#but no no no there's much to think about here i'm unpacking the fucking layers i can feel my mind peeling like an onion

[coldbycrossfade]

MAN THAT REALLY COLORS THIS RESPONSE IN THIS CONVERSATION SO DIFFERENTLY FOR ME

#bg3 #like here my silly ass that doesn't know shit was thinking 'wow i'm actually surprised he's pretty chill with this' #JOKES ON ME I'M BOOBOO THE FOOL #IT'S P R O B A B L Y MORE LIKELY THAT HE JUST ASSUMES IT WON'T LAST AND HE HAS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT #WOW............DAMN............GOT ME #CAUGHT ME SLIPPIN CAUSE I AM A LORE NOVICE HERE.................................... #like SURE you could ASSUME that astarion would be flippant about having multiple partners like why wouldn't the flirty one be that way righ #but no no no there's much to think about here i'm unpacking the fucking layers i can feel my mind peeling like an onion #woag mama #i'm not articulate today b/c brain fog but i hope that made any sense #and hey maybe I'M even making assumptions but calling it a 'harmless affair' just.....that hits different #astarion

[mausinly]

Soap MacTavish x fem!curvy!militarynurse!reader who’s secretly insecure about her body and thinks that Soap is only interested in her to get in her pants or it’s a prank but he comforts her and proves that she’s wrong and how much he genuinely loves her and that he’s been obsessed with her since she was moved to 141’s base?

Never Far From You

John "Soap" MacTavish x reader

Sorry this isn't exactly what you asked for, nonnie, but just know I am already attached to this reader and I will be slowburning this prompt. This story is getting unpacked layer by layer. I know you specified Nurses body type but it's never mentioned in this part. I couldn't find a way to casually fit it in with the idea I had but I will make it the forefront of another piece, don't you worry :]

This is also my submission for @glitterypirateduck and their Soap It Up challenge.

Prompt 2: "Do I make you nervous?"

Prompt 14: "I've been looking for you."

You haven't had to look around corners to check if the coast was clear since high school. It makes you feel childish. Makes you feel like a helpless teenager trying to avoid the prettier girls that whisper and leer when you walk past. You're too old to feel like that.

You don't know if you should be grateful you're not hiding from bullies or be more fearful of the person that's really chasing you.

You don't think you've ever been chased like this before. The girls in the halls never sought you out, and the boys that did only followed to continue jabbing at you as you tried to walk away.

No, this is much different. Too different. You don't know what to do with yourself.

Another nurse told you earlier that someone was looking for you. She gave a knowing smirk, telling you who with a teasing, sing-songy voice.

"Soap MacTavish." She grinned, leaning over the front desk, resting her chin on her hand.

You don't know why everyone thinks you like him. No. No, actually, you know exactly why. He won't leave you alone.

You left one of your patients room—a poor sap going by "Wick" that caught the nasty end of a bayonet—down a few halls to the nearest storage room. You stop before turning the corner, a suspicious feeling bubbling in your gut.

You peek over the corner, met with the rest of the long, bland hallway. He's not here. You don't like the feeling that replaces the suspicion. It's a sinking sensation.

This whole ordeal is eating at you. You know he's around somewhere. Unless he gave up after a while. Took him long enough, in your opinion. Part of you wants to run into him, though, just to get it over with and tell him to fuck off so you don't have to worry about it.

You straighten up again, pulling away from the corner and letting out a heavy sigh.

"So, who're we hiding from?" A horrifyingly familiar Scottish accent said from behind you, low and husky and almost a whisper.

You yelp and whip around to look at him, jumping back a little. Your feet scream to run, but you realize how ridiculous that is. You're an adult, you don't need to run, you're not in real danger.

The way he looks at you is dangerous, though. His eyes are lidded, relaxed as they take you in like he could do it all day. Those striking blues drag up and down your body, landing back at your eyes with such intensity that it makes you want to shy away.

He's so casual it infuriates you. He's just leaning against the wall beside you, arms crossed as he waits for your reply.

"I'm not hiding." You brush him off, tearing your eyes away from him and turning to walk away.

You pause, though, when he lets out a little huff of a laugh, almost a scoff. "Sure." He replied, not sounding all too convinced.

You look over your shoulder to glare at him but he only flashes you one of his little grins, eyes lit up with amusement and brows raised.

A real scoff leaves your own lips and you turn away again and continue down the hall. You suppress the urge to groan aloud when you hear heavy footfalls behind you as the Scot gives chase.

"I've been looking for you." He said, walking only a step behind you.

"That so?" You hum, trying to sound uninterested. Your tone doesn't sway him, it never does.

"Mhm, just asked the lass at the front where they keep the bonnie nurses and figured I'd find you around." He replied easily, and you don't have to look at him to know he's got that smirk on his face.

You hum again, not sure how else to respond. He follows you like a lost dog through the hallways until you reached the storage room. You open the door just enough to slip inside and much to your distain, Soap follows in suit, making a show of opening the door wide and waltzing in like he owns the place.

The storage room is fairly large, filled with rows of files and medications and equipment all broken off into different sections. You wind through the isles and try not to think too hard about Soap's heavy footfalls behind you. It makes you uneasy, fluttery in a way you don't want to think about. You feel like you're being hunted, like a little bunny that pops it's head up at the smallest branch snapping, unaware of the beast lurking just behind the foliage.

You stop walking and quickly turn to him, making him halt in front of you so easily that you think he was expecting it. You don't like that. You're not predictable, damn it!

"Do you need something?" You ask with exasperation, pumping up the attitude and irritation in hopes it scares him off.

You think it works for a second when his smile falters a bit and he has the decency to look a bit surprised by your outburst, but that hope immediately dies when he ducks his head down with a small chuckle that makes your stomach flip. He pulls one of his hands from his pocket and leans his arm on the shelf beside you.

He leans forward just a bit, those overwhelming blues flickering back up to you. "Does there need to be a reason?" He flashes you a lopsided, boyish smile and you feel like the ground is giving away under you.

"You always have a reason." You shoot back, cringing at the way your voice falters.

He notices, eyes looking back and forth between yours as his brows raise a little. "That I do." He replies, voice softer than before.

Soap takes a step closer, back straightening a bit in a way that makes you feel small in comparison. You straighten your back as well, taking a breath that comes in shakier than you wanted. Your attempt at coolness and defiance shatters when his other hand slips from his front pocket and slowly lifts towards you.

He's tentative, eyes holding yours and god, you can't look away. His hand lands on the side of your neck, fingers tenderly ghosting over your skin to see if you flinch away. You don't. You want to. You want to slap his hand away. You want to claw and sink your teeth into him so he'll scurry away with his tail between his legs.

But that won't happen. He'll just drag his way to your exam room and whine until you wrap him up, ask you to kiss it better. You almost want to.

The pads of his fingers drag up your neck and across your cheek. His palm is warm against your jaw and you're frustratingly pliant when he tilts your head. His eyes fall and you swallow when his thumb slowly traces your bottom lip.

"Do I make you nervous, hen?" His voice drops about an octave, low and just above a whisper. His eyes flit up to yours and you're halfway through your brain rebooting when you realize he's waiting for a response.

He isn't, really. He just wants to watch you try.

"No." You manage, a small murmur that in no way can be convincing.

He lets out a soft hum, head slowly tilting as he observes you. You feel like he's picking you apart, piece by piece. Pulling back your hardened shell to watch your innermost workings as they turn and click.

His thumb presses down on your bottom lip, tugging it down a little and he can feel the muted gasp you take. He leans heavier on the shelf beside the both of you and his hand drops away from you. A long, almost pained groan rips from his throat and he pulls back to run his fingers through his mohawk and tug at the strands. He drags his hand over his face and peeks at you through his fingers.

His eyes are narrow and hungry before he tears his eyes away again, waving you off. "Bah. Go get what you were looking for, I'll be finding you later."

You try not to sigh too audibly as you take a few steps back, your body visibly untensing as you put a bit of distance between you two. "Right, see ya." You say, a little clipped before turning on your heel and walking away.

Soaps eyes follow you until you turn a corner and step out of his line of sight, the back of his head falling back against one of the shelves with a thump. Run, little bunny. You're lucky he likes a chase.

#maus writes #call of duty x reader #cod x reader #cod #soap x reader #john soap mctavish x reader #soap mactavish x reader #so thankful that glitterypirateduck extended the deadline bc motivation was kicking my ass and it gave me just enough time to finish this 🙏 #i blame ghouljams for making me love soap with darlings who dont want him #i wanna see him work for it and im a sucker for flustered stubborn mcs

[bellysoupset]

"So what do you think?" Vince asked in a rasp, sitting down on the shitty couch and grimacing. The flu had taken a toll on him and even though he felt much better, all the moving around and loading and unloading of boxes hadn't helped.

There was still so much in the car, but Vince didn't have it in him to finish unpacking. His father would come over the next day and he could help.

"I like it..." Wendy mumbled, wringing her hands together.

When Vince had told her the plan was never to move in with his parents —  in truth he wasn't sure how she had even assumed that since he had asked her to move with him as well — Wendy had looked about ready to cry.

The same distraught, heartbroken look she had displayed on her face that very moment, walking around the tiny apartment Vince had rented near the school he'd be starting at the next day.

"Are you sure? Because you look like you think this place is haunted," Vince teased her lightly, rubbing his chest. All the heaving and puking from three days before had left him with a perpetually sore abdomen, his lungs aching.

"No, I like it, it's-" Wendy breathed in, pulled on her corset top in order to collect herself and brushed some imaginary dust off, "it's cute. Could use a fresh layer of paint," she regained some of her usual sass and Vince smiled at the clearly forced attitude.

He got up from the couch, wrapping his arms around her from behind and squeezing his girlfriend. Wendy stiffened up for a second, before melting against him, shoulders dropping.

"I fucking hate that you're leaving," she whined, fingers closing around his wrist and keeping him hugging her, "I fucking hate this place and I hate that I- I want to move here, but I-"

Vince pressed his lips to her temple, bending down in order to kiss her cheek, "no, you don't. It's only going to be a year, honey."

"A year, right," Wendy sighed, looking all sorts of defeated, "a year until we break up."

"A year for us to try long distance," Vince corrected, ignoring the way his heart squeezed at her words. He had no plans of breaking up, but the fact that Wendy kept bringing it up as if it was a fact didn't help in the least to reassure him she wouldn't break things off, "then if it doesn't work, we'll think of something else."

"We're only delaying the inevitable," Wendy mumbled, nails digging in his arm and he let out a sigh, kissing her temple again.

"We are not breaking up," he promised her, "not unless you dump me," it was meant to be a joke, but he was genuinely scared of it and it came out as a question.

Wendy let out a scoff and he could almost hear her rolling her eyes. Vince squeezed her a little tighter, "honey, my parents did long distance when in college and look at them," he said, trying to sound optimistic, "practically hired actors for a margarine ad."

She let out a little watery chuckle at that and nodded, "I know... I know, you're right..." Wendy leaned back, then wrinkled her nose in distaste, "but really, this apartment is so ugly."

Vince let out his first real laugh, deep in his chest and rumbling against her back. Wendy smiled, eyes stinging at the fact she would no longer wake up every morning feeling him all but purr with soft snores, the exact same vibration she was feeling right now.

"Yeah, it's lacking some pink, don't you think?" he teased her, planting a kiss on her neck, "and some glitter."

She rolled her eyes, "I'm not sure about glitter for your little bachelor pad-"

"I'm happily taken," Vince scoffed, his voice muffled by her hair, breath brushing her ear, "stay the night?"

She knew what he was doing, trying to distract her with sex, the issue was... It was working. Wendy turned on his arms, shaking her head, "I can't, I have work tomorrow morning. But I'm gonna see you Friday and you're going to call me tomorrow night, right?"

He nodded, "yeah, probably during lunch as well-" Vince bumped his nose with hers, bending nearly in half to kiss her and wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling Wendy off her feet.

This was so unfair, Wendy thought viciously, as Vince's hands dropped from her waist to her ass and she locked her legs around his torso, them stumbling back and falling on the cheap couch.

The furniture let out a groan under their weight and Vince muffled a chuckle against her mouth, feverish kisses dragging down her lips, her jaw, her neck-

"I really have to leave," she groaned, pushing him back. Vince let out a sigh, resting his forehead to her chest, since she had some height sitting on his lap.

"Alright, alright..." he planted a kiss the exposed skin, "text me when you get home?"

"Okay," Wendy nodded, before stealing another peck, "use the red shirt tomorrow, it fits really well."

"Yes, ma'am," Vince kissed her again and it took Wendy all of her self control to pull back, pushing him away. He walked her back to her car and it took them at least another handful of kisses, before Wendy found strength enough to hit the road.

She meant to go home, but just the thought of her empty apartment made her shudder and the knot in her chest get even tighter. Wendy parked the car in front of Jonah's building and quickly shot him a text, as well as letting Vince know she was home safe. A little lie he didn't need to know.

Jonah was wearing his olive silk pajamas set when he opened the door, looking super sleepy.

"Dee, what-"

"I can't sleep in my house tonight," she pouted and Jon's frown cleared up immediately. Her wordlessly stepped aside from the door and Wendy entered, noticing most of the lights were off. She had no idea what time it was, but it had already been nearly ten when she left Doveport.

"C'mere," Jonah sighed, wrapping her up in a hug and Wendy squeezed her eyes shut, sinking into his arms. He was warm, clearly taken out of bed.

Her eyes burned, stinging with tears, throat aching as she was doing her best not to cry. Jonah's chin pressed on the top of her head, "it'll pass," he whispered, "you're alright, I got you."

"Can I stay?"

"I'm not kicking you out at 2 AM," He scoffed, squeezing her a little tighter, "c'mon."

Wendy didn't say a thing as Jonah guided her further into the apartment and she didn't even register when they passed by the guest room. It only downed on her once they entered the master suite and she saw Leo curled up on his side, with JD happily asleep against his stomach.

She frowned, but Jonah simply yawned and slipped under the blankets on his side of the bed, lifting the covers as a wordless invitation.

Wendy chewed on her lip, but it was an empty gesture. She needed this, to be wrapped up and squeezed until her heart glued back together and she could be her powerful self in the morning.

She kicked off her shoes and crawled on the bed, taking half of Jon's pillow. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close, yawning.

"Thank you," Wendy whispered, cuddling as close as she could and closing her eyes.

"Anytime, darling," Jonah yawned in return.

#mywriting #emotional whump #brotp #this is simply for MY benefit #wendy marshall #and also bc i needed to write Vin's departure in order to move on w/ my fics #bed sharing

[gelataisa]

I'm not delusional, right? When I read other people's thoughts about Squalo and xanxus's ship, they say that it is not real 🫠, and if it was real , it would be one-sided, which are Squalo's feelings🥲, and it is just a relationship between Boss and his captain, who admires his ambition, but I feel that it is illogical if that is the case? There is something beautiful, but they ruin it, but if what is between them is not real, especially xanxus’s feelings for Squalo, this will not become beautiful, but rather a nightmare. Squalo’s interest is clear, but xanxus does not, and this is what makes me not sleep, and what do you think about xanxus’s feelings for Squalo? I don't want to be delusional lol.

I want something that eliminates my doubts so I can live in peace😔helppp

My dearest anon, finally I have the time to answer you. This ask has not left my mind since you sent it, im sorry it took so long.

At the same time though, I am glad it took so long cause i can answer you calmly.

Your ask really angered me. And dont get the wrong idea, none of that anger was directed at you.

There are many layers of wrong in what you reported on your ask, and i'll try to adress them properly. Under the cut cause its gonna be long (and i hope i wont bore you) - i will answer your direct question in the last point, in case you want to go straight to the point. But for real, there is much to unpack here.

We have people bashing you for a ship that you really like, to the point you think that you are delusional. And that is fucking nuts. Every ship is legit. Every single crack pair and rare pair is legit. Cause we are all losers who spend their time thinking about puppets kissing. There is no higher ground to stand on. And this applies to ships that we see no fucking point in as well. And i am not saying this as a person that loves any ship. I am the pickiest shipper ever. And i am not a good person either, there are many ships which i loathe. Yet, i have the decency not to go to the people who ship such ships. If i complain it is privately and with the right people. If i dont like a thing i block (and i have blocked people because of what they ship). Everyone has the right to see only the stuff they want. No one has the right to make others feel bad for the stuff they like.

Personally, i firmly believe that there are ships and ships. And I hope i was not too italian saying that. the point is: i think some ships are basically written in the source material. That is to say, regardless of whether you pair the people romantically or not, the dynamic is deep, complex and (especially) apparent. You dont need to add much of your own to make it work. Other ships, on the other hand, need more work to be "justified", to gain substance. They may require filling in a lot of gaps, or looking at details scattered in the story. Now, both kind of ships have their own dignity (as per point 1), we dont get to choose the things we like. Still, i believe that at the same time we allow anyone to enjoy their thing while we enjoy ours, we need to also realise that some ships have more substance in the source material than others.

I know that the first two points may seem unrelated to what you asked, but i needed them for now. ive heard many the complains you have mentioned in your ask. and they angered me particularly cause usually they are brought up by people that try bring forward their own ships, and that know to do so only by bringing "competitor" ships down. I know you have not explicitly said so, but i believe its whats going on in this case, and it makes me incredibly angry and - honestly - sad. I believe that people that do this realise their ships are not as solid as XS (or some other ship) is (back to point 2), so they bash on it to advance their own. This is what angers me. Now, what makes me sad is that while doing this they also terribly mischaracterise the characters to the point they are not themselves anymore. Indeed, what a pity

Now, about XS: most of what i think of them i have said here. And about Xanxus, as you asked... one thing is clear: people that say that he does not care about Squalo have not spared one thought for him. And if they have, I am sorry, but they have not understood a thing about him. Xanxus is a very complex character. His most apparent trait, once you read the manga, is that his actions most of the times dont reflect his thoughts. and what he thinks is masked, and very well so. he was raised with the pressure of expectations, and hardened a lot because of it. he wasnt allowed to show any weakness, or maybe it was just himself who got convinced of it. but any feeling he has, apart from his anger, he suppresses. it took him one whole arc to express his motivations (and i dont even remember how much of his past was revealed to the cast) and to show emotional weakness. it took him 10+ years to defend his family and show he cares, and even then, he still didnt admit that he accepted Tsuna as tenth. after 10 years. How could anyone expect him to show love for someone? Or that he cares for anyone? That is the only gap you need to fill in XS, a gap named "Xanxus Vongola and his multiple issues".

To conclude, my dearest anon... you are right to say that there is something beautiful. Dont let anyone ruin it for you. And especially, surround yourself with people who share your interests and dont even look at those that try to bring you down instead. You deserve better than that.

And i know im not the best one in interactions, whether it is answering asks or messages or else (thanks anxiety and constant exhaustion) but i truly am glad when people interact about xs. You are more than welcome in my inbox, or if youll ever want to add to my posts and reblogs. to build a xs community is my dream on here, i hope ill have the energy to do so

#this took way to long and i got derailed as well #one day ill make a good post about X->S #but i will need references to make it well #this will suffice for now #btw if anyone wants to build the community while i sort my shit out #please go ahead ill gladly join #gegeask #XS #xanxus squalo #xanxus #squalo superbi

[lutawolf]

Never Let Me Go, Episode 9-10

Yup, that's right. I waited for episode 10 to come out before watching 9. I don't feel bad about it, either. Cause damn, I saw all the gifs, and I was not here for it.

Ahhh. The way Palm says, "Don’t underestimate my love. I don’t know if Mr. Nueng and I will be together in the future. But right now, The feelings and memories that I share with him, They will always remain with me." This is so important to me. We discount young people's feelings too often. Age is important and should always be taken into consideration, but individuals should be looked at individually. Palm has had to shoulder a lot of responsibility for a very long time. He is the type to make a decision and stick to it. He's solid and steady. "To be honest, I don’t know what the future holds for us. But my feelings will remain unchanged."

Nueng is the opposite. Just look at how he is when Palm is stressed. He was desperately looking for love. He doesn't think things completely through. Carries a much more immature look at life. It would almost seem that they aren't a good match. Oh, but they are. A flighty person can be stabilized by someone like Palm, they'll become the wild geese that mate forever because they just need someone to latch their feelings to. And Palm needs someone like Nueng to lighten the weight that he willingly carries. Hence, the next scene where he makes him smile. Palm, for all his shyness, adores it.

I love that Nueng can read Palm so well. That's something a good Dom should absolutely be able to do. No joke, Nueng just Dominated in a way that a lot of females will dominate their male submissives. It's a playful, but I will get my way, type of way. It's a soft Dom move.

"Why did you get a tattoo of my name?" "I want you to stay with me forever." In my belief system, there are kindred spirits and soulmates. Kindred spirits are those friends that journey through lifetimes with you. We get matching tattoos or tattoos with those people in mind, in order to make sure that we meet in each life. I actually have plans on getting a coconuts tattoo. A soulmate tattoo makes sure you and your soulmate are together forever, like the red thread. That's what this feels like. A soulmate tattoo. The shoulder kiss is everything!

Oh yeah, he is binding them as soulmates. No getting away for you Nueng. Palm being so fucking romantic. Where do I find me a romantic like Palm???

So now they are going back. For Palm's dad. The skin to skin contact for both their comfort. Nueng talks in circles around his fears, but Palm understands him.

"I’m glad that you come to live with me. I’m glad that I have the chance to be your mom, even for only a couple of weeks. Your dad raised you well. I’m sorry that I have never taken care of you." She's not a horrible person. Just not the best. It sucks that she died, but I'm really glad Nueng got that closer.

Oh, shit. There is so much to unpack in this one scene. One is in pain and is absolutely not used to someone being there when he is breaking. So he lashes out. He's a wounded and went away to lick his wounds and doesn't want to be seen. Then he realizes who he has lashed out to. This is his other half, and he immediately regrets, but Nueng does come from a loving family. This is not something you would do if you love another person. The push away in his head is full rejection.

For him, it's like Palm is saying it's his fault. Lots and lots of layers here. Guilt, rejection, and fear that the one he loves will die just like his dad and Palm's mom. "When we are together, something bad always happens. You and I, we shouldn’t be together." "Don’t ever come to see me again. Otherwise, you may end up dead."

That last part. You can see it click in Palm's head what is really bothering Nueng. Now, just because a sub is subby sub doesn't mean they won't fight for what they want. They like being told what to do, but a Dom is their everything, they will absolutely fight for them. Again, I would lean towards Nueng being a switch or soft Dom, but Palm is for sure a subby sub.

If I didn't know from all the spoilers, I would know from how Nueng is acting that he plans on leaving. He has a fake attitude but sad smile whenever Palm isn't looking. Nueng can read Palm, but Palm hasn't learned to read Nueng.

Song from the dance scene. One kisses to say goodbye, and the other kisses because he's never had someone be there. "What would your life be like if you didn’t meet me?" "I guess I would be working on a boat somewhere. I would spend my day catching fish." In Nueng's head, that sounds perfect, so he can't believe Palm when he says, "My life would be very boring. I think it’s a good thing that I met you." That's why he says. "But I imagine your life differently. I think your life would be happier. You might be taking an exam to get into a university. You might be an athlete." and he goes on, because in his head, Palm is with him out of duty. He's putting himself in a place to get hurt out of duty, and Nueng can't handle that.

"But everything that you said, I can do that with you." Nueng's face is breaking me.

Ep 10

"Before you lose everything." "But I still have you."

Both of them trying to protect the other one. Same goal, but they can't achieve it in the same way. Nueng has matured so much in such a short time. "Don’t choose me to be the goal of your life. I still want to see you follow your dream." Um… Who gets in a bath tub with boxers, and just how big is that tub? Ahh... It was a flashback.

Nueng pouring his heart out to his mom is killing me. I'm not crying. Your crying! Ahhh fuck! Now I'm really crying. His jersey. Really. I'm not fucking okay. Now sentimental and romantic flashbacks. Just leave me in a puddle here because of melted into tears.

The river told me lies! OMG, this song kills me.

And Nueng has hardened. He already had his innocents stripped with his dad, but everything that has happened since. It's changed him. Too many people have hurt him and he needs that wall to survive. He's seen what real friendship and love is, and if people want to get next to him, they are going to have to prove capable of that level. I'm the same damn way, so I respect this.

That boy didn't learn shit Nueng.

These flashbacks are killing me! "You plan on having fun without me. Then I won't teach you." Yup, Nueng is a soft Dom. They are so fucking cute.

I like these bodyguards. Yes I do. They are like, do I look like I give a fuck that this is the music room. What Nueng said might be harsh, but it's fucking fair. Just because I don't want you to eat at my table doesn't mean that I want you to starve. It just means that you've done enough to me that I don't want you at my table. Now I'm a big believer in not forgiving people but just moving on. I'll forgive those that have made it through the wall, but I don't feel the need to forgive someone who betrays me. I don't hate them because hating isn't worth it. It only hurts you, and the people you hate don't care.

Yeah, did you really think that he would leave you? As long as you love him, he'll be there. "But you are my life."

"Is this how you treat people? The time that we shared together. The things that we did together. Do they mean nothing to you?" "They mean a lot to me. Believe me. It was the best time of my life. So I want to treasure it. I want you to stay alive and be happy."

"I won’t let you run away from me again. From now on, if we are going to fight, We will fight together. If we are going to die, We will die together." Those are some solid vows. And look at the soft Dom forcing a promise from the subby sub. "You can wear your boyfriend’s clothes." Fuck, I'm not surviving this show.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, all these vows are going to kill me!!! And the way he pulls him to him. Damn.

The next episode is gonna be another tough one. Ugh. But this one. This one was so good. Hope you guys enjoyed! 💜💜💜

#never let me go series #never let me go #palm and nueng #luta talks never let me go #Youtube

[honeyhotteoks]

It’s the beginning of the comfort arc we’ve all been eagerly anticipating and it delivered more than I could have ever imagined fuck! I have so much to say BUT FIRST thank you for sharing your writing with the world it literally is amazing through and through - so carefully and beautifully crafted - and every update makes my day/night <3

Big thing for me in the last few chps is i appreciate so much how you tackle themes that mirror real life. It's in a way that’s nuanced and really makes me feel really :(( - but in a good way - in a way that makes me and i'm sure many others feel seen on so many levels. Like:

(1) Hwa in chp 10 mirroring the experience of not being accepted by family as a queer person - but also, tell me if im going too deep into this - but there’s an intersection of identities that you unpack - of class identity (i.e. Hwa’s need for career security which he was leaning on his family for) converging with his family’s expectation of heteronormativity - which meant that back then, Hwa’s relationship with San couldn’t coexist with him pursuing his passion. Like that’s a very real thing for so many people and a pretty complicated thing to explore but you expressed it in a natural way that feels very validating.

And then (2) in chp 12 Woo illuminating the experience of being a minority - when he says ‘fucking alphas’ when yunho is like ‘our girl’ - like as much as I love that possessive/intense caring vibe, woo is so fucking FAIR!!! Like that entitlement (altho obvs for yungi we know it's different) is such male behavior and I’ve KNOWN that rage woo feels, that ‘ugh alphas’ feeling is one I and I’m certain many others have felt in the context of living in an IRL patriarchy and idk… the fact that you can write that experience in a way that hits that hard, succinctly with subtlety AND clarity - damn you’re so good and I hope you know you’ve done these experiences so much justice in your writing.

But anyway on another less #deep note (lol): the ‘yeah baby?’, the ‘can I put you down sweetheart?’, the searching eyes, the cautious but caring touches, the tender kisses (p.s. I died when yunho started licking her neck omg why would you do this to us) - JESUS it’s too much for me to handle but I need it like I need air so THANK YOU. Now that yungi and mc are in the very same intimate space, that very same apartment, that very same bed that yungi/mc all began, I'm on my tippy toes patiently awaiting a new and ~soft~ dynamic.

So happy to hear you’re excited about writing again and once again, AMAZING JUICE!!

-Cloud ☁️ xxx

CLOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! your comment literally just hit me straight in the heart as always, thank you so much.

to answer/comment on some of what you said.... yes absolutely to your comments on chapter 10. i obviously don't know too much about the member's actual upbringings or family finances.... but i certainly see a particular type of small town/working class energy from san. he projects a bit of life confidence and surety that personally informs a lot of how i write him. to me it felt natural to contrast that with seonghwa here and add an extra layer of tension to their relationship. i think for san, being rejected because of money was a hard line in the sand for him..... but that's also his own prejudices and life experience at play. i'm excited to work more with them in future chapters and expand on this.

also chap 12 like..... YESSSSS - the thing that i always love about a/b/o is that you get to play with that possessiveness to the nth degree and when you fold in elements around claims and bonds it gets even crazier. yunho and mingi have this very sure feeling that reader is theirs ....and yes, that's somewhat true just like they are hers......... but that doesn't mean that she (and omegas by extension) are just property. i really wanted to write the arc with minseok so that later on when all the happy endings happen, reader's autonomy is obvious, it's clear that it's her agency and her choice. so thank you as always for catching those moments.

on your last comment.......................there is SO much more comfort yungi coming i can't even tell you. i'm a serious sucker for hurt/comfort arcs as a reader and writer, and i just seriously believe that people who go through hard things like this deserve a person who can be there and hold them like they need to be held. it's truly my favorite thing to write as a romantic bitch 😭 so yeah get ready..... yunho and mingi are shifting into patient, loving, kind, and tender mode before things get back to hot and heavy

thank you as always, your comments bring me so much joy 💗

#answered anon #☁️ anon #tnt ask

[weezly14]

Hey Weezly, wondered about your thoughts on EP 9 of TCR. Tough one to watch, at least for me anyway. Thanks!

Hi there. You may regret asking for my thoughts.

Let me preface this by saying that I came into this show wanting to like it. I think Tom Holland is a great actor, and the source material was interesting, and I was curious to see what they'd do with it - especially once it became clear they were going the "inspired by" route rather than an adaptation of the Billy Milligan book.

That being said, I think episode 9 is when we start seeing the plot really get going, and, as a result, see just how poorly constructed it is. Episode 9 laid bare all the flaws and issues I could ignore in previous episodes. I'm going to watch the last episode because I've invested all this time already, but I liked this show a lot more before I watched this episode.

Here's a brief bullet-pointed list of some of my issues with it:

i hate this courtroom drama angle. a) that's not how trial works and b) why the fuck are we having a trial in the first place. Is he not pleading guilty? The trial just makes it clear how convoluted and contrived the case is - a shooting that injured but did not kill - and I know we were given the heads up that the defense lawyer isn't a good trial lawyer 2 episodes ago or something, but god, I could've represented Danny better. And the prosecutor gave a great performance except I cannot imagine a judge allowing half the shit he did. Also, again, the defense lawyer? Didn't cross-examine Marlin? wtf

the racial and sexual politics of this show are all the fuck over the place, and I could sort of let it slide but nope, now I've gotta call it out. 1) the prosecutor has been so clearly and completely painted as The Bad Guy so she's an easy target for abuse from viewers because she's being mean to our protagonist, and the fact that she (and the judge, who I assume will give Danny a harsh sentence next week - because the jury decides the verdict but the judge decides the sentence) is black and Danny is white? Feels some kind of way. 2) Angelo on the stand? This is a drug dealer, why would he show up? Further on Angelo - in like a 10 second scene last week we saw that Jonny-Danny had apparently a sexual relationship with him which makes the trying to get a gun scene hit so different. There's so much to unpack here. And yet. 3) Jerome. So, like most of the actors on this show, he's given a great performance. He and Tom have had some great scenes. But a) the amount of emotional labor this black character has done for the white character he barely knows is vaguely upsetting, b) when we're first introduced to Jerome via Ariana it doesn't come across as Great Love (sure we can debate this but I digress) but as soon as he seeks out Danny in prison and on the stand we get that narrative of practically Soulmates, c) this show purports to take place in the 70s - not a great time to be gay! To say nothing of the extra layer of race. Stonewall was 1969, dudes. On the one hand, super glad we're not having to listen to slurs. On the other, how is seemingly everyone barely blinking at Danny having a female alter or at the very least, if they don't accept the idea of alters, cross-dressing and fucking dudes? The prosecutor tries to prove that Jerome and Danny/Ariana weren't a couple because they never interactied outside the club - I'm sorry, it's the 1970s. Again, there is so much to unpack here re: Jerome as both a black man and a gay man and! We are getting! Nothing!

I liked Rya well enough but this episode she really grated on me? Her monologues felt preachy and patronizing.

Candy. So, one of the things I've come back to over and over is - we know Marlin abused Danny, and now we're to believe that Candy, on some level, knew. We also know that she married Marlin and theoretically stayed with him for financial reasons. Financial abuse is real, I'm not discounting that. But aside from being a dick, we don't really see Candy and Marlin's relationship as terribly abusive. She's so deferential to him, and yet we never see why, what has her so scared of him. She has a job! Her child is out of the house! Her characterization has been nearly nonexistent and it's frustrating.

So after struggling with undiagnosed MPD/DID for his entire life, we're supposed to accept that Danny, who was given a diagnosis like three days ago, is suddenly able to control his alters? With no issue? The scene 2? 3? Episodes ago where he tells Rya there are voices and he needs help is completely undermined by how much of a nonissue his alters have been in the interim.

All press tour Tom has been saying this show is about asking for help, and Danny asked for help in that scene - which was a great scene, I felt so seen there - and then in episode 9 we get Rya saying how brave or whatever Danny is for asking for help. BUT! He didn't! He committed a crime and was sent to jail and ended up in these therapy/interrogation sessions and then eventually yes, asked for help. But he was not out there crying for help, asking to be saved. He had his alters! He was unaware that he wasn't okay!

It's so clear that this show doesn't know what it wants to be and doesn't know what its focus is. Is it Danny? Is it Rya? The first 4 episodes are their own fucking show, and 6-9 are their own show. 5 feels like its own thing, too.

Additionally, this show is set in the 1970s. Why? Because Billy Milligan. Except they took the teeth out of that story, completely sanitized it to the point that there are virtually no stakes, but kept the set dressing. But that's literally all it is at this point. We get b-roll of 70s London, we have the costumes and cars, but aside from one shot of defense lawyer in army fatigues, we have no real sense of where we are in time. That is the only allusion to Vietnam. The prosecutor talked about incarceration like she's also read The New Jim Crow. Not a slur to be heard despite the fact that we are allegedly between Stonewall and AIDS. Rya talks about mental health like someone might in the present day. If they were already going to not make this about Billy Milligan, why the fuck did they keep it set in the 70s?

It is so frustrating because the actors are giving it their all. Tom? No notes. I was moved this episode, I've been moved all season. But I cannot get away from how poorly constructed this all is. This could've been so good. We should've spent more time digging into each alter. (What the fuck purpose did Mike serve? Ariana is the one "who can have sex" yet we also see Jonny engaging in sex?) What about the other dead alters in the barn? What about Adam. It has been hinted at all season that Marlin was not the first - the existence of Adam before Marlin would indicate that Danny had already experienced something that caused his psyche to split. we know nothing about dad. we still know nothing about Adam!!!!!!! Are we ever getting that resolution? Then what was the goddamn point? Why is there even a trial. Why have him commit a crime that's so toothless and that he's so obviously guilty of? Why structure this around a crime in the first place? Emmy Rossum has been severely underutilized, fuck, even Amanda Seyfried. Cannot believe they got Jason Isaacs to be in like. 17 minutes of this show. And once again, Tom Holland can have no lines and still be the most interesting character on screen. Can he go back to theatre, I'd love to see what he can do with a good script if this is what he can accomplish with a bad one.

I'm tired. This show had such potential, and it's tripping at the finish line. After taking four episodes to get started. Acting is great, cinematography has been good, but story? Writing? It's disappointing. I'm frustrated.

#weezly talks tcr #i'm gonna lose followers i can feel it #if you like this show then good for you! #not saying you can't!

[tiffanylamps]

🔥🔥🔥🔥 of course, some beyond evil hot takes 🔥🔥🔥🔥 but also, what is some controversial opinion that you have about something entirely mundane :^0

ask me ask me ask me baby (Disclaimer: I started writing this, then had dinner, watched an episode of Bros on Foot, then had a shower and now I'm pretty exhausted (thanks rona + bad health). So my answers may seem a lil disorganised... they most likely are) Oh, gosh. I don't think I have that many opinions that are actually controversial when discussing be. But I shall still give it a go. I going to put a break here 'cause I really didn't know when to shut up. Also, sorry Iva but I feel like my answers are things we've already spoken about. So, I don't think any of this is new information to you 😩 TL;DR: Dong Sik and Joo Won shouldn't be represented by one aspect of their character. They're more complicated than that. (Including a mundane opinion at the end) (please excuse any weird funny business in this post (writing, grammar, spelling, clarity), we're trying our best here at Lamps HQ)

i. We as a fandom baby Dong Sik too much. I love Dong Sik. I adore him. He has seen and experienced far too many traumas, and I want nothing but good things for him in his future. What happened to him and his family when he was 20 was a tragedy that could have been avoided if the system (which should be in place to aid victims) wasn't systemically corrupt. He was beaten by police officers whilst in custody. He was framed and belittled, degraded, and humiliated. (the trauma he experienced is so layered and would take a lifetime for him to unpack and get closure from).

It almost completely ruined his life and future prospects, and it would have been done if Nam Sang Bae hadn't come in with his lvl 100 guilt and tried to make up for his actions. Dong Sik tried to make the best out of the awful circumstances that befell him and I sincerely admire him. Not everyone is as kind and loving as Dong Sik.... But but but... Buuuuut that doesn't absolve him of his actions. He murdered someone with his bare hands and allowed the system that was once put against him to be used in his favour.

Police officers shouldn't be murdering civilians. full stop. Yes, he was emotionally compromised- technically it could be seen as self-defence, but an unconvicted man, a suspect, was murdered and Dong Sik didn't face repercussions. Nam Sang Bae skewed the evidence so Dong Sik didn't get into trouble. Dong Sik took a year (?) off work after that event and to "help" him recover, Sang Bae got Dong Sik transferred to his substation (which Sang Bae had been demoted to as a result of one of his rookies dying on the job. Although, it wasn't deemed much of a punishment considering he was so close to retiring anyway). All the while, Dong Sik feels justified for his actions (as he did when he moved Min Jeong's fingers). (Screenshots from the translated script book/author's notes doc)

I think it's best that when discussing and exploring Dong Sik's character, we remember that he is a man capable of murder. He is a murderer. (Do I blame him for what he did? No, not really. I can see why he did it. Objectively, I fucking love it for the narrative lol). But yeah, he isn't a guiltless sweet baby angel who never did anything wrong in his life. (DISCLAIMER: obviously jokes are just jokes. I love them and I never want them to stop. I am super guilty of participating in this line of joking and I'm not about to stop any time soon. But when discussing DS in serious conversations, we shouldn't erase his history. By doing that, we are devoiding him of agency and retribution (which is one of the main arcs/themes of his character development)).

ii. Joo Won is autistic and people need to stop calling him stupid. I will die on this hill, I don't care. I fully encourage everyone to bully Joo Won, because, well, he fucking deserves it. I know that bullying him is a hilarious love language the fandom has developed and I fully participate in this pastime. I honestly love it. Yes, he has done a lot wrong and shouldn't be absolved of his sins (that being said, we should allow him the space to learn and grow. We should learn to forgive whilst still keeping him and ourselves in check). But where I draw the line is when people outright laugh at his characteristics/actions which are derived from the fact that Joo Won is coded as autistic.

I know not everyone is going to be particularly versed in neurodivergent symptoms and that is completely fine. I even didn't fully clock Joo Won being autistic the first time I watched the show- I "labelled" his actions as a result of one) his obscenely privileged upbringing and two) the fact that he (imo) has some degree of OCD (which is a type of anxiety disorder). Then it hit me one day that he is soooo autistic. A few examples (I'm too ill to list each one or go into full detail): 1- People say that he's a bad detective. Which, ugh. 2- That he should have seen the "obvious" signs that Dong Sik wasn't the killer earlier. This sentiment completely ignores the timeline of the show and the fact that the viewer is provided information that Joo Won doesn't have access to. And it also removes Dong Sik's accountability for being purposely obtuse and antagonistic. 3- the whole (very minor) narrative that joo won is lame because he has terrible people skills (or something along those lines, I can't quite remember the tags I read as it was a while ago). This one, in particular, ties in with Joo Won's autism coding. With a (relatively sound) understanding of what autism looks like in male adults, to me, it would seem that a lot of what Joo Won does (speaking bluntly, getting easily confused when provided a lot of information during an intense situation, overwhelm, struggling to gauge people's emotions/tone, being very black and white, hyper focussing on a topic of interest, struggling to adapt to new social environments, masking, issues with food and sensory stimulation, etc) can be credited to autism. Perhaps I'm connecting dots that don't exist and am projecting an ideal onto his character, but as someone who grew up with multiple friends and family members who are neurodiverse (and is neurodiverse myself), I can see so many similarities between Joo Won's actions, thought processes, and mannerisms to that of a person with autism.

^ (credit) here is an overview of some characteristics of autism in adults (obviously, it's a complex topic which differs from person to person. But I can definitely connect many of these examples to joo won's character and actions). [I feel like I could say a lot more about this subject, but it would be distracting away from the original point. I have thoughts on Joo Won masking and how he struggles to mask around Dong Sik]

How does this relate to Joo Won being "stupid"? One may ask. I will try to explain it as best I can (even though I don't fully have my answer planned out). Labelling Joo Won as stupid, as a stuck-up nepo baby who did nothing for the storyline, or just a useless dolt that needed Dong Sik to spoon-feed him, completely misconstrues the source material. Joo Won is intelligent, hard-working, determined, stubborn, foolish, annoying, pompous, proud, narrow-minded, snobby, short-sighted, dedicated, loyal, loving, persistent, and perceptible to change (and even more than that). We wouldn't have a story if Joo Won was stupid. We wouldn't have a conclusion if Joo Won was stupid. Downplaying Joo Won's intelligence and chalking up his characteristics as something that makes him less-than does a complete disservice to his character as well as his importance within the story. Beyond Evil is a story with TWO leads. It's not the Dong Sik show. I can NEVER subscribe to the act of bringing one character down in order to hold another up. Dong Sik is not this all-seeing, all-knowing, flawless character. If he was, he would have never been framed for murder, he wouldn't have been stuck for 20 years, and he wouldn't have needed help in uncovering the truth. He needed Joo Won (and Ji Hwa, Jae Yi, Jung Je, Ji Hoon, Du Soo, Sang Bae, etc). Without Joo Won, he may have never found out the full truth of what happened to his sister (as how many people in his life had a part to play in the traumas he faced). So, I think it's about time that people start to recognise Joo Won as a neurodivergent character (and stop giving him a hard time for not seeing signs that WE were given), as well as stop downplaying him. Kim Soo Jin, Sim Na Yeon, and Yeo Jin Goo created such a multi-dimensional, complex, flawed character with good and bad qualities, it does a disservice to their creativity and hard work when one belittles Joo Won down to one descriptor. Dong Sik and Joo Won aren't just the idiot and the downtrodden. They're more than that and fan interpretation shouldn't rewrite the facts of the show.

Anyway... there's a point in there somewhere... I think... I have no idea if I managed to construct a reply that makes sense. I don't think I fully relayed all my thoughts on this particular matter, but we live. tbh, I feel very icky when an autistic character gets labelled as stupid or useless. It gets on my nerves and if it wasn't obvious, I am pretty protective of Joo Won (maybe I shouldn't be, but... well... here we are!). Also, as a note: I don't expect anyone to agree with my opinion that Joo Won is autistic. But yeah, I was going to include more "controversial" opinions for be, but I have already said way too much. This post reads like a rant - which it probably is - and I don't want it to ruffle anyone's feathers. It's not an attack, it's just my opinion.

As for the mundane opinion: iii. kiwis are the scum of the fruit world. They're nasty and a lot of effort to eat (considering they don't taste great), and their texture is gross. But I do think their furry shell is pretty neat, even if it makes my skin cruel. (idk why this was the first thing that came to mind lol)

(sorry Iva. Maybe one day I will learn how to give short answers😂🫣)

#ask answered #ask game #chatty lamps #thank you <3 #beyond evil #i'm ill and yet I manage to write this beast of a post. this is what this show has done to me. i just can't help myself 😂 #i do have more opinions for be that are less intense and a lot more fun but... i guess i wanted to have a bitch and moan #as a pre-emptive warning: #rn i will not be taking constructive criticisms. maybe in the future. but right now??? I'm trying not to be miserable #soooo if anyone thinks i suck for what i wrote then... 🤷‍♀️ idk... maybe keep it to yourself

[cartoonsnuffilm]

extreme cw csa

Having the most painful "no one understands me pain" that is exacerbated by the fact I am twenty years old and thought everyone would understand me by now. But I don't want to condense myself into something that can be understood if it isn't even me. I think I have a habit of self isolation because the possibility of them not getting me scares me but in turn I go crazy because i begin to only look inward. I want to look outward but everything around me aside for my partner is death and reminders of one of the worst things that ever happened to me. and I just have to be nonchalont about it. I'm putting up a front! because i want things to be normal, in the real world. My mom molested me and now i live with her because i don't want to be homeless, but she has cancer again and is going through her rounds of chemotherapy, and i hate myself, i hate this all. I want a mom. I'm sure she didn't know what she was doing to me when she did it to me but she did it so much and oversteps my boundaries even as an adult. she has enough normal and kind moments that i just want to focus on that but i don't think i have it in me. She may be dying, she thinks so. All i can do is compartmentalize myself into bits. bits and pieces and past so many layers of dissociation that i don't care if i don't have a grip on who i am. I wish i could at least make art about this instead of whine, but my brain is fried and cornflakes comic made people hate me enough to get involved in a real crime that happened to mein 2020 and lie. people have tried to ingrain it into my head that i'm a monster, a pedophile, an abuser and ECT. What i don't get or find fair:why did I have to experience the things I experienced as well as get accused and treated as the people who did these things to me while the real perpetrators never even get to know how i feel. i never will tell my mom that what she did to me fucked me up, i never bring it up around her, because i just want a normal mom. i want to have a normal mom while she's still here, and maybe when she's gone i can fully unpack all my everything, but i don't want her to die. i wish i wasn't so unlucky. Or atleast i wish i knew what made me a target for so many people. I wish everything was fine and i wasn't compelled to write this all out but i don't want it in my head anymore. i might even write more because there's so much, it feels better to write it out, getting it out of my system. sometimes i feel like people will understand me if i do this, if i share enough of the bullshit where people can feel what i feel, not that i wan't them to, but i'm lonely here on misery island and the only boat back to happyland just exploded. i feel better after writing this.

[saturnskyline]

"vegasporsche brainrot hours" YES PLEASE

porsche was blind to vegas betraying him (well, it wasn't about vegas betraying porsche but vegas going against his family that porsche didn't expect), but porsche also saw something in vegas that kinn and others didn't. he knew what vegas had done to him and main family, but when pete came back, and porsche did the math of what happened to pete, he didn't freak out or said: "vegas is doing to you what he did to tawan, ken and me". when vegas made the deal in ep13, porsche didn't question why would vegas want to see pete, and he trusted that vegas would do his part of the deal (which he did). when vegas warned him about the coup and said he will take care of pete, porsche knew it was not a lie and sort of gave his blessing. and vegas called him the second time about the coup, even though he didn't have to. ANYWAY, I AM RAMBLING, but what i wanted to say is that porsche saw something in vegas, and i can totally imagine another universe in which porsche would chip away some of vegas's armor, like, look, there is real flesh and blood underneath, you're a human, vegas, how does it feel to have someone see through your tough mafia guy bullshit? (also, unrelated to my ramblings, au where vegas and porsche have hot sex in that alley of hum bar, it's a bit rough, and porsche can feel all the places where he will have bruises and hickeys, so when vegas leaves, porsche texts his bestie pete with 'i think i just fucked your future husband, his name is vegas and here is his number')

*jason mendoza voice* oh nonnie. we're really in it now 🥺🥺

there really is so much to unpack with these two. i definitely agree with you; i think porsche sees vegas in a way that's pretty uncomfortable for both of them. the brainrot for their little meeting in ep 13 is especially strong, since there are so many possible interpretations. is porsche using pete as a bargaining chip, signaling how he's adjusting to mafia life? does he leave the ball in vegas' court, truly believing that vegas won't harm pete? i'm dizzy just thinking about it 🥲

one thing that does strike me as interesting is the "i don't trust you" bit. i believe porsche's statement on a surface level – i don't think what they have could be properly described as trust – but there is a unique kind of camaraderie that they share nonetheless. their dynamic in the last few episodes REALLY gets me... porsche needing to ask vegas for help (working around kinn 🤨), vegas calling porsche about the coup (bc yes! he really did not have to!), vegas threatening porsche to get to kinn!!! (probably wasn't personal, just. the cousin rivalry lol) like. there's LAYERS here and they make me crazyyy

and then there's another question: what next? post-canon, there are even more possibilities. i can't imagine that vegas wouldn't feel any resentment at his birthright being snatched up by his cousin's boyfriend of all people, but i like to imagine they develop a tentative bond again eventually. (personal headcanon: as much as porsche being the minor family head has rocked vegas' world, he can't help but be strangely relieved. it's the life he was trained for, but he doesn't feel the loss as keenly as he expected.) could them getting along just be wishful thinking on my part?? yes, very likely. but hey, i loved that motorcycle scene, what can i say 😭

oh. oh! and the idea of porsche telling vegas that he sees him, the "i know about all the walls you put up, and you're not as heartless as you pretend to be". yeah THAT'S the good stuff right there. i love it when vegas gets Perceived, and aside from pete, the only person that i think could truly pull that off would be porsche. sure, he hasn't seen everything, and the manipulation was no joke. but in order to sell all the lies, vegas has to add truth to an excruciating degree, probably more than he realizes. again, wishful thinking? possibly. but there are so many moments along the way where his concern and affection for porsche seem genuine. and hey, maybe all that means is that the manipulation is working on me. In that case, i will gladly be brainwashed :)

anyway i'm not sure that any of this makes sense, but thanks for fueling my unhinged ted talk! (OUR unhinged ted talk? 👀) and i love the au concept hehe, any scenario that even remotely involves vegas/pete/porsche has me bouncing off the walls 🙏🙏

#good soup good soup #shaking hands with anon bc they just Get Me #on that note. i should probably go to bed lol #vegas theerapanyakul #porsche kittisawasd #kinnporsche #seems kinda generous but eh whatever i'll go ahead and tag #kp meta #anonymous #asks

[wordsandrobots]

[The following is not an essay. It is the author's attempt to grapple with the despair at losing something important to him, presented in hopes someone in a similar situation may know such things are worth grappling with.]

Apropos of Doctor Who's triumphant return to having writing and direction I can actually care about again, I've been reflecting on how much casual 'Moffat-hate' irritates me.

Obviously, I need to unpack that a bit.

I'm talking about the reflexive antagonism towards Steven Moffat's era as show-runner, writing tics, writing in general, moment of centrality to British TV and so on that I am no doubt going to run into if I go anywhere near Doctor Who reviews and analysis again. A sneer about perceived sneering here, another repetition of a narrative-construction gripe there. The regurgitation of old arguments because there is a strong contingent of people who loathe that era and Moffat in general, who have every right to that opinion, and who can quite reasonably bring it up when talking about Russel T Davies' new, second era of running the show, however that shakes out.

The me-problem here is, I loved a lot of 'the Moffat era' of Doctor Who when it was being broadcast. For whatever reason, it hit lots of nice buttons in my head and I had a grand old time watching it unfold. The 11th and 12th Doctors provided some really excellent examples of the show doing its best at what it does best. Indeed, 'Listen' may be my favourite example of a story delving into what Doctor Who is all about, ever.

But there is a degree to which my enjoyment is now perpetually enmeshed in defensiveness. Because the fandom was/is wild tangle of very strong opinions, much of them to the contrary, and that isn't likely to change any time soon.

[And for me personally, my best friend hates that era, which threw into sharp relief a lot of hang-ups I have around needing to justify the things I like. Having an emotional breakdown kind of sharp relief. That's not the sort of thing you just shrug off, even after all this time.]

To be clear, I am not here to defend Steven Moffat. I do not give a rat's arse about Sherlock – it was enjoyable at the time but I can't say it registered beyond 'a thing it was fun to watch once' – and I actively despise Twice Upon A Time, the last 12th Doctor story, for pretty much the exact reasons I think most people rag on Moffat's other work. It is a story ostensibly in conversation with a piece of source material that instead only concerns itself with the refracted, pop-cultural version of said thing, for the sake of being constructed like a joke.

Which in general is an approach far better suited to Doctor Who – a series progressively layering 'canon' atop stories that could not be recalled as anything other than half-remembered versions of themselves for a very long time – than it would ever be for something like Sherlock Holmes. Even if I didn't like Twice Upon A Time, I can at least forgive it as a wider pattern and oh for goodness sake, I've started defending the man anyway, haven't I?

You see the problem. I can't make a critique with any teeth because I am braced for the whole to be dismissed even as I home in on the specific part I wish to unpack. Must I defend a writer in toto because I vibed with one piece of their corpus? I don't think I would for anyone else and yet here we are. This is probably why I count myself lucky to have never been deeply invested in Doctor Who fandom in the communal sense, online or off. This and the people who fawn over the racist giant rat story.

[Talons of Weng-Chiang is a Yellow Peril tale, straight up, nothing else. It also jobs Leela, rendering her forever 'the savage' despite the entire point of her introduction being a rejection of the superstitions imposed on her people and thereafter proving herself extremely capable in new and strange situations. It was also written in Britain in the 70s so this is almost self-explanatory. Just fucking own the fact you enjoy the production values and excellent cast while accepting it's indefensible to claim this is the best the classic series produced, you chronic dipsticks.]

See, I can do it with other examples of what I dislike, bare my teeth and go for the throat. But few people argue we should write off Robert Holmes' extensive contribution to the series because he did a massive racism on account of being a British writer in the 70s. Maybe they should. I don't know.

What I do know is, I understand why the 11th and 12th Doctor eras work for me. I am a white cis man who thought he was straight when they started airing and who is exactly the kind of Doctor Who fan who'd want to solve the regeneration limit with a Five Doctors reference. I never felt like Moffat's grand arcs were talking down to me because, I suspect, I was the kind of person most easily able to imagine I was in on the joke by the end. Then again, the writer who's done some of the most extensive analysis and defence of this era is a trans American woman, whose work did more for my appreciation of Doctor Who history than anyone else. So – yeah.

When I said 'irritate', I meant exactly that. This whole topic is a burr, making it difficult to revisit things I once enjoyed. Maybe this would be the case anyway. I have grown a lot since then. So did Steven Moffat, over the course of writing more Doctor Who than any other person ever. He gave us gender-flipping regeneration, tried colour-blind casting and when it failed to make a difference, specifically cast for a black lesbian. And he revisited Donna's ending with an eye on querying the moral failure of it long before RTD2 wrapped around to the same point. Why should I look kinder on his predecessor, who presided over the abusive shit-show that was the production of the 2005 revival season and yet gets to come back to save the programme again?

Oh, yes. The writing. But Russel T Davies annoys me just as much in some places as Moffat does other people. So it goes. Although I suppose Moffat did hire Toby Whithouse to write the central part of Bill's arc and it was a chauvinistic wet fart because it was Toby Whithouse. He also worked for ages with Mark Gattis, whose writing I could shred on similar grounds. And around and around we go, sniping and arguing which of the middle-aged British guys tried their best, or wrote the worst.

[I am still mourning what Chris Chibnall's era of Doctor Who turned out to be. I was so hyped for getting Jodi Whittaker as the Doctor and then we hit Kerblam! and the oldest, most foundational piece of my inner cultural map no longer felt like something I wanted to be a part of. So yeah, he's the worst, for allowing that story to go out, 'the system isn't the problem, it's the people' and all. That's my 'hot-take', years too late. The man wasted dozens of excellent, interesting, diverse writers and actors on what is ultimately, in my opinion, the most mediocre crap since the Saward Era and his big contribution to the series going forward is to fanwank in an explanation for the Morbius!Doctors that essentially makes the Doctor the specialest special whoever specialed.]

At least Moffat previously made some attempt to spork the god!Doctor approach, before deciding they should textually be the reason evil doesn't triumph in the universe. Sadly, that endpoint seems inevitable. We're long past the days of the Doctor being a university drop-out, bumbling around the universe, interfering from the edges. Pick your saccharine alternative, I guess.

What was I talking about before I dived into my own bitterness and angry fan-ranting? How much people deriding one sitcom writer for his faults and prominence within a particular era of big British TV that sparked vast swathes of internet discourse continues to be an aspect of Doctor Who meta? How that makes me feel? Hah. Who cares?

There's no widely applicable point here, just an emotional sore making me wonder if I'm ready to 'get back into' Doctor Who. Because yes, actively being revolted by the Chibnall Era is the real reason I fell out with the show. And yes, maybe I've just grown beyond the point where Doctor Who satisfies, full-stop (let's leave the political rant about The Zygon Inversion for another time; I'll only be repeating other people). But sitting here, being honestly, genuinely delighted by The Star Beast and Wild Blue Yonder in ways I'd frankly forgotten I could be by Doctor Who . . . there's a still part of me that doesn't want to risk going back and running into those same old arguments. I've seen them before. They're boring. They annoy me. I don't have the energy to deal with it. And I haven't yet worked out how to thicken my skin against them.

Someday, maybe, I will sort the love for Doctor Who I had since I was six and watching Peter Cushing romp around in glorious Technicolor from a factional fandom pissing match I didn't even play a part in. I never was someone who picked fights online over this or tried to make grand sweeping arguments about why X, Y or Z was better. I want to be mellow about differing tastes and just like what I like. I certainly don't want to be the kind of person who rags endlessly on things I didn't enjoy, which is why the emotional outburst above is about as far as I'm prepared to go in talking publicly about the 13th Doctor's run.

[I want to go back. I want to love Doctor Who again, flaws and all. I probably will regardless of this. I am not making a plea concerning fandom's nature. I am neither asking for grace nor extending it. The answer is undoubtedly to carry on along the sidelines, a skulking hermit-crab of a Whovian. Yet the burr remains, the grief sticks and the solid ground of a long-held interest remains cracked. Perhaps that is growth. Self-examination does not entitle one to set discoveries aside, job done, card stamped, and return to pleasures-as-were. Yet I can't deny the raw emotional urgh that comes of hearing the same punches struck over and over, about a portion of the show that at least tried.]

Ultimately, however, I like picking apart the things I enjoy and I enjoy watching others do likewise. And I don't get to do that here without cautiously curating my experience to avoid the ten billionth iteration of ten-year-old internet arguments.

I'll keep doing it, obviously.

But it is irritating.

[This post brought to you by listening to El Sandifer's podcast about The Star Beast. Eruditorum Press is a great site for fascinating media analysis and her TARDIS Eruditorum series is well worth a read if you're interested in the show's development.]

#anyway that's why there is probably not going to be a sudden shift to Doctor Who thoughts on this blog #the Gundam posting will continue until morale improves #fandom #pieces from the rant folder

[edelgarfield]

god tw personal family medical issues

my mom said some completely wild shit to me last Sunday and I want to vent about it, but what she said was so absolutely unhinged that it requires like 5 different layers of context before I can even BEGIN to unpack what she said and it's like. I want and need to reach out to people and vent about it but I don't even know how to start that conversation with anyone who isn't already up to speed on my nightmare of a family.

so. my dad is sick, he's been sick my entire adult life with a degenerative disorder but he recently got diagnosed with cancer.

here's the thing. there is zero emotional intimacy in my family. we do not talk about feelings. we do not rely on each other. we do not talk about anything other than shallow surface level topics.

that degenerative disorder my dad has? the only reason I know what it is is because I went through his medicine cabinet back in high school. he has never once in the 10 years he's had it sat me down and said "by the way I'm sick and my condition is called X." even though he is clearly, visibly, provably getting worse over the years he has not and will not talk about it. I don't know what his prognosis is. I don't know what his current treatment plan is. I don't know what things he can and can't do on his own.

he is treating his cancer the exact same way. he didn't tell me he even had cancer until two days before he started chemo. I do not know what type of cancer he has. I do not know how bad it is. I do not know what treatment options he's pursuing. whenever I ask he and my mom dodge the question.

that is an extremely quick and dirty summary of what's going on.

so my mom and I were going to a play on Sunday. as we're getting out of the car my mom out of nowhere says "you know you're going to be rich?"

I have no idea what she's talking about and say as much. she starts complaining that my dad's mom updated her will to split my dad's share of her money between me and my brother and my mom is upset that none of it is going to her.

already. this is such a wild and out of touch thing to complain about. like do you want me to sympathize with you bc you think you deserve a bigger share of some future money that hasn't even happened yet? I'm just flabbergasted as my mom goes on to ask if I'm going to take care of her when she's old. again. wild.

I'm like "what about dad? shouldn't he be upset that he's getting cut out?"

and my mom turns to me with this look of condescending pity and says "[Dad's mom] is going to outlive him, why do you think she updated the will?"

GEE MOM I DONT FUCKING KNOW. NOBODY TELLS ME SHIT AROUND HERE.

this is the first time I'm hearing about my grandma updating her will. this is the first time I'm hearing that my dad apparently has TERMINAL CANCER.

and instead of telling me any of this directly like a normal fucking person my mom slides it into the middle of a conversation of her complaining about not being in my grandma's will.

(sidenote: immediately after she dropped this bombshell I replied "okay, well when dad dies you'll get his money" "dad isn't as rich as his mom" so like. classy all around)

like what the fuck is wrong with you??? there are so many things wrong with this conversation I don't even know where to start. do you think I'm going to care about some imaginary money when my dad is APPARENTLY dying? do you think I'm going to feel sorry for you that you're not getting a cut when you're already set up to live an extremely comfortable life?? why are you jealous of your CHILDREN when this is literally just a consolation prize for having a DEAD FATHER.

if you gave me unlimited attempts to try and guess how my mother would choose to tell me my dad was dying I could not have come up with this in a million years. among all the possible ways you could have chosen to tell me my dad is dying how did you invent a completely new one that's more audacious and absurd than all the rest? it is truly astounding the lengths that my parents will go to avoid showing a single iota of vulnerability. why are you like this? if there was literally any time in your life to at least PRETEND to be a normal family it would be now. my parents can only reveal extremely important, heavy information when it's bracketed by the most absurd conversation you've ever had.

and here's the thing: my mother is a notoriously unreliable source of information. she exaggerates, dramatizes, misremembers, and if all else fails just straight up lies. this would not be the first time she has told me someone is dying because that's more attention grabbing than "they're very sick"

(one time my mother insisted to me she was dying, when I asked if she was serious she said yes. I asked her to please tell me the truth because I was genuinely worried she insisted no really she was dying. I went to my dad and he said no, she's not dying, she had a very bad sinus infection)

so I have no idea whether my dad is actually dying or whether my mother is exaggerating what the doctor said bc she's apparently allergic to just telling the truth. and I have no way to confirm bc my dad will not talk about his illness with me. so I'm just stuck, worrying with no answers & no idea when/if answers are coming. I have no idea how bad my dad's sickness is, I have no idea if it's terminal and how long he has left if it is. for all I know it could be two months or two years.

and it doesn't get better! it's only going to get worse from here as my dad gets sicker and dies (if he does), they're not going to suddenly start keeping me in the loop. they're not going to suddenly start comforting me. I'm always going to be the last to know and I'm always going to be told in the most confusing, awful way possible.

this is just such a perfect snapshot of what my childhood was like. my family is the place where emotions go to die. my own mother can't even be bothered to provide the tiniest sliver of comfort or support when she tells me my DAD is DYING. where do I get it, then? if my own fucking family won't comfort me then who will? no wonder I'm so fucked up, no wonder I'm so desperate and starved for affection because I went practically 13 years before I even knew what affection was.

#mine

[transvampireboyfriend]

@lovewaterforthesoul replied to your post “look, i love to see him kill but I also love...”:

this is such a good point. also when hughie reads him to filth “at least I have a fucking life” butcher just takes it. that whole scene was incredible and revealed so many layers in their relationship “can we just stop dancing around this” yes plz more

​i have MANY thoughts

oh THAT moment!!! so much to unpack! the way Hughie starts the conversation is both so familiar but also so defeated and ...i wanna say contrite? like he can see he hurt Butcher and is tired of pretending he can't. And Butcher’s response is so telling, like u said, he just takes it, but when he's listening to what Hughie has to say he's obviously distressed.

The fact that he doesn't shut the conversation off until it can be in private and not in front of Frenchie and Kimiko and the way by the end of it he's bouncing his leg like crazy, tells me he's in such a confusing state of mind.

And the conversation Hughie had with Annie last season, clearly as a couple but also being like "I'm thinking i should stop seeing him" so then how did they get back here? Did the colonel get them all together?

AND the conversation between Butcher and Homelander at the end!!!!! Homelander is so obviously in for the attention and love of the masses and Butcher understands him perfectly, except he's thinking of the people he cares about. He’s thinking MM gave up on him, he's thinking Hughie discarded him on a shelf like he's obsolete. And now that he’s back Hughie’s constantly reminding him to not do things like he usually would, like if he could chose someone else for the job, someone more cordial, more opposed to violence, he would. Hughie would choose a newer model if he was offered one, at least that’s the way Butcher is seeing it right now.

So of course! this is why it's important for him to obey Hughie’s orders he's saying ‘look! you can need me still and I'll be good, I can still take care of you’. Not to mention this is exactly what he wants to be for Ryan too, dependable. They’re his family.

Of course he will allow Frenchie and Kimiko to be there for that conversation because they stayed! They didn't give up on him, even if he snaps at them, even with all the shit he put them through, they believe in him, they mostly trust his methods, they stayed.

And the episode ending with Hughie covered in guts again, probably feeling foolish bc the person he trusted turned out to be that. I can't wait to see who he turns to after that.

#lovewaterforthesoul #i sound ridiculous #i'm just obsessed with them #the boys spoilers #the boys #liveblogging s3 tb #i'll probably watch the next ep tomorrow #i wanna stay in this blissful place for a bit #blorbo #hughie #billy butcher #hughie x butcher #. #-

[cosmic--marmalade]

Oh oh the most self indulgent Horny Dustin bullshit, my love of historical bullshit makes me sound insane I am so sorry under the cut

Like a mini continuation from the tags off that last post:

Maybe he IS a mountain man stranger at the ball, maybe he IS looking for a little wife, the company would be nice. Help would be better. I am not shy to the idea of either.

Maybe through shenanigans we get married, he takes me up to his cabin. It's a well kept thing, warm and clean, and I don't mind how really truly alone we are out here. He's been giving me kisses all the way home, sweet, near chaste stoops of the head to reach me.

Though alone, outside we pretend to have some propriety, but when he lifts me through the doorway it dissolves. Simply carries me to the bedroom, no discussion needed, we're both too giddy with the thought of it. Exchanging kisses that last longer, start to lack a certain containedness that desperation from not touching another person has, than any of our others. The bed is soft, well made, new maybe? Or recently redone. I shed my outer layers quickly, matched only in speed by Dustin also stripping. He gets about as far as throwing his suspenders off before I'm pulling him back on me. See, the best part of dresses from the 19th century back? No pants, no underwear, just skirts. He wouldn't need to bother with whatever my stays/corset situation would be yet- easy access🥰

Kissing him, in his little cabin (with warm quilts under my back), and his hands on me like he wants to be careful (like he chose me so he needs to take care of me to keep me), is so easy. Running hot the way the top of a woodstove does, warm, woodsy, tactile in a way that makes my mouth go sweeter (my thighs spread wider.) His hands run along my legs as iron brands, rough and warm. It's intoxicating the way he's touching me, so much so that I almost don't notice him pressing his cock into me💖 I feel him bottom out though- I'm eye flutteringly full, and breathing slowly to adjust. He leans down to kiss me, mouthing along my neck to my lips.

I'm easy, I'm so so easy, meaning when he actually starts to fuck me I feel as if I might fall apart. I cling close, unable to control all the little noises that come out of me, his cock pushing a space into me that feels like only he might ever fit. We exchange quiet pleas and praise as we fuck, breathless and heady, till I beg him to take me out of my stays/corset. Fucked fingers fumble the laces and the closures but removal doesn't take long, not when I have his help. I'm down to my last two petticoats and chemise, they go quick while I finally get him to take off his last layers too.

Skin on skin for all the rest of the afternoon, into the evening, we take a night time dinner after he's [redacted] me for like the [redacted] time. Cozy, naked, and sated in bed while we eat stew, he even sets a pot of water on the fire so we can take a hot bath later.

I get to wear one of his big flannels since we didn't unpack yet, he puts on my discarded bonnet ("It's only fair, besides don't I look so pretty?" He bats his eyelashes and pulls a stupid face to make me laugh, it works and all I can think is 'Yes you are pretty, haven't you figured that part out yet?'). I have no illusions of an easy life, I have no expectations beyond surviving in care, but I look at him laughing... It's easier to kiss him than to think. It's easier when I have hope that our future together will be lighter than our pasts.

Hnnnnnnnggggg anyways moral of the story is

#oh I am down so bad #this is THEE MOST SELF INDULGENT THING I HAVE EVER WRITTEN #it's not coherent but it's not meant to be #wanna be all tucked up and warm next to him #just fall alseep under some dope ass down filled duvet and quilts with someone who actually wants me ooooooooklk #breed me feed me and need me please #shoeman #briar writes #it's not even particularly sexy to anyone but me to be in a marriage of convenience scenario where you get to fuck all you want #maybe even tenderly okay #but /I/ do and I wrote this for /me/

[atherix0]

hii o/ i came here to gush about your new mumscarian series because i just read iit and ??? it's AMAZING

first of all, you're insane (affectionate) for writing another long ass work right after the previous one, like it's actually so impressive. i love your writing so much btw i think it deserves all the praise in the world<3

the wordbuilding is so fucking good, i'm a sucker for all fantasy aus and i LOVE when the authors expand on their world and add their own little things to it like yes girl give me all the fantasy lore of your silly little world. it's just so interesting to read and i want to know more about it :D

ALSO THE CHARACTERIZATION OF SCAR…. i'm obsessed with him. i need to put your scar in a little box and study him. he's such a cool character, the fact that he pushes people away on purpose makes me sad, my boy deserves so much love but he doesn't think he does:( and i love the fact that grian just decided to befriend him as a challenge, he really saw a wild and deranged sorcerer and started domesticizing him. scar deserves a little kindness, as a treat. and their little conversations through the glyph made me so happy. also scar talking about how the glyphs work made me think that one day something will happen that will make scar dismiss his glyph and grian will think that he died or something

mumbo and grian's relationship is sooo cute, i love them a lot. grian just decided to befriend all the wild and lonely creatures out there, as he should. i'm also really curious about scar's relationship with mumbo, it's obvious that scar actually cares about mumbo but for some reason doesn't want or thinks he should have his feelings reciprocated…. i wonder what backstory do they have bc surely theres a lot to unpack throughout the seven years of knowijg each other

okay sorry for the longish ask but i had to talk about them bc brainrot<3 i love your works and i'm looking forward to seeing more of this series :D

AAAAA thank you so much <3 I'm really enjoying writing it, it's living in my head rent free right now <3 (also it's 3 AM here and I was just writing more scenes so uhh hahaa <3)

HHH thank you so much, that means the world to me <3 Long works are so fun to write, it lets me explore everything I want to explore and gives me time to tie up loose ends <3 I will admit I had not expected this one to be so long bUT I am happy to be making it even longer because there is... a LOT of ground to cover <3

Worldbuilding is one of the most fun things to write IMHO, I love it so much <3 I try to be subtle with it so as to not like infodump about the world I'm weaving but ya know <3 Sometimes I just gotta talk about it jhgfdjkfd

THIS VERSION OF SCAR HAS TAKEN OVER MY LIFE. I'mma call him Midnight!Scar since all the parts so far are named Midnight [word], but I started writing this and he absolutely took over. He's a feral thing and you haven't even seen half of how feral he can be <3 After all, you haven't even seen him in action yet... hehe~ There are things I'm quietly hinting about Scar that Grian isn't able to just see like he can pick up on Scar's manipulation, so I hope that turns out to be exciting <3 But Scar's reasons are... complicated at best and won't be fully explored immediately, but more like... lightly uncovered throughout the story, because his story has layers on top of layers. Also Scar Angst is my life fuel and I shall, in fact, delight in him suffering before he gets that happy ending. And oh yes- the glyph's being explained is, in fact... foreshadowing. Foreshadowing to what, I won't say, buuuuuut.... :) And also yes, Grian would absolutely befriend the guy who just blatantly wants him to hate him, just like "oh he's a little messed up, friend now" hhh

Gods yes they're so sweet together, like for Grian he saw Mumbo and it's Instant Crush and Mumbo is like Interest Piqued and they're so soft I love them <3 Grian is ultimately a gremlin tho so once they're established and comfy he's gonna be an absolute menace ahaha

YEAH SO ABOUT MUMBO AND SCAR'S BACKGROUND, that is exactly why I've chosen to post the story the way I'm doing it- because Third Person Limited (my favourite perspective to write from tbh) from Grian's POV means we lose every single private conversation between them, and my GOD I absolutely need to explore that deep dive because it is so important for them to Talk About It because Grian actually isn't there for a lot of it (because it's Scar and Mumbo's personal past together, so) and in the original doc, which is 100% from Grian's POV, there is a huge jump from them being hostile to being friends and it's jarring, so yeah........ buuuut I will give a little spoiler in that Scar knows a lot more about Mumbo than Mumbo knows he does, which might play a bit into why Scar cares so much. Also I want to explore/focus on them more than the way I originally wrote the story allowed since the Mumbo/Scar part of the Mumscarian is the slowburn so uhh yeah I feel like giving them the attention they deserve is super important <3

(also it's nice to post it as a series rather than a chaptered fic cuz this means I can go back and write scenes and order them chronologically on the list <3)

NO APOLOGIES THANK YOU SO MUCH this made my night honestly <3 Thank you so much! I'll be posting another part soon~ I hope my response actually makes sense because it's 3 AM and I was so happy to get this that I had to answer ASAP, thank you for sending this in! <3

#Ask #Mumscarian #I don't have a proper name for this AU?? #aaa

[tashabilities]

Would a man lie about his marriage being open?

Yes, yes he would lie about that.

So can I ask to speak to the spouse?

Y'all open, right?

I'll explain to them the situation,

That we would just like an afternoon together

And I'll be out of your hair.

I would like to think that my old boothang wouldn't lie to me, but men lie when they don't even HAVE to fuckin lie, so he prolly lying.

If he not lying,

I'd like an afternoon where we can put it to bed once and for all,

Scratch the itch one good time and be done.

I feel like he's lying.

And technically, this is a man I denied access to me when he wanted it because I'd just been in the 20 car pileup that was my divorce and I didn't want him to see me like that,

I didn't want him to have to clean up a mess he didn't make, and I was definitely a mess and I knew it.

But again,

Here's an autistic man from my past

Who I rejected for good reasons, nothing having to do with him,

But really about how much I liked each man, respectively,

And didn't want him to see me doing bad,

It was all about how much i feared him rejecting me once he saw how fucked up my parents treated me,

Or how fucked up my divorce left me.

And I explained this to the Black autistic man from my past, but he wasn't tryna hear it.

The white one seems receptive

Either way, it's the truth.

And the circumstances of my family of origin dictated that I isolate and work things out on my own, so that's what I did

I don't think I worked them out very well as it's all this time later and there's some aspects I'm just now unpacking

Or is there just never a finish line with a trauma that big?

Has it altered your DNA, your constitution, so much that you're a person split in two

You Before It

And You After It

And so you're never done unpacking it and there's always something new to learn from it?

Or is there an actual finish line?

And it was me, isolating to handle it on my own, that delayed me, got me this many years removed from it and still unpacking it,

Nowhere near where I'm supposed to be with it, nowhere near finished when i should be by now?

Grief is not linear,

It's layered and cyclical and of course, comes in waves.

And there was a lot of grief

For lost innocence, especially,

So That Man's face was plastered all over my mind for the longest, because he was part of all the different life pieces I was grieving.

Said all that to say I hope he not lying.