#anyway this is what ive been dealing with lately

[dayeongi]

Just some thoughts:

The dilemma, as I put it when I spoke to my therapist on Wednesday, is that I am so so tired of trying to fix and love and care for Alex as she is now. That there's this deeply ingrained belief that it's (I'm) not worth it and I'm irretrievably beyond having the chance of being happy with myself.

That no matter what, the bad things that happened to me and the way they marked me are never going away, not really, and I can't start from zero. There is no getting a second chance to do everything right (and is that even a fair thing to wish for? Nearly nothing of what happened to me was my fault). I have one life, no do overs, and it strikes me as incredibly unfair that only now when I'm 28, is when I'm starting to get the sense that it wasn't supposed to be like this.

No, Alex. It's not this miserable for everyone else (though sadly, it is for a lot of them).

I said to my therapist: "I'm not like this on purpose"

In manhwa, there's a very common trope. The villainess in a romance goes back in time. When you read through, it's clear these girls had a whole story of their own, and were set up to fail from the start. It's a constant race to avoid their literary fate, or to achieve revenge against those who set them up. When the "good girl" goes back in time, it's the same thing; usually a girl that dies after being bullied and used by those she trusted, armed with this knowledge now makes different choices, this time around. Sets boundaries, defends herself.

The reason I like the time travel fix it trope is that it soothes the need for this one thing I'll never have. It quenches my desire to say (all the time) "had I known back then, things would be different". The impossible wish that if I had at least known this much back then, I wouldn't have suffered so much, nor believed I was worthless, selfish, ungrateful, or any of the other awful words I was constantly given. Maybe, even if I'd gone again through everything while knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have been so hurt. I would have known it wasn't my fault, and I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve any of the violence. Not any of the hits, beltings and slaps, or the pulling of the hair. Not any of the neglect or verbal abuse.

Somewhere, I'm supposed to find strength in the fact that I was set up to fail and still survived, and mourn the fact that with the proper emotional intelligence, love, and support, I could have lived so much better. Find meaning in my life and eventual death as beautiful things that were worth of existence, despite the rocky path. To know all of this and still have to choose actively, every day, not to die. It's exhausting.

At 28, I feel both incredibly old, yet like a newborn.

#putting this on a read more asap #dayeongi life #anyway this is what ive been dealing with lately #cw childhood trauma #cw child abuse

[lemongogo]

sry i dont know what 2 draw anymore T_T . elendira portrait #999

#trigun #trigun maximum #elendira #elendira the crimsonnail #my art #im sure u can see it but ive been so uninspired w art lately T_T #ive tried to remedy it by just looking and observing. breaking down other works that i want 2 take direction from #but i tjknk its like . just jamming ME UPPP #and now im tjinking Too much ab it and psyching myself out #help me sorry i blow up the tags on every drawing i post ab my art struggles😭😭 #its like im whispering in here thouggh. just talking 2 myself and no one has 2 know except the ppl dealing w the same feelings #HAJAHA #anyways. i drew this just to say i finally drew smth agajn and im just going to be ok w it #like sure its not exciting but i like the colors and that shld be enough . OK !!!! #smth smth saw a post that talked ab how u get too in ur Head about this and then u dont share stuff and it becomes cyclical #and youll never get anywhere unless u just throw ur hands in the air and let it Be . #creating 4 the sake of creating . love and joy in sharing what we made and what we like #YAAAY #and bc i love elendira so much.. my go to girlie 4 art block #i need to draw her in fight scenes . i need 2 make art of her like sweaty and bloody yah . clenching my fist #maybe a livio fight scene bc i love it so much T_T

[skunkes]

might sound weird to say as a person with a couple ocs who have Big Horrible Event(s) in their backstories or as a person who has like 3 ocs total bc he sucks at writing and as a person who hopes their ocs arent too Boring with [the thing im about to mention] but the thing about writing [characters] and [people] is that like.

any little thing a person experiences can take up their whole existence... its actually something "fun" to experience as i meet new ppl and do more things. My friend had something happen that she'll be talking about forever. I had several things happen last year that ill never stop talking about, some of which other ppl think werent that bad actually. In the same way I'll forever remember about the way my sister accidentally insulted me almost 10 years ago, it's really interesting and Fun to find and assign smaller things like that to characters...its really Real. some people's dealbreakers are other people's solvable problems etc etc

#(as well as the opposite: Big Event that maybe shocks everyone around em but they genuinely werent shaken by) #though this one is more common and leads to those ''ohh i didnt know that was normal oops'' moments #talkys #inspired by recent me and friend events #and also recent events where i told sum ppl more stuff about Thing and they responded as if it wasnt a big deal. but it was to me. #and also how i thought a part of al's childhood backstory was kind of maybe dumb and not realistically as impactful as id expect #but i saw someone on reddit almost word for word write that as their experience and how its shaped em as a person #and thats it like... the small things are boring and hard to keep track of sometimes #its not like you'll include every single little event your oc was shaped by in their bio #but idk. its like Fun to piece together for fun. to mold a human being #ykwim? wld be silly to tell everyone ''oh my oc struggles with self image due to many instances like... when their sister called em ugly'' #or write it anywhere but it is fun to Know and have in your head. and its real ! #just like if a friend told you about something that happened to em #long post #delete later #sorry i keep saying stupid obvious shit lately ive always been bad at oc making AND socializing so im learning everything late #but anyway yes. idk even as i keep making ocs that are ''similar'' its like. every person so different #people can react to anything in any way for any reason. i love people #this is why i struggle a bit with keeping ocs to archetypes i guess bc like. what is ooc for an oc. people contain contradictions all the #time. you can change yourself at any time. #ok nobody will read this far so ill go to the real insane rambling #part of this has been a part of my chats with talon while trying to get him to share more info #like. yeah ok you're 400+ years old the things that happened to you were such a comparatively small part of your life #but humans dont live as long and think about small things until they die. i dont think time would heal all wounds actually. not all of em #some thoughts just always come to gnaw at your brain. its ok to not be over things. i feel ill never be over some things #and also complainerism can be fun but thats something else entirely wee hee ^_^

[theeio]

…yeah okay im burnt out

#also ty for your input on a previous post ive made ive read them all and taken them into consideration tysm🫡 #but yeah i havent been drawing for days my hyperfixtation got snuffed out for some reason my head is empty i havent been listening to music #any positive perception of my art has been thrown out the window #its a bit concerning bc this hasnt happened before #not all at once like this #i think its a sign i need to take a step back #ill go and touch some grass in the meantime #sorry for the lack of art lately ik its what you all followed me for and it must be disappointing #but anyway hope yall have been doing okay and taking care #💖 #vent #and as always if anyone has advice from personal experience to offer on how to deal with stuff like this im all ears

[lopsidedtreetrunks]

Happy 10th birthday to The Song Ever

#guys can u believe its been 10 years i feel so old bsksdjlka #ylvis #what does the fox say #my art #artists on tumblr #sketch #gonna write a novel in the tags now so: #i havent drawn anything in a few months bc ive been dealing with medical stuff #this sketch was supposed to become a full painting and it was gonna be awesome and the composition was gonna be great etc etc #this sketch has been in my files since late june lmao thats how long its been since i drew anything #so yes i am very disappointed that i couldnt finish it but since it's such a momentus occasion I thought I'd post this mess anyway :') #I just really wanted to commemorate it as (and sorry for getting all depressing here lol) ... #... it was kinda the last thing that brought me a whole lot of joy before a lot of shit started going on in the family that basically ... #... ended my childhood (metaphorically) #anyways i loved it when it came out i listened to it constantly along with their song stonehenge (which i still listen to occasionally hjsd #and truckers hitch when that came out about a year later i think #ANYWay sorry for rambling and being a sad little guy in the tags lol enjoy the art and listen to the song :D

[ankhisms]

can i be emotionally vulnerable with you all in the torture dungeon

#anyway. keep feeling weird in a specific way but not really wanting to talk about it with anyone but also not talking about it makes it #feel like its crawling under my skin. and its not necessarily a bad feeling i just have a fucked up traumatized brain that makes #feeling things weird in general. i feel things so strongly or else im numb and outside my body and often struggle #with being super aware of myself because of this. where its also like im in survival mode constantly know and it can be easy #for me to go numb and not feel things or else be just going into panic panic panic hell freakout but beyond that it can be very hard #for me to identify feelings and such and having sat with this feeling its like. ok i think ive identified this but it feels #weird for me and i dont know what to do with this. should i do anything with this. probably not. and that carries its own #various baggage and relation to other issues im realizing i said i was going to be vulnerable but now i am just being very #vague about everything im saying. as you can tell i have problems and am noy good at being vulnerable #tldr feelings are weird. ive been feeling weird lately in specific ways that i dont know how to deal with but its not really bad but does #relate to certain issues i have with myself but idk really what to do besides just feeling it and letting it pass #but sometimrs iy has made me want to bang my head against a wall

[raksh-writes]

Maybe this doesn’t need to be said, but Im feeling awful about it, so -- to any mutuals that might notice Im not following them anymore, I'm sorry about that. I've just seen too many posts on my dash that I have no way of blocking because they're not tagged in any way and they're distressing enough it's turning one of the only places I considered a safe space not safe for me anymore. So for my own mental health, I had to unfollow. I Will refollow in the future and I still love y'all, but I just-- I can’t. Ive been noticing some very worrying stuff about my mental and emotional state and it's just too much currently. I hope it's at least an understandable decision, and I wish y'all are having a good day out there 💗

#personal #I know its important to keep up with current events #but life overall's been a bit too much for me lately #I should prob go back to my therapist #I haven’t seen her since I went back to uni #for one because I didn’t know my schedule when we last meet and we both thought this should balance me #finally having purpose again and doing what I actually enjoy #but I also don’t have a job now so its costs and... I don’t know #but I probably should now that Im thinking maybe its time to actually get medicated for real #tho first maybe I should just visit my family doc and ask for those vit d supplements my therapists talked about #see if thats gonna be enough #autumn (and winter) has always been an awful time for me in terms of mental and emotional health #but it feels even worse these days #like Im battling against depression every day recently and rarely anything works to distract me #which is why its been hard to get back to peels in dms and such too #I was meant to meet with a friend now that Im studying in a city she lives in but I have yet to get back to her #and it feels like I have not only Zero but like Negative energy and motivation #+ Ive been dealing with an upset stomach for Weeks now #no matter what I eat it feels weird and achy and barely anything tastes good for me already so now its even worse #anyway this turned into such a rant Im sorry #I just didn’t want the lovely peeps Ive been mutuals with for a long time to think I stopped liking them or smth #its just certain untagged posts that I would otherwise block if I could #and I dont wanna impose onto anyone like a 'rule' to tag them or whatever #so yeah this is just temporary #hopefully at some point I get better enough to survive the couple distressing posts heh...

[bunnyb34r]

I'm so burnt out my dudes

#explains why the past two weeks ive been at my limit/only have like 2 spoons to deal with after work and by god do they go fast #like the tolerance i have for anything is so low lately and im sure it's autism burnout :/ #and idk what to do ab it bc i can't bring up the tism to my therapist bc oh youre not autistic. bitch i mask well ive had to for 20 years #straight! and i only talk to you for an hour once a month so like... how would you know #anyway i have 0 tolerance for like anything anymore and it's so frustrating #and sometimes i give into that and will seek out shit that will make me mad so i have SOMEBODY to blame my anger on #i dont interact other than reading/lurking but i sit here irl bitching to myself like 'yeah that happens bc youre a little fucking brat' #and most of the shit is stuff id roll my eyes at and scroll past in a good/neutral mood! but the burnout brain is like no theyre doing this #on PURPOSE they're like this to piss me off specifically. and it's like... how do i channel this energy into a non harmful way when #im so fucking burnt out? aside from stepping away from social media bc id seek it out elsewhere lmao trust me id pry ab my #cousins bc they are so fucking stupid and rude and the 'perfect' ones to latch onto and bitch ab bc my brain needs something to #justify this rage and anger and it's so stupid but sometimes that anger feels good? idk it's stupid but like i said i never interact #directly bc im not an asshole lmao im not gonna like call my cousins and be like lol yeah thats all your fault xoxo hope that helps bitch! #marquilla #idk where i was going with this lmao #this barbie has autistic burnout!

[andiaquarium-moved]

going to be vulnerable for a second here. straight up i still dont know how to deal with being a grooming victim

#aaand post #my memory of everything that happened to me was blocked off for so long so ive been having to process all of it the past month n a half #and well. its still killing me i really wish i didnt have to deal with this shit but what can you do yknow #im just really pissed that its going to effect me the rest of my life. like oohh my whole perception of myself and others is just #totally fucked now cuz of ONE PERSON. like come on dude #whatever. anyway! thats whats been haunting me lately

[percyjacksonfan3]

Okay I will admit I was nervous going into Chalice of the Gods but I did love it

#ive been so distanced from the riordanverse since blood of olympus and i was very scared because this book is my og babies again #but rick pulled it off #were there things i didnt like? such as him forgetting Percy wore the invisibility cap before? yeah #and i wish there had been some more dialogue and meaningful conversations between characters. he's still shying away from that lately #which is disappointing #but im intrigued about what hes setting up and the little moments hes weaving in #we're still getting hints of percy's extreme power. like him with the river god? #rick what does it all MEAN #dont be a coward and commit to it #plus percy's growing resentment towards the gods and their treatment of everyone they see as less than them #give me the dark!percy storyline #but i also loved percy wavering on new rome (sorry girlies i am a new rome hater first and foremost) #and him mourning the fact that he wont be at chb much anymore #which i still think is so stupid but whatever im dealing with it #i loved all the callbacks to the og series. bit surprised rhea was introduced so casually but whatever #i feel like that could have been very cool #and the god of old age! gary! THAT was a great scene but again rick you can give us more #its okay the feelings and emotional dialogue wont hurt you #anyway im hopeful #this was just a first book in a trilogy so im hoping we'll get more into the deeper and darker themes as we go just like with pjo #you can do it rick #riordanverse #pjo #percy jackson #percy jackson and the olympians #chalice of the gods #yes i finally read it today because i am finally reading again after weeks of work kicking my ass

[nerdie-faerie]

I have got to get worse at my job cus no way can keep letting them rely on me like this

#work tag #got on shift on Sunday and my manager pulled me aside when i clocked in to say thank god youre here i need you on front theyre an absolute #mess over there theyve got orders waiting nearly twenty minutes i need you to figure out whats going on and whip them into shape i know you #can just get all those order out right away just put them where you want them so you can clear that screen. and i did sort it in under 5 #despite there having been 3 people on front before i got there which is more than enough people to deal with just 6 orders and yet #and today several people called in sick and one of my managers asked if i wanted some extra hours i said depends when she was like just #until ten tonight which is only an extra hour later than i finish but ive already expressed im not comfortable finishing at 9 for only a #8 hour shift cus its an hour walk back and thats far to go by myself in the dark but i agreed anyway one of my other managers then asked if #i was okay to get home if i stayed that late cus obviously there must be a reason i dont usually stay that late i was like im only walking #so it doesnt really matter but it is gonna be late to be walking back but its fine manager then comes back again and asks if i could stay #til 11 ive only done an 11 once before when they were understaffed again and she did the same but i was wary to agree to the 11 cus thats #reeeally late to be doing such a long walk by myself again other manager is like you dont have to agree to anything youre not comfortable #with then argued to the manager that ive got to walk home and i shouldnt stay however im thinking it over as i make my break and approach #the actual shift runner for this evening and suggest i stay until 12 instead cus thats when my work bestie is finishing and if we finish at #the same time i can then walk back with her instead of just doing the 10 and honestly i need the hours but i shouldnt be so relied on tbh

[silverislander]

fully intended and foreseen consequence of coping better with my anxiety is that this blog will at some point inevitably become More Cringe and that point is SO close on the horizon. if you get mad at me for posting things i like on my blog that is for me you clearly have more issues than i do for worrying abt that possibility for hours on end

#its tumblr were all cringe here. fucking grow up or leave genuinely #also i literally tag everything im into + trigger tags too. block tags or just unfollow me theres no hard feelings i prommy #anyway. ive been falling back into creepypasta which ive mentioned before i was super into as a teen! fun stuff #i love that the fandom is still alive and doing fun new stuff :') theres such good art out there!! and character interpretations!!!! #and ive also gotten really into league lore over the past few months actually. the arcane fixation has morphed #basically it went 'this character looks cool whats their deal. whats this region like. oh another neat character lets look into that' #and then suddenly i know too much™️ bc hyperfixations for me are about gathering information and stories like a raccoon #i have FEELINGS about it. post probably incoming soon abt that #and BRIAR!! shes a little gremlin i kind of love her already #levi.txt #will i delete this in the morning? lets see #but for real tho. im doing really good lately. things arent perfect but i feel like a person for once #i can talk to strangers without acting like a trapped prey animal! it turns out im fucking funny actually! people like my jokes #im SLEEPING again. regularly. that was an issue for nearly a year and im doing ok again (not perfect but hey! ~8hrs!!) #i can just. sit around in public now and not feel like im on a hidden camera show where everyone is judging the way i breathe #slowly switching from self deprecation 'i want to die' jokes to 'im literally gods favourite prince and the hottest bitch alive' #i still get really nervous but it doesnt feel like a personal flaw and it doesnt feel insurmountable anymore #so yeah naturally thats going to come with (hopefully) a lot less shame around things that i like #just asking kindly that people are normal abt it. this is me thriving i guess

[todayisafridaynight]

I feel like it would be fun to see Leo's actor in Mole Song Final play Ryuji... that's the only person that comes to mind 😭😭

BUT YEAH 4 was the first mainline entry with (proper) faceclaims! I would kill to see faceclaims get to play their characters. Because they actually aren't mocapped by them, just voiced and scanned in--the acting is all done by RGGS' mocap actors. If you're mentally ill enough you'll start to notice acting decisions that differ from what the actual actor would've gone for; Arakawa doesn't cry the way Nakai does, for example. NGL the animations get kind of uncanny at times if you're too mentally ill so I would not recommend paying quite that much attention lol

I was trying not to think about it though because even if we By Some Miracle got to "season 7" (8 if they do 0) it's entirely possible Nakai and/or Tsutsumi won't be acting anymore by then 😭😭😭😭😭Tsutsumi wants to start directing by the time he's 60... That's chiefly why I kinda wanted it to be an adaptation of 7 before we knew any of the specifics... But Oh Well, it is what it is

ANYWAYS. Very excited for stream tomorrow and best of luck getting stuff done for today :D

YEAH LIKE UNDOUBTEDLY he gave such big ryuji vibes and had an epic presence..... if i allowed myself to dream just this once he would be a real good contender for ryuji......

ohhh yeah nonono ive definitely noticed DONT WORRY. whenever i draw or write fics, i always try to imagine the actual character first to see if the expression or dialogue fits them and if it's believable. having dove more into tsutsumi and nakai movies and shows, the difference is REALLY apparent to me (in that vein tho, it's easy for me to see them as individual characters as opposed to actors playing characters, so it's a little bit of a win for me somehow lmao)

YEAH NOOO THATS DEF A VERY LIKELY POSSIBILITY SHOULD THE SERIES SOMEHOW GET TO THAT POINT IN THE GAMES. again i doubt we'll actually get that far, but in the rare event that we do i hope nakai and tsutsumi do whatever makes them happy (and id def be into seein a movie directed by tsutsumi) (❁´◡`❁)

I REMEMEBR THATLKVJELK WHICH ONE OF YOU FIENDS SENT ME THAT FANCAST SITE IN THE FIRST PLACE ☠️☠️☠️☠️

#snap chats #i always get awkward about drawing characters based off real people #i have scopophobia so As A Branch Off That my irrational fear is always actors or voice actors seeing fanart i do of their characters #(doesnt make sense for me to stream in that regard but its a type of exposure therapy you see) #its just doubly awkward when i do end up drawing their face uh like. a million times cause now i look insane #IT'S A VERY UNLIKELY POSSIBILITY I KNOW but still.. im addled with irrational fears we know this already #but yeah no. over time i've noticed the small 'quirks' nakai and tsutsumi have while acting so i understand totally #makes it awkward when i do keep those quirks in mind when making stuff huh. cant be helped (´▽｀ ;;;;) #its just once i KNOW its like. i cant go back cause now it'll feel Not Right. as if THATS a thing #but yeah speaking of stream. hopefully things go well again i look forward to talking to everyone again (❁´◡`❁) ! #i do better verbally talking I Think because when im typing things out i overthink and end up taking nine years to respond or send a messag #cause with talking you HAVE to commit to what you said unless you just wanna stutter and murmur the whole convo #with typing i can take my time and then i take TOO much time and get nothing done #it's a double-edged sword kind of deal but anyway... still stoked :] #i didnt even start drawing my mini comic yet i was too busy makin a mitsu ref sheet since ive been drawing him lately. I GUESS. #i wont draw him much i imagine but... just in case right...

[timeisacephalopod]

I saw a post the other day that kinda pushed back on the way all coming of age movies are about sexuality and all high school stories basically center around who wants to fuck who and how that's like. Not really all coming of age and high school stories should offer since you know. Youth isn't about who you have a crush on and probably coming of age stories in particular should be far more diverse in subject matter than they are.

Honestly as someone who, when I was 'coming of age' age, hated coming of age stories and still do for the exact reason listed above (see the weird scene in It where we all sexualize a 13 year old girl because boys have crushes and surely there's no other way to portray this than feeling a child up with a camera to demonstrate boys have ~feelings~ Bev gets no equivalent scene because she's the object of affection rather than the subject feeling desire) I also wish there was diversity in those stories. And coming of age stories about adults- we don't stop going through huge life moments that change everything forever, but back to kids. When I was a kid I could have desperately used a coming of age story where the character has a sick and dying parent who does die by the end of the story and what happens after that. Granted I did just fine without it, but even without being asexual it's always irked me that coming of age stories don't seem to appreciate that kids have way larger problems and way better stories to tell then first crushes and first kisses for shit sake give kids who went through what I did as a kid some kind of story about what happens when your parent gets cancer and how complicated that is and stop assuming the biggest thing that happens around puberty is discovering sexuality that, if you were queer, you probably already noticed what you felt wasn't in a coming of age story anyway.

#winters ramblings #id actually LOVE to see a coming of age story about an immigrant child moving to a new country #and have the coming of age center around THAT instead of these bizarre vaguely adult explorations of sexuality #that honestly ive never related to anyway like maybe the allos get it but even THEY deserve more diversity in stories #SURELY even your local allos have a dad dying of cancer they desperately need to know what to do with #like deadass a therapist told me at 26 i was robbed as a child because of what i went through and i STILL cry when i think of that #but no coming of age is all sex shit because children according to adults dont have real issues #which tells me adukts writing the stories are MASSIVELY privileged or stunted by execs or straight up assune kids wont watch #a REAL coming of age story. also i want a coming of age story about a 40 year old who is going through a career change #and the struggles that come with late career change. the benefits of a late career change. all the complicated family goo around all this #just give me decent stories that arent too focused on fycking RELATIONSHIPS for once. have them there sure i dont care #but for FUCK sakes can we stop pretending a 13 year olds biggest concern us who they have a crush on?? #my dad was DEAD and i knew only one other person who lost her mom way younger than me at 8 #we did not understand each other and how could we when our situations were so different. BOTH of us were so highly alienated #because NO ONE not even each other could relate to a lot if the people around us. the only thing we DID have in common #was the sick feeling we got when someone would bitch about their parents having fair expectations or not giving them literally everything #we both had an 'at least you HAVE parents to hokd you to reasonable standards and all you do is SQUANDER it' even if our feelings werent #faur to our peers anymore than their feelings were fair to us. wheres the coming of age story about THAT #tell me a story about a 16 year old whos mom has been dead HALF her life already like my friend. i was lucky enough not to deal with that #until i was 24. she deserved better out if high school and coming of age stories too. believe it or not kids have REAL lives and problems #and im SO tired of no one writing anything but some sad kids books about it even if the books are SOMETHING to start with #like for shit sakes must NICEthat the worst thing YOU went through was realizing you had a sexuality but my queer ass #ALWAYS knew i was different and highschool highlighted that a BUNCH so unless we're exploring aroace teens that doesnt appeal either #great yet ANOTHER story about straight teenagers because THEYRE the ones who need guidance on how to express themselves #like they dont see strsight people storoes and sexuality EVERYWHERE plus the ACTUAL opportunity to date in high school #that most queer kids dont get or dont get in the same way. why is THAT the only story being told when its the most saturated and BORING #and also ignores that kids have REAL issues and NO angency. explore THAT. do ANYTHING but yet another fucking coming of age story #about straight kids having crushes on each other and thats IT like come on SERIOUSLY

[despite-everything]

hmmm

#okay so for the past decade ive understood i deal with psychosis and delusional episodes #but this fucking woman (who was totally awful) who did a separate psychiatric eval on me said #that i was under the 'psychotic umbrella' but not schizophrenic #but um. ive been looking through shit lately and i think that i actually am schizophrenic? #cause i dont have bpd and my syptoms go far beyond the scope of a psychotic episode due to major depressive disorser #this doesnt really change anything for me but its kinda nice to know #and even if her evaluation in the moment was accurate #that was 10 years ago #so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #but hopefully knowing this will help my closest friends handle my episodes a little easier #and anyway. what the specific diagnosis is doesnt really matter #but if the coping skills & support stuff works then its all good #tree talks

[ajdrawshq]

gonna be real here folks i think smth might really be up with me. in the physical sense this time . ouchie

#is it that ive never fully noticed or is this a recent development. im not even sure at this point #hm.. the chair i usually sit in does have zero back support but u would think that itd be noticable . earlier ? #ngl part of me wonders if i Did catch covid sometime and im dealing w the longterm shit now #itd make sense. unfortunately #but ive also but tired to the point of passing out in classes since senior year. maybe late junior year even #so yknow (shrug emoji) #that means ive been feeling like this for . good lord its been over 2 years. 3? #kind of. depressing. now that i think abt it. what happened to me #can one event cause this much or was it a bunch of things piling up...... hm........ #anyway. on top of the usual fatigue my back has been noticably hurting for a few weeks now . mmm not great #i already have a hard time w sleep n now just layin down hurts can i Please get some some rest . plea se