#but I see so many people be like AH I want to be JUST like Vash he turned me into a pacifist

[onlyhaos]

🗒️ · reader x Jeonghan , fluff

You always loved doing things for the people that you loved, making them small diy gifts, getting them flowers and much more.

One thing that you always did was taking pictures of everyone, but it turned out that being the ‘photographer’ friend wasn’t always easy.

Yes, you loved taking photos, telling your friends how to pose as you hyped them up. They were thankful, since you were now responsible for their instagram pretty posts.

But after some time, you were sad that no one took photos of you.

Even the candid photos you took of your friends, every time y’all went out, were truly amazing.

You didn’t want to ask for candid photos, considering that a candid photo is something that you shouldn’t be aware of being taken.

Because for you, taking photos of someone was a bare minimum.

And you didn’t understand, why none of your friends took out their phone, and did cute picture of you.

Maybe that’s why you felt slightly disappointed or even sad, if you mentioned or asked for one yourself. Not because you thought they’d be mad, but you thought they’d maybe know what you want.

You saw it as just opening the camera app and clicking the button at least once or twice. But maybe you only thought of it like that.

And that thought was swept away the second Yoon Jeonghan entered your life.

“Look! There’s a cat!” You exclaimed, happily, as you walked towards the pretty white feline.

Observing the cat, you crouched down and held out your hand. When the cat came closer, you made sure to look out for a collar, so you knew it wasn’t a stray.

“So trusting,” You smiled, petting the cat gently after it accepted you. “I am already a favorite.” You turned around to look at Jeonghan as you spoke.

Only to see that he had his phone out. At first you thought he was ignoring you, so without noticing, your face turned into a small frown.

“Ah- What’s the frown for, baby?” Your boyfriend asked you, your facial expression immediately turning into a small confused one.

As Jeonghan observed the change in your expression, he just smugly smiled at you.

“Oh, I’m just recording you, see.” He said, and as he turned his phone towards you, his back camera was pointed at him.

You couldn’t help, but let out a slightly louder giggle. “I trust you, since you’re recording with your back camera, and your face is in a funny angle.”

Jeonghan quickly realized and turned the camera back on you. “Well I think that was payback for me, because of me taking that one picture of you this morning.”

Making you shake your head, Jeonghan just snickered at you. He meant the picture he made of you, the second you got into the bathroom that the both of you shared.

You looked completely disheveled, your hair forgot to keep itself in the bun you made the night before and your face looked all squishy. Your boyfriend couldn’t resist that, so he had to take a picture when you didn’t look.

“Come on, we’ll get coffee, since we’re already walking through the park.” He said, making you nod and petting the cat goodbye.

Hurrying over to your boyfriend, who teased you by slowly continuing to walk, you snaked your arm through the hole which was created by him putting his hands in his pockets.

“Thank you for taking so many pictures of me, even if they sometimes look.. a bit special.” You laughed, your sweet and loving laugh putting a smile on your lover’s face too.

“That’s nothing you should ask for, it’s funny and I enjoy doing it more than you think.” He spoke.

“Well just so you know, I also have many pictures of you. Some make me think, wow what a precious handsome man. And some appear in my dreams, my nightmares to be exact.”

Your boyfriend shot a glare at you, making you laugh slightly harder, before he pinched your side gently.

“You’re lucky I love you, and am letting you get away with this. But revenge will come.” He chuckled, kissing your forehead after he intertwined his hand with yours and put it into his pocket.

—— ౨ৎ

In my active era😝 (I literally wrote 2 fics💀) Anyway, I hope y’all liked it!! I turned out completely different from what I intended to write but who cares🙏🏼🙏🏼

#yoon jeonghan #seventeen #seventeen fluff #jeonghan x reader #jeonghan fic #jeonghan #jeonghan fluff

[kiirotoao]

HEYYYY HANA! It's me olive/livy/ hey you/ that one person that always joins your lives I had a recent interaction with a more toxic mileven shipper but they said something that really did make me think so I want your thoughts in their words they said "mileven has been cannon for 8 years now why would they end it all at once" they had said this in the middle of a debate and it really got my thinking like would the duffers really end a relationship that has been built on for 8 years for byler? Plz lemme know what you think

OMG HI YOU 🤭 I’d be delighted to give my two cents, thanks for coming to me, Olive!!

Ah, yes. The age old argument of ‘why would the Duffers break up Mleven after building them up all this time?’ To which I say - what build up does one truly speak of? Yes, they’ve been canon romantic from season 1 since that kiss, technically, but their relationship only became truly canon since season 3. And yes, the show has been in production for about 8 years, but the show spans only about 3 years (1983-1986). Even then, to say that Mleven has been canon for that long just isn’t true. In total, they’ve only spent about 6 months together physically in canon (the fall, spring, and, summer of 1985 just before season 3 starts), and 6 months together long-distance (the summer, fall, and spring of 1986).

Point is, they’ve not been together as long as it seems. They’ve expressed interest from the start, but even then, on El’s side, it’s pretty debatable to me.

Take this scene where El literally asks Mike, “will you be like my brother?” I think I can just leave that there as it is.

Now, I do understand the notion that they’ve been in writing for 8 years. But guess who else have been? Mike and Will. Their relationship is just as if not more important to each other’s growths as characters, especially in season 4.

If you’re looking for canon relationships, look no further than Mike and Will’s friendship. If you need to see clear pictures of encouragement, understanding, and amendment, look no further than everything they’ve done for each other over the years.

All in all, I believe that just because you aren’t directly in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean that the current chemistry is void and only counts when you do get together.

Byler have chemistry, that’s why I think that they could easily get together. And by contrast, Mleven don’t. Throughout the seasons that Mike and El have been together, it’s been a struggle for them to connect. Whenever they do, it’s shallow. Take the reunion in season 4 - El is lying to Mike about being friends with Angela, and Mike is lying to El through his split focus on Will (when he complains about Will “rolling [his] eyes,” “moping,” “basically [sabotaging] the whole day”).

Mike is clearly affectionate to El, but he consistently dotes on her looks and never her character beyond her powers. El is clearly affectionate to Mike, too, but it’s clear to me that any time she reaches out to Mike, wrote to him, tried to talk to him in the void, anything, he just couldn’t seem to reach her in return.

Meanwhile, we have Byler promising to go “crazy together.” They sit and listen to each other. Meeting Will is “the best thing that [Mike has] ever done.” Mike thereafter in that scene talks about Will’s persistence. And we know that Will thinks of Mike as a leader, “guiding, inspiring.” Not only are they affectionate to each other, they’re comfortable expressing themselves around each other, highlighting each other’s positive traits, encouraging, supporting, connecting.

Need some people be reminded that filmwork is essential to TV, and so canonically Mike and Will also have many moments together. It’s not like their relationship isn’t known to us in canon (let alone blocked very specifically, too!).

So yeah, to that statement of “Mleven has been canon for 8 years now” so “why would they end it all at once” I say: it’s only been two years maximum in canon, and they’ve been founded on a deteriorating relationship with another much stronger one right in our faces, so no, yeah, Byler is very possible and wouldn’t be sudden in the slightest.

#byler #anti mileven #byler is endgame #byler analysis #asks my beloved <3 #TY Olive usually finding photos is a pain but I really enjoyed obtaining these

[whump-in-the-closet]

Do you have any unpopular opinions on Whump?

ah. i have a few, i think

my biggest one would be that is that i kinda believe we have enough “whumpee and whumper are two gay boys uwu”. i’ve seen it enough times and while i get it. it’s a favored trope. the people like it. etc. but guys it’s been done so many times. whumpee is just this white boy who’s gay and sweet and innocent and whumper is also white and hot and gay but evil :((( and that’s it. like that’s the whole plot with whumpee in the basement and tortured. there’s no nuance. or fuckin diversity. if we’re going to be dealing with heavy content such as torture and suffering and how the human mind breaks, the dynamic should be deeper too imo. like they should be just as complicated and human and messy as the actual whump is. i think it’s the archetypes that are just copy and paste that bother me. they’re just roles to fill and that’s it, without any actual thought or character development behind it. characters should be more than what you think your audience wants to see. fuck the audience and complicate your characters. whump is messy and the dynamics should be too.

#well this isn’t very well developed but you get the gist of my idea #diversify and invest in character development #at least if you’re writing whump series #yeah this mainly applies to whump series obviously #whump #unpopular whump opinion #troy talks

[smolwritingchick]

That Could've Been Me

I'm still working on the brainstorms but I found this in my documents and hoped it would hold you. A random idea I thought of. Maybe Jennie's private dance practice videos would leak when one of her dance friends gets hacked on Instagram and the hacker posts a few videos of Jen dancing sexy to expand her skill. This is just some randomness. Not sure when I'd put it in if I decide to :)

Maybe a part 2 down the line??

-------

Liked by real__pcy, jparkitrighthere, dprian, jacksonwang852g7, bambam1a, mark_tuan, yu_gyeom, lifeofdesiigner

"Ah, shit...here we go..." Jennie groaned, feeling her face flush with embarrassment as she scrolled through the comments of her latest Instagram photo regarding her dance videos.

The list went on with likes from fans, celeb friends, nonceleb friends and everyone else coming through to her page out of curiosity. So many people were liking the post on her friend's page with the various dance videos and it was NOT supposed to happen. Sure, it was just her dancing but she didn’t want them posted. Especially when she was still in practice mode and was not up to her standards for dancing this type of style. She wanted to post something about her progress but not yet. The leaks gave her whiplash as her notifications began to blow up.

Lifeofdesiigner- hey big head! 

Justrandomeveryday- OK JW! 

Jessicah_o- ummmmm yasssss! 

jacksonwang852g7- WOW!!

bensimmons- I could have been your dance partner Ms.Walker

bambam1a- MA'AM!! 

marktuan- Jennie!!!

She even saw her best friend, Angelina’s comment, 'Lmfaoooo hey big head!! You look like a snack in the videos! Don't sweat it!'

Even her sister Alani, ‘You are sooooo extra with that grinding, ahahahah, go tf off!’

And also her sister Vienna, ‘Someone PLEASE check on Jungkook!!'

Various other comments included:

'I love you!'

'Oh my!'

'And this is all Jungkook’s! Lucky man!'

'Anyone know if she still taken?'

'So are you SINGLE SINGLE? Can I shoot my shot?'

'Dayum look at my mom!'

'Can we learn that choreography and dance together?'

'Jungkook is lucky af.'

'Hey uh…can you open my DM?'

It amused her to see how they were all going on about it. She had planned to post some progress when she felt better about her technique with it. Now everybody knew she was learning a more sensual way of dancing. 

Buzz Buzz Buzz

Jennie checked her phone to read her friend's text, 'Jen omfg I'm so sorry about all this! Idk how I got hacked!'

She sighed. No point in getting angry about it. It wasn't her fault. People have no respect for privacy these days.

Jen: Gurl it's fine...it's pretty much out of our control now. PLEASE do that two step factor for your log in lol. 

Her mind wandered to the guys. Oh man, she hoped Jungkook didn't see them. Or the members. The last thing she needed was to hear their reactions to it all. 

Trying to ignore the chaos, she avoided social media and went about her day like normal. She managed to avoid the members who went about their day freely, out of the dorm while she stayed at the dorm, chilling in her room. The one person she wanted to avoid the most about it was Jungkook and it seemed like perhaps she had been spared by his reaction.

However, she would be very wrong.

Jungkook knew. 

Earlier that day, scrolling through Twitter he saw that Jen was trending. Shooked, wasn’t even the best word to describe his reaction as he leaned in close, tilting his head, focused on the screen when it showed her leaked sexy dance covers.

He couldn’t help but feel envy overcome him when he saw that a lot of male idols had seen it before him and posted some flirty comments on her Instagram page thanks to screenshots from ARMY on Twitter to document how people were reacting. 

How come she didn’t ask him to dance with her? All that grinding looked like it could use a partner and could lead to something much more physical than dancing if they wanted to go that far.

As Jennie walked into the kitchen, her stomach dropped when she saw Jungkook sitting on the couch, on his phone. It looked like he had been the only member to return from going out.

"H—Hey! You're back. What's up?" she blurted out, trying to hide her nervousness.

Jungkook looked up and smiled. "Hey, I just got back. You all right?"

"Yeah! Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

He nodded as he watched her closely. "Anything interesting happen today?"

"No, no, not at all. Things are fine. I'm just...playing the sims," she nervously laughed.

"I see. I'm going to make noodles. You want some?"

"Yes, please. Thanks," she smiled and went back to her room to continue playing her game.

'Ok...maybe I'm in the clear...' she thought to herself as she started to relax a bit more.

After eating with him, the two hung out in her room with him sitting in her chair by her desk while she sat on her bed, watching a Marvel movie with him. Distracted was an understatement as Jungkook's mind continued to wander back to her videos and he finally decided to speak up about it.

"So, film any dance covers as of late?" he asked out of nowhere, causing her to almost choke on her water.

'Shit.' she thought in alarm, stiffening at his question.

She placed her water down and turned to him. "I—I can explain!"

"I'm listening," he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees.

"I was just messing around,"

"Yeah, that one video of you messing around with that chair was very interesting,"

"It wasn't anything, okay? It's not a big deal,"

"To everybody else on your Instagram, it seems that it is,"

She groaned. “It wasn’t even that great. I didn’t want them posted because it wasn’t up to my standards, yet. I still wanted to practice,"

“It wasn’t that great? Do you understand how crazy those videos were driving me? My girlfriend’s dance covers get leaked and it’s nothing but sexy dances and I have to see all these male idols commenting under her page.”

She watched him express himself. The jealousy radiated off him as he poked the inside of his cheek and shook his head.

“That could’ve been me on that chair, too," he went on. "And that could’ve been me you were grinding on. I want to see it. Right here. Right now,"

"Right now!?" she exclaimed as her eyes widened. "Are you for real?"

He bit his lower lip softly and leaned back against the chair with his gaze on her intensifying. 

"Yeah...lock the door," 

#smol brainstorm #smol ideas #smol drabble #jungkook x oc #jungkook x black oc

[nullbutler]

something something identity something something culture

#jumblr #jewblr #i dunno if this is the kind of thing that really belongs on my silly blog but ive been wanting to draw it for two days #this is just about feeling connection to culture #and i dunno i know the whole 'is judaism considered a race' thing is iffy as all hell #because it IS an ethnic group and i see it in basically every bloodline person ive met #there is a familiar look #our grandparents and babies look the exact same #of course converts are lovely and welcome and i'm not gatekeeping #but so long of just being like 'who am i? ah. i am nobody #i am a white girl from california who knows nothing of nothing' is a drastic understatement #i've dealt with anti semitism since i was a child #it has been everywhere #not many people understand it because its just...well we dont look that different (to the people who matter) (bad people can tell right awa #the immeasurable trauma of the holocaust and the weight of our grandparents and everything else is just so crushing...AND we look caucasian #is there no fate worse??? lmao #not saying i'm not caucasian of course i think two things can be true at once #but i think meeting someone and realizing we have the same face and with it faced the same hardship is really really meaningful #because to just say i'm some 'stupid white girl from california' is a butchering undercut of everything i actually am

[steampunk-cowboy]

The beauty of Trigun is realizing that neither the protagonist or antagonist is right actually

#Trigun #pixel rambles #seeing people arguing and picking sides with these two characters has me laughing #Vash’s pacifism is deeply flawed and only suitable for someone inhuman #I don’t even need to describe what’s wrong with knives ideals he’s committing genocide and eugenics AKHFSKHF #the narrative criticizes Vash’s morality in ALL versions of this series #but I see so many people be like AH I want to be JUST like Vash he turned me into a pacifist #it baffles me

[drawbauchery]

the asks better be careful or they just might genderbend the girls.

now there's an idea

#sinnaminteru #asks #i'm JUST saying #tumblr is obsessed with girls #you can go to any art blog at all and find so many drawings of girls. go to those #i'm attracted to girls. i myself..am a girl. but? #i don't know why people are here if they only want girls?? #when they see i'm constantly drawing boys??? #acting like the boys are only temporary until i get to the REAL content???? #ah no #no i'm here to write my Yaoi MLM Men Boys thanks

[sysig]

Getting up to trouble is his speciality (Patreon)

#Doodles #SCII #Helix #ZEX #The Captain #Mixed set! :D Lots of singular doodles - one-offs or ones that apply to a few different scenes #The kiss is random tho <3 I still haven't gotten to ZEX showing off his uniform to Zelnick! I want them to!! #Him seeing his Captain in his uniform was so lovely tho <3 I love Big Love and that was so <3 Hehe #Smooch ♥ #ZEX does not eat enough ;; He eats like a bird and it's highly distressing #I actually wrote in my notes that I was surprised he wasn't hurting In The Same entry as when he was experiencing hunger pangs haha #It doesn't help that he tends to talk through meals rather than eat - he's so much more interested in making connections with humans! #As far as metaphors go - killing himself for the sake of trying to bridge that gap - I mean it's apt but ZEX please #I think it was while he was talking to Wally at one point that he framed the War in a very flippant light-hearted way which was funny to me #I don't think that's the descriptor most people would use haha #Swearing <3 <3 VUX terminology <3 <3 #I want a VUX glossary of terms so badly hehe I've been slowly compiling a few here and there :3 Direct translation! The dream ♫ #Him getting stressed enough to swear is very endearing haha ♪ What do you mean I'm endeared by everything he does don't be silly #The next one of me deeply enjoying when he's creepy is not proof of anything! Just because I Happen to also like that!! #I do really love when he's creepy tho agh <3 <3 The mental image of him as The Hunter - casually cornering and capturing his prey <3 #In that instance he was interrupted pretty quickly but the setup was there!! And it was extremely good!!! #I love how huffy he gets as well haha ''All these humans interrupting my seduction attempts >O( ...Wait O|'' lol #And finally an exchange on the board between him and Scarecrow haha so many fun faces around!! #I love him being completely baffled by a non-mechanical construct it just short-circuits his brain haha ♥ #He's so intelligent but there exists things unknowable! #The image of him tapping his pen is so Incredibly cute ah <3 Where did he learn such a thing! Does it translate from his VUX form to this ♪ #Anything everything ♥ Learned or known! It's wonderful

[imminent-danger-came]

I don’t even ship shadowpeach but what’s with the attitude let people have fun.

The post you're talking about had a rather joking tone, so I'm just going to assume you're having a bad day! Hope it's gotten better!

#If you want an answer answer: To me it speaks to a lack of media literacy and even purity culture. So for my own sanity #I made a joke post #Like shadowpeach always had Issues and there are plenty of people who either don't see it or refuse to engage with that #And it feels. Weird. If the goal is just to have a fun light hearted au then sure! Have fun! #But there are many who treat this interpretation like it's the Text when it's Not you know. #The only reason their fight in 4x11 makes any sense/has any narrative weight is because there was Problems before hand #That we saw with 4x02 and the 4x11 flashbacks #Macaque never stood his ground and Wukong glossed over all his concerns. Every time. #ah I do love those guys. my monkeys #anon #asks

[autumnwoodsdreamer]

Digging through pre-2021 Mandalorian posts is hurting deep—so, so very deep

#the mandalorian #ah remember when we were all screaming about the loss of the razor crest? like. remember when that was the worst thing they had ever done? #I’m enjoying the nostalgia though #and it sure is helping me glean what story elements and character points that have been left dangling #*sees wasted potential in a show that went off the rails* it’s free real estate #and so many people wrote so many in depth analyses about din and mandalorians and grogu and the post empire world #I just want to live in those posts

[heirtotheempire]

The world always needs more Thrawn angst. As in angst to other people caused by Thrawn. Hurt no comfort everybody dies. I wanna see him at his worst

#trying to write my own angst fic but i have so many ideas #like concepts for a trilogy of fics #and its kinda driving me nutty bc i have not posted much fanfic i have not written much fanfic #and ik people will not like my fanfic bc its angsty #so its kinda like. whats the point yaknow #no one wants to read a fic whete terrible things happen to good people🙏no one except me bc im weird #ah i love this character can i read about their torture? #thrawn works as a good antagonist in these ideas too its great #hmmm should i put this in the tags #eh sure whatever #star wars #grand admiral thrawn #angst #<just in case #btw if anyone seeing this wants to talk about angst puleaaasee contact me #THIS man has no written triggers and wants to hear the most awful ideas ever #images are a different story but in text im all game

[mobgeo]

I feel so clueless on how jokes work. I know what makes people laugh, and I can repeat what makes them laugh so I can be funny, but I still don't understand the joke itself. I know how to make people laugh but I don't understand WHY it elicits laughter

#I don't understand people. I don't understand how socializing works #It's like I'm pretending to be a person who understands social cues #I know how to impersonate allistics but I don't know why they are laughing #It's a fun house mirror but I don't see my own reflection #you know? #Even with other autistic people I just still. Don't understand so many jokes that circle the internet and in real life conversations #I wish I could understand why people enjoy something so deeply while laugh #I swear to god I'm autistic. but no one in the system understands it #like #I understand the ADHD is so strong in others they just don't understand the subtle autistic traits #Everytime I talk to anyone it just feels like a weird inside joke that I wasn't there for #except I WAS there #the things I do find funny... sometimes others laugh along but it still feels so separate on what others find entertaining #sounds are just too much. all the time #I can't think about how loud a sound is without just wanting to... #remove my brain or something #I think being autistic is so painful. Not to get really real but I'm #so tired of just not understanding anyone around me or getting so overwhelmed by the slightest thought of a interaction to anyone #and everyone I know #ah. #I could go on forever. I just need to watch season three so i stop fronting #txt #autism is so hard. guys.

[bumblingbabooshka]

‘tis i, nonbinary transfem tuvok enthusiast and recently i’ve been pondering the dynamic between her and transmasc b’elanna torres…. i love thinking of them having long conversations together about gender and cultural histories and their life paths and mental issues (real)

also tuvok’s quote of “there is nothing wrong in choosing to live” would be such an emotional statement to tell b’elanna who canonically has depression (they just like me fr). anyways these are my thoughts today take care my friend!! <3

I don't personally see Tuvok as being a positive person for B'Elanna to talk to about much of anything personal without like, some sort of change to how they interact with one another since I think he'd both intentionally and unintentionally antagonize her BUT I can absolutely see them looking at each other and feeling the gender envy even before they know what that particular sensation is. Knowing B'Elanna I bet she'd worry she has some kind of weird crush on him hehehe~ Someone starts a group for queer members of the crew to meet but it seems like more of a dating thing and they're all human and no one else is trans so B'Elanna leaves and runs into Tuvok and is like "Oh! I didn't see you in there." because it's common knowledge by this point that Tuvok's trans but Tuvok just does that 'obviously.' look and goes "...No." so B'Elanna leaves her alone but they happen to run into each other next week and the week after and it eventually becomes an unofficial thing and it's a real rollercoaster. It's a real russian roulette of what kind of a time you're gonna have - sometimes it ends in a fight and sometimes it ends in the most insightful realization you'll ever have. Such is life on Voyager... Thank you so much and I hope you have a wonderful day too~!!

#I see many people cite that episode where he taught her meditation as them getting along but I think he 1000% failed to be helpful at all #and mainly just reluctantly and impatiently taught her how to meditate while sort of insulting her - B'Elanna taking his lessons to heart #is really all on her v_v #Tuvok isn't exactly the kindest person in the world ... yet he cares about people. Complicated man v_v He'll stay up for two weeks straight #trying to rescue you and then make a crack at how he thinks Klingons are barbaric ... honestly I'd say B'Elanna should yell at him but I #think he'd just go 'ah...my point proven. v_v' BUT I DO. THINK THEY'RE SUCH AN INTERESTING POTENTIAL PAIR?? #Not romantically - I mean pair of characters together bc they have SO MANY SIMILARITIES !!!! It's INSANE!!! #they truly deserved a character development 'getting closer' episode #honestly maybe this gender thing would do it...hehe maybe they'd finally have to talk it out bc they're the only other person o nthe ship #who'd understand....the power of being trans~!! #I hope this doesn't come off as negative - I liked this ask and I like Tuvok <3 #+ comforting things don't have to be in line with canon...nor is my interpretation of canon the be all end all #+ transmasc B'Elanna...embrace your short king swag <3<3 #this post is half inspired by my friend inviting me to join my school's GSA in middle school and me saying yeah absolutely! #then running away when their back was turned v_v SORRY #I really do hope this doesn't come off negative or rude - I don't want people thinking I'm gonna be rude if they share their thoughts #and headcanons with me =_= but I have trouble with tone... #Q&A #anon

[torchickentacos]

anyways. having fun with the album project thing I mentioned. Using the flat small brush from here for krita. One brush only, no undo button, all done on 1/54th of a 1.5k x 1k canvas. it's actually pretty therapeutic, I listen to the album I'm drawing while I draw it. This does mean that for AM I got to like. track 2 though and most of that was bc of formatting issues lol.

#vent in tags though bc i need. somewhere that isn't yet another 4:30 am vent google doc. too many of those and they're not helping #i don't want to talk but i don't want to be fully alone right now but i can't just spring this on someone in dms either so . tags it is #tw death. like really not a fun time over on torchickentacos dot tumblr dot com right now. genuine warning here #but i'm not doing well and i need this right now. anyways told my therapist i feel like i should be more okay right now than I am #and he was like. you. think you should be MORE okay after someone you knew died? #like. ah. hm. i see. now. how that might not be rational thinking. #i mean in my brain it was like. okay we're approaching day three and i haven't reached back out to my other irls #and i'm awake at 4 am #and i feel like need to pull it together because other people need me for stuff #and like. this happened before but harder. i should KNOW that there's no way to expedite this #because unfortunately I've been through this before!!! people make that choice to leave and it sucks and that's that! #like i KNOW how hard this is especially since it's a very personal topic. #but i'm still trying to rush myself here #it stresses me out to think that I'm not there enough for myself to be there for other people right now #sigh. i wonder how much of it's because i feel like i should have been there for those friends more even though it's irrational. #because that's genuinely not how it fucking works and I KNOW THAT PERSONALLY yet I still put that on myself. #people can have all the support they need and still choose to not take it. and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. #well. tomorrow i return to socializing and being a human person again #little bit at a time.

[icewindandboringhorror]

feeling sick constantly in the background all the time is like.. usually negligible-ish.. until multiple various chronic background issues all happen to overlap at once and then it’s like 

#Like usually I cycle between like. joint pain issues. chest muscle injury stuff. back pain. stomach problems. headaches. etc. #There is never a day that I feel totally normal for the most part. but it's usually just little things here and there on and off #chronic things that seem to flare up sometimes. But then every once in a while it's like the flare ups align and I'll have 6 of the problems #at the same time and then is AaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #For some reason it's okay to deal with one or two of these things at any given time. but if I have to deal with like 3+ at once #or two of the old ones plus one NEW thing I've never had before or etc. etc. #I just can't even do anything. I run around stressed out of my mind unable to focus on any tasks or do anything but feel bad #then I cant even play games or do fun stuff becuause my brain wont let me be distracted from fixating on the fact that I feel bad #It's kind of the same way that it's stressful for me to go into grocery stores because my brain LITERALLY just is not capable of tuning out #all of the noises and lights and sensory information - so it' gets overwhelming quickly. I also just literally cannot tune out sensory infor #mation from my body. so if something feels even a LITTLE weird or a LITTLE painful or is even slightly different than usual #especially if it's overlapping with multiple other 'low level chronic pain' type things then my brain is just like.. being given way too muc #h information that it still cant tune out and then I can't focus and just walk around in a daze for however long until one of the issues #goes away on it's own (like joint pain flare ups usually come and go etc. etc.). or until I see a doctor abut whatever the new thing is #and maybe something they do or say actually helps or etc. etc. #Idk I have SO SO much I want to do the beginning of the year and so many projects to finish and things to post and schedules I have #written out for me to get on (like excercising more consistently and etc.) and it's just furstrating for my brain to just be like #ah.. nope.. we are not doing that. instead we are going to be completely incapacitated by a host of physical issues #which I think most ''normal people'' would just ignore like ''oh yeah I'll just load myself up on ibuprophen and coffee and energy #drinks and advil and sleep supplements and this and that'' or whatever but I can't do that it just makes stuff worse. I have to just sit for #days having a mind battle like 'okay yes we're having these problems.. but we can still like.. do SOMETHING right? we could like.. write #or draw. or things that don't take much energy'' and brain is just like NO!!! WE CANT!!! BECAUSE!! THING IS WEIRD!!!' and it's like okay #but thing is going to be weird. there's nothing we can do about thing being weird right now. so we should just focus on something else #'NO!! CANNOT TUNE OUT THING BEING WEIRD!! lets just fixate on it instead and wander aimlessly from thing to thing never able #to fully focus on any other task. hee hee''. anyway. hhghh.. sometimes I just get tired of having Various Ailments at any given time #especially unexplained ones or weird recurring problems that doctors haven't done much about because then it lends to paranoia like #'what if something is seriously wrong but I just dont know it yet?' which could be the case. I mean hopefully not. but I just hate stuff #being unexplained. because if there's no clear answer then the answer could be anything. even somehting bad. *** :V #ANYWAY gghhb... just bothered at the moment. I was going to come here like 'hey maybe I could post some drafts or pictures or something that #could feel productive!' but.. i dont feel like it. i dont care. too focused on Bad Feeling. just going to complain instead lol

[hoonclub]

#.................................... #everyone please look away .. ha.. i just need to save this somewhere #ha.. jongseong-ah. happy birthday #happy; happy birthday #my jongseong who has grown so much who has worked so hard who went through so much #jongseong who i have loved for a long time #jongseong who is unapologetic with everything he does. #jongseong-ah.. i love you. thank you for making me happy thank you for being born thank you for always working hard. thank you for always #trying to be a better version of yourself #jongseong who thinks his iland self is embarrassing and shameful and doesnt want new engenes to see him then.. i will never understand how #it was for you and all i can do is be sad and upset with you. but iland is how i got to know the jay that was so selfless so hardowrking #so kind and so thoughtful... i think it's sad and somewhat ironic that the version that you dislike is the one i fell in love with first #jongseong i hope you continue to live your life without regrets. i hope you always have courage and strength to carry on no matter what #happens. i hope you dont think so little of yourself and gain more confidence. i hope you know that so many people love you #i hope you continue to do all the things you love with the people you love and those who love you. i hope youre surrounded by people that #take care of you as much as you take care of them. i hope you spend your days with a light heart #jongseong who's born in the spring whose love is so warm and sincere who's like a light that makes my heart bloom #i love you. let's be happy let's be together for a long time. take care and eat well. #happy happy birthday jongseong-ah. #0420