#but here’s the kicker. the mom is an abusive asshole

[oleanderblume]

Screaming into the void on this one. TW for trauma talk, csa, resurfacing memories n shit.

So I come home to my parents house about once a month for around a week. It's when I'm off work and really have nowhere else to be (until now thank fucking god)

I stayed in their guest room, which was my old room when I was a kid.

So...I've been trying to leave and move to another country, and my brain, being the dissociative asshole that it is, likes to flood trauma memories when I'm in a particular mindset. Typically it's when I'm feeling "safe" as in: I'm not currently being abused or traumatized on a daily basis.

Well recently its been flooding me every time I get closer to leaving, and it floods me with these highly specific memories that all have to do with my dad.

Now like, I've been abused my whole life, in a multitude of ways, including by my dad. My major shit is with sexual abuse, always has been, probably always will be. And most of what I've got came from my neighbor.

This stuff is not.

And like...it's been in contention on more than ine occasion, because of how big the blanks are and where they fit in our personal timeline. But now it feels like someone opened the fucking floodgates because it's all I get ever now. Just him. Just stuff with him.

I'd been dreading coming home because I didn't want to interact with my parents. My mom knows about some of the abuse (though I'm beginning to believe she knows much more than she lets on) and she tends to very fucking deliberately trigger me. Specifically over CSA stuff.

It's been this cycle of remembering things and then pushing them down for a week, then they come back up again, and if I ask about it or mention certain shit from when I was in that specific age range, I get a full dose of gaslighting.

No one in my family ever really like, paid attention to me, so my memories and feelings are pretty isolated, and it's been years so it's only me and the potential perpetrators who could corroborate my story, and those people are my parents. So of course they won't.

Anyways...I'm gonna talk about the memories now.

Essentially they took place when I was 11-14(?) And for the longest time I thought they might have just been a weird dream.

I'm just standing in my door and my dad is standing in front of me, talking about how my mom is mad at him and that he loves me and loves me like he loves her. I think you know where I'm going with this :/

I have other ones too. Mostly at night. He worked night shift so he would come home at 2 or 3 in the morning, and I can't tell if it's a real memory or not but he would come in my room to do stuff.

I don't know what to make of it. I don't want it to be real, that would be pretty fucking psychologically damaging. .

But here's the fucking kicker right?

I'm trans. I was recently home for several weeks because I had gotten top surgery and I had no choice but to stay with my parents for that time. While I'm heavily incapacitated, on lots of pain drugs, and sleeping a vast majority of the day.

I'm not new to nightmares. But I don't usually talk in my sleep, or beg. The only time I remember doing so was with a friend who had startled me awake because he touched me and I said "please don't" (context being my ex bf used to SA me while I was sleeping)

Ever since I stayed there after surgery and every time I stay there now, I get unbelievably paranoid. Like, can't sleep comfortably paranoid, and especially around my parents.

I had several nightmares about being touched and stuff, and like. It's different because I'm an adult, legally and all.

My parents don't really view me or any of my siblings as adults, let alone thinking, breathing people. They view us very similarly to objects that they can surround themselves with to look pretty and control through fear, pain, and extortion. Always sort of been that way.

It's gotten particularly bad since my sister pulled her son from them because my mother physically abused him. So she directs her anger at me because she can't punish my sister. She also directs her anger at me for being trans. Idfk probably some like, ownership issue she has with my body or whatever the fuck.

Point I'm getting at is basically: I'm pretty sure my parents knew, facilitated, and covered up at least a portion, if not all of my csa. And because they are especially mad at me for being not what they want, and also costing them (inadvertently) access to their grandson— that it might not have stopped(?)

They know I have DID. They gaslight the fuck out of me until I stopped talking about it, but they know it's there, they know I forget things and repress shit, and even if I haven't, they know how to gaslight incredibly well. My mom especially.

There are blindspots in my brain that make taking advantage of that stuff especially easy.

So...I came home the other night, stayed for a couple of days with my parents. My dad stayed up with me and my brother until we went to bed. He stayed up a little longer.

But I'd gone to bed. I'd forgotten to lock the door, but I fell asleep pretty quickly. But I kept waking up. I woke up cause I heard my dad walking around the house, talking. But they were that fleeting sort of waking where it's only a few words before you roll over and go back to sleep.

I had a nightmare that he came into the room and did things. I think it was a nightmare, at least. I do t know. It didn't feel like a normal nightmare and I woke myself up asking for my mom like a little kid. And I remember...certain things...that aren't easily replicated in a dream.

I of course asked him the next day if he'd gotten up some time in the night to do something, but he said no.

I don't like talking g about this. Because it's basically speculation and speculation on a thing I so viscerally do not want to be true. I worry that I make stuff up, convince myself of a reality that doesn't exist and then react to that as though it does. Idk.

It's especially hard because the next day my mom triggered the ever loving fuck out of me and then got mad at me for shutting down the conversation because no, I in fact do not like hearing what pedophiles say to children while they hurt them. It's fucking triggering. Especially after the night previous.

She's been making constant remarks on my size or weight, most often saying I look pregnant, asking if I'm pregnant. Which is impossible, because I don't have enough sex with other people for that to even be a concern.

The one that bugged me was her remark after I'd come back home after being legitimately assaulted, she said I looked 3 months pregnant :/ which is literally impossible because I'd have had to had sex while I was fucking UNCONSCIOUS and healing from surgery.

Most of this is just rambling sorry. It's 1 am and I need to sleep but I needed to say something somewhere, sorry.

[thankskenpenders]

Enerjak Reborn: Epilogue

It’s time to answer the question on everybody’s mind. How did Ken respond to Ian killing off Locke, one of his pet characters?

Well, the answer, as you should expect, is: poorly

Now, it’s important to remind everyone that Ken has not actually read the arc. He never read any of Ian’s run, to my knowledge. But his fans were sure to tell him all about it and ask him how he felt

Eventually, in 2010, two years after this issue dropped, we got a response from Ken talking about how he felt about Ian’s run. (Again, even though he wasn’t actually reading it himself.) Said response is worth reading in full if you’re interested in all this drama and Ken’s mindset. You literally get to see the guy brag about how he actively ignored what Bollers was doing when the two were sharing writing duties, as if this is a good thing that makes him a better writer. He also criticizes Ian for using the previous writers’ characters instead of introducing even more characters to the bloated Archie cast in his first few years on the series. But the relevant part to the discussion of Enerjak reborn is here:

“I especially don’t consider anything either does with any of the echidna characters – especially Locke – to be canon as neither created the characters nor established them in stories as the viable fan favorites they’ve become. No matter what Ian writes, he can never alter the fact that in MY universe, the events of Locke’s passing as depicted in SONIC #143 is canon. Anything he writes can easily be counter-written by a better story with an alternative solution.”

Let’s just brush past the very funny part where he calls Locke a “viable fan favorite”

So yeah. Penders was VERY unhappy with the way Ian wrote Locke, and the way Locke’s death in Enerjak Reborn meant that the timeline depicted in Mobius: 25 Years Later wasn’t the one true future of the series. He’s also gone on record saying that he thinks Ian didn’t get the relationship between Locke and Knuckles. When asked about Ian’s work, this has always been one of the major things that’s bothered him

On a broader level, his ramblings here are reflective of how he views comic franchises in general. A particularly illustrative quote from him is provided in the comments section below the article I linked:

“The only work I consider significant to any character is the work done by the original creators. Anything done afterwards by anyone else pretty much doesn’t count. For example, I consider the original issues of FANTASTIC FOUR by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby to be the only stories that matter in the entire run. Anything being done today is by writers and artists who are simply building off the work Stan and Jack originated. I apply this standard to just about every character I ever enjoyed over the years.”

This odd mindset explains a lot about Ken. It explains why he hates that Ian kept using his characters, and why he actively avoided building off of the work of his contemporary writers at Archie. I can see what he means on some level, of course. When another writer comes in and adds more novels to a series after the original author dies, I generally tend to ignore those. And I skipped a good chunk of Twin Peaks season 2 because it had less involvement from creators David Lynch and Mark Frost, making a lot of it feel like filler. But we’re talking about a licensed comic, one that had been a collaboration between multiple writers based on the work done for the games and cartoons from the very beginning. Ken was never the sole writer--he wasn’t even there for the first year--and he was writing stories centered around characters he hadn’t created like Sonic, Sally, and Knuckles. He doesn’t take credit for creating any of those characters, but the hypocrisy still seems to be lost on him

But of course, we’re not just talking about Ian’s handling of all of Archie Sonic here. We’re talking about Locke. And as Ken has said himself, Locke was based partially on his own father. And that’s really the kicker here

As I’ve said many times before, I try to avoid psychoanalyzing Penders and digging into his personal life. I don’t know the guy, and that’s his own business. But it’s hard not to when he literally says shit like THIS to fans

Locke is emotionally abusive towards his wife and son. Locke is also based on Ken’s dad. Ken refuses to see Locke as abusive, even though that’s exactly what he wrote, because that would mean acknowledging that his own father was abusive. So there’s always an excuse for why father knows best. It was a different era! They’re not humans! He could see the future! He might have hurt Knuckles, but it toughened him up, and he was always there for him in the end! The dad is never, ever at fault. The moms, on the other hands, are mere bystanders to the child rearing done by the dads. It’s just sad, really

I get why Ken would be bitter that Ian took this fictionalized version of his late dad, went “hey, this guy’s an asshole,” and then killed him off. I get why that would upset somebody. He wrote a very personal story there. But it’s not like Ian was pouring salt in a fresh wound--Ken lost his father all the way back in 1982. I know this because Ken literally dedicated the M25YL story about his version of Locke’s death to his dad. It had been nearly 30 years when he wrote this response to Ian’s work. That’s plenty of time to see a goddamn therapist instead of projecting all of your baggage onto Knuckles the Echidna and writing stories for kids about how you should never question your dad ever

The irony, though, is that Ian’s different take on Locke is arguably way more nuanced than Ken’s ever was. In his final moments, Ian’s Locke turns into this tragic figure who only realizes too late that the way of life the Brotherhood had raised him to believe was a mistake, that he had failed his son by passing those beliefs on to him. But he’s still held responsible for what he did. He’s a horrible dad, and the characters around him call him out for his failures, but you pity him for only now realizing what he had done

Ken, on the other hand, gestures at Locke doing horrible things, then tells you to forget about all that and stop questioning him. Knuckles pretends he has a totally normal Leave it to Beaver-ass father-son relationship as soon as they reunite in the Knuckles series. As an adult he thinks back on how great a job Locke did raising him, even though Locke literally took him from his mother, raised him to believe that his mother and the rest of his species were all dead, and then pretended he himself was dead for six years of his son’s childhood (among MANY other things)

M25YL gestures at those very same themes of not repeating your parents’ mistakes that Ian touched on in Locke’s final moments. Knuckles is raising Lara-Su very differently from how Locke raised him, and Locke admits that he wishes he had raised Knuckles differently on his deathbed. But his decision to suddenly admit wrongdoing in this flashback to his death feels unearned and arbitrary. Locke is never at fault. We cannot question Locke. Knuckles turned out fine, so don’t worry about it. Locke might regret the way Knuckles raised him, but Knuckles is not allowed to hold any ill will towards his father or question his methods whatsoever. We’re allowed to gesture at the idea that Knuckles doesn’t want to repeat the mistakes of the previous generations, but those vague mistakes aren’t allowed to be anyone’s fault. That’s just “how things were”

Ken would do a lot more than just complain about Ian’s handling of Locke on the internet, though. Because you see, the way Ian wrote Locke is commonly cited as one of the main reasons why Ken started copyrighting his work, right up there with Bioware basing the story of Sonic Chronicles partially off of the Knuckles comics without his blessing. And those copyrights, of course, were what started the legal battle that would kill off the original Archieverse

#StH 184 #tkp post #Enerjak Reborn

[aerois]

Remarried Empress: Sovieshu Contextualized and Navier the Unreliable Narrator (SPOILERS!)

So recently I started reading Remarried Empress on WEBTOON. Honestly the whole premise wasn’t my cup of tea and I was solely reading it because it was part of an event where I could get free coins (lol). But then... I got hooked. I got invested. Started drinking in chapters whenever and wherever I could, and even now I still crave more. I wanted Navier to have some semblance of a happy ending (and, let’s be honest, I wanted to drag that precious little bitch Trashta by her fucking hair across the yard). At first it was mostly that. Raging at Trashta and her Simperor, pondering at Heinley’s true intentions, drooling over Kaufman. 

And then, I noticed something odd. I noticed-- the strangest thing-- Sovieshu seemed to be... not as enamored with his mistress as meets the eye. And there was even some hinting that his feelings for Navier weren’t what we assumed.

I have to preface this: I don’t condone Sovieshu’s crappy actions. He’s an idiot, and acts very poorly as a husband. And there’s no excuse for cheating. Absolutely not! So I don’t want this post to come across like In Defense of Sovieshu, because it’s not. But I do think that our view, the reader’s view, of Sovieshu, is warped. And this is mainly because we see the story through Navier’s eyes of course, but we forget that every individual person is fallible. Every person, at some point, harbors false assumptions that color their concepts of truth and reality. Put shortly, Navier is human, and therefore is not a reliable narrator at some points. Especially concerning her husband. We see Sovieshu entirely through the eyes of his wronged wife in the webcomic. Pin that: in the webcomic. Did you know the webcomic is actually based on a mobile game? Yes, it is! And I downloaded it! And I’m playing it! And... I’m actually... hating Sovieshu less?????????? 

Ok, ok, put the pitchforks down! Hear me out! I’m not saying any of the stuff he did was okay! But Navier’s narration of the story paints him as this cold, detached man who grew to hate his wife so much that he flew into the arms of some hussy for warmth and then just cast his wife aside and deliberately acted like a jerk just because he wanted her to suffer.  And there’s a grain of truth to that. There are points where Sovieshu feels bitter and does or says something waspish. But it’s not as black and white as you might assume. I played the mobile game, and decided to take Sovieshu’s route out of spite. I opened this app, saw it was an otome with this garbage-fire, cheating sack of shit for a romance option and thought “Hah! The nerve. Probably some semi-abusive dirtbag route aimed to appeal to girls who like men who treat them badly. You know, that mutually abusive relationship appeal that some girls like because drama.” And I needed to rack up in-game currency anyway (it’s like usual mobile games, where when you wanna make cool choices you gotta cough up cash unless you “diamond-mine” on crappy stories to save up the meager bits of free currency the app gives you for playing) so I figured I’d blast through the Sovieshu route and skip onto my darling Kaufman in playthrough 2.

And then the smoke genuinely compelling character development got me. So I could run y’all through Navier’s version of the events, but you already know that. For Sovieshu though? Here’s the kicker: this idiot has had a raging passion for his wife slowly building up for years throughout their entire lives, and only realizes it about halfway through the events of the story. This idiot, this buffon, this absolute brain-dead dolt... didn’t even realize he was pining over his own wife until he was about to explode from the desperation from it all. God, I wish I was joking. Lemme break it down for you:

Sovieshu’s POV: He and Navier are introduced as kids and are told they’ll be married someday. Life partners. They are raised in tandem to respect and care for one another. Kinda smacks of grooming (go mom and dad!) but whatever, that’s the background. These kids are mentally regarding each other as spouses their entire conscious lives. And Sovieshu, as he grows, quickly comes to realize his intended is a selfless girl who holds everything inside. The first spark of his affection for her is wrapped in this: that Sovieshu longs for Navier to take off her “perfect princess” mask and let herself be vulnerable with him. He admires her intellingence, her grace, and her devotion to her country. He looks at her and sees someone that inspires him. He craves the opportunity to comfort and protect her. He waits, and these opportunities come in small instances. But they get older, their burdens get heavier, and like most young women, Navier gets better at pretending nothing is wrong with her and putting everyone else first. Sovieshu feels more distant from her. But that desire to break through her wall still stands.

They marry, but Navier, in her infinite wisdom, makes the assumption that this marriage is entirely political (despite...the fact... that they were raised together??? they were literally best friends their entire lives??? are y’all seeing how this could be confusing for him???) and that there are absolutely no feelings involved on Sovieshu’s side. Expect there’s that little problem. That little problem. Of Navier’s absolute inability to be vulnerable. And so she starts this marriage all Elsa-Conceal-Don’t-Feel convinced that her husband (whom she is secretly in love with, shocker) holds no warmth for her because she’s never received any from him. 

Now I’ll acknowledge that this is a two way street, where Sovieshu fails as well. Should Navier have made a mature decision and asked for love and support when she needed it? Yes. Should Sovieshu have offered anyway, despite not knowing that she wanted it at all? Yes. They’re both in the wrong here. They’re both too passive, too afraid.

So the first few years of their marriage pass by like this. And Navier kinda melts into more of a depressed state over it, while Sovieshu becomes frustrated. But he doesn’t know why. He hasn’t quite put his finger on the fact that HE’S IN LOVE WITH HIS WIFE, GEE WHAT A SURPRISE BUDDY. And then... the little ingenue comes in. Trashta, with her crocodile tears, oversharing of emotions, co-dependent as all get-out. You see where I’m headed, right? It’s not just that she’s the opposite of Navier that gets Sovieshu hooked. It’s that she gives him that opportunity to unburden all this pent up romantic frustration. He can comfort, and protect, and wipe away the tears of a woman who loves him... And for a while, it’s intoxicating. That itch is finally being scratched.

Or so it seems. Because sooner or later, Sovieshu realizes that this woman is not his wife. And she’s a bit clingy, and clueless, and she’s... well, she’s not his wife. She’s not his wife. 

“Oh, dear God...” the idiot finally realizes. “I don’t want this hussy. I want my wife!” 

Ding ding ding! You did it! And it only took you--what? 20 years? After all this time, Sovieshu (and the audience playing his route) realizes. He’s not cheating because he’s bored, or because he hates his wife, or because he’s Inherently An Asshole And That’s What Assholes Do. He’s cheating because he’s using this woman as a stand-in for his wife. He’s been looking straight through this woman and seeking his wife the entire time. He’s cheating because he’s stupid and repressed and misguided and human. And again, that doesn’t excuse it. He still cheated, and that’s something he needs to spend a life-time making up for. It’s a mistake, and a big one. But it’s not fueled by a malicious hatred or a desire to hurt her. It’s fueled by confusion and fear. And, strangely enough, a desire to perform love for his wife.

So anyway, this stupid dweeb finally wakes up and realizes that no matter how much he plays around with the Town Skank, it doesn’t slate that thirst for the woman he’s spent his life growing to love. And that he actually, truly loves her to begin with. Now at this point, Navier was away travelling, doing queenly stuff. And he gets a message from a servant-- his wife is home. This boy books it. This man throws down what he’s doing, sprints across the imperial palace, to stumble at the feet of his wife; red-faced and breathless, absolutely undone. This man is screaming for his wife on the inside and now nothing he can do will quiet it. And his wife, ever the perfect pinnacle of a monarch, just raises a perfectly manicured eyebrow at him and wonders what’s got him in such a tizzy.

This is where the difference between the narratives hits especially hard. Navier has absolutely no clue that her husband is a hair-thin thread of self-control away from all of this just completely spilling out of him. She looks at him and sees a tormentor; someone who’s treating her like a used doll. And he sees this Goddess that’s been hiding in plain sigh the whole time. He sees his sins and repents before this, his wife, his almighty Goddess. But he doesn’t know what to do. She’s still been hurt by him, Trashta is still in their lives, and damn it all, he’s still frustrated. He still feels bitter and abandoned because even after everything, even after the years of marriage, his wife just seems so unaffected by him. This is where Navier’s “perfect queen” image that she tries so hard to curate really bites her in the ass.

These two dumbasses are hopelessly in love with each other but they’re deadlocked in an endless cycle of letting their prides get in the way. Navier doesn’t want to be vulnerable. Sovieshu doesn’t want to compromise, doesn’t know how to not lash out in anger when he’s really feeling sad. Unlike Navier, he can express emotions-- but not in a heathy way. So he says something mean, does something kinda shitty. And Navier thinks it’s because he delights in her suffering. So Sovieshu’s over here in his head like a cranky little child that’s mad at mommy because she’s on the phone, and Navier is over there in her head wondering why on earth her husband can’t notice a love that she’s never actually expressed to him. And it’s just terrible. But kind of hilarious. Mostly sad and terrible. But defintely hilarious.

To further illustrate this: even a lot of Sovieshu’s actions, for that matter, get warped by Navier’s unreliable narration. WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD. THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE! In the chapter where Trashta is stabbed, Sovieshu immediately screams for guards to surround Navier. So I’ll sum up their thought processes here.

Navier: Oh my God, I can’t believe this asshole. Calling the guards? He really fuckin thinks I did this?! Jerk! Asshole! He really thinks I’d arrange for a pregnant woman to be stabbed!! He’s probably deliberately framing me too, so he can get me out of the way and live happily ever after with her!

Sovieshu: OH MY GOD, MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE COULD GET STABBED NEXT SOMEONE HELP well actually maybe she had something to do with it? nah. prolly not. but even if she did idgaf I LOVE MY WIFE, I’LL COVER FOR YOU BABY I’LL FORGIVE WHATEVER. GUARDS, FIND WHO DID THE STABBING SO THEY DON’T STAB MY PERFECT WIFE NEXT

Like I wish I was joking, but that’s how it read. Anyway, I’m not done with the comic or the game yet. But Sovieshu’s motivations aren’t all as they seem. And while he’s not a perfect husband, he has the capacity to mature, let down his pride, and make steps toward atoning to his wife. I honestly and genuinely believe this marriage could be salvageable if they could come clean with each other. A lot of people want to root for Kaufman or Heinley, and I get it. Those two would probably treat her well. But the fact stands that these two are married, and surprisingly, they both actually still hold a spark of love for one another. If Sovieshu could genuinely repent, and demonstrate this to Navier, they would attain the happy marriage with each other that they both strive for. Anyway, I find myself surprisingly hooked on the story now that I see Sovieshu’s POV. He’s not a hero in this story by any means, but I’m somehow, against my better judgement, rooting for him. I’m rooting for him to make the right choices and repair his marriage. 

It’s a bold strategy, folks. Let’s see how it pays off.

#remarried empress

[cattyanon]

So I never got around to mentioning this but since it’s on my mind and i’m on Tumbr rn may as well mention it.

We got new chickens! (this was actually a few months ago) Mostly because our big outdoor rooster didn’t have as many girls due to some... *ahem* sadness... he needed more girls and my mom always wanted a Lavender Orpington so we got one and an additional chicken whose breed I don’t know. The Lavender Orpington’s name is Tulip (cause she’s a delicate little flower) and Roxy (the sometimes a jerk).

Along with them we got 3 others chickens that day, one (whose breed I also don’t know) is named Phoenix and the other two whose breed I do know are Seramas, whom are very bonded, named Leaf (she’s a bit wobbly hence the name) and Camila (for no particular reason). Sadly Leaf and Camila were from bad homes but we’ve been doing everything we can do help them get better and they’ve improved since then! 

Also a slight warning for this next paragraph that talks about their asshole of a previous owner for what I’d consider animal abuse. Go to the next bold sentence if you’d rather not read about this.

I also want to kill their previous owner (not their caretaker who we got them from since she actually took care of them, I’ll call her Kat) because the reason he treated them poorly is because this guy was a breeder and deemed them “not perfect” to which I say he must be fucking blind those babies are perfect just the way they are so fuck him. But that’s not all! Wanna hear the kicker?! The reason Kat got them! It was because if she didn’t, and I’m not even joking, this guy was gonna feed them to alligators. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK MAN WHY WOULD YOU EVEN CONSIDER THAT. That guy should be fucking charged with animal abuse, i mean he was literally going to murder them, like what the fuck.

ANYWAYS HERE’S SOMETHING LIGHT HEARTED AND CUTE ABOUT THEM TO BALANCE OUT WHAT I JUST SAID!

Whenever only Leaf is taken out (for example we had to give her some medicine yesterday) and Camila is left by herself for a little while she starts screeching at what feels like the top of her lungs because Leaf isn’t there with her. 

Like, Camila, baby, precious, Leaf is ok. You’ll live without her for a minute or two, sweetie. Calm down you goof.

#bird #birds #chicken #chickens #cute #but also a little sad in there but i think i've balanced it out

[mystic-mongrel]

Considering this shit has gotten to me I'm just gonna fucking say it: Most of the people who abused me have been women.

Women are without a doubt fucking scary to me now. Since I was 15 I've been falsely accused of sexual harassment more times than I can count. It's literally at a point where when some piece of shit, or several, lie about me being abusive or having sexually harassed them, all of whom have been women, I know I'm not going to be in the place I was lied about much longer.

Sure men have mistreated me a lot but at least they didn't pretend to be neutral towards me or some dumb shit where I was lie about at best or fucking backstabbed at worst.

Men are dangerous my ass. Women are fucking nightmarish when they're malicious. Sure they can't as easily hurt my body without a weapon, but at least men won't fucking make my life functional torture by demonizing me or coordinate a way to fuck me up in the head so much I'm falling into a gods damned anxiety attack from being gaslighted and convinced I'm an awful person!

It's literally at a point I have been abused by enough women that my brain has associated certain features to women I need to be scared of. *PHYSICAL FEATURES!* And the fucking kicker is my mom, *the woman who raised me,* has these same features!

Let's touch on how much my entire life, since CHILDHOOD I've seen girls who just think boys don't deserve basic decent treatment. Fine, Elementary is rampant with that. What about high school? I got treated like a piece of shit by my fucking art teacher for turning down a girl for a date - I was 14 and in my first year of high school when I turned her down and she aas a senior! My fucking art teacher acted like I was an asshole for turning her down, and multiple classmates too.

And on the Internet it's a fucking nightmare. I've seen more assholes say "all men" are the problem instead of actually recognizing it's not all men. At least when women speak up about the shit they go through there's some fucking solidarity! A real enough support system!

But look at me! Until I was 21 I thought I was cishet, and here I find out I'm non-binary with a gender more complex than Light's Death Note exchanging right before he let himself be put in prison as a suspect of bring Kira. The support groups I'd fit into are so obscure and rare that there's a near zero chance!

Fuck you saying "we know it's not all men" BS when you don't even change your fucking wording to make sure you don't hit Trans-Men alone with your phrasing. Let alone neurodivergent men who are already struggling with some fucking self-worth to not hate themselves in a world that says "Men are aggressors, women are victims" most days. I've literally seen trans-femme folks say they hate trans-men because of some weird-ass privilege of not being as likely of victims.

Women are fucking terrifying and nobody bothers to fucking recognize that shit. Nobody will even CARE if a woman is a monster. Sure, the people on my friends list here will probably give a fuck, but at large nobody is gonna give a fuck if someone seen as a cis man says "I've been abused by multiple women" whether they're a victim or not.

Fuck this shit demonizing all men indirectly shit because a smaller chunk of them are monstrous. You don't see my abused ass demonizing women because a smaller chunk of them decided to treat me like ass just for existing!

It's fucking sexist bullshit and you know it in the back of your fucking heads! BE BETTER PEOPLE YOU STUPID ASSHOLES!

#sexism #abuse #trauma #men #women

[madeofbees]

I’m a mess right now.

Sorry I haven’t really been here, everything has been crazy and awful. My dad quit his job with no warning leaving me without health insurance right in the middle of the million doctors appointments I had which meant I had to cancel them, which meant no colonoscopy and no neurologist or sleep study.

I haven’t been sleeping, I have nightmares and night terrors every night, I don’t sleep through the night and I wake up too early and am too scared to fall back asleep--my body physically will not let me, even if I try--and it’s making my pain so much worse which makes it even harder to sleep and I am so. fucking. tired.

My digestive system is a wreck, I either have uncontrollable diarrhea--uncontrollable as in literally pooping my pants, plus having to miss my wife’s award ceremony--or extreme constipation with debilitating cramps and half the time I haven’t been able to eat more than a Luna bar or two a day without becoming violently ill which also makes me exhausted because I can’t give my body any fuel, and because of my stomach problems I can’t have any caffeine or energy drinks.

I just spent an hour sobbing on the phone to my therapist about it and she was good and comforting me and told me I’m not selfish and I have every right to be upset, which it really doesn’t feel like because my dad quit bc his boss was an abusive asshole and he was doing what’s best for him, but I still feel guilty and horrible, and I know he’s going to read this and tell me I’m not being fair and not listening to his side of the story and it’s too late now but that doesn’t change the fact that he seriously fucked me over because he couldn’t wait a literal two weeks.

The kicker is that his boss treated him the exact way my mom treats me, and yet it’s okay for my dad to leave and it means he’s being healthy and taking care of himself but I still need to be more compassionate and recognize that she doesn’t act that way on purpose and it’s because of mental illness and she loves me but y’know what alcoholism is a mental illness too but if you kill someone while drunk driving you still have to go to jail and he’s all happy he got out and still doesn’t grasp the concept that even though I’m not talking to her I am not out and will never be out and he never fucking helped me leave in the first place and still to this day takes her side.

Plus it’s rainy so I can’t go for a walk and my knee and shoulder are upset so I can’t do my exercises and I feel like such a fucking useless wreck.

#mental health #physical health #insomnia #nightmares #night terrors #chronic fatigue syndrome #narcolepsy #maybe #gerd #gastroparesis #my dad #my mom #sort of #i'm a mess right now #inside out #searching for a sweet surrender #and maybe this is the end

[kyrii]

Yesterday, seemingly out of nowhere, I remembered one of the worst days of my life. Or one of the worst moments, I guess. Back when I was living with my mom and her husband and my two brothers, when I was still in highschool, there were multiple instances where my stepdad would lash out violently. Sometimes, he would just get so angry.

He never hit me, but he did everything else that he could to make me feel unsafe and unwelcome in that house. I don't know if he's ever hit my mom, but I wouldn't be surprised if he has. I've seen marks on her arms before, but she's never told me where they came from and she's acted very defensive about them. That speaks volumes to me.

But my older brother... especially during the final year that I lived in that house, my older brother dealt with significant physical abuse from my stepdad. It didn't happen everyday. We never knew when it would happen. My stepdad would just snap.

Something that you have to understand about my older brother, and my younger one as well, is that they are significantly mentally stunted. They're not stupid by any means. But through a combination of developmental disorders/conditions, they are effectively children. And even now, as adults above the age of 18, they are under legal guardianship of my mother because they've been deemed incompetent.

I wasn't there for a lot of the incidents. But I was there for this one and it haunts me to this day.

Basically, one afternoon, my stepdad stormed into my brother's room and started beating him with a belt. My stepdad called it discipline, punishment because my brother hadn't mowed the grass like he had been told to. But that wasn't discipline. It was straight up abuse. Not to mention, he had absolutely no legal right to physically discipline my brother because he is not his legal or blood guardian. He's just some guy my mom married. And furthermore, my brother was over the age of 18 at that point. He was under my mom's guardianship, but he was a fucking ADULT. And I don't care what excuse or reasoning you give, beating someone or "spanking" them is absolutely unacceptable. I don't care who they are, what they did, how mad you are, how old they are. I don't fucking care. It's abuse and it makes me sick that people justify it.

I didn't see much, but I heard everything from my room. My stepdad's furious booming voice telling my brother to bend over and take it and to stop fighting back (he was DEFENDING HIMSELF), the collision of leather on skin, my mom trying to calm my stepdad down and doing nothing to actually protect her son, my brother's screams. That's the worst part. I can still hear his screams in my head. That's what plays on a loop in my mind. That's what I hear right now.

I was pretty much paralyzed with fear. Looking back, I wish I would have jumped in the way, shielded my brother with my own body. Been the hero he needed since my mother had failed him so spectacularly by marrying this asshole and allowing this to go on for so long. But I didn't. I don't think I left my room at all. I was too scared. I called my dad, who lived out of state 3 and a half hours away. I didn't know what else to do. And my poor dad, being so far away, what else was he supposed to do? He called the police.

An officer came by. Things had calmed down by then. My stepdad was able to put on a civil face. I think the officer talked to my brother, but clearly the act was solid because nothing was done. The police left and my step dad immediately turned to me and told me to pack my shit and get out. Because he thought that I had called the police. And that in doing so, I was disrespecting him and undermining his authority in his house.

Again I was paralyzed. I was I think...17 at that point? Pretty sure I was still a minor. Still a kid. Still in school. And now apparently I was being kicked out and told to fend for myself because I had dared to try to protect my brother. And I hadn't even been the one to call the police! I wish I had. Maybe I could have given them more details. Maybe something would have actually been done. But no.

My mom talked my step dad down and I was allowed to stay. Lucky me.

If you've read this far, you're a saint. This is all in the past...it happened over 5 years ago. But every now and again, it just pops back in my head. The sounds of my brother's screams. I wish I knew what triggered it.

Here's the kicker though. My brothers are still living with my mom and stepdad. My older brother has been presented with several opportunities to get out and come live with my dad and have a chance at an actual safe and meaningful life. But he's gone crawling back to my mom every time. And it drives me insane. Is he that brainwashed? He actively chooses to stay with someone who has abused him in the past and shown little remorse for it. And who knows, he might still be abusing him. I have no fucking idea. But it really. Really. Bothers me. I understand it's hard to get out of an abusive situation. And my brother's perception of things is easily influenced and manipulated. I don't blame him. But I'm still upset, I'm still angry. To an extent, I just don't understand how you could stay in a house with someone who has literally beaten you. I don't want to sound like I'm victim blaming. I've never been hit or physically abused, so what the fuck do I know? But I'm just so. Frustrated.

I want him and my younger brother out. I want them safe. I want them happy and growing and learning and being as independent as they possibly can be. And they'll never have any of that living there.

#tw: abuse #tw: physical violence #tw: physical assault #tw: physical abuse #rant #vent

[the-firebird69]

We're going to bring your class action suit against Casl and we're going to do it today I'm going to ask all sorts of patients if they want to sign up on the lawsuit and usually patients do and they get a lot of them and some of them have some power and few of them have a lot of power I'm going to take this guy Tommy F down he's a pain in the ass is a f** he's done all sorts of things that are very illegal. Besides it's part of our plan so we'll sit on a meeting and we're going to go out and scoop up all the people and get them all on board and ask them to bring the lawyers on board as well like Ken probably have a lawyer of Mac

Max is laughing cuz he is one of them and Ken does have most lawyer so there's one and actually a part of Castle Trump believe it or not actually suing you and your son is going to sue you he doesn't have a lawyer but he's his best idiot as a lawyer and we assume that Chris would give him some time in court to speak and he will cuz they have to learn to have the cracken come and run At them. And we're gathering momentum and several women are signing on the one up there at the house and she said it was massively abusive these people are turned on all the time and I can see who's doing it and she's listening the hand signals using American sign language and she's putting into a pamphlet and we're going to have her come down as a paid witness and she's coming down today and she's going to stay the case she's going to bring her friend with her the small girl something work in the office but they're abused they don't have to know that and it's going on right now and Sebastian's being abused and he is a lawyer they're all going to sue and Washington DC wants to happen and a lot of people are saying that what was his good but we're tired of just sitting here in the swill pile.

Thor Freya

Haha this is fun she says this has been a nightmare I hate these people I hate the shrinks I hate Castle I bunch of jerks I think they just hold us prisoner so I'm going to sue the s*** out of them and take all their stuff and we can just take their houses and turn it into a house and live a normal life and not be mental patients and show people what this industry is all about cuz we have to take over the hospital and only part of it by the way just to shrink apart and if I take it apart he means we mean take it apart. And it's horrible his mom got ruined Mac Daddy's getting ruined our forces are getting ruined and Tommy F you're a failure and a weirdo I can't tell what you're doing and he says it's right at some point and then all of a sudden it goes completely backwards that's because of this facility you won't last out of. And I want my damn rights back in my money this is ridiculous anyone can pick anyone up all day and night and start going after all the mental health facilities and we're putting together a nationwide lawsuit against the mental health facilities Bitol and Goddess Wife says and I want to be part of it. There's a huge problem Mac daddy and you don't understand everybody is willing around in the stupid mental health machine thinking they're winning all the time because they're on drugs. I know about it and I thank you for your words you got those kicker 5150 thing going and it went way out in the stratosphere because these losers next door in the greenhouse so I'm going to sue them.

Personally meac daddy.

We're going to bring a suit too and we're going to sue that greenhouse and those idiots in it I have tons of tapes because of Daniel we had to take them because of what he's saying is these people are generating it but we had to do that anyways we have tons of them and Daniel does too and should sue cuz he was stuck here with these idiot pricks has to fight him all the time I'm going to start fighting like Daniel meeting would break people out of the box and have him fight these idiots some reason for them to stay around they leave we'll see if Jason wants to he's up for it and he says that's who's driving me crazy that's who had me there and she took me out of there I'd rather fight them and sit here and bother him and others have been better at it but I'm bothering them this is what they want me to do it's going to help direct you and tell you who they are and their MO and their hospital people and a bunch of jerks I'm going to start doing it with others I'm going to raise a suit against them and it's a class action suit I'm going to bring it against their whole facility and all their staff you're welcome to join the suit Jason he says yes and I can come down and help out since we do pay people that's professional witnesses even if you're the victim and you can still Sue and pay you so you can get by she goes that's great I'll take the gas card I'll give you a diner card on top of it probably need several so those that needs to start smiling okay.

And this isn't over PGA cuz you're part of the problem you're the one representing these idiots you're constantly on their side you say you're one of them they say you never are and he's just sit there next to him say you are pissing them off so much they start doing stuff and I'm telling you something you're a problem too but you're not addressing them and you're not noticing them and you don't know what they do to you what you have to do is study him and we can't do that for you because you're bothering us so badly in a real way and he says we can sort of show you pictures of the gosh darn assholes like Jose Gonzalez follow him around making noises in space all day long blaming you economy walked right up to him he said I can have you arrested for what you're doing and he started looking around and he start doing s*** in space and said can you hear me I said stop it you're going to get arrested and yell at him he walked away and he's walking away he's going what you're doing is illegal it's illegal you can be arrested in jail for it and the guy was happy blaming will and Bill and they do all sorts of stuff for that Justin's going back and forth here trying to stop him no is inside again thinks he'll lose he's a freaking honking idiot

We're doing that now globally I'm going to accept Captain's for each and every hospital and generals for areas to go after these hospital freaks it's not just mental hospitals they collect info on people

Bitol and Goddess Wife

[thekintsugikids]

ok so i KNOW this is dumb but i need to rant.

so i watched the new riverdale (which is probably more than enough of a reason for any of you to not read this and trust me—i understand). and ho. ly. shit. i have genuinely NEVER been so mad at a tv show in my whole fucking life.

i’ll admit here and now that i still watch riverdale, because i am unwaveringly stubborn and i’m seeing this shit show through to the end. so things that seem, from a surface level, pretty genuine, anger me more than they should because i know the context of this bullshit. which means that, if you’re reading this, you’ll have to hear all of that shit so i can fully explain my anger.

so the episode is like. almost entirely based around the high school’s guidance counselor (who everyone is conveniently going to for therapy, even a character who goes to another school, but i can’t even be mad at riverdale for using a shitty mcguffin like that. it should be expected) where all the kids talk about their fucked up lives. that’s cool, i can accept that. riverdale does some dumb shit, but if they’d just done a psychological deep dive into their characters after all the trauma they’ve been through over the course of two and a half years? sure. I’ll bite. but this is riverdale, a show that somehow seems to be written by teenage interns who have never written a script in their life and 40-somethings who have never met real teens in their lives, so that’s not what we got. no, what we did get was this shitty school counselor listening to the characters unload genuine emotional trauma about their parents, and hear the counselor basically say, “they’re just trying to protect you.”

now allow me to explain why that is absolute fucking bullshit.

Betty’s mom forced herself into her daughter’s counseling session, because Alice ran to the high school guidance counselor to ask how she should deal with her daughter being sexually actively—which already, big fucking yikes. after a couple of minutes of back and forth about how Betty is being denied by her dream college because she’s having sex and irresponsibly disregarding her future in doing so (which again, huge red flag but let’s put that on the back burner for like two seconds). the counselor decides that they should do a joint session to work some shit out. ok. fine. whatever. moving on.

Betty says her mom lying to her whole life impacted her negatively. which yeah, that actually makes sense. in less than two years her mother went undercover with the fbi and joined a cult, without telling her own child that she at least didn’t believe in what the cult preached, gave away all the money she had saved for college to said cult, and was working with her half brother who Betty believed was dead (this is riverdale it’s a lot to unpack and i don’t blame you if you stop here bc ive been watching this show since 2017 and im still confused when i read that). she also had Betty’s sister committed to the sisters of quiet mercy, which is basically a disciplinary school for literally anything and everything under the sun (pregnant teenagers, mentally ill children, and conversion therapy are a few things we’ve seen it used for), and didn’t tell Betty that her sister was there, or that she was pregnant. her parents let her believe that her sister was a drug addict in rehab, because that was better than anyone knowing their daughter was pregnant, and then ofc that Alice reads her diary because she refuses to let her daughter have any semblance of privacy. keep in mind, this whole episode started with Alice opening Betty’s mail, seeing that she didn’t get accepted to Yale, and telling her that she searched her room to see “what could be distracting her from her future” (and then gets mad at her for having birth control). her mother says, “I just wanted to protect you.” okay, fine. whatever, that’s total bullshit, but fine.

but then!!! she has a breakdown about how she wants Betty to be better and she’s scared of her growing up and she just wants her to be safe which. ok. ok. ok. shut up. she’s said this EVERY. SEASON. OF THE SHOW. how many times can she say the exact same thing and never learn from it? but Betty isn’t having that shit, she’s been dealing w this shit for so long and she’s done, right? she’s growing up, and her mom would have to be incredibly naive to think that she could just stop that, especially when they are living w her bf’s family. like yeah, they live together. they share a room. they’re teenagers, they’re gonna have sex. who. fucking. cares. her mom then tells Betty that it’s because she’s her favorite child, which........Yikes. and the scene ends.

the weird thing is like.....we’re meant to sympathize with Alice??? after everything she has done—much of which i didn’t touch on—because.............Betty’s her favorite child?????? that’s???????? SUPPOSED TO JUSTIFY THE THINGS SHE DOES?????????? no no no NO what the fuck is THAT manipulative bullshit?? what the fuck. i can’t even think of anything else to say about that, what the actual fuck.

but the real kicker ooooooooh bitch. it’s the end of the episode, with Jughead. many other things happen between the Betty’s session and Jughead’s, but they don’t necessarily fit into what I’m trying to say so I won’t be talking about it. but holy shit the things she said to Jughead? for context, Jughead’s father is an abusive piece of shit. he has gotten violent with his own son, threatened him, abandoned him for his gang when the rest of their family moved out of state to get away from him (Jughead’s dad), and he is an alcoholic who did things like getting drunk at Jughead’s 15th birthday party, and that’s just the cliff notes version. basically he’s a grade-a abusive asshole, which is a field i am well-versed in.

FP, Jughead’s father, says that his father was an abusive drunk, so obvs the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. one of the the biggest issues with this show, though, is that they refuse to acknowledge that FP himself is abusive. like, even writers of the show have said that he is not abusive, even saying that viewers were ignorant to believe that he is (and as someone with an abusive father, first of all, fuck you). and Jughead is on a mission this entire season to prove that his grandfather was some great writer or whatever and his work was stolen from him.

now, how exactly does any of that relate to the discussion at hand?, you might be asking. well he’s at riverdale high to get his transcripts or whatever bc he’s at a new school and they’re all assholes (no, im not going into further explanation of that because there is way too much to unpack). so he’s w the guidance counselor, they talk about it and she has the fucking gall to say, “but think about how your father must feel about all of this???” which, okay, i see where she might be coming from. FP was abused by his dad. but Jughead is also abused by FP, so why the fuck should he worry about whether or not he’s hurting his father? FP irreparably damaged Jughead—I promise you all that being homeless, being hit and threatened by your father, being abandoned by your entire family? that’s not shit you can repair. you don’t just fix that shit. that stays with you.

the counselor tells Jughead that he should be proud of the man his father worked to become (like he isn’t still horrible to Jughead????? for example, forcing him to go to a school that he does not want to go to because it makes their family look better??? ok), she says FP is just supporting his son. and the real kicker—she says, “and you repay him by going on this quest to prove that the man that caused him immeasurable pain is some kind of wronged hero? how do you think that makes him feel?” (that is the quote verbatim, by the way. that is what she says so Jughead)

like FP has earned something from Jughead. like Jughead is in the wrong for not wanting his name to be seen as a joke. no, this is how you repay him for everything he did for you. FP abused his son. it’s literally that fucking simple. and Jughead didn’t even want to talk to this lady, she forced him into the conversation while he waited for fucking transcripts so he could apply to colleges. and we, the audience, are supposed to be on the counselor’s side. we’re supposed to say “yeah Jughead, look at everything your dad has done for you! he loves you!!”

Jughead even says it himself. “My poor dad. I’m so selfish.” like his dad deserves his respect. like he earned Jughead’s respect. like FP deserves a single goddamn thing from his son.

keep in mind, this is a show that’s biggest demographic is people under 20 and they are basically telling their audience that their parent’s abuse is just because they’re “protective” or because they’re “trying to help them.” guess what, that’s not fucking true. if your parent, or ANYONE, is abusing you, it is because they are fucked up. it is not because they love you, it’s not because they “want what’s best for you.” and how dare anyone, let alone fucking Riverdale, try to tell me that it is. no, as someone with an abusive father, i fucking promise you, this shit is not out of love. abuse is not love. and fuck Riverdale for trying to tell me that it is.

#i put the whole thing in a read more link bc it includes personal shit that i dont want a bunch of ppl to just like. see. #and it focuses HEAVILY on the topic of abuse so pls do not read it if that makes you uncomfortable #also its v long #like. very. very long. #so if literally no one reads it thats fine #it probably doesnt make a whole lot of sense but i just kind of needed to unload my thoughts because i am so genuinely upset #k anyway bye #also please #don't reblog #for the love of god please dont or i will delete the whole goddamn thing

[canaryatlaw]

Well today was pretty good for a 12 hour day, haha. I was annoyed because I only ended up getting like 4 hours of sleep. We've been having issues with our heater, mainly that we can't get it to turn itself on when it gets too cold, so it just continues to get colder, so we have to turn it up really high if we actually want to heat the apartment, and last night holy fuck it was freezing, so we had it like all the way up. So then I wake up at 5, two hours before my alarm goes off, and of course now it's sweltering, but I don't want to touch the thermostat because I don't wan to put it down to far and then fuck it over again. And I guess that and a combination of a few other random things made it impossible for me to fall back asleep, so that was somewhat less than ideal, but oh well. Got ready for work and headed there, went to my supervisor and showed him my new fancy 711 license, who then had me show it to all the other attorneys on the calendar haha he's a nice guy. So he started talking about cases I could take, probably starting with permanency hearings because they're super easy, just status updates on cases after adjudication (and sometimes termination of parental rights) have taken place, so you're really just asking about the kid and the parent's progress, basic stuff. And he said I could probably second chair some other stuff and then work on it on my own, like temporary custody hearings, which again aren't terribly hard because the GAL doesn't have the burden of proof, and probably 95% of the time they're gonna side with the state. But it's all really exciting! I was looking at the license and it legit says I'm "temporarily licensed to practice law" and just !! That's so official!! I'm lawyering!! Actually practicing law and lawyering!! And I just, I feel like I've been waiting my whole life to get to this place. So, so many years saying I'm going to be a lawyer, I just have to get through this first. But now I'm here and I'm doing work I love so much, and I'm just so happy because I'm really just at peace with my life in a way I haven't been in a long time now. I'm just happy to be here and living my life and doing what I do, and that's such a wonderful feeling I can't really describe it. But, anyway. Despite the exciting start I didn't actually make it into a courtroom today, but instead got saddled with some other projects. I had some free time in the morning to hang out (read fanfiction) and then one of the lawyers on the calendar came in and pulled a couple files (there's like, mountains of files in my office, you basically have to step over them to get anywhere) from this case with like ten kids or something ridiculous like that in the system, and one of them who's aged out wants a copy of his birth certificate, and she doesn't think we have a copy of it, but wants me to look through all these files to make sure haha. I mean, not the most interesting work but I've definitely had worse. So I get to looking, stopping occasionally to read something that peaked my interest. There was one really concerning report I read, it wasn't about the kids whose file it was, but about a girl at the same residential facility one of them is in, and due to the nature of the problem a copy of it gets put in his file for safety/documenting reasons. And like, I've read a lot of residential facility horror stories, but this one definitely takes the cake. Now, the staff in these places and trained in certain restraints they sometimes have to use on kids who are just completely out of control, obviously it's a last last result and I'm not terribly fond of the idea, but at least if they're done correctly the kid won't get hurt. WELL. Apparently this one wasn't done correctly, because this poor girl ended up with her arm being broken in FOUR FUCKING PLACES. Like you could not make me more furious about this if you tried. Just....agh! This shit makes me so angry because it's putting kids who've been removed from their parents because of being in an abusive environment right back into an abusive environment at the hands of the state and the dollar of the taxpayer. Just...ugh. And of course this isn't her file so I don't get to see any of the follow up papers and find out what happened, just one sheet of paper that made me so goddamn furious. But, anyway. The rest of it was pretty basic and not very interesting. When I was just about done with those (birth certificate, unsurprisingly, nowhere in sight) another lawyer comes in and hands me a CD of medical records and asked if I could look through them for any mental health diagnoses for the mother. The state filed a termination petition, and one of the grounds you can use to terminate is that the parent is incapable of caring for the child because of mental illness. He said they only have it documented that she has depression, but he thinks it may have been depression with psychotic features and that obviously makes a much more convincing case, so I set to work with those. There were about 60 sets of records, ranging in size from 8 pages to 80 pages, so I went through them. Sad story, especially to read in reverse. The kid this petition is about was only born in January 2016, which is pretty fast moving for termination. But she had another child a year prior who was removed from her care at like two weeks old because, according to her, she was "feeding him orange juice" at two weeks old (and not because of malnutrition that was reported by the doctor). The kicker to that is that yet another year prior to that she had her first baby (or at least first she kept, there was one reference to her giving one up for adoption at birth but I didn't see anything else connected to it), who died at like 13 years old, because of malnutrition/SIDS/her rolling over on the baby in her sleep, depending on who you ask. So being that there already was a child death here they weren't taking any chances. So I looked through many records, which I don't really find boring because I'm actively looking for something so it keeps my mind occupied. Many many records, until I got back to right after her first baby died, and it had recordings of post-partum psychosis and severe depression with psychotic features. Bingo, that's what we needed. So that was good. Headed out at 5, hopped on the bus to the train and then the train from one courthouse to the next for trial advocacy tonight, which was pretty good. I got to be a witness this week, and you know I hamming it as a witness as much as possible and just making it hilarious for everyone, and the material here was so easy. It's some dumb contract case about this lady who signs a contract to buy a sports car but then the next day decides she wants a minivan so she calls to change it and they say they will, but then in two weeks they call saying the sports car was ready and they have no record of the contract modification, so my character wanted her minivan or her $2K deposit back. So given those facts, I decide the only plausible reason someone would want a sports car one day and a minivan the next day is that they're going through a midlife crisis, so I went for that angle and oh it was so easy. They do the introductory questions at first and ask about family, so I said I had a wonderful husband named Wadsworth and two beautiful sons named Mickey and Pluto (and of course say this with a completely straight face), because why the fuck not? Lol. So then I start talking about how I need this sexy sports car in my life so I go and find the best one, then the next day I realize if I try to drop Mickey off at soccer practice in that car all the soccer moms are going to go nuts, and I should really just accept that I'm a soccer mom and get the accompanying minivan 😂 I thought it was a pretty good strategy, and I think everyone else did too as observed by their reactions. So I had fun with that. After that I had to do a cross, which didn't go quite as well as I'd hoped just because their was some confusion about impeaching, but it turned out alright. We had the guy instructor this week who kept telling me I talk too fast (I'm from New York okay, it's what we do) so I apparently have to work on that, lol. But overall pretty good class. We get out and 8 and of course I "rush" home as much as one can while on public transportation, arriving a little after 9 and flipping on legends after trying to very nicely beg my roommate to let me use the tv. (which I felt like an asshole about because she was watching something, I just needed to see my show dammit!) So, the episode. I feel like I have a disconnect in my head between the excitement I get about new episodes versus the reality we actually get, and the reality can be somewhat underwhelming at times. But, that being said, I did enjoy the episode. Everything they did with the film students was a PERFECT parody, one someone can only learn from going to film school (we share a building with them and I hung out with pretty much all of them, so I was close enough) and Rip as "Phil" was just cracking me up, and I think I like him better than Rip haha 😂 I did like the moment he had with Sara in his old office in a very BROTP way of course, but it was sweet. Nate and Ray were hilarious, what giant dorks they are that they based their life choices around their favorite movies. I need to see an alternate reality where Nate is a yoga instructor, okay?? It needs to happen, stat. There's a lot I feel I can comment on but my eyes are closing quickly (see beginning of post) so I'll try to keep it brief. I'm not sure how I feel about the Mick and Stein plot, just because it felt pretty useless to come up with this whole thing with a device in his brain that could be causing this, then "oh, guess it wasn't that, oh well!" and Stein is basically like "we all hear different voices in our heads" because that's totally the same as visual and auditory hallucinations?? Come on bro, ya killing me here. I'm a little sad we didn't get to see any Snart in this episode, but I'm comforted by the fact that he will be coming back in actually alive form very soon...(or at least it better be real soon, or I'm gonna hurt someone, preferably the writers). Okay, last comment, the whole "let's break Rip out of jail with this crazy scheme" coupled with Merlyn and Darhk just going in there and start killing people were both sooooo overdramatic and unnecessary because they definitely could've bailed him out for like, 10 bucks. I mean come on, he's not even gonna get charged with anything, they don't have enough proof. I'm just saying, they really went overboard when they had an easy answer in the legal system, lol. Okay I'm done now. Tomorrow should be good, finally getting my haircut! And yes, eyes definitely want to be closed right now so I'm going to do that. Goodnight people. Be well.

#daily journal #January 2017 #rachel watches legends of tomorrow

[s3venpounds]

1-64. 65 What is the worst thing you have ever done to a friend?

65 questionsssssssssss yeeeeeeeeee boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii letsss fucking goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo thanks for the ask btw! also sorry for late reply

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

honestly sometimes, the whole “ life is a simulation” got me kinda scared ya never know

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

1. because im not afraid of the dark im afraid of what can be in it that im not aware of

3. The person you would never want to meet?

idk. cuz if i say someone i hate then i can’t physically meet them to punch them

4. What is your favorite word?

love

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

idk whichever lives for millions of years i wanna be like those giant ass trees that you see in animes that are like whole cities wide

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

should i finally cut my hair? or do i perservere

7. What shirt are you wearing?

my ed sheeran concert shirt

8. What do you label yourself as?

someone with the capacity of good but chooses to be an asshole

9. Bright room or dark room?

bright room

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

seeing if my new friends were playing games so i can join

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

21

12. Who told you they loved you last?

off the top of my head? my mom pretty sure. 

13. Your worst enemy?

myself, my fears, hesitation and past mistakes?

14. What is your current desktop picture?

its a picture of hinata shoyo from Haikyuu!! doing a spike with wings on his back!

15. Do you like someone?

yes.

16. The last song you listened to?

Jacob Lee Slip

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

trump

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

trump. and i want like brass knuckles when i punch. 

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

probably a volleyball coach/ trainer or a professional volleyball player to just drill basics into me and make me a better player. (that or just gal gadot to like help me clean up my life and give me life advice)

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

i guess my energy? its a fucking mess though cuz sometimes i get tired after like 4 minutes of activity but then sometimes i get like a second wind and i just go for hours 

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

i mean there was that snapchat trend of every guy making a female version of themselves so i guess theres that. i would definitely try anything i could. periods, cramps, catcalls, masturbating anything i could so i truly understand what women have to go through every day of their lives

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

im a very open person so most of my obscure talents are known but i am kinda proud of how i can name pokemon by just hearing their cries limited to like the first 3 generations tho lmao

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

what happens after we die

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

i wanna make the most bougie sandwich in the world. I want abelone, puffin, black truffle, caviar, just all that super high end shit

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

save it. im going on a trip somewhere out of the city and i could use the extra pocket money

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

venice italy. no question.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

oh shit booze! i love me some booze! i guess it would have to be like smirnoff kissed caramel vodka, or this one whiskey i saw a video of irish people drinking american whiskeys

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? 

dont be a fucking dickhead idk. i can’t make concrete rules cuz theres loopholes

29. What is your favorite expletive?

definitely fuck just because i say it more than actual normal words

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

haha “loved ones” lmao. oh uhhh my letters from D.O when we were kids. that or my journal

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

my dads abuse. oh wait no then thats free forgiveness for him lmao no uhhh one of my past relationships. it was a mess and i still struggle a little with it

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

Venice italy. that or greece or rome idk. i really like their aesthetic with small white houses, small walkways and all that

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

Steve irwin or Robin williams. or just to make a couple people near me happy, Kyle Fundytus

34. What was your last dream about?

uhhh I kissed the person I’m currently interested in. not just a normal dream too I felt everything. it was crazy. Felt, their hands, warmth, lips, body against mine and even their skin it was just magical.

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

boyfriend? honestly? idk. i’d like to think that i am but from what I know apparently im not

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

yes and no? i guess? i had one of those shots you give to enfants when their family is moving to a new country and i still have the scar so possibly? i mean technically any baby born in a hospital has been admitted to one lmao

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

YES AND SOME OLDER KIDS BROKE IT DOWN AND USED IT AS A BENCH . I fought them and got sent tot he principals office

38. What is the color of your socks?

im not wearing any.... but i do have a favourite pair of green ones that have a print of pringles sour cream n onion on it!

39. What type of music do you like?

Jazz, big band, kpop, RNB, rap, rock, swing music, electro...? sort of?

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

i can’t choose, I love both and have fond memories of both

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

Vanilaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa maybe some caramel in it

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

uhh i dont know much about football but i can say i would support my local team edmonton eskimos

43. Do you have any scars?

a ton! i love em! its like the sentimental stuff i keep in my closet but on my body and i always trace my finger over them whenever im just in the mood to reminisce

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

im not currently taking the courses i need to get my dream job but i’d love to be a power ranger either the stunt double or the cheesy actor. that or a school councilor

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

how dependant i am on others. i hate it. if i was alone i dont think i’d survive. i need other people

46. Are you reliable?

I like to think that i am though again, you’d have to ask my friends

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

Did you find her?

48. Do you hold grudges?

hell.yes. if you couldnt tell i reallllllllllly hate my dad. like really.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

whatever animals it takes to make dragons a thing again

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

I would have to say when this random stranger came up to me to complain about the transit system because the one in vancouver was so much better apparently. dude went on a 20 minute rant and i just drowned him out with music and pretended to “pause” my music while nodding like i understood

51. Are you a good liar?

not sure. I think i am considering my parents dont know half the shit i did AHEHEHEHE

52. How long could you go without talking?

couple days. long as i got my music.

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

god there was this one christmas where my parents gave me like a stereotypical suburban kid hair cut where the whole head is like flattened with hair gel the at the forehead its just a tall wall of spiked hair. BUT HERES THE KICKER. they dyed half the wall red and half green for christmas. god it was awful

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

does cheesecake cupcakes count?

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

ive been told i can do a good russian one, chinese too

56. What do you like on your toast?

nutella omg. fresh toast with gooey nutella? god its so good

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

uhmmm some secret stuff for a friends personal project

58. What would be you dream car?

Dodge Viper

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

I love singing in the shower when no ones home. I can only sing when no ones home cuz the walls in this house are thin AS FUCK. 

60. Do you believe in aliens?

i believe we’re not the only ones out here but due to how we’re literally killing our own kind and planet for no good reason they choose to ignore us

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

yep! all the time! whenever i get my hands on the local paper i read my horoscope while i wait on the train or if theres a horoscope thing on tumblr!

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

X idk x is just cool

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

dragons are you kidding me? dragons are dinosaurs that can fly. AND BREATHE FIRE

64. What do you think about babies?

I dont think im a good father figure but spending time with kids is a pretty okay time for me long as its not long term lmao 

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

What is the worst thing you have ever done to a friend?

I punched them full force in the stomach for calling me emo. it was a bad day but lo and behold that person became my best friend loooooooooooool

#ask me shit #this was fun #do some moreeeeeeeee

[mega-nomics-blog]

Michael::

Fucking Michael. (I curse, a lot. If you’re offended by cursing this blog may not be for you)

Marcy met Michael almost a year ago. 8 months I believe. Before him she was an honor roll student, a full time worker and a full time single mom. She was kicking ass. Then here comes this asshole.

Downhill. Straight downhill.

Suboxen isn’t a medication for all people. You give a substitute drug like that to someone as smart as Marcy and it’s extremely dangerous. It was dangerous for her to take that ... and she abused it.... To the fucking max.

The kicker??? Michael was put in jail... that sent her off the deepend 🙄🙄🙄🖕🖕

Marcy didn’t get on the ambulance that night her dad called 911 two weeks ago. Now... she’s in jail. And guess what!! Michael is out!!

Yes, seriously.

#excuses #noexcuses #jailbird