#but i just feel like theyre tolerating me

[be-good-to-bugs]

I wish hatsune miku was real

#the bin #i wish 8 cpuld make the people around me understand how important she is to me and how many songs are important to me #but i feel like im just annoying them by talking about her all the time #i feel like that about all my interests though #i let people talk about what they like so why do i always feel like im bothering them when i tell them about what i like #i guess it doesnt help that my only friend doesnt share any of my main interests #we like watching the same type of youtube videos and like some if the same music and that it #:/ idk how im supposed to meet people at all let alone people who might have interests in common with me #i just wanna show someone my favorite miku songs and talk about how good they are but i dont wanna seem annoying or weird #she ysed to like vocaloid when she was younger and she is who first introduced me to it but she diesnt like it anymore and hasn't for years #she still remembers a lot of them and some songs but almost none if them are the songs i like #and she mainly listened to english covers done by humans cause ahe doesnt listen to music thats not in english #while as.almost everything i listen to is in japanese and the human covers of songs are usually in russian #i wake up everyday and wanna gush about hatsune miku and theres nobody for me to gush to #i just want someone to be happy for me when i talk about loving something even if they dont like it themselves #but i just feel like theyre tolerating me #personal #i always feel bad for posting more personal stuff on this blog but like. if someone who follows me doesnt wanna see it then they can just #not read it. its almost always in the tags so just dont read them? and i also tag them as personal so just block the tag #anyway

[liquidstar]

a friend who'd wait :)

#im posting this very late because i was sort of weary of how it came out and ended up messing w it until it was like 4am oops. #and i have plans tmrw so... oh well! i did my best and ill put it out while i can! #and i tried to make the scene match barnard's colors lol #finn's ocs #finn's art #i know i said id do more sillay stuff with the simpler screentone only style but i had a couple more of these in me #and this is the first piece im making thats like an actual part of the story too rather than just setting stuff for fun #i wanna write something to go with it too but for now ill just sort of briefly explain the context in the tags here: #barnard has a pretty bad case of OCD and his compulsions have made it difficult to make friends in the past #he was never outright bullied or anything but people just didnt really have the patience to deal with it #he has compulsions that include stuff like walking through doors until it feels right and needing things to be perfectly aligned #which in group settings has lead to people having to wait for him to finish his rituals and join them #they might find it tolerable at first but eventually they grow impatient and hes just... not invited to stuff anymore #but juno is a newer member of the guild who ends up frequenting the same library. hes also kinda a little weird #and they dont become fast friends or anything but just sort of naturally spend time in the same place #though they never plan meetups they eventually fall into a routine. around the same time theyd just both be at the library #and read next to each other. and maybe talk a bit. and eventually they end up walking back to the guildhall together #since theyre going to the same place after all. and juno always waits for barnard outside the door #eventually barnard asks if this bothers him. juno kinda just tells him 'of course it does' without any malice or anything. just a statement #barnard is surprised and apologizes and juno says not to. but the next day juno doesnt show up at the usual time. #barnard assumes hes committed somekinda more by bringing it up. he ends up staying there late reading to get his mind off it & not ruminate #but when he leaves juno is in fact still waiting for him down the hall (see pic) having collected a bunch of books literally abt ocd #he fell asleep bc barnard stayed later than expected. and hes an eepy guy generally. and also one very bad at expressing himself #but now barnard gets that juno's 'of course it [bothers me]' had the implication of 'but its worth it' which no friend has previously done. #and from the interaction juno was also able to understand that this isn't something barnard just does for the hell of it so. he studies. #and checks a bunch of stuff out because he thinks it could help his friend too (theres ocd workbooks and such- i remember working w them) #and thats the point where they became more ''friends'' than ''pleasant library acquaintances'' #from there on they also do get into juno's problems. whole other bag of worms. but this specific scene is more about bernard from his pov #sorry about when i said briefly explain. i lied </3 #but compared to the whole sequence im picturing its brief so shhh

[bangcakes]

.

#well ladies. what does it mean when he tells you he doesnt wanna keep in touch with the others anymore but then joins the server anyway #in which you know that the only person he tolerates (dare i say likes) is you #or maybe i sound insane idk. wish he'd make a Move on me already but then xmas IS v close so i mean #i get it #n also say it goes bad right.... have to see eaxh other at graduation #what im saying is..... if no moves have been made .... gonna ask him out in feb after graduation GZUDDTJITTDTDIZJT #IF i still feel the same and i think he'll say yes. hhhhhh this shid is so hard #im also like ... worried that the guy i made friends with that turned out to be snakey is like.... going to attempt to turn everybody #against me bc like...... one of my friends isnt answering me rn. tho she could be busy... im just Worried #he'll never turn the guy i have a crush on or my other friend against me tho. they dont like/trust him at all XTXIXTDIITDDIT #idk.... guess i'll just wait and see... #i cant stand... dealing with ppl that act like theyre still in hs. like come on ur in your 30s 😭😭😭 #n e way... a lil rant LOL #personal

[angelamontoo]

Do you guys have a least favourite character that Peter Lorre played?

For me it's probably the radio version of Cairo if I'm counting every single thing I've ever seen him in and Siegfried Gruning if I'm just counting his film characters

#peter lorre #lancer spy #sigfried gruning #radio #the maltese falcon #joel cairo #i also really hate baron ikito just off principle #but i turned TIA off like 5 minutes into attempting to watch it do i cant really count him #im also dont really like the radio versions of roderick or leyden #but i can tolerate them way more thwn radio joel #i used to feel like i really disliked gino and paul hyde aswell #theyre both similar to gruning in that i find all 3 of their films too boring to rewatch a lot #but gino and hyde have a lot more interesting moments to me

[isa-ah]

sorry I could talk for hours. I've done an insane amount of character building w Isaiah over the years

#like ive padded elias and melanies families too #part of me has been hankering to explore elias character more 👁️👁️ lo has been talking about doing a better timeline for hunter #and my kneejerk was that it would be a timeline where melanie raises isaiah and kicks elias out #but if melanie never died i think elias would be a LOT happier #he would still have a lot of toxic tendencies bc of the way his moms and sisters baby him and never say no to him #but melanie is by far the more bullheaded of the two so she would whip his ass into shape i think #in a timeline where theyre still married and happy isaiah would have his aunties on the wells side in his life 😭😭😭😭😭 #baby isaiah sitting in sawyers lap... shut up..... #i actually have a complete belief that if melanie was in his life theyd both be day drinkers together #like boy would be sipping with every meal just like his mom whos a silly drunk with a high tolerance #vs how elias rageful drinking makes him VERY stingy and self destructive around booze #like. melanie would be a huge positive impact but in a lot of ways she would probably nurture bad traits in isaiah #hed be a lot more selfish and nymphish and thats SAYING SOMETHING #a lot more dismissive of other peoples problems bc he doesnt feel desperate to be useful and whole by fixing other peoples issues #and would likewise out a lot less gravity into sleeping around bc he doesnt NEED to stay out of his house so hed have more fun w less care #which wouldnt rlly fly with the guys he usually ends up with 🤔 i wonder how it would change hunters influence in his life #hunter shaves his head in response to elias grabbing isaiah by it. that wouldnt happen! and he wouldnt have to spend sooo much time w ruben #who was his One And Only positive dad figure. that was a huge part of his life and influence! #then again melanie looooves hunters mom whos also around for this timeline so #they would both 👀 be spending a lot ofkf time in the reyes estate 👀 #isaiah and gideons relationship would also be a lot better! #melanies obsessed w gideons moms (high femme and dad butch) and isaiah wouldn't be so violent as a kid #HMMMMMM..... #much to think about #so much of isaiahs personality was scultped by his dads abuse and the people he sought comfort in #his whole life would be restructured

[coffee-bat]

hi not to vent again but you ever been so overwhelmingly injured that you actually feel like crying

#(tl;dr: ouch oof owie my bones) #sorry for venting here again i dont really have anyone to tell this to i dont wanna be whiney #but hghghghghhh #turns out the possible broken foot was the least of my problems #yknow how sometimes after you get multiple injuries you hyperfocus on one and dont realize the severity of others? yeah #i DEFINATELY sprained my right hip. #hurts when i move my leg. cant put any weight on it or it just buckles. my muscles spasm and my knee buckles down #both my knees hurt. or rather the ends of my femurs. it feels like i crushed the tips of both femurs #my toe(??) still hurts but i cant bother to focus on it anymore #my elbows hurt too. like ends of my upper arm bones #everything fucking hurts i can barely walk i want to cry everytime i move my bones itch like when theyre broken #i see no purpose going to the hospital. theyd just give me xrays and do nothing but keep me for 10 hours in the waiting room #i know they wont help. hell theyll probably laugh at me as usual. its just not worth it #but everytime i move i want to fucking cry. i need to complain a bit ig #sorry ignore this im just ventibg #vent #personal #and its frustrating bc im USED to this. i get injured SO often. i should be dealing with thisbetter. but rn its just too much #i have a developed high pain tolerance but this is just. too much. i cant focus on ignoring one thing bc multiple others hurt

[halogen2]

yesterday morning i woke up from a nightmare shaking but bc i am visiting my boyf rn he was there and could hold me until i fell asleep again which was v nice and helpful and sweet. but then i was thinking abt it and i was like hm. let me doing research on this topic. and then i found out that apparently it is NOT normal to have bad dreams or nightmares every other night as an adult

#idk if i have a ~nightmare disorder~ technically cuz they dont ALWAYS wake me up like they did the other night. most of the time theyre just #extremely unpleasant and then i wake up feeling sad and shitty and bad #but uhhhh i honestly didnt know that not everyone has bad dreams like every night. #ive dealt w/ this since i was like 17 or smth #but then i found out that thc can help stop vivid dreams when i was like 21 so ive been using thc to self medicate for them ever since #but then after my mom was diagnosed w/ cancer and everything in my life blew up last year #the nightmares started coming back more and more and the thc hasnt been helping to stop them. which is maybe a tolerance thing but #maybe it could also b that the stress of Life is too Strong for the thc to combat it anymore lol. #so i think i need to like. actually talk to a doctor about it perhaps #my therapist knows about it a little but i dont think ive ever explained that its like. Extremely Frequent #txt

[crqstalite]

see a lot of the time im like ‘hearing crit is good! i like to be well informed 🥰’ and other times im scrolling thru a tag and i no longer want to see someones shit and block on sight

#tumblr pvp #im not hugely liberal w the block button #i feel bad for the tiny people in my computer bc usually its just like #meh theyre a little annoying to me but they can exist in peace 🥰 #but today i was scrolling thru mea’s tag and was like #hm #i do not care that you hate this game #and blocked lmao #i think after my reddit scrolling thru the ME subreddit my tolerance for crit on mea is down 70% lol

[broke-on-books]

✒️ please!!

Send me a ✒️ and I'll pick a poem I think you'd like

After flipping through my notebooks I decided to go with my first instinct for you, which was "A Toast to the Alchemists" by Laura Gilpin. This poem hasn't been published online officially, so they're aren't a ton of sites that have it that I could find with a quick Google search. However I've attatched photos of a reddit post with it along with my version in my journal.

I picked this poem because of its themes of time and the passage of time, as well as magic and giving emotional significance to the most mundane and clinical of things (atoms and elements). In other words, taking magic from the world around us, especially through a lens usually seen as lacking wonder or whimsy. Also vibes, I mainly did it based on vibes.

Some other poems I considered in my search/additional recommendations are listed under the cut:

If you liked the writing of this poem, and haven't read it already (or have) I definitely recommend "The Two-Headed Calf" by Laura Gilpin. It's by the same author and is her most famous poem and is fairly well known and also soooooo good. So good.

Poems with similar themes:

Poems with similar themes to "A Toast to the Alchemists" are

"Dusting" by Marilyn Nelson 💘 (literally cried to this. To be fair it was 10 minutes after I finished the HDM finale so it was mainly because of that but still. Great poem.)

"The Sciences Sing a Lullabye" by Albert Goldbarth

"Ozymandias" by Percy Bysshe Shelley (90% sure you've read this one its the time theme but inverted and it's great if you haven't)

Rejected picks/Poems that gave me Anu vibes (many for no particular reason):

Poems by Ted Kooser for some reason??? NO idea why they're very different from the ones above but some of my faves are "Selecting a Reader", "In a Country Cemetery in Iowa", "The Constellation Orion" and "Flying by Night" (I'm v much questioning this pick now but I'll keep it up here just in case)

Honestly a bunch of random unrelated stuff was popping out at me ("Listen" by Miller Williams, "Cartoon Physics, Part 1" by Nick Flynn, "Snow" by David Berman) and like a million billion more which I all got from the same anthology (Poetry 180, edited by Billy Collins) so if you want to read a bunch more poetry, based on vibes alone, I'd say look for the book, the website, or the sequel. The poems from that book aren't too similar to the one above but it's really one of two books I generally recommend people right off the bat (it was my lit teachers favorite lol) because it's meant to get young adults and teens into poetry and introduce contemporary poetry in general. Idk how much poetry you've read whatever but even if you aren't new to it it's still a good compilation of late 90s/early 00s poetry that makes you think but isn't super long/totally incomprehensible

Anyways that got WAY longer than I anticipated or anyone probably wanted but poetry is an obsession of mine and recommending poetry is much more complicated and harder that it looks, even for the people you know best in the whole world AFTER interviewing their opinions on poetry, not to mention how difficult it would be for internet friends on tumblr. But anyways there's a couple poems, I got the vibes as close as I could with the poems I had on file. (Although i do feel like I'm missing something big 🤔) Anyways thanks for the ask Anu! Hope you thought my pick was alright!

#and please for the love of god dont feel pressured to read ANYTHING on here i spend hours and hours reading poems so when i rattle off names #like that its very much me bouncing along like a frog eating skittles hopping from poem to poem to poem #based on vague vibes and feelings #also also also i already knew this when i made this ask game BUT. recommending poetry is like trying to juggle with your eyes closed because #you just KNOW you just KNOW there is a group of perfect fall in love poems out there but theres a million factors you have to take into #account to find them. like theres theme theres rhyme theres rhythm theres style theres readability/directness #and you have to try and predict someones opinions on all of that while also trying to gauge their level of patience on topics like #age of poem clarity use of standard language and spelling experimental features and line breaks #when a use of any of those they dont like can turn them off a poem entirely #like we were asoue fans together so youd probably like something with ambiguity and could tolerate a more classical look #BUT then comes in the length factor and also a bit clarity plus we have to remember theme and i cant think of any poems that fit that idea #with a theme you would like that i would feel comfortable recommending (because some poems are good but also difficult) #and i LOVE difficult poems theyre my besties but i always hate them during the first 3 reads at least and who has time for that if you dont #have poetry brain disease like i do #anyways. thats a very long way of saying. i tricked you into asking me to ramble abt poetry mwahahahahahahaha #also if anyone out there feels like theyre someone who rambles a lot about their interests to others and can at times feel a little guilty #abt that the poem “To The Sea” by Anis Mojgani talks a bit about that from an outsider pov #blah #poetry tag #answered #jacobsnicket

[dialphone-archived]

very fucking stressed out all the time even though im chilling

#☎️.log #🌟.txt #vent tw #so... basically my most recent stressor aside from almost getting kicked out of my house is #i found out 2 ppl that are v important to me dont actually like eachother as much as i thought they did #and im worried they only tolerate eachother for me or tell eachother they like eachother for me #and im worried that neither of them actually even like me and theyre just worried theyre gonna hurt my feelings #& um...lately these days they both just dont put in the effort to talk to me and i wanna bring it up but #i dont want them to talk to me because i want them to talk to me i want them to talk to me because they want to talk to me #yk??? anyways. idk #i feel so stupid and immature for even thinking like this but ahhj i think its the mental illness.

[ma333ve]

i will admit, i'm starting to feel like i'm the problem cos the common denominator is that i'm in the situation

#BUT THATS STUPID AND IM NOT GOING TO LET MYSELF THINK LIKE THAT #the common denominator is over time they take and take more from me and being an abused people pleaser you tolerate everything theyre doing #you give them as much as you can so that you hope you get treated the same way #sometimes it works #the other times they treat you the way they normally treat you #blunt and sarcastic making jabs at you and what you do or how you act #you ignore it because #its a joke #you cant be assertive in fear they'll invalidate your feelings #or worse #im so tired of the cycles #when will it end #how many times do i have to go through this #or do i just stay single and be lonely forever :-) #why are these the people i attract #i thought if what i put out is what i recieve #anyway #maeve vents

[lepidopterium]

!!!

#spent all day in agony in bed because my fucking parents keep dragging us around on this awful vacation to whatever suits their whim w/o #asking us what we want or even showing any care for how we're doing or adjusting #i didnt want to leave the house of my aunt in cairo. i have privacy there and its closest to what im used to living in #i can tolerate the heat wave there despite my antidepressants. and im genuinely happy and at ease #but now im at the aunt who lives in the country and. bless her i love this aunt but i cant function here #the water is polluted and spending most of the vacation out here dried up my hair and skin badly. not to mention i havent been drinking #enough water because i can only safely drink bottled water which is expensive #and truly ive been trying to make the best of things but im trapped. i cant go anywhere. im always physically uncomfortable bc i #cant get used to living in the country like this. im surrounded by people who act friendly and sweet but still dont take no for an answer #whether it be forcing me to eat meat or like in the case of my baby cousin sticking to me bc i listen to her talk #and im scarred from being forced by my family out here to apologize to my mother (and they tried to get me to hug her) after SHE pulled a #knife on me and the aunt from cairo had to wrestle it out of her hand #i feel ill listening to cousins i looked up to as a kid talk about gay people and effeminate men the way they do #and i cant be at ease bc as a woman i have to act and dress in a way im not only used to but despise #ultimately ive had to mentally erase who i am and my needs so i can get through the day to day here #bc i cant go anywhere. i cant eat or dress how i like. i have limited access to things that bring comfort. i can barely communicate. #i have no privacy. and i have to act polite and happy no matter how i feel. and im physically ill from this heat #i cant even use the bathroom out here. no ready access to clean water either. i dont even have these basic things #and im trying to sleep but everyone is in this fucking room and the lights are on and theyre all chatting so i had to bury my face in my #sleeve and just quietly cry because im exhausted and there's nothing i can do about it but endure #i want to go home. i want to at least be back in cairo where i feel semi normal. #im sick and need to shower with warm. clean. water #i can't keep enduring nonstop daily discomfort on the most basic level. and i have no where to go #and i feel like a baby for complaining. but there is nothing for me here. and i can only survive here by pretending im not here and just #letting things happen BUT. im at my limit by now. #she pulled a fucking knife on me and then they made ME apologize. she was going to kill me. #im all alone. i want to go home. #plus everyone keeps touching me. i cant get any space. everyone keeps talking to me about marriage and kids and then getting upset when i #say no. i dont want that. i mean it. its not a joke. i dont want that. why wont they stop fucking bringing it up. why do they insist it's #wrong of me to want otherwise. barely have a glimpse of who i am and already im teetering on disdain from jokes that are actually serious

[yourlocalxbox]

‎

#being so similar to everyone is fucking exhausting #i can only :3 for so long before i fall back into the 'default' style and then its like i lose any shred of identity i had #if i were to 'be myself' you wouldnt be able to tell me apart from anyone if you tried #and to most people thats a reason for them to not treat me with respect #im 'close enough' #id like to be a version of myself that doesnt constantly want to put a bullet through my head #but i cant stop and try and 'embrace myself' or whatever because i cant stop #putting on a silly face is a compulsive urge that i cant rip off #i feel disgusted with myself and my thoughts and words but i cant stop #the silly little 'haiii :3c im so cute' mask is attached to me and it feels like some sort of parasite at this point #an 'alt personality' if you will. the irony of such a comparison is not lost on me #considering i alone am someone's '''alt personality''' with barely any personality of my own #laugh. that was funny. laugh. #feels like a fucking nightmare just trying to talk to people. like a creature mimicking sounds it hears to try and masquerade as a human #every time i think i have a hold of something im doing it wrong. dont people make fun of their friends? but when i do it its all wrong #dont people use silly emoticons? but when i do it its all wrong. dont people talk about their day? their interests? #all of mine are the wrong ones. apparently im a freak. for what? thinking dead things are cool? doesnt everyone? or for coping with my own- #-harassment and exploitation in a way that may not be common but ismt hurting anyone? cant i laugh or take a little pleasure in it? id- #-rather have a good time than cry about it. why doesnt that make sense to anyone. am i just some mentally ill freak. #how am i constantly doing everything wrong by literally just existing. im not even DOING anything but im THINKING wrong i guess?? #im existing incorrectly?? okay. alright. #what fucking ever just let me fall back into a cute lil :3c roseboy persona so people can tolerate me again. works superficially at least #better than nothing i guess. people like cute things. im sooo cute guys love me #love me please just fucking love me i need to be loved #i would do anything to be loved you dont understand i need someone to worship me like they once did #at least when they ripped out my soul and took advantage of me and used me and lied to me they did it cause they loved me #id do anything to be loved like that again i dont care if it kills me i just want someone to love me again #if it hurts theyre doing it right isnt that how it is. love is supposed to hurt and love is supposed to take me over and leave me begging #love and obsession are one and the same and i long for the feeling of whichever one comes first

[vagueiish]

i've been told a number of times that mental illness is a dirty, filthy, no good liar. but like..... what if it isn't?

#to me anyway. it's lying to the rest of you. dont use me as a guide #but. anyway.... #im much more inclined to give the mental illness and negativity the benny of the doubt than not yknow? #there's a non-zero chance (for example) that im right about the people around me merely tolerating my presence #and theyd be much happier if i were to just.... not be there #there's a non-zero chance the opposite is true i suppose but... #i know im awkward and off-putting and weird and also Not Good Looking #so evidence suggests the more negative scenario is true. right? #idk. what if i choose to believe that people do appreciate me and want me around only for it to be revealed that i was right the first time? #this kinda thing has happened before lol :'') #it was a situation i created myself i think so maybe it falls under self-fulfilling prophecy but. it still happened #the brain doesnt care if shit is homegrown lmao #i just dont want to be wrong #yknow? #im fuckin terrified of doing the stuff and working on loving myself #only to come to a point where all the alleged bullshit nonsense i used to believed about myself turns out to be true #is there proof somewhere? something refuting what im feeding myself?? #i know confirmation bias or whatever is a thing. maybe i need to be more vigilant looking for evidence to the contrary but. like.... #i dont know what im looking for really. or that i expect to find much of anything.... #i guess people are nice enough to me but it's horrifyingly easy to find ulterior motives behind being nice #they pity me. theyre nice to the weirdo to feel good aboit doing some good deed. theyre a masochist. etc etc. #and if you ask people straight up why theyre being nice to you they get defensive. understandably i guess but. #why would someone else be genuinely decent to me (says the 'liar' in my head) im not even nice to me #i suppose i should just trust other people but. lol. trust does not come easy #i want to believe people are genuine. i can kind of believe it from a distance #but.... #idk. i need sleep. i need to be up early #save me nyquil #to the void with love

[mosspapi]

It feels like everything I do is a losing battle. I physically can't stand up long enough to brush my teeth most days, but eventually my teeth and gums are so sore and bloody and inflamed that I end up having to spend an extra long time properly brushing and flossing them, which uses extra energy I don't have which means it'll be longer until I can do it again and the cycle repeats. I physically can't shower very often, but eventually I feel so gross and my skin is throwing such a fit that I have to, but bcuz it's been so long since I last showered it takes longer to get clean which means it'll be longer until I can shower again and the cycle repeats. It's physically very difficult for me to do laundry so I don't do it, but eventually I run out of clean clothes so I need to do laundry, but because I have so much to do it takes an extra long time which means it's longer until I can do it again and the cycle repeats. Everything is just an endless cycle of being unable to do things, having to do them anyways, and then being set back to square zero because of it. And I'm so fucking sick of it.

#I'm so sick of everything dude. it's not fucking fair. #just spent like. 5-10 minutes brushing my teeth. I feel like my legs r gonna fall off and I'm gonna pass out. #my gums r still bleeding. I can taste it. #mouthwash and blood is an unpleasant combination that I have gotten increasingly tolerant of over the last few months. #I'm gonna need to do another salt water rinse for sure today and I Should brush them again but I just don't think that's possible today #and I need to shower so fucking badly but I just cannot do it today. it's not possible. #armchair speaks #actually disabled #physically disabled #and of course the people who fucking caused me to be this way are being treated as tho theyre worse off when objectively they are not.