#bcs i don’t know what i want until a fuck it up

[jobean12-blog]

Wear It With Love

Pairing: Javier Peña x female reader

Word Count: 860

Summary: Javi has to leave for work so you help him get dressed

Author's Note: This man in that tac vest is enough to set me on fire and as much as I would love to get him out of clothes I think there is something intimate about helping him get dressed. Thank you all so much for ready! Much love always! ❤️❤️❤️Divider by the beautiful @firefly-graphics thank you Daisy! 🥰

Warnings: it's playful, soft, sweet and sexy (bc Javi duh hehe)

Pedro Pascal Character Masterlist

“You should stay home. In bed. With me.”

He looks down at you from the edge of the mattress, his dark and tousled hair hanging loosely over his forehead and his eyes soft as they deliberately sweep over the curve of your body that’s barely hidden by the bed sheet.

You shift and stretch, letting the sheet fall free and reveal your naked skin.

He continues to stare as his hand reaches out to caress the outline of your waist then your hip before he wraps his fingers around the back of your thigh and gently squeezes.

“You know I want to,” he murmurs in a rough voice. “It’s all I want.”

His hand slides back up, ghosting along your arm and delicately dancing over your shoulder until he closes it around the back of your neck and leans down to meet you for a kiss.

“I’ll be back before you know it,” he whispers against your lips.

Reluctantly he stands and grabs his jeans from the floor. Just as he has pulls them over his ass you get up and close the distance between you, pressing yourself against his bare chest as you stop his actions and start to slowly pull up the zipper of his jeans yourself.

Your fingers glide through the patch of hair just below his navel and when you close the button of his pants you let your hand trace the trail of hair that leads upward.

“I love that I’m the only one who knows you go commando.”  

As you speak the words your palm flattens against the bulge between his legs and his eyelashes flutter against his cheeks. You hum appreciatively and press closer to him.

“Can I help you get dressed?” you ask with feigned coyness.

He licks his lips and his hands settle lightly on your waist.

“I definitely like it better when you do the opposite,” he teases.

“Me too,” you reply, “but I do love seeing you in your tact vest…”

The corners of his eyes crinkle when he smiles and throws you a wink.

“I suppose you need a shirt,” you start and search the room for his discarded button down.

The light blue fabric is draped over the nightstand and you grab it and help guide his arms through the short sleeves.

Before you start to close the buttons you place a kiss to his neck, soft and slow, then continue downward over his skin until every button is closed. You fix his collar, trailing your fingers through the soft hair at the back of his neck and then gliding your hands over his broad shoulders.

“I’m going to have to unzip your jeans,” you whisper with a grin. “I forgot I have to tuck your shirt in.”

His lips twitch with a sideways smirk as he watches you fall to your knees.

“Fuck gorgeous…” he groans when you look up at him from your position at his feet. “Don’t look at me like that.”

You bat your lashes innocently. “Like what Javi?”

His lips press together knowingly and he grabs your chin between his thumb and forefinger, the calloused pad brushing across your lips.

“Like you want me to fuck that beautiful mouth of yours.”

“That’s exactly what I want,” you purr.

Your fingers work open the button of his jeans and slide down the zipper then you tug the tight fabric down over his hips. His cock springs free and bobs against his stomach.

Your teeth dig into your bottom lip and you whimper.

“Don’t,” he warns with a rushed breath. “I can’t. I’ll never leave.”

His expression is pained and you let out a pouty sigh.

“Fine.”

You grab the hem of his shirt and pull it down but not before placing a chaste kiss to the silky skin just below the head of his cock.

He let’s out a hiss and you see his hands fist at his sides.

You delicately scrape your fingertips over the corded muscles of his forearms and higher, digging them into his taut biceps as you get to your feet.

Once his shirt is properly tucked in you stand and reach for his belt, threading the material through the loops of his pants then buckling it. You’re still naked and even as you dress him his hands reverently wander over the dips of curves of your body with soft strokes.

“This is fucking torture,” he grits out.

You give him a sweet smile. “It’s your own fault. You’re the one who has to go to fight crime.”

A disapproving sound rumbles through his chest but you ignore it and pull his green tactical vest from the chair, resting it on his shoulders and first securing the straps there then doing the same for the ones at his waist.

Your fingers press against the thick material and suddenly it doesn’t feel solid enough. Your breathing stutters and your palm flattens over the spot above his heart. He closes his hand over yours and squeezes gently before lifting your fingers to his lips and breathing out “I love you” across your knuckles.

“I love you too Javi. Please be careful.”

@hiddles-rose @lorilane33 @kmc1989 @littleseasiren @blackwidownat2814

#pedro pascal narcos #pedro pascal #javier peña #javier pena x reader #javier peña x you #javier peña fanfiction #javier peña x reader #pedro pascal x reader #narcos #javier pena x you #javier peña x female reader #javier pena fanfiction #javier peña tac vest #tac vest

[chvoswxtch]

personal

pairing: frank castle x fem!reader

summary: lately frank has been acting suspicious, and you've decided to finally confront him about it.

warnings: swearing, lots of angst

word count: 3.4k

a/n: i hope y'all have been enjoying things being nice & light & sexy & fun bc these last few chapters aren't holding back any punches. shit is about to get real. as always, feedback is welcomed/appreciated!

[previous chapter] | [series masterlist]

Not even five minutes after Frank walked through the threshold of his apartment, the rumble of an incessant banging sounded on his front door. His dark brows instantly furrowed with irritation at the sound. Slipping his right hand behind his back to grab the handle of the gun tucked into the waistband of his jeans, he turned the knob and swung the door open with just as much ferocity as the person knocking on the other side. 

The creases of annoyance on his sharp features suddenly smoothed into recognition at the sight of you standing in front of him, but not long after, his warm brown eyes widened in complete bewilderment seeing the raw fury that was burning in your eyes. 

“Hey-”

Before he could utter another word, you forced your way inside his apartment, causing him to quickly retreat backwards, wincing when you swiftly slammed the front door shut behind yourself.

“You need to tell me what the fuck is going on with you, right now.”

Frank was utterly caught off guard by your aggressive behavior. The last time he had seen you this angry with him was when he showed up at your place after Cavella and Walker had attacked you. He was so distracted by your incensed entrance, he almost missed what you said. But when his brain finally caught up with his ears, your words only fueled his convoluted confusion.

“There nothin’ goin’ on-”

“Bullshit! Don’t you dare fucking lie to me, Frank.”

“Sweetheart, I’m not lyin’-”

“You’ve lied to me three times in the past month.”

Creases of puzzlement settled between Frank’s thick brows hearing that. Had he really lied to you three times? He couldn’t even remember what he’d lied about, or how you caught onto the fact that he was. Frank admittedly had been a bit out of it when it came to you lately, but he wasn’t doing it on purpose to hurt you. He just happened to be caught in the middle of something he was trying to keep you as far away from as possible.

Taking his silence as evidence of guilt, you stared up into his eyes, wanting him to see the proof of grief in your reflection that his actions had caused. You wanted him to hear the severity in the words that lacerated your tongue as they slipped past your lips that had been bitten raw from your tortured anxiety.

“You never once lied to me before Frank, ever. I don’t know why you’re choosing to start now, but if I hear one more lie come out of your mouth, I am done. I will walk out that door and I will have nothing to do with you ever again, that's it. Do you hear me?”

That caught Frank’s attention. There was no waver in your voice, no threat in your tone, just raw emotion and sincerity. 

For the past month, Frank had been acting strange. You’d caught him in three white lies, and while they may have seemed small and trivial to someone else, they were anything but that to you. Because you’d been stuck with a pathological liar before, and there was no such thing as harmless lies. A lie was a lie, and it was a crack in the foundation of trust and integrity that you’d built with Frank, and a crack could turn into a rift, and a rift could divide you and make it all come crumbling down.

Since yours and Frank’s schedules didn’t always line up, you’d both done everything you could to make every moment count since your first date. But lately, it felt like you were the only one putting in the effort. Frank was chronically distracted these last few weeks. He was late to meet you for dates, he didn’t call when he said he was going to, and sometimes you didn’t hear from him at all until the day was practically over. And when he was with you, Frank was physically present, but mentally he seemed to be somewhere you couldn’t follow. Even sitting right beside one another, it felt like there were oceans of distance separating you subconsciously. 

At first, you’d tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. It was one little white lie. One missed call after a long day. Just fifteen minutes of waiting at the restaurant. This was Frank, the man who had saved your life more times than you could count. He was different. This was real. You had nothing to be concerned about.

But then one white lie turned to three, and one missed call turned into not hearing from him until an excuse appeared across your screen at half past midnight, and fifteen minutes late turned into not showing up at all. His behavior planted a seed of suspicion in your mind that grew like wild ivy, coveting the sense of security you had in him with leaves of doubt, sprouting spirals of diabolical hypotheticals that canvassed your brain with catastrophe. 

Every knot of faith Frank had woven into your heart with his actions over the last nine months were steadily being unraveled by his own hand in a matter of weeks. The confidence you had in him was now frayed in shreds and left you in a fit of mania, scrutinizing his every intent under a microscope. 

You had been here before. You’d been lied to, manipulated, cheated on, pushed to the brink of insanity, and eventually left behind. You recognized all the signs of duplicity and betrayal, but you’d covered your own eyes so you wouldn’t have to acknowledge them, because it was Frank. 

Blunt-and-brutally-honest, jump-in-front-of-a-bullet, remembers-every-little-detail, got-his-knuckles-bloody-for-you, killed-for-you, Frank.

And that’s why this hurt so much. That’s why this dagger of deceit tore clean right through your chest, leaving you standing in the middle of Frank’s living room, hysterical and furious for an elixir of truth that could make this pain go away and heal your belief in him once again. He’d been so MIA lately that you had spent hours camped out in front of his apartment building tonight, waiting to see his truck pull up just so you could follow him inside and finally have this conversation face to face.

Frank could hear in your voice that he’d hurt you, and even worse, he could see the evidence of it shining in your eyes. The pieces of yourself you’d lent him to patch up his own heart were suddenly bleeding at the seams seeing how his unintentionally selfish preoccupation had left you marooned. Shame didn’t begin to cover the way he felt. He knew he needed to be honest, but he couldn’t tell you everything.

Not yet.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. But it ain’t what you think, sweetheart.”

“Then what is it? Explain it to me.”

Frank took a seat on the couch and gently patted the space next to him, looking up at you with diligent patience while you internally debated between standing stubbornly or giving into his request to sit with him. After a moment you finally sat down, but you intentionally put space between the two of you and folded your arms across your chest in a silent gesture of defensiveness. Resting his forearms on the tops of his thighs, Frank clasped his right hand over his left wrist, staring down at his worn boots while deciding his next words carefully.

“I got a new assignment.”

The quiet tone of Frank’s voice and the lack of eye contact while he spoke immediately caused a spark in your nervous system. 

“Where?”

“I don’t know yet.”

Frank let a moment of silence pass before turning his head to look at you with an apologetic gleam in his warm brown eyes.

“I’ve been helpin’ Madani with somethin’.”

Pinching at the bridge of your nose, you let out a slow exhale of irritation. Frank had already strained your patience with his behavior this past month, and his obscure responses were only making it worse.

“Why are you being so secretive about this?”

“It’s complicated-”

“Complicated how? You didn’t have to hide the last job from me-”

“This one is different-”

“Different how? That doesn’t make any sense-”

“You gonna let me talk? Or you gonna keep yellin’ at me?”

The way you clenched your jaw and narrowed your gaze at his quip made Frank regret letting his own frustration get the best of him. You were already pissed off, now was not the time for him to snap back at you like he normally did when the two of you argued about something. A wave of annoyance quickly crested within you. The second you stood up from the couch, Frank’s large hand reached out to grab your wrist.

“Hey, c’mon. Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what?”

“Walk away from this conversation-”

“What conversation, Frank? You’re not doing anything but giving me vague excuses. What the hell am I supposed to do with that?”

Frank gave your wrist a gentle tug to get you to sit back down next to him on the couch. He once again waited calmly as you stood defiantly for a moment before reluctantly sitting back down. He let his large hand glide across your wrist to take your hand into his own, holding it firmly in his lap while cocking his head to the side to try and catch your gaze.

“Look at me, sweetheart.”

When he gave your hand a gentle squeeze, the prolonged pause of silence caused you to eventually shift your attention back to Frank, and you could see that his brown eyes were a deep shade of contrition.

“I’m sorry. I know I’ve been distracted lately, and I haven’t been ‘round like I shoulda been. And you’re right, I did lie to ya, and I’m sorry ‘bout that. I’m not tryin’ to keep things from ya, sweetheart. It’s just…this one is…it’s different.” 

“Why? What makes this one so different that you have to lie to me about it?”

“It’s personal.”

Now it was your turn to be perplexed. You thought Frank was long past holding you at arms length and keeping up a fortified impenetrable steel wall around his heart and mind. He’d opened up to you before, talked about his life in the Marines, told you about the family he’d loved and lost, even spoke about them more comfortably and freely now without the shadow of grief looming over his words. Why was he back to shielding his vulnerability?

“Personal?”

Frank knew you wanted more of an explanation. You needed more. And he hated that he couldn’t give it to you right now. He hated that there was still so much that he was holding back from you, and that it was his own fault you were even doubting him in the first place.

“Listen, I can’t explain it right now, alright? But I will. When it’s all said and done, I’m…I’m gonna…I’ll have to tell ya some things first, some things you may not wanna hear and probably won’t like hearin’. But I promise, I’m gonna tell you everythin’, alright? I just need you to trust me right now.”

Every word Frank spoke hid another piece of the puzzle he was crafting, and you were left with misshapen gaps of confusion. You didn’t know what he meant by saying there were things he had to explain that you might not want to hear, or how that factored into the job he was currently working. Nothing he was saying made any sense to you, and it only left you with more crucial questions than justifiable answers. Pulling your hand away from his, you got up from the couch and started to stressfully pace back and forth.

“So the reason you’ve been a shitty boyfriend lately is because of this new assignment, that you can’t tell me anything about, other than it’s personal, but you can’t explain why that is. And it’s going to take you somewhere eventually, but you can’t tell me where, because you don’t even know yet, and even if you did, you still wouldn’t tell me. And I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that you have no idea how long this is going to last, but you expect me to sit here and act like everything is fine between us and trust you even though I have no fucking idea where you’re going or what you’re doing. Did I miss anything?”

Frank could hear the barely concealed hostility in your tone. He couldn’t combat a single thing you said. When you finally stopped pacing and turned to face him, staring at him expectantly, a ring of treachery was blazing around your irises. He could see it right then in your eyes. If he didn’t fix this, he would lose you.

Slowly rising from the couch, Frank stood there with a dispirited weight resting on his shoulders, a look of pleading softening his warm brown eyes. 

“I’m gonna handle this as soon as I can, I promise.”

“I can’t do another month of this, Frank.”

“Then it won’t be another month. I’ll figure it out before then.”

“How?”

The resentment you felt towards Frank was rapidly fading into pure desperation. All you wanted was an answer, a real answer. Something of substance that you could understand, something tangible to hold onto during this period of uncertainty. Frank could feel the despair radiating off of you in thick sorrowful waves, and the fact that you were close to forfeiting this argument had him instantly tensing as the chill of dread straightened his spine. He had to give you something.

“Listen, Madani gave me some intel, alright? I’ve been followin’ it, tryin’ to find proof she’s right, or if she’s just seein’ what she wants to see.”

“But why did she give it to you? What can you do that Homeland Security can’t?”

Frank stared at you silently for a moment, and you could see a look of hesitation flash in his eyes. There was something there, something you couldn’t figure out. But you could tell by the expression on his face that there was a lot more to this than it being a top secret assignment from Homeland. Whatever it was, it had everything to do with Frank. You just couldn’t figure out why. After a terse minute of silence, Frank stood up a little straighter while subtly clenching his jaw, and there was a hardened look in his eyes.

“Cause it’s connected to someone I know.”

The way he spoke that sentence with an ominous undertone sent an icy torrent down your spine. Sensing your trepidation, Frank let out a deep sigh and glanced around his apartment for a moment while lost in thought before eventually looking at you again, this time with a softer gaze.

“Look, I can’t explain it all right now, sweetheart. All I can tell ya is that Madani needed someone she could trust on this, and I owe her a debt.”

Letting those words sink in, you tried to put your biased emotions aside for a moment and think logically about what Frank was saying. Dinah had asked him for a favor. Part of you found it  surprising that she came to Frank and Billy, considering the way she acted towards Billy the day Steven was arrested. But maybe that look of distrust and disdain had everything to do with the complicated relationship they’d had that Billy mentioned. 

If Frank was working for Dinah, then he was working for Homeland, which meant he probably didn’t have a choice but to keep everything from you. And yet, here he was still trying to give you crumbs of explanations, and promising to tell you everything once this new assignment was over. At least you could lay the fear to rest that he was seeing someone else. Standing here now, you felt ridiculous that you’d restlessly jumped to the conclusion of an illicit affair. But in your own defense, it had been difficult to think clearly when Frank’s covert behavior mirrored that of past boyfriends' unfaithful performances.

As your shoulders physically deflated from your own conspiracies unraveling just to get tangled in a new set of ambiguities, you let out a deep exhale and rubbed both of your palms tiredly down your face, grasping onto the back of your neck for a moment. When you first showed up at Frank’s apartment, you had felt completely warranted in your anger. Now, you weren’t sure if you had overreacted in your manic state, or if you still had a right to be upset with Frank. At this point, you just felt drained from trying to balance on that tightrope of your own conflicting emotions.

Frank had saved your life several times over, and Dinah personally made sure that Steven would spend the rest of his life in prison. You owed them both everything. The least you could do was show them a little patience. 

“Alright. Fine.”

In the nine months that Frank had known you, never once had you conceded in an argument. Even when you were in the wrong, you struggled with admitting that you had been erroneous. Frank’s blood ran cold with the thought that he might have pushed you too far healing the casual defeat in your voice. He didn’t want you to give up on him like this. Frank quickly took a step towards you the second you took a step towards the door, reaching out to gently grab your arm.

“Hey, hey c’mon. Don’t go.”

“Frank, I’m tired-”

“Then stay. Just stay here, c’mon. It’s late, yeah? Stay.”

Frank wasn’t giving you any room to decline the offer disguised as a command. One of his strong arms slipped around your waist, pulling you firmly into his chest while his large hand gently cradled the back of your head. He pressed his lips in a soft, lingering kiss to the crown of your head, hugging onto you tightly while resting his cheek against the side of your head. The rigid tension in your body lethargically began to melt, and Frank’s deep gravelly voice whispering into your ear dismantled the last of your defensiveness.

“Just stay with me, baby. Please stay.”

Frank knew that he didn’t deserve you. He didn’t feel that he’d earned this second chance at life he was getting. But he would be damned if he’d let anything ruin this now that he had you. He would’ve told Madani to go to hell if he’d known the favor was going to cause such a big disruption to the peace he’d found within you.

But not only did he owe his second shot to her, he desperately needed to know the truth himself.

“When will you leave?”

Frank hugged onto you even tighter, rubbing his hand along your lower back in soothing slow circles.

“M’not sure yet. But I’ll tell ya as soon as I know, I promise. And I’ll make sure you’re taken care of while I’m gone, yeah? I’ll be back before ya know it, baby.”

Hearing the soft sigh that sounded from you, Frank nuzzled his nose into your hair and whispered gently to you.

“Listen, I won’t take no more jobs like this, alright? I’m gonna handle this for Madani, and that’s it. I won’t do anythin’ else that’ll take me too far from you, yeah? I’m not gonna leave ya, sweetheart. I told ya I’m always gonna be here. I meant that then, and I mean it now. You ain’t ever gotta worry ‘bout that.”

You tried to find comfort in those words, but you weren’t in the mental state to accept any vows. You couldn’t get past the glaring truth that Frank was hiding something from you, and until you knew what it was, that crack of dishonesty would continue to slowly spread. You had a sneaking suspicion in the pit of your stomach that whatever verity Frank was concealing had the potential to shatter everything; unveiling the illusion that your relationship hadn’t been formed out of the impervious stone that you’d believed in, but rather of futile glass.

tags: @thyme-in-a-bubble @day-dreaming-goddess @messymissy @itwasthereaminuteago @strawberry1042 @queenofthenoobs @wanda2themax @xcastawayherosx @avengerstower-houseplant @stevenknightmarc @ponyosmom35 @babygal-babygal @wellwwhynot @oldermenaremyreligion @combustiblemeow @tired-night-owl @fairykiss32 @danzer8705 @calkissed @fxckahs-blog @lemon-world1 @polskiperson @imperihoe @v4leoftears @harperdoodle @spideyvibez @joalslibrary @cherry-berry-ollie @sorrowfulfragmentation @kdogreads @sumo-b98 @blackhawkfanatic @gloryekaterina @whistle1whistle @starbritestarlite @callmebrooklynbabes @hallway5 @scarletfvckingwitch @bifuriouslatina @soupyspence @fireeyes-on-teller-dixon-grimes @wonwoosthetic @linguist-breakaribecca @nerdytreeflower @mrs-bellingham @smhnxdiii @s3riou2 @slavic-empress

#frank castle #frank castle x you #frank castle x y/n #frank castle x reader #frank castle x female reader #frank castle x fem!reader #frank castle x f!reader #frank castle fic #frank castle series #the bodyguard series #bodyguard!frank castle fic #bodyguard!frank castle series #bodyguard!frank castle x reader #the punisher #the punisher fic #the punisher series

[xhdream]

so bc you’ve done dom!intak, i’d like to request some sub!intak headcanons if you haven’t already! as a dom i think intak is such sub material, especially maybe a puppy sub 🙏😍 thank you so much!!

sub!intak is ready to do anything to please you, and he does it well. he never complains and he never asks for something he knows he hasn’t earned yet. he’s patient; always looking up at you lovingly with the biggest puppy eyes, waiting on his knees to get a permission to feel you. “can i? please.” most times he pouts unconsciously and it’s adorable. when you say yes sometimes he asks “really?” because he never wants to disobey you

sub!intak is constantly pussy drunk. eating you out is his favourite time of the day. just say the word and he has his tongue out for you - no matter where you are. if you’re out, he rises on his feet the moment you whisper at his ear that you want to cum now. he gets so immersed in the moment when he’s between your legs that he often ends up overstimulating you without realising until you pull him away. it’s not his fault that you taste so good and addictive, but he apologises anyway. he becomes a mess as he devours you; drools a lot, pants a lot. if you’re on the bed the sheets earn a big dark spot, and if he’s on the ground while you stay with one foot on his shoulder, his saliva drips on his neck and chest

because he’s so eager to be on his best behaviour for you, he appreciates when you guide him; either vocally or with your hands. it’s a big turn on for him when you get a little rough, and you don’t shy away from getting what you want. push him back with your foot, especially if you have heels and they stab the skin on his chest. move him by the hair where you want his mouth to be. put pressure on his boner with your knee as he begs. his cock twitches from excitement even if you slap him on the face. usually you don’t need to do these things, because he’s always a good boy for you, but you can spice it up like that when you’re too needy and horny that you turn impatient. he finds you really hot in that moment - when you can’t control your emotions from needing him to please you so bad

sub!intak loves when you ride his cock, (face too) and think about your own orgasm. he can be working on his laptop and you will not hear one complain if you come and sit on his cock, because you feel like it. his hands stay obediently on both sides of his body as your hips chase your high, and he whines with pleading eyes about how good it feels, and how happy he is that you use him to get off. he has the prettiest fucked out face and the most arousing exhausted voice ever. he’s such a pretty sight to look at underneath you as you ride him with two fingers into his mouth so he has something to suck on while he falls apart

#💌: xhdream inbox #p1harmony hard thoughts #p1harmony hard hours #p1h hard thoughts #p1harmony smut #intak hard thoughts #intak smut #p1h x reader #p1harmony x reader #intak x reader #piwon x reader #piwon smut

[kittenintheden]

Not Your Sweetheart Ch 34 - Lavender

Not Your Sweetheart Chapter 34 - Lavender

The one where I absolutely delight in reminding everyone that Astarion has a dead average 10 charisma and an 18 CHA Tav gives him a run for his goddamn money in all the best and most angsty ways.

AKA "gets away with it bc hottie w/a body" meets "wins every social interaction and is also troubled and hot."

AKA the seducer gets seduced and he's mad about it, until he isn't.

But also it's a whole campaign? You know. Do not enter unless you're expecting true-to-life D&D -- everyone hot as hell but stupid as fuck. Get your top-shelf found family and hotties battling for flirt dominance tropes here. 

---

We start off with some spicy and end on some sweet and everything in between is incredibly awkward and funny. Read on AO3.

Commissioned piece of the dorks by the fantastically talented @hamrikaa (see the full thing in Ch 10).

---

“Are you cold?” comes a voice from beside him.

He whips his head around to find the tiefling girl peering up at him. When she doesn’t look away, he glances around to see who she was talking to. “What?” he says.

Arabella points at his arm. “I rub my arms like that when I’m cold. Are you cold?”

“No,” Astarion says, forcing his arms to his side. He clears his throat and looks out over the camp until she wanders off.

She does not wander off.

“Sorry,” she says, though she doesn’t sound it. “I just thought maybe some of you were getting sick.”

“Why would you think that?” he sneers down at her, folding his arms in front of him so he doesn’t fidget.

The girl arches an eyebrow at him. “At least half of you were moaning and groaning partway through the night. I thought it was whatever you all ate. I think Karlach may have been hallucinating. She kept talking to someone who wasn’t there. If you’re not sick, then what?”

Astarion stares. The gears in his head turn, click into place, and he takes a sizable step back.

“No,” he says, putting more space between them. “I am not the one for that talk, no. I’m going to go away now. Do not follow me. Ever again.”

Arabella frowns a little at his retreating back before two of the women walk by, each carrying rations and water toward the fire. The tiefling sighs and says after them, “That’s not what you had last night, is it?”

Shadowheart stops and looks around, confused. “I don’t think so. Why?”

“Don’t want to end up with a bellyache. You all were louder than Mirkon’s snoring until late.”

The half-elf goes immediately pink up to the tips of her ears. “We, erm,” she says. Swallows. “No one was sick. The food is fine.”

“Then what in the hells?” Arabella huffs. “No one tells me anything.”

Shadowheart’s mouth works as she tries to formulate a response.

Before she can get there, Lae’zel says, “I imagine you overheard us having various forms of intercourse, child.”

Very slowly, Shadowheart turns to look at her with wide eyes.

#astarion x tav #astarion x original female character #astarion x oc #astarion bg3 #bg3 fanfiction #astarion smut #astarion fic #astarion fluff #bg3 #not your sweetheart

[sexynetra]

I am on a mission to learn how to draw can you believe these are literally only 4 days apart I’m feeling so pussy pussy cunt cunt rn

#also I know it doesn’t look like Marcia I literally today learned how to draw facial proportions I can’t fuck around too much yet #also I liquified her she wrong so it’s a lil fucked up but #I’m v proud :) #didn’t even touch hair or body or anything but that’s fine I just want to learn to draw Marcia’s face right #that’s goal one #I will not rest until I get this down #I will become the expert in drawing Marcia’s face #also do you love that I can’t remember any makeup look except the red and white one #I’ve used it for like 6 drawings of her now #anyways it’s crazy what a single 10 minute video on how to properly proportion a face can do #also I don’t know what my style is yet bc I just started so obviously that factors into things #anyways! #artist advice is always welcome critique might (will) make me cry :) #encouragement is always… encouraged 😉 #anyways I’m v happy with myself #even though I opened the canvas and lost track of time and blinked and it was 2 am #also can I just say it took me a few tries but I’m loving the lettering on her name :) #okay that’s it I’m going to brush my teeth and fall asleep #also I’m still trying to figure out all the secrets of procreatepls aid #marcia #marcia x3 #marcia marcia marcia #drag race fanart #my art #also there’s only a one hour difference between how long it took to do these that’s so funny #wow #also in my defense! #I was trying out different styles so I was trying to copy a more cartoonish style #but still :) #also it looks so warm on my phone rn bc I have night mode on but the colors are so pretty on my iPad :) and presumably here once night mode

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

the reason i’m not afraid of aging is because i want to be a hot middle-aged man who has a toxic yaoi relationship with another middle-aged man

#u know i used to be so afraid of aging until i realized that i want to be a dilf. now it’s kinda exciting #i realized recently that i could never picture myself living past my twenties until i pictured myself as a man #but like. i want to be a man and a woman and nothing and everything #but like. i’m cool with how i look now for the most part idk if i would want to transition physically at least not rn #and rn i still dress fem enough that everyone goes straight to she/her #and i like she/her but it hurts rn #bc some of my family has switched to they/them or it/its and it’s just so soothing #but family that knows i don’t like it still use she/her and phrases like ‘daughter’ or whatever even more often on purpose #and it hurts bc i don’t really feel the need to change the way i dress/look but i know everyone assumes she/her #when they see me in a dress or skirt. even w how very not-cis my fashion sense is #but also i fucking hate pants which is a separate thing (prob autism tbh) and even if i wore pants they’d still use she/her #thinking of changing my name to something very masc so i can confuse people enough that they’ll stop defaulting to she/her #and i haven’t told ppl outside my immediate family so idc if they use she/her but i’m fucking pissed when ppl in the family do it #anyways side note when i was 12 my ideal gender (b4 i knew about being non-cis) was a floating consciousness w no body #or a plastic-doll-like creation that’s smooth all over #… i still want to be a floating consciousness actually lmao. it would be great #back then i hated being a girl but i didn’t know there were more options and also i was socially isolated (didn’t leave home for like 2yrs) #and my mother was openly transphobic whenever the topic was brought up so that was my only real experience #but i didn’t really internalize it other than the fact that my mother would be rude if i ever happened to be not-cis and guess what? she is #anyways it’s like 2am and also i’m only awake bc i was captivated by a sugar daddy middle aged gay fic for a show i watched like 5 episodes #for 2 years ago #sorry for rambling in the middle of the night lol #gn y’all

[stealingyourbones]

Re: you are playing half-life

1) GOOD IT'S GREAT, needs a bigger fandom outside hlvrai. Also maybe look into Black Mesa- the fan made modern remake that is *absolutely beautiful,* one of the few games that would probably actually be worth $60, but is actually only $20, and is a faithful recreation with modern technology.

2) siren pups are called houndeyes! Headcrabs are probably p obvious, but also, the squid face dogs are bullsquids, and the three-armed aliens are vortigaunts!

3) pleas don't slander my boy Barney Calhoun like that he's just a security guard not a cop and in fact is canonically, actively anti-cop/anti-facist in HL2 please he doesn't deserve to have his game rejected like that PLEASE LOVE MY BOY-

Ok im sorry that's all I'm done I'm just passionate about these games I hope u enjoy them ok bye <3

!!! Oh bro you’re so good!! I absolutely LOVE people talking about things they’re passionate about and have a bunch of facts to share!!!!

I KNOW THE NAME OF THE HOUNDEYES NOW!!! Today is a good day :)

I shall play Blue Shift then fuck yeah!!! Was just about to start Half Life 2 so I’m glad I found that out beforehand and play everything in series! I’m absolutely gonna check out that fanmade game that sounds so cool!

As a kid I was pretty much fully isolated from video games as a whole and honestly it’s been a BLAST playing games that are spoiled or well known for many but completely unknown for me! I finished playing the Portal series a few weeks ago and MAN I now know why it is on such a high pedestal!! The games are wonderful and the characters are absolutely iconic. Currently going through well known earlyish PC games, the Doom games, Portal, Half-Life, and slowly chugging my way through chronologically so I can see how video gaming as a whole progressed and evolved! It’s so neat! It’s really hard trying to play a few games though, lots of games expect you to know a lot of stuff so I have to watch lots of videos to make sure I’m not forgetting a Super Important button that does a Super Important Game Mechanic. It’s so cool tho!!!! I’m having such a great time!!!!!!! Thanks for the ask my guy!! :D

#bones replies #if ANY of y’all have reccomendations for games PLEASE tell them to me!!! #y’all I didn’t realize games were so expensive it’s WILD but understandable for like super well crafted and long games but WOW!!! #is cool tho! #first game I ever played on PC was Manual Samuel to get a feel for controls… my biggest mistake #Half-Life #half life is such a blast and it’s funky and fun!!! #I’ve only accidentally broken the maps twice but both were fixable by reloading saves #the F6 key is a lifesaver dude #I’m so bad at games because I really don’t understand what I’m doing but I’m having so much fun!!!! #took me 37.6 hours to finish Half-Life on hard! google says it should take me 12 hours #but I’m getting better!!!! #tutorials that half life games give you beforehand are SO nice dude!!!! it’s really cool because I don’t know shit #I’m rambling but dudE #that fuckin god raspy ass bitch suitcase man with the green portals #idk who he is and I’ve made it my MISSION to not search up his name until I’ve fully completed the series bc- #people go INSANE when I describe him as the crusty dusty suitcase motherfucker and I want to keep myself in my Unknown State because- #I want the true comedy of whatever I’m saying to hit me then. #i don’t care WHAT that suitcase fuck is. he’s a lil bitch who owes Gordon rent money from sending him to stasis without closing his lease #I’m super excited about these funky vide of games if u can’t tell

[professionaljester]

love being 25 and not knowing how to socialize bc i’m autistic and off putting and cringe so no one wanted to talk to me/wanted to be my friend growing up so now i’m an adult with very few friends or ppl i talk to on a regular basis bc i never learned how to socialize or text properly bc no one taught me how

#abc shut it #vent #i’m so lonely it’s not even funny #my talking to myself has just gotten worse in the past few months alone #i just want some friends i can do watch parties with and play games with damn it #i’m so bored and lonely all the time #my life has just been work sleep and chores and it’s driving me insane bc i have nothing breaking up the routine #like it doesn’t help no one texted me bc i was poor and had didn’t get a smart phone until is was basically too late :) #like i know part of it is the depression but #idk i just don’t do anything when i get home #sometimes i do art sometimes i game but usually i just lose track of time staring at tumblr and the next thing i know my few hours— #after work are gone and i have to go to bed #like don’t get my wrong i LOVE my coworkers but i need some more friends within my own age bracket #like is it to much to ask for a group of friends that will watch anime and movies with me in our own discord server #like is that literally to much to fucking ask of the universe can i be allowed to feel like an actual normal human being that’s connected #to the human experience for once in my fuckkng life #and not feel like some sort out outlier that doesn’t fucking exist to anyone #i’m to a point where i think and feel like i’m not even real! lol #like idk i would just like there to not to be days where i literally don’t communicate with anyone #and know what to say when ppl DO text me bc when ppl do text me i half the time don’t even know what to say #and forget the message is there and get to scared to reply after too much time has passed like #i know it’s a me problem that therapy would help but im terrified that it won’t #that i’ll just be going therapy and still be a lonely autisic looser who doesn’t know how to communicate without being off putting #or being too much

[jemmo]

i can’t tell you how much i usually hate these ignoring, distancing plots in shows and how much i absolutely adore everything about these 2 episodes of the eighth sense. like im not having a good time, and it’s fantastic.

bc the thing is, in all of this, i can’t see the right way to go, i can’t find the person to blame, i can’t find the way to make it better. I can’t single out a single moment or a thing someone did and say “this is why everything went wrong”. it’s just this coming together and rise and swell of things happening and people feeling things that has us ending up here and it feels beautifully and horribly organic bc we can’t find that point where it all went wrong. was it on that rooftop? was it at the beach? was it when they first met? was it when his brother died? was it when he was born into this family? there is no single point. it’s all of them and it’s none of them. there is truly nothing and no one to blame. and there are bad characters in the show, people you can hate, eunji and taehyung, but neither of them are to blame for any of the bad stuff that happens in the show. you’re not waiting for them to be taken down bc that doesn’t solve anything. instead, it’s just two people hurting, and not knowing how to make it better.

bc you take jaewon, and after what he says at the end of ep 8, you want to hate him, you want to be so angry at him for what he says, for how he acts, how dismissive and hurtful he is, and yet you’ve been made to understand 100% why, and not just in a “i get it but that wasn’t the right thing to do” way, in a “that was horrible and yet i know he doesn’t see any other way to handle this” way. like you don’t see this as a misstep, or a step to far, bc you know for him, in his state of mind, it is completely justified, it’s necessary. bc it not only punishes the person he blames for all of this, himself, but he sees it as a way to protect jihyun. and not even in a cliche “bad things happen when people around me, the people I love always get hurt” kinda way, but more so in that he sees that he is a scared, messy, struggling person that doesn’t know how to handle himself, and doesn’t want to inflict that on anyone, let alone the person he cares about. so what’s worse, a quick, swift blow that hurts but cuts everything off cleanly, or this prolonged relationship where he inevitably continues to weigh jihyun down with the weight of his trauma, and take it out on him. what’s the point of having a place of refuge when you ruin it more and more every time you depend on it, until it eventually can’t offer you comfort. it’s a lesser of two evils, jaewon’s choice is obvious to him.

but then you take jihyun. and we talk about masks and fronts but we never once question whether jihyun wears a mask bc he appears so sweet and innocent and naive, what can this boy possibly be putting up a front for. but i see it, this almost fake it till you make it confidence front that yes is becoming more natural. but my god just think about what he’s gone through for a second. think about it. left home for the first time in his life, moved to an unfamiliar and intimidating city with only one other person he knows, started a new job, started university, tried to build relationships, met a man that intrigues him, and perused him only to be kissed and then ignored, then maybe establish something tentative, only to then see him spiral, go on a trip where he shared his trauma, you have an intimate night together only to almost die, and then be not only ignored, but plain and simple rejected and pushed away. like… you can say all you want about jihyun growing as a person and having more courage, but no amount of growth for however many months this has been going on for can prepare you for that. for the mixed messages on steroids. for the back and forth, not knowing. to give yourself to someone like that and go through something traumatic and then be abandoned by that person. we get it, bc we see all of jaewon’s story. but apart from what jaewon shared at the beach, jihyun doesn’t know any more than that. he doesn’t know about therapy, about how his father acts towards him, about the extent of his trauma and how it manifests and affects his mental health, and how he is struggling every single day. and you can’t expect him to know the depths of that no matter how empathetic and connected he is, how much he cares about jaewon, he can’t be superhuman. and so you get why he pushes and fights for jaewon. like… he is in love. it’s clear. he’s fallen in love with him. he is this wide-eyed, open kid that fell in love with a senior. and jaewon has just messed with his head, he’s never been clear, and you can’t expect jihyun to just get past that bc he knows something is up with jaewon. he can’t know the full story, but even if he did, that can’t be a reason or a justification to be treated the way jaewon treats him. bc we’re all about jaewon putting himself first and doing what he wants and respecting himself like that, but jihyun deserves that too. and it’s such a fine line to tread when you know someone is going through something, bc again you understand why, but you’re still the one being treated that way. like we talk about jaewon’s trauma, but here jihyun was part of it, he went through that traumatic experience. he’s the one that nearly lost his life. and yes, he appears to handle it well, and no matter to what extent that’s true or not, you can’t not look at jaewon struggling and understand it and then not look at jihyun with that same understanding. it’s not about comparing trauma and pain and deciding who is suffering more, it’s seeing that there are two people in this, and they’ve both been affected, so we should give them the same level of understanding.

and that’s something jaewon has to see. that his self-preservation is selfish. that his destructive behavior doesn’t just affect jihyun, instead it feels pointed and directed, bc every way jaewon hurts himself hurts jihyun. and it comes bc jihyun was so much of what was good about jaewon’s life for a second, so attacking that is his only form of self-sabotage. he can’t mess up his relationship with his friends or parents bc they were broken in the first place, and he can’t sabotage his future bc it’s already been ruined the moment he didn’t pursue his photography major. him nearly getting kicked out of school affected him so little not just bc he wanted that punishment, but bc even that punishment meant so little to him. all these things are established and they already contribute to his suffering. removing jihyun from his life is the only active thing he can do to make himself feel worse, and he can veil it in an act of protection, and even feel like he’s doing the right thing, but that deceives them both into believing this is done from a good place, when no good can actually come of it. in trying to protect jihyun, you hurt him more. in trying to hurt yourself, you hurt him too. and when someone is in a headspace like jaewon is, you look for that thing that’ll break through. bc he is so distant, he’s trying to remove himself from reality, and jihyun needs to act as this person that can anchor him to it. when you’re trying to isolate and separate yourself, sometimes seeing that you still affect things, that there’s a persons that exists that is affected and hurt by your actions, and no matter how you try to cut yourself off, you cannot stop that, separating yourself still hurts them, maybe that’s a thing that can get through. but that’s something that depends on jaewon. ultimately, he’s the only one that can get himself out of this place, and that’s what makes it so hard, that no matter how much jihyun cares and how much he fights for him, nothing can come of that effort is jaewon doesn’t meet him there. and it’d be so easy for jihyun to give in, to take the hurt, but over the course of this show we’ve seen the strength jihyun has developed, which has only seemed to increase more so after the accident, call it a renewed vigor for life or something. he has the strength that jaewon doesn’t, to not let his pain consume him. and in a beautiful full-circle moment, it’s because of jaewon, bc when they first spoke he sparked in jihyun a want to be stronger, to be more than the country mouse, and he’s done it. and it’s that courage that means he can fight for jaewon, even in the face of rejection. he trusts himself and that he knows jaewon, the real jaewon, to see past words that are intended to hurt them both, and go after the person that’s still inside jaewon somewhere. no, he can’t do it for him, and no them being together is not some magical cure for jaewon, but it’s what can put him on a path of caring for himself again, and sometimes that has to start with caring about someone else (and suddenly I’m reminded of my beautiful man 2 and how kiyoi tries to break hira out of his worthless mindset by making him care about him, and how ultimately that can’t be enough, and that hira has to take those first steps of seeing his self worth by himself). what jihyun can do by fighting is again act as that tether to reality and try to be this representation of the good jaewon can be and do. bc look at jihyun, look at how confident and strong he has become, and look at how he got there, bc you saw that country mouse and gave him the time of day and helped him grow and gave him new experiences. you jaewon, you. and that shift in mindset, from jihyun representing hurt and the accident and the trauma of his brother and everything he can’t do, to being that light and refuge and everything he can do is again something that might breaks through. and the fact it has such narrative strength and satisfaction makes me hopeful that that’s what we might actually get.

#I did a rant #I’ve done a lot of rants actually they’re all just sitting in my notes bc they all got a little too much #my thoughts are a literal mess and I am still struggling to put them in all the right words #mostly bc the way jaewon is behaving and not to be too overinvolved is very reminiscent of *me* #and so watching him shut down and remove himself knowing it’s something i do is hard and frustrating #and I did a whole rant about it but I realised I need to separate myself from the character to be able to talk about it #so yeah #I really wanted to bring up jihyun tho #bc he presents as so strong in these two eps but you cannot argue against what he’s been through and the effect that would have on anyone #and try to see it from a perspective where we don’t know what jaewon is going through and just see his actions and realise how much he has #messed with jihyun again not at all on purpose but that 1000 to nothing jihyun went through from the trip to the accident and it’s aftermath #that’s a fucking lot #and it’s interesting that we talk so much about people putting themselves first and not putting up with shit #like I think of simon from young royals and how we celebrate him saying no to being willhelms secret as an act of self-respect #but bc we understand and empathise so much with what jaewon is going through it’s hard to make yourself even consider jihyun #but when you do see it from his side you realise it’s a lot for him too #and that you wouldn’t hate him or misunderstand him if he was mad at jaewon #and with *spoliers* is there only so much he can take of jaewon’s self sabotage hurting him until even he and his developed strength and #confidence is broken by it #he can only keep fighting for jaewon for so long and idk if it’s gonna be a case of jaewon coming round too little too late #but I just hope this isn’t easy which sounds mean I don’t want either of them to suffer more #but this isn’t a kiss and get back together and all is good #I think jaewon needs to see the bad he’s caused #bc it’s only by owning up to that that he can ground himself in the moment and see that he’s part of this world and can’t separate himself #from it and jihyun also needs to realise that no matter his headspace jaewon does want space and when someone is self sabotaging you still #have to listen and respect what they’re saying distance means distance and as much as you want to fight against it you can’t be responsible #for making it work #agh I need to stop rambling bc it’s so messy and complex and I just absolutely ADORE the level to which this situation has so many emotional #moving parts and how ultimately blameless they both are and how it makes it so much harder to see a way out it’s fantastic #the eighth sense

[trashbaget]

tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”

#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with #but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this #i can’t just. talk to the guy #if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that #i can barely even say hello to him #don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like #ah fuck there he is #okay you can do it just say hi #just say what’s up #and then he’s already gone #also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin #ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍 #but like. ​i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction #or like. an actual conversation. #which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or #i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what) #anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴 #i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at #least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.) #anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault #too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair #but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side #where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20 #mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡 #but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number #who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21 #his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦 #cheers to being fools universe

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

skipping class for the first time in my life bc my professor has covid and he sent out an email saying we’re having class and he’s asymptomatic and will wear a mask per cdc guidelines even tho he’s past the 5 day required isolation period. like. great whatevs but have you actually tested negative

update: the answer was no he had not

#stressed as FUCK #it’s fine we have a textbook and he doesn’t take roll #hoping he doesn’t do an extra credit activity but if i miss it for the sake of my health so be it #i have to go home afterwards anyway bc i have an appointment the next day with my thyroid dr #stressed abt that too bc my mum has dropped all precautions as if she isn’t in her 60s and didn’t lose her husband to covid #and idk what my sibling is doing but i know they’ve stopped masking at their practices and i wouldn’t be surprised if they stopped masking #all together. they also only wear cloth masks but at least it was something #idk i just feel like im the only one not ignoring it. like. when my dad got sick i asked him early on if he could smell and he was like #‘I’m just congested’ and my mum was like ‘no he’s just sick it’s not covid’ and then we waited until it was too late #like. i tell my mum that there’s nothing we could have done bc i don’t want her to feel guilty but like #idk. part of me thinks that if people had just listened to me and gotten him tested earlier and not lived in denial that maybe he’d still be #here. and my mum is pretty healthy but again she’s in her 60s. i don’t want to lose another parent to covid. or if she gets it and has it #bad or ends up with long covid then im gonna have to come home to take care of her or. idek. like i don’t live at home anymore so i can’t #pick up the slack if something happens to her. and my sibling definitely can’t #it’s so stressful. did we not watch the same process of my dad rapidly deteriorating. by the time we took him to the hospital he looked like #a corpse. he was completely grey and his eyes were glazed and he couldn’t even sit up or wave goodbye. has she just forgotten that happened #am i the only one who remembers watching my dad deteriorate in front of us #vent tw #covid tw

[pallases]

ourgejjg

#i am feeling so ill rn for no reason and i need to shower and wash my hair so bad but i can tell if i do it rn it’ll make the #lightheadedness ten times worse and there is a nonzero chance i will just pass out in there 😭 #best guess is bc my period started today and yeah the first two days suck but they’re not usually This bad #personal #also this is the last thing i need rn it’s tech week and all rehearsals lately have been going/are going to go till 10 pm and i have no tim #to do all my assignments and my probability prof assigned a lab today that’s due TMRW AT MIDNIGHT? <- we usually get a class period btwn #it being assigned and the deadline and he’s not even giving us until the next class period to do it now like why is it due at midnight #instead of noon the next day… also i have not one but two exams immediately following this weekend and i really want to see my family for #easter but that sounds like such a bad idea im so unproductive at home and i’ll be busier than usual when i go home on top of that bc easte #and one of the exams is circuits for which exams are worth 90% of our grade and im averaging a 74% at the moment which is NOT #promising and. AAAAA #also have an exam this thursday which imnot nearly as worried abt but still. and i have to meet w someone abt a scholarship tmrw during my #free period so i Still can’t work on that stupid lab due tmrw night like. this sucks okay ‼️ #the engineering chronicles #the music chronicles #i know it was only a matter of time before musical started stressing me out but 😭 please give me back the joys of saturday’s rehearsal… #oh also there’s ANOTHER probability lab due day after easter and same day as circuits exam and the prof is the same so he knows full well #what he’s doing like. why are you not giving us the usual period in btwn for these anymore fuck you <3 #OH ALSO soldering qualification i need to do for like 3 hours wednesday the night before my thursday exam. nearly forgot abt that one i hat #it hereeee #soldering i could reschedule tho which i might do. but ive already pushed it back once so im like :/ do i really wanna do that #idk. still feel sick as fuck and still need to do physics prelab tonight 😭 it shouldn’t take long but i really don’t want to get up and #stare at my computer even more ifeel so awful rn #ANYWAY. sorry that was oversharing even for me i am just 😐 you know.

[astridthevalkyrie]

feeling like you’re 12 when you’re 22 is genuinely such a humiliating experience.

#my dad and mom have been on my case ab asking for permission before I go places and it makes me kinda sick #seeing everyone around me make plans or whatever and then being like ‘I’ll have to ask 🥺 👉🏽👈🏽 #’ #and my dad’s a liar he’s like it’s not like we ever say no #except my mother does and so does he??? #even the muslim girls I am friends with have more freedom and you know what’s amazing ab this is #they can’t stop me from going to school. they don’t pay for that #they can’t take my car. they don’t pay for that #my mom can stop making food for me and I will manage just fine #they wanna kick me out???? blessing in disguise #but it’s hilarious that as an adult i’m still paying for everything I use but I still have to ask permission genuinely fuck off #my parents when I have to stay late on campus for some school event: 😒 #the way I’d be making money rn if they didn’t decide to come and stalk me at work and see me without my hijaab on #and that one’s on me I could choose to just work with it on and make them happy #but I literally can’t as a matter of principle #i’m given such little pride as it is and if I say I don’t want to work with a hijaab on that’s that #i got an internship two days ago for the summer and you can bet your ass I’m not wearing my hijaab #except it’s not paid #and as much as I have guilt spending I really don’t spend a lot and it makes me so angry #i know that your 20s isn’t your whole life and people shouldn’t think that if they waste their 20s their life is up #but it’s like #my teens were already so shitty and abusive and trapped #how much longer do I have to deal w this before i’m treated like an adult #trick question! it’s only until a man can own me bc then he can make my decisions instead of them <3

[bo0zey]

every time my dad yells even if he’s just “raising” his voice to call one of my brothers over to him i flinch and my heart rate speeds up n my stomach drops n churns n i feel sick n if i think abt it too much like i am now my eyes sting just slightly like something inside me wants to cry from fear even tho i’m many many feet away safe inside my room alone w the door shut i still feel so so unsafe and it takes many many minutes and moments for me to calm down again i really hate this reaction i’m 22 years old why am i still responding like this trigger as if i’m a child i’m an adult he can’t yell at me anymore in fact he’s not even yelling AT me he’s yelling at someone else but still i jump n i feel my pulse pounding in my ears n temples i wish i would just stop being such a baby i wish i was stronger i don’t want to be afraid of people anymore

#‘im not yelling i raised my voice’ that’s what i heard my entire childhood growing up he even said it to me a few weeks ago when we #got into a heated argument and he kept pushing and pushing me and trying to gaslight and manipulate me and accusing me and i remember #thinking just before i snapped ‘im not a little girl anymore i can yell back’ and so i did and we yelled back and forth a few exchanges #until HE started to backdown a little like did he realize too that i’m an adult now and if he wants to scream and yell i can too??? #we were outside im sure all our neighbors could hear us i was embarrassed but seething #if he wasn’t gonna be embarrassed then i wouldn’t either #sometimes i am so disgusted by my father and the way he treats the people he claims to love he makes me so angry and disgusted #but then he has this hold on me??? as soon as he starts to cry/get choked up then immediately all my rage n disgust seep out of my body #from the core of my heart to the tips of my fingers those emotions bleed out of me and dissipate into the air and i’m left feeling guilty #instant guilt and for WHAT???? for making HIM upset???? after all the times he’s made me breakdown and hurt myself bc no one would comfortme #and still yet everytime i feel the need to comfort him and downplay my emotions and i KNOW he’s manipulating me it’s so OBVIOUS but i #i fucking Can’t Not protect him i can’t let him sit there in that hurt guilt shame WHATever it is #and the reason i’m torn and feel like this is bc i genuinely think he believes what he’s saying and isn’t purposely TRYING to manipulate me #but he doesn’t realize how MANIPULATIVE and SELFISH he truly is he’s Delusional and has ZERO emotional intelligence 000000000000000000000000 #so how can i be angry when i know he doesn’t understand he’s just too stupid to understand he’s like a child the child doesn’t understand #they don’t understand complex emotions #i don’t understand why daddy makes me cry and stares at me with cold enraged eyes but when he cries i fold everytime #it’s so gross of me how weak i am disgusting who could ever love someone so pathetic #ramblings #tw childhood trauma #tw trauma

[lilgynt]

naturally i’m gonna be very upset at 6:09 am after an all-nighter over my brother and his actions

#personal #not the middle one we’re okay rn and talking again and he helped me get with my new job #even tho we haven’t spoken about the door and im not supposed to know he paid for it #so good but watch out #the eldest one i’m like hey i was gonna forgive ghosting me or flaking on plans you made with me for our dad #or not communicating that you already got everything done with said dad and all i really knew was my dad asking asking asking for his #eldest son and struggling for an answer for him #and even like not checking on me at all after i got kicked out and bringing a girl back and asking me to pretend to be asleep #god i regret not sleeping in a rest stop like planned that was so much worse #and also you and other brother just ignoring me begging for help telling you i got back into my ed and honestly going through the worst #time of my life also weed dependent to just cope and also my job sucked. minor but still #but again was ready to let it go bc you were so obviously in pain at the funeral i couldn’t be mad at that #but like why. after i offered to clean up after ur dogs did you um. ask me to do it again #then cussed me out after i asked that you don’t ask on the dot of when my shifts end #and then after mom told me i was selfish while struggling with a full time job and taking care of my dying father and struggling with that #and i was just asking what ur living situation was bc i felt like. hm. being told i’m awful for struggling during my dads death is a lot #instead of just saying no you go on a rant about how when we finally want to move in with you you’re doing something else and general #shit giving. instead of again. just saying no. or hell. checking on me. #so it’s like i’ll love you until every star gives out i can’t fucking look at you bc i’m so hurt #we haven’t talked since then and im not gonna hear from him till he asks what i want from christmas or he needs something #christ last time he checked on me was a segway to helping me going about the hoarder house as he loves calling it #i can’t believe i sent him photos of our dads writing saying i love you and his only question was is it still hoarder central #i was gonna type something mean i’m gonna lay down #i don’t want any gifts why would i want a gift. told him that i was hurt and didn’t want a gift my birthday and he responded and it’s gonna #and he’s didn’t respond* #be the same game during christmas #you brought a girl over on such an awful fucking night for me why would i want a gift #and it’s not like he hasn’t been there and doesn’t love me it’s just i’m hurt #and it’s not like he had all this space and my other brother and i never used it! i got kicked out and stayed a night! #other brother moved in with you! sorry circumstances led to me staying longer! just say no!

[sammygender]

listened to three episodes of mabel (the podcast) yesterday. SO good, holy shit. i’ve been meaning to listen for years and i get it immediately. just the first episode was so good. turns out i’m not actually that hard to get into podcasts i just haven’t been finding the right ones…

#i KNOW wtnv is meant to be good. i know i know i know. and the vibes are on peak!! i loooove the energy!!’ #But nothing happens. bro. nothing fucking happens. not yet at least #im sorryyyy i need stuff to grip me!!! i enjoy wtnv when i listen to it but i can never listen consistently bc i never ever find myself #wanting to know what happens next #i mean sure i’m only a couple episodes in #but #is the whole show like this?? or does it get more….. plotty? character driven? #it’s got such a huge fan base on here but then again this is the site that can turn anytning into a fan base #same applies for. like. the penumbra podcast. idk i think i tried to start it and i was just like… don’t care. sorry #i have such an I don’t care. issue with media in general. i don’t tend to watch tv alone because i WILL just switch it off. i gotta pick #something and CHOOSE ok i am watching this for the next few weeks! and then set designated times to watch it with my siblings #its just like mehhhh. idk. im picky and i can take mediocrity and find gold in it but i have to be submerged in the mediocrity for that to #happen #but like anyway. wolf 359 is one of my favourite things ever and i thought it was funny and a cool concept at first but it probably would’ve #ended up like every other podcast if i hadn’t told my brother about it and he hasn’t immediately binged the first season #told me it was fucking amazing #and therefore motivated me to speed through until i got to the endish of s1 and went Oh yeah this is some GOOD SHIT. #so maybe i just gotta do that with more stuff??? #but anyway. mabel is reaaalllly good #mabel podcast #oliver talks