

Lynera also gets the chance to read out a poem. She happens to have one on hand. It’s about Bronya, sure enough, and her loneliness and alienation.

Afterwards, she is self-deprecating.

This version of Lanque is kind and reassuring - the complete opposite of his persona in the sexy branch.

We leave with Lynera after hugging it out. Reading her poem, and being with other trolls in this way, seems to have really helped Lynera. There’s another pointed bit of defensiveness at potential critics.

Soapbox: This is the state of discourse, where the complex feelings we have in relation to fictional works must get flattened out into strict ‘rules’. A character can easily support lesbian and bi interpretations; it can be a relief to bi people and upsetting for lesbians when one of those possibilities is ruled out by having her express interest in a man (not that this, ultimately, rules out lesbian interpretations, since a person can of course be mistaken about their feelings).

To lesbians, it is perhaps likely more salient that many characters they identify with end up expressing attraction to men, and this can seem like yet another instance. To bi women, narratives about picking a ‘side’ are perhaps more likely to be salient, and it can be relief to have an explicitly bi character.

The only conclusion we can draw is that gender is a hellish system of punishment and exploitation, and we should seek to be kind to each other and also abolish it forthwith, write our own stories, and abolish the stranglehold that capital holds on all aspects of our lives including the symbolic media we use to understand the world.

All that said, this repetitive defensiveness about ‘problematic’ writing does kind of annoy me a bit, even if I can understand where it comes from. Let your work speak for itself.

Anyway, that’s enough huge essays (I say, falsely). Let’s finish out the branch.

“...right?”

This branch finishes out with a poke at the whole structure of the game so far - the good endings, bad endings, and so on. We’ve not made a friend, but we have made a stronger connecting with an existing one.

I’m not sure how seriously we should take that given the way ‘valid’ has become pretty much a joke word, if this is still an extended dig at the audience, but there we are.

That was a surprisingly long and rich branch for a first choice, which is kind of nice, actually.

If we click ‘no’ on ‘do you want to understand’...

We just get a game over screen with us sitting in our watchtower looking sad.

So now... it’s time for the nsfw section discussed above. Except... it’s a total fakeout.

First of all, we get an implication that it’s not his first time at all. Anyway, then we get to it. Which is to say, we get a fade to silly anime joke. God, this is like those old 4chan stories where they’d set you up for a sex scene and then rickroll you or something.

We get a ‘dorito faced anime boy’ joke I guess?

Afterwards...

Lol.

Anyway, in this branch, he doesn’t add us on chittr. Lol.

So yeah we die of shame. Welp.

God I can’t believe I thought this would actually go there. Of course it would be a joke at the audience.

Looking back, well, you know, reading the metaphors: he’s a predatory guy and lied through his teeth to get into our pants. Obviously it’s not his first time; obviously he’s not about to bugger off to space and never have sex again T_T, obviously the shit he said was just to get us to fuck; this isn’t just cheesy narrative tropes but within the fiction him playing the protagonist in order to get us to fuck. Complete with the whole attempt to drug us, and make it very unambiguously rape. (Which no doubt Elwurd knew). He got us to explicitly consent before we did anything, but also did enough shady shit so as to make that ‘consent’ kind of questionable when viewed later.

Viewed in that light... what I originally thought was just someone writing a horny fantasy about a hot dominating guy who’s totally into you~ is actually like... a pretty sharp piece of writing about shit pulled by men. There were plenty of warning signs - the ‘objectifying’ way he looks at you, the way he attempts to drug you, etc. I would like to imagine that IRL, rather than taking it as a piece of fiction, I wouldn’t be vulnerable to the same tactics. (Well, obviously I wouldn’t from a guy, at any rate). But it’s kind of a nicely written piece to make you feel stupid and taken advantage of afterwards like... why the fuck did you go along with this.

Though given that this kind of thing is something that people like... actually go through, I feel like they could have warned for it better than ‘challenging and controversial material’. Yes, that might have robbed it of some of its power; but it would also mean that it wouldn’t trigger people who have trauma over this exact kind of thing.

So.

“V”.

Honestly, my strongest feeling about “V” is one of respect. Both their stories have been a weird blend of cheeky, challenging and playful, with some very astute elements and an enormous amount of energy and intensity. They’re prepared to fuck with the reader in ways both silly (lick the troll’s armpit!) and rather more serious (this whole arc), they fuck around with canonicity and narrative structure in creative ways... I wonder what else they’ve written?

There remains only these two clown twins, and the epilogue.

Barzum and Baizli

To finish out the set, we have another pair. The Alternian text says ‘The Soleil Twins’, so I guess that’s their surname. The twins are written by Kieran Miranda, who previously wrote Azdaja, Stelsa and Charun.

The story begins with day nearing, and the protagonist friendless. They get the idea to like... head over to relax with Skylla, but before they can, they run into a house.

A very haunted looking house.

An easy choice for us to begin. ‘No fucking way’ naturally skips this arc, right?

Nope, back at the house. We get another choice: leave left or right. I picked left. I doubt it matters.

Yep, that kind of house. We can’t escape.

After a struggle, we reach the door.

Inside, we immediately pass out with a sense of nausea. Lovely. This can only go well. We hear something like bugs skittering away.

The mansion does at least seem to be explorable. Unfortunately, the door leads to a portrait gallery full of clowns, which is not the most welcome place to end up.

Someone tunes one of the portraits. It turns out to be a TV. Dramatic piano chords come in.

Oh hey it’s some friends.

Their shtick is that the one on the right finishes the one on the left’s sentences, the one on the left speaks in all lower case, and the one on the right speaks in all caps.

They want us to find them. They’re very bored you see, and want to play a game. This is, I understand, an allusion to the Saw series of horror movies, in which I gather a person places people in buildings full of sadistic traps, monitored by various cameras and a small puppet with spiral cheeks. So I guess that’s us now.

We get our first real choice.

I think the door is too obvious. If there’s not another exit, we’ll have to take the door anyway - though that’s likely a different branch, realistically speaking.

We discover a hidden door. Behind it is... a hole in the ground.

I guess we have instant-death options later than usual in this chapter. Our final thought is about the terrible loss of our Chittr profile.

Well, that’s fine. Let’s see what happens if we go straight into the house instead of wandering around.

Approaching the house immediately just skips the wandering around; the text is the same. It was a fake choice. Skipping forward, let’s see what happens if we take the obvious door, not the hidden one.

As we move down the hallway, the lights come on and the walls start bleeding. Lovely. Glorious sense of interior decoration. Tip top.

Beyond the door, we end up in another dark room. Maybe this one will be more of a true CYOA, with death options in every room.

But no. Not immediately, anyway. Ropes come out of the ground and tie us up. The two trolls who were watching us make themselves known.

Carnivalish music kicks in. We finally get a clear view of our captors.

Baizli right (allcaps), Barzum left (lowercase). I’ll try to remember that.

The twins say some predictably sinister stuff about removing our intestines (acid tubes, in trollspeak). The narrator grumbles about once again being reduced to the status of ‘torture muppet’.

When we express a desire to leave, Barzum and Baizli swap both demeanour and capitalisation rule. Now Baizli looks sad, and speaks in lowercase, while Barzum is pissed and speaks in caps.

These two twins, in the tradition of creepy twins, seem to share one mind. Which means they can hardly prank each other! They need someone else.

They rev up a chainsaw and suddenly... we’re back in the same room we started.

Looks like we’ve had another bit of time fuckery from The Powers That Be. Compare Fozzer. The loops kick in, faster and faster. Glued. Buried alive.

Having read the epilogue, all I’ll say is that it seems like someone is trying very hard to push us onto a timeline that ‘works’.

There’s a joke about time loop movies which I don’t get because I haven’t seen very many time loop movies.

After ‘20 or so’ loops, we decide we’ve had enough. But we get a choice of what to do about it.

Let’s try ‘Fuck this.’ first.

This turns out to mean attempting to intimidate the twins instead of begging them to release us.

While they’re baffled by this display, we make a break for an air vent. Surprisingly, we make good our escape. There’s a mention of all our jogging training with Stelsa, which happened in a non-canonical timeline - there was a whole thing about it! - but fair enough. Guess that’s another thing that persists between timelines. Or maybe the protag just thinks they went jogging with Stelsa in this timeline.

We find we’ve missed a bunch of texts from Skylla while we were out, and plan to head over there. But alas... the space loop is still in effect.

We end up back at the house. Unable to escape from the pocket dimension, the branch ends...

So let’s try the other option: ‘remember who you are’.

Come, try to remember...

And that is, of course... FRIENDSHIP. This time, we have something to say to the clowns (after ensuring we haven’t pissed ourselves).

Not killing us is apparently a novel idea for the twins. Or rather, they didn’t plan to kill us - just cut us up a bit, unaware that we wouldn’t heal right back up. The protag corrects the misconception.

So now we’re teaching the creepy clown kids the meaning of friendship. Novel!

The lights come up and they put on a little circus show for us. Apparently this building is not their hive.

They show us various other dangerous-looking circus tricks with the torture/circus equipment. Ah, says the narrator, so risking their lives is these kids’ hobby.

It turns out these kids hatched from the same egg. They tell us they do in fact share a mind entirely - one mind, two bodies.

And at last we end up chilling out and sharing stories.

With this friendship established, we sense a shift of some kind. We take this as a sign that the door might have finally opened.

Not only is the door open, but the ‘pocket dimension’ has dissipated too. The power of friendship! ...or fulfilling some secret design of whoever created the pocket dimension. Mmm.

How touching.

There’s a fakeout victory jingle, which turns out to have been a prank. They explain that... the creepy blood seeping walls and so on were their ‘chucklevoodoos’, but as for the time loop... Not them at all.

“Do you want to understand?” asks the prompt again. Time... for the epilogue.

#momestuck #lets read hiveswap friendsim #sex cw

[gnostic-heretic]

nyo lietrus headcanons :3c

disclaimer: hc that nyo liet is nb and nyo rus a trans lady. (i’ll expand more below!) also, i see the nyos as on a completely different universe/timeline than the regular characters, with different personalities and backstories!

they share a passion for literature and flowers. although rūta is the expert on edible plants, anya on growing ornamental plants! anya is a lover of poetry while rūta prefers adventure novels (but also has a soft spot for romance).

anya loves to wear pastel colors and frilly dresses and is super feminine with her fashion choices, but rūta thinks she’s adorable even at home in slacks and a t shirt! she’s the type of girl who spends a rlly long time on makeup and rūta doesn’t get it but loves the Dedication she puts into it

meanwhile rūta prefers dark colors and shades of blue and green, but is also open to lighter ones like yellow and lilac sometimes. they really like old military uniform-cut jackets and button up shirts, especially for formal events! if they ever feel insecure about their appearance or the way clothes fit them, anya reassures them that they’re handsome and look amazing, and no one else could be her prince but them.

likewise, when anya is feeling down about herself (which is pretty.. often, as i think she would struggle with depression) rūta ... is not very good with words, but an extremely good cuddler. :D (and a good kisser ;D hah)

it was anya who confessed first, but rūta was the one who initiated things. i’d say anya is very open about her feelings but too shy when it comes to ACTING on them. while rūta is emotionally constipated lol but has no issue just, sweeping their gal off her feet with a kiss that makes her blush like a steamed beetroot

speaking of flowers, before confessing anya probably... would have used the language of flowers to send hints... and poems and leaving her perfumed tissues around. trying to be subtle but her beloved just doesn’t get it until she’s straightforward about it gfjhgj she’s very sensitive and loves old fashioned courting but rūta is a less-nonsense-let’s-just-make-out type of person

again about flowers >:3 anya is really good at braiding rūta’s hair... and likes to weave little flowers in their hair! they go for a walk in the garden and rūta comes back with a braid full of tiny forget-me-nots, and anya with a crown of daisies... smiling at each other like little kids because it’s just too cute.

sometimes rūta braids anya’s hair too, and in a short time they learn how to do... man different hairstyles because anya is always so delighted and surprised at !! cool new hair! (even if she’s not really that surprised or knew how to do it herself, she always wears her brightest smile...) plus anya has the softest hair and it’s just nice to touch (while rūta’s hair would be thicker and less... fluffy?)

anya has a sweet tooth and is an excellent baker and rūta really appreciates it. their favorite cake is raspberry pie, while anya likes meringues and small pastries with custard and whipped cream the most

the thing that feels more heavy on  rūta about being at russia’s house (for political and historical reasons- i don’t think nyo rus would have “dragged” them away the same way russia does in canon) is the formal events (which they were BAD at even during the commonwealth) but anya does her best to make them feel comfortable. rūta is more like her personal bodyguard/knight than like... a servant anyway

... the whole bodyguard deal is the reason why they spend so much time together and eventually get to know each other better, anya is bigger but also really weepy and soft and she can’t really defend herself... she grew up in the countryside while rūta trained for years during the commonwealth and was in the army so they are skilled with swordfight and, if necessary, firearms

because of this she’s a little intimidated by rūta at first but the more she gets to know them the more she’s... intrigued by Mysterious Pagan Aura meanwhile for rūta being under someone’s rule is nothing new (cough nyo poland cough), but they also resent anya at first because it’s a Matter of Pride TM and yet... they’re completely smitten once they get to know her as a person and not just, Russia the nation who rules them currently

anya could sit for hours listening to all the legends and folk tales rūta knows IF ONLY THEY WERE MORE KEEN ON TALKING which they aren’t. rūta is. a silent , stoic person but they definitely can be sweet too

exhibit:  rūta is like... a silent observer. they watch anya closely, day and night, and do their duty. but as they do they start picking up... small things that anya does, like fidgeting around strangers even when she appears more confident. the way she blushes... the way she laughs very quietly... the way she sometimes eats pastries while she thinks no one is looking and they’re like. damn. she’s cute. and bam it’s crush time

this hc belongs to @nbmochi so i’m crediting them as it’s right!!!! but while tolys’ transness would be rooted in his love for humans and his desire to live among them, rūta does feel heavily detached from what is human and mortal and feel kind of conflicted about... their body as being something so resembling humans. they feel more tied to their land than to their people, unlike tolys... like, “i’m not a man, i’m not a woman, i’m lithuania” i just think this is such a neat hc and it suits their personality so well.

what i like the most about having both of them as trans is the fact that they would understand each other’s Moments TM and be super supportive of each other... if rūta catches anya down in the dumps about her height, you can bet that they will wear the most ridiculous heels and powdered wig that adds 10 cm to their head to cheer her up... and make her laugh and smile. if rūta is feeling bad about their body, likewise, anya will talk to them about all the things she likes about them. and how she believes in them, no matter what... just really wholesome & sweet transtalia content hah

that’s it >:3 

#lietrus #headcanons #just some Thots TM #that i needed to get out #transtalia

[microsuedemouse]

this post got longer than anticipated so I'm putting it under a cut - it's just me musing about writing queer characters and how best to include representation in my work without making their queerness the focal point of their existence.

a couple of days ago out of nowhere an idea came to me to solve a narrative problem in a story I've been working on in various iterations for over a decade but haven't actually thought much about in definitely months, if not over a year

(which was interesting in itself, and speaks perhaps to that idea of letting a project shift to the back of your head when it's not cooperating with you, and maybe it will continue to simmer back there and when you check on it again it will have developed some)

but anyway part of this solution involved the introduction of another character, who would probably serve as a recurring but tertiary presence for the story as a whole, such as it is. (like so many of my projects, it's never had a singular distinct plot, so much as just a premise and a cast and possible storylines.) and said character, the moment I started writing her, very obviously to me, turned out to be trans.

and it all got me thinking again about the ways that gender/sexuality/related topics have historically existed in my writing and my characters and my worlds. I have been consciously aware of my inclusion of queer characters in my work since sometime in high school - probably around the time that sites like tumblr began to educate me more on social subjects and I started to become actively invested in them - but even now, some 10+ years later and having come to the understanding that I am neither straight nor cis, I am almost never compelled to make characters' queerness like... loud or obvious or A Point.

like. okay. so. if I'm being totally honest, there were many years during which I sympathised with R*wling over the whole 'Dumbledore is gay but it just Never Came Up' thing because I've got lots of characters whose queerness likely wouldn't come up in the story the way I was telling it. (I hope I don't need this disclaimer but: I no longer sympathise with that, or really anything she says. she is a terf and I do not support her.) because their gender/orientation/etc. doesn't necessarily have any impact on or relevance to their story arc as it exists in my head. I have characters who, yeah, you'll know they're gay, because they have romance subplots - but I also have others for whom it wouldn't be relevant to bring it up unless I engineered a reason for it to come up.

and I've been mulling it over for a few days and I think some of it probably has to do with my OWN feelings about identity and how it's perceived by others. being ace and bi and nonbinary are all parts of who I am, yeah, of course, but under most circumstances I really don't feel strongly about having other people know that. yeah, okay, it can be annoying sometimes to be Assumed Straight or Assumed Female but by and large those things are all very internal to me and I don't actually care what other people think when they look at me. so like, even though I 100% understand the importance of unambiguous representation, I don't personally feel the need for it in most cases.

so you wind up with me sitting here, looking at this new character who's not big enough in the story to have a whole Thing about being trans, and whose transness is far from the most interesting or relevant thing about her... wondering how to make it clear without feeling like I'm shoehorning it in. I know how to code her, how to include lines of dialogue and things that a sharp reader could pick up on and go 'hey this makes it sound like she's trans,' but I'd love to be able to be more direct than that without making it a whole Thing. it's a lot more relevant that she's a super-friendly party animal, that she's a nearly-full-time sugar baby, and most of all that she's a demon who uses human secrets like currency, collecting and trading them as social capital! being trans is not anywhere near the front of the list when it comes to prominent aspects of her character and with her being tertiary to the story I'm left wondering how to include it in a way that isn't overly obvious or like, crammed-in-for-the-sake-of-it.

and, idk. I think this branches off into a lot of other conversations for me, too. like how I don't relate to my peers' way of exploring and celebrating their queerness by talking about it all the time or viewing everything through that lens. or how I love when people have all kinds of different headcanons/reads of their favourite characters based wholly on what they want to see but that doesn't do anything for me personally - if I'm reading a character as queer, that's gonna be based on something I'm picking up in the text itself; that's just how I read. or how I'm not actually particularly more compelled by queer stories/romances than by cishet ones.

but I dunno. I dunno. I want to be a responsible and proactive writer who is direct about the inclusion of queerness in her writing, because audiences need and deserve that. but I don't wanna make queerness the centre of a character or story if it's not about that already, and I don't wanna shoehorn their queerness into the dialogue/narration just for the sake of having it there. (and as a writer, I can't rely on subtle visual cues, like pride flags in the backgrounds of scenes or whatever - like, if I mention them, I'm Making A Point Of Mentioning Them. if you draw a pride flag on a bedroom wall in the background of a comic panel and don't comment on it, it's just environmental storytelling, y'know?)

idk. I'm still growing as a writer, and I'm sure eventually I'll figure out how to do this in a way that works for me. but for now I'm left sitting here looking at another queer character wondering how to do her justice without turning it into a whole unnecessary ordeal.

#Courtney talks #writing #queerness #representation #also don't reblog please #not that I expect anyone to but sometimes with posts like these it happens and it weirds me out lol