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#astarion headcanon funny
goddness-lunafreya · 4 months
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Baldur's Gate 3 Characters' Pokémon Team (Part 1)
—Astarion, the Pale Elf—
Read the other parts at the end of the post.
Hello everyone, I had this idea for a while and decided to put it into practice. I will talk about my ideas for a Pokémon team, analyzing the characters' profiles, thinking about their narrative and gameplay functions within the Baldur's Gate universe to find the best pocket monsters for them.
The only rules are: 1 Starter, 4 common Pokémon and 1 Legendary or Mythical. The team also needs a Gigantamax or a Mega Evolution.
Today's character who will win a Pokémon team will be Astarion, the Pale Elf.
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Let's start with your Starter, the one that the coach starts by forming a strong bond. They are small, friendly creatures that are easy to train, and they are also rare.
And your Starter could not be other than the Paldea Grass Starter, Sprigatito.
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Sprigatito is an extremely friendly cat. And cat suits Astarion! They are fast, cunning beings, perfect for a rogue. But it's not just because this little one is a cat! They evolution, Meowcarada, is perfect for Astarion.
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Meowcarada are Pokémon with a bold attitude, they like to appear to distract opponents while they perform a trick or cheat. Yes, this cat is the spirit of the liar! All theatrical to distract from the truth!
And its typing matches Astarion a lot, the second type being Dark, which gives the feeling of evil that surrounds a vampire.
The second Pokémon I thought of is Noviern, the evolution of Noibat.
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This huge Dragon/Normal Pokémon brings all the vampiric energy of Astarion. Being a huge, powerful bat, fast and with a resistant type.
Furthermore, it is a Pokémon that I see Astarion using to impose his strength. While Meowcarada is his more deceitful side, Noviern is his more fighting side.
Astarion's third Pokémon would be a Weavile, a Dark/Ice type Pokémon!
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Weavile are even more cunning and dangerous than Meowcarada, as they behave much more perversely. They are cats specialized in attacking from behind, hiding, they are fast and lethal. If Meowcarada had the personality, Weavile has the way of acting like a rogue.
Furthermore, they are Pokémon with a strong personality, hardly giving up on their goals, just as Astarion never gave up on his.
Astarion's next Pokémon represents his hatred, everything he accumulated in the years he was a slave to Cazador. This is Hisuian Zoroark, Astarion's fourth Pokémon.
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This ancient form of Zoroark is not a Dark type, but Normal/Ghost. This Pokémon is practically a spirit, full of hatred for humans and aggressive behavior.
He even has the ability to change shape, disguising himself to deceive. However, this Pokémon has a less cunning behavior in general, and is more direct.
White skin with red, with a hunchbacked expression and posture. Sometimes, we just want to avenge those bad feelings we felt, and Astation knows very well what that is.
(Bonus: a friend of mine told me that this Zoroark reminds me of Astarion when he does the Ascension ritual! And well, it really seems!)
Astation's fifth and last common pokemon is unusual. But I think he manages to convey his less aggressive side well. This pokemon is Leavanny.
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Leavanny may seem like a strange choice on this team, but it makes perfect sense! They are gentle Grass/Bug Pokemon who love to sew. That's right, sewing and weaving clothes, mending them.
I can see Astarion using this pokemon to help sew his beloved white t-shirt! Not to mention that he is someone who understands fashion and could give their opinion on it. Furthermore, they are gentle Pokémon, who make clothes to keep other Pokémon warm. They are attentive, calm and affectionate.
Not to mention, look at their claws! They're like two blades, these Pokemon are great for cutting and fighting too! In the end, Leavanny rounds out this team very well.
And lastly, we have the team's legend. One that even represents Astarion, Mewtwo, a powerful Psychic Pokemon.
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See, Mewtwo was once a slave, trapped by his creators, forced to follow their orders. Totally lost, without anyone, alone... Deep down, Mewtwo wanted to be understood, and perhaps our Pale Elf understands they on several points.
Mewtwo would be your Mega Pokémon. And to top it off, he has two megas!
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Mega Y is purely a Psychic type, much more mentally powerful and with an air of superiority. They is a Mewtwo above, ascended. It conveys well the absolute concentration of power in a single being.
And the Ascended Astarion would love to have you by his side. The best for the best.
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Mega X has a secondary type, Fighting, and is much more humanoid. It's Mewtwo who has connected to their human side, who understands their strength. They doesn't need incredible psychic powers or superiority, he just needs to connect to his hidden side.
Spawn Astarion would choose them, as he sees the strength that change brings. This Mewtwo may look different from the original, but it's they, just with a different vision. Another force.
And now, we have the conclusion, where based on what was analyzed, I say that Astarion's favorite type is:
Dark type!
The Dark type is linked to Pokémon with the characteristic of "Doing evil", they are not always evil, but they do evil. They can be silly actions or really cruel actions, it all depends on the Pokémon.
This would be his favorite type, but as we saw, it's not the only one he would leave on his team. Let's be honest, Astarion would love Dark-type pocket monsters, with their greedy and cunning behaviors and incredible powers.
And I hope you enjoyed the analysis! I really want to team up with the other characters.
Other parts:
—Part 2 (Halsin)
Replots and reblogs are always welcome. Support the artist by giving a follow and like. Feel free to give suggestions for Pokémon and teams. 🌙 —Goddness Lunafreya
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lassieposting · 6 months
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Tav, using their Pet Owner Voice: What have you got in your mouth? What are you eating? Drop it! Drop it right now!
Scratch: [whines and drops Wyll's boot]
Owlbear Cub: [guiltily spits out Boo, alive and unharmed]
Halsin, currently a bear: [drops a half-eaten salmon and makes an indignant noise]
Astarion: [startles at the raised voice, lets go of Tav's wrist, reclaims it and goes back to his breakfast once he realises they're not talking to him]
Gale: [chewing faster]
Tav, sternly: Gale...
Gale: [reluctantly spits out a powerful magical artefact into Tav's outstretched hand]
Tav, muttering under their breath: Can't have shit in the Gate.
Gale, ruefully rubbing the back of his neck, also under his breath: Gods forbid a wizard do anything
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fourraccoonsinacoat · 2 months
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*One night at camp.*
Gale: Surprise camp safety drill, everyone! Cultists of the Absolute are attacking, what do you do? Go!
Astarion: Gods below, not this nonsense again.
Gale: Time is wasting, people! What are you doing?
Lae'zel: Chk! I am going to bed. I will not waste my time with hypothetical pondering.
Gale: Alright, Lae'zel has taken an arrow to the face and is dead. Next person!
Astarion: I don't know, I do what any reasonable person would do. I stab them!
Gale: Wrong. They began their attack with archers and you are shot through with arrows before you can get near them. Astarion is dead. Next!
Wyll: Can't Shadowheart just heal them?
Gale: Shadowheart, would you like to heal Lae'zel and Astarion?
Shadowheart: *Considers.* Nah.
Lae'zel: *From her tent.* K'chakhi!
Astarion: I stab Shadowheart.
Gale: The two of you don't get opinions. You're dead. The cultists are now inside camp, what are the rest of you doing?
Durge: I cast fireball.
Gale: You cast fireball...on the camp?
Durge: Well, first I make sure that Scratch and the owlbear cub are at a safe distance, but yeah. I cast fireball.
Gale: Okay. The camp goes up in flames. The cultists are dead, but so are your companions.
Durge: Wonderful. I go to bed and have the most restful and uninterrupted sleep that my broken mind can remember.
*Lae'zel approves.*
- - - -
BG3 Incorrect Quotes Masterlist.
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Overindulgent father Astarion who tells his children they’re allergic to any kind of jewellery that isn’t made of the highest grade Dwarven crafted gold. 
It’s not even because Astarion might have a certain aversion to silver, no, he just raises his children to have standards, thank you very much. 
And it doesn’t end with shiny things, oh no… 
The Ancunín brood is known to be dressed in perfectly woven cotton, silk and soft leather clothes, no matter the occasion.
They’re seen playing with expensive toys, reading artfully illustrated books that certainly belong behind thick glass, not in children’s sticky hands. 
There’s even talk that one of the children is not as naturally inclined to music as his parents claim him to be, surely his lyre must be enchanted—the instrument certainly looks extravagant enough! 
And then there’s always this air of effortless haughtiness surrounding the Ancunín children whenever their nannies and servants are parading them through town as if they were perfect little dolls; objects to show off the wealth their parents acquired in quite the mysterious ways. 
So, it’s no secret that Astarion and Tav are pampering their children—some might say they’re even spoiling them rotten. 
And maybe they are, especially Astarion.
But he doesn’t see why he should raise them any other way, nor does he want to.  
When it comes to his children, Astarion has his own standards, and as long as Tav agrees with him nothing really matters. 
Because, these people, they don’t know anything about the Ancuníns. 
They don’t know that it’s not unusual for Astarion to wash out dirt and mud and strawberry stains from comically small finery, leaving behind only the memories of a day spent playing in the garden, chasing after ducks, picking flowers, lazing in the sun…
That any holes and tears the children’s clothes might suffer are quickly mended, making them look as good as new in no time. 
Nor do they know that Astarion doesn’t mind fashioning a brand new dress to match that of a favourite doll, either. Or to embroider a pretty vest with the likeness of that stray cat the children seem to adore, although their father would rather they don’t touch the mangy animal. 
No, those people know nothing at all...
“Not tired!” Astarion’s youngest cries; the vehement denial of her father’s earlier accusation is cut short by a telltale yawn.
The room still smells of fragrant lavender oil and peaches even when the bath water has already grown tepid, just one or two degrees above what Astarion would consider too cold to be enjoyable. 
Amused, he raises an eyebrow at the protesting toddler before he lifts her out of the copper bathtub with little effort. 
By now, he knows every step of this game.
“Tut-tut, my dear child, what did mama and I say?” Astarion kneels, quickly wrapping a soft towel around the child to keep her warm. “We only tell lies outside of this house.”
Unfazed by her father’s gentle scolding, the girl crosses her arms that haven’t yet lost their puppy fat across her chest, reminding Astarion a little too much of a very displeased Tav. 
Suppressing a sigh, he leans back to consider the pouting child, wondering what could possibly be upsetting her this time—the list is growing longer by the day, after all. 
“What’s the matter, dear?” Astarion asks gently, hoping it’s something easily fixable as it’s growing rather late. 
“Want apple!”
Decades ago, Astarion might’ve rolled his eyes—he knows exactly which stupid apple the child wants, it’s been haunting him all day—but once he started to treat his children’s problems as if they were his own, his life has grown somewhat easier. 
“Why, let’s get an apple on our way to bed, then. Would that be alright, Your Highness?” 
The girl promptly nods her head, allowing Astarion to pat her hair dry before dressing her in a clean night dress. 
She rests her cheek against her father’s shoulder as he carries her first to the kitchen to grab a fragrant apple and a knife, then to her bedroom where they settle on the cosy window seat, just like they do every night.
Soft moonlight is pouring through the windows; the child giggles at the way the knife’s blade is catching the silver light as Astarion peels and cuts the apple into even pieces.
“Here you go,” he finally says, giving the slice of apple one last examining look before surrendering it to the impatient little hands reaching for it. “A sweet treat for my little sweet. Doesn’t it taste so much better when we don’t eat it off the floor, darling?” And when it’s not crawling with ants…
The appeased toddler nibbles at the juicy fruit as Astarion carefully combs through her still-damp curls. 
Her hair’s getting long, he notices, knowing that taking care of it will become more time-consuming each day. 
Once, Astarion would’ve thought this task tedious, brushing out hair that’s not his own, oiling and braiding it for no other reason than knowing his children enjoy him doing it. 
But that’s why he loves doing it in the first place, he supposes.
Astarion can tell by his toddler’s heartbeat that sleep is about to claim her. 
The half-eaten slice of apple is still clutched in her little fist as he cradles the child to his chest, slowly rising from the window seat to put her to bed. 
He’s just about to lay the child down that the fruit drops to the floor, his daughter’s tiny hand clutching at his shirt instead.
“Thank you, papa,” she mumbles, more asleep than awake.
Astarion pauses.
He breathes in the clean, yet unique scent of the little girl that is forever engraved in his brain, the same way he knows under which exact constellation she was born. When she took her first steps, what her first word was. Soon, he will have to memorise her favourite colour, and what she likes to eat when dirty apples won’t be that appealing anymore. 
By now, Astarion knows this game by heart, knows that with every year that passes, he has something new to learn about his children.
And sometimes he wonders what it’s like to grow up with clean bed sheets and full bellies. Sleep filled with naught but warmth and happy memories. Ever open doors and tears that are dried by tender kisses. Living in a house where mistakes and anger are welcomed, safe. 
He wonders what it’s like for his children to know that their father’s love comes without conditions. Not now and not ever. 
Sitting down on the bed, Astarion holds his youngest a little closer to his chest, unwilling to let go of her, yet. 
He’s often accused of spoiling his children when most people can only just grasp the very surface of his love for them, the bare minimum of what he feels for his one and only, precious family. 
These baseless accusations are as unimportant to Astarion as the people voicing them.
He’s raising his children to have standards, wants them to take their father’s love for granted, to accept nothing less but pure devotion.
It’s the only way Astarion knows how to love them, the only way that comes most naturally to him. 
Astarion looks down at his little girl, now fast asleep, a gentle smile tugging at her lips. 
After all these years—all these children—he’s still in awe watching them sleep in his arms as if no harm in the world could ever befall them.
And it won’t—not if Astarion can help it. 
“No, thank you, my heart,” he whispers, pressing a kiss against the crown of the toddler’s head. 
When it comes to his children, Astarion holds himself to the highest standard.
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tadpoleatemybrain · 3 months
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No thoughts, only modern Astarion selling inappropriate cross stitch at the local craft fair
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stars-and-clouds · 7 months
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Party: *can't reach a lever*
Karlach: Mage hand should do the trick.
Durge: *throws Gale's severed hand at the lever*
Karlach: NO!
Astarion: *approves*
Shadowheart: *approves*
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hijackalx · 4 months
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made my own companion height chart since nobody else Gets It
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this is how gale thinks everyone sees him and astarion and it pisses him off so bad
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y-rhywbeth2 · 2 days
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EDIT: Post is slightly out of date, I have revised some opinions
Hmm...
"Magistrate" is going to refer to judge, as lawyers are not a thing. (Edit: Oh, apparently they've become an expensive thing in the Gate recently. That's new.) -
Astarion was definitely working in a judge capacity: "A gang of vagrants, a tribe of wandering 'Gur', took issue with a ruling I'd made." | "A Selûnite necklace, if I'm any judge. And I am. [laughs]" -
Apparently judges in Baldur's Gate are chosen from amongst the ranks of the Patriars (because of course they are) -
Human nobility is closed ranks, especially in the Gate. The only non-human Patriar family in existence is the dwarven Shattershield family. You might however, find an elf who married into one. That would be permitted, if looked down upon (you're either marrying below your station to a commoner, or your spouse's Evereskan noble house is liable to die of shame). -
In the Realms, a the offspring of an elf and a half-elf is classified as an elf mechanically. Half-elf + elf = elf | Half-elf + human = human. | Half-elf + half-elf = half-elf.
So for Astarion to be asked to preside over cases in the courts and be allowed to make rulings he has to have human ancestry tying him to a Patriar family - most likely a human grandparent. That would lead to the question of whether the elven relatives were from a noble house (awkward: the Evereskan nobility are traditionally classist as hell and do not like humans), or just random commoners (human nobles marrying random elven servants has been known to occur).
OR
That charlatan background predates his unlife and he somehow lied his way into making people think he was a member of a Patriar family. Although he originally had the noble background, so... who knows. (Although that could technically indicate new money, that would bar him from being a judge, as that's not a Patriar.)
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rawrsatthetree · 4 months
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Love that everyone collectively decided that Vellioth looked just like Astarion with long hair
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graveyard-cuddles · 4 months
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Jaheira at the party: "haha alright just be careful, bhaalspawn."
Durge: "of course ☺️"
Jaheira a few months later, finding out Durge is having another potential bhaalspawn that's also a dhampir:
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thechaoticdruid · 4 months
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The Astarion boob man propaganda continues to live on I see. Well I won't stand for it!
ASS MAN SUPREMACY! 🍑
This is the real controversy we should be arguing over! Forget about Spawn Ending Vs Ascended Ending. Psh that's old news! This is what we need to discuss!
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rosegardenpink · 2 months
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THE LIP BITE OH MY GOD ???????
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killerpancakeburger · 5 months
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Dammon won't solve issues with his fists but if you do he will sit back and enjoy the show
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fourraccoonsinacoat · 2 months
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Durge: *Slams a cultist up against a wall, holding them by the throat.* I'm going to enjoy skinning you alive. I'll make it slow, so that by the time it's done your throat will have bled raw from your agonized screams.
Astarion: Darling, I'm hurt. I thought that sort of talk you only reserved for me in the fervor of our bedroom?
*Collective groans of exasperation and disgust.*
Lae'zel: Kainyank! Put gold into the Jack's Ass jar.
Gale: *Holds up jar.* Jackass jar. We've gone over this.
Lae'zel: As I have said before, this term 'jackass' is illogical. Who is this Jack and why is it an insult to call somebody his ass?
Gale: And as I have said before, there is no Jack! That's just what the word is! It doesn't have to be logical!
Lae'zel: You humans are tiresomely vexing. I propose we call it the Galeass jar. Then, at least, the insult will have weight.
Astarion: *Drops a gold into the Galeass jar.* Worth it.
- - - -
BG3 Incorrect Quotes Masterlist.
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brightwanderer · 6 months
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It occurs that me that technically - given what information we have about Astarion’s past - you could make the argument that he has never actually done any murders himself. He brings the victims back to Cazador and that’s the end if it. Sure, there are bloody murder parties, but he’s the guy with the mop afterwards.
Which suggests two possibilities for his “let’s turn someone inside out” style comments:
1.) he is trying so so hard to be edgy
2.) he has 200 years of pent-up frustration because he was never allowed to get stabby and now he is LIVING
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zorosleftmantit101 · 2 months
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Recreation of how I feel after edging all my WIP's
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Me: "Hmm whats this? A 3K long smut fic of a character I was hyperfixated on that only lacking an ending, well we cant have than now can we" (Closes word doc) (Opens new word Doc) Me:"Imagine one WIP hell imagine 44" Word doc: "No please we where so close to being finished so you could post us on Tumblr" Me: "Shut it slut, time to write..." (Looking at camera with smoolering chad face) Me: "Another Eniemes to lovers angst to fluff to smut" Word Doc: "Nonono not again you have like 18 other uncompleted works with the exact same idea"
Me: "Shh its gonna be ok im litterly him”
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Word Doc: “FOR FUCK SAKE”
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@zorosleftmantit101 2024
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