#but one of the things I still retain from my essay-writing days at uni is that it's really weird to call one author by their last name

[irregularjohnnywiggins]

Something I've been considering recently: the big storytelling difference between Hideo Kojima and Yoko Taro.

There's an obvious reason I've been thinking about this, I feel: both these guys are, on the surface, exceedingly similar. They're both well-known Japanese video game creators*, they're both known for their eccentricities, they both tell stories that run the razor-thin line between 'Violence is corrupting and immoral' and 'Okay, but that bit of violence was pretty sick, right?' really well, as well as throwing in some really funny 'Hey, what the fuck did I just watch?' energy, hell they even both had a game in their series directed by Platinum Games, I don't especially think this is an overreach, here.

But they are different creators, and I've been thinking about their differences (specifically in storytelling - obviously one makes Action-RPGs and one makes Stealth Games and Baby Postman Simulators) as I play MGS3 and Nier Replicant, and I think I've come down to this: it's in how they condemn violence, and especially war.

Kojima bases all of his stories in reality - a heightened reality, perhaps, but there's a reason multiple MGS games end with long lists of dates and events, Kojima's made-up ones slipped in-between the actual history. Kojima bases his critiques on things that are real and tangible - MGS3 itself, more than any bee-wielding supervillain or photosynthetic sniper, is about the Cold War, and it's no accident that the Boss' speech at the end isn't about the Philosophers, or Volgin, or Metal Gear (METAL GEAR?) it's about soldiers, their fates and their traumas. Kojima lives in the world of... not exactly reality, but allegory-through-reality, and it makes his games pretty explicit in their messaging - which in my mind is a good thing, because it means that people who fundamentally misunderstand MGS aren't just wrong, they're obviously wrong - show me an MGS fan who thinks they're pro-America and pro-military, and I'll show you someone who did not pay attention to MGS.

Yoko Taro, on the other hand, is entirely a creature of allegory. Yoko himself has said in interviews that he tells stories primarily as a way to get people to feel something, and all other things like connections to the other games or even internal consistency comes as a secondary concern (as someone who's tried multiple times to tie everything Drakenier related together - that's believable.) As an inevitable result of this, his stories aren't really 1:1 parallels to history or the modern day, they're very general conflicts that speak to a wide range of topics.

Put it this way: in MGS4, Kojima describes in great detail a situation that is the natural endpoint of the geo-political situation (especially re: America) during most of the early 21st Century, especially The War on Terror - instead of war being a means of obtaining resources to generate income for big corporations, now war is the means of income, and all the inherent flaws of American late-stage capitalism have been applied to it - to the point that soldiers have to pay extra to use someone else's gun. It's a heightened, at times absurd version of reality, but it focuses on specific issues and flaws with the subject matter - The War on Terror, and through them highlights issues with our current world - hell, Kojima may have predicted some of the issue we currently face with capitalism.

In Nier Automata, however, Yoko doesn't present an exaggeration of a real-world conflict to portray it's flaws and its hopelessness. Instead, he constructs an entirely hopeless war, a war that is literally pointless on every side, and explores how people react to that. As opposed to Kojima's slight exaggeration of the War on Terror, by the end of Automata Yoko has presented a proxy war fought on behalf of two races that died off millennia ago, between two groups that are, at their core, exactly the same, made from the same components, fought on one side because of a poorly worded instruction from their creators that necessitates eternal total war as a basic fact of their evolutionary cycle but also inevitably results in their evolutions being violently purged because any form of passivity is betrayal, and on the other as a grand Machiavellian scheme to kill off their own troops, thereby concealing the deaths of their creators – a scheme, it’s worth noting, conceived of by an android that no longer remembers conceiving it, because his own scheme necessitates his constant assassination by the person he cares about the most to prevent him from discovering his own plan. Kojima's wars in MGS4 are absurd and pointless for us because we know what the results of the War on Terror were, Yoko's war in Automata is kinda like an onion - every layer you peel back on it, you discover a new way that it's pointless, and every time you do, you're crying a little bit more.

So, wrapping this up before people realise I just used the ultimate cliche of poorly-worded food metaphors, if you were to ask me what the big difference between Yoko Taro and Hideo Kojima was... well, I'd still go with the gameplay genres, but I'd also say that it's a slight, but really interesting, difference in how they go about their metaphors. As for which is better... neither, obviously. They're both really talented creators, this is just a style thing. You seriously expect me to choose between a series that includes 'a man pretended to be possessed by the ghost of his crush's son because he grafted his arm onto him and everyone bought it' and a series that includes 'at some point the Earth stopped spinning. This has never been explained in any of the games'? What are you, a cop?

*albeit if Yoko ever heard someone compare him to Kojima he'd probably simultaneously die of embarrassment and make a joke about being a younger, hotter Kojima.

#yoko taro #hideo kojima #drakenier #metal gear #metal gear solid #nier #I have to admit my own western biases: #it was extremely weird calling Yoko Taro 'Yoko' through all of this #but one of the things I still retain from my essay-writing days at uni is that it's really weird to call one author by their last name #and another by their first name #so since I was calling him 'Kojima'... #also I'm sorry if this is semi-incomprehensible #it's kinda stream of conscious as I thought of stuff #hence also why I didn't mention why the WWII parallels with Automata counted as a Kojima-style allegory #(and also why I have not come up with a fancy word to differentiate Kojima- and Yoko-style allegories) #seriously I planned out an entire footnote on that #(along with a brief tangent on why people who say Nier Automata is fascist apologia are wrong and idiots) #(because that's a thing I discovered exists) #ah well #I'll probably go on that rant another day #I could literally talk forever about Yoko Taro games #stay tuned!

[natreads]

Sickness + uni updates

So I’m still sick! How fun! This covid shit has been rough y’all, like I was FINE at the end of last week for the most part. No fever from what I can remember, but that was when I lost all motivation for school and started lowkey hating everything and have had a life crisis that I didn’t have time for before lmao. Then the beginning of this week happened and I’ve had a fever and been coughing like crazy ever since. Have had a stomach ache too for three days and couldn’t really eat for a while there. It’s getting better now, finally, but I still have a fever and I’m still coughing and I’m still in pain. My mom had me call a doctor for a video appointment and they were SO QUICK and I got to talk to someone withing 15 minutes, which was wonderful. He basically told me to drink a lot of water and be patient and that he would prescribe me some cough medicine since nothing is helping this fucking cough. I’ve basically spent five days on the couch watching Greek TV with my parents - and, despite the terrible circumstances, it’s been kind of fun to hang out with them. I just never lie on the couch or watch TV. It’s been kinda nice.

As for uni updates: I passed both my previous courses! Got Ds for both which is whatever. I’ve never gotten the best grades at university anyway. Just glad I don’t have to do a make up test while still sick.

As for my other, on-going courses - hooooo boy. Last week I tried to do some studying (and working - from home obvs) because I had a lot more energy and I attended both Monday lectures, but had to skip yesterday’s (we didn’t have a Thursday lecture last week) because I saw no point in just sitting there not retaining or contributing to anything. A classmate of mine noticed my absence and sent me notes like the angel she is. I haven’t done any reading yet for my Monday class and I think I might skip that one too. I have a bit more energy now, but don’t think I can catch up in two days... I’ll see. I know we can miss two classes for the course I decided to skip yesterday, but I’ll have to email the teacher for this one. It’s more like a seminar than a lecture, so we do A LOT of the talking. Maybe I can skim through the readings and decide.

As for work work: I realized I have a deadline next week!!! I started working on it last week, but then I got worse so haven’t done a single thing and now it’s so CLOSE and I’m just. So tired why.

(And as for writing - I submitted an essay to this journal and they wanted me to do edits and now I kinda hate the whole concept of the essay itself and don’t wanna do it lmaaaoo + I wanted to rewrite a short story for The Puritan and the deadline is around Christmas and now I’m getting stressed, but I just have felt SUCH distaste for reading and writing this week? It’s been really weird.)

#nat talks #uni stuff #work stuff #personal #sickness tw #covid 19 #notes from the covid household

[miss-pearlescent]

Teenage Romance Angst

There she was again, sitting by herself. She was working on something at the table and Jongin's palms suddenly started sweating. Discreetly, he wiped them on his pants.

He had less than five minutes to talk to her before all her friends swarmed over.

Making a beeline for her table, Jongin nearly body checked a freshman and tripped over a table leg. Good thing she didn't see that.

"Hey," he said breathlessly, slipping into the spot beside her. Her fringe had fallen forward, covering her face and when she swept it back, Jongin got just a little bit more breathless.

She quickly put her work away and said, "Hi, what's up?"

Man, he had something planned but suddenly noticed how good she smelled and realized he'd never sat this close to her before. He inched back before she thought he was a creep. "Have you tried the new pizza from the caf?" Nice, Jongin, nice.

"There's new pizza?"

"Yeah," Jongin fumbled for words. "Apparently, they added some new secret ingredient," he lied straight through his teeth.

"I see..." she narrowed her eyes and her pink, glossy lips curved into a smile. She was catching on. Time to change the subject.

He rubbed the back of his neck and cleared his throat. "So how's school?"

"It's...It's good?"

God, you're making this awkward, Kim Jongin. "That's good." He licked his lips. "So—"

Two trays landed on the table, both filled with food. Jongin looked up and saw Luhan, the most popular boy in their grade, taking a seat on Boyoung's other side.

"Hey," she said with a wave. Damn, she was the one initiating the conversation there. And with a familiar hey, no less.

"Hey," Luhan barely glanced at Jongin as he nudged the tray. "I got you the pizza today." Jongin scowled. Damn, when did Luhan start getting lunch for Boyoung?

She gave a bubbly laugh as she stared down at the slice of pizza, which looked like every other slice since the beginning of the year. "Did they change up the pizza?"

"No," Luhan replied with a mouthful of food. "Why would they do that?"

She shrugged and a strand of straight, black hair that was caught on her shoulder slid down her arm. "I just heard from—"

It was time for him to go. Jongin pretended to check his watch. "I think I hear my friends calling." Smooth. "See you guys later." He left the cafeteria.

Once he was back at his locker, he leaned against the cool metal door to calm himself. He would have to ask her to the Winter Solstice Festival another day.

-

"Hey, that's your girl, right?" Jongin felt a sharp nudge at his side as he looked up.

Oh great, not now.

"She's not my girl," he hissed back at Sehun.

The boy put a bunch of stickers in his hand. "Well, give her these stickers and see if she'll become your girl."

He almost stuffed it back at Sehun, but Boyoung was too close and he froze. She had come from the direction of the gym and her cheeks were flushed, her hair tied back into a high ponytail.

She gave him a small smile as she passed.

Jongin didn't know what to say. His mind wasn't working straight so he looked down at her sneakers instead of making a fool of himself. Without thinking, his mouth started moving. "Nice shoes."

He looked back up for her reaction, certain that she would think he was a creep. Her skeptical expression told him he was right. "Thanks," she said and continued walking.

Sehun stopped her and did what Jongin was supposed to do. Give her a flyer and tell her about the animal shelter fundraising campaign they were advertising for.

And he gave her a goddamn sticker.

Sehun's eyes slid over her shoulder to throw Jongin a smug look as he helped put a sticker on her gym uniform. She walked away, waving happily and trying to read her sticker upside-down.

For the rest of the day, Sehun wouldn't stop teasing Jongin about missing the opportunity to pat the sticker onto Boyoung's chest. Jongin nearly punched him out just to shut him up.

Goddamn those stickers.

~3 months later~

"Your father and I worked so hard for you, and you decide to do live your life like this?"

It still hurt because it was true.

Bo pulled her knees up to her chest and swallowed the lump in her throat that wouldn't go down. Really, there was no use in crying over this. It was an old issue and crying wasn't going to help it.

Nothing was, unless she could grow the fuck up like everybody told her to.

But if growing up meant sitting at a desk all day, reading textbooks, and writing papers, then she didn't know if she could do it. At her own desk were a million scattered papers, true, but none of them were for academics. She had venues to call for her grade's graduation dance, she had her friends' essays to edit, and she had a monthly events calendar to write up for the student council.

None of which would help her slipping marks. At this rate, she wasn't going to pass her university entrance exams, let alone get into one of the country's top universities like her parents had expected since she was a toddler.

Her phone buzzed by her feet and the tears almost started pouring out when she saw the name on the screen. NiNi

"That boy is toxic. Ever since you've started dating him, you have been doing worse and worse at school. I've told you a thousand times and I'll tell you again: you need to end this relationship. It's useless."

She picked up the phone. Amazing that her voice didn't crack when she answered.

The reply was a noise between a groan and a whine. "Bo-yah-yah-yah-youngie, please tell me you got B as the answer for question 16. I'm going to die if it's not."

"I don't know," she whispered, too scared to talk any louder than that. Not even Jongin's butchering of her name could lift her mood.

There was silence on the other end and she knew he detected something weird. "Did I just wake you?" he asked quietly.

"No."

"Did something happen?" he asked with caution. He was the only person outside of her family that knew her relationship with her parents, and he knew they didn't like him, too.

She swallowed, hard. "Nothing happened. I'll talk to you tomorrow." Her sentence ended with a crack in her voice.

"Wait." He sounded breathless all of a sudden. "You're at home, right? I'll come over."

Just because he knew her parents didn't like him didn't mean he cared. He tried his best to do everything right, but none of their dislike was his fault anyway. She shook her head. "No, do your homework."

"Boyoung, I'm—"

"Kim Jongin, I don't want to see you." She hung up and slammed her phone face down on the bed.

Burying her face into her knees, she cried until her knees felt the wetness through the thick cotton of her pajama bottoms...which were actually a pair of Jongin's sweat pants. She shook with sobs because she loved him so much, but why was the world so against their relationship?

She was starting to see her mother's reasoning. If she continued down this trail, if she didn't end this relationship with Jongin, was she going to make a fool of herself? She had begun to study more since meeting Jongin's mother, but it didn't raise her dismal grades that had been low from the beginning.

Maybe she was born stupid.

When she lifted her head, she realized she was. Her hand went to the phone again. Jongin had stopped trying to call her for a whole five minutes now, and she was worried he was actually going to drive over. He wouldn't give up, he never did.

She dialed his number.

"Bo—"

"Don't come over."

He sighed. More shuffling. "Fine, I'll stay in my room. But don't hang up on me this time."

"Do your homework," she said, sniffling.

"And bore you with these equations? I don't want to turn into the next Mr. Chang."

Her lips cracked into a small smile because she knew he was trying to cheer her up. "Mr. Chang isn't so bad."

He scoffed. "Not if you like the type that spends the class talking about his son and then sends us home with three hours of work that he didn't cover in class. But wait, let me guess. You've got all the answers already, haven't you?"

"No," she lied. She had done them during lunch today when Jongin was busy with something else. If she hadn't been dating Jongin, she might've hung out with her friends. But his mom wanted to meet her and Bo was determined to give off the right impression...like doing her homework.

Jongin gave an exaggerated sigh. "Ah, well, I guess I'll have to hand my homework in without checking it over with you. By the way, the answer for question 16 is B, right?"

The answer was D, but they both knew she wasn't going to simply give the answer to him. "Jongin."

"Fine, I'll go do my work. But keep me on the line, okay?"

She wiped her nose with the back of her hand. "I want to go to sleep."

"Then lay down." His voice had gone softer, losing its humour, and she put her head down on her pillow. "Your makeup's off? Your retainers on?"

She almost laughed. "Yes, Jongin."

"Good."

She listened to him breathe and every once in a while, he moved around in his room or cleared his throat. She imagined him without his shirt on, padding around barefooted in his untidy room with his mangas lying around everywhere.

"Bo?"

She choked on her tears and began to cough, surprised that she was crying.

They couldn't stop. She cried harder and Jongin continued to whisper her name through the phone, or maybe he was just saying comforting words. Either way, she curled in on herself and held the phone close to her ear, closing her eyes so that the only thing in her head was Jongin's voice.

She didn't think about meeting her parents' expectations. She didn't think about meeting Jongin's parents' expectations. She didn't think about universities or career paths or the next due date on her calendar. She just listened to his voice and her shuddered breaths.

"Jongin..." she whimpered. She didn't know what she wanted to say. I'm not going to get into a good school. I'm a disappointment. Your mom's going to hate me.

"I'm here, Bo," he whispered. "I'll always be here when you need me."

Soon, she fell asleep to his words murmured over and over again.

---

I wrote this back in first or second year uni for nanowrimo, got 20k words in, and then couldn’t do it anymore because there were so many plot holes and I was tired of the story LOL It was supposed to be a Jongin sequel to “Trying to Conceive with Mr Wu Yifan” and it was gonna be titled ~Catching a Flirt Named Kim Jongin~ LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i thought I was so clever. Anyway, this was just the prologue/flashback portion of the story. I found it while going through my old drafts and decided to put it up cuz I wasn’t gonna do anything else with it LOL hope you guys liked that little drabble! Have a great weekend :) :) :)

#exo #exo scenarios #kai #kai scenarios #jongin #kim jongin #fanfiction #writing #drabble #cute

[letsdiscoverkitty]

(1/2) Hi, I need help - I don't know who to go to. Don't feel you need to answer this question, I'm just so lost right now & have been for a long time. I am nearing 25 yrs old & I still am no where near completing my BA degree. I have completed only one year of my degree & I'm taking a year out. I've been a student at a different uni before but dropped out & now I'm taking a yr out from my second attempt at uni. I am severely mentally ill & I am too scared to write essays; I feel I am too ...

(2/2) stupid & I'm scared to fail. I feel like I'm the biggest failure. I am supposed to be going back in January but I have no idea how... I will be studying alongside people much younger than me & have no friends there & I'm not good at connecting with people. I just don't know what the heck to do. My brain is rotting in the mean time, I'm too ill to work or study so feel like the biggest waste of space on earth. I want to achieve things but I seem destined for failure and misery. :'(

Oh love, if I could give you a hug right now I really would I am sorry you have had to go through so much so early on in your life (you are still young, don’t listen to what your head says, 25 is not old in the slightest! and yes it might be a little older than the 18 year old freshers straight out of college but in the grand scheme of things that honestly does not matter). It sounds like you have had a LOT to deal with over the years and I am sorry to hear that. I know how tough having to leave uni is, so I want you to know that I *understand* as much as I can and that these things do NOT make you a ‘failure’ or destined for misery’ - not in the SLIGHTEST. Would you say that to me if I said those things? would you say the same to anyone else? No. You are not the exception. You ARE worth fighting for and you are worth saving. Life can be cruel and can throw some really tough hands at us but this is NOT how things always have to be. The future is not yet written, and we are the ones that hold the power to shape what they could hold. 

I don’t want this to come out the wrong way so I am really sorry if it does but do you really think you are ready to go back to University? It sounds like you still have a lot of mental recovery to be focusing on and that heading back, even in the next couple of months, might not be the best thing for you. I know that taking out more time might be a really hard decision to make but at the end of the day you have to put your health first. Would it be bad of me to ask whether you have considered an admission? I don’t usually suggest an IP stay but it sounds like you are in a bit of a hole at the moment and maybe a short admission (or a longer one) could help you to get out of this rut? To me it sounds like you are still really struggling with the side affects that often arise from malnutrition like not being able to concentrate/retain information/social exclusion and it sounds like going back to studying would likely be far too much for you right now. I hope that doesn’t come across as rude and I obviously don’t know you or your situation but please please just think about the options you have in front of you. This is not how the rest of your life has to be, it CAN be different. However in order for that to be possible, something does need to change (as hard as that is to accept, change can only come about through action and doing things differently to how we might have done them before).

Please know that this does NOT make you a failure in any way/shape/form. We are all going along different paths in life and sometimes it can feel like we are doing things “wrong” but the truth is that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to go through life. Unfortunately some people come up against many hardships in life and that is tough for ANYONE, so please do not think that you are a failure or that you have done anything “wrong” because of what you have been through. This is a life destroying illness that IS NOT your fault, you did not ask to suffer from it and sadly mental illnesses aren’t something that we can ‘control’ whether we suffer from or not. I really want to appeal to you to reach out to any of the support network that you have around you; are you currently seeking and engaging in treatment? Are there others that you could reach out to a little more to help you along a bit during this difficult time? I really wish that there was something I could say/do to help you and reassure you that there are better days ahead of you. please please speak to someone, anyone, your parents, a close friend, your GP, a support worker, please reach out, you do NOT have to go through this alone. I really will be keeping you close in my thoughts and hoping that things start to take a turn for the better for you soon. Take care love xxx

#Anonymous #asks

[sturlsons]

do you have any content that you regularly keep up with? like fics/comics/shows/blogs? i want to start consuming more content and be more knowledgeable/wellread in general but i don't really know where to start :(

i saw this ask like an hour ago and promptly got distracted catching up on my youtube subscriptions so thank u for the reminder but apologies for the delay,,

LONG reply coming up, discussions of depression.

(if u’d rather skip my sob story just scroll down to the picture of the upset dude with the cigarette)

before i get to your specific question, just a little something, because you’ve unknowingly shed light on one of my B I G G E S T struggles: i’m actually real shit at consuming content myself. i have a horrible concentration span and focus issues in general, and i tend to have tunnel vision for academia and hence spend nine months of the year memorising vocab blindly and watching like three episodes of anime. i regularly try to get myself out of this habit but It’s Hard™, so instead i try to make academic choices which will automatically bring new content to the table. choosing essay topics that i’m not familiar with, using the mandatory individual reading requirements to check out books i’ve been meaning to read, trying to do more than the required reading while i’m at it, etc etc. i also try to make lists of things to watch/read every summer, but usually end up being distracted with my writing projects. 

however, kinda good AND bad news. i only started getting stuck re: content consumption after moving to france and starting uni. in india my consumption was OFF THE CHARTS. eating through books and shows, doing research about all sorts of things, you name it. the good aspect of this is that as a child/teenager i already took in a way-above-average amount of information that still keeps me Smart and Cool™ in conversations to this day, but the bad aspect is that most of this was a form of escapism, a way to feed my insomnia back in the day, and then a horrible tangle with my depression which all ended in a huge mess. result: i was a pretentious fuckwit with an enormous amount of trivia in my head, but i was a manically depressed pretentious fuckwit with an enormous amount of trivia in my head, and what’s more-- the most hilarious-- i was actually terrified of moving out of my comfort zone in certain aspects. i used to read new things all the time, sure, watch new shows. but i’d also watch the same shows over and over until i memorised them, read the same books and poems out loud to myself, write the same kinds of fics, listen to the same artists. yeah, that one was weird as shit-- i couldn’t listen to new music, i just didn’t have the courage. the FIRST ever thing my therapist told me to do was check out a new artist by the time we had our second session. that’s when i discovered the national, one of the two most important bands of my life, and since that day i’ve made it a point to listen to at least one new artist a month.

anyway.

so then i moved to france, which was the best thing that could happen to me ever. however, as i quickly discovered (and sometimes still reel from), whether i like perpetuating this mindset or not (i don’t) the truth is at least for me, it seemed for a while that it was my very depression that kept me so Creative and Hungry For Knowledge and Pretentious Fuckwit. the happier i got, the “lazier” i got. i stopped writing for a year straight because i didn’t feel the urge to create anymore, i stopped consuming content because Who Cares I’m Living In The Moment I’m Finally Happy I Don’t Need To Hide Behind A Book. etcetera. most importantly: i was INSANELY focused on learning french and getting into the university of my choice, and since i kept seeing results in that department, i was happy with what my brain was doing.

then this dude broke my heart. if you’re from the jaywalkers readership, that’s when i started writing jaywalkers. you see how that doesn’t help the whole “no no, i’m only intelligent when i’m SAAAD” thing. i wrote jaywalkers, i wrote other fics, i wrote poetry, i sang songs and watched anime and read books and i used my brain more than i’d used it in the entirety of the year before this happened, and i was like, this is it. if i want to be great, i’ve got to be miserable. 

two years later, i’m here to tell you that it’s bullshit. bullshit, you’ve gotta be sad to learn things. it’s the best thing for being sad is to learn something, NOT the best thing for learning something is to be sad. i let my habit of seeking comfort by reading/writing make me believe that i could only do that when i was heartbroken. it took me two years to understand that i was wrong. i could’ve been doing all sorts of bullshit in those two years. i could’ve watched all the james bond films! i haven’t watched all the james bond films!

does that mean i’m magically feeding myself knowledge again? nope. because it’s not all about feelings. it’s also about how much time i have, how much energy (physical and mental) i have. i still have a shitty concentration span and can barely make it through a movie without getting the creepy-crawlies over my skin. i still have to do three different things simultaneously or i’ll never get any of them done. i gotta skype someone while doing the dishes. i gotta skype someone while eating. i can’t just eat. i can’t JUST read. i SURE as hell can’t just watch something. but you know what? the only reason i figured (am still figuring) all of this out is because i got rid of the initial block that said i don’t want to. i had to realise that it was up to me whether i consumed content or not, and once i did, THEN i could get to solving the practical problems that came with it.

it’s still a work in progress. a very, VERY fresh work in progress, because i’ve only started implementing big changes this spring/summer. it’s a lot of trial and error, but there’s a lot of solutions. turns out i’m better at keeping up with shows if i make it a regular date night thing with my boyfriend. i’m better at reading things on my kindle since it throws me back to my bookworm days when i had physical books. i’m actually better at listening to content sometimes, which was a huge surprise since i’ve always staunchly believed that my auditory comprehension is utter shit. but i’m still working it out u know? i’ll make it. i don’t want to stagnate anymore.

NOW. ONTO YOUR ACTUAL QUESTION.

here’s the thing, i’m REALLY shitty at keeping up with ongoing content. my preferred m.o. is waiting for whatever ongoing thing interested me to not be ongoing anymore, and then i binge. it’s a concentration/stamina/fucks thing. hence what i do is subscribe to anything i like and save it for later.

like i like knowing what my favourite authors are up to, so i subscribe to them. if an ongoing fic’s summary seems interesting i subscribe to the writer, that way if they write something shorter/complete i can check out their writing style, and i’ll still get updates if the main fic is completed. then i save those update notifs until a time that i can get to them, so that they’re little reminders in my inbox:

i also keep lists of everything that i want to check out at some point. i try not to give myself deadlines (anymore) because i literally never stick to them when it comes to consuming content and i end up feeling like shit. i used to have like, “SUMMER 2016″ lists and shit with like seven movies and three shows and i’d never do any of it completely and that sad little list would just lie there. so instead now i try to just make lists, period. it’s like a humongous queue of things that i want to check out, and whenever i have the time/willingness for it, i refer to it. 

 and then i keep a list where i keep track of what i checked out.

i find that it’s less pressurising to make a separate list of what i accomplished as opposed to having a to-do list where you check things off. because like, get this. so you have a to-do that isn’t urgent, right? not like, groceries, dinner, dishes. for those it’s totally important to have a reminder right in front of you, like do your dishes brah. but for things like this, especially for someone like me who’s a flake and will say “i’m gonna watch this movie tonight” and then will literally stare in your face without a word the entire evening and not watch the movie, it’s really shit to have a “TO DO: THINGS TO READ” which just lies untouched for a month straight.

instead, i keep a reference list. and then, when i do something, i note it down. that way i satisfy my inner list monster like “i did a thing today!” and at the same time avoid the disappointment of staring at a pileup of titles that don’t have a strikethrough. this helps with everything that isn’t urgent tbh. if you can afford it practically, don’t make a “what i have to do” list. make a “what i did today” list. it actually helps you to stay positive.

NEXT. i also always, always, always invite recs from my friends. this part involves having exceptionally patient friends, because i always ask for recs. and then i never check them out. literally me checking out a rec is a once in a blue moon thing, so my friends ( @fyolette in particular, may the lord bless her) really have a calm mind because they still always send me things they think i’ll like. i’m eternally grateful for this, ETERNALLY. 

so then i make a list of those. recs most commonly involve fics and music. i try to check out music recs within the day/week, and fic recs get tabbed on my favourite chrome extension ever: onetab.

boom. beautiful.

NEXT. how to retain all that Good Content™ that you binge? there’s no easy way, you have to figure it out on your own. before my depression hit i had an incredible memory and grasping power, basically reading through something once was enough to memorise it. this ability took a major hit in high school (which i nearly failed by the way, despite being one of the TOP students of my school), and i’ve never really come back to my full form. most days i fear that i never will, but i still have faith. it’s a long life. and hey, even if i don’t, i don’t shy from hard work. i’m willing to replace what was once natural intelligence with hours of manual labour if i have to. that’s a choice i’ll make. 

personally, saying things out loud helps me lots. making flashcards for everything too. i like anki, it’s pretty clean and friendly, but i also struggle with screens when it comes to learning. for me the best way to learn something is to write it out by hand. there’s something about the motion of writing that permanently inks things in my head, so i try to do it whenever i can. i’m trying to shift to digital methods more, though, to save time/money/resources. i like having a split-view. i’ll open whatever i’m reading on one half of the screen, and a notepad on the other, and constantly paraphrase. paraphrasing really helps me. another fantastic thing is to highlight anything unfamiliar (technical jargon, unfamiliar names, cited works, even pop culture references that you don’t get) and make it a rule to google all of it at the end of your reading session. not immediately-- you’ll get sucked into the black hole that is wikipedia and leave your novel aside. do the reading first unless your highlighted term is essential to understanding, and then check out whatever you set aside. that way you understand your current content better, and also branch out into related topics. 

i can go on about these tips for ages so if you have any specific questions/would like me to elaborate, hmu.

NEXT. your...actual...question...what content i keep up with...

so firstly, fic, because fic is life. i’m subscribed to: gentlestars, mindheist, porridgemilk, potter, retox, and rix. i’m also subscribed to a bunch of fics/series but would prefer to keep them private, so hmu off-anon if u’d like to know which ones!

i also kept up with OMGCP for an astonishingly long amount of time (for me) and then dropped off, but i do hope to catch up this summer. i adore OMGCP. i also started on WTNV the moment i realised that i’m good with audio stuff now, but i deliberately don’t binge it because its episodic narrative allows me to be sporadic, and WTNV is not something u binge. it’s something u feel in ur heart.

for music, i’m a mainstream hoe so spotify’s global top 50 is always great, i also love their daily mixes. spotify in general is fantastic, sometimes i like setting up a song radio and listening to similar music, it’s great. my cousin/best friend abhi always hits me up with fantastic music recs, he really knows my taste and knows when to insist that i listen to something. always ends up in my library.

the only thing i do on youtube is watch cooking videos and vine compilations honestly (btw nathan/ayitspnayo is the prince of my heart so i’m very much subscribed to him on snapchat, along with vice magazine and lemonde) but my favourites are sortedfood and peaceful cuisine. apart from those two the only channel i really keep up with on youtube is med school insiders. i love this dude. this dude is like my clip art older brother. 

for shows i’m currently crawling through weightlifting fairy kim bokjoo, and waiting for narcos S3 and GOT S7. i want to binge either brooklyn 99 or it’s always sunny in philadelphia, or parks and recreation. i don’t know, something funny, u know. we’ll see. 

of course it’s incomplete without a tumblr shoutout. i love lolmythesis, wizzard890,  pyrrhiccomedy, fyolette, saintjoan and some others that i don’t follow but keep bookmarked to check regularly. also, pretty random, but reddit is fantastic for trivia and more-than-trivia. the todayilearned sub is gold.

so there u go! i’m sure i’ve missed out on some stuff (it’s 4 AM how did this happen i started answering this at 2) and maybe none of this is useful as opposed to half of it being useful, but i sincerely hope that there’s a miracle and ALL of it is useful to u. it’s never too late to start learning things, and i know that it’s overwhelming when u feel like u don’t have any kind of base so u don’t know where to start. like where does one start learning the history of everything. what does one do to get to the point where u know some obscure detail about nikola tesla’s life? i feel u! i feel u! but u gotta start somewhere. pick something that interests u and branch out from it. u can’t know Everything about Everything Ever anyway, so why not accept that from the get-go and spend ur time wisely learning about what u really want to learn about! 

and it’s such a big world. i’m sure there’s so much you want to learn about. 

#teesta talks for ts #this is...long #anons #replies

[thecheeverfillesseniorthesis]

The Cheever Files The Cheever Files Adventures of a Senior Thesis.  Secondary blog of @midlife-stoodent.

D-1

Had to jump the count a few days because my Senior thesis is due TODAY.  I had the due date in my planner as Sunday.  

I am nearly finished with it.  I turned in my thesis and subclaims into my prof via email, then when I got started, I used the same and wrote out my own words beneath my subclaims (I changed their type to BOLD to keep them separate).  It worked!  I am able to maintain an outline!  I tend to scatter ideas…

I am not asking for an extension.  I have asked for them all term and I simply need to get this done.  I am 10 pages in, I have three sublaims left to do, and it’s not due until 11:59PM tonight.

THIS WILL HAPPEN.

I work best when dealing with absolute fear.  Don’t follow my example.   #thecheeverfiles#studyblr#studyspo#spring2016#ELNM#seniorthesis 5 notes

D-5

The struggle is very real.  Still receiving instruction from my prof on my thesis.

At least my tense is correct.

BTW, I work better under pressure.  Spending an entire term on a paper has yet to work for me.

LISTENING TO:  Our Lady Peace #thecheeverfiles#studyblr#studyspo#spring2016#ELNM#seniorthesis 3 notes

D-7.  Senior Thesis is due this week. Thankfully I am off of work, so that’s one less thing to worry about.

My digital project is completed (first picture) and that has been uploaded.  I am still (yes, still) working on my thesis and subclaims.  I emailed a correction back to my prof this afternoon, once I hone my thesis she will get to my subclaims.

Tomorrow I have to drop off my paperwork for my Service Learning, and take the TB test.  I don’t know if all of this is going to get done before the end of the term, but that professor has given us an option if we weren’t able to solidify our service learning before the term ended.  

I think 60 coffee pods should last me until the end of the week?  Last term I went through 80 in a week and a half, and this term is way harder.  I may need more… #thecheeverfiles#studyblr#studyspo#spring2016#ELNM#Seniorthesis#starbucks 3 notes

D-15.  Rough Draft final draft, if that makes sense.  I am truly blessed to have an amazing advisor/professor who gave us an extension (read: mercy) to turn it in for our rough draft workshop.  I have until 6AM tomorrow morning to get this uploaded. **weeps with gratefulness**

Did I ever mention the size of my Senior Thesis class?  There’s myself, and two other ladies.  One of the many benefits of attending a small, private university.

I admit, I did the usual “check-out” in the middle of the term, where I was watching You Tube videos instead of writing.  Then today, when the module for Week 8 comes out, we get the admonishment to not check out.  

I am reeling myself back in.  

Sumikko guroshi page flags for for ultimate win!

LISTENING TO:  The Cure Disintegration #thecheeverfiles#studyblr#studyspo#spring2016#ELNM#seniorthesis#sumikkoguroshi#obviouslyilovemycoffee 4 notes

D-18

Rough draft time.  Have my most excellent feedback from my professor to help, as well as my own lightbulb moment.  All I need now is the time to get it written.  She did extend the due date for us, which I absolutely love because our drafts go into a workshop for final editing.  

I miscalculated my vacation time from work, it’s next week, and I should have asked for this week, or even the rest of the month off.

Oh well.  It will get done.

LISTENING TO:  Morrissey’s Viva Hate #thecheeverfiles#studyblr#studyspo#spring2016#ELNM#seniorthesis 1 note

D-25.  25 days left to go.

Along with my essay, I also have to complete a digital assignment as part of my grade to add to my portfolio.  Ovid’s Metamorphoses arrived via Amazon Student Prime today.  Yes, Ovid + Cheever=Digital Project.  It’s going to be awesome.

Still trying to raise my thesis from the bowels of hell.  I was going to discuss the agency of the various rooms used in “A Country Husband” but I realized I needed to narrow that focus, so I am doing the agency of living rooms in the text.  Of course, it throws my rough draft right out the window…

I love my Starbucks cup. #thecheeverfiles#studyblr#studyspo#spring2016#ELNM#seniorthesis#metamorphoses#starbucks#seemyfilofax? 7 notes

My First Draft is turned in, a minute past my self-imposed deadline of 5AM. I am so thankful my boss let me leave work two hours early so I could go home, nap, and finish this madness.  I am not good at first drafts…a final copy I can do, but first drafts?  My mind is still a jumble of thoughts and quotes.

After I uploaded my draft, I found an article on John Cheever that said he isn’t taught in schools anymore, if he ever really was.  I find that to be a big old shame because the man is brilliant.  Needless to say, even though I had already turned in my draft, I am now determined to make my paper a testament to his literary greatness.  The man should be taught in schools, students are really missing out.

I am going to sleep the sleep of a student who has been burning the candle at both ends, what with full-time work and three classes to deal with.   #thecheeverfiles#studyblr#studyspo#spring2016#ELNM#seniorthesis 1 note

Literary TheoryLiterary Theory Senior ThesisLiterary TheorySenior Thesis 4/22/16:  Over the course of my academic career (so far, it’s only been what, two years?) I have learned working with a printout of a text is much easier for annotating than with a book.  I have absolutely no shame in destroying a book in the name of essay writing, but there is less guilt with using a printout.  This is my copy of “A Country Husband”, the first and second pages.  Yeah, I use Midori stickers to mark important transitions within the text.

I have also learned to SAVE. MY. NOTES from previous classes.  Last term, I took Literary Theory, and I need to apply a theoretical lens to my thesis.  It is times like these I am glad I am so anal about my notes, as my notebook from Lit Theory is divided by the different theories.  

The rough draft is due next week, already I have the very familiar pangs of self-doubt.  Maybe I am placing too much pressure on myself, but this paper is a reflection of me and my scholarship.  In no way do I want to come off as pedestrian, but that is my largest fear moving forward. #thecheeverfiles#studyblr#studyspo#spring2016#ELNM#seniorthesis 2 notes

Senior Thesis, Week 4:  Way back when I took Literary Analysis (from the same professor) I kept all of the writing “hacks” she gave us.  I printed them all up and tucked them away into a file folder.  Turns out she’s using them for this class as well.  Don’t know if the drawing belongs to her, but it still makes me laugh.  Funny, two years ago when I took Literary Analysis I was very self-conscious of my essay-writing.  Now it doesn’t phase me at all.  

I am reading Cheever’s “Letters”…the man is hilarious, dark and so right-on with his discriptions of humanity.  There’s an entire section entitled “The Suburbs”, from when he moved his family out of the city to upstate NY.  The passage I highlighted tickles me, but I have to wonder:  how often do we look at the belongings of others to remind us of who we are and where we came from?

My schedule for the upcoming week.  My days off are Thursday and Friday, so I begin the fresh week there.  Today (Monday) I register for Summer.  I have to be at work by 230PM and other than continuing my Cheever reading I have my two other classes.  

WRITE EVERY DAY.  

Our rough draft is due next week, so this is our instruction. #thecheeverfiles#studyblr#studyspp#spring2016#ELNM#seniorthesis 7 notes

Got my Prospectus/Annotated Bibliography done, several hours before I was scheduled to turn it in, so that’s over.

This week we will be working on our Digital Project/Digital Presence, so we get a break from writing.  Doesn’t mean the fun stops, I still have two other classes to maintain.  Above is my weekly calendar, I use it as well as my Ardium Academic planner.  My “weekend” is on Thursday/Friday, which is why the dates are wonky.

As for Digital Presence, I really am not worried about it.  I cleaned up my social media when I was accepted to uni because I knew there would be a time where I had to do the exact same thing, so I just wiped a whole bunch of accounts.   #thecheeverfiles#studyblr#studysop#spring2016#ELNM#Seniorthesis 3 notes

Prospectus and Annotated Bibliography Work:

This is the current time.  Not too bad, as I don’t get home from work until after 11PM, but my eyes are getting tired.  I’m indulging in a large mug of black tea, having consumed enough coffee over the course of the day to sink a ship.

I have spent this past week reading and researching.  I carry a book or an article with me at all times, because you never know when you are going to have a moment to catch up on some reading.  I had a few minutes while at the gas station the other day, so I read a few paragraphs.  

You do what you have to do to get it done.  :)

My beat up Writer’s Reference book, a university requirement.  

No, I don’t have to work tomorrow (sarcasm).

I have my annotations completed, but I need to edit them to make sure all of the commas are in the right place.  I am almost finished with the prospectus part.

I did, however, make sure Word was functional on my iPad and the entire project was accessible.  WIN.  Now I can finish this up at work tomorrow.

It’s due at 11:59 Monday night.   #thecheeverfiles#studyblr#studyspo#spring2016#ELNM#seniorthesis 21 notes

Day 2:  Well, technically I am still running on the original post, but in reality we have passed midnight.  Welcome to 2:15AM.

Week 2 is the Prospectus and Annotated Bibliography portion of Senior Thesis.  I took notes of the instructions and WON on three academic sources.  I need 5 total, including the original text.  I could hug my WR 323 instructor right now, because I have become a master of Google Scholar and our library’s online search engine.  

I leave this post with a picture of my stapler.  This little honey has the capacity of stapling 40 pages at once, and for someone who simply cannot read and retain electronically, this has been a great investment.  Oh, and all of the printer ink and paper I stocked up on last term.   #thecheeverfiles#studyblr#studyspo#LIT498#spring2016#ELNM#seniorthesis

Day 1:  Amazon Student Prime and Sunday delivery for the win.  My books came today! I never had a book for “A Country Husband”, all I ever had was a .pdf.  I will say, annotating on a copy is a lot easier than in a book.  So, I printed out another.  

The term just began a week ago, and for that first week we had to turn in an annotated page from two papers we have written during our academic career here at Marylhurst.  “Desireè’s Baby” by Chopin was my other choice, but I was sold on Cheever from the beginning. #thecheeverfiles#studyblr#studyspo#spring2016#LIT498#seniorthesis#ELNM 2 notes A Digital Accounting of my Adventures with my Senior Thesis. @midlife-stoodent here.  I am an English Literature and New Media major, and welcome to my Senior Thesis studyblr.  Check out my main blog for more studyblr goodness.

I decided to chronicle my path of the Senior Thesis to create a digital footprint of the process.  Obviously, my Thesis is on John Cheever, his short story “The Country Husband” to be exact.  I chose Cheever because his stories about the middle class intrigue me.  

So!  Lets get this started!  I will be following the usual #studyblr format. #thecheeverfiles#studyblr#studyspo#spring2016#LIT498#seniorthesis#ELNM 1 note