Fanservant: Emer
Thank you once again to @vivienna-vivid for this amazing drawing of Emer she did for me.
Emer
Class: Assassin
True Name: Emer
Gender: Female
Region: Ireland
Source: Irish Mythology (Ulster Cycle)
Alignment: True Neutral
Height: 165cm
Weight: 66.7kg
Parameters
Strength: D+
Endurance: B-
Agility: B+
Mana: C-
Noble Phantasm: B
Luck: B-
Class Skills
Presence Concealment Rank E-:
As an assassin class servant, this skill was a natural one for Emer to possess. However, as she is not trained in the ways of an assassin, nor does she naturally do much to hide her presence, this skill does not do much for her.
Personal Skills
Six Gifts of Womanhood
Emer possessed “The Six Gifts of Womanhood'' , and these manifest in her servant self as a skill that allows her to resist mental attacks and afflictions.
Golden Rule (Body) Rank A
The possession of a perfect, goddess-like body. Beauty was one of the many things Emer was regarded for. It is obvious that Emer would have this skill, both after asserting her superiority over the other women of Ulster at Bricriu's Feast and proving to be a rival to the Fairy Queen Fand.
Fighting Words Rank A
The ability for Emer to reduce the strength and ability of opponents she's fighting by asserting her superiority over them via her words. Is more potent against female targets, and even more potent against Fae, being particularly devastating against opponents who are both.
Noble Phantasm
Oinor Con Eimhear: My Honor, My Words, My Deeds -
A vocal noble phantasm that manifests the power of Emer’s words. Activated by announcing both her own true name and the name of her Noble Phantasm, it laces Emer’s already charismatic and convincing speech with magic. This speech-based magic can have a wide variety of effects, from compulsion to encouragement. However, the most potent use of Oinor Con Emhear lies just beneath the surface. Truly, Oinor Con Eimhear works its magic best on a particular type of person: particularly those who remind her of her beloved husband. While compulsion from Emer would be practically irresistible (similar to how Emer’s words enabled Cu Chulainn to rise from his sickbed in order to go seek a cure) it is at its strongest when used to support these kinds of people; supercharging their magical energy and enabling them to fight with incredibly fervor. As you can see, Emer’s utility as a direct combatant is fairly limited, but her utility is nearly unmatched.
Personality
The perfect wife in all manner of ways. Chaste, humble, and wise.
A braggart who never misses the chance to boast her prowess and superiority.
Such is the contradiction of Emer, famed for her chastity, yet dirty talks Demigods in front of her friends and boasts about how all the Ulstermen would abandon their wives for her if only Emer would encourage it.
She’s more restrained as a servant than she was in life, preferring to keep her more blatant boasting infrequent, and sneaking in more subtle boasts where she can. Adds a bit of flavor to the boast, in her opinion. In spite of this, she still maintains an open confidence regarding everything she does.
For all her outward confidence and poise, she has something of a weakness for those who remind her of her husband (or heroes in general). These types can get her flustered surprisingly easily.
The perfect housewife with iron will, atmospheric standards, and an ego to match even the greatest of heroes.
Motive and Attitude Towards Master
Emer treats her master with a kind of reserved respect. While she is outwardly kind and respectful, she still judges her master based purely on her own standards. A brutal honesty is taken towards them - although not for the sake of being rude.
Emer’s wish for the Holy Grail is “To Spend One More Week Alongside her Beloved''. She has no interest in a full second life, but a week should be enough to enjoy all there is to enjoy. Enough time to properly say goodbye on her terms
Historical Depiction
The Wife of Cú Chulainn, greatest hero of the Ulster Cycle of Irish Mythology. The youngest child of Forgall Monach, and his favorite child. Even at a young age, Emer displayed all of the gifts of womanhood (Beauty, Sweet Speech, Needle Work, Voice, Wisdom, and Chastity).
Cú Chulainn came to woo her when they were both 16, and it was love at first sight. However, Emer refused to be married to a nameless child, and demanded that Cú Chulainn perform great deeds before he was worthy to marry her. She also warned him against her father’s defenses, simultaneously providing him with great deeds to satisfy her. Cú Chulainn went off to train in the Land of Shadows, and soon enough returned, strong enough to thrash Forgall’s armys and retrieve Emer.
Later, when the trickster Bricriu plotted to turn Ulster against itself, Emer competed against the wives of Ulster’s other two greatest heroes, and definitively bested them in both a footrace and a contest of words. Later, Emer would attempt to convince Cú Chulainn that he was going to fight his son Connla, but failed.
Emer’s greatest adventure in the legends would come during her husband’s wasting sickness, after the assault on him by Fand, wife of Manannan Mac Lir, a member of the Tuatha De Danann. It was Emer’s words that roused him from his wasting sickness in order to go to Fand in order to seek a cure. When Cú Chulainn returned with Fand, having fallen for her during his time in the Otherworld, Emer gathered a group of 50 women to kill Fand. When Cú Chulainn tried to argue on Fand’s behalf, Emer’s words decisively outmaneuvered both her husband’s and Fand’s, and he was returned to her. Manannan himself then appeared, to guarantee that Cú Chulainn and Fand would never cross paths ever again, with either Manannan himself or the druids of Ulster wiping the incident from the couple’s memory (this memory wipe is no longer in effect when Emer is summoned as a servant) . This dispute between Emer and Fand was one that she won decisively - cementing both her iron will and reaffirming her status as “the best” even when compared to Queens from the Otherworld.
When Cú Chulainn’s end finally came, she mourned him greatly, and some even say that she allowed herself to be buried with him.
Relationships
Cú Chulainn (Lancer): Her beloved husband and model image of a hero. She takes him far less seriously than many others who may have known him - treating him with an extra layer of familiarity you’d expect from his spouse. Her wish for the grail is to reunite with him, so that they can say goodbye on her terms.
Cú Chulainn (Caster): Something of an enigma to Emer. While she knew magecraft was something her husband was capable of - she never remembered him preferring it compared to the spear or the sword. Of course, once she finds out how Caster Cú Chulainn himself feels about this situation, teasing him about his spearlessness came naturally.
Cú Chulainn (Prototype): Another enigma to Emer. While he certainly reminds her of “her” Cú Chulainn, both his younger age and nature of being from a different world/timeline makes her less open towards him compared to the other versions of her husband. She’ll still address him as “husband” but the two are far less close than Emer is with other Cú Chulainns.
Cú Chulainn (Alter): A Cú Chulainn not allowed to be “Cú Chulainn”, instead, the product of a wish made by Queen Medb upon the grail. As such, this is the Cú Chulainn Emer finds herself the most distant from, the one most separate from her. However, this does not stop Emer from loving him, from still seeing the Cú Chulainn within him.
Queen Medb: In spite of being the one responsible for the death of her husband, Emer treats Queen Medb surprisingly amiably, akin to a friendly rival. Whether this friendliness is mutual is far more debatable.
Diarmuid Ua Duibhne: Emer’s feelings towards Diarmuid are…conflicted, to say the least. While she admires Diarmuid on a personal level, and respects him as both a hero and a knight, his connections to Mannanan and fame for usurping the partner of a great hero make Emer uneasy due to causing an association with Fand.
Gilgamesh: The arrogant king of heroes who is the “Natural Enemy’ of her husband. If Emer’s feelings towards Diarmuid are “conflicted” then her feelings on the King of Heroes are downright tumultuous.
Archer (EMIYA): Someone she notes has something of a…”complex” animosity towards her husband. Emer decidesthat their business has nothing to do with her and to engage with Archer on her own terms. They get along reasonably well, but are still rather distant.
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A Retelling of Bricriu’s Feast
(or, as I like to call it, “Who Will Be Ireland’s Top Couple?”)
disclaimer: this is a very paraphrased, pieced together retelling of a myth. it’s got bits that are summarized and bits that are added and bits that are skipped over and bits that are from a ton of different versions.
it’s how I would tell this story to someone who has no prior knowledge of Irish myths; when I retell Irish myths to kids, this is usually the style I tell them in. it’s meant to be funny and entertaining. it’s not at all scholarly. if you want the actual myths, please feel free to ask! I’ll tell you my sources so you can see the original.
with that out of the way, here we go:
Bricriu throws a feast and he’s trying to get all the Ulstermen to fight
bear in mind he spent a year building a lavish house SPECIFICALLY for this purpose, with a secret balcony for him to be able to see everything going on without being seen
Bricriu is The Troublemaker™ of Ireland
anyway when everything’s ready, off he goes to Emain Macha, where the king of Ulster (Conchobar) and the Ulaid (men of Ulster) are throwing their own party
Bricriu tells Conchobar about all the cool house he built and how he’s throwing a feast there, wouldn’t he like to come? Conchobar, not being great at recognizing when Mischief Is Afoot, is like, “sweet! I’ll go if everybody else will go”
then good old Fergus mac Roich and all the other chieftains go, “mmm...hard pass”
“if we go to his feast, he’ll make us fight, and then our dead will outnumber the living”
you think they’re being dramatic but you haven’t seen Bricriu’s response yet
Bricriu: if you don’t go to my party I’ll do way worse than that
Conchobar *side eyes him*: like...what?
Bricriu: I’ll make all the kings and warriors and youths and chiefs fight each other, and you’ll all murder each other unless you come to my party
Conchobar:
the other Ulaid:
Conchobar: yeah, no, we do that on a daily basis anyway. what else you got?
Bricriu: okay, if that’s not bad enough, I’ll make all the daughters and mothers fight each other, and if that’s not enough for you, I’ll make all the women fight each other until their breasts are RUINED
the Ulaid: *horrified gasp*
Fergus, a known womanizer: noT THE WOMEN
Fergus: we gotta go to this party
luckily, the other chieftains hold off long enough to come up with a plan (mainly due to Sencha, a judge and poet, who is like. the only one here with any common sense)
and their plan is to demand hostages from Bricriu to ensure their safety AND as soon as the feast is ready to be eaten, eight swordsmen will force Bricriu to leave the room so he can’t incite them to violence
outwardly Bricriu’s all, “of course! no problem! I just want us all to have a good time!” while on the inside he’s cackling maniacally or something
“YES THEY FELL INTO MY TRAP”
all the Ulaid happily march off to Bricriu’s new house (free food! drink! a good time had by all! except NOT)
Bricriu spends the whole time plotting, and finally hits upon a way to incite mischief (as he usually does) along the way
he sidles up to a hero named Loegaire and starts praising him (very poetically, might I add), and finally tells him that he definitely deserves the Champion’s Portion
[scholarly digression #1: the Champion’s Portion in Irish mythology is where the warrior who’s considered the bravest is awarded the best cut of meat and given precedence over all others. lots of fights get started over it. like this one!]
and Loegaire’s like, “no duh, of course I deserve it”
Bricriu says that Loegaire should take his advice if he wants to be recognized as The Best in Ireland, and Loegaire happily agrees (I guess he also is Unable To Recognize when there is Mischief Afoot)
Bricriu then goes off and describes what the Champion’s Portion will be at his feast
(it’s a descriptive list, Irish myths do this a lot, but basically it goes like this: a cauldron big enough to fit three men full of wine, a boar and a cow that will be super tasty because of how they’ve been fed, and 100 wheatcakes cooked in honey)
forgot to mention that the Champion’s Portion doesn’t just have to be the best cut of meat, so there’s that
and then he tells Loegaire that when the feast is ready, to have his charioteer stand up and the Champion’s Portion will be given to him
questions: how?? where is it all gonna go?? is Loegaire expected to eat that in one sitting???
alas, there are no answers given to us
by the end of this, Loegaire’s all pumped up and tells Bricriu that the portion better be given to him, or else blood will be spilled
when Conchobar said that killing each other was a daily occurrence, he wasn’t kidding, guys
Bricriu then goes to Conall Cernach, another hero, and repeats the same spiel, amping up the deceit, so he’s twice as slimy, I guess
Conall also doesn’t recognize Stranger Danger and falls for the lies
THEN Bricriu goes to Cúchulainn (who is, just so you know, the Hero of this particular cycle of Irish mythology), and really lays it on thick
Bricriu: why should anybody else get the Champion’s Portion when you exist?
Cúchulainn: anyone who tries to take the Champion’s Portion besides myself will lose their head, courtesy of me
Bricriu: nice. very violent
Bricriu then goes and mingles like there’s no tomorrow, pretending that he didn’t just set up the most awful prank ever
they get to the house, everybody settles in, the feast gets set up, and then everybody gives Bricriu The Look
as he’s being escorted out at swordpoint, he points out the Champion’s Portion and says it should go to the best warrior in Ulster
the Irish equivalent of Eris throwing the Apple of Discord into the midst of the Greek gods, only manlier
the three heroes’ charioteers stand up in order to get the champion’s portion for their respective masters and do a collective double take when they see the others, only with more shouting and insults
then the three heroes start fighting while the rest of the Ulaid sit at the table, looking at each other like “I just wanted to eat my food, can we please not”
finally Sencha tells Conchobar, “hey. can you like...be the king and stop this?” (I told you he was the only one with any common sense)
Conchobar and Fergus break up the fight and then Sencha says, “right, here’s how this is going to work. we’re going to divide it equally among everybody tonight—YES, everybody, sit down, Loegaire—and then tomorrow we’ll get judgement from elsewhere. everybody go off and get drunk now”
which they do, happily
Bricriu, sitting in his hidden balcony with his wife, is Not Pleased at the way his mischief is being ruined, courtesy of Sencha, and starts thinking up ways to start up fights between the wives who accompanied their husbands here
he sees Fedelm, the wife of Loegaire, leaving the hall with her fifty attendants, in search of fresh air (because they’d all been drinking a lot) and goes, “oh! new idea!”
he tells her (and then as they come out in turn, Conall’s wife Lendabair and Cúchulainn’s wife Emer) that whoever gets back inside the hall first is the Best Woman in Ulster
all the ladies are like, “nice. it’s going to be me”
gotta love that confidence
they mosey about outside, breathe in that nice night air, and then eventually decide to go back in and rejoin the party
so at first, they’re walking back all stately. then, they start to move faster. and then it becomes an all out sprint
they cause so much noise (because their attendants are really confused and also running, and there’s probably about a hundred of those people) that all the warriors, inside, think they’re under attack
they jump up and make as if to kill each other
because that’s a good reaction
but then again, as you’ve seen, the Ulaid will kill each other for no reason at all, so why are we surprised
but Sencha’s like “WAIT THIS IS BRICRIU AGAIN” so he orders the doors to be shut so that there won’t be fighting and killing on behalf of the women
Emer’s the fastest, so just as the door closes she reaches the entrance and tells them to open it because she won. Cúchulainn’s like, “sweet,” and gets up to open the door for her, but then the other ladies’ husbands go, “wait. MY wife is the best,” and they get up too
they don’t even know what their wives are competing in, but they support them anyway
now THAT’S some relationship goals right there
FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
Conchobar’s all “STOP STOP STOP” and makes them all sit down (though if I was going to bet on that fight I would bet on Cúchulainn) and he says they’ll have to duel this out with words
(epic rap battle)
(but not really)
so each of the other ladies give a quick speech about how they’re the bestest and queenliest and prettiest, and their husbands are the greatest heroes, and so they should be let in first
and then Emer destroys them
she’s like, “okay you might be pretty but actually WAIT NO YOU’RE NOT”
“I’m the most beautiful AND I’m the wisest AND I’m the most graceful in the whole darn country”
“and everybody KNOWS IT”
“Mary Poppins might be practically perfect in every way, but I’m actually perfect in every way”
(obviously I’m doing some extreme paraphrasing here)
and then she goes, “oh, you know who else is perfect? my husband” and basically calls the other ladies’ husbands feeble when compared to Cúchulainn and goes on a rant on how great her husband is
anyway, after this praise, all the husbands are all, “yeah, my wife is DEFINITELY the Best so I’m gonna let her in now. doors? who needs doors?”
the other two rip out parts of the wall so their wives can come in
but Cúchulainn casually lifts up one side of the house so Emer AND all her attendants (plus the other wives’ attendants) can get in
which they do, and Emer’s looking around like, “yep, I am the Best and so’s my husband, beat that”
and then Cúchulainn goes “meh” and drops the house, but it goes too far into the ground so it’s lopsided now
which happens to knock Bricriu and his wife over off their secret balcony into the mud
so Bricriu storms into the house, unrecognizable because he’s covered in mud, points a finger at the Ulstermen and yells, “FIX THIS,” and puts a geis on them so they won’t eat or sleep or drink until everything in his house has been put back in order
and the Ulstermen are like “oh no” “our dinner is in danger”
(as their dinner often is)
so they go out and do their best, but it doesn’t budge. they ask Cúchulainn to fix it and he tries to lift the house again, but fails. he gets angry about this and gets undergoes his warp spasm (a.k.a. all his hair gets sucked into his head and his ribs become really prominent and a lot of weird stuff happens to him. like the Hulk, but more disturbing. I don’t know. Cúchulainn goes through a lot) and puts the house back where it was.
then everybody’s like, “thank god, food,” and they sit down to eat.
but everybody’s still talking about who is The Best, and the women are still arguing about it, which makes their husbands get up in arms about it, so finally Sencha (still the only one with any common sense) goes, “guys. please. we’re eating. save the drama for after the food”
and Emer goes, “make me” and proceeds to reiterate why she and Cúchulainn are The Best. why? because she can. and nobody’s gonna stop her.
so Connall says to her, “okay, and? let’s see him do all this great stuff you’ve been saying he can do”
dude’s looking for a fight I guess
Cúchulainn, normally all about fighting everybody, passes because he had a busy day and needs to recuperate before fighting anyone
which is true, he had a very busy day. he was busy wrestling a horse that came out of a lake so he could ride it everywhere.
goals
and then he lifted up an entire house. twice. dude’s tired
he tells everybody this and then says, “fighting you will be fun, but later. need to eat. and sleep. then I’ll fight and maybe kill you”
*thumbs up*
anyway the fighting is put on hold for a couple days
but then the heroes start bickering about it, so Bricriu tells them to go to a man named Curoi mac Daire so he can judge them
you know the drill. each hero sets out separate from the others and rides through the night, with their charioteers. at some point a magic mist shows up and makes them lose their way. a giant appears and they fight. Conall and Loegaire end up running away, ditching their chariots and charioteer. tsk, tsk. Cúchulainn, however, beats up the giant, who forfeits. Cúchulainn heads back towards Emain (and he brings the other heroes’ stuff back with him to boot)
do they thank him? ABSOLUTELY NOT
Bricriu’s about to give Cúchulainn the Champion’s Portion, but the other heroes go “uh-uh. no way. that was not human. that was a guy from the Otherworld. he’s probably a friend of Cúchulainn’s. that whole thing was RIGGED”
so nothing’s solved and everyone’s back to fighting again
Conchobar’s all, “gotta get these guys OUT of here,” and decides to bring them to Aillil and Medb in Cruachan (a rival king and queen, who are kind of like the Ulaid’s frenemies? it’s complicated)
everybody heads off to Cruachan, but Cúchulainn hangs behind to entertain the ladies by performing feats with apples and knives and javelins, as one does
his charioteer Laeg finally goes up to him and says , “dude. buddy. are you stupid or what? everybody else has already reached Cruachan by now, you’ve lost the Champion’s Portion”
this is usually how Laeg talks to him, btw
running on Pure Spite™, Cúchulainn says, “I think NOT” and they set off towards Cruachan, Laeg insulting him the whole way to make him go faster
they go so fast that they get there first
also they cause an earthquake on the way in
rip
more feasting commences
then Conchobar brings up why they’re here and gets Aillil and Medb to agree to be the judge. as soon as that’s done, he and the other Ulstermen yeet themselves out of there as fast as possible
depending on the version, three magic cats attacked the heroes while they were eating or while they were sleeping. either way, Conall and Loegaire jump to the rafters and stay there for the rest of the night.
Cúchulainn doesn’t do anything until one of the cats tries to eat him or tries to eat his food (it’s unclear). either way, Cúchulainn ain’t having it. he tries to chop off its head, but it bounces off the creature’s neck. because magic. so he basically stays on guard against the cats all night
(kind of reminds me of all my friends with cats who try to walk on their faces during the night so they have to protect themselves)
(Extreme Cat Owner Sport)
in the morning, the cats disappear, Aillil and Medb come in. “awesome, looks like we have a winner,” they say, eager to wash their hands of the Ulster heroes. “NO WAY,” say Conall and Loegaire. “that was RIGGED. this is a contest between MEN, not MAGIC PEOPLE. this doesn’t count”
it’s unclear whether they’re still in the rafters at this point. I like to think they are, because that’s way funnier
Aillil’s like “oh dear” and sits in his bedroom for a few days because he’s so worried about this. finally Medb loses patience (as Medb often does), and says, “you coward! make up your mind or I will”
Aillil waffles and says the decision is really difficult
Medb says, “think again. Loegaire and Conall Cernach are as different as bronze and silver, while Conall Cernach and Cúchulainn are as different as silver and gold. this decision is a piece of cake”
and then Medb goes, “wait, I just had a really great idea that will get these guys out of our hair AND make Conchobar upset. I’m going to do it”
“you’re not even going to think about it for a second?” Aillil says uncertainly
“absolutely not. I’m a genius.” and away she goes
she summons the heroes one by one
to Loegaire, she says, “you are Ulster’s greatest hero and you deserve the Champion’s Portion. here’s a bronze cup. but don’t show it to anybody until you get back to Ulster, m’kay?”
Loegaire goes “nice” and they both drink some wine. then he leaves for Ulster
she does the same spiel for Conall, only he gets a silver cup instead of a bronze. they drink, he leaves.
Medb sends someone for Cúchulainn because he hasn’t shown up yet.
in one version, he’s asleep.
in another, he’s playing chess with Laeg.
anyway, the messenger shows up and Cúchulainn offs him with either a rock or a chess-piece. he’s a big fan of killing the messenger. this is not a new thing.
Medb puts her arms around his neck (is she trying to hug him? stab him? who knows) but Cúchulainn is all “you’re about to get slaughtered if you don’t get your hands off me”
“but Cúchulainn, I was going to say that you’re The Best,” Medb says, very slyly
“well in that case let’s go”
they go, Medb tells him that he’s The Best, and gives him a really sweet golden cup with precious gems all over it. and, bonus, she says that Emer is also The Best
this makes Cúchulainn happy. he drinks a lot of wine and leaves.
which makes Medb and Aillil happy. everybody’s happy.
but it is not The End yet
in some versions there are more tests, but I’ll sum them up for you: everybody agrees Cúchulainn and Emer are The Best
there is definitely a pattern here
gosh if only a decision had been reached by multiple sources as to who’s the best so that all this fighting could be put to rest
alas
it was not to be
back on the ranch
in Ulster, all the heroes are back and it is Feasting Time
everything’s been served except for...
dun dun dun
the Champion’s Portion
someone asks the obvious question: “who’s it going to? none of the three returned with a prize from Medb”
DUN DUN DUN
Loegaire stands up and proclaims that he is the champion because Medb said so and also he has this wicked bronze cup she gave him so there
Conall Cernach and Cúchulainn scoff
Conall Cernach stands up and says “it is a well known fact that rock beats scissors and furthermore, that silver beats bronze”
he holds up the silver cup Medb gave him and declares himself the winner
“that’s a no, actually,” Cúchulainn says, and pulls out the really sweet golden cup Medb gave him. “rock beats scissors and silver beats bronze, but gold beats everything. so, actually, I’m The Best. also Medb said Emer is The Best so there.”
“absolutely not,” the other two say. “you totally paid Medb and Ailill to give that to you. LET’S FIGHT”
these two are very sore losers, aren’t they
Cúchulainn’s all “COME AT ME” but Conchobar and Fergus step in to restrain the other two (again)
sad
anyway, everybody agrees that this is getting to be way too much but they can’t think of a solution
what do they do
THEY FEAST OF COURSE
so everybody’s feasting and whatnot, when suddenly the doors blow open, all dramatic like
and in comes a giant, who’s super ugly and frightening. he’s carrying an axe and a chopping block
surprising no one, he’s not here to sell some Girl Scout cookies
it gets really awkward because the giant’s glaring at them and they’re trying to avoid his gaze until finally Sencha asks what he wants
the giant says “I want to meet someone who can keep a bargain. I’ve been all over the world looking for such a person, but I haven’t found him yet. I’ve heard that you Ulstermen are always boasting about your bravery and your honor, so I’m here to put it to the test.”
Conchobar goes “alright, sounds lit. what’s the bargain?”
“well, first of all, you and Fergus are disqualified because you’re kings, so jot that down,” the giant says. “my bargain is this: someone chops off my head tonight, and I chop off yours tomorrow”
(scholarly digression #2: this sounds like a King Arthur story to you, doesn’t it? good news! the two stories are indeed related.)
anyway it doesn’t sound like a great bargain to any of the Ulstermen and so they kind of just stare at the giant
the giant finally says (I guess he really wants to play a head-chopping game) “isn’t there some sort of champion competition going on here? who’s the bravest in all the land and all that? well? come on up here and show me who’s the bravest”
all eyes turn to Loegaire
who’s not looking thrilled to be chosen first, let’s be honest
so Loegaire meanders unwillingly over to the giant and says “I chop your head off, right?”
“that’s right,” says the giant placidly. “and then tomorrow I chop off yours”
not exactly reassuring
“but, uh” says Loegaire. the giant hands him the axe. “if I chop your head off won’t you be dead?”
the giant lays his head on the chopping block and says “if I chop your head off, will you?”
which is the teensiest bit chilling, ya know?
but in the end peer pressure wins out and Loegaire chops off the giant’s head, which bounces across the room from the force of the blow
gruesome
everything’s silent for a moment. the giant doesn’t move. Loegaire breathes a sigh of relief.
then the giant gets up, walks across the room to pick up his head, walks back across the room and retrieves the axe from a horrified Loegaire, grabs the chopping block and says “see you tomorrow night.”
he leaves, his neck still streaming blood.
it puts everyone off their dinner, which is the real tragedy of the night
so the next night, everyone is again assembled, but this time they’re waiting for the giant to show up and kill Loegaire (I guess ‘cause there was nothing better to do)
the giant shows up, but Loegaire fled Emain and no one knows where he went
honestly? I don’t blame him
“sad,” the giant says. “who’s next?”
all eyes turn to Conall
he also does not look thrilled at being singled out
but again, peer pressure wins out, so he chops off the giant’s head
probably hoping that this time the death would actually stick
but it didn’t
giant gets up, retrieves his head and belongings, and heads out. “see you tomorrow night.”
tomorrow night arrives, and everybody’s waiting. the giant shows up, but Conall is nowhere to be seen.
“hmph,” says the giant. “you’re all miserable cowards, the lot of you. Ulster’s full of boasters but no brave men. say, where’s Cúchulainn?”
a few fingers point
“he’s a miserable squinting fellow, I’ve heard, but let’s see if he can keep his word”
Cúchulainn’s all “thanks but no thanks” so the giant shrugs and says, “fine, I get it. you’re just scared of dying. not brave at all. oh, well.” he turns to leave
“whAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?”
spoilers: Cúchulainn does Not Like being called a coward
he jumps up, runs forward, and grabs the axe from the giant
“LET’S GO”
he chops off the giant’s head, the giant gets back up and says “see you tomorrow night”
one version I read has Emer none too happy about this, and I kind of like it
“seriously Cúchulainn?? a mysterious stranger shows up and recovers from a beheading, and you agree to let him chop off your head? how can you be The Best if you’re DEAD”
priorities
tomorrow night arrives, the giant shows up and bellows “where is Cúchulainn?”
“here I am,” Cúchulainn says. he’s a lil depressed. understandably.
the giant has him come over to the chopping block and lay his head down. “stretch out your neck more,” the giant says
“it’s stretched,” Cúchulainn says
“it’s too tiny for me to chop. stretch it out more.”
Cúchulainn grumbles, most likely at the implication that he’s short, but stretches his neck out as far as it can go
the giant raises the axe
everybody looks away
the giant brings down the axe so that it lands on the floor. “congrats, you win”
everybody’s all “???”
( Cúchulainn’s all “neato I’m not dead”)
the giant says “you win the contest. you get the Champion’s Portion because you are the greatest hero in Ulster. also Emer is the greatest lady in Ulster. together, you two are The Best”
“aww yes,” Emer shouts. “also I’m glad you’re not dead, hon!”
“and,” the giant says, “anybody who contests this decision can FIGHT ME”
since he can recover from beheadings, nobody takes him up on the offer
Bricriu asks (like he doesn’t already know, pshh) who the giant is. the giant explains that he is Curoi Mac Daire, and he already judged the three of them when Bricriu asked him to (he was the giant that attacked them on the road), and he had chosen Cúchulainn as the winner. he came the last few nights to make sure that his verdict was upheld, since he knew Cúchulainn would be the only man in all of Ireland brave enough to fulfill his part in the bargain.
then he vanishes, and Cúchulainn is awarded the Champion’s Portion, and Emer is given the honor of going before all the other women in Ulster
and that’s how they became Ireland’s Top Couple
The End
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