#and things kind of suck for a lot of us

[wulvbonez]

<- brainworms (constantly thinking about politics) (this post kind of expanded into me waxing poetic in the tags whoops)

#leftism curse #died #its 2:30 am and im thinking abt the history of kink at pride #not even thinking about it in a problem solving way i just... #think about it. #like sometimes i just be laying here and then im thinking about...what wouldve happened if reconstruction never ended #and then i think about how it mustve felt to be a black person existing during reconstruction #can you imagine the joy? of being freed after more than a hundred years of your family being enslaved? #and then that gets taken away #and falling back into jim crow #and then sometimes i think about simpler things #like what a young boy in the 1900s mustve been raised like #or how different things are in general #and i think weve progressed so much; and i feel joy #and i know we have work to do #and things kind of suck for a lot of us #but i think its nice to just appreciate the work that has been done #to think about iconic figures and appreciate how they moved us forward; one ring up on the bar

[dimension-20-every-introduction]

Everyone Introduced in Dimension 20′s Mentopolis episode 6 (finale)

#dimension 20 #dimension 20 spoilers #d20 introductions #mentopolis #mentopolis spoilers #d20 mentopolis #HOT DAMN............. what a season #that was unbelievably goofy and looney toons level silly but like. what a fun ride #i feel like the kids on bikes system really opens the door for a lot of those moments from what i've seen it's so great #also having a secret narrative stat that uses the fucking d100 as the die roll was like VERY silly but also like. #it has me going a little bit insane about like ways that could be used in like other genres or things or whatever #like god damn that's a good way to represent some aspect of character that is just so impossibly strong that like...... #when they tap into that they just cannot fail #which kinda sucks in terms of balancing for gameplay but like god damn‚ narratively? #and like restricting it so that stat only sort of becomes awakened or usable when that sort of deeply rooted personal growth comes into pla #this might be kind of a weird stretch but like.... the crests from the og digimon adventure? #like if they managed to tap into those aspects of themselves and their crests glow‚ that's their d100 stat‚ their crests #and all sorts of astronomically powerful shit could sort of come about from them acting within their strongest parts of themselves in turn #i don't know. maybe i'm just too digimon brained maybe i'm just a little too hooked on that digimon ttrpg show that uses kids on bikes too #but like...................................... fuck. #i don't know‚ it could be something! #anyways i really enjoyed these sort of lightly animated scenes of the real world that elias hodge got to star in as the pov #very VERY fun how they played across the dome in game too #also oh my godddddd anastasia and fawnbrooke......... bro i'm gay #was this season sillier than fantasy high? or escape from the bloodkeep? probably #like the lore and worldbuilding was unabashedly bonkers due to it all existing in the mental manifestation of the human brain #and VERY funny at that #probably the silliest d20's ever been! but i loved it #alright‚ guess that's it for this one #see y'all next season!!

[moonscape]

okay i'm going to be nicer to totk for real now *deletes most of my drafts*

#bwark #god i'm fucking trying to have some kind of epiphany here where i can have it all click and be like ''even if i have my problems i can still #get enjoyment out of it'' but this game makes it so damn difficult #''i can discuss the story'' wait nope can't. story sucks ass and butt #''what about the exploration? that was the best part of botw'' uh no can't do that when the surface is practically the same and there's no #substance to the sky or the depths #''gameplay?'' i don't like ultrahand. which sucks when that's 90% of the gameplay #i respect the work that must've gone into it and the creativity it's drawn from fans but making one gameplay aspect literally ALL YOU DO #runs the risk of alienating people who can't get behind #and sure other zelda games have their gimmicks but it's different #like take tp for example. i get that the wolf mechanic isn't for everyone. but aside from the early game twilight sections and a few sparse #puzzles in the later game you're never really forced to play as wolf so it doesn't overstay its welcome #god i just remembered that totk turned wolf link into meat chunks. another thing they took from us 😔 #actually on that genuinely why couldn't they just bring him back? #like you're reusing a ton of shit from botw anyway?? #which brings me back to my main point is that anything that isn't new is just. botw again #shrines are back but they're uglier. dungeons are the divine beasts but in a new coat of paint #why did they add more shrines to the game anyway? like you'd think they'd at least lower the number because fans didn't want them to return #the SINGULAR leg up i can think of id the bosses. yeah i love botw and i'll hold my hands up and say that a lot of the common complaints for #it don't bother me personally but yeah the blights absolutely sucked #divebombing colgera with the dragon roost theme playing was the closest thing that this game came to giving me an experience #okay i'll shut up now I'M GOING TO BE NICE EVEN IF IT KILLS ME

[neolxzr]

Literally a genuine question no ill intent

What do you like about Aira? As much as people are absolutely adamant Akira is projecting (I really don't think he is (I'm not saying Akira is innocent) I just think he's trying to address the prejudiced thoughts the average Japanese person will have on the Ainu) Aira's weird comments and behaviour to Hiiro have been there since day one. And I also think Aira being the one who says all this is because he's supposed to reflect the fans and the average Japanese fan probably isn't that educated on the Ainu + there can be a good few racist enstars fans...

I'm not trying to sound heated about this I'm just coming from a genuine place, what appeal is there in Aira?

Also, as much as the Aira fans are talking about blaming Akira, I feel like there should absolutely be a focus on Hiiro right now considering that comment was... yknow said to him. I just think we should actually be talking about the Amagis considering that comment was intended to discuss the Amagis and their culture and the discrimination they go through.

i had someone ask me a similar question once but not in the context of all thats happening currently so you can read that here if youre inclined

buuuut what made me like aira so much in the first place was honestly that his concept as a character is really funny. i made a post a long while back that went into the funny meta jokes that you could make using aira as a character before i really knew much about enstars at all. having a character in your idol series that loves idols and canonically reads fanfic about them is just a funny concept in general. and as i continued to read more he continued to be funny and annoying and endearing (his little mini interaction with midori comes to mind immediately. there is something wrong with him)

also i tend to gravitate towards characters that give me like. little sibling energy. i love having a favorite little guy to dote on

but afterwards what really drew me to him was the main story!! thermometry specifically comes to mind (ouuugh,,,,). his feature scout stories are also great and so is feather touch! i wont like. go into detail really cause my blog is covered in me talking about aira already

his dynamic with hiiro is one of my favorites too, especially in mainstory. their dynamic isnt JUST aira says shitty things to hiiro and thats it. their relationship develops really far to the point where aira admits that he needs hiiro as much as hiiro needs him. they're young and inexperienced and kind of codependent as they're trying to keep themselves from going under in a sort of cutthroat industry. i think thats really neat. their relationship is really sweet to me and aira is a great tsundere type of character. he regularly is shown to actually like hiiro a lot as mean as he can be to him sometimes i.e. here. and you know the whole holding hands thing (which they also fucked up in the climax story but Whatever)

theres also this. which i think about regularly. the hiiai shipping fuel is vast

and additionally i think aira has some really great relationships with other characters too, alkaloid especially. feather touch develops his relationship with tatsumi a lot and its one of my favorite aira moments. i couldnt find my screenshots for this one but basically aira gives tatsumi his unlocked phone (something VERY important to aira since hes a little screenager) and it shows tatsumi just how much aira trusts him and he realizes how important aira is as a friend to him. being someone with a history like him aira's friendship is sort of new to him and it helps them both grow

he loves his friends so so much and he’s had a positive impact on all of alkaloid. he is its heart after all

but in any case i'm not going to like, defend myself for liking aira. i am aware that the shitty stuff has been there from the start but i've said something similar in the past that was like. aira isn't real and he cannot take accountability for what he says. he's a character written by real people who doesn't have any control over how he acts. so i guess that's why when i think the writers write something i dont think he would do or say in my own personal aira opinion i can sort of brush it off as just bad writing.

and not in the sense that i dont recognize that enstars sucks, because it does. enstars can be terribly racist sometimes and not just when concerning aira, and thats important to talk about (i.e. the orient cards, the king of thieves cards, etc). but at the end of the day the most important thing to recognize is the people and company behind the game as well as the real people who play the game and are affected by it. and not like, the specific characters in the game. cause they didn't actually do anything or feel anything you know

#cryn answers #anon #enstars #media analysis #im a miraculous ladybug fan im used to pretending that the thing i like is better than it actually is lmfao #was including sources for what im saying too much?? #anyway i didnt even touch on airas own experiences with racial discrimination #i dont think its written perfectly so thats why i didnt talk about it but its an important aspect of his character too #and an important part in his place in alkaloid #also i hope i dont come off as rude or upset in this anon #i appreciate you being respectful #but also im a little tired of talking about this ill admit it #i enjoyed rambling about aira again im just like :( that its cause of all the discourse and whatever happening right now #blegh #i think its kind of like. i mean if you only hear little tidbits of what a character is like through twitter screenshots #youre not gonna have a full picture #and i think thats how it is for a lot of enstarries with aira #and thats not a jab at anyone i dont know jackshit about like. mama or undead or fine or akatsuki. and thats fine #theres too many characters for me to know everything about everyone #but with aira specifically his only character trait to the people who dont produce alkaloid is 'the racist one' #and that sucks #but anyways. thats all i have in me for now

[captainofthetidesbreath]

love that we're brute-forcing Vandran/Relvin as a ship in this tiny-ass corner of the fandom, sincerely just

#I mean it's like.... they're very similar emotionally repressed working class dads who suck at emotions and are hurtfully distant #whose partners got sucked into these destructive cults seeking ruin using powers granted by this massive eldritch force #and then literally never talked about it ever bc it's a Whole Doozy and hurts quite a lot #and their children / children surrogate is offered the chance to make those same mistakes #and they're coming at it from different ends! Vandran has been just as offered and seduced by power as them all! #the being left vs. the running away. anyway anyway #SO funny that this is kind of a jokeship but you can do a lot with it if you wanted to commit and that's great. i think this is so funny. #Critical Role things

[orcelito]

I think I cried harder today over my dad's jackets than I did at his deathbed. That was a miserable time of course, a memory that will likely be seared into my brain until I die, but I cried... I think a normal amount, all things considered. More than I ever usually do of course, but I typically don't cry At All. All this free crying is certainly surreal.

The jackets, though. I was put in charge of doing his laundry, because we don't want to pack up dirty clothes. I was expecting it to be unpleasant bc my dad's dirty clothes - gross. But really, it was much more unpleasant in that... those were his. It felt wrong to touch them. Felt wrong to treat his jackets as gross. Because they were just his jackets. They weren't even in the hamper. And then I was remembering him wearing them, and then I was crying. Again. And again. Weeping over these damn jackets.

Then I found a shirt on his bed that still smelled like him. It smelled like a Hug From Dad. And that set me off crying even harder.

In total, I think I cried like 6 times within 40 minutes. It took me that long to finish sorting the damn clothes bc I just. Was a wreck. Like, what are you supposed to do when you're living life like normal, vaguely hopeful bc you're taking steps to secure your own happiness, and then 4 days later you're sorting your dad's laundry because he fucking died. Suddenly. Without a goodbye.

And you have to worry about his lack of a will (even under an ideal situation, only 2 heirs and no conflicts between us, probate's a fucking Bitch), and arranging the funeral, and prepping his obituary, and picking out pictures, and writing a speech bc you want to talk at his funeral, of Course you want to talk at his funeral, but even just thinking about anecdotes you could share has you crying yet again.

I've cried more times in the past 3 days than likely the entirety of last YEAR. And that's WITH my cat, and uncle, and family friend dying. Those all hurt, my uncle most of all, & I was real fucked up over it. But this? This was my Dad. Likely the person I'd have named 2nd closest to me in my life, second only to my sister. He wasn't perfect, but he did so much for me throughout my entire life. All he wanted was to raise us to be happy and independent. And he accomplished it, we're getting by without him, but we still wanted several more decades with him. He was only 57. We should've gotten several more decades with him.

But here we are now. Playing investigators to his life, digging into all his shit, trying to find documents and take inventory of all his things, and learning Many things about him in the process. In his lockbox of sensitive documents, like his SSN and birth certificate and all that stuff, we found an old letter. About a decade old now, written in my hand. Right at the very top, we found that he'd kept the letter I wrote to him telling him frankly about my struggles and the things I wanted him to do better. He kept it. He tried to take it to heart. He looked at it again, sometime more recently than all the rest of the documents. That was on top.

His love for us is evident everywhere. The pictures he has hanging up all over the place, majority of them with us in them. The old fathers day cards placed on display in his bedroom bookshelf. The gifts we gave him, even stupid little knick knacks, placed around his apartment with pride. I wish we'd taken more videos of him. I don't want to forget the sound of his voice. I don't want to forget his smell either, the smell of a Hug From Dad, but I still tossed that shirt into the wash even though it felt like saying yet another goodbye.

It's the suddenness that hurts the most, I think. We were planning on having him help me finally get my license this year. My final words to him, the last thing he would've seen from me, were messages asking up on whether he'd called his car insurance company to make sure there wouldn't be problems. I should've called him more. I don't know if I'm going to learn from this.

I cut my 2 weeks off early to have time to grieve and to work on things for the funeral and settling the estate. The last thing I'd wanna do right now is selling fucking bubble tea in a job I already decided to leave. So here I am without a job, though with potentially two life insurance policy payouts to come. Inheriting half his 401k. Inheriting couches, knickknacks, keepsakes, paintings, art pieces, maybe even his guitar and other furniture if we can figure out what to do about space (I don't have room for this furniture, I don't know if I even have room for the couches, but God do I want to keep so much of this furniture). It has me even considering keeping one of his guns, just one. A tiny little revolver, it sits so comfortably in my hand. I don't even want to use it for anything. I just want to have it, keep it stored in a drawer with its ammo kept separate. I don't like guns, but this is a part of him. He loved collecting guns. He was about as responsible with them as someone can be, keeping them locked in a lockbox and impressing upon his children the importance of gun safety (I've known the basic gun safety rules ever since I was a little kid. Of course, of course, of course.) It reminds me of him. It's horrifically easy to have a gun in Indiana. I apparently don't even need a permit to carry anymore. (I have no intention to ever carry this in public.)

It's all a cycle. Business, grief, thoughts about my future. Round and round, like the most nauseating carousel in existence. I don't know how I'm still so functional. My skills with compartmentalization have been my lifesaver.

And im just thinking about the story my dad's best friend shared today. About a friend of theirs who lost her father. She reached out after hearing about my dad to share his words with her: "it's okay to grieve, but don't make his death your life".

He explicitly referenced himself in this, saying if he were to die suddenly that he wouldn't want us to define ourselves by it. Grief is expected, but he wants us to be able to move on. He's always wanted us to establish ourselves and make ourselves happy. He wouldn't want to be a weight holding us back from that.

So every time I start to feel guilty for thinking about having nicer furniture or using his life insurance payout to fund the rest of my college, I remind myself of that. Thinking about the material isn't a bad thing. I'm only human. And in the end, he'd Want me to be thinking about it. He never intended to die, certainly not without warning like this, so he would've only encouraged me being pragmatic about it all.

He only ever wanted us to be happy. So I need to do what I can to live up to that.

I love him. I miss him already.

#speculation nation #negative/ #this got really long on accident. but i think typing this out was really helpful for me. #getting the thoughts out. processing. the works. #nearly cried several times just from writing this. #...and honestly i might reference this again when i start seriously writing my eulogy. #things suck a Lot right now. and i really wish they were different. #feels like i picked a bad choice in a video game and am now seeing the Bad Ending or whatever #all i need to do is reload a previous save. it's all still there. perfectly preserved in my memories. #but... that's all gone. as suddenly and unfair as it is ive been thrust into a new chapter of my life so thoroughly. #it's not all bad though. he wasnt prepared for dying so it's been hell to prepare for him #we dont know if we'll even be able to get into his fucking iphone. stupid piece of shit. #but he had life insurance. he had a union job. and That comes with benefits #(something about a year's salary going to the family. aka half a year's salary to Me. and isnt That mind boggling.) #as much as it hurts im going to be realistic about it. im going to do what i need to finish my education. #and im going to use it as a springboard for finally becoming a 'proper adult'. #the kind who could own a nice kitchen fridge. one with an ice machine on the front of the door #and freezers in the drawers. #maybe then i could think about getting motorcyle lessons. not from my dad as i originally wanted #but i wanna keep the family biker spirit alive. i wanted it even before he died. and now i want it even more. #ive had so so many thoughts. it's only been 3 days. ive had to emotionally numb myself several times just to Get Through It. #everything is exacerbated. my mom wants to go to the funeral. we will have to fight her on this. my dad Hated her. #and i certainly dont fucking want her around either. not then. not when im talking about my dad. #(my dad. my Dad. i saw him die. i felt him cold. i do not regret it. it still hurts me.) #it's overwhelming. i loved him so fucking much. even with his flaws he was truly an amazing father. #i'll... shut up now. if you read this far. well. hug your loved ones a little tighter. you never know when youll lose them.

[blujayonthewing]

thinkin again about the time elyss's DM cut in to stop a conversation between her and a semi-retired player character to hurriedly take back control of him as an NPC before he could give her, as an extremely kind and thoughtful gift, one of his own personal belongings, and then said 'elyss can probably buy it from him though :)' instead

like. what an egregiously fucking shitty thing to do, actually.

#I think we were caught SO offguard that neither of us was able to articulate a good resistance although we both tried #eldryn's player: ...I mean... he WAS going to just give it to her #DM: haha well I don't wanna just give you guys too much stuff [???] #me: I mean-- you JUST gave us like? ten thousand gold and a castle that we didn't even ask for ......? #I HAVE the money [2000g????] and I don't actually care about losing it but.............??? #DM: yeah so I just feel like I've already given you guys a lot lately #WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAID WAS: THAT WAS A GIFT BETWEEN CHARACTERS NOT 'THE DM GIVING US TOO MUCH'. #WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAID WAS 'YOU ARE CHANGING A KIND GESTURE FROM A GOODHEARTED MAN INTO A CRAVEN EXPLOITATION OF ELYSS FOR MONEY.' #WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAID WAS 'TAKING OVER A PLAYER CHARACTER IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT ELYSS TO HAVE A THING #'IS AN ABUSE OF DM POWER AND AN EGREGIOUS BREACH OF DM/ PLAYER TRUST.' #WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAID WAS 'WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE AGAINST ELYSS AND/OR ME PERSONALLY.' #and like. the actual consequences are so small. we were in a between-arcs timeskip we had BBEG Treasure Hoard money #Elyss loses 2000g and doesn't even miss it. Eldryn being a good friend IS canon and the DM can suck my dick about it #but on principle. on principle the fact that he did that. that is so incredibly shitty. you don't see that? #and for what? over an arbitrary price tag that I could afford without even missing it anyway? #over a magic item that's more psychological security blanket than anything particularly overpowered? #over powerplay dick waving over who REALLY gets to control Eldryn now that he's technically been retired as a PC? #what?? what is the reason??? ALL it accomplished was a fucking character assassination of a sweetheart character #which I think we've all privately decided didn't actually happen anyway because it's stupid and terrible and not fair of DM to Just Decide #and my already pretty flimsy trust in my friend as a DM sinking to unforeseen new lows #god. god. #about me #my OCs #elyss

[archergray]

So. Consider this.

We all know that Dream is pretty much touch-starved after sitting in a snow globe since 1916 and I'm definitely on board with this hc, but what if. What if he was touch-starved even earlier, by his own "making"? Like, what if his touch makes people sleepy if he doesn't try to reign it in? Like, you're holding his hand and your eyes are getting heavier and heavier, because he forgot he kind of does that?

Enter Hob Gadling.

Hob Gadling, who's a teacher and therefore he's swimming in tests and essays and other things because nobody in this damn country care about teachers being overworked and underpaid. But it's alright, he doesn't mind, he likes the responsibility and quiet pride that comes with teaching, with helping to shape young minds into something clever, something beautiful, something brilliant. And he really likes the kids he's teaching.

But he has so much paperwork and not enough hours in the day. So, Hob drinks way too much caffeinated beverages and pushes himself to make it done (he can't let his kids down, right?). He sips on a long cold earl grey and pushes himself past the point of tiredness and now, when he finally decided that some sleep might be good, he. can't. fucking. sleep. It doesn't seem like Dream being grumpy, it's his body that's suddenly not tired enough even if his mind is, and his thoughts can't stop racing, so he finds himself turning and turning and only getting more and more frustrated.

Dream finally notices. He enters the bedroom quietly, like a hundred other times and crawls into bed, because he's been tired too. And Hob's arms welcome him, like they always do, tenderly, with endless love. His body already relaxes, maybe from Dream's proximity or him not being as fully in control as he'd like to be. But Hob never cared about waves of drowsiness when they cuddled – there was nothing more pleasant than to take a nap in the arms of his lover.

Neither of them say anything, but when Dream lays a tender kiss on Hob's forehead, he knows, he'd meet him in The Dreaming soon.

#hob gadling #morpheus of the endless #the sandman #the sandman netflix #dream of the endless #dreamling #hob really could use a hug #so does dream #honestly this post is kind of a mess i just had one chaotic thought and went with it #all because i couldn't sleep and bed was getting terribly uncomfortable #headcanon #touch-starved dream #anyway I'm going to do a sensible thing and go to sleep while I'm actually sleepy #because pushing past your body's limitations is not nice at all and I'm doing it a lot because uni sucks #clean your sleep schedules darlings I'm begging you

[gideonisms]

What is your Hogwarts house?

You ask us, a Jake Gyllenhaal blog,

#replies #yeah i don't really engage with hp #read them when i was in my late teens liked them pretty well then didn't really think about it after that until j.k. turned out to suck #kind of tired of hearing about them at this point. my main good memory is one of my friends from a while ago loved draco #and i indulged her by reading a lot of draco/harry fic so we could discuss it together. the things you do for love & friendship #but at this point the author is using her fortune to make trans people's lives worse and it's run its course as a franchise anyway

[penisbilt]

the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now

#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL #really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us #ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great #extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore #the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog #its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow #i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating #i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one #i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it #theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget #anyway. anyway. #our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by #there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!' #we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad #cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now #maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that #im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away #ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free #i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20 #i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her #but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more #maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know #because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before #i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years #i dunno. i dont know #anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process #the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months #the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time #when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move #just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend

[doeeyeddyke]

.

#having a. being queer brown Muslim thoughts. moment. #I stopped using the word butch for myself bc no one will accept it and just carefully use dyke instead bc dyke can be used more generally b #like I get the criticism of the evasion of depicting masculine women/lesbians in media and stuff #like that tweet with some girl in a leather jacket and it's captioned smth about how this is the max butch level ppl can handle etc etc I s #ik what masculine women look like ik what butches look like and ik how the world shies away from it #I'm not a woman i'm nonbinary and I'm not 100% masculine but i definitely identify with masculinity to a certain extent etc if that makes s #but like. idk. my relationship with masculinity is weird and part of it has to do with my difficulty seeing myself in white/American butche #they are so gorgeous and I'm so elated always to see very masculine women and queer ppl etc but just. look. I'm never going to dress or loo #like i don't think I even want to look exactly like all the masculine androgynous butch women lesbians queer ppl etc i've met some things I #but I was perfectly content with saying I was masculine or butch in my burqa except not anymore bc i'm considered particularly feminine for #idk there's lots of thoughts and feelings that I can't all get out it just sucks how I always have to be careful with what I call myself #bc I “can't” be certain things or I run the risk of facing antagonism by virtue of being hijabi and not the american kind of masculine #ppl are weird enough when they think i'm an ally and then I say I'm gay and that's like “oh....” #and any more than that is worse or just outright rejected bc it's not right or I'm using the wrong words bc i'm not looking or doing it rig #idk if any of this is coherent but yea. yea idk. it sucks.

[wild-at-mind]

Don't want to tone police anyone else, but I kind of hope that if anyone sent me a misguided ask trying to 'correct' some terminology I used for my own self-identity, I'd be able to reply in a way that didn't frame myself as superior for being out longer than the asker.

#i've only been out for like 5 mins anyway so i kind of hate that anyway for maybe personal reasons?? #i met a lot of trans people my age this year who also didn't come out during their entire 20s for Reasons #and we all agreed it fucking sucks and feels like wasted time #and i'm well aware people come out much much later than that and the same applies #as a transmasc person i have detected a small amount of 'well how would you know you only just came out like 5 mins ago' #from other transmasc people about my age who have been out way longer #and i understand where they are coming from i guess but i also can't help it #and i hope our community never has to be divided by supposed privilege lines of who came out when and who spent more time as 'cis'... #maybe people are already trying to do this but i hope not because none of that stuff is fixed enough to be an axis of oppression #though it does change our experiences of life of course it's never as simple as 'privileged vs oppressed' on things like this #in particular there's one transmasc person in my local area (there aren't many lol) who i really want to connect with but who has made #implications that they see people like me as trans babies of sorts #like not talking about me but someone else they said of a long-time friend of theirs who just came out as transmasc #'i could have used that support 10 years ago!' #i was just like :/ well they aren't talking about me but is this how people in my community see me?? #anyway i think if we can't have compassion for and acceptance of each other's unique experiences it will stand in the way of intra-communit #connection

[ratgirlcopia]

i think it's cool that copia is so extremely a socially isolated awkward autistic homeschooled girl of a character and is still not, like, made fun of by the narrative and framing of ghost for such things. the "let's laugh at what copia's doing" moments are all the live ones, which are being led by copia for that purpose and for things generally unrelated to those traits.

and then in the chapters, where you see all those other traits in a more prominent light, copia's the one behaving in a way the narrative seems to consider "normal," even if other characters don't agree. and scenes tend to be framed like "look at how weird and unreasonable nihil and imperator are being" (with family dinner being the biggest example of this). it's cool.

#copiaposting #and then of course it sucks ass when you look for Content and a bunch of people are just. making fun of copia for all those things. #like. okie dokie then. i guess. #and i am not a beacon of perfect takes or anything. like especially when i started Posting i was susceptible to this sorta thing. #but i was 1) looking at a lot more fan content and 2) used to stuff that did not have that sort of kindness in the framing of those traits. #and now idk. i try to appreciate what it's actually doing more.

[nexus-nebulae]

i always really like how i can slowly pick up words as i listen to a language more and more. I'm learning japanese by accident

#and I'm noticing more and more when the subtitles don't fully line up #they get the same general idea across but the phrasing is altered for grammar or a similar phrase is used #understanding both the intial language (in some parts) as well as the subtitles kind of gives the whole thing a bit deeper of a meaning #also being able to recognize Very Human Experiences but in other cultures is very nice i like it a lot #also also it's really fun being able to distinctly pick out the occasional english interjected into the other language #like in japanese media some people will say english words or phrases #and sometimes because of the accent it's a little difficult for me to pick it out from the japanese #but I'm getting better at noticing it #i think bc before i partially tuned out the voices so i could read along #but being able to at least slightly understand both means I'm listening more clearly #i know a fair few japanese words now and the subtitles let me know the context a little better #i just really like being Aware that im learning it makes me very happy i love learning things #its so rare for me to notice the gradual improvement in my skills so when i do notice it it makes me really happy #I've got that adhd 'i Sucked before and now suddenly i Don't and i don't remember how i got here' brain

[kiwibirb1]

I never really got sick as a child, or at least never really missed school because I was sick. I would roll my eyes whenever my sister stayed home for what felt like the littlest things to me. Like you have a headache and it hurts a lot? Wow, we all do, get over it. But I'm realizing now that I did get sick. Not a lot, but the normal amount y'know? But I thought that it wasn't that bad, so I didn't tell anyone, and just continued on. If no one else noticed how much pain I was in, then I must not really be in that much pain. And this has kind of stuck with me throughout life? Like take the incident that happened a little over a month ago now. Looking back, I'm pretty sure I was sick to some extent for nearly a continous month, which explains why I had no energy at all during that time. I simply brushed it off as not enough sleep, despite my habits having not changed in months and it only just now affecting me. It all came to an head during this two week stretch. I would be out sick one day, and immediately force myself back the next, despite not actually being better. This continued for a while, until I actually fainted for a second and was forced to take the rest of the week off. I was most definitely sick than, and likely had been for a while, but I just didn't notice and didn't tell anyone because I thought that was normal. To always be in pain. I'm sure having chronic pain hasn't helped with this at all, but I'm also always sore when I shouldn't be. Everything hurts and it's just so fucking hard and I can't bring myself to tell anyone because little baby me ingrained it in myself that it really isn't that bad if no one else mentions it, so it all must be in your head. It hurts so fucking much.

#vent post #sorry. im... im noy doing great right now. this post kind of spiraled as well. #i hate that my body is like this. that i have to be in so much pain all the time. that no one believes im in so much pain. #because i dont act like im in pain. at all. ever #because im used to it. this has been my entire life but its gotten so much worse lately and i keep getting fucking more emotionally mature #and realizing “ph hey thag isnt normal” and it suck so much. its just to much sometimes. #sorry i just #its easier to talk about it here #because this is where i first learned about what chronic pain really is. and thay othed peopls hurt like me too #and... the whole hiding behind a screen thing. #its a lot easier to dissappear online than it is to in real life. #sorry.

[highwaydiamonds]

#journaling #art journaling #i've done couple spreads/pages from these affirmation cards i got last year with a set of stickers & planner thing i purchased #they weren't designed for this but i've used a couple of them that way #i feel like this is a very simplified - not exactly sanitized - but not NOT sanitized either version of how i've felt about things lately #there's been rather a lot of 'the suck" but i a working to try and keep my head up #oh - and because of the shiny surface the rectangle in the top left - is an image of hokusai's the great wave #i am so full of FEELING - i don't know where to put it all. it's like a spill running in too many directions #i don't know how to organize them or say them all without spreading some kind of infection around- triggering/dumping on other people #and maybe i am also simply tired on top of everything else - smh - but i am tryong to sit with these waves #to remind myself that i need to do what i can to mitigate things - that i know what some of these things ARE - even if i don't like them #and that i CAN do them - regardless #and the stuff i cannot change - that i don't have to absorb it all - that i can see it - and name it and admit it sucks and try and let go #and if - let go- isn't quite right then it's more do what i can to keep going anyway - then that's what i need to keep trying to do #i feel like i keep coming back to the mountain goats' lyrics from This Year: #There will be feasting and dancing in jerusalem next year - and i am gonna make it through this year if it kills me #embrace the suck