#anyway here's to a better and hopefully easier 2022

[hshtag]

👾 ───── *ೃ  ‍୨ EVERYTHING CANON IN THE HASHTAG MINIVERSE: A DETAILED EXPLANATION OF ALL THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW.

Plotlines, plotlines and even more plotlines! At first I thought a combined piece of all the writing pieces that focused or circled around these plots would be a good idea, but then I realized, It’d be better to have them layed out like this so it’s easier to understand!

CLEM X YUAN: THE PROBLEMS THAT COME WITH DATING YOUR BEST FRIEND’S BROTHER.

A little backstory is needed on this one. So, I used to have a piece up about Yuan (@stariified) and Liling’s complicated relationship but I removed it because I didn’t think it was that necessary. It briefly detailed a situation that confirmed Liling’s hatred for Yuan completely.

Liling used to be bullied relentlessly whilst in school, when on the other hand, Yuan was absolutely loved by everyone. He was never really a very brotherly figure to her and often ignored or pretended like she didn’t exist when they were near each other. To wrap up the piece quickly, Liling ended up in the hospital due to some…reasons, and a bigger grudge on Yuan than she did before.

Fast forward a couple of years, they’re past debut and Clem has replaced Yoora as Liling’s so called ‘best-friend’ (I’ll get into that later) and now they’re closer than ever before. But instead of following the ‘siblings are COMPLETELY off limits’ rule (I mean, you would think so after seeing how that trope ends) Clem took it upon herself to get drunk (She was actually pretty sober) and hook up with Yuan after a party at the Comet House (Will be explained at a later date, just know Melody Media owns the place)

Liling ended up finding out through Yoora (Jealous + snitch alert if you ask me) and she confronted Clem which basically was just Liling being super pissed and Clem being super unbothered. Liling eventually got over it but she still absolutely despises Yuan and Clem absolutely loves Yuan! We don’t know if Yuan really likes her like that yet. Great Dynamic!

LILING X KIJUNG X ELIAS X DAWN + JISEOK: OKAY WAIT, WHAT’S GOING ON HERE AND WHY ARE THERE SO MANY NAMES?

Once again, a backstory is most definitely needed and is very important to understanding this plot, it gets really complicated. First, let’s address the people involved. Liling is obviously a member of hashtag, we know her (hopefully?). Kijung and Jiseok (an honorable mention in the story) are apart of a group called Everlast under Melody Media. Cody’s in the same group as them if anyone remembers him, so that might ring some bells.

Anyways, I was planning to make a blog for them so that’s coming soon! Back to the point, Kijung and Jiseok are members of the same group they know eachother blah blah blah. Liling & Jiseok are like two peas in a pod, great friends, whatever you wanna call it but Kijung and Liling have a lot of history. They used to date, let’s say from 2022 - the middle of 2023, after that the relationship ended they’re still friends but there’s some tension. Moving on! We have Elias…he’s meant to be Liling’s manager for when she has solo projects and schedules but then they ended up ‘falling in love’ and started ‘dating’ in October of 2023.

I say ‘dating’ because they weren’t really, that’s just what Liling liked to call it. Two months later they end up breaking up (???) because he cheated on her with one of Melody Media’s creative directors, Dawn Wolfe. I love Dawn so much but she was not cool for that. Obviously, Liling still loves Elias very much, peer pressure (Clem) just told her that she should break up with him otherwise she would look stupid (she would). In the piece i wrote for this, both Kijung and Elias were about to throw themselves onto a road for her (not literally) and Elias ends up meeting up with Liling whilst he’s drunk and Liling finally decides to think for herself. She just tells him to stay away from her and their story ends there.

I think this is the most important plot because it’s basically the reason why Liling is on a hiatus, i’m sure you’ve seen the articles (hopefully??) and she isn’t really acting like she’s on a hiatus but she formally is. Hashtag will probably have a full album before she’s back so let’s say the hiatus will probably last a couple more months.

MINSEO AND HER TWITCH SCANDAL: IVE TRIED SO MANY TIMES TO EXPLAIN THIS, SO HERE WE GO!

I’ve had so many variations of this plot that I don’t even know what to say (Lies, I do). Firstly, it was going to be Minseo’s plot, then it was Yewon’s (she’s not important anymore) and now it’s back to being Minseo’s. It’ll stay that way, her being a twitch streamer has always belonged to her (runs through her veins!) Anyways, Minseo used to run an account called SEOTALK (there’s also been many variations of the account name, but this one makes the most sense) and it actually ended up doing really well, better than what Minseo was expecting. She’d always wanted to be ‘famous’ she just didn’t want her face to be the main focus point.

So, she used a mask and wore these thick glasses every time she streamed to somewhat hide her identity (she did not do a very good job. at all) and nobody questioned a thing. Sometimes, Minseo would just talk to her screen for a few hours but her most popular streams where the ones where she would play horror games. People just seemed to love her reactions and commentary so much that I think it got to her head. Minseo took this opportunity to incorporate other things into her stream, and that is where the downfall of SEOTALK began. Soon enough, she began to talk about idol groups and answer controversial questions about them, and oh was it bad.

She had no filter (okay blunt queen) and would just run her mouth for hours and hours until she felt like she couldn’t open her mouth anymore. At the time, there were mixed opinions. Some people thought that her comments weren’t necessary and others found it extremely funny or extremely insensitive, inappropriate and offensive. Minseo ended up abandoning the account for a little while and then she debuted, so the account and its streams had to be deleted but obviously, people had recorded them and some were still uploaded to youtube by other accounts. A few months after Hashtag’s debut an article about who SEOTALK was came out and it revealed to the public that it was of course, Hashtag’s Minseo.

This was Hashtags biggest scandal at the time and almost sent them into ruins (ALMOST). I was going to make this plot part of a youtube series that detailed all the scandals Melody Media had kept hidden, but that wouldn’t make much sense, you know? Minseo had to issue a formal apology and everyone eventually got over it after the initial shock. It’s an inside joke in the fandom now, but Minseo now refuses to acknowledge it.

CLEM AND YOORA HATE EACHOTHER, WELL JUST YOORA ACTUALLY, HERES WHY.

There actually is no reason, no major event that caused them to argue, Yoora just genuinely does not like Clem. She hasn’t liked her since 2018 but she was able to put it aside and work with her without any passive aggressiveness shining through her cute little facade. That was until Clem slowly started to seep her way into Liling’s life like an annoying little fly (Yoora’s words, not mine) to the point where Clem ended up replacing Yoora’s best friend spot which quite literally, ticked her off.

Now, Yoora makes it her life’s goal to piss Clem off at any possible time she can. Shoving her, tripping her up, making sure her food is burnt, like kid stuff. Because she’s a child. Anyways, Clem doesn’t feel the same way, she just does not care about a lot of things in life so why should she care about Yoora, of all people? Clem just simply finds it funny so their beef is practically one-sided. Liling has no comment she’s just really enjoying being the center of attention!

YOORA X HANJAE. OH AND WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON WITH YOORA?

There are already a lot of posts that explain the YooJae (Yoora and Hanjae + find him @/intoloopin) dynamic/situation, there’s not really much needed here, so i’ll link them here, here and here if you haven’t already seen them. I’m re-explaining in more simpler terms if you don’t understand. All you need to know is that their relationship started off as a fake one, a beneficial stunt for two best friends if you will, and it was quite successful for the pair. Then the rumors started to circulate and a twitter account exposed their fake relationship with a thread. Responses were interesting, to say the least but that wasn’t their main goal, so not much attention was directed towards pleasing the public. One thing lead to another, a lot of silence and tears (On Yoora’s behalf), and they began to actually date (FOR REAL. LIKE FOR REAL).

Now that their dating is basically publicized, like it was lowkey obvious they did not do a good job of hiding it, Yoora is literally not allowed to hang out with anyone anymore else. The media already thinks she ‘needs help’ so people are like “okay why do you have friends if you have a boyfriend” (THEIR WORDS not mine.) so she’s been in hiding for a very long time. Now for the more recent Yoora news, she posted some stuff on her private instagram (post is here) that was very…ominous. It has a lot to do with something i’ll explain later (in the ‘yoora’s kicked out of the group??’ section) but just know she’s like super close to taking a break (hashtag disbandment when?? joking!) and will most likely end up with no lines in their next comeback (HER CHOICE!)

ANNIE AND HER SIBLING DYNAMIC + HER CRAZY FAMILY DRAMA

So, Annie has 3 other siblings: Melanie, Milo and Melodie (I am not creative with names) and Milo is her twin brother, surprise! Now, all their names start with m’s on purpose, no, it’s not because I was lazy. It shows how the other 3 siblings are much more connected and how Annie is always left out, even when mentioning names. Also points to the fact that her parents did not care for her as much as they did for her other siblings and couldn’t be bothered to come up with a name even a little related. (okay maybe her name is a little related since her sister’s names end in ‘ie’ as well. ignore that.) But Milo hates Annie.

He hates his whole family but finds a special place in his heart to care for Melanie and Melodie but when it comes to Annie it’s just pure hatred (I have a very common pattern of siblings hating each other. no family can exist happily here) and he couldn’t stand the sight of her. There have been some times where Milo has taken upon himself to care for Annie, but other than that, it is not all sunshine’s and rainbows out here. When I was writing, I thought that I could have this moment where they finally understood each other and that did happen but it was a little slow and not how i imagined it. So, I think it’s better for them to understand each other but not be super close, they’ll get to that point later. Favoritism is definitely apparent in Annie’s family and she is not a favorite.

YUNHEE AND REIKO ARE THE ONLY SANE ONES HERE, THEY KEEP TO THEMSELVES. MOSTLY.

I think not! I just haven’t developed them as much as I have developed everyone else, and that’s totally fine! Not everyone in the group needs to have something going on, but I’ll probably find some way to sneak them in and allow them to have bigger roles in the cupidverse. (yes, that’s what i’m calling it. stay tuned something BIG is coming. not really, i’m just making a company blog…) Yunhee is already involved in the ‘Myungjae & Minseo’ plot as a protagonist. She needs to stop them from getting what they deserve! (love) Reiko is just an angel, truly, I love her but there’s not much she can do for me as of now. When I figure something out for these two, just know it’ll be absolutely diabolical.

KANG MINAH. UHM WHOS THAT? NEVER HEARD OF HER? WELL YOU’RE ABOUT TO!

Originally, Minah was going to be a Yunjin fc (kep1er) but I thought she would be a better fit for Annie so I need a faceclaim for her later, not important right now! She was basically a pre-debut member that trained with Hashtag, expecting to debut with them. Clearly, she didn’t, but she might pop up somewhere else in the cupidverse (maybe…) Minah was actually a very known trainee under Melody Media, but not for good reasons. She was (affectionately) nicknamed ‘Baby faced Bitch’ because she had a baby face and was not very nice to anyone, to put it lightly. Liling looked up to her a lot and Minah was usually her sweetest when with Liling.

There would be the occasional break down where she would snap at Liling but other than that, she was pretty good to her. The rest of Hashtag hated her, especially Reiko. Reiko is the peacemaker of the group, that’s what she likes to call herself, and she’s generally level-headed. So when a generally not level-headed person comes along, it’s obvious they’ll struggle to be friends. And they did struggle. The only person defending Minah was Liling and it tore the group apart, before they could even debut. Melody Media took it upon themselves to remove her from the pre-debut group (they’ve never done such a thing, surprising) and the group went on without her. Minah’s a favorite so she’s definitely coming back, just not with Hashtag.

OK WAIT, THERES MORE. YOORA WAS ABOUT TO BE KICKED OUT OF THE GROUP?

I didn’t develop this plot too much but it is still very much canon. The piece on this plot explains a lot but the basics are that Insu (Melody Media Executive) and Liling are eating lunch together (he decided to break the news over some burgers??) because Insu and Yoora have been entangled in some sort of scandal (I didn’t really elaborate as to what kind) which has lead Misook (Melody Media Ceo) to consider removing Yoora from the group to minimize the backlash. Liling tries to argue for her and she thinks it’s unfair since their manager, Nari has been sleeping with practically the whole company (like literally, and it’s not good. i don’t get the appeal) but she hasn’t lost her job.

Obviously, Insu is stunned by this and says nothing (he’s not very bright) so Liling talks some more and they agree on a statement being released which clears Yoora of all rumors and she gets to stay, yay! This affects Yoora’s mental health though, which caused her to spiral, like I mentioned earlier. She has a tough time dealing with a lot of her emotions and just blurts everything out into an instagram post leaving all her close friends confused. As of now, Yoora’s much happier than she was last year but she’s still unsure about her place in Hashtag.

MINSEO X MYUNGJAE: SHY BOY X REALLY ANNOYING AND WEIRD LOUD GIRL!

Everlast mention! (AGAIN! i love those guys) Myungjae (Reese) and Minseo are a whole thing, I don’t know what type of thing but they are definitely a thing. I was going to pair Yunhee and Myungjae together but they’re just mc partners for Inkigayo (I was gonna make this whole post for them but I was like no, not important enough). Minseo is very jealous of Yunhee, and the fact that Yunhee is better than her in all aspects doesn’t help. She thinks Myungjae might end up with Yunhee and I think so too (joking!).

There’s a piece that explains their relationship pretty well (here) and it’s the only piece I have up (more coming soon, i swear) because it’s the only piece i’ve written that is completely accurate to the plot and isn’t all jumbled up everywhere. He’s whipped for her, she’s whipped for him boring stuff (joke, again!) but there’s not much going on with them right now, they will be expanded on in the future and i have some…great and definitely not life altering things planned for them!

#👾 ˖ ࣪ 𓂃 tag us ! “ development. “ #ficnetfairy #fictional idol community #fictional idol oc #fictional kpop idol #fictional idol group #fake kpop addition #fake kpop gg #fake kpop group #fake kpop member #fake kpop company #fake kpop girl group #fake kpop idol #fake kpop oc #fictional kpop company #fictional kpop group #bts addition #fake kpop band

[theageoftheunderstatement]

Newsweek Magazine: Arctic Monkeys Change Direction Yet Again on 'The Car'

Written by David Chiu, 24/10/2022

When Arctic Monkeys released their sixth studio album, Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino, in 2018, it was viewed as a dramatic left turn for the British band primarily known for their guitar-charged indie rock and the distinct lyrics of frontman Alex Turner. For that record, the British quartet incorporated ornate psychedelic and lounge-pop influences that leaned toward Burt Bacharach and the Beach Boys, with the piano becoming more prominent than the guitar. Yet, those noticeable shifts didn't appear to alienate the band's diehard fans when Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino became the band's sixth consecutive number one album in the U.K.

After that stylistic detour, fans might have expected Arctic Monkeys—Turner, drummer Matt Helders, bassist Nick O'Malley and guitarist Jamie Cook—to return to the earlier brash rock for their next album. But the band from Sheffield remains determined to evolve and defy expectations, as indicated by The Car, released October 21 via Domino Records. It's a continuation of the trippy and elegant after-hours vibe mined on Tranquility Base, although the music—featuring strings and horns this time—sounds more loose, atmospheric and expansive.

"I think there's this idea of when starting a new record [is the] 'we're-not-gonna-make-it-anything-like-the-last-one,'" the pensive Turner tells Newsweek. "But what I realize more often than not is they all seem to bleed into each other. It's only now when I've got this one under the microscope, I realized how much of that is true. I was probably trying to get away from things we've done on that last record. But I think there's still some of that kind of hanging over here into [The Car], but hopefully not to the extent where it isn't also reaching some new places that we haven't been before as well."

A listen to The Car (produced by longtime collaborator James Ford) immediately draws comparisons to the music of such artists as David Bowie (somewhere between his Young Americans and Station to Station albums), Serge Gainsbourg, Nick Cave and Scott Walker as well as '70s R&B and glam—and yet it still sounds like Arctic Monkeys. "I find it a bit more difficult than I have in the past to draw a line between records of other artists and this thing," Turner says. "I could probably pencil in a few. Perhaps the things I've sort of absorbed for a relatively long period of time now just influenced the process but in a more subtle way than having a discussion saying, 'Let's try and do a song like this' or something. It feels a little more unspoken now. Perhaps I'm just still too close to it in the moment."

Unlike Tranquility Base, whose theme centered on a futuristic hotel on the moon, The Car doesn't primarily focus on a particular subject running through the songs' enigmatic lyrics. "I think there is a theme or feel that runs through this whole record, but I don't think it's exclusive to the words," Turner explains. "It's almost easier to latch on to a theme if I take the words out of it for a minute and focus on what the feel of everything else is doing. I think that the lyrics are sometimes subscribing to that feel. And if there is a theme that runs through it, it's more along those lines than it is about XYZ, if that makes any sense at all."

"The first thing I wrote through it was this instrumental section at the beginning of the album," he continues. "Everything that came after that was written after that. It felt like it has a relationship with what was being evoked in that instrumental section. I wouldn't be leaning into the idea of it's just another 10 songs that aren't connected in any way. But at the same time, I don't think I can pin down a theme, not in a succinct sentence anyway."

The first single released off The Car, "There'd Better Be a Mirrorball," carries an air of melancholy amid the gorgeous strings and prominent piano lines, as Turner sings wistfully: "So if you want to walk me to the car you ought to know I have a heavy heart, so can we please be absolutely sure that there's a mirror ball."

"Obviously, you're describing the lead-up to some sort of goodbye line," Turner says, "and suddenly a mirrorball drops into the middle of that situation, which somehow doesn't seem totally incongruous in my mind. Perhaps on some level, the mirrorball is kind of synonymous with the closing of the show or something like that. But I think what I was imagining is carrying someone's suitcase to the car and then the lighting suddenly changes and the mirrorball drops in the middle of that situation. It's like, 'What's going on there?'I think it does feel like there are a few goodbyes here and there."

Introduced by beautiful acoustic guitar picking, the lyrical setting of "Mr. Schwartz" seems to take place at a movie shoot, which seems appropriate given the cinematic feeling of the song and the album. "There is a feeling of that behind-the-scenes of the production," Turner says. "That idea is not exclusive to or contained within just that song....It feels like there is something going on in the background of all these songs, like sort of a production: There's someone with a clipboard somewhere and somebody's up a ladder not too far from where these things are going on. The character of Mr. Schwartz was something that kind of did present itself to me in very real life, but sort of has been allowed to become a character in a song, I suppose."

The sweeping "Body Paint," the latest single, may be the most brash song of the collection. There are moments of electric guitar bursting through the lush orchestrations, while Turner's vocalizing echoes Bowie's '70s soul boy phase. It opens with a line Steely Dan or Prefab Sprout could have written: "For a master of deception and subterfuge you've made yourself quite the bed to lie in." Explains Turner: "It definitely does get pretty sparkly in the guitar toward the end of that. It's loud...more than I had expected it from the sketches of that song that we had before. I had it down for something that was gentle at the beginning. But during the session, there was something that was more lively that wanted to come out there at the end. I think that songs always continue to reveal themselves even sometimes after they've been recorded. We played the version of that on stage for the first time the other day, and it definitely seemed like it's still got somewhere to go. It's becoming a more exaggerated version of itself."

The Car marks another maturation and evolution in Arctic Monkeys' sound. Its release falls on the 20th anniversary of the band's formation. The hype surrounding Arctic Monkeys' arrival in the post-Britpop era has since become the stuff of legend: their early recordings were burned on CDs and given away at their shows, which prompted fans to upload them online. After signing with indie label Domino, Arctic Monkeys released 2006's Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not, which hit number one in the U.K. and became that country's biggest-selling debut. Since then, it has been hit albums, touring and festival appearances for the band. On his end, Turner has been engaged with a side project, the Last Shadow Puppets, whose elaborate sounds may have been a prelude to the music of Tranquility Base and The Car.

"It was the summer of 2002 when we first got all the way through the same song at the same time together," he recalls. "We still are friends like we were before it started, and still trusting each other and our instincts in the same way. " The fact that Arctic Monkeys never made the same album twice most likely contributed to their longevity and friendship. It's been a progression that was more natural than calculated.

"When I cast my mind back to 20 years ago," says Turner, "there's always been something inherently uncooperative. I don't know if that somehow has translated to each time we've been faced with the task of making something new. There's something about not wanting to kind of cooperate with our perception of what we think that should be. I suppose you can arrive at the idea that if one record was successful, the next one should try and emulate or bark up the same tree as that one was. We're not having the board meeting where we're kind of discussing that out loud to that extent. The whole thing in the first place was done on a hunch, on an instinct, and I think that's something we're just still paying attention to, that same instinct all the way along. That's the through line."

Arctic Monkeys will be touring the U.K., Ireland, North America and South America the rest of this year and into 2023. Having branched out on their last two records, it wouldn't be surprising if their next record tackled another genre, perhaps hip-hop or ambient music. Turner says. "Yeah, why not? I'd have to give it some more thought. When I think about my perception of the way people make dance music, I am interested in that approach to it. I'm not saying that it's something I want to do, but I'm interested in watching somebody do it or something for an afternoon."

#interview #arctic monkeys #alex turner #the car era #newsweek magazine 2022 #it's an interview in october but i think it wasn't posted here? #i love how he described there'd better be a mirrorball and mr. schwartz here

[crusherthedoctor]

After what feels like a century, Sonic Stellar is truly, honestly, sincerely, nearly ready for action. My chronic double checking and second guessing will finally be at an end. Viridonia will flourish once more. Eggman will go full Eggman once more. Sonic will deal with his crippling equine addiction once more.

But since Tumblr’s Sonic community is going to remain in the midst of extremely vocal Frontiers hype/drama for a while, and since we’re approaching the end of 2022 anyway, I’ve decided that I’m going to hold off on uploading Stellar and save it for 2023. 2023 will mark my 20th anniversary of being a Sonic fan, ever since I got my copy of Sonic Advance 2 in 2003, so I felt it would be a nice way to commemorate the personal milestone... and hopefully the Frontiers train will have slightly slowed its wheels by that point.

However, in the meantime, I’m considering taking my biggest break from here yet. I don’t want to be known as the guy who does nothing but rant about Frontiers and IDW, with nothing else to offer, but I can’t pretend my feelings on them don’t exist, and ignoring them is easier said than done since Frontiers is the hot new game and both of them are influencing the franchise presently. And more to the point, I’m not getting a lot of opportunities to talk about other stuff without it coming back around to those. Not only that, but the other posts I’ve been working on lately, like the Eggman portrayal comparison masterpost, and a spiritual sequel to my post about Sonic aesthetics, have unsurprisingly been bringing Frontiers at the forefront of my mind as well. (By this point I’m well aware that Eggman might be more in-character in the Japanese script, which I’m grateful for and willing to give kudos if true. But it doesn’t change the rest of my issues with the game and story, of which there are many.)

Long story short, Frontiers has been making me feel shitty and alienated from the rest of the fandom as well as making me question my own understanding of basically everything about the franchise and the characters, it’s obvious that all I’m doing is pissing everyone off throughout this, and anything I’ve said or could say is redundant since others like @egg-emperor have said it better and will likely continue to say it better. So it’s probably best for me to just get away from it all for my own sake. Well, as much as I can anyway, since YouTube’s already shoving its glowing reviews and “omg feels” down my throat.

So yeah, that’s the situation. Sorry for the melodrama, but I figured I should give a heads-up to whoever it may concern. I’ll still be available to PM, and maybe I’ll reblog other stuff now and then, but... I need a serious break from the fandom.

#Shit Crusher Says

[lananiscorner]

Fanfic, Darksiders Week and streaming - my goals for 2023

Hello everyone!

2022 has been a strange year for me, but it is almost over. I would like to apologize to everyone who had been waiting for Darksiders Week 2022--every time I started preparations, something came up in RL and it never got anywhere. I also wrote very little this year and I would like to apologize to anyone who has been waiting for updates to my published WIPs.

With that said, here is the plan for 2023:

Darksiders Week 2023 This will likely happen sometime during July/August. I am hoping to expand it to Reddit and Discord this year, and possibly Twitter if it’s still around by that point. More info will follow @ darksiders-week.

Fanfic updates I am currently working on a mostly wholesome Rhea & Flayn centric post-AM multi chapter fic that I had been mulling over for a while. I am aiming to publish the first one or two chapters on January 11th (Rhea’s birthday). After that, I will return to Conversations of a Lion Prince and my two as of yet unpublished Silver Snow and Crimson Flower one-shots. I am also aiming to publish chapter 4 of Rider of the White Horse in time for Darksiders Week (and chapter 5 if I can manage).

I will stream again! Some of you may already have seen me stream Batman and Darksiders at Twitch under the name LananiTwitch. I will be streaming under the same name again, this time with camera and a much better setup, likely every Saturday and Sunday around 7 PM Central European (Summer) Time, hopefully starting sometime in late January. I will start with a 100% Azure Moon playthrough of FE3H, and after that, I’ll let a random number picker decide which of the 200+ games I own will be next. And yes, Darksiders and Batman: Arkham are on that list. :)

I will have my own Discord! This will happen around the same time I start streaming again, and will mainly be so we can chat about the games I streamed, and what happened during the streams. Of course you are still welcome to contact me via DM or ask here, but I find Discord easier for discussions and I have an account there anyway, so I want to offer it as another avenue of communication.

Personal updates I will likely move to another country (again) sometime around April or May. Also, now that Covid is somewhat under control and the tourism industry had a year to recover a bit, I will hopefully have an actual two week vacation again, so likely there will be a total of 4-5 weeks in 2023 when I will only be online very sporadically and also not streaming. I will give a heads-up, of course. I am also planning to get a foster cat once I’ve moved, followed by two forever kitties. :)

#personal #2023 goals and updates #my WIPs #Darksiders Week #streaming

[pa-stella]

Ok. I’m still recovering from BAT’s awesomeness in the no ticket live show and I can’t bring myself to write down what I had in mind for Day 3 of Hitoya Amaguni’s Week 2022 since it was full of sad emotions. I will try to write it before his birthday, but in the meantime… I don’t like the ending that much, to be honest.

The previous entries can be found here!

Day 4 - Nya Ni Nyu Nye Nyon

Hitoya had just left his bike in the private parking of his condo, when he noticed a big cardboard box near the entrance. It was pouring and he just wanted to go back home, have a shower and start his well deserved summer vacation in peace; however a weird sound coming from the carton made him stop on his tracks. Maybe he had just misheard that, but it was better just to check it out.

There were two things he hated. The first was people leaving random junk in front of his apartment complex.

He opened the box with extreme caution and he was met with the sight of five small fluffy kittens.

The second was assholes abandoning pet animals in need.

Hitoya sighed. He knew he would probably regret it in the future, but he took the box anyway (making the small felines cry a little) and went up to his apartment. The first thing he did after settling the box in his living room was take a picture of the kittens and send it to the groupchat of Bad Ass Temple. Hopefully Kuko and Jyushi would be able to help find them a proper home while he’d search for the bastard that had abandoned those creatures. 

Jyushi was the first to reply with a few messages full of those strange kaomojis he liked to use. He compared the kittens to Sanrio characters and ended up complaining about how he wouldn’t be able to adopt even one since his roommates were both allergic.

Maybe Kuko-san can keep them at the temple?, the visual kei singer suggested (adding ⊹⋛⋋( ●´⌓`●)⋌⋚⊹, whatever it might mean).

Hitoya let out another sigh and sunk a little into the leather sofa. He closed his eyes. What a way to start his holidays. The kittens were still meowing, but they had calmed down as soon as they realized they were not under the rain anymore. They became a little noisier when Hitoya’s phone rang.

“Shitty lawyer.” Kuko was on the other end of the call.

“Don’t call me that.” Hitoya scolded him and reached out to pet one of the little cats. It was the only one with dark fur in the group.

“My old man prohibited me from bringing more cats to the temple.” Straight to the point. Typical of Kuko. “But they are still young cats. It’ll be easier to find them a new home.”

“I don’t have the time to…”

“Leave it to me. I think a lot of families that come to the temple would be happy to have a small kitten in their life.” He chuckled. “Try not to get too attached to them in the meantime!”

The call ended and Hitoya snorted. As if that could be a possibility!

That same evening, Jyushi had come to help him. Knowing that Hitoya didn’t probably have milk at home, he had brought plenty with other useful products. He occupied himself with the task of washing the kittens and gave the lawyer time to ask the neighbors if they had seen anyone suspicious that day. Nobody saw anything. Hitoya made a formal request to check the security cameras footage but he knew that would have to wait a few days.

A week passed; then another; then a month. Hitoya got used to the little guests in his apartment faster than expected. They were… good cats. Small, needy but also quiet. Except for a single unfortunate accident with Kyon (also nicknamed Kuko 2.0) and the leather sofa, they all started to use the many scratching posts Hitoya had bought.  After the first week they chose to sleep in the lawyer’s bed instead of their designated spots. It was scary to wake up with five pairs of eyes watching him, but Hitoya had to admit it was forgettable compared to the nice feeling he got whenever the cats welcomed him back home every evening.

Kuko had found many families that were interested in adopting them, but every time Hitoya had found many excuses to delay the relocation of the cats. At some point, the monk just asked, “Are you sure you still want to give them away?” and the lawyer had found himself shaking his head.

The truth was… they were a nice addition to his life and he was sure the cats couldn’t ask for a better owner. He had enough money to pay for their regular visits to the vet, to change ruined furniture, to have a cleaning lady, to hire a cat sitter whenever he was away for work for too long… and to keep all of them together without separating them.

“You have more than enough love for all of them, Hitoya-san.” Jyushi had said once while adjusting Nye’s pink collar. “Destiny sent them to you because that’s what you needed.”

He had expected Kuko to make some kind of joke that time, but he had just nodded in a knowing way. 

So, maybe they were right. 

#hitoya's week #hitoya amaguni #jyushi aimono #kuko harai #bad ass temple #hypnosis mic #writing? in this economy?

[honestmrdual]

Ok. Serious post.

It’s hard for me to imagine that 2022 for someone wasn’t life-changing, eye-opening. This year felt an eternity long. Everything before 24 of february seen as something that happend years ago. Since the start of war i forbed myself to think about my future, plans, wants, needs - tho it’s not like i had these before. I thought that whatever i want is not gonna happen anyway, so it’s easier to not want anything. I, like i believe many and many people in this country, felt powerless to stop this, to do anything. 

I argued a lot with my classmates, and the only advise i got is to be quiet, or else i would get in trouble over my disapproval of war and genocide. Clearly, i didn’t change their minds, and i’m not sure what would. This entire year i kept thinking: why their views so different from mine? We have the same level of education, age, access to the internet. Knowledge of english language? I do know english much better than they do, but you don’t need an english to access a russian oppositional media outlets - or critically think about anything that goverment says, for that matter. 

I wasn’t naive to russia’s way of doing things, both in and outside of the country. I born and raised here (only partially being russian tho, but that’s besides the point), but I’m far and far from being any sort of patriot or nationalist. All of my teenage years i spent reading news, oppositional media outlets, stories of people who suffered and/or died because of regime. I was completely aware what russia can do to it’s own people, but i missed the point at which russia was willing to go into full-scale invasion on other countries.

I knew, of course, way before this date that, well, war is bad, but this knowledge was purely theoritical. Reading on wikipedia about wars, happening thousands kilometres from you and not involving the country you live in, didn’t felt the same. I’m not saying that these wars do not matter, i’m just saying that this is the first time war is this close to me - not in a physical sense, since i live in siberia, but in everything else. 

(Before you point this out - i’m aware of russian-georgian, russian-chechen and all the wars russia did in the past, but back then i was too young to procces or even aknowledge those events.)

Few minutes ago, me and my dad wished each other a happy, and hopefully much better, new year. Just as we did that, i took my phone and saw news about another russian shelling of ukraine. Another people killed, another lives destroyed. I put my phone down and stare at the message i sent to my dad. At this point, i’m not sure what emotions i feel, what emotions i should feel. I’m afraid to surrender to dullness, numbness.

I want this war to end, i want russia to lose. Maybe when suffering will stop, i will allow myself to look forward.

#vlad.text

[limi-pie]

The taste of Red Wine part 9 (first half)

A/N: Yo, my bitches, it’s been a fucking while. I apologize, summer has been making me a sloth🦥 and a workaholic. I don’t know if that made any sense but yeah. Here is this damn chapter or part 9 of my stupid fucking Mafia fanfiction. Excuse my bad language, I’m quite moody as I’m writing this.🤬 I’ve been trying to find some good K-pop Mafia inspired fanfics here but I can’t seem to find one. If you find any please send me some good recs! I’m so bored and need some good Mafia fics to entertain me.🥴

I hope you like it, lmfao. It’s been super stressful but I managed to finally post it. *twerks* Anyways so I’ve been thinking that chapter got too long it was around 10K words, so I’ve decided to split part 9 into 2 parts.

Meh, I just felt it would be better that way, because 1. my attention span is horrible and I have a hard time focusing on reading any fanfictions that are over 8K+ words. 2. I like it better that way, then I won’t have a hard time remembering what happened in previous chapter and I can just easily read it, since I’ve made it short. But this first half of chapter 9 is around 5K+ words so it’s more doable and easier hopefully for myself and you readers to enjoy it.

< Previous chapter – Next chapter >

Disclaimer: Please keep in mind that this is all fanmade and it’s fanfiction. All events and things I wrote about in this Mafia alternative universe are purely based on my imagination and fiction. This story is for entertainment purposes and nothing else. I only own Lee Meílíng Y/N and other villains mentioned in said chapters.

I do not own BTS or Bighit Entertainment/HYBE Labels or the other K-Pop idols, or artists. I’m also not associated with any of the said artists in my fanfiction. I do not support The Mafia or any of the violence, crimes, or actions that have happened in this story.

Genre: Mafia AU, (Specific) Female Reader, Mafia Leader! Yoongi, Romance, Drama

Warnings: Abuse, alcohol, assassination, assault, blood, choking, bad language, another fucking breakup because I like problems👹, shooting, guns, drama, gaslighting, kidnapping, murder, smoking, violence.

Summary: You left all the Mafia memories and business behind as you have decided to cut all connections and ties related to the Bangtan Gang. You start to realize what truly matters and decide to work at your new job with your friend Renjun. Yoongi is back to his coldblooded and merciless self as he takes on different jobs and missions. Rumors have been spread around that a certain, vicious, and dangerous Girl Gang has returned to Seoul.

Last edited: On the 9th of August 2022

Wordcount: 6,856

I wish I didn’t get on this train if I had known he was such a mysterious yet kind man.

I was heading up to my apartment as I typed the password. Then I went inside my bedroom and changed into my pajamas. I checked my phone as it was 11:05 PM Thursday the 14th of May 2020. I popped the plastic straw into my boba milk tea.

“It’s so sweet and mild, but in a way, it’s so comforting.” It was almost midnight when I immediately crashed into my bed afterward and fell asleep.

Meanwhile at the Bangtan’s mansion… it was Friday the 15th of May 2020, 12:30 AM.

“Jimin, schedule a meeting with the GOT7 Gang. I have some business to make with them.” Yoongi ordered, letting go of the unconscious man, he had just finished beating up as he fell to the ground. “Yes Sir.” He responded as they went back to the vehicle.

“What’s the status of Jungkook's condition? Is he still recovering?” Yoongi asked, moving the steering wheel. “He said in 3 weeks that JK will recover. That was only if he was resting in his bedroom and cleaning his wounds every day. But he seemed to forget it quite often.”

“Jayden is no longer in our basement, he escaped several days ago before Y/N got kidnapped. I believe,” Jimin informed Yoongi as he made a right turn. “Jungkook can’t rush his recovery so I’ll ask if Jackson or Yugyeom can join us for temporary help,” Yoongi mumbled.

“Any updates on Seth’s locations or hideouts?” Yoongi asked and stopped at the red light, “the last sight of Seth was rumored to be in Macau but he may have traveled to Mainland China.” Taehyung said, typing things into the map on his tablet.

“Maybe the Way V Gang has data on him. Should I ask them?” Jimin advised, ready to call Hendery.

That Neo City Gang is expanding slowly but surely. Not to mention the violent and vicious Gang has returned to Seoul.

“Park, don’t,” Yoongi said hesitantly, “but Boss, this is our great chance–”

“–I know our goal is tracking Seth or any other members of the Blood Vessel Gang, but we got to have a clear strategy. So for now I’ll avoid teaming up with the Neo City Gang. Instead, I’ll make use of the other Gangs and make use of our comrades.” Yoongi concluded, his determination burning as he parked the car in front of their mansion.

“You guys head inside, there’s something I have to get from the store,” Yoongi said, still sitting in the driver’s seat. He rolled his head back, looking at the main door.

“Goodbye, Min Yoongi.” He remembered it clearly. That sad and hurt expression of mine as I left with Hoseok. Yoongi went inside the 7-11 as he got a packet of cigarettes and some thinly sliced beef. He reminisced about that moment we encountered each other on that faithful day. “Thank you. I— umm…” He chuckled, remembering my words before shaking his head. To think that Y/N got eye contact with me and she almost couldn’t recognize me. But I get it. I must have given her my usual cold stare. Yoongi went back to the mansion as some time had passed.

“Boss, you’re smoking again?” Jimin asked, looking over at him and Taehyung as he played Overwatch with Jungkook, “yeah, I’m overwhelmed with work lately and I figured this was better than alcohol. Then I would at least be able to do some work not as half-assed.” Yoongi scoffed, lighting his cigarette with Taehyung’s lighter.

“You should try vaping, Boss,” Taehyung said, smoke coming out of his lips, “that scent smells too sweet, Tae,” Suga said, exhaling deeply as he scoffed. “That’s because this is a strawberry-flavored one.” He exclaimed, chuckling as Jungkook smiled.

“It’s been a long time since just the four of us spent time together like this.” Jungkook expressed, smiling to himself as his dimples were visible. “It sure has,” Jimin said as he chuckled happily.

If only Y/N was here too… I miss her like crazy. Yoongi thought to himself. He went to his office he turned on his laptop, typing digits into his hacking program.

I should arrange a meeting with the GOT7 Gang, they seem to have made good deals with weapons lately. Yoongi thought, tilting his head a bit as checked his email.

I woke up to the burning sunlight as I squinted my eyes and groaned loudly, “mmh… why is it so bright outside?” It was Friday exactly a week had passed when I was unconsciously brought to that hotel room with Kunhang.

I checked my phone when I suddenly got a call from Daniel Jones. I was rather surprised and shocked after hesitating before I finally answered. “Hey Y/N, I heard what happened, can we meet up? I want to talk to you.” Daniel’s voice sounded concerning and overprotective, “sure let’s meet in my apartment at 1:00 PM,” I mumbled confusedly.

“You wanted to see me?–” I mumbled when Daniel suddenly hugged me tightly. “I can’t stop thinking about you, Y/N.” He confessed as he looked into my eyes deeply. I bit my teeth together, not hugging him back or replying.

I didn’t want to see him after everything that has happened, I just wasn’t in the right state of mind.

“Namjoon told me about everything and what happened with Yoongi. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there to save you,” Daniel said, holding my hand as I pouted.

“It’s fine, I’m over it… But Daniel I don’t think I’ll ever be in a relationship again. Not until I fixed myself and my mind.” I expressed, looking into his eyes as he leaned forward.

“I’ll be by your side until we get back together again. I realized what I had lost when we broke up. It made me realize how important of a person you are to me.” He confessed as I looked down, “thanks, Daniel…” I managed to mumble as I sighed.

“Do you need me to pay for next month’s rent or do you need any groceries?” Daniel asked as he was about to head out again. “No thanks, I’ve saved some money and I’m going to find a new job real soon.”

“Ok, take care,” he said, leaning in about to kiss me when I turned my head away, “sorry,” I rejected coldly as he let out a soft chuckle. “Ok, see ya later.”

“Hey, you’re back from Thailand? Wanna meet up?” I asked, speaking on the phone with Lisa as I was putting on some black stockings. “Great, let’s meet at City Hall station at 3:00 PM,” I said, hanging up as I put on some crimson red lip gloss.

“Omg, Lili!” I exclaimed, running into Lisa’s arms as I swept her off her feet as we were both laughing. “I missed you so much, how’s Rosie and the others?” She asked, locking arms with me as we walked around inside the “Daiso” store.

“It’s been okay, did Rosie tell you what happened to me?” I asked, tilting my head as she shook her head confused.

“Holy shit, Y/N,” Lisa said as I nodded, “I know, I shouldn’t involve myself ever again with the Mafia or such danger.” I expressed as I let out a soft chuckle.

“I mean it did sound like a lot of fun in beginning, didn’t it?” Lisa chuckled and smiled as we walked inside the “Gong Cha” boba tea cafe.

“I guess so…” I mumbled when I was about to order. “Hello and welcome, what can I do for you today?” A man asked when our eyes met and I felt my heart race.

It was him, Mr. Huang from yesterday. The angel who saved me.

“Yeah, can I get a large mango smoothie with tapioca, thanks,” Lisa said, smiling at me as I blinked. “Can I get a large taro milk tea with extra tapioca, please and thank you,” I said, looking down shyly. “Sure thing, they’ll be ready in 5 minutes. Please have a seat,” He said, smiling as he added tapioca to the plastic cups.

“What’s with you, Y/Nie?” Lisa asked, poking my forehead as I looked at her, “yesterday I was almost sexually assaulted and raped by some creep at night.” I mumbled, sipping on my taro milk tea. “That’s when he, I mean Mr. Huang saved me. We went to the station as he comforted me…”

“Shit, Unnie are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?” She whispered as I shook my head shortly. “I would rather not think about it, I’m just happy that Huang was able to get me out of that uncomfortable situation,” I confessed, sipping on my taro milk tea.

“Wow, what a sweet love story, Y/N,” She said, smirking as she was chewing the tapioca pearls. “Why don’t you go over there and ask for his phone number or something?” Lisa suggested as I choked a bit, “w-what are you saying, Lili?!” I whispered as she shrugged, “oh come on! You’re obviously crushing on him, so why not give it a chance?~”

“Because I’m with Daniel again…” I felt slight insecurity as I stated, “and I don’t need to make things more complicated for myself right now…” I said, looking over at the counter as Mr. Huang wiped it clean. His hair was set up in a small ponytail and some of his hair was styled in some cute braids.

He must’ve set it up himself, it suits him…

“Yah, Unnie, you’re the one staring at him so intensely, not me,” Lisa laughed as I pursed my lips around the plastic straw. “At least go there and thank him properly, also introduce yourself.” She added as I nodded and walked up to the counter.

“Excuse me, I forgot to pay earlier,” I said, fumbling with my wallet a little as Mr. Huang smiled. “No worries, credit card or cash?”

“Credit card, please, and thank you,” I mumbled before looking at him as he tilted his head slightly.

“Thanks for yesterday… It was really sweet of you, Mr. Huang,” I expressed, smiling at him as he bowed. “No need to thank me. I did it because it was the right thing to do. Uh, you seem to be looking better today.”

“Thanks, you look very nice with your hair styled like that… Um, my name’s Lee Y/N, you can call me Y/N.” I said, fluttering my eyes as his smile made me slightly shy. “What a pretty name, Y/N. I’m Huang Renjun, call me Renjun.”

“Thanks for today, bye,” I waved, leaving with Lisa as Renjun waved too.

“Omg! Y/N’s so flirty! You’re in a love triangle with Daniel Jones and handsome Huang Renjun! Hmm, maybe a threesome wouldn’t be bad?~” She teased as I sighed deeply, “look, Renjun and I don’t have feelings for each other. Also, I’m back with Daniel again. He seemed to be a better person and a responsible man now too. So I won’t cheat on him.” I expressed, walking to the station.

“What about you Ms. Manobon, didn’t you hook up with your childhood friend?” I asked, crossing my arms sassily as she giggled.

“Well turns out it wasn’t just a hook-up, because we’re actually dating now,” Lisa said, smiling as she showed me a picture of her boyfriend. “You do remember my childhood friend, Bambam, right?” She showed her lock screen with a cute picture of them.

So this is what he looks like now… Those two are very close. After all, they both grew up together in Thailand before coming to Korea.

“Wow, I’m so happy for you, Lisa. He seems to be a good guy,” I said, taking the bus as she giggled. “Of course he is, Y/Nie~ after all, I don’t date bad guys like you~” She joked as I shook my head, “you’re so done, Lili.” I threatened as she walked me to my apartment. “Thanks for today, Bae. I had a lot of fun, next time let’s meet up, all five of us.” I smiled and hugged her. “Yeah, Jennie is returning from France in a couple of weeks, let’s all meet up by then,” Lisa said, waving as she walked to the bus stop.

“Daniel, I’m home–” I said, taking my heels off as I placed them down when I noticed a pair of brown and somewhat cheap high heels.

There was something off about them, I had never seen or bought a pair like that before.

“Daniel… Are you here?” I asked when I saw many of my vases shattered and broken into pieces in the living room. Whiskey stains the floor and empty beer bottles on the couch.

What’s going on here, the money’s gone and it reeks of alcohol everywhere…

I grabbed the bouquet of red roses from the floor as I walked away from the living room.

Daniel wouldn’t do this to me. He promised to change after all… That’s why we got back together again.

I walked up the door to my bedroom as I noticed an E-cup-sized bra, stockings, and panties on the floor. I could feel my legs tremble with fear. Only fearing the worst I opened the door when I saw Daniel embracing and kissing some random girl in my very own bed. “Who’s that, Daniel?” The girl asked, staring at me up and down.

I dropped the bouquet as I was speechless by this whole situation. “You fucking asshole,” I said, feeling tears surround my eyes as I walked away. I put on my black heels and black leather jacket as Daniel had a pair of boxer briefs on. “Listen Y/N,”

“Don’t talk to me, Daniel.” I said, my voice beginning to shake and tremble with uneasiness.

“Just hear me out, okay?” He said, patting my shoulder as I lashed out, “don’t fucking touch me!” I screamed the tears rolling down my cheeks. “I don’t want to hear your lame and stupid excuses! I had enough!” I shouted.

One side of me always knew that Daniel was an unfaithful man and a liar. But another side of me always refused to believe that, it would be true.

However… I never thought that I’d have actually witnessed it like this.

“See? This is why I did this to you. Y/N.”

It was no nightmare nor an awful dream. It was the reality of my life and relationship.

“You’ve always been one crazy, stubborn, bitch. Never listening to me or obeying me like a good fucking bitch.” Daniel said, grabbing me by the chin as he glared at me coldly. “That’s why I did this. So you could feel my fucking pain for once.”

I shouldn’t let him tear me down and abuse me like this anymore…

“I let you live your independent life as a teacher at SNU so that everyone could adore you. I allowed you to go to parties with guy friends like Namjoon and Hoseok. I let you do everything and in return, you never did anything for me… You never made food for me, cleaned my room, or even appreciated me, let alone sleep with me.”

I shouldn’t allow him to walk all over me like this… I hate this more than anything else…!

“Whenever I tried to make a move on you or try to fuck you. You’d always complain that you have work to do or that you weren’t in the mood. And then you have the fucking nerve to ask how I got fired and why I came home all high, drunk, and fucked up on drugs, you bitch?!” He cussed and shouted, crumbling old school assignments of mine before tossing them on the floor.

“Shut the fuck up, Daniel Jones!” I screamed, throwing my black heel on the wall as I stomped on the floor. “I had enough of you and your stupid excuses! Why do you think that I was overworking myself?! After you got fired, I had to overwork myself and pay for our damn bills, groceries, and everything! You think having sex with me is the only way for us to communicate, you disgusting piece of shit!” I screamed, panting as I was beyond mad.

“You fucking bitch! I’m going to fuck some sense into you,” Daniel yelled, pulling me by the hair as he tried to kiss me when I slapped him as I put on my heel again. “Don’t fucking run, we’re not done here, you fucking whore!” He pulled me by the wrist when I kicked my knee in between his legs as he groaned and cursed. “Let go of me! You fucking asshole!” I yelled as I rushed down the stairs when he began to chase me.

“I’ll fucking kill you.” Daniel glared as he was right behind me when I looked as he was also heading downstairs. I jumped a few steps down when my left heel broke but I had to get away. I didn’t look back at all I was too stressed and angered that I didn’t think of dialing the police’s number.

I ran all the way as I made it to the “Gangnam” station as I was panting heavily. Why did this happen? Whatever, I should get away from this as fast as possible otherwise he’ll catch up to me. I looked back once as I noticed he wasn’t there. I suppose he went back to fuck that girl of his, hmmph.

I wiped the pathetic tears away but they kept coming back. I was beyond frustrated, hurt, and mad. I couldn’t control my emotions or how I felt. It began to rain as I shook my head, whimpering.

I stopped as I was in front of the stairs, staring at them dumbfoundedly. When the rain was pouring heavily.

What’s the point in anything anymore…? I feel like there’s no point to anything.

I turned away from the station as I stood there, feeling the rain get heavier and my hair completely soaked by it.

“What are you doing here, Ms. Lee Y/N?” A man said in his low voice as he was behind me, shielding the umbrella above my head. I turned around before mumbling, “Huang Renjun…” I said, staring at him in sheer confusion as I parted my lips, sighing. “Are you waiting for someone?” He asked as I wiped the tears away from my eyes.

“I… I don’t know…” I whimpered, looking down as I cried into my hands. “Did something happen?” Huang asked as I stood there dumbfounded, shaking my head, “my boyfriend, he… he cheated on me…” I cried as he clenched his fist, clearly angered when he pulled me into his chest.

“Let’s go…” Huang hugged me, rubbing my back softly, “let’s go to my apartment, there’s no need for you to cry over trash like that.” He comforted me as we entered his car and he drove us away to his place.

“Here,” Huang asked, handing me an empty cup as I looked in it. “Thank you…” I mumbled hesitantly. “Are you okay?” He asked, filling the cup with hot water as I drank a little. “I’m not…”

“I don’t know Huang… I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Silence fell between us when I glimpsed at him. “I’m sorry…” I said in a low voice, “don’t apologize, it’s okay,” I sniffed, rubbing my eyes. “It hurts… That feeling of loneliness… Being left in the sad rain. I know that feeling too.” Huang said as he had a sad expression.

After explaining what happened to me and Daniel. He hugged me, “forget about that bastard, he’s not worthy of your love. And he never will be.” He expressed as I nodded, looking down.

He handed me a pair of Puma jogging pants and a matching hoodie too. “You should take a hot shower otherwise you’ll catch a cold. Also, are you hungry?” He asked as I took the clothes and towel, “thank you, Mr. Huang,” I said.

“Renjun.” He said with a smile. “Hmm?” I mumbled. “Call me Renjun and I’ll call you, Y/N.” He said, patting my hair. “Okay, Renjun. I won’t take too long.”

“Lee Meílíng Y/N, huh?” He said as I was eating some Chinese chicken dumplings I nodded. Renjun chuckled as we watched a music video that he filmed with his friends. “What’s so funny? Do I not look Chinese to you?” I asked, pouting a bit as I drank some water.

“No, it’s just I didn’t think I’d meet another Chinese person. It sorta makes me happy,” He said as I scoffed, “well, I thought your name didn’t sound that Korean, Huang Renjun.”

“美伶, huh?” (Meílíng.) Renjun cooed as I pursed my lips together.

“Yeah, it’s my given last Chinese name. Not many people are aware that I’m half-Chinese after all. So most of the time I just go by Lee Y/N or at least here in Korea I do.”

“But in China, you’re Meílíng Y/N.” He added as I nodded. “Well, I’m the same way actually.”

“I actually go by my Korean name Hwang In Joon, but my real name is Huang Renjun. I don’t really tell my Korean classmates my real name since I’m studying hard to learn Korean.”

“Then why did you tell me your real name?” I asked, leaning a bit closer to him as our eyes met when he pursed his lips together. “That’s because… You’re someone that I can trust.” Renjun confessed as I blushed a bit. “Huang Renjun, how do I write that?”

He leaned a bit closer, taking a hold of my hand as he wrote down the Chinese characters for his name. “Like this, 黄仁俊.” (Huang Ren Jun.)

I smiled as he chuckled. “You have such a pretty name, Renjun.”

“What’s this song called?” I asked as he was playing the piano. “Life Is Still Going On,” Renjun said as he smiled at me. “Wasn’t that the song you and your friends performed earlier, in that video?” I asked, moving closer to him as he nodded.

“You really pay attention to the small details, huh? I like that about you, Y/N.” Renjun said, looking at me deeply as I folded my arms. “Well, of course, I do. The song’s really sweet and in a way comforting.” I mumbled, smiling at myself.

“You have a really nice voice and you play the piano so well too…” I expressed, sitting next to him. “You’re really talented and amazing, Renjun,” I confessed as he smiled brightly when I noticed his small dimple. “You’re also quite amazing. And very pretty too.” He mumbled, moving some strands of hair away from my eyes as we met. His warm hand cupped my cheek and I blushed red at his soft touch.

“You’re so pretty, why would someone as pretty as you cry over a douchebag like that?”

I was taken by surprise hearing him say that. I pursed my lips together when he pressed a soft kiss on my forehead.

Renjun’s like an angel. Whenever I’m in a bad situation he always manages to save me. I thought looking into his light brown eyes.

I dialed Hoseok’s number as I began speaking. “Hobi… I’m staying at my friend’s house. Could you stop by here tomorrow? There’s something you need to hear and know.”

“You sound a bit different, everything okay?” Hoseok asked as I hesitated to tell him the actual truth.

“Yeah, sorry, I was out in the rain earlier which is why I sound a bit weird,” I laughed it off nervously. “Okay. Good night and sleep well, Y/Nie. I’ll pick you up early in the morning, sweet dreams.”

“Are you sure it’s okay if I sleep here? I mean I don’t want to trouble you–” I mumbled, rubbing my arm. “–You’re not going back to that apartment are you, Y/N?” Renjun asked, taking off his t-shirt as I was a bit distracted and flustered by his fine body.

“I’m not… But I don’t want to be a burden to you…” I mumbled as he cupped my cheeks and looked at me. “You’re not a burden, please don’t go. I’m really worried about you. If anything ever happened to you I wouldn't ever be happy with myself.” Renjun expressed as I hugged him.

“Fine… I’ll stay here tonight.”

“Is it alright for me to sleep in your bed?” I asked, pulling the blanket over my legs as Renjun hummed. “Of course it is,” he mumbled, lying on a mattress beside the bed. “I don’t want you to catch a cold.” He said, resting his head on his left arm.

Even though it’s Renjun’s bedroom, he’s letting me sleep in his soft bed while he’s sleeping on the floor. “Sweet dreams, Y/N,” Renjun mumbled before closing his eyes. I glanced over at his handsome face and sighed.

“Goodnight, Renjun,” I mumbled, lying on my left side as I fell asleep.

It was Saturday the 16th of May 2020. When someone rang the doorbell as I opened the door. “Who’s this?” Hoseok asked curiously, tilting his head and looking at Renjun.

“Hobi–”

“–Erhmm, I mean Hoseok. This is Renjun, my friend.” I said as he greeted him by the door. “Actually, my Korean name’s Hwang In Joon. But you can call me Injoon or Renjun.” Renjun chuckled and bowed, then he shook his hand.

“It’s nice to meet you, Renjun, I’m Jung Hoseok. But call me Hoseok,” Hoseok said, smiling brightly.

I was eating breakfast when Renjun was playing the piano as Hoseok was dancing casually. “You’re a really great dancer, you execute the moves very sharp and nicely, Hoseok.” Renjun complimented him as Hoseok bowed. “Thanks, Renjun. You’re awesome too,” he added and smiled.

I’m glad Hobi is getting along with Renjun… I was really worried that he might’ve not liked him. I ate my Jianbing as I watched them closely.

“So what happened yesterday?”

“Your voice sounded unusual…” Hoseok spoke, drinking some warm soy milk. I looked down hesitating to answer his question when Renjun walked over, placing his hand on my shoulder. “Y/N… What’s wrong?” Hoseok asked worriedly. “You don’t have to tell him… if you’re not ready,” he said as my eyes looked up surprisingly. “...Tell me what?” Hoseok asked as he had a serious look fixated on me.

“I was really excited to see him and finally be together again…” I whimpered, “I… I thought he was actually going to change for once…” The tears formed around my eyes after explaining everything as Renjun patted my back.

“I know that I’m a difficult woman but he didn’t even feel the slightest empathy towards me… as his former lover and girlfriend…” I mumbled, wiping the tears away, “was I just an object to him?” Hoseok stood up, clenching his fists.

“Where is that bastard?” He demanded, “Hobi, don’t…” I sniffled as I pursed my lips together. “I’ll go and teach him a lesson–” Hoseok said, walking over to the shoe rack.

“–I don’t think that it would be a good idea, Hoseok,” Renjun said, leaning against the wall as he looked at him. “Renjun, you don’t know Daniel… the way I and Namjoon do–”

“–I know that.”

“–But… ignoring and going against Y/N’s wishes isn’t something that’ll make her feel better or happier.” Renjun expressed when Hoseok stopped. “I can’t let that bastard get away with hurting my childhood friend just like that…” he said, glaring at him. “I know, but Y/N needs us. She doesn’t want to get back at Daniel or for us to get back at him.”

“Y/N just needs us to be there for her now that she needs it the most…” Renjun confessed.

Renjun and Hoseok had left the apartment to give me some time to reflect and be alone.

I scrolled through the contacts on my phone, before sighing heavily. I was searching for Hyejin’s number as I found it and stared at it intensely. I knew that I had to tell the truth to my family eventually, the truth that Daniel and I had broken up…

I don’t want to do this… You have to do this, Y/N. My inner self fought as I shook my head. “Fuck! I’ll have to tell her the truth!” I pursed my lips together as I texted my sister.

Hyejin (big sis)

“Hey, Unnie can we talk if you have time?”

“Let’s Facetime”

“Sure thing, Y/N”

“I’ll call now.”

She dialed using Facetime. “What’s up, little sis?” Hyejin asked as I looked at my phone screen, “hey…” I mumbled, looking down a little, “how’s Shanghai and how are you doing?” I put on my low smile, getting eye contact with her. “Shanghai’s amazing and I’m enjoying my honeymoon with Hyukwoo…” I smiled, looking down again as I nodded.

“What about you, Y/N, are you okay?”

“Did something happen?”

“Yeah… Something did happen… Don’t tell mom or dad about this… Because I will tell them in person. I’m staying at a friend’s house right now. A lot of shit has happened.”

“Listen Y/N, don’t feel pressured to tell me anything. Just know that I’m here for you whenever you need it.” Hyejin said, smiling as I nodded, feeling my voice quiver, “Daniel and I broke up… We are no longer together…” I said, tears falling as I cried heavily. “I’m sorry about that, Y/N. Do you want to talk about it? I wish that I could give you the biggest hug right now.”

I explained the whole story of what’s been going on. “I thought that we finally could figure things out that we finally could fix our relationship and then he decides to cheat on me…” I whimpered, rubbing my eyes. “He’s the asshole, sis, but I hate to say this. But I’m rather relieved that you broke up with him.”

“Relieved…?” I asked in shock at her response. “I know that it sucks, but he was never a good boyfriend. I’ve always despised that piece of shit, he’s lucky that I’m not in Seoul right now to beat his ass.” Hyejin sneered, biting her teeth together as she had that scary expression of hers. I laughed slightly, it’s been a while since I saw that scary face of hers. “I also lost my job… due to a dating scandal…” I sighed, drinking water as Hyejin blinked her eyes. “Yah, Lee Meílíng Y/N what’s been going on?” She scolded me as I licked my lips before chuckling a little.

“A lot of shit has happened, Unnie. But I’m in the process of moving out of my apartment too.” She sighed, “yah, Y/N you’re driving me fucking crazy, you little shit–!” I smiled at her sudden voice change. “I know that you’re extremely worried about me right now but I promise I’ll tell you everything once I’m home in China. I’m just happy that you’re listening to me and my problems…”

Hyejin crossed her arms, looking at me disappointingly and sassily. “Unnie, don’t be mad.” I pleaded while looking at her. “I’m not mad, I just hate how you’re so stubborn like mom. And always bottle up your feelings and pretend everything’s going to be okay. I know that you feel like it’s none of my business and you feel like a burden, but I want us as sisters, to be honest with each other. I don’t need to know everything you do in your life but please remember that I’m here for you whenever you need it. You can always talk to your big sister, you know that.” I was speechless and taken back by her words and her constant reassurance.

“–Right Y/N?” Hyejin added, smiling as I nodded. “I know that. I know that I’m a stubborn woman and how difficult I am, but I hate the thought of others worrying about me, you know that too, Hyejin.”

“Did you file a police report on that fucker Daniel?”

“Noo…” I mumbled dumbfoundedly. There’s no way I would be able to tell her that I’ve been involved with the Mafia Gang and all that messed shit. As much as she’s my older sister I can’t bring myself to tell her what’s actually been going on. If I did, she’d definitely tell our parents!

“Then what are you going to do from now? You’re not staying in that apartment until he moves out, right?” Hyejin asked, raising her eyebrow as I spoke. “I’m going to remove my name from that apartment and I’ll ask Roseanne or Hoseok if I can stay at their place until I’ve found my own.”

“What about your job, are your savings enough, or do you need me to send some money?” Hyejin asked, propping her head to her hand as I nodded, “I do have a lot of money in my bank account, don’t worry, Unnie. This is my problem, I shouldn’t drag you into this mess, okay?” I smiled as she sighed, rolling her eyes. “When are you returning to China?”

“Maybe in a few weeks, I’ll be there?”

“I need to find a new job and I’ll definitely come and see you guys, okay?”

“Yeah, I wish you the best of luck, Y/N. Take care of yourself, okay?” Hyejin looked deeply at me as I did the same, I nodded and smiled.

“Don’t be so hard and harsh on yourself, okay?”

“Yeah, I know Hyejin. I’ll try my best, you know that. My stubbornness and fierce personality are what will get me through life and hardship!” I said, energetically clenching my fists.

“Right, I know that, you idiot. I love you no matter, okay?” She giggled at my pose and smiled. “I love you too, Unnie thanks for chatting with me, but I have to hang up now,” I said as she nodded. “See you.”

It felt good to chat with Hyejin, after all, she’s like my second best friend. I know that she’ll keep my secrets after all we’re sisters and I can always trust her.

Two weeks had passed since then… It was Saturday the 30th of May 2020. I was having my 5th shift at “Gong Cha”.

“Hey, what would you like to order today?” I asked as the customer told me their order. “Huang, one large taro milk tea, 30% sweet, no ice, lychee nata de coco, and tapioca. Also, one large jasmine milk tea with strawberry popping bobas, normal amount of sweetness and hot.” I read out loud the order to Renjun.

“Got it, Meílíng Babe,” He smiled, mixing the drink as I sighed. “Don’t call me babe,” I folded my arms as I added tapioca and lychee jelly to the cup and strawberry bubbles to the other one.

“Why so frustrated today, Meílíng?” Renjun asked as I sighed, “nothing in particular, also aren’t I older than you? Why aren’t you calling me Noona or Miss?” I demanded sassily as he chuckled.

“Alright, alright, Jie then treat me to lunch later,” Renjun said to me as I glanced at him, setting my hair up in a ponytail. “Fine. What are you in the mood to eat?” I asked as he moved some strands away from my face as looked into my eyes.

“Hotpot, Chinese hotpot,” He smiled, handing me the drinks as I smiled a bit.

“Alright, Ning can you handle the rest?” I asked, looking at her when she turned around and smiled sweetly, “当然!” (Of course!)

“Good, I’ll leave the rest to you then.” I smiled, hugging her as I put on my coat. “If there’s any trouble, just call me, okay?” I reassured her as Renjun put on his scarf. “Shall we go, Jiejie?” He asked, holding his arm out as I sighed, wrapping my arm around it.

“Oh my God, Y/N Jiejie and Huang Gege are dating!” Ning exclaimed as I sighed, “we’re not, Ning!” I protested as Renjun chuckled.

“Say hi to Chenle for me, Gege,” Ning said as he nodded and waved.

“Wow, what a nice restaurant!” I walked inside “Crystal Jade Restaurant” and was amazed by the place. “It’s actually one of my favorite Chinese restaurants here in Seoul,” Renjun said and sat down.

“I can see why,” I looked around to see the beautiful decor and admired the warm feeling of the smell. “What would you like to order?” The waitress asked, “the beef hot pot menu, please,” Renjun said, placing the menu cart down.

“How do you like working at “Gong Cha” so far?” He asked, looking at me as I smiled softly, glancing down. “I do. I’m really happy to work with Ning and you. Everyone is really amazing and friendly.” I confessed before looking at him.

“Thank you, Renjun…”

“There’s no need to thank me, you’re the one who got the job thanks to that well-written application you sent,” Renjun smiled, drinking some ice-cold water.

“Here is your food, please call me if you need anything else,” the waitress said as we both bowed. “谢谢你.” (Thank you.)

“You should try the beef shoulder, it’s really good,” I said, holding up the piece of meat as Renjun smiled and ate it. “Mhm, thanks Y/N - it’s excellent.” He nodded, licking his lips.

“Here, eat some vegetables too. The napa cabbage and shiitake mushrooms are really delicious,” Renjun said, handing me a bowl of them. “Thanks, wow! I haven’t had such good hot pot in a long time,” I mumbled, chewing my food.

“You look so cute when you eat. I can tell you really enjoy the food.” He chuckled, looking at me as I blushed a little. “Shut up… I just really love food.” I pouted flusteredly.

“Say when was the last time that you went to see your parents in China?” Renjun asked curiously. “It’s been exactly a year since I last visited them,” I mumbled, gathering my chopsticks as I looked at the blue sky outside.

“Then…” Renjun pressed his lips together before taking a hold of both my hands. “Would you like to go to China with me?” He asked, looking at me deeply.

I thought for a second before giving him my answer. “I would love to.”

I headed home to Hoseok as the two of them were waiting for me. “How was work today, Y/N?” Namjoon asked as I took off my sneakers and coat. “It was actually pretty okay. Also, I’ve already eaten dinner.” I walked inside the living room, taking off my sweater as I was wearing my BT21 t-shirt underneath.

“Ah… With Renjun - wasn’t it?” Hoseok mumbled, playing Just Dance 4 with him. “Mmh, we had Chinese hot pot. I’ll go clean the kitchen, Hobi,” I said, grabbing the vacuum, mop, and bucket.

He finished using the vacuum as he put it away. “Thanks for letting me stay here temporarily, Hobi until I’m moving into Rosie’s place soon,” I expressed, draining the excess water from the mop as I swept the floor.

“No worries, you can stay here as long as you love, Y/Nie~” Hoseok smiled, drinking some strawberry milk. “Heh heh thanks, Hobi, but I’ve missed seeing Rosie so I’m staying with her until I’ve moved into my new place.” Namjoon walked in, smiling, “heh, it’s been a while since you last visited your family, hasn’t it?” He asked as I turned around. “Actually… I’m planning on visiting them in China with Renjun,” I said when Namjoon walked in.

“That’s nice, it’s been a while since you last saw them, right?” He added, folding his arms and smiling as his dimples were showing. I nodded and finished cleaning the floor.

“So when will you travel?” Hoseok asked, taking the bucket and mop. “Mmh… not quite sure but maybe the first of June or the end of June? Renjun just asked me earlier.” I smiled, brushing my hair. “Sounds good,” Namjoon said, boiling some hot water for his noodles.

I had told all my friends about my breakup with Daniel Jones. However, I didn't tell my family about it other than my older sister Hyejin. I know that I’ll eventually need to tell my mother and father. But right now; I just want to work and tell them once I see them personally in China.

Somewhere in an expensive hotel in the Gangnam District…

“Kang, 4th floor and on your left,” a woman whispered into her earpiece, “got it,” she said before knocking out the guy with a syringe. The guy passed out as she grabbed his key card, before knocking out the CCTV with her gun. “Found that Jayden suspect, make sure to hack CCTV system for me, Son,” Ms. Kang commanded.

She walked into the hotel room as she searched through his belongings, she found his wallet and the folder she was looking for the whole mission. “Report to Kim, tell Boss that I’ve completed this mission. I’ve found what we’ve looked for.” She said before hanging up.

“Be careful Bangtan, we’ll meet very soon.” She said, staring at her reflection on the glass window, dragging the unconscious Jayden by the collar of his shirt into the elevator.

< Previous chapter – Next chapter >

#Yoongi Fanfic: The Taste of Red Wine #Made a repost because I forgot to add the hashtags when I queued it #Min Yoon Gi #Min Yoongi #Suga #Min Yoongi Fanfic #Yoongi Imagine #BTS Fanfic #BTS Fan Fiction #K-pop #K-pop Fanfic #Yoongi x Y/N #Yoongi x Reader #Suga x Reader #Park Jimin #Kim Taehyung #Jeon Jungkook #Kim Namjoon #Jung Hoseok #Lalisa Manoban #Park Chaeyoung #Rosé #Kang Seulgi #Red Velvet #Girl Groups #Y/N #Fanfiction #Bangtan Sonyeondan #Mafia AU

[haerinz]

FAE IM RLLY RLLY RLLY CONFUSED BC I TRIED TO RB UR JUNGWON DRABBLE TWICE BUT IT WONT POST??? LUCKILY I COPIED MY RB SO ILL JUST SEND IT HERE IF THATS OK :((

//

WIAT WHAT???? I LITERALLY JUST WROTE A WHOLE ASS CHUNKY PARAGRAPH AND THEN CHECKED AND IT NEVER PUBLISHED??? TUMBLR IM SO MAD AT U RN... .FFS

OKAY ANUWAY IM SO SORRY FAE !!!!! WHATEVER I DID TO U,, I APOLOGISE????? CLEARLY YOURE MAD AT ME BC "you knew he was destined for bigger things and deserved better people." FELT LIKE A PERSONAL A T T A C K ISTG THAT WAS OSOSOSO SAD 😭 WHY WOULD U DO THIS TO US 😭 FIRST FIC and u chose VIOLENCE,,, absolutely unadulterated VIOLENCE??? fml the transition from fluff to angst was SO HEARTBREAKING 😭 BUT HOLY CRAP U DID IT SO SO SEAMLESSLY??? WHICH IS WHY I RLLY ENJOYED THIS BC I SWEAR THE "drifted apart" trope is one of the best things ever??? they're particularly heartbreaking imo bc nothing "dramatic" necessarily happens, and it's always easier to move on when they give you a reason to hate them :((( in this case, pls this drabble made me so sad bc it'd be so hard to move on from someone like that :((( IM CRYING NOW WHY WOULD U DO THIS FAE????? BUT ANYWAYS U SLAYED THAT!!! gosh i loved this so much!!! i feel like ur writing style really shone through; i love the way you focus on emotions and how nothing felt too jarring or out of context hehe. PLS KEEP WRITING BC IM SOSOSOSO EXCITED FOR UR UPCOMING WORKS!!! CAN'T WAIT <33333

btw i love ur writing!!! SAUR EXCITED FOR UR FUTURE WORKS 💖💗💓🥰 fae slay 2022

hi mai mai !! & ofc that’s fine with me <33 i wonder why the rb wouldn’t work though ☹️ omg srsly?!? i wonder what’s up with tumblr ,, help bc web has been crashing on me a lot recently 🥲 ahhh i’m so glad you enjoyed it !! i was so nervous while writing help 😭😭 lol but i’m really happy that you thought it turned out alright 💗💗 hehe help i’m sorry mai 🙈🙈 omg but fr ,, the whole “drifting apart” trope is so heartbreaking but it’s definitely one of my favorites to read 😋 ahh i’m so glad that you could tell, i really wanted to focus on the emotions 🤭 & hopefully i can develop my writing style more over time!! omg srsly tysm for reading & sending me this ask bff 😚🫶 and yes!! i’m definitely planning to write more in the future <33 ilysm & i hope you have a great day/night 💗💗

#fae’s lovely moots! ♡ #fae’s mail ☆

[keefwho]

November 20 - 2022

8:45 AM

I here someone mention throwing up at least once a day which is annoying, but something I have to get over. I just hate having to hear about it sooo much. Like people use it for humor but I just think it’s gross and unsettling. Or they’ll regale a story about how horribly they vomited this one time. I don’t need to hear it. But I gotta apparently. 

4:42 PM

I just reminded myself that things don’t have to be stressful because I always get the impression that I’m meant to suffer with certain things. I think of commissions as HAVING to be dreadful and something I’ll fail at because of how little I care about the idea. But I don’t need to think like that. I can shake myself of this belief. It sucks that I have to do them but I can still relax about it and use them to have fun or practice at least sometimes. They’re always easier than I make them out to be too. I’ve never really failed catastrophically. Things don’t always turn out how I wanted them but it’s just like that. 

6:59 PM

I think I set myself up for failure because of my desire to predict the future and keep everything in my control. If I imagine the outcomes of something I have to do, it’s a lot easier to believe I’ll fail because thats the only outcome I can ensure. I can’t ensure success because I might fail no matter how hard I try. I hope being aware of this will help me stop thinking of myself as being on the losing side in everything. I literally sabotage myself without being aware of it. 

8:51 PM

Tummy hurts tonight and it’s bad enough that I don’t think I can push through it and do the things I want anyways. I’m sitting back and chilling until it’s better. I don’t know why it’s bad tonight, maybe it was what I ate today. A whole totinos pizza for breakfast and butter noodles for lunch. It feels like something needs to come out for me to feel better but it’ll take time. Until then I just feel like ass. Hopefully it’ll pass soon. I don’t want to be woken up in the middle of the night by this. It’s taking a lot to keep a level head about this. But being aware that I’m prone to panicking helps to avoid it. 

I even consider taking one of my nausea pills but they are in short supply, they are for something serious. It sucks because they take about 45 minutes to an hour to start kicking in so I have to decide ahead of time. 

9:16 PM

Yeah I’m pretty sure it’s just something that will pass. Sometimes it’s hard to tell until I’m certain I feel things moving along. The nausea is very on and off too and almost always associated with that movement. It doesn’t help that it’s dinner time and I had a small lunch. I don’t want to eat yet though. 

10:13 PM

I’m PISSED that a lot of my Rice a Roni cups tend to get compromised. Like 1/4 of them. Sometimes they’ll be clearly broke open at the seal but other times the seal will just be weak and the powder inside will be all clumpy which it isn’t supposed to be. And they won’t cook right so I end up not eating those. The thing is they are probably fine, its just rice and seasoning powder. It’s probably okay if they end up not being air tight like the oatmeal I buy which comes in paper bags that are not perfectly sealed. These things are my comfort food when I don’t feel good and I only got 1 left. I hope my parents go to town soon so I can stock up. 

11:14 PM

I feel ashamed documenting all this here because I feel crazy. I ended up taking one of the pills because I’m still afraid and I feel that bad I guess. I dont know whats wrong with me. There’s a slight chance I might have a low grade fever, I think my temperature is a little high for this hour. It’s 98.5 which obviously sounds fine but I think it usually reads 98.0 or less at this hour. But Im not sure. To be safe I decided to take the pill. I still think it’s probably just something going through but I don’t know. Either way I should feel better tomorrow. I just gotta relax. 

I need to try not to get in my own head too much. If left unchecked, I tend to believe I MUST be sick. Its still very likely I’m fine and will feel better soon. I have to accept it when it happens otherwise I’ll keep feeling bad because I believe I should. 

12:01 AM

I started feeling better in the bathroom. I don’t know if it’s the pill kicking in or (without TMI) what happened in the bathroom. History tells me whatever was bothering me is out or at least almost out and I should feel better. I guess I’ll have to see.

I can’t wait to read all this later and be ashamed. But I’m documenting it so I can dissect it later. 

1:05 AM

I gotta be brave and go to bed. I feel pretty okay right now but I worry there COULD be something going on with my tummy and the pill I took will wear off and I’ll wake up to nausea. Unlikely but possible. I have to sleep though. 

Gotta resist waking up and giving myself mad head. 

[renegadeontherunn]

2021 fic review

tagged by @dashedwithromance! thank you liss!! muah

total number of completed works: 27!! literally all my fics but three ajskldasd

total word count: I’ve posted 77,771 words, but plus wips/unreleased stuff (based off my brief word count calculations) is actually more like 100,000 aljsdkl

looking back did you write more, less, or the expected amount of fic this year? definitely more. I wrote like 2 fics before 2021 and this was the year I actually started writing and posting stuff. I think I posted more than I ever thought I would or at least more than I thought I would in a year

your own favorite story of this year? I think I’m gonna have to go with if i’m lost, then how can i find myself? which I feel like I never shut up about aljsdkads; but yeah it’s my longest fic and I worked really hard on it for quite a while and I feel like it really packs an emotional punch, or at least I feel that when I think about it, so yeah!

did you take any writing risks this year? I wrote my first star wars fic this year! I’d also say doing collabs this year. I’ve also loved the idea and thought it was so cool that that was even a thing and I was fortunate enough to do quite a few collabs this year and it was really intimidating honestly especially since I worked with like. fic writers I’ve spent years reading and like really looked up to but they were all a ton of fun

do you have any fanfic goals for the new year? yes, definitely! I want to write/release my first multi-chapter and I think I also may try to dabble in other fandoms? idk I worry about getting voices right when I do that, but I think it could be really fun to try. plus I also want to keep writing while at school and try not to put it on the back burner as much as I did this semester

most popular story of the year? if we’re talking hits, then it was 22. white lies, red blood which actually surprises me I feel like I always forget about that one ajldskads but the one with the most kudos is i’m only me when i’m with you idiots

story most under-appreciated? I’m honestly shocked and insanely pleased with the reaction I’ve gotten w my fics I didn’t expect that at all alsdkasl but if I had to pick I’d say moonlight sonata which is kind of a cheat answer since it’s a massive collab I did and so just a portion of it is mine but I absolutely love it and a ton of work was put into it and it’s honestly just a really cool fic (and I don’t mind any like less popularity/appreciation of it! the process of planning/writing it was so much fun, but yeah! there were a ton of really amazing writers who worked on it, and I can’t say too many good things about them, so yeah :))

most fun story to write? okay so I wanna say moonlight sonata again alsdk;ads bc it was!! but instead, I’ll say take my hand, hold on forever bc it was just a purely self-indulgent fluff fest and I really enjoyed writing it :’)))

most unintentionally telling story: I honestly don’t know what to say for this one hmm I feel like the answer is either neither or all of them alkjsd;s maybe words that you never told me (it’s not enough to say i’m sorry)? sometimes I insert like. my own mannerisms into fics especially when I’m writing ahsoka so, sure, let’s go with that one

biggest disappointment: I’m not really disappointed with anything, I’m super happy w what I’ve done this year! I do wish I had kept up with my prompt fills more than I have but I know I’ll get them done even if it takes a while aljsdk;asdk;l so I’m not really disappointed by it! 

biggest surprise: honestly I think my own capabilities. like I surprised myself with what I could do and like I wasn’t ever expecting to have written as much as I have or like. agh this sounds so self-centered but I honestly wasn’t expecting the quality of my fics to be what I feel like it is! like I’m pretty proud of what I’ve been able to do and I wasn’t expecting it at all so :’))

my favorite part of fandom this year: is this even a question? the people!!!! oh my god I’ve met so many absolutely wonderful and just. gah the best people ever and that actually might be my biggest surprise because I really wasn’t expecting there to not only be so many friendly, encouraging, supportive, hilarious, and wildly talented people but also that I would talk to them???? and be friends with them???? literally the best thing ever I love all of you so much thank you for making this year online absolutely incredible :’))))

no pressure tags! @katierosefun @meep-morp-s @just-another-dreamerr @pandora15 @imadetheline 

#fiona speaks #looking back this actually has been a pretty good year as far as like fandom/writing/all that stuff goes #it's nice to have a bright spot like that :')) #thank you for the tag liss!!! #don't mind me just clicking all those links in your post and reading your entire ao3-- #anyway here's to a better and hopefully easier 2022 #thank you to everyone who's wandered into this little corner of the internet this year i absolutely adore each and every one of you #and i wish you kinder and happier days #tag game #on writing #:'))))

[luxites]

do you have advice for finding manufacturers for charms n zines please

hi! honestly I just kinda look around twitter and various searches to see what people bring up! (etc. searching [manu name] and setting the twitter search to only people I follow, since a lot of them make merch)

I want to know if their experiences were good or bad, or if there's a kind of manu I should avoid. The How To Be A Con Artist tumblr is also good at having charm reviews and info on other merch.

I'm putting everything else under a read more just so it doesn't get too long on someone's dash!

I went with Vograce for my first charm experience tho cuz

EDIT 2/3/2022: I tried out another manu and actually liked them a lot better than Vograce (especially for my art style), so I'm using them from this point forward. I could do a post comparing the two manus I tried if people are interested and my reasons why?

but whoops all of the info below this cut are kinda out of date! but the color advice still stands!

it was a manu name I already knew about since I followed artists who used it

I had a couple of friends who were able to vouch for their quality and use them regularly

the good experiences I found outnumbered the bad

They appealed to me cuz of the discounts for quantity

I liked how they offered the clasps/straps as well (So, I didn't have to worry about finding and ordering those accessories and attaching them myself.)

NOTE THO: it's based in China, so shipping is kinda pricey depending on how much you get, and it'll take a while for them to get to you. Here's the notes I kept for my first test run

Vograce has a lot of options (to make things easier too, here's the tumblr post of a pic I took of the first charms I made) I really liked how they came out, just keep CMYK in mind and how printing will always be kinda darker (or lead to some colors being more saturated)

The charm looks a lil off shape wise cuz oops I took this pic an angle- but you can see how much darker his hair and clothes came out on the charm, so I colored the chibi with that in mind. It's good to test printing at home on just regular printer paper in color if it's possible. I printed and cut them out on the sizes I was thinking about ordering for them, and it really helped me decide.

(Anyway yes I love Vograce so far.... I just need to finish drawing more chibis to do a bigger order and hopefully set up a store/find audience....)

I know that ZapCreatives and Inkit Labs are other popular options for people. I've been in zines that have used either Zap or Vograce (or both depending on the kind of charm they want!). There's also people who go on Alibaba to find manufacturers, and while I know at least two manufacturers people use there, the process seems kinda intimidating and confusing to me. I also can't vouch for the quality of those manufacturers or know anyone personally who used them and liked it- so it'd be pretty weird for me to name them! (Vograce used to be only on Alibaba, but I think them having their own website now makes everything easier)

FOR ZINES-

I've only had experience as a participant and not a moderator, but I've been in zines that have used Lulu, Mixam, or PrintNinja. I know there's a few others, but their names slip my mind rn. I really like PrintNinja's quality btw, but they require a minimum of 250 so that's a lot..... It's also very expensive, so I really only see them used for collaborative zines with multiple artists/writers VS an individual

Lulu is....... lol it's fine. I use it to buy hardcover copies of my senior thesis. It's alright, but I'd like to try other places since Lulu didn't have a lot of paper options from what I remember. I usually don't know the kind of zine manufacturers the zines I've been have specifically used aside from a few (it's not something really brought up in the servers). I think their perfect bound and saddle-stitched bound books are good! I'm just not really a fan of how their hardcover feels.

I also know people that had a really bad experience through Mixam and had to switch to another manufacturer, even though I've seen others have good experiences with them. So it all depends...... I do need to look more into zine printing eventually....

I'm sorry I couldn't provide more info for the zine part of your question! but thank u for asking me and I hope that I at least said a few helpful things for you!

#arminiloveyou #ask #merch stuff #vograce #charms #idk what else to tag this with hhmmm #hope some of this was helpful!!

[zabim4ru]

2021 was quite possibly the worst year I’ve had since my mom died. I learned what it means to keep friends around that don’t treat you well or consider you as an option. I learned it’s not good to be passive aggressive with things that need to be spoken about. This time around if I ever make new friends that aren’t shitty people I’m going to speak my mind about things that bother me. It’s sucked so hard these past few months without having a best friend anymore but just cause I considered someone a best friend doesn’t mean they actually were. I don’t ever want to feel so manipulated by a friend again. I also learned I shouldn’t settle for someone just because it’s making me happy in the moment. No man’s dick is worth feeling like shit when they aren’t around. I don’t want to go back to feeling like I’m being used because I have money for food or have my own place to stay. Also going to learn that if someone approaches me and tells me my boyfriend is a piece of shit cheater, I ought to believe them instead of causing myself pain a few weeks later when they ghost me anyways because they’re a piece of shit person. I just want to be happy in 2022 and feel like I’m living a life worth living and to be appreciated and loved by the people around me. One thing that stayed consistent throughout the year was my family and I quite possibly would have killed myself if it wasn’t for them. One thing I am thankful for from this year was finding some kind friends on this website, they have made it so much easier to get through these past couple of months, you know who you are ♥️

Anyways, here’s to 2022 with hopefully better friends, and less insane boyfriends ✨

#just wanted to get this off my chest #about me #fuck 2021

[leonardo-capulet]

Pull Me Through || Cris & Leo

Who: Cristian & Leo Capulet

What: After a second, difficult therapy session Leo calls on Cristian’s help before slipping up, they meet up for coffee. Leo opens up about the most critical event in his past and makes mistakes. As usual.

Where: Unnamed Cafe

When: February 28th, 2022

Trigger Warnings: Just want to be careful so the TW are as follows - death, depression, PTSD, alcoholism... etc...

Cristian sat staring at the text as he sipped at his coffee, a mixture of emotions passing through him. He’d told Leo he would be there if he did therapy... and was relieved the Dominant was getting help— and communicating... But it didn’t change how confusing and difficult it was for the submissive to meet with him either. He needed to keep space to some degree— to make sure Leo didn’t rely on him too much, since it was obvious he still had feelings for Cristian... Something that again left Cristian with a confusing mix of emotions... And the last thing Cristian wanted was to be hurt again. His life finally felt semi normal again— and he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t enjoyed trying to date again and meet people. He’d been on a handful of dates with Dominants over the past few weeks, enjoying himself far more than he’d planned. Hell, he even was seeing Jian again after he chatted with Leo, much to his own surprise. He felt confident again, even if it wasn’t where he’d seen his life going perhaps. Did he still care about Leo though? Of course. He just didn’t want to lead Leo on... Or risk falling for the Dominant again. It would simply be too easy to fall back into old habits and give into the lingering feelings he still had for Leo— but it wasn’t worth the chance of getting hurt again. The submissive didn’t trust himself to recover a second time if Leo ever left him, and it was that thought that reassured him it was the right call to push purely for a friendship with Leo at this point. To help him... but make it clear he couldn’t be more. Sure He texted back. He had somethings he needed to do for work, but he could push them off till later in the evening. Where do you want to meet? Or would you prefer to call?

Leo hated the fact that he was feeling this weak. This broken down. Too many bad habits built up over years worth of time. He wanted to be someone better and stronger than all this. Although, he supposed, therapy was supposed to help with that. Everything hurt too much, bringing up the past only made him relive it. Perhaps, he shouldn’t have asked Cristian for company, but he had nobody else. He’d made sure to isolate himself from everyone. There was nobody else he trusted to speak to. Once again, he reminded himself that even if Cristian helped him, it was nothing more than friendship. Nothing more than being a good and kind person, someone far better than he could ever be. So, when the text came back, he stared at it for a moment swallowing back the relief he felt.

Coffee? Maybe? If that’s okay?

He followed that text with an address to the coffee shop he intended to go to, and made his way in that direction.

The submissive sighed in relief when he saw the coffee shop address wasn’t as far as Leo’s apartment had been. In the current traffic it would easily still take 30 minutes though, but he didn’t bother mentioning it if that was where Leo wanted to meet. His gaze darted to the coffee he held in his other hand, bringing it to his lips to finish off what was left. Did he need more caffeine at the moment? No, but he’d just get decaf or a tea, he muses to himself. Thats fine. Why don’t we plan to meet in an hour? That would at least give him enough time to finish up what he was doing and not rush there. Thankfully he had a while still before meeting up with Jian, so he wasn’t overly concerned for time.

When the next text came through, Leo checked his watch, and decided it wouldn’t matter if he was early. Better he was early than late, and he didn’t have time to go home first. If he did, he surely wouldn’t come back out and he didn’t want to sit in his apartment alone. That’s fine. I’ll see you in an hour, and thank you. Despite the lack of alcohol, Leo found himself slowly pulling himself out of the dark hole he felt he was in. Somehow, mentioning Alex, going through every single moment of what happened, it made him see things clearly. He wouldn’t have been able to save Alex. It was an unfortunate accident, unfortunate circumstance. Leo was surprised he was starting to feel less of the pain, less of the guilt, although it certainly weighed on him and he still didn’t completely relinquish the blame he shouldered. Arriving at the coffee shop some time later, he ordered a cup and found a table with the most privacy possible to sit, staring down into his cup as he thought over the session he’d had today.

Cristian arrived several minutes early, as was typical for the submissive. What he had not expected was to spot Leo already at a table off in the corner, coffee in hand. Quickly grabbing himself a cup of tea, he made his way over to join the older Capulet, giving a weak but polite smile as he approached. “Hopefully I didn’t keep you waiting too long.”

Having been lost in his thoughts, Leo hadn’t noticed when Cristian arrived. Lifting his head to see the submissive, he surveyed the smile on his face. It bothered him, seeing that particular smile. This wasn’t the smile that he was used to, it wasn’t the genuine smile that he’d come to love, and that made him feel uneasy. Trying not to show it, he shook his head, unable to smile as his mind was still reeling from his therapy session. His eyes lowered back down to the cup in his hand. “I wasn’t waiting long.” He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry to ask you to come, I didn’t know what else to do and... quite frankly... I’m not feeling very in control of myself at the moment.” Weak. Thats how he was feeling at the moment, but he couldn’t bear looking at Cristian knowing he wasn’t able to handle what was discussed in his session once again. He’d already seen Leo drunk, for the first time, now he was seeing Leo completely weak. The thought made him even more nauseous, but it was either have Cristian there with him and find a reason to continue pushing past the pain, or do this alone and likely fall into his old habits.

Cristian slid into the seat opposite Leo, lips curling into a frown. It was as he feared, considering the other's interest in meeting up. He really shouldn't have felt surprised. "I'm presuming.. You went to therapy then and it was a big much? Or is it something else?"

A heavy sigh escaped Leo, and his head dipped down lower. "No, it was therapy. We talked about it... it was the first time I've talked about it... about him..." Leo's fingers tapped on the coffee cup before he said the name out loud. "About Alex. I talked about what happened, everything that happened." He took a shaky breath and brought a hand to his face, covering it for a moment as he shook his head. "I know I shouldn't be bothering you... but the therapist suggested that talking about it would make it easier. Anyway, I don't expect you to be the one to listen to it all... it's just hard. Talking about it makes me feel like I'm reliving it all over again." Still, he didn't look up, or meet Cristian's gaze. This one event had changed everything, it had been the catalyst for everything that happened after, and all of Leo's terrible mistakes. "This was somehow harder to talk about than the military... maybe it's because it was the last thing to happen... maybe because he was family. I don't know. Maybe because I made the worst decision of my life after it... the first thing I thought about when I left this session? I wanted to drink. Then that made me think... when did I become the person who needed alcohol to cope? When did I become the man who got so drunk he could hardly function? I used to look at people like that, people who were too drunk to be in control, and I hated it. Then I became that. Bad decision after bad decision after bad decision... and all this because I didn't know how to face what happened... not the right way. And even now, I'm still sitting here in front of you, wondering if drinking wouldn't still make this easier."

“Oh Leo,” Cristian responded softly. One hand was wrapped around his drink, the other reaching out to gently lay upon Leo’s lower arm. “I’m sorry it’s so hard for you to discuss... but I’m glad you still went and tried, yeah?...” He gave the Dominant’s arm a gentle squeeze adding, “Alex isn’t an easy topic for anyone, Leo. But me or anyone else in the family will always listen if you need to talk about it... him.” Alex knew the risks. They all did. Leo just seemed to have trouble accepting that fact which had otherwise helped the rest of the family cope with the loss. Hearing the other discuss his drinking habits wasn’t particularly comforting though, and reassured Cristian he’d made the right call dumping what he’d found at Leo’s down the sink. “Drinking would not help this though. You’re a smart man— you know it was only delaying you thinking about it. Delaying reaching this point in the path to recovery, yeah?”

Feeling Cristian's hand on his arm was comforting, and he was grateful for the gesture. Still, Leo kept his eyes lowered and he merely nodded at what Cristian was saying. "I want to get better. I really do and I know that talking about this is going to end up helping... but it doesn't make today, and right now the easiest. I don't want to talk to the family. There's nobody in the family who knows... knew me better than you did." That was the truth, but Cristian had also made an effort to know him, and Leo felt comfortable telling him things, even if they were small bits of himself. Leo was aware he was difficult to truly get to know. "The only person I can see myself talking about this to always ends up being you, but I can't help feeling like it's unfair to you." He kept putting so much of his burden on Cristian, and the submissive didn't deserve all of that. Thinking about the drinking, the way the alcohol had made him feel, he nodded. "I know that now. I see what it was doing to me, and you're right, it was slowing down my ability to recover from it all. I just have to keep reminding myself of that, and I have to keep reminding myself that it'll get easier with time."

Cristian cringed first the briefest moment before forcing a polite smile again, somewhat grateful Leo’s gaze wasn’t on him 100%. It definitely felt a bit unfair to the submissive, but he understood Leo lacked many other options. It was unfortunate, and Cristian knew there was no way he could not help the other. “Well... the first step is recognizing that, Leo. Whether or not you can learn to control your drinking— or if it’s something you need to perhaps stop entirely, will be up to you. Nobody expects you to be perfect at it though. Trying to identify situations and triggers though that lead to that behavior is a good start.”

He could only shrug at what Cristian said at first. Then, finally, he said, "I expect myself to be perfect. It's like I told you before... I expect better from myself. I set high expectations for myself, and I expect to meet them. The drinking... that's going to stop. It has to. I just... today was hard, but I'll figure it out because I have to. It's just easier to make sure that I don't make that mistake again when you're here." Another shrug, and he pulled his arm away from Cristian, wrapping his arms around himself, and his eyes flicked up to the submissive before looking back down. "I won't talk to you about what happened unless you ask. It's not fair to you." He'd just talk about it with the therapist, it was easier that way. Lifting a hand, he ran his fingers through his hair again before sighing. "Sorry, for this and everything else. Seems like you were right, when you said I keep screwing you over." He let out a harsh laugh. "I fucked up, and now I'm asking you for help and support when I don't have any right to it. Yet, here you are, and I don't know why. I'll never be able to thank you enough for this... for the help, for even sitting here and listening to me."

The submissive couldn’t help the bit of irritation he felt with Leo’s type A perfectionist personality at times like this. “You know as much as I respect someone who tried to get things just right, it doesn’t make them a bad person or failure if it doesn’t always work out,” Cristian retorted, voice slightly more stern. “Stop expecting yourself to be so damn Perfect, Leo. You’re not and I’m pretty sure you’re aware of that right now more than ever, so why set an impossible goal?” He paused to bring his mug to his lips, frustrated that Leo had pulled away and was making excuses. “You may not be being fair to me, but you’re also not being fair to yourself, Leo.” He sighed and ran his free hand through his hair, tone relaxing when he realized he was beginning to feel a bit heated. “Look... I’m here now. I gave you my word I’d meet at times when it felt easier to just drink alone at home instead of go out. I’m not backing down on that, and I’m happy you felt comfortable enough to call me... I’m not going to pressure you to chat about your sessions, regardless of what your therapist suggests. You can, or we can talk about anything else that gets your mind off it if you want. But I will not sit here if you’re just going to keep putting yourself down, Leo.”

Cristian’s words were like a shock to the system. It wasn’t anything that Leo didn’t already know. He’d already thought about his impossible goals for himself. Still, hearing it from the submissive seemed to pass through whatever barrier he had stubbornly set for himself. “You’re right.” He said softly. “Maybe I set those goals for myself because I hope to reach something close to it sometime.” He finally looked up at Cristian, letting his gaze settle on the other for a moment before saying, “Funny, isn’t it, how I used to be one ridiculously cocky son of a bitch. But I find it difficult not to be hard on myself when I look at the mistakes I’ve made... and I’m not talking about all of those in the military, or even Alex.” He sighed bringing his arms back onto the table as he leaned forward slightly. “Do you want to know... what happened? What really happened, and why it bothers me so much? Because I’ll tell you. I’ll get it out in the open, whatever it is you want to know. Anything you want to know. It’ll be easier to be honest anyway.”

“There’s a lot I’d like to know, Leo,” the submissive responded after a moment, deciding to be careful about his wording. His mind immediately went to their breakup when Leo denied his focus being the military or Alex with his comments, though Cristian knew it could be several things. “But... what matters more to me is your comfort discussing all of this, and it being positive discussion versus something that’s only going to hurt you— both of us— more.”  He set down his tea and reached out again, reaching directly for one of the Dominant’s hands to clasp in his own. “I... I’m sorry you’re hurting... And that it took two years apart for you to feel you could sit down and try to have conversations like this. Yes— I was angry with you— and I think a small part of me still is if I’m honest.” His blowup seeing Leo at the bar was proof enough emotions lingered. “But I was mostly worried, Leo. Scared... Confused. And as much as I might like to know what happened, I’m just relieved seeing you here— alive. That’s much more important to me right now.” He gave Leo’s hand another squeeze, thinking back to a lot of his own therapy he’d attended that had helped him process Leo’s absence. He forced a sad smile, continuing, “I... already accepted that a lot was out of my control, whether I liked it or not. I think at this point acceptance of the past might be a positive step forward for both of us.”

Leo didn’t move away this time. His other hand covering Cristian’s. He let the submissive speak without interruption. His eyes lingered on their joined hands for a moment before looking back at the other male. “I understand why you’re angry with me, and I don’t blame you at all... and I’m sorry for making you worried, scared, and confused. What I did was wrong, it was selfish... I know that now, and I’m so sorry for that. I can only say if I could do it again, I would never have made the same choice.” He took a deep breath before continuing, “I am okay... I’m okay with discussing anything with you. So, you’re saying there’s a lot you want to know... and there’s a lot I’m wanting to answer. Just ask me whatever it is, and I’ll start there, I’ll answer whatever you need and I’ll do my best not to be too hard on myself. I just think once everything’s out in the open, maybe we can find some way to move past it... or maybe it’s just me that needs to find a way to move forward, either way... I want to talk to you, I do, even if it’s hard to say.”

Cristian shook his head, biting his lip for a moment as to not lose composure. Getting those apologies from Leo— a sober Leo— meant a lot, even if they didn’t undo the damage. But he didn’t come to the cafe to discuss what they had been. His hand began to feel uncomfortably warm and sweaty in the Dominant’s, and he found himself gently pulling it back, as much as it hurt to let go of the other’s touch. “Leo, I told you we could meet if you felt yourself teetering towards drinking and were alone. I thought... I thought you needed to talk about your therapy session. I didn’t come here looking for answers. Regardless of what I want or wanted to know, as I said I’ve already accepted what happened regardless. It feels like you’re trying to push this conversation though as if it’s going to magically fix everything for you.” He sighed, pausing and sipping at his drink again to buy himself time. “What... what do you want to talk about or tell me. Why don’t we just go with that?”

It was his own fault for changing gears. Leo nodded and as the submissive pulled away he clasped his hands together to keep them from shaking. No use in apologizing again for having changed the topic. “Okay. I’m just trying to hold it together, Cristian... but alright. Might as well rip off the bandaid and talk about what caused me to call you:” Leo focused his gaze on his coffee cup. He wasn’t going to make it through this discussion if he looked at Cristian. He’d already gone through the story once today, it was going to live on repeat in his mind for the coming days, talking about it now wasn’t going to make it worse. “Alright, well, I’ll just start with the day it happened since you already know everything before that.” They’d kept in contact when he was gone, Cristian was aware of everything that had passed before the day Alex died, before he caught the person they were tracking. “If at any point you need me to stop... just... just tell me and I will.... I’ll understand.” His hands unconsciously gripped tighter, as if the tighter he held on the more likely he would be to control his emotions.

Cristian was somewhat relieved when the tone seemed to shift, nodding in understanding. It was tempting to reach back out and take the Dominant’s hand again, but for now he wanted to see if Leo was strong enough to get the words out on his own.

Taking the submissive’s silence as a confirmation that he could start, Leo took a deep and shaky breath and launched into the story, beginning with that morning. The words started off slow, however it wasn’t until he got closer to Alex’s death that his throat tightened again. He closed his eyes, seeing everything as vividly as when it happened that same day. The series of events happening slowly. He could see each thing happening like a domino effect of events to the point where Leo could see what was about to happen, but it was too late. He wouldn’t make it in time to stop anything, he couldn’t reach Alex in time no matter how fast he ran, and he had run. He’d gone faster than he ever had before. Leo stopped then, at the part where he’d reached Alex. He tried to swallow, his hands hurting from how tightly he held them, but he could feel them still shaking despite his efforts not to. It took a moment before he continued on, all the way through capturing the man, but not after sustaining his own injury. Once he was done he paused feeling the grief as if it were new all over again. “Do you know why it was so hard for me? I know that they knew the risks... but I should have seen the warning signs sooner, and when I did realize what was happening, it was too late. I might have stopped it all if I’d just... paid better attention. I’m trained to do this, Cristian. I’ve saved plenty of others before, people who were family, people who weren’t as good as Alex, and I failed him when he needed me.”

The submissive’s eyes stung as he listened, not surprised at the topic but rather by the detail Leo went into this time as he retold the events. The big chunks of what had happened weren’t actually new... He’d been Tybalt’s personal assistant and thus had known almost as much as the Head of their house regarding the fallout after. And he’d witnessed the changes in Leo. Still, here was his ex blaming himself again for something that wasn’t his fault. Alex had known how dangerous it was when he volunteered, and he certainly couldn’t see the deceased cousin happy to see his family struggling to process his death still years later. “Leo, Alex knew these risks too,” he urged sternly, frowning. “He wasn’t a child. He knew, and as much as you blame yourself, it’s not your fault, sweetheart.” His hand reached back out cautiously, gently laying on top of Leo’s clasped hands. “Do you think he would want to see you blaming yourself? Letting your life come to a halt because of his? ... No, Leo. He wouldn’t, trust me. If- I had been who was with you, not him, and the same fate befell me, I would never want to see you struggling like this. Mourn me for a period of time, sure, but never to blame yourself for what happened. He would want you and the rest of the family to be happy and at peace... To enjoy Verona finally calming down and both our family and the Montagues at peace. You didn’t hurt Alex— those horrible men did. None of what happened to him is your fault.”

Tears brimmed his eyes before spilling over and he pulled one of his hands away fo rub his palm over his face to rid it of the tears. He cleared his throat and said, “I know... I know... but it doesn’t change how I wanted to save him... I wanted to save him so bad,” His brow furrowed as he tried to calm himself down. “I don’t know why it’s always me. Why do I have to keep seeing friends die? I know there’s nothing I can do to stop fate, but I still keep wondering... why wasn’t it me? Why them?” He shook his head and used his free hand to run his fingers through his hair. “I guess in the end that’s the real problem I have with everything. How much can a man see? It’s... God, Cris... it’s... the most awful thing I’ve ever seen, seeing a man die. It can break a man... seeing things like that.” And it had broken many men and women for centuries. He was merely one of many. “Maybe it’s not my fault... maybe no matter what I'd done I still wouldn’t have been able to change the outcome... but it hurts, and it just keeps haunting me, and I keep doubting myself and whether I’m good enough at my job. Should I be doing my job? And why... again... why me? These are all things that keep running through my head.”

Perhaps if Cristian had had more of a spine he’d have remained where he sat— but he’d always had a soft heart, wanting to help others. He may have come off as rude or boss at times, but he hated seeing sights like the one in front of him. Not wanting to deal with anyone who might glance their way, and wanting to comfort, Cristian pulled his hand away from Leo and held up a napkin to the other Incase he would want to dry his eyes. It was intentional, moving to stand then and repositioning his chair so it was beside Leo, effectively sandwiching the Dominant between himself and the wall, with thankfully only a wall in front of them. “Leo,” he repeated again softly as he slid into the chair. His arms immediately slid around the Dominant tenderly, not minding how tense the other felt and hoping he could relieve some of the other’s pain. How often had he cried over this alone? Hid it from Cristian in the past, even when he’d been there for him? “I’m beyond grateful it wasn’t you, sweetheart.” Maybe.... Leo did need a career change though? Something behind a desk similar to Cristian? Certainly less dangerous clients and assignments. He rubbed gentle circles on Leo’s back adding, “You’re excellent at your job, you are... but maybe you could look into something a bit easier down the road? On your heart, if nothing else, yeah? Being a personal bodyguard doesn’t have to be it for you, if you’ve had enough. And nobody would blame you for needing a change of pace.”

It took a moment to register that Cristian had moved next to him. Leo didn’t move at first, but eventually he leaned into the comforting touch. The calming effect that the submissive had was still shocking to Leo. He wondered if he’d opened up before he left, would he have figure this all out sooner? Would he started healing faster? It seemed like wasted time, so much wasted time. He registered a question, “You’re grateful it wasn’t me?” He thought over the potential of switching jobs. “Personal security is supposed to be the safer option. Maybe someday... I don’t know, I’ve been told I’m really good, really thorough at my job. I don’t even know what else I’d do... but it does almost feel like it’s only a matter of time. Kind of like a cat with nine lives. Like I’m still going on borrowed time.” Oddly, that didn’t bother him. The possibility that his time might come in the line of duty? Not a fear for him. It probably should be, but it seemed pointless for him to worry about something like that. Leo turned his head to look at Cristian. “Going to Verona was supposed to be safe for me. I was supposed to settle... finally find a home. I didn’t want to move anymore. Then all of that happened and I couldn’t face it, the death and the guilt. It’s easy to tell me that it’s not my fault and I understand why... it’s just going to take me a little while before I can believe it... Just... don’t give up on me yet, Cristian. I’ll heal, and I won’t hurt anymore. At least I’m not holding everything in.. I promise I won’t hold it all in anymore.”

Cristian sincerely hoped Leo would heal... And that the Dominant believed his own words. He had to bite his tongue though, holding back when he almost spoke his mind. You had a home in Verona. Me. Instead, he buried his own head in Leo’s neck for a moment himself, sighing. “That’s all... anyone can ask for, Leo. But yes— I’m grateful you’re alive— that you’re here,” he admitted And paused to pull back enough to look the Dominant in the eyes. “I didn’t imagine I’d ever even have you here like this to be honest. So perhaps it’s selfish... but I’m glad it wasn’t you. I have no regrets in regards to that line of thought either... Alex... he was family, and loved and is dearly missed. But mercifully... he wasn’t seeing anyone. He didn’t have someone waiting for his safe return like I was. Losing you would have been all of those things and so much worse, Leo.”

God, Cristian was so close, and as the submissive buried his head in Leo’s neck, he tightened couldn’t help but pull Cristian in close. Meeting the other’s eyes, he listened to the words being spoken and he tried hard not to read into it. Leo had come back to Cristian, but not the same. Instead, he’d returned a broken man, unable to work past the things in his mind. Listening to every word the other said only made him wish he could do something to make up for walking away. As he sat there staring back into those blue eyes he loved so much, he knew he shouldn’t do what he wanted to do. But if he could just kiss him again. Leo leaned in, feeling an ache inside him, one that yearned for Cristian. A million different things crossed through his mind, a million words, but none of them seemed sufficient after what the other had said. He knew in the back of his mind that Cristian didn’t want anything like what they had. He knew that whatever love he’d had for Leo, it wasn’t there anymore, and if love was there at all it wasn’t what it used to be. Only Leo was hanging on, and as he stared back into Cristian’s eyes he felt himself react before he could talk himself out of it again as one hand lifted and rested on the side of the submissive’s face and his lips found Cristian’s. He knew that he shouldn’t, worried he would push the other away, but in that split second as his lips met the other male’s he poured every bit of love and emotion he could. If it was the last memory he would have of him, he wouldn’t leave any questions. He’d always been the man to speak through his actions, and he did that now swallowing back regret and clinging to hope.

He knew he should have seen it coming. Cristian knew Leo still had feelings for him. His body tensed the moment he felt Leo’s lips against his own, frozen in shock. He reflexively relaxed a moment later, only to break the kiss when he realized what he’d— what they had done, eyes wide and glossy, face masked in shame. He was over Leo. He’d worked hard to move on— and the last thing he wanted was to relapse into the depression he’d worked so hard to climb out of after Leo left. The words fell from his lips defensively, despite the fact they were a lie. “I’m seeing someone.” His gaze flickered down to his lap, terrified of the other’s reaction. It wasn’t 100% a lie... Cristian had been dating around— though nothing too serious. Still, Leo didn’t know that, and as much as he felt like an asshole for saying it, it was the first thing that came to mind. “I-“ His throat felt swollen, practically choking out the rest of what he wanted to say. “I’m sorry if I misled you— I shouldn’t... I— I already told you, Leo... I think it’s better— healthier for the both of us if we work towards a friendship... And not rush into something that we might end up regretting.” He glanced back up, eyes wet as he forced a smile and added, “You mean a lot to me, but I don’t want to risk losing that, you know?”

God dammit. He shouldn't have done it. He knew he shouldn't have done it and yet... his body reacted without thought. Well. Now Leo would pay for, yet again, another thing he'd done wrong. He loved Cristian, loved. That wasn't an emotion he allowed for anyone. Apparently, there was a reason for it. The vulnerability that came with that? It was too much. He found himself thinking for a moment that he wished things had gone differently after all, Alex alive, him... well, it would have made things far easier. He felt guilty thinking that. The moment that Cristian said he was seeing someone, Leo tensed, feeling a cold wash over him at the realization. Cristian had moved on, of course he had. How could he forget? Leo would be paying for a terrible decision he'd made when he was in the worst possible mindset, and it was no excuse, but he hated it just the same. Even though the other was talking, Leo could hardly hear the words, hardly process what was being said as swallowed back embarrassment and disappointment. "No... no, it wasn't you. This was all my fault." He heard himself saying, as if it were coming from someone else. He meant a lot to Cristian. As a friend. Leo was going to have to learn to live with that fact. But he couldn't figure out how someone could live watching the person they were completely in love with, fall in love with someone else. How could he have thought that this was the best option? God, how could he be so stupid? His urge to leave was screaming at him, but being trapped as he was between Cristian and the wall Leo simply buried his face in his hands. What a fucking day.

Cristian frowned, feeling horrible as he watched the Dominant’s reaction. Shit. He immediately felt guilty for lying to Leo, but... But he’d kissed him, and Cristian was still trying to process the fact he hadn’t exactly pushed him off immediately. The fact Leo... he felt different yet the same— and there had been a scary desperation and love poured into the short moment. “Leo... Leo— look at me,” he urged, one hand moving hesitantly to the Dominant’s back again.

It was the way that Cristian said his name, a hand on his back, it had him turning his head to look at the submissive. His eyes meeting the other and swallowing again. He didn't know what was about to be said, what was about to happen, but he tried not to feel dread over what he'd done. His eyes ran over the submissive's face, fighting that urge to reach out for him once again.

“If you insist on taking blame, then please also accept my forgiveness, okay?” His hand moved from Leo’s back to gently cup the Dominant’s cheek for the briefest moment. “If this close of physical contact is too much for you, that’s my fault, and I’ll try to keep some distance if you’d prefer. I know I can be... touchy. I just care about you and don’t want you to ever forget that, alright? But I just.. don’t think I can offer you more than friendship, Leo.” He shook his head, explaining, “I’m not the same person I was two years ago. You said you loved me... But you love me from two years ago. A memory of me.” Cristian’s voice was soft as he spoke, reflecting on the fact Leo had also changed just as much. “I want to be there for you and help you get better, but using who I was two years ago as a crutch... I can’t be that person for you. I’m not him anymore.”

Leo's face softened, although his eyes were still sad, and he closed his eyes at the touch, savoring the feel of the submissive's hand on his face for too short a moment. "You have nothing to apologize for." He began, but after Cristian finished speaking Leo sat up straight, his eyes locked on the submissive. "I know you're not the same. I'm not the same. No person would ever be the same after two years, even if the things that happened for us hadn't happened, we still would be different." Leo didn't know the changes in Cristian but from the small bits of interaction they'd had he knew something for certain. "I love you. And yes, we've both changed... but the important things about you haven't changed. You're still good, Cristian, you're still incredibly good, and just what you've shown me so far? That isn't likely to change, but... if you want to be there for me as a friend. I can respect that. I'm not... well, you're seeing someone and it is what it is. I can handle whatever you give me, whether it's touchy, or not. I just know one thing... I don't want you to keep some distance. I would much rather have your support."

The submissive’s lips split into a genuine, relaxed smile at Leo’s response, utterly relieved. As much as he hated to lie to Leo, Cristian was scared of him and what they’d had— and how it had hurt. Being around him still made Cristian feel horribly anxious as if he was going to run off again at any moment — yet he couldn’t deny a small part of him was also thrilled, having missed him so. He knew it was probably unhealthy for the both of them, but Cristian silently felt his heart warm each time Leo mentioned loving him— words he’d missed for too long. If the little lie meant he could get to know Leo again without it being more then so be it. Was it selfish? Definitely. But in that moment, Cristian didn’t care. “You will always have my support, Leo Capulet. Always,” he promised.

#[convo: cristian 7] #tw: death #tw: depression #tw: ptsd #tw: alcoholism #//using Emarosa - Blue Reimagined song lyrics #kaythanx #Leo's self-para was posted earlier today that goes along with this

[islandpcosjourney]

Day 16 (pre-spring clean)

15th March 2022

Right, no chance of me falling asleep tonight, I’m staying over at work to write this before I drive home!

So, I hadn’t finished telling you about my day. Teaching in Ness then teaching in Carloway, leaving the dog at home each time. She’s getting much better at being left nowadays but used to be a right pest, moving things around and having “accidents”. She was left 4 times yesterday and good as gold she was. She still goes nuts when I come home, as if she thinks I was never ever going to return but by the final time yesterday she was like, och yeah, you again!

Last night marked the very first time we “met” as a choir – Carloway Gaelic Choir – in around 2years! Yes we did a lockdown video where I sang to my potatoes (we still maintain it was the best crop ever as a result), but we lost momentum after that and meeting on Skype (as we did for 10years) just wasn’t ever the same again. SO last night, we tried using Zoom and seeing each person with their video on, as opposed to just audio. It didn’t make a huge amount of difference as they’re all on mute anyway but to a certain extent when I was looking away from the piano, I could see them singing away in their blissful ignorance, without me correcting them. Asking if everyone was ok with that section was a tad easier as I could either see them nodding or shaking their heads rather than waiting for a cry to come out of the silence.

As I sit here typing, my dog just won’t leave me alone (she comes with me to work but stays upstairs while I’m teaching) and now I’m wondering if there’s yet another tick on her – yup, there it is! As soon as I find it and touch it, she’s crying away and licking me – “thank you mamaidh, now please remove it” but the tool is at home 🥺 and I had to calm her down by looking at her straight in the eye and explain that I’ll take all of the pain away later, but she’ll have to wait until we get home. Eventually, repeating that over and over, she gets the hint and lies down in front of the stove. I’ve always talked to her like she’s a human and I honestly think she understands better that way.

Back to choir…… So it was lovely to see folk online again and to get us started with this year’s Mòd repertoire but myself and our Gaelic tutor were feeling a little lonely on our own, with everyone choosing to attend on Zoom due to various reasons but then one soprano turned up halfway through – yay! Our covid cases at the moment are quite high so it might be a few weeks before people will feel confident enough to come out again, but fingers crossed sometime soon. Although we are a choir who started out online back in 2011, it’s not the same as socially meeting for a rehearsal and really, there’s no point in renting an area if we just continue online, as my home will do just fine for that. Still, good to get the 2022 season underway!

I had a most productive day again today with an early start to come over to town to teach online (clarsach & pedal harp, which are kept in my music room in Stornoway) and then I had hours to work on preparations for mine & Calum’s harp festival concert on the 11th of April. It’s only just under 4 weeks away and I had a bit of a nightmare about it the other night, but I can safely say after today that I am feeling lots more confident. Still not ready but a big chunk is safer than it was and will hopefully prevent any repeat performance of waking up at 3.30am and having to watch a whole episode of Grand Designs to “wind down” again to get a few more hours sleep before poochie needed out.

In saying that it’s now 9.30pm and I got distracted by my composition again, adding another section into it 😂Couldn’t help myself! Procrastinating with the harp – that’s something I haven’t had the pleasure of in years as I don’t live with my instruments anymore. I deliberately keep them at work, away from home life and I have to say it has affected my natural rhythm of creativity as I don’t just ‘stumble upon’ playing it or get ‘lost’ in the music and find hours have gone by where I haven’t even stopped for a drink. Speaking of which, Kevin did ask me earlier how my juicing is going and if I’ve been drinking enough and I can honestly say, no 🥴 I’ve only had 1 beaker of juice and 1 of water – oopsies. I’ve just been far to engrossed in my creativity today, not realising where the time has gone. I even have a sore back from standing in one position, playing, and writing on the laptop. The hot bath will be very welcome tonight and speaking of that, it’s really time to go home……as Hollags keep telling me! I’m not planning on coming into town tomorrow until the afternoon so I’m making the most of my time here, even if it is late. Nobody is at home waiting for me so I can do whatever with the time I have. Mind you in saying that, married or not, we should all do whatever we want with the time we have been given. Now I’m going to get all philosophical and “wise” hahaha No, I just mean that life is too short, and we should today what we want to do tomorrow. It’s so easy to say “the diet starts tomorrow” but does it? Why not today? Why not right now? Probably because we always want one more of everything. The fear of losing out. What’s that called in modern society now? FOMO? The fear of missing out. That’s it, but with food. We fear missing out on certain foods when we “diet” and that’s why dieting is not good because it doesn’t take into consideration everyday life. Coming across someone with a biscuit, the smell of food from a restaurant you’re passing by, the smell of a neighbour cooking soup mmmmmmmmmmm Can you tell I’m missing food a weeeeeee bit? I am already planning what favourites I’ll be having as soon as I’m done these 28 days, having a few days of eating before heading down to Edinburgh and juicing for another 10 days or so. It’s not good putting your body through too much at once so I always tend to break up the juice-only phases anyway, so my body doesn’t go into starvation mode and soak up every ounce of fat once it gets its hold on some digestible food again!

Anyway, home time! Poor hollags.

[jadespadegames]

I might have succeeded this monthly challenge, but even though 10,000 words a month is feasible, I felt like it required too much constant effort. Maybe I wasn't pushing myself hard enough, but regardless I'm gonna try and do only 250 words per day for the next month. Hopefully that will be easier on me while still pushing me to make progress.

Anyway, happy new year everyone! Here's to a better 2022 (:

#jade speaks