#anyways i am glad i dont hang out with people who think about me that way but i also dont like having a bad reputation when i

[faultsofyouth]

the early 2000s movies were right...... they Will call you a whore even if you don't have any sex with men

#my posts #they were warning me............ i didnt understand #thats so lame im not even hot like all those 2000s era ladies why am i still getting objectified v_v theres no escape #anyways i am glad i dont hang out with people who think about me that way but i also dont like having a bad reputation when i #for real did not do anything scandalous. my sex life is nowhere near interesting 🪦

[softlysunrays]

━━ for the first time

pairing : ellie williams x fem!reader

warnings : used of yn & she/her prns for r (sorry), ASS WRITING & ENDING EUWEUWUEWUEW, not proofhead & i also write this at 3 am till 5 am lol, i have another vision in my mind but i js couldnt write what i have in mind..... so bear w me

dividers : @idontgetanysleep

DAILY CLICK

DONT BUY TLOU

WAYS TO HELP PALESTINE

It's been years since both you and Ellie broke up, it was her decision. 

The two of you were still young and naive, you two were fourteen and Ellie had to go. 

"I guess this is it," said Ellie as she fidgeted with her fingers. 

"Don't say it like that, who knows we can see each other again in the future" you tried to say excitedly, but deep down you knew this might be it. 

This might be the last time you two see each other.

But you have hope that she won't be gone forever. 

Your eyes start to get blurry because of the tears well up in your eyes and Ellie pulled you in for a hug, that didn't last long.

You remembered the warm embrace of Ellie's hug. You had felt like you wouldn't let go and were hesitant to let go herself. Ellie looked at you for the last time, she remembered thinking how beautiful you were at that moment. 

You let your hair down and you wore that ugly sweater of hers, that she had given you before.

But that was a few years ago, now you're twenty-four and alone in Jackson. 

You went to Jackson a year after Ellie left Jackson to live somewhere else for peace. You worked as a teacher during the day and would help heal and clean the wounds at night. 

Everybody adores you. 

Why wouldn't they? You are you. 

It was a cold, dark and windy night yet it was filled with waves of laughter and joy by the residents of Jackson. 

There was a party that night, everyone was enjoying themselves and welcoming the new people but somehow a pair of green eyes caught your attention. 

Could that be her? You thought to yourself.

You shook your head to get the thought of your head but it didn't work like that so you insisted on another drink and a night walk to get a breather from all of these overwhelming feelings. 

"YN!" Maria yelled out your name while she gave you a big smile. 

"Come here! I want you to meet someone" she continued saying. 

You smile at her as you take the drink from the bartender guy and walk towards her. 

As you walk towards her, you swear you've seen that girl before but where could it be?

"YN, this is Ellie. Ellie, this YN" Maria exclaimed. 

Ellie?

"Hey, uh I'm Ellie," she said nervously as she stuck out her hand for you to shake it.

"Hi, as you know, I'm YN" you shyly smiled at her and shook her hand. 

She smiles at you back.

"YN, she used to live here back when she was probably 15? or 14?" explained Maria.

"I'm so glad that you're back, Ellie" Maria gave a pat on Ellie's back. 

"Oh, and YN, I hope you don't mind that she's living with you now" she informed you with apologetic eyes. 

"Oh, it's fine I'm dying to have a roommate anyway," you said jokingly.

"Come, I'll show you the way to our home" you lead the way. 

Home, home, home.

Ellie craved that, home.

As you two walked out of the bar, you looked at the sky. It was dark and cloudy and somehow you could see the moon glistening, hanging from the sky.

Ellie noticed you were shivering and she looked at what you were wearing.

You noticed Ellie eyeing your sweater - the one she once gave you years ago

"So... What was the occasion for the party?" Ellie asked as she looked at you. 

"Oh, it was not much really, just welcoming the new people which by the way, welcome back" you answered her. 

Ellie let out a faint 'oh, thanks' and you two walked in silence until she just couldn't help but blurted out how familiar you were, to which you replied "Do I, now?" to her with a playful tone.

"Yeah, she was my first love and the most beautiful girl I had ever seen" Ellie confessed and you just stood there and listened to her.

"Tell me more about it, if you want of course" you softly said to her.

"You know, I used to have the exact same sweater as yours but she liked it so much that I just let her have it and also, because, I want her to remember me."

"I want her to remember that I was in her life, at some point." Ellie continued.

"And what if I told you that she remembered you, all too well?" you questioned her.

Ellie was shocked, you could see it in her eyes when all the dots were finally together.

You are her, the girl she thought was the most beautiful.

You're her first love.

And you are here, with her.

With Ellie. 

And you are still as beautiful as she saw you for the last time.

"It's so weird seeing you wearing that sweater. It's like seeing you wearing it for the first time, again." Ellie murmured. 

As Ellie spoke, you felt your heart skip a beat. You try not to look at her to hide the blush that creeps up on your cheek and chuckle, "I love wearing it because it reminds me of you, and all the fun times we had together and also it keeps me warm".

"Did it? You were shivering" Ellie let out a laugh.

"Maybe you should give me a hug to warm me up," you said smugly.

"Maybe I should" Ellie smirked as she pulled you by your belt loops with her index finger before pulling you in for a hug. 

REMINDER !!

that neil is a zionist and therefore dont buy his games, doesnt matter remastered or not !!!

before you leave, have you DONATE TO PALESTINE today? ITS FREE TOO !!

#written by dayana ❦ #I HATE THIS EUWWWWWWWWWWWW #this did NOT do it JUSTICE BVROO #ellie williams #ellie williams x reader #ellie williams x female reader #ellie williams x you #ellie williams x y/n #ellie x reader #ellie x fem reader #ellie x you #ellie x y/n #ellie williams drabble #ellie williams fluff #ellie williams fanfiction #ellie williams imagine

[riacte]

Space Opera AU dashboard simulator

🥧 syrupstars Follow

Anyone else think that Red King racer is a little... y'know... fruity?

👑 falsewellsupremacy Follow

He literally says "ladies, gentlemen, everyone in between, get in line" so I think that answers your question.

🥧 syrupstars Follow

What about the "#Ally4Life 🏳️‍🌈" on his Twilight handle?

👑 falsewellsupremacy Follow

I genuinely have no idea. Maybe he thinks it's about him being an ally to cishet people

#idk ren's just like that sometimes #void knows what he's doing #also prev tags you do not want to get into the black hole of who ren has dated #he has rumours with 3/4 of the grid #edit: WHO MENTIONED BAD BOY TEENAGE REN IN MY NOTES #the shippers are here... oh no #edit 2: not ren at the club.

74 notes

🛑 bluebatshater Follow

oh my voiddd ofc That Duo got p1 again... i need them to dnf in the race. i hope they crash and burn and die and i need crastle to get podium for ONCE. i am so mad. i am calling for the goddess tsuki to curse them. dnf dnf crash burn DIE

🌻 lesbianlumian Follow

the goddess tsuki LITERALLY protects racers and that's why they pray to her? you think the goddess tsuki, creator of lumians, will curse an actual lumian? be so fucking fr

🛑 bluebatshater Follow

if you dont have anything productive to say get off my post. freak

#those blue bats stannies are SO ANNOYING THEY ARE EVERYWHERE #they're overshadowing all the other teams #cant even be a bitchy hater in peace #salt #negativity #hateposting

12 notes

🔮 queenofstarz03 Follow

OMG FALSE IS SO PRETTY SHES MY QUEEN OF HEARTS OMG OMGOMGOGM 💖💖💖💖💖💖 i tihnk im gonna pass out. HER HAIR FLYING IN THE WIND AND HER RED FRECKLES AND HER SMILE WHY IS MY HEART BEATING SO FAST and Ren is hot I guess he's tall like a ferris wheel

🔮 queenofstarz03 Follow

Looking at posts from five years ago is funny like how did I ever believe I was straight

🍦 jelliepopsicle Follow

OP, I think I recognise your url... did you write that viral Bad Boy Ren x QoH fic on Launchpad?

🔮 queenofstarz03 Follow

💀 Shut the fuck up right NOWWW!!

#STOP MENTIONING THAT FIC I WFOTE WHEN I WAS THIRTEEEN!!! #everything before my gay awakening is not canon. sorry #tbh... as much as a nightmare it was i kinda miss that stupid fic #it was from a simpler time #now im in university trying to contact my groupmates and i think one of them got lost in a blackhole last tuesday (again) #sigh. this keeps on happening to me #my cousin worked on one of the moons last summer for two weeks and came back like he'd aged six months #my friend's ex got sucked into a black hole and was briefly spaghettified but they managed to revive her and she gloats that she's finally taller than my friend's ex #whoops sorry for dumping in the notes #anyways. bad boy rk x good girl queen of hearts. awful idea. even more awful fic. yet i wrote it #i regret everything and nothing

25 notes

🗣️ peace-and-planets-deactivated63891092

PSA: Sunblr user @/summerheavens writes RPF of the Exterra 1 racers. She is a big name fan in the Miraculous Laserbug fandom so I thought you all would like to know. This is gross and disgusting behaviour and I implore you to stop.

🍬 summerheavens Follow

umm @/peace-and-planets i literally saw your kudos on my fic. the evidence is out there. girl what are YOU doing at the devil's sacrament. what are you doing on my roseduo rpf titled "hang your head low in the glow of the vending machine (we're not trying)".

but i'm glad you liked it enough to give it a kudos ^_^ will certainly be putting more on the starchive!

❄️ justwingit Follow

LMFAOOOO OP DEACTIVATEDDDDD 😭😭😭 sunblr user got killed by a rpf author. if you're gonna secretly read rpf maybe not leave a kudos?????

🚀 exterrablrheritage

Exterra 1 Heritage Post

⚡ littlewoodbabygirl69

It's been ten years since this post... @/summerheavens are you okay after recent developments

🍬 summerheavens Follow

am i okay? is ANYONE okay??? in these trying times??????? with the most chaotic gp to ever exist?????? i am PULLING OUT WIPS i dropped out of respect ten years ago. i've got to send my kid to daycare but once i'm done you bet you're seeing me on the starchive. miss swift even dropped her 20th album just in time for me to use lyrics as titles. i am LIVING and i am THRIVING

#ohhhhhhhhhh #let's go #also can't believe taylor finally addressed the vehicle manslaughter rumours from like twenty years ago #how fitting #also littlewood needs to get his shit together #why does he look like he's the one who hasn't seen his man in 32738102371 years and got his soul shattered #he's weak and won't survive the winter

27,408 notes

🧈 butteredbread Follow

WHAT is wrong with that lykos. i desire him carnally

🌳 treebark

@/handoftheking

🪓 handoftheking

I mean... yeah. Let's face it, we're all like that 🤷

⭐ nonbinarystar Follow

MR LITTLEWOOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

#WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM #I HATE HIM SO MUCH #PARASOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS CAN ALSO BE ABOUT HATE #THIS GLOWSTICK MF IS MY WORST ENEMY #he just canonised treebark for the sixth time #also prev tags so real #need to slingshot him into a faraway galaxy

34,091 notes

🫃 spaceshipmpreg Follow

Who put that Just a Dream FalseRen AMV on my dash again

🔮 queenofstarz03 Follow

Respect your roots!! That 125M views Just a Dream AMV raised a generation. Every kid in my school played it on loop on their ipods during recess

🔮 queenofstarz03 Follow

wait op can you explain your url

🫃 spaceshipmpreg Follow

No 👍

#i think we should get the dogwarts freighter pregnant

6 notes

#long post #space opera au #queenofstarz03 my beloved space internet npc #idk..... i lost my mind making this #was fun tho #girl help im stuck at the devils sacrament. im building the devil's sacrament #treebark #trafficshipping #hermitshipping #just in case #dashboard simulator #unreality

[ferniliciousness]

Happy N7 Month!

This is my first November in the fandom and I am genuinely excited and looking forward to it. Which feels weird cause this is the first fandom I've ever really been a part of. Mass effect has definitely really helped me the last few months, and I'm so glad I've gotten to meet some pretty cool people in the process lol.

Anyway, enough of the sappy stuff, that's not what this is about lmao. I've started a few projects for the month and I am very excited to share the first one with y'all. I've been working on this for like a month now 😭 and I'm actually proud of it so I hope you enjoy ☺️

Prompt: Tension

TW: Suicidal inclinations

*why didn't I just say no? I should have just said no?* Gaia's mind is racing standing next to Garrus and looking out over the street below them. Sidonis is here, and Gaia has to watch Garrus kill him. She has to change his mind, she just has to. Otherwise, everything she believes about herself is true; she deserves to die, she doesn't deserve to live, and there is no hope for redemption. *I'm worse than Sidonis. I deserve so much worse than him. If Garrus can't spare him, can't offer him even an ounce of forgiveness, what hope do I have?* Numbness, that all familiar numbness she knows too well takes over her body. She hates it. She despises it. She wants it to just go away, go away and let her feel again, feel the pain, feel the despair, feel the guilt. To suffer. Resting on the railing, her hands shake. Her heart races as she scans the crowd below her. She finds Shepard and then she sees him, the man who has betrayed them. *No, no, no, I can't let him do this, I can't. There has to be hope, there has to be a chance for me. God, please Garrus, please, show me I can still do good in this world. Show me you would forgive me, show me you would give me a chance. Please Garrus, I'm running out of hope.*

"There he is." Garrus' voice snaps her back to reality. Her lungs gasp, the breath she was holding finally escaping. Her knuckles turn white as her nails dig into her palm, begging her body to not give up, to keep feeling, to keep hoping. Even as she turns to Garrus and sees his determination, sees the anger in his eyes, she has to hope

"You're in my shot. Move to the side a bit so I can get him." Gaia knows if Shepard moves Garrus would not hesitate to pull the trigger. She can see his hands trembling, and notices his mandibles twitching, but she can't tell if it's from anger or anxiety. She hopes it's him questioning, rethinking all of this. "Shepard" his name escapes her, begging, pleading with him to not let Garrus do this. Her eyes follow the barrel of Garrus' rifle, down to where Sidonis stands in front of Shepard and she can't help but imagine. Imagine it was her at the end of his scope, imagine him shooting her. But Shepard doesn't move and she can hear hope in her comm. "Sidonis, I'm here to help you." He was doing it, he was actually doing it. She cant believe it. "Dammit Shepard! If he moves I'm taking the shot! With or without your help." His harsh words surprise Gaia. Garrus never speaks to Shepard like this. Gaia painfully listens to Sidonis explain, how the blue suns captured him, tortured him even. How much regret he feels for what he did. She knows all to well how he feels, the pain and guilt he's going through. She's angry at him, just like Garrus, but she can't blame him. Not when she is no better then he is. "It's up to you Garrus, I'm letting you decide this one. Kill him or dont." Shepard moves to the side while Sidonis stands still, defeated. The choice hangs heavy in the air and Gaia knows she has to say something, she has to try. "Garrus don't! Please, please don't. The guilt will cause enough suffering, you don't have to do this." Stepping forward in a rush, she can't help but reach a hand out towards him. As her heart is pounding in her ears she's barely even thinking. "What!" His head snaps to look at her, his mandibles flare, showing his teeth. The suddenness makes her pause but she doesn't back away. "Gaia, you of all people should want this. You were there, you saw what happened, you saw what his actions brought US! Our friends were killed. Because of him." His anger touches her heart in a way he will never know. It pushes her back, not out of fear, but sudden shame. It forces her to step back, away from him, but she can't bring herself to look away. She meets his anger and lets it burn inside her, adding to the hatred she already feels towards herself. "Garrus, please." No one moves, no one speaks, they all just stand in the dense quiet, the air thick with tension. Finally, Garrus turns to face Sidonis again. "I... I... Fine, just... just let him go."

Gaia stands perfectly still, not looking away from Garrus for a moment. She desperately reads his face, trying to decipher any emotions from him that she can. But all she finds is the Turians frantic attempt at hiding them. His mandibles won't stop fluttering, and even through her translator she can hear his rapid clicking. And worse yet, he refuses to look at her, yet, she can't look away. "Why? Why did you do that?" His voice is trembling with confusion. But she can't say anything. He wants answers, no. He deserves answers. But the most she can do is stare up into his eyes, while her own glaze over. She retreats into herself, hiding in the security of chaos that is her emotions, so that he can't see. "Gaia no!" His hand on her shoulder snaps her out of her escape. "No running away, not this time. You're going to answer me dammit." Hot air hits her face as he sighs. "Don't... Don't you think he deserves it? Don't you think that... That everyone... Everyone that died that day deserves justice? He killed them." Garrus chuckles, his eyes now just as lost as Gaia's a moment ago. "He betrayed all of them. His death would have paid for that. Doesn't.... Doesn't someone have to pay? Doesn't someone have to make it all right?" His hand let's go of her. *No, no, no, don't let go! Don't slip away from me! I can't! Garrus I can't!* She watches as his hand returns to his side, and all hope of moving forward goes with it.

"Then shoot me Garrus. Kill me. Let me pay." Gaia shoves her pistol into his chest, catching him by surprise while her eyes lock onto his. Wide eyes meet hers, full of confusion and worry. He tries to take a step back, but Gaia hooks her hand into his armor, holding him in place. "I have been the cause of so many deaths, deaths of innocent people. I have so much blood on my hands, blood spilt because of my actions." Her eyes never leave his, reflecting an honest guilt and a long-felt resolve. "I have cheated, stolen, lied." Gaia takes another step closer to him, pointing the barrel of the pistol to her chest. "I have betrayed people who trusted me, people who cared about me." The words came out calmly, years worth of turmoil and pain simmered down into Gaia's heartfelt belief in herself. Pointing down to where Sidonis had stood only moments before, "If he is deserving of this, then I am deserving of so much more. If someone has to pay for it, let me." Tears threaten to spill from her eyes, but her voice never falters. Garrus tries to carefully pry the gun away from her, but her own fingers threaten to set it off. They both can hardly breathe, but even in the brief moment of silence, Gaia's hands just hold tighter to the pistol. "You say you believe in justice, in righting wrongs against innocent people. So show me Garrus. Show me. Pull that trigger and bring justice to me. Let me make it right."

Garrus tightens his grip around her hands, pushing on her palm, trying to get her to let go. Gaia could feel gentle thrums through his chest, his way to try and calm her down. Her fingers slip away from the trigger, his large hands gently guiding them away as he takes hold of the gun. Her body feels numb, and the world around her is quiet, she barely even notices him doing it. "Gaia. I.... I'm not going to shoot you." His mandibles click, quickly chattering against his cheeks. "I can't.... I don't know what you think you did, or why you think you deserve this, but this isn't your crime to pay for." The silence between them can almost be touched, as they stand in front of one another. Gaia's arms slowly fall to her side, letting go of his armor. "You ok?" Garrus' words finally breach the quiet. He wants to know, to understand. Gaia doesn't even know herself, but she doesn't want him to worry. "Yeah" a weak smile is all she has to offer him, and he sees right through it. "Gaia" The question behind his words is evident but Gaia has no desire to answer him, even if she knows she will eventually. "No. I'm not talking about it. Not right now." Gaia looks over the railing at the crowd walking below them, oblivious to everything that had just occurred. The tension between making the air feel thick. Gaia hears Garrus' hard sigh, he must still be upset, just as her emotions were still on a high. "Alright." Leaving it at that, Garrus walks behind her, pulling her rifle off of her back, before continuing down the walkway. Surprise pulls Gaia out of the awkwardness. "Hey, I said I was ok didn't I?" She jogs to catch up with him, his long strides covering much more distance than her. "I never said you weren't." He was upset, angry even, that was clear, but Gaia knows, he still cares. The realization hits her, standing in the street watching him walk back. She doesnt understand why or how he does, and she thinks that she never will, but she is grateful for it.

#n7month #n7 month 2023 #mass effect #garrus #garrus vakarian #gaia #mefic #im genuinly so proud of this #omg #im nervous too #but like #i love it #will probably post it on ao3 eventually lol

[trainingdummyrabbit]

I Am So Glad You Asked!!!

So basically... Tokitoswap! a swap au in which the tokis and the kamados swap roles-- yui swapping w/ tan, and mui swapping with nezzy. 

aka: Two Twins Have A Bit Of A Worse Time Than Usual And Suddenly Find Themselves In The Middle Of A Thousand Year Struggle Between Humans And Demons (Which Are Real By The Way)!

. it also happens to be an exercize in having a concept, going “hey, wouldnt it be funny if--?” and then it sticks and you have to commit. i keep trying to explain in a way that Makes Sense, but im gonna be honest. theres just So Fucking Much going on and ive been trying to write this for hours and i dont even know where to start summarizing WAHAHAH. i dont know if its very Canon Aligned but it sure is very Me Aligned and i sure am gonna commit to the bit! anyway. 

its heavily in-progress and was supposed to be a clean one-role swap but! Well!!!! It Sure Isn’t Anymore!!! 

under the cut since im Incapable of keeping things short:

funy lil swap au! ft:  Yui: “Older” Brother who Thinks he’s in charge. a beleaguered 14-year-old who stumbled into being a slayer and super isn’t prepared for this. Unfortunately, having your sole remaining family turn into a demon is kind of antithetical to “go home and pretend nothing happened.” he is handling this very well. (lie) a user of wind-breathing, his main priority is keeping him and mui safe, and is a bit overprotective. which is a problem, since mui will charge headfirst into the first sign of danger to protect him. their relationship is a bit messy, but they’re pretty much the only thing holding each other together. a kid trying so hard to act bigger than he is-- and inevitably, routinely failing.

Mui: Odd Little Creacher secretly hiding Rage More Powerful Than A Thousand Suns. just barely surviving the attack of their family one fateful night by That Man, he manages to completely break the curse and hunger or being a demon through his own sheer will. unfortunately, he also completely loses control of himself and, in order to make sure that energy doesnt completely tear him apart, his consciousness completely mists over-- leaving him rather airheaded and distant in an attempt to hold back the roaring of a new power he cannot control. . but hes so silly!! ^w^ couldn’t hurt a fly!!

Murata: Some Fucking Guy who just so happened to get roped into all this. is just absolutely baffled this kid is out here slaying demons like this, and is honestly doing his best to make sure he doesn’t stupidly get himself killed. despite being at a higher rank than them, though, he’s kind of... well, he hasn’t gotten the hang of water-breathing techniques. try as he might, he just cant quite reach the same skill level as some of his peers. even still though, he has to keep trying. he has a job to do, and promises to keep. 

Susamaru: Professionally identifies as a Problem. a user of beast-breathing, she just kind of... shows up one day and starts antagonizing. originally started fighting the twins for the honestly-kind-of-reasonable reason of “That Kid Is A Demon And Thats A Fucking Problem” but got distracted messing with yui enough to get. kinda curious about the other one. she’s loud and brash and fucking annoying, but at some point she just... asserted herself. and never left.  she’s an odd case. ridiculously skilled at the whole slaying-demons thing, she just... doesnt seem to take things seriously. has a penchant for irritating people on purpose-- but its purely for the extent of understanding how they work. what makes them tick. she’s here for a good time, not a long time. most of her peers don’t like her much, but once she’s decided that she likes someone, theres very little she wont do for them. and these nerds just so happen to be next on the list. 

. all in all, its just these dorks against the world. there’s just. a ridiculous amount of mess ive written about how they function and how their arcs shape up, and while there Are some other roles and etc written up, my brain has been completely laser focused on These Four In Particular, so . \o/ ! anyway, heres a bunch of ambient sketches from all over the place of Them(tm)

#pikramble #<== new tag for whenever i inevitably infodump again #ANYWAY IM BEING SO SERIOUS WHEN I SAY its been MONTHS. #like. i started in like september last year and its just. theyre most of what ive been thinking abt!!! #POLITELY ALSO gonna. ask for no rbs on this post specifically. not that i can stop u #JUST BC this isnt like. a very easily presentable au and also im very nervous all th time n if this breaches containment ill explode. ty <3 #this is for me adn th handful of th rest of u listening 2 me during this sleepover. #but like. this isnt even the most of it besties. #i havent even gotten into yui's weird thing with Fate or susa's thing with Conflict #or mui's struggle with what it means to be a demon; what it means to have autonomy; what makes you You. #or mura's self-discovery or their weird; patchworked sibling bond or what it means to experience loss and the nature of Moving Forward #not even mentioning nezzy's whole deal or whatever the Fuck is wrong with kai this time or!!!! AUHG #lichrally will answer any questions but this took me hours bc i kept getting nervous WAHAHAH #all this to say: i spent months thinking abt an au and accidentally made what might as well be weird fuckig ocs. thankyou <33 #dont expect any of it to be like... too canon compliant; things r a mess but i care too much to bother w staying in line w it!!! #anyway u WILL see these guys every so often. whether au-wise or oc-wise. if u see any suspiciously familiar ocs from me No U Dont(tm)

[ifeltfree]

Yeah, of course I'll talk with you about it. I'm sorry to hear you're recently diagnosed. I'd say it gets better, but I'd be lying. What does change is that you get tougher, more resilient. If you're lucky, you have people around you who understand and support you well. The seizures never stop being terrifying.

It's an awful disease and one that is extremely misunderstood. Isolating is the right word, for sure. I was diagnosed at 16, so I know how hard it can be to have it as a teenager/young person as well. It feels like it's stealing from you. It is. Don't let anyone tell you any different. Your feelings are justified.

As far as how I cope? Poorly, for a long time, but recently things have been looking up. I was seizure-free for about five years before a recent set of breakthrough seizures (I crashed my car too, lol what a time), so I'm relearning how to deal with the fear and paranoia.

Logistically, I've done a few things:

I was able to get my job to let me work from home 3/5 days of the week.

I sleep. A lot. I still hang out with people and I have a lot of friends, but I had to accept there are things I can't do.

I spend a lot of time in quiet. Overstimulation doesn't help. I found this out the long way - took me forever to realize shutting up one or a few of my senses cut down the brain activity (I'm dumb).

I don't drink. I used to drink - probably too much. Substance abuse and epilepsy don't mix. That wasn't the reason for my breakthroughs, but I do have a little sobriety app. Kinda fun, honestly.

I talk to my friends about it.

That last point is something that I'd never done before this year. It's hard, of course, but I think it's helped that my friends now know I'm having crises of sanity, faith, philosophy - whatever - every day of my goddamn life. It's impossible to live with this disease and not think about what's real, what's not, if I'm losing time, what exactly is a soul...you understand.

Also, seizures are impossible to describe, but I try. That helps as well. Horrifies my friends, but they've said it's ok to talk about.

Every seizure I've had (barring these last ones, or I'd have killed myself) has stolen my personhood from me. I'd wake up as a different person, and then I'd just...live in a stranger's apartment, wear a stranger's clothes, wake up in a stranger's bed. After about a week, the feeling starts to fade but nothing ever goes back to that first reality. That disorientation is, for me, one of the worst parts of epilepsy. It's fucking scary. And if you go through that, I am so, so sorry.

If you want to talk about this more, let me know. I'm much less serious than I seem, and I write like this because I'm overeducated after being scared shitless by my brain. So.

Anyway, feel free to publish this and I hope you feel better soon.

Also, tell your tattoo artist what happened - they'll thank you for not coming in, and they also need to know you're not a flake. Don't want to make them responsible for an unconscious body when they don't have to be! :)

thank you for talking to me more about this. you worded a lot of this really well and its reassuring to know its normal to feel that way that i do about it all. my family thinks im exaggerating it so sometimes i question if im blowing things out of proportion.

anyway, thats terrible that you crashed your car. thats such a huge fear of mine and i cant imagine going through that, im so sorry. its so unfortunate that you have to miss out on things, but im glad you figured out what works for you to keep you in better shape. im gonna try and be mindful about the things you mentioned and see if they make a difference for me, thank you

i dont have much of a support system, most of my friends stopped talking to me after college and i find it hard to meet new people where i live. its significantly harder to cope with shit like this when youre on your own. im sure you get it. and i totally understand what you mean by losing your sense of self. it feels like everything is foggy, all the time but even worse on days i have seizures. it almost makes me mad cause its not fair that after everything else that comes with it, i have to have a diluted watered down personality too.

again thank you for this. ill definitely reach out if the urge arises and you definitely can too. im always open to talk, about anything

[the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see]

oh my god oh my god, i’m wearing my dress on saturday!! tree we are officially living in parallel universes. also your dress sounds so pretty, go live your best cottage core life bestie! (also we totally took dumb photos at prom that is a thing that happened, it’s now canon in the tree-indi universe)

the world is tiny and there’s are a reason it spins in circles- i’m so freaking happy you got to meet your friend!! and come out to them!!

also at prom i met an acquaintance from middle school who got me into the queer side of the internet. and we weren’t friends or anything but i still cried and hugged her when i saw her. there are just some people in the world who completely change your life.

*also every time you mention coming out to more people, just know i’m rooting for you! ilysm harsha!*

awww tree, you partner sounds so sweet, i’m so happy for you babe!! the only telugu terms of affection i know come from movies lmao, but my favorite is banagru konda- like a mountain of gold! that’s so cute! <3

honestly, leave your mark bestie. also i graduated high school and i wrote my initials on the wall, so i understand the urge to be remembered lol.

*rests chin on top of your head cause your itty bitty* mWah! mWah!

i wrote half of this ask like two months ago and finally sent it today, so srry it’s been forever, but tell me what you’ve been up to! 🥰

- indi <3

grrr this is the sixth time i'm rewriting this tumblr better work now!!

YESS WE MATCH!!!!!! it was super fun, i spent a lot of time on the lake and got to talk to one of my friends for hours so i was really happy. we did take photos and we goofed off in a photo booth and all our pictures look horrible but we love them!! hugging you!!!!!!!!!!!

omg.............. youre so right. how dare you blow mind with only a few words im kissing you rn >:( !!!!!!!!!!!! it was really nice to be able to talk to them after so long and it felt so surreal bc like. we're both completely different people now and its like i know i know you but i dont really know you anymore but i still want to connect with you anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!<333

awhhh im so happy for you!!!!! imagine how strange it would be if you hadnt known them, we never would have met!! :( that is too scary to think about i love you too much and youre the bestest. truly i am mad the whole world doesnt know you but im quite content to have you allllll to myself 🥰

*awh im rooting for you too!! and also to myself. if it werent for the tiny tree hanging upside down from my ribcage and swearing at me, i would not even be here. thanks spideytree! u r a real one. i love you more*

they ARE and i love them to pieces<33 i completely forgot about bangaru konda!! im adding it to my list. no one has ever used pet names for me so the only ones i know are from movies too!! be glad i didnt start singing bangaru kodi pitta honestly. no hate to jeevi garu, but. that song fucks in ways i do not want it to fuck. also i recently remembered chiluka, like parrot so im going to use that too.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! are you excited to leave, or more nervous about the future? give me ALLL the details ilysm!! with your encouragement i will write tree all over the place! or maybe i will draw little trees everywhere? well i cannot draw. much to think about!

*reaches up on my tippy toes and still barely reaches your shoulders (youre 5'6", right?) and gives you a little kiss on your shirt* mwaH! mwaH! mwah!

dont worry, i love hearing from you no matter what<33 ilysm<3

my internship started monday! we're virtual every day minus thursdays, the first day, and the last day. its really fun, i get paid to sit around and listen, and raid the snack bar every hour!! im living. truly in my gwen stacy era. also one of the facilitators is really hot 😳 he's colombian but he grew up in greece so he's got this cute accent and he told me i had a kind gaze and thats why he's been inadvertently staring at me when he talks to the group of us. we got into an argument over time travel and free will today (plus a couple other interns) and he's super smart and we were literally yelling at each other for 15 minutes straight and the other facilitator had to come break it up bc the five of us were about to brawl lmao. its been really nice!

also im working my way through a ninjago rewatch and im taking more of a liking to cole now, where before jay and kai were my favorites. kai is still top tier but cole is very quickly climbing up. they are so gay!!!!!!!!! *froths at the mouth* IM EATING THEM

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! stay safe and have fun and give the moon a kiss before you go to bed and i will give the moon a kiss before i got to bed and it will be like we are sending kisses to each other!!<33333

#also im craving pani puri so much bc of the ms marvel episode im going to DIE #do you watch ms marvel? #indiphannon #asks #the tree speaks

[cracka1604]

sure i guess - C

sup internet, cracka here. is it bad that this week i have spent mostly doing nothing, playing baseball, stealing, and reflecting on my life? reflecting a lot i must add. im not a good person but that doesnt change the fact that others love me for who i am, yes im still on that topic. self love is something i have a lot of trouble with, i have done horrible things in my life. such horrible things, i regret them a lot. im not a good person by any means, but i think everyone isnt if you judge them on their decisions in life instead of their personality. i ask of you reader, look in the mirror after this and think of people who love you, why do they love you? if you dont know this assume why. why should you love yourself? dont think about things of the past, think about recent, good events. what rights have you done? how many people have you made smile or laugh recently? you are a good person reader, i know it.

baseball

mentioned last post, i played baseball. i crossdressed and mostly played outfield, got yelled at by my friends, hell and people i've never even met before, talked about dead by daylight and left. but it was fun, i think the mere group of people was so interesting to me, all these new faces and names i've never seen and heard before was so exhilarating, but as soon as i got home i just felt nothing. i was fucking exhausted, sore, and awful feeling. but in the moment i was so *alive* and just... there. i was in the groove you know? i think this is a good representation of myself, in the moment im energetic and out there, but by myself or out of a group im so... dead. im still and motionless. in these moments i normally get sad or something like that but again, im just out of it, dead. it was fun though, i look forward to playing again with the group. oh, and the names of the teams were GOONERS and EDGERS. im not joking. i was a GOONER.

the fear of missing out

i must admit, i have a great fear of missing out on things. especially with events or similar things. im not a very 'talk first' kinda gal, most of the time i wait for other people to talk first to me, and if i want them to talk to me i dont talk to them, i just hope they can read my mind and talk to me. im a weird person, but every time someone talks about an event to me or something that has or is happening i just think in my head "damn, i wish i was/is there..." its quite annoying, i wish i didnt have the impulse of agreeing to every offer of hanging out or checking my phone every 5 seconds just staring at my inbox or dms list.

im weird

very weird

the weekend

for those out of the loop its kinda the weekend right now its quite odd how im very very greatful for this weekend unlike others most of the time i just go: 'hey, its the weekend, nice, no school!' and i go about my day not having to worry about anything but right now, im very very happy that its the weekend for some reason, i have no idea why but im just glad. maybe its the fact that i can rest, or spend time with others, i dont know. i just like the fact that im here and living right now, or something i dont know

but anyways, im tired, its late, and im cracka signing off

[candy8448]

GCSEs FIRST DAY

Im gonna make a gcses rambles masterlist of all the gcses rambles maybe

I need an outlet

Anyways FIRST DAY OVER!

RS and Drama!

-----

I dont think it has actually sunk in that these are the real things and not mocks. Im so glad that my school does mocks every year because i am feeling weirdly calm about this

I feel like it will finally settle in once we finish everything then im gonna be like oh no that was real??

Our school surprisingly did something nice for us??? A tonna free bagles we could put butter, jam or honey on, and then a bunch of types of energy bars and juices (and i think coffe?? Idk) and whoa :0 i bet that is only gonna last today cuz this school isnt capable of commiting to something when it actually makes their students happy

Rs was exhausting. I did the questions all over the place answering them weirdly and wherever and :0 and i was so stressed about time because this is the only exam that i ever run out of time on but eventually i manged to get it done 2 mins before the end.

That first christianity 12 marker was a godsent (haha lol) it was so open that i could have rambled on forever, both of them really. The islam was harder but really better than i thought :0 (so many people was panicking thinking they got ashura wrong, including me a bit, so that was kinda funny)

I despise rs with a passion for personal reason so im so glad it is one of the subjects that finish first ^_^

I need to rant about the drama for a bit so hang on till i go eat-

SO

Our school goes period 1, p2, break, p3, p4, lunch, p5 (and p6 after school on some days for only yr 11s)

Usually exams are either p1 and 2 or p3 and 3, but we have p3 and 4 being drama lessons, then right before lunch, we started the exam, then it went on for 15mins after school and like???

What??? What is this timing why did they think of doing this????

Its like the final boss battle of drama gcses lol

(They gave us a breaktime before it at least, but we couldnt get food. It was weird seeing the hall completely empty with only us 14 students doing drama)

In the exam hall only 7 of us were in there cuz the rest go to a different room and i really love the quiet of when there are only a tiny vit of us in the hall. When all of us are in there its much louder cuz of everyone's shuffling hut with only us 7, it basically completely and utterly silent, its nice, i can think.

For our mocks we've answered on lined sheets of paper, but this time they had such a wacky answer booklet??? It threw all of us off which is so unfair. Also nobody ever informs the drama department in my school of anything so we were really confused for a lot of the time =_=

Why does it look like this??? No other subject looks like this???

But anyway the questions were really good, the time management was more stressful than yhe actual questions

(For ppl who wanted to know, we did blood brothers, then for section c we did macbeth since we are already doing it in english and we were running out of time to learn what to do for section c)

#gcses #gcses 2024 #gcses religious studies #gcses rs #gcses drama #i do a little ramble

[sachinotes]

10 Compliments I Would Give Myself

I love my taste in books, movies, anime, etc. I won't fucking trade it for anything else. What I enjoy reading and watching shows a lot about who I am. And it's usually garnered on what I also value in life. So even if it's cringey or basic for others, I love stories about relationships, community, creativity, and self development.

I take pride on writing my poems to not make them very easy to read or digest. I understand that poems don't have to be read to be deciphered. While I do want to convey my own emotions into my poems, I also want the readers to make their own conclusions when they read what I wrote. I don't necessarily have to write for myself. I want to also write for other people to gauge. I normally write poems that way, unless I had a really rough day and decided to write about that shitty feeling then it becomes more apparent that it's my perspective. Anyway, I don't think it's ridiculous to write poems that way. In fact, I think it's beautiful to have a bit of "hmmms" when you read a poem, you know. Make those brain cogs working.

I'm smart. I can be lazy and distracted and clumsy and uninformed, but I really am smart. I know my way out of my own problems most of the time. I complain about shit cause it's annoying.

I am self-sufficient. This is related to number 3. I rarely ask help from others because I try my damn hardest to find a way to make shit work for me. At the very least I would ask people what they think about stuff, but I still ultimately decide for myself. That's pretty girlboss of me, not even gonna downplay myself on that.

I am very caring towards friends. At this point I dont really know if it shows in the manner I speak with friends, but I intensely pay attention to their moods, health, and circumstances. Friends, to me, is not as simple as connections or people I vibe with or people I can rely on. Friends are people I've sworn myself to protect and support at all cost. That's why I'm selective and careful of who I consider as friend. I can't afford time and energy to do that for anybody.

I like to call myself a fast learner, although it's usually hit or miss. But on a good day, I am. I will also research on my own to do shit better than what is expected. My bosses should give me a raise, but then I also don't want attention. Sigh. What a pain.

I am quite confident these days. I feel proud of that. I can only thank my past self for hanging in there. You know what…

I am proud of the progress I made every year. I don't fundamentally change that much, but my tone does. I feel a lot calmer than years ago. And I learned many things that will stick by me as early as in my twenties. Damn, I was more resilient that I thought I could be. Or maybe I'm just a pushover.

I can accept criticism of output and performance fairly well. In fact I seek out negative feedback more than positive ones. I'm kinda weird like that when it comes to stuff I work on. Idk. I like that about me though.

Although I'm ambitious, I'm not arrogant about my status nor do I overestimate my capabilities. I hate hierarchies, but a system is necessary to avert disorder. And I'm glad that I haven't once succumbed to feeling smug about any of my accomplishments. It's good to feel happy about it, but not to rub it off on anybody's face. Like come on, dude.

#december challenge #day 22 #journaling #journal

[tinybitofhope]

my life rant bc i need this of my chest xxx (ill divide into paragraphs)

okay so the reason i think im aroflux is bcuz i dont feel attraction duh. but fr cuz i need to get this out. saw this one post abt leo valdez and it was like percy telling leo abt what his luv for annie feels like and leo was like ‘ya ill get crushes but i wont find luv bc i am fire and fire burns out and cannot be contained’ and shit like that and i was like…. crap. uhm i relate to that a bit too much. ik im young but like.. my crushes rlly js feel like interests and spending too much time w them. also idek if my most recent sapphic crush was rlly a crush or if i was js tryna prove it to myself im rlly bi. anyways back to my aro rant. and sometimes when i see people in luv im like ‘lmao couldnt be me’ like… okay next rant

omg so i used to be always happy for little and big things but like…. my vball tournament was yesterday and we won against our best opponent but i didnt feel happy??? like i barely even cried. i mean im glad we won but it feels like im holding smth that i like in my hands but js not enjoying ig??? i feel vv empty rn and i dont like the feeling of that but then again thats how ive been feeling for a while so im trying to ignore it.

its so sad on how i keep being friends w him (ill name him kris) even tho he literally outed me, but this is such a small skl and i dont think i could ever leave my friend. tbh loyalty is a big thing for me, ever. thats why it hurts so much when i think about everyone having someone except for me. its like being the third wheel in every single relationship (familial, friendship) i have with anybody. anyways i rlly have to stop being friends w people who wronged me but when i think abt them i think abt all the good times w them and then think that they (alliteration) could still be my friend. but like i said before its a small skl and everyone knos eachother…

back on that third wheel thing, like i said b4 loyalty is big for me. so when someone betrays me or like leaves me out i get soooo anxious and start going into frenzies like ‘oh ofc theyre hanging out together’ bc now my trio feels like m&a plus me. and everyone has their pair they talk to all the time, so what abt me? nonzo. its so hard during family shit bc im the middle child whereas there is only two children in each family and somim stuck w the older cousins (dw i luv em) but like… i feel so out of place.

i hate hate hate doing big things and then right after i have to go socialize? like no.. im tired asf. sometimes talking makes me want to cry and hide ipunder my sheets and scroll on pinterest while listening to my peaceful playlist. and it sucks bc i share a room w my sister and so i cant even do that in peace. i turned off my crying mode aswell and i dont kno how to turn it back on so at most i can shed a few tears so thats not fun. bc yknow how people say ‘crying is good for u’. me rn: 🤠

so what did we learn? that my life sucks ass and i want to curl up and die. and on that happy note goodbye!!!

#wow thats alot. #i should show this to my counselor #haha #i am definitely not okay #thats fine #no one on tumblr is

[allabtmejps002]

Script

Zoe and Ava are roomates are talking in their living room

Zoe- Ava! I havent seen you all day.

Ava- Yes, Zoe. I have a job remember

Zoe: Shut up, I told you Ive been submitting applications. I swear this time

Ava- (sarcastically) Proud of you 

Zoe- Wanna do dinner tonight to celebrate?

Ava- Im so tired, Zoe. And havent you heard about the threats? Even if we made a reservation they would cancel it.

Zoe- I dont listen to the news it makes me depressed.

Ava- (laughs) your too much 

Zoe- Come on! Its friday night weve havent gone out in months 

Ava- (Ironically) If you can get a reservation we can go

Zoe- (on the phone) Hi! Reservation for 2 people tonight. (pause) Great thank you!

Zoe- Go get dressed!

Scene cuts to the girls sitting at a small bistro dinner table outside in philadelphia 

Zoe- Isnt this great! Just us two hanging like old times

Ava- I'll admit it Zoe, i’m happy we came. 

Zoe- (Big smile) You should listen to me more often. (laughs)

Ava- Dont push it… Im a worrier.

Zoe- You really think those people will actually attack (laughs). They say that stuff all the time.

Ava- Your right. You make me feel good, I love you"

Loud Explosion. Ava comically goes flying across stage. Zoe remains unharmed at the table

Ava- (Screaming, flailing arms) AHHHHHH

Zoe- (Shocked) Well… I guess this time they were serious. 

Scene cuts to Emergency Room, with Ava’s head bandaged up with only here mouth able to be seen. Ava is lying down on the gurney, Zoe is at bedside

Zoe- Despite all that happened im glad we were able to go out! My food was delicious!

Ava- I need a new roommate

Zoe- (laughs) 

Ava- "I am so hungry, bored, and tired. Help"

Zoe- We just ate! But ok we can get dessert when we leave

Ava- Did you forget the part when I got blown up??

Zoe- Well why didnt you eat first?

Ava- Alright lets play a game. You stop talking for 5 minutes.

Zoe- (silence) Game over. Do you remember the guy who was faking the seizures in the waiting room.

Ava- I cant see anything but darkness Zoe

Zoe- (Does silly faces in Ava’s face) Hmm your not kidding. 

Ava- I can still feel you rhot breath in my face

Zoe- Sorry! Anyway that guy is now in the curtain next to us. Let's poke him and well see if he's serious

Ava- You're wasting my time, I got to go

Zoe- Yea right. How far you gonna go without seeing. You need me! I love this.

Ava- (sarcastically) Help me God

Nurse enters the scene

Nurse: Oh boy. What happened girls?

Ava: We were hit by those attackers! They were kidding this time, the blew up our whole table. I didnt even get to eat yet!

Nurse- (Confused) There was no attack. The police report said it was something in one of your backpacks that caused the explotion

Zoe: My robot!

#script

[gavinsmg24]

I’m gonna respond to the most recent one first baby. Meaning what you just said❤️‍🔥 I know you shouldn’t.. but. Idk. Obviously I’m lovey. N cuddling and hugs and such are flirty n lovey. But also. I am your friend too! You’re someone I care about. So. I know it doesn’t change things. But. I just want you happy n safe and loved. And I’m sure you are! Even thru the bad. For example we had bad times. And. Looking back then. Maybe you would feel how you feel about current partner about me. Like. Idk. It’s hard to be with someone every single day. Like Ben n chase. Love em to death. Irritate the shit outta me sometimes. But I know I do too. It’s just like. Everyone is so different it’s so hard to live with someone else’s routines n habits especially if they effect your own. And like. Not trying to be negative about us. I know good n bad come with everything. But like. I’m not sure if you would consider our bad times as bad as your current partners. Not that I want you to answer that cuz that’s a big thing to compare. Plus all people are different. Anyways. I may seem like an angel and lovely etc. just compared to your current partner. (Maybe just now idk about the soo the time) anyways. What I’m saying is. Yoh left for a variety of reasons. And even tho I know it was hard on us both. I Definitely know we were having a rough time. But. That’s also bcuz we had been together day after day. And that’s why it’s nice to live alone sometimes. It’s sucks. Bcuz. I dont wanna be alone. But I wanna be alone 😂 I feel like that’s such a reality. At least for me. I’d love to be back living alone but also thinking about it I dont. It’s nice to have silly interactions with other people. Walking out of my room just to flip chase off then go back. It’s just silly stuff. Rambling!!

My main point of all that was. It makes me immensely happy the things your saying. And yes. Maybe you shouldn’t say it. But. Idk. Your mental state is more important. Which is selfish to say but also. Legit! If your not happy n sad and all the other stuff I skimmed (and will read eventually) then you deserve some form or dopamine relief. And im sorry that it has to be me! (That’s me being silly. I’m sure you could get by without me. In fact I know it. Bcuz that’s life. We live and roll with the punches!) (And your strong, cool, great personality, lovey and caring. Truthfully baby! I’m sure you could be anyones perfect princess! You just need a king who deserves all your amazing ness!)

Rambles! Goodness! (Don’t feel like your rambles make me ramble. You know even when you don’t say anything I can go on! You saying stuff just makes it easier for me to say things bcuz I can just respond to you 🙈)

But. Yes. The past and rose tinted glass. I kinda went into the past talking about living alone n such. But like I know how you feel. Like. Maybe the way you’ve been feeling and so on is making it easier to imagine what it would be like if we were still hanging and enjoying each other’s company. It might cloud the arguments and other bad times (not trying to be negative just trying to say that. Partner maybe be meh rn. And it may be easier to enjoy the thought of me. Bcuz! I’m not there. Yanno? Like truthfully we won’t know unless that day comes but. It’s also possible that. In a timeline that we’re still together / get back together that we’d resort back to negative feelings. But at the same time. I loved you then. I love you now and I always will. I just enjoy making you happy. And knowing your happy and well. I’m just a lovey person. And you’re my princess! Blah blah blah ramblinggg!

Gonna flip to the frito thing bcuz I’ve rambled a lot here. I feel it baby. Wanting to go back to what we once did. Like I’d love to be back at my old FedEx. 10x better than this one. But also. Then I wouldnt be here. And for you like your strong but also any physical job has it’s negative effects on the body. So. Im glad your not doing that. But also do what you want! I just didn’t like that job for you only bcuz your manager or whatever. That dude was an unreasonable person. Not really but like. He was way to high strung n picky. Just a person who stressed people out. (Idk if I mentioned but every so often I see a frito lay box being shipped at FedEx and I think of you💘)

I’m sorry I put this at the bottom but I wanted to save the best for last 🙈😘

My H. Absolutely :,0) you know you’d wouldn’t even have to ask🙈 you could walk thru my door rn. I’d squeeze you then hold you in my arms in my bed. Squeezing each other under blankets (although onto your other question. It is warm! It’s currently 78 degrees here! So! I sometimes forget that it’s just now March! So other colder states. Are. Cold!!!) My poor chilly baby! Please! We gotta keep you warm 🥺💘 that’s right. Warmth! Sooo! Come take a nap with me. It would be so blissful. We can just sleep and feel the safe presence of each other ❤️‍🔥

This post is long! So! Enjoy your reading 🙈 I know you won’t mind anyways but imma still say this. I probably will nap here soon so I may respond to the rest when I wake up later. But of course I’ll be able to respond even if you need to delete. Normally once you post I hold onto it just so you can get rid of things if need be.. I hope that’s okay. Anyways! Ending this with!

Nap with me princess. Just sleep. And maybe cuddling 🥺🥰. I. Love. You. H. Promise I’ll respond sometime soon. I’m sure before the weekend if not during I’ll have responded to everything you’ve said (unless you say more 😉🙈) but of course. You never have to! But also. You’re just ranting sometimes 🥺 the point of the blog! I just happen to be responding to your thoughts 😖

Done! Now! I. Love you! Cutie💎

[isaacathom]

ds9 time :) s2e6

'i havent seen one of these in 300 years' i- okay hang on. there was a character IN tng who used a wheelchair. the old guy. the one in the absolutely horrifically bad 'old man' prosthetics who took some fucking drug so he'd regain his youth. i remember this episode. he HAD a fucking wheelchair. you HAVE them. theyre IN THE SETTING. what are you talking about Dax. ? i hate scifi when its like 'oh yea we wont need wheelchairs in the future' bullshit man. anyway

'once her basic needs are met she refuses all special assistance' i would not say 'being able to get around' is special assistance but like. ugh. UGH. we're doing this then are we. we're doing this?

the way everyones reacting to meloras stubbornness doesnt sit quite right with me, especially considering that bashir moments prior spoke glowingly of that stubborness. but also why the fuck did you modify the design? without telling her? like dude what the fuck. she sent you a design, you shouldve just made that, and then maybe as the chief medical officer suggested alterations and improvements and so on once it saw on-the-ground action in its intended environment BY its intended user, which is not you. euggggh.

im not sure i like where i feel like this is going to go? i dont know what i think that is but my vibe is poor.

okay so plot a) melora tries to just do her fucking job and b) quark gets murdered. i understand (i do not)

my problem isn't with melora as a character, i think its with a sort of exhaustion with the fact that scifi tends to erase disabilities because ~in the future we can "fix" them~ and then their rare disabled characters tend to be a very specific way. an aspirational disabled person, i suppose. one who doesnt ask for help, who doesnt "let their handicap stop them", you know the vibe. so its not that she's a bad character, per se, but that shes part of a trope thats just sorta annoying. this all comes with the caveat that im not disabled though so ? basically dont listen to anything i say

"its like slipping into a bathtub at the end of a long day" "really... im a shower man myself" bashir buddy what

BASHIR BUDDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING. what the fuck is this. oh i hate this. like to be clear its a significant improvement from bashir being cringe flirty back in s1 with dax (something that seems to have been dropped like a hot rock) but JESUS. BASHIR.

okay yea sure (skips scene) ill just read the transcript man im good. good for bashir making friends i guess.

yknow again melora has a point, who the fuck puts raised rims everywhere like this. its a trip hazard for anybody!

do not make out on your peril do not make out okay wait okay so she realises hes hesitating, goes 'oh dont worry thats my brother' and then they immediately make out, god thats a fucking awkward chain. that said, lol. the shot of them drifting up was fun.

i am not invested in this relationship at all but i guess its nice to see Dax interacting with other people and sharing some of her knowledge. i like her a bit more than s1.

well thats not exactly where i thought her plot was going but of course, mago-scientifically curing her of her disability, a fucking hallmark. god i hate scifi sometimes. like yea whatever it makes sense in the isolated incident that its the sort of thing she WOULD want, because her bullish independence is very important to her, and whatever, but as part of a trend you just. groan.

"you people sell pieces of yourself after you die, don't you? i'll buy one" odo and quark remain exceptional

"you let me fly, i let you walk, we're even" disability politics aside, cute sentiment.

bashir's complete forgetting that she has a family back home, incredible fucking work sir, truly the empath

this episode is not especially well written, is it

wow these plots collide like a sledgehammer

oh thank GOD she doesn't actually commit oto the treatment, thank GOD!!! THANK GOD!!! oh thank god. genuinely a good choice, like im so glad, from the meta perspective, that she decided being able to see her family and all that was more important. does that make sense? i just like that she made the choice, was empowered to make it, and knows whats up. that rules. thats a good ending for her i think.

that said that episode kinda sucks? its fine i guess.

#ds9 blogging #my thoughts are many but not especially coherently

[indigo474]

God Bless the Queen~9822

the Queen of England died. the world will watch her funeral. My co workers son died. i was more upset when i heard he had cancer. when they said the cancer spread to his lungs i knew he was going to die. life is fucking cruel-unfair.

my waxer said it looks like i lost weight.. she sees me naked every 4 weeks and she said she could tell. she started waxing everything from my belly button down. i'll never get use to having hair ripped out of my body.. ouch- luckily the pain only last for however long it takes her to rip off the wax-2 seconds

maddy likes school!! she seems happy. she did not want to see her counselor - i am making her. she says she feels better- yes- all the reason to keep seeing her. afterwards she said i was right and she was glad she talked to her. i write her a little note every day and she said it is the highlight of her day. she brought up how she hasn't talked to her dad since march- hasnt heard from him. she also shared her sister no longer talks to her. we talked a lot and she says her dad is telling her siblings that she is mentally ill- like me. she says she heard him say it. it hurts my heart- it hurts my head and it just fucking hurts. he is evil. he gives no fucks about these kids. a user and abuser. he plays the victim- it is all so sick. Anyway we talked and talked and talked- Mads wont reach out. She does not want to. I told her that the best thing both of us can do is live a great life. Do the next right thing and work on ourselves and be happy and just live a great fucking life- prove him wrong. Be happy- something he will never be. he never was and he will never be happy. once you see him for what he is- you cant unsee it- he is so predictable. Mads told me she smoked pot - and got really really paranoid. she said she hated it. Good Good Good. I told her that's what she gets for smoking weed.

i dont know how i am going to survive this winter with work. Im going to work from home a few days- i havent told work yet.

im learning how to kayak this weekend. I missed the moon lite kayak thingy.. it sold out- next spring fo sho. im going to lock myself in my room and clean it. its not dirty like dirt dirt- clothes.. i have to get rid of stuff- organize and also set up my work computer.

there were bones along the Delaware... i don't know what kind. a guy at the park told me he saw a snake.. thanks.

i am tired- a good tired. ive been sleeping well. i feel good. i went out with Marci for dinner this week. i enjoy our time together. Dinner was delicious. Vegetarian- i have no idea what it was- it tasted good.

Freaky Tinder guy - i said i wouldn't meet him, said i would meet him- i do kind of remember him from long ago and i didnt think he was attractive - he wants his girlfriend to be involved and im not into that. so why would i entertain the thought of meeting him? boredom-

not a good reason to meet .. also i keep thinking he is going to poison my drink- like wtf- who thinks like that.. i guess i do

i had this bracelet- one of the kids- birthday party grab bag- a gum ball machine- i have no idea where it came from. tiny beads. it had a gold peace symbol hanging from it. i decided to wear it until it broke.. and it did. it exploded on my desk at work. it reminded me of fireworks- beads everywhere. it made me laugh while i was on the phone with a customer.

what are we doing here? what are any of us doing? what is the purpose of all of this? i wish i knew.. and ive been thinking a lot lately about why people talk about getting older like its a bad thing. or rather why i dont think getting older is a bad thing.. lots of thoughts on that.

[single-malt-scotch]

still no art rn bc i got a bit burnt out w all the drawing around double life- so im just still binging s7 videos aaaand well i finished grian's s7 series lol. i definitely watched nearly all the episodes i think unlike s6 where i jumped around. im still going back and watching other pov's of s7 though, itll just take me a bit. but, the consensus:

i watch grian's s6, s7, most of s8 and what there is of s9. i had started s8 after watching s9 (which i watched first) but i stopped when i decided i wanted to go all the way back to 6 instead, but also cuz i wasnt super into the plot heaviness of that season. i maaay go back to s8 and finish it since its so short but im not sure, it still wasnt hitting like s6 or s7 to me.

my Onion right now is, s6 is one i may go back and watch more of- i watched grian bc i wanted to get to know him more and see if i enjoyed his style. he was also new that season so i feel like it was a more skewed perspective since he didnt know everyone well and wasnt hanging out with many other people yet? but again idk who i may watch from that season (i enjoy seeing people interact the most tbh so i am not sure who i may jump to). but once i got into s7 i can say it has by far been a favorite and was very thrilled to see grian interacting more consistently with other members too- especially those i wanted to watch that season like etho and bdubs. i will probably go and watch etho myself too, and i watched a few eps of bdubs to tie up some loose ends. overall s7 had so many things in it that made me want to go check out other videos and while i may, im pleased that grian took more time to go out and about to see other people's bases and the events that made people go out more. the turf war, base swap, and secret bases were all key events that i found quite amusing and i felt they were all wrapped up quite well too. it seemed like everyone had better ideas of what they wanted to do and carry through in terms of stuff to plan. i was also wondering when the proxy mod came in so glad i got that covered by the end of that season lol. which brings to me my remaining thoughts into s8 and proxy mod--

so s8 sits very different w me now after watching 6 and 7. obviously those two were longer, and im kinda surprised to remember s7 took place during covid because it really didnt feel like it?? it seemed like they were all very productive, and i guess when your whole thing is playing inside on minecraft then, it wouldnt be too affected lol. but still, surprised i didnt see any clear hiccups even if they tried to keep that out of the videos on purpose. anyways, s8 and proxy mod.... when i watched s9 and the life series around the same time i was intrigued by the proxy mod as i hadnt ever seen any smps just using it constantly. for Life it made sense for sure, but working my way backwards in the HC seasons i guess i can see the pros and cons from my perspective...

i got quite accustomed to the uh, "old style" of videos with s 6 and 7. you know, recording on your own and hopping into calls when you wanted to interact further but otherwise typing in chats. i didnt realize how.... hm. different that is for the viewing experience. it allowed me to focus far more on the person im watching and makes certain interactions more amusing when its limited in chat. Proxy is convenient, and i do think its fun to hear people get closer or farther, or to surprise them. but the near constant of it being on kinda makes it feel like a never ending voice call, and i dont feel like (at least from grian's perspective as its the only i watched) it gives the person time to focus as much sometimes? and it doesnt always feel like the creators are actually addressing the audience anymore, as they are often focused on talking to those around them. its hard to say, bc i think part of it has to do with it being new, so everyone wants to use it a lot and get used to it. and i wouldnt say it ruins the videos either. but its a whole different feeling!

i think its nice to have the creators have their own space to commentate and then go into calls to talk w people because it better seperates the content. i do think the proximity part of proxy mod is fun and great for shenanigans. i think it being constantly on can hinder some things, and i hope to see more separation/muting in the future maybe...