#but idk i guess i feel useless i try my best and i can never do anything right

[aly-writes]

Hey, I just read your aib fics and I really enjoyed them. So if it’s alright with you, can I ask for chishiya and Niragi with a burnout s/o who is unmotivated even though she actually has potential. Ty!:)

hello? is this a comeback? i'm actually not sure, i've been in the mood to write and decided to try and get back in the groove with one of the old requests sitting in my inbox. this may be a little rusty, but here it is (a year or so late, sorry!) also, totally had to relearn tumblr formatting lol

this is kind of all over the place but i think it's decent for my first time writing in a year and a half!

notes: chishiya's is pre-borderland, both are in college :)

warnings: maybe ooc chishiya? idk

niragi and chishiya with a burnt out s/o

chishiya shuntaro

the burnout wasn't sudden, so he had seen you at your peak

you had been a top performer at whatever you put your mind to. in your case, it had been your studies

both of you were going into similar fields, so he knew how tedious the work could be. even so, you managed to do it diligently and relatively painlessly

he had seen your love for learning firsthand. it was a common event to go out to lunch together and hear you ramble about whatever your professor lectured about that day

things didn't take a turn fast, but he was observant

he noticed your enthusiasm drop ever so slightly. the stars in your eyes dimmed over time and certain subjects turned into taboo topics around you

your usual "i wonder what we'll be learning today" turned into "professor's lesson will probably be useless again"

it seemed that you weren't even noticing it yourself with how subtle the change was. it happened over a few months and took you by surprise

all of a sudden, you were questioning everything about your life

"i should just drop out"

"what's the point anyway?"

these questions soon became a daily thing

soon enough, you stopped showing up to your daily lunches with him

chishiya likes to give off the impression that he couldn't care less. and for most people, that's the truth. but you aren't most people, and he genuinely cares about you

so of course he's concerned the first time you cancel on him.

he had shown up at the usual meeting spot and waited for you for at least ten minutes before he sent you a text. you were always punctual, so this was very out of the norm

your response was "sorry, had something come up. maybe next time?"

he decided to accept it, but before he knew it, next time never came

before either of you knew it, the things you loved to do soon became a chore

you came to dread school and stopped showing up at all. your motivation was in the gutter and the things that came easy in the past were now the hardest things ever

it felt like you were dragging yourself around. you were forgetful and the littlest things began to get under your skin

the worst part about it? you knew you could do better, you just couldn't bring yourself to perform the way you used to

chishiya knows you have potential. he had seen it himself. because you're important to him, he's willing to do what it takes to nurture that potential back into what it once was.

is chishiya the best at talking about feelings? definitely not. but he's clever and understands people at the deepest part of their core. he'll flip a tactic usually used for his own gain into something to help you out

he isn't very direct about what he's doing, he just kind of shows up one day and does it

he'll ask you about your classes and what you like and don't like. he brings it up as small talk but takes mental notes to bring up later

when you spout out something negative or cynical about your classes, he tries to guide you into a position where you'll have to reframe it into something positive

"god, i just can't stand this subject. i don't understand why they bring it up so often"

cue his tactful reply "if you know so much, won't it be easy for you to best anybody else there if the occasion arises?"

"yeah... i guess you're right."

he'll start walking you to class when he has the time to, that way you don't have an excuse to not go to school

chishiya prefers a hands-off approach. he cares about your feelings, but he would much rather observe from a distance and discreetly help you. he's not much for mushy-gushy stuff like a talk about your feelings

when he finally starts noticing your motivation spiking a bit, he couldn't be more relieved

if anybody were to ask him, he would verbally tell them that he was just grateful he wouldn't have to put up with you anymore (but we all know that isn't true :) deep down he only wants you to be the best person you can be)

overall...

chishiya loves you, truly. despite common belief among your peers, he doesn't want to see you fail and will do what he can to assist you given he doesn't have to talk to you about it face-to-face

niragi suguru

putting this as nicely as possible? niragi is dogshit when it comes to noticing stuff like this

unlike chishiya, if you want him to help you, you're going to have to be the one to tell him how you're doing

niragi is a very physical person, but lacks on the emotional side, so he can be a little intimidating if you want to talk about stuff like that

when you come up to him and break the news that you're starting to get burnt out, he really doesn't know how to respond at first

you had been doing fine, so what's with this all of a sudden?

he thinks your emotions are sudden and off-putting. he doesn't realize that they've been brewing for a while

maybe if he weren't a militant it would be different, but his priorities are all over the place

he enjoys running around the place with a gun, but he also enjoys his time with you. it's a little hard for him to balance both

when you finally sit him down and explain, he starts to get it

even if he finds it sudden, he's willing to listen. you're his partner after all, his self-proclaimed number one

you explained to him how tired you were from the games. how exhausted your mind was and how difficult it was to drag yourself out of your room on game days

considering you had been a high-ranking member due to how many cards you raked in during your stay at the beach, he was kind of thrown off

he didn't expect you to be struggling with the thing you were best at, but oh boy is he devoted to getting you back to where you were prior to your burnout

niragi will cut any corner and destroy anything in his way to achieve a goal. especially if that goal pertains to you

niragi is majorly possessive of you. if he knows you're unhappy, his brain immediately jumps to the thought that it will lead to you being unhappy with him. he doesn't like this thought, so he will fix it no matter what

he'll get you your favorite things. you want something specific for dinner? he'll go into the kitchen and threaten the cooks to make it. he notices somebody stressing you out or giving you a hard time? it's safe to say you won't be seeing them anytime soon

his way of dealing with your burnout is just trying to make you as happy as possible. he thinks that happiness will motivate you more, which will get you back in the groove

niragi understands very well how good you are at what you do, which is partly why he tries so hard

you had talent. one of the very few that did well at almost any type of game, not matter the suit

you shined brightest while doing your best, and damn does niragi love to see you shine

seeing you outplay everybody else gives him a thrill that can't be matched, which is the entire reason he got infatuated with you in the first place

overall...

while it may not be the healthiest mentality, niragi likes you the most when you're in top condition. it reminds him of why he fell for you and chose you out of anybody in the beach

when you're at your best and he's at his best, you could basically rule the world

because of these specific things, once he's aware of your burnout, he won't rest until you're feeling better

#chishiya shuntaro #chishiya shuntaro x reader headcanons #chishiya shuntaro x reader #chishiya x reader #niragi suguru #niragi suguru x reader #niragi x reader #niragi suguru x reader headcanons #niragi suguru headcanons #chishiya shuntaro headcanons #alice in borderland #aib #alice in borderland x reader #aib x reader #alice in border x reader headcanons #aib headcanons #aib x reader headcanons #alice in borderland headcanons #fanfiction #fanfic

[gotham-daydreams]

With the reading that i did for yandere batfam about how unpleasent it is for the reader because the batfam is quick to blame and mentally-terrorize the reader if the reader is being aggresive to their affection or very very much uncooperative (or active-agressive(?) agressive-unccoperative(?) Idk how to put it in words. Is it rejecting their affection(?)) in their return of affection.

I can personally say that heck yes, weaponized the freak out of the guilt but not so aggresive. Be as petty as you can be.

If it was me, i would so much be passive-aggresive and numb myself to their affection. And can worked on minimalism/low-maintenance affection and physical contact to survive/living. In short being introvert. I dont need your love and affection to live. Cutting my relation out of the Wayne mansion? Too bad, so sad for me. I have survived from lesser affection in my childhood from when you neglect me. And with your force affection? Yeah, i have survived less and this will be a breeze.

You forcefully try to hug me? Yeah, i dont like being hugged. Please keep yourself away from me. Its not nice of me to reject your affection? Yeah, cant be helped that i develop dislike of physical affection because of how often you ignored me.

You compliment me? Sure, whatever, thanks i guess. I know i am amazing, lots of people told me. And the awards help to solidify that too.

You forcefully make me join your game-night? *looking at them as if they lost their mind* I dont want to. I cant refuse? Fine, i'll play your game but with the most minimal effort just to make you itty bitty bit happy so that you wont hound me later and after this finish, i can go back to my room to become a hermit.

Forcing me to play my music piece in front of you? Sure, i'll play it. *after i finish playing* Are u happy now? *giving them the most dead-panned look* If you are, let me go back to my room in peace.

Forcing me to bake a cake? Its a bother, i am not in the mood to baking stuff. Still forcing me? Fine! *inhaling deeply as if its the most inconvenience thing in the world* *bake the most simple cake ever* Done! Anything else that you want to bother me with? *giving them the look of being annoyed but wont tell it to their face that they are a nuisance for manners sake*

You want MY help? *sigh exasperatedly* *giving them the most fake smile ever* Sure. I can help you. But are YOU sure you want MY help? Since i am confindence the others can do much better than my useless forgetable self. I mean you can do it without my help for years now, i am sure you can manage. But if you want my help, who am i to refuse, right? *still giving the most fakest brightest smile*

The amount of pettines that can be done is endless. Like not saying it straight to their face. The passive agressive!! Sometime complimenting oneself and have pride on how amazing they are so batfam words have nothing on reader, other time just self depracating themself, being aware of how lesser in some field they are compare to the batfam to guilt them but its not like its not true.

Or like instead of despairing and giving in to batfam or have stockholm syndrome. What about just being adaptive? Making the best of their situation? Sure, this suck and i can not escape. But i am alive and i will make the best of whatever life have thrown me. I survive years of neglect. I WILL survive out of being kidnapped of my life that i build, back to where my house of hatred is. I may not be happy, you probably will make me miserable if i act out of line (i am pretty sure our line is different. I feel pretty justified to act like this but i know you think i act out of line), but i am going to make sure that you wont forget your sin no matter what (i personally think this is a great punishment. Sure i tread carefully on your line, but i wont give in to you.)

Sorry if this is long. I dont even know where i am going with this. Maybe i feel bad for the reader who always seem to never win in the captive and i want them to at least have some small victories without the punishment, i guess. But you can ignore it if you want. Or if this is bothering you.

I get what you mean! And yeah, honestly doing all of that petty stuff, and generally being uncooperative and such is very fair! After all, it's what the Batfam deserves after everything...

To which I have to say that they do something worse than just normally kidnap the reader but that isn't in part 3 (don't want to get anyone's hopes up too high now). Though it does make the Batfam more deserving of such behavior, so, again, acting that way is very fair and honestly? Go off.

The family will have to deal with it, and even if eventually they'll try to 'correct it', they're more smart than they are brutal, in my opinion. They'll let is slide for a while even if it hurts, but eeeeveryone has a breaking point.

Gotta take those small victories while you can and while they count, y'know? Their guilt will be their down fall for a while.

#talking daydreams #yandere batfam

[tobiasdrake]

Examining MK1 Characters: Earthrealm

Alright, I want to take a moment and go character-by-character to share opinions on the new versions of Mortal Kombat characters in Liu Kang's new timeline.

Let's start with the giant fucking sausage fest that is the Earthrealmers. I don't know what possessed Netherrealm to restrict "being female" to a trait solely possessed by aliens. IDK. But Kang's like, "Time to collect my warriors, no women allowed. Earthrealm is a Boys' Club now, and that is final!"

Maybe he's super creeped out that Johnny reproduced in the last timeline and is determined to stop that shit from ever happening again. Joke's on him 'cause Johnny still finds love anyway.

Liu Kang/Raiden

I'm putting these two together because they square danced into each other's spots so they compare more to each other than to themselves.

How does Kang compare to Raiden? Honestly, I loved him. As Protector God, Kang has a lot more personality than Raiden ever did. Raiden's always gone for this emotionless almighty deity approach, while Kang's performance shows a lot more of the humanity we know he carries with him. He emotes more.

Any time Raiden would speak with his champions, you could feel the godly distance between him and them. He wants them to prevail, but he is a being who is far detached from them and it carries in his lofty performance. But when Liu Kang speaks to his champions, you can feel his compassion. How much he genuinely cares. There's a likable softness to him that Raiden's never had. He meets people at their level because he remembers what it feels like to be there.

He is their god. But he engages with them as if he were a friend. Even when he reveals that he is the Creator God of the universe itself, he rejects any deference. I love that about him. Liu Kang is Best God.

Raiden/Liu Kang

For his part, Raiden is... He's almost an afterthought. I was worried he would overtake the story; That the writers would push too hard trying to make him the "new" Liu Kang. Rather than let anyone else shine, they'd swap Raiden and Kang's roles completely.

Instead, the opposite happened? Raiden is barely even in this story. He becomes Earthrealm's Champion and gets to show off his fighting skills to Sindel. Then he's dropped from the story almost entirely. He's a nice guy who punches well. He was not as good at punching as Kung Lao is, until one day, he was better. That's it. That's his entire plot.

Johnny Cage

Johnny's a hard character for writers to nail down. He's a self-important jackass and a great hero. Comically full of himself and a highly formidable martial artist who can hang with the best of 'em. His portrayals often struggle to capture that balance, veering too far towards either "Useless Clown" or "Totally reformed and genuinely virtuous".

MK1 struck that balance well. We get endless reminders of how Hollywood shallow Johnny is, without making a complete joke out of him. He's genuinely invested in being here and his character ending even reframes the whole "Johnny makes movies about his adventures" thing into a form of PR.

Kang wants to reveal the truth to the world, and the medium for that is Johnny's films. That's clever. I like it.

Johnny even gets to have a character arc. It's... not great? Like, his bromance with Kenshi is strong. But he opens his story with his wife leaving him because he's let his celebrity go to his head and burned all his wealth on trinkets and doo-dads. But then the trinkets and doo-dads wind up being his ticket into becoming a true hero, so actually it's good that he's Nicolas Cage-ing it up as hard as he can?

That sort of setup is usually supposed to inform us about a fatal flaw that the character must overcome. But instead, Johnny's rewarded for it. There's even a scene where he gets to use one of his money-sink toys to help the plot, while bragging about how wrong his nagging ex was. So I guess the central message around his ex-wife is just, "Man, bitches, amirite? Always trying to hold you back."

Meanwhile, the payoff to his arc is that Johnny returns Sento to Kenshi. But there's no indicator of character growth or development. The only thing that's changed between them since yesterday is that Kenshi had his eyes gouged out; That makes this come off like a gesture of pity rather than growth.

"Man, I would be a real heel to keep holding on to your sacred family treasure after you got disabled like that."

The intent is clear; This is meant to demonstrate the strength of their growing friendship. It feels like Johnny's still hanging onto Sento more to playfully tease Kenshi than because he genuinely feels entitled to it. But we don't get to see that growth. They trained together offscreen and now they're bros.

Speaking of which,

Kenshi

Kenshi gets a lot of focus and expansion in MK1. Prior to this, he was always "Wandering swordsman does swords real good in the name of Earthrealm". MK1 expands his character, delving deep into his clan's history and establishing grounded ties to the physical world. They do a great job of making Kenshi feel like a fleshed out character.

What they don't do well is making him into Kenshi. Adaptations/reboots/etc. sometimes come off janky when it comes to explaining how the character became the thing that's iconic about them. Sometimes it can feel like the Chains of Iconicity simply wrapped around them and dragged them inorganically into resembling their counterparts.

(This happens a lot to Jax, who has to have his arms ripped off in every portrayal somehow to justify his robot arms, even though the original had them installed apropos of nothing. He felt cool robot arms would make him stronger, so he got 'em.)

MK1 Kenshi is 100% a Chains of Iconicity character. He needs to get blinded somehow, so Mileena jams a pair of sais all the way through his eyes and somehow fails to puncture his brain. Then he needs to get Sento, so Johnny spontaneously hands 'er over without a fuss. Then he needs to gain spirit telekinesis, so Sento suddenly goes, "Hey, I'm a ghost sword and you have spirit telekinesis now." Even Kenshi's confused by how abrupt and un-foreshadowed that is.

It would feel like a random bullshit twist yanked straight out of the writer's ass if we, the audience, didn't already know it was a thing and expect it from a Kenshi-shaped character. He spends most of his journey as an interesting and organic character but then he suddenly gets kidnapped and pounded into a Kenshi mold.

Kung Lao

Kung Lao is the most consistent of the Earthrealmers. Which is to say, he's fine. All the Kung Lao stuff is there. He longs for greatness. He's devoted to protecting Earthrealm. He's part of the team. Raiden goes from nobody to champion and also Kung Lao is there. Johnny and Kenshi embark on this big mission and also Kung Lao is there.

He rarely stands out but he's certainly one of the boys. This feels like neither a step up nor a step down from past portrayals, where he was the other Shaolin guy standing next to Liu Kang while Kang was doing plot stuff. Kung Lao rarely gets to be distinctive or interesting. It's his curse to always dwell in the shadow of characters with more narrative focus.

Scorpion

Why is he Scorpion? Unclear. They go hard on making their Scorpion into a composite character of Kuai Liang and Hanzo Hasashi, even to the point of having him found the Shirai Ryu and marry Harumi. (And boy does that first Invasion want you to know this is what happened.)

It never stops feeling weird to see Scorpion running around as Sub-Zero's Lil' Bro. Even when they inevitably schism, Scorpion being outraged because Sub-Zero is a disgrace to the Lin Kuei remains utterly surreal from beginning to end.

Scorpion never feels like Scorpion; He always feels like Sub-Zero (the one we know) doing a cosplay.

As for the schism itself, this worked for me. Kuai Liang having to flee the Lin Kuei because their Grandmaster is a douche is one of those Iconic Things that has to occur, but having that schism with a living Bi-Han is unique and interesting. More on that in....

Sub-Zero

Bi-Han is the original Sub-Zero, but his Chains of Iconicity thing is Noob Saibot. Bi-Han typically exists to die immediately so he can come back as Saibot. This is the first time since the obscure platformer MK Mythologies: Sub-Zero that Bi-Han's been allowed to be an active player in events unfolding.

He more or less slots into the role of the unnamed Lin Kuei Grandmaster responsible for the cybernetic program that gives us Sektor and Cyrax. A supremely sinister figure involved in a major intra-factional conflict that previously occurred entirely offscreen. At once the wicked mastermind of a major development in the story and such an irrelevant footnote of a character that he never even warranted a name.

Kicking that role over to Bi-Han for the reboot is a strong choice. It puts an actual character into the lead position of this development and promises interesting things for the future. They took a character with no story to speak of and a story with no character to speak of, and fit them together like jigsaw pieces. Well played.

Smoke

Also Smoke is nearby.

Smoke is the Kung Lao of the Lin Kuei. Kuai Liang and Bi-Han have their drama, and also Smoke is nearby. In fact, he's so nearby that he gets punted from the story for the sake of the emotional Sub-Zero Bros having their showdown together, then jogs up to Liang afterwards like, "Yo, what'd I miss?"

It's hilarious how little the game cares about Smoke. If this is how you're going to handle him, why is he even here? XD

Sadly, this is not much of a change from previous portrayals. Smoke has always been "And Smoke". He's been Sub-Zero and Smoke, he's been Noob Saibot and Smoke, but much like And Kung Lao, "And Smoke" is the story of his life.

#mortal kombat #mortal kombat 1 #mortal kombat 12 #liu kang #raiden #johnny cage #kenshi #kung lao #sub zero #smoke #kuai liang #bi han #tomas

[piratefalls]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @ninzied! thank you friend!

How many works do you have on ao3?

40!

What's your total ao3 word count?

169,903, which is a shock to me because it really doesn't feel like that much.

What fandoms do you write for?

previously teen wolf/sterek and hawaii five-0/mcdanno, currently taking my first stab at rwrb/firstprince

Top five fics by kudos:

(Waiting) Until the Sky Falls Down on Me (sterek)

Today and Every Day (sterek)

I'm Gonna Give All My Secrets Away (stanny)

Man, Interrupted (sterek)

it's my (pants) party and i'll cry if i want to (sterek)

Do you respond to comments?

i do my best! sometimes i'm terrible at it, but i try!

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't really do angsty endings! I'm a HEA kinda girl.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

probably either Today and Every Day or it's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes because they both end in proposals lol

Do you get hate on fics?

never hate, but i've had a comment here and there that wasn't necessarily appreciated

Do you write smut?

not really anymore. i got myself to do it because it felt like the only thing that got traction and maybe if that was good enough it'd be a gateway to the stuff i enjoyed writing (and, frankly, stuff i spent far more time on). and i don't think i'm particularly good at smut anyway lol. but if given the choice between smut or funny/introspective i'm gonna go with the latter every time.

Craziest crossover:

I haven't done a crossover!

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

so idk who remembers this but a while ago there were people who would post people's fics to Goodreads and one of mine wound up there and those reviews hurt my feelings enough that i quit writing for a while after.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

not to my knowledge!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

haven't, but i think it could be fun with the right partner!

All time favorite ship?

this is an impossible question and i can't choose. i love them all equally, just for different reasons.

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

good lord my person of interest post-canon fic. will anyone read it? very unlikely. is it the principle of the thing? yes.

What are your writing strengths?

i genuinely have no idea. i've never given it any real thought. i mean, the build of what i write is some form of introspection mixed with humor, so probably those things.

What are your writing weaknesses?

plot and world building. i'm useless at it, for the most part. and like i said above, i don't think i'm great at smut. it's passable at best.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

i love it. though i do miss the days when people regularly utilized that hover function that would show the translation if you left your mouse over the phrase for a few seconds. way better than having to scroll down to the notes for the translation.

First fandom you wrote in?

teen wolf. much simpler times.

Favorite fic you've written?

I don't have a single favorite so I'm gonna go with a few for different reasons

humor: Got Your Body On My Mind (I Want it Bad) - mcdanno & co get sent to a sexual harassment training seminar. chaos ensues.

character analysis: Written in the Scars on Our Hearts - steve mcgarrett and all the ways a person can be touched and the

most cathartic: & lift him back up again - working through my own grief by making a character sad

crack, my beloved: it's my (pants) party and i'll cry if i want to - every time stiles orgasms his dick sounds like a party horn. there's glitter come. i might have been hammered.

tagging @wellhalesbells @priincebutt + i feel like doing an open tag for anyone who wants to share what they love about their work!

#about me

[savethepinecones]

1, 16, 20, 25! + any one of your choosing

1: what is your nickname?

i dont have any based on my name since its already v short but ive had internet folks call me pinecones or piney and i like those!

16: what do you think makes you attractive?

i think physically my eyes are my best feature but if were talking personality uhh i guess ive got a solid sense of humor?

20: whats a totally random and useless fact that you know?

every piece of knowledge ive ever had just abandoned me lol. if you feel like youre going to sneeze you can stop it by touching the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth a few times, like if you were saying la la la (i think i was told youre supposed to say "pineapple" but its the tongue thing thats the actually effective part)

25: do you/have you played any sports?

oh man. i did gymnastics for a bit when i was like four. tried ballet when i was seven but eventually decided to pursue piano instead (my mom had my sister and i try both for a year and then pick one to stick with). i also was on a soccer team at some point, maybe in first grade? i actually dont remember it at all but i vaguely remember looking at the team photos. also i remember the high socks lol. and then i briefly did softball in middle school because my childhood best friend had picked it up the year before and i wanted to fit in. im very asthmatic though so most if not all of these Did Not Go Well lol

and for the bonus one ill go with 19: a time that you told a lie

first off some important context for this is that i was raised mormon and every summer the church would have all the girls ages 13-17 go camping for like a week. they do hikes and crafts and devotionals etc. i think its all standard church camp type stuff.

so the first year i went they had the younger girls go on a short hike while the older ones went on a longer one. when we got back, a couple friends and i were curious about the longer hike so we decided to check the trail out during free time. we kept walking for quite a while. idk how long it was but we knew wed been gone long enough that people would have noticed we were missing. if i had to guess id say maybe an hour or so idk. anyway we got to a point where the path started to trail off and disappear so we decided to stop for a bit and then work our way back. we were in a pretty big meadow but there were some trees partway down a hill and one of my friends went down there to pee and carved some initials on a tree. i think she said she carved something for me and my crush at the time but i never saw it lol.

anyway eventually we started to head back and at some point we realized we were probably gonna get in trouble for disappearing. i was really worried about it but one of the girls was like "no dont worry about it ill take the blame" and suggested that we tell everyone that she had seen a deer and followed it and then the other girl and i went after her because we didnt want her to get lost in the woods alone.

about halfway back to camp we started hearing people calling our names. we kinda figured there might be some people looking for us but what we werent expecting was that they were men. remember, this is Girls Camp. usually the bishop would show up for a day or two but other than there werent any guys up there. turned out the bishop showed up while we were gone and some other guys whod driven up with him to drop off some food offered to help him look for us.

eventually the search party found us and we all stuck to our story when they asked us what had happened. i think we also said that initially wed been lost and really scared but then we said a prayer and just like that we found a path! and thats why they found us on a trail even though wed supposedly run off into the woods at random. it was very dramatic and spiritual. and also complete bullshit.

so we finally get back to camp and the leaders are all fretting over us. the girl who "followed the deer" did get a lecture about not chasing wild animals because they could be dangerous but that was about it. no big repurcussions.

that night we had a devotional, which is basically just the whole group sitting around the campfire and telling stories about when they felt the holy spirit or whatever. usually the leaders will start off by reading some scriptures or a talk from some church official and then theyll turn it over to the kids to talk about their experiences. in the middle of this, a deer wandered into the clearing near our camp. some of the girls pointed it out because cool, a deer. but the moment the three of us saw it, my friend who had supposedly followed a deer into the woods earlier that same day jumped up and shouted "thats the deer!"

for some reason everyone, including the adults, took it at face value that this random deer in the woods must be the exact same one wed supposedly seen earlier that day and also that it was some sort of sign that god had been looking out for us while we were "lost"

looking back on it now it doesnt really seem like a big lie but it felt like a huge deal at the time because we lied to The Bishop. for a long time i considered this to be the worst thing id ever done. we never came clean to anyone whod been there at the time and i dont think i even told my mom the real story until like a decade later lol

that story ended up being way longer than i thought it would be lol (ive told it before but never written the whole thing out so the word count is surprising) but its probably the most exciting lie ive got. the alternative stories are mostly like "i was super depressed but didnt think that would be considered a valid reason to bail on something so i said i had a migraine" so i think it was the best option despite the length. also its been a while since i thought about this and it made me nostalgic so yay

thanks for asking!! i had a lot of fun answering these (you can tell by how long this post ended up being lol)

#answered asks #thegoliathbeetle

[pretty-idol-hell]

It's me again! I've been playing off and on, but my phone got reset unexpectedly (tech people are not helpful) and I don't know if there's any way to get my account back. I can see there's an option to log-in but I don't ever remember being asked to make a password or anything. Do you have any advice? ( ；∀；)

Hello! I've answered several asks about this recently:

But the bottom line is...

Even if you did create a password, apparently the password system is useless for account recovery because it only lasts 15 minutes. I can only guess this is another measure to combat the supposed epidemic of account buying/selling.

So unfortunately my only advice is to follow the steps in the first post to contact support. Try and include payment records if you have spent money on the game? If you get a response saying your game can't be recovered, I've seen a post in Japanese suggesting you could try asking Apple/Google Play or maybe even your CC company for your money back?

I feel it would be in their best interest to keep current players playing and they should offer account recovery now or in the future if they intend for this game to last longer than 9 months, but...

[khodorkovskaya]

Like, those things all meant something to you too! That's a v important thing to you and in a relationship. People are meant to be supportive of each other, like, why couldnt he chear you on or show enthusiasm and encouragement towards you

yeah! and he never did! about anything!

idk if it's bc my period is coming up or bc i spent the night at my parents' place yesterday and that brought back old memories, but i thought about him again last night and cried. more specifically i remembered how i caught him watching porn... and it really broke my heart and still does.

i don't remember if i told this story here before but i'll tell it again bc it's such a clear example of what kind of behaviour to avoid in men.

so in my second year of uni i got really depressed. there was covid, i didn't see the point of studying anymore, i hated everything and our relationship was also going nowhere. im not gonna get into the details of it, but the important thing to know is that i was depressed. i lost weight, would burst out crying out of nowhere, i was a mess.

and when you're depressed, well, you have no libido. it felt like everything was frozen down there. i couldn't get my coochie to cooperate. and, as my ex never made any particular effort to console me or provide me with the least amount of care and compassion a depressed person could need, i didn't feel particularly motivated to sleep with him either.

and just as a side note, i talked about my depression a lot. my parents really helped me thru it and i started going to therapy so that it wouldn't get worse, i really tried my best to let it be known that i was depressed and that i needed help. and when it came to the sex stuff, i would also explain it to my ex, so that he wouldn't feel undesired. i even made a list of things that turn me on for him in at attempt to make things easier for him. (he didn't care at all about the list btw. bc things that turn me on aren't sexual enough i guess. it was mostly things like cuddling, having deep conversations, looking into each others eyes, romantic gestures, etc. it was too boring for him i guess.)

so anyway, time goes by and our sex life gets more and more frustrating. bear in mind he had previously told me on several occasions that in his mind cheating and not telling your partner about can be justified. he'd sometimes bring up things like "when couples get older, they usually don't have sexual chemistry anymore and the dad goes after the young secretary, you know what i mean hahaha? that's probably gonna be us one day hahahahaha". and coming from a family where the dad did leave the family for a younger woman, that really stood out to me. so even if he meant it as a joke, it was not funny to me at the slightest.

and so here i am, feeling sexually useless, my boyfriend telling me that im not trying hard enough and that he feels offended that i don't find him desirable anymore (even though i had told him a million times that that wasn't the issue) and then it hits me like shit.... here we go... he's gonna cheat on me just like he said. i can't provide him with what he needs, so he's gonna go find someone else.....

so every time we had sex it felt like it was some kind of exam i had to pass to keep him. i became overly conscious about what i did and how i acted in bed, i started feeling fat and started hating my body, it was horrible. and naturally, the sex became even worse. and so he became more and more pushy. and it became this vicious cycle.

bear in mind that as i said, i had made that list of things that turn me on. and plus i would also tell him that i felt like going on a date could maybe make things a bit better. we could spend some quality time together, have deep conversations, eat something nice and the romance could turn me on, it would be a win-win. but he never took me out on a date, not once 🙃

so the whole thing started in like april 2020 and it was reaaaally bad in winter 2021. and now it was setember 2021 and still no date, constant reminders of how im not good enough from his end every time we have sex and frustration upon frustration upon frustration.

summer is coming to an end and he's like "ohh we haven't gone hiking this year, let's go hiking, that could be your date". and im like shit, i don't like hiking. but he pushes me to do it. (and to be fair it was quite fun, but the point is he organised the camping trip for himself and not to please me.) so we're in the car, on our way to the mountains. i open his phone to look up google maps and... there's porn. gangbang porn. my whole world starts to crumble.

of course i cant live upto his expectations in the bedroom! im up against porn actresses! women who do this for a living! it's like comparing a regular person to a supermodel, like you can't compete with that. here i am, a regular girl without any spicy sexual fantasies, low self esteem and depression. my boyfriend prefers watching violent porn to making love to me and the only way to get him back is... to be better than porn actresses...? it's a lost cause, isn't it?

so im there like fuckkkk and he starts nervously laughing like "oopsie, you caught me ahaha". and i have two options: either A, confront him about it or B, suck it up and postpone the conversation until the end of the hike. and we're already at the mountains at this point. confronting him would mean making a uturn and ruining the "date" i was begging him for months for. maybe this hike could be my chance to get him back? he loves hiking, so if i show interest in hiking, maybe he would love me and be more compassionate with me! so i choose option B.

after walking for two days straight, the hike is finally over and we get home. im exhausted, my legs hurt like hell. as we lie in bed, he wants to have sex with me. i say "not now, im sooo tired", hoping that he will understand. we just came back from a two day hike! he will undestand, right? but of course he doesn't and he gets angry at me again. "this is why i watch porn," he says. and i want to die.

so i tell myself, i will do anything for him. i will prove to him that i can do it, that im capable!

(ive always had a deep fear of making the first move and initiating sex. what if he thinks that im a slut? what if i do something wrong and he will think it's weird?)

and so, despite my fears, i decide to sacrifice it all for him. my legs are in pain, my heart is pounding in my ears because im terrified, i feel like this is my last chance to get him to like me. so i roll over and start kissing him. the adrenaline is crazy, i feel like it's life or death. im holding back tears, as im thinking about the women in the porn videos he watches.

and my worst fear comes true.

he just lies there.

he doesn't kiss me back, he doesn't put his arms around me. he just lies there.

and im like fuck. here we go. im weird. im ugly. im useless. he's already made up his mind. fuck, maybe i deserve to be cheated on, im so worthless. it literally feels like my whole existence is falling apart. im devastated.

so i pull back from the kiss and ask him if he's okay. and he says "you see now? this is how i feel". he basically decided to punish me for saying no to sex earlier.

so yeah... it really broke my heart... and i don't know when it will heal. because i still think about it sometimes and it makes me cry.

and it really sucks because this whole thing could've been avoided if back in 2020 when my depression had just began, he'd just said "hey babe, you're not in the mood? that's okay! we can just cuddle and watch a movie if you want. im always here for you no matter what. we'll figure things out together, don't worry about it, okay? i love you!". that alone would've made me want to have sex with him. maybe if he had said that, my depression wouldn't have lasted as long as it did. i wouldn't have had the body issues and the self esteem issues and a broken heart... but it turned out his penis was more important than all of that.

[magnoliamyrrh]

and another thing that chronic pain brings that i find is less talked about and that people without chronic pain can't wrap their head around, is the emotional pain and just straight up despair of feeling like your body is useless, knowing you'll never be able to do the things you want to that "normal" people can do.

^^^^^ Exactly

especially when it hits you when youre young. even if and when you manage to get used to the pain itself (tho even "getting used to it" takes a prepetual toll) theres still always that part of it too. of feeling trapped in a body that seems so weak and fragile, and there being things you want to do that you used to be able to at some point, or dreamed of being able to do that you just.... have to accept you either cant, or that if you do them theyre going to make you exponentially worse....... it feels like being forced to miss out on so many things, and its so damn hard and mentally draining and scary and,,,,yea,, a lot of dispair hits you. its hard to accept

i always lose it when i realize how much i can't rly do anymore. even when i had chronic pain some years back and my joints were going to shit, id still push myself and walk for hours upon hours almost every day, it was relaxing and one of my favourite things to do.... now there are many times when walking for 30-40 minutes a day or several times a week feels like it absolutely cripples me. such seeminly low effort things take it out of me for days on end.... i cant play guitar anymore because my hands cant handle it. when my pain was worse, thank god its better now, i couldn't draw anymore... theres so many hobbies i wanted to try, but cant because some part of my body wouldnt handle it. many times ive been too dizzy or exhausted to cook, despite it being one of my favourite things to do.... i had an entire weeks-long mental breakdown and spiraled horribly when i realized i couldnt really ski anymore, despite being very, very good at it. id rather die than think i could never ride horses again, but i know there is a high chance doing so will ruin my hips...... the list is fucking endless

it feels like some sort of nightmare you just cant seem to wake up from. past a point damned be the pain, but realizing your body just cant handle or do shit or doesnt have the strengh, or that the pain is just too sharp, its just... fucking horrible.... it almost breaks you more than the pain itself past a point. and idk personally its been a nightmare for me to see how fast a lot of my health issues have progressed. i was certain i wouldnt be as bad as i am now until i was in my 30s.... but in just a few years, its gotten so much fucking worse

..... its one of those things that i guess you cant do nothing about but accept...? and try to make the best out of??? because getting endlessly upset about it doesnt help, and being upset only feeds the chronic pain. but its very hard, especially when daily things in your life constantly remind you. i still havent been able to figure out some sort of way or mindset to do that at all

i assume from this ask you also struggle with this? im very sorry ❤️🧡❤️ it truly is a lot to handle to say the least. thank u for this ask tho, helps to feel less alone, and if u ever need to vent to someone who gets it ur more than welcome to 🌸 i hope this week will be easier on you and that youll feel a little bit better, and i hope with time you'll maybe be able to find some things which make it easier to bare. god knows what the chances are, but maybe with all the science nowadays well both have the insane luck for some cure or actual treatment, as far fetched as that seems at times

#also pls tell me if u want this deleted i didnt know if to publish it or not

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi. This is very personal. I don't talk much about it because I don't think anyone who wasn't an abused/neglected child can understand it. Maybe you can. It isn't important that you answer fast, really. And I don't believe you have good tips for me. But maybe you do and if not, I have at least told someone about it.

tw psychiatry, suicidal gesture, self harm

10 years ago, when I was 13, I commited myself into psychiatry. I was severely suicidal, did attempt suicide (but never told anyone in my real life, still not) and had obsessive thoughts about killing myself all the time and... Idk didn't really want it. Not all the time. So yeah, I thought that was a good idea. Secretly I was hoping they'd take me out of my family, but that was a subconscious hope.

And psychiatry was... traumatic again. It was mainly (I believe) the loss of control (trauma-child, need much control) and that the people... didn't believe I was just a people pleaser. I wanted everyone to like me and did my best all the time but... the nurses seemed to have become cynical and didn't believe that. All my depression symptoms were called "lazy, doesn't want to cooperate", all my friendships "try to bring others up against the nurses" and all the mistakes I did, because I was careless or clumsy or didn't pay enough attention, were made with bad intentions. I tried so hard to make them believe me that I was a good person, but it was useless. (They didn't treat just me this way. The psychiatry, as I learned years later, has a very bad reputation for that very reason and their protocols etc aren't very reliable amongs therapists, because they always paint patient worse than they are). It was so horrible. (One example is, I did harm myself one evening and then went to the movie evening with the self-made bandaids, in short clothes, because I didn't care to keep it a secret. The self harmers were controlled once a week anyways. And the next day was control day and the nurse (the movie night nurse) was super shocked and angry that I didn't tell her and I said (and meant) "Oh sorry, I thought you noticed yesterday evening" so she wrote down "She harms herself to manipulate the nurses to get their attention!" (I was given the protocol after I left and... it still leaves me crying)).

That's one example but I guess it shows you all you need to know. Uhh, I am shivering from anxiety again. How unfortune. Anyhow.

The first year after I left, I had flashbacks daily. It became less and less and is now only a handful times a year. Which is still much, in my opinion, for 10 years, but I can't change it.

I just had such a flashback, an olfactic one. I was in bathroom and brushing teeth and suddenly had the smell of the community bathroom of the psychiatry in my nose. And I... was so sad that I am not there anymore. Which is the opposite of what I usually feel. I am so torn between those two extremes, it hurts.

Because it wasn't everything bad. There were people... seeing me. They recognized, what I did, they saw me, greeted me, took care of me. They later wrote down that I am a horrible human being, but at least someone SAW me.

And I had hope. They quickly called CPS to take me out of my home and my social worker promised me that and was looking for a new home for me. I had hope that something would change for me, that I wouldn't need to bear my family for many more years, until I can move out. The social worker later changed her mind, decided, it was too expensive and my mom seemed nice so, good for her, goodbye. Guess where I am still living.

And the last thing, that is kinda a secret, there was a doctor I really liked. Not like in a substitute-mom way, but she was a role model for me. I would've loved her to stay my therapist for longer or be in my life for longer so she could... guide me. Oh that sounds strange. I don't find better fitting words. So she really took care of me, came in, in her freetime to talk to me, she cared more about me than she did about most other patients. And that was... really something. I really liked being around her and getting real attention from someone, who didn't think I was a horrible human being 😱 extra super.

And that is something I miss and I kinda feel like.. i ruined her image of me? So, this is embarrassing for me: When I had to leave (back to my parents home, CPS still pretending to care) she called me and I... i really broke down. Worse than ever before and after. I can't tell why. I was crying and couldn't keep myself together etc. So she called my mom who drove me back. But after a weekend (in which that doctor wasn't there) the boss-doctor decided, that I wasted enough of their time and kicked me out again. And that time I kept myself together.

That doctor gave me her email and I mailed her and asked something.. obscure. It was a cry for help but it was just cringe in hindsight. She answered me but I was so ashamed of myself and the stupid message I had written her, that I never answered her back.

No, let's be honest here, so, I was back at home and needed to keep it together so I wrote her, how much I could increase the dose of my antidepressants, to still be safe for me. I was planning to self medicate (and I did). And I was so ashamed because it was half a legit question and half a cry for help but for me it simply sounded like a stupid, childish cry for help. So yeah. That was that.

And I felt like I needed to make some progress because there were some people from psychiatry rooting for me and I didn't want to disappoint them. Half/half. On the one hand, I wanted to come back, worse than ever (to show them, that I was legit sick. I felt somewhat inferior to people with bpd, because I was officially treated as "puberty depression" and they were treated as people who really suffered.) On the other hand, I wanted to make them proud. But reality was, I did neither. I stayed still, until now. I was never allowed to go to therapy, I developed more and more mental illnesses and learned to cope with them, to mask them almost perfectly, I didn't go to college, have no job, so, I am a disappointment.

I didn't leave the house (except school) because I was so afraid to meet one of the people, and make them disappointed in me. But that's another story.

So, I am torn between "never think about psychiatry, makes only flashback and panic attack" and "miss psychiatry. Want to think about it all the time, dive(dissociate) deep into it!". And it is 10 years idk, I am pathetic, that's no secret.

Okay, bye, no need to rush, I'll leave now to calm my anxiety down.

Hi anon,

I am appalled by how you were treated at psychiatry. It always baffles me when people whose job is to literally care for people who are struggling are so incredibly insensitive and neglectful. Part of being in the field of mental health care, especially nursing and psychiatric care, is hospitality, kindness, patience, and compassion. There are unfortunately too many people in these fields that are just so cold, rude, and ignorant, and I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that.

It also makes sense to miss psychiatry. A lot of people miss their trauma in a way, because it's sometimes more predictable than the present. Another reason could be because our trauma can sometimes desensitize us to softer and more gentile things, so we seek out or actively relive traumatic moments just to feel alive. But for you of course, it wasn't 100% bad, there were moments were you felt seen and cared for. It's important to remember that there were good times as well as bad times.

I want to focus on when you said you reached out to that one doctor you liked and that the way you worded your message made you feel like it was stupid and childish. You deserve to have more compassion for your younger self because you were going through a lot, and it made sense to reach out to what may have felt like the only person in your life who truly cared, even if the execution wasn't perfect. You say it was childish, but you were a child. You don't deserve to blame yourself for doing things as a child that you cringe about today, because that was simply your mindset at the time and that's okay.

I think finding a balance between "never think about psychiatry, makes only flashback and panic attack" and "miss psychiatry, want to think about it all the time" simply takes time and healing. A therapist may be able to help you work through both options and coming to a middle ground, as well as other things about your trauma that may need attention.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #trauma details #tw abuse #tw emotional abuse #tw medical abuse #tw child abuse #tw sui #tw sh #tw self harm

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

Okok. I think I can explain how I feel. So like picture u find what u really actually like to do, the thing that feels like work in the sense that it’s hard but rewarding and adds positivity to society. Then ok u spend a lot of time doing that thing, we’ll u sorta had to to understand that this is the thing you feel like u should be doing.. So for me this is studio music, like making music in my house and putting it online. Sewwww I see a lot of ppl doing this as well right, the ones I see are usually successful (cuz u don’t see the ones that aren’t). But like u know it’s possible some ppl get to have an audience that finds them where they like the music, maybe the artist lives off of that but idk how that would happen. Regardless there are ppl who technically do that, tho I guess that involves live shows maybe. So for me I’m constantly in the state of, I found the thing I want to do but I’m dogshit at it. But it’s not like I want to be super proficient at an instrument, or write impossible progressive music, or like idk my goals aren’t that grand at all. I kinda make what I want to make for the most part, maybe I master things slightly shittily, my side point is that loss of ppl make things happen while having the skills and tools adjacent to what I think I have. So idk if that’s the problem. More just like for whatever reason nobody notices me. BUT BUT BUT ok I super hate having to pretend I’m a big deal though. I use to do that when I was in survival mode and I fucking haaaate looking back on my outward facing attitude at that time. It’s not even that bad but it’s just so cringe. In reality I’m not intelligent I’m not THAT cool and I don’t think highly of myself, I guess for the reasons of failing so much. I do not want to be self promotional like I think I’m a big deal, because I’m not and that’s embarrassing, I’m literally just doing my useless skill. Same w visual art, absolutely useless, such a bullshit skill that I have. But if I make something nice that goes on someone’s wall then that’s epic. But sometimes I don’t want to make a nice thing, sometimes what needs to come out it horrible, cuz that’s how I feel I don’t feel good. Because this isn’t a good time, usually I’m not doing what I want to do succesfully. Ok so u find ur thing u should do, u try and try and try, every thing u make ur proud of, then after u make it u think all ur past things are silly and failures, and ur new thing will be different. Or u just resign ur new thing to being bad and that no one will see it and that’s fine. And that’s where im at. Im at, im bad at what I do creatively, and when I do do it im doing it for only me. Which is fine. But I barely get to do it from how tired I am from working and other commitments I have in life. BUT THE THING IS MY ACTUAL PURPOSE. So I spend all my time not doing the thing I should be doing and regardless of if that’s an untruth it feels true to me so it’s bad mentally. Either I completely let go of anything creative and I was never an artist forget about it I don’t even know how to do any of that, or I get this mental torture all the time. And I can’t forget, I’ve done it too long to forget. And there’s no way I can like “live my dream” that’s simply not going to happen. Bro I cannot believe how delusional I was in the past like fake it till u make it steeze.. I just can’t remotely look back at it cuz I’m like oh god did I actually believe I was good. But I had to!!!! I didn’t have any other options like I had to try it. It’s just so embarrassing. Like baseline I’m so average, even if I try to make sure I’m original I’m somehow not, like there’s just no way to be actually good. Or that’s not accessible to me. And having no art or music “career” lol that definitely makes it all worse. Like I can’t help but put all my time in because it’s my thing. But even when I’m trying my absolute best it doesn’t find ppl or there’s no audience or whatever. And that’s kind of on me, like most of that is probably my fault and the quality of what I’m making

[foxstens]

had my first run-in with the janissaries

basically i went through every area i could access to get all the treasure chests i had been avoiding bc they were guarded n stuff. and all of them were easy, like four were in a huge restricted area that literally had two guards lmao, but there’s this one. it’s in a camp, the only camp ive come across in this game, and there’s like 50 guards around it

most of them are janissaries, who are... the most annoying enemy ive come across in this series. like i knew they’d be hard based on their description and what i’ve read about them but holy fuck i did not expect to be this bad at fighting them. they can block or counter or dodge every attack you have, they can either combo-hit you or shoot you, and they take a million years to die bc it’s so hard to find an opening. oh and in this case there’s no way to just fight them one by one. 

they’re also quite resistant to the crossbow and the hidden gun, like a few enemies in this game, and they take like 3 shots form either to die. the only way to one-shot them is via poison or arrow storm. idk how well bombs work since i suck at using them and you can’t snipe them from the roof bc this is a pretty big open camp.

in my panic i ended up calling a few assassins and thankfully none of them died but it was close. taunt doesn’t exist in this game so you can’t disarm them like the papal guards, and apparently the best ways to kill them are via counter steal??? which is pretty complicated and im too slow to use it, or via air assassination which im also too slow for. i dont think they show up in other places but i think there’s a mission involving them and this camp which is. scary. i mean i guess i could go there and just practice them or smth but i feel underleveled for it. id like to get more stuff and more experience with the bombs before i do that

i feel like there isn’t too much to do in this game yet, ive just been running around getting money renovating buildings lowering my awareness rinse and repeat, and also recruiting any troubled citizens i came across. i’ve managed to recruit pretty much everyone that showed up on my map apart from one particular guy because its a race

and races are still fucking impossible jesus fucking christ its not even hard but EZIO JUST JUMPS ALL OVER THE PLACE EVEN WHEN MY FINGERS ARE WORKING CORRECTLY AND ITS SO FUCKING ANNOYING JEHSUGDJUSJDUG 

i am glad i checked it out tho bc there’s a small cutscene before the race starts and holy shit have i mentioned i love ezio. ohhhhhh my god i love ezio in this game. HE’S SO GREAT WHAT THE HECK. like hes always been great but hes so. hes so mature now. hes so calm. i keep saying that but its true g o d. AND HIS VOICE I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW MUCH I LOVE HIS VOICE AND HOW IT CHANGES THROUG HTHE GAMES. 

the combat and movement does feel pretty wonky at times like the secondary weapon just doesnt work sometimes for some reason i cant figure out and it takes a million years to stand up if i happen to fall, which i dont rmr if it was the same in brotherhood bc i never fell, and 99% of the time i just can’t break out of grabs even if i do what the prompt is telling me. its worked twice before and i was doing the exact same thing i always try to do so most of the time i just stand there and get stabbed. 

which is why im still not making the most of the combat system and i prefer using coward strats and killing everything from the rooftops or with the arrow storm. i also still don’t understand how purchasing bombs works, like i had three types of bombs then i bought like 4 from the guy but i ended up only having two?? i think the stuff you buy from him can only take up one slot, so if you buy four types of bombs you’ll end up with the last one you purchased. but it’s not clear which slot they each go into and you also aren’t told what they do unless you go into the database and check it out??? 

roughly half of them seem useless since they can affect civilians or im just never in a situation where they’d be useful, and i feel like using them takes too much thinking and time because half the time i just can’t deploy them when i need to. switching weapons is also so fucking annoying since now have two weapon wheels and i gotta hit a button to switch to the second wheel and /then/ i gotta use the mouse to actually move the arrow to the weapon i want bc rebinding the controls makes the selection skip items. wasnt an issue before whne there was only one wheel but now its annoying bc bombs. also the crossbow is a primary weapon now and i hate. 

still having a great time with the game i just hate the moments when all the issues with the controls make it harder than its supposed to be. im kind of itching for another hidden tomb now eh

#my posts #gameblogging #liveblogging ac #read more #my rambles #my rants #animanga #liveblogging #animeblogging

[reddoesthingsfinally]

I got elf ears >:3

Uhhh so the thing that put us out of commission is over...and the crash after that is over...and now I'm just tired tbh. I feel like I used this as a "hey am I a system?" blog and now that every single answer I've gotten by any system I've asked is "yes" as far as I can recall I don't know what to do with it anymore

Well it's nice to have for venting but I've found I don't have the energy to vent lately lol...I could see if the others want to post art and stuff on here? I know someone did a really awesome piece of art yesterday they might want to share? But other than that idk

Feelings of faking haven't been going away so maybe I can use this as like a...a journal? Of sorts? To keep track of everything and reassure myself? Because my current journal got soaked >.>

Oh, fun thing I've discovered. Brain is highly metaphorical. But I think I knew that already.

So. Yeah. Idk. Hopefully will be in school soon so maybe I can use this to try to keep track of what happened at school (partially so I and others don't forget, partially for comfort because school's stressful)? But that might be too much to put on the internet unless I wanted to be vague about it. Then again I haven't exactly been vague here. Hm. I'm not good at this internet privacy thing, am I?

I've found we have more alters than I'd like to admit. Uh. Which I guess I should've known based on the number of "imaginary friends" I had, but. Still. It's a lot. And every time something new happens I feel like I'm faking and if I tell anyone they're gonna tell me I'm faking or at the very least mistaken and the shred of comfort I have right now is going to just vanish because it was never real in the first place. Dammit. Trying to stop doing that. It's uh...not working very well. But I've been informed it's harmful so I'm trying my best to stop doing that. Trying. I uh...don't know how.

I guess there should be a point to this, huh? Or can it just be useless rambles? Hm...I'll just keep rambling and see where it goes.

Jessica is gonna be a Vampire for Halloween. Which is great for her. She loves Vampires. We found a great dress for her. I think she'll be over the moon when it comes. :) Her birthday's also in 10 days so I feel like I should get her a gift? Even though we share a body? The innerworld is uh...annoying...for me, so it'd probably just be easier to get or make something from outside. Maybe a bat charm. She likes those.

And if she doesn't front imma be an elf. Which is me anyway. But, still. Basically I'll dress up as myself. Getting used to those elf ears, but they're awesome for relieving some of my general dysphoria of existing.

I think there's a couple people that help comfort for sadness and in the dark (I'm scared of the dark for several reasons), so that's nice. :) Though one of them keeps tricking me and it's quite annoying to figure out when void's pranking me or actually telling the truth.

We're hoping to move out this March. Hoping. Hoping so much. Probably not. But hoping.

So I think that's the ramble. Enjoy. Sorry for all...this. Mess. Thing. God, to think this whole thing started because of a little curiosity. I guess it's better to know. But. That doesn't mean I can't kinda wish we could all be separate and just be family instead. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm tired. I'm dramatic. Imma go. Thanks for reading.

[abcdosaka]

driving lesson today. went kinda poorly. everything caught up with me today. sobbed and cried and am still crying for a few hours. i wanted to study today but i didn’t. in fact i want to study now but i have a headache and all i really wanna do is read liar game again lol. im on the musical chairs arc again, def one of my favs. i’m trying to read it in a way that i pay attention to every character, including all the masked characters. its a good experience, rereading it, bc i understand the strategy so much better. the 17-card poker game was a lot more interesting this time around, and i’ve basically read smuggling game 3 times now and understand it very well (i think its my fav arc actually).

my father caught on that i was upset when i got home, same with my mom when she got home. i wish i wasn’t so friendly to them so they’d think i was being normal. mom was ok actually but she always always finds a way to make things about her--she thought i was upset with her because i didn’t say hi or whatever. at least i said what i thought this time around, i told her “don’t feel targeted because it has nothing to do with you, i wish you’d just let me deal with stuff and give me time before i talk about it”. i guess because i didn’t say it in a blaming way she didn’t get too hurt and she finally left me alone. she wants me to open up to her only and i hate it, i’ll never do that. i don’t know why she wants to be best friends so bad. she probably just wants someone to rant and cry to herself.

she does at least offer solutions. she was genuinely trying to help. i’m just sick of myself and sick of everyone else.

dad said something useless, idk why i expected more. i don’t really know what to expect from him tbh, sometimes he says good stuff and sometimes he says stuff that’s batshit insane. i shouldn’t even bother talking to him

i think i should see a therapist. been going back and forth for a while but i just need to do it. mostly can’t wait to leave. at least in waterloo i can be left alone and cope however i like. fuck this, fuck everyone.

[spookynightmareballoon]

I'm honestly feeling really sad and depressed this morning. At first my anxiety was really high because m. got a call from his boss about something work related but then changed his mind. And you could tell he was in a good mood after that. But then his boss calls him back saying that he does need him on a job and then his mood shifted so fast. Our baby was asleep in the room and he turned on the light which made me a little upset and then he got mad at the situation saying I need to do something. Like idk, you could easily use the flashlight from your phone. I went to the couch to cry because I felt like I was useless in that moment. I've been so depressed lately, my drive for anything dies down so quickly. I try to find new things for myself to do but then my thoughts cloud that happy moment and I become sad again... I wish I wasn't like this but I feel alone all the time. I know I have my family and friends online but I don't really know anyone that relates to what I'm going through. I don't have a mother figure in my life I could just call. I always feel like I bother my grandma when I call her or she's always busy. Which hurts because she would always reach out to me but I failed to answer the phone or text back. But now I'm making the effort and it seems weird I guess. Sometimes I have suicidal thoughts. I know I shouldn't because of my kids but I don't feel like I'm the best mother sometimes. I'm mentally unstable and I don't want them to see me like that. But it's not like I can step away to collect myself because they always need me. I really wish I had something going for me. Like a job. Maybe if I had to work for our money like he does, then we possibly could relate on that and become closer again.

I really hate that he's hanging out with his mother so much on a game. I just get jealous because I want to hangout with him but idk, it just sucks being with someone who is close to their mom. Like I wish we could just disperse from everyone and focus on us. Granted he'd say we could still do that and I can have a close relationship with her. But idk, I guess I get jealous because I'm so insecure about myself and she always tries to act like she knows him more than I do. And asks for his help when she can do it herself. I'll never be like that towards my kids if they have a significant other in their life. I'll never be pushy because I actually understand when people need their space and want to do their own thing. I'll always respect my kid's boundaries and won't act intimidating towards their bf/gf at the time. That's one thing I've hated about being apart of this family is that there always this form of intimidation vibe. Or it was such a problem when I didn't really want to socialize amongst them. Idk I come from a really reserved family and plus I have bad anxiety so I'm not going to feel comfortable right away. Sometimes I wish I could leave with my kids. Somewhere far away and I'd have money and my mental health would be great. Very rarely I think that me and m. aren't going to make it in the long run. It's sad but I truly feel that way. Things can be so great some days to then they're just utter shit. And the majority of the time it's my fault because of the way I am. I'm just waiting for the day that he leaves me to be honest. Because I already know he's becoming tired of my bullshit. Maybe he just feels sorry for me and that's why he doesn't leave me yet. I'd feel sorry for me too because I'm just an emotional rollercoaster.. I don't think I'd be with anyone else from that point on. I know he would obviously. I think from now on I'm just going to do my job around here and make sure the house is in order and do my own thing and feel numb throughout this marriage. Because I don't feel like I deserve to feel happy. I should just go on each day pleasing others and not caring about myself that much. My brain and anxiety doesn't allow that for me.

[cheguevaraismydaddy666]

So......it's fun hearing someone who you thought was your best friend say, that he's only staying because we both have abandonment issues. That's...nice. really nice. I like feeling like I'm nothing. Many others have made me feel like I'm worthless. It keeps happening over and over again. In so many ways from basically every male (and also lots of female) person that gets to know me. But I thought he was left. And this was real connection this time. And....yeah idk. Illusions you've had for MONTHS, being shattered is....really something else. I don't even know how to feel right now. I just feel numb and empty but at the same time there's a heavy feeling on my chest. I'm laying here in my bed trying not to cry. Which feels pathetic because I just cried for half an hour in the shower. While he sits there and is basically just pissed at me for being sad. He apologized. But this is not a matter of him saying something mean and offensive about me, that makes me feel bad. This is not something you can apologize for. It wasn't an insult. It's nothing to apologize for. It's simply just drunken truth finally being said. It's too much. I don't know what to do. I need to end my life. I have no value. No worth. And now officially, I'm not good enough at all for ANYONE. Not even the one person I actually believed would stay. He's gonna leave. And then I have nothing. Truly nothing. I fell out with most of my social circle. I'm lonely all the time. Except when he's here. And I believed him, when he said he loved me and how incredibly good I make him feel and how obsessed he is with me and how much he cares and how much he needs me. Turns out he was just....what....being nice? I don't get it. Who knows, maybe he loves me. But he doesn't LIKE me. I've been feeling like that for some time. So I guess it's true. It turns out to be. I asked him what he meant. He couldn't even answer that. Just said he's sorry and I should forget about it. He's sorry for hurting my feelings.....and when I told him what I thought he meant he didn't even try to deny it. Also not confirming it. But if it wasn't true what he said then why couldn't he have said "no". And why did he say it in the first place.... I don't like when he drinks. But I think it helps him to be honest. He never cared as much as he said he did. He doesn't need me. He doesn't want me. He doesn't like me. I thought I finally found a person that I'm not a burden to. But I guess I can't be anything other than what I am. A worthless, useless burden. Fuck. I want to die.

[mokutone]

sasuke

YESSSS! sasuke yelling time.

explanation for the drawing in my answers ajdjanxkajjd

favorite thing about them —despite everything. when he is most himself, he doesn't want to hurt people if he doesn't have to. he can't bear to kill him, he tells team taka that they aren't to kill anyone, he's had an immense amount of trauma done to him, and he knows the weight of it, and if he can avoid doing that to somebody else, it seems he wants to.

least favorite thing about them —uhh my least favorite thing about him is also my least favorite thing about gaara. and a couple other characters in naruto. it's really hard for me to watch kids be in desperate pain and practically begging for help in a situation where nobody seems able or willing to help them. for a lot of sasukes parts in the anime i'm just like averting my eyes lmfao

favorite line —I think I'll pick the most impactful line. Idk if I'd call it my favorite.

you know the bit where kakashi ties sasuke to the tree? absolutely fucking humiliating him and then on top of that, telling him that his quest for revenge, LITERALLY sasuke's fucking ninja way (for all its many many problems!!!!), is useless and meaningless? and how sasuke gets that nasty look on his face and he says: "What if I were to kill the one you love most? How far would you stray from what you just said? I could make you feel true pain." and that line just fucking kills me. i am inconsolable. obviously Kakashi takes it as a threat from a child and brushes it off as one—but it's not! he's quite literally begging for understanding. he's like, if i could just hurt you as much as i've been hurt, maybe you would understand me! maybe this is the only way anyone could ever understand me! maybe then you wouldn't tell me how useless and stupid this one thing, the thing which i have built my life around, is!!! but kakashi doesn't give him that. lol. kakashi's like "well there's no way i'd ever be in that situation bc i there's nobody left who matters to me ,^)" like. great job dude. you had the witty comeback against the child. also told him that you do not care about him or his friends at all. you won the trauma game. congratulations. your prize is unfortunately dealing with your guilt complex around this for the next 6 years when you have to go to war against him. jesus fucking christ. Sasuke was trying. he was fucking trying! despite everything, he was trying, with the one adult he trusted enough to even ATTEMPT explaining himself to. ugh. whatever. i'm normal and i have normal feelings about things. i'm normal. i'm so fucking normal. jesus christ.

brOTP —this is unhinged for me, bc i normally answer these based on characters canon relationships, but i am so fucking desperate for yamato to interact with sasuke. i want it so bad. i have so many ideas. i think that yamato would be very useful to sasuke in his recovery. i hate kishimoto and i hate knowing that this will never happen.

OTP —i don't really care about this kind of thing! naruto, i guess, because naruto is the person sasuke seems to care the most about thruout the course of the narrative, and also because my best friend wuvs them

nOTP —i don't really care about this kind of thing. sakura, maybe. it doesn't really matter to me.

random headcanon —his life skills are atrocious and everyone in his close circle of companions is worried about him when he returns to konoha. Yamato starts giving him cooking lessons (Yamato is also an amateur at this. theyre both learning),

which are unfortunately the trigger for minor and unnoticeable but very regular panic attacks for Sasuke. He's like, having a very hard time believing that anyone could really forgive him, and his ONLY interaction with yamato before this was literally jamming a sword through his shoulder joint and running straight electricity through it. Why would Yamato, who didn't even know him before he ran off, forgive him for that? What does Yamato get out of this situation? When does Yamato reprimand him for the pain he caused? When does the other boot drop? When does he find out what this is all about?

This goes on, increasing Sasuke's tension slowly and steadily until Yamato accidentally triggers a major panic attack (he drops a pot, and Sasuke is so wound up at this point that the sudden metal clang itself is enough to put Sasuke right over the fucking edge) and suddenly it all comes into focus for Yamato, who realizes "oh, this kid isn't just unnaturally stiff all the time, he's actually scared shitless of me, and was only putting up with these cooking lessons because he clearly feared the repercussions of saying he didn't want to, to somebody so embedded in his social circle. fuck."

Trying to make this better, he then takes to inviting Naruto over so that Sasuke has a little bit of a social buffer between him and Yamato. Eventually all of team kakashi + team seven is trying to fit into Yamato's tiny jōnin apartment weekly for free food and entertainment (the entertainment is teasing each other).

unpopular opinion —i like him? and i don't think he's over dramatic. i think he's a fairly realistically written character (up until the end i guess stuff gets weird there) because he's mostly a reactive one, and Kishimoto excels at writing little traumatized guys having intense reactions to things. It's what he likes to do and hes pretty good at it.

song i associate with them —Baby, I'm an Anarchist by Against Me! solely for this line.

No, I won't take your hand And marry the State.

like. skdghskdghsdjhgsdhjgsdjhg

favorite picture of them

i literally use this all the time. i think things should be easier. i would like for sasuke to be able to pick up that glass of water.

#yamswers #anonymous #f1ghtingdreamer #hehehehehe #sasuke uchiha