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lord-squiggletits · 4 months

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On the MegOP fandom trend of saying "Optimus should apologize to Megatron"

(Speaking specifically for IDW1, though it applies to a lot of MegOP especially ones that do continuity soup with heavy reference to IDW1)

I was talking to a friend in DMs and they mentioned a common headcanon/fanfic trope that I also concurred with, and both of us said it's something that bothers us: a common take in the MegOP fandom goes basically along the lines of "If Optimus had just apologized to Megatron, the war would've ended" (or other variants including "if he'd tried harder to understand Megatron/work in collaboration with him").

And firstly, this is incorrect for a number of reasons:

There were attempts at peace negotiations during the war, but they fell through. So Optimus WAS trying to work with Megatron to the point of participating in formal diplomatic meetings.

Optimus tried multiple times on page to convince Megatron to just stop fighting and work with him for peace (Autocracy, Chaos Theory) that Megatron rejected. Given that these on-page examples take place at the start of the war and at the end of the war respectively, it makes sense that Optimus asking Megatron for collaboration is something he was trying/willing to do the entire time. So again, Optimus was always willing AND ATTEMPTING to work with Megatron and find a joint solution

Even before the war when Optimus was still Orion, he was very explicitly inspired by Megatron's writing and names Megatron as one of the people who "opened his eyes" to the wrongs of Cybertronian society. So how is it that people claim "the war went on for too long because Optimus never tried to understand Megatron" when OP literally named Megatron as one of his biggest idols, thus implying that OP does understand Megatron's ideals

But the primary purpose of this post wasn't to defend Optimus, actually. Even though I personally think Optimus did plenty (dare I say, everything) to try to end the war, there are some who may still think otherwise, so instead of arguing about whether Optimus did "enough", or who should apologize to whom, or who "deserves the blame" for starting/continuing the war, I'd actually rather talk about this:

No matter who is most "to blame" for the war, it's my firm belief that neither Megatron nor Optimus would even expect/demand the other to apologize to them at all.

On Megatron's side, he would never seek to judge Optimus negatively for the decisions to the point of saying "you wronged me, apologize." Whether it's evil Megatron who doesn't care about atrocities and revels in an opportunity to expose Optimus as a hypocrite, or post-war/Autobot Megatron who knows that his own evil actions are irredeemable, the idea of Megatron judging Optimus and demanding an apology for the war specifically strikes me as out-of-character. Why would Megatron demand or even want an apology from Optimus when Megatron knows fully well that he has his own sins to bear, he prolonged the war for his own selfish/material gain, and that he is responsible for an untold amount of suffering? Demanding an apology would imply that Megatron sees himself as the wronged party and Optimus as the wrongdoer, but by the end of the war, Megatron is too aware of his own part in the war to ever demand such a thing of Optimus. Even if he DID think that Optimus was "equally to blame" for the war (which he doesn't/wouldn't, btw), Megatron's own feelings of guilt would prevent him from trying to seek the petty satisfaction of the moral high ground or making Optimus beg for his forgiveness.

Additionally, Megatron knows Optimus very well as a person: he knows that the position of leadership is full of "loneliness [and] agonizing self-doubt" for Optimus (Chaos Theory) and that "when Optimus hurts others, he hurts himself" (MTMTE). Another reason that Megatron wouldn't demand nor want an apology from Optimus is because Megatron knows Optimus so well that he already knows that being a war leader fills Optimus with immense guilt and suffering. Given that Megatron knows about Optimus' self-doubt and guilt, why would he even need an apology when he already knows how much Optimus regrets the war and desperately wishes/wished for it to end?

Then, as established in the previous paragraphs, Optimus is too full of guilt for his part in the war (both before it started and in being unable to stop it sooner) to demand an apology from Megatron. Again, demanding an apology would put Optimus in an implied position of moral superiority and/or victimhood, but Optimus doesn't see himself as morally superior or as a victim (or rather, he sees himself as being responsible for these bad things happening and internalizes this as a duty to do better/fix wrongdoings). In other words, Megatron and Optimus both share this view of themselves and each other: Their hands are so dirty, and they both feel such guilt over this, and they know each other well enough to know that the other feels this way as well. Because both of them feel blame for the war and are acutely aware of their own flaws/part in suffering, both of them feel far too responsible for the war happening for them to ever blame their archnemesis for "not trying harder" or "being responsible for the war."

Hell, if you even look at the socio-political climate of Cybertron before the war started, neither Megatron nor Optimus were the ones who put this conflict into motion. The corrupt legacy of the Primes, Functionism, class issues-- all of these things existed before Megatron and Optimus did. Even once they started doing things like writing about social issues (M) or fighting against the Senate (OP), both of them were "underlings" in sense that they weren't leaders:

Megatron's writings may have inspired the Decepticon movement, but that movement existed as an independent entity with its own leaders and speakers long before Megatron became the "official" ruler of the Decepticons. He wasn't even the leader of the 'Cons until he took control of the gladiator arena and the nonviolent sections of the Decepticons were (presumably) subsumed into the underground, exploitative battle culture that Megatron created.

Optimus-as-Orion was a police officer to start, but even once he started going against the Senate, he mainly worked in collaboration with others like Senator Shockwave and Zeta (later Zeta Prime), who he either saw as his idols or who were literally superior to him in rank due to government/military structures.

So with this in mind, even from a social level, while Megatron and Optimus may have been "catalysts" of a sort that caused the war to escalate to an outright planetary/galactic level, the scenario is too complex to solely lay the blame for the war at either of their feet. I'm not confident in saying that Megatron/Optimus would explicitly think of this when talking to each other, but what I'm trying to say is that M/OP were just catalysts in a long chain of brewing tension that exploded into a war. Even if one could claim that one of them "started" or "escalated" the war, the social issues that caused the war and the positions of power that allowed them to become leaders in the first place were falling into place before either of them actually BECAME leaders.

In other words, this shared fate of being the final reaction that exploded a societal conflict into outright war... Megatron and Optimus both have that in common. And because of this, I really don't think either of them would even think to ask the other to apologize because they're both in such similar positions, with such similar feelings of guilt and responsibility, that they understand each other's feelings without words. To demand an apology would be akin to taking that shared vulnerability/guilt and stepping on it, attempting to claim that one is right/superior and the other is wrong/inferior, and that the inferior one needs to grovel and take responsibility for the bad things that happened.

#squiggposting #idw megop #idk if this'll get me hate or not but it's something i think about a lot #and verbalizing it to that friend in DMs helped me put into words why that common fanon take bothers me #also. hot take but if any 'apologies' are necessary then it's M who should be apologizing to OP #the war may be both of their faults but M is the one who explicitly did/said things just to hurt OP and break his spirit #i'm tired of ppl who don't understand (or at least don't discuss) how hurt OP is and how he deserves recogniztion of his feelings too #megop #then again this fanon take may just be a consequence of continuity soup culture #where ppl don't have to acknowledge specific things that M or OP did bc they can just selectively include or not include details from canon #so like. i guess in their continuity soup continuties their fanon is technically correct #but in terms of the source material which is the one shared experience we all have and the common language we derive fanon from #this fanon is very incorrect. or at least i hope i've managed to argue that it's incorrect #anyways the thesis of megop is that they're equals and opposites who are inextricably tied to each other #fanon that tries to place the blame on one or castigate one of them is missing the point of megop #the point is that they're equal. equally strong and charismatic and amazing. and equally culpable #even if they're not literally equally responsible for idw megop at least they at least both FEEL responsible #and i don't think idw megops are the type to mince words about who's 'more responsible'#they're both depressed old men who hate themselves and regret basically their whole lives. why would they judge each other like that

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front-facing-pokemon · 9 months

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#staraptor #now THIS is a look. dunno what kind of face this is but it's a good one (my famous catchphrase)#their eyes are red now i guess. if i looked at this super close up (as we are doing now in our shared experience) i dunno if i would be able #to guess that it's staravia's evolution‚ minus the beak. i like how the beak at least is that semblance of continuity between the line #i was going to ask what the “star” in their names means but i assume it has something to do with the type of bird that they are #and both TPC and my general followerbase know much more about animals than i do evidently so i'll leave that one up to either of you #of course TPC would comment on my posts. yeah. duh #i had kind of a rough day yesterday gimme a break!!

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puppyeared · 6 months

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if escape rooms as team building exercises became popular im not sure if id be more excited or terrified

#if it isnt already anyway.. i can see it happening as a school frosh thing. idk if it would catch on as a workplace thing #i kind of find the concept of being locked in with strangers and working to find a way out weirdly exhilarating though #at least compared to icebreakers cause i dont have to spend 10 minutes racking my brain for something to blurt out abt myself #as a bonus u could like. put people into groups and give prizes to whoever escapes first second third etc. apparently they also do themed #escape rooms.. maybe let people pick a theme? or voluntary sign up? actually this would be really fun for smth like a blind friend date #although if i found out i was locked in a room with an online friend id be too excited to actually escape LOL #ive never done an escape room before so sadly i cant speak from experience. its like up there on things i want to try next to rug tufting #workshop and visiting new art exhibits or conventions. i seriously need to get out more if it wasnt for the horrors <- school and anxiety #i was planning to invite cass to a drop-in art workshop in town but neither of us could go bc typography is making us go thru hell and back #AND THEY HAD A BUTTON MACHINE TOO #im nostalgic bc i miss working in groups and not being awkward abt it or worrying abt schedule conflicts #i realized that i learn best in groups and its a little corny but i like sharing ideas and talking through a problem #in elementary i could just sit down with friends for review and come out of it energized *and* more familiar with the material #and i could technically still do it now. but as adults we're more picky abt who we work with on top of being way more busy outside school #maybe im lonely. im shy and grew up not talking to ppl unless i absolutely have to so its hard to make friends on my own i guess #only thing getting me thru it is telling myself that humans like helping and that my cringe is overblown in my head. but its hard #hence the escape rooms. i have been able to talk to 2(!!) people though!! mostly abt school stuff but im glad to be on friendly terms #i dont really know how to be happy these days cause im constantly scaring myself abt my portfolio and finding places to work #not being ambitious is part of not wanting to put energy into something that wont work out while also not having the passion to do literall #anything else.. i should probably talk to my counsellor ugh #yapping

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skrunksthatwunk · 4 months

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went back to the sketchbooks around when i was going through yyh for the first time in 2019 and found a pile of near-yearly sticky note updates about my relationship with the series next to my first yyh doodles, a page full of kuwabaras. thought it'd be fun to share

+ more thoughts and old yyh art below

(it's crazy i didn't find any kurama-centric pages for months bc i think he's the one i doodled in the margins of class notes and stuff the most. his hair's pwetty and he gives me the least trouble outta any of the main 4)

something i noticed while skimming the two sketchbooks i took these from was how mean i was to myself at the time about my art. i guess it hit me more because i don't really spend hours going through my old sketchbooks over and over to track my progress and growth like i used to quite often. i guess it was only a little after when my self esteem was lowest (8th grade, tale as old as time), but... idk. i knew back then that i'd grown a lot in the few years since i started drawing more seriously (that's why i looked through my art so much), but like... i guess that never translated into being nice to myself about it. i ended up going back through about ten more sketchbooks to find more yyh art, and in the coming years i'm glad to say that negativity in the margins went away. hell yeah

but even so, my love for yyh was a constant and effusive thing, as it is now. it's probably the oldest of my current media interests. i watched myself get into rgg and develop my ocs and watched others fade in and out, watched my style loop back on itself and go all over the place, passed by pages of writing about crushes and album releases and gender discoveries and my grandparents dying, all surrounded by little drawings of the characters i love. including kuwabara in a maid dress right next to my dead grandma grief rambling that one time (no i'm not kidding. my grandma died in like late 2020 and the page where i poured my heart out after finding out she was gone just trying to process everything had one with catboy maid dress kuwabara directly opposite it, who i'd drawn like the evening before she died in her sleep. he killed my grandma from like 100 miles away he was that powerful. that wasn't even the last time i drew him like that and i don't even care about catboys or maid dresses much. i think it was just a bigger meme and he was the guy i most associated with cats. i put that man in a situation and he fucking got her because the book couldn't contain him. some victor frankenstein shit. anyway)

i took about 150 pictures, most with multiple sketches. i decided not to add any more though bc 1) i posted some of them on old accounts but i don't remember which ones, and tbh i value my anonymity a little too much 2) All Of The Pictures Turned Out Bad in ways i don't feel like getting into but just trust me it's like 6 layers of fucked up illegible image bullshit 3) i found it hard to narrow it down to things i felt were indicative of the development or interesting or anything like that. idk. i figured it was an interesting exercise for me and it probably wouldn't really mean anything to anyone else. and that's ok :) it was nice anyway. i mostly mention it to be like Oh My God i've drawn these guys a lot and i STILL don't know what i'm doing... :| it's fun

however i did transcribe the notes i left:

7/9/19: yo it's been less than a week & i'm on ep. 80 wtf i love this show

8/14/20: 1/2way thru my 3rd watch (first dub, first [with older sibling]) & honestly still love it & kuwabara being the first one i drew makes me happy

7/28/21: i'm watching it w/ [younger sibling] now! 4th(ish) watch, 2nd time through the dub, which is so much better than the sub really elevates the text. we're at the semifinals of the DT, which means this is technically my 5th time through yyh up until that point but eh semantics anyway i still love & obsess over yyh! <3

1/14/24 (present day): hey, i'm rewatching yyh for the.. idk 5th or 6th time. still love it & never stopped. now i'm writing fic & drawing & posting about it. i have friends i talk to about it. [both siblings] have seen it. so much has changed, and so little, but it made me sad seeing how much i insulted my own art. i love you 2019 me. god knows you needed it

[+ this drawing]:

anyway. forever fornever. if you even care

#that's all. just kind of a personal post i thought was neat. skrunklore #skrunkart #yyh #yu yu hakusho #you can really feel the 14 y/o in a lot of the little notes and stuff but that too is part of the growth and change im trying to celebrate.#ripping my fingernails off about it but it needs to be done #also the hearts are because they love each other. and also me in like a cheering you on kinda way #ok more lore but around jr year i started feeling like my art was getting worse or at least stagnating and i kind of wished i could go back #to the era where a lot of that art is from bc there were little things i was better at and also bc i was much more prolific and adventurous #and while i'm sympathetic to it looking back after another couple of years it's like nah. no i was still growing i was just too close to se #like i'll be like oughh i haven't grown at all in years >:(( and then i'll look at the art i made over the course of 2023 and go oh nvm lol #some of it was more 'getting back into the swing of things' + traditional and tech issues being resolved but there was also growth #there is also stuff to be proud of and there always is and there always will be. that goes for you too reader #no matter what your art does or does not look like. i guess that's part of why im posting this too #part of what got me into visual art was seeing how people's art changed (sketchbook tours). it's cool and seeing that learning process so #well preserved and so easily analyzed kinda activated something in my brain. i think it got me past a lot of the 'im just not talented'#stuff a lotta ppl have that keeps them from drawing or sharing it or whatever. anyway art's cool i love art. gonna go draw now probably :D #ALSO really funny watching the way i drew myself change. all in ways that make sense but still funny to me. long hair glasses girl you'd #probably keel over if you saw what we look like now. hell yeah

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borderlinegerard · 1 month

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cause when you leave, you take more than your love

#personal #my posts #how self conceded do you have to be to think im gonna be anything but pissed after that dm #and after telling me to die #“oh i get to be selfish skmetimes too” YEHA DAWG I KNOW. YOU HAVE MADE THAT VERY CLEAR #me when being selfish does not equal doing suoer shitty things and not apologizing #yes man lets tells the chronically suicidal guy to die. this is sucha good idea #and its like. i guess ill never understand how im in yhe wrong for doing the exact same thing that he did...#or am i in the wrong for doing something you dont like And having our friend be on my side #i wouldve apologized if you didnt fucking escalate things. and now i realize this could end out friendship #but if youre unwilling to understand how this is ecen a little bit your fault...#i dont Want ro think youre a bad oerson but after this not even our shared laughs can make me have the forgiveness i need for this #and the thing is. at least im admitting its partially my fault #why are you physically fucking incapable of doing rhe same #and its funny when i realize tgat ive been happier since the day we stopped talking....#youre leaving shitty comments under my tumblr posts and im thinking less abt you then j have in months #idk man! maybe i deserve skme stability for once. if its Crazy tk believe #Spotify

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celestial-toys · 1 month

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been laying here listening to Lucky by Dermot Kennedy on loop for half an hour while thinking about Everything Stays and crying

#it’s good crying dw i am just. i have so many feelings about this story #Seven’s Celestial Commentary #Everything Stays #writing stuff #i may be stuck in bed struggling to type due to personal reasons but that will Not stop me from cooking up ideas for this fic #there is gonna be so much fucking angst and it’s gonna hurt soooooo good #the more i listen to it the more the possibilities expand #i can easily see Moon and Reader going back and forth between verses vulnerably arguing over Sun #but i can also see it being Sun and Moon getting real and discussingcougharguingover Reader #can’t decide which i like more #god i wish y’all could see this story the way it plays out in my head #next best thing would be to keep writing and sharing the story instead of vagueposting abt future plot points tho wouldn’t it lmao #and GOD don’t even get me fucking STARTED on Two Hearts…#Dermot Kennedy’s music is responsible for yet Another plot point for this story and i can’t even be mad about it. his fucking lyricsss dude #‘and so we jump to the THEATER??? in that SAME OLD TOWN???’ DO WE? FUCK I GUESS WE DO NOW!!!#picture me listening to that song and inspiration hitting me like a truck. diligently taking notes like the lyrics r instructions from God #‘she sees his face?? and HE sees HER as the LIGHTS GO DOWN???’ write that down write that down #‘the life that they should’ve had sat between them that night??’ FUCK Man yeah it sure did!!!#anyways it’s chill i’m chill. i’m very normal about my little stories and their musical inspirations!#and i’ve listened to these songs a very normal amount (translation: they will likely be in my top ten for the 2024 wrapped)#(cut to the scenes playing vividly in my head) ‘Well‚ at least I can always say that I /told/ her!’#‘I can’t relate to having a heart like that‚ Sun! With all of your wonder and your trust intact…’#like no i wouldn’t lift the lyrics directly for the song to use as dialogue but FUCk does it work well.. Lucky is such a good script for-#like- a heated conversation between my Relentlessly Positive Sun and my Apathetic Jaded Moon #‘How could our farewell mean as much as our time? Honey‚ I’ll be gone. It’s better if I’m something that you leave behind.’#‘I used to paint these trees‚ now I just scream at the sky. Honey I was wrong. Guess there’s certain things you never leave behind.’#*sobbing shaking throwing up clawing at the walls* I Am Normal About These Characters #anyways uh. on an unrelated note how many song lyrics do ya think i can cram into ES before it’s Too Many #gonna have to start getting creative with how i can incorporate more songs in a way that feels natural and not forced #even tho i am forcing it. i am forcing it very much bc i have songs with applicable lyrics and y’all Will read them one way or another

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volivolition · 2 months

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what's the theme you're fucking going for here voliiii!!! what are you fucking getting at!!! what are you trying to say, what's the point??

#still working on this drama chapter in Swept Up. they're. confusing to work with? from an empathy standpoint at least.#skill who is trying to honestly understand the other skills VS skill who is just always lying and putting on an act.#and then theres the whole thing that im not going to spoil yet but the dynamic. fuck man. i dont even know what im trying to say here #lying is bad? no i dont care about that. honest communication is important maybe? i feel like i need a central theme for this.#and i dont want the theme to be ''empathy good'' because low-empathy people are also good and i love them!! and also:#empathy is a flawed character!! i try to portray this. i dont like moralism/centrism which empathy believes in and is the main skill for #empathy you stupid centralist (affectionate) i know this is just because you don't know how to make everyone happy. who can fix this?#you dont think you can fix this! you feel too much debilitating sadness to make meaningful change!! responsibilite to others more capable #still. i do depict empathy as often kind on a small level because i think that's in character. empathy just helps you understand.#i guess this fic is also a ''empathy doesn't mean kindness. kindness is a choice you can make afterwards but empathy just means empathy''#but that's not a centralizing theme that all the chapters share. its also about vulnerability and the mortifying ordeal of being known #urgh. i'll think about it some more. knowing me its probably another ''love (in all forms) is the meaning to life'' type story lmao <3 #i need to make a skill chart for this harry. all i know is that Volition is his skill signature but Empathy is his highest stat #hyper-empathetic harry with the rsd that comes from adhd!! haha!! suffering. everybody fucking hate you. this is based on me btw lmao #i was working on voli's chapter which has a flashback and child empathy! new to the mindspace looking out through harry's eyes and crying #the world is full of sad people and it's just too much for a lil guy! the backstory i have planned for this like. huh okay. wild. anyway!!#oh shit ive made a fucking breakthrough with the drama chapter. its not a theme but its something i figured out at least. we stay winning!!#chemi chats #task: swept up

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todayisafridaynight · 1 year

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Snap, ur basically a microceleberty on a tumblr blog. I would be surprised if your inbox WASN'T utter chaos with the amount of fandoms you're in.

dont call me a microcelebrity it's going to do irreparable damage to my ego and im going to become even more insufferable

#snap chats #HONESTLY ILL BE TBH RN something mustve shifted in the water cause only now are my RGG asks gettin wild #can we imagine the chaos if i actually did keep all my shit to one blog My Fucking God #see thats why i make new blogs tho to keep it all organized and so i can give the ecosystem time to heal before im found again :)#and then my inbox explodes #NO BUT REAL TALK REAL TALK i love how i can tell who's been on my trail and who legit just got here #cause people who Just Got Here ask me like #'actual' questions about the series or want to expand on a topic from the series #and then the people who been here are sending me asks abot king of skill and fire emblem #i love it it's a beautiful thing #but anyway to the 'microcelebrity' thing id hardly call myself that if i may be modest and/or an idiot #it never feels like it- i mean i get a lot of asks so that's one thing #i guess it's cause i never see myself mentioned outside my spaces which.#thatd imply im looking for people to say things about me..... which im not good god dont perceive me #at most i know someone reposted my DB animatic to reddit and that blew up #and i know the RGG reddit takes my posts a lot. So I've Heard #but thats about it- my bubble is generally still very small i never really get much attention outside of here #tho i wouldnt expect people from reddit to make a twitter or log on to twitter just to message me #idk where this ramble's going 'microcelebrity' triggered my brain and now im sharing every thought ive had bout possibily being one #feels conceited to say i am one tho. but it also seems facetious to /not/ partially admit to at least being recognizable in some spaces #ok NOW im stopping this ramble i dont know where im going i have class soon and i dont wanna go #i will tho. dont skip class kids

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fortes-fortuna-iogurtum · 1 year

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#I have never been one to go 'boo hoo there is no one My Age to hang out with I am so sad and lonely even tho I am surrounded by perfectly #great people a couple of years younger/older than me'#ageist snobbery has never been a thing I appreciate #however #there is very much something to be said for having people who *are* your age #and I had apparently forgotten how good it is to talk to people who are in your same life stage and Get what you're going thru #who you can talk frankly with who you don't have to couch words and skirt around topics with #because they understand because they are looking out at the world from the same vantage point you currently are and even if neither of you #have the answers #at least you can look out at the world together and not be alone #I miss having people my age to do things with #I wish I could have more conversations (face-to-face) with people who share my age /and/ my beliefs and my interests #lately it feels like I'm lucky to find people where we have just one of those things in common #anyway I am thinking about this now bc I got to have some very good conversations with someone my age all weekend #and I just. had forgotten how much I've missed that I guess.#anyway. I love you @audreythevaliant thank you so much for being my friend <3 #and letting me talk your ears off for many years now lol #gurt says stuff #delete later

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starpros-sunshine · 8 months

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If I loved Wataei less I might be able to talk about them more....

#You know what I also like. Jane Austens Pride and Prejudice (knows that's a quote from Emma)#Gosh I really need to read Emma #Been meaning to but I've just been chipping away at mansfield park because it is so long #and personally I find it rather tedious to read because...Well let's just say I'm not very partial to people marrying their cousins #I am aware it was not strange in ye olden days but it's one of those modern biases I can't really shake off #but I can live with it it's just something that makes me do a little displeased frown because honestly #that's the best match the poor girl could've gotten in that book there were no better options at least the guy wasn't a complete moron #as far as I can gage at least #but I guess that's my fault for starting with Pride and Prejudice I found my Austen otp in Elizabeth and Darcy I just think they're really #really neat #I originally got into Jane Austen because I have a classmate or well I guess friend would be a fitting term too although we don't really #talk outside of a school setting or outside of the group but I don't really talk to anyone outside of the group or school anyways so #might as well just call her a friend #but yes she is very into Jane Austen she's such an anglophile in the best way possible it's very endearing she can tell you a lot about tea #and such #but back to topic I got into the books because she liked them and we share an english class where we're the only ones from our little bubbl #so naturally that sparks conversation and what to talk about when two people who are into english novels if not english novels #I got her to read Sherlock Holmes and she still like Agatha Christie better #but I was very happy about that because I really like Sherlock Holmes #she's much more patient than some of my other friends if that's the right word so that makes talking easier #it's not fun when you can tell your conversation partner doesn't really care #so now I'm still trying to get through all the Auste novels I'm doing a terribly poor job at it #been at it since January how many have I managed to finish? two.#I'm listening to the audiobooks and listening to engllish can be very tiring and the lady that narrates has a very nice voice so sometimes #I fall asleep and lose the point where I was so then I have to start the entire chapter again and it's a whole thing really #but where were we ah yes Wataei #I love them I really do it's such a shame I wish I could articulate it and put it into words #but instead I have this feelings soup #oh for shame what a horrible horrible world to live in #I missed rambling in my tags I think if I'm too scared to post something I'll just put it aaaaaalll in my tags again

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kuiinncedes · 2 years

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jglhdkhjf

#me and my brother last night was like talking about going out to eat for lunch today #kind of casually talking about it i guess and i was like u should wake up earlier ish bc i want to eat a little earlier #bc he usually gets up at like 12:30 #but then today he just said he gave up lmao and we're not going #which shouldn't be a big deal and it's not but i'm just ugh like #i've already been thinking about so much how i want to hang out iwth him a lot more than he ever does with me #at least that's what it seems like #and i feel like i was actually like looking forward to this or something but he was just like nah whatever and doesn't rly care #he was like 'u listened to the midnight cravings of an insane man and u shouldn't have' lmfao #and like i feel like i shouldn't care but i'm like almost kind of almost almost crying bc of it lmao #anyway i haven't eaten anything bc i thought we were gonna eat somewhere and i don't feel like eating anything at this point bc #i usually eat so much earlier than this but like i should eat something lmao #and every time we hang out too i feel like i want it to last longer and i Like it more than he does idk ugh it honestly feels that way with #other friends a lot of the time they're like fine leaving at the end but i'm like desperatley wanting to hang out for longer kinda #but i have found a friend who i think shares that sentiment a little at least judging by our conversations until 5am last yr XD #and she actually reaches out to me unlike anyone else :''') idk like am i just clingy/having high standards or something honestly gjndfjhbj #or like i just like being around others a lot more than i think :[#my brother's starting at my college too and i feel like that could be a reason for us to spend more time together or something but #at least it seems like he wouldn't want to lmao anyway #ugh the fact that i'm like i wanna hang out with him when he's younger lol but he's always off at the gym or with his other friends #other friends what other friends lmfao #anyway i need to stop i've been thinking about this shit all summer and it's probably not good for meee lol #jeanne talks

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strohller27 · 2 years

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#so I guess it’s time for one of those late night posts where I basically write a diary entry #but like anyway being lovers with someone is such a wild concept to me #and maybe it’s because I’ve never met a person who has been willing to love me the way I’d like to be loved but like…#how do you get somebody to care about you so much that they want to be around you all the time #ask you about your day and listen and then tell you about theirs #someone who I share interests with and participates in things with me #who also understands that it’s cool if I go off and do my own thing once in a while #how do you get someone to trust you enough to be open and vulnerable with them and vice versa?#I’m not sure I’ll ever find someone who’s willing to put up with me just as much as I’m willing to devote myself to them #it just seems like such a person is too good to be true #like people tell you that there’s someone for everyone but that sounds like a comforting lie if I’m going to be honest with you #is it just that I’m in the wrong place? or that I’ve been depressed for long enough that I never developed a healthy sense of optimism?#(at least where it concerns the idea of love)#like I was watching MASH the other night and Hawkeye said something to Margret that really hit it on the head #he said something like ‘why are you looking for something tailor made in an off-the-rack world’#and I thought yeah damn #nobody can be tailor made for us. we’re stuck with what’s out on the sales floor #and sure we can make alterations to garments but with people you can’t do that #so like where does that leave us?#do we really just kinda go through life settling for whomever we’re willing to put up with at the time??#I guess I gotta hold out until I find someone who’s worth working with and making alterations to my self for #but like. I’m unfortunately still super skeptical that it’ll ever happen.

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whatilovefor · 9 days

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i come here out of options, out of lack of places to release this pain away from your eyes, which have been given access to practically all my outlets of expression. because the expression of this pain is not intended for you; it is intended for me, to free something sleeping in me long enough i say it may be ancient. i need not you see this precious ache, i need simply free it into the world and away from me, as i had done last night uttering those words to you in the dimly lit hall, knowing there was nothing you could say. but i didn't say it for you to say anything; i wanted your silence. i wanted to free myself. and i am free. i'm not hurt by you nor your actions because there was no action in which you wronged me and no blame to be placed on you. and i don't carry hard feelings towards you because you so truly have done nothing with intent to sleight me. the ache is the result of your newfound absence in my life. one i was aware i would need to surmount. really i just miss the little moments with you, as sparse and far between as they were. i'm a real stranger to things like love. to microdose it from our interactions so small, simple, and sweet; i could have lived off that for lifetimes. out of anyone i have loved—i say this so loosely, i was never able to be your lover, i never got to love you—you have always been the kindest. i told you before of the cruelties; the despicable acts of lovers of yore. you exist somewhere separately in my mind, away from that all. you are the first i have loved to not act upon me with some sort of horror. for that i could never bear hatred towards you. i have no reasons for hatred against you. i am aching out of the knowing how i'll miss the simplicity of whatever one-sided thing we had. i'm nothing if not a sensible girl. i know i shouldn't cement myself in something of one-sided nature; i know another could love me how you can't and that i needn't extract my highs from the minuscule, fleeting instances of bliss i shared with you. though i can't pretend the idea of never seeing the smile you give me again does not instantaneously well me up to the brink. you are so akin to all the simplicity that i like; the way you read me and implicitly understand what i silently beg you for, all always such little things, exactly always how i needed you to—oh, this is the problem in itself. every small instance with you has always been exactly what i have needed. i hate the big things. i've never been the type to like the lovers who put on a show. all of your little instances of care; the small affirmations all i needed to feel i had some sort of value in this world. the moment my joint goes out you are reaching for my lighter and flicking it lit before i can ask. you are always doing these sweet little things. i've always loved service, small ways in which one absolves you of the menial. to trouble oneself to save the trouble of another. you are always doing such a thing for me. your butch-ness, perhaps, at play. you knew of how i loved such acts, i think. you must've. i think there are many things you must have known. i thank you for keeping me in the dark with that. there are a lot of things i have to thank you for. but i can't do that now, in any case. that's why i am here away from you. these words are not meant to reach you. just to escape me.

#on love #i guess on loss #i didn't have you but i did lose something #i didn't get to love you either #but for a little bit there was some kind of something #at least for me #where do i go in this city we share?#i find you just up the street upon which i've built my life #writing #freeing something #freeing myself #hopefully

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internet-overdosed · 11 days

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we all got that one homie whos life is just tragic yuri

#including my mom i guess..sorta #anyways i wanna rsnt about my mom #like?#at 1 am or something i still wasnt ssleep so i was just staring at the ceiling as one does #and you know how she fucked up the room and everything covered in bags and trash so we have to share a bed?#yeah the moment i actually decided to try to sleep she started responding/listening to the voice messages her little girlfriend was sending #to her very loudly. i wouldnt care but for some reason something stuck out to me. her gf was like ‘omg my daughter slso likes you. she feels #comfortable to be herself around you! and shes happy that you make me happy! im so glad i get to spend so much time with my two favorite pe #-people.’ i dont have a problem with that im glad theyre all happy but. Honestly. whatever. whatever man im just glad shes not making that #kid feel as miserable as i feel. at least SOMEONE feels comfortable around her

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talkorsomething · 1 month

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Too [insert adjective here] for guard ...................

Well, it's only half related.

We "hit a pothole", "had a slipup", whatever you want to call it — sunday. Aka: for the sake of my sanity we are not labeling it a relapse but good god does it feel as though I have invited the demons back in.

I know why, but I don't really know why. Because, I mean... I never have, to begin with. So: when I decided i was doing it sunday, i accepted it. "Let it happen", as someone would probably say to me. It's not...

I've been thinking about it for a while now. It's like anything - it comes and goes, a few times a year, and no matter what, I always ignore it.

Except, maybe there's something I'm not paying attention to? Or, ignoring, is the better word for it?

Of course it would be the one thing I have happening in my life.

November, I was burnt out for unrelated reasons. It was a lot to take in. That made sense. Now? ... why now?

There's not really any pressure on me. Yes, I have to do things, yes, it will be noticed if they're bad, but ...... it's not important. We don't spend time on it. I'm coming back next year, but it might be at the cost of ... all of this. I think it's progress. I haven't touched my guitar in any serious capacity in over a year. I think it's progress.

I don't take compliments well. I can't tell if that's why I don't get them, but I'm not being corrected much either. Only when I drift too far from what the work is supposed to be, only after weeks of it going, I can only assume, unnoticed. I keep getting stuck.

...push it back down.

Telling me I'm doing good isn't telling me what I know I have to be getting wrong. I could take it, at the cost of... all of this. I'm anticipating, and I know it can come. This is not where I was when I started.

It's been said, I haven't been told, that not starting it means you're more of a burden, by making the other person have to do it first. I know that. I do. And still it doesn't help. I'm not drowning. It wasn't an accident, but it wasn't planned, either. I don't know you.

I don't know you.

I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. Every week I tell myself this is really it, and every week I come back, and ... what? Forget I ever said anything? Forget we're not friends?

Well, we're not, huh? Nobody is, with me. What you see I swear you misunderstand. You don't ask. If you do, well, I can't answer. We're at an impasse.

It's not even my fault we didn't make it. I shouldn't feel like this over nothing. I don't do anything. You will, correctly, not let me do anything, because potential doesn't matter if you can't back it up. If you won't back it up. I let things happen to me.

I don't even feel better. And, actually, ironically, i think i know what would let me feel better. If I can't be upset with anyone else, at least I can be with myself.

... but, well, not even that. Your heart in my hands, but I mean it diegetically. And metaphorically. I hate putting myself out there, I hate having to actually perform, and yet every time, no matter what, I do it. I'm fine. I only cared at the start, and even then not very.

I don't feel anything. Not a lot, anyways. I don't let it happen. I can't. I don't know what it'll mean if I start being honest with myself.

...

I've pulled myself out of this before. A few times, now. Different circumstances, but I've done it all the same. Seasonal depression notwithstanding.

I'm only here because I did things I was scared to. And still, I'm the same. No progress made. The only way out is to do it again but I feel like I can't. I can't.

Will someone just let me say that?

Will someone just fucking help for once?

#sh tw #(implied - i know i didnt actually say it in the post but yes i did c** myself sunday)#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #im cursed with being a bit too self aware so #i think its compounded by my nepotism hire ... not letting me do my nepotism hire things #(for legal reasons i cannot say)#and then to add to that not letting me do anything I probably COULD actually do given slightly more instruction (at guard)#its just ... im a very angry person actually . except right now thats because im not EATING RIGHT EITHER #BECAUSE ALL OF MY PROBLEMS ARE COMBINING INTO ONE BIG INTERCONNECTED PROBLEM #back to my point.#guard instructors decided that for my first year i will not do anything cool because i'm not able to learn in about 2 seconds flat #[read: get very upset very quickly when i get things wrong and then . cant do them because im trying not to have a breakdown over]#[something REALLY STUPID like NOT BEING ABLE TO DO A SIMPLE TURN WHILE MOVING WITH THE FLAG]#so like okay. i get it okay. i'm not good at this. could you at least TELL ME i suck so i can feel justified about feeling bad about it.#could you just fucking tell me this isn't a guard where you can show up with no experience. could you do me a real solid and tell me that.#i dont know maybe the real sign it wasnt for me was when i was seriously considering not turning up for the second 'audition'#really i just hate how much he yells at us. not even at ME because i do so little there is no room to fuck it up. just at everyone else .#it doesn't motivate me to come back but i NEED 'friends' so bad and i love performing so now i just get anxious enough that i cant eat ..#.. before going to rehearsal. which is stupid. because i've done it a million times before.#......#i'm just.... everyone says he isn't actually that bad. & he used to be worse. so it really is just me.#it's just me being oversensitive. because i've never had any REAL experience in ... just about anything #so; yes. it IS on me how I feel and obviously how I react. and I keep pushing it down because it's stupid; really; to still feel this way.#anyways. our last weekend without a competition is this very weekend #so you'll never guess who's having a REALLY FUCKING HARD TIME trying to practice #i'm like this close to going to bed early and without having done the dance warmup for the third day in a row.#лёва there is no TIME why are you STILL NOT PRACTICING for the love of god get it together #(oh also when i say 'friends' in quotes it is because i desparately want to believe we're friends but they dont even talk to me really)#(and because im not even IN most of the show theres not much to bond over. literally like i have everything down Decent enough (apparently)#so theres not even any 'i will help u with this toss' team bonding. no shared moment of we are all out of breath because i DONT DO ANYTHING

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