#anxiety before the holidays

[alltheangstmygifttoyou]

I wonder if ill ever get to the point where I won't stress for weeks about violence happening at family gatherings again? Its been years since the last incident at a gathering... though this year has had violent outbursts from multiple family members towards each other in their own time. A knife was drawn in one instance i was told.

Maybe it'll begin to fade if the physical altercation stories i hear stop. I mean, all those involved are older than me, they really shouldn't be making their body deal with being pushed down stairs over and over again. Or covered in bleach.

Maybe it will never fade. Maybe it's something I will just carry with me for the rest of my life.

Thanksgiving is no longer representative of its original lies taught to me in school, Thanksgiving is a day of sitting with family and giving thanks that we're alive to see another day. That at least this time guns weren't threatened. Screaming matches weren't had. Aggressive spitting on someone wasn't done. Things weren't thrown in an attempt to destroy or hurt. No storming out and slamming the doors. No threats to call the cops. No hitting. No choking.

Progress is Progress, a step forward is still closer to the end than before.

#personal #vent #tw holidays #tw family #tw violence mention #tw family violence #tw gun violence #tw thanksgiving #anxiety before the holidays #life update #but also just life reflection? #we celebrated Thanksgiving real late cause of lots of medical emergencies lmao #but no one was murdered the night before like one year. everyone is alive and awake so its a win #i think i have trauma but im not sure #its not like i saw anything. besides my cousin being absolutely distraught. it was her cousin that got killed #she was there for it. she was violently ill that Thanksgiving. it might have been my other aunts friend who shot him too... #what is trauma anyway? #what is love #baby dont hurt me. dont hurt me... no more... #its 1:30am #you can tell

[icewindandboringhorror]

Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!

#cats #holiday #OUGHH....... barely could even get these edited and posted... my mysterious sickness flare up has been sooo bad the past few #days.. I didn't even go to the usual obligatory family christmas I was supposed to attend (!!! health issue/medical mention in tags below) #My stomach issues basically put me in a constant state of uncontrollable shivering/body shaking + nausea + sometimes rapid heart #rate. and when it happens at night that makes it like.. nearly impossible to sleep when you're violently shaking + you can feel your heart #so strong + you keep having to run to the bathroom every 5 minute to cough and gag #and throw up and so on and so forth. etc. So I went like 40 hours without any sleep almost for christmas eve and all of christmas day #last night I finally got maybe 2 hours of sleep in between the nausea and shaking and stuff. and then today I was able to get a few #hours of sleep in the afternoon. Today I tried taking an anxiety mediciation a doctor gave me in case it was anxiety related (it's apparent #ly used to relax people and works in the moment. rather than like Anxiety Mediciation that you have to take for weeks to see any effect #because I think this isn't actually acting on your brain chemistry it's judt like..a mild sedative or something.) but all that did was make #me dizzy and sweaty lol. I;m glad I slept a little but I'm just still frustrated that I don't feel normal. I started having these #'episodes' (with the stomach issues + shaking + heartrate + nausea etc.) like at the end of october. And usually it will happen for like a #few hours at a time. or i'll lose sleep one day and then be fine the next. but this has been like nearly 3 days of feeling weird. so is #getting kind of annoying... It's funny too because I was so so productive like.. literally the few days before. I was feeling much better #and I was working on my game and blah blah. But then.. random issue flare up out of nowhere of course.. yaayy.... happy holidays to meee lo #I did at least see two random ducks outside of my window in the yard area for christmas. and havent seen them since. So it's like.. hrmm.. #pacing around my room nauseous and shakings and etc. but at least... hello.. two little ducks placed there just for me :3c #Now I get anxiety every night which I'm sure doesn't help/could exacerbate whatever underlying genuinely physical issues exist. But after #like 2 nights of 'I spend the night sleepless and incredibly uncomfortable just sitting in the dark sick' then bedtime is like.. dread... #I even was trying slapping myself in the face in desperation to see if somehow that could shock my body out of whatever the hell it was #doing lol.. up at 3am holding ice cubes in my hand and hitting myself in the head and crying from exhaustion and thowing up.. literally #ridiculous cartoon character feeling... AAANYWAY!!! At least I have baby boy pictures. and I have lots of doctors appointments so hopefully #whatever the issue is can be sorted out at some point. I don't know much about ibs but hopefully maybe something like that that I could pos #ibly take medication for and not something more seirous or anything. Maybe there's a food I'm secretly intolerant to or whatever. #And I did at least post a sims holday video actually timed for the holidays so that's something. I havent been productive really latrely #though obviously.. I can't even play games or small tasks when in that state since I'm just SO physically uncomfortable. Nausea and heart #stuff are THE hardest physical sensations to ignore.. BUT yeah... hoping I shall sleep at all tonight. hopeing to get like 3 productive #things done.. at some point... at least SOMETHING... lol..... *** *** ***

[cancerian-woman]

Fanfic Teasers.

dear little witch.

“Is there somewhere else you have to be?” Bonnie asked, rotating her cocktail in her hand. “At home with your wife and kid possibly? Anywhere that isn’t here.” Klaus was the last person Bonnie expected to see on her travels. “I pictured the Mikaelson’s treat holidays like some festival.”

Klaus roamed his eyes up and down at the witch. Since their paths have crossed it’s hard to watch over her. Bonnie Bennett certainly isn't little anymore. Long gone of those awkward teen years and before him a woman. Height still wasn't her friend but those hips and thighs suited the witch perfectly. The man in him was hoping she leans a bit closer for a better view of her breast.

“Klaus,” Bonnie snapped, waving her hands in front of his face. “I asked you a question. Why are you still here? More specifically next to me?”

“I thought we had rules, Witch.” Klaus replied, turning to compel himself another glass of scotch. “That is what you desire. Unless your feelings changed.”

Bonnie wouldn’t dare admit it. Especially not to Klaus Mikaelson of all people. But, maybe, deep down a familiar person around was making her enjoy the holidays. Even when that person was Klaus Mikaelson.

Blame it on being stuck with Damon for four months and then six months later in complete solitude.

Holidays were for festive people who had love to provide for everyone. Safe homes to return too. Warmth and love in every crevice of that home. Bonnie didn’t have that and that’s part of the reason she wasn’t in Mystic Falls now. No, sense in depressing herself wishing she had something, or someone to bring her some of that joy back in her life.

“No, I just wanted to be clear that if you cause any of these people harm. I don’t care and I won’t stop you from doing it.”

“That isn’t very Bonnie Bennett of you. Where's the little witch that saves the day?” Klaus says, smirking after the fact. “You wouldn’t want this dinning hall ruined.”

Bonnie envied every family and smile in the dining hall. She even envied the pianist singing Christmas Carols. The workers who despite would rather be at home even have smiles on their faces in their Christmas hats. She wouldn’t give Klaus the satisfaction of an answer. If he reacted and attacked anyone she’d kick his ass for ruining these families special night.

“That’s it, I’m leaving and going back to my room.” Bonnie exclaims, shuffling through her purse to place a tip under her glass. “Merry Christmas, asshole.”

Klaus reaches his arm out pulling Bonnie back to her seat. “My family and I had to part ways. So, you aren’t the only one alone on Christmas. I’ve never been too big on holidays seeing as I’ve been-“

“Alive since the birth of Christ?” Bonnie motioned the bartender for another drink. “Another Manhattan please? Thank you.”

Klaus narrowed his eyes at her. “I’ve never been married. I’m not sure who told you that but it wouldn’t have been to Hayley. I rather dagger myself first then to marry my former one night stand.”

“I’m just repeating what I heard from-“

“Tyler, Caroline, or Stefan,” Klaus continued for her. “Who clearly don’t know the story themselves.” He pauses tapping his fingers on the bar. “My daughter died. Her name was Hope if you didn’t know.”

It’s a lie. But, this would probably be the last time he sees little Bonnie Bennett and if it keeps Hope safe then so be it. Most of the supernatural world does think Hope died after the Hollow possessed her it wasn’t a complete lie in his eyes.

Bonnie eyes bulge as she gags on her drink. “I didn’t know.” She wipes her mouth. “No one deserves that not even you. I’m going to call it a night. You probably won’t see me tomorrow but I’m sorry again.”

“What are you running from little witch? Shouldn’t you be back at home?”

#Naur they do not have drunken holiday sex! before someone assumes ☝🏽 #driawrites #it’s late I’m feeling confident enough to share on my blog l #klonnie #dear little witch #bonnie bennett #klaus mikaelson #posting in the middle of the night eases my anxiety lmao

[windwardstar]

been fighting all day (week really) the urge to just like completely declutter my apartment and get rid of things i don't need because i've been feeling like i have too much stuff and general need to pare things down to bare essential anxiety

and now a half hour before bedtime got news that's making all that whatifhousingisn'tstablegottagetridofeverythingtoomuchstuffhavetohaveonlywhaticanmove anxiety ramp up. and like. first i know going on a cleaning spree isn't actually going to be productive especially bc this is entirely just anxiety and would be acting on the anxiety instead of like any actual need to do so, and. also. a half hour before bed is not the time to start this kind of project. at all.

#i managed to use all my dishes and was like wow i have so many dishes i need to get rid of some of them #when like so many dishes is like i have three bowls and four plates #but also really it's the pots n pans bc i bought a full cooking set way back when i first moved in #but i really only use one pot and one pan that aren't even part of the set for like 90% of my cooking #but the other stuff comes in useful sometimes but also i could manage without them which means i don't need them so i can get rid of them #and this is why gift giving holidays cause me a bunch of anxiety bc like stuff and clutter and too much #plus the added pressure to keep the stuff bc it's rude to get rid of and i got yelled at for getting rid of gifts i didn't want growing up #but yeah trying to make my brain stop screaming before bed is uh AAAAAA

[synthwwavve]

ahhhhh okay i've drafted my "lol sorry but i can't work the rest of my notice bc being in there makes me want to die" email.... now I just need to send it.... i know it's what i have to do, i know i literally cannot work one more shift w/o losing my mind, but i haaaaate confrontation and making people dislike me 🫠🫠🫠🫠

#i really feel like a shitbag because my manager is genuinely good and someone i like #and my direct coworkers are people i care about #but then i think about how i could be free of all the daily anxiety and dread and hate starting RIGHT NOW #and how there's nothing really keeping me from doing so except guilt and people pleasing #and i envision putting up with another shitty grueling holiday week FOR A JOB I HATE AND HAVE NO INCENTIVE TO STAY IN BC I'M LEAVING ANYWAY #and i just.... can't do it. sue me but on god i'm ready to just selfishly cut and run and have twelve days off before i start my new job

[comraderaccoon]

Ok, so went to Target a while back, to check out their Christmas stuff. Went down the ornament aisle and found this guy.

Anxiety

#I don't think I've ever seen such an anxious Christmas tree ornament before. #The sad part? I checked his buddies to see if they had a similar fear based expression #Cause I thought to myself “Well maybe they all just look like that.” #NOPE #He was the only one that looked like that. #None of the others had a thousand-yard stare. They just looked clueless and happy. #I can only assume Mr. Bear has seen some shit. Absolutely horrid shit. #I was sooo tempted to adopt him. Hope he found a good home. He looks like he needs one. #Honestly tho he's kinda relatable we've all felt like this around the holidays (at least once). #Christmas Tree #Winter #polar bear #Anxiety #Christmas #ornament #winter time #Bear #winter wonderland #xmas #funny #Everyone put in their theories as to what traumatized Mr. Bear. #My post #cute

[emilianadarling]

#i go back to work tomorrow #a thing happened before i left for holidays mid-december that's had me dreading it my whole time off #it was a wonderful holiday and while we were traveling i didn't think of it during the day and the anxiety only came out in dreams #but yesterday and today it's become pretty unbearable #i wish i wouldn't give mental space to someone who likely hasn't had me cross their mind since crushing me under their boot heel but #i'm just not built that way #it likely does not help that last night i was ill and threw up my anxiety medication #:/ #it's fine I'm just. #hoping that the dreading of it is the worst part #personal #emiliana posts personal things

[amochi]

A fucking break would fix me I need a fucking break

#like seriously #I know I just had a week off for the holidays #but the first half of that week I spent just trying to catch up on sleep #and trying to relax from my anxiety and stress over experiencing everything I went through the past few months #so by the time I was actually comfortable and content I only had like a few days left before I went back to work #I hate this system #thoughts

[plushie-lovey]

Crying so hard I want the pumpkin kitty from BAB but I'm too chicken to go into my local store to see if they have it (having to go thru the heart ceremony specifically is what's making me anxious cause I've never actually gone thru the whole BAB experience before. And I don't wanna have to do goofy things in public by myself). I'm also struggling to justify spending $40 on a plushie this week

#this upcoming Friday is my birthday tho #but I have a bill due that's also coincidentally $40 #I supposed I could treat myself anyways. but still anxiety Dx #but what if I wait and they don't have it by Friday? like say they have it rn but they sell out by the 15th? #also I think I've mentioned it before but Im afraid people will think Im a hypocrite if I buy a BAB from a store #cause I said I was against supporting the company first hand and only buy second hand #but I know there's no way I could ever afford a pumpkin kitty second hand. scalpers are assuring that #so Im anxious about going to buy obe because of judgement. will people get mad at me #I don't plan on buying from BAB first hand often. hopefully this would be the only time (unless they bring back teal frog) #do you guys care? would you be ok with me getting a pumpkin kitty?? #Halloween is my favorite holiday I need her in my life #I cry #what should I do #viti shoosh

[kitkatcadillac]

i am flying on tuesday........

#💐 for reasons. #my brains going nuts about it though jfjf my life feels strange in a way it hasnt felt before #i wont be back til january so if im Very Very Quiet its why #it feels like a strangely turbulent holiday season this year. like all around #not just me but everyone fjdj #anyway. anxieties about all the rest of my life aside... im looking forward to and feeling nice about my trip #pray i wont freeze LMAO #skelly speaks

[caffeinated-bibliophile]

I'm still crying 😠

#this is the kind of blow that would have made me actively suicidal a few years ago and yes i realize how stupid that is #as things are now... I'm not coping *well* but I'm managing to hold onto anger so the depression doesn't totally take over #but i can not stop crying #every time i think I'm finally done it starts up again #this has also pushed my anxiety to the point where i feel like I'm going to pass out throw up or both and i can't stop shaking #audiobooks with my noise canceling headphones were my best/only semi-effective tool for dealing with anxiety #and yes i know. reading is a privilege and i should just be grateful that books are available in my country & that we have libraries at all #this year has been one thing after another and even small things like this pile up and eventually become overwhelming #and this happening as my seasonal depression is really ramping up was just the fucking cherry on top i guess #i almost just. deleted this blog lmao. what's the point of having a book blog when i can't really read right? #but i keep telling myself nothing lasts forever and i will regret it if i throw away an 8 year old side blog #but even looking at books is making me feel even more nauseous and shaky right now #so i might be on hiatus after my queue runs out idk #depends on how long this churning pit of despair lasts i guess #and also. this happened at a holiday weekend all i can't even make a 1-2 hour drive to a library to renew or get a new card #because libraries around here close between 4 & 6PM most days and i can't get to one after my partner gets home from work before they close #everything about this situation is like. worst timing.

[neonbitemarks]

brain got that squirelly could-be-a-panic-attack-in-the-making feel that only 3 different 10hr rain asmr videos layered up with the same song on loop can fix

#I cleaned my entire kitchen and did laundry all before 10am #wtf #holiday anxiety has officially kicked in #please feel free to distract the fuck out of me

[averagemrfox]

This is only my second year during the holidays while working an Office Job™️ instead of retail and I’m still struck by how much easier it is to enjoy the “holiday spirit” when you don’t have to deal with all the bs that comes with working in retail during this time of year.

#I don’t think it had quite hit me last year #I still had holiday anxiety from 6 years in retail and 6 years in food service (bakery) before my current job #anyway be nice to folks in retail always but especially right now #rachel's ramblings

[bisidneycarter]

its so crazy how i refUSE to go on a holiday but would come to an agreement over something of one if we went to the costswolds for it

but for some reason we just arent going to the cotswolds? ?

#i mean i’d only want it to be one night before i come back (cat anxiety i know theyd hate someone else feeding them) but like?! #complain i wont go on holidays but no one goes where i want to go so what do u expect lol #the train ride from my home to get to moreton in marsh is longgg and expensive but i am SO CLOSE to doing it im in physical pain #i need to find an overnight place even tho i hate those so much its crazy like i wont want to sleep there unfamiliar beds make me so uncomfy #but for father brown… #i need to so badly

[babypetri]

I miss sending funny videos to my friends

#you may think petri whats stopping you #not anxiety for once #because i dont get the same effort from them #i feel like they dont care #im not their part of life anymore #while yes i did go silence for weeks but that was because i was overwhelmed and socializing was too much #i barely talked with my family and i forces myself for it i didnt want to worry them #i had trouble sleeping a brain that wont shut up i cried at nights i feel terrible #i told them i had hard time socializing send messages was too much i stop going on the internet even #but i got kinda get better i guess and everything back to normal then oneday they no longer talked #i wished them birtday they say thanks #i wish happy whatever holiday pr special day it is #but they dont text unless i texted first #while i understand all of us are busy but how much time its gonna take for someone to wish their friend happy birthday #just a simple message would be enough #but none came #i put reminders that starting ro remind me their birthday days before just so i can at least wish them happy birthday #wanting a simple “happy birthday petri” message is too much i guess #twice they do the same and im no longer talking yo them #well except the one friend i made at university we talking time to time #and she wishes me happy birthday even if late because her own life is kinda too much going on #she was so sorry that she missed my birthday but that was fine i got one friend that remembers #i would send her but she dont get to same jokes as my older friends #also last time we had english she was not okay with it? #oh great im getting sad again at night again

[nothing-particularly-exciting]

it’s been nearly three months since i last spoke to my friend and i have. finally messaged her again.

#they said ‘do it alone and do it scared’ so that’s what i’m doing 🤞🤞🤞 #i kept remembering and forgetting to respond because school was kicking my ass nonstop before the holidays jdghfjkfddjk #hopefully she DOESN’T hate my guts now and that’s just the anxiety talking #roisin chats